Russell Crowe Wrestling: RussellMania 3
Date: March 30, 2023
Location: Burbank Moose Lodge, Burbank, California
Commentators: Erik Barnes, Rivers Langley

So this is Wrestling Pro Wrestling, a comedy promotion run by Brian Kendrick. The event was held over Wrestlemania weekend and then released on Youtube, though I have a grand total of no idea what to expect here. With wrestlers named Poptart Boy and Leather Daddy, I’m almost scared to know what I’m getting myself into. Let’s get to it.

Opening video, which features a bunch of stills and has quite the early 80s feeling.

Erik Barnes welcomes us to the show and makes it clear that Russell Crowe will NOT be wrestling and describes this as a wacky wrestling promotion. The Midcard Title (which sounds like the official name) and the Wrestle Turkey Title will be on the line tonight, but first, here is Cereal Man (a superhero with a box of cereal for a mask). He can’t find promoter Gary Tickles, who has left a note: “see you next show suckers, no refunds.”

There is an idea though, so here is Darwin Finch, apparently a scientist, who has invented a cloning machine. His goons have stolen some celebrity DNA, so here are clones of Tom Cruise, Gary Busey and Sean (normally spelled Shaun) White. Cereal Man says these clones suck, but apparently they are clones of celebrity impersonators on the Hollywood Walk of Fame (ah, the common problem). We’ll try one more so here is Chuck Norris….as portrayed by Jimmy Wang Yang. That’s enough for Cereal Man, who throws everyone out. Cereal Man: “You guys want to see a chicken wrestle a bear?”

Chick-A-Dee vs. Evgheni

Dee is a woman in a chicken costume (Commentary: “This pollo is loco!” Should be loca but whatever.) and Evgheni is a Russian bear. The Bear hibernates to start so Chick pokes him, only for the Bear to go back to sleep. Back up and a bear claw shove gets two on Chick but the referee faints after a well places growl. The Bear bites Chick’s face and then….decides to go to the bar, meaning it’s a countout at 4:09.

Rating: C. Yeah we’re going to be in for a weird show here and it should be a lot of fun as a result. I’m not sure I got the joke here but at least they are living up to the kind of show that they want to be. Also, thankfully they kept this short instead of driving the joke into the ground like so many would.

Anthony Andrews vs. Koto Hiro

Andrews is a cowboy and one half of the NWA US Tag Team Champions. Hiro on the other hand is your stereotypical Japanese masked man. They go for the grappling to start with the much smaller Hiro not being able to get very far. Hiro kicking him in the head works better though and a rolling cutter gets two.

Andrews knocks him outside and hammers away on the floor. Back in and Hiro snapmares him down into a jumping knee to the face but Andrews plants him with a Rock Bottom. A middle rope Codebreaker gets two but Hiro is back with a springboard spinning Codebreaker. That sets up a missed frog splash though and Andrews grabs a pumphandle powerslam for the pin at 8:50.

Rating: C+. Actually not too bad here, which mainly focused on a power vs. speed match. Andrews isn’t a hue guy but he’s big enough to outmatch someone like Hiro. Other than that, Hiro kept things moving enough and sold the big power stuff well enough. Not a great match, but it was close enough to being serious to make it work.

Respect is shown post match.

Fourmage Horsemen vs. Stoner Brothers/El Chupacabra/Anton Voorhees

Oh boy. This is WPW vs. Hoodslam, because that’s a good idea. So the Horsemen are Gorgonzole Anderson/Parm Anderson/Ricotta Flair/Tully Blancheddar, while the Stoners are Rick Scott and Scott Rick (not typos), complete with a STONERIZED theme. And yes, the Horsemen all have heads made of cheese. Before the match, Flair makes fun of the other four, including saying the Stoners are more like the Groaner Mothers. Anton and Tully start things off, with Tully going rather basic (“This is an aged cheddar after all.”) but Anton comes back with an enziguri.

Tully gets quadruple teamed in the corner so it’s off to Parm vs. Chupacabra, with the former being knocked into the corner. Rick Scott adds a superkick but Gorgonzole comes in for a wristlock. A series of shots in the corner put Gorgonzole down but he gets over to Flair for the rapid fire chops. Not that they matter as Flair is knocked down and picked up/dropped back by all four for a quadruple pin at 5:05.

Rating: C. Yeah I laughed and that’s the point of something like this. It’s a big choke with cheese puns and I don’t think they were trying to do anything else. Let them get in there, do their jokes and get out before it goes too long. If nothing else, points for being able to come up with a gag for the entire Horsemen, including that aged cheddar line.

A clone of David Copperfield (magician, not Dickens) and here is brings a fan into the ring for a card trick. Before he can complete it though, the Great Branzino, with his Goblins (Dingleberry and Grundell) interrupts. Branzino is about three and a half feet tall and says we’re not here for magic or over the top characters. No one wants to see that fool Luigi Primo! Cue Primo (the guy who can spin a pizza while doing really basic moves), with Branzino saying it’s an amazing coincidence that Primo is here. Since he is here though, the Goblins should get him!

Luigi Primo vs. Goblins/Great Branzino

They fight over wrist control, with Primo using the pizza to mistake. Primo hits them with the pizza, so Branzino tells the Goblins to form the TROLL TRON. As Grundell gets on Dingleberry’s shoulders, Copperfield gives Primo a second pizza, which he combines with the first to scare the Goblins away. Branzino hits Primo low for the DQ at 2:31.

Post match Branzino pulls out some pepperoni pizza flavored Combos but Primo chokeslams him onto them instead….for a pin, despite the bell ringing off the low blow. These pizza and magic themed characters should be better with their continuity.

Kid Isaac/Sam Squatch vs. Devastator 2/Devastatress

Devastator is billed from Hot Topic. Devastatress is a mystery partner, who is better known as Jazzy Yang (Jimmy Wang Yang’s daughter). Squatch is in a rather large Bigfoot costume and seems rather interested in the Combos. Isaac hands his sunglasses to Squatch to start and they are promptly destroyed. Devastator tries a test of strength and gets a tickle from Isaac and it works so well that they do it again. Isaac offers to let Devastator tickle him but gets kicked in the ribs instead.

Back up and Isaac runs the corner, walks the rope, and jumps back down for some more tickling. Squatch comes in to run Devastator over and a double shoulder gives Isaac two. Devastatress gets in a cheap shot from behind as commentary continues to call every move either the Devastator or the Devastat-Her. The chinlock goes on for a bit before Devastatress goes after the knee.

Isaac enziguris his way to freedom and hands it back to Squatch to slow things down. A Rocket Launcher hits Devastator for two but Devastatress isn’t tickleish. Instead Isaac forearms her in the face to little avail, as she drops him fast. A low blow to Squatch sets up a chokeslam, followed by a 3D to finish Isaac at 11:08.

Rating: C-. Once you got past the joke of every move being called the Devastator/Devastate-Her, there wasn’t much to see here. Isaac wasn’t overly funny and a guy in a Bigfoot costume is only going to get you so far. I wasn’t feeling this one, but when your entire show is a bunch of jokes, some things aren’t going to land.

And now we have the “Sexy Chino Hollywood Adjacent Dance Party”. We have Sexy Chino, the Clone of John Travolta, Emo Tep (the emo mummy), Boogaloo Brown, Haystacks (a large stack of hay wearing overalls), and David Boomerang (a giant mouse). They all dance until Boomerang….starts stabbing people. Boomerang is awarded the win “by way of stabbing” and apparently this is a pattern for him.

