Wrestlemania IX
Date: April 4, 1993
Location: Caesar’s Palace, Las Vegas, Nevada
Attendance: 16,981
Commentators: Jim Ross, Randy Savage, Bobby Heenan

We’re into the Monday Night Raw era as things are definitely shifting to a new generation. The main event tonight is Bret Hart defending the title against the new monster known as Yokozuna. Other than that we’ve got Beefcake/Hogan challenging Money Inc. for the tag titles in a match that sounds odd when I type it for some reason. Let’s get to it.

Gorilla Monsoon is host this year, which means we need a new commentator. We’ll get to that in a bit, but first of all let’s acknowledge the theme of the show: the World’s Largest Toga Party. Yeah that’s not going to get stupid at all.

Jim Ross debuts on WWF TV for the first time ever in a surprise jump from the other company. Granted it was about a year or so since JR was last seen but it was still surprising.

Cesar and Cleopatra are introduced to the crowd.

Randy Savage comes out on a sedan with the vestal virgins. Bobby Heenan is brought out riding a camel backwards, which he claims was supposed to be the sedan. Funny bit here.

Intercontinental Title: Tatanka vs. Shawn Michaels

Shawn is defending of course and has the debuting Luna Vachon behind him. Tatanka is still undefeated here and would be so until much later in the year. Shawn’s former manager, Sensational Sherri, comes down the aisle to stare at Shawn and presumably be in Tatanka’s corner. Tatanka takes Shawn down a few times to start and they fight over arm control. Shawn comes back with a headlock and climbs the ropes to roll Tatanka down with it for two.

The champion tries it again but gets caught in a belly to back suplex for two this time instead. Shawn goes up again but dives into an armdrag as things pick up a bit. There’s a Flair Flip in the corner and a big chop puts Shawn on the floor. Sherri and Luna get in a staredown and Luna licks the ring post. More chops keep Michaels on the floor as the fans are getting into this.

Back in again and Shawn comes off the top with a semi-botched sunset flip for two but Tatanka comes right back with an atomic drop. A DDT puts Shawn down again and Tatanka works on Shawn’s apparently bad shoulder. Shawn tries a clothesline like an idiot and hurts his own arm again. We hit another armbar but Michaels fights up, only to charge shoulder first into the post.

Back to the armbar followed by a shoulder breaker for no cover by the challenger. A top rope chop to the shoulder has Shawn in even more trouble but a second attempt jumps into the superkick. Since it’s 1993 though that doesn’t end anything so Shawn sends Tatanka out to the floor. The girls get in another staredown but Shawn hits a running clothesline off the apron to take Tatanka out again.

Instead of following up, Shawn yells at Sherri. Since he’s Shawn Michaels though, he still maintains control with a neckbreaker for two. A standing dropkick gets two for Shawn and it’s off to a chinlock. That goes nowhere so Shawn hits a modified victory roll out of the corner for two. The shoulder seems to be fine now. Tatanka counters another victory roll attempt into an electric chair to put both guys down. A very delayed cover gets two for the challenger and it’s time to go on the warpath.

Shawn gets caught in a cross body for two and a slingshot sends him face first into the post for two. The crowd is WAY into this match now. Tatanka’s Papoose To Go (Samoan Drop) is countered into a rollup for two for Shawn but he walks into a powerslam for two. Shawn sends him out to the floor and the fans chant for Sherri. Michaels dives off the apron but slams his head into the steps, knocking himself silly and causing a countout win for the racial stereotype.

Rating: B. If Tatanks wins clean here, it’s a near classic. This was a VERY solid opener with the fans getting completely into the near falls. The shoulder injury being forgotten ten minutes into it hurt things though as I can’t stand a plot point being introduced and then left completely alone. Also Tatanka should have won but it still makes for a fine opener.

Luna lays out Sherri while Tatanka celebrates not winning the title.

The Steiners are ready for the Headshrinkers.

Steiner Brothers vs. Headshrinkers

This should be solid stuff. The Shrinkers are Samu and Fatu (Rikishi) here. Historic moment: JR calls this match a slobberknocker, unleashing the term on the wrestling world. The Headshrinkers have Afa as their manager, which will be mentioned later. Scott and Fatu start things off and after being shoved by the Samoan, Scott easily takes him down by the legs. A big old Steiner Line flips Fatu inside out but the Headshrinkers take Scott into the corner to work him over.

The Steiners are sent to the floor so they both climb to the top and hit a double Steiner Line to take both Samoans out to the floor. We settle down to Scott vs. Fatu again but it’s quickly off to Rick. Apparently Luna has attacked Sherri at the first aid station. Samu pounds on Rick in the corner and hits a running clothesline, only to be taken down by a running forearm/clothesline. Samu goes face first into the post to absolutely no effect, because he’s Samoan you see.

Back to Scott but Afa gets on the apron for a distraction. Scott charges into a hot shot to send him out to the floor in a NASTY looking bump. Afa cracks his staff over Scott’s back which looked great and sounded even greater. Things settle down a bit and Fatu hits a backbreaker and middle rope headbutt for two on Scott. A spinning kick to the face takes Scott down again but Samu charges into a boot in the corner.

Fatu blocks the hot tag by knocking Scott to the floor where he gets sent face first into the post. In a sweet sequence, Scott tries to ram Fatu’s head into the mat but Fatu pops up and superkicks Scott right back down. A modified Demolition Decapitatior gets two on Scott and let’s hit that nerve hold. Scott fights up and they collide as is common in tag matches. Heenan keeps ripping on JR and Oklahoma as Ross has almost no idea what to make of this kind of sarcasm. That says a lot when he used to work with Jim Cornette.

Back to Samu who goes up top, only to miss a top rope splash. The hot tag brings in Rick but a double headbutt immediately puts him back down. Here’s your awesome spot of the match: Rick gets loaded up in a Doomsday Device position but when Samu dives at him with a cross body, Rick catches him in mid air and powerslams/belly to belly suplexes him off Fatu’s shoulders and down. AWESOME looking move and they hit it perfectly. Scott hits a belly to belly on Fatu but Samu hits a superkick to take him right back down. Out of NOWHERE Scott hits the Frankensteiner for the pin. Nice bump from a guy that big.

Rating: B. I liked this one as much as I liked the opener which is saying a lot. This probably should have kicked the show off as the spots were hitting better and the fans were popping a lot louder, but I can get why they went with a title match. I’m a Headshrinkers fan so seeing them hold their own against one of the best teams ever is a very fun sight. Good match here and that powerslam was great.

Strap yourselves in now people, because it’s ALL downhill from here.

We cut to the back where Doink has desecrated a statue of Julius Caesar. This is when Doink is still the evil clown which had a ton of potential, but they of course had to make him kid friendly because that’s how wrestling works. The idea here is that Doink has been using evil pranks on Crush, including beating him with a prosthetic arm.

Crush vs. Doink the Clown

This is during Crush-A-Mania when he was on the verge of getting the mega push to the stars which would never happen. Crush chases him around the ring to start and slams Doink on the floor before pounding Doink in the face a bit. Doink tries to punch back but Crush no sells everything. Back inside and Crush hits a neckbreaker for no cover. A neck snap over the top keeps Doink down as does a backbreaker. We’re three minutes in and it’s all Crush so far.

As Crush is hitting some Sheamus forearms on the apron, Doink hits a kind of Stunner on the top rope to take over. A few top rope forearms to the back of Crush’s head keeps us in clown control and a lame piledriver gets no cover. Doink actually slams him but goes up top and jumps into a boot to the jaw. A cross body attempt by the Clown doesn’t work as Crush hits a powerslam before clotheslining Doink to the floor.

Doink tries to crawl under the ring but gets hit with a gorilla press back in the ring. Crush puts on the head vice (finisher) but as Doink gets to the ropes, the referee is bumped. The vice goes on again but another Doink comes out from under the ring with the cast. He blasts Crush in the head with it and the original Doink gets the pin.

Rating: D+. This was basically a squash until Doink got in some not terrible offense. Again though, this was when Crush was about to get pushed to the moon, so he loses to Doink? The Clown character had a ton of potential, but instead of going with something interesting like the Joker, we got FUN Doink soon after this, because that’s interesting stuff right?

Japanese tourist jokes aren’t funny so here are a bunch of them.

Razor Ramon vs. Bob Backlund

This is right before Razor turned face and it’s clear why given how big the pop he gets here is. Backlund offers a handshake and gets a toothpick in the face instead. A LOUD Razor chant opens things up as Backlund is shoved into the corner. Ramon slams him down and stomps away as Savage brings up Lex Luger knocking Bret Hart out cold earlier today.

It comes up out of nowhere in the middle of this match because there’s no reason for this match to take place. Leave it to JR to bring it back to the match as Backlund makes his comeback. A butterfly suplex puts Razor down and there’s Backlund’s atomic drop. That gets no cover though, as Razor grabs a small package to pin the wrestler with a wrestling move.

Rating: D. This was a squash at a Wrestlemania in 1993. Razor would be turning face soon after this while Backlund did nothing at all for a LONG time until he went nuts and actually won the world title. Nothing to see here though and it was clear that the announcers didn’t care about the match at all.

We recap Money Inc. attacking Brutus Beefcake and injuring his face (again) on Raw. Hulk Hogan was watching and came back to save his little buddy. The champions (Money Inc.) says they’ll bankrupt Hogan and Beefcake. Oh and we hear about a black eye that Hogan has from working in the gym the previous night. I’ve heard a bunch of stories over that before, but the most common one I hear is Savage decking him in the eye because he thought Liz had cheated on him with Hogan. The other version (and possibly the real one) is that Hogan had an accident on a Jet-Ski.

Tag Titles: Money Inc. vs. Mega Maniacs

Jimmy Hart is with the challengers because of how the champions hurt Beefcake. Hogan and Beefcake clear the ring while the music is still playing as the match begins. The champions stall on the floor for awhile until we get down to Beefcake (in a red/yellow mask) vs. I.R.S. The tax dude immediately goes for the face and it’s off to DiBiase for more of the same. DiBiase hits a middle rope ax handle to the mask and injures himself in the process. Ted continues to act way dumber than he is by ramming the mask into the buckle. So why did the punches work earlier?

Beefcake rams DiBiase’s head into the buckle instead and in the match we should have gotten five years ago, it’s Hogan vs. DiBiase. Ten punches in the corner put Ted down so Hogan pounds on the mat a bit. Off to Beefcake for a slam before it’s back to hogan for more punching. DiBiase ducks low and is immediately punched in the face again. I.R.S. comes in again and is punched by both Maniacs. All challengers so far.

The champions try to walk out but Finkus Maximus (remember the Roman theme) says that if they leave, they lose the titles. They get back in and the fans are chanting for Hogan. Ted goes for the throat to finally take over and I.R.S. chokes away a bit from the floor. More choking by DiBiase ensues before he cranks it up with the Million Dollar Dream. Savage: “They’re hanging from the rafter! Well they would if they had rafters. They have columns here and they’re hanging from them!”

I.R.S. tries to interfere for some reason but it allows Beefcake to come in with his own sleeper and put DiBiase out to break the hold and buy Hogan a breather. Hogan pops up and the double tag brings in Schyster to face Beefcake. An atomic drop puts Ted on the floor but the tax dude gets in a shot to Beefcake’s back to take over. Dibiase comes back in and rips the mask off of Brutus’ face so the champions can work over the face.

Beefcake comes back with a double clothesline out of nowhere but instead of tagging he puts I.R.S. in the sleeper. Ted breaks it up but the referee is bumped in the process. Hogan comes in like a hero and hits both guys with the steel mask but there’s no referee. What else do you do in this situation? You have Jimmy Hart turn his jacket inside out so it has white and black stripes and have him count then CELEBRATE LIKE YOU WON THE FREAKING BELTS. Another referee comes out to explain to Hogan how stupid he is and give Money Inc. the win by DQ.

Rating: D+. The match was ok at best but the ending is so dumb that I can barely comprehend it. I mean…..HOW STUPID CAN HOGAN POSSIBLY BE??? The guy has been around for nearly ten years and he thinks that would actually work? The match was just ok as it was mainly choking and punching for the first half, which is decent but nothing mind blowing. Then the ending sucked the life out of my brain which is normal for Hogan a lot of the time.

Lots of posing ensues but then the Maniacs open Money Inc.’s briefcase. They find tax forms, cash, and a brick. Heenan: “Well you never know when you’re gonna need a brick.” Hogan gives the money away and Heenan is suddenly a huge fan.

Todd Petingill finds Natalie Cole (singer I think) and the owner of Caesar’s Palace who are as riveting as you would expect.

Mr. Perfect says he’s going to solve the Lex Luger puzzle.

Lex Luger vs. Mr. Perfect

That sounds pretty awesome on paper. Anyway, Luger is the Narcissist at this point and comes out with some women in bikinis with thongs, sending Heenan through the roof. Well over the top of the columns at least. Perfect gets a very solid pop here but he would be used sparingly until he left in the fall. They trade headlocks to start and Luger bails to the corner. Now they trade hammerlocks and Luger bails to the ropes again.

