It’s time for another WWE PPV and we’re in Chicago again. It’s a triple main event with Bryan vs. Sheamus 2/3 falls, Punk vs. Jericho in a Chicago Street Fight and Cena vs. Lesnar in an Extreme Rules match, which is clearly different than a Chicago Street Fight because….uh…..oh because one has the word Chicago in it. I’m somewhat excited about this show so let’s get to it.

US Title: Santino Marella vs. The Miz

This is on the pre-show because the US Title doesn’t have any place on a PPV right? Santino is defending. Before the match Miz goes on a rant about how he was in the main event last year and then won the power for Ace at Mania but he’s on the pre-show here. It seems like they’re teasing a tease of face turn for him.

Miz gets sent to the floor quickly and heads back to said floor when Santino loads up the Cobra. Back in Miz stomps him down and hits a kick to the head for two. Some knees to the chest/head get two so it’s time for some chinlockery. The fans are totally behind Santino of course. Low DDT gets two. Miz’s running clothesline hits in the corner and a top rope ax handle gets two. Quick rollup gets two for the champ. Miz quickly takes him down but jumps into a right hand. Santino starts his comeback and here’s the Cobra. Miz charges into the corner, misses, and the Cobra retains at 4:37.

Rating: D+. This was any TV match you could imagine. There was nothing to see here and while it was ok, this really shows how far Miz has fallen. It’s not that he lost to Santino, but rather that no one is really surprised that he did. That’s the much more telling idea to me. Not a horrible match and it’s probably good that this wasn’t on the PPV.

Time for the actual PPV now.

Kane vs. Randy Orton

Falls count anywhere. Orton starts fast and goes to the corner but gets caught by an uppercut and knocked to the floor. Kane gets the lead pipe despite this being just falls count anywhere. Orton gets the pipe and gets in a few shots as they go to the floor. Orton pounds on him up against the barricade and they go into the crowd. It’s one of those “I hit you so naturally you stumble forward five steps then I hit you again.”

Kane comes back with some right hands and the low dropkick for two. They go up the stands and then down towards the stage. This has been 90% punches. Orton dropkicks him by the stage for two. They go backstage and into the halls. A bunch of people are watching the show and Ryder jumps Kane, pounding him in the back with forearms. They don’t work but him trying is more than he’s ever done.

Orton saves him with the backbreaker which gets two. They head back down the hall and Kane throws a small table at Orton, clearly not hitting him but Randy is nice enough to go down for two. They head back to the ring and Orton hits the powerslam. Orton gets in some chair shots and they head to the floor. He loads up the announce table but Kane fights out of it. No chokeslam as Orton fires off some elbows to the head, so it’s the elevated DDT on the floor instead. Somehow driving a man’s head into a thin mat over concrete only gets two.

Kane shoves off an RKO attempt to send Orton into the post for two. Back in the ring Kane goes up but Orton manages to pull off his dad’s superplex for two. Orton goes Viper but the RKO is countered again. Chokeslam hits for two and Kane has a small fit. He sets for a tombstone on the chair but gets caught in the RKO onto it for the pin at 16:48.

Rating: B-. It was a good brawl but a lot of it was just them walking back and forth and punching. The in ring stuff was a lot better and the Ryder interference was a nice touch. It’s three months late but it was nice. This should end the feud though, and as long as it doesn’t lead to Mahal vs. Orton I’m cool with that.

Eve and Ace are in the back and liked the first match. They have the Raw Roulette wheel behind them and Eve has Teddy bring in champagne. He has the massive nametag too. Ace gets a call from HHH and has to go. It doesn’t seem to be anything bad.

Brodus Clay vs. Dolph Ziggler

The “smart” fans chant for Ziggler and they go to the floor quickly. Swagger runs over Brodus to put him down and get him in trouble for the first time. Back in Ziggler pounds on him but Brodus comes back with a headbutt. A knee lift misses and the Fameasser gets two. Another dropkick gets one and it’s time for a modified sleeper. Brodus stands up and easily throws Ziggler over. Dolph tries a suplex and is easily thrown off. Brodus gets all fired up and shakes, including a shot to Swagger. Headbutt to the ribs sets up the splash for the clean pin at 4:19.

Rating: C. This is EXACTLY what Brodus needed. He’s squashed jobbers for months now so a real win where he had to fight off some people is a great upgrade for him. Ziggler hammered away on him and certainly didn’t get squashed, which is how you make someone like Clay look great. Good stuff.

We see the wheel being spun for the IC Title match and it’s a tables match. This is somehow Teddy’s fault. Big Show is pleased.

Intercontinental Title: Big Show vs. Cody Rhodes

Show quickly backdrops him and we go to the floor. He hits the chop up against the barricade and sets up the first table in front of the announce table. Cody tries to get in a few shots but gets thrown around with ease. There’s another table set up in the corner of the ring now.

Show tries to throw him through that one but Cody runs up the table and hits the Disaster Kick in a sweet move. Show knocks him to the floor again and Cody tries for a table. This goes about as well as you would expect and a clothesline puts him down. Show tries to get back in and Cody kicks him down, sending Show feet first through the table for the title at 4:36.

