King of the Ring 1994
Date: June 19, 1994
Location: Baltimore Arena, Baltimore, Maryland
Attendance: 12,000
Commentators: Gorilla Monsoon, Randy Savage, Art Donovan

This is a very interesting time in the company’s history. The main thing is that Vince McMahon is either on the stand against the federal government or is about to or has just gotten off the stand. What that means is that the writers more or less booked this show on their own and Vince had next to zero input on it. That’s simply not something that happens ever. This show kind of was thrown together because everyone wanted to keep their boss out of jail.

There just happened to be a PPV to book at the same time. Also, the winner here, almost like last year, is about as obvious as possible, but since that didn’t stop us last year why should it stop us this year? For absolutely no apparent reason, the final match tonight is Piper vs. Lawler, despite there being IC Champion vs. World Champion with Bret vs. Diesel for the belt, but that’s a more or less forgotten match with zero build so let’s get to the show and see why it happened.

For those of you that have never heard of him, Art Donovan is a Hall of Fame football player that would have been about 70 at this point. In a reference that maybe 4 of you will get, if you ever watched the Adventured of Pete and Pete, he’s the old football player that was the focus of an episode about aliens. He is pushing 70 here and there is absolutely zero point to him being out there. He’s terrible in ways I’ll get to later on.

After the generic intro, we’re ready to go. How hard is it to put a little thought into one of those? It’s not exactly rocket science, but come on now people. This is getting old indeed.

Before we start, here are the brackets for this year.

Razor Ramon
Bam Bam Bigelow

I.R.S.
Mabel

Owen Hart
Tatanka

1-2-3 Kid
Jeff Jarrett

Not the best field in the world to say the least.

First Round: Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Razor Ramon

Razor beat Kwang (Savio Vega) and Bigelow beat Thurman Plugg (Bob Holly. Don’t ask). Luna is actually curvy here. That’s just odd. Gorilla calls Razor the Macho Man which just makes my head hurt. Gorilla and Macho just don’t seem like the best combination for some reason. First round has a 15 minute time limit, 2nd 30 and finals are an hour. Luna distracting Razor with her very shapely figure lets Bigelow have the advantage.

Nothing wrong with having your woman give you an advantage. To you feminists that don’t like that term, she was introduced as his main squeeze. Savage offers to let Donovan hold his hand. Well ok then. Razor gets the reverse crotch on the post which is something new at the time. Donovan is just too old here, plain and simple. Savage asks if Luna will like Bam Bam still.

Gorilla asks what does that mean. Savage is just funny in his response of he’ll explain later. I will never get tired of seeing Bigelow throw that enziguri. It missed but whatever, it still looked awesome. If Luna wasn’t so freaky looking she’d be hot. We get a reference to Cal Ripken going after Gehrig’s record to date the show. They mention the KOTR being a launching pad like it was for Bret, who went on to be the world champion.

So, the fact that he was a former champion and automatically qualified because he was a former world champion had nothing to do with his future success? It was all the tournament? Is that what I’m being told? Bigelow hooks a torture rack of all things. I wonder what Luger was thinking at this point as his finisher is used by someone that likely never used it again. Not only that but he’s just standing there.

Luger bounced them up and down which if nothing else made it look a lot more painful as the person’s body was bent around Luger’s neck. Bigelow is just holding him up there and it looks really stupid. Donovan is more coherent now but he just sounds confused. “I thought he was dead! What happens now?” See what I mean? He just sounds like a confused old man, which isn’t honoring him or anything like that.

It’s just making him look stupid. Razor is WAY over. He hits a relatively easy slam which is impressive. Savage says that if Razor can hit the Edge on Bigelow that Savage will give him the Trophy of Life. That sounds like a reject from a Disney movie. Anyway, Razor counters a moonsault into more or less a rollup from the top for the pin.

Rating: C+. Run of the mill stuff here. Bigelow played a basic big strong power guy that tried to do something big and got caught. It’s a very simple formula and it worked pretty well. Razor winning was a given but they at least came up with an ending other than the Edge so points for that and Luna’s shape.

IRS and Mabel cut really bad promos about their match. IRS bumbled over his line or forgot what he was going to say or just isn’t that good as he just sounded idiotic here. Somehow, he’s better than Mabel though.

First Round: IRS vs. Mabel

Donovan wonders if IRS is one of the wrestlers. This is depressing. If nothing else, Rotunda had this gimmick down to the absolute T. Is Oscar like the grandfather of R-Truth or something? Oh blast it my video skips back a bit and I have to watch the intro twice. Gorilla shouts HO which just isn’t right at all as my childhood innocence (yes I still have some) is scarred forever.

Donovan asks for Mabel’s name. 14 seconds later he gets an answer. Oh, Mabel beat Pierre and IRS beat Scott Steiner. Wow that’s just odd indeed. Donovan says this match isn’t fair. Seriously, who thought this was a good idea? He actually gets a somewhat decent line in by saying he thought the guy in the white suit (Oscar) was there to take IRS to the hospital. Eh ok I guess that’s not bad.

He follows that up with this gem: “And you guys enjoy doing this?” He’s referring to being in the ring, but that’s never specified and it sounds like he’s saying he’s miserable doing the announcing. Again, there’s no mention of Savage having tournament experience for no apparent reason. He won the biggest tournament of all time so wouldn’t it make sense to point that out for younger viewers who aren’t sure who Savage is?

IRS goes for a slam and Mabel counters it with a small package. Yes, that’s what happened and I’m not on any medication or foreign substances other than some grape juice. Mabel starts to dominate, but he goes to the middle rope and misses an elbow. IRS grabs his leg without actually hooking it and while Mabel rolls around on the mat with his arms going up into the air, he gets the three anyway. This was just out there.

Rating: D. This was pretty bad. For one thing, IRS’ finisher is a clothesline. Mabel somehow wasn’t at his worst here as he could still move a bit, but the styles just completely contrasted here and it bombed badly. The ending sucked too as it just didn’t look right at all. It needed to be about a minute long but it was five and a half times that long so there we are.