Tag Team Titles: Darwin Finch/Fidel Bravo vs. Fabio/LJ Cleary

Finch and Bravo (with El Cucho El Sicario) are defending. Finch and Fabio start things off as commentary stops to argue with Cleary over not being able to tell the challengers apart. Fabio hits a dropkick to start so it’s off to Cleary, who gets caught with a springboard armdrag. Bravo comes in and yells at Finch, allowing the challengers to take over and dance a bit.

The double teaming has Bravo in trouble and Fabio snaps off a suplex for two. Finch gets in a slap from the apron though and Bravo scores with a DDT. Everything breaks down and Finch and Bravo take over, with Bravo actually hugging him. Then Sicario hits Finch low, allowing Bravo to hit Finch with a Falcon Arrow so Cleary can get the pin and the titles at 7:12.

Rating: C. This wasn’t so much a joke as much as something with an actual storyline, which worked well enough. What mattered was getting the title change out there to make the show feel important and not doing a bunch of jokes for once. It makes something like this feel like it mattered, though things were hardly serious, as you should kind of expect around here.

Post match Officer Robot Cop (exactly what it sounds like) comes out to say the new champs broke the law so the titles are officially stripped. Finch and Bravo are still champions.

Midcard Title: Battle Royal

King Dezi, Jumping Jim Logan, Tarzan Duran, Man Like DeReiss, Hobo, Mike D., Charles Ray

Yes it’s called the Midcard Title and this is billed as a “several person battle royal”. Tarzan is Tarzan, Dezi is an actual king, DeReiss raps himself to the ring, Mike is rather muscular and Ray (a Ray Charles knockoff, complete with blindness and a yellow suit) is defending. Logan yells at everyone else to start and says he is NOT jumping, despite that being his name. He finally jumps once and a bunch of people knock him silly, allowing Ray to get the pin for the elimination.

Ray sings as everyone else fights to the floor (this is feeling a lot more like an elimination match than the battle royal they advertised) before heading outside to sing about how everyone in the ring is fighting and shooting. Mike bearhugs Hobo before Tarzan comes in to work on Hobo’s arm. Hobo hits a running corner clothesline but gets taken down by a flipping neckbreaker.

The singing is still going on as DeReiss stomps on Dezi in the corner. Hobo and DeReiss trade standing switches as Tarzan listens to Ray singing. After Hobo misses a kick, DeReiss…..sprays him with air freshener for the pin. With that odd choice out of the way (Ray, still singing: “Positive sounds, that’s what I heard, hope it was good.”), Tarzan comes back in and kicks Mike outside. A springboard flip dive takes Mike down and a Code Red gets two back inside.

Mike pops back up with a powerbomb and a helicopter bomb finishes Tarzan. Ray, with his trombone, comes in and hits some people by mistake, allowing Dezi to pin Mike. We’re down to Ray, Dezi and DeReiss and the singing continues, with commentary talking about how long this song has been doing. Ray is now singing about how he has a goat and 58 farms so DeReiss goes after him, only to get sceptered down by Dezi for the pin. Ray thinks the scepter is the microphone and accidentally knocks Dezi out before covering him to retain at 14:45.

Rating: B-. Ray sang that song for over fifteen minutes and while it was just bizarre freestyling by the end, it went on for so long that it was hilarious. This whole thing was a bunch of people getting in a little bit of time while Charles did his thing and it worked far better than it should have. This was one of the better jokes on the show and that is covering a lot of ground.

Sneaky Snakes vs. Leather Daddy/Rubber Baby

The Snakes would be the Sassy Assassin/Sneaky Pete and are in striped shirts and masks, making them look like very stereotypical prisoners/bank robbers. They also have Sacre Blue with them, while Daddy and Baby have very large rubber fast masks. The Snakes jump them from behind to start as Blue seems to be fighting in this as well. Baby gets double teamed to start but Daddy makes the save with a double noggin knocker. Back up and Pete knocks the Baby’s head off, revealing a red mask.

Baby gets to clean house but super fan Courtney Glove comes in to try and calm him down….which earns her a trip to the floor. Assassin hugs Baby but gives him an atomic drop, resulting in a diaper issue (just go with it). Baby chases the villains around with a diaper and rubs it in Blue’s face…which apparently allows Blue to talk without a lisp. Blue: “I CAN FINALLY BE A VOICE ACTOR!” He’s so happy that he falls down and Baby falls down on him for the pin at 5:04.

Rating: D+. So that happened. I’m not sure I get the joke here but the Snakes were at least unique in a good way…I think. This feels like something where I might need to know these people a bit more to care and this wasn’t exactly the most brilliant comedy. Much more of a skit than a match here and not in a good way.

Post match another shot to the face brings the lisp right back.

Eli Everfly vs. Gregory Shmegory Sharpe vs. Mizuki Watase

Sharpe is a high flier (as in a pilot) and Watase is from DDT Pro in Japan. Actually hang on as we have a fourth entrant.

Eli Everfly vs. Gregory Shmegory Sharpe vs. Mizuki Watase vs. Watts

Watts, a rather skinny guy, is described as a powerhouse. Watase and Watts form an early alliance which is broken up in all of three seconds. With the other three on the floor, Watase hits a big dive and strips down to his gear. Back in and Watase hits a basement dropkick on Sharpe, who is right back with a Rock Bottom. Everfly comes back in with a springboard wristdrag but Watts is back in to fall away slam all three of them. A double chokeslam puts Sharpe and Watase down but Everfly gets the sleeper.

That’s enough to bring Watts down to his knees and a triple kick to the head puts him down. Watase takes Everfly down but Sharpe knees him in the face to leave all four down. A chokebomb gets two on Sharpe with Everfly making the save. Everfly hits a heck of a tornado DDT to send Watts outside, where a top rope hurricanrana takes him down instead. Back in and Watase brainbusters Sharpe for two, followed by a scoop piledriver (starts as a slam, ends as a Tombstone) for the pin on Sharpe at 7:54.

Rating: C+. Other than the pilot thing for Sharpe, this was a pretty straight match without anything very unique or even comedy stuff. That being said, it was rather nice to have a different kind of match after doing so much of the same kind of material (even in different forms) all night long. Not a great match or anything, but a nice pallet cleanser, which you need at times.

Wrestling Pro Wrestling Wrestle Turkeys Title: Poptart Boy vs. Dark Sheik

Poptart Boy (he’s a walking Poptart and teams with Cereal Man as the Breakfast Of Champions) is defending (the title is huge and looks to be homemade) while Sheik is a mermaid (so she has to hop to the ring). A lockup puts Poptart Boy against the ropes and Sheik (still hopping, because she has a single fin instead of legs) flips him off.

Poptart Boy shoulders her down and hammers away in the corner. Sheik hammers away (Commentary: “Shot to the frosting.”) and it’s a Fish One Nine before Sheik starts eating his filling (exactly what it sounds like). Poptart Boy is fine enough to hit a chokeslam and a falling splash (frosting side down) retains the title at 4:19.

Rating: C. I’m sitting here trying to think of what to say about this and….yeah what am I supposed to say? It’s a humanoid Poptart fighting a woman whose legs are tied together to make her a mermaid while commentary uses lines from Under The Sea. This was every idea you could think of from the outer reaches of an intoxicated mind and yeah, it was kind of great.