Rating: D. Cody got DESTROYED for four weeks since Wrestlemania, lost to Khali, lost to Big Show, but SWERVE: he wins the title here. This is why the midcard is dead and the titles mean nothing: why should we buy Cody as champion after the beatings he’s taken for the last month? Someone explain this to me.

Show destroys the champ post match because that’s the best way to make Cody look strong Show puts him through two tables. Cody manages to walk to the back because that’s supposed to make it all better I guess.

Bryan explains why he’s better than Sheamus: he gets better chicks, he has a better beard and he doesn’t have five pounds of corned beef in his stomach. Bryan insults the crowd to try to get them to stop cheering him but then does a YES sequence….which gets a NO reaction. AJ is watching but Bryan doesn’t see her.

We recap Bryan vs. Sheamus. It was 18 seconds at Wrestlemania, Bryan snapped and threw out AJ, this is the 2/3 falls rematch.

Smackdown World Title: Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus

Two out of three falls. The fans have seemingly forgiven Bryan in the last three minutes. They do big match intros and Sheamus doesn’t get the best reaction. It’s not really hatred but he’s not that well liked. He has an 18 seconds shirt which is a nice touch. Sheamus takes him to the mat quickly but Bryan pops up. Quick Brogue Kick attempt misses and Bryan grabs the arm.

They trade some technical stuff and Sheamus hits the fireman’s carry slam for two. Sheamus hooks a Texas Cloverleaf out of nowhere which is like his fourth finisher but Bryan makes the rope. It wasn’t a half bad one either. Sheamus tries it again but gets rolled up for two. Bryan fires off some shots and they head to the floor, but Bryan’s running knee is caught into a spinebuster into the barricade.

Back inside Sheamus goes up but gets crotched and falls into the ring. Bryan drops a bunch of knees and hooks an armbar. He bends the fingers back and bends the shoulder back in a SCARY looking angle. Sheamus rolls to his back to keep from having his shoulder destroyed and gets back to his feet. Bryan takes him down and hits a low dropkick for two. He chokes on the ropes because HE HAS TIL FIVE!

Bryan stays on the arm but Sheamus knocks him to the apron for the forearms. Sheamus charges into the corner and gets caught in a drop toehold into the buckle and kicked in the face for two. They go to the corner where Bryan’s rana is countered. The top rope shoulder gets two as this is getting good. Sheamus charges at Bryan but goes over the top to the floor. He may have hurt his ankle. Back in the High Cross is countered into a rollup for two.

YES Lock is countered twice but Sheamus charges into the post shoulder first. Bryan wraps the shoulder around the post and fires off about 15 kicks which is good for a DQ for Sheamus at 14:35. LAME. Bryan seems fine with it though. The second fall begins a few seconds later and Bryan hits a running dropkick in the corner. YES Lock goes on and stays on for a good while. Sheamus starts to lose consciousness and passes out to tie it up at 16:45.

The doctors come in to see if Sheamus can continue and Sheamus says let’s go. The fans are chanting YES/NO through this. Bryan charges into a kick to the face which only gets two because of a delayed cover. Big kick to the side of Sheamus’ head gets two. Bryan goes up but misses his dive. A charge misses and here come the ax handles. Irish Curse puts Bryan down and the Brogue Kick ends this clean at 23:00.

Rating: A-. Yeah this worked. If this was what Sheamus had won the title with at Mania I don’t think anyone would have complained. It’s probably Sheamus’ best match ever and the kind of win he needed. Having him pass out was a nice touch as instead of having him tap and look mortal he kept fighting which is the right move for him. Very good match here and the pickup this show needed.

Aaron Relic/Jay Hatton vs. Ryback

The Jobbers combine to weigh 340lbs. Santino and Khali are watching in the back. I like this “let’s watch Ryback” idea. They give a pro-Math promo to start the match. They keep saying 2 is greater than 1 and even Cole is ripping on them. The fans chant Goldberg and I can’t really argue. Let’s say Hatton starts with a pair of kicks that do NOTHING. A forearm does nothing. There’s a big boot to put him down and Ryback throws him into a powerslam. He drags Hatton to his corner and pulls the other jobber in. There’s the huge clothesline and the Over the Shoulder Boulder Holder kills jobber #2. MuscleBuster for the pin at 1:50.

Punk says that Jericho hasn’t proven anything yet and Punk has proven that he’s better than anyone else. Jericho is waking up with a hangover tomorrow because of the GTS.

We recap the Raw World Title match. Jericho said Punk would drink after he lost at Wrestlemania. Jericho lost at Wrestlemania so he poured alcohol over Punk and accused Punk of being drunk. This led to a field sobriety test which Punk faked being drunk for.

Raw World Title: Chris Jericho vs. CM Punk

It’s a Chicago Street Fight. They’re both in street clothes which is at least something different. They do big match intros and Punk is ungodly over. They stare each other down and it’s a brawl to start. Punk stomps him down into the corner and they head outside. Punk throws two chairs in and grabs a kendo stick, drawing an ECW chant. He gets in a few shots and tries a baseball swing at Jericho but Chris hits the floor.

