Monday Nitro #244
Date: June 12, 2000
Location: Richmond Coliseum, Richmond, Virginia
Attendance: 4,723
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Mark Madden, Scott Hudson

We’re past the Great American Bash and there are less than four weeks from Bash at the Beach. Last night’s major development was the Goldberg heel turn, which felt like nothing more than shock value for the sake of shock value. Russo has sworn revenge on Ric Flair tonight and since this show should have a bigger audience, you can almost guarantee that he’ll get what he promised. Let’s get to it.

We open with a recap from last night’s stupidest matches, meaning the main events. Something I missed at the pay per view: Tony asks if Goldberg joining the New Blood with two minutes left in the show was the surprise.

Russo, Bischoff and Goldberg arrive. Gee I wonder if they’re going to come out and talk for ten minutes.

Scott Hudson has no shirt on because he made fun of Russo for not having a shirt on. Does it surprise anyone that we have to suffer so we can see proof that Russo has moved above Hudson in the official manliness power rankings?

Tony: “Sting was lit on fire last night. If you want to see something shocking, order the replay.”

Here are the writers for their opening victory speech. Hudson says the one constant in WCW has been Goldberg. The guy that’s had one match since December? Bischoff leads off the bragging by talking about how everyone knew Goldberg was the future. All of the old guys were worried about Goldberg not being a team player but last night Goldberg showed that he was on the right team. Goldberg was sick of the fans and all their autographs so he’s done with them.

Cue Goldberg himself for the big explanation. “Don’t ask me why. The question is why not.” Everyone in the back has been against him since day one and they got all the cheers while Goldberg was gone. Now he’s signed a deal with the devil so he gets what he wants: to stand over everyone who tried to screw him.

So yeah, their big explanation: he didn’t like backstage politics. Not “Nash and Hogan screwed me out of the title.” Not…..well really that’s one of the only storyline explanations I can think of. No instead they’re going with “people were mean to me backstage and instead of being tough and beating them up like when I made this company money, I’m going to turn heel and let the old boring guys be the heroes.” Backstage. As in not in front of the camera. As in not something the fans can easily understand. As in REALLY STUPID.

This brings out Nash who should barely be able to walk after last night. As you might expect, he saunters out with his hand in his pocket instead. Nash talks about WCW giving Goldberg everything he wants. Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair are the kind of people who made Goldberg so tonight, Nash isn’t leaving until he has Goldberg’s blood on his hands. Cops take Nash down but Russo says he wants Nash released into his custody. Russo: “I WANT RATINGS TONIGHT!” Nash vs. Goldberg is announced for later because Bash at the Beach still isn’t important.

So yeah, it’s clear they have nothing for Goldberg other than “he’s a heel now.” There’s no logical character motivation because all they have to do is say that it’s something that happened backstage or that you might have read on the internet without ever having to actually demonstrate or show anything on TV. In other words: the writers are doing whatever they can to get out of the writing.

Jarrett tells Cat that he wants Hogan tonight because Bischoff and Russo are too busy to make the match. I love that he’s finally admitting that the World Title isn’t important enough for either writer to care about.

Nash is put into a cop car until later in the night. Scott Steiner chases Russo off as Nash’s nephew watches on.

Hardcore Title: Big Vito vs. Terry Funk

Vito is defending and locks Johnny the Bull in the bathroom for no logical reason. They start brawling in the back (of course) with Funk’s going head first into a steel wall. The door rises up so Funk tries to crush Vito underneath it. Funk blasts him in the head with a chair but stops to beat up a security guard.

They keep fighting through the back with Funk using the empty water jugs to keep control. It’s time to get into the arena and they come in through the roped off section to make WCW look even worse. Funk is knocked through one of the Nitro Girl cages and off the stage through a table. Down to ringside now with Vito setting up a table and ramming Funk face first a few times. A piledriver off the apron through the table is enough to pin Funk.

Rating: D. Further proof that Bischoff didn’t need to win the title. The idea was that no one could beat Funk for the title and then the Mamalukes beat him down to give Bischoff the title, only to have Vito dominate him the next week in a rematch. Bischoff is off to another feud, making the title change last week look even more like a vanity win. If Bischoff is never going to take a beating for it, then how is it a good move for anyone but him?

Funk hands Vito the belt and shakes his hand post match. Vito blasts him with the belt to look truly evil.

Vampiro talks to someone in a cloak about Sting being gone. The man in the cloak says there are more souls to take. So we have a higher power.

Nash tells his nephew to stay with Scott Steiner. Nash: “Scotty, he’s eight years old. Keep those freaks away from him.”

Shane Douglas/Buff Bagwell vs. Kronik

Shane says his partner is back tonight and they can start taking names again. Kronik beats them down to start and Adams press slams Shane. Clark comes in for the pumphandle slam but Buff makes a quick save. It’s a hot tag to Bagwell (heels, faces, who cares?) for a Blockbuster but Shane tags himself back in. Kronik cleans house and High Times ends Shane in short order.

Rating: D+. Simple story here and they break up a team that wasn’t very good in the first place. It also keeps Kronik going forward to the titles down the line while not beating anyone of consequence. I might even say that Kronik has been well booked lately, but I have a feeling the improvement is due to a lack of attention from creative.

Bagwell and Shane argue post match and Shane sucker punches him with brass knuckles.

Cat is livid that Hogan isn’t here tonight.

Kidman thinks Jarrett vs. Hogan needs a guest referee.

We see a press conference from Paisley and the Artist. From now on, he’s just the Artist. Captain Rection’s grandfather is under the table, saying he was looking for pie. THIS ISN’T FUNNY.

Cruiserweight Title: Lieutenant Loco vs. The Artist

Rection’s grandfather is with the Misfits. Rection says that his grandfather is crazy and thinks he’s in Cambodia half the time but it’s still Rection’s pop. It’s a brawl to start and Artist hammers away at the champion in the corner. A dropkick sends Artist into the corner and Major Gunns comes in for Shattered Dreams (Locked, Cocked and Loaded here) but Paisley breaks it up. Chavo’s tornado DDT retains the title.

Post match Pops has to be dragged away from Paisley. Again, THIS ISN’T FUNNY.

Flair and company arrive.

Cat is waiting on Hogan.

Russo has a group of women to do whatever Goldberg wants. Goldberg sends them off.

Hogan arrives and Cat tells him that the title match is in ten minutes. Hulk agrees but gets blindsided by a guitar shot.

Horace is unconscious in the back.

Russo and David Flair come out for a chat. David should be praised for what he did last night, but Russo is tired of being everyone’s punching bag lately. Tony: “You could remedy that by staying out of the ring.” A New Yorker doesn’t have to take that and he’s ending this with Flair tonight. Ric comes out and says he has all the cards because Russo is now 2-1. Russo’s big comeback: “I HATE YOU FLAIR!”

Ric is ready to take David back but throws out a quick challenge for a match against Russo tonight. If Russo wins, Flair is gone. If Ric wins, he takes Russo’s place as a boss, gets David back and gets to shave Russo’s hair. Russo agrees if it can be a tag match with David and Reid involved. Ric says deal.

WCW World Title: Hollywood Hogan vs. Jeff Jarrett

Jarrett is defending and Kidman comes out to be guest referee because that feud is still a thing. Jeff demands that Kidman count Hogan out but here’s Hollywood to start throwing punches. Hogan dominates to start and sends Jeff to the floor for some weightlifting belt shots.

Back in and Jeff punches in the corner but Kidman pulls him away. Kidman takes a chair away from Jeff on the floor and throws it to Hogan as Goldberg and Russo come out to the stage. Hogan hits the big boot and leg but Goldberg breaks it up and spears Hogan and Kidman. Goldberg Jackhammers him through a table and Jarrett spray paints him. Cue…..GI Bro for the save?

Well that was eventful. First of all, Kidman seems to have turned face, presumably for Horace turning on him last night. I don’t really get it either but that’s the story the announcers were pushing and I don’t have the strength to fight anymore. Goldberg vs. Hogan could be interesting until they have the actual match, but unless Goldberg breaks him in half and squashes him (no chance of that happening), it’s going to be a big mistake. The interesting thing here is GI Bro, who has gone from midcarder to the main event almost overnight. The military thing doesn’t fit in this role but at least the talented guy is moving up.

Here’s Diamond Dallas Page, wearing a shirt that says “whatever”, with something to say. Page has a lemon in his hand and says he’s going to put it in his beer after this is over. People have been telling him for years that he can’t do it, including starting wrestling at 35, making it to the main event and being World Champion. When he started wrestling he went up and down the roads with someone he thought was his friend, and that man was Eric Bischoff.

Cue Bischoff, Kanyon and Kimberly but Page says he couldn’t be here without his wife. Kimberly may not have believed in Page the wrestler but she believed in Page the person. Back then, Kimberly was a real woman instead of whatever she is now. Kanyon on the other hand was the one man that he ever took under his wing. He was the one person that Page taught the things his mentors (Jody Hamilton, Dusty Rhodes and Jake Roberts) taught him in the first place.

After last night though, Page doesn’t feel like getting back up again. Maybe Page was the problem, but he’s lost everything because of wrestling. If working with people like Bischoff is what that means, it’s not worth it. Page leaves through the crowd. This actually worked really well, partially because Bischoff didn’t get to say anything. Getting rid of one of the older guys, even for a little bit, could be a good thing for this promotion right now.

Then the moment is kind of wasted as the announcers do the big serious chat but Tony chuckles at Hudson for not having a shirt on.

Discussion about Sting getting burned, same problem with Hudson. If you want to see a man get burned, order the replay!

Here’s Vampiro to say no one believed he would do it last night. Sting is going to spend the rest of his life waking up from nightmares and seeing Vampiro in his dreams. More souls will be claimed.

Vampiro vs. The Demon

Demon has a torch because this is still a thing. They quickly fight to the floor and then the stage with Vampiro in control. He climbs up onto the video screen and some fire spits up from the stage. Vampiro dives down onto Demon and lands on his feet….with his knee buckling underneath him as the match is thrown out.

Steiner leaves Nash’s nephew with Shakira.

Russo is panicking about losing his hair.

Here are Kimberly and Positively Kanyon so Kimberly can debut her new perfume: Positively Me, at a cost of only $395. Kanyon says that he was recovering from his spinal cord injury (he winks), the people actually believed it. Bischoff came in and told Kanyon that all he had to do to be a star was turn on Page last night. Now though, he’s going to take everything there is he can from Page, including his moves, his music, his wife, and his book. It’s open challenge time.

Before we get to the match, we need to go over this. Last night at the pay per view, the announcers speculated that there were two possibilities:

1. Kanyon was hurt and Bischoff got inside his head.

2. Kanyon never was hurt and it was all staged.

Now you’re telling me that BOTH OF THEM HAPPENED??? Kanyon heavily implied that he faked his back injury but then said that Bischoff got in his head. So he was in the hospital, maybe not as bad as it seemed, and Bischoff got to him anyway? Or was the whole injury faked in the first place? If it was faked, why would Bischoff need to talk to him? As usual, WCW tries to make things WAY too complicated and the whole story falls apart because it doesn’t make sense.

Scott Steiner vs. Positively Kanyon

Non-title. Steiner wants to know why Kanyon is bragging about being with Kanyon when everyone has been with her. That was good. Scott throws him around to start but gets caught in a sitout Alabama Slam for two. The referee takes the Kanyon Cutter but Mike Awesome has to come in and break up the Steiner Recliner. We’ll say the match is thrown out around here. Kronik comes out for the save.

Post match the guys brawl to the back but Hancock stops Kimberly from leaving. Kimberly agrees to fight if she’ll take the glasses off, meaning it’s time for perfume to the eyes. Unfortunately they’re Kimberly’s eyes because the bottle was turned the wrong way. YOU HAD ONE JOB! Even worse: Hancock sells it and Kimberly breaks her glasses for the big triumphant moment.

Scott Steiner wants to kill Russo but Shakira has lost Nash’s nephew.

Vince Russo/David Flair vs. Ric Flair/Reid Flair

For Russo’s job, Ric’s career and hair vs. hair so Ric has hair clippers with him. Ric chops David to start and stops an interfering Russo. The chops have no effect on Russo so Ric unzips the jacket and finds a chest protector. Shouldn’t Russo have sold the chops anyway to prevent Ric from finding out? Oh wait, that isn’t what a MAN would do so Russo is fine. Ric puts David in the Figure Four but Russo blasts him with the bat.

Reid tries to make the save but David takes him down. Russo wants Beth to come in and gives her one last chance to jump on his bandwagon. He tells Beth to hit Ric with the Statue of Liberty but Russo does it instead. Vince starts choking as security fills the ring and have to hold Ashley back. David puts Ric in the Figure Four and Ric’s daughter Megan throws in the towel to give Russo and David the win. The fans are all over Russo for this and I’m sure that validates his decision.

Rating: F. Russo wins again. So he wins in the cage, he gets David completely on his side and now he gets to retire Flair and shave his head. If there is any doubt that this was all about Russo the entire time, I’d love to hear someone defend it now. The match isn’t the point here. Russo beat Ric the entire way here and won in the end with no one ever making Russo look bad. Russo wins and that’s what the entire show is about.

The fans are LIVID as David and Russo shave Ric’s hair. Oh and by the way: this is Ric’s last match in 2000. They get some of Reid’s hair too. Russo wins completely because David, who could have done THE EXACT SAME THING LAST NIGHT, is just an accessory here.

Goldberg vs. Kevin Nash

The New Blood is out with Goldberg and Nash is in street clothes. They slug it out to start and Nash knocks him out to the floor. Back in and Goldberg takes over with a superkick. Nash fights back and here’s the New Blood, allowing Goldberg to hit Nash with a chair. Goldberg hammers away as Nash’s nephew comes down to watch…..and here’s Russo to force the kid to watch.

Nash is out cold and busted open but Steiner comes in for the save. Scott beats down the cops so they go after him with billy clubs. Nash’s nephew comes in to check on Kevin as Russo hugs Goldberg to end the show. The match was thrown out at some point so no rating. I think you can guess my thoughts on it though.

Overall Rating: F. So tonight we lose Flair and probably Page for awhile and Russo stands tall. This company deserves to die with stories like this and I can’t say I would have missed them a bit if they were done the night after this show. The wrestling wasn’t a factor here of course as this was almost all about telling bad stories and trying to explain the nonsense from last night, but it only made things worse because Russo can’t tell stories. It’s only going to get worse from here as Russo and Bischoff try to make this whole thing even more about them.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of Complete 1997 Monday Night Raw Reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Great American Bash 2000
Date: June 11, 2000
Location: Baltimore Arena, Baltimore, Maryland
Attendance: 7,031
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Mark Madden, Scott Hudson

The company is in a very bad place right now and it seems like it can only get worse. At this point the company is all about Russo and Bischoff plus a few older wrestlers who can beat up huge groups of young talent in a matter of seconds. The main event here is Nash vs. Jarrett for the title, even though Nash has given away the World Title twice in the last year and a half. Let’s get to it.

By the way, this arena is a home base for WCW. To give you an idea of what they’ve fallen to, this same arena held Superbrawl 1995 with a double main event of Hogan vs. Vader II and Savage/Sting vs. Avalanche/Big Bubba Rogers. That show drew 13,390 people, or just shy of double what this had. Randy Savage and Sting vs. Big Boss Man and Earthquake as the second biggest match on the card drew over 6,000 more people than one of WCW’s longest running shows. Amazingly enough a match where you light someone on fire didn’t draw well in an old NWA stronghold.

We open with a recap of Goldberg, who was presumably arrested after Thunder went off the air. Yeah WCW brought him back and then didn’t bother to advertise him for this show because TV is more important than pay per view.

The regular opening video focuses on Flair vs. Flair, Hogan vs. Kidman and Sting vs. Vampiro. The hype for the World Title match: “Kevin Nash and Jeff Jarrett will square off for the World Title.” And it’s wedged between the Sting/Vampiro and Hogan/Kidman promos.

Here are the Misfits in Action for roll call. Lieutenant Loco’s mission is to defend the Cruiserweight Title so he pulls out a grenade. Rection yells at him for playing with toys so Loco just threatens to kill the Filthy Animals if they interfere.

Cruiserweight Title: Lieutenant Loco vs. Disco Inferno

Loco starts fast with a cross body as Madden calls the Animals WCW’s resident degenerates. Disco comes back with a knee to the ribs and makes sure to mock the Misfits. That’s fine with Loco who headscissors Disco to the floor for a beatdown because the Misfits are a bunch of cheaters. Loco gets knocked to the floor and takes a beating from the Animals until the Misfits run over for the save. The Animals didn’t save Disco earlier, likely because they didn’t like him very much.

Cue Rection’s dad to hit on Tygress but Rey shoves him down, seemingly into a coma. Juvy sneaks in during the melee but misses the People’s Elbow. The distraction works though as Disco scores with the Last Dance, only to have Corporal Cajun come in with a Russian legsweep neckbreaker to give Loco the pin to retain. The referee had no issue with Cajun putting Loco on top for the pin.

Rating: D. That ending took away anything good the match had built up, which wasn’t much in the first place. There’s too much going on here for me, including the ridiculous Papa/Pops Rection (of course that’s the joke Russo is going for) stuff. The match didn’t get any time and the ending made my head hurt, making this a bad start for a show I wasn’t happy with coming in.

Post match Gunns has to give Pops mouth to mouth. In an amusing bit, he sees who is waking him up and passes out again.

Cops guarantee Bischoff that he’s safe.

The Mamalukes are ready for Kronik and argue over who is the Hardcore Champion.

If you order this show, you can get a Hulk Hogan RAFT. Yes as in an inflatable raft that you can use to float in the water. WHY DO I NOT HAVE ONE OF THOSE???

Kronik vs. Mamalukes

Winners get a title shot at some point in the future. Kronik clears the ring to start and the Mamalukes make sure to polish the Hardcore Title. Clark and Johnny start as Vito is wearing the title on the apron. A release Rock Bottom (called a uranage suplex by Hudson, which might be accurate) plants Johnny and it’s off to Vito for a double ax handle to Clark’s shoulders.

That’s about it for Vito, who is likely tired from wrestling with a metal title belt on, so it’s back to Johnny who takes a full nelson slam from Adams. A LOUD Vito Sucks chant starts up as he breaks up a cover. Either that was piped in or the fans really don’t want this match to keep going. I could believe either actually. It’s back to Vito for a running clothesline in the corner but he misses a charge to let Adams take over again.

The belt is finally ripped off and Clark throws it to the floor. Hudson calls that disrespectful but that’s probably the best treatment the thing has gotten in months. A big F5 plants Vito but he gets up at two and kicks Adams in the face. Johnny comes back in with a good looking powerslam on Clark as Vito goes over to check on the belt. Clark avoids a top rope cross body and the High Times puts Johnny away while Vito polishes the title.

Rating: D+. Not the worst match in the world here but my goodness did they really need to have the Hardcore Champions lose here? You can’t switch that back later or have another heel team in there instead? Also: it had a clean finish! Extra clean if you count Vito polishing the belt!

DDP says he has special motivation against Mike Awesome and he hopes Kimberly sticks her nose in this one.

Diamond Dallas Page vs. Mike Awesome

Ambulance match. Page wheels Kanyon out and yeah I’m sure you know what’s coming here. They slug it out to start and the referee gets decked fifteen seconds in. Both guys grab chairs and it’s time for a duel. Tony: “Like a samurai warrior!” First of all, wouldn’t it be two samurai warriors? And not in a wrestling ring? And in Japan? Awesome comes back with a clothesline and a splash as the referee is awake.

Tony thinks Awesome is going for a table. He might have been tipped off by Awesome pointing under the ring and shouting TABLE. Tony is getting better as you would have expected him to think shouting TABLE would mean it was time for two ladders and a Bastion Booger cameo. A powerbomb through the table means the EMTs come out to put Page on a stretcher and take him to the ambulance. Are the wrestlers now lazy enough that they won’t carry someone to the entrance?

Page gets up so Mike hits back to back Awesome Splashes but misses a third because two Awesome Splashes wake people up. That’s a wrestling thing in general so I can’t complain too much. Cue Kimberly with a pipe (yet another phallic weapon) to hit Page in the back. Tony: “She broke his back!” Miss Hancock comes out to take Kimberly to the back, leaving Page to hit Awesome low and Diamond Cut him off the top. That’s quite impressive for someone with a broken back.

They head to the stage with Awesome on the stretcher so here’s Bischoff to threaten Kanyon with a chair. Page makes the save and Kanyon gets out of the wheelchair to Kanyon Cut Page off the stage. He’s New Blood and puts Page on the stretcher as Bischoff’s music starts playing again. Awesome wins and they’re nice enough to play his music instead.

Rating: D. IT’S JUST SO SHOCKING! I mean, when Kimberly turned on Page at Spring Stampede, it was surprising. When Arquette turned on him at Slamboree, it was jarring. But this, the third straight pay per view where someone Page loves turns him on in a swerve that NO ONE, CERTAINLY NOT ANYONE PAYING ATTENTION AT LEAST, saw coming, it was just so shocking. Bad match of course, but that’s acceptable when something is shocking. Did I mention this was shocking? I know it’s three sentences in a row with that same idea, but if it works for turning on Page it can work for this too.

Now we get to my favorite part of a Russo show: the announcers trying to figure out what just happened. So here we have two options:

1. Bischoff talked to Kanyon in the hospital and convinced him to turn on Page, likely due to Page being a bigger star and getting Kanyon to believe that he deserved the spotlight.

2. Kanyon never was hurt and was convinced to be THROWN OFF THE TOP OF THE CAGE for a big swerve because just hitting Page with a chair was too complicated.

The first one is much more logical, but I have a strong hunch that we’re going to get the second one instead because it’s a bigger swerve. Shocking you see. Always shocking.

GI Bro vs. Shawn Stasiak

Boot Camp match, which means last man standing, based on a single match on Thunder from a few weeks back. Booker repels in from the ceiling and Stasiak has camouflage paint on his face. There’s some loud screeching noise as he talks about being the perfect soldier of fortune. It sounds like a crow getting its feathers pulled out and I have no idea where it’s coming from.