First Round: Tatanka vs. Owen Hart

They beat Crush and Doink respectively. DANG Tatanka got a POP. Owen is the Rocket still here as Donovan wants to know what they weigh for some reason. Tatanka dominates to start using his incredibly generic offensive set. The crowd is hot if nothing else which is the only thing keeping me awake in this incredibly boring show. DAng it now three things are happening at once.

Tatanka is thrown into the post and Donovan is worried about the post of course. At the same time, we go to a split screen of IRS and Razor fighting in the back. At least they didn’t go to a solo shot of that. I would be able to give you a better description of that altercation if I wasn’t laughing at what Savage said: “I don’t know what it is but the wrestlers are stronger and faster lately.”

Remember: Vince McMahon, the owner of the company, the guy that gave Savage the chance to get over on a national level and the undisputed king of professional wrestling is on the stand against the federal government for STEROID charges. The irony of that line just made me crack up as it was so great.

We hit the sleeper and it occurs to me that despite the hold being considered one of the best moves ever to put someone out, only like 3 people that I can think of off the top of my head have ever won with it. That’s not a great track record. After not saying anything for a few minutes, Gorilla shouts out that WE ARE LIVE! Here’s Tatanka’s comeback and for some reason the crowd is still into this.

In something that amazes me, Tatanka actually uses a different move with a DDT, which wasn’t that great but I’ve seen worse. Oh and I almost forgot: this is the beginning of the New Generation which lasted all of a year or two with them constantly reminding us that this is the NEW generation despite it being the same guys we had seen for years now.

Anyway, Owen wins with a reversed sunset flip as all of a sudden Tatanka, after not being able to be beaten for two and a half years now can be beaten with a simple counter. I love the power of pushes.

Rating: D+. This was just average. It felt like a match you would see on Superstars or in the middle of Raw or at a house show. There was nothing at all special about it whatsoever and I just flat out didn’t care. It wasn’t interesting at all and it just needed to end. It wasn’t bad, but I just couldn’t have cared less.

Shawn and Diesel think Bret isn’t so great.

First Round: Jeff Jarrett vs. 1-2-3 Kid

Jarrett is the country singer here, having not been in the company only a few months here. He beat Luger of all people here. Donovan thinks he’s an Islander of all things. Are you starting to see what I’m working with here? Kid beat Adam Bomb to get here. The announcers are ignoring Donovan which is easily the smart thing to do. He doesn’t even know who the faces and heels are.

Jarrett is wearing an orange jumpsuit kind of thing that he would wear and black boots. It just doesn’t look right. Jarrett goes WAY old school and busts out the Slingshot Suplex. Naturally Kid is being destroyed here which is what always happens for the majority of his matches. Gorilla says that Jarrett has a powerhouse upper body. Randy Savage is somehow the most sensible man on commentary tonight..

He tries in vain to teach Donovan some very basic stuff. He responds by saying Jarrett is cute. What was the point of this again? Kid steals a win with a small package, which gets him three piledrivers for no apparent reason. What does the term beside yourself mean anyway? How can you be beside yourself? Wouldn’t that mean you were cloned or something like that? Kid is DEAD. He looks bad enough to be a member of the Clique. You know all of a sudden things make a lot more sense.

Rating: C-. This was kind of all over the place. Jarrett was nothing at this point and the Kid was an underdog that no one believed in, making the dynamics of this match just odd. The styles here just didn’t mesh at all and it came off as odd with an abrupt finish. It wasn’t particularly bad, but it just felt weird if that makes sense.

Bret wants Diesel and isn’t afraid of the Jackknife. He says there’s a family member to balance out Shawn but won’t say who.

WWF Title: Bret Hart vs. Diesel

Story: Diesel is IC Champion, big, strong, and therefore should get a title shot. That’s all there is to it so here we go. Donovan says it would be scary to line up with on a football line against Diesel. Earlier tonight I was watching The Longest Yard where Nash was a football player in an ironic bit. Anyway the family member is Neidhart which is a nice little surprise.

Why is Anvil so fondly remembered? He wasn’t particularly a great wrestler. To be fair he wasn’t anything bad at all, but he was a rather generic power guy. I guess it’s because he did what he did very well. He never really was bad at all and put on some very good tag matches. Diesel is IC Champion here. They mention that Anvil played for the Raiders and Donovan comes to life all of a sudden. The guy loves football if nothing else.

This really was an epic rivalry with these two as they had some very good matches over the years. This more or less is the same match they would always do but neither was at that level yet. It’s still entertaining enough despite having some flaws. Diesel uses standard power moves while Bret takes a great beating and goes for the legs when he can.

Why mess with stuff that works really well? After about 20 minutes of pretty good back and forth stuff including about 3 near Sharpshooters and Anvil being an idiot in general, Neidhart gets nailed by Diesel while Shawn hits Bret with a belt. Diesel is setting for the powerbomb but Anvil runs in for the rather cheap DQ.

If nothing else it’s smart to have Diesel hit him to save some of Bret’s face. Neidhart is MAD and leaves while the heels beat up Bret. A bunch of suits come down to clear the ring as we get the pinfall or submission announcement for a BIG pop. Bret was insanely over.

Rating: B. Like I said this was standard stuff for them but it still worked really well. Bret could wrestle giants at a level that was only trumped by Sting for guys his size. This was a very good match and by far and away the best match of the night featuring a seven foot guy named after a sixteen wheel truck and a guy from Calgary named after a 19th century western writer. This was fine for what it was, but dang why was this in the middle of the card? I simply don’t get that.

Semi Finals: Razor Ramon vs. I.R.S.

IRS’ gimmick was great, but DANG he was bad on the mic. The bell rings and Razor jumps IRS, with Gorilla saying they’re not waiting for any kind of bell. That sums up the night as a whole: no one cares at all. The announcers try to bring up their complete failure of a feud around the new year which didn’t work at all as no one bought IRS as a legit challenger, so they put it on PPV anyway.

Hey, did you know that Bret won the tournament last year and is now world champion? I didn’t know if any of the first 20 references to it got through or not. You can tell Savage is getting a bit annoyed with Donovan as I have been all night long. Gorilla says that he can’t believe no one has ever grabbed IRS by the tie, except for EVERY MATCH HE HAS EVER HAD!!!

