Monday Nitro #259
Date: September 25, 2000
Location: Nassau Coliseum, Uniondale, New York
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Scott Hudson, Mark Madden

We have arrived. If you’ve read this far, you probably know what’s coming and you know there’s no way around it. Tonight we’re in Vince Russo’s hometown and he’s in a cage match for the WCW World Title. This is a show I’ve been dreading for a long time, even though it was pretty obviously coming months ago. Let’s get to it.

We open with a video designed like an inspirational sports story on Vince Russo, who has climbed the ladder to earn his destiny here in his hometown. Ignore the lines about him “growing up and wanting to be WCW Champion” as he would have gotten the WWWF and the WCW World Title didn’t exist until he was nearly thirty years old.

Opening sequence.

Earlier today Russo and Jeremy Borash arrived with JB now acting as Russo’s biggest fan. Russo: “WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP???”

Big Vito vs. Johnny the Bull

The announcers swoon over Vito’s sister Maria, who is sitting in the front row. This is a stick ball bat vs. a kendo stick match because those are different things (as well as extra phallic objects along with the pipe and baseball bat). Vito slugs away in the corner but gets taken down by a stick shot to the ribs.

The fans chant for Vito (also from New York of course) as he’s down in the corner, followed by a spinwheel kick from Johnny. Naturally the announcers preview the swimsuit contest later as they’re not even hiding the cheap ratings ploy. Vito comes back with some stick shots of his own and kicks Johnny into the ropes, setting up even more stick shots.

That would be the kendo stick of course because Vito is just that versatile. Cue Reno with a kendo stick of his own to lay out Vito before tying him in the Tree of Woe for sticks to the ribs. Maria jumps the barricade to shield Vito….and THAT’S the DQ instead of Reno pounding on him for a minute and a half.

Rating: D. The only good thing here was the very pretty Maria but I have a feeling where this is going. You know she’s related to one of them and there’s some backstory here, which to be fair is a much more interesting and coherent story (in theory at least) than most of the goofy stuff we get around here.

According to the announcers, that was an I Quit match and Maria did the submitting for him. I’m so glad they got around to that after plugging MAJOR GUNNS IS GOING TO BE IN A BIKINI LATER!

The announcers preview the main event.

Earlier this week, David Flair hijacked a pay phone and it’s attached phone book to find the baby father’s address. Thank goodness they showed him finding the address at THIS phone booth because there’s no other phone booth on the planet.

Here are Jarrett/Steiner/Midajah with something to say. Jarrett promises us a new champion tonight because the hometown boy is going to bring home the gold. Steiner can’t believe that people boo him when they cheer for the New York sports teams. We get an insult to a New York Jet and some shots at Goldberg before Steiner introduces Russo for some sucking up to the fans.

Russo lists off some great names in New York sports and says his name is going up in the rafters next to theirs. However, now he lives in Atlanta, where they have NASCAR, the Georgia Bulldogs (having a bad year at this point), cousins breeding with cousins and John Rocker. Russo doesn’t care much for Rocker, who went on some big rant about how much he hates New York City around this time. Cue Sting and Booker on the screen because we’re still not done talking about Russo. Sting says he has Booker’s back tonight but for now, Russo needs to turn around. Russo does just that and Goldberg is in the crowd.

Mike Sanders comes in to see Kronik, who are out of the tag team battle royal as per Russo’s orders. So the Thrillers are officially errand boys?

Tag Team Titles: Battle Royal

Rey Mysterio/Juventud Guerrera, Mark Jindrak/Sean O’Haire, 3 Count (all three members), Harris Brothers, Corporal Cajun/Lieutenant Loco, Jung Dragons (Jamie-San/Kaz Hayashi)

Last team standing wins the vacant titles and both members have to be eliminated. It’s a brawl to start of course as Konnan sits in on commentary, promising vengeance on Disqo and the Duck. Hayashi takes an H Bomb and is eliminated a few seconds later, laving Jamie-San on his own. Shane is sent over the top and through a table (of course) and here’s Kronik, who may or may not actually be in the match.

The Harris Brothers are put out in seconds and it’s time for Kronik to clean house. Adams dumps Jamie-San and Shannon, meaning all of 3 Count is eliminated because we missed Evan somewhere. There go the Misfits until security comes in to mace Kronik. We’re down to just the Thrillers vs. the Animals with Juvy fighting back as the Animals take over.

