Money in the Bank is tomorrow night and while it’s going to shape a lot of things going forward, my interest is only kind of there. The card has been upgraded a bit over the last few days though so maybe there’s something in there to make me care. Let’s get to it.

Daniel Bryan is on the preshow. I don’t expect much from this but it’s always cool to see him and we might get an idea on his return date.

I’m going to go in a bit different order this time and get the obvious and unimportant matches out of the way.

Rusev beats Big E. Again. Not much to say there.

I don’t think Naomi takes the title yet but she’ll be champion someday. Paige is starting to reach the point where she could drop the belt though.

Goldust and Stardust win as there’s no way they lose this early in their run. It’s a shame that Ryback and Axel have been stuck in this feud instead of getting a title shot.

I’ll flip a coin and say Summer beats Layla. It’ll be a nice view if nothing else. Fandango is guest referee and playing Charlie Haas to Dawn Marie and Jackie Gayda.

The Wyatts take the Tag Titles so the evening isn’t a total loss for the Family. I fully expect the title change but I wouldn’t be furious if the Usos kept the belts. They’ve had a nice reign though and it’s time for a switch.

Now we get to the big ones, where things are obvious in theory but that might be the time for a surprise. I’ll go Rollins to win the briefcase and give Ambrose something to chase besides revenge. It looks like Barrett is out or else he would have been my dark horse to win. Rollins and Ambrose will have some fun moments in there.

The logical move is Cena winning the title so he can be fed to Lesnar at Summerslam, but that DVD cover could change a lot of things. WWE has this weird obsession with the idea that people won’t watch if they can predict something. I get the theory behind that, but it doesn’t hold up when you actually test it. People are going to watch Cena vs. Lesnar because they’re two huge stars and had a great match already. Knowing it’s coming a month earlier than it’s announced isn’t going to change that. Hopefully it doesn’t lead to some swerve that doesn’t make sense and isn’t necessary.

Overall Money in the Bank should be fun but it doesn’t have my interest for the most part. The ladder matches will be good but the rest of the show doesn’t do much for me. That could be because there are fifteen guys in two matches and no personal feud between most of them but why would we need anything like that? The show is usually good and it gets us closer to Summerslam so maybe it works. It doesn’t look bad and WWE ppvs have been good lately so hopefully it pulls through.

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Smackdown
Date: June 27, 2014
Location: CONSOL Energy Center, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Commentators: Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield

It’s the final show before the Money in the Bank pay per view so odds are we’re going to see various matches between the participants in the two ladder matches. The build for the show has been acceptable but nothing thrilling for the last few weeks. Then again, a good wrestling show is always entertaining. Let’s get to it.

Opening sequence.

We open with a recap of how we reached the World Title ladder match, complete with a music video.

Here are HHH, Orton and Rollins to get things going. HHH talks about all the eras we’ve seen in WWE history and says we’re currently in the Authority Era because the Authority keeps making history. One way they’re making history is by having the first Money in the Bank ladder match for the WWE Championship and to be the new face of the WWE.

But wait, there’s more. There’s also going to be a ladder match to become the new Mr. Money in the Bank. After Sunday, you’re looking at one heck of a team in front of you. Orton promises to climb the ladder and become World Champion on Sunday, meaning he’s still the face of the WWE. Rollins says he’ll win as well but says there’s a chance that Orton can’t get the job done. Orton thinks Rollins might not win either, but HHH cuts them off, saying it’s either survive against the Authority or thrive with the Authority. That brings him to Dean Ambrose, who is in for some Bad News tonight.

Bad News Barrett vs. Dean Ambrose

Non-title. They circle each other to start until Dean hits the Thesz Press and pounds Barrett out to the floor. Back in and Barrett hits a big boot to take over followed by a neckbreaker for two. Barrett hits his running boot while Ambrose is in the ropes and Dean is knocked to the floor again. We take a break and come back with Dean caught in a chinlock before he quickly fights out and nails some forearms. Barrett runs into a corner elbow but is still able to counter a tornado DDT. Ambrose escapes a pumphandle slam and hits his bouncing clothesline, setting up Dirty Deeds for the pin at 6:45.

Rating: C+. It wasn’t quite the Ziggler match on Monday but this was still better than most matches you get in WWE anymore. They’re actually having a competitive midcard again and it’s really nice to see for a change. Dean getting a clean win is a good thing, though I wish it had been against another opponent.

Post match Swagger comes out and beats up Barrett in retaliation for Barrett hitting the Bull Hammer on Main Event. Ambrose jumps Swagger and pulls out a ladder but they wind up brawling without it. Dean starts getting the better of it but Rollins comes in through the crowd and sends Dean into the steps. A curb stomp leaves Ambrose laying.

Cameron vs. Paige

Non-title. Naomi sits in on commentary. Paige runs her into the corner to start but gets caught with something resembling a Codebreaker for two. Cameron puts on a headscissors as Naomi says Cameron is always talking. A quick Paige Turner gets the pin at 1:17.

Paige and Naomi have a friendly staredown after the match but Cameron jumps the champion again, knocking her into Naomi. Naomi and Paige are about to fight but cooler heads prevail.

The Wyatts pop up on screen with Harper talking about never having nice things but the Usos have what they want. Tick tock tick tock. Bray says his brothers will trample the Usos and a ladder will be his stairway. He’ll take their ornament of power and have it all right in his hands. Imagine a nation of sheep led by a lone wolf.

