Russell Crowe Wrestling: RussellMania 3
Date: March 30, 2023
Location: Burbank Moose Lodge, Burbank, California
Commentators: Erik Barnes, Rivers Langley

So this is Wrestling Pro Wrestling, a comedy promotion run by Brian Kendrick. The event was held over Wrestlemania weekend and then released on Youtube, though I have a grand total of no idea what to expect here. With wrestlers named Poptart Boy and Leather Daddy, I’m almost scared to know what I’m getting myself into. Let’s get to it.

Opening video, which features a bunch of stills and has quite the early 80s feeling.

Erik Barnes welcomes us to the show and makes it clear that Russell Crowe will NOT be wrestling and describes this as a wacky wrestling promotion. The Midcard Title (which sounds like the official name) and the Wrestle Turkey Title will be on the line tonight, but first, here is Cereal Man (a superhero with a box of cereal for a mask). He can’t find promoter Gary Tickles, who has left a note: “see you next show suckers, no refunds.”

There is an idea though, so here is Darwin Finch, apparently a scientist, who has invented a cloning machine. His goons have stolen some celebrity DNA, so here are clones of Tom Cruise, Gary Busey and Sean (normally spelled Shaun) White. Cereal Man says these clones suck, but apparently they are clones of celebrity impersonators on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (ah, the common problem). We’ll try one more so here is Chuck Norris….as portrayed by Jimmy Wang Yang. That’s enough for Cereal Man, who throws everyone out. Cereal Man: “You guys want to see a chicken wrestle a bear?”

Chick-A-Dee vs. Evgheni

Dee is a woman in a chicken costume (Commentary: “This pollo is loco!” Should be loca but whatever.) and Evgheni is a Russian bear. The Bear hibernates to start so Chick pokes him, only for the Bear to go back to sleep. Back up and a bear claw shove gets two on Chick but the referee faints after a well places growl. The Bear bites Chick’s face and then….decides to go to the bar, meaning it’s a countout at 4:09.

Rating: C. Yeah we’re going to be in for a weird show here and it should be a lot of fun as a result. I’m not sure I got the joke here but at least they are living up to the kind of show that they want to be. Also, thankfully they kept this short instead of driving the joke into the ground like so many would.

Anthony Andrews vs. Koto Hiro

Andrews is a cowboy and one half of the NWA US Tag Team Champions. Hiro on the other hand is your stereotypical Japanese masked man. They go for the grappling to start with the much smaller Hiro not being able to get very far. Hiro kicking him in the head works better though and a rolling cutter gets two.

Andrews knocks him outside and hammers away on the floor. Back in and Hiro snapmares him down into a jumping knee to the face but Andrews plants him with a Rock Bottom. A middle rope Codebreaker gets two but Hiro is back with a springboard spinning Codebreaker. That sets up a missed frog splash though and Andrews grabs a pumphandle powerslam for the pin at 8:50.

Rating: C+. Actually not too bad here, which mainly focused on a power vs. speed match. Andrews isn’t a hue guy but he’s big enough to outmatch someone like Hiro. Other than that, Hiro kept things moving enough and sold the big power stuff well enough. Not a great match, but it was close enough to being serious to make it work.

Respect is shown post match.

Fourmage Horsemen vs. Stoner Brothers/El Chupacabra/Anton Voorhees

Oh boy. This is WPW vs. Hoodslam, because that’s a good idea. So the Horsemen are Gorgonzole Anderson/Parm Anderson/Ricotta Flair/Tully Blancheddar, while the Stoners are Rick Scott and Scott Rick (not typos), complete with a STONERIZED theme. And yes, the Horsemen all have heads made of cheese. Before the match, Flair makes fun of the other four, including saying the Stoners are more like the Groaner Mothers. Anton and Tully start things off, with Tully going rather basic (“This is an aged cheddar after all.”) but Anton comes back with an enziguri.

Tully gets quadruple teamed in the corner so it’s off to Parm vs. Chupacabra, with the former being knocked into the corner. Rick Scott adds a superkick but Gorgonzole comes in for a wristlock. A series of shots in the corner put Gorgonzole down but he gets over to Flair for the rapid fire chops. Not that they matter as Flair is knocked down and picked up/dropped back by all four for a quadruple pin at 5:05.

