Monday Night Raw
Date: September 22, 2003
Location: MCI Center, Washington D.C.
Commentators: Al Snow, Jonathan Coachman

It’s the night after Unforgiven and I know I always say that it has to be better this time around, but for once I’m not kidding myself. Goldberg is the new World Heavyweight Champion and that makes me think we’re going to be hearing about how HHH belongs as champion and will have it back soon. You know, so the world can be all as it should be. Let’s get to it.

Here’s last week’s Raw if you missed it.

And Unforgiven if you missed it.

Opening sequence.

There are some soldiers here from Walter Reed Hospital.

Coach and Snow get their own entrance, with Coach again wearing the white cowboy hat. Snow on Coach: “YOU COULD SELL TOOTHPASTE TONIGHT!”

Here’s Goldberg for his big celebration, because the idea is to have him talking and make him a character of course. He promised to be here in Washington D.C. as champion and now you can believe the hype. Cue Steve Austin to say there isn’t too much in life that makes him happy. There’s drinking beer, middle fingers, four letter words and the United States armed forces.

Last night Goldberg made him happy too by becoming the World Heavyweight Champion. Austin will drink to that and beer is consumed….until Eric Bischoff interrupts, complete with a standing ovation from Coach and Snow. Bischoff takes credit for creating Goldberg and is speared before he can say much else. Snow: “NO!!!!” Are we going with Goldberg vs. Bischoff now? Is that necessary?

A soldier sends a message to his family in North Dakota.

Intercontinental Title: Rob Van Dam vs. Christian

Christian is defending. Van Dam wastes no time in hitting a middle rope crossbody for two and Christian bails to the floor. That means a big flip dive, followed by a middle rope apron legdrop to keep the champ in trouble. It’s WAY too early for the Five Star though and Van Dam’s ribs are banged up. A gutbuster gives Christian two and we hit the abdominal stretch. That goes nowhere so Rob comes back with a spinwheel kick, followed by Rolling Thunder for two. Rob gets in a head fake and scores with a split legged moonsault for another near fall. Not that it matters as Christian hits him with the belt for the DQ.

Rating: C-. They were starting to get going until the lame ending. This would seem to be setting up a rematch though and that’s not the worst feud for either guy. There’s a pretty solid midcard on Raw and if they actually have people fighting for the midcard title, it come make for some entertaining matches.

Post match Christian hits him in the head with a ladder. A splash off said ladder has Christian in more pain than Van Dam. So that’s likely at Survivor Series or a big Raw.

Chris Jericho goes to check on Bischoff and talks his way into a World Title match tonight. Now why couldn’t they do that in WCW?

Mark Jindrak and Garrison Cade come out for a match but Evolution jumps them from behind for a beatdown. Coach thinks it’s due to HHH losing the World Title but isn’t sure. HHH talks about how he knows he’s still the best in the world and he breathes it every day. Last night, HHH beat himself and now it’s time to make Goldberg believe. HHH points to all the Game Over signs but for Goldberg, the game has just started. Standard heel who just lost the title promo, except overly long and with a lot of deep breathing.

Another soldier remembers a fallen friend.

Here’s Thuggin N Buggin Enterprises with Teddy Long wondering why there have been no black Presidents. He could change laws and be on the Dollar Dollar Bill. Teddy presents Rodney Mack as his Secretary of State and Mark Henry as his Secretary of Defense. It’s time for a White Boy Challenge!

Mark Henry vs. Tommy Dreamer

Dreamer’s weapons don’t get him anywhere (or disqualified for that matter) and it’s the World’s Strongest Slam for the pin in less than a minute.

Cade, Jindrak and Maven charge into Evolution’s locker room and a six man is made for later.

Trish and Lita are in the back and walk past Jericho and Christian. The guys look at them but Austin comes up and says they won’t crack him. Next week: JR vs. Coach with the announcing job on the line again. As a bonus, Austin debuts Christian’s CLB nickname. Next week, it’s RVD vs. CLB for the IC in a ladder match.

Another soldier saying hi.

Gail Kim/Molly Holly vs. Trish Stratus/Lita

Rematch from last night and Lita’s first Raw match in over a year and a half. Trish and Gail exchange headlocks to start until Trish mostly misses a basement dropkick for two. Molly comes in and gets monkey flipped, followed by the Matrish into a headscissors. Snow: “That’s what I admire in a woman: flexibility.”

Lita comes in to a big reaction and a one legged monkey flip and a headbutt to the stomach. A quick Gail distraction lets Molly hit a running flip neckbreaker though and we hit the double arm crank with a knee in the neck. Molly’s suplex is countered into a reverse DDT though (with a good thud) and a double clothesline….doesn’t set up the hot tag to Trish. Instead everything breaks down with Trish spearing Molly to the floor. A Twist of Fate puts Gail away.

Rating: C. I don’t know if it’s because she hasn’t been around in a long time but Lita looked like the biggest star the women’s division has ever had here, getting a crazy reaction and putting on a solid performance as well. The changed look (now in a tank top and shorts) makes her look a bit more serious too and that takes her up another level. The match was good too as you can see the talent really starting to shine.

Jericho asks Bischoff to be the guest referee for the title match. Bischoff is hurt but agrees in the name of screwing over Austin and Goldberg. This is another great example of SHUT THE DOOR WHILE MAKING EVIL PLANS Theater.

We get a music video on Test vs. Steiner (edited off the Network of course), because it’s just that epic.

Earlier today, Stacy Keibler apologized to Scott Steiner for messing up last night. Test comes up and makes Steiner carry his bags. Scott yells and Test hides behind Stacy and threatens a lawsuit.

The announcers talk about Shane McMahon vs. Kane last night. The video pauses before the impact on the big finish.

Shane, at an undisclosed medical facility (with the graphic saying Harrisburg, Pennsylvania), talks about how he hopes to be released in the morning. He’ll be after Kane again though….and here’s Kane, who of course is shirtless and in wrestling gear, suggesting that he’s likely murdered several security guards on the way here. Or security just sucks.

Kane pulls the IV out of Shane’s arm and pours a bag of blood on him before slamming the bed into a wall. Security arrives and Kane drops one of them with a good right hand. Shane is thrown against a door and Kane leaves. I remember watching this live and being annoyed that the feud was continuing. Nearly fifteen years later and it’s the same opinion.

La Resistance vs. Hurricane/Rosey

It’s Conway and Dupree here with both guys being heavily bandaged after last night’s tables match. Hurricane headscissors Conway down and Rosey takes Dupree’s head off with a clothesline. Sylvan Grenier hits Hurricane with the French flag and the soldiers in the front row aren’t happy. Back in and Dupree does his yet to be signature dance before handing it off to Conway. We hit the double arm crank for a bit with Hurricane fighting up without too much effort. Rosey comes in and drops the big leg on Conway and Hurricane makes a blind tag for a crossbody on Dupree. A Samoan drop/neckbreaker combination puts Conway away.

Rating: D+. Not too bad here and the fresh blood to the division is a nice upgrade. There’s only so much you can do with just two teams fighting for the titles so throwing a third in there helps a lot. Their vignettes have helped a lot too, but I have a feeling they’ll be pushed aside for another uninteresting team because that’s what WWE seems to roll with for some reason.

Post match the Dudleys come out to high five the troops. That was a pretty unnecessary cameo.

Earlier today, WWE and Russell Simmons got together for a voting drive. Wrestlers on the stage with Vince: Maven and JBL.

Evolution vs. Maven/Garrison Cade/Mark Jindrak

It’s a brawl to start with the young guys clearing the ring in short order. We settle down to HHH slugging Jindrak down in the corner before it’s Maven’s turn to take a beating. Maven backslides Flair for two and scores with some right hands before it’s off to Orton and Cade. Garrison gets caught in the corner so Evolution can take turns beating on him as the announcers recap Orton’s legend killing.

HHH slaps on the sleeper because he’s old school that way but a belly to back suplex gets Cade out of trouble. The hot tag brings in Maven as you can see the audience sitting in near silence. Maven cleans as much house as he can but Flair sends him outside. The referee takes a chair away from Orton, leaving Maven to hit a missile dropkick on Flair for no count. HHH comes in with a Pedigree to give Flair the pin.

Rating: D. The ending helped a bit but there’s not going to be anything positive coming from these three against Evolution. Cade and Jindrak are black holes of charisma and Maven is Maven so what were you expecting? This could have been a lot worse but it didn’t exactly do anyone any favors.

HHH says the fans need him more than he needs the fans.

Another soldier wants Austin to come help them fight in Iraq.

We go live to Hollywood for the red carpet premiere of the Rundown. Rock is excited for the movie and threatens to smack Marc Lloyd around. He thanks Vince, all the talent in the back and the fans for making all this possible. Rock gets annoyed at being asked about a scene where a monkey, shall we say, has his way with Rock’s face and accuses Lloyd of sucking on orangutan nipples. Lloyd says run down to the theater but Rock comes back to call him stupid for that one. Some rhyming wraps us up.

Raw World Title: Goldberg vs. Chris Jericho

Goldberg is defending and Bischoff is the outside referee. Jericho dances away from him to start but gets powered into the corner. The champ follows him to the floor but Bischoff cuts him off. That earns Eric an accidental collision from Jericho and it’s time to go back inside for a whip into the corner. A gorilla press to the floor has Jericho rocked but he sidesteps a spear and Goldberg hits the steps.

Jericho gets two off a missile dropkick and it’s off to something like a crossface chickenwing. Goldberg powers up and kicks Jericho in the face but a DDT gives Chris two. A gorilla press into a spinebuster plants Jericho again but Bischoff pulls the referee out at two. Jericho scores with a low blow and Lionsault for a Bischoff counted two. Cue Austin to pull Bischoff to the floor for a completely unprovoked right hand, leaving Goldberg to finish with the usual.

Rating: C+. It wasn’t great but they kept Goldberg looking strong and gave him a win over a credible opponent on his first night as champion. It also helps when Jericho can actually pick up the pace a little bit and not be like HHH, who managed to make Goldberg feel boring last night. In theory this sets up another round of Austin vs. Bischoff, because that’s what the world was clamoring to see.

Overall Rating: D+. It’s kind of amazing how much better this show is without Coach/King arguing with Snow/Coachman (the new commentary wasn’t terrible, but it certainly doesn’t validate the long story to get there). HHH didn’t have the long form promo and Goldberg got to look like a strong champion. The women continue their nice little roll too, which gave us some nice bright spots on an otherwise not very good show.

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Monday Night Raw
Date: August 25, 2003
Location: Convention Center, Tuscon, Arizona
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

It’s the night after Summerslam and HAHA HHH is still World Champion thanks to a sledgehammer to Goldberg’s head. That’s pretty much all we have on the less important story, but we do have Shane McMahon still wanting to fight Kane. Now though, Eric Bischoff has the Coach as his backup, which was arguably the second biggest Raw story coming out of last night’s show. Let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of Goldberg being destroyed after losing in the Chamber last night. Just in case you had forgotten that HHH and Evolution were the strongest forces in the universe you see. We even get BONUS footage of Goldberg being carried out.

Here’s Goldberg to open things up. JR: “Goldberg’s career was destroyed by Evolution last night.” They’re certainly hammering in the HHH > Goldberg idea so far and we’re not even four minutes into the show. Goldberg says the title belongs to him and he wants to face HHH for said title right here tonight.

HHH takes his shirt off and Flair seems to enjoy rubbing his bicep quite a bit. He doesn’t even see Goldberg as one of the top five guys in this industry. Last night HHH proved that he was the best in the world today (Flair points out the best body as a bonus). Goldberg guarantees that he’s coming for the belt, whether he has to follow HHH to his home or even into his sleep.

As you make your Nightmare on Elm Street jokes, Goldberg promises to win the title. HHH lists off all the names that he’s beaten and wonders why Goldberg thinks he’s any better. Goldberg: “I’M GOLDBERG!” Really that’s all he needs to say, but this is WWE, where Goldberg needs to have a personality.

The match is set for Unforgiven but Goldberg has to put his career on the line. That means he’s done and doesn’t go to “some second rate promotion like Smackdown”. Goldberg quickly agrees and promises to make this HHH’s funeral. They actually kept this a bit shorter and it got its point across: HHH rules the world and Goldberg is lucky enough to get to be in it for the time being.

Trish Stratus vs. Gail Kim

Gail jumps her during the entrances and chokes Trish with her coat. They get in for the opening bell with Gail breaking up a sunset flip and getting in a shot to the face for two. We hit the early chinlock and even a belly to back suplex doesn’t break it up. Back up and Trish gets in a whip to the corner, only to charge into a boot.

We’re back to the chinlock (I get the idea of sticking close to the veteran but this is ridiculous) so Trish rams her into the corner. Gail reverses to something like a dragon sleeper but Trish climbs the corner into a near Sliced Bread #2 for the real break. Back up and Trish wins a slugout and scores with the Chick Kick for two. The Chick Kick is enough to pin Gail.

Rating: D. The ridiculous levels of chinlocking here really held things down but it’s better than Gail’s variety of hurricanranas. These women still need personalities as other than Trish, we barely know anything about them. Gail is a heel now….why? Molly at least has the title but as soon as she loses that, what else is there that sets her apart? Let them talk or give them some vignettes or something but develop the division (Does three people make a division?) somehow.

Post match Molly comes in and knocks Trish down before glaring at Gail.

We look back at Eric Bischoff implying that he slept with Linda McMahon last week.

Post break Molly chokes Gail. After mentioning that she got Gail into the company (see, that’s a detail that tells us ANYTHING about Gail, which is more than we’ve gotten to date) and they need to team up and take out Trish. Gail agrees.

Here are Teddy Long and Rodney Mack to announce the newest member of Thuggin N Buggin Enterprises. Therefore, here’s the newest member to team with Mack.

Rodney Mack/Mark Henry vs. Garrison Cade/Mark Jindrak

Aside from a match on Heat, this is Henry’s first WWE match since October. Garrison shoulders Mack down to start as I still try to figure out why a wrestler is named Garrison Cade. Mack runs him over as well and grabs an early chinlock (we’ve seen enough of that tonight). That lasts as long as you would expect and it’s off to Jindrak for the big dropkick, followed by a run up the ropes into a spinning clothesline.

That’s enough for Henry, who comes in and tosses people like villagers in a King Kong movie. Jindrak gets to the top for another clothesline but gets pulled out of the air for the World’s Strongest Slam and the pin. Henry was impressive here, but the longevity is all that matters. Well that and backing the Mack.

Lance Storm is annoyed at Goldust for sending him into the women’s locker room and leaving a woman there for him to find (not shown on last week’s show). Goldust calls something a healthy relationship and we look down at Minidust enjoying Storm’s leg. Rosey of all people comes in to ask about a disturbance.

Storm doesn’t have time to listen but a production worker (who is played by Jessie from Tough Enough II) mentions that there was a man in the ring with a gun. Rosey runs off to stop him but Hurricane comes in and finds out that it was a t-shirt gun. Putting the comedy together might be the right idea, though Rosey and Hurricane are much funnier.

During the break, Rosey attacked the t-shirt guy but Hurricane came in to ask him whatsupwithdat. And that’s it. Quite the anticlimactic ending when we had a midget, a gun, a Tough Enough cameo and two superheroes.

Video on the Rundown (I liked that movie), which is of course edited off the Network.

Steve Austin recaps the Coach joining Bischoff last night, earning himself a beating in the process (of course altering the reality a bit, much to the fans’ delight). A banged up Bischoff comes in and wants to hear the truth. Since Coach did the right thing, tonight he’s going to be named Employee of the Month tonight. Austin better stay out too.

La Resistance/Rob Conway vs. Dudley Boyz

This is fallout from last night where Conway (the serviceman from last week and last night who now officially has a name) cost the Dudleys the Tag Team Titles. Lillian has a hard time keeping track of all the names because she’s not the most competent announcer in the world. Before the match, Conway introduces himself and blames the Americans for being too ignorant to get why France is amazing.

This war against “terrorism” is ridiculous and the people are following him like sheep. Conway talks about how we need to pull out of Iraq and Afghanistan and treat the French with respect. See, the Americans are the REAL terrorists. As usual, this has been your moment of patriotism beating you over the head.

