December To Dismember (2021 Redo): Take Care Paul

December To Dismember
Date: December 3, 2006
Location: James Brown Arena, Augusta, Georgia
Attendance: 4,800
Commentators: Joey Styles, Tazz

Well here we go. For the first time ever, the reincarnated ECW is getting its own pay per view and we have two matches announced on the way in. One of those matches features two teams who aren’t on ECW and the other is the EXTREME Elimination Chamber. This is not exactly looking promising but let’s get to it.

The opening video entirely focuses on the Chamber, with nothing else getting any focus. So half of the matches got a look, so maybe things are looking up.

Hardys vs. MNM

This is the result of the Hardys’ open challenge and neither of the teams are on ECW. Matt starts with Mercury and shoulders him down, meaning it’s already off to a double standoff. With that settled down, Mercury shrugs off some arm cranking and hands it off to Nitro as everything breaks down again. The Hardys clean house and it’s Nitro blocking Jeff’s jawbreaker and taking him into the corner to put him in trouble for the first time.

Jeff isn’t having that either and fights out, allowing the tag off to Matt to pick up the pace again. Melina offers a distraction though and MNM manages a double gutbuster to take him down. A double belly to back faceplant gets two on Matt but he manages a double DDT. Jeff gets knocked off the apron and it’s MNM hitting Poetry In Motion to rock Matt again. Not that it matters as Matt fights up and makes it over to Jeff for the hot tag a few seconds later anyway.

Everything breaks down again and it’s time for the parade of dives onto the floor. Back in and Nitro hits a springboard missile dropkick for two on Jeff. A double catapult sends Jeff face first into the buckle and Mercury cranks on both of Jeff’s arms for a bit. Jeff gets flipped into the corner and some forearms to the back keep him in trouble. There’s a slingshot elbow for two and we hit the reverse chinlock.

With that broken up, another double catapult is countered as Jeff comes back with a double Whisper in the Wind. The hot tag brings in Matt, including the middle rope legdrop for two on Nitro. Back up and Nitro snaps off a super hurricanrana on Jeff but the Hardys get up again and nail stereo superplexes.

With Jeff up first, Melina gets on the apron but her slap is blocked by Jeff grabbing his arm. Jeff steps away and Nitro dropkicks Melina by mistake, setting up a rollup for a rather hot near fall. The Snapshot gets two with Matt making the save so MNM puts Jeff on top. Matt makes another save and neckbreakers them down, setting up the Swanton onto the two of them for the double pin.

Rating: B. It’s rather good and I don’t think anyone should be surprised by that. You had two great teams going at it in a twenty minute match. I’m not sure how this couldn’t be good, though it’s kind of disappointing to hear that both teams are splitting up after this. It doesn’t make sense given how good this was, but it isn’t like WWE really cares about the tag division anyway.

Commentary hypes up the Elimination Chamber. It isn’t a good sign that they need filler like this.

Rob Van Dam is ready to take the risks for the chance to become ECW Champion again.

Here’s Matt Striker for a chat and it’s time to go downhill. Striker talks about the chaos and destruction that is coming tonight in the Chamber. He asks the fans if they want to see someone like him in an extreme rules match. The fans approve, so Striker is going to be in an EXTREME RULES match tonight. Now that means an EXTREME enforcement of the RULES of course, meaning no eye gouging, hair pulling, coming off the top or foul language of course. Let’s see how extreme his opponent can be.

Matt Striker vs. Balls Mahoney

Mahoney throws him down to start so Striker comes back with some forearms. That’s broken up so Mahoney tries a cross armbreaker of all things, with Striker going straight to the ropes. More forearms to the back stagger Mahoney and striker sends him shoulder first into the post. A Regal Cutter gives Striker two and it’s time to crank on the arm.

Mahoney comes back with right hands to the face (Striker picks no eye gouging but ignores punches from a guy with a signature sequence involving punches to the face. Right.) but gets pulled into a Fujiwara armbar. That’s broken up and Mahoney’s arm gives out on the snap jab attempt. Striker crotches him on top and the Fujiwara armbar goes on again. Mahoney fights back up with a belly to back suplex and now the punches work. The sitout spinebuster finishes Striker off.

Rating: D. Ignoring the fact that we’re on pay per view, this wouldn’t have even been a good TV match. Striker wanted the rules enforced and then they had a regular match. Having Mahoney win was one of the two ways they could have gone, but if this was their way of giving the fans something to cheer for, we’re in a lot more trouble than I thought.

Brian Pillman has a DVD (not on Peacock obviously).

Sabu has been attacked. After losing on Tuesday, it isn’t like he had any momentum or chance anyway. So yeah he’s not likely for the main event and you can hear the BULLS*** chants as we come back to the arena.

Sylvester Terkay/Elijah Burke vs. FBI

Trinity is here with the FBI. Before the match, Burke promises that they will leave their mark like a wild beast in heat. Commentary drools over Trinity as Guido and Burke (in a hat) start things off. Guido takes him down (and steals his hat) by the arm and hands it off to Mamaluke. A few fans try a WHERE’S MY PIZZA chant ala the original ECW because he thinks it is still alive.

Terkay misses a splash in the corner but manages to pull Guido’s high crossbody out of the air. After Terkay throws the FBI outside, it’s back in for a chinlock from Burke. Guido fights up and hands it off to Mamaluke so the pace can pick up. A double dropkick into a double flapjack gets two on Burke but Terkay gets in a cheap shot from the apron. The Elijah Experience finishes Mamaluke.

Rating: D+. Slightly better match but that is mainly due to having slightly more interesting people involved. Terkay and Burke are two more people who don’t really feel like they belong in ECW but at least they did something here and add a little variety. Not much of a match, though you have to take what you can get on this show.

Post match, Terkay hits Guido with a MuscleBuster for a bonus.

CM Punk and Rob Van Dam watch Sabu being loaded into an ambulance.

Daivari vs. Tommy Dreamer

Great Khali is here with Daivari, who rants about how Khali in Farsi. Daivari hammers away to start but a glare from Dreamer sends him bailing outside (just don’t let Dreamer talk). Back in and a hiptoss sends Daivari right back to the floor but this time he comes back in with a dropkick. There’s a baseball slide to put Dreamer on the floor but he reverses a whip to send Daivari into the barricade.