Perfect hits a dropkick to send Luger to the outside as the crowd is staying hot. Back in and Luger starts using the power but Perfect blocks a big boot attempt. There’s the Robinsdale Crunch on Luger’s knee and Perfect cranks on it a bit for fun. We head to the corner for some LOUD chops but Lex whips him into the corner a few times to take over. We head to the floor with Luger ramming the injured back into the apron, followed by a backbreaker in the ring for two.

Perfect fights out of the corner with right hands but Luger scoops his legs and puts his own feet on the ropes for two. Mr. comes back with a nice sunset flip for two but a quick sleeper attempt is broken up. Back up and they slug it out a bit more with Perfect hitting a backdrop to take over. A slingshot sends Luger into the buckle and a forearm to the head gets two. Perfect hits a clothesline and neckbreaker for two each, as does a kind of missile dropkick. Luger wins the fight over a backslide and even though Perfect gets his feet in the ropes, Luger gets the pin anyway.

Rating: C. Decent match here but it never hit the level they were capable of. That ending was actually designed to set up something at the NEXT Wrestlemania which was unheard of at this point in time. Anyway, decent match here but it’s a disappointment due to how good this could and should have been.

Luger knocks him out post match and leaves. Perfect finally staggers after him and the fight starts again, until Shawn Michaels helps beat up Perfect.

Savage yells at Heenan for supporting Luger too much.

Gorilla Monsoon talks about the remaining matches.

Giant Gonzalez vs. Undertaker

Gonzalez is a legit 7’7 and is working for Harvey Wippleman for revenge on Undertaker after Undertaker got rid of Kamala. Taker comes out in a chariot and carrying a vulture. Undertaker literally only comes up to Gonzalez’s chest. Some uppercuts stagger the Giant but he grabs Taker by the throat to stop him cold. Taker climbs to the second rope and grabs Gonzalez by the throat, only to get hit low to stop him again.

Old School staggers the Giant a bit but he comes back with a clothesline to take over. Taker is thrown across the ring and we get a standing chinlock by the monster. The famous one fights up but gets thrown to the outside with ease. Taker is sent into the steps and we head back inside. Gonzalez pounds away a bit more but Taker slugs away, knocking Gonzalez down to one knee. Wippleman throws in a rag, which apparently the announcers can smell a chemical on from twenty feet away in an outdoor arena with over 15,000 people in it. Apparently it’s ether or something, earning Taker a DQ win.

Rating: D-. Gonzalez was AWFUL which really hurt things a lot. The main issue Undertaker had at this point was no one had any idea what to do with him. They just had him fight monsters for years on end which you can only watch for so long. This story would be reused about 12 years later with Undertaker playing Undertaker, Daivari playing Wippleman and Great Khali playing Gonzalez.

Referees check on the unconscious Undertaker as Gonzalez chokeslams a referee. The fans chant for Hogan but a gong goes off and Taker staggers out to beat up the monster.

We recap Jim Duggan being destroyed by Yokozuna. The fat man did the same to Bret Hart as well, setting up this match. In the back, Hogan says he wants the first title shot against either Hart of the Jap. His words, not mine.

Todd Pettingill continues to annoy fans.

WWF World Title: Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna

Bret is defending against Yoko who won the Royal Rumble. It wasn’t an automatic title shot yet but starting the following year it would be. Bret hits a quick dropkick and pounds away but a single shot knocks the champion away. A big tackle runs Bret over and sends him to the outside but he trips Yoko up to take him down. Bret pounds away but it doesn’t do a lot of damage. Yoko wins a battle of the clotheslines and a big old legdrop crushes the champ’s face.

Off to a nerve hold for a bit but Bret gets his feet up in the corner to block a charge. A middle rope bulldog puts the monster down for two which is a victory in and of itself. Yoko superkicks Bret down and it’s right back to the nerve hold. Bret fights up and makes his comeback, finally knocking Yoko down with a middle rope clothesline. A buckle pad is ripped off somewhere in there and Bret rams him face first into it. Yoko falls on his stomach and Bret gets the Sharpshooter, only to have Fuji throw salt in the champ’s face. That’s actually enough for the pin and the title.

Rating: D+. Bret did what he could but there’s a limit to what you can get out of a big fat guy like this. The ending is pretty lame and the match lasted less than nine minutes. That just doesn’t fit for a Wrestlemania main event but thankfully the rematch the next year would get more time and would be MUCH better.

Hogan runs out to check out Hart, so Mr. Fuji issues a challenge to Hogan for a title match RIGHT NOW. Bret tells Hogan to go get him and the fight is on.

WWF World Title: Hulk Hogan vs. Yokozuna

Fuji misses a salt through, clothesline, legdrop, new champion.

Hogan poses a lot to end the show. Yeah that’s how Wrestlemania ends: in 22 seconds.

Overall Rating: D. The opening matches are as good as you’ll find for two straight openers at Mania in a long time, but after that it’s ALL downhill. The ending here was just stupid. First off, pride or whatever, WHY WOULD YOU GIVE A FRESH HULK HOGAN A WORLD TITLE SHOT AFTER YOU JUST WON THE BELT??? On top of that, we had some stupid endings with the tag title match and the Undertaker match, making this even worse. The problem with this show is other than the openers, it isn’t entertaining. I’ve never liked this show and most people don’t either, which is easy to understand.

Ratings Comparison

Tatanka vs. Shawn Michaels

Original: B+

Redo: B

Steiner Brothers vs. Headshrinkers

Original: B+

Redo: B

Doink the Clown vs. Crush

Original: D

Redo: D+

Razor Ramon vs. Bob Backlund

Original: C-

Redo: D

Money Inc. vs. Mega Maniacs

Original: C+

Redo: D+

Lex Luger vs. Mr. Perfect

Original: C-

Redo: C

Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez

Original: F+

Redo: D-

Yokozuna vs. Bret Hart

Original: D+

Redo: D+

Yokozuna vs. Hulk Hogan

Original: N/A

Redo: N/A

Overall Rating

Original: F+

Redo: D

I actually liked it better this time. Man alive I must have been in a bad mood for the first one.

Here’s the original review if you’re interested:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2011/03/16/history-of-wrestlemania-with-kb-wrestlemania-9-wrestlemania-goes-outside/

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of the Complete Monday Nitro Reviews Volume IV at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B01AXP08DK

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Ah the joys of 80s WWF.I know this is something that’s been beaten to death but my goodness it’s amazing how much more natural Jesse and Gorilla were on commentary.  It feels like two people having a chat while watching a show.  They get in catchphrases, plug stuff and talking about the matches while also sounding like they’re professionals.  I can’t remember the last time I heard something like this without going back to some JR and King days.  It really shouldn’t be pushing ten years since I can remember natural commentary but that’s what’s happened.

Thanks to NSL for pointing this out, which he did due to the recommendation from Wrestling Wars, which you should all be listening to. Back at King of the Ring 2001, Kurt Angle suplexed Shane McMahon over and over and over.  JR’s description: “Angle is taking Shane McMahon to Suplex City.”

Wrestle Kingdom IX
Date: January 4, 2015
Location: Tokyo Dome, Tokyo, Japan
Attendance: 36,000
Commentators: Matt Striker, Jim Ross

So yet again I’ve been asked to do the biggest New Japan show of the year. I usually can’t stand doing these because I have no idea what’s going on and I really don’t care to know. However, this time the show has English commentary, which could be a solution to a lot of my problems. That being said, Matt Striker is on commentary and I don’t particularly care for him to put it mildly. Let’s get to it.

The pre-show match has Japanese commentary so I apologize for not knowing any stories that I may be missing.

Pre-Show: New Japan Rumble

As far as I can tell, it’s a fifteen man Royal Rumble with pinfall, submission or over the top eliminations and what seem to be one minute intervals. Tiger Mask is in at #1 and Yuji Nagata (remember him from WCW? There’s a good chance you slept through most of his matches) is in at #2. Tiger fires off kicks to start but Nagata bails into the corner. They go to a test of strength followed by a Nagata chinlock until Taichi, who appears to be a rock star and is flanked by lackey bandmates El Desperado and Taka Michinoku, are in all at once at #3, #4 and #5.

The match just stops as the trio gets in, as wrestling matches tend to do in this situation. Tiger Mask takes a microphone to the face and Taichi hits Nagata low for a fast three count from Taka. They can’t throw Tiger Mask over though and Jushin Thunder Liger (again, you might remember him but for much better reasons) is in at #6. The running palm strikes put everyone down and Michinoku is put in the surfboard with a dragon sleeper added for good measure. That always looked awesome.

We must have one minute intervals because Sho Tanaka is in at #7. I’m not sure why but everyone is coming in from the side of the big ramp for a reason that isn’t given. Well maybe it is but I don’t speak Japanese. Taichi is getting beaten up in the corner. Hiro Saito is in at #8 and looks to be about 172 years old. Liger charges right at him but gets caught by a slow motion spinebuster and a backsplash. No eliminations so far.

Another spinebuste and backsplash have Tiger Mask in trouble and everyone except Taichi and company pair off. Yohei Komatsu is in at #9 as Saito is getting double teamed. They really have to double team a guy that old and slow? Tanaka puts him in a chinlock as this is just a standard battle royal with no one trying eliminations. As the brawling circles around the ring, the wide shots showing how big the Tokyo Dome is really are impressive. This place is freaking huge.

Captain New Japan, a superhero/mascot character, is in at #10 and the ring is getting way too full. The Captain uppercuts everyone down and seems to be a crowd favorite. Tama Tonga (Haku/Meng’s son) is in at #11 and crawls along the mat ala Goldust, only to easily dump out Captain New Japan. Desperado hits Liger low and they head to the apron, only to have both guys get dropkicked out to the floor.

Yoshi-Hashi is in at #12 and comes out carrying a big stick, which doesn’t make it into the ring. The match slows way down again with a lot of people just standing around the ropes and now even fighting. Saito gets double teamed again as Liger and Taichi are fighting in the aisle. Manabu Nakanashi is in at #13 and takes his sweet time getting to the ring.

The ring is way too full again and Yoshiaki Fujiwara (65 years old and the inventor of the Fujiwara Armbar) is in at #14, limping out to Flight of the Valkyries. He headbutts Tiger Mask a few times and gets in a lockup with Nagata, which seems to be a big deal. A low blow and headbutt have Yuji in trouble and the 66 year old Great Kabuki rounds out the field at #15. The final grouping is Nagata, Tiger Mask, Taichi, Michinoku, Tanaka, Saito, Komatsu, Tonga, Hashi, Nakanashi, Fujiwara and Kabuki. In other words, WAY too many people.

Again, everyone stops to watch Kabuki get in, which takes far too long as he has to disrobe and play with knunchucks. Taichi and Taka go right for him with Taka taking red mist, sending him right into the Fujiwara Armbar for a submission. Everyone piles on Fujiwara for a pin as the field is getting thinned out quickly. Apparently the mist disqualified Kabuki, who probably couldn’t take a bump anyway. Taichi gets sunset flipped and jackknifed pinned by I believe Funaki and Komatsu (I lost track of who everyone was a long time ago) to get us down to eight.

Saito misses a middle rope backsplash and gets gang pinned as well. Are they really that worried about old guys sticking around? I believe Funaki and Komatsu (they’re two guys who look alike and are wearing identical black trunks) dropkick Tiger Mask out but get surrounded by Nakanashi and Nagata. Nakanashi, who looks like a gorilla, suplexes both of them down and racks Tanaka for an elimination. Tonga gets racked as well but Komatsu makes a save, allowing Tonga to small package Nakanashi for a pin. Tonga pays him back with a DDT and pin, leaving us with Hashi, Tonga and Nagata.

Tama tries a charge and gets backflipped to the floor, only to have Nagata wake up and suplex Hashi in half. Hashi comes back with a hard clothesline but Nagata hooks his kneeling armbar into a cross armbreaker, only to have Hashi get into the ropes. Back up and a bridging belly to back suplex gives Nagata the winning pin.

Rating: D+. I know New Japan is supposed to be the greatest promotion in the history of this planet and all others, but they’re not great at battle royals. That being said, this was clearly just a way to get everyone on the show, which has long since been a tradition on these major shows. However, I really don’t like the guys in their 60s being out there. I know it gives the live fans a thrill, but it looks really sad seeing these guys looking like they do and barely able to move.

We get a long, as in like nine minutes long, video recapping all of the matches. I have no idea what’s going on but it looks really cool.

IWGP Junior Heavyweight Tag Team Titles: Time Splitters vs. Young Bucks vs. Forever Hooligans vs. ReDRagon

This would be like Cruiserweight Tag Team Titles. The Time Splitters are Alex Shelley and Kushida, Forever Hooligans are Alex Kozlov and Rocky Romero and ReDRagon, the champions coming in (as well as the ROH Tag Team Champions), are Bobby Fish and Kyle O’Reilly. The Time Splitters are a Back to the Future inspired team, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. The Bucks are Matt and Nick Jackson and they like to use superkicks. One fall to a finish here. Striker’s advise on how to learn more about these teams: use the Google. So why does he get a paycheck for this show again?

Kushida and Fish get things going with Kushida taking him down by the arm. He rides Fish into a nice technical sequence until both guys try dropkicks. For once it’s not a standoff with Kushida hitting another dropkick, allowing Shelley to tag himself in for a knee to the ribs. The Young Bucks (members of the Bullet Club. Expect to hear that name a lot tonight) come in and are easily sent back to the floor.