They brawl in the ring and quickly head outside with Booker in control. Back in and a top rope ax handle (I think? Booker only grazed him on the side of the head.) gets five. Shawn comes back with a hot shot and a back elbow to the jaw for eight (that’s a lot so early on). A trip to the floor makes it even worse for Booker and Shawn takes him back inside for a top rope clothesline for nine.

They head into the crowd with Shawn in full control and hitting Booker in the back for our first weapon shot nine minutes into this thing. We hit a sleeper on Booker as the fans think this is very boring. The hold may be boring, but at least it gives Tony a chance to screw up his timeline by saying Stasiak and Palumbo won the titles within the last week.

Booker fights up with an Angle Slam and a Rock Bottom but here’s Palumbo with the workout bar. An ax kick puts him down but Stasiak gets in a shot with the bar. Booker clotheslines both of them down and hits Palumbo in the face with the exercise bar, which of course doesn’t even knock him out for half a second. Another shot to Shawn’s face is good for the ten count to give Booker the win.

Rating: D-. Gah they were so close to just a boring match here when they had the Tag Team Champions get beaten down by one guy. This really should have been a regular match and is a good example of a match that was hurt by the gimmick. As a regular match it would have been more acceptable (not good mind you), but as a last man standing match it’s horrible. For the life of me I don’t get the appeal of Stasiak. The guy is passable in the ring and that’s the extent of his appeal. It’s no surprise to me that he was retired by 2002 because there just wasn’t much upside to him.

A minor trivia note: clips from the previous two matches and from a recent Thunder were used in a game on an episode of Whose Line Is It Anyway.

Kanyon says Bischoff came to the hospital and told him that all he had to do to be a star was put Page out. We see Page getting out of the ambulance before it left the arena. However, since we’re in Russo land, they wedge another angle into this with Goldberg’s monster truck being seen in the parking lot. Kanyon is positive that Page is gone. In fact he’s positively Kanyon.

Let’s go back to that truck arriving. I understand the idea of wanting to make things seem realistic and that worked here: Page is in the parking lot and the camera happens to see the Goldberg truck in the same parking lot. However, again it feels like there’s too much going on at any given time. This was something else forced into the show that doesn’t need to be here, or at least not at this exact time. Let the Page shot be its own thing so it looks like something we should care about.

Shane Douglas vs. The Wall

Before the match, Shane has something to say. Well at least it keeps us from seeing him wrestle. He promises to define his career at the Wall’s expense while the New Blood is getting rid of Hulk Hogan and “Dick Flair.” Hudson: “It’s Ric Flair.” Shane wants to make it a best of five tables matches (I think so at least. He starts by saying best of five table matches (as in five table matches) then goes to saying five tables will be broken, which would make it best of nine and then switches to best out of five). Tony says it’s the first to go through five tables is the loser but then calls that person the survivor. I’m lost but Wall agrees.

So I think it’s the first to put your opponent through three tables because you have to go by what they mean and not what they say. There are tables around the ring to save some time. Wall gorilla presses him down and shoves Shane away off a swinging neckbreaker attempt. Hudson says it’s best of nine again and my head keeps hurting. Shane comes back with a running knee to the face and a clothesline to put Wall on the floor.

A few rams into the barricade don’t do much to Wall so he chokeslams Shane through the first table. Shane goes through the second a few moments later and now we’re told it’s first to three. It astounds me that they didn’t WRITE THIS STUFF DOWN IN ADVANCE but that might not be totally realistic, which is what you’re shooting for in a match built around putting people through tables. A low blow has little effect on Wall. Hudson: “That’s what we call no selling.” Actually that’s what we call it Scott. You’re supposed to be smarter than that. It’s why you have a job.

They head up to the entrance where there just happens to be a ladder with three tables stacked on top of each other next to it. Both guys climb the ladder and Shane nails him with brass knuckles, causing Wall to jump through two and a half of the three tables but we’ll count it as three anyway.

Rating: F. The match ran just over eight minutes and they didn’t know the rules for the first five or six. I….yeah move on to the next match. It makes the show move faster and means I don’t have to think about the fact that not only can WCW not book a show properly, but they also can’t count.

Hogan arrives an hour and fifteen minutes into the show. Unless I missed it, he left a nice Dodge Charger in the middle of the parking lot and didn’t take the keys with him. Does anyone in this family know how to take care of cars?

US Title: Tank Abbott vs. Scott Steiner

Scott is defending and this is inside the mini Asylum cage. The bell rings without the cage being lowered so Penzer says that since the Asylum is Scott’s signature match, let’s make it a handicap match with Rick Steiner on Tank’s side.

US Title: Tank Abbott/Rick Steiner vs. Scott Steiner

The fans chant for Goldberg and the cage is finally lowered. Not all the way to the mat or anything of course, but who doesn’t want the cage to move around the ring during a match? The Freaks get on the apron to cheer for Scott and Tank accidentally hits Rick with a chain. Rick might have shoved Rick out of the way to take the bullet but we need to get on to Scott hitting Tank with the chain and putting on the Recliner to retain.

Rating: F. The cage match itself lasted maybe a minute and a half and had a highlight of Shakira and Midajah in some rather fetching outfits. Rick and Tank look like even bigger losers than they have in the past, there’s no recap of why these guys are fighting (I think they brawled a few weeks ago on Nitro? Maybe?) and the Asylum is stupid. Next please.

Ric Flair and company arrives, an hour and twenty minutes into the show. He looks like Doc Brown Goes Hawaiian.

We recap Hogan vs. Kidman with Horace as referee. Hogan thought Kidman couldn’t headline a flea market (first mentioned on TV about six weeks into the feud) so Kidman got some unofficial pins on him, only to lose on pay per view. Tonight it’s Hogan’s career vs. a title shot next month.

Regarding Horace, Hollywood says blood is thicker than New Blood.

Kidman vs. Hollywood Hogan

Kidman’s on again/off again partner and Hollywood’s nephew Horace Hogan is guest referee. They circle each other before the bell because this has to be dragged out as long as they can. Some right hands sends Kidman outside early, followed by a big boot to put him outside again. Back in again and Hulk does his horribly outdated choking. Kidman gets in a few kicks and that’s enough selling for now, meaning it’s weightlifting belt time.

They’re outside for the third time in five minutes and Kidman dropkicks a chair into his face to get his first advantage. How nice of Hogan to let him do that. Kidman tries a DDT but the camera clearly shows that Hogan’s head never comes near colliding with anything. A top rope splash gets two for Kidman but it’s time for more right hands to get Hogan back in control.

Outside again with a hiptoss putting Kidman through the table (did dust fly off the table when he hit it?), revealing Tony’s blue jacket, green pants and tennis shoes. Egads man. Anyway here’s Torrie to hand Hogan brass knuckles but Kidman knocks Hulk into Torrie, knocking her off the apron. Kidman hits Hulk with the knuckles for two and punches out Horace for counting slowly, only to have Torrie hit Kidman low. Another punch from Hulk with the knuckles puts Kidman away and sends Hogan to Bash at the Beach.

Rating: D-. How gracious Hogan was to let Kidman beat him up for all of a minute and a half. It’s another wasted match with Hogan going over by cheating and a guest referee who didn’t change a thing. I actually forgot that Horace was even in this for the most part, again proving that the gimmick didn’t add anything.

Hulk and Horace hug. Uh….yay?

Bischoff is panicking because Goldberg might show up. The cops ensure him that perimeter is secure.

Quick recap of Vince Russo vs. Ric Flair though they lie and say it’s David fighting his father. Basically Ric is the worst father ever and David called him out on it. Then Russo beat Flair inside the Cell because he’s a man and Ric is a boy.

David and Russo say Ric is retired tonight.

Ric promises to do the same things he’s promised to do for twenty years.

The Flair Family comes to their seats.

Ric Flair vs. David Flair

Ric takes his son into the corner and taps him on the jaw as the announcers talk about Russo being able to do things that no one has ever been able to accomplish. They head outside with Ric being sent into the barricade to give David control. A sleeper breaks up David’s suplex and it’s time for the chops. David clotheslines him to the floor and Russo gets in some ball bat shots before he handcuffs Ric’s hands together. We hit a bad Figure Four until Ric makes the ropes.

Russo chokes Ric so Reid jumps the barricade (WAY too common recently) and gets shoved down. Reid hits him low and steals the handcuff keys but David shoves him into the corner. Ric gets the keys and uncuffs himself, leaving Ashley (Charlotte, who looks almost the same as she does now at 14 years old here) to take Russo down and cuff him, likely fulfilling ANOTHER sick Russo fantasy that I really don’t need to think about.

Russo swears at the 14 year old (after shoving the 12 year old) and Ric thrusts his hips at him. A slam brings David off the top and the Figure Four makes David tap in two seconds, thereby proving the Russo is in fact more than 35 times tougher than David as he survived seventy seconds without tapping on Monday.

Rating: D. To quote the Gorilla: WILL YOU STOP??? This was every Russo problem rolled into one as there was WAY too much going on, but above all else it felt like some sick idea that only Russo wanted to see. “Here’s what I’m seeing: I beat up the 12 year old who looks just like the kids that beat me up every day, then the 14 year old blonde mounts me like none of them ever would back in high school because I liked this stupid wrestling stuff that I have to write now because I’m cursed to be made a millionaire.”

Russo has already had a woman kidnapped a dozen times or so and now he’s got this. How is any of this stuff supposed to make anyone but Russo look good? David gets beaten up but Russo already got to be all manly in the Figure Four Monday night when he beat Ric. I’m shocked that he doesn’t have Miss Hancock bowing down and worshiping him already, but then he might have to write even more columns and books about how hard this was on him and how it broke his life or whatever “FEEL SORRY FOR ME AND MY MANLINESS” nonsense Russo still gets people to pay for.

Russo lets Ric chop him once before swearing revenge tomorrow on Nitro. So yeah: this meant nothing, Russo is still fine, and the battle will continue with Russo coming back stronger than ever. Ric, Reid and Beth do crotch chops at Russo, who swears to retire Ric tomorrow night. He’s going to beat Flair again tomorrow isn’t he?

We recap Vampiro vs. Sting which is about Vampiro wanting to burn Sting alive because it was interesting when Kane wanted to do it to Undertaker and let’s just do it again here.

Sting vs. Vampiro

There’s a torch hanging by the entrance and you have to get your opponent up there and light them on fire to win. There are firemen, cops and an ambulance waiting in the back. We can add “keeping civil servants busy” to Russo’s amazing list of accomplishments from this show alone. Sting appears on top of the video screen and tells Vampiro to come up here. Vampiro is scared of heights though because Russo writes characters with depth you see.

Never mind as Sting comes down and we start an actual match. Well as close to an actual match as this is going to get. Madden quotes 8mm by saying “You dance with the devil, the devil don’t change. The devil changes you.” but treats it like his own line. Vampiro pours gasoline over Sting and they fight up the ramp. Both guys climb the structure but Sting gets kicked off and through part of the set.

It isn’t enough to keep him down though and they climb to the top of the structure above the video screen where the torch is hanging. The lights start going nuts and they slug it out for a good while. Vampiro DDTs him down and the lights go completely out. Vampiro finally gets the torch and lights Sting on fire. Sting is so scared that he’s lost a few inches of hair and has learned how to take a stuntman fall off a high video tower.

Rating: N/A. As Scott Hudson would say after the match, this isn’t wrestling anymore. This is about doing a big stunt like we’re in a Michael Bay movie. On top of that, a long stretch of this “match” was spent punching each other on top of a big video screen. How is anything supposed to follow this? Jeff Jarrett vs. Kevin Nash? That’s supposed to interest me after this big ending?

Firemen and agent cover the stuntman with fire extinguishers so you can’t see that it’s not him.

The announcers treat this all seriously (as they should) but then the replays ruin the whole thing by showing that the fire was out before Sting hit the crash pad.

Pamela Paulshock asks Bischoff about the big surprise but Bischoff says it’s not happening because of Goldberg.

WCW World Title: Jeff Jarrett vs. Kevin Nash

Nash won his shot in a tag match after giving the title to Flair, who had been trading it back and forth with Jeff in an attempt to build a years long legacy in five weeks. After Nash comes out, here’s the Cat to introduce the celebrities, including the bale (yes bale) ringer Konnan, timekeeper Rey Mysterio, belt keeper Disco Inferno and ring announcer Juventud Guererra. Oh and Cat himself is guest enforcer referee. Well to be fair, Nash has beaten like ten people at once multiple times now so this is probably in his favor.

Nash punches the Animals down before going after Jarrett in the corner. In a weird moment, some noise from the entrance stops the match cold and everyone looks up that way but it winds up going nowhere and Nash clotheslines Jeff to the floor. Snake Eyes puts Jeff on the announcers’ table and they brawl into the crowd, which is at least a faster way to kill time than letting them do moves in the ring (I’m not sure about calling what Nash does wrestling).

The Animals beat Nash down at ringside and Jeff gets in a few chair shots. The fans chant for Goldberg as the old school leg work continues. Imagine any old Ric Flair match, slow it down by 40%, and cut off some of Ric’s hair if you want to picture what’s going on here. The Figure Four lets Nash lay around even more until he grabs the ropes. Konnan adds a bell shot for two and Disco throws in the belt, only to have Nash intercept it and knock Jeff cold.

Disco makes up for it by taking out the referee at two and the GOLDBERG chants are getting even louder. Cat comes in and Nash fights off the Animals again, only to eat the Stroke for a delayed two. Jeff tries the guitar but gets chokeslammed for two as Cat has something in his eye.

There’s a powerbomb to Cat and a second to Nash but Rick Steiner comes in to go after Nash. This brings out Tank Abbott to brawl with Scott Steiner who was there to intercept Rick. Juvy gets launched into a dropkick on Nash, followed by a Bronco Buster from Rey. We FINALLY get Goldberg and yeah of course he’s New Blood. Why is he New Blood? SHOCKING! The spear (and a horrible one) lets Jeff retain.

Rating: F. Disco and Chavo, who could have a good match if they were left alone, get about five minutes and this gets over seventeen. Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels had to be at their best to get seventeen good minutes out of Kevin Nash and we’re stuck with a middle of the road Jeff Jarrett to try instead?

The overbooking might have been a good idea here but the whole “let’s throw away the one last glimmer of hope we have” In case you’re wondering how this great move helped ratings, the Nitro before this got a 2.8, the next night got a 3.0 (Raw was at a 6.8) and the next week Nitro was a 2.7. Shock value continues to not work in the ratings but Russo will keep swearing by it because people talk about it. Talking doesn’t equal watching of course but Russo doesn’t equal wrestling so it all evens out somehow.

Russo and Bischoff come out of the monster truck and the heels all pose. To sum up WCW’s brilliance and how predictable Russo was at this point, Madden talks about how no one saw this coming as the camera is on a GOLDBERG IS NEW BLOOD sign. Oh and the fans are still chanting GOLDBERG because he’s still awesome and more interesting than anyone in the promotion because of how intense he can be. Trash fills the ring to end the show.

Overall Rating: S. For SHOCKING, which is the word of the night. We’re at the point where just calling these shows failures is nowhere near strong enough. I have no idea what the thinking is here other than trying to catch the fans off guard, but as that sign showed: people had figured Russo’s booking out a long time ago because it’s always the last thing you would expect/the dumbest idea they could go with.

We’re now on Hogan (#1 contender), Nash, Flair and Steiner as the top faces (the youngest of these would be Steiner at 37) vs. the combined forces of Eric Bischoff, Vince Russo, Goldberg and Jeff Jarrett, meaning the World Champion is now, at best, the fourth biggest heel on this roster (there’s a case for Vampiro being above him too). And this is supposed to make me want to keep watching.

Russo has lost what little sanity he had left and has moved on to nothing but shock value for the sake of shock value with his booking decisions. This show was built on one idea and the fans filled the ring with trash while still chanting for the new top level heel. That’s his big takeaway from this: the fans hate him and one of his top stars was burned up like he was part of a Labor Day barbecue.

There’s nothing good on this show and I don’t remember the last time I gave so many matches a failing grade. The best match was probably Kronik vs. the Mamalukes, meaning the match where a guy turned away from a chance to become #1 contender to the Tag Team Titles so he could polish the joke title that he was given off camera on Wednesday. In two and three quarter hours, I can’t think of a single thing better than a below average #1 contenders tag team match that lasted about nine minutes.

Now the World Champion looks like a joke, Kevin Nash and Hulk Hogan are WAY too old to mean anything, Ric Flair is stuck in an eternal feud with a writer who already beat him in a big gimmick match and the most popular guy on the roster was just turned heel to give the heel stable a big gun. Oh and the World Champion is a lame duck waiting for Hogan to take the title again next month.

This is the rare show that feels like it’s designed to punish the audience for watching. It felt like Russo saying “SCREW YOU PEOPLE! You think you’re smarter than me with your internet saying Russo jumped the shark? I’ll show you what you can do with your little protests. ALL SWERVES THAT YOU’LL NEVER SEE COMING!” And then the fans are stuck here, watching Russo get mounted by a 14 year old who handcuffs him so he can swear at her before promising to get revenge on Ric again (which I’m sure he will because this company is his playground). Awful show that gets worse and worse the more I think about it.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of Complete 1997 Monday Night Raw Reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Monday Nitro #243
Date: June 5, 2000
Location: Philips Arena, Atlanta, Georgia
Attendance: 13,487
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Scott Hudson, Mark Madden

It’s the go home show for the Great American Bash and they finally have the main event set as Kevin Nash is going to get a shot at Jeff Jarrett’s World Title. Tonight’s big match is the long awaited Goldberg vs. Tank Abbott showdown. Given that it’s a Russo run show, you never know what changes we might see so let’s get to it.

We recap Abbott vs. Goldberg in a failed attempt to make us believe that Abbott has a chance.

Here are Russo and Bischoff to open things up with Eric professing his LOVE for the crowd. If this show is as bad as I’m expecting, he needs to work on how he professes his affection for people. Bischoff brags about Luger being out with a broken face and Liz being too scared to come out of her dressing room. Wait if Luger isn’t here why did Liz show up?

Tonight Nash is running the New Blood gauntlet and if he loses, he’s out of the title match on Sunday. Also, Jarrett will defend the title against Sting. If they love Jarrett so much, why are they always putting him through this stuff? Russo whines about being forced out of New York and having nothing left to do but come down here to Atlanta. Tonight he’s going to destroy Space Mountain inside the big cage (a Cell instead of a regular cage) and give Flair the brain damage he deserves.

Bischoff promises to take the Hardcore Title from Terry Funk tonight. He’s not kidding is he? Eric rants about Goldberg messing up the plans to take out Nash last week and threatens to suspend him, only to have Goldberg himself come out. Russo says Goldberg has never dealt with a New Yorker and tells him to SPEAR THIS and does a crotch chop. So he wants…..never mind. Goldberg charges through security but the bosses escape.

After a break we look at what just happened and DJ Ran can be heard in the background. At least he’s not up in my area anymore.

Bischoff and Russo yell at the New Blood. Torrie can be seen storming off as this goes on. Good for her.

Tag Team Titles: Kronik vs. Chuck Palumbo/Shawn Stasiak

Rematch from Thunder where Stasiak/Palumbo took the belts via DQ. It’s a brawl to start until we get down to Palumbo charging into Clark’s elbow as the other two fight on the ramp. Shouldn’t Stasiak be destroyed by Adams in a straight fight? All four wind up in the ring and Clark plants Palumbo with a quick Meltdown. Remember when that was a big move and not just a transitional one for a guy in a tag team?

To make sure it’s clear how low that move has sunk, Adams throws Chuck (still legal I believe) to the floor to work on Stasiak, who seems to be legal by default now. Cue the Cat as Stasiak punches back on Adams but Palumbo has to come in to break up a piledriver attempt. A neckbreaker from Shawn brings Palumbo back in but Stasiak comes right back in with a high cross body.

Adams is tired of his hair being messed up and grabs a backbreaker on Shawn, setting up the tags to Clark and Palumbo. Clark cleans house but the Cat gets in the ring and threatens the referee. Palumbo and Clark fight into the crowd and Adams drops Stasiak onto the steps. With everyone on the floor, Cat grabs the referee and demands a count right now. Adams throws Stasiak in and Cat counts a very fast eight nine ten to retain the titles.

Rating: D+. This wasn’t the worst match but you knew we were getting a screwy ending. Here’s the problem with this show: the ending here makes sense as Palumbo and Stasiak can’t hang with Kronik in a straight match so the heel boss is cheating. That’s standard operating procedure and makes sense here. However, when you have some kind of shenanigans of some sort in every match, something good like this has no impact.

Kronik goes after Cat but the champs make the save and take the beating themselves.

Kidman yells at Torrie (in a bikini with a skirt) for some reason until Major Gunns of all people makes the save, earning her some swearing.

Nash doesn’t have much to say about the gauntlet match but chuckles at being the last man in the building. “My gimmick’s alive!”

Video on Kidman vs. Hogan.

Gunns cries to the Misfits about what Kidman said to her. G.I. Bro promises to take care of things.

Goldberg chats with Nash and Steiner.

G.I. Bro vs. Kidman

So why would Russo and Bischoff grant Bro this match and what else did they have planned here? Booker is wrestling in his hat and clotheslines Kidman down to start. Some right hands in the corner have Kidman in even more trouble but Booker calls Gunns in for Shattered Dreams but here’s Kidman to hit him low instead. As usual, the referee doesn’t care about interference so Booker gets the pin off a Rock Bottom.

Both groups come in for the brawl and the Animals dominate.

Hardcore Title: Eric Bischoff vs. Terry Funk

Funk is defending and Bischoff has the Cat with him to make this a bit less painful. Cat kicks a chair into Funk’s face, allowing Bischoff to demonstrate his nunchucks. Funk comes back with a trashcan and shields himself from Bischoff’s shots over and over. The villains run away and Funk chases them to the back…..and that’s it for now I guess.

The announcers chat so here’s Miss Hancock to dance. Before she can get anywhere, here are Kimberly and Awesome (with new music). Kimberly accuses Hancock of stealing her spotlight and doing it very poorly. Apparently the stripping secretary look was out in 1993 and isn’t doing anything for Hancock today. Kimberly hits her with the clipboard and leaves, but Hancock calls Kimberly fat (likely not allowed on TV today) and tells her to get back here. They’ll fight later apparently.