Back in a clothesline puts Jericho down and it’s back to the stick. Punk’s sister is here in the front row and his parents are here somewhere. Jericho hides behind the referee and pokes Punk in the eye to take over. Out to the floor again and into timekeepers’ area but Punk gets in a shot. A headbutt puts the champion back down and he goes over in front of Punk’s sister.

Jericho gets in her face and gets slapped. He charges at her and that makes Punk snap. In something I’ve never seen before, Punk rips the top off the announce table and puts Jericho through the top of it. He tries a piledriver but Jericho shoves him off and takes over again, ramming him into the barricade which gets two in the ring. Chinlock time but it doesn’t last long. We lose a turnbuckle and Jericho fires off on Punk’s back with the kendo stick.

Jericho heads to the floor and finds a beer under the ring. That gives Punk a chance to catch his breath and he comes back with kendo stick shots to the back. Jericho comes back again and they go to the corner with Punk knocking him into Macho Elbow position. That only gets two as this is getting good. GTS is countered and Jericho throws him into a chair wedged between the ropes for two.

Codebreaker puts Punk down and Jericho smiles. He doesn’t cover but sets up the Walls. It’s the Liontamer and Punk is in trouble. Now it’s just the Walls because the Liontamer is too hard to get out of. Punk gets the rope but Jericho doesn’t let go because it’s a street fight. The champ finds a fire extinguisher under the ring and Jericho is kind enough to look over at him so it can be blasted into his face.

They go to the floor and Punk fires off some kicks. Jericho is laid out on the table so Punk goes up top and almost falls off the top. Now the Macho Elbow hits in a great looking dive. Jericho is holding the back of his head and seems mad at a chair. Back in the ring that somehow only gets two so Punk throws on the Anaconda Vice. Jericho tries for the kendo stick and gets in enough shots to Punk’s head to break the hold. Punk hits him in the ribs with a chair but Jericho grabs it for a Codebreaker which gets two. Jericho tries a GTS but Punk counters into a slingshot into the exposed buckle. GTS keeps the title at 25:10.

Rating: B+. This took awhile to get going but the near falls at the end were great. I don’t think anyone expected Punk to lose here and it wouldn’t have been right for him to. There’s no need for this feud to continue now as Punk has pinned Jericho and made him tap so there’s nothing left to prove. I’m not sure where either of them goes next but it should be interesting. Very good match.

Punk dives into the fans post match.

Eve is in the back and tells Beth there’s no medical clearance for her tonight. She says she’ll get the title back someday. Nikki doesn’t get the night off though and it’s a surprise opponent. Eve: “Don’t worry it’s not Kharma.”

Divas Title: Nikki Bella vs. ???

It’s Layla, who at least looks better than Kharma. She’s been gone what, a year? This is your basic Divas match with the Bellas trying to switch after a spin kick and Layla countering the facejam into the Layout Neckbreaker for the pin at the title at 2:26.

Ace says what he was on the phone with HHH about isn’t Striker’s business.

We recap Cena vs. Lesnar which I don’t think needs an explanation. This includes the 853rd instance of the sitdown interview from Raw two weeks ago.

John Cena vs. Brock Lesnar

This is an Extreme Rules match which means they’re in wrestling gear. Well Lesnar is in MMA gear but you get the idea. The fans are more behind Cena than Lesnar. Cena charges right into a takedown and Brock comes at him with the strikes. Cena is cut on the left side of his head. Cena grabs a quick front facelock but Lesnar is WAY too strong. He poundso n Cena even more and the doctor comes in to check the cut. The replay shows that it was an elbow to the head. They close or at least stop the cut and go back to it.

Cena charges in again and Lesnar pounds him right down. Brock hammers on him and knocks Cena to the floor with a knee. The doctors stop it AGAIN to check the cut. Cena hits a quick elbow and tries the FU but Lesnar escapes and hits two rolling Germans. Lesnar’s Gonna Kill You chant. Cena comes back with some elbows and the shoulder block but there goes the referee.

Cena hits the ropes again but Lesnar runs him over. Lesnar goes for the open wound and rubs Cena’s blood on his own chest. Brock throws on an armbar (screw that kimura crap. This is wrestling) and then throws Cena to the floor instead of cranking on it. To the floor and Brock throws it on again but lets it go a second time, throwing Cena into the barricade.

Back in and Lesnar gets Cena’s chain and lock. He puts it down and chains Cena’s feet together. Cena gets up and Brock hits what might have been the hardest clothesline I’ve ever seen. With the legs still tied together, Brock puts him in the Tree of Woe. Brock goes after the referee but Cena escapes. That goes badly again as Brock whips him into the steps. AA is countered again into an F5 attempt but Cena’s legs hit the referee.

A second referee comes out but Lesnar throws him out too. The steps are brought in and Cena says Brock can’t see him. Back into the armbar and this time there’s a body vice. They’re on the steps and the fans care cheering for Cena. He picks Brock up into kind of a spinebuster but his arm is hanging limp. Cena goes up but misses the Fameasser. He was about an inch from hitting the steps too.

