Royal Rumble 2015
Date: January 25, 2015
Location: Wells Fargo Center, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Attendance: 17,164
Commentators: John Bradshaw Layfield, Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler

Now this is one I’ve been looking forward to and dreading at the same time. I actually didn’t mind the main event the first time around but ever since then I haven’t been able to think of a single good thing that match did. It should be interesting (hopefully) to see how far this thing has fallen in just a year. Let’s get to it.

Pre-Show: Tyson Kidd/Cesaro vs. New Day

Talk about a year making a big difference. Cesaro and Kidd looked to be the hottest team in years and now they’re both out while New Day, who looked to be a horrible disaster, actually IS the hottest team in years. As usual, time can change so much in wrestling. As usual, Woods is the odd man out here. Adam Rose is here with Kidd/Cesaro for no adequately explained reason but the fans would rather cheer for Cesaro anyway.

Kidd and Big E. get things going as the announcers talk about the Rumble instead. Ok to be fair, it’s a pre-show tag match with nothing on the line so I can live with it here. Big E. grabs a few backbreakers to start before it’s off to Kofi for two off a dropkick. Cesaro comes in for a BIG reaction and you can tell who the star of this match is going to be.

It’s quickly back to Big E. who takes over with a shoulder in the corner, followed by a middle rope cross body from Kofi. Lawler: “I like New Day but I’m excited to see what they’re going to evolve into.” Cesaro and Kidd take Kofi into the corner and I still don’t get why Rose is on the floor. Like, I don’t remember that in the slightest and it’s bizarre to see a year later. The Cesaro Swing into the dropkick (still awesome) gets two and we take a break.

Back with Cesaro holding Kofi in a chinlock but Kingston comes back with a dropkick to Kidd. Big E. starts cleaning house with clotheslines and the fans are REALLY not pleased. Cesaro charges into a Rock Bottom (well close enough to one) out of the corner for two. Kidd is sent to the floor for a flip dive from Kofi, followed by Big E. spearing Cesaro through the ropes for a big crash.

It’s Cesaro on his own against both guys but Big E. is sent outside and Kofi gets kicked in the head, setting up a superplex into a springboard elbow from Kidd for a VERY close two. A sunset flip gets two on Kofi with Cesaro holding Kidd in place for a smart move. Trouble in Paradise is countered into the Sharpshooter but Big E. makes the save with a belly to belly. Rose gets on the apron and gets kicked in the head, only to have Kidd grab a fisherman’s neckbreaker for the pin on Kofi at 11:03.

Rating: B-. Well that worked. This is why having a hot tag division is so important: you can wake up the crowd in a match that really doesn’t matter either way because both teams looked great. New Day could clearly go in the ring but it would still be a few months before they really figured it out. Well that and until they were allowed to have some personality, which was the cure all along.

The opening video is about finding the moment that cements what you are. However, there can only be one. Tonight, someone’s moment becomes a reality. The triple threat gets a little attention as well.

New Age Outlaws vs. Ascension

This is fallout from the Outlaws, the NWO and Acolytes beating down the Ascension for not respecting the veterans enough or something. Yeah it ruined another act that was built up for over a year in NXT but HHH’s buddies got a pay per view appearance out of it. Gunn and Viktor get things going and all it takes is a hiptoss to draw the YOU STILL GOT IT chant. Fans get easier to impress every year. Dogg comes in for the shaky knee drop on Konnor but the young guys take over with a chinlock.

As the match slows down (likely so the Outlaws can breathe), JBL regales us with tales of Bullet Bob Armstrong vs. Buddy Colt. Konnor puts on a chinlock and Dogg taps, likely because tapping out wasn’t a thing when he started. The match keeps going anyway with Dogg avoiding an elbow drop, only to be chinlocked down by Viktor. That goes nowhere and the hot tag brings in Billy to clean house, only to miss the Fameasser and walk into the Fall of Man for the pin at 5:26.

Rating: D. And of course this launched the Ascension up the card and into the Tag Team Title scene forevermore. Yeah of course they never recovered after getting beaten down by a bunch of old retired guys and then winning a meaningless match against a long past retired team because…..yeah I think you know why this didn’t work, or at least you should.

We look at Sting saving Cena from Big Show/Kane/Seth Rollins on Raw. Sting isn’t on the show or anything but he had a cameo there of course. Cena winning however did get Dolph Ziggler, Ryback and Erick Rowan their jobs back but Rowan didn’t qualify for the Rumble. At least the match meant something.

The Authority isn’t pleased with Sting doing that WCW nonsense around here. Cue Paul Heyman who says Brock can help with their problems, whatever those are.

Tag Team Titles: Usos vs. Damien Mizdow/Miz

The Usos are defending but Mizdow is the most over guy in the match. Speaking of things that have changed a lot in a year. The Usos took the titles from Miz/Mizdow to close out 2014 so this is the rematch. Jey and Miz get things going and the fans already want Mizdow. Something like a top rope Demolition Decapitator gets two on Miz as Cole recap Miz trying to get Naomi on their side with promises of Hollywood fame.

Miz gets crotched on top so Mizdow (gently) does the same, continuing the one idea act that somehow had fans cheering for him. Miz’s top rope ax handle is punched out of the air so Mizdow goes up and dives into a punch from no one. The fans think Mizdow is awesome, meaning it’s time for a chinlock from Miz himself. The Reality Check gets two but Miz won’t tag Mizdow in. Again, this doesn’t make a ton of sense as Miz is making himself wrestle the whole match by himself.

Anyway, Jimmy gets away and tags in Jey to take over with the running Umaga Attack in the corner but Miz grabs a DDT for two. Everything breaks down and both Usos hit a dive to take out both challengers, though Jey almost misses Miz, drawing a rather rude chant from the fans.

Back in and Jey misses the Superfly Splash, allowing Miz to get two off the Skull Crushing Finale. The second attempt at the Splash connects but Mizdow breaks it up, drawing the loudest pop you will EVER hear for a heel breaking up a cover. Mizdow’s Skull Crushing Finale gets two on Jimmy, who superkicks Miz into a powerbomb from Jey. Jimmy’s Superfly Splash retains the titles at 9:20.

Rating: C-. Nothing special here as Miz/Mizdow’s one joke is long past its point of interest and we’re just waiting on Mizdow to turn, which would of course take too long to mean anything as WWE would screw it up again. It really is amazing how far the tag division has fallen in just a year as all the injuries and screwiness have turned the division on its head. The Usos are still the Usos though and that’s all that matters.

The pre-show panel chats a bit and we look at the pre-show match.

J&J Security play the new WWE mobile game until Seth Rollins comes in to yell at them for not being serious enough. Rollins says he’s been called the future but he’s the right now.

Wrestlemania ad. I had forgotten how much I hated that theme song.

Bella Twins vs. Paige/Natalya

No idea what the story here is but I’m sure it’s Total Divas related. Nikki and Paige get things going with Paige not being able to Irish whip her. It’s off to Natalya who gets two off a kick to the back of the head. Brie comes in to work on the arm as the announcers joke about which twin is older. I’m not sure why this is supposed to be funny but they certainly think it is. A double suplex puts Brie down and Paige does her slow, crawling cover for two.

Natalya comes in and covers as well but for some reason she isn’t legal. Even Paige is confused as she grabs Brie again and now tags Natalya in all legal like. Brie gets two off a quick slam and it’s back to Nikki for a Hennig neck snap. Lawler: “Name two countries and then a state.” Cole: “It was a joke.” It’s as random as it sounds. Now it’s off to Lawler approving of the Bellas’ looks as they take turns on Natalya for some near falls.

Brie puts on a chinlock for a bit before both Bellas grab a leg and roll forward to flip Natalya onto the back of her head. Nikki puts on a headscissors and does push-ups to drive Natalya’s face mere inches away from the mat. Natalya powers up and drops Nikki on her back for the break and avoids a clothesline, only to have Brie pull Paige off the apron. Nikki’s big forearm puts Natalya away at 8:02.

Rating: D. We don’t even have time for a hot tag? This wasn’t much to see but again, it’s all about the Bellas because they’re the stars on Total Divas and know how to act like the Kardashians or whatever. Nikki would get a lot better after another six months on top of the division or so, but that would be a very long six months.

Roman Reigns says he’ll beat his performance from last year.

Stardust does his usual and Goldust says he’s right.

Rusev says he’ll win and promises to crush whoever wins.

Miz says this is his year and Mizdow repeats everything. Again: that’s not what a stunt double does.

Big Show says he’s not mortal because he’s a giant.

Fandango says no one understands the power of the tango.

YES, Daniel Bryan thinks he can get back to the main event of Wrestlemania.

We recap the triple threat for the World Title. Rollins tried to cash in Money in the Bank on Lesnar at Night of Champions while Cena was challenging, triggering a feud between Rollins and Cena. Tonight they both get their shot in what should be awesome.

WWE World Title: John Cena vs. Seth Rollins vs. Brock Lesnar

Lesnar is defending and this is one fall to a finish. The fans just explode on Cena with the JOHN CENA SUCKS song making its return. I was there when it debuted and that’s a pure thing of brilliance. Lesnar on the other hand is treated…..well about how you would expect Philadelphia to react to him. Rollins bails to start and there’s the first German suplex to Cena. Another one drops Cena again so J&J come in, only to get a German of their own.

Rollins kicks Cena in the head but gets pulled inside to face Brock all alone. It’s time for more German suplexes and the fans loudly applaud. There’s a regular suplex to Rollins and we get an ECW chant. Brock grabs a Kimura on Cena but John lifts him up, allowing Seth to springboard in with a knee to the champ. Cena and Rollins get smart and double team Lesnar, only to have Seth throw John to the floor for one off an AA.

Brock pops up like a daisy and sends both of them outside, only to have Rollins knock him into the steps. As J&J are in a heap next to the barricade, Cena starts his usual finishing sequence on Rollins but Lesnar breaks up the Shuffle with another German suplex. Seth breaks up the rolling Germans though as he needs Cena to help fight against Brock. Makes sense. A knee to the back puts Brock on the floor but the champ is right back in for the save as Seth covers Cena.

Back up and Cena throws Rollins to the floor and actually drops Brock with some clotheslines. Seth pulls Cena outside and tries a springboard, only to get caught in a big F5. That is some terrifying strength. Brock loads up a table for some reason so Cena gives him three straight AA’s for two with Rollins making a last second save. There’s a Curb Stomp from Seth and this time Cena has to dive in and break up the cover. The fans think this is awesome (indeed) as everyone heads outside, where Cena spears Lesnar through the barricade.

Brock keeps getting up so Cena throws him into the steps and blasts him in the face for good measure, knocking the champ onto the announcers’ table. Rollins feels left out so he drives Brock through with a HUGE top rope elbow and Cena is the only one standing. The non-Lesnars head back inside and Seth hits a quick low superkick for two. The AA doesn’t work so Cena Batista Bombs him for a VERY near fall.

Not to be outdone, Rollins reverses a superplex attempt into a running Buckle Bomb for two more. Both guys are spent so Rollins tries a Curb Stomp, only to get caught in the STF. Cue J&J from their comas for the save as a stretcher comes out for Brock. There’s a TripleBomb for two on Cena but he ducks a briefcase shot and AA’s both J’s at the same time. He should not be able to do that twenty minutes into a match this physical. Or any match for that matter.

Another AA gets two on Rollins and the Curb Stomp gets the same on Cena as the fans are freaking out on these kickouts. We’re told Brock has at least a broken rib as Rollins busts out the Phoenix Splash on Cena. Not that it matters as a TICKED OFF Brock gets back in for some German suplexes, only to have Seth hit him in the face with the briefcase. Rollins loads up a Curb Stomp onto the case but you don’t try that on Lesnar, as he counters with a HUGE F5 to retain at 22:42.

Rating: A. Good grief what a battle. This was the night where Rollins became a star and people knew that he was going to be champion soon. Cena put in his normal amazing performance here as well, but good night Brock looked like a monster. This is the beast that WWE wanted to build up for someone to take down and it worked perfectly here. Just outstanding action here with all three looking like they had been through a war. This was the instant match of the year leader and it would take something special to knock it off.

Brock walks off as the medics are stunned.

Rumble By The Numbers video.

Royal Rumble

Good luck following that. Miz is #1 and R-Truth is #2 with 90 second intervals. They start slowly (smart here) until Truth gets in a few pelvic thrusts. Truth is sent to the apron a few times and gets crotched on the top until Bubba Ray Dudley makes a big surprise return at #3. You think that might wake the Philadelphia fans up a bit? Bubba is fired up to start and gives Miz the Dusty punches before R-Truth plays D-Von (I’m not touching that one) on What’s Up.

Now it’s table time but Miz gets up, only to be put back down with a 3D. There go Miz and Truth as Luke Harper is in at #4 for a hoss fight. They slug it out boo/yay style but Harper elbows out of a Bubba Bomb. A big clothesline drops Harper but Bray Wyatt is in at #5. Bubba isn’t sure what to make of him and Bray does his big freaky smile. The fans want D-Von (fair enough idea) but Bray sends Bubba into a clothesline and dumps him a few seconds later.

Harper and Wyatt stare at each other and Curtis Axel is in at #6, only to have Erick Rowan jump him from behind and destroy him, kicking off Axelmania because Axel was never officially eliminated. Rowan (not part of the Family at this point) gets in and teases a reunion against Bray, only to be quickly double teamed. Erick almost gets Harper out but Bray dumps them both and points to the sign. In another surprise return, the Boogeyman is in at #7. Cole: “It’s the eater of worlds against the eater of worms!” His entrance takes forever and Bray dumps him like the jobber that he is.

Sin Cara is in at #8 and gets in a few shots, only to get punched out of the air. Sister Abigail sets up another elimination and Bray is on a roll. With no one to fight, Bray grabs a mic and issues an open challenge to everyone in the back because this is his year. It’s time to sing until Zack Ryder is in at #9 (apparently returning from shoulder surgery), only to be eliminated even faster than Cara.

NOW things get interesting as Daniel Bryan is in at #10 to one of the loudest reactions you’ll hear since…..well since the last time Bryan was in a big match probably. Daniel speeds things up a lot with some running dropkicks in the corner as JBL tells Bryan not to go so hard because he needs to pace himself. Preach it JBL. A middle rope hurricanrana puts Bray down and it’s Fandango in at #11. Well that’s quite the drop in star power. He goes after Bryan but stops to dance, allowing Bryan to flip out of a belly to back suplex.

We go old school (way old school actually) with an airplane spin until Tyson Kidd (with his sweet theme song) is in at #12. A springboard missile dropkick drops Bryan and Fandango is quickly dropped into the corner, leaving Kidd and Bryan to slug it out in what could rock with about fifteen minutes. Stardust is in at #13, with Cole saying it’s his Rumble debut. No Cole, no it’s not. I get what he’s going for and no Cole, no it’s not.

Fandango and Stardust take turns skinning the cat before Stardust takes out the knee to get Fandango in trouble. Bryan eliminates Kidd but Bray is back up, only to be knocked through the ropes and out to the floor. You know that means a suicide dive from Daniel, followed by Diamond Dallas Page in at #14 for another surprise. Stardust is right on him but there’s the first Diamond Cutter. JBL: “Do they teach that in yoga class?”

Fandango takes Page down but gets crotched on top, setting up a super Diamond Cutter for a very nice pop. Bray pounds on Page but takes a Diamond Cutter of his own, which is one step too far. The guy is a monster and shouldn’t get dropped by a retired legend. Rusev comes in at #15 and superkicks Page before eliminating him. Side note: put Page in the Hall of Fame already. He has the resume and he’s worthy of canonization after what he accomplished with Roberts and Hall.

Rusev dumps Fandango and puts Bryan on the apron, allowing Bray to knock Daniel out. That right there is pretty much it for this Rumble meaning anything as we now know it’s all about Reigns, even though the fans aren’t going to be interested no matter what. I know you can’t have Bryan win here, but you could at least give him a run near the end. This was a bad idea and the DANIEL BRYAN chants starting up a minute after he’s gone don’t bode well for the rest of the show.

Goldust is in at #16, giving us Goldust, Stardust, Rusev and Wyatt. The brothers go after each other for a bit until Kofi Kingston is in at #17. Kofi goes after Bray as the fans are booing everything presented to them no matter how watchable it is. All five wind up in one corner for some reason with no eliminations until Adam Rose is in at #18. The Rosebuds do the full entrance and catch Kofi as he’s launched over the top for his annual save. Rusev dumps Rose with ease and kicks Kofi out a few seconds later to get us back to four. Roman Reigns is in at #19 and oh man this is going to be good.

The fans go nuts on Reigns as he fires off the running corner clotheslines and gets rid of Goldust and Stardust in rapid succession. Big E. is in at #20 and only gets kind of booed. Rusev is right on him and that gets booed loudly out of pure spite. Rusev hits a quick Cannonball on Big E. and it’s Damien Mizdow in at #21 for a bit of relief from the fans. Miz cuts him off and wants the spot but Reigns shoves him down and Damien, egged on by the crowd, goes in as well.

Mizdow cleans some house but is thrown out by Rusev in less than twenty seconds. Dang they really don’t want the fans to cheer anything tonight do they? Well other than Reigns of course. Jack Swagger is in at #22 and gets in a few nice shots until Bray cuts him off. We’ve got Wyatt, Swagger, Reigns, Big E. and Rusev at the moment until Ryback is in at #23. That means more power brawling with Meat Hooks and suplexes all around. Bray and Rusev continue their loose alliance to to get Ryback in trouble and there’s a CM Punk chant for the latest false hope.

Kane is in at #24 and you know the people aren’t happy with that. The match slows down a bit with Kane putting Ryback on the apron and Big E. doing the same thing to Swagger. Those attempts go as far as you would expect and it’s Dean Ambrose in at #25 to give the fans something to actually cheer for. Dean goes for Rusev to start but has to stop a charging Kane. The fans are WAY into Ambrose as he’s the first guy they’ve wanted to cheer for in about fifteen minutes.

Titus O’Neil is in at #26 and put out in four seconds by Ambrose and Reigns. So much for that one. The ring is getting too full and Intercontinental Champion Bad News Barrett makes it even worse at lucky #27. Everyone brawls against the ropes until it’s Cesaro in at #28. Cesaro fires off a bunch of European uppercuts but he can only get Ambrose to the apron. Rusev dropkicks Big E. out to clear a little room but Big Show takes his place at #29.

Everyone goes after him but Show throws them away before starting a chokeslam contest with Kane. There goes Ryback thanks to both giants and Show dumps Swagger. A chokeslam sends Rusev rolling out under the ropes and it’s Dolph Ziggler in at #30 (Remember when “who is #30” was the big question every year? Now it’s just another entrant. It’s kind of sad really.), giving us a final grouping of Wyatt, Rusev, Reigns, Kane, Ambrose, Barrett, Cesaro, Big Show and Ziggler.

Here’s the thing: that’s actually a stacked final set of people. Wyatt, Rusev, Ambrose, Barrett, Cesaro and Ziggler are crowd favorites, Big Show and Kane are at least good monsters to conquer and Reigns is…..well that other group is really popular. The problem here is NO ONE but Reigns has a chance and the entire audience knows it, making this inevitable rather than anything interesting.

Ziggler superkicks the giants and takes them both down with the running DDT. Barrett is sent to the apron and superkicked out but Ziggler gets caught in the Cesaro Swing. Cesaro sends him to the apron but Dolph gets him to the apron for a superkick and an elimination, only to have Big Show and Kane put Ziggler out. That also gives Kane the all time record for Rumble eliminations.