Russel Crowe Pro Rumble

Cinderella Man, Robin Hood, 3:10 To Yuma, Gladiator, Master And Commander, Master And Commander 2, Another Gladiator, Another Gladiator, Black Gladiator, Beautiful Mind, King Ghiraffedorah

Darwin Finch is on commentary and each one is a character from a Russell Crowe movie (plus some repeats because, as commentary put it, they were running out of ideas). The bell rings and hang on as here is Ghiraffedorah (a three headed giraffe, due to reasons of just go with it) to get in the ring. Everyone backs away from him but it’s a bunch of headbutts and chokes (with the arms being other giraffe heads). Then he spits something out and it’s…..the ace of clubs, the card from the fan with the card trick about an hour and a half ago! The fan comes in and gets attacked as well so we’ll throw it out at 2:33.

Finch: “I really hope I won’t be held responsible for this.” Ghiraffedorah attacks some fans to end the show.

Overall Rating: B. I liked it. This show didn’t try to be anything that it wasn’t and completely embraced the insanity. It was one idea likely created by Brian Kendrick and his friends under the influence of various substances and as a result it was rather fun in a lot of ways. This wasn’t about wrestling but rather having a lot of fun with wrestling going on. It’s nothing I would want to see full time or anywhere close to it, but for a one off, there is some great stuff in here. Not all of the jokes work, but or a weird trip inside the mind of wrestling fans, this was a great time.

 

 

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Joey Janela’s Spring Break 2
Date: April 6, 2018
Location: Pontchartrain Convention & Civic Center, Kenner, Louisiana
Attendance: 1,500
Commentators: Denver Colorado, Emil J

I’ve done parts of this series before so I figured I might as well knock off the rest of them. This show features a match that I’ve always wanted to see as it started one of the strangest comeback stories in wrestling history. Other than that, we’re in for a total mess and that is absolutely by design. Let’s get to it.

The opening video is designed after what looks to be a 16 bit video game, with Joey Janela and Glacier going after Marty Jannetty on the streets….where Jannetty lights Dink on fire to clear the stage. The second stage features Janela and Jannetty shooting at a Barber Shop (which can shoot back). With the shop destroyed, Shawn Michaels pops out of a DeLorean and superkicks Jannetty. That was different.

James Ellsworth is in a toy store and talks about working in WWE before coming here in his return to the independent scene. Tonight he’s ready to fight Matt Riddle, who doesn’t think much of Ellsworth.

Nick Gage music video. Is this just a really long pre-show?

David Starr talks about what wrestling has done for him and tonight, he’s ready for Mike Quackenbush. This is a really long pre-show isn’t it?

Quackenbush is in, and says so to Starr’s face.

Video on the Great Sasuke vs. Joey Janela, the show’s main event.

There’s going to be a Clusterf*** Battle Royal.

We start the series of videos from the beginning again as I guess we’ve got some time to kill before the show starts.

After 24 minutes of the videos looping, we’re ready to go, meaning we get to hear the commentators getting ready for the show and going over the match order.

The opening video is modeled after the WWF Attitude Era intro.

We open with a video on Joey Janela, which is basically a recreation of The Wrestler.

Teddy Hart vs. KTB vs. Tony Deppen vs. Eli Everfly vs. Gringo Loco vs. DJZ

One fall to a finish and DJZ would go on to become Joqauin Wilde in WWE. It’s a brawl to start (duh) with Everfly being sent outside. Deppen clears the ring but gets anklescissored down by Loco. Everfly is back in to snap off a headscissors before he and Loco come to a standoff. Hold on though as DJZ is back with his air horn but gets cleared out again. Hart walks on KTB’s back before pulling him into a sunset flip for two.

A torture rack backbreaker sends Deppen outside and a Project Ciampa hits Everfly. With a helping hand from the referee, Hart moonsaults onto a bunch of people on the floor. KTB dives onto everyone (Hart doesn’t go down) and Everfly hits a dive of his own. Back in and a springboard tornado DDT plants KTB and a super hurricanrana gives Everfly two on Loco. KTB comes off the top to dive onto everyone but Hart, who DDTs KTB down.

A Lionsault misses for KTB and Loco hits a springboard cutter to bring him down again. DJZ is back up and sunset bombs Loco into a moonsault onto KTB before hitting them both with a rolling DDT. Everfly hurricanranas Hart to the floor and takes Deppen up top for a…..super flipping Jay Driller (commentary: “He can’t do that!”) and the pin at 11:06.

Rating: B-. I’m not big on scrambles like this one, but there is something to be said about doing this kind of acrobatics and flips all over the place. It was certainly a fun match and the right way to fire up the crowd to start the show. Everfly’s finisher was completely nutty, making it perfect for a show like this one. Very fun stuff here and believe it or not, the fans loved it.

James Ellsworth vs. Matt Riddle

Ellsworth’s intergender title isn’t on the line (and I’m assuming Riddle’s unidentified title isn’t either). Ellsworth chop blocks him from behind before the bell but Riddle snaps off a gutwrench suplex to drop him as well. Fans: “WHERE’S YOUR CHIN?” Riddle hits a running forearm in the corner and the backsplash makes it worse. Riddle’s running knee just misses….because Ellsworth doesn’t have a chin. A superkick gives Ellsworth one but another is countered into the Bromission to give Riddle the win at 3:38.

Rating: C. Well yeah, what were you expecting? This was always going to be total destruction and it shouldn’t have been anything else. Ellsworth was always a joke and that’s how he was treated here, with Riddle, the indy prodigy, running through him. The missed knee was funny and then Riddle finished him off, as he should have done. That’s oddly logical from a show like this but I’ll take it.

Ellsworth flips off the crowd on the way out in a nice touch.

The ring announcer is ready to introduce the next match and….Virgil interrupts? He calls someone out (the audio isn’t exactly clear), gets no one, and leaves.

PCO vs. Walter

PCO isn’t the monster just yet. Before the match, Walter offers a chance to walk out but PCO gives him a crotch chop and we’re ready to go. They circle each other to start and PCO takes him into the corner for some taps to the chest. Walter works on the arm and gets kicked away without much trouble. PCO knocks him outside and loads up the dive, only to get run over with a shoulder.

The chop off ensues until Walter grabs a slam and sits on his chest. Some choking on the ropes keeps PCO down but he chops his way out of trouble. A kick to the head and short DDT put Walter down and it’s time to head outside. PCO loads up the first table but takes too long and gets dropped down onto the apron. Walter blocks a powerbomb off the apron and sends PCO hard into the steps, but the big chop only hits post.

As he’s a bit off, PCO goes up top and moonsaults down onto Walter and the referee for the big triple knockdown. Granted there was almost no length to the dive so it’s a wonder that he hit the two of them as well as he did. Walter is up first and powerbombs PCO through the table before doing it again (sans table) inside.

The second referee comes in for the two count so PCO gets booted in the face. The chops just wake PCO up though and he opens his own shirt so Walter can chop him again. PCO wins a chop off and the fans are actually on their feet as Walter looks scared. A discus forearm puts Walter on the floor for a suicide dive and a running flip dive takes him down again.

Back in and a super hurricanrana gives PCO two but Walter flips him over with a release German suplex. PCO is right back with a Regal Roll into a split legged moonsault for two (and another standing ovation). Back up and PCO hits a top rope Swanton to finally put Walter away at 18:29.

Rating: B+. Oh yeah this was rather awesome as it was all about two big guys beating each other up and hitting each other really hard. Walter was already a big deal but this would be a nice boost to his career. At the same time, it kicked off one of the most improbably career resurgences as PCO would turn this into an incredible second act to his career. It’s easy to see why too, as this was just hard hitting pain for the sake of beating on each other, with those chops making my skin crawl.

Post match they trade another chop each and shake hands before Walter leaves.