Cena rolls to the floor and is spent. Lesnar looks around bur can’t find Cena. He gets up on the steps and sees Cena (hehe) who can barely get back in. Cena gets up on the apron so Lesnar gets a running start from the steps and hits kind of a Poetry In Motion move but crashes to the floor and hurts his knee. He’s fine but Cena has the chain. Brock charges again and Cena gets in the chain shot to clock Lesnar. I think Brock is busted now. Oh yeah he is and Cena’s head has a lot of blood there too. An AA onto the steps gives Cena the pin at 18:05.

Rating: A. WOW. This is going to be a disputed rating but this was an absolute war. Cena got one homerun shot to win it but that’s all he needed. Lesnar dominated about 95% of the match but it was good enough to make both guys look great. Lesnar can come back but Cena has the first win, which sets up a rematch where Lesnar can beat him. I had a blast with this and Lesnar looks AMAZING.

Cena poses on the steps to end the show. Scratch that as he wants a mic. He sits on the steps and says that he’s going to get sent home for speaking when he’s not spoken to. Cena says that he’s going to go home for this anyway. He knows this is Punk’s town but above all else, this is a wrestling town. Tonight the people were supposed to see the extreme and that’s what they got. He can’t feel his arm and he’s glad it was in Chicago. Everyone gives everything they have every night and if he has to take a vacation so be it. Thanks for one last ride and get home safe. What…..what just happened here?

Overall Rating: A. I had a good time with this show. It started off weak but MAN the last few matches were hitting on all cylinders. Even the Divas match wasn’t that bad. The main event was something totally different than we’ve seen in a long time and that’s what it needed to be. I was thinking this would be a good show and the big stuff hit perfectly. Good stuff here and worth checking out.

Results
Randy Orton b. Kane – RKO onto a chair
Brodus Clay b. Dolph Ziggler – Splash
Cody Rhodes b. Big Show – Cody dropkicked Show through a table
Sheamus b. Daniel Bryan – Sheamus won two falls to one
Ryback b. Aaron Relic/Jay Hatton – MuscleBuster to Hatton
CM Punk b. Chris Jericho – GTS
Layla b. Nikki Bella – Layout
John Cena b. Brock Lesnar – AA onto the steps

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I’m going with Lesnar over Cena but I think a better pick would be a big brawl that goes to a draw.  You can’t have Lesnar lose immediately coming back but Cena has to win something someday.  Cena hasn’t said anything in this feud for the most part other than in London so it should be interesting to see where it goes.

Sheamus retains.  It’s pretty clear that they’re going from Bryan to Del Rio as the new challenger because he’s the least interesting person they could have feuding with Sheamus and that’s the right choice I guess.  We’ll go with 2-0 on a hunch.

Oh and whatever Bella has the title retains before losing to Kharma on Raw.

Thoughts/picks?

Orton over Kane.  No real reason for it to go the other way.

Show will retain unless they’re really stupid with their booking.

Now the crux of this is based on the Brock interview that they’ve aired for the last two weeks.  The idea here is that Brock has dominated everything (not named professional football) that he’s ever competed in.  Everything from amateur wrestling to pro wrestling to the UFC, he’s gone to the top of it with no one being able to stand in his path.  Lesnar is a finely tuned athletic killing machine that has never been stopped no matter what he attempts.

On the other side you have John Cena, who played college football and is the top man in the WWE and has been for about the last 7 years.  He started very slowly and worked his way to the top.  The idea is that Cena works his way through every problem he faces and even when he fails, he never gives in and never quits.  He spent years and years perfecting his craft, unlike Lesnar who has basically come in and within a month or two is the top dog everywhere.

This presents a very strong dichotomy between the two and gives you an angle to play off of.  This is where Rocky V comes in.  For those of you that haven’t seen it, the end of the movie is a confrontation between Rocky and Tommy Gunn.  Rocky is a street fighter who had no high class training and was very raw for the most part of his career.  Gunn was trained well and became a polished fighter.  Now at the beginning of the movie, Rocky has been told that he can never step foot into a boxing ring again due to fear of head trauma.  This is where the connection kicks in.

By the end of the movie the two are about to fight each other but Gunn’s manager says that Tommy only fights in the ring.  Rocky says “my ring’s outside.”  Now THIS is where the WWE should pick up on things.  The idea is that Lesnar has dominated everything he’s done, but everything he’s done has had rules.  Even in the UFC, everything is regulated and under control at all times.  Play up Cena’s background as more of a street brawler (if you flash WAY back in his career it’s there) and how he’s not a polished killing machine like Lesnar, but at Extreme Rules, Lesnar doesn’t have anything under control.  It’s on Cena’s terms, not Brock’s.  It’s a street fight, not a match with rounds and rules and on Sunday, anything goes.

To cap it off, picture Cena saying something like this: “And Brock, this Sunday in Chicago, if you think the beatings you took in the UFC were bad, you just wait.  There ain’t gonna be a referee to pull me off you like when you guys like Cain Velazquez and Allastair Overeem beating your face into a cage.  That’s what happens when you lose control: you get beaten up Brock.  I’m not stopping until the job’s done and I’m the one left standing.  See you on Sunday.”

