WPW Russell Crowe Wrestling: RussellMania 3: One Of The Weirdest Shows I’ve Ever Seen

Russell Crowe Wrestling: RussellMania 3
Date: March 30, 2023
Location: Burbank Moose Lodge, Burbank, California
Commentators: Erik Barnes, Rivers Langley

So this is Wrestling Pro Wrestling, a comedy promotion run by Brian Kendrick. The event was held over Wrestlemania weekend and then released on Youtube, though I have a grand total of no idea what to expect here. With wrestlers named Poptart Boy and Leather Daddy, I’m almost scared to know what I’m getting myself into. Let’s get to it.

Opening video, which features a bunch of stills and has quite the early 80s feeling.

Erik Barnes welcomes us to the show and makes it clear that Russell Crowe will NOT be wrestling and describes this as a wacky wrestling promotion. The Midcard Title (which sounds like the official name) and the Wrestle Turkey Title will be on the line tonight, but first, here is Cereal Man (a superhero with a box of cereal for a mask). He can’t find promoter Gary Tickles, who has left a note: “see you next show suckers, no refunds.”

There is an idea though, so here is Darwin Finch, apparently a scientist, who has invented a cloning machine. His goons have stolen some celebrity DNA, so here are clones of Tom Cruise, Gary Busey and Sean (normally spelled Shaun) White. Cereal Man says these clones suck, but apparently they are clones of celebrity impersonators on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (ah, the common problem). We’ll try one more so here is Chuck Norris….as portrayed by Jimmy Wang Yang. That’s enough for Cereal Man, who throws everyone out. Cereal Man: “You guys want to see a chicken wrestle a bear?”

Chick-A-Dee vs. Evgheni

Dee is a woman in a chicken costume (Commentary: “This pollo is loco!” Should be loca but whatever.) and Evgheni is a Russian bear. The Bear hibernates to start so Chick pokes him, only for the Bear to go back to sleep. Back up and a bear claw shove gets two on Chick but the referee faints after a well places growl. The Bear bites Chick’s face and then….decides to go to the bar, meaning it’s a countout at 4:09.

Rating: C. Yeah we’re going to be in for a weird show here and it should be a lot of fun as a result. I’m not sure I got the joke here but at least they are living up to the kind of show that they want to be. Also, thankfully they kept this short instead of driving the joke into the ground like so many would.

Anthony Andrews vs. Koto Hiro

Andrews is a cowboy and one half of the NWA US Tag Team Champions. Hiro on the other hand is your stereotypical Japanese masked man. They go for the grappling to start with the much smaller Hiro not being able to get very far. Hiro kicking him in the head works better though and a rolling cutter gets two.

Andrews knocks him outside and hammers away on the floor. Back in and Hiro snapmares him down into a jumping knee to the face but Andrews plants him with a Rock Bottom. A middle rope Codebreaker gets two but Hiro is back with a springboard spinning Codebreaker. That sets up a missed frog splash though and Andrews grabs a pumphandle powerslam for the pin at 8:50.

Rating: C+. Actually not too bad here, which mainly focused on a power vs. speed match. Andrews isn’t a hue guy but he’s big enough to outmatch someone like Hiro. Other than that, Hiro kept things moving enough and sold the big power stuff well enough. Not a great match, but it was close enough to being serious to make it work.

Respect is shown post match.

Fourmage Horsemen vs. Stoner Brothers/El Chupacabra/Anton Voorhees

Oh boy. This is WPW vs. Hoodslam, because that’s a good idea. So the Horsemen are Gorgonzole Anderson/Parm Anderson/Ricotta Flair/Tully Blancheddar, while the Stoners are Rick Scott and Scott Rick (not typos), complete with a STONERIZED theme. And yes, the Horsemen all have heads made of cheese. Before the match, Flair makes fun of the other four, including saying the Stoners are more like the Groaner Mothers. Anton and Tully start things off, with Tully going rather basic (“This is an aged cheddar after all.”) but Anton comes back with an enziguri.