Rey gets crotched though (Hudson: “He got his bronco busted.”) and a Seanton Bomb makes it even worse. Cue Disqo to hit Juvy with the Duck (no effect of course), allowing Jindrak and O’Haire to dump him. The bell rings but Rey is still in, which we’ll call a referee screwup. O’Haire crotches Rey on top and Jindrak clotheslines him out for the titles.

Rating: D. More overbooked nonsense here as they could have just as easily done O’Haire/Jindrak vs. the Animals with the same finish or had the Animals defend in the battle royal. Instead they vacate the titles and have Kronik taken out for no explained reason (likely for not destroying Stevie well enough on Thunder), only to have Kronik make the entire division look like a joke. Well done indeed, as usual.

Pamela Paulshock is in the back with Howard Stern’s Wack Pack. Guess what they have to say. Of note, Paulshock is in a fur coat, which will come into play later. Nash and the Thrillers come in to interrupt them with Nash getting the only good line as he refers to Beetlejuice (a dwarf) as Elix.

Insane Clown Posse vs. Mike Awesome

This is over the bus and seems to be hardcore. Before the match, Violent J says Vampiro is out due to a broken spleen or something. We hear about some JCW wrestlers being hardcore but Mike is dead, just like the 70s. J actually isn’t a bad talker. Awesome drives the bus into the arena (thank goodness he was behind the wheel and right outside) and comes out swinging a fire extinguisher.

Shaggy hits him in the head with a trashcan and they pull Awesome on top of the bus. J is knocked off the engine and through a table, followed by an Awesome Bomb onto the top of the bus to Shaggy, who falls down to the concrete for the pin. This was a segment disguised as a match and really didn’t need to do that big spot.

David Flair, now with a camera in his car, goes to Chuck E. Cheese for directions. Since there’s already a camera set up inside, David is seen yelling at a worker and then searching through the ball pit for the father.

Here are Cat and Ms. Jones with the former calling out Russo. Cat is going to have Booker’s back tonight and promises to fire anyone who tries to interfere tonight. This brings out Mike Sanders with a ball bat. Mike: “Did somebody say Natural Born Thrillers?” Cat: “No. I said natural born ratings killers.” Egads man even the roster knows your show sucks at this point. The crowd swears at Sanders so the audio cuts out for a few moments before Sanders tells Cat to reverse that threat of a firing. The fight is on so here are Nash and the Thrillers for the big beatdown. Mark: “SPAY THE CAT!”

It’s time for the bikini contest with Gene and Pamela (still in fur coat) as emcees and the Wack Pack as judges. By the way: this is opening the second hour against Raw. The contestants (Chae, Chiquita, Torrie Wilson, Tygress, Paisley, Leia Meow and Major Gunns) come out and kind of disrobe, as some of them take their robes off while some open them but don’t take them off. Gunns goes last and has an American swimsuit, drawing out Jim Duggan to take her to the back.

The judges aren’t sure who wins so Pamela decides it’s time to take off her coat, naturally revealing a barely there top. She wins, so the actual contestants fight until Midajah comes out for one of the worst slams I’ve ever seen on Meow. The women looked good but when I can be watching Trish and Lita actually starting to develop as characters and having matches, this stops doing anything for me. Oh and over on Raw: Austin was recently back from injury and opening the show before Rock and Benoit had a World Title match later on. Guess how the ratings went.

Steiner is in the back for an interview when Goldberg attacks him.

Here are Disqo and his Duck, the former of whom doesn’t think much of the Animals. He wants to introduce his new partner but gets beaten down by Steiner. Scott calls out Goldberg, who immediately accepts but wants it in a cage with no referee.

Goldberg vs. Scott Steiner

Inside Caged Heat with ten seconds’ build. They brawl on the floor with Goldberg choking away as the cage is lowered. Goldberg throws him inside as the bell rings and my head shakes at how stupid this company really is. Steiner gets beaten down for the first minute or so until Scott comes back with a spinning belly to belly. A top rope clothesline puts Goldberg down, only to have him come back with a butterfly suplex.

There’s a low blow to put Goldberg down as Midajah comes out and just walks in to hand the pipe to Steiner. However, the New York Jet that Steiner insulted earlier jumps the barricade and keeps Steiner from leaving. Goldberg comes back with a spear (right into the pipe for no effect because the script doesn’t call for it) before walking out to win.

Rating: D-. Whenever you hear people praise Steiner vs. Goldberg, the automatic question is why didn’t they do it again at Starrcade. Well apparently that’s because they did it here, eight days later, inside the Cell in a match that didn’t even make five minutes and was more about a member of the New York Jets than any kind of revenge. Oh and again: THEY ANNOUNCD THIS SIX MINUTES BEFORE THE BELL.