The giants throw Bray out like he’s no one (thanks for the 47 minutes Bray) and the fans are getting even angrier than they already were. So it’s Ambrose/Reigns vs. Big Show/Kane with Rusev forgotten on the floor. Roman is bleeding from the mouth as he clotheslines Show down but he and Dean can’t get rid of the bigger giant. Kane boots Roman in the face and the KO Punch knocks Dean silly, giving the giants an easy elimination. Reigns is suddenly even less popular as the inevitability gets that much closer. Even Cole acknowledges that the fans hate this.

Reigns fights back and the booing gets even louder until Kane and Show start fighting, because the last SIXTEEN YEARS of these two fighting isn’t enough. They fight next to the ropes and Reigns gets up for a double elimination, actually sending the fans into silence for the win.

Kane and Big Show get back in and beat Roman down even more, complete with a double chokeslam. The fans remember that Rusev is still in but here’s the Rock to help save his cousin. He cleans house and drops both giants to a nice reaction until Reigns Superman Punches Show into a Rock Bottom. Rock leaves and Rusev gets back in, only to get speared and eliminated to really give Roman the win at 59:31.

Rating: D-. WOW. This is somehow so much worse than I remember it as WWE was clearly going out of its way to clear the path for Roman but the fans were having none of it. The problem here is a simple one: there was never any drama. Look back at 2012 for a second. The final two were Chris Jericho and Sheamus, neither of whom were interesting choices to win. However, the final three minutes of that match are AWESOME as you really didn’t know who was going to win and both guys had a real chance. That’s the easiest way to get fans to like the Rumble, or really most matches.

This Rumble is really more like 1993 than anything else. That was the year of Yokozuna and everyone knew it, though there was the slightest chance of the Undertaker winning it. However, Undertaker went out in the middle of the match and the rest was just a waiting game to see who was on Yokozuna’s victim list.

That’s exactly what happened here. Everyone knew Reigns was the heavy favorite no matter who they wanted to win and the ONLY person with a real chance of beating him was Bryan. This year Bryan was the twelfth man eliminated, leaving about thirty five minutes left in the match. That’s a long time for the fans to sit around with little to no hope as things get worse and worse. The best false hope they had for the rest of the match was Ambrose and that just wasn’t going to happen.

On top of that, you have Big Show and Kane as the big bads for Reigns to conquer. That’s fine on paper, until you look at all the papers labeled “Raw Results” where you see how many times he and everyone else has beaten both of them. Instead of some group of the popular guys at the end, it was Kane and Big Show for the first ending. Then there’s Rusev for the false hope spot but Reigns destroyed him too before winning.

So yeah, this was one big mess all designed for Reigns to look like a hero and it failed miserably. It boils down to a simple concept that actually takes me back to the Russo days to a degree: you have to earn it. The problem here is Reigns hasn’t really accomplished anything to earn this spot and the fans are rejecting him. Austin dominating the 1998 Rumble worked because the fans had seen Austin go through a lot of wars to earn the right to be the top dog. Reigns’ big moment was a win over Randy Orton at Summerslam 2014. That’s not exactly huge and the fans hadn’t forgotten.

Ignoring the Reigns part for a minute, this was a really dull match. Bubba was a cool surprise and Page was good for a Diamond Cutter, but Boogeyman? Other than that and Bray’s dominance (which went nowhere), this was really dull stuff. Kofi being caught by the Rosebuds was a good quick chuckle but really low on his list of saves. Just a horrible Rumble from start to finish with only a few bright spots throughout.

Rock poses with Reigns and the fans STILL boo. The Authority comes out to glare a lot as Reigns celebrates and points at the sign to end the show.

Overall Rating: D. Oh yeah this was bad. The triple threat is the only thing keeping this from being a disaster as the rest of the card is a bunch of nothing tags and then a disaster of a Rumble for the last third. The Rumble itself really is that bad and drags an already bad show down even lower. It’s balanced out a bit by the triple threat but twenty two minutes of awesome can’t make up for an hour of horrible. Terrible show here and thankfully WWE finally figured out that Reigns wasn’t ready yet, because he just wasn’t here.

Ratings Comparison

Tyson Kidd/Cesaro vs. New Day

Original: B

Redo: B-

Ascension vs. New Age Outlaws

Original: D+

Redo: D

Miz/Damien Mizdow vs. Usos

Original: C-

Redo: C-

Bella Twins vs. Paige/Natalya

Original: D-

Redo: D

Brock Lesnar vs. John Cena vs. Seth Rollins

Original: A

Redo: A

Royal Rumble

Original: D+

Redo: D-

Overall Rating

Original: C+

Redo: D

How in the world did I add that one up last year?

Here’s the original review if you’re interested:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2015/01/25/royal-rumble-2015-more-teasing-than-a-15-year-old-on-prom-night/

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and head over to my Amazon author page with 30 different cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

AND

Remember to check out Wrestlingrumors.net for all of your wrestling headline needs.

 

Monday Night Raw
Date: August 20, 2007
Location: Crown Coliseum, Fayetteville, North Carolina
Commentators: Jim Ross, Tazz

It’s the go home show for Summerslam and the main event has been set for a long time now. Randy Orton attacked WWE Champion John Cena at Saturday Night’s Main Event so now we need another match set up. There are a few people with nothing else to do so they need to do something with them this week. Let’s get to it.

Here are last week’s results if you need a recap.

Randy Orton is already in the ring and Tazz is replacing Jerry Lawler after King Booker took him out last week. Orton tells us to take a good look, because this is the last time you are going to see him without the WWE Title. Last week it was the start of the beginning of the end, which sends us to Orton RKOing John Cena through an open chair on Saturday Night’s Main Event. That was so good that Orton wants to see it in slow motion and from different angles. For some reason he only gets the latter but seems pleased anyway.

That footage is going to replace Hogan slamming Andre and the Montreal Screwjob as the most played clip in WWE history. That move is going to end Cena’s reign, but Orton would understand if Cena couldn’t make it to Summerslam. Rumor has it that he isn’t even here tonight but if Cena is here, he can come forfeit the title right now. Instead, Orton gets Vince McMahon, who doesn’t want to hear about the title match because some woman is out there hiding his illegitimate child.

Today, he found out that the child is male, which means a son of superior genetics. If Vince didn’t know Orton’s dad, he would hope that his son would be someone like him. All his other two kids want his MONEY, which isn’t what Orton would be after. Vince thinks they will find out who his son is here tonight and he hopes the people welcome him. These people are all horrible and want to see Vince taken down, just because some offspring wants his money. Vince hopes his son isn’t like John Cena, who has no dignity…and Cena is in the back.

Cue Cena to the ring, where he says he hopes he isn’t Vince’s son because he would be ashamed for Vince to be his father. With Orton behind the barricade, Cena says Orton has a message of his own because he is here tonight. He’ll be at Summerslam, where he will retain the WWE Title. Vince says Cena might be lying, but if he doesn’t show up, he will be stripped of the championship.

Speaking of stripping, that might bring Vince to Cena’s mother. Vince says he spent a lot of time in new England and he very might have “done your mom”. Cena punches him in the face so Vince and Orton bail together. Hold on though as Vince isn’t going to stand for this. That’s why Cena can face Snitsky, which has Cena looking a bit nervous.. This was a long bunch of talking to set up a main event and reveal that the child is a son.

Rey Mysterio is back on Sunday.

Mickie James/Candice Michelle vs. Melina/Beth Phoenix

Hold on though as here is William Regal to say that we will have a Divas battle royal at Summerslam, with the winner facing Candice for the Women’s Title at some point in the future. Mickie and Candice get jumped before the bell and Beth gives Mickie a slingshot suplex. Melina comes in but Mickie slips over and brings in Candice to clean house (and scream a lot). Phoenix’s interference doesn’t work and Candice gets something like Kofi Kingston’s SOS to pin Melina

Post match the mini battle royal breaks out, with Beth being the last woman standing. Tazz: “She’s like a Glamazon!”

Santino Marella, with his arm in a sling, comes in to see William Regal to complain about Ron Simmons and Maria going on a date. Marella complains about Regal’s accent, saying he sounds like a “limp wristed hairdresser.” Regal tells him not to mess with the date so Marella says he’s off to get a cappuccino.

King Booker and Queen Sharmell are ready for his official crowning tonight and invite HHH to be their guest.

Vince McMahon and Coach talk about Vince’s possible son, but write off the idea of it being HHH. Val Venis pops up to say HELLO DADDY, with Coach saying it would explain Val’s other career. They keep walking, with Vince blaming Shane McMahon for a lot of his troubles over the years. Daivari comes in to call Vince papa and puts his head covering on Vince’s head. Vince scares it off and they run into Mr. Kennedy but they keep walking this time. He wants it to be someone who has great wealth…and we’ll just cut it off there.

Cody Rhodes vs. Shelton Benjamin

Charlie Haas is here with Benjamin. Cody takes him down by the arm to start but gets pulled to the mat without much effort. The chinlock with a knee in the back has Cody in more trouble but he fights up with some dropkicks. A bulldog gives Cody two and the snap jabs follow. Benjamin hits another backbreaker but the Boston crab is countered into a rollup to give Cody the pin.

Rating: C-. This didn’t have time to go very far but Cody stringing some wins together is a way to get him established with the crowd. That’s about all you can hope for with someone as generic as Rhodes still is. While that might work well for him, it is still a bit rough to see this happen to Shelton. He really did seem ready to be one of the next big things and here he is instead.

Post match Haas and Benjamin beat Cody down and leave him laying.

Lance Cade/Trevor Murdoch vs. Paul London/Brian Kendrick

Non-title. Cade drives Kendrick into the corner to start and grabs a headlock. That doesn’t work very well as Kendrick is back up with a dropkick. It’s off to London for an armdrag, followed by another armdrag to Murdoch. An armbar doesn’t last long so Cade comes back in as everything breaks down. Cade and Murdoch are sent outside for the stereo dives, with Kendrick slamming head first onto the floor for a scary crash. Thankfully he seems to be ok, so here is Cryme Tyme to sell Murdoch’s hat to the crowd. The distraction lets Kendrick grab a crucifix for the pin as the hat sells for two dollars.

Rating: C+. These teams work well together as you have some talented people who know how to work well together. Losing to London and Kendrick is hardly some shocking upset and it furthers Cryme Tyme’s claim to a title shot. They’re turning this into a little something, with Cryme Tyme’s charisma certainly taking it a long way. Nice match too, which shouldn’t be a surprise.

We now go to Ron Simmons and Maria on a date at a sports bar and grill. Simmons will have CLAM chowder with his LAMB, along with some bread and JAM. Cue Santino Marella with Jillian (or Lilian, according to him) Hall and of course they’ll join them. Oh and Simmons gets a vegetable, so he’ll have YAMS.

It’s time for King Booker’s coronation, with Queen Sharmell handling the introductions. Last week, Jerry Lawler was supposed to crown him but that did not happen. Instead, Lawler announced his opponent for the Summerslam Games, Hunter Hearst Helmsley (He used his real name!). We see Lawler getting beaten down last week before Booker calls the city by the wrong name. Booker orders HHH out here right now….and it’s a guy in a bad HHH costume, complete with the fake nose (he looks like Jason Sensation as Owen Hart).

Fake HHH crowns him but Booker wants to talk to James Ross. This does not concern Tazzwell so he can leave. Booker yells at Ross over what he said last week, while losing a bit of the accent. Ross is in trouble, but he can make up for it by kissing the royal ring. That won’t happen, but Sharmell shoves his face onto it, which is enough for Booker. I was expecting more violence. And more from Fake HHH. This was something with a few ideas but they didn’t go anywhere.

Post break, Ross says it’s Game On for Booker at Summerslam.

We go back to the date, where Jillian Hall is singing Whitney Houston. Maria didn’t realize they had karaoke here, but she just brings that microphone with her. A “fan” comes up to ask for Santino Marella’s autograph on a program, which is unfortunately from the waist up because it doesn’t showcase Santino’s…uh, bulge. The fact that he is reading this from a piece of paper isn’t lost on Maria. Ron Simmons: “SHAM!”

It’s time for Carlito’s Cabana, with Umaga as the guest. Carlito gets right to the point: we’re almost to Summerslam but he doesn’t have a match. He wants the Intercontinental Title shot, but here is Mr. Kennedy to interrupt. Carlito: “Not you again.” Kennedy thinks he should get the title shot, because he has beaten Bobby Lashley, which even Umaga hasn’t done. If anyone deserves the title shot at Summerslam, it’s MR. KENNEDY (which takes quite awhile to say). Umaga thinks it takes too long and superkicks Kennedy down before wrecking the set. Cue William Regal to make Carlito vs. Kennedy for the title shot right now.

Mr. Kennedy vs. Carlito

We’re joined in progress with Carlito taking him down by the arm and pounding on the shoulder. Kennedy gets sent outside but comes back in to take Carlito down instead. The chase on the floor doesn’t go very far and it’s Carlito hammering away back inside. We hit the chinlock with a knee in Kennedy’s back but he pops up with a backdrop.

Carlito’s clothesline doesn’t even get a count because Kennedy’s shoulders aren’t down but a suplex does get one. Kennedy misses a middle rope elbow so they trade rollups with trunks for two each. Back up and Carlito kicks/hits/springboard elbows him in the face, only to miss a charge into the post. They head back outside, with Kennedy hitting a running kick to the ribs against the steps as we take a break.

We come back with Carlito being sent into the corner, setting up some boot scrapes. That doesn’t go well for Carlito, who is back up with a posting of his own. Carlito’s dropkick gets two but Kennedy catches him on top. The super Regal Roll is broken up so Carlito hits a superplex, setting up the always stupid “let’s randomly throw our legs together” for a small package and the double pin.

Rating: C-. This was long and I don’t know how dramatic the ending was. It wouldn’t have made sense to have either of them go over the other so this was about as good as it could have been. The ending didn’t help either, as it’s one of those ending that can only make sense when they are working together and that isn’t a great visual.

Post match, William Regal makes the triple threat title match. That was so fast it was almost anticlimactic.

HHH is back at Summerslam.

Back at the bar, Santino Marella threatens Ron Simmons, who calls the referee over (SAM!). As luck would have it, the waiter’s tray of food winds up on Santino, giving us Simmons’ main catchphrase. Kind of a lame ending, but Simmons has been great.

Summerslam rundown.

Vince McMahon is in the back with Melina, who apparently looks rather fetching in Divas Magazine. Snitsky comes in to say he never knew his parents, but he knows how to inflict pain. He promises to cause Cena pain and calls Vince dad.

We look back at John Cena slapping McMahon earlier.

John Cena vs. Snitsky

Non-title. Cena gets powered into the corner to start but avoids a charge. A bulldog just seems to avoid Snitsky, who kicks Cena in the head to take over again. Snitsky clotheslines him hard to the floor and there’s an elbow to cut off the comeback attempt. A double underhook crank works on both of Cena’s arms but Cena powers out. The ProtoBomb looks to set up the FU but here is Randy Orton with the RKO for the DQ.

Rating: C. It’s another match designed to be nothing more than a way to set up the finish, but Snitsky continues to look like a monster. One thing I did like here was the ending didn’t have Snitsky completely done, leaving him just enough of an out. I can’t imagine Snitsky can reach anything higher than a monster to be slayed, but at least he did well in a short match here.

Post match, Orton hits another RKO and stares at the title to end the show.

Overall Rating: C. They’re in a weird place with the Summerslam build as Cena vs. Orton is set, but the second biggest Raw match involves someone who hasn’t been around for seven months. That has left the logical but only so good Booker vs. Lawler feud, with Lawler not being around this week either. The Vince drama is enough to fill in the gap, but the red half of Summerslam is feeling very single note after this show.

 

 

 

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Royal Rumble 2014
Date: January 26, 2014
Location: Consol Energy Center, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Commentators: Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield, Jerry Lawler

Aside from the title match and Rumble itself, we also have Brock Lesnar facing the Big Show. This would be another match on the list of matches that we’ve seen far too often but keep seeing anyway for reasons that aren’t entirely clear. Lesnar has regularly destroyed Big Show in the past and now he gets to do it again. Let’s get to it.

Pre-Show: Tag Team Titles: Goldust/Cody Rhodes vs. New Age Outlaws

The Outlaws reunited as a nostalgia act and pinned the champs to earn this shot. Dogg and Cody get things going with Dogg hammering away, only to miss his Shake Rattle and Roll punch. Cody misses the Disaster Kick but sends both Outlaws to the floor. The champs hit dives on the Outlaws as we take a break. Back with Goldust in trouble as Dogg puts on a chinlock.

The Outlaws double team Goldust for a bit until he hits a jumping sunset flip for two on Dogg. Gunn charges into a powerslam and there’s the hot tag to Cody. A missile dropkick drops both Outlaws and Cross Rhodes plants Dogg for two with Billy making the save. Gunn makes a blind tag and hits a Fameasser on Cody for the big upset win.

Rating: C. This was fine for an opener and the fans were into the nostalgia. The Outlaws were only transitional champions anyway as the Usos would get the belts before Wrestlemania. Cody and Goldust had them back before the year was over too so no one was really hurt by this.

The opening video talks about working to achieve your dreams. Sometimes there’s a very thin line between almost getting there and getting everything you want. We also focus on Orton vs. Cena because that’s the real main event here. The Rumble itself gets a quick mention too.

Daniel Bryan vs. Bray Wyatt

Daniel joined the Wyatt Family on the last Raw of the year but then rejected them a few weeks later, leading to one of the loudest YES chants you’ll ever hear. Bryan punches out of the corner to start but Bray drives knees into his ribs and blasts him with an elbow. That’s fine with Bryan as he kicks the knee out but has to go after Bray’s followers Luke Harper and Erick Rowan. A suicide dive drops Harper but the referee ejects both monsters.

Bray huddles with his Family on the floor, allowing Daniel to take him down with a plancha. Back in and a high cross body gets two on Wyatt but he chops Daniel off the middle rope and out to the floor. Bray charges at Daniel but drives the bad knee into the steps to put him back down again. Back in and Daniel starts kicking at the leg before snapping off a dragon screw leg whip. A modified curb stomp gets two for Bryan but Bray drives him back into the corner.

They slug it out to the apron with Wyatt snapping Daniel’s shoulder down in a big crash. Back in and Bray hits his release suplex slam and we hit the chinlock. Bray puts Daniel’s head against the post and drives in forearms to follow up on Bryan’s recent concussion. Back in again and a kick to the face gives Bray a few near falls. A big release Rock Bottom plants him again and Bray does his Spider Walk out of the corner. Bryan finally avoids an elbow drop and hits a running clothesline.

Some kicks stagger Bray and a drop toehold sends him into the middle buckle. Daniel kicks away in the corner and nails a top rope hurricanrana for two. Another running clothesline is countered by a running elbow to the chest as Bray takes over again. Bryan low bridges him to the floor and hits a running tornado DDT off the apron. A running dropkick sends Bray into the barricade and a missile dropkick puts Wyatt down in the ring.

The YES Kicks get two but Bray turns him inside out with a clothesline for two. Sister Abigail is countered but Bray bites his way out of the YES Lock. Daniel scores with more kicks and hits a top rope splash but Bray ducks to the floor to avoid the running knee. The Flying Goat is blocked though and Bray hits Sister Abigail into the barricade to knock Bryan silly. Back in and another Sister Abigail is good for the pin.

Rating: A. This was considered a match of the year contender and it’s easy to see why. These two beat the tar out of each other with each move getting harder and harder than the previous. Bryan lost here but came out looking like a star. Bray on the other hand looks like a killer and that’s exactly what he’s supposed to be.

Paul Heyman says Brock Lesnar is going to challenge the winner of Orton vs. Cena for the World Title. However, first he has to make an example out of Big Show.

Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger is here.

The expert panel of Jim Duggan, Shawn Michaels and Ric Flair aren’t sure who to pick between Lesnar and Big Show.

Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar

These two have had a feud for years and this time Big Show has been getting the better of it through pure power. Lesnar takes Show down before the bell and pounds on him with fists and then a chair. As Big Show is down, Lawler says Big Show gave Lesnar his first loss at the 2002 Royal Rumble, which would be three months before Lesnar debuted. We get the opening bell with Lesnar getting another chair but Show nails him with the KO Punch. Lesnar is rocked and Show takes him outside for a whip into the barricade. Back in and Big Show loads up another KO but Lesnar ducks and throws him up for the F5 for the easy pin.

Lesnar beats on him with the chair even more after the match. He’s broken two chairs over Show’s back.

Shield says they have 27 enemies tonight and it’ll be the three of them left standing. Only one of them can stand tall at the end but Reigns thinks he has the winning number. He won’t say what it is though. Dean offers to tell him his if Reigns tells his. Dean: “What if I have two numbers? I have ALL the numbers!” They agree to believe in the Shield.

Orton says he’s going to beat Cena and put him to the back of the line. Renee Young asks about Batista, Brock Lesnar and Bray Wyatt wanting title shots but Orton laughs it off and calls Wyatt a deranged hillbilly Duck Dynasty reject.

We recap Orton vs. Cena. This is more about their short term history, focusing on the titles being unified back in December. Orton seems to be cracking under the pressure of being champion and even attacked Cena’s father at Raw recently.

WWE World Title: Randy Orton vs. John Cena

No countout and no DQ with Orton defending.. The fans loudly chant for Daniel Bryan before and after the bell. They hit the mat and the fans are already bored less than twenty seconds in. Cena fights up and gets two off a bulldog but charges into an elbow in the corner. Now a Randy Savage chant starts up and Orton stops for a second before kicking Cena even more.

Off to a chinlock as the fans chant for Y2J. After fighting out, Cena catches on and tries a Boston crab. Orton kicks him to the floor during a brief Undertaker chant and now it’s just the standard boring chant. A clothesline puts Orton back outside but he sends Cena into the steps. Back in and a DDT gets two for Orton as the fans just say both guys suck. Cena comes back with shoulder blocks and the ProtoBomb, only to take too long jawing and walk into a powerslam for two.

A half nelson slam into a neckbreaker gets two for Cena but he gets caught on top. He headbutts his way out though and hits the top rope Fameasser for two. Orton counters the AA attempt into his backbreaker for two as the fans have calmed down a bit. The Elevated DDT off the apron to the floor gets two more on John. Orton’s RKO is countered into the STF but Randy is too close to the ropes. He grabs the ropes to block an AA as well but the refereee gets bumped.

There’s the STF again and Orton taps but there’s no referee. Orton uses the opportunity to nail Cena with a title belt for two. He stands around too long again though and takes an AA for two more. The RKO gets the same and now the fans want Divas. Orton misses the Punt but pulls Cena down into an STF. John counters that into a Crossface but Orton rolls into a cover for two.

Back up and Orton hits Cena with an AA, followed by Cena grabbing an RKO for another near fall. With nothing left to do, Cena loads up a middle rope AA but has to settle for a tornado DDT. The STF goes on in the middle of the ring….we’ve got Wyatts. The lights go out and come back on to reveal all three on the apron. Cena goes after them but walks into an RKO to keep the title on Orton.

Rating: B. This matchup has suffered from brand damage. We’ve seen it so many times over the years that even if the match is good, like it was here, people just do not want to see it. The guys got the crowd to calm down a bit about halfway through the match, but there’s just nothing left to see from these two. They’re both hard workers and try every time they’re out there but the interest is just gone.

The fans chant for Bryan as the Wyatts destroy Cena even more.

Tribute video to the recently passed away Mae Young.

The New Age Outlaws celebrate but tell Renee that she isn’t invited to the party.

We get some classic Rumble promos.

Miz will win because he’ll do whatever it takes to headline Wrestlemania again.

The Usos are cool with having to fight each other.

Intercontinental Champion Big E. says headlining Wrestlemania is where it’s at.

Fandango thinks he’s the only one worthy to headline the big dance.

Batista just says exactly.

Damien Sandow says it’s insane to try the same thing and expect different results. He won’t make the same mistake again.

Ryback says there are 29 superstars and one Human Wrecking Ball.

Mysterio will shock the world again.

The expert panel makes their picks. Duggan likes Ziggler, Shawn goes with Shield or Punk and Flair takes Batista.

Royal Rumble

90 second intervals with Punk at #1 (as ordered by Kane) and Seth Rollins at #2. Punk takes him into the corner to start for some shoulders to the ribs. Some kicks stagger Rollins but he comes back with a big kick of his own. A clothesline drops Rollins again but he pops back up with an enziguri. Both guys are down as Damien Sandow is in at #3. The fans loudly chant for Punk as he DDTs Sandow and drops Rollins with a neckbreaker at the same time.

The heels stomp Punk down until Cody Rhodes is in at #4. Cross Rhodes plants Sandow but Rollins stops an elimination attempt. Punk dumps Damien a few seconds later though and it’s time for Rollins to get double teamed. Kane comes in at #5 and cleans Punk’s clock. He loads up the chokeslam but Punk kicks him in the head for a surprise elimination. The debuting Alexander Rusev is in at #6.

Rusev kicks Rollins and Rhodes in the face but can’t eliminate either guy. Instead he just beats everyone up until Jack Swagger is in at #7. It’s Swagger vs. Rusev now but everyone opts to gang up on Rusev instead. Cody and Swagger break off and Kofi Kingston is in at #8. Everyone fights by the ropes until Jimmy Uso is in at #9. The announcers are noticing how fast the clock is going by.

Jimmy goes after Kofi in the corner as Rusev works on Swagger. Punk puts Rusev in a sleeper and Goldust is in at #10, giving us a group of Punk, Rollins, Goldust, Cody, Jimmy, Swagger, Kingston and Rusev. Goldust hammers away until Rusev nails him in the jaw. A group of people gang up on Rusev and dump him out, which isn’t quite a great debut for him. Kofi gets thrown out as well but Rusev catches him in mid air. He drops Kofi on the barricade and it’s time for the great return. Kingston stands up, uses the barricade as a balance beam and jumps back to the apron in a pretty cool save.

US Champion Dean Ambrose is in at #11 and goes right after Punk. Things slow down again and Dolph Ziggler is in at #12. The fans are entirely behind Dolph as the ring is getting too full. Punk has to hang onto the apron as R-Truth comes in at #13, only to be dumped in about thirty seconds by Ambrose. Rollins knocks out Jimmy and Kofi steals Swagger’s boot while literally hanging on by his feet. Jack comes over to him but gets nailed by the boot as Kofi gets back in.

Kevin Nash makes a required return at #14. He eliminates Swagger with ease and goes after Ambrose and Rollins. Punk has Ziggler dangling but Dolph gets his feet back in. Roman Reigns completes the Shield at #15, giving us Punk, Rollins, Rhodes, Kingston, Goldust, Ambrose, Ziggler, Nash and Reigns. Roman cleans house with punches and spears before launching Kofi out.

Ziggler puts Roman down with a DDT but eats a spear to cut him in half. Reigns throws Ziggler out with ease and the fans suddenly hate him. Nash gets the same treatment as Reigns now has three eliminations in less than two minutes. Great Khali is in at #16 and goes after the Shield but gets tossed by Reigns. Goldust eliminates Cody to make up for the last two years but Reigns gets rid of Goldust a second later. That leaves the Shield alone with Punk but Sheamus returns after being out six months with an injury at #17.

Sheamus cleans house and gives Dean the ten forearms followed by an Irish Curse to Rollins. Reigns eats a Brogue Kick as Miz is in at #18. Punk is just laying in the corner and making almost no effort to get back up. Miz hammers away on Reigns in the corner and Fandango is in at #19. The entire crowd starts doing his dance but Miz sends him to the apron in just a few seconds. Fandango gets back in though as Shield slowly takes over again. Reigns motions to Punk in the corner but doesn’t go after him. Punk hasn’t moved from there in at least five minutes now.

El Torito is in at #20, giving us Punk, Rollins, Ambrose, Reigns, Sheamus, Miz, Fandango and Torito. Of course the bull cleans house until Punk stands up. Punk grabs him by the head but takes a headscissors, only to have Fandango run Torito over. The referee checks on Punk as Torito dropkicks Fandango out. Reigns catches Torito with ease and dumps him out for his sixth elimination. Punk gets back up as Cesaro is in at #21. He immediately starts swinging Miz but Shield breaks up a Swing attempt on Punk. Instead Rollins gets swung a ridiculous THIRTY TIMES. Luke Harper is in at #22 as Reigns spears Cesaro down.

Rollins and Cesaro slug it out until Jey Uso is in at #23. The brawling slows down a bit now and JBL is in at #24. Cole: “The JBL character has never entered the Royal Rumble.” Good grief. JBL wears his full suit into the ring but asks Cole to go get his jacket, allowing Reigns to dump him out. Fans: “YOU STILL GOT IT!” Erick Rowan is in at #25 as JBL tries to talk about ANYTHING but being in the Rumble. Rowan kicks Miz out to clear things up a bit but everything slows back down again.

Harper tosses Jey Uso but the Wyatts turn around to see the Shield. Ryback is in at #26 and goes right for Cesaro as the fans chant Goldberg. Alberto Del Rio gets lucky #27 and things slow down yet again. Batista is in at #28 and the fans just rip him apart. He quickly dumps Rowan and has a staredown with Ryback before dumping him as well. Del Rio, the man who has been going after Batista since he returned, superkicks him down but gets lifted into the air and dumped with ease.

Intercontinental Champion Big E. is in at #29 to almost no reaction but the fans like him for suplexing Batista. The fans are chanting for Bryan and get even louder as the countdown clock comes on. The clock runs out….and it’s Rey Mysterio. To say the fans aren’t pleased with this is the understatement of the year. We’re going to pause for a second here and look at this.

First of all, Rey Mysterio is a fine choice for #30 in the Royal Rumble. He’s a multiple time World Champion, he’s held nearly every title in WWE history, he’s going to be in the Hall of Fame one day, he’s the most successful cruiserweight of all time, he’s won the Royal Rumble before and he’s one of the most popular wrestlers ever. However, he’s not the right choice for this spot.

There are two schools of thought here. The first and more prominent is that WWE just did not understand the fans and thought they would accept Batista as the big star making his return and embrace him with open arms. Then they heard the reaction and changed course to make Wrestlemania all about Daniel Bryan. The other school of thought is Bryan not being in the Rumble was planned from the beginning, they knew where they were going at Wrestlemania the entire time and the stories about Orton vs. Batista headlining the show were false rumors. I’m in the middle on that but I lean more towards the second.

Now Bryan didn’t have to win the Rumble here. You could have had a bunch of different ways to get rid of him, even down to having Kane run out and eliminate him if need be. However, he should have been in the main event. It makes sense that he at least has a chance to be in there, even if it’ sjust to get screwed over again.

Anyway, we have a final grouping of Punk, Rollins, Ambrose, Reigns, Sheamus, Cesaro, Harper, Batista, Langston and Mysterio. Rey hurricanranas Punk to the apron as the fans are booing the heck out of the match. Sheamus clotheslines Langston out to end his worthless Rumble. Cesaro hammers on everyone in sight and Rey hits the 619 on Rollins just to make everyone even madder. Rollins enziguris Rey out for a nice pop and we’re down to eight.

Dean and Seth put Harper on the apron but Reigns Superman Punches him out to give him eight eliminations. Ambrose tries to put out his Shield mates but Cesaro jumps he and Rollins. That’s fine with Reigns who dumps Cesaro, Rollins and Ambrose all at once to tie Kane’s record for eliminations in a single Rumble.

We’re down to four now and everyone hits a finisher. Reigns takes the GTS but Kane sneaks in to eliminate Punk. That would be Punk’s last WWE match to date. Kane goes off on Punk outside and chokeslams him through the announcers’ table. We’re down to Sheamus, Batista and Reigns but all three are down. Another Daniel Bryan chant starts up as Batista takes over, turning it into a NO chant.

Sheamus cleans house and points at the sign before loading up a Brogue Kick. He misses Batista though and gets backdropped to the apron. Reigns elbows Sheamus out to set a new Rumble record for eliminations with twelve. That leaves Reigns vs. Batista and all of a sudden everyone is a Reigns fan. Reigns wins a slugout and clotheslines Batista down as the people chant for Roman. Batista comes back with his own horrible spear, only to have Reigns show him how it’s done….and then get thrown out a few seconds later to send Batista to Wrestlemania.

Rating: D. This just wasn’t a very good Rumble though its moments. Batista came in at the wrong time and it killed any kind of comeback he could have had. The fans did not want to see what the company was offering them at this point and they let them know about it. In their defense though, this Rumble was kind of awful. The comedy and returns felt forced, Rusev’s debut went nowhere and they might as well have given it to Batista and put on an hour of Mighty Mouse cartoons to save everyone’s time. It’s not a good match but the crowd reaction is certainly interesting.

Batista is booed out of the building as we see a highlight package to end the show.

Overall Rating: D+. The Rumble really hurts this show as it drags down two good matches and an entertaining Lesnar squash. The problem is that’s the lasting memory of this show: the fans booing the heck out of Batista as WWE seemed to think he was exactly what WWE wanted. The show isn’t horrible but it leaves a really bad taste in your mouth.

Ratings Comparison

New Age Outlaws vs. Goldust/Cody Rhodes

Original: C
Redo: C

Daniel Bryan vs. Bray Wyatt

Original: A
Redo: A

Brock Lesnar vs. Big Show

Original: N/A
Redo: N/A

John Cena vs. Randy Orton

Original: B
Redo: B

Royal Rumble

Original: B
Redo: D

Overall Rating

Original: A
Redo: D+

Well. That’s certainly a new take.

Here’s the original review if you’re interested:

 

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and head over to my Amazon author page with 30 different cheap wrestling books at:

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Royal Rumble 2013
Date: January 27, 2013
Location: US Airways Center, Phoenix, Arizona
Attendance: 13,00
Commentators: Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield, Jerry Lawler

This show was only a year ago and I can barely remember anything about it. Aside from the Rumble the big matches are the Rock challenging CM Punk for the WWE Title in the most obvious ending ever and Alberto Del Rio defending his newly won World Heavyweight Championship against Big Show in a last man standing match. Other than that we’ve only got HELL NO vs. the Rhodes Scholars to complete the card. Let’s get to it.

Pre-Show: US Title: The Miz vs. Antonio Cesaro

Cesaro is defending. This is just after Flair passed the Figure Four to Miz, starting the worst period of his career. Miz grabs a headlock to start and gets two off an elbow to the jaw. The headlock takes Cesaro down to the mat but he fights up and grabs one of his own. Back up and Miz tries a leapfrog but gets caught in midair with a tikt-a-whirl backbreaker for two. The champion takes over and cranks on both of Miz’s arms before getting two off a Michinoku Driver.

A hard European uppercut sets up the gutwrench suplex for two and it’s back to the double arm. Back up again and Miz slips out of a slam and hooks the Reality Check for two. There’s the running clothesline in the corner and Miz goes up but hurts his knee on the top rope ax handle. Cesaro gets caught with his feet on the ropes, allowing Miz to get two off a rollup. Antonio misses a running knee in the corner but is still able to roll away from the Figure Four. Cesar takes him to the floor and rams Miz into the metal underneath the ring. Miz is out cold so Cesaro Neutralizes him for the pin to retain.

Rating: D+. Miz just doesn’t work in a lot of these matches and the Figure Four doesn’t work in the slightest. Thankfully he wouldn’t be featured very prominently for awhile as there was just nothing to him for the most part. Cesaro still needs to get a push as he’s more talented and marketable than half the roster but instead we get people like Miz.

The opening video is about time passing and how no one has enough. This ties into Punk’s time as champion with Rock saying the reign ends tonight.

Smackdown World Title: Big Show vs. Alberto Del Rio

Last man standing match, which is a rematch with the same stipulations from when Alberto won the title a few weeks ago. Del Rio turned the announce table on top of Big Show so Big Show turned it on top of him a few weeks later. Alberto is shown in the back and he runs into Bret Hart for no apparent reason whatsoever. Bret says Alberto reminds him of a Mexican version of himself. Alberto calls Bret a Canadian Del Rio and Ricardo gushes, earning him Bret’s sunglasses. What a bizarre cameo.

Some hard chops have Del Rio in early trouble and a slam gets a five count. Alberto chops away but jumps off the middle rope right into a chop to change control right back. The champion dropkicks the giant’s knee out but the low superkick actually knocks Big Show up from his knees to his feet. A hurricanrana and a seated senton put Big Show down and Alberto gets a breather. It’s amazing how much more intersting Del Rio is by doing this lucha stuff instead of his arm work. The arm stuff is good but this is such a nice change of pace.

Big Show blocks the armbreaker with one arm and slams Del Rio down, sending him outside. Del Rio gets back in as Big Show gets a chair but the champion dropkicks him in the ribs to knock it out of his hands. A series of chair shots (crowd: “SI! SI! SI!”) has Big Show down but Alberto dives into a chokeslam for an eight count. We head outside again with Del Rio getting chopped to the floor with ease. This is a very slow paced match so far.

A pair of low blows puts Big Show down in the aisle but he’s up at nine. Show hits something resembling a DDT on the floor before sending Del Rio into the set. He rips a piece of the set, resembling a light tube, and blasts Del Rio over the back. Since this is WWE there’s a table readily available and Big Show takes the champion on top of the set for a chokeslam through the table. The bump looked awesome but he’s again on his feet at nine.

The beating takes Del Rio back to the ring and Show loads up the WMD. Alberto sees it coming and rolls outside, only to have Big Show throw Ricardo around for fun. Big Show misses a charge through the barricade (clearly heavily padded) for five but a long series of chair shots has him down again. Del Rio crushes the arm between the steps and a chair, but Alberto follows up with a fire extinguisher blast to the face for no apparent reason. Back in and the armbreaker goes on, but Ricardo ups the ante by duct taping Big Show’s legs to the ropes. The giant can’t get up and Alberto retains the title.

Rating: C-. This wasn’t the worst match in the world but it was very slowly paced and the ending made Del Rio look more clever than tough. It also doesn’t help that the match was the same gimmick they did less than a month ago. Face Alberto was a nice guy but they cut the cord just six months after this. Not bad, but Del Rio winning the title here would have been much better.

Send Slim Jims to the military!

Ziggler isn’t worried about being in the Rumble and AJ threatens Matt Striker with Big E. Langston for implying Ziggler can’t win. Langston does one of the most mind blowing imitations of an annoying reporter while asking Ziggler for his thoughts on the main event. Dolph has little of note to say but no one was hearing him after Big E.’s bit anyway.

Cesaro says he’ll continue the streak of non-Americans winning the Rumble.

The Prime Time Players……WE’RE GETTING RUMBLE PROMOS!!!! Anyway they say anyone that thinks they’ll eliminate either of them is getting a penalty flag.

Orton says he’s perfect for the Rumble because it’s every man for himself.

Cena is ready for the Rumble because it means he can be champion again.

Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett says he’ll restore credability to the Rumble.

Sheamus says he won the Rumble last year and he’ll do it again tonight.

Ryback isn’t any catchphrase and he doesn’t eat Fruity Pebbles, but he’ll see food every 90 seconds. Feed him more.

We recap Miz vs. Cesaro on the pre-show.

Tag Titles: HELL NO vs. Rhodes Scholars

The Scholars are challenging. Cody kicks Bryan in the ribs as Cole references Queen lyrics. Bryan spins out of a wristlock and the fans chant for Cody’s mustache. Cody’s leapfrog is countered into a surfboard and it’s off to Kane for a low dropkick and a two count. Rhodes scores with a dropkick of his own and drives Kane into the corner for the tag off to Sandow. Kane easily powers Sandow into the corner because, you know, he’s Damien Sandow and it’s off to Bryan for the YES Kicks.