GCW World Title: Penta El Zero M vs. Nick Gage

Gage is defending and swears a lot before the bell. We get a CERO MIEDO vs. MDK chant off until Gage knocks him outside. The dive is cut off with a chair to the head and Penta chairs him again for a bonus. Penta’s chop hits the post though (with commentary pointing out that it’s two matches in a row) but is fine enough to grab some doors. Gage hiptosses him through a door in the corner and grabs a Falcon Arrow for two.

The boot scrape is cut off though and Penta Death Valley Drivers him through another door. A piece of the door over the head rocks Gage again and Penta puts some pieces onto Gage onto a table. The backsplash off the barricade doesn’t put Gage through said table in a nasty crash. Back in and Penta bridges a door over some chairs and Pentagon Drivers him through the door for two. Penta sets up another similar structure but gets powerbombed off the ropes through it instead. The chokebreaker retains Gage’s title at 9:27.

Rating: D+. This felt like a match where the idea was “Gage vs. this guy” and they didn’t have any more thought put into it. Gage didn’t do much of anything here and then retained in the end after Penta had done so much. That didn’t make for an interesting or even fun match from the usual freak show standards, so this was kind of a wreck.

Respect is shown post match. Penta leaves and Gage yells at the fans, who don’t seem to like him. Then he high fives a bunch of fans on the way out so he’s quite an odd duck.

Mike Quackenbush vs. David Starr

Starr does his long introduction and commentary (featuring Walter for this match) will not shut up, saying no one cares what Starr has to say. They fight over arm control to start until Starr gets two off a Thesz press. Back up and they shake hands before Mike climbs the rope and armdrags him into a leglock which he rolls over for what appeared to be a Crossface attempt, sending Starr to the rope.

Mike stomps on the foot and sweeps the leg, setting up some double knees to the ribs. The abdominal stretch goes on and even Walter is impressed by the series of twists it took for Mike to get it on. With that broken up, Starr Death Valley Drivers him into the corner twice in a row, followed by a springboard clothesline to the floor. Starr doesn’t want the countout so he throws Mike back in and gets tossed off the top for his efforts.

A Swanton gives Mike two but his hurricanrana is countered into a powerbomb for two. Starr kicks him in the head for two, which has Walter wanting Mike to win because Starr is “acting like a d***.” A nice tornado DDT sends Starr outside but the big dive is cut off, with Starr driving him into the apron. Back in and Mike grabs a double arm crank but Starr slips out and blasts him with a clothesline for the pin at 11:37.

Rating: B-. This was the technical match of the night so far, with Starr being just enough of a villain to make it a little uneven. What mattered here was getting in something different on the show and they made it work. These two worked well together and you could hear Walter being impressed on commentary so there had to be something to this one.

Commentary: “Walter is it fair to say that the better man won?” Walter: “No.” Starr grabs the mic and puts Mike over before saying how glad he was for being on this show.

Clusterf*** Battle Royal

This is a Royal Rumble with pinfalls, submissions and over the top eliminations, though the entrance intervals are going to be shaky at best. We see some people in the back trying to check into the match, including MJF in a blonde wig disguise. Jimmy Lloyd is in at #1 and Session Moth Martina (she likes beer) is in at #2. Martina dances a lot and gets kissed for her efforts as Orange Cassidy (still just an indy guy and not a phenomenon yet) is in at #3.

Cassidy takes so long to come in that Wheeler Yuta (looking about 17 years old) comes in at #4 and Curt Stallion comes in at #5 for the grapple off. Yuta rolls him up for two and it’s Facade in at #6 to strike away at Stallion. Facade sends him outside and adds a rope walk moonsault onto everyone outside (as no one has been eliminated yet). Back in and a running kick to the head pins Stallion for our first elimination. Swoggle is in at #7 and snaps off some German suplexes.

With Swoggle cleaning house, Grado is in at #8 and he seems immune to German suplexes. Apparently Grado is quite intoxicated and Kikutaro is in at #9 and crotches himself while trying Old School. As some other wrestlers come back in….the Invisible Man is in at #10. House is cleaned and Kikutaro is tossed before Swoggle taps to a Fujiwara armbar. Joe Gacy is in at #11 and slugs it out with Yuta, including the handspring cutter. Bryan Idol is in at #12 and gets to clean some house before Chris Dickinson, in a mask, smoking a cigarette, and coming out to Real American, knocks out Facade.

Gacy is tossed and Yuta is Razor’s Edged out onto the pile (some are still in, some aren’t) at ringside. Dickinson hits Hulk Hogan’s finishing sequence to get rid of Grado and is left alone (I think). Dan Severn is in at #13 and they go with the grappling (after issues at yesterday’s Bloodsport). Alabama Doink (sure) is in at #14 and gets tossed by Severn, who is eliminated by Dickinson. Rickey Shane Page is in at #15 and beats up Dickinson….as well as the still in Lloyd.

With that not working, Marcus Crane comes in at #16 and gets beaten up by Dickinson. Aeroboy (a masked luchador with another masked man apparently named Crazy Boy….who looks like Excalibur) is in at #17 and starts cleaning house, with a Swanton into a double pin getting rid of Dickinson. Rory Gulak (or Drew, according to the rather drunk commentary team) is in at #18 and doesn’t like the idea of the match (with the sign to prove it). Nate Webb is in at #19 and walks through the crowd as Rory beats people up inside.

Everyone gets out of the ring as the fans sing Webb’s song. After taking over the camera, Webb gets inside and plants Gulak with something like a spinning Big Ending for the elimination. Ethan Page is in at #20 so Gulak kicks him in the head. That earns Webb a trip into the corner and it’s MJF (no wig) in at #21.

The masked men go after Page and MJF, with the villains tossing out the luchadors. With them gone, MJF Codebreakers Page into a rollup for the elimination. Martina (hey she’s still in this) comes back in and puts a condom on her face for a Mandible Claw on Page. She also wraps her legs around MJF’s hand for the female version of Joey Ryan’s penis suplex. Then Page rolls her up for the elimination. Cassidy finally gets in for the lazy strikes (the fans approve) and a double chokeslam pus the villains down.

That lets Cassidy go up….and fall off the top so MJF and Page can pin him at the same time. The Invisible Man beats both of them up until Lloyd gives him a piledriver…..which is illegal in Louisiana so Lloyd is eliminated. Page and MJF double team Webb for a double two count so they beat up referee Bryce Remsburg. That results in a beating from Remsburg, who gets sent outside.

Mikey Whipwreck is in at #22 (oh yeah this is a battle royal) and beats the villains up until MJF elbows him in the face. The Whippersnapper (Stunner) sends Page into a spinning faceplant from Webb for the pin and we’re down to….however many are still in this thing. MJF shoves Mikey off the ropes and hits a splash for the pin. A poke to the eye stuns Webb and MJF throws him out….but the Invisible Man rolls MJF up for the win at 39:38.

Rating: D. This right here? It was dumb. I get the idea of having a bunch of people involved and all that jazz but my goodness did this not hold my interest. I’m sure the live crowd (plus a lot of alcohol) really enjoyed it but it was a bunch of indy stars coming in, doing a little something and then moving on. It’s also one of those battle royals where it is virtually impossible to keep track of who is in there and who isn’t as people will stand outside for such long stretches. These things can be fun, but this didn’t have any big surprises or cool moments, leaving it as something that just kept going.