You might think that the rematch of one of the most physical matches ever inside a cage would be a good way to open against this week’s Raw, but that spot was reserved for women in swimsuits, High Pitch Eric and Crackhead Bob. It’s the same short term thinking and the hope that people just happened to change the channel during the commercials for Raw and tune in to see whatever the latest thing WCW was rushing through at this point. I mean, it’s not like anyone was going to buy a pay per view to see these two fight so why not just throw it out here?

Goldberg says Russo is next.

Jeff Jarrett hits Beetlejuice with the guitar.

Booker promises backup for the main event. Thankfully he also has some devastating catchphrases to do some early damage to the boss.

General Rection vs. Jeff Jarrett

Rection shrugs off Jarrett’s early attack in the corner but misses a top rope elbow. Madden accuses the General of being a draft dodger as a sitout powerbomb gets two on Jeff. Cue Team Canada for a distraction, allowing Duggan to hit Rection with the board, setting up the Stroke to give Jeff the pin. Nothing match.

Jarrett puts Rection in the Figure Four until the Misfits come out for the save. That fails of course because the Misfits suck so it’s Sting coming out for the real save. The Canadians run but Storm wants Sting in a non-title match right now.

Sting vs. Lance Storm

This could be interesting. Joined in progress after a break with Storm in control and hitting that great dropkick for two. Three straight clotheslines have Storm in trouble but he crotches Sting on top. An elbow sends Storm to the floor where the Stinger Splash that always hits the barricade hits the barricade again. Back in and Storm gets two off a powerbomb but Sting starts his usual comeback. Storm however is CANADIAN and counters the Deathlock attempt into the Maple Leaf. After the rope is reached, Sting suplexes him down and puts on the Death Drop for the pin.

Rating: C. Fine little match here, even though it was a clean pin on the US Champion. To be fair though, it was Sting instead of some goon to set up a title shot. I can actually live with that a lot more easily as Sting is one of the biggest names ever in WCW and a loss doesn’t do him that much damage. On a related side note: Lance Storm lost and regained the US Title from Terry Funk on the house show circuit over the weekend. As you might guess, this wasn’t mentioned on TV.

David Flair goes inside and demands that the father come out. Then it turns out he has the wrong house so he goes next door but no one is home. Apparently the guy is out of town, whoever he is. How the person who tells David that the father isn’t home knows who the father is isn’t clear as they somehow never said the guy’s name.

Russo, in football pads and carrying a helmet, promises to win tonight.

The cage is lowered.

WCW World Title: Vince Russo vs. Booker T.

You can win by pin or escape and JB is on commentary. Russo jumps him with the bat to start as a bunch of people are guarding the door to keep Russo inside. Back up and Russo blasts him in the chest with the bat and throws in a ladder. There’s a third bat shot so Russo can go up and tear the roof open, only to have the wrestlers waiting on him. Sting repels down from the ceiling to stop Russo as well, allowing Booker to slam him for the champ’s first offense.

Russo loses the helmet and gets punched in the face, followed by a superkick. They head outside for some slow brawling but LEX LUGER of all people returns to give Russo a lead pipe through the cage. Therefore, Russo gets to beat the champ down even more before shoving the referee down. The EMTs get beaten down….save for one who is Ric Flair. Ric beats Russo down until the Thrillers come out to brawl with everyone at ringside, leaving Booker to ax and side kick Russo.

Like any schnook though, Booker grabs the mic for his catchphrase instead of leaving. Cue Goldberg to slowly come down the ramp, which freezes Booker at the door for absolutely no reason. Even Scott Hudson screams at Booker to leave. Instead he lets Goldberg in as Scott Steiner comes out to guard the door. Goldberg spears Russo through the cage wall to make him the champ, but Booker high fives Goldberg anyway to end the show.

Rating: Vince Russo. I wrote most of this on Monday but I had to wait a few days to be able to start talking about it. This is something that I knew was coming but I actually had to take a break and process what I just sat through. The match itself is of course inconsequential but the big thing here is of course, Russo, as always.

I’m actually struggling to come up with a way to rip on this match. It’s one of those things that you know is horrible on all counts but it’s hard to go into why. Above all else, and this is a spoiler (for a show fifteen and a half years old), the problem is that this show meant nothing. Booker would get the title back a week later by beating Jeff Jarrett, making this whole thing a big waste of time.