Spike is the only Dudley to come to the ramp as Bubba and D-Von come in from the crowd for the sneak attack. Jerry talks about how much he love France, such as Pepe Le Pew being his favorite cartoon character (Does that really surprise anyone?). Spike gets in a Dudley Dog on Conway and brings in Bubba for the house cleaning as this isn’t seeming to have a ton of time. Dupree takes 3D and the Dudley Dog drops Grenier. Bubba tosses Spike onto Dupree but Conway gets in a belt shot to put Bubba away in a hurry. In other words, this story must continue. For AMERICA you see.

It’s time for the Highlight Reel, now with the end of Saliva’s King of My World as the theme song. Jericho is banged up but is gutting it out here. Last night he would have won but it was Goldberg getting in his way. That brings him to his guest, but first he needs to explain the rather horrible Bischoff and Linda segment from last week. We see the clip again and it’s no less creepy this time around. Jericho refers to Linda’s noises as she tried to get away as “hot stuff”.

This week’s guest is Linda McMahon, meaning that awesome old Wrestlemania theme. Jericho gets right to the point by asking if she and Bischoff “made it like two Arizona jackrabbits”. Linda says security was there as soon as the cameras went off and Linda is thinking about firing Eric. Well of course she is.

Anyway here’s an annoyed Vince to interrupt. Vince yells at Linda for “deciding” to fire Bischoff without his approval so there will be no repercussions on Bischoff for what he did last week. Linda isn’t a victim because Vince is the only real victim around here. He’s a victim of their failed marriage and what came out of her demon infested womb. It’s Linda’s fault that Stephanie and Shane hate him but Linda thinks he needs psychological help. That’s laughed off but Vince agrees that he might need help dealing with the kids. He feels a lot like Kane because everyone has turned on him too.

This brings out Shane because we don’t have enough drama yet. Shane tells Vince that he can rot but Jericho cuts him off. Jericho sucks up to Vince and punches Shane for showing up without an invitation. Vince makes Jericho vs. Shane for later tonight. This was more McMahon drama and that’s the last thing WWE needs. The McMahons aren’t interesting in such heavy doses and it’s not getting any better when Vince is going back and forth between shows.

We recap the opening segment, just in case you forgot about how great HHH is.

Randy Orton vs. Maven

Shawn Michaels is in Maven’s corner. Orton takes him down without much effort as JR recaps the show to show how horrible it’s been so far. Stereo dropkicks go nowhere so it’s Orton taking over with the backbreaker. Some uppercuts keep Maven in trouble and Orton whips him into the corner so hard that he falls down. Flair gets annoyed at a two count and gets on the apron. Shawn gets up as well, allowing Ric to poke Maven in the eye.

That earns Flair Sweet Chin Music, followed by Orton missing the dropkick. The RKO is broken up as well (with JR mentioning for perhaps the only time ever that RKO are Orton’s initials) and a spinwheel kick takes Orton down. Maven gets shoved into the ropes though and the RKO gets two with Orton pulling him up. Orton hits his own Sweet Chin Music for the pin. You can pencil in Orton vs. Shawn for Unforgiven, which is a win that Orton could really use.

Rating: D+. Maven is a lot better now, to the point where he’s not embarrassing himself anymore in a five minute match. Orton is starting to get the hang of things, but this put too much attention on Flair vs. Shawn, which tends to be a common problem with Orton’s matches. A win over Shawn might help, but it has to be done right.

A lot of staring ensues.

It’s time for the Employee of the Month Award presentation. After a photo opportunity with the plaque (which doesn’t actually say which month the award is for), Coach talks about doing what his boss said, which doesn’t make him a bad guy. Bischoff is the kind of guy who recognizes talent, unlike Austin. Coach was only treated this way because he’s not Austin’s boy, right JR?

We see a clip of JR returning to take Coach’s announcers’ position, which seemed to annoy Coach at the time. Coach isn’t happy that JR wasn’t more thankful or professional and now he wants an apology. As for now though, Coach wants an apology from Austin for last night. Bischoff: “What the h***?” That might seem a bit random, and that would be because he says it before Christian’s music hits for a surprising interruption. Is it really that hard to wait for a cue?

Christian wants an apology for not being on the show last night (preach it brother) so here’s Austin with an envelope in his back pocket. Austin gets straight to the point: Coach couldn’t carry JR’s jockstrap, let alone his job. The envelope contains a sympathy card….in the form of Austin’s middle finger. Good thing Austin had that envelope ready just in case Coach asked him for an apology and he knew what joke he wanted to do.

Coach says the King and a cowboy sound like the Village People so Lawler offers to come take care of him. Christian cuts them off though and wants to know what’s going on. Austin: “You think you’re special?” So the Intercontinental Title, which Austin re-introduced last year and called important, isn’t special? Austin has an idea.

Intercontinental Title: Christian vs. Jerry Lawler

Christian is defending and I need my headache medicine. Coach takes Jerry’s place on commentary and the distraction lets Christian get in a cheap shot. Some right hands get Jerry out of trouble for a few seconds and let’s look at commentary again (Why is that such a common thing around here?). We hit the chinlock with a knee in Lawler’s back and BACK TO COMMENTARY with Coach making fun of the cowboy hat. At least get some fresh material.

JR, for about the eighth time so far: “Let’s call this wrestling match. By the way folks later tonight, Shane McMahon is going to fight Chris Jericho.” Christian gets punched out of the air and more right hands keep him in trouble. Coach makes fun of JR repeating words and Lawler slams Christian off the top. The fist drop has Christian in trouble but Coach leaves commentary to pull Jerry out at two. The chase allows Christian to get a rollup with tights for the pin.

Rating: F. This show is somehow getting worse. So now, the Intercontinental Champion, who is not special and not able to get on Summerslam, needs help from COACH to beat a semi-retired wrestler and full time commentator? All in the name of pushing Austin vs. Bischoff in an attempt to recreate Austin vs. McMahon? This was really, really stupid and that’s becoming way too common.

Kane watches Shane come to the ring.

Christian celebrates in the back as Coach does the interview. Austin comes in to make Coach vs. Lawler for next week. Good grief it’s continuing.

Shane McMahon vs. Chris Jericho

Hey look: another non-wrestler. Shane is ready for a cheap shot from behind (because he’s smarter than Jericho) and hits an awkward looking backdrop. A kick to the face has Shane staggered but he’s still able to avoid a charge and put Jericho on the floor. Shane puts him on the timekeeper’s table but Kane’s music and pyro go off for a distraction (no Kane). Jericho hits the springboard dropkick to put Shane on the floor and we take a break.

Back with Jericho chopping away in the corner but diving into a DDT. Again, because Shane is smarter than he is. A clothesline gives Shane two but a jumping enziguri puts him down again. The Lionsault hits knees but Shane gets crotched on top, setting up a superplex. Now it’s Kane coming out for real (I guess he plays mind games now) coming out to chokeslam Shane for what should be a DQ but seems to be a no contest because WWE doesn’t know how wrestling works.

Rating: F. The wrestling was fine, but the booking here is a failure by definition. According to this, Shane McMahon should have been in the Elimination Chamber last night because he can go move for move with Chris Jericho. I know WWE loves Shane but can they at least make it look like he’s just a brawler with some great athleticism who is getting lucky to survive? This was treating Shane like a top level wrestler on Raw, making his matches on pay per view feel a lot less important. As usual, WWE misses the point.

Kane leaves through the crowd with Shane following for a brawl in the back. The fans react to a City of Tuscon sign (“IT SAYS OUR TOWN’S NAME! YAY!”) as Shane catches up with Kane, who slams him back first into a wall over and over. Naturally Kane has a bunch of gas cans ready and he starts a dumpster fire. Kane loads Shane up but gets knocked in instead as we hit the action movie trailer shot of Shane looking at the fire to end the show.

Overall Rating: W. As in wrestling. I figure I might as well make something about it because wrestling doesn’t matter on this show. No, what matters around here is beating patriotism into your head, a story based around sexual assault, Minidust, a stable called Thuggin N Buggin Enterprises, the Intercontinental Champion being a worthless player on the show, burning a man alive and non-wrestlers being the most prominent people on the show.

It’s like the Attitude Era without the interest or energy. The top stories are Austin vs. Bischoff, which also pulls in JR/King vs. Coach and Shane McMahon vs. Kane. Somewhere down there is Goldberg vs. HHH (who is barely a wrestler at the moment due to an injury) in a story that is continuing for reasons that I’m sure HHH can explain to you but doesn’t make much sense to anyone else. This felt like they were running away in the wrong direction and covering their ears from what people wanted to hear, which is one of the scariest things you can see in a wrestling company.

I watch wrestling to see the wrestlers and the stories they’re involved in at the moment. For some reason I’m seeing commentators and a single family (including a bickering couple) dominating the shows while I’m told that the Intercontinental Champion isn’t important enough to be on a show and needs help to beat Jerry Lawler. I thought getting past Summerslam might help, but this was one of the worst episodes of the show I’ve ever seen.

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Monday Night Raw
Date: August 11, 2003
Location: Mark of the Quad, Moline, Illinois
Commentators: Jonathan Coachman, Jerry Lawler

The slow crawl towards Summerslam continues and now we have an Elimination Chamber match for the Raw main event. Why anyone would want that is beyond me, but we also have Shane McMahon as the big hero of the show, fighting off the evil monster known as Kane. Other than that though, the show is looking pretty rough. Let’s get to it.

On a side note, the show is now officially airing on SpikeTV instead of TNN.

Opening sequence.

Some pyro goes off signaling the network now being called SpikeTV. It’s a better name and at least they don’t waste any time on it.

Here’s Eric Bischoff to brag about beating Shane last week, even having Lillian Garcia announce him as the winner again. After looking at a clip of the ending, Eric sucks up to the McMahon Family, calling Linda a “big breasted mature woman”. The only member he doesn’t respect is Shane, who is only here because of his last name. Shane is the Frank Sinatra Jr. of WWE (I’m hoping that’s a topical joke because otherwise it’s really just bad).

Instead here’s the perfectly fine looking (save for a limp) JR to interrupt and mock Bischoff for throwing his weight around. He understands how important Kane is to this company though, which is why he’s only going to sue Bischoff. Eric immediately fires Coach from his commentary spot so JR can have his spot back but here’s Austin with a clipboard to interrupt.

After shaking JR’s hand, Austin says he has a contract drawn up to help settle some differences. Austin whispers something to JR and then gets to the point: JR won’t sue if Bischoff has a match tonight. Bischoff turns down a match with Shane so JR tells him to call a lawyer. That’s enough to convince Eric to sign…..a contract to face Kane tonight. Read the contract buddy.

So yeah, after watching last week’s show focusing on Bischoff wrestling, the next week’s show is the exact same thing. Let me guess: Lawler is going to be elated over this all night long. Also, Kane unmasked on June 23, took out Rob Van Dam, lit JR on fire, tombstoned Linda, and this is going to be his first actual match. After all that work building him up, they haven’t actually done anything with him aside from using him as a chess piece in a story involving Bischoff.

The problem right now is between Austin, Bischoff, JR, Kane, Shane and Van Dam, I’m not sure what the big story is. In theory it’s Kane vs. Shane down the line, but first we have to get through Kane vs. Van Dam. Rob would have been a good first victim a few weeks back, but that never even started.

Then there’s the Bischoff part, which doesn’t really have an interesting payoff other than Shane beating him up. Kane has been a monster for over a month now and we’re STILL waiting on him to have anything to do in the ring. Oh but Kevin Nash, who was feuding with Test for a little while, is getting a World Title match. Makes perfect sense.

Stacy Keibler/Scott Steiner vs. Rico/Miss Jackie

….what? If this is the option that made it to TV, what in the world was considered too bad to make it onto the show? Jackie watches Rico as he gets in ala Scott watching Stacy. Rico poses to start so Steiner forearms him in the head, followed by the spinning belly to belly. The pushup elbow gets two and it’s off to Jackie for the….showdown? Actually Stacy has to come in and egads this could be a nightmare.

They trade slaps until it’s the pinfall reversal sequence for exactly the reason you would expect. Stacy gets two off a spinning kick to the face but Rico knees her in the back. A double clothesline puts both of them down but here’s Test to jump Steiner. Rico snaps Stacy’s throat over the top, leaving Jackie to drop a leg for the pin.

Rating: F. Well of course it was to set up more Steiner vs. Test. Rico and Jackie were somehow the better option here with Stacy not being anything resembling a wrestler and Jackie looking at least somewhat improved from last year (hard not to be but indeed better). The problem here of course is still Steiner vs. Test, which has been going on for over three months now and hasn’t yet begun to be anything interesting. It needs to be dropped and both of them need to move on (perhaps to the unemployment line), though I’m kind of scared to know what could replace them.

Post match Test says this needs to end and wants to fight Steiner next week with Stacy on the line again. Stacy accepts in a hurry.

Flair doesn’t want to face Goldberg tonight because he’s out there all alone due to Evolution being barred from ringside. HHH basically ignores the whole thing and talks about the Elimination Chamber. Orton promises that he’ll retain because it’s the two of them against four guys.

Kane arrives in the police van.

Dudley Boyz vs. La Resistance

Non-title. Brawl to start until Dupree hits D-Von with the American flag for the DQ in about thirty seconds.

Post match the American flag is broken and La Resistance drinks French wine.

Goldust comes up to Molly Holly (such a random pairing) in the back to say she likes gold too. Therefore, he has someone he’d like her to meet. Someone who is truly NOT boring. This brings in Lance Storm in Goldust paint and wig. Storm pulls out cue card, complete with the Tourette’s Syndrome jokes. Molly leaves and Storm says this isn’t working. Not to worry Goldust says, because they have sausages and midgets waiting on them. That’s the second or third midgets joke in a week.

Shawn Michaels and Kevin Nash get in a not very heated argument over who is winning the title. Goldberg comes in and sets them straight but the two of them make threats. It’s cute when Nash and Michaels pretend they’re anything more than filler in that match.

Here’s Intercontinental Champion Christian for a chat. That’s not an error as Christian, who comes out to Booker T.’s entrance, won the title from Booker last night at a house show. Somehow that would be Booker’s only title reign. You really would expect him to pick up the title again at some point but it was just the one time. As for tonight, Christian has found the perfect opponent for his first title defense, especially since we’re now on SpikeTV.

Intercontinental Title: Christian vs. Spike Dudley

Spike is challenging in case you’re a bit slow. Christian drops him ribs first across the top rope, followed by a gutbuster to continue the squashification. We hit an abdominal stretch with Christian having to lean down because Spike is so short. The hold is broken without much drama and Spike comes back with a bulldog for two. The running headbutt to the ribs gets two and a top rope double stomp gets the same, this time with Christian needing the ropes to escape. Back up and an Unprettier plants Spike for the pin to retain.

Rating: D+. For a match based around the challenger’s first name and nothing else, this could have been a lot worse. Spike can have a good enough match, even if there’s no doubt that he’s losing every single one of them. Christian getting the title back at a house show is still kind of odd but maybe Booker really was hurt. Or they just wanted to throw in a surprise, which works quite well in the right way, especially if it might help drive up house show attendance.

Bischoff tries to suck up to Kane and offers to lay down for him. Kane says they’re doing this his way. Again, this is the best followup they have for Kane’s huge push over the last few weeks.

JR replaces Coach on commentary.

Eric Bischoff vs. Kane

Bischoff lays down and JR is aghast. So now the announcers don’t see what happens in the back? Kane grabs the chokeslam and JR is thrilled but Bischoff is sat back down and Kane walks out for the countout.

Post “match”, Kane asks the fans if they want to see him destroy Bischoff. That seems to be what they want, but Kane is tired of doing what everyone else wants. Cue Rob Van Dam to go after Kane…and dive onto the barricade instead. Rob sends him into a chair but the Five Star only hits chair. Kane chairs him down and laughs. Well so much for Van Dam, but now we get to wait a few more weeks before he gets squashed at Summerslam.

Gail Kim says she turned on Trish because no one talked to her when she was champion and she wanted some attention. Fair enough actually.

Women’s Title: Trish Stratus vs. Gail Kim vs. Molly Holly

Molly is defending. Trish goes to fight Gail on the floor, followed by a Chick Kick to Molly. A Thesz press drops Gail but Molly pulls Trish face first into the apron. The villains double suplex Trish as JR is sounding just like his old self, despite being on commentary against doctors’ orders. Trish gets tied in the Tree of Woe with Molly telling Gail to hit her, only to have Molly ax handle her down and get the pin to retain in a clever finish.