Joey Janela vs. Great Sasuke

Penelope Ford, in a Mardi Gras mask, is here with Janela. Sasuke comes to the ring with what looks like holy water to bless fans. A quick takedown doesn’t get either of them very far so they go to a grappling sequence with Janela twisting the fingers around. Sasuke nips up though and sits in the middle of the ring, which has Janela worried. Back up and Sasuke…apparently hypnotizes Janela and then spins his hand around, causing Janela to flip himself over.

Sasuke puts him in a chair at ringside and loads up a ladder, only to be whipped into it instead. Back up and Sasuke sends him flying off the top and onto the table for a nasty crash. Sasuke brings it back inside and puts Janela on the ladder for a missed Swanton, leaving Sasuke’s heck caught in said ladder. Janela grabs an inflatable alligator to crush Sasuke before loading up six chairs back to back.

With Janela going up top, Sasuke powerbombs him down onto the chairs in one of those STOP DOING THAT bumps. Sasuke hits him in the head with a door and then whips him through another in the corner. They slug it out on the apron and there’s a Death Valley Driver to plant Sasuke (Janela: “F*** YOU JIM CORNETTE!”). With Sasuke in a chair at ringside, Janela misses a top rope flip dive, only hitting the chair instead.

Janela is laid on a table and a big running flip dive drives him through it, which draws in Ford. A dance distracts Sasuke and Janela grabs a figure four. Sasuke gets to the rope, which rightly has commentary asking “IN THIS MATCH?” Janela misses a moonsault and gets laid over another table at ringside, allowing Sasuke to try and put a trashcan over himself and climb up.

This proves rather difficult (as you might have guessed) so he just throws it at Janela instead, setting up a Swanton onto Janela onto the table for the huge crash. Back in and Janela gets two (as Sasuke is mostly dead) but can’t believe the kickout. A Michinoku Driver onto the side of the ladder gives Janela two more, followed by a top rope double stomp onto a chair onto Sasuke for the pin at 25:16.

Rating: D+. To say this just kept going would be an understatement. It turned into little more than a hardcore brawl and that isn’t the most thrilling thing to see. Sasuke did a bunch of flips, but it didn’t exactly feel like a special match. Chop this in half and have some more wrestling and it’s much better, but it didn’t work for the most part, mainly due to the length and feeling like an indy street fight.

Post match Janela puts Sasuke over huge and thanks the fans, talking about how he can’t believe all this happened. Sasuke gets in a quick thank you of his own and they do a quick karaoke version of It’s My Life by Bon Jovi (sure) to end the show.

Overall Rating: C-. This is a show where it depends on your viewing location. Watching this live in person would have been a blast, though watching it back at home just doesn’t work so well. The Quackenbush vs. Starr and PCO vs. Walter matches are both good (the latter being very good) but the rest of the show is mostly skippable. These shows would get better, but it took some time to get the formula of “fun indy show” down. For now, it isn’t quite working yet, but it could have been a lot worse. Just kind of a not great show that went on too long.

 

 

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California Love
Date: March 30, 2023
Location: Ukranian Center, Los Angeles, California
Commentators: Jack Farmer, Slice Boogie

This is from Santino (not Marella) Brothers Wrestling, which I have at least heard of, making it worthy of a look this weekend. That could make for a variety of possibilities here, though I have no idea what to expect coming in. We could be in for almost anything here and hopefully that makes for a good show. Let’s get to it.

Note that I do not follow the promotion so I’m coming in blind. I apologize in advance for anything I miss involving backstory, character details etc.

The ring announcer welcomes us to the show and runs down the card.

Eli Everfly vs. Kidd Bandit

Everfly wears a fly mask to the ring and Bandit is the Techno Witch. This is teacher vs. student with Everfly (teacher) jumping Bandit to start. The big dive to the floor drops Bandit but a DDT plants Everfly back inside. Everfly is fine enough to kick Bandit in the face but charges into a kick to the head as well. Sliced Bread on the apron drops Bandit though and a jumping knee gets two.

An exchange of kicks rock each other inside until Bandit’s Angel Killer (something out of an electric chair) is countered into a tiger suplex for two. A double underhook destroyer (ouch) gives Everfly two more but Bandit gives him a spinning kick to the head. The Angel Killer (One Winged Angel) onto the knee finishes Everfly at 7:24, despite the referee stopping for some reason between two and three.

Rating: C. Pretty standard independent style match here and that’s all it needed to be. Having a bit of a story with the student vs. teacher thing worked well, but it was more about two people doing moves to each other until one of them won. Bandit is booked all over the weekend so there might be something there, though this was just an ok showcase.

Big Dick Hoss vs. Koto Hiro vs. El Primohenio vs. Alec Tomas vs. Richie Coy vs. Ray Rosas

For an Inner City Title shot. Hoss is a monster cowboy, Hiro looks like Ultimo Dragon if you deflated him to about 80% size, Tomas is proud of being Armenian, Coy is flamboyant and Rosas is a former champion (and a replacement for the injured Rob S*** (yes I said Rob S***)). It’s a brawl to start with Hoss planting Rosas and tossing Tomas for a bonus.

Hoss is sent to the floor though and Coy comes in with a high crossbody to Primohenio. La Mistica into a Fujiwara armbar has Primohenio in trouble but Rosas makes the save. Hiro sweeps Rosas’ leg out and a springboard spinning bulldog makes it worse. Tomas plants Hiro though and adds a tiger bomb for two. Primohenio comes back in with a top rope Sling Blade and a dropkick hits Tomas for a bonus.

Hoss has to pull the referee out (no DQ in a scramble) so Rosas goes after him for a change. Hoss cleans house until everyone goes after him one after another. Five stereo knees to the face has Hoss knocked silly before it’s time for the parade of suplexes and drops on the head. Tomas Blue Thunder Bombs Coy for two with Rosas making the save. Rosas moonsaults onto almost everyone else at ringside, followed by a spear to Primohenio. A top rope elbow connects to give Rosas the pin at 7:55.

Rating: C+. I’m not big on scramble matches but it is nice to see one where you could see people standing out a bit, with Rosas feeling like a star. Other than that, Hoss felt like a monster but he only had one rush of dominance. That left four people who didn’t really make an impression, but at least Rosas, who felt like the most complete star here, got to look good.

Raunchy Rico vs. Tyler Bateman

Rico has his manager Damien Arsenick in his corner. Before the match, Arsenick does an Andy Kaufman bit of introducing the fans to soap and deodorant. This goes well with the water that Arsenick keeps spraying on Rico so they have a gimmick! Rico says that he respects Bateman and goes into Spanish, seemingly saying he’ll win. Thankfully commentary gives us a quick backstory (Rico cost Bateman a title shot) to give us a reason for this to be taking place. A lot of places don’t do that so well done on the important touch.

We get the Big Match Intros and Arsenick DOES NOT want to be called the water boy. They go to the mat to start (commentary is surprised) and Rico needs a breather on the floor. Back in and Bateman knocks him to the apron for a strike off, with Arsenick offering a quick leg trip.

Bateman is fine enough to chop away in the corner but Rico hits a running shoulder to the ribs. A neckbreaker keeps Bateman down but we do pause for a quick water break. Bateman grabs a suplex for a breather and an elbow to the face puts Rico down again. This Is A Kill (Tombstone) gives Bateman the pin at 8:50.

Rating: C+. They beat each other up well enough, with the Water Boy stuff being a cute enough bonus. Bateman feels like a monster and the Tombstone was good enough to look like an appropriate finisher. Rico didn’t exactly show much, though he hit hard and had enough of a presence. Nice slightly more violent match here and it worked.