Donovan calls a clothesline a forearm, which is an understandable error I guess as it can be close at times. IRS goes for a back drop and gets the Edge for the pin. That was pointless.

Rating: D+. Again, this could have been on any house show you went to for about a year and it just wasn’t interesting at all. It wasn’t bad, but man it was boring. I mean that’s the problem with this whole show: nothing at all is of interest. It’s not a bad set of matches, but other than the world title match, nothing at all has been interesting at all. It’s all the same stuff and you can kind of tell that no one cared about this show other than Owen.

Bret is looking for someone, who I think was Neidhart but it’s not clear at all. He has the belt over his shoulder which just looks amusing for no particular reason.

Todd goes over the brackets again, unsure if Kid can go or not.

Semi–Finals:  Owen Hart vs. 1-2-3 Kid

Owen looks almost chipper here. Kid is injured to say the least. I’m not all that into this announcer. He was the guy at Mania 10 and I just didn’t like him that much. Gorilla says Kid was hammered earlier. How appropriate of a line that is. Macho recaps “for those who just tuned in”. Well ok then. Usually what I’ll do is watch a few minutes of a match then pause it or type during downtime like a chinlock or something like that.

This was a four minute match, and I think they weren’t going after each other for about 4 seconds in their longest stretch. This was on FIRE and was more or less a lucha libre style match. I’ve always thought Owen was a bit overrated but this was awesome. Kid was awesome too as I still say he was better against smaller guys. This was awesome with Owen winning with the Sharpshooter. Kid taps, but we don’t know what that means yet so he has to say he gives up which is just odd to see.

Rating: A. This was short but awesome. This style was so far ahead of its time that I don’t think anyone else on the roster, other than MAYBE Shawn could have pulled off something like this. Why in the world do we have to have Piper vs. Lawler take up 12 minutes when we could have more of this?

Piper rambles…a lot.

Tag Titles: Headshrinkers vs. Crush/Yokozuna

Oh this isn’t going to be good is it? Crush is somehow the most athletic guy in there. The Shrinkers are the faces here and the champion as this match has zero context at all and is the epitome of a token title match. Geez we have Cornette, Fuji, Albano and Afa out there as the 80s circle of B-list managers is complete. Before you freak, yes I know Cornette was the top manager in Crockett but it’s my line so get over it.

Anyway, this really isn’t very good at all and I’m a fan of 75% of the wrestlers in this. Yoko actually loses a headbutting contest. That has never happened that I know of. Naturally there are a ton of botches in here as anyone would expect from these guys. This match, much like this show, is just dragging on and on. The heels take over like everyone expected them to.

They’re using the Colossal Connection formula where Crush is playing Haku and doing most of the work. Yoko isn’t up to the size of Andre yet but he’s getting there. Surprisingly there’s limited interference from a ton of one time heel managers out there.

Anyway, Crush beats up on Samu and hits a legdrop because Hogan is gone and everyone can use that move again since it’s a rather generic move to use. But heeeeeere’s Luger doing the only thing he knows how to do as he’s being annoying again. After a missed rollup, Fatu comes in and gets the rollup correctly for the pin. Weird ending.

Rating: C-. Like I said, this was a token title match. It wasn’t that bad but a lot of this grade is because I like most of the people in there. Ok correction I like one team but not the people on it (screw you Rikishi. Like we were going to buy you as top heel). The styles completely clashed here and while it was an ok match, it wasn’t ever going to be anything great, just like everything else on this show.

KOTR Finals: Owen Hart vs. Razor Ramon

Like I said, the finals were about as predictable as you ever could imagine. Only the Harts can manage to make pink look cool. I think Razor has worn different color tights in every match which someone always does. Ok, right there, Razor shows that he’s at least somewhat intelligent as he does something very smart. Owen goes for a crossbody and Razor was supposed to catch him for the fallaway slam that he does.

They botch it as Owen either doesn’t get high enough or Razor couldn’t get him up enough, but one way or another they messed it up. So what does Razor do? Does he complete the spot anyway but make it look like crap? Nope, instead he sets Owen down and does a regular slam. See, that right there is what you call intelligence and being on your game in a match. See, if they had done the spot anyway, it would have looked bad.

Instead we get a much more basic, yet still completely believable and FAR better executed spot that worked just as well. Razor was smart there and it made things look much better. That’s a great sign. In kind of a tell tale sign, we can see the announcers and Gorilla and Savage are looking down at the monitors as most commentators do while Donovan is looking at the ring.

If nothing else he’s trying. I can’t fault Donovan for not trying. He’s done what he could all night, but it just isn’t working. He’s simply too old and confused here without having enough on camera presence to pull this off. I will say this though: he doesn’t sound bored or miserable about being there, which makes up for a lot. I’ve said this many times: if you don’t want to be there, leave.

The best example of a guy that clearly wanted to be there and was having a lot of fun doing this is Ray Combs from Survivor Series 93. He was a horrible announcer with some of his jokes and misunderstanding of the rules, but dang he was having a blast out there and he didn’t get in the way of the match at all. That’s how you do guest commentary. He added stuff where he could and he made the match a bit more fun.

The key though: he was having a good time, or at least made you believe he was. That’s all I ask. Owen puts on an abdominal stretch and two things come to my attention. First of all, he grabs the rope for additional leverage. The thing is, to me it looks like that’s taking pressure off of Razor. Owen is less than a foot from the ropes as he doesn’t even have to extend his arm to get to them, so how much help is that giving him?

Also, in something that actually made me laugh out loud, he hooks the toe around Razor’s leg which is the common criticism from Gorilla. Ok, so for once we have the perfect abdominal stretch. Gorilla should be happy right? I quote, “This is a mistake by Owen because this hold isn’t going to work on a guy like Razor no matter how well you put it on.” It’s official: Monsoon can never be satisfied, period.

He spends nearly 20 years complaining about no one ever hooking the leg around and the first time anyone does, the hold is worthless anyway. That’s just awesome on about a million levels. After Razor makes his comeback, Jim Neidhart makes his second run in of the night and beats up Razor. A top rope elbow from Owen gives him the win. A Hart Attack follows and Owen is crowned King. He names himself the King of Harts which was his nickname for a very long time.