Rating: C. Yeah I laughed and that’s the point of something like this. It’s a big choke with cheese puns and I don’t think they were trying to do anything else. Let them get in there, do their jokes and get out before it goes too long. If nothing else, points for being able to come up with a gag for the entire Horsemen, including that aged cheddar line.

A clone of David Copperfield (magician, not Dickens) and here is brings a fan into the ring for a card trick. Before he can complete it though, the Great Branzino, with his Goblins (Dingleberry and Grundell) interrupts. Branzino is about three and a half feet tall and says we’re not here for magic or over the top characters. No one wants to see that fool Luigi Primo! Cue Primo (the guy who can spin a pizza while doing really basic moves), with Branzino saying it’s an amazing coincidence that Primo is here. Since he is here though, the Goblins should get him!

Luigi Primo vs. Goblins/Great Branzino

They fight over wrist control, with Primo using the pizza to mistake. Primo hits them with the pizza, so Branzino tells the Goblins to form the TROLL TRON. As Grundell gets on Dingleberry’s shoulders, Copperfield gives Primo a second pizza, which he combines with the first to scare the Goblins away. Branzino hits Primo low for the DQ at 2:31.

Post match Branzino pulls out some pepperoni pizza flavored Combos but Primo chokeslams him onto them instead….for a pin, despite the bell ringing off the low blow. These pizza and magic themed characters should be better with their continuity.

Kid Isaac/Sam Squatch vs. Devastator 2/Devastatress

Devastator is billed from Hot Topic. Devastatress is a mystery partner, who is better known as Jazzy Yang (Jimmy Wang Yang’s daughter). Squatch is in a rather large Bigfoot costume and seems rather interested in the Combos. Isaac hands his sunglasses to Squatch to start and they are promptly destroyed. Devastator tries a test of strength and gets a tickle from Isaac and it works so well that they do it again. Isaac offers to let Devastator tickle him but gets kicked in the ribs instead.

Back up and Isaac runs the corner, walks the rope, and jumps back down for some more tickling. Squatch comes in to run Devastator over and a double shoulder gives Isaac two. Devastatress gets in a cheap shot from behind as commentary continues to call every move either the Devastator or the Devastat-Her. The chinlock goes on for a bit before Devastatress goes after the knee.

Isaac enziguris his way to freedom and hands it back to Squatch to slow things down. A Rocket Launcher hits Devastator for two but Devastatress isn’t tickleish. Instead Isaac forearms her in the face to little avail, as she drops him fast. A low blow to Squatch sets up a chokeslam, followed by a 3D to finish Isaac at 11:08.

Rating: C-. Once you got past the joke of every move being called the Devastator/Devastate-Her, there wasn’t much to see here. Isaac wasn’t overly funny and a guy in a Bigfoot costume is only going to get you so far. I wasn’t feeling this one, but when your entire show is a bunch of jokes, some things aren’t going to land.

And now we have the “Sexy Chino Hollywood Adjacent Dance Party”. We have Sexy Chino, the Clone of John Travolta, Emo Tep (the emo mummy), Boogaloo Brown, Haystacks (a large stack of hay wearing overalls), and David Boomerang (a giant mouse). They all dance until Boomerang….starts stabbing people. Boomerang is awarded the win “by way of stabbing” and apparently this is a pattern for him.

Tag Team Titles: Darwin Finch/Fidel Bravo vs. Fabio/LJ Cleary

Finch and Bravo (with El Cucho El Sicario) are defending. Finch and Fabio start things off as commentary stops to argue with Cleary over not being able to tell the challengers apart. Fabio hits a dropkick to start so it’s off to Cleary, who gets caught with a springboard armdrag. Bravo comes in and yells at Finch, allowing the challengers to take over and dance a bit.

The double teaming has Bravo in trouble and Fabio snaps off a suplex for two. Finch gets in a slap from the apron though and Bravo scores with a DDT. Everything breaks down and Finch and Bravo take over, with Bravo actually hugging him. Then Sicario hits Finch low, allowing Bravo to hit Finch with a Falcon Arrow so Cleary can get the pin and the titles at 7:12.

