Monday Night Raw – July 16, 2007 (2021 Redo): It Defies The Very Nature Of The Monarchy

Monday Night Raw
Date: July 16, 2007
Location: American Bank Center, Corpus Christi, Texas
Attendance: 7,000
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

It’s the go home show for the Great American Bash and that means we need to finalize some of the card. The show’s main event is set as Bobby Lashley will challenge John Cena for the Raw World Title, but there are still a few things that can be added. Maybe we can even get an interesting card together. Let’s get to it.

Here are last week’s results if you need a recap.

Opening sequence.

We open with HHH’s King of Kings theme, but it’s King Booker and Queen Sharmell coming out instead. Booker thinks you might have been expecting someone else, but suggesting that HHH is the King of Kings is blasphemy. There is one King on Raw and it is NOT HHH. Therefore, as of right now, HHH is stripped of the name king, leaving Booker alone as the King. Well save for one person, which sends Booker over to Jerry Lawler.

Booker has respected him for many, many (of) years but now he wants Lawler to drop the King name. Lawler says he’s been a fan of Booker for many years, but he has been the King for thirty years and thinks they can co-exist. That’s not cool with Booker because it DEFIES THE VERY NATURE OF MONARCHY! Booker wants Lawler to kiss his ring, but that is a flat out no. You don’t tell Booker no so he ORDERS Lawler to do it instead. Still a no, so Booker is ready to fight, only to get punched down. Referees break it up and I think we have a match for later. Lawler looked fired up here and the fans seemed into it.

Ric Flair picks John Cena over Bobby Lashley. This goes on a bit longer than it needs to.

Jeff Hardy vs. William Regal vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Santino Marella

Elimination rules and the winner gets an Intercontinental Title shot against Umaga at Great American Bash. Hardy and Benjamin go to the floor to start, leaving Santino to cross armbreaker Regal to the ropes. The other two get back in with Shelton suplexing Santino for two, allowing Regal to knee Santino in the head for the fast pin. Benjamin goes after Regal but has to catch Hardy in an electric chair.

We take a break and come back with Hardy taking a double suplex for a double two. Benjamin and Regal get into a fight because they’re kind of schnooks, including Regal suplexing him down. The villains ram heads, leaving Jeff to unload on Regal in the corner. The slingshot dropkick misses though and Regal gets to hammer away again.

A missed charge goes badly though as Hardy grabs the Twist of Fate to get us down to two. Benjamin is right back up with the Blockbuster for two of his own but Hardy sends him outside for the slingshot dive. Back in and the Swanton misses but Hardy kicks out anyway. Benjamin grabs a piledriver, which is reversed into a quick rollup to give Hardy the pin (that was kind of sudden so I wonder if something was changed on the fly there).

Rating: C. The ending was a bit odd but moving Hardy into this spot is a good idea. He and Marella were the only realistic options and I don’t think anyone is overly interested in another Marella vs. Umaga match. Hardy is the kind of guy you can get behind in a hurry and that should work out fine for Sunday.

Edge picks John Cena.

Randy Orton is ready to destroy Cody Rhodes. Look at what he did to Shawn Michaels and imagine what he can do to Cody. Then imagine what he’s going to do to Dusty Rhodes on Sunday. Orton wants Dusty there ringside so he can get a preview.

Maria tries to console Santino Marella, who talks about watching Transformers yesterday. He feels like he doesn’t belong here….but spending the night with her could help him. Maria seems game, mainly due to the offer of pancakes the next morning.

Batista picks Bobby Lashley.

Snitsky likes to hurt people.

Snitsky vs. Val Venis

Snitsky powers him down to start with the shoulders and clotheslines. The pumphandle slam is good for the fast pin on Venis.

Post match, Snitsky hits another pumphandle slam for good measure.

Cody Rhodes talks about how proud he is of his dad and knows he could never be a bigger star than Dusty. There is no RKO that can slow down and he’s ready for Orton.

Here is Jerry Lawler in the ring to explain the Texas Bullrope match. Lawler goes over the rules, including the things he has seen Dusty Rhodes do to people in this match before. Cue Randy Orton to cut him off though….and doesn’t actually do anything. This is something Lawler should do more often, as he can explain things well and is someone fans will listen to.

Video on Randy Orton ending some careers.

Cody Rhodes vs. Randy Orton

This is Cody’s in-ring debut and Dusty Rhodes is in his corner. Cody jumps over him in the corner to start but gets blasted by a clothesline for his efforts. Orton takes too much time yelling at Dusty so Cody can start the comeback, only to miss a crossbody. There’s the powerslam into a knee drop as Orton is getting into a more serious mode. A snap suplex sets up the chinlock before Orton can hammer away again. Cody manages a shot to the face though and a missile dropkick gets two (with a big reaction from the crowd). The backbreaker cuts Cody off though and it’s the RKO for the fast pin.

Rating: C-. It wasn’t much more than a squash, but that’s all it should have been. Cody is in his first match on Raw so what would you expect him to be able to do to someone like Orton here? Orton wasn’t even all that evil here but he never felt like he was in any serious danger. This went as it should have and it could have been a lot worse, as Cody does seem to have been well trained.

Post match, Dusty comes in to check on Cody but glares at Orton for teasing the Punt.

Steve Austin picks John Cena.

Melina vs. Mickie James

Beth Phoenix and Candice Michelle are here too. Melina glares at Candice so Mickie rolls her up for a fast two. Back up and Mickie sends her face first into the corner but a Beth distraction lets Melina score with a kick to the ribs. A neck crank keeps Mickie in trouble but she fights up and grabs a neckbreaker for two. Mickie’s hurricanrana out of the corner has Melina rocked but Beth grabs Mickie’s leg. That’s enough for Melina to hit the standing legdrops for the fast pin.

Rating: C. This was a fine way to build Melina back up to the next title match as now Candice might have to worry about Beth as well. Mickie is bulletproof in this division so having Melina beat her while cheating is hardly a horrible situation. Not exactly a must see match, but it got things ready for the Great American Bash.

Smackdown Rebound.

William Regal comes up to Jim Duggan (what a pair), who gives us some fast catchphrases. Coach has sent Regal to get the 2×4 because he wants it bronzed. Duggan says no one puts his hands on his hardware, sending them into a series of innuendos (being down on knees and wood in hand are mentioned). Ron Simmons comes in for the catchphrase and Regal does his disgusted face.

Mick Foley picks Bobby Lashley.

Carlito vs. Sandman

Sandman goes technical to start with a wristlock and manages to take Carlito down. Back up and Carlito slugs away, even busting Sandman open a bit. The neck crank goes on but Sandman fights up without much trouble. Cue William Regal (who Sandman took out last week) to jump Sandman for the DQ.

Post match Jim Duggan makes the save to actually pay off the earlier segment. I wouldn’t have bet on that one.

JBL picks John Cena.

Mr. Kennedy vs. Super Crazy

Fallout from Crazy stealing a pin on Kennedy a few weeks ago in the Beat The Clock Challenge. Kennedy shoves him into the corner to start but Crazy comes out with a spinwheel kick. Crazy hammers away in the corner until a forearm cuts that off in a hurry. They slug it out again until Kennedy goes to the eyes for a breather. The abdominal stretch goes on but Crazy escapes and slugs away again, including a running clothesline. Back to back moonsaults look to set up a third, only to have Kennedy crotch him on top. A reverse superplex finishes Crazy off.

Rating: C. Another short and to the point match here to blow off the mini feud. Crazy got a nice rub out of the whole thing but ultimately there is only so far for him to go. Kennedy is likely on his way back to the main event scene so there was no reason to not give him this win. I’m not sure what is next for him, but a win over Crazy at least gives him some momentum.

Great American Bash rundown.

Here is Coach to emcee the Bobby Lashley vs. John Cena face off. Coach lists off the people Cena has beaten and asks why Cena believes he can survive. Yes, Cena, with some fake tears, feels that his title reign could end because Lashley speared him a few weeks ago. And even worse: he never learned to read! We get the Billy Madison “I award you no points” line before Cena gets serious with Lashley.

Cena has fought the best and won and lost, but Lashley will get his best. Lashley isn’t into talking and turns over his podium but Coach cuts them off. That’s too much for Lashley, who goes after Coach, only to have Cena tell him to focus on what matters. They do the big showdown but referees get Lashley to the back. Cena promises to test Lashley on Sunday so here is Lashley again, meaning the brawl is on to end the show. This was a pretty by the book segment but it worked, partially due to Cena’s energy.

Overall Rating: C+. There wasn’t much in the way of wrestling here but they made me want to see more than one match at the pay per view. Cena vs. Lashley went from big to epic in a hurry so points for doing what they do well. I’m looking forward to the pay per view and that’s a lot more important than having a good match on Raw.

 

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and head over to my Amazon author page with 30 different cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

AND

Remember to check out Wrestlingrumors.net for all of your wrestling headline needs.

 




Survivor Series Count-Up – 1996 (2012 Redo): The Blue Chip

Survivor Series 1996
Date: November 17, 1996
Location: Madison Square Garden, New York City, New York
Attendance: 18,647
Commentators: Jim Ross, Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler

Team Furnas and Lafon vs. Team Owen Hart/British Bulldog

Doug Furnas, Phillip Lafon, Godwinns

Owen Hart, British Bulldog, New Rockers

Kevin Kelly is in the boiler room with Mankind, who he abandoned Undertaker for at Summerslam. Tonight the huge rivalry continues with Bearer locked in a small cage above the ring. This is when Mankind was still relatively new (he debuted about six and a half months before this) and no one knew what to make of him yet. All anyone knew was he could beat up Undertaker which was unheard of at the time.

Mankind vs. Undertaker

Bearer has to be locked in the small cage. This is a Cornette Special. Taker lowers down from the rafters in what can only be called a Batman costume minus the mask. Taker also has on a new attire for this, which is basically a biker vest and leather pants. That would become his standard look for the next three years or so. Mankind rams him into the small cage to start and they head to the floor very quickly.

We head to the floor for the third time via a Cactus Clothesline and they head into the crowd. Mankind charges at Taker but gets backdropped over the barricade and onto the concrete. A low blow puts Taker down on the apron and down onto the floor, where Mankind hits the elbow off the apron. Taker gets sent into the buckle but comes back with an elbow to the face.

Old School hits but Mankind pops up and hits a double arm DDT to put Taker down. Mankind goes up but jumps into a chokeslam. The Claw goes on but Taker chokeslams him anyway. Cool spot. Taker tries a cross body but he crashes over the top and out to the floor. Mankind tries a flip dive off the apron but crashes just as badly as Taker did. Back in and Mankind tries a quick sleeper, only to be suplexed down by Taker.

Sunny (still smoking hot and not smoking crack here) comes out for commentary.

Team Hunter Hearst Helmsley vs. Team Marc Mero

Hunter Hearst Helmsley, Jerry Lawler, Goldust, Crush

Marc Mero, Jake Roberts, The Stalker, Rocky Maivia

Bret says MSG is holy ground for him.

Steve Austin vs. Bret Hart

Austin escapes a backbreaker with a rake of the eyes as momentum shifts again. Bret gets sent to the floor and Austin just pounds on him with forearms and punches. Austin rams him back first into the post as the attacks shifts to the back. Bret comes back by sending him into the barricade, breaking the thing apart. They head into the front row and knock the barricade over. Austin is in trouble again and Bret chases him to the other side of the ring.

Sid is ready for Shawn tonight.

Team Farrooq vs. Team Yokozuna

Farrooq, Vader, Razor Ramon, Diesel

Yokozuna, Flash Funk, Savio Vega, Jimmy Snuka

WWF World Title: Shawn Michaels vs. Sycho Sid

Shawn avoids a charge into the corner and goes after the knee some more. Sid kicks him into the ropes and Shawn skins the cat, but Sid clotheslines him right to the floor. Shawn gets dropped on the barricade which gets two back inside. Sid hits a few running kicks to the head in the corner as things slow down again. Michaels avoids a charge in the corner and goes up, with the fans openly booing him now.

The champ dives into a backbreaker for two and Shawn can barely get up. Shawn fights up and turns it into a slugout with Sid going down. We get the always stupid looking jump into the boot spot and Sid puts on a cobra clutch. Shawn fights up and walks into a chokeslam. The place is exploding for Sid here. The powerbomb is countered into a small package for two but Sid gets the same off a powerslam.

Shawn scrambles to the back to check on Jose.

Ratings Comparison

Team Furnas and Lafon vs. Team Owen Hart and British Bulldog

Original: B-

Redo: C+

Undertaker vs. Mankind

Original: C+

Redo: B

Team Hunter Hearst Helmsley vs. Team Marc Mero

Original: D

Redo: C+

Bret Hart vs. Steve Austin

Original: A+

Redo: A+

Team Farrooq vs. Team Yokozuna

Original: D-

Redo: F

Sycho Sid vs. Shawn Michaels

Original: C-

Redo: B

Overall Rating

Original: B-

Redo: B+

Like I said, I liked it better than I rememebred.

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2011/11/15/history-of-survivor-series-count-up-1996-bret-vs-austin-the-prequel-and-rock-debuts/

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and head over to my Amazon author page with 30 different cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

AND

Remember to check out Wrestlingrumors.net for all of your wrestling headline needs.




Survivor Series Count-Up – 1996 (Original): For The First Time

Survivor Series 1996
Date: November 17, 1996
Location: Madison Square Garden, New York City, New York
Attendance: 18,647
Commentators: Vince McMahon, Jim Ross

Now you can see the Attitude Era being born at this show, and it comes from one man: Stone Cold Steve Austin. Shawn Michaels is the WWF Champion, having won it at Mania 12. After beating Bret Hart, Bret left the company for six months and in that time, Austin won the King of the Ring and uttered the most legendary catchphrase of all time: Austin 3:16.