Thoughts?

Kind of just a filler show here as I felt like doing a modern one rather than more of the same stuff that I’d been doing. This is a year and two days old so it’s still relatively recent. This is one of those cards where everything is a gimmick match which is fine. The main event is Hardy vs. Edge in a ladder match so that should be fine. We also get Batista vs. Orton in a cage. I can live with that I guess. The card looks ok so let’s get to it.

The opening video is of all the guys and talking about how extreme this is. It’s a fairly weak video but it gets the point over, or at least I guess it does.

US Title: Kofi Kingston vs. MVP vs. William Regal vs. Matt Hardy

Well this is random. Kofi won the title 6 days ago from MVP. He beat Hardy and Regal for the title shot in the first place. This is an extreme gimmick? Sure why not. MVP is a face here…I think. Yeah he is. Regal has been hitting on Vickie to get into this. Matt gets a rather solid pop. He’s heel here which is just odd to type.

Oh and Matt still has a broken hand from Mania. MVP is the same thing that he is today. That’s all you need to know about him: he hasn’t changed a bit in a year. Regal hasn’t either but he’s more or less a jobber now so it’s not like it matters that much. Kofi hits a dive to take out every American in this match.

Then he takes out the British guy as well. It’s your usual insanity for one of these matches as we get rotating one on one matches. That works fine I think as it’s really the only way you can do these without insane choreography before it starts. Regal gets solid heel heat. He’s just so easy to hate.

Everybody but Matt gets in a Tower of Doom spot so Matt dives on them all but of course it doesn’t work. Also his hand seems to be just fine all of a sudden. For some reason I love that leg drop that Matt does from the middle rope. It’s not like there’s anything really special about it or anything.

Kofi hits a Boom Drop on Regal who is on top of Matt in a decent spot. Kofi hits that pendulum kick that seemingly every midcard face hits now. I was wrong about MVP not changing anything in a year. Now he is even worse at his belly to belly overhead suplexes. Ballin hits on Matt as we’re very close to the end. You can feel it.

Regal beats up everyone but Kofi bounces off the top rope and hits a kick to the head which is called Trouble in Paradise for the pin to retain. It looked like a one footed dropkick but whatever.

Rating: D+. Not bad I guess, but WAY too short. This wasn’t even seven minutes long and it was just kind of a mess. It’s certainly not a bad match or anything like that, but it just felt thrown together and like it was there to kill time. That’s never a good sign. Kofi’s reign is about as forgettable as you could ask one to be also.

Show says instead of asking him for his strategy, you should ask Cena for his strategy.

We recap Jericho trying to rip Rey’s mask off on Smackdown. Him dressing as a Rey fan was really smart actually.

Intercontinental Title: Rey Mysterio vs. Chris Jericho

This was one of the matches that brought credibility back to the belt. Rey is defending here. Jericho’s voice says he’s not there but up here, which is at the merchandise stand. He says Mysterio is encouraging deception by having WWE sell the masks. He does the walking to the ring through the crowd promo which is always awesome. This was when Jericho was still just completely amazing with this gimmick and even I was loving him.

Jericho wants Rey’s mask. These two tore the world apart with great matches so this should be great. Both guys know about 100 styles and can mix them up really well so I’m looking forward to this. Actually I’m not as it’s started so I’m looking at it but with a happy grin I guess. Oh and this is no holds barred for the gimmick. We start on the floor with Rey throwing pieces of a table at Jericho. They’re going at a fast pace here which is very clearly working for them.

This is one of those matches that is hard to make jokes about because you know it’s going to be good. Rey hits a nice plancha from the top to the floor. JR says Rey is being aggressive. That’s true I suppose. Actually yeah it is true. It’s strange to see Jericho being the bigger guy. We get some decent talking about the customs and traditions associated with the mask in Lucha Libre, which is very interesting stuff when someone like Tenay talks about it.

When Grisham talks about it he sounds like someone giving a high school presentation. Rey takes a Gordbuster on the floor. Dang that would have hurt. Jericho goes for the mask and you get a perfectly clean shot of Rey’s face. Ah never mind. I didn’t realize I had flipped over to a WCW show where he didn’t have it on for a long time. You get a good face shot here too but this one was less intentional I think. A really good suicide dive takes Jericho out as this has been high impact and back and forth.

What more can you ask for? The fans are appreciative of this too which always makes me smile. Jericho gets a spinning rack thing for a long two. Lionsault of course misses and Rey gets the 619. He jumps into a Codebreaker though and we’re about at even. The looks Jericho does are great. Jericho has a chair. Maybe he wants to give Rey a lap dance. Oh I forgot this was no holds barred. That explains the lack of a DQ for the chair use from both guys.

Rey sets up the chair and gets a running start but is caught in the Walls. Somehow he gets the chair and drills Jericho. Nice shot too. Rey goes for the 619 but Jericho manages to pull the mask off. Since Rey is desperately covering his face, the rollup by Jericho ends it.