Back in and Khali low bridges Dreamer right back to the floor, earning himself an ejection. The fans say they want hardcore but get a neck crank into a chinlock instead. Dreamer fights up drops backwards onto Daivari for the break, followed by a reverse DDT for two. The Death Valley Driver is broken up but Daivari catches him on top. That means the Tree of Woe into the running dropkick…..but then Daivari rolls him up with tights for the pin.

Rating: D-. Gah no. Another nothing match here which would have been bad either here or on television and that is hardly the kind of thing that is going to make the show better. The ending was pretty awful as Dreamer just started to get going and then Daivari pinned him without much thinking. Bad match, bad setup and worse ending, especially on this show.

Post match Dreamer chases Daivari up the stage, where Khali catches him with the tree slam. Therefore, we pause for Dreamer to be checked on but then get up.

Paul Heyman puts Hardcore Holly into the main event to replace Sabu. This is booed out of the building.

Kelly Kelly/Mike Knox vs. Ariel/Kevin Thorn

Oh this could be trouble. Before the match, Kelly wishes CM Punk luck in the main event. The guys start (thank goodness) by shoving each other around before Thorn clotheslines him down and grabs a quickly released neck crank. A hard clothesline cuts Knox down again and we hit another nothing chinlock.

Knox fights up with a slam for two and kicks Thorn in the face for a knockdown. This time it’s Knox cranking on Thorn’s neck but Ariel makes the save. She even stays in this time and wants Kelly to join her, meaning it’s time for a lot of hair pulling (Striker disapproves). A boot choke in the corner has Tazz losing his train of thought and an ax handle to the back cuts Kelly off again. Kelly manages to kick Ariel away though….and Knox walks out on her, leaving Ariel to hit a choke STO for the pin.

Rating: D-. It was a nothing match and the high point was Mike Knox vs. Kevin Thorn. This is airing on pay per view and would have been an ice cold match on TV in addition to the match being terrible as a bonus. I didn’t think this show could actually fall even further but this pay per view continues to amaze me.

Post match the beatdown stays on but Sandman makes the save. Thorn gets caned down and beer is consumed.

We get a video of Michael Cole running down the Armageddon card. Also not on Peacock.

Bobby Lashley says it is his destiny to win the title.

Video on the Elimination Chamber. Notice the high level of padding tonight.

We’re still not ready yet though as here is Paul Heyman, with security, for a chat. Heyman talks about how Hulkamania will die with Hulk Hogan and WOO will die with Ric Flair. ECW will live on behind him though, with Big Show as its champion. The days of Sandman and Sabu and Tommy Dreamer are over and it is the ECW of the Big Show. Now lower the Chamber!

ECW Title: Big Show vs. Hardcore Holly vs. CM Punk vs. Bobby Lashley vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Test

Show is defending in the Extreme Elimination Chamber, meaning there is a weapon in each pod. Hardcore Holly is in at #1 and Rob Van Dam is in at #2 and there are five minute intervals. Holly takes him into the corner and starts kicking away but Rob pops up and gets sent into the cage….but holds onto the side because he can. The spinning high crossbody only hits the rope though and Van Dam crashes down again. Van Dam gets sent into the cage again but manages to get a boot up to cut off a diving Holly.

Rolling Thunder over the top rope hits Holly but he suplexes Van Dam back inside. There’s the dropkick and it’s CM Punk with his chair in at #3. A monkey flip sends Holly onto the chair and Punk kicks Van Dam down. The chair is wedged in the corner and Van Dam, who has been busted open somewhere in there, is sent hard into it. Punk kicks him again but Holly is back up with a side slam. Holly drops Punk onto the top rope and there’s a top rope superplex to take him down again.

Test, with his crowbar, is in at #4 and hits Punk in the ribs before clawing at Van Dam’s cut. Punk grabs a Stunner on Test of the top rope and the bloody Van Dam kicks Holly in the face. Van Dam skateboards the chair into Punk in the corner and hits the Five Star for the pin and the elimination for Punk’s first pinfall in WWE. Test kicks Holly in the face for an elimination, even if the count didn’t seem to go down properly. Van Dam goes up top but Test chairs him in the knee and pulls him right back down in a crash.

An elbow off the top of the pod onto the chair onto Van Dam is good for the elimination, meaning that the countdown to Lashley is official. It also means that the ring is clear, save for Test, for about a minute and a half because this match can’t time things either. Bobby Lashley with his table is….not allowed to get in because test and the security guards block the door. That’s fine with Lashley, who uses the table to break the roof open and climbs through the top. Eh points for a cool entrance.

Lashley unloads for a bit until Test gets him into the corner for some choking. Lashley suplexes him down, hits him with the crowbar, and nails a spear for the pin. Therefore, let’s wait a minute and a half before Big Show with his barbed wire baseball bat can come in at #6 to give us the showdown. Lashley has to use the chair to shield himself with the bat but manages to knock Show outside anyway. Show is sent through the pod to bust him open but he knocks Lashley down again. Back in and the chokeslam is countered into a DDT, followed by a spear for the pin and the title.

Rating: D. And that’s probably high. This was a really dull Chamber with the two badly times falls that left them sitting around with nothing to do for a few minutes. The match is less than twenty five minutes and you knew that Lashley had the title won with about ten minutes to go.

Look at the participants here. Van Dam, Show and Lashley are fine, but that leaves you with three pretty weak choices. Punk would go on to become a huge star, but at this point he had been around for a few months with his career consisting of feuds with Shannon Moore and Mike Knox. That is kind of lacking in any kind of meaningful wins in WWE and it showed badly. The other two are Test and Hardcore Holly as a replacement. That leaves you with three options, but Test dominated a good portion of the middle. That’s the best they could put together and that should tell you a whole low.

The show was long past the point of saving by the time we got to the match, but then they had this boring mess to make it even worse. There was no drama, the popular guys were done in less than fifteen minutes and the weapons managed to make it less violent than the previous Elimination Chambers. Not the worst match of all time, but pretty horrible and probably the worst Chamber match to date, if nothing else for the star power included and the lack of drama near the end.

Lashley’s pyro celebration ends the show.