The Time Splitters stay on offense but Fish sends Kushida into Shelley, knocking Alex off the apron. Kozlov tags himself in for a headscissors on Fish, followed by a double stomp for two. Fish makes a quick tag to kick Kozlov in the back before it’s back to Fish for a running forearm. It’s still weird to hear the crowd go silent to the point where you can hear almost every sound the wrestlers make. The Bucks try to double team Kyle but Nick winds up kicking Max in the face by mistake. Serves them right.

Back in and Nick tells Romero to suck it, only to have Kozlov kick him in the face. Everyone gets in the ring with Romero nailing everyone with clotheslines in the corner as Striker goes on about Black Tiger. Nick knees out of a double suplex attempt but it’s Kushida coming in to knock everyone down. Max gets taken down by a DDT and Shelley drops Romero with a running knee off the apron.

Now it’s O’Reilly diving off the apron at Shelley but eating a superkick for his efforts. Romero trips up Kushida and dives at Shelley, only to have Kozlov dive on both of them. Not to be outdone, Nick kicks the Hooligans down and Max hits a big corkscrew dive onto all of them. It’s the champs’ turn now as Kushida dives on everyone at once and the Time Splitters take over.

Back inside and the Splitters start using a bunch of Motor City Machine Guns moves, including Skull and Bones but with a Kushida moonsault instead of a splash (Outta Time). Kozlov breaks up an elevated Sliced Bread #2 with a tag (why not wait until after Nick was knocked silly?) but the Bucks start busting out the superkicks.

They have to flip out a double Doomsday Device attempt (that looked awesome) and it’s time for a superkick party. Nick loads up Romero for a tombstone and Max springboard flips into….nothing as he just lands behind Romero as he lands with the, I kid you not, Meltzer Driver. See because it’s an insider name. Kushida drops the champs with a double Tajiri Elbow but takes a double superkick for his efforts.

Fish saves his partner from More Bang For Your Buck and some running knees in the corner set up something like the Demolition Decapitator’s second cousin twice removed (a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker into a middle rope knee drop) for two on Shelley. ReDRagon hits a DDT into a wheelbarrow suplex (cool) on Nick and a super falcon’s arrow sends Max flying. Romero saves Kozlov from Chasing the Dragon (brainbuster/kick to the back combo) but Kozlov takes it a few seconds later for the pin to retain.

Rating: B. This was about what I was expecting and as usual with matches like this one, there’s a firm cap on how high I can rate them. The main things holding this back are the length of the match (cut out about a minute or two and it’s a lot better) and how similar some of the guys out there look. I kept losing track of who was in the ring and who I was watching as they look so much alike and you have to see the backs of their trunks to tell them apart. Still though, really fun opener and good stuff.

So far, Striker and Ross have just been glorified background noise. Then again, it helped that I was familiar with everyone in the preious match.

Jeff Jarrett/Bad Luck Fale/Yujiro Takahashi vs. Hiroyoshi Tenzan/Satoshi Kojima/Tomoaki Honma

Jarrett’s team is part of the Bullet Club, Takahashi is a turncoat and Fale (pronounced Fah-lei) is a monster. Tenzan and Kojima are a legendary tag team and Honma used to be a death match wrestler in Big Japan. Surprisingly enough it’s Ross bringing up Tenzan vs. Savage at Starrcade 1995. It’s a brawl to start the Bullet Club in early trouble. A double headbutt has Takahashi in trouble and it’s Kojima….gently tapping his chest in the corner. The idea is that they’re so fast they hurt more but I didn’t buy it with Kobashi and I don’t buy it here.

Fale runs Kojima over in the corner and it’s off to Jarrett for a Jake Roberts short arm clothesline. Some big shots from Fale set up Takahashi for some cocky kicks to the back of the head. Kojima hits a quick Diamond Cutter and makes the tag off to Honma for some clotheslines and chops. He misses a falling headbutt attempt though and walks into a fisherman’s buster for two. Apparently Honma is a guy who never quits but isn’t that bright. There’s always a role for someone like that in wrestling.

Scott D’Amore (remember him?) uses a Karen Jarrett (remember her?) distraction to send in the guitar but Jeff hits Takahashi by mistake before taking a double belly to back suplex. Fale gets clotheslined to the floor and a 3D from Tenzan and Kojima sets up a falling headbutt from Takahashi (which, according to Striker, never hits. See, THAT is why you have English commentary) for the pin.

Rating: C. Totally acceptable six man tag here which didn’t stick around long enough to overstay its welcome. Jarrett is a great addition to any company, because even though he’s 47, he looks almost exactly the same as he did back in 1999 and wrestles a very smooth style. The rest of the match was fine and the kind of match you need to let the crowd breathe a little bit during a major show.

Toru Yano/Naomichi Marufuchi/Mikey Nicholls/Shane Haste vs. Shelton X. Benjamin/Lance Archer/Davey Boy Smith Jr./Takashi Iizuka

This place loves their tag matches. Benjamin’s team is part of Suzukigun, another big heel stable led by Minoru Suzuki. On the other side, everyone but Yano is from Pro Wrestling Noah, where Marufuchi is the GHC (World Heavyweight) Champion. Nicholls and Haste are an Australian tag team known as TMDK (The Mighty Don’t Kneel. Iizuka turned on former partner Yano to set up this match. Got all that? I do, because there’s English commentary (and Wikipedia) for a change.

It’s a brawl to start with the chubby Yano getting jumped by Iizuka. That’s fine with Yano, who calmly grabs Iizuka’s beard to slow him down. Yano rips off a buckle pad (remember that they’re columns instead of individual pads) but gets blasted in the head with it for his efforts. Thankfully Striker mentions that there’s a metal bar inside, even though the whole thing bent like it was made of paper. Off to Shelton for the Dragon Whip before Archer and Smith hit a Hart Attack with Lance playing Bret. Archer misses a charge into the exposed buckle and bounces head first off the buckle.

TMDK comes in to hammer on Archer and Smith (the Killer Elite Squad), including a powerslam to Smith. Back up and Archer gives Haste one of the biggest chokeslams I’ve ever seen but doesn’t cover. Instead it’s off to Iizuka vs. Marufuchi with Marufuchi firing off a quick series of strikes, only to have Shelton run the ropes and superplex him down. Everything breaks down and Iizuka brings in a foreign (maybe it’s domestic in this case) object but Marufuchi stops him with a superkick. TMDK adds a double gorilla press sitout slam, followed by an uppercut knee from Marufuchi to pin the knocked out Iizuka.

Rating: D+. I didn’t care for this one nearly as much, even though it was shorter. The story helped, but this felt much more like setting up something for later on. TMDK was good and looked like a polished team with potential, but Marufuchi felt more like a standard Japanese guy who would get on my nerves after more than just a few minutes. Yano was overweight and that’s about all I have to say about him. Archer and Smith continue to be a team that WWE seemed to miss the boat on, but the last time I said that it resulted in Tensai.

Minoru Suzuki vs. Kazushi Sakuraba

This is treated as a big deal and you can only win by knockout or submission. I really hope this doesn’t turn into an MMA style match. Naturally, Striker immediately starts talking about UFC and MMA which takes away a lot of my hope. Suzuki is the head of the Suzukigun (Suzuki’s Army) stable. Both guys here are over 45 as age isn’t nearly as big of a deal in Japan. Striker and Ross immediately start calling these two the most important/best MMA fighters of all time, which really means nothing to me as this is a wrestling show, but if you can say they’re the same things online, why not in a company as well?

Feeling out process to start and they head to the mat for a fast paced exchange into a standoff. Suzuki gets on his back and kicks at Sakuraba but has to escape a Sharpshooter attempt by rolling into the ropes. They stay in the ropes for the better part of ever, which makes sense given that you can’t lose by DQ. JR won’t shut up about MMA until Suzuki grabs a triangle choke around the top rope.

They tumble out to the floor and start slugging it out on the ramp as Striker finally mentions the wrestling story here: Sakuraba helped Yano after Iizuka turned on him, triggering the feud with Suzuki. Now why did I have to listen to all that MMA talk first? Sakuraba grabs a Kimura on the ramp, which Striker describes as legendary. The referee breaks the hold and sends Sakuraba back to the ring. Striker and Ross talk about the twenty count in this match not two minutes after saying the match can’t end via countout. Well to be fair it’s better than just Japanese I can’t understand.

Back in and Sakuraba fires off a bunch of kicks and Suzuki looks mildly annoyed. He’s back up at eight though so Sakuraba goes back to the kicks. Suzuki slaps him in the face a few times, probably due to bad psychology for not going after Suzuki’s bad arm. Sakuraba hooks a cross armbreaker but Suzuki gets in the ropes. Again that shouldn’t matter but it’s something you have to live with.

Suzuki takes a nine count (why it’s in English is anyone’s guess) and it’s time to no sell! You knew this was coming at some point. Even kicks to the arm have no effect because adrenaline heal potentially broken arms. Suzuki kicks him in the face, setting up a rear naked choke for the referee stoppage.

Rating: D+. Yeah whatever. I’ve never cared for this style of a match and I still can’t stand it here. I watch wrestling to see wrestling, not old guys doing MMA style stuff. I’m sure I just don’t get some cultural thing here and the Japanese fans seemed to like it but I just do not care about stuff like this. JR and Striker loved it though and it’s very annoying hearing them casually talk about wrestling and then get WAY into the MMA style match.

Never Openweight Title: Tomohiro Ishii vs. Togi Makabe

Never is an acronym for “New blood, Evolution, Valiantly, Eternal, Radical” and this is basically a midcard title. Makabe is insane and Ishii is a guy who wrestled forever before finally winning a title last year. Ishii is defending and comes in with a heavily taped shoulder. They go right to the short range forearms that you see in ROH and my head begins to hurt again. Ishii powerslams him down as this is already a hard hitting brawl. Chops and right hands are no sold for a bit until more chops actually put Makabe down.

Makabe says bring it on and the chops have no effect. Ishii sells some right hands and takes the ten weakest punches in the corner that I can ever remember. They slug it out again until Makabe hooks a quick northern lights suplex for two. Back up and it’s the champ’s turn to no sell forearms and Striker says this is the answer to “is pro wrestling real?” The answer to that would be no, because people don’t usually growl at you when you repeatedly hit them in the head.

Ishii powerbombs him down for two but walks into a discus lariat to change control again. A German suplex (Striker calls it a German suplex hold for some reason) gets two for Makabe so he loads up the super German, only to get knocked into a Tree of Woe. Makabe does a pretty awesome looking situp and a top rope Samoan drop (not a fireman’s carry drop Striker) is good for another two. A huge lariat only gets one for Makabe and frustration is starting to set in.

He’s so frustrated that he no sells a German suplex but gets clotheslined for two. They trade more standing clotheslines until Makabe FINALLY goes after the shoulder…..which doesn’t have much effect. A chop and seated clothesline get two for Ishii and a dragon suplex gets the same for Makabe. They trade more forearms and shout at each other in Japanese until Makabe ax handles him in the chest. About the 38^th clothesline gets two more for Makabe and a top rope knee drop of all things gives him the pin and the title.

Rating: C-. This is a hard one for me to grade as I completely get the idea behind the match but I can’t stand it. It’s cool to see people beat each other up, but that growling at each other and no selling the strikes drives me up a wall. All I ask is that you at least stagger a bit and act like it had an effect. Otherwise, it looks like a waste of time, especially when the forearms don’t look all that hard. I’ve never been a fan of this style and I don’t think I ever will be. The ending was questionable too as this needed a big spot, and the Ivan Koloff’s old finisher doesn’t quite do it.

Ads for upcoming shows.

IWGP Junior Heavyweight Title: Kenny Omega vs. Ryusuke Taguchi

This is basically the Cruiserweight Title and Omega, a member of Bullet Club with the Young Bucks in his corner, is challenging. Ross likens Omega to Brian Pillman as he’s a bit off kilter. Taguchi has been feuding with Bullet Club since the team’s debut, when Prince Devitt (Finn Balor, which Striker mispronounces) turned on Taguchi to found the team. They take each other up to the ropes with only Taguchi (called the Funky Weapon) offering a clean break.

They speed things up until Taguchi hits a Rear View to take over but first, a Rude hip swivel. Omega’s hurricanrana attempt is countered into an ankle lock before Omega is quickly sent to the floor. The Bucks offer a distraction and Omega blasts Taguchi in the eyes with cold spray (used to help with injuries after matches). JR: “That’s not too cool.” Striker: “No but it is too sweet.” It should be noted that Bullet Club does the Too Sweet hand sign to make it even better. Omega gets two off a running elbow in the corner. Nick Jackson: “You’re the worst referee in the business.”

Taguchi blocks a suplex attempt but Omega shows off a surprising amount of power by just muscling him up. He walks around instead of covering though and JR gets back into his old form by asking why Omega isn’t covering. Kenny misses a spinwheel kick and Nick trips Taguchi, only to have the champ sidestep a charging Omega, sending him into the Bucks. Taguchi hits a big dive of his own, making him seem more like a standard cruiserweight. Back in and Omega escapes Three Amigos before taking out Taguchi’s knee.