Rating: A-. GREAT match here with them going back and forth with all kinds of stuff. The chair played a very limited role which makes the stipulation fairly pointless, but still this match worked so well that I can’t complain. It’s not like it didn’t get used at all so I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt. This match was great though as it turns out that when you put two guys in the ring and let them just go, things turn out well.

Ad for the Randy Savage DVD.

Josh Matthews is with Batista. We see a video from Monday where Orton and Legacy beat up Flair in a “fight” and punted him. Big Dave says Orton won’t be able to do that to him tonight. This is supposed to be big and dramatic and it just isn’t at all.

CM Punk vs. Umaga

This was a fairly weak mini feud that saw Umaga just destroy Punk at every time. Punk has MITB here and has been trying to cash it in for awhile but Umaga keeps stopping him. Oh and this is a Samoan Strap Match. Why do I not picture a lot of straps in Samoa? They’ll be tied at the wrist here and I think you win by pinfall or submission. There was never any real justification for Umaga to beat the heck out of Punk like he did but whatever.

I guess you could go with he’s a savage. I guess this is the four corner style. Blast it. There is however a helpful graphic in the corner saying how many you have in a row with Punk in green and Umaga in red. Still though I’ve never gotten a clear definition of what in succession means. I know what succession means but often times they just seemingly go with what fits best for the rules at the time. Umaga works on Punk’s arm as this match is just kind of odd.

Not sure why it is but it comes off as most odd to me. With Punk on the floor Umaga gets two buckles but instead of getting the third he goes for Punk. I didn’t know Samoans were such idiots. Aww Punk went for the GTS. That’s so cute. Grisham says Punk was undaunted. What does it mean to be daunted?

I’ve never heard of anyone being daunted but just undaunted. Fans are very behind Punk. Punk gets three but charges at Umaga instead and gets drilled. Well he deserves it for being stupid. Umaga gets three but Punk gets him to charge at him like a bull and Umaga goes to the floor. This is getting fairly repetitive.

Umaga gets pulled off the top and crashes to the mat. Punk gets three and with Umaga pulling away from him, for no explained reason at all, Umaga charges at him and gets caught in GTS so Punk can win. Ending was just stupid looking on Umaga’s part.

Rating: D. These matches were never very good and this is no exception. Also, there were far too many stupid moments here, mainly the ending. I love Punk, but this was just an incredibly pointless feud and thankfully this is the last one between them. Keep an eye on Punk though. He’s going places.

Gregory Helms is with Christian and he says that Dreamer and Swagger will lose tonight. Dreamer says Christian will lose. Swagger comes up and says they’ll both lose. Ok then.

ECW Title: Christian vs. Tommy Dreamer vs. Jack Swagger

If Dreamer loses he’s gone. This is a hardcore match so it’s pinfalls count anywhere. Who would believe Swagger would be the most successful guy a year later? So Dreamer is on a one day contract since they mistimed the whole contract thing in storyline terms. Swagger is the guy Christian beat to get the title.

We even get big match intros. Dreamer is wearing something close to silver pants. Hey, did you know that the champion is at a disadvantage here? I didn’t know if telling you that twice in 40 seconds would be enough indication. Striker says Dreamer has a Singapore Stick. Let the ECW fans freak. White Russian Leg Sweep to Swagger. Dreamer hits a front flip with a trash can behind him so that hits their faces. This is kind of sad considering what ECW was originally about.

Dreamer sets for the baseball slide but Christian stops him and does it himself. In other words, the blonde haired WWE product did the ECW original’s thing to another WWE guy. That sums up so many things so easily. The people want tables. Yeah I’m stunned too. Swagger no sells some kendo shots and hits a belly to belly on Dreamer.

We’re going with the various one on one matches here which is about as expected. Crowd is DEAD other than for the big spots. Swagger goes for the Gutwrench but Dreamer nails him with a crutch twice and hits a DDT to get the ECW Title. More on that in a bit.

Rating: D. This is your traditional “hardcore” match which means let’s hit each other with trash cans and hope the people care. This just felt completely lifeless to me and I just wanted to see it end, which isn’t something that I have issue with that often. There are far worse matches, but this just had nothing at all to it. Even Dreamer’s win, while a big moment for old school ECW fans feels flat. Let’s look at this for a minute. Imagine Christian or Swagger in the original ECW.

They come off as two guys that would get booed out of the building for some reason. Look at the size of the belt. It’s freaking huge and looks like a bad toy. Dreamer has a massive celebration and you can tell that he’s loving it and that it’s a huge deal, but you can see ECW’s already dead body just rotting away here and even me, someone that didn’t get into ECW until the last year or so when it was a shell of itself, can tell this isn’t meaning anything at all.

Look at the next segment: Vickie preparing to defend the title of Miss Wrestlemania against a guy in drag in a hog pen match. The soul of ECW is dead, and to top it off Dreamer would lose the belt in Philadelphia to Christian two PPVs later. It actually makes me sad.

So anyway, Vickie is training for her hog pen match while Chavo makes pig noises and is wearing a pig nose. Let’s get this over with.