Overall Rating: F. What is there to say about this show? It’s a good match, then a C level version of the C level TV show and a huge main event which bombed as hard as anything in recent memory. This show felt slapped together and I would bet on the middle four matches being thrown together earlier in the day. Outside of the opener, the best match on the card was the FBI vs. Sylvester Terkay and Elijah Burke. Do you get how far you have fallen to have those four in second place?

This show made it very clear that WWE did not care about ECW and there was no stopping the show’s collapse even further into nothingness. There was no effort, there was one good match out of six (featuring people not from ECW) and the main event was a mixture of predictable and bad. This is what we got for the first ECW pay per view, which does at least give us a special milestone.

With this show, you can officially say that the new ECW is done. There wasn’t much to the show coming in and then it got even worse here. The show resulted in Paul Heyman leaving WWE and ECW, making this nothing more than the dumping ground for the people with nothing else to do. It was clear that the show wasn’t going to mean anything and once Heyman left, there was no reason to pretend anymore.

Heyman argued with Vince McMahon about the show both before and after, resulting in Heyman walking out on the company and not being seen again for over five years. Heyman’s idea was to have Punk make Show submit early and win the title, which worked fine for Show. Instead, Punk goes out first to end his undefeated streak. Heyman knew that things were done so he left, and after this debacle, can you really blame him?

One thing that doesn’t get the attention it deserves is the middle of the card with the four matches between the two they actually advertised. Striker vs. Mahoney is at least a logical way to go and Daivari vs. Dreamer has been built up a bit on TV. That leaves you with a tag team squash and a mixed tag with three heels and Kelly Kelly. I know WWE has a lot of problems, but they know how to throw together a four match series better than this. This felt like they were trying to troll the fans (or at least Heyman) and with none of these matches even hitting eight minutes, the lack of effort is pretty clear.

This show is about as perfect of an example of a show where WWE didn’t care and we were just left to get over it. It was a week after Survivor Series and two weeks before Armageddon, so in addition to treating the fans to an awful show, how many fans who watched or heard about the show passed on the next show because of what WWE delivered here?

This didn’t feel like a pay per view (a two hour and fifteen minute run time, comparable to Coliseum Videos didn’t help either) and it has absolutely earned the reputation that it maintains. I know it isn’t quite the same thing as a top level WWE pay per view, but it is hard to think of anything that the company has released that is near its level. This show is a complete disaster and one of the all time bombs on pay per view.

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December To Dismember (2016 Redo): It’s Old And That Doesn’t Make Things Much Better

IMG Credit: WWE

I forgot I had redone this and it really, really needed it.

December To Dismember
Date: December 3, 2006
Location: James Brown Arena, Augusta, Georgia
Attendance: 4,800
Commentators: Joey Styles, Tazz

Speaking of no effort on the undercard, of the five matches aside from the main event, one was announced. Yeah of a six match card, you were told two matches and still expected to pay the full price for the show. Now the good sign here is that the other announced match was the reunited Hardy Boyz vs. MNM (Joey Mercury and Johnny Nitro, a good young team and reminiscent of the Hardys.) but the lack of effort here does not bode well. Let’s get to it.

Naturally the opening video focuses on the Chamber and how amazing it is that there are WEAPONS in the pods now.

MNM vs. Hardy Boyz

Jeff is Intercontinental Champion coming in and fresh off a long feud with Nitro. MNM has Melina with them and this is the result of an open challenge issued by Matt and Jeff. Matt and Mercury start things off with Hardy getting in a shoulder before it’s time for a four man standoff. It’s time to work on Joey’s arm but it’s off to Nitro, who takes a hiptoss of his own. Everything breaks down again and something like a double belly to back suplex drops Mercury again. Joey finally gets in a shot to the ribs, only to have Johnny get caught in a Razor’s Edge into a sitout powerbomb.

Melina offers a distraction so Matt can get caught by a clothesline. The fans try to make this feel like ECW by shouting about various diseases Melina has but it’s just no the same. A quick headscissors from Melina has Tazz making jokes about her short skirt, as well as setting up a double faceplant for two on Matt. The announcers keep bickering and you can tell this isn’t going to be much of a show. It’s just clear that the effort isn’t here and it’s showing badly.

Jeff gets knocked off the apron and MNM gets to use some Poetry In Motion for some salt in the wounds. They go a bit too far though with an attempt at a Twist of Fate, allowing Matt to shove Joey into Nitro for a good old fashioned crotching. Jeff gets to come in for a sitout gordbuster on Mercury as the Hardys clear the ring. It’s time to fire off all the dives and the fans are actually interested for a change.

Back inside and Mercury takes the Twist of Fate, only to have Nitro pull him away from the Swanton. MNM starts in on Jeff’s back as the fans go even more insane for the good guys. A double whip sends him into the corner, drawing out another LOUD screech from Melina. Just to prove her worth, Melina flips off the fans like a true ECW woman should. I mean, she’s not actually on the ECW roster but it’s not like that roster was strong enough for a full pay per view anyway.

A backbreaker/slingshot elbow drop gets two on Jeff and we hit the chinlock, meaning it should be time for the comeback. Jeff kicks Mercury outside but he’s smart enough to pull Matt outside to break up another tag. Nitro shows some intelligence of his own by pulling Jeff back to the MNM corner, only to have a Whisper in the Wind take both of them down.

Now it’s the hot tag off to Matt for a wide variety of clotheslines, including one in the corner to really mix things up. The Side Effect gets two on Nitro as everything breaks down. Jeff can’t get a superbomb on Joey as Nitro makes the save, allowing Mercury to counter into a super hurricanrana.

The Hardys hit stereo superplexes but Melina gets on the apron for a distraction, only to get kicked down by Nitro by mistake. The Snapshot (flapjack/DDT combo) gets two on Jeff with Matt making the save, followed by a double cutter off the middle rope to drop Nitro and Mercury at the same time. The Swanton onto both of them at the same time gives Jeff the pin at 22:23.

Rating: B+. Even though the show is probably going downhill from here and the ending was a bit flat, this was a very cool version of the old tag team formula. You just don’t get that kind of wrestling anymore and it’s really fun to see them break it out every now and then. The Hardys would stick around for a bit on a nostalgia tour, including a few more matches against MNM. This would be one of the last big time MNM matches as the team would split soon after this with Mercury being released in March.