As they leave, Funk wheels Bischoff back to ringside (with Awesome looking at them without stopping) but we cut to the back (segment #4 in this match) to see Russo sending in the Mamalukes. Funk loads up a Stinkface but the Mamalukes come in and lay out Funk in less than two minutes, giving Bischoff the pin and the title.

Rating: F. Why let a wrestler do this when you can have a writer do it for you? The whole idea has been throwing challenger after challenger at Funk and he somehow escapes each time. Now for some reason the big ending is Bischoff taking the title instead of the Mamalukes, who haven’t done anything in months other than be more names on a long list of New Blood members. Let them be the ones to take the title instead, because this was all about giving Bischoff the spotlight because he hasn’t gotten enough of it yet. Such is life in WCW.

The Flairs are here.

US Title: Scott Steiner vs. Vampiro

Steiner is defending and talks about meeting up with some woman in Atlanta earlier today. For reasons that likely connect to Russo’s view on women, the Freaks are very pleased by this story. Vampiro has the gas and blow torch with him. The champ pounds away in the corner to start and throws Vampiro around with ease. A hard clothesline sets up the bicep elbow and they head outside.

Steiner blasts him in the back with a chair and slams him through a table as this is totally one sided so far. Vampiro pops back up and sends Scott into the barricade before throwing him back inside for a top rope spinwheel kick. There’s a blow torch to the face, only to have Midajah come in off the top with a high cross body. Vampiro chases her up the ramp with the gas and torch but here’s Sting for the save. Again, NONE OF THIS IS A DQ so Steiner suplexes Vampiro again and puts on the Recliner to retain.

Rating: D. So Steiner squashes Vampiro, Vampiro can only get back in it by cheating, then a baseball bat to the ribs isn’t enough for a DQ. There was no mention of Steiner’s title defense on Sunday because I’d be surprised they remember that he actually has a match on the pay per view. This wasn’t a bad squash until it got all zany with the fire stuff.

Tank Abbott vs. Goldberg

Tank chills on the floor for a bit until Goldberg catches him with a superkick….and it’s Rick Steiner coming in with a chair. Two shots and the big right hand from Tank get two and we’ve got Nash coming through the crowd (smart) for the save. Goldberg spears Abbott and hits the Jackhammer for the pin. This was exactly what I was expecting: a segment instead of a match, even though they could have done exactly the same thing in a two minute squash.

Kimberly yells about Hancock.

WCW World Title: Sting vs. Jeff Jarrett

Sting is challenging and again this is in the middle of the card. Jeff jumps him during the entrances but Sting comes right back with a hot shot. Jeff’s dropkick is blocked by a powerbomb and he has to kick away from a Deathlock. Sting takes a chair to the back and they brawl around ringside for a bit. A clothesline puts the champ back inside and we get the sunset flip with the referee kicking Jeff’s hands away spot. Back up and Sting grabs a rollup for the pin and the title out of nowhere, beating Jarrett in less than two and a half minutes.

Oh never mind as Bischoff comes out and says he changed his mind because that wasn’t a title match. Jeff tries a belt shot but Sting ducks and puts him in the Deathlock on the ramp as Hudson talks about a Dusty Finish. Sting clocks Jarrett with the guitar and goes after Bischoff. Spoiler for later: save for Jarrett being taken away in an ambulance, neither Sting nor Jarrett will be seen for the rest of the show. The World Champion just got pinned clean in less than three minutes in the middle of a show six days before he defends the title in the main event of a pay per view. By the way, here are the recent ratings for Raw and Nitro:

May 22 – Raw: 7.1, Nitro: 3.0

May 29 – Raw: 6.4, Nitro: 3.0

June 5 – Raw: 5.9, Nitro: 2.8

June 12 – Raw: 6.8, Nitro: 3.0

Yeah keep going with that burying your champion after changing the title 18 times in five months. Maybe if you work hard, Raw will only double your numbers.

Jeff is put in an ambulance.

Here are Awesome and Kimberly to deal with Hancock. Before Hancock comes out though, Awesome talks trash about Page and introduces the women. Kimberly is ready to go but Hancock insists that Kimberly sign a release for the beating she’s about to get. Kimberly signs it so Hancock flashes the Diamond Cutter sign. Cue Page, but Kimberly brings up the restraining order. CAN YOU PLEASE JUST GET TO A MATCH??? As I’m sure you can guess, Kimberly just signed away the restraining order and it’s time for a mixed tag.

Kimberly/Mike Awesome vs. Diamond Dallas Page/Miss Hancock

The girls start but Kimberly poses instead of doing anything. Hancock goes after her and Kimberly calls that pathetic. Now it’s time for Hancock to dance before she rips the M off the ME on Kimberly’s top. We’re still waiting on anything to actually happen. Kimberly tries to slap Page but he gets his hand up.

They catfight for a bit until Hancock slaps Awesome and runs over to Page for an actual wrestling match. Page speeds it up with a jumping clothesline and starts a brawl. That goes nowhere so Page tries a backslide, only to take a low blow to give Awesome control. Awesome sends Page flying with a nice German suplex but Page is right back up to send him into the buckle.

That’s enough wrestling (all minute and a half of it that we actually got) so they head outside with Awesome setting up a table. Back in and Awesome lands a frog splash as Hancock looks like she’d rather be anywhere else. Mike loads up the powerbomb over the top but Hancock pulls up her skirt for a distraction, allowing Page to grab a Diamond Cutter for the pin.

Rating: F. I know it’s hard to consider something a failure when it has Hancock and Kimberly in the same match but dear goodness this was a waste of time. This might have been fine on a house show but I’m supposed to believe that Awesome is this career killer and he’s in a glorified comedy mixed tag? Total waste of time.

Pamela tells us that Hulk isn’t fighting tonight.

Horace Hogan vs. Hulk Hogan

For some reason the cage is halfway down. Before the match, Bischoff says Jeff is going to be fine and tells Horace not to bother putting up a table because Hulk isn’t going to be here. So instead here’s Hollywood Hogan because this is different I guess. Hollywood asks for the cage to be completely lowered and it’s time for a Cell match because that’s what this match needed.

Hollywood starts in on the beating and it’s already weightlifting belt time. Horace bails to the floor where the beating continues but he kicks a chair into his uncle’s face to get a breather. Some chair shots hit the post though and Hollywood fights back, setting up the legdrop onto the chair onto Horace’s face for the pin.

Kidman comes in but gets beaten down as well.

Ric is ready for revenge. Yeah I’m sure.

Vince Russo vs. Ric Flair

Let’s get this over with because you know where this is going. Remember that this is in the Cell cage instead of a standard version, likely so we can have multiple interferences. Ric has Reid and Beth with him, meaning they’ll likely be kidnapped again. Russo looks terrified, albeit in a perfectly manly way. Vince grabs a headlock to start and shoulders Ric down. So he’s now on the list with names like Sting, Hogan and Luger.

Ric pops back up and goes for some chops but Russo kicks him low. Thankfully Flair is right back to his feet for some chops and a low blow of his own. This is probably more than Russo has sold since he’s been back. Ric suplexes him down and drops a knee because this is a wrestling match and not Russo’s total destruction because he’s the star of the show and therefore can’t take a beating like that. A few whips into the cage and chops have Russo in more trouble so here’s David Flair from under the ring to give Russo a chance.

So Ric beats up his son for a bit as Russo sets up a ladder in the ring for no apparent reason. He climbs up and pulls part of the roof down, likely so we can have more interference. Russo gets to the top of the cage but Ric follows him, only to get poked in the eye so Russo can get the better of it. Vince climbs back into the cage but Ric stomps his hands to make him fall. Since this is WCW, the camera misses the big crash.

Ric climbs down the ladder and puts Vince in the Figure Four, which Russo survives for OVER A MINUTE until the red liquid falls from the ceiling and knocks Ric and Charles Robinson out. David puts Ric in the Figure Four and Russo pops to his feet (not even a limp) and chokes Ric until Robinson counts the pin. Russo is polite enough to collapse after walking around the ring for a bit.

Rating: F. Think back for a minute to all the matches Flair has won with the Figure Four. He’s won titles, tournaments, showdowns, pay per view main events etc. with that hold and some of the biggest names of all time have passed out in the hold. You know who didn’t pass out or give up to it after nearly seventy seconds? Vince Russo. A writer, who still hasn’t lost a match in WCW and probably never will. Ric better have gotten a medal for putting Russo over like this because it

Nash and Steiner have a meeting before the main event.

The announcers chat for a bit. I always love seeing them at a makeshift table for some reason. It sums up WCW so well.

Kevin Nash vs. New Blood

Gauntlet match. Disco is out first in an Atlanta Falcons jersey, of course leading out Russo who is still not wearing a shirt. We get some Russo acting as he says Nash loses his shot if he gets pinned or if any of the Millionaires interfere. There are about ten guys on the ramp to come after Nash and Disco is in first, only to take a side slam for a quick pin after about nine seconds.

Candido and Johnny the Bull come in at the same time and Chris takes a Jackknife. Nash goes on to Johnny but the referee counts a pin on Candido, even though no one is touching him. Johnny gets the same treatment after a Jackknife, even though there was nothing stopping Nash from throwing a boot on him for a pin. Big Vito comes in and Nash Jackknifes him almost immediately for a “pin”. Even Nash seems confused as to why he doesn’t have to cover anyone and managed to get a boot on the chest at the three count.

Mysterio eats a big boot and Nash covers him with a boot for the pin. Normally I would make fun of Nash for embarrassing Mysterio like that but at least he’s trying to do this mess properly. Six guys come in for a big beatdown but here’s Goldberg to help Nash clean house. The match is thrown out somewhere at about two minutes and fifteen seconds. Yeah Nash beat (kind of at least) five guys in about a minute and WCW wonders why these guys weren’t taken seriously.

This brings out Bischoff to say that Goldberg is going to be suspended on Wednesday. Why he’s not suspended right now isn’t clear but Goldberg cuts him off to say if Bischoff suspends him, Bischoff is next to end the show.

Overall Rating: IWW. I was wrong. Dear goodness I was wrong about thinking it couldn’t get any worse than the things they had been doing. Between Russo staying in the Figure Four for over a minute and then not even limping ten seconds later to Bischoff winning a title to Nash and Goldberg running through the New Blood inside of five minutes to the World Champion losing in a nothing match that didn’t last three minutes, this show wasn’t just bad.

This show was running in the opposite direction and seemingly trying to either be as horrible and against what the fans wanted as possible. The pay per view was secondary to pushing the writers as the real stars of the show while so much of the night was about nothing. I have no idea what was supposed to make me want to get keep watching this show because the stories are totally uninteresting and far more confusing than they should be.

It’s really saying something when a show that aired over fifteen years ago makes me want to scream but this show pulled it off. WCW isn’t just about making Russo and Bischoff look good but now there’s almost nothing else on the show that I want to see. The World Title looks to be about on the same level as the WWF European Title (held by Eddie Guerrero at this point) right now and that’s not going to be enough to carry a promotion.

This company is about Russo and Bischoff vs. Nash, Goldberg and Hogan. Aside from being another version of the evil boss vs. the stars, the major problem here is none of the villains are treated like anything special, save for Russo and Bischoff. As I’ve said before, McMahon would take a beating and lose at times to make the winners look better. Russo still doesn’t get that though and it’s making for a horrible show, only to have the atrocious booking exacerbate everything. WCW can’t be saved by one tweak at this point, but at least it could hurt less. Unfortunately it’s probably going to get worse. It always does.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of Complete 1997 Monday Night Raw Reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/product/B015IN12I2

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Monday Nitro #242
Date: May 29, 2000
Location: E Center, Salt Lake City, Utah
Commentators: Scott Hudson, Mark Madden, Tony Schiavone

So Kevin Nash is World Champion again after winning a triple threat match over Jeff Jarrett and Scott Steiner last week on Thunder. Jarrett had been awarded/won the title (it’s still not clear) two days before after Ric Flair had it vacated earlier tonight after winning it the week before. That’s about a fourth of the title changes this year and that’s all you need to know about WCW right now. Let’s get to it.

Clips from Thunder that led to Nash winning the title in a match announced an hour earlier. Sadly, that’s good for WCW.

Ric Flair arrives with his wife and Reid. He tells his family to stay in the limo but Russo and security immediately kidnap them. What is up with Russo’s kidnapping fetish? It’s like once every show.

Here’s Kevin Nash wearing an FUNB shirt to open things up. Before he can say anything though, here’s Scott Steiner, who is still US Champion in case you had forgotten. Nash thanks Steiner for helping him out on Thunder because it’s been eight weeks since Russo and Bischoff promised to take out the millionaires. That includes Bischoff running Page’s personal life, Hogan in a retirement match at the Great American Bash (that’s news) and Vampiro wanting to set Sting on fire.

That leaves Nash, who didn’t go according to their plans. Everyone wants to strangle Russo right now, including Nash’s buddy in Orlando. Nash talks about how hard it is to kill a legend and brings out Ric Flair for a chat. Ric still doesn’t seem to realize that his family has been kidnapped, but he’s already proven that he cares more about business than his family anyway. Ric yells about David and it seems the match for the Bash is back on. He promises to bury his son in a few weeks but tonight he’s going to beat Russo back to New York.

Nash has a present for Ric: the World Title. That would be title change #17 since the beginning of the year. Cue Jarrett who thinks the three of them are whining like a bunch of women on the View. Russo has made Nash vs. Rick Steiner and Tank Abbott in a handicap match. So was that going to be for the title in the first place or did Russo really not care about what happens to the belt?

Scott is banned from the ring because Russo owns them both. That’s fine with Steiner, because he doesn’t believe in the idea of talking out his problems. “Even when my freaks get out of line, I gotta slap them.” Jeff gets a title shot against Flair as well, which again makes me wonder what the plans were until Nash gave Flair the title. Ric says no anyway. This brings out Russo in a sleeveless shirt to show off his MANLY arms (manly here would mean arms the size of a thirteen year old) to bring out the kidnapped Flairs. The Millionaires clean house but Russo gets away with Flair’s wife.

So to recap: Nash AGAIN isn’t interested in being World Champion and just hands someone the title, Flair turns down a title defense because he doesn’t feel like it and Russo gets away again. That’s another item on the long list of problems with Russo: he never got what was coming to him. Bischoff and McMahon would at least take a beating once in awhile, but Russo never actually lost a match in WCW. Russo is some untouchable god though and always gets away with everything he’s doing. It gets old fast but it’s another example of Russo making it all about himself and ruining the company in the process.

Vampiro arrives in a gasoline truck.

Ric is looking for his family. This is a B movie plot.

Apparently the title match is on as Flair had no choice. In other words: Russo gets what he wants and Flair is broken one more time.

Lieutenant Loco vs. Disco Inferno

Disco tries to imitate the Filthy Animals by asking where his dogs are at and declaring it all swell. Konnan wants the Misfits to “pop their collars and get their mash on.” While we’re at it, let’s make this a lumberjack match. It’s a brawl to start with the Misfits throwing Disco back inside but he grabs Chavo for a hot shot.

Now it’s the Animals stomping Guerrero down to keep Disco, in a Scottie Pippen jersey, in control. Disco and Rection fight on the floor so Rey loads up a Bronco Buster on Chavo, only to have Major Gunns intercept him. He’s dumb enough to spread his legs in the corner, earning himself that low blow. Chavo tornado DDT’s Disco for the fast pin.

Post match it’s Tygress of the Nitro Girls coming in for a catfight. Madden breaks the news that she’s Mysterio’s girlfriend. Makes more sense now, though I feel dirty learning it from Mark Madden.

Vampiro says only the sinners will burn and there’s going to be a fire tonight. As Vampiro is talking to Pamela Paulshock, Kronik knock Horace Hogan across the room. This brings in Stasiak and Palumbo to beat up Kronik.

Here’s Miss Hancock with something to say. She wants to show us that she can have fun and it’s time to dance but here’s Chris Candido to break it up. We cut to the Russo locker room where David panics and runs off, leaving Russo to yell at the Flairs even more. Candido yells at Hancock and grabs her by the hair but David comes in for the save. This brings in Ric to brawl with David, though shouldn’t he be trying to save his kidnapped family?

Kimberly (homina homina homina) arrives and is mobbed by paparazzi. So that’s where Melina got the idea.

We get a clip of Kimberly on the phone with Bischoff as she gets rid of all of Page’s stuff.

Here’s G.I. Bro with something to say to yell about Shawn Stasiak attacking him after their match on Thunder. Therefore, it’s a Boot Camp match at the pay per view. Next up it’s the awesome Mike Awesome who didn’t get the job done a few weeks ago. Since we haven’t had one in long enough, let’s have an ambulance match right now.

Mike Awesome vs. G.I. Bro

They brawl on the ramp to start and Awesome slingshots into the ring to take Bro down. A powerbomb does the same but Awesome dives into a dropkick. This is another one of those matches where they have to get in everything they can because it’s probably only getting a few minutes due to all the Russo segments we need to get to. Booker messes up a leapfrog but comes back with a jumping clothesline and the ax kick.

They head up the ramp but Awesome hits him with Kanyon’s halo. You remember WWF War Zone where the audience would throw in stuff like TVs and camera as weapons? Well on this show people pull out medical halos to use in matches where you’re supposed to put your opponent in an ambulance. Somehow a TV doesn’t sound like that big of a stretch. Cue Diamond Dallas Page to help chokeslam Awesome off the ramp and through a table before tossing Mike into the ambulance for the win. Another under three minute match with ten minutes of stuff packed in.

Palumbo and Stasiak are sitting in the back with Liz next to them. A note comes underneath their door. “It’s 4:19. Got a minute?” Somehow they can’t get the idea (they’re built, not smart) and Kronik comes in to return the beating from earlier. Liz gets in a shot on Palumbo and runs off. Yeah I’m sure.

Hulk Hogan arrives and says it’s going to take more man than Bischoff to rip the read and yellow off his back. He’s in all black here so I’m assuming he’s already met that man.

Goldberg’s monster truck drives up and Goldberg himself is actually here.

Here’s Bischoff’s subgroup for a chat. Cat is now imitating Bischoff’s statements to give Eric a tribute character. Thankfully Bischoff cuts him off pretty quickly before making Horace the guest referee for Kidman vs. Hogan. Hulk comes out to say the red and yellow won’t die before going after Eric and company. We cut to the back where Goldberg is coming in and that’s time for a commercial.

Kevin Nash vs. Rick Steiner/Tank Abbott

Nash gets jumped on the stage to start and Rick knocks him out with a wrench. Since WCW isn’t a wrestling company these days, the referee starts the match with Nash unconscious. Cue Goldberg and the fans are more alive than they’ve been in probably a year. Steiner takes a spear and a Jackhammer and I guess Nash loses by DQ. I love WCW trying to make sense of things.

Goldberg helps Nash up and Hudson says it’s a new day (YES IT IS!). Goldberg is sick of hearing from Tank Abbott so the slaughter begins tonight. The challenge is issued for a match next week in Atlanta.

Goldberg leaves.

Bischoff freaks out that Goldberg is here. Why he didn’t know that Goldberg was here when he was shown on screen before the previous segment isn’t clear.

Hardcore Title: Terry Funk vs. Vampiro

Funk is defending and Vampiro is a mystery opponent. A piledriver on the ramp gets two about ten seconds after the bell but Vampiro doesn’t bother to sell it anyway. Vampiro gives him the Nail in the Coffin but does the same thing to the referee instead of covering. Vampiro demands his pyro go off so he can burn Funk.

That goes nowhere so they head backstage with Funk hitting him in the head with a trashcan. A coffee machine to the face misses Vampiro and they fight to the production truck. Funk is knocked through the table and it’s off to the gas truck but Sting saves Funk after he’s covered in gasoline. Vampiro fights him off and grabs a blowtorch but security breaks it up and we’ve got a no contest in a hardcore match.

Rating: F. It’s stupid, it’s lame, it’s straight out of a bunch of Undertaker/Kane/Austin segments from a year earlier. I’m sick of Terry Funk holding this joke of a title for weeks on end (somehow it hasn’t even been months yet) and of Vampiro trying to be all violent for the sake of being violent. It’s not interesting and it just keeps going no matter how long ago people stopped caring. The fire stuff is stupid too as it’s like teasing the Divas back in the day. Russo would tease it over and over again but never got there, which eventually took away any of the appeal.

Ric is still looking for his family.

Russo yells at the Flairs when Shane Douglas comes in. Shane is given Scott Steiner tonight which rightfully freaks him out. Russo makes it a US Title match though and Shane calms down. That right there is the best job they’ve done at building a title since Russo and Bischoff showed up. Yeah Shane is scared of Steiner but the potential of being US Champion is enough to entice him. Totally unintentional I’m sure but well done.

We go back to last week with Page arriving at his house and finding his stuff on the lawn. Page: “This ain’t a rib.” The locks have been changed too. Kimberly opens the door and Page tells her to get out but the cops are waiting on him. We get the obvious restraining order and one of the cops is nice enough to tell Page that his kids are fans.

Awesome is with Kimberly, who doesn’t care to help him with his match against Page at the pay per view. Mike says if she does it would mean more camera time. Kimberly: “Come on Mr. sweaty man.”

We recap Page spanking Kimberly on Thunder but I’m sure Russo has the full version on a continuous loop.

Here are Kimberly, Awesome and Palumbo to call out Elizabeth for what happened last week. Elizabeth, who is finally free, ACTUALLY COMES OUT ON HER OWN! She deserves to be kidnapped over and over again. Kimberly has them kidnap Elizabeth again and yells a lot as this is pretty clearly another Russo fantasy on screen.

Cue Page to clean house but Bischoff sends out the cops to arrest Page for violating the restraining order. Palumbo attacks THE COPS with the exercise bar before hitting Page, only to have Luger come out in a face mask to beat up Palumbo. Luger and Liz leave but Awesome gets up to beat on Page even more. This brings KARL MALONE out of the crowd to Diamond Cut Awesome in a call back to the good old days. Yet another Russo fantasy/illogical segment which accomplished very little and got Karl Malone over instead of the two pay per view matches.