Bomb Squad vs. Lucas Riley/Dom Kubrick

The Squad is Cameron Gates/DKC, with Gates talking about how special it is for him to be back with his best friend. Riley and Kubrick come out to Dancing Queen so they’re already awesome. DKC goes with the grappling to Kubrick to start but Kubrick takes him into the corner for some chops. Gates comes in and misses a charge at Riley, who dropkicks him down without much trouble.

It’s back to DKC to take Riley down and crank on the arms, only to have Riley slip out fast. Kubrick comes in and is promptly double flapjacked and dropkicked as the Squad is way ahead on continuity here. Another tag brings Riley back in and some kicks start to work on DKC’s arms in an effort to slow down the chops. DKC gets flipped into a faceplant but Kubrick can’t decide to cover or tag. Instead Kubrick goes up and misses a moonsault Swanton (that looked cool, minus the crash).

Gates comes in to pick up the pace with a wacky double takedown, meaning it’s already time to go back to DKC. Everything breaks down and DKC gets monkey flipped into a sitout powebomb (that was sweet) for another near fall. Gates has to save DKC on top and it’s a powerbomb/top rope Rough Ryder combination for two on Riley. Kubrick and Riley fire off superkicks to Gates but DKC takes a big one himself, taking the bullet for Gates in a way. The Cutter 99 (assisted springboard cutter and I believe that’s the name) finishes DKC at 14:11.

Rating: B-. This was an interesting dynamic as Riley and Kubrick weren’t full time partners (though they did have a history) while the Squad was trying to get back on the same page after time apart. It was good action throughout and that assisted cutter was a good looking finisher. Nice match here with Riley and Kubrick having a chance to move up the ladder to a bigger stage at some point.

Post match Gates and DKC are upset but ok, only to have Big Dick Hoss (Gates’ former stablemate) come out for a distraction. Gates decks DKC from behind to end the team again.

Matt Vandergriff vs. Bad Dude Tito

Tito certainly has charisma as they roll around to start, with Vandergriff getting two off a rollup. The smaller (but still tall) Vandergriff snaps off a hurricanrana to send Tito outside, where the big dive connects as well. Back in and Vandergriff’s dive doesn’t quite work and bangs up his knee. Tito unloads with chops and a cannonball gets two, leaving Tito a bit frustrated.

Vandergriff is fine enough to start striking and flipping away, including knocking Tito down. A top rope dive is speared out of the air though and Vandergriff is down again. A hurricanrana and brainbuster get two on Tito but he’s back up with an enziguri. Vandergriff is sent outside for a dive, followed by a heck of a lariat back inside. The Low Down gives Tito the pin at 8:54.

Rating: C+. This was power vs. speed and both of them looked good throughout. Vandergriff is a nice flier and Tito is someone who can run you over with straight power. Power vs. speed is something that has worked forever in wrestling and it works here too, with a pair of guys who might get another look from someone slightly higher up after some more matches like this one.

We recap the Inner City Title match, with Delilah Doom defending in a triple threat. As well as I can tell, Doom won the title and two other women (Heather Monroe/Johnnie Robbie) want to take it from here. Simple yet effective enough.

Inner City Title: Delilah Doom vs. Johnnie Robbie vs. Heather Monroe

Doom is defending and Monroe earned her title shot before the Coronavirus pandemic so this is a long time in the making. Everyone tries a rollup to start and Robbie is sent outside fast. Monroe sends Doom throat first into the rope though and a neckbreaker gets two. Robbie is back in to send Monroe outside as we’re in the two in/one out formula. Monroe comes back in and gets dropped just as fast, leaving the other two to slug it out.

Everyone is back in now with Robbie hitting some double knees on Doom in the corner. Monroe gets back up and is taken down by Doom’s springboard Codebreaker to put everyone down again. They slug it out from their knees with Doom getting the better of things as they get back to their feet. A double Stunner drops both challengers and it’s a double 619 to send Monroe and Robbie outside.

Back to back suicide dives send them into the chairs, followed by a double missile dropkick back inside. Something close to a Widow’s Peak hits Monroe but Robbie is up with a neckbreaker for two on Doom. Monroe is back up and gets German suplexed back down to give Robbie two.

Doom goes up but gets caught in a Tower of Doom, with Monroe slamming Robbie onto Doom for a double two (which would have given Robbie the title as she was covering Doom without the shoulders being on the mat). Robbie knocks Monroe off the top so Doom takes her place, setting up a super victory roll to retain the title at 13:03.

Rating: B. This was a hard fought match with some rather strong action throughout. All three of them stood out and there were times where I wasn’t sure who was going to win. All three of them got to show off a bit here and I could go for seeing more of all three. Best match of the show so far and it was a rather nice surprise.

Post match Ray Rosas comes out to hold up the title….and then lay Doom out. The fans are NOT pleased but Rosas says it’s all their fault. He gives them everything he had and then when he took some time off to heal up, the fans moved on. Rosas puts on a seated full nelson (kind of like a Crossface) until security breaks it up.

Che Cabrera (Santino Brothers Champion) and Damien Arsenick are ready for Willie Mack.

Santino Brothers Title: Che Cabrera vs. Willie Mack

Mack is challenging and Cabrera has Damien Arsenick. Feeling out process to start with Mack moving around until Cabrera works on a wristlock. That’s reversed into a headlock, which is reversed into Cabrerea’s hammerlock. Back up and an armdrag sends Cabrera into the corner, followed by a middle rope armdrag to put him down again. They fight outside with Cabrera getting some water, earning himself some hard chops into the crowd.

Back in and Cabrera jumps over Mack to set up a heck of a running shoulder. An eye poke has Mack in more trouble but he sends Cabrera outside again. The suicide dive sends Mack flying into a chair though and we pause for more water spraying. Back in and Mack starts getting fired up and drops Cabrera with a spinwheel kick.

Mack’s spinning back elbow sets up the swinging slam and there’s the running reverse cannonball (which didn’t seem to make much contact). The Samoan drop into the standing moonsault but the Stunner is countered into a Death Valley Driver. Cabrera drapes him over the top for a swinging neckbreaker and the kickout means it’s time for the frustration.

A nasty slingshot DDT plants Mack for two more (with the referee’s hand hitting the mat as Mack’s shoulder was up at the very last second). Mack manages a high collar suplex and sends Cabrera outside for the running flip dive. Back in and Arsenick sprays water in Mack’s eyes, allowing Cabrera to snap off a super hurricanrana. A Jackhammer retains the title at 16:20.

Rating: B-. This was a hard hitting match with both of them working hard, though it went a bit longer than it needed to as they had gotten the point across. Arsenick interfering wasn’t exactly a hot finish, but I do like Cabrera having to do his own big moves after the cheating to retain. Cabrera didn’t exactly let the world on fire but for a tough champion, I’ve seen worse options.

Post match the beatdown is on with Raunchy Rico coming in for the beatdown. Matt Vandergriff and Tyler Bateman come in but get taken down as well. Arsenick yells about how no one can hang with Cabrera, including Slice Boogie on commentary. Boogie’s bad leg can’t help him but he grabs a chair and runs in to piledrive Arsenick. Boogie says he had to vacate the title because of his injury so on July 29, he’s coming for Cabrera.

Overall Rating: B-. It’s cool to see a promotion with so many of its own unique stars and only a handful who have been around in any prominent spot. Outside of Mack, there were only so many names who have been around elsewhere and that made things more fun. There wasn’t anything bad on the show and some of the matches were quite good, so well done on a showcase from a promotion that doesn’t get a lot of attention. The women’s triple threat was especially good and they even set up something for their next big show. Nice job all around here.