Rob Van Dam thinks the ECW World Title is worth the risks of the Elimination Chamber.

Matt Striker vs. Balls Mahoney

Striker is a former teacher who still wears argyle to the ring, making him one of the biggest heels in the new ECW. Mahoney is an ECW original and looks like a caveman in jean shorts. Before the match, Striker says he’s here to restore order in a violent society so this is going to be an Extreme Rules match.

That would normally mean anything goes but Matt means an extreme enforcement of the rules, meaning no eye gouging, no hair pulling, no maneuvers off the top rope and of course no foul language. The announcers rip on Striker for having his face on his trunks and I can’t help but agree. It’s a great heel tactic though. Mahoney goes for the leg to start but settles for a cross armbreaker to send Striker over to the ropes.

Matt sends him shoulder first into the post and starts in on the arm, making sure to pull the hair behind the referee’s back. We hit the armbar for a bit before Mahoney gets crotched on the top. A Fujiwara Armbar (with Matt shouting TAP) shows more intensity than Striker has ever had about anything but Mahoney gets the rope. It’s comeback time with a side slam and backdrop, followed by a sitout spinebuster for the pin on Striker at 7:22.

Rating: D. So not only are the matches being announced that night, but it seems that the booking is being made up on the fly as well. This should have been the most basic story imaginable with Mahoney beating him in a straight match before Matt cheats to win. Instead we get a clean pin after a few minutes of arm work. As usual it’s not the worst match in the world as the arm work was fine, but this could have been on any given TV show instead of a pay per view.

Sabu has been attacked and is put on a stretcher. The BS chant drowns out the medics and the next theme music.

Elijah Burke/Sylvester Terkay vs. FBI

Burke is better known as D’Angelo Dinero in TNA, Terkay is a big man with an MMA background and the FBI (Full Blooded Italians) are two smaller guys named Guido Maritato and Tony Marinara, both ECW originals. The Italians also have the gorgeous and scantily clad Trinity in their corner. Guido and Burke, in a hat, start things off as Joey tells a drooling Tazz to take a cold shower. Burke is taken to the mat and Guido steals the hat like a true villain, though he’s on the good team here.

It’s off to Terkay to beat Marinara down in the corner and throw Guido over the top onto his partner. Fans: “YOU STILL SUCK!” Guido fights out of Burke’s chinlock but eats running knees in the corner, followed by an STO for two. Another chinlock is broken and the tag brings in Marinara to clean house as the fans are just GONE. The Italians kick out Terkay’s legs but he forearms Tony into the Elijah Experience (the Stroke) for the pin at 6:42.

Rating: F. What am I even supposed to think about this? Burke and Terkay were a nothing team with Terkay being released in about six weeks. The FBI were just another pair of token ECW originals with Guido being nothing more than a jobber and Mamaluke being released on the same day as Terkay. Another bad match here and I’m losing the little faith I have in the show.

Terkay lays Guido out post match.

Sabu is taken away in an ambulance.

Daivari vs. Tommy Dreamer

Daivari has Great Khali (7’2, 420lbs) in his corner. This is a rematch from a recent episode of ECW where Dreamer beat Daivari by DQ when Khali interfered. An early distraction lets Daivari hammer away, only to be knocked outside. Back in and a suplex drops Daivari but Khali low bridges Tommy to the floor. The referee sees it though and ejects the giant like you might see on any given episode of Raw.

That’s one of the major issues here: the matches don’t feel like something worthy of a pay per view. Like I said, this was originally on TV and the rematch doesn’t feel special in the slightest. Dreamer gets caught in a chinlock as the fans want hardcore. Good point actually as we haven’t had anything besides a regular match so far, again missing the point of ECW. Another chinlock keeps the match going and he puts Daivari in the Tree of Woe for the running dropkick. Dreamer’s DDT is loaded up but Daivari grabs a rollup and tights for the pin at 7:22.

Rating: F+. If there’s a point to this show besides making ECW look like the most worthless show that has ever existed, it’s sailing over my head. It’s a bunch of bad matches (save for the opener, which had four people not on the ECW roster) with no stories and weak TV finishes. Dreamer being on the show made sense but you can’t even put him in a hardcore match to give the fans a little something? Apparently not because that might be entertaining and that’s clearly not the goal here.

Post match Dreamer chases Daivari up the ramp but runs into Khali, who chokeslams him on the stage for something more interesting than almost anything else on the show tonight. Medics check on Tommy, who says he can’t feel his feet.

Paul Heyman has found a replacement for Sabu: Hardcore Holly. The audience audibly groans. Not boos, not yells, not shouts, but groans in pure disappointment. That should not be happening on a wrestling show but can you blame them?

Mike Knox/Kelly Kelly vs. Kevin Thorn/Ariel

Knox is a big guy with a beard and Kelly is his blonde bombshell girlfriend, though she has a thing for CM Punk. She even wishes him luck in the Chamber tonight. Thorn is a vampire enthusiast and Ariel is his…..I guess girlfriend. Again no real story here other than two pairs who had nothing else to do. The guys start things off with the first significant contact coming over a minute in as Kevin gets in some right hands. Knox’s clothesline doesn’t have much effect as Thorn grabs a chinlock. They’re just letting the crowd die here every second the women aren’t in there.

Kevin charges into a boot for two and Knox slowly pounds away before grabbing a front facelock. The hold is driven back into the corner for the tag to Ariel, meaning Kelly has to come in as well. Aries chokes a lot including a boot version in the corner which is nothing more than an excuse for an upskirt shot. It would be even better if Kelly actually sold any of this. Knox walks away instead of tagging in, leaving Kelly to take a choke legsweep for the pin at 7:43.

Rating: F-. Only because this was somehow even worse than the other matches. Kelly was gorgeous and the crowd loved her but she was one of the worst “wrestler” I’ve ever seen. Ariel was trying but if this is the best she has to work with, there’s not much else she can do. Absolutely horrible here with a lame angle to end things.

Post match Ariel keeps choking Kelly until Sandman (ECW legend) comes out for the save.

Bobby Lashley (basically Brock Lesnar minus charisma) isn’t worried about Paul Heyman stacking the deck against him.