Tully gets quadruple teamed in the corner so it’s off to Parm vs. Chupacabra, with the former being knocked into the corner. Rick Scott adds a superkick but Gorgonzole comes in for a wristlock. A series of shots in the corner put Gorgonzole down but he gets over to Flair for the rapid fire chops. Not that they matter as Flair is knocked down and picked up/dropped back by all four for a quadruple pin at 5:05.

Rating: C. Yeah I laughed and that’s the point of something like this. It’s a big choke with cheese puns and I don’t think they were trying to do anything else. Let them get in there, do their jokes and get out before it goes too long. If nothing else, points for being able to come up with a gag for the entire Horsemen, including that aged cheddar line.

A clone of David Copperfield (magician, not Dickens) and here is brings a fan into the ring for a card trick. Before he can complete it though, the Great Branzino, with his Goblins (Dingleberry and Grundell) interrupts. Branzino is about three and a half feet tall and says we’re not here for magic or over the top characters. No one wants to see that fool Luigi Primo! Cue Primo (the guy who can spin a pizza while doing really basic moves), with Branzino saying it’s an amazing coincidence that Primo is here. Since he is here though, the Goblins should get him!

Luigi Primo vs. Goblins/Great Branzino

They fight over wrist control, with Primo using the pizza to mistake. Primo hits them with the pizza, so Branzino tells the Goblins to form the TROLL TRON. As Grundell gets on Dingleberry’s shoulders, Copperfield gives Primo a second pizza, which he combines with the first to scare the Goblins away. Branzino hits Primo low for the DQ at 2:31.

Post match Branzino pulls out some pepperoni pizza flavored Combos but Primo chokeslams him onto them instead….for a pin, despite the bell ringing off the low blow. These pizza and magic themed characters should be better with their continuity.

Kid Isaac/Sam Squatch vs. Devastator 2/Devastatress

Devastator is billed from Hot Topic. Devastatress is a mystery partner, who is better known as Jazzy Yang (Jimmy Wang Yang’s daughter). Squatch is in a rather large Bigfoot costume and seems rather interested in the Combos. Isaac hands his sunglasses to Squatch to start and they are promptly destroyed. Devastator tries a test of strength and gets a tickle from Isaac and it works so well that they do it again. Isaac offers to let Devastator tickle him but gets kicked in the ribs instead.

Back up and Isaac runs the corner, walks the rope, and jumps back down for some more tickling. Squatch comes in to run Devastator over and a double shoulder gives Isaac two. Devastatress gets in a cheap shot from behind as commentary continues to call every move either the Devastator or the Devastat-Her. The chinlock goes on for a bit before Devastatress goes after the knee.

Isaac enziguris his way to freedom and hands it back to Squatch to slow things down. A Rocket Launcher hits Devastator for two but Devastatress isn’t tickleish. Instead Isaac forearms her in the face to little avail, as she drops him fast. A low blow to Squatch sets up a chokeslam, followed by a 3D to finish Isaac at 11:08.

Rating: C-. Once you got past the joke of every move being called the Devastator/Devastate-Her, there wasn’t much to see here. Isaac wasn’t overly funny and a guy in a Bigfoot costume is only going to get you so far. I wasn’t feeling this one, but when your entire show is a bunch of jokes, some things aren’t going to land.

And now we have the “Sexy Chino Hollywood Adjacent Dance Party”. We have Sexy Chino, the Clone of John Travolta, Emo Tep (the emo mummy), Boogaloo Brown, Haystacks (a large stack of hay wearing overalls), and David Boomerang (a giant mouse). They all dance until Boomerang….starts stabbing people. Boomerang is awarded the win “by way of stabbing” and apparently this is a pattern for him.

Tag Team Titles: Darwin Finch/Fidel Bravo vs. Fabio/LJ Cleary

Finch and Bravo (with El Cucho El Sicario) are defending. Finch and Fabio start things off as commentary stops to argue with Cleary over not being able to tell the challengers apart. Fabio hits a dropkick to start so it’s off to Cleary, who gets caught with a springboard armdrag. Bravo comes in and yells at Finch, allowing the challengers to take over and dance a bit.