Rating: C+. Eh, this was ok I guess. Both guys were a bit tired, but the biggest problem was that I don’t think anyone believed that Razor was going to win this. It was always going to be Owen and that was clear for weeks leading into this. The match was ok enough but it still wasn’t great. For a final though with a given ending, this was ok. Both guys were fairly sharp in the ring, so I’ll let this one get by. It wasn’t great, but I’ve seen far worse matches.

We recap the Piper vs. Lawler feud, which was over who had the better interview segment and turned into one liners against each other as Lawler implies that Piper is gay. This just wasn’t that interesting at all as Piper was just an old guy here, which is odd as he was only about two and a half years removed or so from his best in ring work ever.

Oh and there’s some tiny kid that is imitating Piper who plays a big role in this for absolutely no apparent reason. Ok, apparently recap means showing the entire Lawler interview with random Piper comments thrown in with it.

Roddy Piper vs. Jerry Lawler

Yes, this is somehow the main event of a show with a tournament and a world title match on it. Also, they talk about the New Generation as Lawler walks down the aisle. So we have two mostly retired guys representing the new generation. Yeah that makes a ton of sense. Donovan inadvertently points out the biggest flaw in the tournament: Lawler has always been king so it’s very confusing.

He calls himself the undisputed king of the company, despite Owen being crowned about 3 minutes ago. See the problem now? There’s also something about a children’s hospital in Canada as we’ve apparently shifted from King of the Ring to a bad TV movie of the week. Of course Piper has a full team of bagpipe players and drummers. For zero apparent reason, Piper is now best friends with the guy that made fun of him on Raw.

That makes less than zero sense. Apparently Lawler is to blame for the kid putting on the Piper outfit, doing an impression of Roddy, and bowing to King and kissing his feet. Why are we having this match again? That makes no sense at all but we’ll go with it anyway. Oh look Piper wants to talk. He uses the bubblegum line to a HUGE pop. The kid makes some bad jokes too for no apparent reason.

So, from the time Lawler came through the curtain, it took 8 minutes to start the actual match. Gorilla says it’s vintage Piper, and in this case it actually is as he doesn’t actually wrestle but fights. The kid has a crown on. Just take me now. Piper throws some punches to mix it up a little. Donovan thinks Piper doesn’t like Lawler. At least this is almost over. The kid keeps interfering and even Piper gets annoyed with him.

Lawler hasn’t gotten a single move in yet and we’re about 4 minutes in. Roddy has short and almost blonde hair at this point and it’s just not right looking. Lawler goes after the kid and gets beaten on. That’s the story way too many times in this. Make that 6 minutes with nothing from Jerry. Hey there’s a punch, and once he gets Piper dazed a bit, he goes after the kid again. This show just needs to end now. I mean right now. Walk out of the ring and the show will be better instantly.

Apparently by being evil, Lawler is showing his true colors. If that’s the case he’s the biggest patriot I’ve ever seen because he never has a problem showing them. We’re in the corner now with the kid next to the buckle and Piper on his for protection while Lawler kicks Piper. I hate this match. There’s no commentary for a bit either as they have nothing to say or Donovan has wandered off again.

Piper “defends” him by shoving him out of the ring head first. 96% of this match has been punches. I mean they’re not even throwing in any kicks or something like that to vary it up a bit. Why are these two main eventing this show? Can ANYONE explain that to me? Apparently Lawler has patented the sleeper. Does ANYONE ever remember him using that? I know Piper used it, but Lawler?

I think Roddy agreed to give money or part of it or something that he wins here to the hospital. You know, instead of just giving it to them anyway from his own pocket. Lawler hits the only high impact move he knows and Roddy gets up. Piper says bring it on, so Lawler punches him down. That’s just amusing. This is just a bad match and it’s not showing any sign of ending.

Piper hits two bulldogs because the first wasn’t enough I suppose. He sets for a third and the referee goes down. Lawler hits him with the legendary foreign object and Piper is out. To continue the idiocy of this match, Lawler puts his feet on the ropes. That’s not that dumb of course as it’s a standard heel move that made Flair more hated than it was thought humanly possible to be.

No, the stupid part is Piper kicking his feet up into the air while not moving Lawler at all. Hey Roddy: IT MIGHT HELP IF YOU MOVED YOUR ARMS TOO! Seriously he’s just kicking them into the air. You would think he’s having a seizure or something. Anyway the kid shoves Lawler’s feet off the ropes because we just haven’t had enough fun tonight.

Piper botches a belly to back suplex and then botches a cover (Yes, he managed to botch a cover) for the pin to end this as apparently it’s a big deal that it’s Father’s Day. Ok then. Piper celebrates with the kid to end this.

Rating: F. WHAT IN THE HECK WAS THE POINT OF THIS??? It’s the second longest match of the night and it was AWFUL. Literally, 95%+ of that match was just punching. It wasn’t interesting, there was ZERO reason for this to end the show, and that kid was a freaking pest.

Why wasn’t the WWF Title match the main event? It couldn’t have been to send the fans home happy. They were asleep for the most part. Hart won so it’s not like they would have been sad. I’m at a loss for words on this and that’s not something that happens often. I seriously have no clue what they were thinking here.

Overall Rating: D. This whole show was just boring. I haven’t been this bored since those marathon early Summerslams with squash after squash. You can tell there is zero effort or thought into the majority of this show. Seriously, Piper vs. Lawler to close? I don’t get that at all. There were some ok matches here, but man alive they were random.

I mean the Kid and Owen match was gold but it was three and a half minutes long and came from beyond left field. A lot of this stuff just wasn’t going to work no matter what happened. The main problem was there was no drama. Bret wasn’t going to lose just two months after Mania, the Headshrinkers weren’t going to lose, and Owen was a lock to win.