Kenny’s cover gets two and SWEET GOODNESS his eyes are freaky looking. They’re bugging out of his skull before he loads up a buckle bomb, only to have Taguchi hurricanrana him into the buckle for a sweet counter. Back up and Kenny dropkicks him out of the air, followed by a sweet gutwrench sitout powerbomb for another near fall. A faceplant gets the same on Kenny and it’s back to the ankle lock.

Taguchi mocks the Too Sweet sign but Kenny blocks what looked to be a torture rack attempt and hits a hard German suplex. He throws Taguchi onto his shoulders for an electric chair but drops him down into a driver (the One Winged Angel. He’s a Final Fantasy fan?) for the pin and the title.

Rating: B. This took its time but got rolling eventually. Omega certainly deserved the win here as he was blowing Taguchi out of the water for most of the match. The visuals on his face were outstanding and made the match that much better. Really fun match here with Kenny being all confident but just knocking Taguchi silly with all his his high powered offense. I had a good time with this and liked it a lot more than I was expecting to.

Tag Team Titles: Hirooki Goto/Katsuyori Shibata vs. Doc Gallows/Karl Anderson

Anderson and Gallows are defending and part of Bullet Club, meaning they’re accompanied by Tama Tonga and the Bullet Babe (Gallows’ wife, indy wrestler Amber O’Neal). Goto and Shibata beat them to win the World’s Strongest Tag League in 2014. JR compares Karl Anderson to Arn Anderson which is some of the highest praise you can get.

Goto and Anderson, former partners, start things off with a stalemate out of a quick sequence on the mat. The challengers are in trouble early as they’re sent into each other on the apron and Gallows kicks Goto’s head off for the early advantage. Back in and the champs hit a pair of splashes for two on Goto with a leg lariat getting the same for Anderson.

The monster Gallows comes in (it’s amazing how much better he is with some intensity instead of just being a standard big man) to exchange some clotheslines with Goto and the champ goes down. Off to Shibata who nails a running dropkick as everything breaks down. The champs take running dropkicks in the corner and a double belly to back suplex gets two on Gallows. Anderson comes back with a backbreaker, setting up a standing Demolition Decapitator for two on Goto.

A reverse 3D gets the same on Shibata but Goto breaks up a Tornadoplex (AJ Styles and Tomko’s old move, where Gallows loads up a spinning suplex with Anderson adding a spinning side slam) and AA’s Anderson onto his knee. Gallows chokeslams Shibata for the same but the challengers pop up to double team the monster. A bunch of kicks from Gotp set up a running kick to the chest for the pin and the titles.

Rating: C. This wasn’t bad but I didn’t get a big feeling from the title change. Goto and Shibata feel like any two guys who happen to be fighting the champs. The problem here though is I’ve only been told about the history here. A video package of the champs being dominant and then losing to Shibata and Goto in the tournament final would have helped, but the talking about it is far better than nothing.

The new champs sit down in the ring to pose.

AJ Styles vs. Tetsuya Naito

Styles is Bullet Club and Striker plays up the two broken necks from Styles Clashes. AJ goes right after him at the bell and tries the Clash but Naito sends him to the apron. They head outside with AJ moonsaulting to the floor but landing on his feet. Back in and Naito hits a top rope dropkick but AJ comes back with a Stunner on the leg to slow down the high flier. Psychology is fun.

A Robinsdale Crunch sets up an Indian deathlock as AJ keeps mixing up the offense. I love it when people avoid just doing the same moves over and over because there are so many different things you can do. Naito comes back with some right hands and a neckbreaker out of the corner. The knee gives out though and AJ hits that springboard forearm (love that move) to take over again.

AJ tries a suplex into a neckbreaker but slips up on the landing. Yes, people do botch things in New Japan too. A wicked German suplex on Naito looks to set up a faceplant but Naito rolls through for two of his own. Styles pops back up and crotches him on top but Naito backflips out of a belly to back superplex. It jams the knee again though and AJ puts on the Calf Killer (which Striker screws up by calling it the Calf Killer), eventually sending Naito diving to the ropes for the break. AJ fights out of something like a German suplex but gets caught in a dragon suplex for two.

Naito’s leg is suddenly fine so AJ Pele’s him down for a lack of selling. Sunday Bloody Sunday (a single arm implant DDT which used to be Devitt’s finishing move) looks to set up the Clash but Naito backdrops him to the floor. After a quick breather, AJ sends him into the buckle but collapses, allowing Naito to hit a slingshot dropkick. He loads up a top rope Frankensteiner but gets caught in a super Styles Clash (now with 100% less neck breaking) for the pin.

Rating: B. I liked the match and AJ’s offense made perfect sense, but having him in the finisher leg lock and then Naito hitting dropkicks and trying high risk offense made my eyes roll. What good can AJ do if Naito won’t keep selling the leg injury? They had a good story going here though and the action was good enough. Solid match and one of the better AJ matches I’ve seen in a good while. See what happens when you get away from the overrated TNA roster?

Video on Nakamura vs. Ibushi. The two fought as junior heavyweights where Ibushi won a big showdown, so tonight they’re fighting as heavyweights for Nakamura’s Intercontinental Title. This match has received rave reviews with Meltzer giving it five stars (You knew he was giving something on this show five stars) so I’m curious to see how great it is. I’ve only seen one Nakamura match and I liked it quite a bit so hopefully this lives up to that standard.

Intercontinental Title: Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Kota Ibushi

I still can’t quite describle Nakamura but he seems to be something like a Dean Ambrose who marches to his own drum. Ibushi is a very high flier who does a lot of cool looking flips. Nakamura comes to the ring in a robe and a crown to a huge reaction. He certainly has more charisma than almost anyone else tonight. I get a kind of Mick Jagger feel from him and that’s a very high compliment.

They slowly feel each other out by throwing some kicks and Nakamura drives him up against the ropes for some knees to the ribs. The champ offers him a handshake but pulls him in for a knee to the ribs, only to miss the Daniel Bryan running knee. Kota takes him down into the corner and puts his boot on Nakamura’s face, which is apparently a Nakamura signature. That would be proven correct as Nakamura does the same thing to him ten seconds later.

Another knee to the back of the head sends Ibushi to the floor as JR talks about Mr. Wrestling II. Off to a cravate from the champ and we hit the chinlock. Nakamura steps it up a bit and gets some two counts without breaking the hold. That’s a new one. Back up and Nakamura slaps him in the face over and over before they do the face to face staredown. A Backstabber puts Kota down but a hurricanrana sends Nakamura outside, setting up a huge moonsault to the floor.

Back in again and a springboard missile dropkick sends Nakamura sprawling across the ring. Nakamura backflips him to the apron, which Striker attributes to his “veteranness.” Now a normal person would just use the word “experience” there, but Striker seems to prefer to invent words that are more complicated than they need to be in an effort to sound smart. Ibushi’s second missile dropkick attempt is kicked out of the air and a front suplex sets up more knee strikes to Kota’s head.

Another running knee attempt misses and a great looking springboard hurricanrana gets two on the champ. A dragon suplex (WAY too popular of a move tonight) sets up a standing corkscrew moonsault for another near fall. Something like a Chick Kick sends Nakamura into dream land and a Last Ride sitout powerbomb (cool) gets the third straight two count. Kota misses the Phoenix Splash (moonsault into a 450) though and a big knee to the back of the head knocks him silly and both guys are down.

Back up and Nakamura stomps away but Kota just smiles at him. Kota just unloads on him with right hands and Nakamura shoves the referee down for no apparent reason. There’s a cross armbreaker on Kota but he fights up and viciously stomps Nakamura’s face to escape. A reverse T-Bone suplex sends Nakamura flying and Kota hits the champ’s running knee for two. Nakamura is all ticked off now and it turns into a slugout until Nakamura drops down so Kota can hit a standing double stomp. That was a horribly telegraphed spot.

Kota takes him over to the apron, springboards up to the top and muscles the bigger Nakamura up for a German superplex. Ok that made up for the double stomp. Freaking awesome move there. Somehow it only gets two and therefore Nakamura is going to retain. Nakamura headbutts out of something called the Phoenix suplex and elbows Kota in the head.

A middle rope knee to the back puts Kota down but it’s time for FIGHTING SPIRIT, which is Japanese for no selling. They both try knees and collide in a good spot before a fireman’s carry driver (Lucha Underground’s King Cuerno’s Thrill of the Hunt) sets up Nakamura’s running knee to retain.

Rating: A. Here’s the match where I get in trouble. I really liked this one and it’s by far the best match of the night so far, but giving this five stars is a BIG stretch. That would put this on the level of CM Punk vs. John Cena from Money in the Bank, Flair vs. Steamboat (pick one), Undertaker vs. Shawn in the Cell and Hart vs. Austin at Wrestlemania XIII? There’s no way I can see that happening, but this is Meltzer talking about Japan so you have to expect a lot of over hype.

The match itself was indeed very good though and Nakamura thankfully can do more stuff than just the knee strikes. Not a lot more mind you but at least he can mix things up. Ibushi’s strength surprised me here and he looked like someone who could succeed anywhere. Really good match here and worth checking out. It’s not as good as it’s hyped up as, but most matches rarely are.

Nakamura bows to Ibushi post match and grabs the mic to say……I have no idea actually. Striker offers some websites to find out the translation, because the idea of having a translator there on sight is too complicated I guess.

We recap Tanahashi vs. Okada, which is the NJPW equivalent of Rock vs. Austin. They’ve fought time after time now and traded the title for years. Tanahashi is the old guard and Okada wants to be the new top guy.

IWGP World Title: Hiroshi Tanahashi vs. Kazuchika Okada

Tanahashi is defending. Okada, 27 here and known as the Rain Maker, has an entrance video of gold coins falling for a nice touch. He also has Gedo, one of NJPW’s bookers and a famous tag wrestler, in his corner. Tanahashi, basically a superhero, plays air guitar on the way to the ring. They lock up after a minute of circling each other until they trade wristlocks. Tanahashi takes him down into a headlock but Okada reverses into one of his own. The champ tries another headlock but gets countered into a headscissors for a stalemate. They’re going for the big match feel here and they’re off to a good start.

They head into the corner and Okada nails him in the face, causing Tanahashi to go straight at him with forearms. He heads to the middle rope though and a hard running elbow knocks him down to the floor. A big boot knocks him over the barricade and an Orton DDT brings him back to the floor. They fight up the ramp where Tanahashi has to block a tombstone attempt. Instead it’s a jawbreaker to stagger Okada but he comes back with something like a Roode Bomb. JR brings up that Tanahashi has a bad back and neck, which is exactly the reason they brought him in.

Back in and Okada elbows him in the jaw but misses a backsplash. A middle rope Swanton gets two for the champ but he gets caught in a majistral cradle into a choke. Again, staying on the neck. A slingshot hilo gets two for Okada and things slow back down. They slug it out with Okada getting the better of it until they grab each other by the hair. The champ heads to the top but has to elbow out of what looks like a Samoan drop, setting up the High Fly Flow (Five Star Frog Splash) but Okada rolls away.

Something like White Noise onto the knee gets two for Okada but the Rain Maker (the move, not the person. It’s a wristlock into a big clothesline, which has been named Best Wrestling Move two years in a row in the Observer. For the life of me I don’t understand the huge appeal. It’s just a clothesline) is countered into a rollup for two. A dragon screw leg whip takes Okada down again and Tanahashi dropkicks the knee out to send Okada outside.

This time it’s Okada being sent over the barricade and getting taken down by a huge cross body. Striker: “Dare I say a Wrestle Kingdom moment???” JR’s silence is glorious. Back in and Tanahashi teases a Rain Maker but takes him down with a Sling Blade (spinning clothesline neckbreaker), only to have Okada pop up and try a tombstone, but Tanahashi reverses into one of his own. High Fly Flow hits Okada’s back and a second hits the chest for a very close two. The camera goes over to a shot of the title in a very nice touch.

Okada kicks away from an attempted Texas Cloverleaf but gets caught in another Sling Blade. Tanahashi mocks the Rain Maker post but walks into the real thing for two, which is the first time he has ever kicked out of it. They slug it out from their knees until Tanahashi reverses a tombstone into a rollup for two. A big slap staggers Okada but he grabs a backslide of all things for two, only to get caught in a German suplex for two.

Okada hits an even bigger bridging German for two more. The Rain Maker is countered into a dragon suplex for two and a big old dropkick catches Tanahashi in the jaw. JR is in full on main event mode here and it’s really working. Tanahashi twists the knee around two more times with Okada in the ropes, setting up the High Fly Flow for no cover. Instead he cranks on the knee even more, setting up a High Fly Flow to a seated Okada, followed by a fifth High Fly Flow to retain the title.

Rating: A-. So when Tanahashi does it it’s a classic but when Cena does it, he’s repetitive and only knows a few moves? I really don’t care for the repetition of a move to get a pin but it’s how main events work today. The knee work didn’t really go anywhere here and Tanahashi never even hooked the Texas Cloverleaf.

I need to get on something more positive here because it sounds like I hated this match. It’s the same rating I gave to them at this show two years ago and it’s about the same level as the previous one. This was a good, back and forth fight with both guys looking like big stars. I wouldn’t call this a classic, but it was certainly worthy of ending the biggest show of the year. They hit a point near the end with the suplexes that got me far more into things and kicking out of the Rain Maker was a nice touch.