The double teaming has Bravo in trouble and Fabio snaps off a suplex for two. Finch gets in a slap from the apron though and Bravo scores with a DDT. Everything breaks down and Finch and Bravo take over, with Bravo actually hugging him. Then Sicario hits Finch low, allowing Bravo to hit Finch with a Falcon Arrow so Cleary can get the pin and the titles at 7:12.

Rating: C. This wasn’t so much a joke as much as something with an actual storyline, which worked well enough. What mattered was getting the title change out there to make the show feel important and not doing a bunch of jokes for once. It makes something like this feel like it mattered, though things were hardly serious, as you should kind of expect around here.

Post match Officer Robot Cop (exactly what it sounds like) comes out to say the new champs broke the law so the titles are officially stripped. Finch and Bravo are still champions.

Midcard Title: Battle Royal

King Dezi, Jumping Jim Logan, Tarzan Duran, Man Like DeReiss, Hobo, Mike D., Charles Ray

Yes it’s called the Midcard Title and this is billed as a “several person battle royal”. Tarzan is Tarzan, Dezi is an actual king, DeReiss raps himself to the ring, Mike is rather muscular and Ray (a Ray Charles knockoff, complete with blindness and a yellow suit) is defending. Logan yells at everyone else to start and says he is NOT jumping, despite that being his name. He finally jumps once and a bunch of people knock him silly, allowing Ray to get the pin for the elimination.

Ray sings as everyone else fights to the floor (this is feeling a lot more like an elimination match than the battle royal they advertised) before heading outside to sing about how everyone in the ring is fighting and shooting. Mike bearhugs Hobo before Tarzan comes in to work on Hobo’s arm. Hobo hits a running corner clothesline but gets taken down by a flipping neckbreaker.

The singing is still going on as DeReiss stomps on Dezi in the corner. Hobo and DeReiss trade standing switches as Tarzan listens to Ray singing. After Hobo misses a kick, DeReiss…..sprays him with air freshener for the pin. With that odd choice out of the way (Ray, still singing: “Positive sounds, that’s what I heard, hope it was good.”), Tarzan comes back in and kicks Mike outside. A springboard flip dive takes Mike down and a Code Red gets two back inside.

Mike pops back up with a powerbomb and a helicopter bomb finishes Tarzan. Ray, with his trombone, comes in and hits some people by mistake, allowing Dezi to pin Mike. We’re down to Ray, Dezi and DeReiss and the singing continues, with commentary talking about how long this song has been doing. Ray is now singing about how he has a goat and 58 farms so DeReiss goes after him, only to get sceptered down by Dezi for the pin. Ray thinks the scepter is the microphone and accidentally knocks Dezi out before covering him to retain at 14:45.

Rating: B-. Ray sang that song for over fifteen minutes and while it was just bizarre freestyling by the end, it went on for so long that it was hilarious. This whole thing was a bunch of people getting in a little bit of time while Charles did his thing and it worked far better than it should have. This was one of the better jokes on the show and that is covering a lot of ground.

Sneaky Snakes vs. Leather Daddy/Rubber Baby

The Snakes would be the Sassy Assassin/Sneaky Pete and are in striped shirts and masks, making them look like very stereotypical prisoners/bank robbers. They also have Sacre Blue with them, while Daddy and Baby have very large rubber fast masks. The Snakes jump them from behind to start as Blue seems to be fighting in this as well. Baby gets double teamed to start but Daddy makes the save with a double noggin knocker. Back up and Pete knocks the Baby’s head off, revealing a red mask.

Baby gets to clean house but super fan Courtney Glove comes in to try and calm him down….which earns her a trip to the floor. Assassin hugs Baby but gives him an atomic drop, resulting in a diaper issue (just go with it). Baby chases the villains around with a diaper and rubs it in Blue’s face…which apparently allows Blue to talk without a lisp. Blue: “I CAN FINALLY BE A VOICE ACTOR!” He’s so happy that he falls down and Baby falls down on him for the pin at 5:04.

Rating: D+. So that happened. I’m not sure I get the joke here but the Snakes were at least unique in a good way…I think. This feels like something where I might need to know these people a bit more to care and this wasn’t exactly the most brilliant comedy. Much more of a skit than a match here and not in a good way.