This was Russo’s last match in WCW as his injuries (the real ones, not the ones that caused him to have brain surgery like two weeks ago) kept him out of the ring. I know I’m supposed to feel sorry for him about that but I’ve sat through six months of Russo putting himself over Flair, Goldberg, and now Booker for the title. Now I’m supposed to care about his injuries and feel bad that he had to vacate the belt and not wrestle anymore?

The whole thing was nothing more than a vanity project for Russo as he’s actually turned the promotion and the company’s World Title into a trophy for himself. I mean, I know we talk about Hogan and his friends turning the company into a huge vanity project that was all a playground for themselves, but that’s exactly what Russo has managed to do here. This whole company is now about Russo and whatever makes him look good.

Why would ANYONE want to watch this company again? It’s not about the wrestling or the title anymore. They have now decided that Russo getting to win a title that he “wanted since he was a kid” was more important than Booker, Goldberg (the two of whom looked like morons to end the show) or anything else that could possibly be going on here.

Oh and on top of that: Russo dominated WAY too much of the match. Remember St. Valentine’s Day Massacre when Austin fought McMahon, and by fought I mean absolutely destroyed for most of the match until a low blow slowed Austin down for like thirty seconds? This was Russo beating on Booker with a bat until a bunch of interference changed things around and set up the finish.

Finally, and speaking of McMahon, no this isn’t the same thing as when McMahon won the title a year earlier. For one thing, McMahon winning the title was a nice surprise as he was a face at the time and gave the fans something they wanted to see, unlike Russo who gave himself something he wanted to see. It also helped that McMahon had taken a loss or two here and there. Like him or not, you can’t deny that McMahon will get beaten whenever the story calls him for him to.

Third, look at where the promotions were at the time. The WWF was on fire and absolutely crushing WCW in the ratings. Russo’s title win came when WCW hadn’t won a night in the Monday Night Wars in nearly two years. The solution is to give the heel writer (as in the person who isn’t the owner or the official boss) the title to make himself feel better in his hometown while taking it off Booker. In other words, everything was about Russo instead of something that might have helped advance a storyline. But hey, people still talk about this so Russo is totally justified in all of this right?

Overall Rating: F. In addition to the disaster that was the main event, we also have the rest of the show to make WCW look ridiculous. I can’t emphasize this enough: they gave away Steiner vs. Goldberg II in a nothing five minute match inside the Cell. That gets no time, but Russo’s cage match is given a week’s build because he’s a draw and a star?

In addition to that you have the usual way too high amount of gimmick matches for no logical reason other than “PEOPLE LOVE GIMMICK MATCHES”, wrestling that either has no time or is such a mess because they have nowhere to go without doing some stupid story. Oh and there’s the swimsuit contest, which made the women look like even bigger wastes of time than Russo thinks they are.

Overall, you can’t say this was the death of WCW because the company had clearly gone under way earlier than this though. Instead, this was taking WCW’s casket out of the tomb and robbing whatever Russo could get out of it for the sake of making himself look good. It’s one of those shows where you know what’s coming and it’s so depressing because there’s nothing that can be done about it. They made it clear a long time ago that this place is all about Russo and now they’ve only confirmed it. Normally I would say something like “enjoy your title Russo because you’ve killed it” but that would probably just make him laugh.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of the Complete Monday Nitro Reviews Volume IV at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Bloodymania V
Date: August 14, 2011
Location: Hatchet Landing, Cave-in-Rock Illinois
Commentators: Kevin Gill, Shaggy 2 Dope

This is what you get for saying you’ll review almost anything. This is Juggalo Championship Wrestling, which is the Insane Clown Posse’s company. If you don’t know who they are, they’re a band who dresses like clowns and are incredibly controversial for their lyrics and all that jazz. They’re also huge wrestling fans and got into both the WWF and WCW on their star power. They wrestled some matches and it became clear they had the talent of your average backyard wrestler. Naturally WCW had plans on making one of them Cruiserweight Champion because that’s what WCW does.

Now one thing to note: there are actual wrestlers here. It isn’t just ICP and their friends having bad matches. There are names on here like Rhyno, Raven, Nick Dinsmore (Eugene), X-Pac and Vampiro. Also I have no idea who any of these musicians are, nor do I care to know. Other than that I have no idea what to expect here. Let’s get to it.

Some guy in a JCW shirt comes out to open the show. Apparently his name is Kevin Gill. He intros the show and the people are SILENT. The audio on this show sucks so far. The main event is Corporal Robinson, who apparently has been champion for about 40% of the company’s existence, defending against Vampiro. He introduces his broadcasting partners and the audio gets a lot louder.