Post match Okada leaves but Tanahashi gets on the mic to shout at him. I’m not sure what he’s saying but it doesn’t seem to be angry or mean. With Okada gone, Tanahashi seems to thank the fans but they won’t let him leave. He gives us some air guitar and collapses in a nice bit. We get a quick translation of his comments to Okada: Okada is a long way from being the ace and Tanahashi is proud of his performance. That’s kind of a heelish comment no? He takes a few more minutes to leave and we’re out of here.

Overall Rating: A. As usual, I liked the show but I have no desire to keep watching it full time. There are some very good and entertaining matches on the show and the wrestling is more than good enough to warrant sitting through this once. The worst match for me was the Suzuki match but that’s much more due to me not being a fan of the style than anything else. It’s definitely an excellent show and lived up to (most of) the hype it had. There are a lot of people I’d keep watching on here and that’s not something I often say.

Striker and Ross were fine on commentary though nothing outstanding. They were definitely a positive for the show and experience as a whole as the Japanese commentary can get annoying in a hurry since it’s just gibberish to me most of the time. Striker had some annoying moments but he was FAR better here than he usually is in Lucha Underground. Ross sounded like an old, grizzled veteran but he got into the main event, which is all you really could ask from him at this point. They could have been better, but they were a very welcome addition.

Overall I did like the show and I can see why its fans are so passionate about this company, but it’s just not something I care about enough to keep watching. For the most part I have no reason to care about most of these characters because I don’t follow them enough. The strong style still gets on my nerves and I can’t imagine ever becoming a fan of it. I like my wrestling more character based than in ring based and that’s really hard to do here when I can’t understand what’s being said most of the time.

One last thing: cutting this down to under four hours is a GREAT move. I remember one of these breaking five hours and it felt like a nightmare slogging through the whole thing. Three hours and forty five minutes (not counting the pre-show match) is acceptable for the biggest show of the year and the show never felt like it was dragging. Really good show though and worth checking out if you have the time.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book on the History of Saturday Night’s Main Event at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00SATPVKW

And check out my Amazon author page with wrestling books for under $4 at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Looking at Japan for once.  Well, at least an Oklahoman commentating on a Japanese PPV.

http://www.wrestlingrumors.net/kbs-review-thats-japanese-slobberknocker/31370/

Back to commentary with Jonathan Coachman. Yes he did wrestle.

Coach would start his in ring career in late 2003, including a match on Raw, September 1, 2003.

Jerry Lawler vs. Jonathan Coachman

We’re in Louisiana so Coach is wearing a University of Texas jersey. Lawler scores with an early right hand to stop a dancing Coach. Back up and Coach cranks on a headlock but is easily slammed down. Cue Coach’s Heat commentary partner Al Snow who says Coach is in over his head. Back in and Lawler puts on an armbar, so Snow offers to throw in the towel for him. Snow gets Jerry to let go but Coach gets in Snow’s face. Jerry goes outside and of course Snow is evil, sending Lawler into the post and giving Coach the easy pin. I won’t bother rating this due to the time outside, but it was nothing special and only setting stuff up.

Here’s Coach’s PPV debut at Unforgiven 2003. It’s the fallout from the previous match and for the right to call Monday Night Raw.

Jim Ross/Jerry Lawler vs. Al Snow/Jonathan Coachman

The winner to do the announcing for Raw. Yes, they asked people to pay $34.95 for this. There’s no commentary for this. I think I can get by without the extra jokes somehow. The wrestlers start and Lawler kind of botches a rollup. Ok then. The lack of commentary is weird here but then again I’m watching Ross and Coach on PPV. You can hear them shouting at each other a lot better which is weird to hear.

That might be Ross’ big mouth though so there we are. Snow “hits” a clothesline and I say that in the weakest sense of the word hit. Snow, being younger and better at this point, dominates as we’re just waiting on the other guys to come in and make it a comedy match. Coach is the team captain apparently. Oh dear. There’s the piledriver on Snow and JR does commentary from the apron. The foot gets to the ropes but Snow sold that like he had an anvil fall on his head so I can’t complain there.

And it’s Coach time, which has even Snow wondering what the heck he’s doing. As usual, Lawler’s offense is shall we say limited? The middle rope punch hits but Snow makes the save. Ross gets a blind tag and the referee is fine with it I guess. He beats up Coach for awhile and I see why he stayed in the booth for his career.

Coach keeps shouting not in the face which is funny. And here’s Jericho to kick Ross in the head and let Coach and Snow become the Raw announcers tomorrow. Ross would beat Coach in 8 days to get the sanity back. Jericho says this is to get back at Austin for no apparent reason.

Rating: F. Seriously, do I need to explain why this going on for 8 minutes was a bad idea? It was mainly Al Snow vs. Jerry Lawler and someone thought this was a good idea. Here’s the thing: no one really cares about announcers in a national company. Wait scratch that. They do care about them, but only the way they sound. We don’t want to see them in the ring other than a once a year match from Lawler in Memphis. That’s it. Now stop doing this nonsense.

Time for JR to try his luck in a Country Whipping match on Raw, September 29, 2003.

Jim Ross vs. Jonathan Coachman

Before the match, Chris Jericho comes out and joins Al Snow on commentary. Coach gets in an argument with a fan, allowing Ross to get in the first whip. Back in and Coach whips Ross for awhile as this just kind of keeps going. JR finally nails a low blow and whips Coach’s back. There goes the shirt so Jim can whip bare skin. Eric Bischoff tries to come in to no avail, allowing Ross to Stun Coach for the pin.

Rating: D. Even for a match between commentators, there was no way this was going to be good. That being said, at least the Stunner wasn’t terrible. I’m still not sure who thought a battle over who would call Raw was an interesting story, but 2003 never was the most well thought out year for wrestling.

We’ll jump ahead to January 26, 2004 on Raw for a handicap match.

Goldberg vs. Jonathan Coachman/Mark Henry

No DQ as per someone decision. Henry starts of course and shoves Goldberg down with relative ease. Back up and Goldberg fakes him out by offering to hit the ropes before just nailing Henry with a clothesline. Mark pops to his feet and crushes Goldberg in the corner with a splash. We hit the bearhug for a few moments before Goldberg easily breaks the hold and powerslams Henry down. Now it’s Coach’s turn for the two move combination and the easy pin.

Rating: D. Were you really expecting anything else here? You don’t need a story for something like this as it was all dominance by Goldberg with Henry just there as a hurdle for Goldberg to get over before he can rip into Coach. I’d assume Henry vs. Goldberg was coming in the next few weeks.

Coach would actually get a pay per view match at Backlash 2004.

Jonathan Coachman vs. Tajiri

You read that right. Tajiri misted Coach a few weeks ago, then Coach cost Tajiri a match against Christian. Coach armdrags him down to start and Tajiri isn’t sure what to make of that. Coach keeps trying to tie him up but Tajiri keeps firing away kicks. They go to the floor and Tajiri kicks the post to change the flow of the match. Back in and Coach cannonballs down onto the leg and Tajiri is in trouble. Coach hooks a leg bar but Tajiri reverses into a kind of half crab which is pretty quickly broken up.

The leg bar goes on again so Tajiri kicks him in the back. Another to the face and the hold is finally broken up. Coach goes up and gets crotched, allowing a baseball slide dropkick to the back of the head to connect. Handspring elbow sets up another dropkick and it’s rapid fire strike time. Coach grabs a cheating rollup for two. Like an idiot, Coach charges at Tajiri in the corner and is put in the Tarantula for his efforts. Garrison Cade comes out and distracts Tajiri for no apparent reason and Coach rolls him up for the pin.

Rating: D+. You know, this wasn’t half bad. There’s no reason for it to be on PPV, but the match wasn’t all that bad. Coach kept it simple by going after the legs which is the best thing to do against a martial artist so I can’t fault him there. The ending was stupid but this was such a big surprise that it wasn’t a big deal.

And another one at Bad Blood 2004.

Coach vs. Eugene

I think I smell a comedy match. Eugene’s song is so completely catchy that I’m going to have it in my head all night now. We get a massive Eugene chant. See what I mean? The guy was OVER. JR pushes home the idea that we all grew up wrestling fans and how cool it would be to get to wrestle someday on PPV. How can you not love that?

The fact that he really was a talented technical wrestler (in OVW he more or less wrestled the exact same style Benoit did and made it work perfectly well. The guy can go in the ring.) made it even better because it was actually believable that he was just imitating what he had seen over the years. Yes, I was a huge Eugene mark and still am for his old stuff.

In a funny spot Coach tries to shake his hand and gets brought to his knees by Eugene’s strength. In a unique spot, Eugene goes for a monkey flip and then locks his legs around his arms to make himself into a little ball. Coach rolls him around for a bit and then as he’s yelling at Eugene, Eugene pops his arm up, grabs Coach and flips him over with his legs for a rollup. It sounds stupid but that was awesome. I’m laughing my head off at this.

The fans start another Eugene chant to answer why he’s on this show. There’s nothing wrong with a comedy character. We get a criss cross and Eugene hits the floor and gets a teddy bear from the hot chick I mentioned earlier. Coach apparently doesn’t realize Eugene is gone for about 30 seconds.

Apparently he didn’t notice the overly large man at ringside in incredibly small electric blue tights hugging a stuffed bear, but then again I’m no coach. Anyone fighting Eugene had such an easy time getting heat. THEY’RE HITTING A DISABLED GUY. And a random hot chick in a bikini brings out a plate of cookies.

Coach, who called the girl out, slams Eugene into the cookies. Coach slams Eugene into the turnbuckle, and it’s time. Eugene Hulks Up, but here’s Garrison (Lance) Cade for the interference. He rips the bear from earlier in half and Coach jumps the distracted Eugene. It doesn’t work though and a Rock Bottom and People’s Elbow ends this. Cade gets an awful Stunner after it. Regal comes out to congratulate him and Coach takes a somewhat better but still terrible Stunner.

Rating: B+. If anyone agrees here I’ll be shocked. I know it’s stupid but I love this guy. When he stays in comedy territory, it’s just a fun character and it works every time for me. Like I said, few are going to agree and I don’t care. Then they had to screw everything up by making him serious because WWE.

One more from Vengeance 2004.

Tajiri/Rhyno vs. Jonathan Coachman/Garrison Cade

Uh…yeah. Seriously how do I even talk about this? This is like an opener on Heat, but a bad one. This was announced on Heat. Seriously, what was the thought osn this? To my great shock and awe, this has a backstory. For no apparent reason Eugene was made GM of Raw for a night and had a game of musical chairs for a title match. Tajiri was eliminated first and Coach got the last seat. This fell out of that.

Tajiri is actually popular. Coach wisely runs from Rhyno. I’ve never seen the appeal of Cade. The guy just isn’t that good and that’s all there is to it. Oh look: Rhyno vs. Garrison Cade on Pay Per View. Coach and Cade beat up Tajiri. Again, is there a reason this is happening? I mean was there NOTHING else to try?

After even more boring as all goodness stuff, we get green mist from Tajiri to Cade. Apparently the referee seeing green stuff on Cade’s formerly blonde hair is perfectly fine. This is making my head hurt and I’m not even fifteen minutes into it. Cade gets gored, Coach gets kicked and I need a stiff drink.

Rating: D. This was a glorified squash and it was just boring as heck. Tajiri was always good for some stuff, but Cade and Coach? Really? That’s the best you can come up with? This was one of the dumbest openers of all time and it’s also one of the least interesting. I mean just think about it: Tajiri and Rhyno vs. Garrison Cade and Jonathan Coachman. Think about that for a minute.

Back to Raw on August 30, 2004.

Rhyno/Tajiri vs. La Resistance/Coach

Rob Conway (who, as of this writing on December 17, 2013, is the NWA World Champion of all people) pounds on Rhyno to start before it’s off to Sylvan Grenier for some neck cranking. The French Canadian tag champions hold Rhyno for a slip from Coach for two as this is already boring. Back to Grenier for a chinlock until Rhyno fights up and makes his comeback with clotheslines. Tajiri keeps getting kicked off the apron to keep him out as Rhyno Gores Coach down. Rhyno walks into Au Revoir (spinning suplex/side slam combo) for the pin.

Rating: D-. Oh my goodness how bad was the tag division at this point? I’m assuming Tajiri was injured or something here as he never came in at all. The match was really dull stuff with La Resistance being one of the least interesting multiple time champions ever and having no opponents of note at all. Terribly uninteresting match.

Another Raw, this time on November 15, 2004.

Randy Orton vs. Jonathan Coachman

Coach immediately heads outside but Orton catches him in the crowd as the music is still playing. They head inside and the beating is already on with Coach getting crotched on the top rope. A bit right hand sets up the RKO for the easy pin.

One last pay per view, with Coach competing against a replacement at Taboo Tuesday 2005.

Batista vs. Jonathan Coachman

Vader and Goldust are just with Coach here and aren’t actual participants. Vader is embarrassingly fat here. The street fight breaks 90% which is relatively low all things considered. Batista is Smackdown Champion here as if we needed any more assurance of the destruction here. The lackeys are in the ring too but it’s not like it really matters. This is back when Batista is still one of the hottest things in the world and just a freaking machine.