We recap the main event, which as usual is basically just a video about the Chamber and people talking about how extreme the match will be.

Here’s Paul Heyman, flanked by his nameless personal security, for a chat. Heyman talks about how Hulkamania will die with Hulk Hogan and the WOOs will die with Ric Flair but thanks to him, ECW will live on forever. That brings him to the Chamber, which Sabu will not be participating in because of his injuries. However, tonight is about the new generation of ECW and not about the old stars like Sabu or the Sandman. Tonight we see the crowning jewel of the ECW Champion the Big Show, the biggest star ECW has ever seen.

The Chamber is lowered.

ECW World Title: Hardcore Holly vs. Test vs. CM Punk vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Lashley vs. Big Show

Show is defending and each pod has a weapon included. They don’t really try to hide the fact that Show, Holly and Test are on the same team here. Holly and Van Dam start things off with a slow pace (fair due to the nature of the match) until they head outside where Van Dam springboards onto the cage wall in a very cool looking spot.

Unfortunately he misses his dive off the cage and clotheslines himself on the top rope, leaving Holly to stand around. Holly goes up top and dives into a raised boot, allowing Van Dam to hit Rolling Thunder over the top and onto the cage floor. A suplex sends Van Dam back inside and Holly gets in his great looking dropkick for two. CM Punk comes in third and smashes Holly with his chair. Van Dam picks the chair up and pelts it at Punk’s head to stop him cold. Punk’s face says something like “Ok that really hurt.”

Van Dam tries his legsweep but Punk hits something like a Fameasser onto the chair to draw some blood. The bloody head is sent into the chair in the corner, only to have Holly swing Punk head first into the cage wall to take over again. Things slow down again until Holly grabs a top rope superplex on Punk with Van Dam coming in for a near fall. Rob superkicks Punk to break up a bulldog on Holly (makes sense in a way) and it’s Test with his crowbar in fourth.

Test goes after Punk and Van Dam but leaves Holly alone to go along with the plan. Van Dam comes back with chair shots to the villains’ heads, followed by a running dropkick to send the chair into Punk’s head as well. The Five Star Frog Splash eliminates Punk at 12:35, taking at least half the air out of the arena as well. Punk was the HEAVY crowd favorite here and having him go out first after getting beaten up more than anything else is another middle finger the crowd after way too much of the same throughout the night.

In an awkward moment, Test turns on Holly with a big boot for two but the referee says it’s a three anyway, putting Holly out at 12:45. Van Dam goes on top of Big Show’s pod but Show reaches through the roof to grab his foot, allowing Test to throw him off for a big crash. An elbow drop off the pod onto the chair onto Van Dam is enough for the elimination at 14:00 and OH MY the crowd is not happy.

I don’t mean they’re booing or anything but they just completely turn on the show (not hard at this point) because we’re down to Lashley, Test and Big Show for the title in the most un-ECW match you can imagine. If there was ANYTHING the fans could still cling to on this show it was the hope that Van Dam or Punk could win the title but instead it’s Punk out first and TEST eliminating Van Dam. Yes Test, the same guy who was nothing for years in WWE and was even released for a while, is the one that gets rid of the most popular guy left in the match.

As if all that wasn’t enough, we have a minute to kill because Test has no one left to fight. Lashley is supposed to come in fifth but Heyman’s security guards don’t let him out of his pod, meaning we have even more waiting around. Lashley finally uses his table to break through the roof of the pod (not that impressive when you remember Big Show did the same thing a few minutes earlier) and kicks Test away to almost no reaction.

Test is sent hard into a pod door as we might as well just have the villains walk out and let Lashley have an even longer celebration. The chair is kicked into Test’s face as the crowd isn’t even bothering reacting to anything. A spear pins Test at 19:42 but for some reason there’s over a minute left on the clock so let’s wait around even more because WWE can’t tell time.

Lashley kills time by dragging the table out of his pod and throwing it at Show’s pod. Show FINALLY gets in with his barbed wire baseball bat but Lashley blocks a bunch of swings with a chair. Another swing gets caught in the cage wall (with Show clearly shoving it further in) and we’re down to a regular fight.

A shot into the cage has Show busted open and Lashley throws him through a pod door. Heyman is panicking as Show tosses Lashley over the top and back inside but the chokeslam is countered into a DDT. Back up and Show misses a charge, setting up a spear to give Lashley the title at 24:40. Show’s total time in the match: three minutes and forty four seconds.

Rating: F-. What else is there even to say about this disaster? Actually there’s a very interesting backstory to this and it explains a lot. At this point, Paul Heyman was helping to write ECW TV and he had a rather different vision of what this should have been. Instead of Lashley winning like this, Heyman was going to put the title on Punk, who would have lasted throughout the entire match and eliminate Big Show early on (to his credit, Big Show was completely on board with the idea and more than ready to put Punk over). This makes even more sense when you consider Show had his title rematch two days later and then left for a year.

On top of that, the match was really pathetic with career midcarders Holly and Test taking up spots instead of putting someone young in there who might get a rub out of the thing. Sabu really would have been perfect here as he excelled in this kind of crazy hardcore environment but instead we had Holly, who wasn’t even a factor in the match. This whole thing was a disaster and a perfect way to end one of the worst major shows ever.

A quick celebration takes us out after less than two hours and fifteen minutes on the air.

Overall Rating: F. You could actually make a case that during the main event, at the moment that Van Dam was pinned, the original ECW was finally buried once and for all. It certainly wasn’t alive and well but it was still something that people wanted to believe in. Van Dam being eliminated, or instead this show as a whole, was the WWE saying no more because we’re doing this our way now.

If you need more proof just look at the rest of this show. Aside from a good opening match (again, between people not on the ECW roster) and the at least somewhat interesting idea of the main event, there was nothing on this show that mattered with four matches in the middle not even advertised with a bunch of people who wouldn’t even be on the roster in about six weeks.

On top of that, this show was one week after Survivor Series 2006 and two weeks before Armageddon 2006, as in the two full fledged WWE pay per views for November and December. This show was designed to be a disaster and the results aren’t shocking as the show only drew 90,000 pay per view buys, the lowest of all time until the WWE Network changed the pay per view model entirely.