A DJ plays some music.

Shaggy goes to the back to see about some of the audio issues.

Apparently all of the fans are called ninjas.

Bill Martel vs. The Man of 1000 Gimmicks

The name graphics are backwards at first. The announcers keep talking over the ring announcer. Martel is the Superstar, so you can tell he’s important. The Man of 1000 Gimmicks is looking like a pimp here. From what I can find on the internet, his name is Sal so we’ll go with that. Apparently Sal lost a loser leaves town match a few weeks/months ago but put on a mask and won a match to get back on this show.

Bill slaps him to start but gets slapped right back. Sal takes him to the mat and hits a low dropkick to the head before pulling out….a marshmallow? Oh it was a tampon which he puts in Bill’s mouth. How long is this show again? Martel takes him down again and the audio screws up again. Martel misses a middle rope elbow and Sal clotheslines him down for two. They head to the corner with Sal hitting a tornado DDT and rolling through into a spinning fisherman’s neckbreaker for two. Martel gets a rollup out of nowhere for the pin. This should have been a dark match.

We recap the next tag match. Weed Man (exactly what it sounds like) lost a match to Officer Colt Cabana and had to become Cabana’s deputy. Weed Man wasn’t happy with it and had to help Cabana go after 2 Tuff Tony who is an alcoholic. Finally the drug addict turned on the cop and helped the alcoholic. Cabana brought in US Marshall Adam Pearce and we’ve got a tag match, albeit with Pearce/Cabana vs. Tony and a mystery partner.

The announcers talk but we hear music.

Adam Pearce/Colt Cabana vs. 2 Tuff Tony/???

Commentary is back now but the theme music is still drowning it out. The camera stays on the commentators as we can hear stuff going on in the ring. Even Shaggy and Kevin are asking why they’re being shown. Apparently the show didn’t get going until sometime between 1:30 and 3:30am. No wonder the fans aren’t caring that much. After Tony gives the fans liquor for a few minutes, Weed Man runs in and says he’s the partner of Tony. That’s not exactly shocking given the story. He takes his mask off which is a big deal apparently but it doesn’t get a big reaction. No one knows who he is so what was the point?

Tony and Cabana start things off with Tony controlling the arm early on. Off to Weed Man who stays on the arm while the announcers say he looks like a typical stoner. Cabana punches him down and it’s off to Pearce with a top rope splash for two. Weed Man does a Flair Flip in the corner and is clotheslined off the apron. Cabana rams Weed Man into the steps and Weed Man is busted.

Pearce works on the cut and does the clap non-tag to Cabana. A sunset flip gets two for Weed and we’re already at the main issue with this show: the wrestling is ok at its very best. Weed Man isn’t that good and he’s doing nothing but basics. Anyway it’s off to Pearce as the beating continues. Oh wait let’s look at the commentators again. Pearce goes up and gets crotched and superplexed down.

There’s the hot tag to Tony who cleans house as the announcers make gay jokes about Cabana. Tony hits a kick to the face of Pearce for two and a Lionsault to Cabana gets no cover. Instead of covering, Tony covers his hand in alcohol and tries to light it on fire, but Pearce throws a fire extinguisher at it. Cabana hits Tony with a nightstick for two as Weed Man dives through the ropes onto Pearce. Tony trips Cabana down and a double stomp from Weed Man gets the pin.

Rating: D+. This was one of the main events? If that’s the case this show is in big trouble. This was a run of the mill tag match and not a lot came from it. Cabana and Pearce are talented guys but they need something better than these two for opponents to have a good match. I get that Weed Man and Tony are popular, but they’re not that talented. That’s one of the mistakes ECW made: they would have guys in there to pop the live crowd but it did nothing for the masses. Now that being said, this is a far different kind of company than ECW was so it’s a lot more understandable here.

Cabana arrests Weed Man for taking his mask off. A guy who is apparently the owner of the land this show is happening on says Cabana has no authority here because it’s private property. Weed Man has to be uncuffed and security comes out remove Cabana who shouts about Rodney King. Tony and Weed Man celebrate with the fans.

We recap Zach Gowen vs. Eugene. Gowen has one leg and Eugene (spelled U-Gene here for the sake of copyright infringement but I’m calling him Eugene because it really makes no difference) was really protective of him. Eugene tried to use brass knuckles to win the tag titles but Gowen didn’t want them that way. Eugene was offended and turned on him, setting up this match. Simple story and that’s fine.