Also, Donovan hurts this a lot. He tried so hard, but it was about as out of place and distracting as you could imagine. I have no idea what the point was there but it failed miserably. Take a pass on this one as it’s boring and more or less other than Owen getting a new nickname, nothing at all of note happens here.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews

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Date: January 24, 1998
Location: Hara Arena, Dayton, Ohio
Attendance: 5,486
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan, Dusty Rhodes

 

More back to back reviews so I can have a full series done, in this case Souled Out as I’ll be doing this and 2000 back to back to get these off my list. Anyway this show never was much as far as importance goes and the card makes that pretty clear. There’s a double main event of a grudge match with Luger vs. Savage (which I’ll get to later about why you could tell this company was in trouble) and Hart vs. Flair in Bret’s first big WCW match. Let’s get to it.

 

This is on a Saturday if that means anything to you.

 

We open with a video about Nash vs. Giant which is actually happening tonight as Nash had bailed on the match at Starrcade. Both had to put up 1.5 million dollars bond to guarantee various things that don’t matter. The video is about Bischoff collecting souls or something. Whatever.

 

The announcers run down the card while the fans chant for the Weasel. We’re going to get an announcement about the world title that is vacant because WCW was incredibly stupid and managed to screw up the unscrewupable.

 

Juventud Guerrera/Super Calo/Lizmark Jr/Chavo Guerrero vs. La Parka/Silver King/Psicosis/El Dandy

 

I’m not sure who the favorites are here but I’d never be one to doubt El Dandy. This is under Lucha Libre rules which means if you hit the floor that’s as good as a tag. Calo vs. Psicosis to start us off. Calo gets an armdrag to send Psicosis to the floor but he comes back in. No substitution which is kind of odd but whatever. Psicosis chops away and drops an elbow on the back to take over.

 

Powerslam by Calo and a tilt-a-whirl slam and it’s off to Silver King vs. Lizmark. This is one of those matches where it’s nearly impossible to keep up with what’s going on and that more or less isn’t the point at all. Silver King gets a tornado DDT but it’s off to Chavo vs. El Dandy. Big monkey flip to Dandy and they’re out rather quickly.

 

Off to La Parka vs. Juvy now. They’re moving in very quickly out there. They fight on the apron with La Parka falling on his face in a funny spot. Back in the ring and Guerrera gets a kick to the face and a SWEET top rope rana puts Parka on the floor. Off to Lizmark who gets a moonsault to take Juvy down. Off to Psicosis who gets rolled up. Dandy is in and gets La Magistrol for two.

 

Calo comes in to face Silver King but the whole thing breaks down. Tenay says he more or less has no idea what’s going on. Juvy botches the heck out of a rana on Silver King but Juvy escapes and mostly hits a 450 for two. Parka gets a powerbomb on Guerrera for two. Falcon Arrow to Chavo sets up the guillotine legdrop by Psicosis. Some people are thrown to the floor so it’s Silver King vs. Super Calo.

 

LET THE DIVING BEGIN as everyone goes after everyone and there is no point at all to try to call this. The only ones left in the ring are Chavo and Psicosis with Chavo in control. Psicosis misses a charge and Chavo hits the tornado DDT (his finisher) to end this. La Parka kills them all with chairs because he feels like it. He beats up his own partners too and does his chair dance to a big reaction.

 

Rating: B. WOW. This is one of the most insanely fast matches you’ll ever see and for an opener, THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT. Was it technically sound or really even sound at all? Not in the slightest, but that’s not the point here. The idea here was to just go insane and have everyone look awesome and that’s what they did. Fun mach.

 

Raven vs. Chris Benoit

 

Raven is listed at 239lbs. That’s much lighter than I would expect. The Flock is with him and the they actually come out from the entrance. There’s no Saturn here as he would start his rebellion. The Flock is barred from ringside apparently. Raven complains about things and doesn’t seem to care. This is Raven’s Rules, as in No DQ.

 

Raven gets a baseball slide to Benoit as he comes in and we head to the floor early. Back in the ring and Benoit grabs a quick backslide for two. This is far more of a brawl than a match but Benoit can easily pull that off so it works well. Back to the floor and Raven grabs a chair. Bulldog onto the unfolded chair gets two as Benoit gets a foot on the ropes. Benoit pulls a Raven with a drop toehold onto the chair for two in a sick looking spot.

 

Benoit chops away and down he goes. Suplex onto the chair gets two. Benoit gets the shirt off of Raven and returns the favor of the baseball slide, sending Raven into the railing. A whip into the steps follows as Raven tries to run away. They go up the aisle and Raven is suplexed to keep Benoit’s advantage. Back in the ring and Benoit puts the chair on Raven’s face. The Swan Dive CRACKS into the chair and both guys are out. FREAKING OW MAN! That looked incredible but DANG it must have hurt.

 

Somehow that only gets two. The crowd is insane here by the way. See what a great opener can get you? Northern Lights is countered by the DDT which is kind of known as Raven’s finisher but not officially. Fans are totally behind Benoit here. Another DDT is countered into the Crossface and Raven….smiles while in it. That boy is not right. He passes out in the hold and we’re done.

 

Rating: B+. This was a war. These are two of the hottest openers I can remember in a very long time. Total beating from both guys here as we got incredibly physical. That swan dive is something else. Raven could have been totally awesome but instead we got more NWO. Anyway, great war here and Benoit looks like a killer.

 

Kidman of the Flock comes out for the beatdown but Malenko comes out for the save for no apparent reason. The whole Flock comes out but Raven is done. Benoit and Malenko look at each other…and that’s about it.

 

Cruiserweight Title: Chris Jericho vs. Rey Mysterio

 

Rey is champion here and Jericho is a heel. We keep hearing about how big of a heart he has. Shouldn’t he see a cardiologist already? Rey has a legit bad knee here (shocking I know) and is going away after this match (not announced of course) so I think you know the ending here. Jericho tries to be a bully and gets slapped instead. Jericho runs him over with a shoulder. When do you see Jericho with a size and power advantage?

 

Rey gets a nice headscissors to send Jericho to the floor. He uses what would evolve into the 619 but his knee goes out in mid move. Rey locks on a chinlock which is countered for a bit but that counter is countered into a victory roll by Rey for two. Rey wants a rana to the floor but with Jericho on the apron he catches Rey and drops him throat first on the top rope while jumping to the floor. Cool counter.