He then began calling out Hart, saying that he didn’t care what Hart had done, because Hart couldn’t beat Austin on Hart’s best day. That’s one of your main events. Your other is Shawn vs. Sid for the title. Yeah that’s kind of an afterthought here. We have our standard Survivor Series matches as well, with the debut of one of the biggest stars of all time here. I haven’t seen this show all the way through in years but it looks very good. Let’s see if it is.

We start off by seeing a big recap of how the WWF has been taking over New York, including the Hall of Fame inductions which they don’t even mention who was inducted so that should tell you how important it was. This was actually pretty good. I’m actually looking forward to this one.

Owen Hart/British Bulldog/New Rockers vs. Furnace/Lafon/Godwins

We immediately start it up here and Lawler is on commentary for this match only. That was a weird part to the show. Anyway, the New Rockers are heels here and it’s Marty Jannetty and Leif Cassidy, more commonly known as Al Snow. Now I’ve heard a lot about how great Furnace and Lafon are, but I’ve never seen it. They’re not bad at all, but they’re average to me. Maybe I’m wrong. I’ll give them another chance as I have no reason at all to hate them yet.

Oh apparently on the Free For All which was the preshow that anyone could watch, Bart Gunn was the survivor in a match. That’s a really bad sign for the rest of the evening. This is Furnace and Lafon’s WWF debut but they’re big stars in Japan. Ok then. The Godwinns have Hillbilly Jim and therefore are ridiculously popular. Like I’ve said, he’s one of those guys that was popular for a variety of reasons, but the biggest was that he never overstayed his welcome.

That’s something that a lot of unserious characters today need to get. Also, not all characters are going to be main event guys. Look at Kofi for example. Is anyone going to buy him as a main event wrestler? In the ring yes but not with that gimmick, and that’s fine.

Anyway, on to the match. We start with Lafon vs. Jannetty so already Lafon is the bigger name. Marty is just such an epic fail as a heel it’s unbelievable. Lafon isn’t bad at all. He’s not great but I’m not bored with him or anything. Now it’s over to Phineas, more commonly known as Mideon. All of a sudden I’d love to have Lafon back in there. Snow is really quite underrated. It’s a shame he always got such insane gimmicks.

The heels all beat on Mideon which gets a bit repetitive. The problem with this match is getting clearer and clearer: there is a complete lack of star power out there. I have no desire to see these guys wrestle each other at all. Ross is getting very heel-esque here with a lot of his lines. I’m assuming another failed attempt at making him a character would be coming soon. It never worked at all yet Vince did it like three times.

Marty and Henry go out within 10 seconds of each other, the first to a Slop Drop (Scorpion Death Drop) and Henry to a spinning heel kick by Owen. Well that was quick and not incredibly painful I suppose. Phineas has one of his weird fits where he becomes unstoppable and somehow even worse than he usually was. It’s very similar to Festus after the bell ringing. What is it with hillbillies and moods like that? It’s rather stupid.

Anyway, he walks into the powerslam from Davey and it’s 3-2. Furnace comes in and botches a dropkick. I’m not sure whose fault that was, but Bulldog was supposed to hold the ropes I think. Furnace landed on Bulldog’s back. It looked odd and was clearly a blown spot. Owen lands a Perfectplex. That’s just odd to see.

JR asks if he’s the only one thinking here as the referees are messing up by having the outside referee do nothing at all. Vince sounds so utterly bored that it’s downright laughable. Upon me actually thinking, Ross was indeed in the middle of a heel angle here. Considering it took me 10 minutes to remember that, you can tell how effective it was. Lafon hits a sick looking reverse suplex from the middle rope to end Cassidy and it’s the tag champions against Furnace and Lafon.

Bulldog hits a nip up. That was surprising. Ross says he looks strong. That…doesn’t make much since. The heels beat up on the faces for awhile until we get a slugfest between Lafon and Bulldog. In a perfectly fluid moment, Bulldog casually kicks him in the balls. That was a sweet heel move. Ross of course screams how awful the referees are.

Lafon gets Bulldog with a quick rollup to make it 2-1 and I think we can see the ending coming already. Owen gets the Sharpshooter as Ross is really getting annoying. Furnace breaks it up. Both guys are down after a sweet looking spin kick by Lafon to counter Owen. Furnace is in and he’s pretty good. He hits a bad release German suplex though where you can see that Owen’s head doesn’t actually hit the mat as he flips over. It was bad looking but most people won’t notice that so it’s fine.

Rating: B-. I’m not sure if I get the point of this match. I know it was to get Furnace and Lafon over, but did it need the other four guys? This could easily have been just a regular tag match, maybe non title or have ended with the heels running away etc. The wrestling was ok, but I found it to be overkill.

A certain rookie is nervous but ready. That takes two minutes to say.

We go to the boiler room with Mankind and Paul Bearer who say Taker won’t get their hands on Bearer. Foley had this character at a completely scary level.

Mankind vs. Undertaker

The catch here is that Bearer is in a cage above the ring. This was a white hot feud at the time as Mankind was a different kind of opponent for Taker for one reason: he might have been able to take a bigger beating than Taker which was unheard of. No matter how much he beat on him, Taker couldn’t get rid of Mankind. They traded wins in gimmick matches and regular matches, but Taker just can’t end him. That’s a nice touch and change of pace.

This is I think their 4th match on PPV. Bearer won’t get in and Ross thinks that it’s because he can’t fit in it. The gong goes off and the people freak out. Considering this is being written the night after Breaking Point, allow me: YOU TAPPED OUT! YOU TAPPED OUT! YOU TAPPED OUT! Oh that felt good. Anyway, his entrance is over the top even for him. He comes down from the rafters with his arms spread and his cape, yes it’s a cape, out behind him.

Yes, it’s the Undertaker imitating Batman. Just picture that for a minute. Where’s Doink when we need him? Did I really just say that? See what this show is doing to me and we’re 30 minutes into it. Bearer hides in the cage as we get underway. There’s a cage cam and Ross is way too excited about it. Taker’s outfit looks like it’s leather and shiny. Taker is not only Batman but apparently a dominatrix.

This was the very beginning of a new phase in Taker’s career as he began shifting more towards the evil monster and more demonic of a character. He shows this transformation by using a drop toe hold. He then goes to a wrist lock and then a Fujiwara Armbar. This is just odd to see. Taker is going after Mankind’s hand, which makes perfect sense due to the leathalness of the Mandible Claw. Taker misses an elbow and is up before Mankind. That’s just sweet.

Taker’s outfit reminds me of Rocky Horror for some reason. Ross hypes up a show in London for no good reason. He sounds like he did in WCW which is odd indeed. We hit the crowd which Ross calls the streets. Yeah that looks like a place people drive Jimbo. Back in the ring, we go to a wider shot that just looks odd. You can see the first two rows on either side instead of the usual closer standard shot. Taker bites the fingers used for the claw.

Call me stupid, but wouldn’t that be like asking for the hold to be put on you? The fingers are there, so why doesn’t Mankind just put the hold on? It sounds simple to me, but I’m no professional I guess. I’ll try to find a new catchphrase as I’m growing tired of that. He fights off the Claw as Ross won’t shut up about the freaking cage cam. The random painted on tear drop on Taker’s cheek is just odd.

Mankind finally hits the Claw for about a second but Mankind is launched to the floor to break it up. I don’t ever recall two guys this big doing bumps this hard for this long of a feud. That’s quite impressive, and the scary thing is their biggest match was nearly two years away at this point. As Piper would say, Old School is cool. I wonder if he liked Will Ferrell.

Foley goes up and Taker just starts popping him with big punches that sound sick. He sets for a chokeslam but the Claw breaks that up. Vince keeps calling the chokeslam the Goozle. What in the world is that? It sounds like a screwed up version of Google. Eventually he breaks it and chokeslams Mankind. Why didn’t he just bite him like he did earlier? Have some consistency please, I beg of you. Mankind misses a forward roll to the floor.

If he had done a barrel roll he would have hit it. Vince, stop suggesting things. I would suggest you shut up immediately. Who told you that you could commentate well? I want them shot. Foley has some weird spike thing. It sounds like he’s saying s a t. I never got the point of his babbling but I liked it. It added a weird something to his character that made him somehow even more insane, if that’s possible.

Anyway, as Mankind pounds on him, Taker just casually picks him up and tombstones him to end this. That was abrupt. Bearer is lowered down but the Executioner runs out to save Paul. He gets the quickest beating ever as the heels all leave. This led to a one off bad match between the two at an In Your House where Taker beat him up with relative ease.

Rating: C+. This wasn’t one of their better matches. That’s the problem that these two had: they had to top their last match every time and eventually they’d have something like this. It’s a good match, but by comparison it’s not much at all. Either way, this was pretty good I guess. It’s certainly passable, but the ending came from absolutely nowhere, which isn’t something I tend to like. Still, this was fine.

Sunny comes out for commentary on the next match because she has boobs. That is a very catchy song.

HHH’s Team vs. Marc Mero’s Team

Mero: Stalker (Barry Windham), Jake Roberts, Rocky Maivia

HHH: Crush, Goldust, Jerry Lawler

HHH is Intercontinental Champion here, which he would soon lose to Rocky. This is Rocky’s debut with the company and he’s just SO happy to be here. That would become his gimmick: he’s getting beaten up a lot, but he’s happy to be here. Eventually he would win the IC belt, and he was still happy. He lost it and he wouldn’t stop smiling. Then the crowd told him to die, and a gimmick change was needed.

The Rock was born and the rest is pure history, as opposed to unpure history which isn’t pure. We get a quick interview from the heels which is all standard stuff. Lawler’s music is so freaking snobbish that it’s awesome. He would more or less retire soon after this and just become an announcer. Ross says he is having a hard time getting a raise from Vince. That’s just weird to hear this early. HHH’s belt is white as apparently he’s channeling Warrior.

Sunny and Ross get into it as Sunny points out there’s no woman with HHH. Ross of course is pissed off at this because that’s what Ross does. He doesn’t have his hat either. Ross as a heel is just awful because he’s a whiny little an. Stalker is wearing a WWF t-shirt. I have no idea what this gimmick was supposed to be, but it completely failed. Mark Henry was supposed to be on the face team, but he’s been replaced by Jake Roberts.

I guess Mero was captain leading into this? Roberts was doing the preacher thing at this point and has the big yellow snake out. Jake’s music never got old to me. He did but his music didn’t. The alcohol jokes begin already. These intros are taking WAY too long. We cut to a shot outside the arena for no apparent reason other than to say we’re LIVE.

We start (finally) with Mero and Lawler. Windham has a handlebar porn star mustache going on. It’s blonde, making it look very creepy indeed. Ok, no contact is made and Stalker is tagged in. I hate this match already. Lawler tags out. Stalker tags Mero which makes HHH run. There has still been zero contact. Sunny is talking about how downloaded she is and HOLY CRAP THEY’RE FIGHTING! Apparently Mr. Perfect is gone again as Helmsely threw him out or something.

Now it’s Stalker who is sloppy beyond belief. Oddly enough he’s a former world champion. Dang there’s a lot of gold in this. Ok so it’s just HHH and Rocky that had a lot but they make up for the rest. Again, Mero gets tagged in and HHH runs. This is just stupid. I get that it’s a heel tactic, but I want to see some wrestling, not a track meet. Why is Crush in this match? I don’t get it.

He would be joining the Nation soon enough, but at this point he has zero going on for him. I have no idea why he’s in this match either. Rocky vs. Lawler now, and good grief he looks awesome. You could tell they were going to push him to the freaking moon. He gets called Dwayne Johnson here, which I don’t think ever happened again. On to Rock vs. HHH, and the idea that they would steal the freaking show in less than two years in this arena blows my mind.

Everybody gets to beat on Rocky for awhile as Sunny apparently wants a piece of Rocky. Ross makes a reference to Crush being in jail and Vince doesn’t like it. Crush was a dark horse to be WWF Champion and he got sent to jail for weapons issues, throwing Vince’s plans off. If nothing else he would have won the IC Title or have gotten a huge push.

Sunny says Vince wears a toupee which amuses me. Rocky finally gets Jake in and the crowd pops hard. After a brief beatdown and some tasteless Lawler jokes, the DDT makes it 4-3 with Jerry being gone. Considering HHH would be in DX in a year, hearing Ross say he’s all business makes me laugh.

Windham comes in and gets less than no reaction. I mean the crowd is dead. Soon afterwards the Curtain Call ties it up. Finally the captains go at it as this match is just bad. Nothing interesting is happening at all and it’s just plodding through it. Rocky’s debut is the only reason for this match to exist. I just noticed something VERY weird. I downloaded a torrent of this show, but it’s clipped. It’s a tape of a British broadcast of it on Sky.

I found another version online, but the commentary is different. On the British version, there’s a lot of dead air time. On the American version, Sunny is insulting Sable. The rest of her commentary is there, but not all of it. That’s just very odd indeed. I’m assuming that it’s due to something to do with it being in the UK, but I honestly don’t know. That’s interesting if nothing else. Don Muraco is here. That’s just awesome.

Actually it’s not as Muraco is really overrated. This is just dull. It’s nothing but filler stuff here as they I guess have to fill their time quota. We go split screen to look at Sunny. Somehow that’s more interesting than a twenty something minute match. Mero puts out HHH with a moonsault. Oh wait, it’s a Merosault. I wouldn’t want him to speak out against me. Mero botches a flip over the ropes and crashes, leading to a Heart Punch from Crush to make it 2-2.