Rating: C. This wasn’t so much a joke as much as something with an actual storyline, which worked well enough. What mattered was getting the title change out there to make the show feel important and not doing a bunch of jokes for once. It makes something like this feel like it mattered, though things were hardly serious, as you should kind of expect around here.

Post match Officer Robot Cop (exactly what it sounds like) comes out to say the new champs broke the law so the titles are officially stripped. Finch and Bravo are still champions.

Midcard Title: Battle Royal

King Dezi, Jumping Jim Logan, Tarzan Duran, Man Like DeReiss, Hobo, Mike D., Charles Ray

Yes it’s called the Midcard Title and this is billed as a “several person battle royal”. Tarzan is Tarzan, Dezi is an actual king, DeReiss raps himself to the ring, Mike is rather muscular and Ray (a Ray Charles knockoff, complete with blindness and a yellow suit) is defending. Logan yells at everyone else to start and says he is NOT jumping, despite that being his name. He finally jumps once and a bunch of people knock him silly, allowing Ray to get the pin for the elimination.

Ray sings as everyone else fights to the floor (this is feeling a lot more like an elimination match than the battle royal they advertised) before heading outside to sing about how everyone in the ring is fighting and shooting. Mike bearhugs Hobo before Tarzan comes in to work on Hobo’s arm. Hobo hits a running corner clothesline but gets taken down by a flipping neckbreaker.

The singing is still going on as DeReiss stomps on Dezi in the corner. Hobo and DeReiss trade standing switches as Tarzan listens to Ray singing. After Hobo misses a kick, DeReiss…..sprays him with air freshener for the pin. With that odd choice out of the way (Ray, still singing: “Positive sounds, that’s what I heard, hope it was good.”), Tarzan comes back in and kicks Mike outside. A springboard flip dive takes Mike down and a Code Red gets two back inside.

Mike pops back up with a powerbomb and a helicopter bomb finishes Tarzan. Ray, with his trombone, comes in and hits some people by mistake, allowing Dezi to pin Mike. We’re down to Ray, Dezi and DeReiss and the singing continues, with commentary talking about how long this song has been doing. Ray is now singing about how he has a goat and 58 farms so DeReiss goes after him, only to get sceptered down by Dezi for the pin. Ray thinks the scepter is the microphone and accidentally knocks Dezi out before covering him to retain at 14:45.

Rating: B-. Ray sang that song for over fifteen minutes and while it was just bizarre freestyling by the end, it went on for so long that it was hilarious. This whole thing was a bunch of people getting in a little bit of time while Charles did his thing and it worked far better than it should have. This was one of the better jokes on the show and that is covering a lot of ground.

Sneaky Snakes vs. Leather Daddy/Rubber Baby

The Snakes would be the Sassy Assassin/Sneaky Pete and are in striped shirts and masks, making them look like very stereotypical prisoners/bank robbers. They also have Sacre Blue with them, while Daddy and Baby have very large rubber fast masks. The Snakes jump them from behind to start as Blue seems to be fighting in this as well. Baby gets double teamed to start but Daddy makes the save with a double noggin knocker. Back up and Pete knocks the Baby’s head off, revealing a red mask.

Baby gets to clean house but super fan Courtney Glove comes in to try and calm him down….which earns her a trip to the floor. Assassin hugs Baby but gives him an atomic drop, resulting in a diaper issue (just go with it). Baby chases the villains around with a diaper and rubs it in Blue’s face…which apparently allows Blue to talk without a lisp. Blue: “I CAN FINALLY BE A VOICE ACTOR!” He’s so happy that he falls down and Baby falls down on him for the pin at 5:04.

Rating: D+. So that happened. I’m not sure I get the joke here but the Snakes were at least unique in a good way…I think. This feels like something where I might need to know these people a bit more to care and this wasn’t exactly the most brilliant comedy. Much more of a skit than a match here and not in a good way.

Post match another shot to the face brings the lisp right back.

Eli Everfly vs. Gregory Shmegory Sharpe vs. Mizuki Watase

Sharpe is a high flier (as in a pilot) and Watase is from DDT Pro in Japan. Actually hang on as we have a fourth entrant.