JBL rants about Cole and Lawler hugging as Kane kicks Sandow in the face, knocking him out to the floor. The FLYING GOAT takes out the challengers but Cody low bridges Bryan to the floor to take over. Back in and a half crab has Daniel in trouble but he reverses into a small package to escape. Damien comes in again and drops an elbow for two before dropping the Wind-Up Elbow.

After some knees to the back it’s Cody in again but he charges into a boot in the corner. Sandow breaks up a hot tag attempt and Cody puts Bryan in an over the shoulder backbreaker. Daniel slides down to escape and makes the tag to Kane. Sandow is tossed around like a rag doll but a Cody distraction prevents the top rope clothesline. Kane grabs both guys by the throat and Bryan tags himself in. The Scholars double suplex Kane but Bryan shoves Cody into a chokeslam and Daniel YES Locks Sandow to retain.

Rating: C. Nothing you wouldn’t see on Raw around this time which means it was fine. The Scholars were a nice idea for a team but it was clear that they had no chance at this point given how low their individual stocks were. Kane and Bryan gelled perfectly well as a team and Bryan would get far bigger very soon.

Rumble By The Numbers which I’ve typed many times already.

HELL NO celebrates in the back when Vickie Guerrero comes up and gives them their Rumble numbers. Daniel shows Kane his but Kane won’t show Bryan. This leads to penis jokes.

We look at the Royal Rumble Fan Fest which is another name for Axxess. This included a tournament of NXT wrestlers for a spot in the Rumble, won by Bo Dallas.

Royal Rumble

Ziggler is #1 which he picked (the other option was #2) after winning a Beat the Clock Challenge on Raw. Dolph says he’ll win and doesn’t care who he faces first, bringing out a returning Chris Jericho at #2. This was a complete shock and the roof is blown off the building. Also remember that Ziggler beat Jericho to send him out of the company to give us some history. The clock is at 90 seconds between entrants this year.

Jericho is quickly sent to the apron but comes back with a top rope ax handle. Now it’s Dolph on the apron as the fans tell Jericho he still has it. When did Jericho ever come close to losing it? A superplex brings Ziggler back into the ring and Cody Rhodes is in at #3. Jericho hammers away on him but Ziggler gets in a cheap shot as the double teaming begins. Chris knocks Ziggler down and puts Cody in the Walls but Dolph makes the save.

Dolph catapults Jericho throat first into the bottom rope as Kofi Kingston is in at #4. Kofi immediately speeds things up and pounds away on Cody but can’t hit Ziggy with Trouble in Paradise. Ziggler is thrown to the apron and all four guys try to eliminate each other at the same time in the same spot. Santino Marella is #5 and he sends all four to the apron before loading up the Cobra. Everybody is back in and even though Santino takes Kofi down with the sock, it’s Cody backdropping Marella out.

Drew McIntyre of 3MB is #6 and gets to fight Kofi as everyone else takes a breather. Back up and it’s time to lay on the ropes while trying to eliminate people. Jericho is sent over the ropes but he keeps his feet off the ground and gets back in. Titus O’Neil is in at #7 to add some power, including taking Cody and Kofi down with a double clothesline. Cole finally tells us that the bark is a shout out to his fraternity from Florida. Thank you for explaining that to us after two years.

Jericho throws out McIntyre but can’t do the same to Ziggler as Goldust is #8. Cody gets ready for the showdown and the fans are WAY into this. They trade the kneeling uppercuts and Goldie stomps on Cody for a bit. The fans chant for Goldust and it’s David Otunga (remember him?) is in at #9. The announcers ignore the match to talk about the commentators being in the Rumble last year as people start to pair off.

Nothing much happens until Heath Slater is in at #10. That gives us Ziggler, Jericho, Rhodes, Kingston, O’Neil, Goldust, Otunga and Slater at the moment. Slater fires off right hands to Kofi as Jericho calls spots to Ziggler. Dolph gets stuck on the apron again and Sheamus is #11 to clear out some bodies. He destroys everyone with his usual stuff before sending Titus to the apron for the ten forearms. Otunga is thrown onto Titus to get rid of O’Neil before ten forearms and a Brogue Kick get rid of the lawyer. Tensai, still the Japanese lunkhead, is #12.

Everybody goes after Tensai to make a big cluster in the corner. That goes nowhere at all so Brodus Clay comes in at #13. We get a Tons of Funk preview before Goldust backdrops Cody to the apron, only to get pulled to the apron as well. Cody gets back in and sends Goldust into the post for the elimination and a lot of booing. Rey Mysterio is #14 to make the crowd happy again. Ziggler and Jericho get quick 619s and the top rope splash crushes Jericho. Things slow down a bit until we reach the halfway point with Darren Young at #15.

A bunch of guys join forces to dump Brodus and Kofi puts out Tensai a few seconds later. Now we get to the part that everybody was waiting on as Kofi is knocked off the apron, only to land on Tensai’s back. He jumps onto the announcers’ table as he tries to figure this out. Why he doesn’t just jump two feet to get onto the steps is beyond me. Bo Dallas is #16 as this is going on. Instead of the steps, Kofi gets JBL’s office chair and pogos his way back to the ring. Kingston pulls Darren out of the ring but gets caught with the Disaster Kick for the elimination before he can get back inside.

Godfather gives us the nostalgia pop at #17 and is dropkicked out by Ziggler four seconds later. He seems ok with that and leaves with his women. The whole point was the entrance anyway so I have no issue with that. Wade Barrett is in at #18 as the ring is getting too full. Everything slows down again and John Cena is #19 to clear out some tired people. Everybody gets ready for him so Cena comes a charging. John fights them all off and throws out Slater and Cody but can’t dump Jericho.

Damien Sandow is #20, giving us Ziggler, Jericho, Sheamus, Mysterio, Dallas, Barrett, Cena and Sandow. Mysteiro and Barrett fight to the apron and a big forearm puts Rey out. Sheamus goes right after Wade as Jericho tries to put Cena in the Walls. Daniel Bryan is #21 and fires off kicks to Sandow. Now it’s Barrett getting the kicks as everyone else is down. Sheamus and Bryan try to put Jericho out but he slides back in under the ropes.

Antonio Cesaro is in at #22 and gets in a fight with Sheamus as the fans start the dueling Cena chants. Everybody is back up now and Great Khali is #23. It’s chops all around until things calm a bit. Kane comes in at #24 to fire things up again (get it?) but the ring is too full. It gets even worse with Zach Ryder coming in at #25 but HELL NO dumps Khali. Bryan dumps Kane but Cesaro dumps Bryan into Kane’s arms. Daniel: YES! Kane shouts no and drops Bryan for the elimination in a funny bit.

Randy Orton is #26 and it’s powerslams all around. Ziggler and Dallas get a double Elevated DDT and it’s an RKO for Ryder, followed by the elimination. Jinder Mahal gets lucky #27 as Cesaro lifts Cena up, only to be eliminated himself. Ziggler gets launched to the ropes but slides back in as Miz is #28. He gets in a fight with Cesaro in the aisle and limps into the ring to sell the ankle injury from earlier. Sheamus dumps Mahal and Sin Cara is #29.

Cara tries an enziguri on Ziggler which misses by four inches but Ziggler sells it anyway. Bo Dallas pulls Barrett out in an elimination that should have led further than it did. Miz sends Jericho to the apron as Barrett pulls Dallas out from the floor. Ryback is #30 to give us a final grouping of Ryback, Ziggler, Jericho, Sheamus, Cena, Sandow, Orton, Miz and Sin Cara. Damien is out first and Sin Cara quickly follows. Miz tries to power Ryback out and is tossed as well to get us down to six. Jericho is somehow still alive and hits a Lionsault on Cena but the springboard dropkick doesn’t eliminate Sheamus.

Ziggler backdrops Jericho to the apron and superkicks him out (missed as well but he’s spent at this point) but walks into an RKO. There’s one for Cena as well and Sheamus gets the third. That leaves Ryback to fight Orton but the monster gets taken down with an Elevated DDT. Ryback fights off the RKO and clotheslines Randy out to get us down to four. Ziggler DDTs Cena down but a Brogue Kick puts Dolph on the floor.

It’s Sheamus, Ryback and Cena with Ryback getting double suplexed down. Cena and Sheamus make things serious by LOOKING AT THE SIGN. John takes over but Ryback runs him over with a clothesline. Sheamus escapes the Shell Shock, looks at the sign, and hits White Noise on Ryback. The Brogue Kick is countered with a backdrop to eliminate Sheamus and we’re down to two.

They LOOK AT THE SIGN and do their signature taunts before Ryback spinebusters Cena down. The Meathook is countered into the STF and Ryback passes out, leaving him as dead weight. Ryback fights out of the corner and Cena’s head into the mat. He loads up a powerslam but Cena slips out the back and shoves Ryback out for the win and title shot at Wrestlemania.

Rating: B. It’s a good but not great Rumble. That being said, there was almost no other option to win here, even though it set up the rematch that no one wanted to see. There’s certainly some good stuff in it and there were no down spots, but you would expect more big moments than we got here.

Coming Home ad for Wrestlemania. That still should have been Wrestlemania XXX.

We recap CM Punk vs. The Rock. It’s a basic story: Punk has been champion for 434 days and Rock is getting a title shot because he’s the Rock, which was kind of a lame reason, especially when the shot was announced six months ago. That began a countdown that made everything Punk did meaningless, because there was no way it would be anyone but Rock taking the belt from him here. Yeah Punk got in some shots on Rock before the match, but this was as much of a layup as you could get. Also if Shield or anyone interferes, Punk is stripped of the title.

Rock, after waiting for them to chant his name, says he isn’t worried about Shield, even though they busted up his lung recently. He goes on a rant about how many hard things he’s been through, but redeems himself a bit by talking about his mom getting cancer but beating it to be here tonight. Punk has said that the people don’t count but Rock says every single one of them count to him. He reaches his hand out to everyone that believes in the Rock so he can get their power, if you smell what he’s cooking.

Raw World Title: The Rock vs. CM Punk

Punk of course has Heyman with him. He charges right into the brawl and actually pounds Rock down into the corner. A quick Rock Bottom is countered but Punk is sent outside. Rock follows him outside and sends the champion into the barricade before loading up the announce table. Punk comes back with a shot to the ribs and puts the table back together in a great bit. Back in and Rock scores with more right hands to knock Punk to the floor again.

Punk is whipped into the barricade one more time but he gets a boot up to stop a charging Bull. He finishes fixing the announce table instead of following up on Rock before dropping Rock ribs first on the barricade. They head inside again for a body vice from CM followed by a knee to the ribs for two. Off to a freaky looking hold where Punk pins Rock’s shoulders down but pulls back on his head to crank on the shoulders and back.

More choking follows and a knee to the back has Rock on the apron, followed by a springboard dropkick to send him outside. Punk tries a top rope ax handle to take Rock down but injures his knee in the process. Rock scores with some kicks to the knee but the champion easily sends him out to the floor to stop the comeback. Back in and Punk misses the springboard clothesline and reinjures the knee, giving Rock his opening.

A DDT gets one on Punk but he fights out of the Rock Bottom. The GTS is countered into a Sharpshooter attempt but Punk counters into the Anaconda Vice in a nice sequence. Rock rolls over into a cradle, forcing Punk to let go of the hold. Back up and tries the Rock Bottom but Punk counters into a rollup for two, only to be countered into a low seated Sharpshooter. Punk is next to the rope so naturally he takes thirty seconds to get the break.

Rock takes him to the floor and loads up the announce table again. They fight on top but Rock counters a GTS attempt into what was supposed to be a Rock Bottom but was really more like the table collapsing with Rock’s arm around Punk’s chest. Rock comes up holding his knee and both guys make it back in at an eight count. Punk scores with a high kick but both guys are down.

Back up and Rock wins a slugout before scoring with the spinebuster. He loads up the People’s Elbow and there go the lights. Cole can see Shield pulling Rock to the floor and powerbombing him through the table. The lights come back up and Rock is laid out as the referee has no idea what’s going on. The announcers try to tell Mike Chioda what happened and Punk feigns innocence.

He throws Rock back in for the pin and celebrates but here’s Vince to say Punk is stripped of the title for the interference. Rock says no and to restart the match. The bell rings again and Punk stomps away as JBL threatens to put Cole through a table for playing cheerleader. The Macho Elbow gets two but the GTS is countered into a spinebuster, setting up the People’s Elbow to end Punk’s reign.

Rating: B. It’s another good match but it felt like they were dancing around for twenty three minutes before we got to the obvious ending. The Shield stuff was a decent fake out but it really didn’t need to be there. Rock winning was obvious though and that really put a ceiling on how high this was going to get.

Rock celebrates for about three minutes to end the show.

Overall Rating: B. Yeah it’s a good show overall, but the major problem is obvious: there was no other possibly ending other than Rock vs. Cena at Wrestlemania 29 and almost everyone knew it. The show is definitely entetaining and actually really good at times, but it was so telegraphed up and down the card that it offers almost no excitement at all, even on the initial viewing. Still though, worth checking out if you have nothing else to do.

Ratings Comparison

Antonio Cesaro vs. The Miz

Original: C-
Redo: D+

Alberto Del Rio vs. Big Show

Original: B
Redo: C-

HELL NO vs. Rhodes Scholars

Original: C
Redo: C

Royal Rumble

Original: C+
Redo: B

The Rock vs. CM Punk

Original: B
Redo: B

Overall Rating

Original: A-
Redo: B

That original overall rating is too high for what I gave everything else. Also I think the original last man standing match rating is closer to the accurate one. It just didn’t hold up as well on a second viewing, but it was good.

Here’s the original review if you’re interested:

 

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AND

Remember to check out Wrestlingrumors.net for all of your wrestling headline needs.

Saturday Night’s Main Event #35
Date: August 18, 2007
Location: Madison Square Garden, New York City, New York
Attendance: 16,827
Commentators: Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield, Jim Ross

It’s time for the annual hour and a half long commercial for Summerslam which makes you want to watch the original run of this series again. This show has nothing advertised outside of an update on who Vince McMahon’s illegitimate child might be. The show doesn’t make a difference anyway but I’m almost worried about what is going to be on here. Let’s get to it.

Vince McMahon and Coach are in the back to recap the illegitimate child deal. Coach has been looking through the roster and thinks he has an idea of who Vince’s child is. Vince has told him about all of his dalliances (which he just has records of I guess), except for this one in Kansas City (where Coach is from), back in the 70s….when Coach was born…..and then put up for adoption. Vince thinks this is going to be a long night.

Opening sequence.

Batista/Kane vs. Great Khali/Finlay

Take two Summerslam matches, put them in a tag match. Finlay and Kane, with his taped up ribs, start things off, with Kane knocking him into the corner. It’s quickly off to Batista, who takes Finlay down by the arm. A MuscleBuster drops Finlay again and we take a break. Back with Khali working on the ribs and putting on the stomach Claw.

Kane fights up but gets kicked in the face to put him right back down. That doesn’t last long though as Finlay gets over for the tag off to Batista as everything breaks down. Khali gets tied in the ropes so here is Hornswoggle…who is launched into Khali’s chest. A double chokeslam puts Khali down and the Batista Bomb finishes Finlay.

Rating: C. Total house show style main event and that’s about as good as you’re going to get. Ultimately, the wrestling isn’t so much the point of this show as much as just seeing these wrestlers doing something to get you ready for Summerslam. They didn’t have another option for the ending either so this was about as good as it could have been done.

Vince McMahon has to know who his kid is….and then he looks in a mirror to turn him into his 80s version. Coach gets Vince out of there so Ron Simmons comes up and catchphrases at his own reflection.

MVP is very happy to see Evander Holyfield here to beat Matt Hardy in a boxing match. Holyfield does seem to know him.

Here are Coach and Vince McMahon for Illegitimate Child Corner. Since DNA tests have taken so long, it is time to find out who the child is. Coach talks about how Vince is man with urges but Vince tells him to GET ON WITH THIS. First up, Vince had a tryst in Kentucky, which brings out Eugene. Vince says that’s not possible, because he slept with a woman, not his cousin. Eugene says his Uncle Eric wanted to get into wrestling because Vince nailed his sister….and that’s enough for Vince to cut him off. Eugene: “I LOVE YOU DAD!”

Vince throws him out so Coach brings in Melina, who might have been conceived when Vince was at a Wrestlemania II after party in Los Angeles. Cue Melina, who looks rather upset. They both insist that it isn’t her, as….apparently they had, ahem, a “meeting” on the Fourth of July. Melina better hope that their meeting was, ahem, harmless, or she’s suing him for everything he has. I think he’ll be fine as Vince was in New York for Wrestlemania II, not Los Angeles.

Anyway, there’s one more person but Coach doesn’t want to bring them out. Vince insists though and the glass shatters, meaning we get that classic Vince panic. Austin thinks Vince could be his pops and he could be the fruit of his loins. The result of what came from Vince’s grapefruits if you will. Vince says there’s no chance of that, which Austin says is too bad.

They never had the chance to play catch, go to a football game, build a go kart or teach him how to water ski. Vince never even got to have that talk about the birds and the bees with him. They didn’t get to have a beer together but Vince has had enough of this. Austin thinks the easy thing would be Stunning Vince, but he would rather help him out with the grapefruits instead, meaning a bunch of low blows. Coach gets the Stunner instead and beer is consumed. Vince pulls himself up and gets a Stunner of his own. This was a few jokes until we got to the Austin/Vince moment and that’s always going to work. The search continues.

John Cena vs. Carlito

Non-title and this is the Big Apple Showdown. Cena tackles him down to start and pounds away with right hands. Carlito is sent outside but manages to pull Cena to the floor as we take a break. Back with Cena hitting the top rope Fameasser for two and the STFU makes Carlito tap in a hurry. Not enough shown to rate but this was almost a Cena squash.

Post match Randy Orton comes in and gives Cena an RKO through an open chair. Cena is out cold and Orton yells at him a lot before staring, evily.

Post break, Randy Orton says that’s just the beginning and he’ll take the WWE Title at Summerslam.

There are a bunch of women at ringside for the boxing match.

Matt Hardy vs. Evander Holyfield

Michael Buffer is here to handle the introductions, including one for MVP, in Holyfield’s corner. Matt is at least wearing headgear to prevent a bad case of destruction. We have two minute rounds and Holyfield knocks him down in about a minute. Hardy gets back up and is down again in about twenty seconds. Somehow he survives again to end the round, with MVP being very pleased. The bell rings for the second round and Holyfield doesn’t want to beat him up anymore. MVP comes in and tells Holyfield to do it, earning himself a knockout. This is about all they could have done and at least they made it fast.

CM Punk/Boogeyman vs. John Morrison/Big Daddy V

ECW actually gets the closing spot. Matt Striker is here with V and they’re moving through the entrances pretty fast. Punk and Morrison start things off with Punk rolling him up for tow. Morrison sends him throat first into the middle rope so Punk clotheslines him over the top to the floor.

We take a break and come back with Boogeyman backdropping Morrison a bit harder than he needed to but Striker’s distraction lets V come in. That means Boogeyman is thrown around this time but he does avoid a charge in the corner. It’s back to Punk with the springboard clothesline to Morrison but he’s back up with a knee to the head. Not that it matters though as Punk grabs a small package for the pin.

Rating: C-. This felt like they were running out of time and had to squeeze everyone in there while they could. I’ll take that over not having the match, though V didn’t do much here, which might be a good thing. Punk gets another boost for his title match and that was the point here.

Commentary sends us to a fast highlight video to wrap up the show.