U-Gene vs. Zach Gowen

Eugene takes the only leg out but Gowen can fight well on the mat and escapes. Eugene keeps asking for a test of strength but Gowen will have none of that. Back to the mat but Gowen kicks him to the floor. Eugene is still slow so this is a battle of the handicaps. Back in and Gowen gets down in a crouch which freaks Eugene out. Gowen is very quick on the mat so Eugene gets on top of him. A dropkick puts Eugene on the floor and he’s getting very frustrated. He seems to be the heel here.

Back in and Gowen is slammed into the mat for two and it’s off to a chinlock. Eugene uses the classic invisible foreign object to pound away. The commentators debate what country the object is from and continue to get on my nerves. Eugene puts on a half crab, which may be a full crab in Gowen’s case, followed by a giant swing. Eugene loads up what looks like a Samoan Drop off the middle rope but Gowen escapes into a powerbomb for no cover.

A Blockbuster gets two for Gowen but Eugene comes back with an airplane spin. Given that it’s an airplane spin, we get the required ref bump as Gowen is being spun around. Gowen takes Eugene down and this a moonsault but there’s no ref. As Zach wakes the referee up, Eugene blasts Gowen with the foreign object for the pin.

Rating: C. Not bad here as it’s amazing what you do when you get seasons pros in the ring. Eugene was always talented and he could make the gimmick work well as he tweaked it enough to make it different at different times. When you take Gowen out of the main event scene of WWE PPVs, he’s a lot less annoying. Decent match here which is probably going to be the high point.

The referee sees the object and reverses the decision. Eugene snaps and destroys Gowen with Gowen’s cane. The referee was busted open in there somewhere too.

The announcers talk about what we just saw.

We recap Richie Boy Breyer Wellington vs. his Butler Geeves. Wellington was going to try to steal the world title but Geeves wound up sneaking in and taking it. 2 Tuff Tony won the belt before Geeves could lay down for Wellington so Wellington and his manager Truth Martini brought in Geeves’ wife Mrs. Geeves before the match tonight. Tonight, the winner gets Mrs. Geeves and the loser has to fight Tank Abbott for five minutes.

Breyer Wellington vs. Butler Geeves

Geeves looks like a Chippendale dancer. We stall to start and look at the announcers a bit who are talking about moon bounce houses. No contact for the first 45 seconds or so. Geeves works on the arm but gets sent to the mat by Wellington to escape. Wellington puts on a headlock as the ring seems a lot louder now for some reason. The announcers keep up a joke about Geeves learning to wrestle online which is beaten into the ground a few minutes into the match.

The guys in the ring are doing nothing beyond basics so far. A butterfly suplex gets two for Wellington and it’s off to a surfboard hold on Geeves. Wellington hits a Backstabber for two. At least I think it was two, as we were looking at the announcers again. Geeves makes a comeback and grabs a rollup for two but walks into a modified Cradle Shock (Sabin’s AA move) for two. Some chick comes out and flashes Wellington, giving Geeves a rollup for the pin.

Rating: D. This was really dull and the comeback came so fast that there wasn’t a chance for the crowd to get into it. The girl I guess is replacing Mrs. Geeves for her husband, but he gets them both due to the stipulations. That’s not a bad way to go and I guess now we get the Tank Abbott stuff. Pretty terrible match though.

Geeves says he doesn’t want his wife’s services anymore in a pretty decent promo.

No Abbott stuff for the moment.

Here’s Commissioner Violent J. He plays to the crowd a bit and the fans chant Bruce (his real name). As with everything else tonight, you can barely understand him. He says not to review the show if you’re not observing them. That clears me I guess. Apparently only Juggalos can review these shows. I’m out then. He talks about what you should do and this goes nowhere. We get a King Kong Bundy reference for no apparent reason.

J talks about a guy who is here after not being around for awhile. The fans chant for Evil Dead, who was a corpse that won the first JCW Championship. He had a big advantage because he was death and therefore couldn’t feel pain. More on that later. Evil Dead is the first inductee into the JCW Hall of Fame, and there is no truth to the speculation that it’s just J’s brother in a rubber mask.

Evil Dead comes out and falls down the ramp because he doesn’t have many leg muscles left. He has a note in his hand as he stands on the middle rope. J reads his speech which talks about eating people. Dead falls off the ropes, gets tied up in the ropes, falls to the floor, and finally leaves with J. This ran 13 minutes, or longer than all but one match tonight.

The announcers talk a lot more. This must be an intermission of some kind.