Less than thirty seconds later, another Heart Punch (which clearly hits Jake in the jaw) puts Roberts out. Well at least the most talented face is left. Sunny makes 2-1 jokes. So let me see: 2 midcard jobbers vs. a rookie hotshot. Hmm I wonder how this is going to end.

The Heart Punch misses and hits Goldust and a cross body beats Crush. A shoulderbreaker ends it as that was the perfect ending. A Coliseum Video Exclusive Interview says he knew he could do it. He’s really weak on the mic here, but it’s his first night so that’s completely excusable.

Rating: D. This was just boring. However, since it’s Rock’s debut, it’s certainly something that people should take a look at maybe once. He looked great out there in his first match in the big leagues and there was no sign of being nervous. The win was perfect because it didn’t make the bigger star, Goldust, look weak because Crush, another big star, did the damage that led to his elimination. As for the other six, it was a waste of 20 minutes.

We hit the recap of Austin vs. Bret and this looks great. The idea is simple: Bret represents tradition and old school, Austin represents the opposite. Austin calls him out repeatedly, and this is the showdown. That’s as basic as it gets. Apparently this is a #1 contender match also.

Austin says he’ll win.

Bret Hart vs. Steve Austin

The fans are starting to cheer Austin a bit. Bret says that he’s here for respect. JR says that he’d love to see this come down to a submission style match. Either he knew what was coming in 6 months or he’s a wrestling genius. Vince must have told him. Anyway, Bret gets a very good pop. It explodes when he hits the arena. The fireworks go off and you know this is going to be freaking epic to say the least.

The opening staredown looks like something out of a movie as the camera is positioned so that only their faces can be seen. Austin backs up and his face is replaced by his two middle fingers. That’s absolutely perfect. Ross AGAIN talks about how this is going to come down to a submission and says neither have tapped. That’s nonsense as Austin had tapped to a Sharpshooter on a tour in Kuwait that was taped before this match happened, but it’s WWF so it’s ok.

Why can’t this end in a pin? I don’t get that at all. Vince mentions someone putting the Sharpshooter on Bret and him tapping to it. This is either the most predictable company in wrestling history, or Vince made a lot of long term plans. Bret had been saying that Austin was the best wrestler in the world leading up to this match, and they start on the ground. That’s interesting to see from Austin.

He’s considered to be nothing but a brawler, but he doesn’t get nearly enough credit for what he can do on the mat. Vince tries desperately to convince us that Austin’s athleticism is the reason he’s getting cheered.

He just wouldn’t accept that the fans were changing and it nearly buried him. Ross says that Hart has done everything in Madison Square Garden other than beat Austin. Ok wait a minute. So, the only thing he hasn’t done is beat Austin? Has he beaten HHH? Rocky? How about has he staged a Broadway revival of Porgy and Bess? Apparently he has since the only thing he hasn’t done here is beat Austin.

Stone Cold is doing some SWEET mat work here, but Ross refuses to give him credit for it, saying he’s just brawling. You know, I hate Jim Ross. I think I always have. He’s this smug jerk that thinks because he’s been in wrestling forever that he’s owed something. Screw you Jim Ross. Grow up already. All you do is cheer for your friends and the people that kiss up to you backstage and other than that you’re just a pissed off, grumpy old man.

You sit around whining and complaining about how no one respects you and how you’re just doing your job. No you fat tub of goo. Your job is to call wrestling matches, not to be this son of a gun that tries to be the show. I don’t care how many freaking historic moments you’ve called, I don’t care how many times you’ve been named announcer of the year, I don’t care what you’ve had to put up with.

No announcer is more important than any wrestler and you need to get off your soapbox and do your job like an adult should. Until then, stop wasting my time. ANYWAY, now that I’ve ranted against JR a bit, I’ll get back to the match. JR (dang it) says that Bret has been obsessed with Austin for years. Wait, what? Austin had only been in the company like a year and a half at this point.

So wait, Bret was obsessed with a guy that wasn’t even in this company yet and was a rookie when Bret was already a veteran? See why I can’t stand Ross? Half the time he doesn’t even make sense. As Ross continues to complain about how he’s not respected, I’m tempted to mute this thing. According to Vince, Bret isn’t being offensive or defensive. Then what the heck is he being? Swiss?

Tomorrow there’s a toughman contest with Austin and Vader. This would be more commonly known as a hardcore match eventually. Ross keeps going with this stupid submission theory, despite Vince talking about how the Stunner is devastating. Austin’s psychology here is off the charts.

This is Bret’s first match in 7 months, so he’s using a lot of wear down moves to make Bret expend energy. That’s very smart indeed. Austin is doing stuff like fast covers one after another, Irish whips, things like that. They’re doing a very slow pace here, which I think is the way to go. They’re doing the slow build here, which is the right thing to do. It’s an older mentality that needs to make a comeback.

They’re into the crowd a bit as a simple throw breaks the barricade. It’s great to see how impressive the security is here. Now it’s completely down and there’s nothing keeping the fans from running into the ring. Austin fights back and gets a slingshot on Bret who hits the table but doesn’t go through it. Now we’re in a higher gear, but after the build they had it works a lot better. Ross comments on how it always happens to the Spanish guys. Oh how little he knows.

They do two more spots on the table and the freaking thing won’t break. That’s a tough table. The fans are all over this too. Ross says Vince needs to realize that it’s not 91 or 94 in this arena. Jim, I think Bret knows what year it is. So he wouldn’t want to get an upset win after getting beaten on forever? He would rather lose? You just make my head hurt. Austin hates the fans apparently. Geez Ross is talking about the submission thing again.

Where was this talking at Mania? Bret steals an Austin move with a stun gun. Why that little thief. He follows it up with one of the sweetest piledrivers I’ve ever seen. That was great. Bret goes up top for the second time in the match and this time it doesn’t work. We get some WOO chops, which surprises me as I would have thought it was too far north for that. Austin follows with a top rope suplex as these guys are freaking killing each other out there.

He hits the Stunner but pulls Bret away from the ropes which gives Bret the chance to kick out and Austin is PISSED. He puts a Texas Cloverleaf on instead but Bret gets the ropes. Bret almost gets the Sharpshooter but Austin is out.

Austin locks on the Million Dollar Dream, but Bret gets his feet on the turnbuckle (his feet touched the ropes so the hold should have been broken but whatever) and kicks off, rolling over backwards for the pin. The crowd pops madly as Bret celebrates and Austin stares him down from ringside.

This match did a lot for both men. It showed that Bret still had it, while the announcers did a good enough job of pointing out how good Austin was. It also showed that Austin was indeed worthy of fighting in the main event as he had Bret on many occasions with Bret winning on a miracle at the end.

This along with the King of the Ring speech, the I Quit match and the Rock truck match are probably the combined reasons why Austin took the company over the top in a few years. Anyway, this is a classic and go find it. It’s worth the half hour.

We go to Doc in the back with Sid, who says that he’ll win. He’s just bad on the mic.

Lou Albano wanders out to the ring because I guess he got lost. He was inducted into the Hall of Fame last night. He’s going to do Spanish commentary apparently. Well ok then.

Vader’s Team vs. Yokozuna’s Team

Vader: Farrooq, Fake Razor/Fake Diesel

Yoko: Flash Funk, Savio Vega, Mystery Partner

Ross brought these two back into the company. Again, I have no clue what the point of this was. I’m guessing that it was supposed to be a joke or something, but at the moment the only joke was how low the ratings were. Fake Diesel is Kane by the way. Good grief how many characters did he have to play? Cornette is going to do commentary. Thank goodness. The Nation’s entrance with its own live rappers is just great.

Savio and Crush would soon join the team to make it the better version. Yoko weighs about 700lbs here and would be gone soon. Flash Funk’s girls, the Funkettes, were at least hot. I’m guessing this is his debut. Is there a need to have this match? Yeah it’s his debut. Why are we seeing this match? How was this not on the Free For All? He’s wearing yellow and red, which Ross says has never looked better in the Garden.

If you weren’t getting your face kicked in, that would be a great line. The mystery partner is Jimmy Snuka. Seriously? Cornette is PANICKING. So let me get this straight. We have a guy that wears 700lbs, a pimp, an old guy, and a career jobber vs. two fakes and a pair of former WCW Champions. Please, be quick. We start with Flash and Vader as apparently Snuka is a big deal.

He never won anything of worth and he’s old, yet he’s the best worker on his team. Let that sink in for a bit. Scratch that. 2 Cold Scorpio is better, but this is Flash Funk isn’t it? Never mind, Snuka takes it. I might as well not watch the match and just listen to Cornette. He’s miles more entertaining and interesting here.

Yoko comes in to stop Vader and it’s just embarrassing. All he can really do is punch and waddle. Farrooq is in his standard stuff now and looks far more intimidating. They really had something with him but they never pulled the trigger for some reason.

Ross says he could manage Vader better than Cornette. “You couldn’t manage a Wendy’s!” “I could if you were in town Cornette!” Can we just let Ross and Cornette argue all night long? Yoko’s tights might house a small city. Kane wrestling as Diesel is rather intriguing. Oddly enough, Kane uses the Punjabi Plunge on Funk, which is ironic at the moment since Kane has been feuding with Khali.

Funk is taking a beating here as Farrooq hits a SWEET spinebuster. Vader is called a great garbage man by Cornette which makes perfect sense in context. I’d write the line out but that would mean pausing the match and I don’t have enough heroin and cocaine to get me through the extra time. Snuka comes in and chops Kane. Snuka actually slams Vader with relative ease. That’s surprising.

Savio and Diesel are in now and shockingly, Vega botches a move, in this case the spinwheel kick, somehow going too high with it. Yes, he went too high on Kane. Diesel has to drop low early to get hit by it on the way down and it just looks awful. In other words, the kick was supposed to hit him at its highest point in the jaw. Instead Kane started falling before the foot did and the foot hit him on its way down, if that makes sense.

Savio goes out to a decent Jackknife. Not great, but since he rarely used it, not bad. Superfly Splash ends Razor, and then as Jimmy is celebrating, Kane blasts the tar out of him with a chair. In a botched moment, you can see Savio running through the door literally the second the chair connects, chair in hand.

The timing was off there but I get what they were going for. Anyway, everyone comes in and it’s a massive disqualification, so the match is over. Are you serious? At least we get some awesome chair shots in this brawl. Ross says it was a premature DQ. After two chair shots in front of the ref, it’s not enough. And you wonder why I can’t stand him.

Rating: D-. This was an absolute waste of 10 minutes. They couldn’t have done a quick…I don’t know…ANYWHING else but this? Let’s see. Vader wasn’t doing anything here, two guys are part of a big joke, Snuka is retired, one guy is debuting, one guy just got a gimmick change, and one has no story. Maybe this was the best they could do, but wouldn’t something like Funk vs. a jobber have worked better? The only reason this isn’t an F is Cornette.

Standard video package about Shawn vs. Sid. This has barely been touched on at all other than really basic stuff. The video package helped a bit.

WWF Title: Shawn Michaels vs. Sid

Sid’s pyro is just awesome. Shawn’s is ok but not as good. There’s a kid dressed as Shawn. Oh yay. Shawn’s stripping thing got old fast. It looks like he’s limping a bit. This was a weird time for him, as he was having great matches but they were just random challenges. His title reign was kind of like Kofi’s US Title reign actually. The standard fast Shawn match starts us out as while Shawn is great, he’s a formula guy at times, which is fine, but predictable.

It’s like seeing a great movie that you’ve seen the ending of. It’s still fun, but it’s not as great as the first time. Sid nips up as well as apparently that’s the move of the night. The announcers talk about Jose Lathario for awhile and Vince is clearly uninterested. Shawn starts working on the knees, which is a very smart move as the announcers agree on. Shawn is actually getting booed here, which is surprising. Shawn reminds me of Edge a bit.

He was the undisputed king of the midcard, but he’s not a great world champion. The fans are really hating this actually. Shawn with a figure four now as they compare Sid to Diesel. They get back up and Shawn hits the post. As he’s getting back up, Ross says the post is still standing but Shawn isn’t. Sid kicks him in the ribs which Vince calls a kick in the teeth. Sid is getting big pops. Is New York completely stoned or something?

His offense is chokeslam, punch, kick, powerbomb. What’s the appeal of that? How in the world would he be main eventing Wrestlemania 13? The fans are booing the heck out of Shawn, which the announcers try to pass off as something Shawn shouldn’t care about. Yes, the announcers say a face shouldn’t care about the fans. We follow that up by JR saying it’s great to get the cheers. This needs to end. This is just run of the mill Shawn stuff here and while it’s good, it’s just not great.

Granted that could be blamed on Sid and his complete suckage. Naturally, Shawn makes a big comeback, culminating in him winning a fist fight and slamming Sid, because that’s really impressive don’t you know. The booing is just funny at this point as he’s the total face and no one likes him at all. Now that this match is getting even more boring, Sid puts on a Cobra Clutch because his epically diverse offense has made him so tired.

Sid hits the chokeslam with one hand which surprises JR despite him doing the same thing to Razor last year. Shawn gets a counter to the powerbomb which I legitimately thought was in slow motion. In a spot that made me smile, Shawn nips up and Sid takes his head off with a clothesline. That was great. Sid grabs a camera, which should be the whole match: random camera shots. It would be more interesting than this.

Shawn is up, but the referee feels the need to look at Shawn for a minute and a half so Sid hits Jose with the camera. Shawn gets the kick, but he goes to check on the old man like a stupid face would. The referee goes down and Shawn hits the floor again as we have no help for the old man that’s clutching his chest.

As I type that, JR mentions he might be having a heart attack. Sid blasts Shawn with the camera, leading to the powerbomb and a new champion. As soon as the three hits, the medics get there for Jose. I love that.