Overall Rating: C. Keeping in mind that this was just a way to build to a pay per view, it was completely watchable. They probably could have cut this down to an hour instead of an hour and a half, but at least they covered a lot of stuff and had the Vince/Austin deal in the middle. Absolutely not a show you need to see, but it would have been completely acceptable background noise while you fold your neighbor’s towels.

 

 

 

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Royal Rumble 2010
Date: January 31, 2010
Location: Phillips Arena, Atlanta, Georgia
Attendance: 16,697
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, Matt Striker

We’re getting close to the end of the run here with only three shows left. Tonight we’ve got the Rumble of course along with Undertaker defending against Mysterio and Sheamus defending against Orton. I remember really liking this one as the new generation had arrived and was rising up the card. Let’s get to it.

The opening video is about the Road to Wrestlemania is beginning and how it determines what happens for months to come. This is called the most star studded Rumble ever, which is a tagline that has been used before.

ECW Title: Christian vs. Ezekiel Jackson

Christian is defending and man that ECW ring announcer has an annoying voice. Regal is with Jackson here. According to Striker, Jackson went to Columbia Law School. Now there’s a factoid that fell through the cracks. Jackson shoves Christian into the corner and then does it again into the ropes so the champion slaps him in the face. After a brief chase, Christian dropkicks Jackson out to the floor.

The springboard plancha takes Jackson out and we head back in. Christian finally gets caught in the corner and pounded on before having the Killswitch easily blocked. Instead Christian chokes away on the ropes and hits another shot to the face. Jackson throws Christian to the floor where Regal tries to throw him back in, earning himself an ejection. Off to a neck crank back inside which Jackson picks up into a kind of cobra clutch slam for two.

A vertical suplex gets two for Big Zeke and it’s time for more choking. A sunset flip is easily blocked by Jackson and it’s back to the chinlock. Striker tries to figure out what a peep is, as he knows it as a something made of chocolate. Some shots to the face get Christian out of trouble for awhile, or at least until a clothesline to the back of the head gets two.

Jackson hooks both of Christian’s arms back for another hold before putting the champion on top. The superplex is blocked and Christian hits a top rope back elbow for two (LOVE that move). Jackson’s big clothesline misses and a middle rope dropkick gets two for the champion. A spinwheel kick gets two on Jackson but a swan dive misses and gives Zeke a near fall as does a backbreaker.

The tornado DDT gets ANOTHER two for Christian so Jackson takes his head off with a clothesline. Off to a sleeper from Christian when the Killswitch doesn’t work but Jackson counters into a powerslam position to ram Christian’s back into the buckle. Christian slides down Jackson’s back and grabs the Killswitch out of nowhere to retain.

Rating: C+. Trim two minutes out of this and it goes WAY up in quality. The period of near falls went on too long without getting any significant heat from the crowd. Jackson would get the title in a little over two weeks on the final episode of ECW because if there’s one man that should be the final ECW Champion, it’s a musclehead that could barely get through a five minute match most of the time.

Cryme Tyme come in to try to get a second spot in the Rumble from Teddy and Tiffany. Khali says “no dice homeslice” to selling their spot because he’s keeping it real. Apparently he’s learned his English from Family Matters (Singh’s words, not mine). Ok then. Anyway US Champion the Miz comes in and laughs which causes him to have to defend against MVP.

Orton is in the back when Cody Rhodes comes in. He’s there for Randy in the title match tonight but that’s not all. Apparently DiBiase isn’t in on this because his mind is on winning the Rumble and taking the title from Orton.

US Title: The Miz vs. MVP

A quick clothesline gets two for MVP and he works on the champ’s ribs to start. Miz gets a boot up in the corner to slow him down but MVP comes right back with a belly to back suplex for two. They head to the floor for this gem from Striker: “Miz is one of the most recognizable faces on this planet.” I don’t think Miz is one of the most recognizable faces in this match.

Back in and Miz sends MVP to the apron and gets kicked into the table on the floor. Not that this is treated like anything of note because the announcers are laughing about Sherri Shepard from The View. Miz sends shoulders into MVP’s ribs in the corner followed by the running corner clothesline. A top rope double ax gets two for Miz and we hit the chinlock.

After that eats up some time, MVP pounds away with all of his usual stuff. Ballin hits and a running boot to the side of the head gets two for the challenger. A big shoulder block gets the same for MVP but he misses a running boot in the corner. MVP grabs three straight quick near falls but gets caught in a small package for the pin to keep the title on Miz.

Rating: D+. If there was a reason for this to be on PPV other than the show was running short, I don’t know what it was. Miz didn’t look like anything special out there but somehow he would be world champion a year later. MVP on the other hand would be out of the WWE but he did well enough in Japan. Nothing to see here other than a filler match.

Post match MVP hits the Playmaker on Miz and gets booed LOUDLY. He lost completely clean so the booing is deserved.

Show and Jericho, the former tag team champions, run into each other. Show accuses him of being jealous of the chemistry Show and Miz have but Jericho brushes it off. He calls the crowd gelatinous worms before pointing out all of the similarities he and Miz have. Show says he’ll throw both Miz and Jericho out to win the Rumble. R-Truth pops up and says he’ll do the same. Show leaves Jericho standing there much to Jericho’s chagrin.

DiBiase wishes Orton luck and says he’s got Randy’s back. Orton asks where Cody is but DiBiase doesn’t know. This was during the time when Legacy was about to die and both members were trying to get on Randy’s best side. DiBiase claims that Rhodes only wants to win the Rumble but Orton has heard enough. He doesn’t want anyone’s help and gets a clear face pop in response.

The National Guard is here.

Raw World Title: Sheamus vs. Randy Orton

Sheamus won the title in a shocker last month at TLC and is heel here. He’s also still not that good and wouldn’t really hit his stride for about a year and a half. They stare at each other to start and my goodness is Sheamus pale. A dropkick puts the champion down but he comes right back with a running ax handle. Sheamus gets in a shot to the arm and we head to the floor where said arm is sent into the steps.

Back in and Orton goes for the knee and things slow down a bit. Orton wouldn’t really pick up the pace of his offense until about the following year which made his matches pretty hard to sit through. Sheamus comes back by sending Orton’s shoulder into the post twice and hitting some shoulder blocks in the corner. That gets him nowhere though as Orton takes out the knee again and knocks Sheamus to the floor.

They head inside again and yet AGAIN momentum shifts back to Sheamus as he hits a DDT on the arm for two. Off to an armbar for a bit before they slug it out to the boo/yay chants. Orton wins the slugout but walks into the Irish Curse for two. The High Cross is escaped and Orton kicks Sheamus in the head to send him to the outside. Orton gets ready for the RKO but Rhodes jumps the guardrail and blasts Sheamus in the back before running away. The referee sees it though and despite Orton hitting the RKO, he’s disqualified and Sheamus keeps the title. Lame ending to a pretty lame match.

Rating: D+. Like I said, Sheamus just wasn’t very good yet. He was still this big imposing brawler who pounded on people and that’s about it. There was indeed a story in the match but it wasn’t a very entertaining one as they just kept beating on each other’s limbs but when there’s no difference because of the beating, the story doesn’t work. The ending didn’t help either but it did set up something in the future.

Post match Orton snaps on Cody as DiBiase comes down to save his partner. While Orton yells at Cody in the corner, Sheamus comes back in and lays out Randy with a Brogue Kick.

We recap Mickie vs. McCool. This was an awkward feud as Mickie won the title shot in a triple threat and then Laycool made fun of Mickie for being fat. This is of course odd as Mickie is a professional athlete and gorgeous and would only be called fat by a crazy person. It’s also pretty disturbing when you consider how WWE pushes the Divas as role models. The final bit of it was a segment where Mickie got beaten down and covered in food.

Women’s Title: Michelle McCool vs. Mickie James

Pre match Michelle runs her mouth about how fat Mickie is and accuses her of skipping out on the match. Michelle offers cake and here’s Layla in a Mickie Pig costume. The real Mickie sprints to the ring and hits a Thesz Press on Layla on the floor. She heads inside, sends Michelle into Layla and hits the MickieDT for the pin and the title in 20 seconds.

Post match the other Divas bring out a cake and smash it into Laycool’s faces.

We recap Mysterio vs. Undertaker. Rey won the shot by slamming a cage door onto Batista’s head to escape because that’s what heroes do. Taker said he’ll show no mercy on Mysterio so Rey uses the same line everyone does on Taker: he isn’t afraid. Batista beat up Mysterio as well, claiming that Undertaker and the world title was his.

Smackdown World Title: Rey Mysterio vs. Undertaker

Mysterio, in the deep south, comes out wearing a white hood. Striker talks about Lawler being in the ring with Kamala and Lord Humongous (Sid) because he thinks it makes him sound interesting. He’s trying to make a comparison to being in the ring with Undertaker, but if he was as smart as he thinks he is, he would ask Jerry what it’s like to be in the ring with Undertaker himself, which would save a lot of headaches.

Rey fires off some shots in the corner before Taker grabs him by the neck and throws him up and over the top and out to the floor. That looked awesome. Back to the apron and Rey fires off strikes to the face, only to get punched right back down to the floor by a single shot. Taker misses the legdrop on the apron but hits it the second time before heading back in. Rey counters a chokeslam into the 619 but Taker easily grabs the legs. Tombstone is countered and Taker misses an elbow drop.

Rey tries a springboard cross body but jumps into a boot to the chest. We head to the floor again and there’s another big boot to the head to take Rey down. A third big boot keeps Rey down but the fourth misses and Taker sends his leg around the post. Rey hits a baseball slide to send the leg into said post and Taker is in trouble. The seated senton off the apron is caught and Taker puts him back on the apron, only to be caught by an Asai Moonsault to put both guys down.

Taker grabs Rey by the throat and slams him into the barricade. The champion’s nose is busted a bit. Taker does that lifting wristlock of his to crank on the arm a bit before punching Rey down in the corner for a bit. A big side slam gets two for the guy who would use a side slam in this match as Striker goes into this big speech about how the blood shows that undertaker is mortal. Seriously, it’s a BLOODY NOSE. Watch the freaking Lesnar match in the Cell when the blood is literally dripping from Taker’s head and down onto Lesnar’s body.

Rey starts firing off some punches but a single shot from Taker is enough to put him back down. A jawbreaker finally staggers the big man and they do a kind of cross body, although Taker counters into something like Langston’s Big Ending, so it’s hard to say which hurt worse. Taker sits up so Rey kicks him in the face. Why has no one done that before? Rey drops the dime (springboard legdrop) for two but Taker kills him with a big clothesline. The Last Ride is countered and the 619 hits as does a second one, but the West Coast Pop is countered into the Last Ride to retain the title.

Rating: B. This was solid stuff for the most part for a few reasons. First of all, they didn’t make Taker look ridiculous to get into position for Rey’s moves. That’s my biggest issue with most of Rey’s battles against giants: how stupid the big men look. The other good thing here is that Taker wasn’t knocked silly after just a few moves. Rey only hit maybe a dozen offensive moves here other than basic strikes and it wouldn’t have made sense to have Taker in major trouble. Finally, Rey can bump like crazy when he’s trying to. The only issues here are the lack of a threat to Taker and Striker’s commentary. Chill out already man.

Shawn is watching in the back when Kane comes in and says Shawn’s obsession with Taker is unhealthy. This is KANE calling something unhealthy. He warns Shawn to cool it with Taker because it won’t end well. Kane leaves and HHH comes in. Shawn apologizes for whatever happened on Raw which apparently isn’t important enough to specify. HHH agrees Shawn vs. Taker is meant to be, but it won’t be by wining the Rumble.

Rumble by the Numbers time:

23 Winners

627 entrants eliminated

36 eliminations by Austin

11 eliminations by Kane in 2001

2002 was the last Rumble in Atlanta

62:12 Rey was in the Rumble in 2006

2 seconds was the record for 20 years until Santino broke it last year

3 wins for Austin

2 win for #1, the same as #30

70% of the winners win at Mania

Royal Rumble

Dolph Ziggler is #1 and Evan Bourne is #2. Bourne snaps off a headscissors to start and follows up with a spinwheel kick to take Dolph down. Ziggler comes back with the Zig Zag but can’t throw Evan out. Bourne decks Ziggler and hits Air Bourne as CM Punk of the Straightedge Society is #3. He slams the other two guys’ heads together and dumps them out one after the other. Punk gets a mic and says that tonight is the greatest night in the history of the Straightedge Society. These two are just the first of 29 men who will challenge him, but they can be saved.

The clock starts running down, so Punk gives us the line of the night: “Excuse me, it’s clobberin time.” JTG is #4 and after a few clotheslines, he poses like an idiot in the corner and gets dumped. Punk gets the mic again and says that not everyone can be saved because they don’t have his dedication. Great Khali is #5 and Punk immediately says he can make Khali greater by saving him. He asks Khali to raise his hand for the Straightedge Pledge but Khali lowers the hand onto Punk’s head for the chop.

There’s the Khali Vice and in less than 90 seconds, Beth Phoenix of all people is #6. She stares down Khali and gets picked up and placed on the apron. Beth kisses Khali but in the process pulls him over the top to eliminate him. Phoenix gets back in and BEATS UP PUNK, only to get caught in a GTS to the chest. Would that really knock her out? Before she’s dumped out, here’s Zack Ryder at #7.

As Ryder gets in, Punk grabs the mic and says Zack has potential. PREACH IT BROTHER! Punk starts offering him a spot but his Ryder with the mic before he gets done with it. The fans are going nuts for Punk now and there goes Ryder. Punk talks about how great he is and wants to know who is next, but whoever it is, they’re inferior to Punk. In at #8 is HHH as we enter the second segment of the Rumble.

They stare each other down and HHH starts punching. The facebuster has Punk staggered and a spinebuster puts him down as Drew McIntyre is #9. That gives us a tag champion in HHH and the IC Champion in Drew at the moment. HHH is looking a bit flabby here. He hits the high knee on McIntyre and escapes the GTS to eliminate Punk. DiBiase is #10 as we’re flying through this.

HHH gets double teamed down in the corner until John Morrison, the guy that lost the title to McIntyre, is #11. He takes both heels down and pounds away on them before hitting a jumping DDT on Drew. Starship Pain almost completely misses Drew and HHH clotheslines John down. Kane is #12 and comes in with the top rope clothesline to HHH. There’s a double chokeslam to McIntyre and Morrison before Kane tries to dump DiBiase.

Rhodes is #13 and saves Ted as he comes in. Morrison is sent to the apron and springboards back in, only to get dropkicked out of the air. Legacy goes after Kane but HHH saves him for no apparent reason. Cody saves himself from being eliminated and MVP is #14. Miz runs up behind him though and blasts MVP with the US Title. Morrison hits the Moonlight Drive on McIntyre to break up the Future Shock on Kane. HHH is in trouble in the corner and MVP is carried to the back.

Carlito is #15 and the ring is starting to get full. There’s a Backstabber to HHH and one for Drew and Ted as well. Miz is #16 and hits a quick Finale on Carlito. Cue MVP to clothesline Miz out and eliminate himself in the process. Matt Hardy is #17 and lasts about 20 seconds before Kane puts him out. HHH immediately dumps Kane too and the ring is a lot more empty all of a sudden.

HHH starts laying out everyone and Shawn is #18. Carlito is backdropped out, Rhodes and DiBiase are tossed, Morrison gets dumped, and DX puts out McIntyre to get us down to DX. Before anything can happen though, Cena is #19 to get us to the final third of the match. Cena cleans house and hits a double Shuffle before getting caught in the Pedigree. Out of nowhere Shawn superkicks HHH out to pop the crowd BIG.

Shelton Benjamin in that stupid gold period is #20. He hits Paydirt on both guys but gets dumped by Cena in less than 50 seconds. Yoshi Tatsu is #21 and doesn’t even make it 30 seconds. Big Show is #22 and Cena is shaken. Big Show RUNS down to the ring and house is cleaned. Shawn and Cena try to eliminate each other but Show pulls Shawn back in for some reason. What’s up with that tonight?

Mark Henry is #23 and we get a quick battle of the giant. Who would think those two would have a world title feud a year and a half later and be REALLY popular? Henry slams Show and falls on Cena as he tries an AA. Show spears Henry down and Chris Masters is #24. Masters tries the Masterlock on Show and gets dumped for his efforts. Now Henry goes after Show but Shawn breaks it up for some reason. R-Truth is #25 and actually dumps BOTH big guys. There’s something you wouldn’t expect.

Truth hits a Stroke on Cena and Jack Swagger is #26. All three guys get Vader Bombs and Swagger goes old school with a very slow Oklahoma Stampede. Jack knocks Michaels to the apron but can’t get the elimination. Kingston is #27 and cleans house on Swagger, hitting the Boom Drop and dumping him out with a nice leverage move. Truth puts Kofi on the apron but gets pulled out by a reverse headscissors.

Jericho is #28 but after cleaning about half the house, Cena grabs an AA to put him down. Shawn adds the top rope elbow and tunes up the band but Kofi hits Trouble in Paradise to take him out. Cena dumps Kofi but walks into a Codebreaker. Everyone is down and EDGE makes his big return at #29. That’s rather brilliant instead of waiting for the big surprise at #30, we get a SWERVE that actually makes sense.

Everyone gets a spear and Jericho is out. Edge is back about six months early and it’s Edge-O-Matics all around. Batista is #30, giving us a final four of Shawn, Cena, Edge and Batista. Not bad at all. It’s power all around but Edge spears him down. Everyone is down now Shawn gets up first and hits the forearm on Cena followed by the nipup.

Shawn slams every American in sight and drops the top rope elbow on Cena. Batista takes one too as Edge is still down in the corner. Sweet Chin Music hits Cena and there’s one for Batista as well. Edge clotheslines Shawn to the apron and Michaels superkicks Edge back in, only to get knocked out by Batista. The crowd gasps HUGE at that and Shawn is about to cry. Shawn gets back in and superkicks the referee to vent some frustration. Shawn FINALLY leaves and Cena escapes the Batista Bomb before dumping Batista out. Edge misses the spear but throws out Cena a second later to go to Wrestlemania.

Rating: A-. This is kind of a hard one to grade. They definitely followed the three act structure which helped a lot and the match was VERY fast paced. I mean, the longest anyone was in there was Cena and he barely broke 20 minutes. The problem with that is it doesn’t give anything time to develop. The main story was Shawn which is fine and he would get to Mania at the end of the day anyway. It’s a really fun Rumble but not one of the best ever.

Overall Rating: B. The Rumble is very solid and the rest has nothing terrible so we’ll call it a good show overall. Things would get a lot more interesting soon after this with the rise of the Nexus and a very solid Wrestlemania. This was also a time of transition for the company as a lot of the guys in this show would be gone by the end of the year. Anyway good show here and worth checking out.

Ratings Comparison

Christian vs. Ezekiel Jackson

Original: C+

Redo: C+

Miz vs. MVP

Original: B-

Redo: D+

Sheamus vs. Randy Orton

Original: B

Redo: D+

Mickie James vs. Michelle McCool

Original: N/A

Redo: N/A

Undertaker vs. Rey Mysterio

Original: C-

Redo: B

Royal Rumble

Original: A

Redo: A-

Overall Rating

Original: A-

Redo: B

Dang I liked Sheamus a lot more than I thought I did.

Here’s the original review if you’re interested:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2011/01/29/royal-rumble-count-up-2010-one-of-the-best-ever/

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and head over to my Amazon author page with 30 different cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

AND

Remember to check out Wrestlingrumors.net for all of your wrestling headline needs.