Post match another shot to the face brings the lisp right back.

Eli Everfly vs. Gregory Shmegory Sharpe vs. Mizuki Watase

Sharpe is a high flier (as in a pilot) and Watase is from DDT Pro in Japan. Actually hang on as we have a fourth entrant.

Eli Everfly vs. Gregory Shmegory Sharpe vs. Mizuki Watase vs. Watts

Watts, a rather skinny guy, is described as a powerhouse. Watase and Watts form an early alliance which is broken up in all of three seconds. With the other three on the floor, Watase hits a big dive and strips down to his gear. Back in and Watase hits a basement dropkick on Sharpe, who is right back with a Rock Bottom. Everfly comes back in with a springboard wristdrag but Watts is back in to fall away slam all three of them. A double chokeslam puts Sharpe and Watase down but Everfly gets the sleeper.

That’s enough to bring Watts down to his knees and a triple kick to the head puts him down. Watase takes Everfly down but Sharpe knees him in the face to leave all four down. A chokebomb gets two on Sharpe with Everfly making the save. Everfly hits a heck of a tornado DDT to send Watts outside, where a top rope hurricanrana takes him down instead. Back in and Watase brainbusters Sharpe for two, followed by a scoop piledriver (starts as a slam, ends as a Tombstone) for the pin on Sharpe at 7:54.

Rating: C+. Other than the pilot thing for Sharpe, this was a pretty straight match without anything very unique or even comedy stuff. That being said, it was rather nice to have a different kind of match after doing so much of the same kind of material (even in different forms) all night long. Not a great match or anything, but a nice pallet cleanser, which you need at times.

Wrestling Pro Wrestling Wrestle Turkeys Title: Poptart Boy vs. Dark Sheik

Poptart Boy (he’s a walking Poptart and teams with Cereal Man as the Breakfast Of Champions) is defending (the title is huge and looks to be homemade) while Sheik is a mermaid (so she has to hop to the ring). A lockup puts Poptart Boy against the ropes and Sheik (still hopping, because she has a single fin instead of legs) flips him off.

Poptart Boy shoulders her down and hammers away in the corner. Sheik hammers away (Commentary: “Shot to the frosting.”) and it’s a Fish One Nine before Sheik starts eating his filling (exactly what it sounds like). Poptart Boy is fine enough to hit a chokeslam and a falling splash (frosting side down) retains the title at 4:19.

Rating: C. I’m sitting here trying to think of what to say about this and….yeah what am I supposed to say? It’s a humanoid Poptart fighting a woman whose legs are tied together to make her a mermaid while commentary uses lines from Under The Sea. This was every idea you could think of from the outer reaches of an intoxicated mind and yeah, it was kind of great.

Russel Crowe Pro Rumble

Cinderella Man, Robin Hood, 3:10 To Yuma, Gladiator, Master And Commander, Master And Commander 2, Another Gladiator, Another Gladiator, Black Gladiator, Beautiful Mind, King Ghiraffedorah

Darwin Finch is on commentary and each one is a character from a Russell Crowe movie (plus some repeats because, as commentary put it, they were running out of ideas). The bell rings and hang on as here is Ghiraffedorah (a three headed giraffe, due to reasons of just go with it) to get in the ring. Everyone backs away from him but it’s a bunch of headbutts and chokes (with the arms being other giraffe heads). Then he spits something out and it’s…..the ace of clubs, the card from the fan with the card trick about an hour and a half ago! The fan comes in and gets attacked as well so we’ll throw it out at 2:33.

Finch: “I really hope I won’t be held responsible for this.” Ghiraffedorah attacks some fans to end the show.

Overall Rating: B. I liked it. This show didn’t try to be anything that it wasn’t and completely embraced the insanity. It was one idea likely created by Brian Kendrick and his friends under the influence of various substances and as a result it was rather fun in a lot of ways. This wasn’t about wrestling but rather having a lot of fun with wrestling going on. It’s nothing I would want to see full time or anywhere close to it, but for a one off, there is some great stuff in here. Not all of the jokes work, but or a weird trip inside the mind of wrestling fans, this was a great time.

 

 

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