Ric shouts that he’ll get Russo tonight.

US Title: Scott Steiner vs. Shane Douglas

Steiner is defending and this is in the Asylum cage because everyone has to have their own signature gimmick match. Steiner says he’s a freak in heat. He’s ready for Tank at the pay per view and isn’t worried about Douglas or Russo. Of course he has to get Russo in there too. The champ hammers away to start and drops him with the gorilla press. A low blow gets Shane out of trouble and there’s a reverse Hennig neck snap to work on Steiner’s back. Tony reiterates the relaxed rules in WCW as Steiner rams Shane back first into the cage a few times. There’s a belly to belly and the Recliner retains the title, again in less than 3:00.

Hogan is in the yellow and red.

Sting vs. Kidman

A quick Bodog drops Sting early but Kidman is too busy doing the Hogan hand to the ear. Sting rolls to the ramp and gets a big start for a dive over the top to take Kidman down. Why is Sting more athletic and high flying than any Cruiserweight Champion has been in the better part of a year? There’s the Stinger Splash but Torrie distracts the referee, allowing Vampiro to hit Sting with a blowtorch, giving Kidman the pin. Another meaningless win after Sting was basically squashing him, but then again Russo never understood the difference.

Vampiro loads up some gasoline but Hogan makes the save. Bischoff comes out with the chair but Hogan takes it away and holds the chair up so Cat can kick it into his face. Kidman rips off Hulk’s shirt and burns it in a trashcan. Cool moment but Kidman still has no chance at the Bash. Vampiro tries to burn Sting but Kronik makes the save.

WCW World Title: Ric Flair vs. Jeff Jarrett

Ric is defending and David Flair is the surprise guest referee. Tony recaps the title situation by saying Nash gave Ric the title in segment one. Not EARLIER IN THE NIGHT or in the first hour, but segment one. We’re maybe thirty seconds into the match and here are Russo and the kidnapped Flairs. For once in his life Flair cares about something more than the title (not David of course, further proving that David is right in all his insanity) but Jeff gets in some chair shots to the ribs to take over.

Remember when a single chair shot would knock someone out and end a match? Well here two of them don’t even knock Ric down. Back in and Jeff hammers at Ric’s busted head. Ric comes back and hits David with the Statue of Liberty but Russo pulls him to the floor and hits him with the bat. There’s the Figure Four from Jeff but Ric makes the ropes. Charles Robinson comes out to take over and Flair gets two off the same small package that won him the title two weeks ago.

The Flair Flip sends Ric to the apron but he actually gets in a clothesline of his own. Ric punches Russo in the jaw (in one of the only times he ever gets touched) but Jeff kicks Ric into Robinson. The security gets beaten up but Russo takes over as referee, allowing Jarrett to guitar Flair for the pin and the title. Sure Russo took a punch and some chops, but it’s RUSSO getting to take the title off Flair. How MANLY he must feel, because of course Vince Russo is a man.

Rating: F. Another non-match that never has a chance to go build anything up because there’s another plot point to get to. As usual, this is almost all about Russo’s issues with Flair and Jarrett, who has gone from a zero time World Champion on April 15 to a four time World Champion on May 29. Flair isn’t immune from this either as his sixteen time record is nicely padded with two title reigns that combine for less than eight days. People talk today about the Intercontinental Title being treated as nothing or a joke, but it’s the NWA World Title in its prime compared to this mess.

Fans throw trash in the ring as the Flairs are taken away by security to end the show.

Overall Rating: F+. More bad, more non-wrestling, more people doing things that make no sense, more B-movie plots, more Russo more awful. I keep hoping that we’ll get back to normal someday but this is the new normal. This show has become a big dumping ground for whatever lame movie plots Russo isn’t smart enough to sell to a low rent direct to video company. There’s still no main event for the pay per view and I doubt Russo has any idea what it’s supposed to be because he’s too busy figuring out all of his ideas for TV that only he understands. Horrible show, as is normal these days.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of Complete 1997 Monday Night Raw Reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Summerslam 2003
Date: August 24, 2003
Location: America West Arena, Phoenix, Arizona
Attendance: 16,113
Commentators: Jim Ross, Tazz, Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler

Another year another Summerslam and yet again the company has changed. Tonight we have a double main event with a Wrestlemania rematch of Lesnar vs. Angle II for the Smackdown Title and an Elimination Chamber match for the Raw Title. 2003 was split down the middle in quality as Raw was atrocious and Smackdown was some of the best television in company history. It’s always interesting to see the two shows come together. Let’s get to it.

The US Marine Corps presents the American flag while Lillian sings the Star Spangled Banner.

The opening video talks about how there is evil in this world and the Chamber tonight will prove it.

Raw Tag Titles: Dudley Boyz vs. La Resistance

The Dudleyz are challenging and the EVIL foreigners are Rene Dupree and Sylvain Grenier. Bubba of course comes out with an American flag to hammer in the face status. The whole patriotism thing was a big deal in this feud as the third member of La Resistance, an American named Rob Conway, pretended to be a soldier to sneak up on the Dudleyz. It’s a brawl to start in the aisle with the challengers in full control.

D-Von chokes Dupree with the robe to start before armbarring Grenier down. A slam and a legdrop gets two on Sylvain and it’s off to Bubba for the power brawling. He puts Grenier in the Tree of Woe and stands on his crotch to make the French guy scream. The Dudleys clear the ring but Grenier gets in a cheap shot to give the champions control on Bubba. A double shoulder puts Bubba down for two as the USA chant starts up.

Back to Dupree for a bearhug, which isn’t often a move you see on a fat man like Bubba. Some headbutts break up hold but Bubba walks into a spinebuster for two. Bubba punches his way over to the hot tag (four minutes into the match) and D-Von cleans house. A rollup gets two on Grenier as everything breaks down. D-Von walks into a double spinebuster for two but it’s What’s Up to Dupree. The 3D lays out Dupree but Grenier makes save. Now a cameraman lays out D-Von with a camera to the head to retain the titles. It’s Rob Conway of course.

Rating: D+. That’s a pretty lame choice for an opener. Not only did the fans not get what they wanted but the match sucked as well. This was a dark time for the tag team division and there was no reason at all for there to be two sets of titles at this point. At the end of the day there wasn’t nearly enough depth and it made for lame matches like this. The Dudleys would get the belts next month.

Spike tries to run in for the save but Conway lays him out with the camera. Conway hasn’t been named here but I think the spoiler is ok at this point.

Coach says La Resistance was clever so Bubba accuses him of being anti-American and vows to get the belts back.

Eric Bischoff is warming up when Intercontinental Champion Christian comes up. He wants to know why he isn’t on the show but Bischoff blames Co-GM Steve Austin. Christian isn’t pleased but offers to be in Eric’s corner for his match later. Bischoff says he has his own plan and won’t answer what happens in the bedroom with Linda. Eric says he’ll tell everyone later.

We recap A-Train vs. Undertaker. A-Train (Tensai) is working for Vince who is in a semi-war with Taker, setting up tonight’s match. This would evolve into a bigger war soon enough.

Undertaker vs. A-Train

A-Train comes out with Vince’s mistress Sable and Undertaker has bad ribs. Feeling out process to start with A-Train grabbing a few headlocks for early control. Taker hits a quick Russian legsweep for two and he cranks on the arm to set up Old School. The second attempt works a bit better and Taker stays on the arm. A big boot misses and Taker falls out to the floor, reinjuring the ribs.

A-Train starts pounding away on the ribs and sends them into the barricade for two back in the ring. Taker gets in some shots to the ribs of his own for a breather but A-Train comes back with an impressive suplex to take him down. This is the kind of character A-Train was perfect as: a heavy who could do some impressive moves at times. A-Train fights out of a sleeper with a belly to back suplex but Taker hits a quick Snake Eyes to get a breather. A big boot misses the big bald head and a double clothesline puts each other down.

Taker wins a slugout after A-Train hung in there a lot longer than expected. Now the big boot sets up the legdrop (BROTHER) for two and another legdrop to the back of the head with A-Train on the apron has the bald one staggered. The Last Ride is easily broken up but the referee is bumped.

A-Train hits the Derailer (chokebomb) but the delayed count only gets two. Taker accidentally clotheslines the referee down again (the second match does NOT warrant two ref bumps) and A-Train brings in a chair, only to have it cracked over his own head for a near fall. A-Train escapes a tombstone but gets caught in a chokeslam for the pin.

Rating: D. What are you expecting out of this match? This was back when Taker was pretty bad in the ring due to being completely unmotivated and bored with the biker character. Thankfully he would be the Dead Man again by Wrestlemania and would eventually reignite his career around 2007.

Post match Sable tries to seduce Taker for some reason but Stephanie comes in to go after her, presumably setting up a mixed tag.

Coach polls some fans on who wins the Chamber.

We recap Shane McMahon vs. Eric Bischoff. Shane was feuding with Kane but Bischoff stopped them from fighting. Austin made Bischoff vs. Shane for that night but Kane interfered and cost Shane the match (he later tied Shane to the steps and electrocuted his testicles. It was stupid back then and it’s even worse now. This is what I had to deal with people).

Later, Bischoff caused JR to nearly be lit on fire, so Austin had to prevent a lawsuit by making Kane vs. Bischoff but Kane walked away for some reason, giving Bischoff the win by countout. This was a qualifying match for a Summerslam match with Kane, making our match tonight. Then Bischoff went to Linda’s house and pinned her arm behind her back and kissed her against her will.Think that’s enough to set up this match?

Shane McMahon vs. Eric Bischoff

Before the match, Eric implies that he screwed Linda several times over that night. This brings out Shane to send Eric into the corner for a beating. Crossface punches send Bischoff to the floor but Shane clotheslines him in the back of the head. Back to ringside and Shane breaks the referee’s count (sidebar: why doesn’t that happen when both guys are on the floor and one guy slides back in at the last second?) before kicking away at Shane even more.

Bischoff is sent into the announce table and stomped down, only to have Coach come in with a chair and turning heel by helping Bischoff. The referee says ring the bell but Bischoff makes it No DQ and falls count anywhere. Shane is sent into the steps for two as Coach is playing the enforcer here. He holds Shane as Bischoff tells the production truck to turn off JR and King’s microphones so Coach can do commentary.

Bischoff starts firing off kicks as Coach does the eternally annoying JR impersonation. This keeps going for awhile until Shane gets in a right hand, only to be dropped by a low blow from Coach. Cue Steve Austin who can’t fight unless physically provoked. Shane shoves Coach into Austin which is enough for the beating to begin. Austin and Shane stomp Coach down in the corner and clear the ring. Austin has the mics turned back on as Shane grabs Eric’s hand and uses it to slap Austin’s face, meaning Austin can Stun Bischoff. That’s not good enough or Shane so he puts Eric on the table for the big elbow for the pin.

Rating: N/A. This was a long segment instead of a match. Also to recap how stupid things were at this point, we’re supposed to be interested in Austin/Shane vs. Coach/Bischoff when Austin has equal power to Eric. We also have Stephanie vs. Sable, because EVERYONE wants to see the McMahons dominating the show. This is in addition to Evolution dragging Raw down the drain with the Kevin Nash and Goldberg feuds. See why 2003 is considered so bad?

Wrestlemania moment. Kind of an odd time for one of these but Shawn superkicking Bret was an awesome moment.

We see Kevin Nash getting ready. JR: “Nash is a street fighter at heart.” I haven’t laughed that hard in awhile.

Flair and HHH tell Orton to keep the title on the Game tonight and nothing more.

US Title: Eddie Guerrero vs. Chris Benoit vs. Tajiri vs. Rhyno

Eddie is defending and this is one fall to a finish. Eddie has ticked off all three challengers so they all want to take him out. The champion bails to the floor so everyone else can fight and we quickly get down to Rhyno vs. Benoit. Chris hooks a quick Crossface, drawing Eddie in for the save. Tajiri is back in as well but Eddie breaks up a cover. Everyone is in now and all three challengers go after Eddie at the same time.

Rhyno hits a running shoulder to Eddie’s ribs in the corner and powerslams him down for two but Benoit comes back with a German suplex. A belly to back gets two on Tajiri but Eddie makes another save. Benoit is suplexed to the floor and Eddie is left alone with Tajiri, only to have the challenger monkey flip Eddie down for two. Rhyno comes back in and sends Tajiri to the floor but Benoit wants to beat up Eddie himself, triggering a brawl between challengers.

Rhyno gets control again and superplexes Eddie down for two but Tajiri kicks him in the back of the head. Tajiri snaps off the handspring elbow for two on Chris but Rhyno sends Tajiri to the floor, only to have Eddie headscissor him out to the floor. Eddie hurricanranas Benoit out of the corner for two and it’s Tajiri in again for some hard kicks. Eddie hooks the Lasso From El Paso (Liontamer crossed with the Texas Cloverleaf) on Tajiri but Benoit stops Rhyno from making the save with the Crossface.

Tajiri makes the ropes so Eddie turns around to dropkick Benoit in the head for the save. Benoit grabs the Crossface on Guerrero but Rhyno and Tajiri make the double save. Rhyno hits a spinebuster for two on Tajiri but Benoit knocks Rhyno to the floor. Chris rolls some Germans on Tajiri but Tajiri reverses into one of his own for two on Benoit.

Tajiri catches a charging Benoit in the Tarantula and the distraction lets Eddie get the US Title to shield himself from Rhyno’s Gore. Tajiri breaks up the Frog Splash but gets caught in the Tree of Woe. Benoit Swan Dives Rhyno but Tajiri makes a last second save. Tajiri and Benoit fall to the floor and Eddie frog splashes Rhyno to retain.

Rating: B+. This was non-stop action for about eleven minutes and incredibly entertaining as a result. It’s a great example of how wrestling and action can be so much more interesting than whatever drama the McMahons have going on at the moment. Watching these four make save after save is WAY more fun than hearing about Bischoff forcing himself on Linda or Stephanie being FURIOUS with Sable over whatever affair her dad is having this month.

We recap Brock Lesnar destroying Zack Gowen on Smackdown (good for him). Lesnar had him COVERED in blood and rubbed the blood on his own chest. Gowen had his leg broken in two places so he couldn’t face Matt Hardy tonight. Matt declared himself the winner on Heat like a good heel would.

We recap Angle vs. Lesnar. Angle lost to Brock in the main event of Wrestlemania, leading to Vengeance where Angle pinned Lesnar in a three way to get the title back. The two of them became best friends and friendly rivals, leading to Brock wanting a rematch. Vince said no, but if Lesnar can beat Vince in a cage with Angle as referee, he can have the shot. Before the match, someone attacked Brock and laid him out with a concussion. Brock popped up and turned on Angle, revealing that he’s working for Vince as the new heavy and getting the title shot for tonight. Vince called this the REAL Brock Lesnar.

Smackdown World Title: Brock Lesnar vs. Kurt Angle

Angle is defending of course. Brock shoves him in the corner to show off the power so Angle starts getting lower. They hit the technical stuff on the mat but Brock escapes into a standoff. Brock quickly takes him down with a headscissors but it’s Angle escaping to another stalemate. Lesnar shoves him around with the power so Angle leverages him into the corner and says bring it on. Some quick armdrags send Brock out to the floor and various things are destroyed in frustration.

Lesnar picks up the belt and tries to walk out with it but Kurt pounds him down in the aisle to start the brawling. Back in and Angle snaps off the first overhead belly to belly for two before stomping him down in the corner. Brock comes right back with a gorilla press and throws Angle out to the floor. Angle is sent into the steps as this is far different from the Wrestlemania match. Back in and Brock hits a release belly to belly without leaving his feet.

Angle slips out of another gorilla press and gets two off an O’Connor Roll, only to walk into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for two. We hit the rear naked choke on Angle which is turned into a bodyscissors. Angle fights up but runs into a knee to the ribs to put him right back down. Kurt is pounded into the corner but grabs a rollup for two, only to be clotheslined back down. The story of this match isn’t working as well as their first fight. This is much more of a traditional wrestling match with good vs. evil and that’s not what these two are best at.

Lesnar comes right back with something like a Muscle Buster for two, followed up by shoulders to the ribs in the corner. Brock sends him into the corner to stay on the ribs and back before firing off more shoulders in the corner. Angle finally moves to avoid a charge, sending Brock shoulder first into the post. A dropkick takes Brock’s knee out and Angle rolls some Germans for a close two. Brock comes back with an overhead belly to belly of his own but Angle pops up and tries the Slam, only to be countered into a spinebuster for a close two. The fans are into this match.

Angle counters an F5 into a DDT and both guys are down. A delayed cover gets two for the champion and there go the straps. The Angle Slam connects but Brock is up at two as per tradition. In one of my favorite moments, Angle puts the straps up so he can take them back down, firing himself up even more. There’s the ankle lock but Brock makes a rope. Angle pulls him back so the rope doesn’t count in a questionable call, so Lesnar rolls out, bumping the referee in the process.

Lesnar sends him into the corner and Angle tries a sunset flip but stops before going down, wrapping his legs around Brock’s neck in a choke before putting on another ankle lock. Lesnar eventually taps but there’s no referee so here’s Vince with a chair to Angle’s back to break the hold. Brock gets to his one good foot and hits a pretty awesome one legged F5 for a delayed two. Vince demands another F5 but Angle counters into the ankle lock. Brock grabs the rope but again Angle pulls him to the middle for no break. Brock grabs all four bottom ropes but the referee doesn’t break it, forcing Brock to tap out.

Rating: B. It’s a good match but the ending never worked for me. At the end of the day, if you touch the ropes the hold is supposed to be broken. That’s wrestling 101, but for some reason it doesn’t count at the end of this match. The match was good but it was overbooked when you have these two being able to own whatever ring they’re in. The Vince stuff was annoying but that’s what you have to expect in WWE.

Post match Vince tries to jump Angle again but gets Angle Slammed through a chair for his efforts. And on Vince’s birthday too.

Goldberg is listening to an iPod to get ready. That’s such a wrong image.

Some Arizona Diamondbacks are here.

We recap Kane vs. RVD. They had been friends and tag champions but Kane lost a match to HHH, forcing him to unmask. This unleashed Kane’s inner demons for the 10^th time or so, turning him into a psycho who lit JR on fire. Kane swore everyone was laughing at him even though RVD told him everything was fine. Kane beat up RVD in a match and tombstoned Linda McMahon on a stage to start his feud with Shane, leading to a rematch with Rob here tonight.

Kane vs. Rob Van Dam

Fink says this is No Holds Barred. So does that make Kane Zeus? JR calls Kane an inbred mongrel dog, which isn’t that high up on his list of sayings. Van Dam fires off right hands to start but Kane takes him to the floor with a few uppercuts. Kane charges into a boot and gets kicked in the face to put the monster down. Kane easily slugs him down and pulls out a ladder. Van Dam manages to smash the end of it to drive the ladder into Kane’s face, only to have Rolling Thunder caught by the throat.

RVD kicks out of the chokeslam but gets knocked out to the floor as the brawl continues. Kane sends him into the steps and is in full on monster mode. Back in and Van Dam scores with a kick and some shoulders to the ribs for two. Rob goes up top but gets shoved down onto the barricade to give Kane control again. A ladder to the face gets two back in the ring and a big clothesline puts Van Dam down again.

We hit the slow motion part of the match as Kane pounds on Van Dam very slowly to stop the crowd from being interested. Van Dam is backdropped to the floor but Kane badly botches the top rope clothesline, nearly falling on his head and dying. Kane avoids another ladder shot and DDTs Van Dam on he floor, only to have Rob catch a charging Kane in a drop toehold to send him face first into the steps. Kane is kicked into the crowd and crotched as he tries to come back to ringside.

Van Dam’s spin kick off the apron puts Kane down again as this match just keeps going. Back in and Rolling Thunder onto the chair crushes Kane but Rob can’t follow up. Kane sits up but gets caught by a Van Daminator. Rob loads up the Van Terminator but Kane rolls away at the last second. They head to the floor and Kane tombstones Rob onto the steps, killing him dead for the pin.

Rating: C-. This was an ok brawl but it went on WAY too long. At the end of the day this was just a rest stop on the way to Kane vs. Shane next month which was probably the more interesting feud anyway. The match was Van Dam trying his best but not being able to keep Kane down. It certainly wasn’t a squash but it wasn’t many steps above one.

Eric is annoyed that Terri is asking him questions. Linda comes in and slaps Bischoff in the face.

HHH looks at the world title.

The Chamber is lowered.

We recap the world title match. There isn’t much to this other than HHH is injured and can’t fight Goldberg one on one so we get an Elimination Chamber instead. Goldberg is in for obvious reasons, Jericho and Nash have been feuding lately, Orton is there to give HHH a hand and Shawn is there for past issues with HHH. This gets the music video treatment, set to St. Anger by Metallica.

Raw World Title: HHH vs. Kevin Nash vs. Goldberg vs. Chris Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Randy Orton

After about 12 minutes of entrances we start with Shawn vs. Jericho, who will go for three minutes. After that time is up, a pod will open to release another wrestler. Three more minutes and another pod opens. This repeats until everyone is in and it’s last man standing wins. Eliminations can occur at any time and have to take place in the ring, not on the cage floor outside the ring next to the pods. They trade hammerlocks to start until Jericho rolls through a cross body for two.

They trade chain wrestling moves into a pinfall reversal sequence as the fans chant for Goldberg. Back up and Shawn slaps him in the face before backdropping him down. Jericho’s Walls attempt is countered into a small package for two but Jericho comes back with a bulldog to take Shawn down. JR screws up the world title continuity by saying the title has only changed hands once in Phoenix, but that’s the other world title. Not that it matters to WWE but they make such a big deal about the continuity that it’s worth pointing out.

Anyway Orton is #3 and gets two off a high cross to Shawn. Michaels is clotheslined to the cage floor but he comes back in to pound away on Jericho. Randy dropkicks him down and stomps Jericho down against the ropes but can’t RKO Shawn. Instead Orton is sent to the cage floor by a combined effort, only to have Jericho put Shawn in the Walls. Kevin Nash is in at #4 to make the save and go after Jericho as Shawn and Orton brawl in the ring. Jericho’s face is rubbed against the cage to give us our first blood.