Miss Wrestlemania: Santina Marella vs. Vickie Guerrero/Chavo Guerrero

Please, make this go quick. Seriously, this is the dumbest thing of the year and it needs to end. Lawler is the host for this or something. You have to get the pin in the pen, which has hogs in it. Please just get this going as they talk forever first. Chavo is her partner and it’s 2-1. She throws mud at Chavo who is in street clothes and he beats her up.

So they’re in a mud pen and have to be thrown into the other one and then pinned. Oh wait they can come back out of the one with the pigs and get pinned in the bigger one. Vickie comes in and Chavo accidentally slops her….shoulder. Santina pins her and this is thankfully over. Vickie and Chavo fight in the mud as Cole and Lawler are laughing, likely by Vince’s orders. Santina celebrates forever as this segment has gone on longer than all but one match so far.

Rating: N/A. Give me a match and I’ll rate it.

Ad for Summerslam, which was a good show if I remember correctly. After checking the review for it which can easily be accessed by using the Table of Contents thread on the top of the Old School Reviews section, I was right as I gave it an A-.

We recap Batista vs. Orton, which was of course about Flair. I was there for the announcement of the cage match on a Raw that completely sucked. Flair was really annoying at this point as even Orton asked him if he was retired or not. Flair got punted and I think never came back.

Goldust and Horny make fun of Vickie and Chavo. Edge is sitting in Vickie’s office and Edge makes fun of her. They’re still married but they’re arguing here. Edge says they’re getting a divorce.

Raw World Title: Randy Orton vs. Batista

This is a cage match. Orton has been really evil lately and Batista is mad at him for kicking Flair, even though a lot of people are glad about it. Batista gets a very solid face pop. Orton is dangling from the top of the cage less than 30 seconds in. Well at least they’re not wasting time. Basically Orton is running for his life here but Batista keeps catching him.

In less than three minutes, Orton has almost been out three times. I sense a theme. Four times in three and a half minutes. Well at least he’s consistent. It amazes me how evil he can be at this point and how over he is a year later. Orton throws him into the cage and everyone is tired like 5 minutes into this. I get that the cage is deadly but come on now people. Punt misses and Orton runs again.

Batista Bomb and RKO are countered but the Bomb hits and gets three in SEVEN FREAKING MINUTES??? Yes, this match is over in just barely over seven minutes. WHAT THE HECK? Well it would turn out that Batista had a torn bicep and he would vacate the belt on Tuesday. The following Monday Orton would win it back in a match on Raw, making this title change, say it with me, TOTALLY POINTLESS!

Rating: F+. Seriously, I’ve seen longer cage matches at house shows. I get that the match was booked and had to be all short and stuff, but that doesn’t mean it’s acceptable. This was just bad all around, mainly due to it being way too short and like half of it being Orton trying to run. You could tell something was up here though so I guess it makes sense.

We recap Big Show vs. Cena. In essence, it’s just that Show is too big to get the STF on so we’re having a submission match so that Cena can look great in winning.

Big Show vs. John Cena

Ok so there’s an hour left in the show and we have two matches left. That’s not a good sign. We get a quick ad for the Bash which is a really good show if I remember correctly. Cena’s arms are freaking scary looking here. Cena goes for the leg which makes sense but it only works twice. Show’s finisher is the Colossal Clutch which is the reverse chinlock that looks like it would hurt bad.

Does Cole have Show’s shoe size tattooed into his memory or something? He mentions it in every match Show is in it feels like. In a nice looking spot, Cena goes for a bulldog and Show just pushes him out of the ring. That looked awesome. The flying shoulder doesn’t work at all which is a great visual.

This match is pretty boring. The audio on the commentary goes way down in volume which is always fun. Show goes for a full nelson. Who is nelson that he gets like three moves named after him? This is going SO slow and it’s rather annoying. Cena gets a sleeper which is smart. At least he’s thinking.

It’s actually more like a choke but whatever. It amazes me that a guy can manage to be strangled for about 45 seconds by a guy that is ridiculously strong and still be, you know, alive. Show hits the Alley-Oop which is just awesome every time I see it. Again, this is a rather boring match. Now Show is working on the back and ribs. Could this match be any more paint by numbers? This match is just crawling by with nothing of interest at all going on.

Show pulls on Cena’s neck which works on his back somehow but never actually goes for a hold. Crowd isn’t dead but they’re rather sick. Vader Bomb misses. Cena can’t slam him. I want this to end. Is Show hugging him? It’s not a bad hold I guess but it’s boring. Cena is on the floor and nothing of note is happening.

It’s just them plodding around filling time. Maybe if they gave the opener more than 6 minutes this could have been shorter and therefore watchable. We’ve probably spent 5 minutes just standing around with Show looking down at Cena. Oh look it’s an abdominal stretch. Chokeslam is countered into a DDT and AGAIN he can’t hook the STFU. Cole says Cena is showing signs of life. I guess that means besides the whole walking, breathing, moving and looking around.

Hey, let’s have a bearhug now since that’s oh so riveting. Cena hits the FU but can’t get the STFU. The Knockout Punch hits. Can we watch a Knockouts match instead? Cena hits the top rope Fameasser and we get to the really stupid ending as Cena ties Show’s leg in the rope and hooks the STFU that was.