Tag Titles: Ring Rydas vs. Tracy Smothers/Bull Pain vs. Necro Butcher/Mad Man Pondo vs. Raven/Sexy Slim Goody

The Rydas are the champions and are known as Ring Ryda Red and Ring Ryda Blue. They’re masked and are also known as the Irish Airborne, mainly from ROH. The ring is WAY too small for eight people. Raven and Smothers start things off and we start with dancing. Before there’s any contact it’s off to Slim, who is a big fat guy who may or may not be gay. Smothers keeps falling down without any contact being made. Pain comes in and twists Slim’s nipples to start things off.

Bull Pain pounds on Slim as the announcers crack jokes about whatever they think of. A reverse DDT puts Slim down for no cover for Pain. Pain looks like a shorter Albert from his piercing days. The Rydas get on Pain’s nerves and draw him into their corner so Red comes in to pound on Slim. The Rydas are small guys so the size difference is jarring.

Off to Blue vs. Necro with Blue speeding things up and hitting a running knee to the face. Blue goes up but jumps into an uppercut. Off to Pondo who hits a kind of piledriver onto a chair that is in the ring out of nowhere. Things break down a bit and it’s off to Necro vs. Smothers. Necro chops away in the corner and Pain starts beating on everyone with a bat or a pipe or whatever it is.

Tracy comes in and Necro sets for a tiger driver, but Tracy’s daughter/sister (forget it people, it’s JCW) Isabelle comes in to break it up. Pain walks out on Smothers for some reason and Tracy follows. Red breaks up a DDT on Pondo from Raven and heads up. In a pretty awesome looking finish, Red gets shoved off the top by Goody into the DDT from Raven who hits it perfectly for the pin and the titles.

Rating: D+. This was a bit of a mess because there were too many people and too much stuff going on out there at once. The ending was pretty awesome looking though as Red looked dead after that DDT. I have no idea why Raven and Slim are together but it’s Raven so it’s not a big deal at all.

And now the feed goes off for a bit. It wouldn’t feel right if that didn’t happen.

We recap Rhyno vs. Kongo Kong which is basically a battle of monsters colliding. It’s No DQ either.

Rhyno vs. Kongo Kong

No countout or DQ. Apparently Kongo has lost over 90lbs since the video was made because he’s billed as 410lbs here and was said to be over 500lbs in the video. Kong is a savage or something close to one. Kong immediately clotheslines him down but Rhyno pops back up. Rhyno hits a decent belly to belly given how fat Kong is but Kong pops back up. Kong misses a charge and flips over the top rope to the floor in a surprising display of balance.

Rhyno dives onto Kong but loses a slugout on the floor. Back in and the fat man (Kongo if you’re not familiar with Rhyno, which makes me wonder why you’re reading this) pounds away and we get the required nerve hold. Rhyno Hulks Up and finally knocks Kong down with shoulders. The Gore hits….for two? I didn’t see that coming. A second Gore again only gets two but the third one hits the buckle, giving Kongo a rollup win out of nowhere.

Rating: D. Kong is a big guy but there’s nothing more to him than that. Also, why would you have a monster come off looking like he can only win on a fluke? Kicking out of two Gores was a nice surprise as the Gore is a very famous finisher. This was short which helped a bit but it didn’t work that well due to Kong being unable to do much.

We recap the women’s three way. There’s something about training and throwing in a towel and I really don’t care.

Brittany Force vs. Amber O’Neal vs. Ring Girl Randy

Amber is billed as being from Heaven. That’s kind of awesome. The announcers say they hope it turns into lesbianism. Well why bother to just hint at it I guess? Anyway Amber tries to leave but the other two pull her back in and beat her to the floor. Randy hits a Samoan Drop on Force to send Brittany to the floor, followed by a big dive to take Brittany out. Amber sends Randy into the post so let’s look at the announcers.

Back in and Brittany grabs a fast rollup for two on Amber but gets caught in a running Umaga attack in the corner. Amber knocks everyone down and hits a bad X Factor on Force for two. Force gets two off something we missed because we were looking at the commentators. Randy keeps getting beaten up as she tries to get back in. Amber chokes Brittany over the ropes while in a rana position and Randy is back in.

Scratch that as she’s already back out. Amber puts a chinlock on Force for about 10 seconds, followed by a Stink Face. Force avoids a charge and hits a Downward Spiral on Amber and Randy finally gets back in. A facejam from Force gets two on Amber, but Randy comes in and hits a reverse DDT on Force for the surprise win.