Rating: C-. This was a good match, but dang I didn’t want to finish it. It just had no build to it and the title change made no sense. I get that Shawn wasn’t working as champion…but SID? That’s the best idea they can come up with? SID? I will never cease being amazed by the idiocy of some fans.

They cheered for freaking SID. This just had no interest at all and I don’t think many people would argue with me. Shawn would get the title back at the Rumble but then 3 weeks later lose his smile and forfeit it.

Overall Rating: B-. The opener is good enough, Mankind and Taker is certainly fine but it’s one of their weaker matches, the third match was historic but bad, the fourth is an absolute classic, the fifth is laughably bad, and the main event is just ok.

There’s one truly bad match here, as Rocky vs. HHH is enough to raise up the third match. The worst match is the shortest so that’s always good. Overall, this is another show where the good stuff is good and the bad stuff is bad, but it’s worthwhile overall. It’s far from great, but it’s not bad.

A lot of it drags on and on, but when the good stuff is on screen, it’s some of the best there is. It’s worth a quick look if you’re interested, but the Hart vs. Austin match is absolutely required viewing. It did a lot for both men and set up the mega match in 6 months. Overall, the good outweighs the bad here, so it’s somewhat recommended.

 

 

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and head over to my Amazon author page with 30 different cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

AND

Remember to check out Wrestlingrumors.net for all of your wrestling headline needs.




Survivor Series Count-Up – 1994 (Original): What About The Bulldog?

Survivor Series 1994
Date: November 23, 1994
Location: Freeman Coliseum, San Antonio, Texas
Attendance: 10,000
Commentators: Vince McMahon, Gorilla Monsoon

Given that commentary team, I’m a bit worried. Your main match here is Taker vs. Yoko in a rematch of the Rumble’s casket match where something like 10 guys beat up Taker and caused him to be taken out of the company for about three or four months. Tonight the guest referee is Chuck Norris. Nope I’m not making that up and I guarantee there will be a ton of jokes about it.

Other than that we have Bret Hart vs. Bob Backlund for the WWF Title which is an I Quit match where someone has to throw in the towel for you, which is how Backlund lost the title back in the early 80s. Other than that we have three Survivor Series matches which don’t look very appealing.

I think they finally got the balance right here with two singles matches that were huge and the rest were traditional matches. It looks ok on paper and since this is my second time reviewing it, I know it’s at least pretty good. Let’s see if it’s as good as it was four days ago.

We open with clips of all the teams getting pep talks from their leaders. Shawn is very cocky, which would come into play later on. Lawler is the only captain that doesn’t want a camera on these meetings. Since we’re in Texas, everyone is wearing a cowboy hat. Oh how I love these theme PPVs.

The announcers run down the card with Gorilla not being able to get a word in. Yep it’s going to be one of those kinds of nights. As Fink introduces the first team, he’s really hard to understand. If I didn’t know what to listen for I’d be completely lost here.

Teamsters vs. Bad Guys

Teamsters: Shawn Michaels, Diesel, Owen Hart, Jim Neidhart, Jeff Jarrett

Bad Guys: Razor Ramon, 1-2-3 Kid, British Bulldog, Fatu, Sionne

Sionne is the Barbarian replacing Samu. Your feuds line up like this: Razor vs. Diesel, since Razor took the IC belt from him about a month or so prior to this. That’s about it really. Oh Bulldog is there because of Owen and Neidhart. Other than that, yeah there’s no feuds or drama going on at all that I can remember. On the way to the ring, Shawn dives in front of Diesel to be in the spotlight. They’re tag champions at the time. Oh that’s right.

They took the belts from the Headshrinkers so that’s at least most of the team. Vince says that Survivor Series only comes once a year. Well yeah so does every other day of the year but we don’t have a freaking PPV for it. Although I have a feeling that if Vince could get away with it he’d try to. Gorilla trying to sound like a cowboy is rather amusing. Vince and Gorilla argue over who the captain is. Shawn is really turning into the heel that he would become famous as.

Gorilla is once again glad he retired. Did this guy hate his career or something? In a running story of this match, Fatu is having trouble with his new boots. He was barefoot for years and apparently wearing boots is a plot point to a match now. Yep that makes great sense. They mention that they can’t find Jarrett’s new CD anywhere as Gorilla continues his love affair with kayfabe.

You know, Barbarian really wasn’t that bad of a worker. He had more or less the same gimmick with a few minor tweaks for his entire career and he always managed to find work. Sure he’s generic but he stuck with his stuff and he got steady work out of it. That’s really all you can ask for isn’t it? We get Owen vs. Bulldog which is of course great. Owen is now the Rocket King. Yeah that’s not a weird name at all.

If there has ever been a match of two guys that could have been world champion but never could pull it off, this is it. Bulldog does that delayed suplex on Anvil which is rather impressive. The faces have momentum so naturally, they stop things dead for another foot issue with Fatu. Jarrett and Razor go at it for awhile, which was a very good feud actually.

Shawn’s hair is ridiculously short here. He almost looks like Rick Rude if that tells you anything. Jarrett really was good in the ring. For some reason people never took to him as a superstar. I think it was the singing thing. It’s sad to hear Gorilla not be able to get more than a few lines in at a time. Vince insists that he is the best commentator of all time and he’s going to make sure you know it too.

The heels do a lot of harmless standard stuff on the Kid that isn’t really interesting at all. Diesel finally comes in and within two and a half minutes he’s eliminated everyone but Razor. It’s three jackknives and a shot that leads to a count out. That makes it 5-1 with Razor being the only guy left. As you can tell Diesel is an absolute freak at this point in time. Shawn yells at Diesel to stay in the match.

Razor is beating Diesel who to be fair is worn out at this point since he can’t buy a tag. Diesel hits the jackknife and Razor is dead. Shawn gets in for the first time and he wants Razor held up for the kick. You know what’s coming here and yep, Shawn kicks Diesel. Now the cool part: Diesel doesn’t go down. He goes to one knee, but the kick doesn’t knock him completely down. Diesel is PISSED. He goes after Shawn who runs.

The rest of his team tries to calm him down with Owen and Jarrett screaming that they need to get back before they lose. Shawn gets counted out and apparently that’s enough to eliminate all five guys and yes, Razor wins like that. Ok, let’s see why this is stupid. Number one, only Shawn was legal. If he’s the only one legal, then another ten count should have started up. Now if no one else got in before that, then sure it’s a count out.

Also, if Jarrett and Hart were so worried, why didn’t one of them run back? That would at least have made sense. This was just an odd ending. No scratch that. It was a freaking stupid ending. What was the plan here? Was this supposed to be intelligent?

To be fair though, this really did look cool and was a good face turn as this was I think the third time that this had happened. The people were getting behind Diesel at the time and they pulled the trigger on him at the perfect time. Even the fans don’t sound thrilled about Razor, the biggest face in the match, winning like this though. That’s just never a good sign.

Rating: C-. It was ok at best before Diesel got in there but then he stole the show. This was a rollercoaster of a match with no eliminations for 13 minutes then four in less than three then five at once. That’s a bit too much over the top stuff for my taste. The in ring work was solid, but this was just for Shawn and Diesel and the face turn, so that’s all fine and good I guess. It wasn’t bad, but this could have been better. I’m just not sure how.

Todd is in the back with Pettingill as he’s leaving the arena. He says that he made Diesel and that he got stabbed in the back. He throws down the belt thereby vacating them and drives off as Vince tells Todd that Diesel is on the way. Ok wait. First of all, why is Vince telling Todd this? Couldn’t it just have gone to Todd?

I know Vince likes to be involved in everything but this is ridiculous. Second, Shawn had time to get his bag, stop to talk to Todd, walk with Todd, get in his car, talk to Todd more, and Diesel was just on his way? Did he stop to have a taco or something?

Royal Family vs. Clowns R Us

Royal Family: Jerry Lawler, Cheesy, Queasy, Sleazy

Clowns R Us: Doink, Dink, Wink, Pink

Yes this is a midget match. They have three guys that look like them and yeah, that’s about it. Lawler is borderline abusive to his guys though. Since this match completely sucks, here’s the short version: Doink and Lawler do maybe a single move and then the small guys run in for a comedy spot. It’s high class stuff like running over and making faces at the other team and then running back to their corner. Yep it’s one of those kinds of matches.

The commentators imply that the kings are kids, despite them having FACIAL HAIR. To prove the stupidity of this match, the announcers point out that when one of the big guys is pinned, the guy that pins him is in essence eliminated too since it can only be big vs. big and little vs. little. This comedy stuff goes on for about ten minutes. That’s just freaking stupid. The holds and moves they do are things like armbars and wristlocks too.

While they’re on the mat, the guys run back and forth and all six run over Lawler. I wish I had a gun so I could shoot either myself or the screen. And now the six all run over Doink. All this is done to make faces at each other. Yes I hate this match quite a bit. Why do we always have to have these comedy matches? There’s never a point to them and only Vince likes them. I hate this so much. Oh look, it’s a Burger King crown. This is just so funny. How did Lawler get here? He had a career.

Dink wants to fight Lawler, so he gets on Doink’s shoulders. Lawler counters by getting on one of the small king’s shoulders. I’ll give you two guesses as to how this goes. It’s been only the two big guys the whole match. We get a random Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade ad as apparently the WWF has a part of a float. I don’t care either. As we get a test of strength, it’s a double criss cross by the midgets. Take me now.

One of them gives Lawler an object and he nails Doink. You would think that would be the pin but nope, it’s time for more comedy. I feel like I’m at a bad circus. Instead Doink goes on offense and it takes a reversed cross body to eliminate him. Over the next five minutes it’s the clowns getting beaten after cheating from Lawler. Of this whole thing, only Dink is actually entertaining.

His offense makes sense, he’s energetic, he plays to the crowd and he’s not boring. That’s such a nice change of pace. Of course Lawler’s team gets the clean sweep. Afterwards he takes credit for the whole thing and all six guys come after him which is just rather stupid. To end this awfulness, Doink comes back and pies Lawler. Yep, that’s how it ends.

Rating: G. That’s below an F. That sums it up I’d think. Dink gets a passing grade. He was actually really fun and entertaining. That might be because it was actual wrestling, but I could be wrong.

We hear about the Women’s Title change three days ago in Japan where Alundra Blayze lost to Bull Nakano. I haven’t seen it but from what I’ve heard it was a great one. Wouldn’t it be great to either see the match or a rematch or something instead of what we just sat through? Nope apparently that wasn’t good enough though, so instead we have Lawler getting pied by a clown. Nakano is here, so why can’t we have the match? I hate Vince at times.

WWF Title: Bret Hart vs. Bob Backlund

The deal here is that Backlund says that since he never gave up in 83, he never should have lost the title and therefore has had a 13 year title reign (he had the belt for two years when he lost it). He also says there’s no counter for the Cross Face Chicken Wing while Hart says that everything has a counter. Owen and Bulldog are the respective seconds and one of them have to throw in the towel to get the win.

Both have sworn they won’t do it. By those rules, regular submissions don’t count so you can give up all you want and it won’t count. That….is kind of stupid. They start out rather hot and fast which would be the peak of that aspect of the match. Bret uses a heabutt a lot. Has he ever gotten hurt using one of those? Not that I remember at least. We’re already on the mat as they actually compare the resumes of these two, and I think Backlund is slightly in the lead.

Six years as world champion is very hard to ignore. They mention a poll that was taken and 79% say that the Chicken Wing is the better hold? Gorilla, much like myself, refuses to believe that. They’re doing a very slow start here as Stu and Helen are watching from ringside. This is a bit odd as Bret will do…HOLY CRAP! Bret put on the abdominal stretch and Monsoon DIDN’T COMPLAIN!

That has never happened before and will likely never happen again. Dang I need a stiff drink after that. Orange juice will do fine. Anyway, as I was saying before I had my heart attack, Bret is doing a bunch of submission stuff and then Backlund will go for the chicken wing. That’s a bit of a cool idea I think with Bret being the master of all submissions and Bob being the guy with one big home run hitting move that he knows will win him the title if he can get it.

The impressive thing here though is that Bob is not only hanging with Bret here but at times flat out beating him. That’s saying a lot for someone that wasn’t a regular wrestler for years on end. Vince says that Bret doesn’t know how to submit. How amusing is it that he says this about Bret at the Survivor Series? Apparently Vince is right here though since Bret never did give up.

It never ceases to amaze me how much a few years can change things and how ironic so many of these lines would eventually become and now are in hindsight. Now for a nice change of pace, Backlund does a lot of mat work on Bret. He works over his arm, which makes sense for a change. Bret hits the post shoulder first in one of the most time honored bumps ever. That’s been used for years and it still works to this day.

Bret keeps trying to make his comebacks but Bob keeps taking him down, seemingly with ease. That’s the mark of a great wrestler: he can do his stuff and make it look easy. Now we get to what is likely the stupidest part of the match as Bret makes his traditional comeback and puts on his other submission hold: the figure four. Now this is fine, but Backlund gives up. However, the match doesn’t end because Owen refuses to throw in the towel.

So in other words, Bret has won the submission match, but he didn’t do it properly? Yeah that just sounds stupid. IN other words, you could just get some jerk to be the towel guy and then break your opponent’s leg or something, but since the towel isn’t thrown in it means nothing? Yeah that makes great sense.

I have to give the fans this: for a match that’s about 90% mat work, they’re staying interested. Hopefully this Sunday at Breaking Point (this is Thursday, three days before that), that’s what happens too. Backlund manages to reverse it for all of a minute. Bret gets ready for the Sharpshooter but Bob is back in it. Oh never mind no he’s not. Gorilla is finally able to talk a bit as Backlund actually wins a fist fight here. He’s quite underrated.