The problem is Show’s leg COMES UNDONE so it’s just a crossface. And there’s the tap, thank goodness. Cole saying Cena has done another miracle sums things up pretty well I’d say. You know, because I just said it.

Rating: F+. Oh sweet goodness this was bad. I have never been so bored in a match, and somehow that’s not an exaggeration. This was just painfully boring as NOTHING happens for about half of this match which went like twenty minutes. Just terribly boring and while the ending was creative, the botch made things just look awful.

Edge and Hardy get the big long video. This felt like a big match and with Edge saying something like Hardy makes highlight reels but Edge wins world titles, I was excited for this one.

Smackdown World Title: Edge vs. Jeff Hardy

There must be 15 ladders around the ring and the aisle. Of course Roberts tells us that this is a ladder match since we never could have figured that one out on our own. Edge is champion here. Hardy really was a big deal back then. Wow a year ago is now considered back then. That’s odd to hear. Seriously, how weird is it to see Jeff Hardy vs. Edge in the main event of a pay per view?

This crowd has been DEAD all night and it’s rather annoying me. Why is a running shoulder in the corner different than a spear? And to anyone thinking “because it’s in a corner”, shut up. Jeff goes for a small ladder but it goes into his ribs.

Ross reminds us that the ladders aren’t going to give, even though these two were the first people to break one of them at MITB earlier in this year I believe. Or was that a year before? Does it matter? It was more than a week ago so it’s fair game as far as erasing it goes. Ok so it’s a spear when there’s a ladder between Hardy and the corner but not when there’s no ladder? Sure why not.

Edge smashes Jeff’s leg in between a ladder and then hooks a Sharpshooter while Hardy is lying on the ladder. Hardy actually taps which is surprising if nothing else. I love the spots where the ladder is knocked out from under someone. Those are always awesome looking. In a NICE spot, Edge takes a gordbuster onto an inverted ladder on the parts that spread out to brace the ladder. FREAKING OW!

It’s big ladder time now and Jeff gets on top of it and tries to lean it over so it’ll fall and he’ll be able to grab the belt. Well that’s original at least I guess. It never ceases to amaze me when people pull out new spots with the ladders like Kofi and the stilts at Mania this year. It works to an extent but Edge makes the save.

Ross says he jerks him down which is a better description than when he said Lita jerked Edge off at Mania X7. Jeff lands on his leg so that’s hurt now. And of course he hits Whisper in the Wind off the ladder just after that. We’re on the floor now with a ladder set up between the railing and the ring like a bridge if you know what I mean. Jeff gets launched into the front row. Ross says he went sailing. There’s a funny skit with Hardy as a sailor in there somewhere.

Edge is set on the ladder that was a bridge and Hardy climbs up another one. Edge gets up and climbs Hardy’s ladder and yep they both go through the ladder “that won’t give a bit”. As in the ladder is broken and bent and stuff. And there goes the referee once we’re back in the ring. Ah there’s another one. That’s better.

Jeff climbs the big one in the middle of the ring and Edge climbs one in the corner. Edge goes for the big spear like at Mania X7 but Hardy catches him in a Diamond Cutter (called a Twist of Fate but I can live with that one). They’re both on the big ladder and fight it out up there but Hardy drops down and in a brilliant spot pulls Edge down THROUGH the rungs of the ladder so that his arms are the only things stopping him from going down to the mat. That’s enough for Hardy to win it.

Rating: B+. Very solid main event here with the two masters of the ladder match doing what they do best and making it seem like a big deal. Not sure what but it was missing something from making it a classic, but it’s still great. These two have insane chemistry together and this is no exception. Great match and nearly a great way to close the show. I say nearly because the show isn’t quite over yet.

JR goes into the ring to talk to Hardy…..AND CUE PUNK’S MUSIC! It’s time for an MITB CASH IN!

Smackdown World Title: CM Punk vs. Jeff Hardy

Hardy can’t even stand up and there’s the GTS for 2. Punk’s heat is molten here as no one likes this other than me. I fell asleep during the ladder match when this aired and woke up to hear Hardy win. I closed my eyes again and heard Punk’s music. I FREAKED. A second GTS gives Punk the title.

I won’t bother with a rating obviously, but the first thirty seconds here were obviously harkening back to Gotch vs. Hackenschmidt but over the next fifteen seconds they really let things go as it turned very sloppy. The last 15 seconds saved it though as they were clearly channeling Steamboat and Flair other than about 2 seconds in the middle there. Punk’s current heel persona would kind of debut next month.

Overall Rating: D+. While there are two great matches on here, after that it just has nothing. And when I say nothing I mean NOTHING. The problem is that there’s a difference between being just a waste of time and being a bad waste of time. This would be the latter. Other than the IC and ladder matches, there is NOTHING here.

The problem with the IC match is the rematch next month is even better, so there is absolutely no reason to see this show. Punk’s first cash in was far better too, so there is just nothing of note here. The ladder match is good, but it certainly doesn’t save the show. Not recommended at all, but the IC match and ladder match are worth seeing if you’re bored.

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