Goldust gets a kendo stick and beats up Big Dave with it and coach grabs a belt from the timekeeper. Batista gets loose after being whipped and it’s whipping time all over again as Batista of course destroys everything in sight, even managing what was supposed to be a spinebuster on Vader but he’s just too fat. Batista gets him up the second time though and it’s decent considering the size of that fat. Batista Bomb kills Coach to end it.

Rating: N/A. Given one week to set this up, this was about as good as it was going to get. Batista is no Austin, but then again who is? At least they got a big star to fill in which is as nice as they could have done. This was all on Austin and WWE did what they could for once, which is a very rare sight for them.

Off to the Middle East for a match at Tribute to the Troops 2005.

Intercontinental Title: Ric Flair vs. Jonathan Coachman

Coach actually elbows him down and stomps away before choking with a shirt. Flair pops up and takes Coach over with a snapmare. He drops the knee and kicks Coach low before putting on the Figure Four for the fast pin.

DX was feuding with Vince McMahon in 2006 so here’s Coach as a sacrifice.

Shawn Michaels vs. Jonathan Coachman

Shawn puts on a HHH skull cap to start before slowly punching him in the corner. There go Coach’s pants and Shawn follows up with an atomic drop. Shawn drops the top rope elbow but the Spirit Squad comes in…not for the DQ. Instead there’s Sweet Chin Music to Coach but Umaga comes in for the real DQ. Not enough to rate but it was an angle instead of a match.

What would a Wrestler of the Day be without a Cena match? From September 24, 2007 on Raw.

John Cena vs. Jonathan Coachman

Tables match. Coach is in a suit after trying to get Cena to relinquish the WWE Title. Vince said not so fast and made a tables match. Cena punches him down and loads up an AA but changes his mind. Instead he puts Coach in the STF and then the AA through the table ends this.

One more time, from November 2, 2007 on Smackdown.

Mick Foley vs. Jonathan Coachman

There’s also a special referee in the form of Mr. McMahon. Hornswoggle sneaks into the ring for some reason…oh I get it. Mr. Hornswoggle McMahon is guest referee. The referee beats up Coach in the corner before Foley adds in some shots of his own. Socko knocks Coach out and the Tadpole Splash gives Foley the pin. Comedy stuff.

Coach falls into the category of “big mouth who is fun to beat up.” There’s nothing to the matches of course but there wasn’t supposed to be. He’s a comedy character and little more than that, so why try doing anything other than just having him get beaten up time after time?

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Today we’re looking at the best commentator of all time: Jim Ross.

We’ll open things up with Ross’ first in ring match in WWE, from October 11, 1999 on Raw.

Jim Ross/Steve Austin vs. HHH/Chyna

HHH jumps Ross before Austin gets here until Steve runs out for the save. The male wrestlers brawl up the aisle as Chyna, the #1 contender to the Intercontinental Title, beats on Ross in the ring. Austin suplexes HHH on the stage before they fight back down to ringside and into the crowd. HHH gets whipped into a barricade in the audience and they head out of the arena.

This leaves Chyna alone with Ross as the beating is on. A Pedigree lays Jim out but Jeff Jarrett comes out and nails Chyna with a toaster. This brings out Jarrett’s lackey Miss Kitty with a laundry basket, which Chyna is dropped into and taken to the back. Austin and HHH come back in to fight at a beer stand and HHH is left laying as Austin says he has a friend for HHH….and that’s it.

Rating: N/A. This was nothing and not a match for the most part. It was much more of an angle than anything else and a good way to combine the two big matches on Sunday into one. The best thing here was that Jarrett didn’t act like a face but acted as he should have for his story. That’s the kind of shade of gray you don’t get anymore but was a good thing back in the day.

Ross would get in the ring again to fight off Lance Storm and William Regal when they messed with the commentators. From Raw on December 23, 2002.

William Regal/Lance Storm vs. Jim Ross/Jerry Lawler

Lawler starts (of course) with Regal but it’s quickly off to Storm for a headlock. Jerry avoids an elbow and nails a dropkick, allowing Ross to get in a right hand for two. Regal comes in off a blind tag and works over Lawler before the double teaming begins. Storm accidentally forearms Regal down and Jerry cleans as much house as he can.

The middle rope fist gets two on William and the referee goes down. Lawler hammers on Regal but a low blow puts him down. That’s enough for Ross who tags himself in and picks up Regal’s brass knuckles. Storm comes in from behind though, drawing in the Dudleys for a 3D on Lance. Ross knocks Regal silly for the pin.

Rating: C. The match was nothing of course but what are you expecting from these guys? The reason for the high rating is this was in Oklahoma City and one of the only times in history where Ross was made to look like a big deal in his hometown. Really fun and a feel good moment with the Oklahoma marching band playing Ross’ theme song after the match.

Uncle Eric Bischoff was required to bring in Steve Austin or be fired. Here’s his preview match on Raw, February 17, 2003.

Eric Bischoff vs. Jim Ross

Bischoff breaks some boards and a watermelon before the match to show how awesome he is. JR comes to the ring in his announcing clothes and Eric makes it no holds barred because he can. He looks at Morely as he says this to really hammer in the idea. Lawler is really worried but of course he stays seated.

Bischoff does some karate poses but gets punched in the face. Morely comes in to beat JR down and puts a cinder block against Ross’ head so Bischoff can kick it in half. This finally brings Lawler down to take Morely down, but a Bischoff distraction lets Morely take the King down. JR is busted open. More kicks put Ross down and Bischoff covers him with a half nelson for the pin.

Rating: N/A. This wasn’t wrestling. I’m not sure what it was, but it wasn’t wrestling. I’d like to point out that we’re spending the last segment of a show showing how Eric Bischoff could be a threat to STEVE AUSTIN. At least with Vince he would have some major backup, but Eric is going to have who? Morely? That’s supposed to be intriguing?

Another day, another threat to Lawler and King on commetary. From Unforgiven 2003.

Jim Ross/Jerry Lawler vs. Al Snow/Jonathan Coachman

The winner to do the announcing for Raw. Yes, they asked people to pay $34.95 for this. There’s no commentary for this. I think I can get by without the extra jokes somehow. The wrestlers start and Lawler kind of botches a rollup. Ok then. The lack of commentary is weird here but then again I’m watching Ross and Coach on PPV. You can hear them shouting at each other a lot better which is weird to hear.

That might be Ross’ big mouth though so there we are. Snow “hits” a clothesline and I say that in the weakest sense of the word hit. Snow, being younger and better at this point, dominates as we’re just waiting on the other guys to come in and make it a comedy match. Coach is the team captain apparently. Oh dear. There’s the piledriver on Snow and JR does commentary from the apron. The foot gets to the ropes but Snow sold that like he had an anvil fall on his head so I can’t complain there.

And it’s Coach time, which has even Snow wondering what the heck he’s doing. As usual, Lawler’s offense is shall we say limited? The middle rope punch hits but Snow makes the save. Ross gets a blind tag and the referee is fine with it I guess. He beats up Coach for awhile and I see why he stayed in the booth for his career.

Coach keeps shouting not in the face which is funny. And here’s Jericho to kick Ross in the head and let Coach and Snow become the Raw announcers tomorrow. Ross would beat Coach in 8 days to get the sanity back. Jericho says this is to get back at Austin for no apparent reason.

Rating: F. Seriously, do I need to explain why this going on for 8 minutes was a bad idea? It was mainly Al Snow vs. Jerry Lawler and someone thought this was a good idea. Here’s the thing: no one really cares about announcers in a national company. Wait scratch that. They do care about them, but only the way they sound. We don’t want to see them in the ring other than a once a year match from Lawler in Memphis. That’s it. Now stop doing this nonsense.

Another mismatch, this time from Raw in MSG on April 18, 2005.

Jim Ross vs. HHH

No DQ. HHH offers a handshake but Ross won’t go for it. Instead HHH nails him in the ribs and the beating is on. Ross actually nails a right hand to the jaw and Lawler goes into an even bigger cheerleader mode. HHH hammers away and yells at the referee as Ross is busted open. HHH rips off the Oklahoma jersey and it’s time for a whipping. Lawler FINALLY gets off commentary as HHH is choking with the belt.

Flair comes in and distracts Jerry, allowing a Pedigree to put the King down. Cue Batista in the back after having been sent on a chase by HHH or something. The brawl is on with the World Heavyweight Champion (Big Dave) cleaning house but Flair brings in a chair, allowing HHH to lay Batista out. The Pedigree is countered and a HUGE chair shot knocks HHH silly. Batista drags JR over and it’s a huge upset.

Rating: D+. Again not really a match but it gives more fuel to HHH vs. Batista II at Backlash. Batista was awesome at this point and the fans in New York ate him up. HHH was always one to put himself over, but he made Batista look amazing around this point. Ross winning was a nice smile.

Ross and Michael Cole would have a feud over Cole being a jerk, setting up this match on Raw, April 25, 2011.

Michael Cole vs. Jim Ross

Booker T is on commentary now which I believe is the 9th consecutive week that the announce team has changed during the show. Lawler gets up to be in JR’s corner. Ross is in dress pants and an Oklahoma football jersey. The seconds are on the apron instead of the floor. Cole makes fun or Ross’ weight and they circle each other a lot. A minute in and we’ve had no contact.

Cole, in his orange singlet, dances around a lot as Ross throws right hands. Cole hits the floor as we’ve had no serious contact after two minutes. Cole puts JR’s hat on then takes it off and stomps on it. Cole has a lot of tattoos. Swagger towels Cole off and he does some pushups. We’ve now reached the length of Sheamus vs. Kofi with no contact yet. Ross finally grabs Cole and shoves him down.

Cole calls for timeout and Swagger puts a stool in the corner. There’s a spit bucket and water. Cole actually tries to slam him so Ross hammers on him with some ground and…..with some ground and……no I just can’t say it. Cole tries to run and Lawler throws him back in. Swagger takes down Cole and then comes in for the DQ at 4:35.

Rating: F-. Oh just…..no. We get it: Cole is a jerk that everyone hates. This needs to END. It’s played beyond belief and I have a bad feeling that it’s going to keep going after Extreme Rules.

Here’s the in ring blowoff for the Cole feud, from Extreme Rules 2011.

Michael Cole/Jack Swagger vs. Jim Ross/Jerry Lawler

Country whipping match here, which means they all have straps. Cole, I kid you not, is wrapped in bubble wrap. Ross has a legit broken hand after beating Cole up Monday. Cole gives us his resume as a reporter and insults all of Florida by saying everyone is old. Lawler vs. Cole to start as Lawler can’t hurt him. Lawler goes for the only unprotected part: Cole’s face. There goes the bubble wrap and it’s off to Swagger.

Basically this is Lawler vs. Swagger for all intents and purposes as they have a one on one match for a few minutes. Lawler gets him down but takes a chop block as he goes after Cole. Ankle Lock goes on for like 30 seconds as Ross WEAKLY hits Swagger to break the hold. Off to JR who puts an ankle lock on Swagger! Swagger escapes and I think accidently tags Cole. Ross wastes WAY too much time for a clothesline and whips Cole a bit. Ankle lock goes on Cole and even takes Swagger out with a low blow. He turns to whip Swagger….and gets rolled up by Cole to end it. Dang it this is going to keep going isn’t it?

Rating: F. Hey look, Cole wins again and gets to run his mouth a bit more. Not as bad as Mania but still, DO SOMETHING ELSE! This has been done and it’s been done multiple times already so why do they keep going with it? Cole can still be a jerk but give us SOMETHING for a change instead. Match sucked too.

We’ll wrap it up with JR in a tag match on Raw, October 15, 2011 in Mexico City.

John Cena/Jim Ross vs. Alberto Del Rio/Michael Cole

The announcers start us off and Cole talks a lot of trash until JR clocks him. Off to the wrestlers for a wrestling match. What a concept. Alberto and Cena smirk at each other and speed things up. The fans are booing Cena…I think. Off to a chinlock by the champ and the fans are cheering for Cena. Now it’s Cena with the chinlock as Josh says Cena weighs 251lbs. That means he gained 20 pounds since his entrance.

Del Rio takes over and we’re waiting on the hot tag to Ross it seems. Cole gets some pikes in at Cena and Del Rio gets two. Alberto hits a top rope shot to the head and some kicks. Cena can’t see Alberto. Back to the chinlock and the fans cheer Cena but aren’t really booing Alberto. The Mexican gets a German on the American for two. Cena fires off some stuff but a running enziguri in the corner stops him for two.

Alberto goes up but misses a senton back splash and Cena engages his finishing sequence. Del Rio runs from the AA and tags in Cole. Cena gives him kind of a belly to belly to bring him in and makes the hot tag to JR. Is JR a big deal in Mexico? I mean, wouldn’t he be on the English commentary team which most people in Mexico don’t hear? An AA ends Cole and JR gets the win with an ankle lock at 11:40.

Rating: D+. Man this was boring. The Spanish/English/JR thing is still confusing but again it’s WWE which at the moment is pretty stupid. I wasn’t into this match for the most part because it was just Del Rio vs. Cena and then a screwy ending. Not much to see here and another weak main event from Raw, which is becoming a tradition.

While I like Heyman getting in the ring, there’s just something wrong about Ross being out there. There’s something I don’t care for about it and I can’t put my finger on it. Ross is as much of a commentator as you can find but he’s far less of a character than most other commentators. Thankfully he never tried to wrestle and his appearances didn’t happen all that often.