Flair is worried about facing Goldberg with no one helping him tonight. HHH has been talking to Bischoff though and Orton is guest referee. Wouldn’t that likely mean the match, and therefore the beating, is going to go on longer?

Earlier today a little old lady was trying to get across a busy street when Rosey showed up to help her. He explains his name to her and gets hit in the ribs with a grocery bag. Hurricane comes in to say no good deed goes unpunished.

Austin comes in to toast Bischoff’s victory and has a little fine print for him: the winner of Kane vs. Bischoff will face Shane McMahon at some point in the future. That might seem a little convenient, but Austin was in a win/win situation. Shane wanted to fight either guy and Austin would have gotten a good attraction either way. That’s actually logical, even if it seems that they’re stretching quite a bit to get to the ending they want.

Hurricane vs. Rodney Mack

Still no Theodore Long. Rodney shoulders him in the ribs to start and cuts off a charge with a powerslam. Mack dared to mock the Hurricane pose before slapping on a bearhug. Hurricane fights up with a crossbody but can’t hit a chokeslam. Instead he goes with a high crossbody to put Mack away.

Rating: D. So much for Mack, but that was the case after the Goldberg feud anyway. Hurricane is a character who can work very well in certain circumstances and he can wrestle a very solid match, but there’s only so much you can do in a situation like this one. I actually like the team with Rosey, though it’s not something that would have much of a shelf life.

Post match Mack beats Hurricane down until Rosey makes the save. This seems to confuse Hurricane, but to be fair it’s probably confusing to have a 400lb Samoan in a home made superhero costume save you.

Video on the Elimination Chamber.

It’s time for the Highlight Reel. Chris Jericho wants to set the record straight about his hair vs. hair match with Kevin Nash. The rules are very simple: when he beats Nash, Kevin has to shave his head. If Jericho somehow loses though, he’ll shave every bit of hair off his face (meaning eyebrows only) because there’s no way anyone is touching these gorgeous locks. Jericho: “Watch how it cascades around my face as I flick it to and fro.”

Cue Nash with a metal briefcase to talk about how Jericho needs a makeover. Nash asks “Kerwin in the back” to put up some images on the Titantron. Jericho: “ONLY I CAN DO THAT!” Instead we put the clip on the Jeritron 5000, which is a shot of Jericho with his hair changing to various FUNNY styles. Jericho says Nash is funny but what’s going to be funny is eliminating Nash from the Chamber. Then he’ll take the title and put it back around his gorgeous waist.

Nash pulls out some electric clippers and wants an answer on hair vs. hair. Wasn’t that already accepted? After threats of beating him up and cutting his hair right now, Jericho agrees to the match for next week. Nash fights off a cheap shot and hits a side slam before pulling out some gardening sheers. Jericho tries to hide underneath the ring but comes out with a fire extinguisher to blind Nash and bail. I believe Nash had to get his hair cut for a movie so this wasn’t the biggest mystery in the world. At the same time it does add a personal issue to the Chamber and gives the fans a big match to look forward to on Raw.

Summerslam rundown.

Ric Flair vs. Goldberg

Anything goes with Randy Orton as guest referee. Orton slips some brass knuckles to Flair before Goldberg comes out. Flair wastes no time in hitting Goldberg in the jaw for a fast two and a belly to back suplex gets the same. Goldberg is right back up with a gorilla press for the customary extra slow count. A clothesline gets the same, because Goldberg is so well known for going for multiple covers off run of the mill offense.

Goldberg yells at Orton and gets chaired in the back for no effect. Instead it’s a shot to the knee to set up the Figure Four with Orton stomping on Goldberg as he makes the rope. Flair lets go for no apparent reason and stays on the knee but Goldberg spears them both down. Cue Shawn Michaels to superkick Orton, allowing Goldberg to Jackhammer Flair. Shawn grabs Orton’s hand and slaps the mat three times for the pin.

Rating: D. So Goldberg can beat Flair and Orton up at the same time. That’s some good information to know and I’m glad it took them two weeks to establish that fact. Goldberg could have speared Flair down and pinned him clean but why do what works with Goldberg when you can just throw everything together and take away what made Goldberg work in the first place?

Overall Rating: D-. Well it did get better from the Steiner match on but that’s about as much as I can say about this one. The wrestling was a disaster as the big story continues to be the adventures of the battling bosses who can’t actually fight, plus waiting on Kane vs. Shane, which isn’t that thrilling in the first place. Then there’s the Elimination Chamber, which has thrown most of the card into a tailspin. I’m not exactly looking forward to Summerslam at this point and the next few weeks aren’t likely to make things much better.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the Monday Nitro and Thunder Reviews Volume VI: July – December 1999 in e-book or paperback. Check out the information here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2017/11/22/new-book-kbs-monday-nitro-and-thunder-reviews-volume-vi/

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Monday Night Raw
Date: August 4, 2003
Location: PNE Coliseum, Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Commentators: Jonathan Coachman, Jerry Lawler

We’re coming up on Summerslam and as luck would have it, there’s a fresh McMahon to dominate the show! Last week Shane made his big return to stand up for his mother after Kane attacked her the previous week. This was of course the only logical choice instead of Kane’s former partner Rob Van Dam, who was already attacked by Kane a few weeks back. Let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of Kane’s rampage last week, which was capped off by Shane’s return.

Opening sequence.

Here’s Shane to open things up. Shane is here to finish what he started with Kane because he wants to know how big and bad Kane is. As long as he’s able to walk, he’s going to be wherever Kane goes. Cue Eric Bischoff to say he’s appalled by what happened to Linda two weeks ago. Bischoff hates Kane as much as Shane does and he’d love to see Shane get some revenge. He teases Shane vs. Kane tonight and Shane is more than ready but Eric says not so fast.

That’s not what Vince wants though. Instead he wants Kane vs. Rob Van Dam at Summerslam. Shane can’t wait to see Van Dam give Kane a beating at Summerslam but he wants Kane tonight. On the other hand, Shane has to leave right now. Shane rips into Bischoff and says he won’t be leaving tonight, unless Eric wants to make him.

This brings out Austin who tells Shane to get out of the ring because Bischoff is a black belt. Austin brings up Bischoff saying he loved Linda McMahon and makes Bischoff vs. Shane in a no holds barred match for tonight. Bischoff says no way because he can’t face a WWE Superstar. Shane points out that he doesn’t have a contract though and the match is on. Eric panics but smiles and brings up the no holds barred part. Lawler: “THIS IS LIKE A DREAM MATCH!”

On what planet is this a dream match? And on what show should making Shane vs. Bischoff take SEVENTEEN MINUTES? I know this show doesn’t like to actually have wrestling on it a lot of the time but egads just do this in like five minutes or even in a backstage segment. Or better yet, HAVE ACTUAL WRESTLERS IN YOUR MATCH INSTEAD OF THESE TWO!

Rene Dupree vs. Bubba Ray Dudley

Lawler is still raving about how awesome Shane vs. Bischoff is going to be. I know Vince vs. Bischoff would be a dream match but have Shane and Eric ever even spoken on TV before? Dupree dances to start so Bubba sends him into the corner for the loud overhead chop. D-Von gets on the apron for some reason, allowing a quick double team behind the stupid referee’s back.

A neckbreaker gets Bubba out of trouble and a running clothesline gets two. Bubba even goes aerial for a middle rope crossbody but walks into a spinebuster for two more. Rene brings in the French flag but Sylvan comes in, only to clothesline his partner by mistake. That’s not a DQ either, so D-Von hits Rene in the head with the flag pole. The Bubba Bomb is good for the pin on a busted open Dupree. Not long enough to rate but my goodness how much overbooking do you need in a two and a half minute match? How much is there going to be in an actually important (work with me here) Tag Team Title match?

Evolution is in the back and HHH has a badly pulled groin. A panicked Bischoff comes in and has a proposition for HHH.

Video on the Australia tour. Seems to have been some good crowds, which isn’t the most surprising thing in the world.

Scott Steiner vs. Randy Orton

This really isn’t a good idea for a rookie like Orton (or a veteran like HHH actually). Stacy’s outfit is a bit of a better idea but that kind of goes without saying. No Flair with Orton as he has to worry about Goldberg. Before the match, Orton says he can feel the tension in this arena tonight. Orton, and I quote: “It seems that more people came to see Randy Orton’s nipples than Stacy Keibler’s.” Steiner will have none of that besmirchment (such a great word) and stomps away in the corner. He’s so mad that he lets Orton clothesline him twice before a dropkick takes him down. So he’s strong against shoulders but weak against feet.

The fans chant for Stacy as Steiner grabs a spinning belly to belly to put Orton on the floor. An accidental Stacy distraction lets Orton hammer away, only to charge into something like a powerslam for two. Some double ax handles to the chest (more people should use that) set up the push up elbow as Steiner goes through his regular routine. Cue Test for the most obvious finish ever, setting up the RKO to give Orton the pin.

Rating: D. Steiner is still a name and this is the best thing that he can do at this point. I mean, the Test feud is killing him but a clean pin for Orton helps him out well enough. What does it say that though that he was nearly unstoppable back in January and now he’s losing in about four minutes while feuding with Test? That’s some all time levels of falling down the card and yet it’s still not all that surprising.

HHH tells a nervous Bischoff that they have a deal, much to Eric’s relief.

Rosey, in street clothes, tells Hurricane that he’s ready to be a superhero. Christian comes in to brag about taking Booker out in Australia and promises to beat Hurricane tonight. Rosey pulls out a box labeled S.H.I.T. Hurricane: “HOLY S***!” Apparently Rosey made it himself.

Bischoff has recruited Rodney Mack of all people to help him with Shane but Austin comes up. Mack leaves so Bischoff can brag about having Evolution in his corner (What difference does it make if it’s anything goes?) in exchange for Goldberg vs. HHH at Summerslam being No DQ. Austin: “I think it sucks.” So Steve Austin thinks the main event of Summerslam sucks. Good to know.

Hurricane vs. Christian

The fans are behind their countryman, even as Hurricane elbows him down. A trip to the floor has Christian in more trouble and the high crossbody gets two. Christian slips out of the chokeslam though and a rollup with a handful of tights is good for the pin. Just there for the sake of setting up something after the match.

Post match Christian keeps up the beating until Rosey, now in the Superhero in Training garb makes the save. You can imagine the chant. Rosey poses in front of Hurricane, who taps him on the shoulder so they can change places. Not quite Shawn and Diesel but it works.

Kane arrives in the police van. As questionable as this is, having Kane in the role is probably better than anyone else as he can at least look intimidating.

Ric Flair vs. Goldberg

HHH is on commentary again. Goldberg shoves shoves Flair around to start and drops him with a shoulder….as we go over to a shot of HHH talking about his groin. Goldberg’s press slam is loudly booed (as Goldberg wasn’t exactly popular in Canada ever, which was made even worse when he kicked Bret Hart’s head off) and an awkward looking toss (with almost no height) doesn’t make things any better.

A shot to the knee slows Goldberg down as HHH asks Coach if he’ll massage the bad groin. HHH: “It’s the best offer you’ve ever had”. Back up and Flair’s shot to the face have no effect so Goldberg hits a good looking backdrops. Flair pokes him in the eye but gets slammed off the top, only to have Orton come in with a chair for the DQ.

Rating: D. This was basically a Goldberg squash until the ending and the ending is fine. It makes sense for Evolution to take as much out of Goldberg as they could before Summerslam. Goldberg in the ring in Canada just wasn’t a good idea, though to be fair I’m not sure how much time they would have to know that just yet. Storyline advancement here though and I can go with Orton getting to put Goldberg down with the chair shot.

Post match the beatdown is on but Shawn, then Jericho, then Nash come in for the respective saves. Cue Austin to make the Summerslam main event into an Elimination Chamber between HHH, Goldberg, Jericho, Nash, Shawn and Orton. Everyone is stunned and Goldberg spears Flair down. If Austin doesn’t think it, I certainly will: that sounds like it’s going to suck, mainly because HHH is hurt, Nash is Nash and Orton is WAY too young to be in this spot.

Post break everyone is still in the ring as Terri interviews Slamball (I remember that being awesome, though I was a stupid teenager) founder Pat Croche about the season two premiere. Jericho and Nash get in a fight with Nash easily getting the better of it.

HHH wants everything changed but Bischoff says that technically, this is out of his hands. Then technically, Bischoff is on his own tonight. Why not go get Rodney Mack back? Or just buy some other heel? Or find the person Shane is feuding with to advance their story? Would that be against Vince’s will either?

Women’s Title: Trish Stratus vs. Molly Holly

Molly is defending and starts fast with a snap suplex for two. A northern lights suplex (back bridge, according to Coach) gets the same as the fans want puppies. Odds are they mean the Canadian puppies, because Heaven forbid anyone find Molly attractive (even though she’s rather pretty at this point with the short brown hair). A headscissors out of the corner gets Trish out of trouble and the Matrish sends Molly flying out to the floor. Trish hammers away on the floor but here’s Victoria for the quick DQ. Yeah make sure to beat down those Canadians.

Gail Kim runs in for the save but turns on Trish anyway. Then the point for the save was…..? Writers trying to be smarter than they really are perhaps?

Shane attacks the police van because he has no respect for government property.

Lance Storm needs help being boring and asks Goldust for help. This is not going to end well, but hopefully it ends soon.

Bischoff sends the cops off after Austin but uses the distraction to unlock the van.

Rob Van Dam vs. Chris Jericho

Rob starts fast with a dropkick and monkey flip, only to miss a dive off the top, sending him into the barricade. Back in and Jericho drops some elbows as the announcers talk about the Elimination Chamber. A knee to the ribs cuts Rob down for two more and Jericho elbows him in the head. This isn’t exactly thrilling stuff and the announcers talking about ANYTHING else isn’t helping things.

Rob manages to suplex him over the ropes onto the floor but can’t follow up. Back in and a dropkick drops Van Dam, only to have him come back with a springboard kick to the face. A jumping enziguri continues the battle of kicks to the head and gives Jericho two more. Rob’s stepover kick to the face looks to set up Rolling Thunder but Jericho rolls away just in time.

The Lionsault misses as well but Rob misses a Five Star splash (there was nothing froggy about it). They botch a hurricanrana with Jericho trying a quick Walls, only to have Rob next to the ropes. He’s right back up with another kick to the face and the split legged moonsault to put Jericho away.

Rating: D. Where do you even start? The botches? The REALLY dull first half? The announcers not caring? Giving Van Dam a pin over a World Title contender before he gets squashed by Kane at the pay per view? They had an interesting idea here with both guys mirroring each others’ moves (the kicks, the missed flip attacks) but the execution was much, much worse than you would have expected from these two.

Post match Jericho says there’s a conspiracy against him so he wants Nash in a hair vs. hair match. This would have made a lot more sense after the earlier segment between the two and without the clean loss to Van Dam in between but this show has far bigger problems to get around.

Bischoff is smiling.

Kane is out of his van. Coach: “Is this why Bischoff is smiling???” And people think JR misses the obvious sometimes?

Eric Bischoff vs. Shane McMahon

Anything goes and Bischoff comes out carrying a kick pad for a karate demonstration. After that waste of time, we’re ready to go with both guys in street clothes. Actually hang on again because Shane has to dance. Bischoff kicks him down three times in a row without much effort but gets speared down for the famous Shane punches. Cue Kane for the brawl in the aisle with Shane getting the better of it because he’s a better fighter than Rob Van Dam or STEVE AUSTIN you see. Kane fights back and kicks Shane in the face, followed by a Tombstone on the steps to give Bischoff the pin.

Rating: F. Somehow this was an official match and somehow it was long enough to rate because of course it was. I’m really not sure why we’re not getting Shane vs. Kane at the pay per view because that’s clearly what makes sense here. I mean, I know you can’t just have Kane take Van Dam out again or something (or just have Van Dam not come back yet) because that’s just too complicated. Not a match of course but that’s best for everyone.

Lawler acts like Bischoff just won the World Title because this was a dream match remember. Bischoff celebrates forever (including getting two more three counts) to end the show.