One more note on the show itself: this isn’t the wrestlers’ fault. They were stuck in a horrible situation and had to make the best of it. Yeah the wrestling was horrible for the most part but there was no story or reason for having most of the matches. You can only go so far with those limitations and it showed badly here. That’s on the booking though and not the talent itself.

The original ECW died here and that’s really how it seems WWE wanted it that way. Heyman looked at this show and flat out told Vince that it would bomb. He would be promptly sent home and didn’t appear on WWE TV for over five years. Now I certainly get the idea that ECW wasn’t exactly in line with what WWE wanted to do, but the fans who still watched and supported the show didn’t deserve this kind of treatment. It felt like WWE punching the fans in the stomach and then spitting on them so Vince could laugh at ECW, before becoming ECW Champion in April.

This show is on the shortlist for worst show of all time and it’s really hard to come up with something to top it. They knew this was going to be bad and didn’t even deliver a full show (remember that it ran less than two hours and fifteen minutes with a total of match time of an hour and sixteen minutes) to the fans who actually paid to see it. This was an insult to the fans and I feel sorry for people who actually wanted to see this because WWE certainly doesn’t think much of them.

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On This Day: December 3, 2006 – December to Dismember: The Biggest Bomb In WWE History

It’s the closest thing to a major Christmas show I could think of. Also, what better way to almost close out the year than with an absolutely horrible show?

December to Dismember
Date: December 3, 2006
Location: James Brown Arena, Augusta, Georgia
Attendance: 4,800
Commentators: Joey Styles, Tazz

So this is more or less considered the standard for worst WWE PPV of all time. There are quite a few reasons for that and I’d say it’s likely true. Number one is Vince McMahon. Heyman was told to run this show and he put together a run sheet and the endings to matches etc.

Since Big Show had made it clear that he was leaving the company as soon as his contract was up two days after the show, the title change was clearly coming. Heyman’s original idea was Punk and Show start the Chamber match and Punk gets Show to tap out inside of four minutes. Punk liked it, Heyman liked it, Show LOVED it, the writers liked it, Vince hated it.

Vince insisted on Lashley getting the belt and a huge celebration ending the show. Heyman said allegedly three or four times that this was going to bomb. It did indeed bomb and guess what happened. Yep, Vince blamed Heyman for the whole thing and Paul quit/was thrown out. The second issue here is that we had seen Survivor Series SEVEN DAYS EARLIER.

Yeah, this is our second PPV in two weeks, so of course the buyrate was through the floor. That was of course Heyman’s fault too. Finally, this was called an ECW show. The problem was it was more or less a really long episode of the TV show with a bit main event. This wasn’t like the TV show now either. This was back when the show was awful and more or less held together with tape and gum every week. Let’s get this over with.

Of course the opening video is all about the Chamber. Oh, it’s an EXTREME Elimination Chamber as the four in pods will all have weapons. Give me a break.

Joey says this show might be infamous. That’s just amusing. He follows this by screwing up and saying there will be a new champion tonight. Thanks for the spoiler Joey.

MNM vs. Hardys

This was an open challenge that was accepted by MNM. Who cares that neither was on ECW at the time? This was one of two matches announced for the show. What does that tell you? MNM beat up the Hardys on Tuesday and that’s all there is to it. Jeff is IC Champion here by the way. Matt and Mercury start us off.

The Hardys are dominating and throw in a spin cycle which is always a cool move. It’s like a double suplex but they spin the other guy around. It’s hard to explain. And now we get the weird part of this: ECW chants by fans that actually think this is a real ECW show. They start a she’s a crack w**** chant at Melina and no one knows how to react to it.

Matt hits splash mountain on Nitro (Morrison) for two. Apparently Melina has herpes. This show really was doomed from the start on this. I didn’t know Scott Armstrong was refereeing this far back. Tazz isn’t helping things either with his idiotic commentary. To be fair though, he could be far more annoying, like that scream from Melina.

Tazz throws in that Cole doesn’t like women. If true, I’m not entirely surprised. In a funny bit, MNM go for the Twist of Fate and Swanton but Matt fights off and gets the hot tag to Jeff. Matt hits a Pescado on Mercury which is more or less caught and reversed to set up the big pile of aerial moves which never gets old.

Jeff misses the Swanton as Mercury pulls Nitro out. This has been pretty good so far. Tazz gets off on the screaming I think. Morrison looks weird with blonde hair. It’s MNM in control now as they beat up Jeff. Yeah Tazz is driving me crazy. Melina is a crack w**** again apparently. It amazes me that she was more or less just the sexy valet at this point and became a great worker (by comparison) in just a few years.

They’re being given a lot of time if nothing else as we’re about 15 minutes into this and there seems to be a good amount of time to go in it. Is Tazz supposed to be Jerry Lawler or something? If he is he’s somehow more annoying than Jerry if that’s possible. Jeff gets a Whisper in the Wind out of nowhere to set up the tag to Matt.

In a cool spot, Jeff is tagged back in and goes up. Matt tries to set Mercury up for a powerbomb by handing him to Jeff but Nitro makes the save and then shoves Mercury up to Jeff so he can hit a hurricanrana. That was freaking cool. Nitro accidentally dropkicks Melina and Jeff rolls him up for a LONG two.

Jeff takes the Snapshot but Matt makes the save. This is awesome stuff now. MNM sets for a top rope Snapshot but Matt saves with a double cutter to let Jeff hit a Swanton onto both of them for the pin. By the way, the Snapshot is Nitro holding up the other guy and Mercury hitting an elevated DDT.

Rating: B+. This was very good stuff as they were given a lot of time and it worked very well. This was a way to let MNM look good, even though at the end of the day they weren’t even the best tag team that Morrison was even a part of. Either way this was good stuff and it worked very well. Definitely good, but the show would go all downhill from here.

Van Dam says he’ll win the title tonight.

Matt Striker vs. Balls Mahoney

See what I mean about them not advertising anything? I think you can see why based on this one alone. They had been feuding back in the day and no one cared so let’s have people pay to see the “blowoff” to it. They kept saying that Striker was a former teacher that had to resign but it was never explained why: he got in trouble for going to wrestle at night.