Nash (with short blonde hair here for a movie) cleans house but walks into a superkick into a rollup for the pin by Jericho. Nash was in there about two minutes or so. HHH is #5 but Shawn superkicks him before he can get out of the pod to make sure the injured champion doesn’t have to do much. Nash lays out Jericho, Orton and Shawn with Jackknives, leaving everyone down for a massive dead spot. Shawn is busted as well.

They finally get back up to slug it out as JR talks about Oklahoma for no apparent reason. Here’s Goldberg at #6 to FINALLY wake the crowd up a bit. He cleans house and clotheslines Jericho and Shawn down before spearing Orton down for the pin, leaving us with four. Jericho hits a quick missile dropkick for two on Goldberg but he launches Chris into the cage to put him back down.

Goldberg sends Shawn into the corner before spearing Jericho through the glass pod. Goldberg is dazed though, allowing Shawn to drop the elbow to set up Sweet Chin Music. This is Goldberg though so the kick is blocked by a spear and the Jackhammer gets us down to three. A quick spear and Jackhammer to Jericho leaves us with HHH vs. Goldberg. HHH is still in the pod as he’s been in the match for about six minutes now and literally hasn’t done anything.

Flair shoves the pod door closed to save HHH so Goldberg kicks the pod door in so we can actually have a match. Goldberg pounds away in the pod before sending HHH face first into the cage. The champion is busted open but he FINALLY gets in a kick to the leg and sends Goldberg into the cage. Goldberg comes right back with a clothesline and they head into the ring. The spear is loaded up but hits the sledgehammer that Flair slid in, keeping the title on HHH.

Rating: C-. This didn’t work very well and the ending sums up everything wrong with Raw in 2003. The fans were primed for a Goldberg title win, HHH was injured and had no business being in the match anyway, Goldberg dominated the match, HHH literally hit two offensive moves in ten minutes of match time, but HHH uses the sledgehammer to retain the title. Yeah Goldberg got the title a month later, but THIS is the match people remember because THIS is the big show. HHH wins at the big show, the monster wins the next month at the B show. Does this sound familiar to fans in 2013?

As for the rest of the match, there’s nothing going on here. It’s less than twenty minutes long from bell to bell and the three minute intervals really hold this down. No one had time to do anything, making it more like the 1995 Rumble than anything else. It’s just not very good and the ending sucked whatever life it had out of the match. Again, 2003 Raw just wasn’t that good and this match sums up why.

Post match HHH and Evolution gets to destroy Goldberg again with the hammer to really pound in who is the star. Goldberg is handcuffed to the cage so HHH can shove the belt in his face and remind him who the champion is to end the show.

Overall Rating: C. There’s some good stuff on here but the HHH factor drags it down again. I’ve said this a lot tonight but 2003 just wasn’t a good year overall. It’s a bunch of matches and feuds that people don’t want to see but we have the same McMahon nonsense over and over again because WWE is their playground and they can do whatever they like. Over on Raw HHH gets to keep the title FOREVER despite being hurt and having beasts like Benoit and Guerrero waiting in the wings to be the next guys. Did they pan out in the end? No, but at this point no one knew that was the case and HHH got the title as a result.

Ratings Comparison

La Resistance vs. Dudley Boyz

Original: C

Redo: D+

A-Train vs. Undertaker

Original: D

Redo: D

Eric Bischoff vs. Shane McMahon

Original: D

Redo: N/A

Tajiri vs. Rhyno vs. Eddie Guerrero vs. Chris Benoit

Original: B-

Redo: B+

Brock Lesnar vs. Kurt Angle

Original: A-

Redo: B

Rob Van Dam vs. Kane

Original: C-

Redo: C-

Goldberg vs. HHH vs. Kevin Nash vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho vs. Randy Orton

Original: D

Redo: C-

Overall Rating

Original: D+

Redo: C

So I liked almost all of the matches more or the same the first time, but the overall rating is much higher this time. Not surprising.

Here’s the original review if you’re interested:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2011/08/06/history-of-summerslam-count-up-2003-brock-vs-angle-ii/

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of NXT Reviews: The Full Sail Years Volume I at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B011T13PV4

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Thunder
Date: December 23, 1999
Location: Wicomico Civic Center, Salisbury, Maryland
Attendance: 4,000
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, Scott Hudson

On Monday, this company replaced wrestling with some weird shoot style which involves whatever Russo and Ferrara feeling like throwing out there being presented as the new reality. The big story was the reformation of the NWO because…..normally I would complain here but it was probably the most logical thing all night. I have no idea what I’m about to watch but let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of Monday’s main story. The two minute version doesn’t make it any better than the three hour edition.

Tenay promises to prove that Thunder is special again.

Here’s the NWO to open things up and Tony is RIGHT THERE to tell us how strong the NWO really is. Bret brags about all the gold and says they couldn’t make this any more black and white. This has been in the works for over a month and the stupid wrestling fans never saw it coming. We see some clips of the Outsiders helping Bret out over the last few months with Bret conveniently never seeing a thing.

This is the one and only one thing I can give Russo some slack on: the big conspiracy stories don’t hold up if you know what to look for, so tying all this together probably did work a lot better when this show was airing live. Basically the NWO lead Goldberg and Benoit along so the four of them wound up with all the belts and it was a big swerve all along. It still doesn’t make up for Monday’s debacle or the holes in the logic, but at least it’s there. On the screwjob at Starrcade, Bret: “That was better than Shawn Michaels!”

Nash rips on the fans for only cheering the Outsiders because they wanted to be hip. They’re a bunch of $5 an hour workers who have no idea what it takes to be this great. They’ve never needed the people but they don’t mind taking the money. Hall says a bunch of stuff that has to be censored but Jeff cleans it up by declaring this crowd the first annual slapnuts convention. Again he declares himself the chosen one, which makes me wonder why he isn’t the World Champion.

Jeff: “No one saw it coming!” Hall: “I didn’t know where we were half the time.” This NWO is only going to be the elite, because once you’ve had the black, you never go back. That line is SO out of place from Jarrett. Cue Goldberg, who is quickly told he sucks. He’s going to rip the NWO’s hearts out and it’s not going to be who’s next but who’s left.

The announcers eat up time by running down the card. Tenay is lead announcer and Tony is playing second fiddle. That’s quite odd to see.

Token footage of Leia Meow stretching.

Two helmeted bikers arrive.

Benoit says he prefers life’s hard decisions because they require sacrifice. He modeled himself after Bret for living his life the way he believed it should be lived. That ended Monday, so tonight he’s taking Bret’s heart.

PG-13 vs. Varsity Club

Steiner and Rotundo here but first, a rap from PG-13. Leia is forced to exercise before the match and I’m sure you get the idea here. PG-13 gets beaten down to start and Steiner runs over JC Ice. Sullivan says the Varsity Club is too smart to get conned like Goldberg. A combination of clotheslines and Steiner Lines knock PG-13 into oblivion but the referee throws it out. Tenay says it’s a double DQ, even though PG-13 literally had no offense.

Wolfie D. is put in the Tree of Woe for a low blow from Meow. Who in the world thought these teams needed to be brought in?

David Flair beats up a fast food worker for not getting his order right.

Russo is yelling at Hennig in his office, which has been put back together but still has the damage from Piper. So they dragged the broken walls to the arena and set them back up? Hennig didn’t seem to know what was going on in the big scheme but here are the bikers to interrupt. It’s the Harris Twins who turn over Russo’s table and yell at him for screwing with their lives.

Here are the Filthy Animals and Jim Duggan with something to say. Eddie says the Animals are a lot of things but above all else, they’re Americans. The Revolution left them by the roadside but they’re back to knock the Revolution down. Kidman and Konnan say the same thing as Eddie, albeit in very, very different methods of speaking. Rey promises to beat the Revolution like the dogs they are.

Duggan of course says HO and USA. He wants to make the Revolution his personal HO so here’s the Revolution with Dean ranting about the flag of the Revelation (yes the Revelation because Dean doesn’t even care what stable he’s in). Saturn starts talking about Fred Flintstone never realizing that the rack of ribs is too big for his car, making him by far the most entertaining thing in this story. Shane wants to break Duggan’s neck and complains about Americans. The fans are the ones that suck off the government programs and Duggan’s comeback is just him being an idiot. Apparently there’s a match tonight.

Russo sends Hennig and Jarrett after Creative Control.

Tank Abbott vs. La Parka

A right hand puts La Parka down and Tank hammers away in the corner. La Parka hits him with the chair and gets knocked out cold for a no contest.

Tank knocks Doug Dillinger out too.

Norman Smiley hides from Goldberg. Why is Goldberg having issues finding the NWO? Why didn’t he just wait for them to come through the curtain earlier?

The Artist still has issues recording his music but still won’t speak. Paisley gets on the producer for questioning the lyrics.

Hardcore Title: Fit Finlay vs. Norman Smiley

Smiley is defending but Finlay knocks him into the weapons cart to get things going. They fight into the crowd and into the back as we hit the hardcore requirement from the WWF. Knobbs shows up and helps beat Norman up in the concession stand. They lower a metal door and try to crush Norman but Meng makes the save. Norman is thrown on top of Finlay for the pin.

Meng gives Norman the Death Grip post “match”.

Jeff Jarrett finds a paper.

Goldberg chokes Jarrett against a wall and says he’s coming for the NWO when they least expect it.

Creative Control comes out to say they’re no longer Creative Control. Now they’re Ron and Don Harris because I guess that’s supposed to make us care about them. They and their country accents are coming for the Powers That Be. Side note: if they’re the Powers That Be, why do we never hear another voice?

Ron Harris/Don Harris vs. Curt Hennig/Jeff Jarrett

And there’s no Jarrett, so the heel is now in a handicap match. Hennig tries to fight back as Tony tries to keep the Twins straight. The Twins throw Hennig around and a side slam gives we’ll say Ron the pin. Total squash in less than two minutes.

The NWO comes out gives the Harris the NWO treatment, complete with spray paint.

Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Maestro

Kanyon comes out to do commentary for reasons of storyline development and immediately starts a BRING BACK JUVY chant. Well it’s a one man chant but you get the idea. Maestro goes right at Bigelow to start but gets thrown away when trying a bulldog. Symphony comes in to prevent the diving headbutt so Bigelow dives at her anyway, sending Symphony running away. The distraction lets Kanyon hit Bigelow with a champagne bucket to give Maestro the pin.

Diamond Dallas Page says there’s nothing between Buff Bagwell and his wife. He’s booked against the Wall but won’t fight him until he gets a match with Bagwell.

Recap of Madusa and Karagias.

Evan is in the ring and YES! IT! IS! TIME! Evan says it’s time for a comeback and introduces us to his friends Shannon Moore and Shane Helms. Their collective names: 3 Count. They may not be N’Sync or the Backstreet Boys but they’ll charm the pants off everyone’s girlfriend. Now hit the music. We get a music video for the yet to be named single, spliced together with the guys singing the song (I Can’t Get You Out Of My Heart). The tasteless fans hate the song and here’s a now serious Chavo Guerrero to clean house with dropkicks.

I know they’re not the best remembered team but I loved these guys and thought they were a great idea. Boy bands were huge back then so why not go with a gimmick based on them? It’s certainly better than Evan being the schnook who keeps getting beaten up by women every other week.

David Flair shows up at a gas station and runs into a guy named Crowbar. The Misfits show up and beat the two of them down for no adequately explored reason.

Konnan/Kidman/Jim Duggan vs. Revolution

Saturn/Malenko/Asya here with Shane on commentary. Konnan hammers on Malenko to start and Kidman comes in with a slingshot legdrop. Off to Saturn who eats a Bodog and a high cross body for two. Asya gets knocked off the apron as well but Saturn suplexes Kidman in half.

Back to Malenko for two off a suplex, followed by Saturn’s top rope elbow for the same. Duggan gets the hot tag and cleans house with his variety of right hands and slams. He goes to hit Asya but takes a low blow from Saturn. Shane wants Duggan to denounce America and everything breaks down. The hobbling Rey distracts Dean and Saturn, setting up a sloppy double sunset flip to give the Animals the pin.

Rating: D+. Boring match but somehow this was the first one tonight to break three minutes. Duggan (why is he still the janitor?) doesn’t fit in this story and there’s no reason for the Animals vs. the Revolution to keep going other than they have nothing else to do. At least they gave this match something close to time.

The Revolution gets in some crutches shots to make themselves feel better.

Kevin Nash vs. The Wall

It’s Hall’s turn to be on commentary. Nash takes him into the corner for some knees to the ribs to start but Wall comes back with right hands to the head. A clothesline and big boot put Nash down and it’s Hall coming in with the pipe for the DQ.

Wall gets spray painted and beaten up even more.

Post break, Wall gets off a stretcher.

As Nash gets in the shower, Hall finds Goldberg in his room. Back to the shower, where Nash doesn’t seem to notice the camera, and Goldberg is there too. Is he multiplying or something? We see both Outsiders out cold. Is it possible to like, SLOW DOWN on having him go through the NWO?

WCW World Title: Bret Hart vs. Chris Benoit

Benoit is challenging of course and erupts on Hart in the corner to get things going. They fight over to the announcers’ table with the champ getting control. Back inside with Bret dropping a leg and an elbow, followed by a DDT for two. Benoit fights back with a kick to the ribs and elbow to the jaw for two of his own. The champ nails a low blow as the fans are just silent. Benoit reverses him into the corner and grabs the Crossface, drawing in Jarrett for the DQ.

Rating: D. Just a punch and kick match until the finish with no one believing that Benoit was going over here. That silence for Bret tells you everything you need to know though: this storyline is just a disaster. Monday was too much for the fans to take and there’s no reason to care. They weren’t even booing, but rather just sitting there in silence. That’s a bad sign after your big angle of the year.

Cue Goldberg to spear Jarrett and chase Bret to the back. Bret gets away in a car but Goldberg sees the Powers That Be’s limo. One right hand through the window and see you in June Goldberg. By the way, for those of you that have never seen it, that injury is what Nash said killed the Fingerpoke of Doom fallout story with Goldberg rising up through the ranks to get Hogan. You read that right.

Overall Rating: F. You know the amazing thing about this show? That Bret vs. Benoit match took place after the show was supposed to end. Why is that amazing? That match (the longest of the night at 4:54) took us to our grand total of less than 21 minutes of wrestling. In other words, in the two hours Thunder was scheduled to be on the air, the total time spent on wrestling (and that’s including Norman vs. Finlay in the back) was 15:41. If you add in the World Title match, the total time was 20:35. It took overtime to break 20 minutes of wrestling on a two hour show. That is unacceptable.

Now onto the good. This show wasn’t the abomination that we saw on Monday. It was a disaster and one of the worst wrestling shows I’ve ever seen with almost no action, mostly worthless matches and a story that ran in two hours instead of two to six months, but it was NOT this past Monday. They reigned things way back in tonight and it made the show tolerable, but that certainly doesn’t mean it’s good. I think I can live with it like this, but there are far more changes needed here than WCW has time for.

The show isn’t airing next week due to a college football game so that’s it for Thunder in 1999.

Monday Nitro #219
Date: December 20, 1999
Location: Baltimore Arena, Baltimore, Maryland
Attendance: 8,915
Commentators: Mike Tenay, Bobby Heenan, Tony Schiavone

We’re just past Starrcade and……I have no idea what we’re supposed to do now actually. Bret is still World Champion, Sting is out of action again and the rest of the show was pretty much a big waste of time with short matches that went nowhere or that only Russo and company care about. Let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of Piper calling for the bell on Goldberg to end the title match against Bret. Yes, that’s their big idea: Montreal part 58.

So you might be asking how the big fallout show starts. After last night, we’re ready to start on the new road forward for WCW. I promise, I’m not making this up. This is really how this show began.

Here are Madusa and Spice for a chat. Madusa brags about being the first female Cruiserweight Champion and how the women of WCW are taking over with their T&A. Right now she wants any man in the back to come out here so she can neuter him. As luck would have it, Buzzkill is in the crowd campaigning for equal rights, so Madusa calls him to the ring for a title match right now.

Cruiserweight Title: Madusa vs. Buzzkill

Madusa takes the sign and blasts Buzzkill in the head, followed by the missile dropkick for two. The German suplex is blocked though and Buzzkill dropkicks her down. The Russian legsweep should have the title won (because it’s a Russian legsweep) but Spice has the referee. In the distract, Spice throws in a foreign object and Madusa knocks Buzzkill silly, setting up the German suplex to retain.

I need a minute here. After last night’s disaster of a Starrcade, Vince Russo, the man who actually takes credit for the Attitude Era, decided that the big idea was to open Nitro with a match between a comedy character and Madusa, who is flat out saying she has one of the most popular titles (well at least it used to be) in the company because of how she looks. That’s their big way to open the post-Starrcade Nitro. Imagine if the night after Rollins cashed in Money in the Bank or after Bryan overcame the Authority, we opened with a Nikki Bella promo and match. That’s basically what they did here and it’s making my head hurt.

The announcers talk about Goldberg getting screwed last night. I’ll set the over/under for use of that word in this story at about 6,000.

Russo tells Curt Hennig to get rid of Hugh Morrus tonight. Why Russo has issues with Morrus isn’t clear, but I’d bet it’s a nuance of a plot point that I missed in Russo’s 19 segments a night. Creative Control is sent to find Piper.

Speaking of Piper, he arrives with his assistant and son because of reasons I don’t want to be told. The kid tapes Piper’s wrists and Creative Control comes to collect him.

Hugh Morrus vs. Curt Hennig

Before we get started, it’s time for an another angle that no one will care about but we need to force it in there anyway. This time it’s Shane being beaten down by a guy in a Scream mask with what looks like a pipe. As for the match, here’s Tony’s take on it: “I’ve never been so confused coming out of a WCW pay per view.” I can’t believe I’m saying this, but preach it Tony. Morrus slugs Hennig into the corner to start as the announcers don’t explain Hugh’s issues with the Powers That Be, likely because they don’t exist.

After a big running splash in the corner, Morrus gets distracted by some old guy in a hospital gown who wanders from the crowd to the ramp. For the love of……JUST HAVE A WRESTLING MATCH! Morrus goes outside and helps the man he calls Pop to the ramp so he stays out of harms’ way. Hennig gets in a few shots as Pop comes back down to ringside. In the distraction, Hennig hits the PerfectPlex for the pin.

Rating: D-. I would ask why this is happening and what this is supposed to mean, but I really, really don’t care. Hugh Morrus is getting a story now? Apparently about his father who just wanders around ringside after leaving a hospital? As usual, Russo doesn’t get that you have to make us care about a person before you just throw them into a story that makes no sense on the surface. I don’t care about Hugh Morrus because he’s never done anything worth caring about. Therefore, I don’t care about his Pop or whatever they’re doing with him. Again, just let them wrestle and THEN come up with a story.

Pop checks on his son, who is still down after a devastating suplex.

Piper is in Russo’s office where Russo talks about Piper making some sort of deal with the devil, meaning Piper can’t touch Russo. It’s not over though because Piper has to go out there and tell everyone that he sold out and that Russo had nothing to do with it. So who did he sell out to if Russo wasn’t involved? That question is immediately wiped from my memory as Russo says that Piper will take his heat. Piper talks about going out there to “shoot on the marks” and how he and Hogan built this sport. The audio screws up so I can’t hear the rest of it but do I really need to?

So to recap: Russo is the mastermind behind screwing Goldberg out of the title and gave Piper something in return for ending the title match last night and now Piper has to go and take the rap for it. This is going to be a SHOOT, because all those times where Piper was evil and made his big name were just him acting and we should believe how much he cares for wrestling? Can we go back to Hugh and Pop?

And now, a word from Tony Schiavone about how Vince McMahon screwed Bret Hart out of the WCW Title. Russo worked for McMahon at that time, so rumors are speculating that Russo scripted the ending to that match. I don’t even know how to respond to that so we’ll move on to Tony talking about how Kevin Nash is defending Goldberg in the locker room. You know, the SHOOT locker room.

This brings out Kevin Nash, who talks about living by a code in wrestling. There are certain rules you have to live by no matter what happens. Yes people, KEVIN NASH is talking about ethics in wrestling. Just go with it and maybe it’ll be over soon. There are two groups of people behind the curtain: the boys and the office. The boys are all a fraternity and the office doesn’t care about any of them. Nash doesn’t care about Goldberg, but what happened last night was…..a word they don’t actually censor. TV-14 it is I suppose. Hart screwed one of the boys and now he has to pay.

Creative Control says Nash is the biggest politician in the locker room. So yeah, it’s clearly a big worked shoot (in case it wasn’t obvious before) and the audience, after sitting through Madusa vs. Buzzkill and Hennig vs. Morrus/Pop gets to hear a lot of stuff that is probably going over their collective heads while Russo jerks off to this nonsense because it makes him feel so much smarter than everyone else. I understand what they’re talking about and it’s just so dumb.

Tank Abbott vs. Jerry Flynn

No holds barred of course. They trade slaps/punches before shoving the referee, drawing out security to break it up. Flynn is put in handcuffs and Tank knocks him out cold. This didn’t last a minute and the fans are rightfully booing it out of the building.

Goldberg arrives.

Here’s the Revolution for what is actually the most interesting part of the show so far. Douglas talks about how the Revolution was proven right at Starrcade, but we pause for a word from Saturn about Tootsie Pops. He calls out Jim Duggan to denounce America, but Jim doesn’t want to do it. Instead, Duggan says he lied and gets beaten down. The Revolution goes to burn the American flag but the Filthy Animals (minus Eddie) return for the save. Great. It’s this feud again. Shane’s look of shock when the Animals came out (walking at about half a mile an hour) is great.

Here’s Piper for his big explanation as Goldberg and Hart watch from backstage. Piper lists off some of the evil things he’s done in the past before going into a mini rant against Russo’s writing. Couldn’t they just call it like, match making? Anyway, Piper knows people just want to see the wrestlers fight. After listing off his accomplishments from the 80s, Piper says he’s a real fighting and quits. His son comes out to walk to the back with him, but Goldberg comes out to block their way.