Overall Rating: F. This was awful with nothing really good all night long. Between putting WAY too much emphasis on Shane vs. Eric, the completely illogical mess of the Van Dam/Kane/Shane stuff and the rather dumb changes to the main event (I know HHH was injured but I’m thinking he was healthy enough to take a spear and Jackhammer, then have the real match when he’s back to full strength), I have no idea what they think they accomplished here. Absolutely awful and one of the worst they’ve done in several months.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the Monday Nitro and Thunder Reviews Volume VI: July – December 1999 in e-book or paperback. Check out the information here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2017/11/22/new-book-kbs-monday-nitro-and-thunder-reviews-volume-vi/

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Monday Night Raw
Date: July 14, 2003
Location: Conseco Fieldhouse, Indianapolis, Indiana
Commentators: Jonathan Coachman, Jerry Lawler

So Kane is running around like a monster again and that could mean a lot of things. Well more likely it means Kane gets a big push and doesn’t win anything of note, but it’s still better than Kevin Nash. We also have Evolution back on the rise, albeit without any major challenger for HHH. Let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of Kane being motivated by Steve Austin last week, turning him back into the monster in the process.

Opening sequence.

It’s time for the Highlight Reel with a ticked off Chris Jericho. Enough is enough and it’s time for something to be done tonight. Raw has broken down into chaos over the last few weeks with superstars being attacked, grown men being terrified and even Jericho himself being scared. There’s one man who could save things though and that man is his guest tonight: Eric Bischoff, sporting a neck brace.

Jericho praises Bischoff’s courage for coming out here with Eric saying there was no way he was taking the suggested eight weeks off. Bischoff is back to deal with Kane, who has been running amok. He even has exclusive footage from last week with Kane attacking Rob Van Dam. As for tonight, Eric has sent JR to Connecticut to interview Kane but here’s Austin to cut him off. Austin was ready to deal with Kane tonight and if that means beating him up, so be it.

Bischoff doesn’t think much of the plan and puts the whole thing on Austin’s head for berating Kane a few weeks ago. Austin is ready to leave with no violence but Jericho opens his mouth and calls him worthless, earning a Stunner to give the fans something to cheer for. This was nearly fifteen minutes long and went pretty much nowhere.

Trish Stratus/Kevin Nash/Scott Steiner vs. Steven Richards/Test/Victoria

This is supposed to be a fair match? Steiner and Richards start things off, meaning it’s an early belly to belly suplex into the pushups. The women come in and Trish Matrixes into the Chick Kick for two. Test trips Trish up from the apron though and comes in for a clothesline. Victoria’s slingshot suplex gets two but a neckbeaker gets Trish out of trouble. It’s off to Nash, now billed as Big Nasty, for a big boot to Test’s face. The Jackknife ends Richards.

Rating: D. So we were really supposed to buy Test and Steven Richards as a match for two former World Champions? That’s the best they can do for a midcard match around here? The women were trying here but there was too much bad going around to really allow this to work. Well that and the uninteresting story and trying to set up what seems to be a Test vs. Nash feud.

Jericho demands Bischoff do something about Austin.

Lance Storm vs. Maven

Before the match, Storm threatens to sue the fans for chanting BORING. As weird as this might sound, Storm might be too boring to make this work. They hit the mat to start with the boring chants beginning early. Maven manages to botch a hiptoss so Storm goes down for two anyway. Storm gets all fired up and throws off his elbow pad as Lawler points out that no one has ever chanted BORING at him. We hit an armbar as the crowd just keeps dying.

Storm grabs a long chinlock to try and set something up, only to have Maven fight up with some weak clotheslines. Maven’s high crossbody is rolled thru but Maven rolls thru that for a sloppy two. The announcers aren’t exactly hiding how bad this is as Storm gets two of his own off a superkick. The Maple Leaf goes on and Maven grabs the rope before reversing the unbroken hold into a rollup for the pin.

Rating: F. It takes a lot to bring down Lance Storm, who is one of the most technically sound wrestlers you’ll find. Maven managed to do it though and that can’t be a huge surprise. Basically WWE is having a guy who would be just getting started on the indy circuit to come on Raw and have high level matches. That’s just dumb thinking and I have no idea why WWE kept putting him out there like this. You have a developmental system for a reason.

JR is ready to interview Kane.

Here’s La Resistance for a chat. They’re glad Bischoff is back because Austin held them off the show last week. Today is Bastille Day so let’s hit that French National Anthem. They’re still at it after a break until all three Dudleys, carrying the American flag, come in for the save. Grenier takes a 3D and the Dudleyz sing the Star Spangled Banner because the French National Anthem sucks.

Dudley Boyz vs. Evolution

Elimination rules. Bubba and Flair get things going with a backdrop sending Ric into his swearing fit. Ric flips Spike off to bring him in and a single slap gives us the Flair Flop. A dropkick makes things even worse but Flair pokes him in the eye to stop the nonsense. Orton comes in for his own dropkick which nearly clears Spike’s head. HHH gets in a few shots before it’s back to Orton, who is taken down this time.

Spike’s top rope double stomp connects and everything breaks down. The Dudley Dog is countered into an RKO for the first elimination and it’s looking bad for the brothers. A Doomsday Device plants Orton and Bubba splashes the other two in the corner. Maybe it’s not looking so bad. There’s What’s Up to HHH and a 3D to Orton (who shakes his head no as he’s falling into the cutter for a great touch) but Flair makes a save.

HHH is back up with a French flag shot to D-Von though and the elimination leaves Bubba all alone. D-Von leaves but Bubba calls him back to get the table. Dude GET YOUR OWN TABLES FOR ONCE! Referees cut him off though and we take a break. Back with Flair having to let go of a reversed Figure Four. Bubba fights up and hits HHH low, followed by a Bubba Bomb to Orton. HHH is laid out on a table at ringside but Flair makes a save, allowing the Pedigree to connect. Orton gets the final pin to wrap things up.

Rating: D+. The wrestling wasn’t much but they FINALLY gave Orton something here as he scored all three pins. They need to do something to make him look like a big deal and while this isn’t enough to pull the job off, it’s certainly a step in the right direction. Let him pick up the Intercontinental Title in the near future and things will be just fine for him.

Rob Van Dam tells Bischoff he wants Kane so the match is made for next week. Bischoff tells him to proceed with caution but Van Dam says he started this with Kane and next week he’ll finish it.

Jericho is gathering signatures on a petition to get rid of Austin. A bunch of people have signed but Tommy Dreamer seems hesitant.

Before the next match, Teddy Long says he and Rodney Mack signed the petition to get rid of Austin. There should be a black man replacing him, but Teddy can’t do it himself due to obligations to Players Inc. He has other ideas though, like Snoop Dogg or Johnnie Cochran.

Rodney Mack vs. Rosey

Rosey shoulders him down and hits a corner splash but Long breaks up the Samoan drop with a low blow to give Mack the fast pin.

Post match Hurricane comes in with a missile dropkick on Mack.

Evolution signs the petition.

Intercontinental Title: Booker T. vs. Christian

Booker is defending in the feud that won’t die. Some early forearms have Christian in trouble as Coach dares to question the power of the peepulation. A missile dropkick attempt is broken up and Booker is sent into the corner. Christian whips him into the steps for two and it’s time for the chinlock with a knee in Booker’s back. Booker fights up with a spinning kick to the face and a spinebuster for two as Lawler sings Christian’s praises.

We get a ref bump (here we go) and Christian hits the Unprettier for no count. A second ref comes in for the two and Christian isn’t happy with the near fall. He makes up for it with a rollup while grabbing ropes and the trunks for the pin and the title. That’s all well and good but the first referee gets up and says not so fast. Cue Austin to bring in a THIRD ref and restart the match so Booker can hit a quick ax kick to retain.

Rating: C-. I could live with this a little more if the matches weren’t so bad but these have been the very definition of average at best. The guys don’t have chemistry together and it becomes more clear every week. It also doesn’t help that there are a bunch of people who could use an Intercontinental Title feud (or even a match or two) and we’re stuck with this stuff over and over. It’s not awful but it’s been covered quite thoroughly.

Post match Christian beats up a referee so Austin runs back in for a Stunner.

Bischoff gets a call from Linda McMahon.

Kane gives JR a present but it’s left on a table for now.

Women’s Title: Gail Kim vs. Molly Holly

Gail is defending. They trade wristlocks to start with Gail wristdragging her out of the corner. Lawler asks Coach what he knows about Gail’s background. Coach: “Well I know she looks good.” I know it’s only been a few weeks but they probably should have more than just that to go on. Molly gets rolled up for two as Lawler talks about liking Molly’s high estrogen levels. Gail gets in a dropkick and a hurricanrana, followed by a second hurricanrana to retain.

Rating: D-. The commentary actually summed up the problem with Gail, and most of the women on the roster for that matter. Can someone tell me any details about almost any of the women? Molly is annoyed at almost everyone, Victoria is basically crazy, Trish is plucky, Jacqueline is loud, Ivory is….well her name is Ivory, and Gail is an attractive rookie. Am I really missing anything important? The match was terrible too as Gail showed the ability to do fewer moves than a banged up Kevin Nash.

JR opens his gift and finds….a gas can. If he makes fun of Kane once, he’ll be set on fire. Since security around here sucks, we go ahead with the interview. After JR sucks up to avoid a bad case of being burned alive, we see the same video that opened the show. Kane’s reactions to that: anger and hatred. He doesn’t understand why so many people want to see his face because it brings him pain.

JR brings up the lack of scars or horrible skin that Kane always talks about. Kane says JR sounds like the doctors from when he was a kid who told him to go see a shrink. The towel comes off as Kane keeps ranting about how much of a monster he is. JR says he sees a man who needs help so Kane asks him for help.

We get some Oklahoma psychiatry with JR saying no one cares what Kane looks like. That sets him off and screaming ensues, only to have Austin come into the arena to calm Kane down. I mean, I’m not sure how well that’s going to work when Austin is in Indianapolis and Kane is in Connecticut but I’m no Austin.

Kane yells at Austin and JR before punching the latter down. JR is lit on fire (I wonder if it would be wrong to ask him which kind of barbecue sauce would go best on him.) and put out rather slowly. Bischoff comes out to say this is Austin’s fault so Linda will be here to fire him next week. So yeah, a guy was just lit on fire (didn’t need to happen as Kane was nailing it before things got silly) but let’s cut back to the bickering bosses to end the show. You know, because THE GUY BEING LIT ON FIRE is totally forgettable.

Overall Rating: D. There are moments of acceptable on here but egads the bad stuff is really bad. It’s a bunch of horrible wrestling but the worse part is the lack of much of a direction. Why am I supposed to be interested in Test vs. Nash, Rosey vs. Mack and Storm vs. being boring? That’s really as good as they can get at this point? You can’t throw Goldberg out there for a squash just to wake the crowd up a little bit? A pay per view might help, but above all else they need something interesting just to give me something to look forward to on these shows. As usual, really boring show with almost nothing worth seeing.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the Monday Nitro and Thunder Reviews Volume VI: July – December 1999 in e-book or paperback. Check out the information here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2017/11/22/new-book-kbs-monday-nitro-and-thunder-reviews-volume-vi/

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Monday Night Raw
Date: June 30, 2003
Location: HSBC Arena, Buffalo, New York
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

We’re closing out the first half of the year with the big story of Kane losing his mask. After the better part of six years with no one knowing what he looked like, Kane lost his mask last week in a match given one whole week of build up. You know, on the show that has needed back to back Kevin Nash pay per view main events. Let’s get to it.

We open with a long recap of the end of last week’s show, including Kane laying out Rob Van Dam with a chokeslam.

Opening sequence.

Chris Jericho is in the ring for the Highlight Reel. While everyone has been talking about Kane, let’s have a beauty instead of a beast. Therefore, his guest tonight is Stacy Keibler, who comes out with Scott Steiner, much to Jericho’s chagrin. Before we get going, Steiner removes her garter. Jericho asks Steiner to leave and I’ll let you figure out how that goes.

We move on to Stacy’s photo shoot for Stuff Magazine and Lawler rather likes the pictures. Jericho hits on Stacy and calls himself legendary. Stacy makes references to Jericho being, ahem, legendarily small.  That’s enough for Jericho to bring out Test as his second guest so the beatdown can ensue. Eric Bischoff comes out to call it off and say that he’s in charge tonight because Steve Austin isn’t here. As for the people in the ring, it’s Steiner/Stacy vs. Test/Jericho.

Here’s Lance Storm to say that he is NOT boring, and he has the dictionary definition to prove it. This doesn’t go far as some music cuts him off.

Goldberg vs. Lance Storm

And no match as Rodney Mack jumps Goldberg from behind. Not that it matters as a spear cuts Mack in half and the Jackhammer (Jackknife as JR says) has Teddy Long hopping mad.

Bischoff is in the back with Kane, who has a towel over his head. Eric wants Kane to address the people in the name of ratings. Kane shakes his head no so Bischoff offers him a World Title shot tonight. That’s still no so Bischoff gives RVD the title shot instead. If Kane doesn’t go out into the arena though, he’s fired.

Women’s Title: Battle Royal

Trish Stratus, Victoria, Jazz, Ivory, Molly Holly, Jacqueline, Gail Kim

Jazz is defending and this is Gail’s debut. It’s a brawl to start with Gail hitting a decent looking hurricanrana on Molly. Ivory is catapulted out, making the last few weeks of her defeating Jazz over and over pretty much a waste of time. Jazz gets hurt somewhere in there and is taken out by the trainers (she would be out until December with a shoulder injury, which may be why it’s this instead of a regular match).

Molly and Jacqueline are out too and we’re down to Gail, Trish and Victoria in less than two minutes. The Stratusphere is broken up and Trish is knocked out, leaving Gail to armdrag Victoria. A powerbomb attempt is countered into a hurricanrana to put Victoria out and make Gail champion.

Rating: D-. I’m guessing that was due to Jazz’s shoulder injury and if so, that’s fine. Gail winning the title was a nice little surprise, though it’s not like it matters much anyway. The division isn’t going to get better without something resembling a story and this isn’t exactly thrilling. Somehow this is the only title Gail would win in WWE. You would have expected her to win another just by the amount of time she was around but somehow it never happened.

Intercontinental Title: Booker T. vs. Christian

Christian is defending and jumps Booker in the aisle before the bell. They head into the crowd with Booker beating Christian around as referees can’t break it up. We’re joined in progress after a break with Booker slugging away and getting two off a backdrop. Christian snaps the back of Booker’s neck across the ropes though and we hit the chinlock.

The second version keeps Booker down again as JR and King talk about how Test can do ANYTHING he wants to Stacy tonight because it’s a wrestling match. You know, because there are no rules to a wrestling match at all. Back up and Booker misses the side kick into the ropes, setting up a backbreaker for two. Christian dives into a side kick though and both guys are down with Christian’s stunned face being a nice bonus. Another kick to the face gets two but the Book End is broken up.

The ax kick is countered into a rollup with trunks for two but Booker plants him with a flapjack. But first, a Spinarooni. Booker gets crotched on top so Christian superplexes him down, right into the small package to give Booker the pin and the title. I’m not even going to bother going to the rating as Bischoff comes out to say all four shoulders were down. Therefore it’s a draw and Christian retains the title.

Rating: C. This is another good example of a feud where they don’t know how to just get it over with already and it’s making for a bad story. Booker vs. Christian is fine for a once off but this is several weeks now with nothing being all that great in the first place. Get to something else already or just give Booker the title.

RVD goes to try and talk some sanity into Kane but Kane says he hates the fans. Rob hopes Kane doesn’t hate him when he wins the title. He leaves, and Kane says he does hate him.

Stacy Keibler/Scott Steiner vs. Chris Jericho/Test

Steiner and Jericho get things going (you want to save the Test vs. Steiner money match for later) with Chris being shoved down like he’s nothing. A belly to belly powerslam plants Jericho and Steiner starts in with the swearing. It’s off to Test, who JR thinks has no testicular fortitude. A suplex tosses Test but he’s right back with a clothesline to put Steiner on the floor.

The slow double teaming begins until Jericho misses a charge and crotches himself on the ropes. There’s no one for Steiner to tag though so Test decks him again and stops for some jumping jacks. Test crotches himself though and Stacy bounces the ropes up and down for some bad measure. Jericho comes in and shoves the referee down….but here’s Bischoff to say restart it as a No DQ match. A chair to the head puts Steiner down and Test forces Stacy to tag Steiner. That means a pumphandle powerslam to give Test the easy pin a few seconds later.

Rating: F. Do you get the idea yet? I didn’t know if the last few weeks had explained the concept so far but WWE seems rather fine with hammering it into your head over and over. JR is getting insufferable with his SOMEONE HELP THE HELPLESS WOMAN stuff too and I continue to question why what could be a good story is being wasted on Test and Scott Steiner. This just kept going and it never approached entertaining.