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What does everybody want? Al Snow as Wrestler of the Day!

Snow got his start in the indies way back in 1982, where he became known as the best kept secret in wrestling. Naturally he did some jobbing in the WWF, including this match on Wrestling Challenge from September 1, 1993.

Undertaker vs. Steve Moore

Undertaker slowly hammers away to start and I think you can see what’s coming from here. There’s Old School and the Tombstone ends this quick.

Snow would head to SMW and stick around for several years. Here’s his TV Debut in February 1994.

Al Snow vs. George South

Snow is a very cocky heel here and calls himself Simply Sensational. Feeling out process to start until Snow hammers away, only to miss a charge into the corner. Snow comes right back and nails a nice slingshot legdrop followed by a springboard splash for the pin. That was a nice finisher.

Snow would form the Dynamic Duo with Unabom (Kane) after the match. Here they are on August 5, 1995.

Dynamic Duo vs. Matt Hardy/Jason Arnhdt

Snow and Jason get things going with Al hammering away before hitting a nice shwwlbarrow suplex. Off to Unabom (yes it’s spelled that way here) for a powerslam, setting up a superkick from Snow. Al misses a cross body and makes the tag to Matt (yes that) Hardy) who is launched into the corner. A clothesline/German suplex combo is enough to easily pin Hardy. Total squash.

Snow would head to the WWF as Avatar, something resembling a genie. Here’s a match from January 1996.

1-2-3 Kid/Sid vs. Avatar/Aldo Montoya

Sid and the Kid are part of the Million Dollar Corporation. It’s a brawl to start with a double flip clothesline putting the Kid down. Avatar wheelbarrow suplexes Kid for two before it’s off to the arm. Aldo comes in with a chop but Kid kicks Avatar’s head off to take over. The Kid finally gets over to the corner for the tag to Sid as house is cleaned. A chokeslam plants Aldo and the powerbomb is enough for Kid to get an easy pin.

Rating: D+. There was actually some psychology here if you can believe that. The idea of keeping Sid out is an idea that the Horsemen used whenever they were facing the Giant in the Dungeon of Doom feud and it makes a bunch of sense here. I can’t believe this was as good as it was, even though it wasn’t much to see.

Another of Snow’s gimmicks was Leif Cassidy, including this match at Summerslam 1996.

Tag Titles: Smoking Gunns vs. New Rockers vs. Bodydonnas vs. Godwinns

The heel Gunns are defending and this is under elimination rules. The New Rockers are Marty Jannetty and Leif Cassidy (Al Snow) and the Bodydonnas are Skip (Chris Candido) and Zip (Tom Pritchard). Skip is in a neck brace here due to a potentially broken neck but he’s wrestling anyway. The Gunns have Sunny who looks GREAT as a cowgirl. Billy Gunn starts with Henry Godwinn with Hank throwing Billy around with ease.

A wheelbarrow slam sends Billy out to the floor and it’s off to Phineas vs. Zip. After a comedic feeling out process it’s off to both Gunns at the same time. Zip and Phineas strut across the ring for no apparent reason as the Gunns freak out about having to fight each other. The referee says either make contact or be disqualified. After no contact, Bart tags in Zip so the crowd can have something else to be bored by. Jannetty trips Zip and Billy gets an easy pin so the Bodydonnas don’t have to be out there long.

Henry comes back in to crank on Billy’s arm but Billy quickly tags out to Jannetty. Marty slowly pounds on Henry and plays to the comatose crowd. Leif gets the tag but quickly brings in Billy to work over Henry. The Rockers have a miscue with the Gunns and Henry gets two off a side slam on Billy. Marty’s save results in an elbow drop on Billy as everything breaks down. Henry kicks Marty into Leif and hits the Slop Drop (reverse DDT) on Cassidy for the elimination.

We’re down to the Godwinns vs. the champions and it’s Bart in for the first time. Henry explodes out of the corner with a clothesline to put both guys down. Bart breaks up a tag attempt as this match is dragging terribly. Billy comes in and the place is so silent you can hear the insults between the wrestlers.

Back to Bart to pound away on Henry for a few moments before bringing Billy back in. Henry catches a charging Billy in a World’s strongest Slam and there’s the lukewarm tag to Phineas. He cleans house and everything breaks down with Phineas hitting the Slop Drop on Billy, only to have Bart blast Phineas from the top for the pin to retain.

Rating: D-. This was so boring I could barely keep my eyes open. The tag title scene was so barren at this point that there were practically zero interesting acts at all. That would be the case for over a year when the New Age Outlaws FINALLY brought the division back to life for a few years. Terribly boring match.

Another match from In Your House XIII.

Marc Mero vs. Leif Cassidy

Cassidy doesn’t even get an entrance. Instead he slaps Mero in the face and gets taken down by an armdrag for his efforts. We hit the armbar for a bit with Mero in control but Cassidy fights up and shoves the referee before bailing to the floor. Leif wraps Mero’s leg around the rope but Sable goes after him, allowing Mero to come back with right hands. Back in and a slingshot legdrop keeps Cassidy in trouble with Mero shouting to stay away from Sable.

Cassidy comes back with a pair of dropkicks to the knee and Mero is in trouble. More kicks to the knee have Marc on the mat and Leif slaps on a leg lace. Mero’s knee is slammed down into the mat as the fans are starting to wake up a bit here. Back to the leg lock as Mero’s offense is stopped cold again. Mero finally reaches over and grabs a rope so Leif keeps stomping away.

The leg locks continue until Mero fights up and scores with an enziguri, setting up a rollup for two. Cassidy will have none of this being on defense and puts on a lame figure four leg lock but Sable helps Marc get to the ropes. Leif goes after Sable so Mero dives through the ropes to take him out. Back in and Marc rams him face first into the mat a few times before a Samoan drop sets up the Wild Thing for the pin.

Rating: D+. I didn’t hate the match and the psychology was working, but the execution was rather boring for the most part. This was more about pushing Sable as having more backbone and Mero being more protective of her, but I see no reason for this to have been on PPV. This could have been accomplished in half the time on TV which brings this down. Not a horrible match though.

It was off to ECW soon after this, including this match at Born To Be Wired.

TV Title: Taz vs. Al Snow

Snow is challenging and is on the verge of the push of a lifetime which would result in Heyman completely screwing up and not putting the world title on him because Shane Douglas must be champion forever in ECW. Snow rips into the fans for saying that he’s not Leif Cassidy (role he played in WWE) but Al Snow. The fans want Taz to murder Snow which is the norm for them most of the time.

After a long stall Taz takes it to the mat to take over. The fans want Snow’s neck broken. The champ cranks on the arm and does it again after Snow escapes. Snow tries to fight up and gets caught in an ankle hold. This is all mat stuff so far and it’s pretty good as well. After Snow bails to the floor he comes back in and is immediately caught in an Alabama Slam but he hits a kind of enziguri to the face of the champ to take over.

A suplex puts Taz down and the fans are still all over Snow. Taz is like screw this wrestling stuff and takes Snow down to pound away, but Snow rakes the eyes. Now Taz is like screw this brawling stuff and suplexes Snow down. Snow slams him down and fires off some kicks but gets pounded in the face for his efforts. Taz comes back with a German suplex but walks into a suplex from Snow. That gets no sold and it’s the Tazmission to retain the title.

Rating: C+. This never quite clicked as they were didn’t seem quite sure what they were going for as Taz kept switching from wrestling to brawling. Maybe that’s what they were going for but it didn’t quite work. Snow as a guy completely hated by the fans because he used to be in the WWF worked fine and it worked even better when he turned into the psycho head shaking guy. Not terrible here but it was your usual Taz match from this time period. The mat stuff was good though.

Snow would get that mega push soon after and main event Wrestlepalooza 1998.

ECW World Title: Al Snow vs. Shane Douglas

Shane is defending and is badly injured coming in. He takes the huge brace off his arm, leaving it only with a bunch of bandages over it. They trade chops to start until Snow goes for the bad arm. Shane quickly bails to the ropes so Al punches him in the face. Al goes up top but Francine pulls him back down. They head outside for more brawling with Snow sending him into the barricade.

Back in and some shoulders get two for Snow but Shane dropkicks him down and puts on a chinlock. Shane lets go and sets up four chairs in the middle of the ring. Snow gets powerbombed through two of them for a near fall as the fans try to rally behind him. He comes back with a DDT but has to deal with Candido.

Shane grabs the belly to belly for two and Al has new life. He has to go and take out the Triple Threat again before getting two off a high cross body on Shane. The locker room comes out as the Snow Plow connects for two. Francine comes in and takes a Snow Plow as the Freaks take out Candido and Bigelow. Snow goes up for a top rope sunset flip…..and Shane sits down on it to retain the title.

Rating: D. The match was watchable but the booking was horrible. This match was basically a love letter to Shane Douglas from Paul Heyman as all night long we heard about how Shane was coming in at less than 100% and how he’d be going away for surgery after the match. What makes it worse is that’s absolutely true. From what I can find, Shane would wrestle one tag match between this show and September, meaning the title just wasn’t defended in that span of time.

As for Snow not getting the title, there’s more of a case for that making sense. Snow was officially under contract to the WWF at this point and was being called back to work there, so putting the title on him didn’t make sense if he was about to leave. However, Snow would wrestle another month or so for ECW and put a bunch of people over. This begs the question of why not put him on top for a quick run and then give the belt to someone else.

The argument against this idea would be that it makes the reign seem worthless. While this is true, history is shown that this really doesn’t mean much. Look at Mick Foley’s first WWF Title reign in 1999. Yes Foley dropped the title in less than a month, but the moment was absolutely perfect and is still very fondly remembered over fifteen years later. Snow winning the title would have been the same idea: it had been built up so strongly that the loss completely deflated the fans.

That’s the final problem with this decision. The fans are basically told to never get behind someone because the company is going to crush them at their biggest moment. As a fan, why should I care about someone for a long time after Snow? This broke their spirits and took away all the energy they had going into the match. That’s something you never want to do, especially when the reward was about eight months off.

Snow would be back in the WWF soon and have a match on Raw for his job, September 21, 1998.

Al Snow vs. Sgt. Slaughter

This is a boot camp match, which basically means a street fight. Before the match Snow does the questions about Head. If Snow wins he’s reinstated but if he loses he’s gone. Sarge jumps him and rips off Snow’s shirt as Cornette says that Snow is as crazy as a rainbow trout in a carwash. Snow comes back with a superkick and a slingshot into the post. Snow has Slaughter’s belt and whips the Sarge’s back and they go to the floor.

He gets a chair but his swing hits the post. A chair to the back of Snow gets two on the floor. Snow shrugs that off and hits something like Poetry in Motion up against the railing. A moonsault off the barricade only gets two. Cornette is just great on commentary, snapping off all kinds of analysis and insane things but staying entertaining the entire time. Snow goes up top with the chair but as he moonsaults with it, Sarge moves and Al hits canvas. Cobra Clutch goes on but Snow escapes. He breaks it up again with a low blow and Sarge takes off his boot. That goes nowhere and a shot with Head gets the pin for Al.

Rating: D. This was nothing but a way to finally give Al a reason to be around every week, even though he has been for like four months. Sarge is only so interesting and it was pretty clear that he wasn’t going to win here. I like Snow but this did nothing for me for the most part and that’s not a good thing.

Snow would quickly find his niche in the Hardcore Title hunt. Here he is in a title match at In Your House XXVII.

Hardcore Title: Al Snow vs. Bob Holly

The title is vacant coming in due to the champion Road Dogg being injured. The brawl is on to start with Snow scoring with a quick chair shot. They head into the crowd with Snow in control until he gets slammed down onto some steps. Holly blasts him in the face with a fire extinguisher and breaks a glass jaw over Snow’s head, only to be sprayed down by the fire extinguisher as well.

They head backstage with both guys being thrown into doors until Snow pelts a trashcan at Holly. Bob comes back with a beer case and they fight outside where it’s 40 degrees at most. Holly is rammed head first into the side of a truck and they head over to the fire lane with Holly breaking a no parking sign over Al’s back. Snow seems to be laughing as Holly gets two. They head over to a wall and then a fence with Snow shouting at Holly for turning on him by leaving the J.O.B. Squad.

A stop sign to Snow’s back knocks him onto the banks of the Mississippi River but Al knocks him into a wheelbarrow. They fight over to some trees and closer to the water with Holly hitting him in the head with something made of metal. Snow comes back with some kicks and choking on the dirt before Holly is thrown into the water to fire up the fans in the arena. Holly comes back by sending Snow into a tree before Snow comes back with shots to the kidneys. They slug it out even more with Holly wrapping him up in some chain link fence for the pin and the title.

Rating: D+. This is one where you individual taste may vary widely either way. The match was definitely more of a spectacle than a contest which is fine, but if that’s not your thing then you were going to hate this. These two would have more and more of these insane fights which were very hit or miss. It wasn’t bad but it was only for certain tastes.

And another match at In Your House XXVIII.

Hardcore Title: Al Snow vs. Hardcore Holly

Holly is defending. They’re on the floor almost immediately with Snow being sent into the steps. That’s close enough to actual wrestling so they head into the crowd for the real meat of the match. Back to ringside with Snow getting two off a moonsault from the apron. Snow finds a hockey stick under the ring and breaks it apart to blast Holly in the back. Snow got busted open somewhere in there.