Goldberg has stayed up all night trying to make sense of this (now THAT is probably a shoot comment). He’s looked up to a few guys all his life and until last night Piper was on that list. Piper made the wrong decision last night but Goldberg doesn’t think Piper would ever sell out. Roddy apologizes and things seem to be a bit better until Bret comes out to pick it up all over again. As far as he’s concerned, there’s no point in blaming Piper and the title is vacant. Bret goes to the back to tell the Powers That Be what they can do with their title. Keep shooting people. You’ll hit something eventually, though it’s likely your own foot.

Post break, Hart yells at Russo, but the boss says that was an attempt at making up for Montreal. Yes seriously, THAT’S THEIR BIG STORY. Bret throws the belt at Russo so he makes Hart vs. Goldberg for tonight. Nice to see them continue their tradition of airing the same match the night after Starrcade. I mean, it’s gone so well before.

Meng/Norman Smiley vs. Fit Finlay/Brian Knobbs

Hardcore of course. So why would Meng want to team with Smiley here? My question is quickly answered as Meng goes after Smiley before their opponents come out. Knobbs and Finlay come out to watch as the announcers try to explain the psychology. Apparently Knobbs and Finlay want Norman to keep the Hardcore Title so they can take it from him with less of a fight.

Therefore, we’re supposed to ignore the two of them knocking Smiley out cold with a pipe so Norman could pin him with one hand last night, proving that they could beat Meng with ease. As for the match, Norman gets chased through the crowd, objects are thrown, a bathroom is invaded, Norman’s head is put in a toilet and Knobbs gets the pin.

Rating: F. We’re over an hour into this show and this is the second best match of the night so far. I’m not sure if it’s good or horribly stupid that they’re trying to add psychology to this division. Yeah there’s an idea to it, but the idea is stupid. The joke isn’t funny though and Meng was just kind of there most of the “match” as everyone else was “fighting.”

Piper tells his kid to wait in the limo and gets a ball bat.

Video of the Artist Formerly Known As Prince Iaukea’s recording session where he doesn’t actually sing. Somehow this sounds like one of the more logical things on the show.

Hart is walking and runs into Piper. Bret tries to talk but Piper is back to babbling to himself.

Maestro vs. Evan Karagias

It’s a flashback to the NWO days as the announcers ignore what’s going on in the ring to talk about the backstage stuff. Maestro runs him over to start but Evan hits a springboard spinning cross body. Evan rains down right hands in the corner until he gets dropped throat first across the top rope. We get a bit of a tease as Maestro loads up a chinlock but slaps Evan in the face with both hands instead.

The announcers talk about Montreal with Tony saying it’s unbelievable that Russo wants to make up with Hart. Evan fights up and counters a hurricanrana into a powerbomb. Symphony gets shoved onto the apron but Evan has a quick change of heart to check on her. The distraction lets Maestro hit a knee to the back for the pin. Symphony is of course fine. Tony: “She sold that knee.”

Rating: D. Total mentions of Evan losing the title last night: zero. Then again it’s fairly clear that there’s no future to the title so losing the belt might have been the best thing possible for Evan. Maestro and Symphony are a nothing pairing but at least they’re not victims of a stalker anymore.

Piper literally destroys the Powers That Be’s office. Piper: “How about Adrian Adonis and Gorilla Monsoon?” And yes, he breaks the fourth wall.

Chavo Guerrero tries to sell Evan a book on how to pick up chicks. Thankfully, this ends in a beating.

Chris Kanyon vs. Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Diamond Dallas Page

Kanyon says this isn’t Hollywood and talks about destroying the Triad. Bigelow and Page come out and double team him with Page hitting a Rock Bottom and Bigelow adding a headbutt. A clothesline and another headbutt have Kanyon reeling but Page and Bigelow argue about which finisher should end Kanyon. Page offers a handshake but pulls Bigelow into a Diamond Cutter. It’s angle time though as Page drops to the floor, kisses a fan, and leaves. J. Biggs throws Kanyon a briefcase but the referee cuts him off, allowing Kanyon to hit Bigelow with a champagne bottle for the pin.

Rating: D+. Well that happened. They spent the entire summer building up the Triad and then the blowoff (I guess?) match takes four minutes with no announcement on a Nitro? Sounds appropriate to me. At least Kanyon has a new character and he’s getting as close as he can to thriving in it.

Bigelow is busted way open and Kanyon is bleeding from the hand. Were they stupid enough to use a real bottle???

Creative Control vs. Kevin Nash

There’s no referee so I don’t think this is a match. Actually that makes sense given how things worked earlier. Hall accompanies Nash on crutches. Since this isn’t a match (no bell), the twins tag. Nash slugs away at Patrick in the corner and kicks Gerald in the face as the tagging part is already done.

The numbers catch up with Nash and Gerald takes him down for a cover but there’s no referee. Heenan praises Nash for having the guts to say what he said earlier in the night. They start going after Kevin’s knee and the tagging starts up again. Hall gets bored and comes inside for some crutch shots to the twins. Creative Control walks out to end whatever this was.

Luger and Liz are amused at Sting having a broken jaw. Why they’re in the rafters and why Luger is dressed as Sting isn’t clear but I don’t think I want to know.

US Title: Chris Benoit vs. Jeff Jarrett

Another ladder match with Benoit defending because there’s no reason not to do it again twenty four hours later. At least it was good last night so maybe it works again here. They slug it out to start and Benoit takes over with a pair of dropkicks. Benoit ties him in the Tree of Woe for a running dropkick but Jeff crotches him against the post to take over. Back up and Benoit is the first to the ladder but he has to side step the baseball slide.

Benoit throws him into the chair in the corner before nailing the back and knee with the same chair. Jeff stays on the floor and holds his leg as Benoit breaks the ladder by stepping on the rungs. Tony: “Someone has gimmicked this ladder!” Tenay: “You know who it is!” Heenan: “Kidman?” The other side’s rungs break as well and it’s a guitar shot to Benoit as Jeff’s leg is fine. He grabs a fresh ladder and wins the title because SCREW YOU BENOIT FANS! YOU’RE GETTING JARRETT WHETHER YOU CARE OR NOT!

Rating: D+. They said the word gimmick for the ladder about ten times in two minutes near the end as the levels of obnoxiousness get higher and higher every single week. Benoit winning the title last night and being in the main event of a pay per view last month already seem to be nothing but memories.

After a bunch of replays, Curt Hennig tells Jarrett that the Powers That Be need to see him.

Sid Vicious vs. The Wall

Sid kicks him in the face to start and takes it outside for some right hands to Wall’s face. Back in and Wall hits him right back, only to eat a chokeslam. Cue Berlyn for a distraction, allowing Wall to load up a chokeslam of his own. Not that it matters as Berlyn missile dropkicks Wall for the DQ.

Sid powerbombs Berlyn and shakes Wall’s hand to complete the face turn.

Russo tells Jarrett that it’s going to happen tonight.

Disco offers to pay the mafia but Tony Marinara’s dad tells him he can join the Family or spend the rest of his life in a coma.

Harlem Heat vs. Varsity Club

Rotundo/Steiner here with Sullivan on commentary, where he spends the whole match referring to Rick as Robbie (Rick’s real name) because SHOOTING IS COOL AND HIP AND MAKES US SMARTER THAN YOU SO HA! Stevie quickly runs Rotundo over to start before it’s off to the partners. Booker kicks him in the face a few times but it’s too much to ask Steiner to sell so it’s a big clothesline to put Booker on the floor. Things get a bit confusing as the Varsity Club decides they’re the Freebirds (they’re from the right time period) and start changing places with Rotundo going to commentary.

That lasts all of eight seconds before Mike runs back in and misses a charge, allowing Booker to plant him with a Rock Bottom. Stevie comes in off the hot tag and cleans house but there go the lights because it’s Midnight. Ever the genius, Stevie yells at her, allowing Mike to roll him up for the pin.

Rating: D. More mindless brawling here with Booker doing everything he could to make it a match. I still have no idea why the Varsity Club is back as Rick was the only one doing anything, even though he’s one of the least likeable people on the roster. I’ll give them this though: at least this felt like a match, even with the screwy ending.

PG-13 runs in and attacks the Varsity Club. They can’t be serious.

The yet to be named Daffney is getting a Surge when the Misfits come up to hit on her. For reasons of crazy, she knees Jerry Only low and runs off.

Here’s David Flair for a chat but he beats up David Penzer first. Flair calls out Vampiro, who says he has no problem with David. Vampiro yells at Daffney but eats a crowbar shot. Jerry Only comes out and takes a beating as well, leaving David and Daffney to kiss.

Buff Bagwell comes out with something to say. He’s had a good career in WCW but now he wants some gold around his waist. Gene goes way out in right field and asks about rumors regarding Bagwell and Kimberly Page. Buff pushes the mic away and whispers to Gene, but Okerlund says that sounds like an admission of guilt. Bagwell admits that Kimberly is a knockout and if Page wasn’t a factor, he would, and I quote, “put his stuff all over Kim.” He mentions his bed and Page comes out to jump Bagwell.

Piper says goodbye to the locker room and calls Sid a kid. He rambles on about how hard wrestling has been on him and wants the boys to fight back against the Powers That Be.

WCW World Title: Bret Hart vs. Goldberg

The title is officially vacant coming in and Jeff Jarrett is watching on a monitor in the back. Goldberg hammers him in the face to start and chokes with a boot in the corner. They head outside with Goldberg hammering away even more as Bret has been on defense almost all match. Back in and a powerslam drops Hart but he grabs the ropes to break up a leg lock.

Bret starts going after the leg with kicks to the knee before wrapping it around the ropes. The referee goes down because of course he does and Bret slaps on the Figure Four. Cue the Outsiders with ball bats to beat up Goldberg. Bret lets go of the hold and beats on Goldberg as well so Piper comes back to try and protect Goldberg as the referee calls for the bell. There was a cover in there somewhere and Bret has won the title.

Jeff Jarrett comes out with spraypaint and……THE BAND IS BACK TOGETHER! Bret tries to say something but his mic doesn’t work. Everyone celebrates with their new titles to end the show.

Overall Rating: W. That’s W for waste. I’ve watched a lot of wrestling shows in my day (upwards of 4,000 last I checked). In the course of my time as a fan, I don’t remember a show that felt like a waste of my time. That has changed after this show. I can live with a show where nothing happens. I can live with a show full of bad matches. I can live with a show where the company loses its way for a night.

That’s not what happened on this show. This show was about eliminating every single concept and idea of logic and common sense from what used to be World Championship Wrestling. I’m not going to go into the long, long list of things this show did that made no sense, as A, I don’t have that much memory on this computer and B, I don’t think my blood pressure can take it.

Let’s sum up the major flaw in logic on this show. The idea is that Russo and company are in charge of booking the show and have turned it into a shoot. Ignoring how absolutely stupid that is to point out (from a kayfabe perspective, wrestling is always supposed to be a shoot), let’s go with Russo’s theory (I’ll ask for forgiveness later). Let’s say that Russo has complete authority and is writing himself into this position.

If that’s the case, why have any of his guys ever lost a match and why did we need some big conspiracy? Why didn’t Russo just book his boys on top the second he debuted? Why are we having some big conspiracy with Jarrett having to win the title back? Why am I supposed to believe anything that happens if Russo is just in charge of the whole thing? Did he book Nash to fight back against his authority or is Nash going into business for himself?

I get that it’s what Russo is going for, but it leaves so many ridiculous holes in the story and makes the whole thing so completely illogical that you can’t buy into anything going on in this company. Ninety percent of the show is scripted but THIS RIGHT HERE is real? Why should I believe that? At the end of the day, this is wrestling. I shouldn’t need a scorecard and a flow chart to keep track of what’s going on, nor should I have to hear all these insider terms. This is the definition of too much going on and making things way too complicated.

This stopped being wrestling and became Russo having fun and deciding to make this show his big personal playground. He’s removed logic and common sense from this show in order to turn it into some insider fest. I know I say this a lot, but I literally do not think it can get worse than this. They’ve taken away any the basic core principles of wrestling and made this a B movie. There is however one bright spot to this whole mess: Jim Cornette suddenly makes so much more sense to me.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1998 Pay Per View reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Starrcade 1999
Date: December 19, 1999
Location: MCI Center, Washington D.C.
Attendance: 8,582
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Scott Hudson, Bobby Heenan

We have arrived. We have reached the biggest show of the year for WCW. It’s the final pay per view of the year and the final Starrcade of the 1990s. Over the years this show has been a showcase for legends like Sting, Ric Flair, Lex Luger and Hulk Hogan. There have been great matches, moments and shows in general, many of which have been some of WCW’s best shows of all time. Now, forget everything I just said, because this is going to be one of the biggest disasters in the history of……I would say professional wrestling but that has nothing to do with what I’m about to sit through. Let’s get to it.

We open with a Scott Hudson narrated highlight package to preview the card. Up first in the package: the Revolution vs. Jim Duggan/his mystery partners. I’m pretty sure every match gets some time here, but my goodness they aren’t off to a rousing start by making me think about all of the impending disasters.

Now we get a standard opening video, focusing on the powerbomb match and then the World Title match.

Disco Inferno/Lash Leroux vs. Big Vito/Johnny the Bull

Disco lost a lot of money gambling (which I don’t think he ever paid back) to the Mafia so Don boss Tony Marinara sent Big Vito and Johnny the Bull after him. Lash helped Disco out and basically started a war against the mob, setting up this tag match. It’s also probably the match that has gotten the most build on the card. Normally I would ask why a match like this is opening the show, but the more I think about it, what else do they have?

It’s a brawl to start with Vito punching Lash down early on. A nice suplex drops Lash again and Vito nails a good looking superkick. Heenan gets in another of his lines that are open to interpretation as he wonders why the people in the back are so quiet. Off to Johnny who eats a dropkick from Lash and a clothesline from Disco for one.

Disco stomps away in the corner but Johnny sweeps the leg (because he’s the best in town) to take over. Vito scores with a hard running clothesline and Johnny’s swinging neckbreaker gets two. We hit the chinlock for a bit before something like a double powerbomb plants Disco again. Vito spends too much time mocking the crowd on the ropes though and hits the mat, allowing the hot tag to Lash.

Everything breaks down and the goons are dropped with clotheslines. A gorilla press drop puts Lash down but he avoids a top rope spinning legdrop. Disco hits a top rope splash for two but Vito comes off the top to break up the save (granted the really slow count made it a bit easier). Vito reverses a whip from Lash and sends him into the Last Dance from Disco by mistake, setting up Vito’s spinning DDT for the pin.

Rating: C. Totally acceptable tag match here, but I have a feeling we’ve just seen the match of the night. It’s the old power vs. speed formula which has worked for the better part of ever and worked here as well. The story made sense and was actually different for a change, but this could have been on almost any given Nitro. Still though, totally acceptable.

Post match Disco gets beaten up and thrown in the body bag, along with a bottle of ether. The mob takes him back to the parking lot and throw him in their car to take them away.

Goldberg vs. Hart is No DQ. If that was the stipulation beforehand, I haven’t heard of it.

Scott Hall is out of the US Title match due to a knee injury so Benoit is the champion.

The announcers run their mouths to fill time on a show with 13 matches. Keep in mind that this is coming after a backstage segment. Not only is it boring for the PPV audience, but it’s letting the crowd come down after a decent opener.

Cue Chris Benoit to say he doesn’t want the title this way, so it’s officially vacant. However, he’ll still have the ladder match against anyone that wants to face him for the title.

Cruiserweight Title: Madusa vs. Evan Karagias

Evan is defending and Madusa offered sex to get this show. After she earned the shot, Evan dumped Madusa for Nitro Girl Spice, making this just another title match but with man on woman violence because Russo is obsessed with this idea. Madusa dives off the top to take out Evan and Spice before sending him into the barricade. They head inside where Evan slaps her in the face and plants her with a powerslam, only to miss a Lionsault.

Madusa dropkicks him down but gets slammed off the top. A powerbomb puts Madusa down for two so Madusa powerbombs him right back. They head outside with Evan diving onto Madusa, but Spice gets on the apron to distract the champ. It’s just a ruse for the worst low blow ever, setting up Madusa’s German suplex for the pin and the title.

Rating: D-. So not only did they have a swerve, they had only the bare bones of a match as this was nothing more than a spot fest with no flow to it. Yeah Mysterio and Guerrera would do a bunch of spots, but at least they knew how to make them exciting. This was less than four minutes long and more about the fact that Madusa is a woman. In other words, they were trying to recreate Chyna without putting in the effort of building her up in DX all those years. That’s Russo’s philosophy: just go to the end goal without putting in any of the work and then blame the fans for not caring.

On the storyline front, let’s recap what just happened to Evan: he was duped into giving Madusa the shot by the offer of sex, then Madusa won the title shot again in a triple threat, then Evan got pinned on Thunder for no apparent reason, then the other woman, who was involved in this story to distract Evan, turned on him to give Madusa the title for no reason other than to mess with Evan, who made the mistake of being a champion and going after a pretty girl who seemed interested in him. Oh and Madusa hit cheated to win the title. I’m not sure if she was the face or the heel here, but I’m sure WCW didn’t know either.

Norman Smiley is dressed up like a Washington Redskin for his match with Meng. He certainly isn’t scared and ignore the scream when the producer tries to count him out of the interview. Sudden moves like that just are not necessary when Norman is a coiled spring ready to explode! Ignore the fact that the Hardcore Title is practically identical to the ECW Title.

Hardcore Title: Meng vs. Norman Smiley

Norman the coward is defending. They throw weapons at each other to start before Meng shoves the cart full of weapons runs Norman over. It’s in the back without Norman ever making it to the ring and Norman blasts him in the head with the chair for almost no effect. Norman runs away through catering before Meng slams him through a table.

Meng throws a cinder block at his head but Norman avoids the whole death thing. Smiley dives behind some boxes to hide, allowing Finlay and Brian Knobbs to come up and beat Meng down. Well kind of as Meng no sells the chair and trashcan shots until Finlay NAILS him with a lead pipe to knock Meng silly. Norman comes out and covers to retain.

Rating: D. Norman is a guy that tries so hard but can’t get out of this hardcore nonsense. This was your standard hardcore match with Meng dominating and Norman screaming a lot but somehow escaping for the title. In other words, it’s your standard TV match being held at Starrcade because Russo doesn’t know the difference between the shows.

Meng beats up Nick Patrick for reasons.

David Flair has a gold crowbar delivered to him and seems very happy.

Oklahoma and Steve Williams are ready. There’s nothing more to this segment.

Oh wait there is, as we cut back to see the Misfits kidnap Oklahoma.

We recap Jim Duggan vs. the Revolution, which is based around the idea of the Revolution thinking they’re a sovereign nation and wanting to deface the American flag. Bringing Duggan in makes sense there, but the Powers That Be says there’s nothing to his love of America and made him a janitor because that’s funny or something.

Jim Duggan/??? vs. Revolution

It’s Asya/Saturn/Malenko/Douglas here and we have no idea who the partners are here. If Duggan wins, the Revolution has to be the janitors for 30 days, but if Duggan loses, he has to denounce America. Duggan’s partners are…..the Varsity Club, a team which hit its peak in 1988/1989. In case you’re like, young or something, it’s Rick Steiner/Kevin Sullivan/Mike Rotundo with Leia Meow (ECW’s Kimona) as their cheerleader.

Shane sits in on commentary to make it a handicap match. Dean and Duggan start things off but Saturn comes in less than ten second in. The Varsity Club gets in some cheap shots in the corner before Duggan hammers away with forearms to the back. Dean comes in again for an elbow to the face and a slam, followed by the three point clothesline for two.

Saturn gets the same off a missile dropkick as Heenan points out that Duggan hasn’t tried to tag out. Just get to the swerve we all know is coming from here. Saturn misses a middle rope splash but Dean hits Jim in the head with a flag. Everyone comes in with the Varsity Club cleaning house, including tying Asya in the Tree of Woe for Sullivan’s running knee. Then they turn on Duggan because what else were they going to do here? Shane runs in for the pin as the Varsity Club keeps beating up Saturn on the floor.

Rating: F. This is STARRCADE 1999 and they bring out the Varsity Club? If they were going for some kind of nostalgia/history thing here, they completely missed the point as the Varsity Club’s biggest moment was when they were fighting each other, assuming anyone remembered/cared about that in 1999. As it is, this is just another four minute match capped off by a beatdown to make it a Jim Duggan story. What is the mass appeal here and who thought the one thing this show needed was MORE people running around?

Shane tells Duggan he has 24 hours before he has to renounce America. They drape the Revolution flag over him, only to take it right back off.

The Misfits have Oklahoma in a shark cage to make sure he stays out of the Vampiro match.

Vampiro vs. Steve Williams

If Vampiro wins, he gets five minutes with Oklahoma. The Misfits wheel out Oklahoma in the shark cage but he has a headset on and can still do his Jim Ross jokes because…..screw the sarcasm. This whole thing is stupid. Vampiro dives off the cage to take Williams out and the brawl begins on the floor. They head inside with Oklahoma yelling at the commentators. Williams fires off a chop so Oklahoma shouts CHOP over and over.

Some three point tackles take out Vampiro’s legs followed by some chops, but Oklahoma gets bored saying chop over and over. A belly to belly superplex sends Vampiro flying but brings in the Misfits. Williams cleans house with ease and suplexes Vampiro down again. He hammers on Vampiro but shoves the referee down (how have we not had a ref bump tonight?) for a DQ, setting up Vampiro vs. Oklahoma.

Rating: D. So their solution to make us care about Vampiro is to have him get beaten up until the referee gets knocked down while Oklahoma gets to do his same joke over and over and over and over and over. I feel like iTunes on repeat (who uses records anymore?) saying this but STOP USING THE SHOW FOR YOUR OWN STUPID JOKES THAT AREN’T EVEN FUNNY IN THE FIRST PLACE!

The five minute clock starts immediately.