Rico vs. Maven

Rico grabs a quick pinch of the trunks to start and Lawler wants to know if Maven liked it. A cartwheel earns a nose rub from Miss Jackie but Rico needs to stop and pull his room key out of his tights. With Rico taking forever to bend over and get the key, Maven tries a sunset flip, earning himself a sit on the face. Rico kisses his way out of a headlock as the beating you over the head motif continues.

In case that’s not enough, we stop for some dancing with the referee. Maven finally blocks a middle rope ax handle and hits some clotheslines as JR tries to say the fans are stunned into silence. The middle rope bulldog gets two with Jackie putting the boot on the ropes. That and a shove off the top sets up the spinning kick to end Maven.

Rating: F-. Let me guess: Vince found this hilarious and the shots of Jackie split pants were enough to validate the character. This was HORRIBLE with every low level gay joke you can imagine in one match. It comes off as a case of “well, he did something similar once so let’s turn it way up this time”. It’s a total waste of Rico and that’s quite the shame.

Randy Orton vs. Tommy Dreamer

This is fallout from Orton beating up Mick Foley last week. Dreamer wastes no time in taking him to the floor for a fight, only to have Orton whip him into the steps. Back in and Orton gets two off a hard whip into the corner. Well he’s no Whipper Billy Watson. The always great dropkick gets two more but Dreamer grabs a Sky High of all things for the same. There’s the DDT but Flair puts the foot underneath the ropes. The tease of Flair vs. Dreamer (which sounds oddly fascinating) is enough for the RKO (I believe debuting the name) and the pin on Tommy.

Rating: D. They’re clearly trying to do something with Orton and that’s the right idea. He’s everything you could want out of a prospect and the good finisher makes things even better. It’s easy to see why he became the star he would become but he’s still needing the big win to get him over the hill.

Bischoff tells Van Dam that if Kane doesn’t come out, it’s on Rob’s head.

Post break, Bischoff sends Terri to get Kane’s thoughts. She doesn’t want to so Bischoff threatens another firing.

La Resistance vs. Hurricane/Spike Dudley

Non-title. Is Spike really an upgrade over fat Sgt. Slaughter? Hurricane starts with Dupree and let’s hit that French dance! Some armdrags have Rene in trouble and Hurricane does a little dance of his own. It’s off to Spike and we hit that BORING chant. A backdrop over the top to the floor calms them down but only gets two with JR being impressed by the kickout. Spike gets in a bulldog and the hot tag brings in Hurricane to no reaction. Everything breaks down and Spike hits a top rope double stomp for two. Grenier breaks up the chokeslam though and it’s the double spinebuster to end Spike.

Rating: D-. Can you blame the fans for not caring? The French guys aren’t exactly thrilling in the first place and it’s pretty hard to care if you see Spike Dudley coming out for a match like this. It wasn’t even any good as they had all of four minutes out there, which was hardly worth the time. You know, aside from filling out the show of course.

Terri can’t find Kane.

Raw World Title: HHH vs. Rob Van Dam

HHH is defending and decks Van Dam before the bell. Some more right hands have Rob in trouble early on as HHH seems to be feeling the slow pace tonight. A monkey flip and some kicks to the head have JR way too excited. Really man we’re not even five minutes into this. Calm down already. Rob gets two off a dropkick and it’s time to head outside. There’s a baseball slide followed by a middle rope moonsault to put both guys down. Cue Flair as we take a break.

Back with Rob stomping away and kicking him in the head for good measure. A chop block lets HHH start in on the knee though with Flair wrapping it around the post for good measure. We hit the standard package of knee work, including HHH bringing back the Indian deathlock. You know, for reasons. Rob grabs the rope so we’ll try the Figure Four instead as HHH flashes all the way to 1984.

The hold is turned over and there’s just no reaction from the fans. Rob fights up with more kicks and a springboard crossbody gets two. A spinning kick hits HHH’s hands for two and there’s the split legged moonsault but Flair breaks it up again. The Five Star connects but this time Flair comes in with a belt shot for…..not the ending as Bischoff comes out AGAIN and restarts it as a No DQ match.

A quick Van Daminator on the floor has HHH down and Bischoff makes it hardcore for fun. Rob’s standing moonsault on the floor gets two until Orton comes in for the save (with the referee looking for him after every count). Van Dam chases HHH to the stage and gets two off Rolling Thunder. Flair comes back though and it’s a belt shot into a DDT on the stage to retain the title.

Rating: D. You know, for someone who prides himself on being a student of the game and all that jazz, HHH really doesn’t know much more than one way to get through a match. This was your usual twenty minutes of interference and HHH doing boring leg work that doesn’t get anyone’s attention until the obvious finish. At least they didn’t go with what I would have thought was the obvious Kane interference ending.

Post match Kane comes out, teases going after Van Dam, and chokeslams Bischoff off the stage to end the show.

Overall Rating: D–. This was a rough one as Austin really does do some positive things for the show. The biggest issue here is the middle section with the lame mixed tag and the really, really bad Rico match. That stuff isn’t funny and isn’t going to get anyone over so we’re stuck with seeing it over and over again. It’s not the worst show in the world as it was mainly a wrestling edition instead of a long talking segment but the bad stuff was absolutely awful.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the Monday Nitro and Thunder Reviews Volume VI: July – December 1999 in e-book or paperback. Check out the information here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2017/11/22/new-book-kbs-monday-nitro-and-thunder-reviews-volume-vi/

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Monday Night Raw
Date: June 23, 2003
Location: Madison Square Garden, New York City, New York
Attendance: 14,451
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

We’re in the World’s Most Famous Arena for one of the weaker stretches in WWE history. However, there’s a heck of a main event tonight as HHH defends the World Title against Kane in a champion vs. mask match. That’s an area that we’ve touched on over the years with Kane but the idea of HHH actually losing the title doesn’t seem likely anytime soon. Something’s got to give so let’s get to it.

Opening sequence.

Scott Steiner/Booker T. vs. Test/Christian

Two feuds in one is often a good way to go. Christian takes Booker into the corner for some right hands before the much taller Canadian gets to do the same. Test mocks Steiner’s pushups and the delay allows Booker to hit the spinning kick to the face. The hot tag brings in Steiner to toss people around, including sending Christian out to the floor. Test grabs Stacy though, earning himself a slap. He shoves Steiner into her though and, since WWE Divas have the weakest ankles ever, Stacy twists her ankle. Booker and Christian take each other out, allowing Test to boot Steiner in the face for the pin.

Rating: D. This Test vs. Steiner feud is getting worse and worse every single week. Test beating up Mae Young last week helped him a little, though his complete lack of talking skills and charisma hold him back a lot. Booker and Christian were glorified window dressing here, which shouldn’t be the case for the Intercontinental Title feud.

Kane looks around stoically as we look at his debut in 1997.

Teddy Long and Christopher Nowinski come out to talk about how unfairly Chris has been treated. He’s been discriminated against due to his intelligence, which is the only reason he didn’t win Tough Enough. It’s thuggin and buggin time.

Maven vs. Christopher Nowinski

Maven reverses a suplex into a rollup and wins in thirty seconds with a rollup.

Evolution arrived earlier.

It’s time for the Highlight Reel with Chris Jericho ripping on the New York fans. He wants to talk about Steve Austin interrupting Lance Storm’s match last week to call him boring. Storm is the guest tonight and he has a prepared statement. No one enjoys a good laugh more than he does but Austin crossed a line last week. His in-ring abilities should be more than enough to entertain people and if you want bells and whistles, go to the circus. Therefore, please stop chanting BORING.

At the end of the statement though, here are some movers to take away the set. Austin comes up on screen to say they’re boring Madison Square Garden to death. Instead of reading prepared statements and Jericho annoying him in general, let’s have a tag team match right now.

Chris Jericho/Lance Storm vs. Dudley Boyz

The Canadians jump them during the entrances until the Dudleys run Storm over and toss him outside. We settle down to Bubba hammering away until Jericho trips him from the floor. The running crotch attack to the back connects and a belly to back suplex makes it even worse. Storm’s boring leg lariat sets up a chinlock before it’s back to Jericho for a quickly broken Walls.

It’s another chinlock and there go those chants again. Storm switches to a sleeper and Lawler can’t help but make boring jokes. Bubba gets out with a suplex and makes the hot tag to D-Von. Everything breaks down with a neckbreaker to both Canadians. Jericho gets flapjacked and What’s Up hits Storm but the table request takes too long. It’s Storm coming back in with the springboard clothesline for two on D-Von, only to have the 3D put Storm away in short order.

Rating: B-. They were moving out there, but the boring stuff got annoying in a hurry. I kind of get what they’re going for there but at the same time it’s hardly the most logical move in the world to get someone over. Also, Storm is now a combination of boring and a loser. Maybe it’s a long term project but my goodness it’s taking a questionable road to get there.

We look back at Evolution stealing Kane’s mask five months ago.

Randy Orton and Ric Flair mock Mick Foley’s Tietam Brown in the traditional not so subtle plug. Their goal for tonight is to have HHH retain the title.

Here are La Resistance to sing the French National Anthem. This rendition makes me long for the days of Nikolai Volkoff though as singing certainly isn’t their strong point, which I think is kind of the point. However, it’s about to get worse.

La Resistance vs. Sgt Slaughter/Hurricane

Non-title. Sarge is looking huge but the fans definitely respond to him. Hurricane dives off the top onto Grenier, leaving Slaughter to knock Dupree around. We hit the cobra clutch for a second until Dupree makes a rope. Grenier uses the distraction to get in a belt shot for the fast pin. Hurricane was never in the match.

We look at Austin trying to fire Kane up a few weeks ago. This is treated as one of Kane’s memory (complete with the screen getting all wavy as it ends), meaning we now have a camera in his head. Somehow this isn’t quite the surprise.

Here’s Austin for an announcement: Wrestlemania XX is coming to Madison Square Garden. As for tonight though, he’d like to have Mick Foley come out here right now. He knows Foley is going out on a book tour and yes he’d like an autographed copy. Before he goes though, Austin has a little gift. After Foley steps away to avoid a Stunner, Austin brings out some people who used to wrestle in ECW with a framed Hardcore Title. He’s not done though as we get a music video about Foley with quite the set of highlights. Foley: “I almost forgot how good I was!”

Before he can go anywhere else though, here’s Vince McMahon to interrupt. Vince brings up Foley saying he would never be back here again yet here he is. That’s not cool with Vince from a personal standpoint but from a professional standpoint, it’s something else. Therefore, Vince has two words for Foley: thank you.

Foley shakes his hand but wants a hug, much to Vince’s annoyance. He used to mock wrestlers for crying during their great moments but that’s the case right now. We get the required cheap pop and Al Snow joke, Foley talks about the Snuka vs. Muraco match where he knew what he wanted to do for the rest of his life. In the words of Dorothy Gale, there’s no place like home, so he hopes he’ll be welcome back in a WWE ring at some point again. One last thing: in the words of Frosty the Snowman (noted hardcore philosopher), “I’ll say goodbye, but don’t you cry. I’ll be back again someday.”

It’s kind of random to have Foley show up less than a month ago and then have a big goodbye ceremony but this felt like a big way to make up for the way he left before. Foley deserves a big sendoff like this and I’m glad to see it be such a nice moment. At least he went out on good terms for once, which isn’t always the case.

Shawn Michaels/Kevin Nash vs. Ric Flair/Randy Orton

Shawn chops away at Flair to start so it’s off to Orton to trade right hands. Nash gets the side slam on Orton, followed by the framed elbows to Flair in the corner. With Evolution on the floor, Shawn hits a slingshot corkscrew dive to take them out and we go to a break after a rather pedestrian first part.

Back with Shawn getting stomped down by Orton and starting in on the arm. Flair comes in for an armbar of his own, which looks so out of place from him. Even more armbarring from Orton goes nowhere as I’m longing for more Slaughter to energize this tag match. A collision allows for the hot tag to Nash to clean a few rooms of the house.

Flair saves Orton from the Jackknife and it’s a double clothesline to put Evolution down. That’s enough from Nash so it’s back to the winded Shawn as they’ve managed to bore New York City. Sweet Chin Music is blocked but Orton is sent outside. The top rope elbow hits Flair and Sweet Chin Music is good for the easy pin.

Rating: D-. What in the world was that supposed to be? No one in the match looked interested in being there and it was eight minutes of lame arm work. Nash barely did anything and Orton was just there for the sake of being there. In other words, this might as well have been Shawn vs. Flair II, though I’m not sure how much good it was going to be. I have no idea what was wrong here as they’re definitely capable of better.

Video of Kane agreeing to the match last week.

The fans think Kane will win the title 56% to 44%, which surprises JR.

Foley signed a book to Vince but Evolution comes in with Foley getting beaten down at Orton’s hands. A bottle to the head cuts Foley off and Orton kicks him down the stairs. Vince sees him down and says he needs a janitor to get Foley up.

Here are Teddy Long and Rodney Mack for another FIVE MINUTE WHITE BOY CHALLENGE!

Goldberg vs. Rodney Mack

Knees to the ribs (no spear) and the Jackhammer end Mack faster than Maven beat Nowinski. Well that woke them up.

Rob Van Dam gives Kane a pep talk and Kane breaks a mirror he’s been looking into all night.

We get a Wrestlemania Recall, which isn’t from New York City. It is however of Stephanie, with HHH Pedigreeing her at XVIII.

Raw World Title: HHH vs. Kane

Kane is challenging and it’s mask vs. title. They start fast with HHH being sent into the corner and getting caught in a choke. There’s no slam quite yet though so Kane takes him outside and sends him into the steps instead. Flair gets in the ring for a distraction though and HHH scores with a chair to the head.

Back from a break with HHH scoring with a spinebuster before botching a DDT. Thankfully Kane sits straight up so HHH pulls him down by the hair (called a neckbreaker) for the same level of effectiveness. A powerslam gives Kane two and the top rope clothesline connects….only to bump the ref. He’s not bumped well enough though so Kane runs him over for good measure.

Flair tries to bring in the belt to no avail as Kane knocks HHH silly for two instead from a second referee. HHH’s low blow into the Pedigree gets two and Kane sends HHH into Flair. The chokeslam is loaded up but Orton comes in with a low blow and the RKO. The second Pedigree retains the title.

Rating: D. So this was basically a pay per view main event match with HHH going with the exact same style he’s used for about nine months now. I remember being stunned that they actually had Kane lose his mask but it’s not like he had anything else going on at the moment. Of course this could have been something they actually took time to set up but why do that when you can rush it in a week? For MSG? Eh, fair enough, though there could have been a bigger moment for such a big deal.

Post match Eric Bischoff comes out to say Kane has to unmask right now. He reaches for the chin strap but HHH hits him from behind with the belt. Van Dam comes in to save Kane (WHERE WAS HE FIVE MINUTES AGO???) and it’s a chokeslam to Orton, followed by the Five Star. Kane loads up the ring post pyro but stops and eventually unmasks. Most of his hair comes off with it, revealing a heavily make-uped face that I guess was supposed to be his horrible burns. Kane chokeslams a stunned Van Dam to end the show.

Overall Rating: D. Other than the rather good match designed to make Lance Storm seem boring and the genuinely great Foley ceremony, there wasn’t much on this show of value. Above all though, they came up with an angle where Kane gets unmasked and blew it off in the span of a week. I get the idea of popping a rating but what about popping a pay per view buy rate instead? Would Kane vs. HHH, mask vs. title, inside the Cell have been a worse idea than HHH vs. Nash? Anyway, this had a few good parts but they’re bogged down by some rather bad thinking.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the Updated History of the Intercontinental Title in E-Book or Paperback. Check out the information here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2017/10/02/new-paperback-kbs-history-of-the-intercontinental-title-updated-version/

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Bad Blood 2003
Date: June 15, 2003
Location: Compaq Center, Houston, Texas
Attendance: 10,000
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

It’s the first single brand pay per view and the question is can WWE manage to come up with ANYTHING better than what they’ve been doing on TV. They’ve basically punted on Kevin Nash as a main eventer, bringing in Mick Foley with the hopes that he and the Cell can save interest in the show. Let’s get to it.