 

Jericho gets a butterfly backbreaker and sets up the steps before heading back into the ring. Rey fights back and gets what was kind of a jumping Killswitch to take Jericho down. Baseball slide to Jericho’s leg takes Jericho to the floor. Running tope con hilo into a seated senton puts Jericho down again but the knee is gone.

 

Rey manages to get a flapjack to Jericho to send him into the steps. West Coast Pop is broken up and the knee is wrenched all over again. Jericho goes up and Rey tries the rana which is countered into the Walls (Liontamer at the time but you get the idea). Finish was out of NOWHERE which makes me think the knee was completely destroyed. Rey would be gone until July so that knee was really messed up.

 

Rating: B-. A lot of that is for the knee. Rey was legitimately trying out there but there comes a point where the injury is too much to deal with. They did everything they could out there but with the knee falling apart mid match there’s only so much you can do. Rey’s knees would never really work again for the most part.

 

Jericho gloats post match and beats up Mysterio with the knee brace. Cody Rhodes is smiling somewhere. He slams an anvil case into the knee which goes into the steps.

 

JJ Dillon and Gene are in the ring. Dillon has the vacant world title and it’s time for an announcement about it. Ok so in case you don’t know what happened, Sting had been the Crow that didn’t talk forever and Hogan had been champion more or less for 16 months. Sting finally got his shot at Hogan at Starrcade in what should have been a massacre of Hogan with Sting dominating him to win the title.

 

However since this is WCW, they screwed it up. Hogan more or less beat Sting up and the fans simply did not accept this. The whole thing was rejected and the audience steadily began to head over to WWF. The problem was simple: WCW had built this up for over a year and the fans wanted to see something.

 

I’ve heard the excuse of Sting was high or something when they got there, but if he can at least perform at all, Hogan should not have had a chance. Hogan danced around out there and Sting looked like a fool. I still stand by my statement that this was the bullet that took WCW down. Read the Starrcade 97 review for the full details.

 

So anyway, the title was held up at the first Thunder and there’s a rematch. Unfortunately it’s not tonight as that would be giving too much credit to the fans I guess, so if you REALLY want to see Hogan vs. Sting, BUY SUPERBRAWL!!!! Oh wait I’m getting ahead of myself. Dillon brings out Roddy Piper who was interim commissioner and was consulted on this. He hasn’t been seen since the terrible main event of Halloween Havoc.

 

Ah apparently he made Hogan vs. Piper in the first place. He talks about everyone involved including Scott Hall who won World War 3 and is the official #1 contender. Piper calls out Sting, Hall and Hogan. Sting comes first and then the others do as well but along with Bischoff. Naturally they take forever.

 

Hall is #1 contender to the world champion but we have no world champion. Piper says that Hogan has a claim to the title but he doesn’t get it. The rematch is made for Superbrawl and Hall would eventually get the title match at Uncensored (albeit in the second to last match as Hogan vs. Savage was the main event). In other words, it took five months for him to win his shot and then actually get it. Hall walks away and is like “whatever”. Sting chases Hogan and Bischoff off. This took over ten minutes somehow.

 

TV Title: Rick Martel vs. Booker T

 

Booker has the title here. No one is really sure why Martel came back as he was old and not the Model or anything but just a guy in a leather jacket that you’ve likely heard of. They feel each other out to start us off with both guys getting two. I’m still trying to figure out why Martel is getting a push like this. He’s certainly not bad and could wrestle a perfectly watchable match at this point (he destroyed his knee at the next PPV and had to retire) but it’s still a really weird pick.

 

Booker works on the arm for a bit. Suplex and a side kick get two and we’re back to the arm. Pretty much all Booker so far as he gets a hook kick for two. Martel makes Booker miss but gets caught in an armdrag and it’s the armbar again. Leap frog by Martel is countered by what might be a headbutt to the balls. Martel might have been faking it and suckers Booker in to hammer away, almost doing a mid-match heel turn.

 

Off to the chinlock now by Martel who is all evil now. Booker hammers away but a spinebuster takes him down for two. More back work by Martel, this time in the form of an abdominal stretch. Booker tries a comeback but misses a dropkick. Quebec (Boston) Crab goes on and Booker is in trouble. Oh never mind as he grabs a rope. This is a pretty generic although decent match. Axe kick out of nowhere gets no cover as Booker goes up. The Harlem Hangover ends this. It’s a front flip legdrop if you’re unfamiliar.

 

Rating: C+. Not bad but just kind of generic like I said. Martel was ok but he wasn’t interesting in the slightest. He never could get anywhere with the comeback due to his knee injury but this was as good as it was going to get I think. Could have been on Nitro though, which is rarely a good sign.

 

Post match Martel hands Booker the belt. After Booker leaves Saturn pops up to beat up Martel. Booker would face Martel at the next PPV and then face Saturn immediately thereafter.

 

Scott Hall vs. Larry Zbyszko

 

This is the culmination of some weird AWA angle that no one cared about but it resulted in Larry having a few matches. Hall has the soon dead Louie Spicolli with him. Dusty wonders who is coming out with Larry, and to the shock of no one, it’s Dusty himself. Bobby thinks the fans at home are standing over this pick. Uh, why? Also who thought purple and gold/yellow were good signature colors for a wrestling company?

 

The announcers touch on the AWA stuff a bit but never say any specifics. Larry controls early with amateur/mat stuff. Heenan talks about Ted DiBiase for no apparent reason. The other announcers point out that he has the wrong person and Heenan ADMITS HE’S WRONG!!! They’re taking their sweet time out here with nothing going on at all really. Larry gets an abdominal stretch which is countered by a hiptoss for the biggest spot of the match so far.

 

The hold goes right back on and it’s the same counter. Larry goes for the neck so Hall gets to the ropes. Big old right hand to Larry puts Larry down and Spicolli adds in a shot. Cue Dusty to something resembling a good reaction going after Spicolli. This is rather boring so far and the fans seem to realize that. The fans chant for Larry and he starts the comeback. Hall goes for the legs as this is really boring. Also, this is the #1 contender remember.

 

LOUD Larry sucks chant starts up with Tony more or less saying the fans have no idea what they’re talking about. A Hall sucks chant starts up so Tony is all happy. The dueling chants begin as Hall gets the fall away slam. Oh and Hall/Nash are the tag champions here. A backdrop gets Larry out of the Outsider Edge and here’s the comeback again.