Oklahoma vs. Vampiro

Security gets Williams out of here as we’re still waiting on Oklahoma to get out of the cage. Oklahoma gets in after about two minutes and kicks Vampiro in the head. More slow stomps connect before Vampiro hits a single chop, only to have Oklahoma nail two straight low blows. A quick Rock Bottom drops Oklahoma and the Misfits come in for some shots, which the referee doesn’t seem to mind. The Nail in the Coffin ends this mess.

To recap, Vampiro needed the help of a punk rock band (how many of the fans actually know who they are?) to beat Oklahoma, who beat the tar out of Vampiro for most of the “match”. Again, the announcers are getting the push at the sake of someone like Vampiro, who may or may not be entertaining but he’s an actual wrestler.

Russo tells Hennig/Shane/La Parka/Creative Control that he has something big planned for tonight so he can’t quite focus on their match. Thanks for letting us know about this an hour into the show instead of building it up for a few weeks, but they probably didn’t know a few weeks ago.

Stevie Ray tells Booker he won’t have his back tonight.

Harlem Heat/Midnight vs. Curt Hennig/Creative Control

The winning tag team is #1 contenders so Hennig and Midnight are just kind of here to fill in the roster, because Heaven forbid we just have a regular tag match. My goodness there are suddenly a lot of empty seats across from the cameras. I couldn’t have missed those earlier. There’s no Stevie so it’s a handicap match with more man on woman.

Gerald stomps Booker into the corner to start before no selling a spin kick to the face. So much for this one changing the tide of the show. We look at the ladder for later and come back with Midnight in without seeing what happened in between. I’m betting Gerald lost a Canasta game and had to allow the hot tag.

It’s quickly back to Booker who gets beaten down again but quickly gets over to tag in Midnight for some dropkicks. Hennig clotheslines her out to the floor and the heels take over again. Back in and Creative Control takes over on Midnight as Hudson talks about the big events of the night: the return of the Varsity Club and Disco being thrown into a car. We get the old “referee doesn’t see the tag” spot as Stevie Ray comes out, only to be sent to the back by Booker.

Midnight gets slammed down and Patrick drops some elbows for two. He misses the middle rope elbow though and Midnight gets over for the hot tag. It doesn’t count as Nick Patrick was “talking to Stevie Ray.” That’s true, but THEY WERE LOOKING AT THE TAG. As in Nick clearly realized he wasn’t supposed to see it and you can see him try to snap his head away in time so it doesn’t look that bad but it doesn’t work. Hennig sneaks in with a foreign object to knock Booker silly for the pin and a delayed bell.

Rating: D. As usual, this was an angle disguised as a match. On top of the match being boring for the most part and yet another woman being in there for the sake of being in there (Midnight was fine but the announcers spent the whole match talking about how awesome it was to have a woman in there, which just puts more attention on the fact that she’s nothing special), the gaffes like Nick seeing the tag made this a huge mess. Above all else though, I just do not care because I haven’t been given a reason to care. These people are just characters with little development so it’s really hard to get interested.

We recap Jarrett vs. Rhodes. Basically Dustin returned as something resembling a child abductor but he decided he wanted to be Dustin Rhodes because THAT has such a great track record for him. Jeff thought it was funny that Dustin’s dad got fired so the feud began again and of course it turned into a bunkhouse match to make it about cowboys and hardcore.

Dustin, wearing a Dusty Rhodes shirt, talks about the match but Jeff jumps him to start.

Jeff Jarrett vs. Dustin Rhodes

Jarrett runs Dustin’s knee over with a wheelbarrow and hits him in the throat with a kendo stick. They slam each other into the wheelbarrow before heading inside for the first time with Jeff taking a cowbell to the head. Well you knew the bullrope and cowbell were going to be involved somehow. Some bell shots knock Jarrett onto the announcers’ table but hitting him in the head with a metal bell doesn’t sound as good as throwing powder in Jeff’s face.

Dustin pulls out a whip and nails both Jarrett and the referee before duct taping the referee to the ropes. Jeff shrugs off a shot with some chaps (you think I care enough to react to that at this point?) and kicks Dustin low as Curt Hennig comes out to untape the referee. We hit the sleeper as Jarrett tries to make this wrestling for reasons I don’t understand.

Dustin finally suplexes his way out and gets two off a Boss Man Slam. Shattered Dreams connects but Hennig pulls the referee out at two. That earns Curt some Shattered Dreams of his own and all three head up to the entrance. Dustin plants Hennig with a bulldog but Jeff climbs the ladder and blasts him with a guitar for the pin.

Rating: D. Ok. What else do you want me to say here? Two guys who are feuding over someone not even working for this promotion anymore had a long (by this show’s standards) match and the heel had someone else come in to basically make it a handicap match. The good guy fought back and then the two beat him without anything overly interesting happening.

Jeff Jarrett continues to not by over but gets pushed to the moon (dig that huge win over DUSTIN RHODES!) because he beat up a woman in the WWF. These guys weren’t really putting in a ton of effort though and it’s clear that no one has anything special without some kind of character behind them. It’s just two old school style guys having a boring match and that’s not something I want to watch for eleven minutes.

David Flair makes the headless teddy bear stroke the golden crowbar. Somehow, there isn’t a single bit of innuendo in that entire sentence. Why David is wearing a Halloween Havoc shirt isn’t clear.

Page says his hands will have a crowbar in them tonight and then those same hands will give Flair a bang.

Diamond Dallas Page vs. David Flair

IT’S A CROWBAR ON A POLE MATCH!!! This is like Russo’s hit parade if I had to pay $30 to see it. This match is due to David stalking Kimberly after Kimberly slept with Ric Flair instead of David. So yeah, we have sex, insanity, illogical stories and a thing on a pole. Like I said, the hit parade rolls on. The crowbar is pitifully low as anyone of average height could reach it from the mat.

David sneaks up from behind with the gold crowbar (different from the one on the pole) but Little Naitch (who should be in David’s corner in theory) takes it away, because even if you’re insane and carrying a crowbar, you MUST follow the rules! The referee checks on Page and says the match will be a forfeit, but Page shoves Penzer away and wants to go.

We get the opening bell and David hammers away because how else was this going to be competitive? David counters a sunset flip and punches Page in the face for two. A clothesline gets the same as we’re still waiting on any attempt at the crowbar. Flair hits a low blow and puts on a Figure Four but Page turns it over for the break. Flair gets the crowbar, misses a swing and eats the Diamond Cutter for the pin.

Rating: F. Remember when Chris Jericho would lose and then go insane and beat the post with a chair? That’s how I feel here. There was no reason for this to be on pay per view or for this to be a gimmick match other than to make the match more believable. In other words, they can’t have a good match without making it a gimmick and the match can’t be good because it’s a gimmick. Who other than Vince Russo could book a sub four minute match into a paradox while almost completely ignoring the gimmick that causes the paradox in the first place?

Page gives him a middle rope Diamond Cutter post match and it about to hit him with the crowbar but the yet to be named Daffney runs in to cover Flair up. Page leaves instead of hit the crazy chick.

Heenan wants a beer. I don’t drink but can someone get me a hammer to crush my own skull?

We recap Luger vs. Sting, which has seen Luger treat Liz like garbage (more anti-women fetish material for Russo), which sent her running off for Sting to help him. At the same time, Luger “inadvertently” cost Sting some matches and kept trying to make it up to him, only making it worse in the process. Their match tonight is for Liz’s freedom, which she totally and completely wants of course.

Total Package vs. Sting

In the back, Sting gives Liz “super high octane” mace. The STEROIDS chant begins and Luger quickly sends Sting outside. Some whips into the barricade have Sting in more trouble before some elbows get two. Sting no sells a ram into the buckle and Luger gets caught between slaps from Sting and Liz. A double clothesline puts both of them down because of those two and a half DEVASTATING minutes of action.

Liz comes in to check on Luger and sprays the mace at Sting, but it’s silly string because Sting actually outsmarted someone!!!!! Even the announcers acknowledge how shocking this is. Sting makes his comeback and hits a top rope splash for two. A pair of regular Stinger Splashes look to set up the Deathlock but Liz comes in with the ball bat for a very loud sounding shot to the jaw for the DQ.

Rating: D+. I’m upgrading this because of the bat shot and the string. Other than that, this was a big mess with the whole thing not even breaking six minutes despite it being one of the bigger matches on the card. This changes nothing as Liz is freed from Luger but apparently wants to stay with him, making this whole thing a big waste of time. Imagine that.

Luger Pillmanizes Sting’s arm post match. Remember two years ago when Sting was in the biggest match in WCW history? How was that just two years ago?

To recap, that was the tenth match of the show and, assuming you count Madusa as a heel, the third match where the heel didn’t either win or get the last laugh after the match. Those three are Vampiro and the Misfits beating up Oklahoma (who dominated the “match”), Page over David Flair and Norman Smiley over Meng where Norman was treated like a goon all match. Is there any doubt why so many fans are leaving their seats halfway through the show?

We recap Sid vs. Nash in the powerbomb match. I’ve watched the shows setting this match up and now I’ve watched the video and I’m still not exactly sure why they’re fighting. They’ve fought a few times but I’m not sure why they started in the first place. Again though, I doubt WCW does either other than “hey, they’re both big!”

Sid Vicious vs. Kevin Nash

You win by using a powerbomb instead of a pin or a submission because we just couldn’t have either guy do a real job for the sake of…..probably some legal deal actually. Nash takes over to start and hits the framed elbow and a side slam for two. A low blow breaks up Sid’s powerbomb attempt and it’s time to go outside so they don’t have to wrestle. Sid hits him in the back with a chair but stops to tell the fans to shut up. Good grief dude at least know what you’re supposed to be doing out there. Back in and Sid tries to start a powerbomb chant but the fans are mostly silent. Well to be fair that’s what Sid wanted.

The referee FINALLY GETS BUMPED, right before Sid hits a powerbomb. Cue Jeff Jarrett with a guitar to knock Sid out cold. The referee slowly gets up and Nash loads up a powerbomb but his back is out. Now the referee turns around as Nash is holding his back and Sid is down. Nash: “Yeah I powerbombed him.” Referee: “WELL OK THEN!” Nash wins. Scott Hudson: “I refuse to refer to Nash as the master of the powerbomb!” Oh dang man. No Scott Hudson endorsement? This is a sham of a reign as powerbomb master!

Rating: F. Failure, freaking stupid, for the love of all things good and holy, for goodness’ sake, fire them both. Pick any two and that’s what the F stands for here. I actually had to get up and walk around for a bit before I started talking about this. They somehow booked a match built around one finisher and then they couldn’t even do that finish because Nash didn’t want to do the powerbomb.

From a kayfabe perspective, how freaking horrible do the referees in this company look? Ranging from staying down for five minutes off a single shot to not being able to see a tag literally three feet in front of them to saying “yeah, sure I’ll believe you when you say you powerbombed him. You would never lie”, these are the worst referees I’ve ever seen. Oh and then there’s Roddy Piper who has a young boy doing his work for him and who hears voices in his head. I would do a Randy Orton joke there but Orton is too good for this show.

Benoit says the open challenge is still, uh, open.

US Title: Chris Benoit vs. ???

Ladder match and the title is officially vacant coming in The mystery opponent is……Jeff Jarrett, because why have two Jarrett segments when you can have three??? And my goodness did he change from jeans to gear in a hurry. It’s a brawl in the aisle to start with Benoit chopping Jeff into the ring. Something like an Irish Curse drops Jarrett and a superplex allows Benoit to go get the first ladder.

Jarrett gets up and hits a baseball slide to drive the ladder into Benoit, but Chris whips him into the ladder in the corner a few times to take over again. Benoit gets crotched against the ladder for something like a Russian legsweep out of the corner. Chris is busted open but still able to tie Jeff in the Tree of Woe in the standing ladder, only to find out that it’s hard to climb a ladder with someone hanging from the other side.

Both guys go up until Jarrett gets knocked down, followed by both guys going up and getting knocked over for nice crashes. In the best spot of the match, Benoit goes up but Jarrett dropkicks the ladder out from underneath him, sending Benoit down for a huge crash. Benoit is up first and dropkicks the ladder onto Jarrett but Benoit would rather drop a Swan Dive off the top of the ladder instead of grab the belt. Now he goes up and gets the belt for the win.

Rating: B. That might be high but anything above horrible would be ten times better than everything else on this show. Best match of the night here by about 19,000 years and naturally it only has ten minutes because we needed to give Oklahoma two matches and have the really stupid David Flair match instead of giving this another eight minutes. There isn’t much to say here other than the guys were doing big spots and making them look good. In other words, the polar opposite of everything else tonight.

We recap Goldberg vs. Hart, which started over Hart wanting to give Goldberg a title shot, and then became an Outsiders story involving the Tag Team Titles. Other than a few one off promos, these two have barely addressed each other.

Bret says he’s winning whether Goldberg likes it or not.

WCW World Title: Bret Hart vs. Goldberg

No DQ and there must be a winner with Bret defending. Instead of asking if we’re ready to rumble, Buffer tells us we’re ready because the fans would probably boo such a question out of the building for making this last even longer. You know how most of the time at Wrestlemania the main event eats up like 40 minutes? The bell here rings with just over thirteen minutes to go in the show. For some reason it would feel wrong if the main event of the biggest show of the year had more time than that.

They shake hands and we’re ready to go. Goldberg shoves him down out of a lockup to start but Bret takes him down with a headlock. That goes nowhere so Goldberg gorilla presses him into a powerslam for two. Goldberg tries that rolling leglock but Bret turns it into an early Sharpshooter attempt as only he could do. They fight outside with the referee getting bumped. It’s not even a big deal at this point.

Robinson comes out as a replacement and an overly excited (and likely drunk) fan is dancing badly in the front row. A big boot puts Hart down back inside but Robinson gets bumped on a hiptoss. Goldberg spears the turnbuckle as the third referee comes down to see Bret put on the Figure Four around the post. Back in and Bret starts in on the leg and puts on a regular Figure Four. The turn sends Bret running for the ropes so he wraps the leg around the middle rope in the corner.

Goldberg reverses and hammers away but referee number three goes down. There’s the Bret Killer superkick to set up the spear but a dejected Roddy Piper comes out to be the fourth referee. Bret, apparently having shrugged off the spear kicks Goldberg in the knee and MONTREAL STRIKES AGAIN as Piper calls for the bell before Bret turns the Sharpshooter over. Hudson: “NOT MONTREAL ALL OVER AGAIN!” Yes it’s Montreal all over again, because THAT’S THE DUMBEST THING THEY COULD POSSIBLY DO!

Rating: D-. The match was watchable but between the whole ending Bret Hart’s career and going back to a fake Montreal over two years later with Bret on the good end this time is one of the worst possible ideas they could have come up with. If you want Bret to keep the title on a screwjob then have someone lay Goldberg out from behind or whatever, but good night don’t do it like this. I mean, if this is the best they can think of, just close the doors now because Russo is clearly not what he’s cracked up to be (oh gee what an understatement) and they need to find ANYONE else to give the reigns over to immediately.

Piper hands Bret the belt and walks off to end the show.

Overall Rating: No. No no, no no no, no no, no no. This is flat out not acceptable as the biggest show of the year for any promotion, or as a show for any serious promotion actually. Where in the world do I even start? Well let’s start at the ending actually, as the main event was the longest match of the night at 12:07. This past week’s episode of Raw had two matches longer than that and that’s a run of the mill TV show.

Above all else, this felt like it could be any given filler pay per view where they’re not trying. I know WCW had mixed feelings about how big of a deal Starrcade really was, but at least they would usually give lip service to the fact that it’s the biggest night of the year. This felt like Fall Brawl or Uncensored instead of Starrcade and that’s a feeling that you can’t shake off no matter what.

Starrcade 1999 was Vince Russo with time to come up with his best possible ideas. Somehow he’s managed to produce the one of the worst Wrestlemanias and the one of the worst Starrcades of all time, IN THE SAME YEAR. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to do that in the span of about nine months? So much of this can be blamed on the writing and booking too. When you have thirteen matches in a show that runs less than two hours and forty five minutes, there’s very little the wrestlers can do to make the thing work.

The Mamalukes vs. Disco/Lash was the best match of the night until Chris Benoit and a ladder took their top spot. That’s almost inconceivable that a totally average tag match was as good as this show could do for about 80% of the card. These stories are thrown together with no real rhyme or reason to most of them and at some point the fans just gave up. Yeah, it worked back in the WWF in 1999, but it’s the same argument made about TNA now: why would I want to watch a lite version of the same stories with lesser and older talent doing the work?

There comes a point where you have to show your audience some respect or they’re going to turn on you. That’s where Russo doesn’t get the point: he thinks the fans are going to follow whatever he does because they’re watching a wrestling show and therefore aren’t that smart. That means he can throw some big series of swerves at us and expect us to just go with it with an explanation of “YOU DIDN’T SEE IT COMING!” and then somehow blame us for not getting it. I know this is rambling but after watching this disaster there’s no way to have any sort of coherent thought process.

It’s just one big surprise after another, but the problem is you can start to see the surprises coming about half an hour into the show. If you train your audience to expect a big swerve, it stops being a swerve and becomes part of the plot. Piper coming out at the end of the big swerve would have worked better if we didn’t have so many people turning on each other or one big surprise after another for two and a half hours leading up to it.

It doesn’t help that Piper is a legend and hasn’t had a good match in about seven years at this point but he’s being featured as a major plot point for a story that people don’t care about. The build for this show didn’t make me want to see it and then the show itself was horrible, making me have no desire to keep tuning in.

What is there that’s left untied here? Nash wins to show Sid is worthless, Hall is probably going to come back and take the title from Benoit, and we get to see more Jeff Jarrett. The big cliffhanger here is “WHY DID PIPER SCREW BRET???” If that’s the big question going into Nitro tomorrow, I have zero desire to keep watching this promotion, but I’m sure it’s my fault for not supporting Russo like he deserves for putting on all this EXCITING TV for me. Total disaster of a show and more like hitting a rock wall instead of starting some new chapter in the company’s history as the year is coming to a close.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1998 Pay Per View reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

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Thunder
Date: December 16, 1999
Location: Mobile Civic Center, Mobile, Alabama
Attendance: 3,889
Commentators: Mike Tenay, Scott Hudson, Juventud Guerrera

It’s the final show before Starrcade and the big question is how can WCW screw this up even further. In theory we’re getting big stars again tonight, but as we saw last week, that means nothing if the longest match is like four minutes and nothing comes from it. Also, how many big names lose heading into the biggest show of the year? Let’s get to it.

Here are Sid and Benoit to open the show, apparently having forgotten Sid destroying Benoit at Fall Brawl three months ago. Sid talks about the war with the Outsiders and guarantees that it’s a war they can’t win. There are no escapes or retreats, but plenty of surrenders. Actually there won’t be because you made sure it was a powerbomb match so neither guy has to job.

Benoit talks about Hall’s history in ladder matches, while making sure to name drop the WWF as many times as he can. This Sunday, Benoit becomes the new king of the ladder. A challenge is made for a tag match tonight but here are Hennig/Creative Control/La Parka/Shane. Curt says the Outsiders are busy fighting Goldberg/Hart in a House of Pain match tonight, so Benoit and Sid can fight each other or be suspended for six months without pay. Who gave Hennig authority?

Juventud Guerrera comes out for commentary and does two Rock lines before the segment is over. I get the idea here but it’s just not that funny.

Sting jumps Diamond Dallas Page for the attack on Monday. Page looks for Sting after a break.

Vampiro vs. Buff Bagwell

For the first time, we hear about Vampiro getting five minutes with Oklahoma if he beats Dr. Death on Sunday. A bad shoulder puts Vampiro down and here’s Oklahoma to watch. Vampiro strikes away in the corner but gets slammed down off the top. Buff counters a hurricanrana with a powerbomb but let’s look at singer Aaron Neville in the crowd along with the less than 2000 people who paid to get in. A superkick puts Buff on the floor but Vampiro has to glare at Oklahoma, which brings in Jerry Only and Williams for a standoff. As they fight, Oklahoma gets in a barbecue bottle shot, setting up the Blockbuster for the pin.

Rating: D. This was another waste of time with the match just being there as a backdrop for the Oklahoma/Williams/Misfits nonsense. But at least we got to see the barbecue spot, and that’s funny because it’s something Jim Ross done and Jim Ross being himself is funny in some way I guess. Right?

Vampiro gets covered in barbecue sauce to continue the unfunny joke.

Prince Iaukea and Paisley don’t have much to say. Literally, Prince’s new thing is he doesn’t talk.

The Artist Form of Prince Iaukea vs. Evan Karagias

Non-title and Evan now has Spice with him. Well that’s an upgrade. Juvy says this will be the jabroni match of the week. Jot that down: a champion is a jabroni. Prince points at Evan so Evan twists the finger back. Some right hands set up a springboard cross body for two on Prince but Iaukea dropkicks him out to the floor. Cue Madusa to fight with Spice because this show can’t have a five minute match without someone coming to the ring. Paisley gets beaten up as well as Evan hits a missile dropkick on Prince. He tries to break up the girls though and Iaukea grabs a rollup for the pin, three days before a title defense.

Madusa slaps Evan post match so he leaves with Spice.

Page and Sting go at it in the back when another Sting comes up to go after the original Sting. It’s clearly Luger, but in case it wasn’t obvious enough, Page shouts LUGER as the fake Sting leaves.

Jim Duggan/Midnight vs. Asya/Perry Saturn

Shane sits in on commentary. The guys start things off with Duggan cranking on the arm and putting on a chinlock maybe 45 seconds into the match. Back up and Duggan starts a clubberin before clotheslining Saturn into the corner. It’s off to the girls with Midnight dropkicking her down so it’s off to Saturn for MAN ON WOMAN VIOLENCE! Where would we be without that?

Saturn hammers away in the corner and scores with a suplex as Harlem Heat comes down. The girls collide and it’s back to the guys with Duggan coming in for his old 80s offense. Everything breaks down and Midnight is sent to the floor, but Stevie throws her right back in. Shane comes in and clotheslines Saturn by mistake so Dean brings in the 2×4, only to have Duggan take it away and nail Saturn for the pin.