He follows it with a piledriver as I’m impressed by this guy. Bob works on the arm even more and the selling from Bret is great as he looks like he’s in agony. The fans are actually still in this too, which makes me feel better than they could actually get into very old school style like this. This is practically out of the 50s or 60s. Anyway, after another three minutes or so of getting beaten on, Bret makes probably his third comeback and gets the Sharpshooter, but Owen runs in for the save.

Now imagine Hart being in the same hold that long. The thing is, the fans are going to be rather bored when you think about it. Actually maybe not. Two things are going to happen here. First of all, people are going to start thinking that there’s no way that Bret is going to lose. Second, with every passing second that goes by, the people start thinking that any second now it’s going to happen, and that build up even more tension.

That is actually something close to brilliant when you think about it. After the first four minutes or so, Owen begins pleading with his family to save Bret and saying that he didn’t mean for this to happen. Ok wait a minute. If Owen is trying to get his parents to throw in the towel, doesn’t that mean that it doesn’t have to be the predetermined towel thrower?

Ok that’s all fine. However, if that’s the case, why can’t Owen just throw it in himself? Wouldn’t that make a lot more sense? Maybe because he’s the other thrower he can’t do that? That actually makes sense because if that was allowed then it would be like a Vince Russo match with one person having to throw in the other towel first to lose. But wait, if anyone can do it, why not just have a big gang come out and take the towel from Davey and throw it in?

See why I’m not a fan of this era’s booking? It has holes in it that you could drive a truck through. Anyway, Stu keeps saying no way while Helen is on the verge of screaming. Owen begs and begs, eventually getting down on his knees. As a credit to Bret, even though he’s been in this thing nearly ten minutes, the whole time he’s been trying to roll around and move a bit so that it’s not just him laying there.

That’s the mark of a great worker: the main story is on the floor because as evidenced earlier, the wrestlers can give up all they want but the towel has to be thrown in to end the match. Bret could literally lay there forever and it would have fit the rules of the match perfectly.

However, he realized that it was better to at least look like he was trying, which makes the match more believable, despite the focus not being on him at all. That’s a very nice little touch and another reason why Bret is better than you, along with getting to screw 20 year old Sunny. That makes him divine.

While this is all happening, including the pleading from Owen, Bulldog is still out like a light. He hasn’t moved in like 10 minutes and no one has come to help him. You can see him laying there out cold behind Stu while Owen is freaking out. Only in the WWF could an employee lay on the floor for that long and have no help given to him at all. Also, I think Stu has lost some age in the past year.

He looks MUCH better than he did the year before. Last year he looked like he was about 90. Now he could pass for 60 or so. That’s rather impressive. Dang he’s 79 years old at this point. I’m impressed indeed. Anyway, Helen can’t take anymore and snatches the towel away from Stu to throw it in and give Backlund the title as the fans are a combination of stunned and PISSED, but more of the former.

Bob freaking Backlund just won the world title. However, the more important thing is that as soon as they throw the towel in, Owen jumps to his feet cheering before sprinting to the back pumping his fist, revealing it was the greatest acting job since a diva had to act like Vince was hot. Bret deserves an award here for the selling. It’s amazingly great. We now get the awesomeness that is the celebration of Backlund’s victory.

He is euphoric over winning here, holding his hands up in the air and with the belt around his waist. It’s so simple but his facial expressions shove this to such a high level of awesomeness that it’s insane. Since it goes with it, I’ll include Owen’s interview as part of this. As we cut to the back, the look on the face of Owen is amazing as well.

See what happens when you give the best workers the best storylines? You get great material. Anyway, Owen admits that it was all a setup and that this is the greatest day of his life, since he’s going to get all of the titles and that he’ll never quit. His face here is mind blowingly awesome. That whole thing was epic.

Rating: A. The only thing keeping this from an A+ is some of the holes in the booking, but this was magnificent. However, I could very easily see how some people wouldn’t be into this. It’s very hit or miss and while I and most of the other old school fans would love this, a lot of people wouldn’t get why it’s great and for once, I’m perfectly fine with that. It’s not something that everyone can get into and that’s fine.

It’s a very different style than any of us are used to since it’s such an old school style. It’s the epitome of hit or miss with people likely either loving it completely or wanting a hatchet to cut out their eyes so they will be less bored. However, the stuff at the end is almost impossible to love. The emotions and acting here are top notch and the whole 45 minute plus (yes it’s that long) segment is just amazing to me, but like I said, if you disagree here, I understand for a change.

Now since I doubt most of you remember Backlund’s reign, I thought you might like to see how it ends. This is four days after Survivor Series in Madison Square Garden.

Backlund then crawled up the aisle to leave. He made Nash look like a god and it worked beautifully. However, later on he complained about how Nash took the celebration too far and didn’t show him enough respect. Dude, you’re 45 years old and more or less a novelty act who got beat in 8 seconds so that they could save Nash vs. Hart. Get over your hall of fame self.

Vince and Gorilla can’t believe it. Vince booked it, why couldn’t he believe it?

Guts N Glory vs. Million Dollar Team

Guts N Glory: Lex Luger, Mabel, Adam Bomb, Smoking Guns

Million Dollar Team: King Kong Bundy, Tatanka, Bam Bam Bigelow, Heavenly Bodies

Bundy isn’t really the captain. He’s just listed first here. I don’t think there actually was one here. This was the tail end of the awesome Tatanka vs. Luger feud, which kick started at Summerslam. The idea was simple: Tatanka and just about everyone else on the planet thought Luger had sold out to DiBiase, but there was no concrete proof. Basically DiBiase kept helping Luger, but there was never anything for sure.

Tatanka kept saying Luger did it, but Luger denied it. This led to a match at Summerslam, where in reality Tatanka was the one that had sold out all along. It was a lot better than it sounds here and that’s your main basis for this match. It’s really more DiBiase vs. Luger, but Luger had to get his army of lower midcard faces to help him out so here we are. Have I ever mentioned that I absolutely hate Men on a Mission? I absolutely loathe them.

Mo isn’t here for this, but we still get Mabel and Oscar, making M.O. out of them, so in a weird way we have all three of them. Yeah that was stupid. Luger and Tatanka start here as Vince recaps everything I just said. I beat Vince to it. Take that you old man. While Luger is getting chopped, Mable raises the roof on the apron, showing the cutting edge intellectual capacity he brings to this team. They somehow botch a clothesline where Luger hits him in the back of the head.

Pritchard comes in but before Luger kills him we get Mabel vs. Bundy. Please take me now. Wait apparently no we don’t. Ok so wait, Mabel came in and challenged Bundy, then stepped out just to come back in. Yeah I hate this match already. The crowd chants Whoop there it is. Bundy is out in less than ten seconds and Pritchard comes back in. Since he’s tiny and Mable has his own gravitational pull, this is going to be quick.

He goes to the second rope and hits a freaking CROSS BODY BLOCK onto Pritchard to kill him completely. Vince botches the call by saying that the Gigolo calls himself Del Ray. Is anyone else getting a migraine? I know I am. Somehow for the third time in four minutes we have Bundy vs. Mable. Just make the porn version already and end this stupid thing. You know that Vince would do it too if he thought it would make money.

Yep I’ll have that image in my head for the rest of the show, and somehow it’s less stupid than this. Amazingly, this showdown is awful. Let’s go to Bigelow. He has that pesky thing called talent though so he just doesn’t fit in here at all. He goes for an enziguri which misses but Mabel tries a spin kick. I would say hits, but he literally misses by at least 10 inches. I mean this was awful. The fans loudly groaned at the sight of it.

I have to finish it. I have to finish it. I have to finish it. This HAS to improve. I don’t think it can actually get worse. They both go to the floor so they can lay there for awhile since it’s past their nap times. They have to stop for one an hour after they eat. They take a lot of naps.

Mabel gets counted out as Bigelow beats the count. Somehow that fat tub of goo would be the King of the Ring and top heel within 8 months. Vince must have been on the REALLY GOOD crack at this time. Or maybe he didn’t have any in him at all and that’s what caused all this. So now we have Del Ray vs. Billy Gunn. Somehow, this is better. Read who’s in there, and think about that for a minute.

Now we shift to Bomb vs. Bigelow and Adam hits that SWEET slingshot clothesline of his. Dang I love that move. He dominates just like he would do against Mabel at In Your House but after one shot from Bundy, Bigelow puts him down and moonsaults him out of it. I’ve always hated when a guy gets hit with one shot and since it’s from behind, it’s a knockout shot. What’s the deal with that? Del Ray hits two sweet superkicks that do nothing at all.

However, after a standard illegal elbow, he’s gone to Luger. Good to see that some things never chance. The Guns beat on Tatanka for the better part of ever and it’s just barely interesting. They were just such a worthless team. You can tell they’re real cowboys though. They’re wearing khakis. Yep the Beautiful People match is certainly more interesting, especially with those shots of Velvet’s figure. Dang.

Anyway, Bart goes for a crucifix and gets caught in the End of the Trail, which is apparently the name of Tatanka’s finishing move. Forget that it’s the Papoose To Go. We’re 4-2 now with the excellent team of Billy Gunn and Lex Luger against the four heels. Oh this isn’t going to be pleasant. I really can’t stand Vince saying YES NO! Is he really that impatience? A splash ends Billy, making it AMERICA vs. four. Oh boy I can barely contain my excitement.

As I look at my clock, we’ve been at this beatdown for six minutes now. Oh joy indeed. Why do I need to see Luger get beaten up that long? Wait, that might mean an injury which means him off TV. BLAST HIM WITH EVERY FREAKING THING YOU’VE GOT PEOPLE! Our ot nowhere Luger rolls him up for the pin and then literally lays there on the ground while Bundy gets ready for the splash.

It was without a doubt the worst looking thing I’ve ever seen in a match like this. That’s the end and the heels celebrate before beating on Luger forever. The faces finally run out for the save. I guess they wanted to see the annoying one get beaten on too. This segment just went on forever.

Rating: C-. I know I blasted this match a lot, but for some reason by the end it wasn’t horrible. I think it was the faces losing clean that fixed a lot of this. That’s what the match should have been: the heels getting a clean win which is something that hardly ever happens. It’s a match where the pieces don’t add up to what you get at the end, which is a good thing.

Backlund has a press conference to talk about how he’ll be a role model. Yep for all of three days.

Undertaker vs. Yokozuna

Before this, we have the debut of the deity himself, Chuck Norris. He’s the guest referee tonight, which shouldn’t be a problem for him. He can certainly count to ten. He counted to infinity twice, so ten is easy. He’s there to keep people from coming out to beat up Taker. That’s a good idea, since he’s so strong that he never does push-ups. He simply pushes the world down. After two of the slowest intros ever, it’s time to go.

Before the match even begins, we can already see the problem here: no one believes Yoko has a chance, and he doesn’t. Yoko can’t really do anything to Taker so Taker starts beating on him. The managers interfere to turn the momentum over. Yeah that doesn’t work. Momentum implies movement, and I don’t think they’ve actually moved in this match. They’re just so freaking slow. Now with Taker it makes sense, but with Yoko it’s just due to fatness.

He took some time off after this match and came back even bigger. That can’t be good. Anyway, Norris is mostly just window dressing for the majority of this match. He’s shown a few times standing there. Dang I ran out of jokes for a minute. I’ll make up for it later. Eventually Bigelow and Bundy come out and yell at him, leading to IRS running in and nailing Taker then putting him in a sleeper.

Taker would feud with DiBiase’s team until I think the following Summerslam, so yeah that went on way too long. The fat guys don’t do anything to Norris, and I can’t blame them. After all when the Boogeyman goes to bed at night he checks the closet for Chuck Norris. I’d be afraid too. So yeah, the rest is rather predictable, as has been the first part of the match. Yoko keeps trying but at the last second Taker rises up. The lack of drama is freaking killing this match.

It’s clear that no one believes Yoko has a chance. It’s fine to want to send the fans home happy, but at least try to build some drama. At least make Yoko look like he has a snowball’s chance out there. For no good reason, Jarrett comes out and Norris kicks him in the chest. Well that was rather pointless.

Yoko gets kicked into the casket to end it. I know that’s really lackluster, but seriously there was just nothing else to say about it. It was just as you would expect it to be: not that interesting, slow, and completely lacking in drama. This was pretty bad.

Rating: D+. Yeah this was bad. As I’ve said a million times, the best thing a match can do is have you guessing who is going to win. There was absolutely zero doubt here who the winner would be. It’s a great sign when you know who the winner is going in and they get you caught up in it anyway.

For a great example, see Taker vs. Shawn. We knew Taker would win, but it got us going anyway. As for this, Norris was the big celebrity of the show and he did what he was supposed to do: beat up a midcard guy. It was ok for a pointless main event, but this wasn’t interesting at all.

Overall Rating: C-. This is about as back and forth of a show as you’re ever going to find. The first match is ok, the second is beyond awful, the third is great, the fourth is ok, and the last is awful. Also, a LOT of people will disagree on the title match, and like I said before I’m fine with that. It’s a tricky one to call and it really depends on your taste as a fan. I loved it, and for me it almost carries this show. Overall, the show is certainly watchable, but it’s forgettable.

The title change that mattered was the following weekend so this one meant little. Other than that, it’s a very forgettable show. Taker won the feud as he always did, there was an awful match, Luger managed to blow another one, and there was an ok opener. Seriously, nothing here stands out. It’s ok if you’re really bored and just want to kill about 3 hours, but don’t go out of your way.

 

 

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and head over to my Amazon author page with 30 different cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

AND

Remember to check out Wrestlingrumors.net for all of your wrestling headline needs.