The opening video looks at the three top stories: the main event, Goldberg vs. Chris Jericho and the Steve Austin vs. Eric Bischoff. That’s the top of their card, with Ric Flair vs. Shawn Michaels not getting any significant attention.

Dudley Boyz vs. Christopher Nowinski/Rodney Mack

Earlier tonight, Nowinski asked D-Von why the white brother was always the one saying get the tables. D-Von thought about it because 2003 is a year of bad storylines. Mack hammers on D-Von to start and the fans already want tables. Bubba comes in for some right hands to Chris’ ribs, which makes sense instead of hitting him in the metal face guard. He will however slam the back of Nowinski’s head into the mat though and the Dudleys clear the ring without too much effort.

Back in and Mack trips D-Von down for a crotching against the post. We hit a chinlock for a bit until Nowinski drops a knee for two. A middle rope elbow misses though and the hot tag brings in Bubba to clean house. Everything breaks down and Nowinski misses a mask shot. Mack can’t get the Black Out so it’s What’s Up and a table request but D-Von has second thoughts. The distraction lets Nowinski hit Bubba with the mask for the pin.

Rating: D. Just a TV match here and that’s not a good sign. The last few weeks have shown how uninteresting most of the feuds have been and this one being thrown together on the last Raw didn’t help things. The team has only been back together about eight months and we’ve seen how lame they were apart so teasing another split or even issues isn’t a good sign.

The announcers recap the pie eating contest of the Redneck Triathlon.

Now we see the pie eating being set up on Raw.

Earlier tonight, Bischoff and Austin spun the wheel to pick a burping contest.

And now, the burping contest, held in the back. They each get three burps and Austin is doing jumping jacks. Bischoff goes first and is outclassed by Austin and his canned burp. Round two is the same thing and so is the third as Austin wins as I’m sure the live audience is so happy they paid to watch this on a screen. Total time spent on this so far: 4:13 (minus recaps and announcers talking about it).

Test vs. Scott Steiner

The winner gets Stacy Keibler as manager. Test can’t even manage to jump Steiner as he’s watching Stacy get into the ring and it’s Scott taking over inside. They head outside again with Test sending him into the steps, earning a YOU SUCK chant as lead by Stacy. Back in and Test mocks the pushups, followed by a sleeper. The first belly to belly sends Test hovering (wasn’t quite flying) and the backdrop/powerslam gets two. Steiner’s reverse DDT gets the same but Test is right back with a pumphandle powerslam.

Stacy gets on the apron and accidentally distracts Steiner into a big boot. That’s only two as well because we just get to keep going. King: “Stacy was almost orgasmic when Steiner kicked out!” JR: “WHAT???” Test goes for a chair but shoves Stacy down first. Back in and Test’s chair shot hits the rope and bounces back onto his own head, setting up the Downward Spiral to give Steiner the pin.

Rating: D. The TV matches continue but this time we had a bad story to go with it. Well that and Lawler sounding like an annoying twelve year old, as was his custom. Neither guy is over with the crowd and the real star is Stacy, who isn’t exactly a driving force in the company these days. This was another match that didn’t need to be on pay per view.

Austin and Bischoff are in front of a tractor and talk about the pie eating. Bischoff has some women ready to assist him and they’re all rather good looking. They agree that Bischoff gets to go first but Austin gets to pick the flavor of pie. Can we just get to the sight gag already?

Intercontinental Title: Christian vs. Booker T.

Christian is defending after screwing Booker, the hometown boy, out of the title in a battle royal last month. An armdrag only seems to annoy Booker, who claps the fans back to life. Booker grabs a headlock to take him down as Lawler wonders if there will be leftovers in the pie eating contest. Christian charges into a spinebuster for the first two but he gets Booker outside for a shot into the steps.

As you might expect, we hit the chinlock for a bit as the crowd dies again. Back up and Christian dives into a flapjack, followed by a stun gun. Booker grabs Christian’s reverse DDT for two, followed by Christian getting the same off a Bookend. The threat of an ax kick sends Christian outside so he can try for an intentional countout. That’s fine with the referee, who says if Christian gets counted out, he’ll forfeit the title. Christian comes back in and hits Booker with the belt for the DQ instead.

Rating: D+. Bad finish aside, it’s easily the match of the night, mainly due to the talent involved actually being people worth watching. However, it doesn’t help that we’re three matches and forty minutes in and we haven’t exactly had anything pay per view worthy to cheer for. The Dudleys win a lot of nothing tag matches and Steiner getting Stacy is hardly important. Now we have this feud continuing for another month or so. Booker winning the title would have given the crowd gets another disappointment instead.

It’s time for part two of the Redneck Triathlon with this event taking place in the ring. Bischoff is rather smug about the pie he’ll be having but Austin brings up Bischoff saying he liked mature women. The four women in the back show up on screen but instead Austin brings out Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young. Lawler: “WE SAID PIE! NOT CHEESECAKE!” This is hardly funny nor the biggest surprise in the world but it was the only option they were going to go with here, other than someone in drag or Rikishi.

Bischoff refuses so Austin declares himself the winner, which isn’t cool with Eric. Mae kisses him, which isn’t enough for Austin. Instead it’s a low blow and a Bronco Buster, but only after Mae pulls off her skirt to reveal a thong. Bischoff says it’s Austin’s turn but he has to warm up first….and then he Stuns Mae and forfeits. Beer is consumed as this is somehow an even bigger waste of time than I was expecting it to be. Total time spent on the Triathlon tonight: 15:46 (not counting backstage segments).

Gail Kim is coming, which just reminds me that we can’t get a Women’s Title match on the card tonight because we needed that mess.

We recap Kane not helping Rob Van Dam on Raw.

La Resistance insults Texas.

Tag Team Titles: La Resistance vs. Rob Van Dam/Kane

Van Dam and Kane are defending. Rob and Rene start things off with a headlock having the Frenchman in trouble. An interruption of the finger poke earns Dupree a spinning kick to the face and a crossbody for an early two. Evil French cheating lets Dupree get in a DDT for two and Rob is in trouble. Rob kicks his way to freedom (that’s AMERICAN freedom) and it’s off to Kane to clean house.

A choke drop to Dupree and a side slam on Grenier are good for two, followed by the top rope clothesline for the same. With Rob watching on, a neckbreaker/clothesline combination gets two on Kane. Since that’s a lame finisher, Kane is right back up and launching Rob off the top for the kick to Dupree’s chest. Rob’s big flip dive hits everyone but only Kane gets knocked down. Back in and the double spinebuster gives La Resistance the titles.

Rating: D. Much like earlier, this could have been on any given episode of Raw, which is a major problem on this show. The French guys are as generic of a team as any but it’s better than having Lance Storm and Chief Morely thrown together and boring the heck out of everyone. Van Dam and Kane had a longer shelf life but they were losing the belts to someone like La Resistance eventually so just doing it here is acceptable enough. It might have been better if La Resistance had been built up a bit better, but who were they supposed to beat to do that?

We recap Chris Jericho vs. Goldberg. Jericho tried to have Goldberg run over due to jealousy over Goldberg’s success in WCW. Goldberg found out, meaning it’s time for Jericho to die. Chris made it even worse by ruining Goldberg’s car and spearing him, because I guess he doesn’t mind extreme pain.

Chris Jericho vs. Goldberg

A lockup has Jericho in trouble as they fall outside in a hurry. Back in and a World’s Strongest Slam plants Chris but he gets in a few shots in the corner. That’s fine with Goldberg, who gorilla press crotches him on the top instead. They head outside again with the spear going through the barricade to give Jericho his best chance. Goldberg’s shoulder is banged up so Jericho is smart enough to send it into the post. Back in and Goldberg, who is bleeding from the forehead, has his arm wrapped around the ropes. A DDT on the arm sets up a Fujiwara armbar but Goldberg pops up without too much effort.

Since the arm isn’t working, a superkick drops Jericho, who comes right back with another arm takedown. The Lionsault gets two (as always) and a weaker than usual spear puts Jericho down. The referee gets poked in the eye though and a low blow takes Goldberg down. Jericho grabs the Walls but Goldberg powers out, setting up a spear with the good shoulder. The Jackhammer ends Jericho as we finally have a match break ten minutes.

Rating: C+. Match of the night by a mile or two and it’s not even anything great. They were pretty much copying Goldberg vs. Diamond Dallas Page from Halloween Havoc 1998 (nothing wrong with that) but there’s only so much you can do when Page had one home run move with the Diamond Cutter and Jericho only has the Lionsault. It’s a good match though, and that’s what this show needed, desperately.

There’s a pig pen set up for the last part of the Triathlon.

They spin the wheel again….and it’s a Sing Off. Austin knows he’s in trouble and Bischoff gloats.

We recap Shawn Michaels vs. Ric Flair, which is easily the best thing going over the last few weeks. Shawn has been trying to convince Flair that he’s still great because Shawn grew up idolizing him. Flair seemed to buy into it and gave HHH a good match, only to turn on Shawn again and set up this match. The promos have been outstanding and if they do the match the justice it deserves, it could be excellent.

Shawn Michaels vs. Ric Flair

They strut it out to start until Shawn takes him down and walks over Flair’s back. A good slap puts Flair down again and a clothesline puts him on the floor for a dive. Back in and Shawn chops away, followed by some right hands in the corner. The referee tries to get Shawn off of him, allowing Ric to score with a chop block and take over. We’re already off to the Figure Four and Shawn is in trouble, though I don’t think many people are actually worried.

Shawn makes the rope so Flair shoves the referee, earning a stern lecture. An enziguri gives Shawn a breather but he gets elbowed in the jaw. Flair gets slammed off the top so Shawn tries the Figure Four, only to get a finger in the eye. Ric goes up again but gets clotheslined out of the air to give Shawn another opening. The crowd is oddly silent here, which might be due to the fact that they’re only ten minutes into the match. A superplex brings Flair down and….let’s get the most unnecessary table in recent memory.

Shawn puts Flair on the table but has to drop an interfering Randy Orton. That’s enough for the top rope splash through the table and both guys are down. Back in and Flair kicks both Shawn and the referee low at the same time. Shawn hits the forearm and top rope elbow sets up Sweet Chin Music, only to have Orton chair him in the head. Flair is pulled on top for the easy pin.

Rating: B-. They were getting there but the table felt so far out of left field. It’s completely fine to make this about Orton but having him run in with the chair instead of getting taken down before the table spot made him look like a bumbling lackey at first. The other problem is you can only get so much out of a match that’s just over fourteen minutes long and had a lot spent on the table stuff and interference. Still good though.

Ad for Freddie Blassie’s book.

It’s time for the final part of the Triathlon. Bischoff goes first and lip syncs his theme song until Austin comes on screen and calls him out for it. Therefore Bischoff has to sing it himself and of course it’s awful. Since that’s basically a loss and Austin can’t do any better, we’ll spin the wheel again. Austin stops it on Pig Pen Fun and thank goodness we already have a pen set up. Since Austin is still in the back, the fans are deputized to keep Bischoff in the arena. Bischoff: “I un-deputize every one of you!”

A fan throws Bischoff back to ringside and here’s Austin to punch Bischoff out. Austin takes him into the ring for a beating and a Stunner. Bischoff is taken up to the stage and thrown into the pen so beer can be consumed. Total time spent on the Triathlon: 25:49, not counting all the backstage stuff which probably brings it over thirty minutes. That’s more than twice what Flair vs. Michaels got, which really doesn’t instill me with confidence.

They could have done these three things maybe in ten minutes total but they stretched it out WAY longer than it needed to be. What did this accomplish anyway? Austin humiliates Bischoff and they still don’t get along? We established that the second they were on screen together and have reminded us of it every time since. This wasn’t particularly funny and just kept going, making a show that wasn’t good in the first place even worse.

The Cell is lowered.

We recap HHH vs. Kevin Nash, which is still going for reasons of it’s the Kliq, who we were all just begging to see again. Nash beat the heck out of HHH at the last pay per view so we’re having a rematch in the Cell with Mick Foley as referee to try and salvage some interest. Nash just is not working in the main event and even WWE seems to know it by this point (he was barely on Raw while HHH and Foley carried the build) so hopefully this gets rid of him once and for all.

Raw World Title: HHH vs. Kevin Nash

Inside the Cell. Nash is challenging and scores with a big boot to put HHH on the floor to start. That’s a little too intense for Nash though and he takes him back inside for some right hands. Now that’s more Nash’s speed. Nash shoves HHH into Foley as JR says not many people can beat Nash in a straight up fist fight. I’m not sure I’d buy him being able to beat either people in the ring with him in a fight but that’s just me. A big whip sends HHH into the Cell wall and Nash gets two off a side slam.

Nash goes with some chair shots as Lawler wonders why there’s a chair inside the Cell. They head outside again with Nash moving a cameraman out of the way. The cameraman actually says “oh pardon me”, making him the most polite wrestling employee I’ve ever heard. HHH goes into the steps before Nash throws them at his head. They only hit the wall but at least it sounded good.

HHH finally gets in some right hands for a breather before pulling out…..a hammer, which he uses to hit Nash in the knee. Now normally that would probably break something, but Nash is a manly man. A hammer shot TO THE HEAD puts Nash down long enough for Foley to get in a shoving match with HHH. Nash is busted open but alive, which is more than most would have from being HIT IN THE HEAD WITH A HAMMER.

The cut is raked over the wall and now, let’s bring in a screwdriver. That’s jabbed into the hands covering Nash’s head for a little more blood, but we need more toys. HHH pulls out the barbed wire 2×4 but Nash gets in some right hands. Nash hits him in the head with the board and HHH is busted as well (in better fashion too). Snake Eyes onto the barbed wire on the buckle draws even more blood and a HHH covering Booker at Wrestlemania delayed two count.

The steps are thrown in again but HHH comes back with a wooden crate to the face for the stop. HHH finds the sledgehammer, which Foley takes it away. That rightfully earns him a shot to the head (Foley had no business interfering there) but Nash grabs a drop toehold to send HHH into the steps. A kick to the leg cuts Nash down again and HHH chairs them both in the head.

The bloody Foley pulls out Mr. Socko, which is broken up by a low blow. Nash accidentally hits them both with the steps so there’s no count, only to have HHH ram Nash into Foley into the wall (for the expected great bump). The Jackknife gets two but Nash can’t follow up. A sledgehammer to the head sets up the Pedigree to retain HHH’s title.

Rating: C-. Really, it’s not even terrible. The Cell didn’t need to be there as this could have been a street fight but that doesn’t sell as many pay per views (nothing wrong with that line of thinking). The problem here though is Nash could have shot HHH in the chest and not pinned him here and that was obvious from the start. It could have been much worse but that’s not enough to validate two months of completely uninteresting build to get here. It’s far from the worst Cell match ever (those shows from the last few years had some awful ten minute Cell matches) but it’s one of the least interesting and that to me is worse.

We’re off the air after two hours and thirty two minutes for one of the earliest endings in company history.

Overall Rating: D-. It’s a really, really bad show but it’s far from the worst show ever or even close to it. The short run time, the fact that they had that short run time with half an hour dedicated to one comedy gag and the complete lack of anything worthwhile in the first hour or so make this much more unnecessary than anything else. This EASILY could have been chopped down to a two hour show (or expanded to a decent time by letting Shawn vs. Flair go 20+ minutes) but as it was, it really didn’t work.

That being said, there are some good points to it, with the main event being far better than I was expecting. I would even go so far as likening it to a trip to the dentist (“There now. That wasn’t so bad, was it?”) but that’s about as high a level of praise as I can go. Shawn vs. Flair was good too and the ending actually accomplished something, but my goodness it was rough getting there. The Triathlon stuff was brutal and the first three or four matches belonged on Raw at best. Simply put, this didn’t need to be either three hours or brand exclusive and they weren’t ready for that combination.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the Updated History of the Intercontinental Title in E-Book or Paperback. Check out the information here:

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Survivor Series 2003
Date: November 16, 2003
Location: American Airlines Center, Dallas, Texas
Attendance: 13,487
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole, Tazz

This is the first of two redos that I’ll be doing for the year. It’s an interesting time for WWE and Raw in particular as there are two General Managers for the same show. While that sounds like a dream come true for WWE, it needs to be changed tonight. Therefore we have Steve Austin’s team vs. Eric Bischoff’s team, winner take all. That’s not the main event of course because we’ve got HHH! Let’s get to it.