Eli Everfly vs. Gregory Shmegory Sharpe vs. Mizuki Watase vs. Watts

Watts, a rather skinny guy, is described as a powerhouse. Watase and Watts form an early alliance which is broken up in all of three seconds. With the other three on the floor, Watase hits a big dive and strips down to his gear. Back in and Watase hits a basement dropkick on Sharpe, who is right back with a Rock Bottom. Everfly comes back in with a springboard wristdrag but Watts is back in to fall away slam all three of them. A double chokeslam puts Sharpe and Watase down but Everfly gets the sleeper.

That’s enough to bring Watts down to his knees and a triple kick to the head puts him down. Watase takes Everfly down but Sharpe knees him in the face to leave all four down. A chokebomb gets two on Sharpe with Everfly making the save. Everfly hits a heck of a tornado DDT to send Watts outside, where a top rope hurricanrana takes him down instead. Back in and Watase brainbusters Sharpe for two, followed by a scoop piledriver (starts as a slam, ends as a Tombstone) for the pin on Sharpe at 7:54.

Rating: C+. Other than the pilot thing for Sharpe, this was a pretty straight match without anything very unique or even comedy stuff. That being said, it was rather nice to have a different kind of match after doing so much of the same kind of material (even in different forms) all night long. Not a great match or anything, but a nice pallet cleanser, which you need at times.

Wrestling Pro Wrestling Wrestle Turkeys Title: Poptart Boy vs. Dark Sheik

Poptart Boy (he’s a walking Poptart and teams with Cereal Man as the Breakfast Of Champions) is defending (the title is huge and looks to be homemade) while Sheik is a mermaid (so she has to hop to the ring). A lockup puts Poptart Boy against the ropes and Sheik (still hopping, because she has a single fin instead of legs) flips him off.

Poptart Boy shoulders her down and hammers away in the corner. Sheik hammers away (Commentary: “Shot to the frosting.”) and it’s a Fish One Nine before Sheik starts eating his filling (exactly what it sounds like). Poptart Boy is fine enough to hit a chokeslam and a falling splash (frosting side down) retains the title at 4:19.

Rating: C. I’m sitting here trying to think of what to say about this and….yeah what am I supposed to say? It’s a humanoid Poptart fighting a woman whose legs are tied together to make her a mermaid while commentary uses lines from Under The Sea. This was every idea you could think of from the outer reaches of an intoxicated mind and yeah, it was kind of great.

Russel Crowe Pro Rumble

Cinderella Man, Robin Hood, 3:10 To Yuma, Gladiator, Master And Commander, Master And Commander 2, Another Gladiator, Another Gladiator, Black Gladiator, Beautiful Mind, King Ghiraffedorah

Darwin Finch is on commentary and each one is a character from a Russell Crowe movie (plus some repeats because, as commentary put it, they were running out of ideas). The bell rings and hang on as here is Ghiraffedorah (a three headed giraffe, due to reasons of just go with it) to get in the ring. Everyone backs away from him but it’s a bunch of headbutts and chokes (with the arms being other giraffe heads). Then he spits something out and it’s…..the ace of clubs, the card from the fan with the card trick about an hour and a half ago! The fan comes in and gets attacked as well so we’ll throw it out at 2:33.

Finch: “I really hope I won’t be held responsible for this.” Ghiraffedorah attacks some fans to end the show.

Overall Rating: B. I liked it. This show didn’t try to be anything that it wasn’t and completely embraced the insanity. It was one idea likely created by Brian Kendrick and his friends under the influence of various substances and as a result it was rather fun in a lot of ways. This wasn’t about wrestling but rather having a lot of fun with wrestling going on. It’s nothing I would want to see full time or anywhere close to it, but for a one off, there is some great stuff in here. Not all of the jokes work, but or a weird trip inside the mind of wrestling fans, this was a great time.

 

 

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FTF X
Date: October 4, 2019
Location: Oakland Metro Operahouse, Oakland, California
Commentator: Joe Brody

This is from Hoodslam, and to give you an idea of what is going on here, one of the company’s mottos is “don’t bring your f****** kids”. In this case, the FTF stands for F*** THE FANS and this card features Drugz Bunny and the Stoner Brothers (Rick and Scott). I have no idea what I’m getting myself into here so let’s get to it.