Monday Night Raw – March 19, 2007: The Slow Down Period

Monday Night Raw
Date: March 19, 2007
Location: Conseco Fieldhouse, Indianapolis, Indiana
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

We are less than two weeks away from Wrestlemania and that means it is time to really hammer things home. This time though it means that WWE is in a bit of a weird place as they have actually nailed the setup. Raw and Smackdown have both been feeling it as of late and they need to be careful not to screw up with four shows left. Let’s get to it.

Here are last week’s results if you need a recap.

In Memory of Arnold Skaaland. The hits just keep on coming at the moment.

Shawn Michaels vs. John Bradshaw Layfield

This is part of Wrestlemania Reversal, as Shawn and John Cena will face the other’s former Wrestlemania opponent. Hold on though as JBL comes to the ring in a suit after just flying in from New York City. No one tells him what to do or when to come out of retirement. If he does it, he will do it in his town by his rules. This match isn’t happening, which is good for Shawn because he already has more problems with Cena.

Shawn is an egotistical ***** but he knows how to play mind games. This time though, Shawn is doubting what he can do because he knows he can’t beat John Cena. Shawn has Everest right in front of him but he won’t climb the mountain. But since Shawn has found religion and is such a nice guy, people won’t boo him when he won’t even try.

Shawn takes the mic and says he is here to fight, but he isn’t worried about getting respect from everyone because he has already earned it. At Wrestlemania, he can and will defeat Cena to become WWE Champion. Nobody tells him what to do and when to deliver Sweet Chin Music. He’ll do it when he wants and he’ll do it when you least expect it….like he does right now to JBL. Shawn takes JBL’s hat and leaves.

We get an updated Vince McMahon vs. Donald Trump tale of the tape, now featuring:

Family Ties
Children
Matches Fought Against Children
Phallic Symbol
Women Issues

Randy Orton comes in to yell at Edge over selling him out on ECW. They argue over the last chance battle royal for a Money in the Bank ladder match, because Edge has lost his spot over the two of them not taking out Bobby Lashley. Blows are about to be struck but Orton leaves and Edge yells a lot.

It’s time for the Masterlock Challenge with Bobby Lashley accepting this time. For some reason Masters slaps Lashley in the back of the head, earning himself a slap in the face. The Masterlock goes on and, after some struggling, Lashley officially breaks the hold to win the challenge for the first time. Masters grabs a chair but things better of it. Lashley rubs his bald head as a nod to Vince McMahon.

Ashley’s Playboy photographer had a good time with the set.

In the back, Bobby Lashley runs into Vince McMahon, flanked by Coach and a bunch of celebrities. Vince promises to have Umaga break Lashley and then he will break Donald Trump’s spirit. As for tonight, these security guards are escorting Lashley out of the building. Vince and Coach run into Maria and seem to be impressed. They then run into Eugene, who spills his drink on Vince’s suit. A match with Umaga ensues and here is Ron Simmons for a low key catchphrase.

Tribute video to Arnold Skaaland, featuring some great old school footage and a bunch of people praising him.

Steve Austin is All Grown Up.

Money in the Bank Qualifying Match: Battle Royal

Ric Flair, Carlito, Edge, Viscera, Super Crazy, Val Venis, Shelton Benjamin, Charlie Haas, Johnny Nitro, Kenny Dykstra

It’s a brawl to start and everyone gets together to toss Viscera in a hurry. Things slow way down as a result until Edge is sent outside (under the ropes) and comes up favoring his knee. The usual brawling continues until Haas and Benjamin pull Crazy out of the air and toss him out. We take a break and come back with Venis and Haas having been eliminated and Edge still down at ringside. Carlito saves himself on top but Shelton goes up to meet him. That takes too long though and Flair tosses Benjamin out.

Flair crotches Dykstra on top and chops him out as Carlito gets rid of Nitro. That leaves us with Carlito vs. Flair and they go straight at it, with Carlito not being able to toss him. Carlito hits the springboard back elbow and a running….I think knee lift to put Flair down again. Flair survives another toss attempt and gets in a poke to the eye. Carlito elbows him down out of the corner but charges into a backdrop for the elimination. Then Edge comes back in to toss Flair for the win.

Rating: D+. I still can’t stand that finish but at least this was before it became a cliché. At the same time, this was quite the waste of time as Edge was in the ladder match last week and now is again after this show is over. It wasn’t overly long but there were only a few potential winners here and it made for a bit of a lengthy path to the finish.

Here are Vince McMahon and Coach, plus a bunch of people bringing out a barber’s chair and tools. Those things are going to be sitting at ringside though because it’s destruction time.

Umaga vs. Eugene

Non-title and Vince sits at ringside as Umaga runs Eugene over and stomps away. The running hip attack in the corner crushes Eugene and the Samoan Spike is good for the fast pin.

Post match Vince says keep it up and has Eugene strapped into the chair. Umaga chokes him out and Vince cuts Eugene’s hair. Vince is way too happy with this and we even get a Billionaire B**** Slap! They’ll finish the shaving in the back, with Vince promising to shave everyone in the arena.

Here is Candice Michelle for a chat. She has been reading Melina’s WWE.com blogs about how the Playboy cover girls can’t make it in the ring so Melina can come out here and do something about it. Cue Melina, who says Michelle has her job because she can take her clothes off. Melina does her own version of the Go Daddy dance and goes on a rant about how none of the Playboy women have any talent. She has turned Playboy down over and over because it is beneath her. Candice says Melina doesn’t turn anyone down and has been underneath everyone in that locker room. If Melina won’t take off her clothes, Candice will.

Candice Michelle vs. Melina

Non-title bra and panties match and we’re joined in progress with Candice, minus her shirt, ripping off Melina’s pants. Melina headscissors her down and they go into a rather suggestive roll around the ring. That’s enough for Melina to get rid of Candice’s pants for the fast win.

Post match, here is Ashley to yell at Melina and rip off her top. Cue Great Khali of all people to go after Ashley so Jerry Lawler goes in for the failed save attempt.

More celebrities offer Trump vs. McMahon picks.

Randy Orton vs. Jeff Hardy

Toddy Grisham has replaced Lawler on commentary. Jeff avoids some right hands in the corner to start and snaps off some armdrags into an armbar. That’s broken up and Orton grabs his backbreaker and we hit the Liontamer to put Hardy in trouble. A rope is grabbed so Hardy comes back with more right hands into the Twist of Fate. Cue Edge to throw in a ladder though and Orton blasts Hardy for the DQ.

Rating: D+. Not time here and the match was little more than a way to set up Money in the Bank. Hardy and Orton are capable of doing a lot more than this but you can only get so far given these circumstances. Rated-RKO’s days seem to be numbered if they aren’t already out, but at least they are going to be in a big match on the way out.

Post match Edge yells at Orton so Hardy gives Orton the Twist of Fate. The legdrop over the ladder crushes Orton as Edge is rather pleased.

Here’s a look at Steve Austin’s new movie, the Condemned.

Wrestlemania rundown.

Vince McMahon is on the phone with someone who is going to drop a bomb tonight. He has a bomb of his own: he is facing Bobby Lashley next week. Coach isn’t sure about this but Vince guarantees a win.

Eugene, now bad, cries WHY ME into a mirror.

John Cena vs. Chris Benoit

Non-title and Shawn Michaels is on commentary. They go with the hard lockup to start until Benoit takes him into the corner for the knees to the ribs. The fight goes outside with Benoit not being able to hit a German suplex. Cena almost clotheslines Shawn but pulls back in time, allowing Benoit to jump him from behind.

Back in and Benoit hits a running elbow for two before it’s time start in on Cena’s leg. A dragon screw legwhip sets up the Sharpshooter but Cena crawls over to the rope. Benoit rolls the German suplexes (to quite the positive reaction) but the Swan Dive misses. The comeback is on and Cena hits the Shuffle, setting up the FU into the STFU for the tap.

Rating: C+. Another match where it was good while it lasted but it didn’t get to last very long. Cena beating Benoit clean in about six minutes is a bit hard to take but at least Benoit lost to someone a little higher up on the food chain. Shawn wasn’t much of a factor here, but most of the good stuff has already happened in their buildup and it is time to get to Wrestlemania for everyone involved.

Post match, Shawn gets inside and teases the superkick but smiles at Cena. They point at the sign and Cena loads up the AA but puts him down instead. Cue JBL to say that next week, Cena and Michaels will face Undertaker and Batista.

Overall Rating: C. You can tell that they have moved into the final push towards Wrestlemania, meaning you aren’t like to get big names in longer matches. It might be a little annoying, but it makes sense to keep things as safe as possible on the way to Detroit. Not a great show, but it did its job of staying the course for one more week as Wrestlemania gets closer and closer.

 

 

 

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and head over to my Amazon author page with 30 different cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

AND

Remember to check out Wrestlingrumors.net for all of your wrestling headline needs.




Monday Night Raw – May 30, 1994: Get Me Out Of Here

Monday Night Raw
Date: May 30, 1994
Location: Struthers Fieldhouse, Youngstown, Ohio
Attendance: 1,500
Commentators: Randy Savage, Vince McMahon

Thank goodness we’re wrapping the month up here because I don’t think I can take much more of the build towards King of the Ring. The last few weeks have been nothing short of dreadful and there is no reason to think that it is going to get any better in the near future. Maybe they can wrap it up on a nice note so let’s get to it.

Here are last week’s results if you need a recap.

We open with a recap of the qualifying matches so far and there is one spot left. For some reason it is Tatanka vs. Crush instead of Jimmy Del Ray, as announced last week (which was taped the same night as this show). I’m thinking….common sense stepping in?

Opening sequence.

King of the Ring Qualifying Match: Crush vs. Tatanka

Crush has Mr. Fuji while Tatanka has Chief Jay Strongbow, meaning Vince gets to talk about the Hall of Fame. This means the bizarre situation of Vince mentioning Bobo Brazil, which is quite the clash of the generations. Feeling out process to start with Crush getting sent into the corner for a consultation with Fuji. This actually seems to work as Crush gets in a shot to the face, only to get clotheslined over the top.

We cut to Strongbow, who looks so bored you would think he was watching a Chief Jay Strongbow match. Back in and Crush misses a charge into the corner, allowing Tatanka to hit a middle rope clothesline for two. Hold on though as Tatanka has to break up a battle of the old managers as we take a break. Back with Crush holding a bearhug, as per WWF back from commercial laws.

A belly to belly gives Crush two and a rake to the eyes cuts Tatanka off again. Crush makes the mistake of ramming him into the buckle though and it’s time for the warpath. Tatanka faceplants him and a top rope chop to the head gets two. Strongbow decks the interfering Fuji but Crush drops Tatanka as well. That means Crush has to go after Strongbow and his overly large pants. Tatanka goes for the save and it’s the world’s fastest double countout at 11:05.

Rating: D+. Not much to see here, as too much of the focus was on Strongbow vs. Fuji. I get the idea, but how much interest was there in either of them in 1994? Strongbow looked so miserable out there and I don’t know if anyone has really cared about Fuji for the better part of ever. This wasn’t very good in the first place, and odds are something happens to get one of them into the tournament anyway. Great way to start the show.

The brawl stays on post match until referees break it up.

It’s time for another King of the Ring Control Center, which works fine as a one off but egads these are rough in a marathon. That being said, I do need Todd Pettengill’s KING OF THE RING 1994 shirt (It even has the date!). Anyway, we go to Roddy Piper at home in Oregon, where he says he isn’t interested in talking trash because all he wanted to do is help the kids. He’s no king.

Todd goes over the brackets as we know them so far, including Owen Hart, who already has thoughts on Crush vs. Tatanka going to a double countout. He should just get a bye and move on to the next round! Todd tells us to have fun on Father’s Day but make sure to save enough energy to turn on your TV for the show. How complicated is that TV?

Ted DiBiase is in a funeral parlor and thinks it smells like money. He has been in contact with the Undertaker and the two of them will be getting together again soon. When that happens, the rest of the WWF will be resting in peace.

1-2-3 Kid vs. George South

Feeling out process to start as commentary talks politics. South forearms him in the back and gets in more jobber style offense until Kid scores with some kicks. A headlock is countered into a belly to back suplex to drop Kid again. Not that it matters as a sloppy la majistral finishes South at 2:33.

It’s time for the King’s Court, meaning Lawler gets to insult the crowd as a Memphis heel can do. With that out of the way, Lawler gets to the point with his “Stu and Helen Hart are really, really old” jokes before bringing out Bret Hart as the guest. Lawler brings up the King of the Ring from last year and asks if Bret remembers it, or did all of the oil on his head make it slip his mind.

Bret gets a bit more serious but Lawler brings out the other two guests: Shawn Michaels and Diesel. Lawler asks if Bret is crazy for thinking he can beat Diesel, sending Bret into his usual response to Diesel. That doesn’t seem to bother Diesel, who promises the VIP treatment for Bret: Very Intense Pain. The Jackknife plants Bret in a hurry and the triple stomping is on. Pretty standard segment here but Diesel is a fresh player in the main event, at least partially due to the lack of anyone to challenge Bret at the moment.

Smoking Gunns vs. Reno Riggins/Austin Steele

Bart and Reno trade knees to the ribs to start and it’s quickly off to Billy for a crucifix. A swinging neckbreaker drops Riggins but Bart misses the elbow. Steele, looking like a Buddy Landel tribute, gets whipped into the corner over and over and there’s a top rope bulldog from Billy. Hold on though as Randy Savage needs to read the ad for Firestarter, airing later this week on USA. A dropkick/suplex combination drops Steele again and the Sidewinder (powerbomb/top rope elbow) gives Bart the pin at 3:31.

Rating: D+. The Gunns were the best team of this era but it isn’t like that means a lot. They are good enough to be consistently in the title hunt, though pretty much any two people thrown together could fit that description at the moment. Just a squash here, which isn’t exactly inspiring a lot of the time.