The opening video asks if you have what it takes to survive. I know I usually make fun of this but it’s something that fits the simple idea of the show. Why mess with something that works this well? It also gives the Smackdown Survivor Series match some focus and doesn’t put the whole thing on the less interesting matches.

Team Angle vs. Team Lesnar

Kurt Angle, John Cena, Chris Benoit, Hardcore Holly, Bradshaw

Brock Lesnar, A-Train, Matt Morgan, Big Show, Nathan Jones

Holly is here due to Lesnar breaking his neck over a year ago. Lesnar’s partners are just hired guns. Show is US Champion, which he almost never defended. Brock is WWE Champion (Smackdown) so everyone wants to fight him for obvious reasons. Morgan is an unknown and Jones never was any good.

Cena rhymes a bit before the match, saying he’s the fetus and everyone else is afterbirth. Can we stick with Dallas is the place to be and John Cena is the man to beat please? He doesn’t need a stable, but he might want to trade his partners in for a one night stand with Sable. Brock might have something to say about that but as for Big Show, Cena is like a big whistle. I’ll let you figure out the punchline. So he wants Sable and Big Show? That’s….uh interesting.

Before we get to the match, I wish they would get rid of the sound effect they use for the name graphics. It sounds like metal creaking and is already annoying. Holly goes after Lesnar before the bell and sends him into the steps. A referee gets shoved down and Holly is disqualified before the match even starts. In the ring, A-Train misses a charge in the corner and eats Bradshaw’s Clothesline for another elimination but Big Show chokeslams Bradshaw for the third elimination in less than a minute.

Cena can’t FU Big Show and it’s off to Lesnar for what would be a very different (and better) match later. John pounds Brock down in the corner and gets two off a rollup until Brock sends Cena flying. It’s off to Morgan as the announcers are talking about the Cruiserweight Title for no apparent reason. Morgan’s sidewalk slam has Cena in more trouble and it’s off to Jones, who is finally allowed to appear on live pay per view. Cena finally scores with the Throwback (I miss that move) on Lesnar and it’s off to Benoit.

Lesnar gets pounded into the corner as Benoit always looked awesome against Brock. A big clothesline puts Benoit down and it’s off to Big Show for a gorilla press, who talks trash to Angle while holding Benoit in the air. The chokeslam is countered into the Crossface (I’ve always loved that counter) but Brock is right there to break it up. We hit the abdominal stretch with Show’s back to the camera (that’s probably a fine today) and you can’t actually see most of Benoit. I never get used to how big Show really is.

The standing legdrop gets two for Show and the big brawl breaks out on the floor. Morgan comes in and gets dropkicked in the leg and face, finally allowing for the hot tag to Angle. We’re already at the rolling Germans so it’s off to Lesnar who gets suplexed as well. Everything breaks down and the Angle Slam eliminates Morgan to tie it up. Show gets dumped to the floor and the ankle lock gets rid of Jones, only to have an F5 do the same to Angle. So after three more eliminations in less than a minute, we have Lesnar/Big Show vs. Cena/Benoit.

Lesnar misses a charge at Benoit and hits the post so Benoit goes right after the arm. The F5 is quickly countered into the Crossface and Cena is smart enough to knock Show off the apron but Brock gets his feet into the ropes. Another Crossface actually makes Lesnar tap clean, leaving Big Show alone 2-1. The YOU TAPPED OUT chants begin and Benoit takes Show down with a top rope shoulder. The Crossface is knocked away but Cena nails Show with the chain, setting up the FU for the pin and the victory, planting seeds for Wrestlemania in the process.

Rating: C-. I always liked the idea of this match on paper but it really didn’t work in execution as it needed another ten minutes or so. There were two stretches here that added up to six eliminations in about two minutes. They went through this way too fast which is probably due to time, but a World Champion’s match shouldn’t be cut for time. Just too fast here.

Benoit and Cena shake hands after having issues for weeks.

Vince comes in to see Shane and points out that it’s father and son vs. brothers tonight in separate matches. The only thing Shane feels is sorry for Vince, who faces Undertaker later. Vince leaves and runs into Austin. They start chuckling and then laughing but Austin gets serious really fast and walks away. Nothing was said and JR and King are confused as well.

Women’s Title: Molly Holly vs. Lita

Lita is freshly back from her year and a half off with the broken neck and this is her first title shot. I’ll give you two guesses as to who the fans are behind. Lita starts fast and suplexes Molly down, followed by a nice nipup. That’s not serious enough for Molly so she sends Lita crashing out to the floor. We hit a dragon sleeper on the challenger as Lawler can’t seem to bring himself to talk about Molly’s looks. To be fair, it really doesn’t feel right to try.

Back up and Lita hammers in some right hands but the comeback is short lived as a sidewalk slam gets two. Molly actually tries to talk some trash in the corner and gets powerbombed off the middle rope instead. The Litasault misses though and the Molly Go Round (top rope flipping seated senton) gets two. Frustrated, Molly loosens the middle turnbuckle and drop toeholds Lita into the steel to retain. No I didn’t skip anything. The referee either didn’t notice or didn’t car and it really is as sudden as it sounds.

Rating: D. Lita just wasn’t back yet and the match didn’t work as a result. Molly is really talented but the lack of charisma hurt her. At the end of the day, she’s the most innocent and kind woman the company had in years and for some reason they made her a heel. It never fit and this was a good example of why it didn’t.

We recap Kane vs. Shane McMahon. Kane was doing his annual monster thing and tombstoned Linda due to reasons of evil. That’s Kane’s evil, not Linda’s evil. Shane came back for his annual (popular theme here) wrestling run by trying to stop the monster. This leads us to an ambulance match here.

Kane vs. Shane McMahon

Ambulance match which means casket but with an ambulance instead. Shane goes after him to start but has to use a chair to knocks the steps into Kane’s face. They’re already loading up the announcers’ table and thank goodness for that. Would you want to imagine these two trying to do a regular match? Shane hits him in the head with a monitor and drops the sweet top rope elbow through the table. Kane sits up so let’s go into the crowd for a change.

They get to the back with Shane sneaking up on Kane with a kendo stick. Not a wrench or a pipe or something made of metal, but rather a wooden stick. He was an athlete, not a scholar. Shane puts him in a security booth and backs an SUV into Kane before calling in an ambulance on a walkie-talkie (where did that come from?). Also, would that count even if it’s not the designated ambulance? Wrestlemania XIV would seem to hold precedence here.

Kane comes back by throwing Shane into a wall and there goes the camera, drawing a lot of booing from the crowd. They’re right too as they paid for a live show and are watching most of this on a monitor but then they don’t even get to see all of it? I’ve never been a fan of going backstage for just that reason.

Back to the arena with Kane throwing him against the other ambulance. JR: “Like Shane was a cruiserweight.” Shane probably would be a cruiserweight actually, or at least really close. An ambulance door to the face slows Kane down (When all else fails, hit them with a door. It got Christian the Hardcore Title at Wrestlemania XVIII.) but he just blasts Shane in the face. He can only get one door shut with Shane inside though, allowing McMahon to come back with a DDT on the concrete.

Again, since Shane isn’t the brightest guy on the planet, he comes back with a trashcan. Not a heavy, thick object but rather a thin trashcan. He makes up for it a bit with a Coast to Coast off the top of the ambulance to drive the can into Kane’s face, landing on a box (which appeared to have a crashpad inside) in the process. Kane still gets an arm out of the ambulance door (that’s fine in this case as it took a long time for Shane to get him inside) and just throws Shane against the ambulance wall. A Tombstone on the concrete (no wonder Kane’s knees are shot) is enough to put Shane away.

Rating: D+. Well that happened. Some of the spots were good but Shane going for the cool looking stuff instead of the logical stuff like HIT HIM WITH A WRENCH really brought it down. It also doesn’t help that this got more time than the first match, because you want to push the boss’ son in a feud he has no business winning that went on for months. This really could have gone to someone else to give them a rub but Shane gets it instead. That’s not good and it got on a lot of wrestlers’ nerves back in the day.

The ambulance leaves with Shane inside.

Brock tells Josh Matthews (who looks like even more of a tool than he does now) that he didn’t tap out or lose because he’s not afraid of anyone. Goldberg comes up to shake his hands, planting the seeds for their, ahem, match at Wrestlemania.

Here’s the Coach in a neck brace to waste some time. Coach assures us that he’ll be back to health soon enough and not to worry about him. As he’s about to leave, Coach spots Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban in the front row. We get a quick interview where Cuban says he’s looking forward to Austin beating Bischoff. Being a Bischoff guy, Coach disagrees and asks Cuban about WWE referees vs. NBA referees (Cuban has a LONG history with NBA referees) so Mark says all referees suck.

This brings out Bischoff (JR: “What happened to Survivor Series?”) to say he’s in charge tonight. Cuban is in the ring with him now and Eric threatens to have him thrown out, but maybe Bischoff should just do it himself. Eric gets shoved down so here’s Randy Orton to lay Cuban out with an RKO. They would actually revisit this SIX YEARS LATER when Cuban guest hosted Raw and screwed Orton out of a match. Again: the opening match with the World Champion gets thirteen match, Shane vs. Kane gets a little more and this gets about six.

Evolution is having a party with some good looking women. They make a toast to HHH getting the title back (from Goldberg) when Orton comes in. Orton: “Guys listen…..whoa.” They’re proud of him for laying out Cuban (why?) and he promises to take out Austin as well. Evolution will drink to that.

Smackdown Tag Team Titles: Basham Brothers vs. Los Guerreros

The Bashams, with He-Man chest pieces, are defending and have Shaniqua with them. My goodness what happened to the Bashams? They spent FOREVER in developmental and were just another tag team on the main roster. It’s a brawl to start with Danny (partner of Doug) being sent to the floor but both of them have to save Shaniqua. I’m not sure why as she was one of the most worthless managers and performers of all time.

Eddie starts with Three Amigos to Danny before it’s off to Chavo for two off a basement dropkick. Back to Eddie who is sent to the floor and beaten up by Shaniqua. Danny puts on a reverse chinlock as this is just a Raw match. Yeah they’re all on Smackdown but Smackdown was a lot better than this. Chavo comes back in with dropkicks and a bad looking tilt-a-whirl slam for two on Doug.

Eddie saves his nephew from a middle rope spinebuster and Chavo adds a running hilo for two. Chavo and Doug clothesline each other and Shaniqua lets us have some Twin Magic. Even in 2003 I can’t get away from the Bellas. Shaniqua takes a frog splash but Chavo accidentally kicks Eddie on a tornado DDT, letting Danny roll Chavo up and grab the tights to retain.

Rating: D+. Just a TV match here which isn’t enough when you’re on one of the biggest pay per views of the year. The problem here is this was meant to set up stuff in the future (Chavo vs. Eddie) instead of being about the titles. That’s fine (see Royal Rumble 1994) down the road but it doesn’t make for a good match here. The Bashams had no personality and it’s a big reason why they weren’t going to make it like this. It’s a major problem of this era and the modern era still: finding something that works in developmental and scrapping it when they get to the main roster, making most of the developmental time a waste.

Lawler and JR preview the elimination tag and tell us that Shane is getting ready for a CAT scan.

We recap Team Austin vs. Team Bischoff, which is all about controlling Raw. Austin isn’t allowed to touch anyone unless physically provoked which drove him crazy. He also doesn’t trust anyone but he’s been forced to trust five men tonight though because this is it. Bischoff had fired him as a wrestler but Austin was brought back as co-GM which caused a bunch of friction, setting up this match. If Austin wins tonight, he has full power and can fight whenever he wants.

Team Austin vs. Team Bischoff

Austin: Shawn Michaels, Rob Van Dam, Booker T., Dudley Boyz

Bischoff: Chris Jericho, Christian, Randy Orton, Scott Steiner, Mark Henry

Steiner has Stacy Keibler against her will as part of a very uncomfortable story. The Dudleyz are the Raw Tag Team Champions and Van Dam is Intercontinental Champion. Christian and D-Von get things going, which seems appropriate for old times’ sake. That goes nowhere so it’s off to Van Dam who gets tow off a quick kick. Jericho comes in and gets shouldered and suplexed for two.

Steiner gets the tag and eats a boot to the face, only to throw Van Dam with a suplex to take over. A little crotching on the top makes it even worse as we’re firmly in the early stages still, meaning that this didn’t fall to the curse of “what else can we give the time to?”. Booker comes in but gets run over as well with the bicep elbow drop getting two. JR just has to bring up the three mini kings from 1994 because that story NEVER gets old.

Booker nails a quick scissors kick and a Spinarooni as everything breaks down. A low blow stops Booker and Steiner puts on the absolute worst camel clutch I’ve ever seen. Stacy gets on the apron to play cheerleader for Booker so Steiner breaks the hold. The reverse 3D plants Scott and the Book End is good for the first elimination. Never mind the lead though as the World’s Strongest Slam (I didn’t realize he had been using it that long) from Henry ties it up thirty seconds later.

Bubba comes in with some hard shots to the jaw but Henry runs him over Vader style. D-Von tries to help his brother, only to be slammed face first into him by Henry’s insane power. Speaking of power, the Dudleyz come back with 3D followed by a Five Star (the ECW Special?) to get rid of Mark. Jericho is in next but Van Dam head fakes him to set up a split legged moonsault for two.

It’s off to Orton for the first time and he blasts Van Dam with a big clothesline. I can never get over seeing Orton looking human or having hair. That’s one of the most jarring physical transformations I’ve ever seen in wrestling and it always strikes me. Like a viper. Van Dam kicks him in the face but Jericho shoves Rob off the top, setting up the RKO to tie it up again.

The fans want tables but have to settle for D-Von getting two off a headbutt. Jericho comes back in for two off a dropkick, followed by a quick Flashback (sleeper drop) to get rid of D-Von. It’s Shawn/Bubba vs. Christian/Jericho/Orton and Shawn gets his first tag to fire the crowd up again. Jericho is quickly sent running over for a tag to Orton who has a lot more luck with some forearms to the chest.

Back to Bubba who cleans house on all three until Jericho breaks up a Bubba Bomb with a low blow, setting up an Unprettier to leave Shawn down 3-1. Christian is up first and Shawn hammers away with right hands, only to be low bridged out to the floor by the other Canadian. The slow beatdown begins and Jericho cuts off the comeback again, allowing Christian to catapult him into the post. JR gets in his “local basketball team here” dribbling a ball line. Shawn is busted and you know the shaky legs are coming soon.

Christian does the signature Shawn pose and punches away, only to charge right into Sweet Chin Music to make it 2-1. That’s where Shawn is at his best: looking dead on his feet with his back against the wall and throwing superkicks because it’s all he’s got left. Oh and bleeding normally helps. Jericho comes in for some right hands before it’s back to Orton who grabs a belly to back suplex.

The heels start making some faster tags but Jericho dives into a kick to the ribs and a DDT. Lawler: “I want to believe. I’m trying to believe.” Shawn sends Orton to the floor and blocks the Lionsault with knees. Jericho is up first though and tries the Walls, only to get small packaged to tie it up. Lawler: “I BELIEVE!” Before he leaves though, Jericho blasts Shawn in the head with a chair. Shouldn’t that be a DQ on Orton as it’s interference when it’s down to one on one?

Orton comes back in with a high cross body but Shawn collapses to send Orton crashing into the referee. You can actually feel the drama here, even with JR being borderline obnoxious with the cheering for Austin. The VERY bloody Shawn tunes up the band but Bischoff kicks him down. That’s enough for Steve and the beating is on, including a Stunner to Orton. Austin and Batista head to the back and here’s Batista to powerbomb Shawn, giving Orton the final pin. And yes, you’re supposed to believe that the referee saw or heard NONE of this.

Rating: B+. This took its time to get going but once they handed it over to Shawn, it was all gravy. There’s no one better at making the impossible comeback than Shawn Michaels and this was one of the better ones he’s ever done. There was really no way you could have Austin’s guys win here but they did a GREAT job of making you think that his team could pull it off. That’s really impressive stuff and the match was great drama with the action backing it up.

Shawn gets up in the big serious moment and says he let Austin down. Steve doesn’t accept that and hugs him anyway as JR is being all serious, which actually works here. Austin isn’t done though and comes back to the ring after walking Shawn to the back. He talks about his career starting in Dallas in 1989 and if it has to end, he’s glad it ended here. Cue Coach with the cops, singing Goodbye. I think you get the drill here: he has nothing to lose so the beating is on. Naturally beer is consumed, just like it would be again when he was back in December.