 

Royal Rumble 2009
Date: January 25, 2009
Location: Joe Louis Arena, Detroit, Michigan
Attendance: 16,685
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, Jim Ross, Todd Grisham, Matt Striker, Tazz

This isn’t so much the Royal Rumble as much as it is HHH and Randy Orton are in a match and 28 other guys happen to be in the ring too. Other than that we have Edge challenging the NEW WWE Champion Jeff Hardy and Cena defending against JBL, who has Shawn Michaels and his crisis of conscience working for him at the moment. This wasn’t the best year for WWE so let’s get to it.

No intro video this year. That’s interesting.

ECW Title: Jack Swagger vs. Matt Hardy

Swagger won the title about two weeks ago and this is Hardy’s rematch. We actually get big match intros for this, which is a rare sight for an ECW Title match. Matt takes him into the corner to start before punching Jack in the face. Striker calls that a pugilistic endeavor to sound smart. Another punch sends Swagger to the floor and we head back inside for a clothesline from Matt.

Jack heads to the floor to hide after Matt swings again. Back in and Swagger takes Hardy to the mat and cranks on the arm a bit. Hardy comes back with a dropkick in the corner and a bulldog for two, only to go up and get shoved down to the floor. Back in and Swagger starts in on the arm but Hardy quickly escapes a key lock. A punch to Hardy’s arm blocks a clothesline and a big boot gets two for the champion.

Back to the key lock as Jack stays on the arm. He lifts Hardy off the mat by the arm a few times as the fans cheer for the challenger. Matt fights back but he’s basically fighting with one arm here. A bulldog puts Jack down for two and a middle rope elbow to Swagger’s back gets the same.

Hardy walks into a belly to belly suplex from Jack for two though and both guys are down. A DDT on the arm gets two for the champion but Matt blocks a belly to back superplex. Matt hits a decent looking moonsault for two and the fans are getting into these kickouts. The Twist is countered and Jack sends Matt shoulder and possibly head first into the post. The Swagger Bomb retains the title.

Rating: B-. Better match than I was expecting here with both guys looking good out there. Matt was getting close to being something decent as a singles guy and this was his way off ECW and onto Smackdown. Swagger would go on to win a world title and shock the world in the process before falling through the floor soon after. Solid opener here.

Orton arrives and gets glared at.

Women’s Title: Beth Phoenix vs. Melina

Melina is challenging and Beth has Santino with her here. Beth shoves her around to start before easily breaking out of a headlock. A LOUD Santino chant starts up as Beth throws Melina around. Melina comes back with a shot to the head but gets shoved down immediately again. The challenger hooks an armbar of all things but Beth easily stands up while Melina stands on her shoulder.

Melina gets on Beth’s shoulders again but Beth shoves her down in a crash. A running Umaga attack in the corner puts Melina down again and Beth is in full control. In a freaky looking move, Beth grabs Melina’s leg in a kind of ankle lock position and bends the leg forward to make Melina kick herself in the back of the head. FREAKING OW MAN! Melina escapes a gorilla press and fires off some forearms before getting two off a sunset flip. Two knees into Beth’s back have her staggered and a hair drag gets two. Out of nowhere, Melina grabs a spinning rollup for the pin and the title. As sudden as it sounds.

Rating: D+. Not terrible here and the girls looked good so I can’t complain much. That leg lock thing of Beth’s was SICK and it’s one of those moves that just looks painful all around. At the end of the day though, does it matter who has either of the female belts? They’re completely interchangeable and this one was retired the next year.

We recap JBL vs. Cena, which is basically the Shawn Michaels Story. Basically the story went that Shawn was crushed by the financial crash and JBL offered to hire him to help win the title. Shawn helped JBL win a #1 contenders match and the question is will he screw over Cena tonight and compromise his morals? There was a VERY real argument to be made for Shawn vs. JBL at Mania for the title, so this wasn’t a layup. The problem with this story is still there though: Shawn is a world class wrestler with the top company in the world….and he’s broke? He may have lost his savings but he’s not unemployed.

JBL tells Shawn is he wins the title tonight, Shawn is free with a huge payday and he can be in the Rumble tonight, which at the moment he isn’t. Bradshaw leaves and Taker shows up, saying that sometimes it’s a nightmare getting to Heaven.

Raw World Title: John Cena vs. John Bradshaw Layfield

Cena is defending in case you skipped the previous parts. We get the big match intros here and even a weapons check for old times’ sake. Cena takes him to the mat with a headlock to start but JBL counters into one of his own. A shoulder block puts JBL down and out to the floor as we take a breather. JBL whispers something to Shawn before heading back inside for some clubbing forearms to the back.

Cena slams him down for two though and we’re still in the early stages. JBL heads to the floor again but this time Cena goes after him. He runs into Shawn though and stops cold, allowing JBL to get in a shot to take over. Shawn didn’t move at all. Back in with JBL in control and a standing clothesline gets two. Presumably that one was only from Hoboken.

Off to a chinlock from the challenger as we keep things at JBL’s slow pace. A side slam gets two on Cena and he rolls out to the apron. Layfield knocks him to the floor and then sends him into the stairs for two back inside. Cena fights out of a superplex attempt and hits the top rope Fameasser for two of his own. The champ initiates his finishing sequence with all of his usual stuff including the Shuffle. Shawn hasn’t been a factor in the first nine minutes or so of the match.

JBL escapes the AA but gets caught in the STF instead. Shawn starts grabbing the ropes but doesn’t do anything. Cena lets go of the hold anyway, allowing JBL to kick Cena to the floor. JBL’s Clothesline gets two so he glares at Shawn for some reason. A quick AA attempt misses and JBL kicks the referee down by mistake. The Johns double clothesline each other and it’s time for the big moment.

Shawn gets in the ring and is staring at both guys. Both guys get up and Shawn superkicks John. As in the challenger/him employer. He also kicks the champion/the guy he was hired to take out before leaving. Shawn puts JBL’s arm across Cena, causing the fans to chant for the champ. Another referee comes out and gets a two count for Layfield and both guys get up. Cena hits a quick AA on JBL to retain.

Rating: C-. The match itself was pretty dull but the drama worked well enough to make up for it. At the end of the day, JBL simply wasn’t good enough at this point to hang in a world title match. Cena had to tone it WAY down to let JBL keep up with him and it showed badly. Still though, Shawn more than makes up for it and would go on to have a masterpiece with Taker at Mania so all is well and good.

We recap Edge vs. Hardy. Hardy shocked the world (including me) at Armageddon by winning the title, but a few weeks later he started having a string of “accidents” including having pyro go off in his face and nearly getting killed by a crazy driver. Everyone blamed Edge but he denied responsibility. The question is who is behind all this stuff. Hardy hasn’t had a match that I know of in the meantime. I went to a house show during this period and Hardy didn’t wrestle.

Smackdown World Title: Edge vs. Jeff Hardy

Vickie makes it No DQ for no apparent reason and Chavo is in Edge’s corner because he’s familia. Jeff spears Edge into the corner to start and pounds away as fast as he can. The fans almost immediately start chanting WE WANT CHRISTIAN. Now remember that line as I’ll get back to it later on. Christian had left TNA and word hadn’t broken yet on if he had signed with WWE yet (I don’t think). Anyway, Jeff tries to bring in a chair but Edge kicks it out of his hands before it gets inside.

Hardy pounds away but Edge gets in a shot to take over for the first time. Edge sends him to the floor but can’t hit a baseball slide, allowing Hardy to hit a clothesline off the apron. Back in and Jeff tries a springboard but gets kicked down to the floor for the third time. Edge rams him into various hard objects including tables and the barricade and then another table.

We head back inside again with Edge in full control including a spear in the corner. Jeff grabs a quick two off a sunset flip but gets clotheslined right back down. Off to a body vice by Edge to slow things down a bit. Jeff fights up and hits a mule kick before going up top, only to jump into a dropkick from Edge for two. Now Edge goes to get two chairs but Jeff spears him down off the apron before it can be brought in.

Edge gets back to the apron but gets pulled down into a Twist of Fate onto said apron, sending both guys down onto the floor. Since it’s Jeff vs. Edge, here’s a ladder. Jeff spreads Edge out on the table but Chavo climbs up to slow Jeff down. Edge moves, so Jeff hits a HUGE splash to put Chavo through the table instead. Back in and Jeff gets two off a high cross body. Edge gets up first and pulls a buckle off, only to get caught in the Whisper in the Wind for two.

Out of nowhere Edge counters the Twist into a DDT for a very close two. We’re pretty clearly in the final stages of this match which means it’s getting awesome. Edge counters the slingshot dropkick into a kind of hot shot into the exposed buckle for ANOTHER two. The spear is countered into a Twist of Fate so Jeff goes up. After kicking Vickie away, the Swanton hits but Vickie pulls the referee out. Cue Matt to send Vickie into the ring and pick up a chair. To the shock of a lot of people, Matt cracks Jeff with the chair to give Edge of all people the world title.

Rating: B. This too awhile to get going but once they hit their stride they started acting like Edge and Jeff Hardy in a big match. The No DQ stuff wasn’t needed here but it made things work a bit better. At the end of the day, these two work best when they can turn off the rules and go nuts, which is what they did here.

Now remember earlier that I mentioned Christian. He was originally supposed to be in Matt’s spot, setting up a reunion with Edge. However, WWE felt the fans figured this out so we got Matt in his place. This also happened in 2012 with Sheamus winning the Rumble instead of Jericho. Based on this theory, Shawn should have kept the title at Wrestlemania 14 because almost everyone knew that Austin was winning.

That makes no sense and I don’t get what they think this is accomplishing. It didn’t work out well for Russo and it won’t work out for the WWE. Matt vs. Jeff didn’t work at the end of the day, mainly because I don’t think people wanted to see them fight. I’ll give them this: they did come up with a logical reason for Matt to turn so it’s not a terrible idea. It just wasn’t the best option they had.

Orton says he’ll win. Jericho pops in to thank Orton for punting Vince on Monday but Randy will probably get fired for it.

Rumble by the numbers which is roughly the same as the previous year.

Royal Rumble

Mysterio is #1 and Morrison is #2. Rey kicks him in the face a few times to start but gets put on the apron for trying his sitout bulldog. A springboard cross body puts Morrison down and there’s a big headscissors to take Morrison down. John gets sent to the apron but hangs on by the top rope, even when Mysterio dropkicks him in the ribs. Carlito is #3 and is the second tag champion in here along with Morrison. Those titles would be unified at Mania.

Rey tries a standing moonsault but gets caught in a modified swinging neckbreaker instead. Carlito hits a gorgeous double jump moonsault to take Morrison down and stomping ensues. MVP, currently on a winning streak after losing forever, is #4. There’s Ballin on Morrison and a facebuster to Carlito. Rey get sent to the apron but he saves himself almost immediately.

Great Khali with the awesome dance music is #5. Everybody gets a chop and Khali poses a bit. Mysterio tries to springboard onto him and Carlito tries a Backstabber, both to no avail. Kozlov is #6 and immediately headbutts Khali out by himself. MVP misses a running kick in the corner and he’s gone too (BIG heat on Vlad for that). Carlito is gone after jumping into a spinebuster and Mysterio looks to be up next, but heeeeeeeeeere’s HHH at #7.

Since no one else can get a good match out of Kozlov, you know HHH is going to try his hand at him. They stare each other down and Kozlov hits the headbutt to take him down. The facebuster stuns Kozlov and HHH throws him out wise ease. It’s HHH, Morrison and Mysterio in there at the moment with Rey chilling in the corner. The knee to the face puts Morrison down and Orton is #8.

The battle of Evolution continues and the backbreaker puts HHH down. Both finishers are countered with Morrison breaking up the Pedigree. Rey hits a seated senton on Orton and the 619 on Morrison before JTG is in at #9. Orton tries to put Mysterio out as people start pairing off. Ted DiBiase, as in one of Orton’s lackeys, is #10. Mysterio and DiBiase immediately fight to the apron with Rey doing some gymnastics to stay alive.

Jericho is #11 and goes right for Orton. He can’t get him out so there’s a Lionsault to HHH instead. Jericho is knocked to the apron and Mike Knox is #12. Orton and DiBiase focus on JTG as Knox beats on Rey. HHH saves the masked dude for no apparent reason and Miz is #13. He goes right after JTG and hits something like the Skull Crushing Finale before going after the Game.

Morrison and Mysterio team up on Orton but John and Miz both take RKOs. There’s one for JTG but HHH hits a Pedigree to stop Randy dead. HHH dumps Miz and Morrison to prove how awesome he is and Finlay is #14. Jericho backdrops Mysterio to the floor but he lands on Morrison and hops onto Miz to get back to the ring. Finlay beats on everyone in the ring until Cody Rhodes, the other of Orton’s goons, is #15.

We currently have Mysterio, HHH, Orton, JTG, DiBiase, Jericho, Knox, Finlay and Rhodes. Legacy (the collective name of the trio) starts picking off people one at a time, starting with Finlay. They don’t actually put anyone out but they get to beat on everyone at least. Rey dives at Orton but gets caught in an RKO in a nice counter. The Undertaker is #16 and here come the punches. His only victim at this point is JTG to clear the ring out a bit.

Goldust of all people is in at #17 and immediately goes for DiBiase. Rhodes pulls his real life brother (Goldust) off so Goldie sends him to the apron a few times. That’s as far as he can get though as an RKO puts Goldust down and Rhodes gets to dump him out. Punk is #18 and happens to be the IC Champion at this point. There’s a GTS for HHH as RKO works on Y2J. Mysterio gets sent to the apron by Knox and Finlay works on Taker.

Mark Henry is #19 and throws a lot of people around but can’t get anybody out. Shelton Benjamin is #20 to fill the ring up even more. Jericho and Punk go up top for no apparent reason other than for Shelton to charge the corner and hit a kind of double DDT to bring them both back down. Billy Regal is #21 and goes right for Punk, who beat him for the IC Title a week or so again.

Mysterio dumps Henry off camera to thankfully get someone out of the ring. HHH is upside down in the corner but he winds up sitting on the apron. Here’s Kofi at #22 to speed things up as well as he can with so many people around him. Taker dumps Benjamin and Kane is #23. After beating up a few people he stares his brother down before they start working together to chokeslam some people.

Punk pulls Regal out and brags about it without getting thrown out. R-Truth is #24 and nothing happens. Rob Van Dam makes a one night only return at #25 after not having been seen in the WWE in about a year and a half. That at least wakes the crowd up but there are too many people in there for his style of stuff to work. He loads up the Five Star but Truth is too close so he has to bail out in mid air.

The Brian Kendrick is #26 back when he was actually a big deal. To show how big he is, he manages to dump Kofi and get thrown out by HHH in about fifteen seconds. Dolph Ziggler gets lucky #27 but only lasts about six seconds longer than Kendrick with Kane getting the point. Your future World Heavyweight Champion ladies and gentlemen. Santino is #28 and breaks Warlord’s record of two seconds in the Rumble by being clotheslined out by Kane before he can even stand up straight.

Jim Duggan makes his token Rumble appearance at #29 and he punches everything in sight, including knocking the Dead Man down. Big Show is #30, giving us a final group of Mysterio, HHH, Orton, DiBiase, Jericho, Knox, Finlay, Rhodes, Undertaker, Punk, Kane, R-Truth, RVD, Duggan and Big Show, or half the field in the entire match. Nearly everyone goes after him at once but it’s Duggan that gets tossed instead.

Jericho tries to put a sleeper on Show but it gets about as far as you would expect. Taker throws Punk to the apron as Show dumps Truth. Punk fires off some kicks and hangs on three times so Show finally knocks him out cold and out to the floor. Show knocks out Knox and Mysterio as Horny gets in for no apparent reason. Finlay tries to save him and gets dumped for his efforts at good parenting.

Jericho hits a Codebreaker on Kane and Orton hits the Elevated DDT on HHH. Taker and Show have their required staredown and RVD hits the Five Star on Orton. Jericho comes up behind Van Dam to dump him while Rob holds his ribs. That’s his last WWE appearance to date. Chris turns around and sees Taker who tosses him with glee. Legacy teams up to put Kane out and we’re down to Taker, Big Show, HHH and Legacy.

The trio surrounds Undertaker as HHH gets chokeslammed. Taker does the same to most of Legacy so the giants punch each other a lot until Show gets knocked to the apron and hangs on with his feet flying off the apron. THAT was cool. Not that it matters anyway as he gets RKO’ed out a few moments later but it still looked good. Show pulls Taker to the floor a minute later because that’s how he rolls.

So as people expected at the time, it’s HHH vs. Legacy for the Rumble. Taker and Show fight into the crowd for no apparent reason. HHH goes after Rhodes first but the numbers catch up with him. He gets beaten down and Orton says pick him up. The RKO is countered though and HHH sends Orton to the apron. There goes DiBiase and Rhodes follows, but Orton sneaks up on HHH and throws him out to win the Rumble.

Rating: D. This was one of the weaker Rumbles there’s ever been. For one thing, it was clear that Orton was going to win no matter what happened. Second and probably more important, they got caught in the classic Rumble trap of having WAY too many people in there at once. They didn’t even try the three act structure here and it showed badly. That’s something Pat Patterson was absolutely amazing at and he was gone by this point.

Overall Rating: C-. It’s clear that the company was in a transitional period here and that makes this a hard one to get through. There’s enough good stuff here to check it out, but it’s nothing worth going out of your way to see. The only really solid match is Edge vs. Hardy and even that is nothing really worth seeing. This is a rare instance where the Rumble didn’t dictate how the show went as the rest of it is a far easier sit than the Rumble itself.

Ratings Comparison

Jack Swagger vs. Matt Hardy

Original: B

Redo: B-

Melina vs. Beth Phoenix

Original: C-

Redo: D+

John Cena vs. John Bradshaw Layfield

Original: C

Redo: C-

Edge vs. Jeff Hardy

Original: B-

Redo: B

Royal Rumble

Original: D

Redo: D

Overall Rating

Original: B+

Redo: C-

So let me get this straight: every match is literally within a single grade of the original but the original is nearly two grades higher? Dang I was REALLY feeling generous that day. A show with an hour long match that gets a D doesn’t sound like a B+ overall to me.

Here’s the original review if you’re interested:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2011/01/28/royal-rumble-count-up-2009-the-voices-tell-me-no-one-but-orton-has-a-chance/

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and head over to my Amazon author page with 30 different cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

AND

Remember to check out Wrestlingrumors.net for all of your wrestling headline needs.

Royal Rumble 2008
Date: January 27, 2008
Location: Madison Square Garden, New York City New York
Attendance: 20,798
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole Jonathan Coachman, Joey Styles, Tazz

This show is special for a few reasons, not the least of which is the fact that we are in the Garden. That alone is enough to get excited, but the other big story here is the Raw World Title match between Jeff Hardy and Randy Orton, which is so intriguing that it seems to have raised the buys of the show to its highest in a few years. I’m curious to see how well it holds up so let’s get to it.

The opening video looks at the Garden and the history of the Royal Rumble. You can’t ask for much more than that.

Ric Flair vs. MVP

MVP’s US Title isn’t on the line but Flair’s career is, which is hardly a fair trade. Before the match, Flair talks about his history in this building and thanks the fans for all of the respect they have given him since his first match here in March 1976. Then MVP’s music cuts him off because WWE knows how to disrespect legends.

Feeling out process to start with Flair working on the arm so MVP shoves him away. That just gets on Flair’s nerves so he hammers away in the corner, earning himself a kick to the face. The chinlock goes on as the fans let MVP know that he sucks. That’s broken up and Flair goes for the leg, only to get stomped down in the corner again.

A running boot in the corner gets three on Flair, but the foot is on the rope for the heart stopping moment. MVP suplexes him for two and superplexes him for the same. Flair gets in a double clothesline for a double knockdown and some rollups get two each. MVP is back with a shot to the throat but the Playmaker is reversed into the Figure Four for the tap.