The official decision on Tatanka vs. Crush: a rematch next week, but it’s a LUMBERJACK match, because you want all of the 1994 roster in one place!

Come to the Wrestlemania Revenge Tour!

Jeff Jarrett vs. Chris Hamerrick

Hamerrick was around in the midcard in the dying days of ECW. Some armdrags take Jarrett down to start as we hear about the Arsenio Hall Show coming to an end. Vince: “Does Jeff Jarrett resemble Barney Rubble from the Flintstones?” Jarrett comes back with some stomping into a slingshot suplex, followed by the middle rope fist drop. The chinlock goes on as we talk about anything but the match. Hamerrick gets in a dropkick (with Vince pointing out how little contact it made) but a missed charge lets Jarrett grab the Figure Four for the submission (over the WE WANT DOINK chants) at 3:53.

Rating: D. Jarrett as the country singer was not good in any way and I don’t think there is any way around that reality. He’s talented in the ring but this whole gimmick just feels lame. It doesn’t help that Jarrett is the definition of a solid hand rather than someone who is going to have an exciting match, leaving us sitting through a bunch of stuff like this: technically fine, but really boring.

Jerry Lawler suggests that Roddy Piper will be on the King’s Court last week without actually saying his name. It would be a Piper impersonator to really hammer in the joke.

Overall Rating: D-. The big story of this show was the Crush vs. Tatanka verdict and they somehow got a decision together in the span of about thirty minutes. I don’t believe Jack Tunney could tie his shoes in that amount of time, so this was a stretch in more ways than one. Another rather bad show here, but you kind of have to expect that coming in.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and head over to my Amazon author page with 30 different cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

AND

Remember to check out Wrestlingrumors.net for all of your wrestling headline needs.




Monday Night Raw – May 23, 1994: Hit The Random Button On Trash Day

Monday Night Raw
Date: May 23, 1994
Location: Struthers Fieldhouse, Youngstown, Ohio
Attendance: 1,500
Commentators: Randy Savage, Vince McMahon

We’re thankfully onto a fresh taping cycle so maybe things can get a little bit better. It’s not like you can get much worse than what we’ve had in recent weeks so hopefully this is a step in the right direction. We are about a month away from the King of the Ring and that means more qualifying matches in the coming weeks. Let’s get to it.

Here are last week’s results if you need a recap.

We open with a recap of last week’s sumo match with Earthquake defeating Yokozuna. As a result, Yokozuna and Crush destroyed Earthquake on the Wrestlemania Revenge Tour, writing him out of the promotion. It also writes him out of tonight’s King of the Ring qualifying match, meaning Owen Hart needs a replacement.

Opening sequence.

King of the Ring Qualifying Match: Owen Hart vs. Doink The Clown

Doink has Dink with him. Owen jumps him to start but gets sent into the buckle for his efforts. That earns Doink a rake to the face paint and the belly to belly suplex makes it even worse. Doink fights back up and grabs a backdrop as Dink has to stand on the steps to see the match. With Owen sent outside, Dink gets in to dance a bit as the pandering is on a roll.

We hit the stall button for a bit and the WE WANT BRET chants have Owen even more annoyed. Back in and Owen gets him into the corner for some right hands, only to be sent outside. This time Dink offers a distraction, allowing Doink to catch Owen with a clothesline. That’s quite a heelish sequence for Doink but he was better when he was evil anyway. Owen finally gets smart by pulling Doink down by the leg and wrapping it around the post. We take a break and come back with Owen grabbing a chinlock to keep things slow.

Back up and Owen’s always good looking belly to belly gets two and we hit the camel clutch (not a Boston crab Vince). Doink fights up and takes him down for a breather, meaning it’s time for the comeback slugout. An overhead belly to belly gives Doink two for a change and a neckbreaker….gets no count as here is Jeff Jarrett to kidnap Dink. The distraction lets Owen grab a rollup for the pin at 12:33.

Rating: C. This was a decent match, as Owen kept getting frustrated by Doink and even needed some cheating to move on. I think they actually saw something in Doink, as Vince was trying to get “The Doinkster” over on commentary. Not exactly a classic, but Owen getting some time was always going to be worth a little something at worst.

It’s time for the King of the Ring Report, with Todd Pettengill explaining the tournament. I know this stuff is basic, but you’re going to have someone who doesn’t know how it works and this could hook them in. We run down the brackets and the remaining qualifying matches (including Tatanka vs. Jimmy Del Ray!) before moving on to the rest of the card. This includes Diesel talking about how Bret Hart was up against a monster. To put it mildly, Diesel is really, really bad at talking here as it sounds like he’s reciting lines and not very well at that.

The Headshrinkers are defending the Tag Team Titles against Yokozuna and Crush, plus Roddy Piper vs. Jerry Lawler because reasons. Roddy even stops training to talk about how he needs the fans to send money to the kids. Lawler called Piper Jurassic Park, but that’s the biggest film of all time so he’ll take that as a compliment. Piper couldn’t be less interested in this match if it was his time in WCW.

We get a WWF Unbelievable (ad campaign) video, with a loudmouth saying he can beat everyone up and then being more and more damaged. Come see the WWF abuse people?

Duke Droese vs. Barry Horowitz

This is Droese’s Raw debut and he shoves Barry around to start. There’s a hiptoss into a slam as this is feeling squashish. Another hiptoss has Savage wondering if Droese can do anything besides be big, fast, strong and wrestle. Barry manages a shot to the face of his own and gets in a middle rope ax handle. Droese’s arm is sent into the corner and the armbar goes on to make it worse. That’s broken up and it’s a spinebuster to plant Barry. A jumping elbow finishes for Droese at 2:57. Yeah, but he’s still a wrestling garbageman. This wasn’t going to work.

Here’s what the Wrestlemania Revenge Tour looks like. Jonathan Taylor Thomas from Home Improvement gets a cameo because….well because 1994 isn’t good. Also, we’re about three months removed from Wrestlemania. How much revenge do you need?

IRS vs. Gary Sabaugh

Sabaugh is a bit better known as the Italian Stallion from the NWA. The eternally sweaty IRS sends him outside to start as commentary talks about politics. An elbow to the face drops Sabaugh back inside and we hit the chinlock. A legdrop sets up another chinlock as the IRWIN chants begin. Commentary talks about basketball as the hammerlock keeps Sabaugh in trouble. IRS hits a butterfly suplex to set up a third chinlock, which shouldn’t happen in a twenty minute match, let alone a Raw match like this one. Back up and a hot shot cuts Sabaugh off and the Write Off (running clothesline) finishes at 4:12.

Rating: D-. Yes it’s a running clothesline and yes it’s called the Write Off. It isn’t like there is much else that you can expect from a wrestling tax agent, so just try to survive the match most weeks. IRS was pretty firmly hitting the extent of his usefulness at this point, meaning he was fine as a midcard heel. Just stop giving him so much time.

We look at Crush costing Lex Luger his King of the Ring qualifying match on Superstars. A brawl ensued.

It’s time for the King’s Court, with Jerry Lawler mocking Randy Savage, but even he isn’t as bad as Roddy Piper. For now though, here is Lex Luger as this week’s guest. The USA chants begin and WOW this place is small. It feels like a small high school gym and that’s not what you think of for Raw. How could you think this feels like Raw? This place is full! Anyway, Lawler talks about Luger’s bad luck at Wrestlemania, including his first Wrestlemania (where Luger won, as Lawler’s history seems off).

After threatening Lawler, Luger talks about how Crush cost him his King of the Ring chances and promises to damage him. Lawler doesn’t think Luger would say that to Crush’s face so here is Crush in person. His arm is in a sling though, and no one seems to have heard about it. Crush claims Luger jumped him from behind because Luger knows he can’t win face to face. He would totally take Luger out right now if he wasn’t hurt so Luger takes the jacket off.

Lawler says Luger wouldn’t hit an invalid, so Luger clotheslines Crush to the floor, revealing that the arm is fine. Luger was quite evil here, as he didn’t know for sure that Crush was faking it. Then again the feud was thrown together because Mr. Perfect is gone so this is as good as they could do on short notice.

Nikolai Volkoff vs. Matt Hardy

It feels like a randomly generated match on a Wrestling Legends game. Ted DiBiase is on commentary as Volkoff hammers away on the mat and then catches Hardy on top. Forearms to the chest and a knee to the ribs has Hardy down again. Hardy gets in a few shots to the face but a kick to the ribs cuts him off. The Boston crab finishes for Volkoff at 2:32. Volkoff feels so out of place here, and not just because he needs a haircut.

Next week: Bret Hart is on the King’s Court, which has Lawler and Savage rather excited.

Overall Rating: D. They continue the awful path to the even worse King of the Ring and this is getting harder to watch. The wrestling isn’t good and the character stuff is downright awful, with stuff like the garbageman, Volkoff in 1994 and Doink as a good guy all combining to make the shot terrible. I’m looking forward to wrapping this month up because it really is that bad these days.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and head over to my Amazon author page with 30 different cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

AND

Remember to check out Wrestlingrumors.net for all of your wrestling headline needs.




Monday Night Raw – May 16, 1994: It Certainly Is Wrestling

Monday Night Raw
Date: May 16, 1994
Location: Memorial Auditorium, Burlington, Vermont
Attendance: 2,500
Commentators: Randy Savage, Vince McMahon

Let’s have some sumo wrestling. That’s the big story this week as Earthquake and Yokozuna will have a sumo match with the ring ropes taken down. Why that is supposed to have my attention for an hour long show is beyond me, but maybe we can get another King of the Ring match to fill the time. Let’s get to it.

Here are last week’s results if you need a recap.

The opening video looks at the sumo match, with both guys being big and good at sumo. Earthquake as a face still just feels wrong.

Opening sequence.

Commentary runs down the show but Vince seems to mistime things a bit and is left standing there for a bit before the camera cuts away.

King of the Ring Qualifying Match: Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Sparky Plugg

Bigelow has Luna Vachon with him and wastes no time in hammering away. Plugg ducks a dropkick though and dropkicks him to the floor as the racing jokes abound. Back in and Bigelow has had enough of this and runs him over again, setting up a headbutt for two. A charge into the corner hits Plugg’s boot so Bigelow enziguris him down for two. The chinlock goes on, even though it seemed like they were wrapping up.

Bigelow cuts off a comeback with a knee to the ribs and drops another headbutt. Plugg avoids a charge though and grabs a bulldog into a DDT. The high crossbody is good for two more on Bigelow as the fans are excited as you’re going to see for a Plugg comeback. Luna grabs the foot though and it’s a clothesline into the Swan Dive to give Bigelow the pin at 6:29.

Rating: D+. This didn’t work very well and that shouldn’t surprise you. The main point of the match was to get in as many racing jokes as possible. When those dried up, you were left with a pretty dull Plugg match and I think you can figure out how well that went. Cut off about two minutes here and it’s a lot better.

Here’s the King of the Ring Report. Todd Pettengill gives us a quick rundown of the tournament before moving on to Bret Hart vs. Diesel and Jerry Lawler vs. Roddy Piper. This time around, they have an address where you can send donations for the children’s hospital that brought Piper out of retirement. We also get a quick look at who has qualified for the tournament so far.

Diesel vs. Mike Moraldo

Diesel’s Intercontinental Title isn’t on the line. Diesel knocks him down to start and sends Moraldo flying outside to make it worse. Back in and some kicks to the ribs set up the bearhug with Diesel just dropping him hard. There’s a side slam to plant Moraldo again and Snake Eyes connects. Commentary talks about celebrities and Diesel picks him up (after a camera cut) for the Jackknife and the pin at 3:10.

Rating: D. What does it say that you had to cut something out of a completely one sided match that barely broke three minutes otherwise? Diesel was starting to get better but he didn’t have the most thrilling squashes so far. Then again, maybe he just needs a long match with Bret Hart on pay per view.

A guy at a gas station saw the Undertaker.

It’s time for the King’s Court with Jerry Lawler saying that the fans would find their own picture if they looked up the word repulsive. Lawler moves on to Roddy Piper, who was drafted into the army when he turned 18. He didn’t want to go so he put on a dress and high heels. It didn’t get him taken into the army, but it got him taken out by a doctor. After a break, here are this week’s guests, with Ted DiBiase and Nikolai Volkoff of all people. DiBiase explains things in a hurry: Volkoff is broke, so now DiBiase owns him (there’s a “you broken it, you bought it” joke in there somewhere). Volkoff: “I hate you.”

Lawler says DiBiase looks like a million bucks but Volkoff looks like ten cents. DiBiase agrees, so we have some new gear for Volkoff. We’ll start with some “Property Of The Million Dollar Man” trunks, followed by a tuxedo shirt, with Volkoff hating everything about this. McMahon talks about Volkoff being an Olympic weightlifter, “Just like Mark Henry today.” DiBiase and Lawler laugh a lot to wrap this up. All this for Nikolai Volkoff in 1994? There was NO ONE else to do this?

Owen Hart vs. Tony Roy

Vince ignores the match to talk about the Hall of Fame induction ceremony as Owen takes over to start. Owen knocks him down and drops a middle rope elbow to keep up the beating. A knee to the ribs cuts Roy down again as Savage reads copy about an upcoming USA movie. Owen gets in a gutwrench suplex and finishes with the Sharpshooter at 2:19.

Post match Owen rants about how much better he is than Bret Hart. Owen sends Roy outside and puts some Bret sunglasses on him. Isn’t that just saving him money at the merch table?

Duke Droese is sleeping in a dumpster and is grateful for the wake up call. You have a guy in a dumpster and Nikolai Volkoff on the same show. How is this supposed to work?