Note that I have never seen anything from this promotion before so I have no idea on storylines or characters.

A masked man in black and white tells us about an upcoming show in Sacramento.

The opening video talks about reality and features people smoking, uh, something illegal in various states, and lifting weights. This however, I believe meaning the show, is real.

The house band wants us to be censored excited. Music is played.

Here is our host, Broseph Joe Brody, who loves Axe body spray and Nickelback. You might remember him as AJ Kirsch from one of the last seasons of Tough Enough but he’s a bit better suited here. Middle fingers and F*** YOU BROs ensue as the fans either love the guy or want to kill him. He welcomes us to F*** THE FANS, which is what the fans start chanting. After running down the main event, he introduces the band (Squad Stewart), which has to be cut off from singing Rod Stewart. This is the accidental phenomenon, because this is HOODSLAM!

Broseph gives the fans some booze as the band plays some more, this time about how you shouldn’t bring your f****** kids.

Our first match is a drowning match so here is Otto Von Clutch as our special lifeguard.

Stoner Brothers vs. The Caution

That would be Rick Scott/Scott Rick (I said that right) Stoner (I think you get the idea) vs. Anton Vorhees/Dark Sheik. The Brothers come out to a song called Stonerized and are both smoking in and out of the ring. Since the referee is a lifeguard, we’ll start with a whistle instead of a bell. The Caution is knocked down to start and Vorhees is tossed into a powerbomb. They head outside to keep up the beating but it’s too early for the drowning (in one of the water filled buckets).

Anton gets some water in his mouth to spit in the Brothers’ eyes (Brody: “Do you know how badly water in the eyes burns? Shut up.”) and uses Scott as a launchpad for a hurricanrana to Rick. The drowning attempt is blocked but so is Rick’s double chokeslam attempt. Scott gets his brother’s head out of the water, allowing Rick to toss Sheik back into the ring but she sticks the landing and kicks Rick in the head.

Sheik gets powerbombed over the top into a German suplex as Brody insists on safety third. Back up and Sheik hits a top rope stomp onto Scott, setting up a Codebreaker to Rick. Multiple elbow drops keep the Brothers down but Scott is up with a double clothesline to the back of the head. Anton fights out of the water bucket and the Brothers hit each other by mistake.

Hold on though as he has an idea: a trip to the back lets him come back with a blue tunic and Link hat, which lets him breathe underwater (if you’re not a Zelda fan, ignore this). After the Zora splash, Anton has to save Sheik from being drowned, allowing her to hit a low blow. Scott is drowned for the win at 11:12.

Rating: C+. The stoner stuff isn’t for me, but the Zelda references had me cracking up more than once. If nothing else, this gives me an idea of what to expect from the show and I’m looking forward to it a lot more, so well done on the opener. The blue tunic was the icing on the cake and I had a great time with this, as ridiculous as it was.

Post match, Rick gives Scott the Heimlich to bring him back to life, with even Brody not being sure about that.

Brody gives the fans the code word in case the cops show up.

Best Athlete In The East Bay Title: Sweet Boone vs. Matt Carlos

Boone is defending (the golden fanny pack) and this is an I Quit match. Brody doesn’t seem to get Carlos, who waves his arms and head around a lot. On the other hand, he does get Boone dog Little BJ, who happens to be invisible. Boone is also the sheriff so he deputizes some fans. Carlos drives him into the ropes to start but gets hit in the face for his efforts.

Thankfully the referee remembers that grabbing the rope means nothing, with Brody talking about how there are no pinfalls or countouts, before realizing that they never have countouts around here. Boone pulls him down into a pretty bad looking ankle lock, which is countered into a headlock with some right hands to the face. A crucifix doesn’t get Boone anywhere so he switches to something like a reverse Koji Clutch. Boone switches to a half nelson, which is pretty easily reversed into a Crossface.

Boone says Booners Never Quit so he slips out and grabs the bad (I think we might have an intentional pattern here) ankle lock again. Back up and they go to the apron, with the fans shoving Boone back up from falling into the crowd. Boone switches places with him and dropkicks Carlos tot he floor, where there is no catch. A flip dive from the apron (complete with finger guns) drops Carlos again (Brody: “And f*** the fans, not of them can’t see.”). Carlos is back up with a DDT onto the apron and steps on Boone’s head for another NO.