Rating: C. I’m not wild on the US Champion losing but there is nothing wrong with giving Flair one more win in Madison Square Garden. The Flair retirement tour was a good thing to see as he earned a lot of the respect and farewells, so MVP losing isn’t the worst thing. I can’t imagine MVP minded putting Flair over in this situation either so it isn’t quite worth getting mad about.

Vince McMahon thinks Flair is rather lucky and explains the idea of the luck of the Irish to Hornswoggle, his illegitimate son at the moment. We hear a bit about the McMahon’s history here in the Garden until Finlay comes in to get Hornswoggle out of there before Vince can…..whatever Vince would do with a bearded leprechaun.

We meet the newest member of the Raw announce team: Mike Adamle. Oh boy here we go.

We recap Chris Jericho vs. John Bradshaw Layfield. Jericho returned with the SAVE US deal but JBL didn’t like the idea and cost him the WWE Title. Now it’s time to come out of retirement for the fight, with JBL even bringing Jericho’s children into the trash talk to make it personal.

Chris Jericho vs. John Bradshaw Layfield

If nothing else, it’s weird to see Jericho with the short hair and long tights. Jericho backs him into the ropes to start but JBL gets in a cheap shot as the referee pulls him away. That earns him a running forearm as Jericho is all ticked off here. The Clothesline From JBL misses so Jericho grabs the Walls, sending JBL straight to the rope. They head outside with JBL getting the better of things, meaning it’s time to catapult Jericho throat first into the bottom rope.

The choking ensues, followed by the sleeper to go old school. That’s broken up and Jericho hits his own running clothesline to put them both down. There’s a big boot to drop Jericho again and JBL sends him shoulder first into the post. Jericho comes up bleeding so JBL stomps away at the head in the corner. That earns him some running forearms to the head and the Lionsault connects. A Cactus Clothesline puts them both on the floor, where Jericho BLASTS him with a chair to the head for the DQ.

Rating: B-. This was as intense and emotional as I’ve seen from Jericho in a long time and it was actually a good brawl. JBL is much better suited for something like this and the ending sets up a rematch at No Way Out. Jericho needed this kind of performance to reestablish himself and the blood looked good too.

Post match Jericho beats JBL up even more and chokes him with a camera cord in a similar version of what JBL did to him a few weeks ago.

Ashley Massaro tries to talk to Maria but gets Maria’s boyfriend Santino Marella again. NO, Maria is NOT posing for Playboy!

We recap Edge vs. Rey Mysterio. Edge has hooked up with Vickie Guerrero and has the Edgeheads behind him, making him all the more invincible. Rey Mysterio won a Beat The Clock Challenge to earn the show.

Smackdown World Title: Edge vs. Rey Mysterio

Edge, is defending and has the wheelchair bound Vickie Guerrero and the Edgeheads with him. Edge goes after the arm to start so Rey forearms him in the face for the break (the simple exits often work best). Rey dropkicks him down for an early two and Edge is looking frustrated. A toss to the floor sets up a baseball slide to Rey, meaning the Edgeheads can get in their cheap shots.

Back in and Edge kicks the leg out to knock Rey off the middle rope. That’s enough to give Edge a target and we hit the half crab. Rey limps up for an enziguri before limping into a powerslam to give Edge two. Another leg crank goes on before Edge tries to expose the knee, allowing Rey to come back with the wheelbarrow bulldog.

The good leg kicks Edge in the face for two more and a seated senton gets two more. A top rope double stomp gets another two so Edge kicks him in the face. The spear misses though and it’s a 619 into the frog splash, but Vickie gets up and pulls the referee. Rey tries another 619 but hits Vickie by mistake. That’s enough to distract Rey so the spear can retain the title.

Rating: C+. There wasn’t much drama here but that’s where the Royal Rumble title shot stereotype comes from. Rey did what he does best here by fighting from underneath and giving you some hope spots but Vickie interfering was the big surprise. She’s a great heat machine and Edge surviving as champion as a result is about as good of a way as you could go here.

Mr. Kennedy comes up to a towel clad Ric Flair in the back. Kennedy suggests a match with Flair but here’s Shawn Michaels to glare him off. Shawn: “Imagine a loud mouthed bleach blonde guy with a catchphrase. That’ll never work. These kids today.” Flair knows Shawn will win so here are Batista and HHH, the latter of whom tells Flair to put his pants on (HHH: “I know I’ve said this a million times before.”). Anyway Shawn says the best man will win tonight, and he’ll be wearing the brand new HBK t-shirt, available now at Shop WWE!

Here’s Maria for the Kiss Cam, because that happens at the Royal Rumble. Cue Ashley to say Playboy wants Maria. Cue Santino Marella with someone wearing a sheet over their head. Santino says it’s not happening and makes fun of the New York sports teams. With the LET’S GO GIANTS chant out of the way, Maria asks the fans if they want her to pose. Santino say no again, and brings the sheeted person in. Naturally it’s Big Dick Johnson, in a New England Patriots jersey. Ashley beats him up anyway.

Mike Adamle throws us to a video on Randy Orton vs. Jeff Harvey.

We recap Randy Orton vs. Jeff Hardy for the Raw World Title. Orton was born to be a star and has every natural gift there is. He breathes wrestling and was destined to be the best. Then there is Jeff Hardy, who is more of a free spirit and rose to this level because he lives for the moment. There are some great old clips of both of them plus the rest of the Orton family. Hardy beat him in a tag match and keeps diving off of one thing after another, which has made fans believe he has a chance. I was right there with them because this was an excellent build.

Raw World Title: Randy Orton vs. Jeff Hardy

Hardy, the Intercontinental Champion (not on the line) is challenging and yes, he could win. A headlock takeover puts Orton down for a quick two and Hardy pulls back hard on the head. That’s reversed into a headscissors but Jeff escapes and hits a basement dropkick for two more. A clothesline puts Orton on the floor and a slingshot dropkick sends him hard into the barricade.

Hardy hits a dive so Orton chills for a bit, only to have Hardy head outside to win a slugout. Back in and Hardy’s springboard attempt is cut off with a dropkick to send him crashing back to the floor. Orton suplexes him on the floor as you can feel the pace slow in a hurry. The stomping and choking ensue back inside but Hardy knocks him outside again. There’s the clothesline from the apron but Hardy misses a charge into the post. The chinlock with the bodyscissors goes on for a good while until Hardy fights up again.

Some running shot to the face set up the Whisper in the Wind for two on Orton and the slingshot dropkick connects in the corner. Orton rolls to the apron before the Swanton can launch and a missile dropkick puts him on the floor again. Hardy isn’t waiting around and moonsaults down onto him for another double knockdown. Back in and Hardy tries the Twist of Fate but Orton reverses into the RKO for the fast pin to retain.

Rating: B. The more I see this match, the more I like it. Hardy was rolling with the high flying and risk taking but the ending made sense: Hardy tried to go with the wrestling and got caught because that’s Orton’s wheelhouse. This gave you the impression that Hardy could win and that was all they needed to do here. Nice job and you could tell that Hardy was more than just a challenger of the month at this point.

Jeff gets a kind of lukewarm standing ovation, but the Garden isn’t the best indication of the masses.

Rumble By The Numbers time!

Rumble By The Numbers:

21 Winners

569 Wrestlers Eliminated

36 Eliminations for Steve Austin, the most ever

11 Royal Rumbles for Shawn Michaels, the most ever

11 Eliminations for Kane, the most in one match

10 Consecutive Royal Rumbles for Kane

3 Times Mick Foley entered in 1998

2 Feet that need to hit the ground for an elimination

1 Woman to have entered, with Chyna

62:12 for Rey Mysterio in 2006, the most ever

:02 For Warlord in 1990, the least ever

3 Wins for Steve Austin, the most ever

#1 Spot, which has produced more winners than #30

1 Winner from #30, the Undertaker in 2007

4 Winners from #27, the most of all time

73% Success rate for winners at Wrestlemania

1 Road to Wrestlemania

Dang I love that thing.

Royal Rumble

Ninety second intervals this year and Michael Buffer is the special ring announcer in one of (if not the) his only appearances for the company. Undertaker is in at #1 and Shawn Michaels is in at #2 because they’re starting big this year (and with the final two from last year’s Rumble). Granted Buffer doesn’t actually say “Shawn Michaels”, instead introducing him as the Heartbreak Kid. Shawn chops away to start but gets sent flying upside down into the corner. A shot to the face puts Undertaker on the apron but he shoves Michaels away.

Santino Marella is in at #3 and lasts as long as you would expect for the first elimination. Shawn chops away even more and hits an atomic drop as Great Khali is in at #4. Undertaker goes straight for him but gets chopped down as the fans give Khali a YOU CAN’T WRESTLE chant. They fight over a chokeslam and Undertaker shoves him out to get us back to two. Hardcore Holly is in at #5 to stomp away at Undertaker in the corner. For some reason Undertaker can’t eliminate Holly and it’s John Morrison in at #6.

Undertaker and Shawn form the Texas Mega Powers but Morrison counters Sweet Chin Music to kick Shawn in the head. Tommy Dreamer is in at #7 and the fans are VERY happy to see him. Dreamer goes after Undertaker but Shawn takes his place to stomp the big man down. Batista is in at #8 to pick things up again, plus toss Dreamer for daring to break up a showdown with the Undertaker.

It’s Hornswoggle in at #9 and he goes straight underneath the ring in a smart move. Everyone brawls around the ring and it’s Chuck Palumbo, as a biker, in at #10. That gives us Undertaker, Shawn, Holly, Morrison, Batista, Hornswoggle and Palumbo for a rather eclectic group. Jamie Noble, currently feuding with Palumbo, is in at #11 and gets knocked out in less than thirty seconds.

Noble’s banged up ribs need some help getting to the back and it’s CM Punk in at #12. The pace picks up until Undertaker clotheslines Punk’s head off. Palumbo and Morrison go after Punk until he tosses Palumbo to clear things out a bit. Cody Rhodes is in at #13 and saves Holly (his partner) and Batista backdrops Shawn. Umaga is in at #14 and tosses Holly in a hurry. Snitsky is in at #15 as they’re flying through these entrants.

Everyone fights by the ropes and it’s the Miz in at #16, meaning we have Miz and Morrison working together. Undertaker and Umaga kick each other on the mat as Shelton Benjamin is in at #17 to snap Miz and Morrison’s throats on top. That earns him Sweet Chin Music for the elimination and it’s Jimmy Snuka in at #18 for the nostalgia pop. Undertaker hurts himself trying the headbutt and it’s Roddy Piper in at #19 for the REAL nostalgia pop. Snuka looks stunned as everyone stops to watch the old guys fight.

Kane is in at #20, giving us Undertaker, Michaels, Morrison, Batista, Hornswoggle (still under the ring), Punk, Rhodes, Umaga, Snitsky, Miz, Snuka, Piper and Kane, which has to be one of the best collections of talent ever in a ring. Kane wastes no time in eliminating Piper and Snuka (they were just there for the one pop anyway so that was all they should have done), much to the fans’ annoyance. Umaga saves Shawn from Undertaker’s chokeslam for some reason and Carlito is in at #21. A Backstabber drops Punk but Cody bulldogs Carlito down.

Mick Foley is in at #22 (big pop) and Undertaker hits a Last Ride on Batista, which isn’t even acknowledged. Mr. Kennedy is in at #23 to a big reaction and some house cleaning. A bit too much trash talk earns him a chokeslam from Undertaker and it’s Big Daddy V in at #24. Undertaker eliminates Snitsky but gets superkicked out by Shawn. Kennedy dumps Shawn and the ring is cleared out in a hurry. Undertaker drives Snitsky through the announcers’ table (or mostly through it) to blow off some steam as Cody and Kennedy tease eliminating each other.

Mark Henry is in at #25 as Hornswoggle comes out to eliminates Miz (still without getting inside). ECW Champion Chavo Guerrero is in at #26 as Kane kicks Morrison out. It’s nice to see the one in one out (or close to it) as it keeps things from getting too clogged up. Henry pulls Hornswoggle in so here’s Finlay, presumably in at #27, for the save. Finlay and Hornswoggle leave without being sent over the top but Finlay is officially disqualified for using the Shillelagh.

Elijah Burke is in at #28 as Batista falls out to the floor without being eliminated. Chavo gets rid of Punk and it’s HHH in at #29. Cody is gone, Big Daddy V is gone and Foley and Burke all go out together as HHH’s hands. HHH punches at everyone he can find, including a Pedigree to Umaga.

The clock is on and……JOHN CENA is in at #30 to blow the roof off the place because he was out with a torn pectoral muscle was wasn’t even certain for Wrestlemania. The Garden is stunned for about ten seconds before realizing that they’re supposed to hate Cena (this really is one of the best surprises the Rumble has ever seen and I smile at it every time). That gives us a final group of Batista, Umaga, Kane, Carlito, Kennedy, Henry, Guerrero, HHH and Cena, which is not too shabby.

Cena goes after Henry and the fans are actually buzzing for a change. Carlito and Henry get tossed by Cena, who goes nose to (large) nose with HHH. The slugout goes to Cena until HHH catches him with a spinebuster. Batista is back in to get rid of Kennedy and Umaga. Kane is tossed out by Batista and HHH, leaving us with Batista, HHH and Cena. HHH tells both of them to suck it and the fight is on. Cena backdrops his way out of a Batista Bomb attempt and Batista is clotheslined out, leaving us with two.

The BOO/YAY slugout it on with Cena getting the better of it and initiating the finishing sequence. The AA is escaped and there’s a double clothesline to put both of them down. Back up and HHH escapes another AA before grabbing a DDT for two. The Pedigree is countered so Cena tries the AA again. That’s broken up as well so Cena grabs it one more time and finally tosses HHH to win.

Rating: B+. I like this one more every time I see it with the Cena return being one of the best things the Rumble has ever done. The rest of the match was very well booked with the big star, the great nostalgia for Piper/Snuka/Foley and enough top names throughout to keep anything from getting dull. They had the right balance here and I had a really good time with the whole thing.

Cena celebrates to end the show.

Overall Rating: B+. I’ve seen this one a few times now and I don’t remember liking it this much. Maybe it’s how bad the modern stuff would get but this was a show where they did their thing each time, had everything working as it should have and then finished it up with a really good Rumble. It set up an underrated Wrestlemania too and after this, I can’t say I’m surprised. Very good show here and worth a look if you haven’t seen it in a bit.

Ratings Comparison

Ric Flair vs. MVP

Original: B-

2013 Redo: C

2018 Redo: C

2021 Redo: C

John Bradshaw Layfield vs. Chris Jericho

Original: D+

2013 Redo: D+

2018 Redo: D+

2021 Redo: B-

Edge vs. Rey Mysterio

Original: A-

2013 Redo: C+

2018 Redo: B

2021 Redo: C+

Jeff Hardy vs. Randy Orton

Original: C-

2013 Redo: C+

2018 Redo: B-

2021 Redo: B

Royal Rumble

Original: C-

2013 Redo: C+

2018 Redo: C+

2021 Redo: B+

Overall Rating

Original: C+

2013 Redo: C-

2018 Redo: C

2021 Redo: B+

Well dang man. Was I in a really good mood today or something? And this is the first time I’ve ever liked JBL vs. Jericho? Really?

Here is the original if you are interested:

https://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2021/01/18/royal-rumble-count-up-2008-original-the-big-surprise/

And the 2013 Redo:

https://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2021/01/18/royal-rumble-count-up-2008-2013-redo-it-keeps-getting-better/

And the 2019 Redo:

https://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2021/01/18/royal-rumble-count-up-2008-2019-redo-thats-a-trio/

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and head over to my Amazon author page with 30 different cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

AND

Remember to check out Wrestlingrumors.net for all of your wrestling headline needs.

Royal Rumble 2007
Date: January 28, 2007
Location: AT&T Center, San Antonio, Texas
Attendance: 13,500
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, Tazz, Michael Cole, Joey Styles, John Bradshaw Layfield

This one has had an interesting build with the Royal Rumble itself only getting a quick build a the end. That being said, this is the kind of show that doesn’t really need to have anything set up for the main event to work, so it actually works for a change. We also have Batista defending the Smackdown Title against Mr. Kennedy and John Cena defending the Raw World Title against Umaga in a Last Man Standing match. Let’s get to it.

The opening video looks at the history of the Rumble itself, including some classic winners. This year’s card gets some attention of its own.

Hardys vs. MNM

Melina is here with MNM (hence why it isn’t NM or MN) and this is about revenge after Matt Hardy destroyed Joey Mercury’s nose at Armageddon. An early Mercury distraction lets Nitro get in a cheap shot on Matt and the alternating beatdown is on in the corner. Matt isn’t having any of that and comes back to bring Jeff in. Nitro kicks him down as well but it’s an atomic drop into the legdrop between the legs to give Jeff two.

Mercury tries to come in but gets suplexed down but Nitro gets in a right hand to Matt’s jaw to take over. The cravats holds Matt in place and Mercury adds a shot to the face for two. We hit the chinlock from Mercury but he misses a middle rope elbow. That’s enough to bring Jeff back in to pick up the pace, including the Whisper in the Wind for two on Nitro. A double suplex puts Nitro down to set up the legdrop/splash combo, but the raised knees put Jeff in trouble.

The waistlock holds Jeff down and a double gutbuster makes it even worse. Nitro grabs a bodyscissors with a chinlock before switching to a front facelock. Jeff manages to fight over, but, of course, the referee doesn’t see the tag (it’s amazing how consistently inconsistent these referees can be). Back up and Jeff manages the mule kick to bring Matt in for the real house cleaning. A middle rope elbow to the back of the head gets two on Nitro as everything breaks down. The Twist of Fate hits Nitro and, with Matt driving Mercury outside, the Swanton gives Jeff the pin.

Rating: B. Pretty solid tag match here and that shouldn’t be a surprise given who was in there. They didn’t do anything overly complicated or flashy here but what mattered was they did things well enough to make it work.

Teddy Long and Jonathan Coachman are in the back to keep an eye on the Royal Rumble drawings with Kelly Kelly there to turn the tumbler. Edge comes in to mock her a bit but here’s Randy Orton to say he tossed Edge over the top last week. They both draw and Orton says “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.” King Booker comes in to tell Orton to say he didn’t just say that. Eh kind of funny.

Video on Test, who lost to Bobby Lashley on ECW in a non-title match.

ECW World Title: Test vs. Bobby Lashley

Lashley is defending and this doesn’t make sense after watching ECW either. Test powers him into the corner to start so Lashley hits a spear, sending Test straight to the ropes for some safety. A t-bone suplex sends Test outside where he manages to post Lashley to take over. Back in and we hit the chickenwing, followed by an armbar to stay on the bad arm. Lashley tries to fight up for the comeback but the arm gives out on the gorilla press attempt. The TKO is countered though and an overhead belly to belly suplex sends Test flying. It’s enough to make Test walk out for the countout.

Rating: D. I’ve seen worse power matches but we just went from Lashley beating him clean on ECW to winning via countout here. I’m not sure what is next for Lashley, but this was quite the waste of time. They really can’t have Lashley pin Test twice in a week? Test has to be even remotely protected on this stage?

Lashley beats Test up again post match.

John Cena is banged up when Vince McMahon comes in to mock him for having an abdominal injury. Cena won’t vacate the title, but Vince can’t see him….as champion after tonight.

We recap Mr. Kennedy vs. Batista for the Smackdown World Title. Kennedy won a Beat The Clock Challenge to win the title shot, but he has also made Undertaker want to kill him. Kennedy has beaten a bunch of World Champions so now it’s time to become one himself.