 

 

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Violence X Suffering: Lucid Dreams
Date: April 9, 2021
Location: Cuban Club, Ybor City, Florida
Commentators: Various

We’re back with another midnight show from GCW’s the Collective and that could mean a lot of things. I don’t know anything about this promotion or anything about this show, so as usual I’m coming in blind. That is kind of the point of a show like this, but hopefully they aren’t on until almost 3am again. Let’s get to it.

So the show is delayed due to the prior event running long and did not start until 1am.

Opening sequence.

Nick Gage says this is Violence X Suffering motherf*****.

The ring announcer screams and swears a lot. Oh yeah this is going to be a really long night. This goes on for a good bit as he keeps wanting us to be louder.

Here’s Rich Swann, whose entrance takes a good while because he gets in a lot of dancing. Then a fan calls him a fake Kofi, earning him a “F*** THIS GUY” from Swann. Apparently Tony Deppen isn’t here tonight so Swann is substituting, meaning it’s open challenge time.

Rich Swann vs. KTB

The much larger KTB grabs a waistlock to start but Swann slips out, only to be taken to the mat in an Oklahoma roll. That makes Swann look up at KTB as commentary keeps making music reference. Swann is back up with a dropkick into a hurricanrana for two but KTB is back with a chop in the corner. A running shoulder into a falling headbutt to the ribs gets two on Swann.

Some strikes to the face have KTB rocked but Swann dives into a spinebuster for two. We hit the chinlock but Swann fights up and nails a quick dropkick. The middle rope 450 gets two on KTB but Swann has to pull himself up. KTB catches him off the top for two more so Swann busts out the Lethal Injection for two. The frog splash gets the same so KTB gets up and drops him again, setting up a Lionsault for two of his own. Swann has had it with this and enziguris him down, setting up the middle rope Phoenix splash for the pin at 11:30.

Rating: C+. This was about as they could have done under the circumstances. It wouldn’t surprise me if the promotion found out that Deppen couldn’t be there and they just found whomever they could to fill in. Swann is a talented enough name with enough star power to make something like this work so they did everything they could and the match wound up working.

Respect is shown post match and we pause to sanitize the ropes.

Someone named Masa Slamavich is at ringside and doesn’t seem to be on the schedule.

AJ Gray vs. Daniel Garcia

Pure Rules, meaning three rope breaks, only one closed fist to the face and a much more technical focus. Both of them have seconds as well. They go with the grappling to start with the bigger Gray taking him down without much trouble. Back up and Gray’s shoulder doesn’t do much good so Garcia takes him down into a leglock. Gray reverses that into some kind of a weird Figure Four variation to put Garcia in trouble.

Garcia uses a rope break so Gray is right back with a very big backsplash to crush him again. They get up again and Garcia goes for the leg again, meaning Gray needs his own rope this time around. Garcia slaps on a front facelock and switches into a bodyscissors, meaning Gray needs another rope break. The chinlock goes on but Gray isn’t having this and powers up for a heck of a Death Valley Driver to drop Garcia.

A pair of powerbombs plants Garcia twice in a row but somehow he is back up with a Shining Wizard. Garcia grabs a Crossface and Gray’s escape means he is out of rope breaks. Back up and Gray smashes him with a lariat so Robert Martyr, Garcia’s second, puts Garcia’s hand on the rope. With that broken up, Gray grabs an STF and Garcia is in trouble. Martyr gets creative by pulling the rope back so it smacks Gray in the face (not a DQ because reasons) to stun him fairly well. The Sharpshooter, with Garcia leaning all the way back and pulling on the leg, makes Gray tap at 13:09.

Rating: C. This was a much more technical match and it was only so interesting in the first place. I’ve seen a few Garcia matches this weekend and they aren’t the most thrilling things. He is rather skilled with the technical stuff but he isn’t exactly interesting. It’s another case of someone just kind of being there and that doesn’t keep much attention. Gray is a hard hitter who can grapple and has some good charisma, which is a nice combination.

Post match Garcia doesn’t let go so Gray’s second comes in, earning a Sharpshooter of his own as Garcia isn’t seeming that nice. Martyr yells at Garcia, earning himself a piledriver and a Sharpshooter of his own. Masa Slamavich comes in and tells Garcia to hit her so Garcia tries, only to have to bail from a quick piledriver attempt.

KC Navarro/Marcus Mathers/Andy Brown/Ninja Mack/MV Young vs. TJ Crawford/Gabriel Sky/Ken Broadway/Myron Reed/Dante Leon

Elimination rules. It’s a big brawl to start with Ninja Mack hitting a big corkscrew dive off the top and back to back big flip dives off the middle/top ropes. Leon is back up with a reverse Spanish Fly off the middle rope to plant Mack. Sky and Navarro fight off to the side as no one is in the ring. They start throwing stuff at each other and you can barely see what is going on. Sky climbs onto a wall and flip dives onto everyone.

People keep walking around in the dark and hey we bother going back to the ring where Young powerbombs Sky into a half crab. That’s broken up and Sky hits a running knee to the side of the head. Young spears him out of the air for two as you can hear a fan explaining who the wrestlers are. Sky hits a top rope double stomp to get rid of Young at 7:47. Brown comes in and gets caught with an enziguri but someone crotches Sky on top. An AA into a Backstabber gets rid of Sky at 8:52.

A package piledriver gets rid of Leon at 9:45 so here’s Broadway to strike away at Brown. Broadway muscles him up with a German suplex and a bridging German suplex finishes Brown at 10:39. Navarro comes in and small packages Broadway for the pin at 11:04. Crawford grabs a sitout powerbomb on Navarro and a distraction sets up a brainbuster to pin Navarro at 12:34.

Mathers and Mack come in to kick away at Crawford with Mathers being sent outside in a hurry. Crawford hits a running kick in the corner and backdrops Mack out to the floor. Back in and Mack kicks him in the head but the middle rope Phoenix splash hits raised knees to give Crawford the pin at 15:23. I believe we’re down to Mathers vs. Crawford/Reed so Crawford hits a double underhook faceplant (think a double underhook Dominator) to drop Matters.

They fight to the apron with Mathers hitting a piledriver and Crawford is right back up in about ten seconds. Mathers gives him a low superkick and a flip DDT gets rid of Crawford at 18:40 and we’re down to Mathers vs. Reed. They slug it out and Mathers hits another flip DDT for two. Reed is sent outside but catches a dive and hits his hanging F5 off the apron onto the concrete. Back in and an Air Raid Crash finishes Mathers at 20:59.

Rating: D. The action was fine but commentary was perhaps the worst that I have ever heard. It wasn’t even commentary as much as one guy (the second was fine) did nothing but shout over and over again, probably screaming EAT THAT about 30 times, including after every single big move. This already isn’t my style of wrestling and then everything else about it is driving me crazy. They had a 20+ minute spot fest with the first ten minutes being spent walking around in darkness. The match itself was acceptable but my goodness commentary was a nightmare.

Brian Cage vs. Chris Dickinson

Well the star power just went up. Dickinson looks like he can barely walk due to some kind of a leg injury but he slugs away anyway. Cage is right back with a powerbomb and Dickinson is in trouble early. We go intelligent with the Indian Deathlock to stay on the leg but Dickinson crawls to the floor.