Holly gets beaten on with the stick for a few moments until Snow brings in a table. He takes too long setting it up though and Holly gets in a shot with the hockey stick. They head to the aisle where Holly gets two off a suplex. The fight goes into the back with Snow being rammed into various metal objects. Holly finds a well placed kitchen sink which is destroyed against a wall instead of Snow’s head.

They go out to the parking lot with Holly setting off a car alarm when he’s rammed into a hood. Snow finds a broom to break over Holly’s back and walks him over to some steps back into the arena. Holly throws him over the ledge into a dumpster and follows in with a splash for two. They head back to more cars before fighting into the production truck with Snow throwing him out the door and onto the top of a car for two.

Snow accidentally kicks the window so Holly can punch him back into the arena. Holly whips him into a metal sheet and they head back into the arena where Snow hits him with a frying pan for tow. Hardcore avoids going through the table with a frying pan shot of his own before superplexing Snow through the table. The referee counts to nine until Holly drapes an arm over Snow for two. Snow crawls over to the corner and grabs Head so he can knock Holly unconscious for the pin and the title.

Rating: D+. Lawler sums up the match as soon as it’s over: “After all that, the Head did it?” That’s the problem with something like this. After all the carnage and weapon shots, including frying pans and that great table spot, it was a mannequin head that got the pin? That’s a bit of a stretch to put it mildly. Also way too long here as this was nearly sixteen minutes.

Snow would be in a Tag Team Title match at Survivor Series 1999.

Tag Titles: New Age Outlaws vs. Mankind/Al Snow

The Outlaws are defending. Ross accuses Billy of being the driver but Lawler doesn’t care at all. Mankind says Austin will get through this. Gunn and Mankind get things going with Billy getting two off a neckbreaker. We hit a sleeper like a minute in and then we look at the Head. JR and Jerry are arguing again as the guys in the ring go to the floor, making them guys no longer in the ring.

Roadie accidentally hits Billy in the face and it’s off to Snow vs. Road Dogg. JR talks about Snow having his action figure pulled off the shelves at Wal-Mart because some stupid professor said that having a severed head included in a toy would send the wrong message to her kids about violence to women. This is going to be a quick sidebar.

First and foremost, it’s not a severed head. It’s a mannequin head and simply LOOKING AT THE THING would tell you that. Second, if you’re concerned about what kind of impression a toy would give to your kids, either A, don’t buy it for them, or B, tell them why you don’t like it. Heaven forbid you have to tell your kid he can’t have something he wants because you deem it inappropriate. Third, and this is the part that I like best, Snow mentioned in a promo that clearly the stores care about their customers because they pulled the figure from the shelves, but the guns, bullets and knives are still on the shelves.

Anyway, now that the people who can’t think before they run their mouths and have to decide how people should live their lives because apparently people aren’t smart enough to make decisions for themselves are out of the way, let’s get back to this dull match. Mankind pounds on Roadie in the corner and hits a running knee to the head. Snow pokes Road Dogg with a chair in the ribs which isn’t a DQ for some reason. Neither is the shot to Road Dogg’s back from Mankind.

Mankind hooks a reverse chinlock back in the ring followed by a lot of stomping in the corner from Al. Mankind gets two off a knee lift as things continue to go slowly. Snow hits his headbutts but Road Dogg fires off some lefts and a big right to take Snow down. Everything breaks down and the crowd is DEAD for this. They head to the floor with the Outlaws taking over.

Snow gets beaten on for awhile before clotheslining Roadie down and it’s not hot tag to Mankind. Mankind pounds away for a bit but gets caught by the Fameasser for two. Snow hits the Snow Plow on Road Dogg and here’s Socko. Both Outlaws get Clawed but they both hit Mankind low to escape. Snow hits Billy with Head to give Mankind a two count, followed quickly by the Outlaws hitting a spike piledriver on Mankind to retain.

Rating: D. This got better at the end but the twelve minutes before that were way too dull to be considered good at all. Mankind and Snow were there to fill in spots and while that’s ok, it doesn’t make for an interesting match. It didn’t help that the crowd was deader than Billy Gunn’s career for most of the match. Nothing to see here.

Here’s another tag match from Wrestlemania 2000.

Head Cheese vs. T&A

Snow brings out Chester McCheeserton, which is a guy in a cheese suit. Snow: “This is better than Shawn on a zipline.” That would be Test and Albert (Tensai) with the brand new Trish Stratus as their manager. Test and Blackman start as JR’s mic goes out. Test gets kicked down quickly but it’s off to Albert who hits a quick splash in the corner for two. Snow comes in for a few seconds but it’s quickly back to Steve for a running shoulder which takes Albert down.

Snow comes in again sans tag with a slingshot legdrop to the back of Albert’s head. Blackman breaks up a gorilla press attempt from Albert to give Snow two. Head Cheese double teams Albert as the fans are dying faster and faster by the minute here. Chester annoys Trish as Blackman drops a knee on Albert’s crotch. Off to Snow who gets caught in a suplex, allowing for the ice cold tag to Test.

T&A his a double powerbomb on Snow as JR calls it bowling shoe ugly. Snow hits an Asai Moonsault on Test before the modified Trash Compactor (backbreaker by Blackman/guillotine legdrop from Snow) for two on Test. The match breaks down even more as Albert hits a gorilla press on Blackman before a top rope elbow by Test gets the pin.

Rating: D-. Anything with Trish in an outfit that small can’t be a failure, but at the same time this match absolutely sucked. There was NOTHING good going on here and they weren’t just on different pages, but rather in different libraries. This was absolutely horrible and one of the worst Mania matches ever.

Snow would become a bit more serious near the end of the year and win the European Title. Here’s a defense from Smackdown, October 5, 2000.

European Title: X-Pac vs. Al Snow

X-Pac is challenging and Head is dressed as a vampire for Halloween. William Regal is on commentary and complaining about Snow making a mockery of the European Title. Snow nails a spinwheel kick and hammers away in the corner, only to get kicked in the face right back. Snow comes back with right hands and a moonsault gets two. Head gets involved but Snow is sent to the floor. Regal tries to interfere but Billy Gunn sneaks in and lays out X-Pac, giving Snow the pin.

Snow would take a good deal of time off to film Tough Enough. We’ll pick things up on Raw, October 21, 2002.

Al Snow vs. Tommy Dreamer

Singapore Cane match. We start with a cane duel and Snow gets in the first connecting shots to the legs. Out to the floor and Dreamer fires away more cane shots but Snow headbutts him down. Back in and Dreamer kicks Al low, followed by a missed cane shot from an interfering Nowitski to give Dreamer the pin. Nothing to see here.

Snow would start wrestling less around this time and do some commentary on Heat. This led to a battle of the announcers (because those work SO well) and this match at Unforgiven 2003.

Jim Ross/Jerry Lawler vs. Al Snow/Jonathan Coachman

The winner to do the announcing for Raw. Yes, they asked people to pay $34.95 for this. There’s no commentary for this. I think I can get by without the extra jokes somehow. The wrestlers start and Lawler kind of botches a rollup. Ok then. The lack of commentary is weird here but then again I’m watching Ross and Coach on PPV. You can hear them shouting at each other a lot better which is weird to hear.

That might be Ross’ big mouth though so there we are. Snow “hits” a clothesline and I say that in the weakest sense of the word hit. Snow, being younger and better at this point, dominates as we’re just waiting on the other guys to come in and make it a comedy match. Coach is the team captain apparently. Oh dear. There’s the piledriver on Snow and JR does commentary from the apron. The foot gets to the ropes but Snow sold that like he had an anvil fall on his head so I can’t complain there.

And it’s Coach time, which has even Snow wondering what the heck he’s doing. As usual, Lawler’s offense is shall we say limited? The middle rope punch hits but Snow makes the save. Ross gets a blind tag and the referee is fine with it I guess. He beats up Coach for awhile and I see why he stayed in the booth for his career.

Coach keeps shouting not in the face which is funny. And here’s Jericho to kick Ross in the head and let Coach and Snow become the Raw announcers tomorrow. Ross would beat Coach in 8 days to get the sanity back. Jericho says this is to get back at Austin for no apparent reason.

Rating: F. Seriously, do I need to explain why this going on for 8 minutes was a bad idea? It was mainly Al Snow vs. Jerry Lawler and someone thought this was a good idea. Here’s the thing: no one really cares about announcers in a national company. Wait scratch that. They do care about them, but only the way they sound. We don’t want to see them in the ring other than a once a year match from Lawler in Memphis. That’s it. Now stop doing this nonsense.

Snow would basically retire from the WWE ring soon after this but return as an old gimmick on Raw, April 12, 2004.

Tajiri vs. Shinobi

Shinobi is Snow’s old ninja gimmick and is here as part of Coach’s feud with Tajiri. If Tajiri wants to fight Coach at Backlash, he has to win here. The ninja is just called a ninja here but it’s the same gear and character so we’ll go with Shinobi. They trade wristlocks to start before Tajiri fires off some kicks and the handspring elbow. He goes for the mask but gets kicked in the back of the head. Shinobi slaps the referee in the face and Coach breaks up the Tarantula. The Snow Plow is countered and the Buzzsaw Kick is good for the pin.

Rating: D. This was an angle instead of a match and there’s nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately that’s about the extent of stuff that wasn’t wrong here. The match was dull and given that Coach has no friends, the identity wasn’t that hard if you knew what to look for. Bad match, even though I like Tajiri.

Shinobi is unmasked as Al Snow post match.

Snow wouldn’t wrestle much after this other than a few appearance on ECW on Sci-Fi not important enough to include. He would become an agent in TNA but would occasionally wrestle, including at Hardcore Justice 2010.

Brother Runt vs. Al Snow vs. Rhyno

Runt is Spike Dudley of course and is nearly bald. This is elimination rules and better not break 8 minutes. Spike hits a dive that is ok after some basic stuff. He plays the role of the pinball of course and I still wonder what Snow has to do with this. Snow hits the trapping headbutts on Rhyno. TNA guys are watching in the back. Why they’re here is beyond me because they’re not wrestling.

Acid Drop to Rhyno is blocked and this needs to end fast. We’re on the floor again and you actually can’t see due to the lighting. The referee goes down and Head drills Rhyno. Spike does the Eddie chair thing by slamming the mat with it and throwing it to Rhyno. He and Snow do the same thing so they’re all down. Oh my head hurts. Acid Drop ends Snow and then the Gore ends the whole thing.

Rating: D. I like Snow but this was just bad. There’s a reason these guys retired: THEY AREN’T THAT GOOD ANYMORE. Rhyno is ok at best and he’s the biggest star by far in this. At least he won I suppose, but this was just random as all goodness with no point at all. Well at least it’s over and wasn’t that long.

We’ll wrap it up with Bound For Glory 2012, where Snow is facing Joey Ryan. Ryan had been on Gut Check but didn’t get Snow’s vote. He tormented Snow for months so here’s his chance at a job.

Al Snow vs. Joey Ryan

Ryan hides in the corner to start and the fans want Head. Snow is in workout clothes instead of wrestling gear. Snow gets down on all fours and lets Ryan get in a free chance to start. That goes about as well as you would expect for Ryan and he hides in the corner again. This is a good choice for putting on after the big street fight that just happened. It’s a way for the fans to calm down a bit.

Ryan keeps trying basic offense and Snow stops him at every turn. A delayed slam puts Joey down and Snow takes him to the mat with a headlock. Ryan gets in a shot to the ribs and a suplex for two. Snow comes back with the trapping headbutts and grabs Joey’s chest hair. Snow takes him down again for two and the fans want Head. And that’s what they get from under the ring. Ryan shoves the referee down and steals the Head for a makeout scene. Snow ties Joey up in the ring skirt….and here’s Matt Morgan to Carbon Footprint Snow into next week. Ryan gets the easy pin at 8:28.

Rating: D+. This was about what you would expect from Al Snow in 2012. The Morgan twist was fine and a pairing between him and Ryan could be interesting, as if nothing else Ryan could use a bodyguard. This was the ending they had to go with and there’s nothing wrong with that, especially with faces being undefeated in the first hour.

Al Snow is a good example of a solid hand who never got above the midcard. He was a solid trainer though and can have a watchable match with anyone. That’s a very valuable hand to have and his hardcore stuff set him apart from a lot of the guys in wrestling that were talented but never did anything. Given how long it was before he got over on a major stage, he had quite the career.

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Again, time to take a lesson from the 80s.I’ve been watching some 80s NWA lately and one of the things you’ll hear is JR giving us the wrestlers’ stories.  This might be anything from what they did in college to something about their family to something they said to him earlier today.  It wasn’t much a lot of the time, but it gave the fans a reason to care about these people.  How many wrestlers can you think of that have almost nothing to talk about?  Make up even a little backstory so there’s something the people can relate to or care about and see how fast things get better.

This came up again last night while watching an old Raw.JR said Bret had won several major titles in the WWF, including the WWF, Tag Team and Intercontinental Title.

This brings up a question I’ve asked for years: what are some of the minor titles in wrestling?  I’ve heard of major ones, but never any examples of minor ones.