The match tonight is under Striker’s Rules, meaning very strict. There is no eye gouging, no hair pulling, no top rope moves, and no foul language. I didn’t know that Bill Watts booked ECW. Balls comes out to a bad cover of Big Balls. They make jokes about Striker having a picture of himself on his body.

If there has ever been a match that belonged on TV, this is it. It’s ok, but it’s certainly not worth paying anything for. After even more boring stuff, this time mainly arm work from Balls, he hits the Nutcracker Sweet, of course not called that here, to get the win.

Rating: D. Not only was it boring, but this was something people had to pay to see without it being mentioned or advertised. Other than the opener and the main event, that’s the case all around tonight actually. You’re starting to get the idea why this show is considered awful.

Punk is getting ready.

Sabu is hurt and Hardcore Holly is replacing him in the main event. The fans, knowing what’s going on, loudly chant BS at this.

Sylvester Terkay/Elijah Burke vs. F.B.I.

This FBI is Guido and Tony Mamaluke. Burke is the Pope from TNA, and yet, he’s still overrated and more or less worthless. “But KB, he can talk so well!” Well that would bet true if it wasn’t BS. He’s talking now and he’s annoying me already. Now in TNA he’s a modern day Slick and just as annoying.

The only good thing about the FBI is they have Trinity and she looks quite good. Yep, that’s all I’m going to care about here. Terkay is more or less an MMA guy that wrestled. Apparently Tazz needs a cold shower. Can we please get to the end of this show PLEASE? We have a very weak where’s my pizza chant as I feel so sorry for the live fans.

This was a massive slap in the face of all of ECW and its fans, but hey, Vince gets to feel like he killed the freaking place and his delusions of grandeur are fulfilled for one more day right? All is right with the world now. More or less this is a way for Terkay to beat people up. It’s more or less a squash.

Actually screw that: it is a squash. Naturally the ECW guys get destroyed on an ECW show so that the WWE guys can look great. Oh and after the match, Terkay uses a Muscle Buster to get a big TNA chant going. Ok so not big but whatever. Just move on please.

Rating: D-. Screw Vince. This was just dumb. I get that you hate ECW but if you’re going to screw the audience like this, get over yourself Vince.

Sabu is put in an ambulance.

We get an ad for Raw, on an ECW show. This is freaking garbage.

Daivari vs. Tommy Dreamer

Daivari is more commonly known as Sheik Abdul Bashir recently and here he’s known as the manager of the Great Khali. I wonder what’s going to happen here. Dreamer jobbing would be ok I guess. Those poor fans actually think Dreamer has a chance in this. Khali is thrown out. And now no one else cares. It’s Dreamer vs. a tiny guy that never does anything else.

Dreamer gets some of his big spots in to get the crowd going a bit, but naturally as he goes for the DDT, Daivari just rolls him up with the tights for the pin. I hate this show more and more every time. Of course Khali comes out and chokeslams him on the ramp. Tazz is legit ticked off as you can tell.

Rating: W. That stands for who freaking cares anymore. I’m not even an ECW fan and I’m even an ECW critic and this is ticking me off. Tell me one reason why Daivari should have gone over like that here. If you’re going to have Khali destroy him, fine, but have that be the reason to end the freaking match. This is just mindless.

Dreamer takes forever to get up as we’re an hour and 15 minutes into this and we have two matches left, one of which is a mixed tag.

Ad for See No Evil, which is of course, a WWE thing and not an ECW thing.

I actually took a break at this point to watch a bad Disney Channel movie. That’s how annoyed I am with this show.

Heyman gives Hardcore Holly the spot in the main event. The fans pause and then know what’s coming, as Holly gets the spot. I actually can’t understand Holly’s first line as the fans are booing so loudly. This was a freaking atrocity and it’s pathetic that it has to be. The fans are just freaking dead now.

Ariel/Kevin Thorn vs. Kelly/Mike Knox

Kelly dated Knox apparently. Kelly at this point is an exhibitionist and AWFUL. I mean she’s ridiculously bad so we get Knox and Thorn. Knox has no beard at this point and is somehow more worthless than he was before. Oh dang it they’re letting him talk. Oh good Kelly is talking instead. She likes Punk, who gets a chant. That chant didn’t happen though. No one likes Punk. What people want is HARDCORE HOLLY AND TEST!!!

Thorn is a vampire and Ariel is a fortune telling gypsy or something. She would become Salinas in TNA in case you’re more familiar with them. This is a freaking disgrace. I’m glad no one bought it as it makes things seem a bit better. No one cares about this either as since both girls can’t wrestle we more or less have a Knox vs. Thorn match.

And here they are. At least Kelly looks hot. Kelly tries to get the tag to Knox but he leaves. Note: the fans chant for Punk to come make the save. To make sure it’s clear: Punk is WAY over. Sandman makes the save instead which gets a nice pop.

Rating: D-. Kelly looking hot is the only reason this passes. I just want to get to the end of this.

We get a long ad for Armageddon, which was the third PPV in four weeks. WWE was so stupid at this point that I can’t comprehend it.

Some RIDICULOUSLY hot chick named Rebecca interviews Lashley. She can’t talk but she doesn’t need to. It’s mainly about how Lashley has had to put up with a ton of nonsense, more or less confirming that he’ll win tonight, which only Vince wanted to see.

Three of the people in the chamber come to the ring together. We get the same exact video as the one that opened the show. Oh man they knew they had jack. We’re about an hour and a half into the show at this point mind you.

Heyman comes out and talks while saying nothing at all. This is nothing more than trying desperately to fill in time.

ECW World Title: CM Punk vs. Bobby Lashley vs. Test vs. Hardcore Holly vs Big Show vs. Rob Van Dam

Now keep in mind, Punk and Lashley were more or less worthless at this point, so the only two legit main event guys you have in there are RVD who was hated by the company at this point and Show who didn’t care as he was leaving in 48 hours. RVD and Holly start. Remember that as soon as each pod opens up, the person comes out with a weapon which I’ll get to as each pod opens.

Holly is booed out of the building. Naturally Vince will insist that it’s because of how great a heel he is or whatever. So we have to watch Holly and Van Dam for five minutes. Oh joy. The entrances took almost ten minutes mind you. The fans are dead here by the way. We get Rolling Thunder on the cage, which is impressive but we’ve seen it before.