Brody laughs at a fan for trying a CARLOS chant as Carlos goes to get something. This time it’s lighter fluid but Boone takes it away….and pours it on himself. Carlos is a bit freaked out but gets more annoyed when the referee gets knocked down. With Boone knocked down again, Carlos heads backstage and comes back with….a knife. They fight over said knife, but it eventually gets knocked to the floor.

The referee is FINALLY helped up and here is a former champion (Richard Schhhary. Get it?), whose arm is bandaged (after Little BJ bit him). Therefore, Schhhary steals Little BJ and puts him in a bag, which he then covers in lighter fluid. Brody: “YOU CAN’T! YOU WON’T! YOU WOULDN’T!” Boone begs him not to do it but since he can’t go through the ropes for the save, Carlos grabs a Crossface and Boone quits at 18:48 so he can save the dog.

Rating: C. This went WAY too long and it killed what momentum they had. You knew the dog was going to be involved in the finish in some way and they telegraphed the heck out of it. Granted on a show like this, teasing the invisible dog being lit on fire is something that fits perfectly. Boone and Carlos didn’t do much for me and the match needed to be shorter, but it could have been worse.

Schhhary steals the dog anyway and Carlos celebrates for a LONG time. Boone isn’t done though, and wants Schhhary in a beard vs. mustache match in two weeks.

Golden Gig Title: El Chupacabra vs. Joey Nuggs

Chupacabra is defending (with the title represented by a golden razor blade necklace), I believe the top title in the promotion. The referee, named Wiggles, gets a special entrance as well. Nuggs is a rather large karate guy, who doesn’t look like he does much karate. Chupacabra has a long entrance but hold on as here is Da Squaaad (that’s how it’s spelled).

They want to make this a bit bigger, so let’s make it a Dog Collar match. After a long time spent setting up the collar, Chupacabra chops away to start but gets powered into the corner without much effort. A knee to the ribs cuts Chupacabra down and it’s already time to choke on the ropes. Chupacabra slugs away but gets dropped with an elbow (or COMBO BREAKER according to Brody) as a fight breaks out in the crowd.

Nuggs takes him outside for a slam on the floor but Chupacabra is right back in to slug away. Some Cannonballs in the corner crush Nuggs and Chupacabra goes up, only to get pulled down by the collar. Chupacabra is able to send him back out to the apron but gets knocked down hard.

Nuggs goes up (with Brody telling the fans not to touch him) and misses a splash 9with the camera cutting away on the lack of impact for some reason. The referee starts the count, with Brody telling fans to shout random number to confuse him. Chupacabra is back up with Sliced Bread for two so he chokes Nuggs with the collar for the pin at 12:12.

Rating: C-. Much like the previous match, this one went on too long and it overstayed its welcome. The collar stuff was used, but they could have had a similar match without the gimmick in place. I’m not sure if this feels like a top level title match, but then again I don’t think this is your normal promotion. Neither guy looked particularly impressive though, and that hurt things a good bit.

Post match Nuggs, with his throat all messed up, yells at Brody and the fans for daring to try to talk to him after he got choked out. A lot of swearing ensues, with even Brody thinking it’s a bit much.

The referee comes out for the next match and apparently has to dance whenever Brody sings James Brown.

Intergalactic Tag Team Titles: Drugz Bunny/Cereal Man vs. Da Squaaad

Bunny/Man are defending (the titles have skulls in the middle) and the Squaaad is Hip Hop Harry/D-Rogue/Kenny K/Shakira Spears. Cereal is about five cereal mascots mixed together, and comes out to a song about holding out for a hero with several cereal properties. Bunny on the other hand is The Rabbit With A Habit and pours out some white powder before the match.

Hold on though, as the Squaaad says that since this is their show (I guess?), we’re doing this 4-2. The champs start fast and hit Harry with a double flapjack, followed by a DDT from Cereal. A legdrop hits Harry so the rest of the Squaaad comes in for the save. Brody: “All these f****** gimmicks.” Kenny comes in with a backbreaker to Bunny and it’s D-Rogue coming in to run him over again. Harry adds a springboard back elbow and Shakira comes in for some stomping.