Smackdown World Title: Batista vs. Mr. Kennedy

Kennedy is challenging and gets thrown down a few times to start. That’s broken up in a hurry as Kennedy grabs a rollup for two. Batista’s suplex gets two and it’s already time to head outside. Kennedy sends him back first into the steps but Batista is right back inside with some shots to the face. We go intelligent with Kennedy attacking the knee to slow Batista down. There’s a cannonball down onto the knee for two, setting up something like a reverse Figure Four.

The rope is grabbed and Kennedy’s nose was busted open somewhere in there. Another kick to the leg gets two and Kennedy grabs a half crab. Batista powers out and snaps off the spinebuster, only to bang up the knee even more. The Batista Bomb is countered with another shot to the knee, causing Batista to bump the referee. Kennedy hits a DDT a delayed two so frustration sets in. That’s enough for Kennedy to go up, only to get clotheslined out of the air. Now the Batista Bomb can retain the title.

Rating: C. This felt like a house show main event and that isn’t the worst thing. Kennedy is someone who is going to steal most of the wins he gets and it would be a bit much to believe that he is going to beat Batista in a straight match. The leg thing was fine and the match wasn’t bad, but it was the definition of the Royal Rumble throwaway title shot.

Batista poses for a good bit.

Ariel and Kevin Thorn think their Royal Rumble number is in the cards. The Leprechaun comes in and growls a lot while picking. Coach hopes it isn’t a small number and gets bitten n the ear. Then the Leprechaun meets Great Khali and runs off, leaving Khali to draw three numbers. Kelly picks up the two that Khali drops and Ron Simmons comes in for the joke.

We recap John Cena vs. Umaga. Cena gave him his first loss in a miracle win at New Year’s Revolution so now it’s a Last Man Standing match so Cena can’t escape with a win. Umaga crushed Cena’s ribs on Raw so Cena is very banged up coming in.

Raw World Title: John Cena vs. Umaga

Umaga, with Armando Alejandro Estrada, is challenging and this is Last Man Standing. They stare each other down to start and Cena slugs away to little avail. Instead it’s a shot to the bad ribs to put Cena down on the floor as the beating begins. Cena is sent hard into the steps and Umaga shrugs off being rammed face first into the apron. Back in and Umaga hits him with a heck of a clothesline and it’s time to bring in the steps as Cena pulls himself up.

Somehow Cena manages to pick the tosses them down onto Umaga for a nasty/scary crash. A bearhug into a belly to belly lets Umaga grab more steps, which are stood up in the corner. The running Umaga attack only hits steps though and Cena hits him in the face with the steps for a seven. Cena’s high crossbody is countered into the spinning release Rock Bottom and Umaga goes simple by sitting on his chest.

Another attempt is countered with some raised knees though and Cena plants him onto the steps for a breather. The Shuffle, with Umaga still on the steps, connects but an FU attempt collapses with both of them landing on the steps. Cena is busted open so Umaga hammers away, triggering whatever Cena calls Hulking Up. Since Umaga isn’t an 80s monster, he grabs a Samoan drop to plant Cena again. The Samoan Spike is blocked so Umaga ties him in the Tree of Woe.

The running headbutt misses though and Cena hits the top rope Fameasser. One heck of a TV monitor shot to the head gives Cena eight so he knocks Umaga outside. That’s fine with Umaga, who posts Cena hard. With Cena laid down on the ECW announcers’ table, Umaga gets a running start and splashes….well only the table actually. Umaga is back up at nine and runs Cena over again as Estrada unhooks the top rope. A charging turnbuckle shot gets countered into an FU and Cena grabs the STFU with the rope wrapped around Umaga’s throat to put him out and retain.

Rating: A-. This is a heck of a fight and an underrated Cena classic. These guys beat the fire out of each other and it was a mixture of Cena fighting with power, surviving until he had an opening and then getting smart. I liked this a lot and it’s definitely worth a look if you want to see two big, strong men fighting each other for a long time in one of the better Last Man Standing matches.

Sandman has a beer and picks one of the last two numbers. Ric Flair comes in, picks the last number, and gets hit on by Kelly Kelly. The rest of Extreme Expose comes in and dances with Flair…who leaves so the three of them can dance by themselves.

History package on the Royal Rumble.

Royal Rumble

90 second intervals with Ric Flair in at #1 (Flair was in five Rumbles and entered #1 twice, #3, #5 and #30. That is downright amazing luck) and Finlay in at #2 for a match which would only happen once in a singles match. Finlay shoulders him down to start and shrugs off some shots to the face to set up a backdrop. It’s too early to toss Flair out so he strikes away until Kenny Dykstra is in at #3. That means a double teaming on Flair but the alliance lasts all of five seconds (a long time in the Rumble) and everyone brawls again.

Matt Hardy is in at #4 to go after Dykstra before switching off to Finlay. Edge is in at #5 to pick up the pace but gets taken down in a hurry. Flair goes for some chairs for the sake of revenge but gets tossed out by Edge. Dykstra is out as well and it’s Tommy Dreamer in at #6. Matt can’t get rid of Edge and Dreamer can’t get rid of Finlay either. Sabu is in at #7 and goes for a table instead of getting inside. He finally does get in for a springboard tornado DDT to Dreamer as Gregory Helms (and his song says so) is in at #8. Helms almost eliminates Hardy and it’s Shelton Benjamin in at #9 as the ring is starting to fill up.

Hardy has to avoid being sent through the table at ringside before trying to do the same to Benjamin. Kane is in at #10 and gets rid of Dreamer and Sabu, the latter being chokeslammed through a table. With the two of them gone, we have Finlay, Hardy, Edge, Helms, Benjamin and Kane. CM Punk is in at #11 and goes after Edge to little avail thanks to a save from Finlay. King Booker is in at #12 and Helms is tossed out in a hurry. Brawling ensues and it’s Super Crazy in at #13.

Kane starts cleaning house again and Booker teases throwing Finlay out, with Finlay circling back to the middle of the ring in a smart move. Jeff Hardy is in at #14 so the Hardys get together for some shots on various people. Poetry In Motion hits Kane and it’s the Sandman in at #15. The entrance takes a good while and the cane shots about….until Booker tosses him in less than fifteen seconds. Randy Orton is in at #16 and I think we have a focal point of the match.

Rated-RKO get rid of Crazy and then toss the Hardys without much trouble. Chris Benoit is in at #17 and it’s time to German suplex a bunch of people. Rob Van Dam is in at #18 as the star power is pretty high at the moment. Van Dam kicks Booker in the face and Kane tosses him out, only to have Booker come back in and toss Kane as well. Cole: “THIS IS RIDICULOUS!” Speaking of ridiculous, Viscera is in at #19 as JBL and Cole argue about Booker coming back in to toss Kane.

Johnny Nitro is in at #20, giving us Finlay, Edge, Benjamin, Punk, Orton, Benoit, Van Dam, Viscera and Nitro. Benoit gets Benjamin about as close to out as you can but he hangs on by just part of one foot. Kevin Thorn is in at #21 and it’s more mindless brawling. Hardcore Holly is in at #22 as the ring is way too full. Everyone goes after Viscera and Shawn Michaels (the hometown boy) is in at #23 to knock Finlay out.

Everyone gets together to toss Viscera and Shawn dumps Benjamin as well. Chris Masters is in at #24 and Benoit knocks Nitro out. Chavo Guerrero is in at #25 as Benoit gets rid of Thorn. Van Dam goes up, looks around for someone to kick, and then gets back down. MVP is in at #26 and is promptly double teamed by Benoit and Michaels. Van Dam dropkicks Masters out and it’s Carlito in at #27, with Cole explaining the lucky history.

Some double teaming can’t get rid of Shawn and it’s Great Khali in at #28. Everyone gets ready for him and they are all knocked down, with only Holly being tossed. Miz is in at #29 (JBL: “Don’t worry King, I hate him too.”) and is out in about three seconds. Khali gets rid of Van Dam and Punk too, followed by Carlito and Guerrero. Shawn gets up to try Khali and is double chokeslammed down. Khali is the only one standing….and it’s the Undertaker in at #30 as the fans are WAY into it again. That leaves us with Edge, Orton, Michaels, MVP, Khali and Undertaker.

The showdown is on with Undertaker winning a slugout and clotheslining Khali out to get us down to five. Old School (one of the dumbest things you can do in the Rumble) hits MVP and he is gone too, but he hands Orton a chair to blast Undertaker. Edge teases a spear to Orton but the chair scares him off. An RKO to Shawn puts him underneath the bottom rope so it’s time to double team the busted open Undertaker. That doesn’t last long as Undertaker hits the running corner clotheslines and it’s Snake Eyes into the big boot to Edge.

Orton gets caught in the chokeslam with Edge breaking it up with a spear. Another chair shot to the head cuts Undertaker down so it’s time for the Conchairto. Shawn is back up though and backdrops Orton out, followed by a superkick to Edge to get us down to two. They’re both down so Undertaker sits up and Shawn nips up for an awesome visual as you can feel this one. Shawn hammers away in the corner but gets shoved away twice. Now it’s Undertaker’s turn to unload in the corner, setting up the upside down whip into the corner.

The big boot misses and Undertaker falls to the apron. Shawn’s running charge is cut off by an elbow and Undertaker gets back in, where Shawn catches him with a swinging neckbreaker. Cole calls them perhaps the two biggest stars in the history of WWE and I’ll ignore that one because this is pretty awesome. Undertaker lifts him out to the apron but Shawn goes up top, only to get punched in the face.

For some reason Undertaker goes up with him until Shawn knocks him back down. The top rope elbow hits Undertaker again but Sweet Chin Music is countered into a chokeslam. Shawn slips off the shoulder though and now Sweet Chin Music can connect to put both of them down. Another Sweet Chin Music is loaded up (ala how Shawn eliminated Diesel in 1996) but Undertaker ducks him to toss Shawn and win, making him the first #30 entrant to pull it off.

Rating: B-. The ending alone is enough to make this worth seeing as it’s probably the best ending ever to a Rumble. Other than that, you had a feeling where a lot of people could win and that’s one of the keys to a good Rumble. What isn’t a key to a good one is having that many people in the ring at once, which was the case multiple times here. The problem is getting to the ending, but that is some straight magic between two people who knew how to crank up the drama. You could go back and forth on the winner, but I’m a sucker for that final pairing.

Shawn looks crushed (and the fans seem to be as well) as Undertaker poses a lot to end the show.

Overall Rating: B. Much like the Rumble itself, the last part of the show (in this case the last two matches) are enough to make the show work, plus a rather good tag match and a watchable Kennedy vs. Batista match. The one part lacking is Lashley vs. Test, with all seven minutes of it being pretty bad. This was a rather good show, with a Cena vs. Umaga being an underrated classic.

 

 

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Monday Night Raw
Date: August 13, 2007
Location: Madison Square Garden, New York City, New York
Attendance: 16,827
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

It’s time to go back to the company’s home and it always feels special to be in Madison Square Garden. We are less than two weeks away from Summerslam and the John Cena vs. Randy Orton showdown, but we need something to get us through a few more shows. We’ll start with a bizarre pairing of Cena/Umaga vs. Orton/Carlito, which should make for an interesting main event. Oh and Vince McMahon might have another kid. Let’s get to it.

Here are last week’s results if you need a recap.

We open with a recap of Vince McMahon returning last week on a pretty bad night before being told that he has a paternity suit being filed against him over another McMahon child. I still remember that airing live and being intrigued.

Opening sequence.

Wrestlers from all three rosters are around the ring as Vince McMahon comes out. Vince says he has had a few dalliances over the years but he doesn’t even remember this woman. To make it worse, the woman is withholding the name of the illegitimate child, which makes this pure extortion from a woman who should have been on the pill.

We see a WHO’S YOUR BABY sign in the crowd and you know the fans are chanting that. Vince knows his family supports him and he hopes the fans will support him, because this could happen to any red blooded American male. He has been in the public spotlight for thirty years and nothing bothers him…but here is Stephanie McMahon to interrupt.

She wanted to do this in private but that can’t happen now. Stephanie claims that Vince abandoned his family, but Vince thinks she just wants her piece of the pie. She didn’t want to do this in public but she will anyway. Earlier today, she talked to the mother and has found something out: the child is a WWE star, and they’re here at ringside. Vince looks around the ring and suddenly looks rather nauseous. As Vince leaves, he has a staredown with Mr. Kennedy, which the fans seem to like. He also looks at Mark Henry, who kind of shakes his head. There’s your big angle and yeah, this is intriguing.

Bobby Lashley had shoulder surgery this week and blames Mr. Kennedy.

Mr. Kennedy vs. Sandman

I’m not sure why they went to the back instead of just staying in the ring but WWE can do some weird things at times. Kennedy works on the arm to start but Sandman swings away with left hands. It’s time to go up top but Kennedy crotches him, setting up a super snapmare. The Regal Roll gives Kennedy the fast pin.

Vince McMahon is ranting about having a wrestler for a kid to Coach, who has a plan: they can go through the entire roster and figure this out. First up, Coach needs to know when Vince became sexually active. Vince: “Well I was ALMOST a teenager.” Coach says this could be anyone on the roster, so here is Ric Flair to say WOO as Vince appears to have a headache.

Video on Randy Orton taking out Shawn Michaels.

William Regal is dressed as Simon Cowell for WWE Idol. First up, JBL and Michael Cole are here, in costume, to sing a Hall and Oates song. JBL isn’t impressed and yells, but Maria and Ron Simmons pop up for a distraction. Their date is next week, so here is Santino Marella to complain. He has a plan though: sing a song so romantic that Maria will come back to him. They leave, so Simmons gets to hear JBL and Cole sing Rich Girl. Cole asks Simmons about his favorite 80s band. Simmons: “WHAM!”

Here is Cryme Tyme and they have a special deal for us tonight: Lilian Garcia’s chair! Cryme Tyme even autographs it and get….$1000! That’s not too bad, and they get a match too.

Cryme Tyme vs. Lance Cade/Trevor Murdoch

Non-title and joined in progress with Shad in the wrong corner and getting chopped rather loudly. Some knees to the ribs set up a chinlock until Shad powers up to drive Murdoch into the corner. The hot tag brings in JTG to clean house, with a legdrop getting two. Everything breaks down and there’s a high/low to JTG…but Shad BLASTS Murdoch in the back with the chair for the DQ.

Rating: C-. They barely had enough time to make this go very far but at least they did something to make Cryme Tyme look good. The stealing/selling stuff is an idea and it fits their characters rather well. Odds are we are going to get a title match out of this sooner than later and that should make for a good pay per view showdown.

More Randy Orton, this time taking out Rob Van Dam.

HHH is back at Summerslam.

Snitsky vs. Robbie

Pumphandle slam finishes Robbie in about 20 seconds.

Post match Snitsky beats up Rory as well.

Vince McMahon talks to Coach about how he challenged himself to do it in every state, including in a corn field in Nebraska and on an iceberg in Alaska. Coach says they could do a DNA test of all the wrestlers but that would take a few weeks. Instead, they could go over his dalliances and cross reference them to know more by this weekend’s Saturday Night’s Main Event.

Cody Rhodes pops up to say he knows who his father is and gives Vince a condom, just in case. Vince tells Coach to remind him to sue Trojan’s magnum division…and here’s Boogeyman to sing Cat’s In The Cradle, which is about spending time with your father. Coach: “He does appear to have your eyes.”

And now, WWE Idol. We have a panel of judges, including William Regal, Maria (who judges host Todd Grisham because she thinks he’s a contestant) and Mick Foley (“I will do almost anything for money”). The first contestant is Jillian Hall (who has Mick’s attention), who sings her own version of Memories from Cats. Mick is glad he lost part of his ear, Maria says her singing was……well she looks really pretty! Regal: “Perhaps I should change tonight’s main event to Roe vs. Wade because that was an abortion.”

Next up is Nikolai Volkoff/the Iron Sheik (with Howard Finkel), singing the Russian National Anthem. Granted Sheik doesn’t actually sing but Maria stands up. Regal: “It’s a shame that Sheik didn’t lose his voice in this building like he lost the WWE Title!” Sheik yells about Regal joining Vince McMahon’s special club and Regal is AGHAST. He ejects Regal so here is Lilian Garcia to sing New York, New York.

Santino Marella interrupts, saying New York is missing a prostitute. He sings That’s Amore, which Foley says was almost as painful as watching Marella wrestle. Santino tells Maria that they’ve leaving but she isn’t done judging. Cue Ron Simmons to beat Santino up, which is enough music to Regal’s ears to name him the winner. This was WAY funnier than the Dating Game and Regal’s lines were amazing.

Video on Randy Orton taking out Dusty Rhodes.

Cody Rhodes vs. Charlie Haas

Shelton Benjamin is at ringside. Cody grabs a rollup for an early two but Haas snapmares him over for a kick to the back. The neck crank goes on before Haas starts going after the arm. The chinlock doesn’t last long so Haas goes with an overhead belly to belly for two instead. Another chinlock is broken up and Rhodes grabs a hot shot. Rhodes hammers away and hits a dropkick (JR: “Cody learned that from his mother!”), setting up a high crossbody for two. With that not working, Cody grabs a small package for the pin.

Rating: C-. This is the way to build Rhodes up as he needs to prove that he can get a few wins. Haas isn’t hurt by a loss, especially in a singles match, and Rhodes gets a boost. It’s such an easy and logical way to go but for some reason it seems lost on so many promotions. In other words, follow the Cody model.

It is time for King Booker’s official coronation, with Jerry Lawler having to crown him after losing to Booker last week. Booker orders Lawler to put the crown on, dropping the accent as Lawler takes too long. Lawler doesn’t like being told that Booker is the only true king, so there will be no crowning. As a bonus, he has been talking to the bosses, and Booker will be having a match at Summerslam, against this man. We see a HHH video and Booker is not happy. The fight is on and Booker CLOCKS Lawler with a TV monitor.

Post break, Lawler is being tended to by medics and Todd Grisham takes his place.

Summerslam rundown.

Randy Orton took out Sgt. Slaughter too.

Here is Randy Orton for a chat before the main event. John Cena is having the longest WWE Title reign in nearly twenty years, but Orton ends careers. He is taking the title, but he is also going to end Cena’s career for good.

Randy Orton/Carlito vs. John Cena/Umaga

It feels like they hit the Random button to set this up. Orton and Umaga start, which is kind of a weird pairing. Umaga hammers him down in the corner but misses a charge so Carlito can come in. Everything breaks down for a bit and the villains are cleared out so we can take an early break. We come back with Cena pounding on Carlito until he charges into a raised boot in the corner.

Carlito sends him outside to keep up the beating and it’s back to Orton for the dropkick. A neckbreaker gives Carlito two and we’re off to the chinlock. Cena finally powers out of trouble but Orton isn’t about to leg Umaga back in. The knee drop misses though and it’s right back to Carlito, who actually wins a slugout. Orton grabs a chinlock of his own but Cena is right back up again. A backdrop sends Carlito flying and it’s Umaga coming in to clean house. The running hip attack hits Orton and Carlito’s Backstabber completely fails. Instead, Cena comes in for the FU to finish Carlito off.

Rating: C. This was a way to sit around waiting until we got to the big tag to Umaga. There was something to be said about watching Umaga clean house, as he is the kind of screaming wrecking ball monster that you don’t get to see too often. I don’t know if it is going to last long, but at least it worked well for one night.

Vince McMahon kind of liked going over all of his indiscretions with Coach, including one time with two flight attendants on a flight to Detroit. Then Linda McMahon comes in and tells Vince he no longer has a home to end the show.

Overall Rating: C. The push towards Summerslam continues and you can see a lot of the card, but there are still some holes that need to be filled. I’m sure we’ll get some of those things covered next week, though it would have been nice to do some of them a little bit earlier. That being said, the McMahon stuff is enough to make up for some of the problems, as a big Vince story can be one of the best things WWE does. Another not great show, but Summerslam delivering could make up for a lot of these problems.

 

 

 

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