The ropes are being taken down so Vince tells us to call somebody. I called a local beekeeper. He wasn’t thrilled with me telling him about a 27 year old sumo match on Raw and then screamed a lot because the bees went nuts over the phone ringing. I’m visiting him in the hospital later.

Yokozuna vs. Earthquake

It’s a sumo match with the ropes gone. The first person to shove the other out of the ring wins. They take their time getting ready, tease the start a few times, and then stand back up. That goes so well that they do it again as we are now a few minutes into the stalling. They finally collide and grapple, with neither going anywhere. Yokozuna headbutts him and starts driving Earthquake back before they wind up back in the middle for some standing. Earthquake finally switches places, shoves him down, and wins at 6:03.

Rating: D. I get the idea here but egads they didn’t exactly make this interesting. It’s a case where it might be accurate, but it wasn’t interesting. This almost has to be it for Earthquake and uh…..what a great way to go out I guess. It’s certainly an idea, but you’re only going to get so far with this kind of an idea.

House show ads.

Recap/preview wrap us up.

Overall Rating: D-. This was pretty awful with nothing worth seeing on the whole thing. The sumo deal at the end wasn’t so much bad as much as it was a big miss. The most interesting thing on this show was the mention of a weightlifter who wouldn’t be in WWE for about two years. I think that sums up the whole night as well as anything else, as the horrible stretch continues.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and head over to my Amazon author page with 30 different cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

AND

Remember to check out Wrestlingrumors.net for all of your wrestling headline needs.




Monday Night Raw – May 9, 1994: Please Let It Stop

Monday Night Raw
Date: May 9, 1994
Location: Memorial Auditorium, Burlington, Vermont
Attendance: 2,500
Commentators: Randy Savage, Vince McMahon

We’re on the way to the King of the Ring and that means it is time for some qualifying matches. Your tastes may vary on those, but at least they’ll have a purpose. You don’t watch these shows for match quality most of the time so giving them a reason is more interesting than the random squashes. Let’s get to it.

Here are last week’s results if you need a recap.

We open with a recap of Earthquake challenging Yokozuna for a match.

Opening sequence.

We run down the card.

King of the Ring Qualifying Match: Razor Ramon vs. Kwang

Kwang is the future Savio Vega under a mask as a far east martial arts expert (with Harvey Wippleman). They fight over arm control to start until Razor elbows him in the face. With that not working, Kwang chops away in the corner but Razor shows him some better technique. A running clothesline puts Kwang on the floor so he gets back up, earning himself a right hand to the face.

Kwang snaps him throat first across the top though and there’s a hook kick to the face (a Savio Vega trademark). Razor gets a backslide for two before avoiding a charge to send Kwang’s shoulder into the post. It’s time to start working on the arm, including some slaps to the back of the head. Kwang is back up with another kick to the face for no cover as he would rather crank on the neck.

Razor’s lip is busted and Vince promises to go to a wide shot if it gets bad for the sake of children watching. The fact that I can’t actually see which part of his lip is busted because there is almost no visible blood makes me think this might be overcautious. Ramon fights up and strikes away until a shot to the nose (which might be the bleeding part) takes him down.

We take a break and come back with Razor grabbing a chokeslam for a delayed two. The belly to back superplex is countered so Kwang tries a spinning high crossbody, with Razor rolling through for two more. Razor has finally had it with Kwang and tries the Razor’s Edge but can’t muscle him up. A missed spinwheel kick is enough to set up the Razor’s Edge to finish Kwang at 15:03.

Rating: C+. The time and chemistry made this one work as both guys were working. Kwang might have been a goofy character (with a worse name) but he could do some very good things in the ring. Nice long match here, and it is always nice to see something like that on this show.

It’s time for the King of the Ring Report, with Todd Pettengill talking about how the tournament works and what it meant for Bret Hart. On top of that, we have Roddy Piper accepting Jerry Lawler’s challenge for a match. He has nothing left to prove, but he does not like what Lawler has been saying about some sick children in Toronto. A portion of the proceeds will be given to a children’s hospital and I’m sure it will be an incredibly large portion as well. Todd: “We’re working on an address for the hospital so you can donate as well.” How do you work on finding an ADDRESS? It’s a hospital, not a traveling salesman.

Crush vs. Raymond Roy

Mr. Fuji is here with Crush, who is not impressed with Roy to start. Crush goes to talk to Fuji, allowing Roy to grab a quick rollup for two. Some kicks take Roy down and a legdrop makes it even worse. There’s a backbreaker so Crush can sneer a bit and it’s the delayed gorilla press. The Heart Punch finishes Roy in a hurry, even cutting off Savage’s copy read.

Rating: D. This was about all you could have expected here as Crush was being hyped up for his house show feud with Lex Luger. That isn’t much to get excited about, but Luger still has a little momentum after Wrestlemania. Nothing match of course, which is what you should be expecting from this era of Raw.

Come to the Wrestlemania Revenge Tour! Assuming it’s near you! Or even if it isn’t!

Duke the Dumpster Droese is coming. It’s that time.

We see Jerry Lawler and, ahem, Doink, pieing and silly stringing Dink on Superstars but it’s Jeff Jarrett in disguise. Jarrett said he was going to take control of the situation and that is exactly what he did.

Doink the Clown vs. Mike Terrace

Dink is here with Doink as Vince teases that Jeff Jarrett might sing during the upcoming house show tour. Before we can get too far into the match, Jarrett calls into the show to talk about how bad commentary is. Doink takes Terrace down and runs over to the corner to rub Dink’s head. Dink comes in to roll onto Terrace while Jeff says he is the best clown in the world. Back up and Terrace wants a test of strength but gets taken down in a hurry. A backbreaker and elbow keep Terrace in trouble and the Whoopee Cushion (with sound effect) finishes for Doink at 2:28. This feud sums up 1994 pretty well and that’s not a good thing.

We get a video on Earthquake’s sumo career, complete with some pretty cool photos of his 24-0 career. Then he became a WWF wrestler and the rest is history, but he has a lot left to do.

It’s time for the King’s Court with Jerry Lawler, who mocks Roddy Piper’s movies and calls him a coward for not being here. With that out of the way, here are Yokozuna, Mr. Fuji and Jim Cornette to address Earthquake. Cornette talks about the old newsreel footage of Earthquake’s sumo days and says that Earthquake represents the traditional fat American.

Earthquake (the Canadian) the arm chair quarterback who thinks he can play football because he watches it every Sunday. Cornette explains that the name YOKOZUNA means grand sumo champion so of course they’ll accept the challenge. We’ll make it a sumo match with the ropes taken off of the ring. Lawler promises to find out if Undertaker is in.

A trench digger found Undertaker sleeping in the trench. Then Undertaker walked into the woods and disappeared.

Mabel vs. Mike Bell

Oscar is here with Mabel. Bell jumps him from behind to start so Mabel slaps him in the chest a few times. The big clothesline puts Bell down as Savage gets an anonymous note, saying Earthquake is in for the sumo challenge. Mabel works on a short armscissors of all things before dropping the big leg. The splash in the corner sets up the Boss Man Slam to finish Bell at 2:27.

Earthquake is in for next week.

Overall Rating: D+. The opener was good and that’s it for the positives. The King of the Ring stuff is fine for a reason for these people to be fighting but there is a firm limit to how interesting it could be. Throw in a sumo wrestling deal because they’re both big and that’s the extent of the major stories around here. Add in the bad stories and you can see why 1994 has its reputation.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and head over to my Amazon author page with 30 different cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

AND

Remember to check out Wrestlingrumors.net for all of your wrestling headline needs.




Monday Night Raw – May 2, 1994: Change

Monday Night Raw
Date: May 2, 1994
Location: Memorial Auditorium, Burlington, Vermont
Attendance: 2,500
Commentators: Randy Savage, Vince McMahon

It’s time for another new month as I keep trying to finish up 1994. This time around we are in between Wrestlemania X and King of the Ring, putting us halfway between an all time classic and one of the worst shows in recorded history. I’m not sure what that is going to mean at the moment but maybe we can get something good out of this one. Let’s get to it.

Here are last week’s results if you need a recap.

Last week, Captain Lou Albano was WAY too excited over the Headshrinkers getting a Tag Team Title shot this week. Johnny Polo (soon to be known as Raven) came out to yell so Randy Savage held him for a shot from Albano. The Quebecers ran out and it was such a mess that we had to go to the opening sequence. Did seem like a fairly hot ending though.

Opening sequence.

Tag Team Titles: Quebecers vs. Headshrinkers

The Quebecers are defending and have Johnny Polo here to balance out Afa and Albano. Pierre and Fatu start things off in a match that would be incredibly different today. Fatu runs him over without much effort and then drops Pierre with a headbutt. Jacques comes in and gets headbutted by Samu as everything breaks down. The champs are clotheslined out to the floor in a heap and it’s time to walk to the back with Polo. Hold on though as we get the old “either come back and fight or lose the titles” announcement, which Savage calls the ONLY decision. Savage doesn’t quite know what ONLY means and we take a break.

Back with Fatu slamming Pierre for two and a big chop lets Fatu pose a bit. A clothesline Fatu outside though and Jacques sends him into the steps. That shouldn’t hurt but a clothesline/STO combination seems to. Pierre is slammed onto Fatu for two and we take another break.

Back again with Samu coming in off the hot tag to clean house but misses the charge and gets his head caught in the ropes. The piledriver plants Samu and for some reason Vince thinks that would work. Instead of covering it’s the Cannonball though, with Samu rolling out of the way. Afa and Albano beat up Johnny Polo as Jacques hits Pierre by mistake. Pierre hits Jacques back and it’s back to Fatu for the double Stroke. Fatu’s top rope splash connects for the pin and the titles at 20:14.

Rating: C. The match was a lot longer than it needed to be but I’ve always liked the Headshrinkers so it was good for a smile. They were never going to be the next big thing (though they held the titles until September) but this was still in the early days of Raw when a title change was still a big deal.

King Of The Ring report, with Todd Pettengill explaining the tournament and talking about how hard it is to win. There are some qualifying matches starting this weekend with only eight spots available. The show is going to be even better with Art Donovan making a special appearance. I don’t think special is the right word.

Chief Jay Strongbow talks about how Tatanka is on the warpath. He sounds like he’s reading announcements at the local library.

Tatanka vs. Derek Domino

Make your own Eric Clapton jokes. Tatanka starts fast by ramming him into the corner a few times and snaps off a belly to back suplex. Domino hits a loud chop, which just annoys Tatanka again (you NEVER annoy Tatanka). IRS calls in to explain that he destroyed Tatanka’s headdress because there were gift taxes due. A head fake sends Domino down and a middle rope chop drops him again.

Some whips into the corner rock Domino again and a suplex has him falling over like a row of….never mind. Commentary does its pop culture stuff before moving on to Doink wanting revenge on Jeff Jarrett. We hit the armbar, because this match needs an armbar almost four minutes in. Domino gets in a few more shots but Tatanka goes on the war path to start the comeback. The Papoose To Go finishes Domino at 5:18.

Rating: D. This was a good bit longer than it needed to and it isn’t like Strongbow means very much in Tatanka’s corner. The armbar in the middle made me wonder how in the world this could have kept going, but that’s 1994 WWF for you. The jobber didn’t do much good either, as Domino didn’t have much of an effect.

House show rundown.

It’s time for the King’s Court, with Jerry Lawler running down Piper’s Pit to start. Piper isn’t around anymore but he does have a new hobby: collecting dust. Speaking of relics, you have Razor Ramon, who is living life in the PAST lane. That brings us to his guest, the man who defeated Ramon for the Intercontinental Title: Diesel.

Lawler asks about the lack of Shawn Michaels, but apparently Shawn sacrificed himself to help Diesel win the title. We see a clip of Diesel knocking Shawn off the top rope (by mistake) in the title match but he’ll be back soon. As for Razor Ramon, he wasn’t quite bad enough to hold onto the title. Diesel needs something else to do though, so he wants Bret Hart and the WWF Title at King of the Ring.

Fans have been seeing the Undertaker in various places. Like…..outside on a slide!

Yokozuna vs. Mike Davis/Scott Taylor

Yokozuna has Jim Cornette and Mr. Fuji with him as usual. Yokozuna knocks Davis down to start and drops the leg as Savage reads a copy about a “world premiere movie encore”. A swinging Rock Bottom plants Taylor (the future Scotty 2 Hotty) and he gets sent outside, which Cornette says is the Yokozuna Delivery Service. Yokozuna throws Davis in the general vicinity of the rope instead of over it, leaving Taylor to get planted with a belly to back. Back in and commentary talks about wacky things in baseball because this isn’t exactly going anywhere. A double Banzai Drop wraps it up.

Rating: D+. It could have been worse, but this was a rather slow paced squash with Yokozuna being a bit beyond the point where this was impressive. It was hardly terrible but you’re only going to get so much out of a match like this. At least Cornette was there for a good line with the delivery service.

Post match Davis gets his own Banzai Drop, with Yokozuna sitting on him for a bit longer. There’s another for Taylor as well, with Savage begging for someone to get Yokozuna a chair. Cue Earthquake to clear Yokozuna out.

Post break Earthquake is sick of hearing about being asked when he’ll face Yokozuna so the challenge is on.

Overall Rating: D+. The opener helped a lot as it was a fairly decent match with some time to go along with the title change. We’re on the way to the King of the Ring, which is going to be a long haul because a lot of the show can’t be advertised, though Earthquake vs. Yokozuna in a total freak show match could be a bit of fun. The rest though….egads this could be rough.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and head over to my Amazon author page with 30 different cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

AND

Remember to check out Wrestlingrumors.net for all of your wrestling headline needs.