A backdrop finally gets Bunny out of trouble and the hot tag brings in Cereal to clean house. Cereal hits a sidewalk slam on Harry and bulldogs Kenny onto him as everything breaks down. Bunny bicycle kicks Kenny down and Cereal Stuns Harry for…..not the pin as the Squaaad says not so fast. See, D-Rogue forgot: it’s elimination rules (for Da Squaaad, not for the champs). Kenny stands on Cereal’s back and then drops down on him with a splash for two. A running knee in the corner sets up a Cannonball for two more on Cereal as frustration is setting in.

Cereal gets up a boot in the corner though and it’s a butterfly suplex to give him a breather. The double tag brings in Bunny and Spears, the latter of whom gets kicked down. D-Rogue comes in for the save and slams Bunny, setting up a moonsault from Kenny (which lands on Bunny’s head) for two, with Cereal making the save. A Hart Attack gets rid of Spears though and we’re down to 2-2. We get the big staredown and Bunny gives Kenny an RKO. Cereal is taken down though and the Big Rig hits Bunny for the pin and the titles at 14:05.

Rating: B-. This is the same idea you have seen time after time and that is not a bad idea. It has been done for years because it is something that works so well. This is a case of screwing the fans over and it worked well, because it is a classic concept. Fans are not going to like cheaters and that is what happened here, especially after they lost in the first place. Good stuff here, even with the joke from the champs losing its spark pretty fast.

Oh and one more thing: Hip Hop Harry only has one leg. Not too shabby.

Post match Brody is a big scared of the Squaaad but does give a bit of serious analysis to what we just saw.

With Da Squaaad gone, Brody thanks the ban and gets a big barrel and beach ball for some beer pong with the fans. Some fans shoot from the crowd and get a beer if they hit. Nice way to fill in some time as the band plays. Brody has some beer of his own and suggests that he’ll have more later.

Since the main event is big, he brings out Wonder Dave as his guest commentator.

Rumble Of Rankings Ramifications

This is a Royal Rumble with 30(ish, Brody’s term) entities involved and the winner getting a Golden Gig shot next month. Glorious Banana a man in a banana suit who comes out to Robert Roode’s old theme, is in at #1 and Funnybone, a guy in skeleton paint, is in at #2 and we have 90 second intervals. They forearm it out and trade shoulders with Funnybone getting the better of things. Otto Von Clutch is in at #3 and gets in a staredown with Funnybone. That’s fine with Funnybone, who knocks him down but Banana is back up for some double teaming in the corner.

Batmanuel (I think you get the idea) is in at #4 and gets in a staredown with Von Clutch, whose offer of an alliance isn’t accepted. A running shoulder in the corner has Von Clutch in trouble and it’s Marcelo Montoya in at #5 (with the fans providing the buzzer sounds) for a springboard knee to Batmanuel. The fans chant SAFETY THIRD as everyone brawls until D-Rogue is in at #6.

Batmanuel was put out somewhere in there and Joey Smoak is in at #7. Brody: “I just heard a fan say don’t bruise the banana. That joke was a lot of things but one thing it wasn’t was appealing.” Smoak is sent to the apron but not out and it’s James C (thankfully not a Jim Cornette parody) in at #8. The smoking James comes in and offers fans his cigarette until it’s Johnny Drinko Butabi is in at #9 as the ring is getting way too full.

Smoak is on the floor, though it isn’t clear if he is out, even as Funnybone chops at a bunch of people. Batmanuel is back in and it’s Juice Lee at in #10 as Banana is out. Von Clutch is out as well as the ring is a bit less full. Brittany Wonder (no word on if she is any relation to Wonder Dave, or Wonder Boy, the latter of whom has nothing to do with wrestling) is in at #11 and gets to clean house, including a spinning DDT to James C.

Big B is in at #12 and Batmanuel is kicked out for an elimination. The fans are VERY happy with that, though not so enthusiastic when they find out Montoya was eliminated off camera. Neil “The Thrill” Harper is in at #13 and everything settles back down. Otis The Gimp is in at #14 as this match is starting to die a bit. After another batch of nothing, Christopher Torres is in at #15.