Cage follows him outside and hammers away as he is getting to pick his spots here. Dickinson is busted open and commentary starts making fun of his mom’s accent. Back in and Cage works on the leg again but Dickinson fights up and strikes away. A belly to back suplex sends Cage flying and they fight outside again with Dickinson hitting him in the ribs with a door. Back in and Dickinson manages a missile dropkick into a nip up but Cage is right back with a sitout powerbomb.

Dickinson knocks him down again and hits a running kick to the chest, followed by a delayed vertical suplex for two. Cage is right back with a shot to the knee though and the Figure Four goes on. That’s turned over so Cage blasts him with a clothesline, only to get caught in a dragon screw legwhip. Dickinson grabs his own Figure Four but Cage powers out of that as well. Cage runs him over and grabs another Figure Four for the tap at 14:42.

Rating: C. Who would have bet on some psychology in something like this? Granted when you have Dickinson barely able to walk to start it isn’t that hard to figure out, but this wasn’t what I would have expected. Nice stuff here, though it went longer than it needed to, especially given the injury and this time of night.

2 Cold Scorpio vs. Eli Everfly

This is Lucha Rules meaning….well I guess we’ll find out. Scorpio laughs at the smaller Everfly and dances a bit at the bell. Everfly is driven into the corner but comes out with a wristlock, which sends Everfly down without much effort. The armbar has Everfly in more trouble but he’s back up with a chop and a very springboardy headscissors.

Scorpio isn’t having this and hits a quick wheelbarrow German suplex to send him flying. A big clothesline drops Everfly again but he gets up top. That doesn’t work for Scorpio, as his fall away slam sends Everfly sailing. The half crab goes on but Everfly eventually slips out as commentary continues its worship of Scorpio, now trying to get him on Wrestlemania. Back up and a wheelbarrow Stunner gets two on Scorpio and Everfly kicks him to the floor.

One heck of a top rope moonsault takes Scorpio down again, even if Everfly’s legs hit him in the head. Back in and Everfly hits a top rope cutter for two more and they’re both down again. A running clothesline drops Scorpio again and a sunset flip is good for the same. Scorpio hits something like a Pele into the Tumbleweed for the pin at 11:54.

Rating: C+. The ending was a bit flat but they did a nice job of telling the story of Scorpio not taking him seriously enough and almost getting caught. Everfly can do all of the flips and you are only going to be able to get so far at that size. The story and action were good though and I can always go for some more of Scorpio.

Jordan Oliver vs. Jimmy Lloyd

This is billed as Ace vs. Ace. Oliver slaps him in the face to start and they get into the brawl. Lloyd gets driven into the corner for the chops and a running spinwheel kick makes it worse. Another shot sends Oliver outside but his suicide dive is cut off by a chair to the head. That puts Lloyd down and egads there is a lot of broken glass under there. Egads that’s from Spring Break that I’m watching later isn’t it? Back in and Oliver hits him with some chair shots to the head for two but Lloyd, now bleeding, gets in a few shots of his own.

Oliver sends him face first into a chair in the corner as commentary goes onto a rant about how worthless referees are. The turnbuckle pad comes off but Oliver is sent into it instead, drawing more blood. Lloyd sends him into a chair but Oliver is back with a series of strikes to put both of them down. Commentary can’t remember Oliver’s name, even as they knock each other down again. Oliver hits a German suplex but Lloyd is back with a pumphandle driver for two as one person tries the THIS IS AWESOME chant.

It’s time to bring in a third chair so Oliver uses the distraction to grab a German suplex for two more. A clothesline gives Oliver another near fall and it’s time to adjust the chairs. They get on the chairs until Lloyd piledrives him through the chairs for two. Well of course that’s only two. Oliver is back with a double underhook piledriver for a near fall of his own. With nothing else working, Oliver goes up for his super cutter but Lloyd hits him low for the pin at 14:44.

Rating: D+. This was another one those matches where they do a spot, then sit around, then do a spot, then set up some kind of a weapon spot, then do a spot, then we finally get to the point. Throw in the commentary being able to do very little that swear a lot and say EAT THAT and it was quite the long sit. Oliver is getting better in the ring in MLW, but Lloyd felt like one of those not so great hardcore guys and that made for a messy match.

They brawl to the back.

JTG vs. Dr. Cube

No DQ. Cube is a guy with a cube for a head from Kaiju Big Battel. JTG dives onto Cube and his people to start, with Cube losing his cube (as in the box around his head) early on. A powerslam gives JTG two with one of Cube’s lackeys making the save. Cube slaps away and whips JTG into the corner, where the turnbuckle pad falls off. JTG gets sent outside so the goons can stomp on him so he powerbombs one onto the rest of them.

Back in and Cube hits a top rope knee to the back of the head for two and commentary keeps swearing about how bad the referees are. Cube’s goons come in again and set up a bunch of tables and doors, with a double chokeslam putting JTG through one such door. One of the goons hits a twisting shooting star to give Cube two. Now the goons bring in the light tubes to break over JTG’s back and he is cut BADLY. My eyes jumped up at how much blood was on his back but he comes back to clean house.

A double light tube shot to the back hits Cube but it’s time for the goons to come back in and beat JTG down again. Cube grabs the mic and gets in a shouting match with commentary…..and it’s freaking Big Cass coming in for the save. Cass cleans house and leaves JTG with Cube, who pours out thumbtacks. JTG hits him low and powerbombs him into the tacks, followed by a second for a bonus. A running Razor’s Edge into a powerbomb (close enough) finishes Cube at 14:04.

Rating: F. Nope. As amazing as JTG’s transformation is, this is every stupid hardcore trope that gives indy wrestling a bad reputation (whether it is deserved or not). Throw in the same EAT THAT commentary guy and the other one who wouldn’t shut up about how much he hated everything and this was about as irritating as it could have been. Just get on with the show already, and stop with the horrible commentary, please.

And now, a Lio Rush music video. Or at least part of one.

Low Ki vs. Lio Rush

I’m not big on either of them, but at least we should be in for a heck of an upgrade after the previous match. Feeling out process to start but the pace picks up in a hurry with Rush doing his running dodges. A kick to the face puts Rush on the floor and he needs a breather. Back in and a test of strength goes to Ki, who kicks him into the corner and hammers away. Ki suplexes him down for two but Rush fights back up as commentary says this is the White Ranger (Rush) vs. a bus boy (not Rush).

Rush’s comeback is cut off and Ki grabs a chinlock to keep him down. Back up and Rush slides into the corner to counter a whip as commentary (apparently Joey Janela of all people) starts singing. A handspring elbow drops Ki and a hurricanrana gives Rush two. Rush loses his shirt and a Falcon Arrow gets two on Ki as Janela talks about liking veal.

They go up top with Rush snapping off a super hurricanrana but Ki rolls through into a double stomp. Commentary talks about eggplant as Rush fights out of the Ki Crusher. Rush hits a hard DDT for two but misses Rush Hour. Ki gets up top for the double stomp and the pin at 10:09.

Rating: C. Yeah this was fine. It was late and they were rushing around, but it’s not like it mattered at this point. Granted when commentary is ignoring the match to talk about anything else that comes to mind, there isn’t much that the wrestlers can do no matter what. Completely acceptable wrestling and that’s all it needed to be to be an upgrade.

Overall Rating: D+. There were good parts to this, but the bad outweigh the good so badly that it completely ruins anything positive that could come out of the show. Ignoring the extreme/hardcore nonsense and commentary completely ruining more than one match, it just wasn’t that good in several parts. You really can tell the difference in the talent levels though, as the bigger name wrestlers were on a different planet in almost every possible way. There are worse shows, but the bad stuff is some of the stuff I can’t stand the most on this kind of show.

 

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