We recap Undertaker vs. Vince McMahon. Undertaker had been feuding with Vince’s handpicked champion Brock Lesnar so Undertaker was never going to be allowed to be near the title again. One night, Undertaker won a match granting him any match he wanted at Survivor Series. He picked Buried Alive, which Vince gladly agreed to because Brock would destroy him again. Undertaker meant Vince of course and the match was made. Undertaker is promising to bury Vince once and for all tonight. I’m sure.

Undertaker vs. Vince McMahon

Buried Alive if that’s not clear. Tazz even has keys to victory. #3: AVOID THE HOLE! That’s good advice in so many areas of life. I miss Undertaker’s You’re Gonna Pay song. Vince has recently been saying a higher power will protect him in this match. So he’s protecting himself? Undertaker starts punching early on and SWEET GOODNESS Vince is gushing. The beating continues with Vince getting crotched against the post. Totally one sided as you would expect so far.

Undertaker chokes with a camera cord as payback for Vince threatening to have Undertaker’s wife raped and his home blown up. Yep that happened. One heck of a monitor shot knocks Vince over the table and an even bigger shot with a shovel has Vince in a heap on the floor. Undertaker crushes the ankle with the steps as there are LARGE red puddles underneath Vince’s head. That’s one of the deepest blade jobs I’ve ever seen.

Undertaker finally carries him to the grave but a low blow FINALLY gives Vince a breather and his first offense. A shovel to the chest puts Undertaker in the grave but he comes right back and throws Vince in instead. He goes to get in the bulldozer but the cab explodes. Cue Kane to knock Undertaker into the grave. Vince is sent to the bulldozer and Undertaker is buried.

Rating: C+. The match sucked but some of those shots to the head and that SICK blade job more than carries it up. This was a violent mess and that’s exactly what it needed to be, especially with the ending designed to get us back to the Dead Man. That being said, WHY DID UNDERTAKER KEEP AGREEING TO THESE MATCHES??? HE NEVER WON IT ONCE! Bad match, GREAT violence and blood.

We recap Goldberg vs. HHH. After losing to him over and over, HHH issued a $100,000 bounty because he thought he was Harley Race in modern times (look up Starrcade 1983). Batista returned from injury and claimed the bounty by breaking Goldberg’s ankle. Tonight is HHH’s rematch and Goldberg can barely walk coming in. This gets the music video treatment even though there’s really not enough of a story to warrant it.

Raw World Title Goldberg vs. HHH

Goldberg is defending (doesn’t that mean Batista didn’t take him out?) and HHH is looking WAY less developed than usual. He had a groin injury around this time but did it really mess him up that badly? Like, it’s WEIRD to see him looking like this. They slug it out before the bell and the spear connects but Goldberg has to beat up Flair. Ric is clotheslined to the floor and the bell actually rings. Even Lawler thinks waiting that long is pretty stupid.

After a quick trip to the floor it’s back inside with Goldberg scoring off a powerslam. The leg goes out though and HHH starts in on it, including throwing him outside for some cheap shots from Goldberg. Back in and HHH drops an elbow onto the leg, followed by a lot of stomping to put the champion on the floor. Say it with me: and Flair gets in some shots too.

There’s a half crab with Goldberg grabbing the ring skirt but for some reason that’s not enough to break the hold, giving us JR’s sarcastic voice. Goldberg pulls him face first into the post and puts both guys down with a clothesline. It’s HHH up first but the Figure Four is broken up, meaning we get a ref bump. Oh good as I was worried we might not have one.

Flair throws in some brass knuckles to knock Goldberg silly for two. HHH knocks the referee down again and it’s sledgehammer time. Goldberg takes it away and hits Flair in the ribs, knocks out the invading Orton and Batista and breaks up a Pedigree attempt. The spear and Jackhammer connect to retain the title.

Rating: D. HHH sucked in 2003. I can barely remember a single good match he had in the year (and yes I know there are a few here and there) but the big ones were bad on top of bad on top of bad. It’s the same formula no matter what and feels like it’s never going to end. All that aside, what was up with his physique here? Go check this out. It’s like someone went back to 1995 and inflated him. Bad match here, as you would expect.

Overall Rating: D. This show feels like they put the card together but never bothered to put the show in order. It would have been much better, and made WAY more sense, to have the Austin vs. Bischoff match go on last as it’s implied to be Austin’s final appearance, which is a lot more important than your run of the mill title defense. The rest of the show is pretty much just there, ranging from bad to dull. Swapping the card wouldn’t have fixed it entirely but it would have made for a much more entertaining night instead of wanting to know what else we had to sit through.

Ratings Comparison

Team Angle vs. Team Lesnar

Original: B-

2012 Redo: C

2015 Redo: C-

Molly Holly vs. Lita

Original: D+

2012 Redo: D+

2015 Redo: D

Kane vs. Shane McMahon

Original: D+

2012 Redo: D+

2015 Redo: D+

Basham Brothers vs. Los Guerreros

Original: D

2012 Redo: D+

2015 Redo: D+

Team Bischoff vs. Team Austin

Original: A-

2012 Redo: B

2015 Redo: B+

Vince McMahon vs. Undertaker

Original: D

2012 Redo: D

2015 Redo: C+

Goldberg vs. HHH

Original: D-

2012 Redo: D+

2015 Redo: D

Overall Rating

Original: C-

2012 Redo: D+

2015 Redo: D

One step down every year.

Here’s the original review if you’re interested:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2011/11/12/history-of-survivor-series-count-up-2003-austin-vs-bischoff/

And the original redo:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2012/11/09/survivor-series-count-up-2012-edition-2003-austins-retiring-forever-and-doesnt-close-the-show/

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the Updated History of the Intercontinental Title in E-Book or Paperback. Check out the information here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2017/10/02/new-paperback-kbs-history-of-the-intercontinental-title-updated-version/

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

 

Monday Night Raw
Date: May 12, 2003
Location: First Union Center, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

It’s the final Raw before Judgment Day and the big matches are Goldberg vs. Christian inside a cage and Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Nash. Both of these matches are Steve Austin’s ideas, which makes me think that Austin might want to stick to the being retired thing as he’s not the best match maker in the world. Let’s get to it.

Austin’s picture now appears after Bischoff’s in a funny visual.

Christian is inside the cage to start things off, saying that this match doesn’t need to be taking place. No one wants to see the new People’s Champ get battered and bruised. On top of that, he has an important photo shoot tomorrow and shouldn’t come in all banged up. This brings out Austin to say there’s nothing like the feeling of a good old steel cage. Goldberg isn’t even here yet and the match is still on.

Christian saw Austin in the back earlier and was told he was on first. It was actually a different finger and Austin repeats it here. Christian thinks Austin might be jealous of Christian being friends with the Rock because it was Rock who beat Austin at Wrestlemania. We get Austin’s new “I’m trying very hard not to lose my patience” line which isn’t working for him as a new catchphrase.

Instead, he threatens to take Christian out of the Intercontinental Title battle royal but Rob Van Dam interrupts. Rob is going to be in the battle royal but Christian thinks Rob should fight Goldberg instead. That’s not cool with Austin so Christian asks the fans for a CHRISTIAN RULES chant. Austin: “That silence means you suck.” He’s not cool with his material being ripped off and threatens a Stunner as well.

This brings out Kane to enter as well, though Rob threatens to eliminate him to win the title. Austin likes the tension and thinks the way to cure it is another beer bash. Now it’s Bischoff coming out to interrupt because there won’t be a beer bash tonight. Instead he has some challenges for Van Dam and Kane’s Tag Team Titles.

Tag Team Titles: Rob Van Dam/Kane vs. Legion of Doom

As a huge Legion of Doom fan, I remember this one rather fondly. Animal kicks Rob into the corner to start but gets monkey flipped for his efforts. Hawk comes in and gets kicked in the face, only to come back with a hard clothesline. Another kick allows the hot tag to Kane as house is cleaned in a hurry. The top rope clothesline drops Hawk and Rolling Thunder connects as well. Animal makes the save and loads up the Doomsday Device but Rob ducks the clothesline. A chokeslam into the Five Star puts Hawk away.

Rating: D. This was…short. The Legion of Doom were a nice surprise and it’s nice to see the champs get a rub from them but it’s kind of sad to see them losing in a nothing match. At least the fans reacted to them, though that’s going to be the case with any older wrestler in Philadelphia.

Victoria and Steven Richards threaten to take away Trish’s looks in their hardcore match tonight.

We get the short version of last week’s way too long brawl between HHH and Kevin Nash.

Chris Jericho and HHH insult Philadelphia sports teams and discuss torn quadriceps. HHH says Jericho skyrocketed to the top of the wrestling world because he tore HHH’s quad. I really don’t know how to respond to that. Anyway HHH wants Jericho to injure Nash tonight.

Goldberg arrives in a long black limo. That’s so out of character for him. Someone tries to run him over but only hits the door.

Teddy Long tries to talk Austin into giving Rodney Mack a spot in the battle royal. You need a man of color in there. Austin agrees and gives Booker T. the spot instead.

Rodney Mack vs. Ken Phoenix/Mike Phoenix

This is a DOUBLE White Boy Challenge. Ken is better known as Kenny Dykstra/Doane (17 years old here) and Mike is his real life brother. Mack throws them around to start and plants Mike with an STO. A cobra clutch knocks Ken out but Mack throws him down before the match is stopped. The second cobra clutch on Mike is good for the quick tap.

Bischoff has no comment on the Goldberg incident but runs into Freddie Blassie of all people. Freddie is here to plug his new book and calls Bischoff a rather rude name. Rico comes in to ask if Bischoff has any ideas to fix 3 Minute Warning. Bischoff has an idea and sends Rico off. He tells Blassie to meet him inside for something he has in mind. Blassie: “What are you going to do? Hang yourself?”

Austin comes up to a livid Goldberg and asks what’s up. He knows what it’s like to be hit by a car and asks if Goldberg saw the driver. Goldberg didn’t but he’ll take it out on Christian.

Blassie comes out but Bischoff cuts off the big introduction and sends Mrs. Blassie to the back. Eric plugs the book and asks Blassie how old he is. Freddie says 23 but Bischoff thinks Blassie has about three more minutes. Bischoff wheels him to the ring where Rico and the Samoans are waiting. This brings out Austin to say one of his new big ideas is to unsuspend the Dudleys.

Dudley Boyz vs. 3 Minute Warning

The bell rings which would suggest a match but there’s no referee so that doesn’t seem to mean anything. 3 Minute Warning is quickly dispatched and Freddie says get the tables. One 3D through a table to Rico later and beer is consumed. That feels like them just bailing out on a story that wasn’t working and I’m perfectly fine with that.

Christian vs. Goldberg

Inside a cage and Christian brings a chair for protection. It turns out to be the same chair that Rock used to beat Goldberg down a few weeks back. Christian throws the chair at him which goes as well as you would expect. The beating is on in a hurry as Goldberg slowly starts taking him apart. Some chair shots get Christian out of trouble but he can’t get over the top just yet.

Christian misses a spear of his own and he bounces off the cage so Goldberg can slowly walk around some more. One heck of a cut has blood flowing down Christian’s head and a powerslam makes things even worse for him. The spear and Jackhammer end Christian without too much effort.

Rating: D+. Christian’s cut looked good and Goldberg was more like himself than usual here but it wasn’t even seven minutes long and there was no reason for this to be a cage match. It’s not a bad match or anything but Goldberg is just nothing in WWE at this point and this didn’t make it any better.

Flair sucks up to Austin and reminds him that HHH runs Raw. Austin isn’t convinced so here’s Hurricane to sing Kevin Nash’s praises. Ric yells but Austin tells him to shut up. Let’s have a match right now, starting in the back.

Ric Flair vs. Hurricane

You know Flair isn’t going to wait to sucker punch Hurricane and the fight is on in a hurry. They slug it out for a few seconds before heading into the arena with Hurricane being knocked over the announcers’ table. The fight heads to the ring and Flair’s pants come down because that’s always funny (allegedly). A backdrop and a high crossbody give Hurricane two and there’s a chokeslam for good measure. Hurricane adds a strut and the Shining Wizard for a close two. Flair gets in the chop block though and a Figure Four puts Hurricane away.

Rating: D+. I could have gone without Flair’s pants going down but the match was pretty much exactly what you would expect. I’m not sure what the point is in having Hurricane, in gear, losing clean to Flair in street clothes but they’ve done dumber things as of late. It’s hard to get annoyed at Flair winning though as it’s hardly an important match.

Post match HHH has to come in and make Flair break the hold, followed by a Pedigree to Hurricane.

Scott Steiner/Test/Goldust vs. La Resistance/Christopher Nowinski

Before the match, the French guys rip on America for being war mongers and claim Nowinski is the exception to the rule. The brawl is on in the aisle until it’s Test hammering on Grenier in the corner. Goldust comes in for an atomic drop and a powerslam before handing it off to Steiner. The pushup elbow wakes the crowd up a bit and it’s back to Test, who gets beaten down in short order. Nowinski grabs the armbar for a few seconds before it’s back to Steiner as everything breaks down. Goldust cleans house and it’s the reverse DDT to end Nowinski.

Rating: D. In a word, this story sucks. Test and Steiner aren’t interesting as a team and La Resistance is as simple of an evil foreigner team as you can find. It doesn’t help that you can pretty much guarantee that the French guys are going to be Tag Team Champions soon enough, just for the sake of pushing the anti-Iraq War stuff a little while longer.

We run down the pay per view card. This looks really bad.

Jericho doesn’t think much of Goldberg but on Sunday, he’ll become Intercontinental Champion again. Tonight though, he’ll take care of Kevin Nash.

Trish Stratus vs. Victoria

Hardcore match in Philadelphia so here’s Tommy Dreamer to cancel out Steven Richards. Trish forearms away to start and goes to the weapons but has to sunset flip her way out of trouble instead. Victoria finds a cookie sheet and they mess up a spot where Trish tries to kick it into her face. That’s fine as they just pop up and do it again, making things look even worse the second time. Victoria is right back with the spinning side slam but Trish Matrixes away from a trashcan lid shot.

The Chick Kick knocks the lid into Victoria’s face but she comes back with a leather strap for whipping and choking. Naturally, JR talks about bondage magazines. Victoria chokes her in the corner but gets taken down by a hurricanrana. The guys get in fight on the floor, leaving Trish to score with a kendo stick shot, followed by Stratusfaction for the pin.

Rating: D. Nothing to see here as usual, but that’s the case with most of the women from this stretch. We’ve seen them all fight so many times, including these two in the same kind of a match about six months ago. They need some fresh blood in the worst way as we’ve just covered everything that could possibly be done. It also doesn’t help that they were missing a lot of their spots, making this more sloppy than memorable.

Kevin Nash vs. Chris Jericho

Jericho tries to jump him to start but gets swatted away by Nash’s cat-like reflexes. A right hand to the head drops Jericho so Chris starts going after the leg (which HHH totally inspired of course). Jericho charges into an elbow and gets kneed out to the floor as I’m still trying to figure out why I’m supposed to care about Nash. A chop block cuts Nash down as you can’t fault Jericho’s logic.

The leg is wrapped around the post but Nash gets in a side slam as this match is killing the crowd in a hurry. As in there was just no reaction to one of his biggest moves (and it’s not like he has many others to pick from). Jericho is right back with the bulldog and a Lionsault for two. There’s the big boot but HHH and Flair come in for the DQ, though the bell doesn’t actually ring.

Rating: D-. Just for that non-reaction to the side slam alone. The fans are absolutely not caring about Nash but that’s never stopped them from going in a certain direction before. Jericho was trying here and the leg stuff was fine but there’s not much you can do whtn the fans don’t care in the slightest.

Shawn Michaels runs down to help and the good guys clean house with Shawn counting pins to end the show.

Overall Rating: D-. The Legion of Doom were a nice surprise to start things off and it’s just all downhill from there. I can’t think of a single positive thing about this show and the whole show is just uninteresting and bad. I’m really not sure I can make it that much simpler: it’s not good wrestling and the stories are even worse. Anything interesting would be an upgrade at this point as I just need something to hold onto with these shows. Unfortunately, I don’t see that happening anytime soon.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the Updated History of the Intercontinental Title in E-Book or Paperback. Check out the information here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2017/10/02/new-paperback-kbs-history-of-the-intercontinental-title-updated-version/

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6