HBKen (and yes he has his own version of Shawn Michaels’ theme) is in at #16 and yes, he is based on the Ken from Street Fighter. Commentary thinks someone might have been eliminated but isn’t sure who so we’ll move on to Brutal Bob Hands in at #17. Hands, who is rather small, hits a chokeslam and then tosses Torres. Brittany is left laying on the mat and it’s Master Eriks (a ringmaster) in at #18.

Harper is tossed as there must have been some eliminations off camera as the ring is nowhere near full enough. Hands and James are tossed and it’s Matt Carlos in at #19. Funnybone is still in and hits a bid give onto a bunch of people. Then he does it again for a bonus but makes sure to go through the ropes. Then he grabs Banana, who is still at ringside with a bunch of other people, as Lee is knocked off the top and into a moonsault onto the pile on the floor. That’s not an elimination as he went through the ropes, even as it’s Hip Hop Harry in at #20.

Eriks is out and it’s Kenny K in at #21 to keep Da Squaaad strong. Bison Braddock is in at #22 and commentary makes a correction by saying that Lee WAS eliminated earlier. Brody says Braddock is #21 and I can’t imagine it matters that much. Shakira Spears is in at #23 to complete Da Squaaad as you can tell the people in the ring are getting a bit tired. Richard Schhhary is in at #24 and starts in with some paper cuts to be a real….never mind.

Drugs Bunny is in at #25 and maybe he can get things hopping. Big B is out and commentary ignores it as Bart-Man is in at #26. Simpsons jokes about as Bart-Man chokes Carlos and it’s Sweet Boone in at #27. He goes straight after Schhhary and gets rid of him, only to give chance and eliminate himself. Steven Tresario is in at #28 and Otis likes Shakira chopping him. Things slow down again….and it’s Team Rocket (Jesse and James, complete with Pokemon speech and costumes) in at #29/30.

As the Pokemon jokes abound, Thicc Martel, the Plus Sized Model (I laughed) is in at #31 to complete the field (I think?). Tersario is out and it’s….Broseph Joe Brody in at #32. He jumps over the top rope and is thrown out by James, sending him into a great rant. Team Rocket tossed out Martel and there’s a 3D to Carlos. Spears eliminates Drinko but and there goes Carlos with him.

There goes Bart-Man but Spears spears Team Rocket down. Bunny tosses Spears though and we’re down to Bunny, Jesse, James and Funnybone. A low blow isn’t enough to get rid of Bunny as he skins the cat back in, only to have James stomp him in the face. James actually tosses Bunny but it’s Funnybone up with a double noggin knocker. A double clothesline finally gets rid of Funnybone though and Team Rocket shares the win at 53:03.

Rating: D. I love a good Royal Rumble but that was not the case here. This went on WAY too long and the lack of acknowledging a bunch of the eliminations didn’t help. There were a few jokes that worked (Thicc Martel was hilarious) and Brody’s rant after being eliminated was great, but this went far too long and the jokes weren’t frequent enough to keep my interest. Cut the intervals down to a minute (at most) and it’s better, but for a show that is supposed to be a lot of fun, I was badly tuning out by the end out of pure boredom.

Brody thanks us for coming out and hits the catchphrase one more time to end the show.

Overall Rating: C-. This is a weird one, as the concept is a lot of fun and there were some genuine laugh/cheer out loud moments on this show. The Zelda stuff and Thicc Martel were good gags and the Steinerized parody was downright inspired. It is a feeling that works really well, though then you get to the problem: this show is three hours and twenty minutes long.

Now I can get that this would be very different as it’s a party atmosphere (and the booze/various substances probably helped) and way more fun in person, but my goodness this show needed to be about 30 (or more) minutes shorter. That main event was pretty close to horrible and I was begging for the thing to end. At some point the thing needs to wrap up and this show didn’t seem to get that at times. There is a lot of fun to be had, but this needed to be about two and a half hours max, not pushing three and a half.

One more thing: if this is something that you might want to check out (and it is REALLY fun at times), note that it is absolutely an adult show with a lot of language and crude jokes. It’s definitely something you need to be in the right company for, as hearing/seeing some of this out of context/by someone you might not want seeing it could be quite the problem.

 

 

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