 

Larry, the old man, pounds Hall down and shoves the referee which lets Hall come back. Somehow that isn’t a DQ but since when does WCW keep their DQ rules the same for more than one show in a row? Larry accidentally kicks the referee and Hall takes Zbyszko down. Larry plays possum on Hall and gets his guillotine choke on him. Spicolli comes in and punches Larry but THAT isn’t enough for the DQ.

 

Dusty comes in to a big reaction to hammer away and do something that I think is supposed to be dancing. He drills Louie with a bunch of elbows to the cranium…and joins the NWO by hitting Larry and taking off his shirt to reveal the black and white. Does this really surprise anyone? The big beatdown leads to the DQ and Tony and Bobby are disgusted.

 

Rating: D. This was whatever really. No one, and I mean no one, cared about Dusty turning here. He wouldn’t be around that long at all as he would head over to ECW and then come back in like a year and a half. Spicolli was supposed to fight Zbyszko at Superbrawl but he wouldn’t be alive in 30 days. Weak match here and a waste of Hall who was being pushed at this point.

 

We recap the segment and Tony hates it. The fans still think Larry sucks, proving that the whole thing failed.

 

Scott Norton/Buff Bagwell/Konnan vs. Ray Traylor/Steiner Brothers

 

Traylor is the Big Boss Man. Tony walks off set for a bit so Tenay comes out to give us Tenay and Heenan on commentary. Ok dude, EVERYONE has joined the NWO and this is supposed to be a big deal. The Steiner team has DiBiase with them and the NWO has Vincent which is kind of cool. Scott Steiner is teasing a heel turn as he has been doing for about the last six months. He would finally turn the next month.

 

Tony comes back and whines about Dusty. Yep this is going to go on forever isn’t it? Scott Steiner (blast it I have to specify in this match don’t I) wants to start but his partners won’t let him because they know he won’t tag out. Buff and Rick officially start. We talk about Dusty a lot and completely ignore the match at hand, which makes sense as there’s nothing to this match anyway.

 

Buff destroys him to start until a powerslam or something like one gets Rick out of trouble. Off to Traylor who hammers away. Two minutes in and Tony stops posting in his Livejournal about how much he hates Dusty now. Basically this is a handicap match since Rick and Traylor won’t tag Scott in due to him being a whiny twerp as I said. I know I’m repeating a lot of stuff but there’s nothing to say here otherwise.

 

Rick rips away at Buff’s face and Norton finally comes in. It’s weird that the team wrestling with two guys had made more tags than the team with three. Traylor hammers away on Norton and beats on Buff too. The numbers catch up with them and Heenan has a Freudian slip by talking about Dusty again. For the love of tar shut up about him! Konnan vs. Traylor at the moment in this boring match.

 

Tony announces again that he’s going to stop thinking about it. Naturally it takes him 15 seconds to stop talking about how he’s going to stop talking about it. Traylor and Norton collide and everyone is down. Scott Steiner hasn’t been in yet at all. Konnan gets a DDT to take down Rick as Tony tries to say Dusty is the reason the crowd is dead. Well at least he’s funny about it.

 

Rick gets beaten up on the floor as the VERY ANGRY Scott Steiner won’t even get off the apron to help. He’s kind of being a jerk when you think about it. The problem is that we keep seeing the same combinations of five guys that aren’t interesting in the slightest. Scott Steiner gets over next to Traylor on the same side which isn’t something you see often. They argue about it because they feel like annoying me.

 

Chinlock by Buff to Rick and Scott Steiner continues to be annoying as he wants a tag. Konnan beats on Rick for awhile as we need this to end or at least do something already. The fans are bored out of their minds and the announcers keep blaming it on Dusty instead of a terribly bad 6 man tag. For a nice change of pace, Norton beats on Rick for awhile now. This beating segment has been going on for like 4 minutes now.

 

Rolling dropkick by Konnan but Rick FINALLY breaks off some offense and everyone is down. Scott Steiner and Traylor tag in at the same time so no one is sure what’s going on. The future Big Poppa Pump shoves the referee and gets tagged in….somehow. Steiner Screwdriver (look that insane move up) to Konnan ends this.

 

Rating: D-. WAY too long here with Rick being in there forever. This was boring beyond belief and the crowd died from it. The announcers didn’t care at all and they talked about the Dusty turn the entire turn. Steiner would FINALLY turn next month and then do nothing of note for about six months due to Goldberg getting the focus as he should have.

 

Scott Steiner and Bagwell have some weird moment post match for even more foreshadowing.

 

Giant vs. Kevin Nash

 

This is the match that was supposed to happen for months but Nash didn’t show up at Starrcade because he didn’t want to lose to Giant. Remember that. After all the months of waiting, they lock up. Riveting stuff so far. Hogan and Bischoff are here with Nash because Hogan put up the 1.5 million dollars required to get Nash here. The deal was Nash had to ensure he’d be here (think about that for a minute) and Giant had to put it up to ensure he wouldn’t touch Nash. Riveting stuff.

 

Giant beats on him for awhile and Nash bails. Bobby literally whispers things into Tony’s ear and Tony gets annoyed at him for it. Giant chokes away in the corner with the foot and it’s more or less all future Big Show. Nash busts out a freaking leap frog of all things and puts Giant on the floor. NASH JUMPS OVER THE TOP ONTO GIANT AND GETS CAUGHT IN THE AIR!!! Think about that for a few seconds. Once your minds are done getting blown and you towel off, I’ll be here waiting.

 

Giant throws Nash in and Bischoff distracts the referee, allowing Hogan to DRILL Giant in the back with a chair. Giant makes it back in at about 9.8 and here comes Nash. We need a name for the spot where a guy is in position for a 619 and a guy gets a running start to jump on his back/neck. Giant shrugs the offense off and takes Nash down with a clothesline.