They’ve managed to make the Elimination Chamber boring. That’s just impressive. Note: another Punk chant goes up. I can’t emphasize this enough: PUNK IS OVER. In third is Punk and his chair to a freaking ERUPTION. It’s a shame that he didn’t have a chance to win here. And Van Dam kicks the chair into him so he’s down 30 seconds in.

Ok to be fair, they’re the two most over guys in there so that’s ok I guess. Van Dam is bleeding. Apparently you can get pins outside on the cage now. That’s new I think. Heyman is the evil GM here in case you didn’t know. Punk is getting destroyed by Holly here in case you weren’t sure.

Also Punk would have his first loss in the company to Holly in about a month with the justification being that Holly was the bigger star and should go over. Again: if it’s not Vince’s idea, it’s not a good idea. In fourth is Test with a crowbar. Naturally he nails Punk with it. This is freaking stupid. Test and Hardcore Holly are in THE MAIN EVENT OF A PAY PER VIEW.

The idea here is that the heels are all working together which is completely pointless considering the idea of the match but that can’t be Vince’s idea. Heyman “booked” this remember? And then Van Dam hits this Five Star and Punk is gone. Yep, the most over guy in the match is out first while Test and Holly get to stick around.

Test puts Holly out ten seconds later with a big boot. It was only a two but the referee calls it three. The announcers and fans are confused but since this show isn’t for the fans it doesn’t matter. Van Dam goes up on top of Big Show’s pod but a chair shot puts him down. Test hits a big elbow off the pod…and Van Dam is out. Let’s see. Why is this stupid? Number one, the most over guy left is Big Show.

Second, now THERE’S NO ONE FOR TEST TO FIGHT, so it’s just dead time now. Third, you had freaking TEST beat RVD. We’re still just sitting around after two replays of the elbow and just waiting on ANYTHING to happen. The fans have completely turned on the match at this point and don’t care at all. Thankfully the next guy in is Lashley.

He gets NO pop at all. Heyman’s security try to hold him in the pod, but using the WOODEN table in the pod with him, he breaks the STEEL chains on top of the pod. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? The table is still in the pod mind you so it’s not like it’s even being used. They keep ramming Test into the Plexiglas to set up Lashley vs. Show.

Yeah, that’s what this whole thing is supposed to end with: the massive showdown between Show and a heavily muscled guy. I know I’ve said it before, but Vince has to have repressed homosexual desires towards musclemen. I mean really, is there any doubt of it at this point? The fans HATE this mind you.

A spear puts Test out with a minute and a half left until Show comes out. In other words, we have nothing to do but wait for the time to run out. You might as well quit reading now as you know exactly what’s coming. Show comes in with his barbed wire ball bat and naturally he gets in no offense as it’s ALL Lashley here.

He avoids the chokeslam and they slug it out. Lashley is terrible in the ring at this point mind you, so this is even more torture. And he wins it with a spear. The main event is over two hours and five minutes into the show.

Rating: D-. This was just completely ridiculous for reasons I’ve already gone into. For another thing, SABU, the guy that has somehow made a whole career out of doing stupid stunts in a ring, is left out here in favor of Holly. Are you freaking KIDDING? This was just dumb and nothing more than Vince deciding that he’s smarter than the fans once again.

And that’s it. No seriously, the show which cost 40 dollars started at 8pm and was over at 10:05pm, the last 4 minutes being the celebration by Lashley. Do I even need to insult this?

Overall Rating: I. For incomplete. Where’s the last 45 minutes of this? I know WWE cuts their shows early, but this was inexcusable. Not only does it end 40 minutes early, but there were two matches allegedly worth seeing and the Hardys vs. MNM was the only good thing of it at all. This wasn’t a PPV. It was Vince making sure that ECW died the way he wanted it to.

If Vince would listen once all night, he could have heard the fans BEGGING for this to be Punk but the rookie muscle guy gets it instead. Heyman was of course blamed for the whole thing because while he wrote the show, it was his third one or so and the only reason he went with it was because Vince wouldn’t accept anything.

Like I said, the initial idea was Punk puts Show out in about three minutes and we end with Van Dam, Punk and Lashley (if we have to) in a 20 minute war. Alas, that would have been entertaining though so they went with Lashley being given the hero push so Vince would have nice wet dreams that night. This was an abomination and not a PPV at all.

Get the Hardys/MNM match if you like tag wrestling, but other than that don’t do anything with this show so Vince doesn’t get anything out of it. This was an insult to the fans at best and an ego trip by Vince of epic proportions.

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December to Dismember: The Worst Selling Show In Company History

December to Dismember
Date: December 3, 2006
Location: James Brown Arena, Augusta, Georgia
Attendance: 4,800
Commentators: Joey Styles, Tazz

So this is more or less considered the standard for worst WWE PPV of all time. There are quite a few reasons for that and I’d say it’s likely true. Number one is Vince McMahon. Heyman was told to run this show and he put together a run sheet and the endings to matches etc.

Since Big Show had made it clear that he was leaving the company as soon as his contract was up two days after the show, the title change was clearly coming. Heyman’s original idea was Punk and Show start the Chamber match and Punk gets Show to tap out inside of four minutes. Punk liked it, Heyman liked it, Show LOVED it, the writers liked it, Vince hated it.

Vince insisted on Lashley getting the belt and a massive celebration ending the show. Heyman said allegedly three or four times that this was going to bomb. It did indeed bomb and guess what happened. Yep, Vince blamed Heyman for the whole thing and Paul quit/was thrown out. The second issue here is that we had seen Survivor Series SEVEN DAYS EARLIER.

Yeah, this is our second PPV in two weeks, so of course the buyrate was through the floor. That was of course Heyman’s fault too. Finally, this was called an ECW show. The problem was it was more or less a really long episode of the TV show with a bit main event. This wasn’t like the TV show now either. This was back when the show was awful and more or less held together with tape and gum every week. Let’s get this over with.

Of course the opening video is all about the Chamber. Oh, it’s an EXTREME Elimination Chamber as the four in pods will all have weapons. Give me a break.

Joey says this show might be infamous. That’s just amusing. He follows this by freaking up and saying there will be a new champion tonight. Thanks for the spoiler Joey.