Rating: D+. This was your usual three way with the person who looked to be losing the entire time coming out of nowhere for the surprise pin. That’s always annoying as it’s such a played out idea that as soon as Randy kept getting knocked to the floor I knew she was going to win. Nothing to see here but Amber is good looking so it helps.

X-Pac vs. Luke Gallows vs. Rob Conway

The winner gets a contract, even though Conway already has one. Fast paced opening here with no one being able to get an advantage. Conway is sent to the floor and Gallows is knocked out as well, followed by Pac with a big dive. Conway crotches Pac on the platform the ring is on which gets two back in the ring. Now we get to the usual turning point of a triple threat: the fight between the heels (?) that want to pin the guy who is down.

Gallows kills Conway with a chokeslam but Pac kicks Gallows down. Luke kicks Pac in the face in the corner but misses a middle rope elbow. Conway puts a sleeper on Gallows but they both fall to the floor. The sleeper wasn’t broken though and Gallows is put to sleep. Conway goes back in to try to do the same to Pac but X-Pac rolls him up for the pin.

Rating: D+. This wasn’t terrible but it just came and went. Gallows is as generic of a big man as you can get and Conway is just there, which is why he’s an OVW legend and not much else. The match was as typical of a three way as you could ever ask for. Nothing special at all here though, which might as well be the name of the show.

We recap Corporal Robinson vs. Vampiro. They were friends, Vampiro came into the ring when Robinson won his fourth title and kicked Robinson’s head off. This is something about Robinson proving himself, despite having two title reigns that have gone over two years already. Robinson says this is his life, unlike Vampiro where it’s like the fourth biggest thing on his list. Vampiro says that’s exactly like ICP and they’re doing fine. Both of these guys are in the Juggalo World Order which is the big stable which hasn’t been mentioned until this promo.

JCW World Title: Corporal Robinson vs. Vampiro

Robinson is defending if that wasn’t clear. They shake hands to start and finally lock up. Before anything can get going, here’s Evil Dead for no apparent reason. He gets in the ring and drills the referee as the other two guys get in each others’ faces. Evil Dead DDTs both guys and leaves. This is happening…..why exactly?

Robinson and Vampiro slug it out from their knees which takes a good while. Robinson shoulders him down but gets kicked in the face a second later to give Vampiro control again. Robinson comes back again and tries his finisher called Boot Camp (cobra clutch legsweep) but Vampiro escapes. A neckbreaker gets two for the champion as does a superkick from Vampiro. Vampiro’s chokeslam is broken up and apparently it’s almost 5:00am. Good grief.

A tornado DDT gets two for Robinson as they’re in the problem most indy matches have: they have no idea how to tell a story in the ring and it’s just a string of moves with nothing between them. Vampiro flips off the fans to go heel I guess, and walks into a dragon screw leg whip for his efforts. Robinson puts on a quick leglock but Vamp gets to a rope. The Corporal brings in a chair but Vampiro kicks his knee out just in time.

Vampiro loads up something off the top but gets pulled down into a Tree of Woe. We get the Tommy Dreamer running dropkick into the chair into the guy in the Tree of Woe’s face for two. Vampiro comes back with a kind of Van Daminator and Robinson is busted open. It’s table time now because what would a main event be without one of those? Off to a chinlock by Vampiro so he can bite the cut a bit.

The table is set up in the corner and Vampiro goes after the cut on Robinson’s head. Robinson is sent face first into the chair but Vampiro walks around too much and gets suplexed down for two. Robinson goes up but misses a legdrop to bring things to a halt again. Chokeslam from Vampiro gets two, followed by a Robinson powerbomb and Boot Camp for the pin to retain. The table was never used.

Rating: C-. This went WAY too long which brings it down a bit. Somehow this match was almost twenty minutes long and about four minutes of that was spent on laying around. I have no idea what the point of Evil Dead was but it came and went and didn’t change anything. Not a terrible match or anything and it was fine for a main event on a show of this caliber.

The locker room comes out to celebrate with Robinson as Vampiro leaves. He finally comes back to celebrate to end the show.

Overall Rating: D. This certainly wasn’t the worst show I’ve ever seen but it’s nothing I’d ever want to see more of. JCW started off as basically a parody of wrestling with things like the announcers saying this match sucks so let’s watch a different one and then they would actually change over to another match or the ICP declaring themselves the winners because they own the company and they’ll fire anyone that beats them. Instead this was just a run of the mill indy show with absolutely nothing memorable or different at all. That being said, the show cost five bucks so it’s really hard to complain.

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