 

Both guys try big boots at the same time and they’re both down. Nash hammers away with his usual big power spots but walks into an atomic drop and some headbutts to take him down. Big boot puts Nash down as does a slam. Bischoff pops up and gets a chokeslam as a late Christmas present. Nash gets coffee from….somewhere and throws it in Giant’s eyes. Nash then tries the Jackknife and drops Giant ON HIS HEAD, looking like he killed him dead to end it. The crowd is completely silent after that for a second as that was terrifying. Giant would be out about a month because of it.

 

Rating: D. Well some of the spots were cool but giant vs. giant matches get kind of dull after awhile. The powerbomb at the end is absolutely terrifying though. Naturally they show the replay twice. One other thing to note here: Nash won the match. In other words, he avoided jobbing by not showing up and got to win a month later. And people said they didn’t have stroke backstage.

 

Bret Hart vs. Ric Flair

 

Basically just an “I’m better than you” match. Somehow this is Bret’s in ring debut for WCW. How in the world did they wait this long, AND WHY IN THE WORLD WAS THIS NOT AT STARRCADE??? Oh that’s right: we needed a boring six man on that show! Bret grabs a headlock and eventually takes him to the mat with it. This has a ton of time for it and Heenan wastes some of it by talking about Flair’s sex life.

 

Flair is only 48 here and is still rather good in the ring. My goodness did he go downhill during the Evolution years. Bret grabs a figure four for a bit but a rope is grabbed quickly. Suplex gets two and we’re back to that headlock. Bret slaps Flair down and the blonde haired one takes a break on the floor. Back in and Bret throws Flair around a bit and it’s back to the headlock.

 

A quick thumb to the eye and down goes the Canadian. Hart grabs a sleeper out of nowhere but gets reversed into a belly to back almost immediately. Flair gets a low blow in and of course Heenan defends it. Heenan and Flair are hilarious. Tony: “You know you’re an idiot.” Off to a chinlock by Naitch which doesn’t last long. Flair chokes away and is clearly the heel in this match.

 

Chops vs. punches is won by the puncher and I think you know who that is. Swinging neckbreaker by Bret gives us a little breather. Bret gets a bulldog for two. Well he used to be a cowboy so he has to have a bulldog every now and then I guess. Bret goes after the knee as is his custom. The figure four around the post doesn’t work as we hear about Jim Neidhart for no apparent reason.

 

Back in and Flair unleashes the knee crusher. You have to admit they know their formula if nothing else. Another knee crusher and Bret is in trouble. Bret gets an enziguri out of nowhere to put Flair down. Good back and forth stuff here. Bret tries another figure four but gets caught in a rollup for two. And there’s the chop block and Bret is right back down again.

 

There’s the REAL Figure Four (by the REAL World’s Champion for you old school fans out there) and Bret grabs the referee. The crowd doesn’t seem to care here which is kind of weird. Flair slaps Bret in the face because that’s always worked so well for him over the years.

 

Bret reverses which stays on for all of a second. Flair goes up and it’s apparent that Flair suffers from extreme memory loss as he continues to try thing after thing and it never works at all. There’s the Russian leg sweep by the Canadian to the Flairian (like he’s actually human) but Flair pops up and chops away in the corner.

 

Hart takes the straps down and is all like BRING IT ON! Bret hammers away in the corner and Flair is in trouble. Atomic drop out of the corner by Ric is in trouble. Here are the five moves of doom and amazingly enough, they actually work and Flair gives up to the Sharpshooter. I don’t remember those ever working but you have to have it work once I guess.

 

Rating: B+. Good stuff here but it felt like they never got it into that highest gear. Definitely the match of the night that actually meant something and a third great match tonight. Bret’s WCW run would pretty steadily go downhill from here though other than a few matches here and there, which is impressive since they managed to screw up BRET HART.

 

Randy Savage vs. Lex Luger

 

Yep, this is the main event. Why would you have a classic for the main event when you can have THIS? Well there are two arguments there. The first is that Luger and Savage were the “draws”. Considering you had Bret Hart and Ric Flair in the previous match, I find that really odd. The other answer is that Hogan gets involved in this match and he has to be in the last match of the night.

 

I have no idea why these two are fighting but it’s WCW so that is perfectly normal. Tony talks about how Flair erases the memory of Dusty Rhodes. Hey Tony, maybe you would forget about if faster IF YOU SHUT UP ABOUT IT! Savage walks around to start and Liz pops Luger in the back to let Savage take over to start. Savage controls early and gets a belly to back suplex for two. We talk about Dick the Bruiser for some reason and Savage gets a back elbow for two.

 

Liz chokes away with Savage’s bandana as she’s pretty awesome when she’s evil. All Savage so far. Luger tries to get going again but Liz grabs his foot and the problems continue. Savage gets a double axe to Luger who is on the floor. They head into the crowd and Luger finally gets something going.

 

Back to the ring now and Luger hammers away with clotheslines. Forearm (which somehow isn’t made of lead anymore) hits Savage and here comes Scott Hall with Hogan behind him. Hall has a chair but Hogan gets involved. Hall is knocked off the apron and in the distraction Luger gets the Rack for the submission. Somehow this was the main event. My mind is blown.

 

Rating: D. This was terrible and everyone knew it. This going on last was idiotic and shows another sign of how this company was in real trouble. All night long it was WCW vs. the NWO which was a feud that went on for a year and a half at this point and would eventually split into a 3 way feud as the Wolfpack debuted. Either way, bad main event that shouldn’t have been a main event.

 

The NWO comes out for the beatdown, Sting runs out for the save, Rack for Nash, Scorpion for Hogan, WCW IS AWESOME (despite the fans liking the NWO more), show over.

 

Overall Rating: B+. This was a very good show with two great matches and some other very good stuff sprinkled in. See, notice two things here also. 1. Hogan didn’t wrestle. 2. Clean finishes other than in the Zbyszko match. 3. Great PPV. Now notice what came later. 1. More Hogan/NWO. 2. More screwy finishes. 3. Worse PPVs.

 

This was a high buyrate for a PPV in this time frame and yet Hogan didn’t wrestle. DO YOU GET THE POINT WCW??? Of course they didn’t because it went right back to Hogan as he would be champion again in April. WCW could have been saved and it was all there in front of them but they never got it and they died. Still though, great stuff here but don’t watch the “main event.”