Rating: C-. Somehow, that’s 7:20 worth of wrestling but even worse, it’s probably as good as this show is going to have. The amount of time helped it a bit, but the problem this company has isn’t the lack of good wrestling but the lack of wrestling period. It’s very telling that I’m so starved for actual wrestling on these shows that a thirty second run from Duggan, who was a total brawler for most of his career, was one of the best parts of either Thunder or Nitro this week.

The Revolution beats down Duggan but Aaron Neville and Booker T. make the save. Was Neville really necessary there? WWF had Mike Tyson the year before this, but WCW has some country singer in his late 50s at this point.

David Flair screams at Gene Okerlund for no logical reason.

Sting swings his ball bat and looks for Luger.

Hardcore Title: Norman Smiley vs. David Flair

Norman, in Alabama football gear, uses a trashcan to block an early crowbar shot. They trade trashcan shots, followed by Norman’s spinning slam. David breaks up the spanking dance with a trashcan lid to the head but Meng comes out and destroys David’s teddy bear, sending Norman running away for…….wait for it…….a countout in a Hardcore Title match. Since that’s against the rules, doesn’t that mean that this match is still going on over fifteen years later?

Smiley runs from the arena.

Sting wants Luger out here right now because he knows it was him under that mask. Cue Luger, still dressed as Sting, for a beating from the real version. Juvy thinks it’s Ric Flair (Black Scorpion reference?) as Luger blocks the third Stinger Splash by raising a boot. Liz pulls the bat away from Luger, allowing Sting to Rack him (there’s a rarity). That knocks Liz down though, allowing Luger to get in some cheap shots with the bat on Sting before running away.

Post break, Sting doesn’t want medical help.

Luger drives away. Bye.

The Wall vs. Steve Williams

Oklahoma jumps in on commentary because what else is he going to do? Wall’s shoulder block is stopped by the powers of AMERICA before Williams hammers away with right hands and a slam. Williams charges into a boot and let’s cut to Chavo Guerrero selling stuff in the crowd. The fans chant for Chavo as Berlyn chases Oklahoma off and nails Williams with some foreign object for the DQ.

Rating: D. So not only are we seeing Ferrara as the Jim Ross impersonator, but now we have to sit through Steve Williams getting matches on TV? He’s fun to watch for a power guy, but you would think there are other people who could perform the role just as well. Like, the Wall for example?

Wall and Berlyn argue.

Nitro recap.

Buzzkill has fans sign a petition. He doesn’t actually say for what, but hopefully it’s his release so he can go be Brad Armstrong in the indies.

Curt Hennig vs. Dustin Rhodes

Before the match, Dustin calls Jeff Jarrett slap happy and promises to be his daddy Sunday night. Hennig jumps him to start but Dustin slams him right back down. This brings Shane inside but he gets caught in the corner for Shattered Dreams. Curt hammers away again and there go the lights. JUST LET THEM WRESTLE! Some guy dressed like Seven flies to the ring with a guitar and nails Dustin for the DQ. My goodness. You have Curt Hennig and Dustin Rhodes and think they need a screwy finish? Those two could wrestle a passable match in their sleep but they get two and a half minutes and a run-in? Really?

Jarrett (like it was going to be anyone else) and Hennig destroy Dustin post match.

After a break and some ads, Jeff Jarrett calls the Rhodes Family a bunch of slapnuts.

Chris Benoit/Sid Vicious vs. Creative Control/Curt Hennig/Shane/La Parka

Sid wants the Powers That Be to come out here and fight like men. The twins go after Benoit to start as Sid mauls the other three. Benoit comes back on the twins as Sid beats Hennig up on the floor. The twins get beaten up by Benoit’s ladder but Gerald saves Patrick from the Crossface. Curt gets back in and nails Benoit with the ladder and that’s a DQ. Nice two minute seven man handicap match.

Sid and Benoit get beaten down. What this has to do with or makes me want to see Sid vs. Nash and Benoit vs. Hall is beyond me. But at least the heels get to look strong and heels are cool right?

Piper is going to be the gatekeeper for the cage match tonight. Oh yay.

Kanyon vs. Diamond Dallas Page

Why this isn’t on Starrcade instead of Page vs. David Flair is another of life’s great mysteries. Guerrera calls Kanyon Shampoo instead of Champagne. The Champagne character works fine as Kanyon being in a movie and letting it go to his head makes sense, especially when you consider how minimal his contribution was (he was a stunt man) compared to all of the wrestlers who starred in the movie and don’t act all stuck up. Now of course that wasn’t intentional in this company, but it’s a nice touch. Anyway, Page comes out to talk trash of his own but gets gum spat in his face to get things going.

Biggs does commentary as Page hits a neckbreaker but can’t hit an early Diamond Cutter. A Rock Bottom gets two for Page until Kanyon comes back with a lot of choking. Kanyon loads up a tilt-a-whirl but Page busts out a headscissors of all things to take Kanyon down. That’s a new one for him. The announcers babble on about green cards as Kanyon stomps away in the corner. Page comes back with a clothesline and some punches but Biggs gets up on the apron, only to hit his client by mistake. There’s the Diamond Cutter but David Flair comes in with the crowbar to knock Page silly and give Kanyon the win.

Rating: D+. Not a horrible match but the run-in continues to screw with whatever good stuff this show could have going for it. At least Kanyon has a new character which works well enough for him, but what has happened to Diamond Dallas Page recently? The guy has gone from World Champion to just there in about eight months.

Bam Bam Bigelow runs in but gets laid out by a champagne bottle.

Piper beats up Creative Control with a pipe.

Bret walks to the ring until the director yells CUT.

Nash can’t find Hall. Uh oh.

Starrcade ad.

A medic runs into the Outsiders’ locker room, apparently due to an attack on Scott Hall.

Tag Team Titles: Outsiders vs. Goldberg/Bret Hart

The Outsiders are defending and this is a House of Pain match, which means a cage with a roof on it but you win by handcuffing your opponents to the cage. In other words, it’s a way to keep people from having to job. Roddy Piper is gatekeeper but Creative Control and Jeff Jarrett beats him down during the entrances. Nash and Hart fight in the ring as Goldberg runs out and attacks Jarrett and the twins as Piper shrugs off a beating, including a series of lead pipe shots, to clean house.

Goldberg rips the cage door off so he and Piper (now with the lead pipe) can come in. Jeff follows them in with guitars for Goldberg and Piper but Goldberg shrugs it off and spears Jeff down. Nash gets the pipe and hits Goldberg, allowing Jeff (fine ten seconds after the spear) to help chain Goldberg and Hart to the cage, presumably retaining the titles. Piper gets chained as well and Nash and Jarrett attack with the pipe before leaving. Goldberg rips the handcuffs from the cage to end the show.

No match of course but WOW. Nash just beat the main event of Starrcade in less than three minutes. Piper no sold pipe shots, Goldberg no sold a guitar shot, Jarrett no sold a spear, and then Goldberg no sold a beating with a pipe and ripped the handcuffs off. The World Title match wasn’t mentioned throughout this mess and basically the entire thing was a way to blow off a meaningless TV angle instead of focusing on the main event of Starrcade. Finally, well done on bringing that cage in. I’m so glad WCW spent the money to have it shipped over for a five minute appearance.

Overall Rating: F-. We are three days before Starrcade. Think about that as you look at the card and you’ll understand why this is a failure. Vince Russo has turned this company into a show where I’m looking forward to Janitor Jim Duggan appearances because I might get thirty seconds of brawling disguised as wrestling. That’s what I’ve sunk to after all these messes over the last few months and now I get to see the Granddaddy of Them All dragged through the mud. It can’t……it can’t…….it’s going to get worse isn’t it?

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1998 Pay Per View reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00UYAMB8U

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Monday Nitro #218
Date: December 13, 1999
Location: New Orleans, Arena, New Orleans, Louisiana
Attendance: 6,835
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan

How is this already the go home show for Starrcade? Goldberg vs. Hart feels like a midcard match instead of the main event. Based on the amount of time given to each match, it would seem that the Mamalukes vs. Disco/Lash is headlining the card. I’m not even sure what all is on the card at this point. Let’s get to it.

We open with Benoit winning a fight against Jarrett in the back.

Opening sequence.

The Artist Formerly Known As Prince Iaukea vs. Maestro

Between the piano being lowered to the stage (with Symphony back) and Iaukea’s slow artsy entrance, we’re ready to go at nearly ten minutes into the show. Maestro throws him to the floor to start before planting him with a spinebuster back inside. The girls get into it and Prince grabs a rollup with a handful of tights for the pin.

Post match, here’s Jarrett with the guitars to knock out both guys. Jeff wants a Bunkhouse Brawl (another name for hardcore of course) with Benoit tonight.

Nash is looking for Hall.

Evan Karagias hits on Spice but Madusa comes up to get in a catfight.

Here’s Bret Hart with something to say. He talks about how much he respects Goldberg, but guarantees a win this Sunday. Cue Goldberg, complete with the full security entrance. How did they know to knock on the door at that point? Goldberg wasn’t scheduled for a match, so did Dillinger just think “he might want to respond here?” He thinks Bret is going to be next on Sunday. I’m so glad it took two minutes to get to that point. This brings out the Outsiders who want their Tag Team Titles back. Hall wants to fight now but Nash has to go finish his coffee.

Gene looks down at Madusa’s chest as she promises to hurt Spice tonight. This is another of those jokes that are only funny to Russo and Ferrara so we’re getting it on national TV.

Terry Taylor tells Luger that he has a tag match against Diamond Dallas Page/Sting with David Flair as his partner. This was announced earlier in the night, which explains why Luger is so surprised. I wouldn’t watch the show either.

David Flair chases off a delivery man for reasons of general insanity.

Madusa vs. Spice

Madusa quickly takes her down to start and hammers away but Evan comes in to say calm down. Spice is helpless as Madusa wants Evan to slug her, but Evan won’t do it. Madusa gets in a cheap shot and covers Madusa (with two limbs in the ropes) for the pin. Your #1 contender everyone.

Post match Madusa kisses Evan and suplexes him.

Hennig is ready for Bagwell tonight. Those two are fighting again? Rhonda Singh comes in and Russo makes fat jokes. He won’t talk to her unless she has an agent.

Revolution recap.

Jim Duggan comes out to say he has three mystery partners on Sunday. He survived surgery to fight for this country and spend time with his wife and children. The lights go out and come back on to reveal Duggan out cold.

Roddy Piper is going to referee Bagwell vs. Hennig. Russo tells him to do the right thing.

Curt Hennig vs. Buff Bagwell

Roddy Piper is guest referee and makes it a No DQ match just because. Buff throws Hennig down a few times and poses before planting Curt with a slam. This leads to Hennig arguing with Piper for some reason, allowing Buff to grab a rollup for two. Buzzkill is in the crowd and wants to save baby seals. Again I ask, why is this supposed to be funny?

Curt comes back with right hands and chops, followed by the namesake neck snap. Piper counts slowly to start another argument. He begs Curt to slap him but the distraction lets Buff fight back with a swinging neckbreaker. Buff’s splash hits knees, but Piper and Hennig get in a fight, allowing Buff to grab a rollup for the pin with a very fast count.

Rating: D. What is this storyline? Russo and Piper hate each other because Piper has to be on TV (because he was big in the 80s you see) and now Piper is on TV as a referee but he’s being told to do the right thing, which sounds like Russo speak for let his guys win, but I think Piper is rebelling against him? Oh and Piper seems to be schizophrenic because he keeps talking to the voices in his head.

An unhappy Creative Control is on stage.

Luger goes in to see David Flair and is scared by what he sees in the locker room.

Chris Benoit vs. Jeff Jarrett

Bunkhouse match, meaning a come as you are street fight. Jeff brings a cowbell, a guitar and a bar stool so Benoit comes out with a ladder. The brawl starts in the aisle with Jeff getting the better of it and getting the cowbell because cowboys are awesome. They’re like boys, but with cows. Benoit comes back by choking with the bullrope and taking Jeff inside for two off a backbreaker. It’s ladder time but Jeff baseball slides it into Benoit’s face.

A whip into the ladder has Benoit in even more trouble but he throws Jeff into it as well to make things even. Benoit pulls him off the ladder but Jeff pulls him down with the rope. Cue Dustin Rhodes but Charles Robinson breaks up Shattered Dreams. There’s a guitar to Dustin, at the exact same time he kicks Jeff low. Benoit goes up top but Dustin is shoved into the ladder to send Benoit down in a crash to give Jarrett the pin.

Rating: D+. There were some decent spots here but the ending was, of course, a mess. I don’t know why Dustin Rhodes is here as the man in black, especially when he’s fighting because they’ve moved on from the idea of Dustin fighting because the Powers That Be fired Dusty. Instead it’s just Dustin Rhodes being Dustin Rhodes which isn’t interesting.

Luger doesn’t have much to say about the tag match but David Flair has a headless teddy bear.

A sports car arrives.

Piper goes into Russo’s office with a ball bat but Hennig nails him with a chair. So Curt is La Parka?

Meng vs. Tank Abbott

Oh sweet merciful goodness. This is a hardcore match because would you want to see them try to wrestle? They slug it out to start as this is designed to look like a shoot. Abbott takes him to the mat and they fight to the floor for a quick double countout. This is the guy Russo wanted to put the World Title on a month later?

Kanyon was in the car and seems to now be a pimp.

Police stop Piper from going after the Powers That Be.

Meng and Abbott are still fighting in the back.

Revolution vs. Harlem Heat/Midnight

Before the match we get the usual “we hate America” jazz. Dean: “We’ve got heat tonight.” Saturn: “Yeah listen to these people.” Dean: “No. Harlem Heat.” I’m not sure how to feel about that exchange. The lights go out for Midnight and come back with Saturn going after Malenko, presumably out of confusion. Booker takes Dean down to start and it’s already Spinarooni time. Off to Stevie for a slam but Booker tags himself back in.

That’s not cool with Stevie as he wanted Midnight to get the tag for reasons not entirely clear. The Revolution quickly takes over with Saturn stomping away in the corner and tagging in Dean, who walks right into the Bookend. Stevie gets the tag but Booker tags himself back in after just a few seconds. Saturn hits Asya by mistake as Stevie tags himself back in to fight Dean and Saturn at the same time. Everything breaks down and Midnight injures her knee on a leapfrog. Booker checks on the knee, leaving Stevie to get rolled up for the pin.

Rating: D+. This was an angle instead of a match but I’m glad we’re starting the latest Harlem Heat split. There’s nothing left for the two of them to do together and it means we might get to the long overdue Booker push. The match was nothing special but at least we got more man vs. woman.

Stevie yells at his brother.

Luger says Liz won’t be there with David tonight because Liz works for him alone. So we have female property.

Rhonda Singh asks Kanyon’s agent (J. Biggs, Clarence Mason from the WWF) to represent her. It turns out she can sing and dance. The agent isn’t interested, but Chavo comes up to sell Singh dancing gear. I don’t see this ending well.

Paul Orndorff is here and summoned to see the Powers That Be.

The Nitro Girls dance when Rhonda joins them in glittery attire. She’s horrible of course and shrugs off an attack by the Girls. So in the span of ten minutes, we have man vs. woman, Liz as Luger’s property and now this. How long until Russo gets fired?

Finlay is still training Knobbs on how to be hardcore.

Norman Smiley and Jerry Flynn fight in the boiler room. That goes nowhere until Meng and Abbott wander in. Norman and Meng get out while Abbott and Flynn fight.

Orndorff is in the office, where Russo fires him for training Midnight. Paul yells, so he’s put in a match with Creative Control.

Sid has a kid named Seth who he calls his coach. Seth says Sid is his favorite wrestler in the world. I think the kid has Downs Syndrome. If he does, I have no issue with this segment whatsoever.

Steve Williams vs. Sid Vicious

Oh man. Imagine this one in 1989 with JR on commentary. Instead it’s 1999 with Oklahoma. Before the match, Oklahoma says the Powers That Be have made this a suplex vs. powerbomb match, which I assume means the first person to hit that finisher wins. Dr. Death jumps Sid as he’s sitting the kid down at ringside because he’s really evil. Back in and Williams hammers away as Oklahoma lists off the resume. Sid blocks some suplexes and hammers away but Oklahoma slips his boot to Williams. He knocks Sid out but Vampiro appears to chase Oklahoma, allowing Sid to powerbomb Williams for the win.

Post match the Outsiders run in and lay out Sid to make sure the kid doesn’t get to smile any longer than he should. Sure the kid has a horrible disease, but is that any reason for the Outsiders to not look good?

Post break, Sid is looked at by a doctor and the Outsiders think it’s funny.

David Flair/Total Package vs. Diamond Dallas Page/Sting

Did Page turn face again and I missed it? I know he’s been going after David but heel vs. heel is hardly unheard of under Russo. David has the headless bear with him but takes a Stinger Splash in the first 45 seconds. Sting tags Page in with a right hand to start a fight between the two of them. Now it’s Page taking a splash but Luger sneaks in with a running clothesline to Sting, followed by some crowbar shots. Liz sneaks in to take the crowbar away before laying over Sting to stop some chair shots. David hits Luger with the crowbar so Liz puts Sting over Luger for the pin (from the referee who saw ALL OF THIS). What a mess.

Singh comes up to Champagne Kanyon and the agent in the back and asks if they liked her dance. This goes nowhere so Bam Bam Bigelow comes up and gets in Kanyon’s face. The agent offers a distraction so Kanyon can beat him down. Kanyon: “Triad that!”

After a break, Bigelow comes to the ring and demands Kanyon come out here for a match.

Kanyon vs. Bam Bam Bigelow

Before the match, Biggs wants to talk about legal ramifications and gets shoved to the side so Bigelow can punch Kanyon in the face. Some biting and stomps to the head have Kanyon in even more trouble but he comes back with a swinging neckbreaker. A suplex sets up a World’s Strongest Slam to Kanyon and there’s the top rope headbutt a bit low. Kanyon is up and fine ten seconds later with the Flatliner (now called That’s A Wrap) connecting for a clean pin.

Rating: D. Did…..did that match just end clean? Did I just see a match without any interference or cheating? You always hear about these things but you never expect to actually see them happen. It was boring stuff though and the ending came out of nowhere with Kanyon just popping up and hitting his finisher for the pin.

Norman hides from Meng.

The Mamalukes have a body bag for Lash.

Piper babbles about his chair match later.

Lash Leroux vs. Big Vito

This is a body bag match, which I’m assuming is like a casket match. Lash sucks up to his hometown to start. Vito pounds away to start and nails a superkick for two. Back up and Lash nails a backdrop followed by an elbow to the jaw to send Vito into the corner. A side slam and legdrop get two more, followed by a Disco Inferno style middle rope elbow drop. Disco and Johnny fight on the floor as Lash nails the Whiplash. He puts Vito mostly in the bag which is enough for the win, even though you can see Vito’s head and shoulders.

Rating: D+. Was there any point to this being a body bag match? I certainly don’t think so, but I’m just a wrestling fan and therefore don’t understand such nuances. Nothing match here as the tag match is still set up, even though it’s not likely going to be anything special to see. At least this story has gotten some consistent TV time though and I can see what they’re going for.

Post match the Mamalukes destroy Lash and put him in the bag, eventually taking him out to their car.

Paul Orndorff vs. Creative Control

So yeah, Orndorff is back and in a match. I’ll set the over/under on run-ins here at 5.5. Paul kicks Patrick in the knee to start and puts him down with a knee lift. Gerald gets suplexed for trying to come in and an elbow drop gets two. Orndorff chokes him with a rope but Patrick makes the save to start the obvious beatdown. Cue Anderson (you remember him Paul. He’s the guy that broke your neck and ended your career) and Zbyszko to help beat up the twins, allowing Orndorff to piledrive Patrick for the pin.

Rating: D-. I’ve never been the biggest Paul Orndorff fan (I don’t dislike him but I never got the massive appeal) but you just had him hold his own and beat last week’s Tag Team Champions. Yeah he had help, but the Harris Brothers should have a lot less trouble beating up two guys who retired due to neck issues and a commentator who has wrestled like four times in three years.

Slick Johnson reverses the decision and names Creative Control the winners by DQ. Good for them I suppose.

The Mamalukes open the body bag and find….Norman Smiley. Their reactions are actually funny.

Curt Hennig vs. Roddy Piper

Chairs match and another pairing that would have rocked in 1989. Piper apparently has a torn bicep so Hennig goes right after the arm. Roddy comes back with some chair shots and Hennig leaves after about 70 seconds. I see zero point to this match existing.

Bret Hart has been attacked and Goldberg checks on him.

Tag Team Titles: Bret Hart/Goldberg vs. Outsiders

Hall and Nash are challenging. Goldberg comes out to fight alone and does just fine to start with the superkick dropping Nash and a right hand sending Hall to the floor with him. Back in and Hall officially starts for the team with a wristlock but gets put down with the AA’s second cousin. A pumphandle slam sends Hall running to the corner and it’s off to Nash. Kevin tries his luck by running the ropes but walks into a powerslam for two.

The numbers game starts catching up with Goldberg though and Hall’s cheap shot lets Nash take over. The running crotch attack to the back gets two on Goldberg and Hall plants him with a chokeslam. Hart limps down and slugs away for the save. Nash gets caught in the Sharpshooter but Hall makes the save. Everything breaks down with Hall getting kicked down, right before Nash brings in the title belt. Bret punches him down but his knee goes out, despite Nash not touching him, allowing Nash to get the pin and the titles, just before Goldberg Jackhammers Hall.

Rating: D. Angle instead of a match here, but thank goodness they managed to get the World Champion pinned six days before Starrcade and give Hall a second (or third if you consider the TV Title still around) title. This is the problem with having the World Title match participants as champions, but giving it to them for four days made it even dumber.

Trash fills the ring to end the show.

Overall Rating: F+. Well let’s see: #1 contender for the Cruiserweight Title loses to a non-wrestler, Sid gets beaten down again, the World Champion gets pinned, Jeff Jarrett still isn’t interesting and Hennig and Piper set up and blew off an angle in one night with a match barely breaking a minute. Somehow, this is their go home show (Thunder hasn’t meant anything in ages) for the biggest show of the year. Russo booking Starrcade scares the heck out of me and this didn’t do anything to make it better.

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