Bray Wyatt vs. Sheamus

Non-title. Sheamus hammers away in the corner to start and runs Bray over with a shoulder before stopping a charging Wyatt with feet in the corner. The top rope shoulder looks to set up the forearms but Bray bails to the outside. The Family offers a distraction, allowing Bray to knock Sheamus off the apron as we take a break. Back with the Usos at ringside and Bray getting two off something we didn’t see.

Sheamus fights out of a superplex attempt but gets punched off the top rope to the floor. Back in and Bray fires off headbutts in the corner before we hit the chinlock. Sheamus comes out with a running ax handle to the face followed by the forearms. Some more ax handles set up the powerslam but Bray nails a quick splash in the corner followed by the backsplash for two. A mostly botched Irish Curse sets up a top rope knee drop but Sheamus doesn’t cover. Instead he puts on the Cloverleaf, drawing in the Family for the DQ at 8:35 shown of 12:05.

Rating: C-. Basic power brawl here with Sheamus getting in more offense than I was expecting. Bray’s chances of winning on Sunday fall further and further every week, which is a shame as he’s the most interesting guy in the match when he isn’t being jobbed out time and time again.

The Usos immediately come in and the Family is sent running.

Goldust and Stardust accept Ryback/Axel’s challenge for Sunday. Stardust shows up and talks about staring into the sun and how terrifyingly beautiful it is. He talks about other stars but knows that he’s everyone’s favorite. Cody is nailing this so far.

Rob Van Dam/Dolph Ziggler vs. Cesaro/Alberto Del Rio

Heyman is on commentary as Del Rio and Van Dam get things going. A quick monkey flip sends Del Rio flying for two and it’s off to Ziggler for the big elbow drop. Del Rio throws him down though and brings in Cesaro to work on Dolph’s arm. Back to Alberto for a kick to the arm in the corner as Heyman breaks down the strategy for Sunday: “Climb the ladder and get the titles. What a stupid question!”

Ziggler hammers away in the corner and nails a neckbreaker as Heyman turns it into an analogy about asking Hilary Clinton how she’ll become President. Cole of course gets in a jab at Hilary because that’s probably what Cole told him to say. Del Rio kicks Ziggler out to the floor and us to a break. Back with Del Rio holding Ziggler in a chinlock followed by the tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for two. Cesaro puts on a chinlock of his own as Cole and Heyman continue their amusing banter about Sunday.

Ziggler fights back and puts on a sleeper but Cesaro rams him into the buckle to escape. Dolph avoids a charge and makes the hot tag to Rob as house is cleaned. Rolling Thunder gets two on Alberto but he nails a Codebreaker to the arm. Rob avoids the corner enziguri and hits the split legged moonsault for two. Swiss Death lays Ziggler out and Rob kicks Cesaro to the floor. The Five Star hits knees though and the armbreaker gives Del Rio the submission at 10:00.

Rating: C. Totally standard and therefore fine upper midcard tag match here which did what it was supposed to do before Sunday. I doubt any of them have a chance at winning on Sunday but it’s nice to see WWE give them some lip service. Also Van Dam continues to job to anyone he can find like he should be doing.

The Usos talk very fast about keeping the titles on Sunday. They can cut some energetic promos.

Lana and Rusev do their thing in the ring, consists of standing there looking intimidating and looking great in a blue suit. You figure out which is which. The theme this week is urban decay in America, which just doesn’t happen in Russia.

Rusev vs. Sin Cara

Total squash of course with Rusev winning via the Accolde in 42 seconds.

Big E. comes out after the match and talks about how America has transformed into a nation that works hard to keep things together. A real man looks his opponent in his eye which is what Big E. does here, but Lana makes Rusev back off. I’d buy this feud a bit more if Rusev hadn’t destroyed Big E. in almost every encounter they’ve had.

We look at the Stephanie vs. Vickie angle from Raw. That’s a great sendoff for Vickie and Stephanie’s YOU’RE FIRED sounded so much like her dad’s it was eerie.

Big E. vs. Rusev and Layla vs. Summer Rae with Fandango as guest referee have been added to the MITB card.

Roman Reigns vs. Kane

Feeling out process to start until Reigns gets two off a running shoulder. A slam gets the same but Reigns lowers his head and gets caught by a running DDT for two. We take a break and come back with Reigns in a chinlock but quickly breaking out. Kane walks into a Samoan drop but he kicks Roman in the face to take over.

The side slam gets two and a frustrated Kane sends him out to the floor. He loads up the announcers’ table but Reigns drives him back first into the edge. Back inside now with Reigns nailing a clothesline followed by some headbutts. The apron kick sets up the Superman Punch but Orton comes out for the DQ at 4:52 shown of 8:22.

Rating: D+. It’s a decent power brawl but it didn’t have the chance to go anywhere. As I’ve said for a few weeks now though, Reigns is looking more like an even footing star every night and it’s getting easy to accept. Reigns beat Kane up here for a lot of the match and was never in any serious trouble. That’s a really interesting sign.

Orton takes the Superman Punch but Reigns walks into a chokeslam. Kane brings in a ladder but Orton isn’t too keen on him climbing up. Kane steps to the side as Orton looks up, allowing him to climb the ladder. JBL is putting the pieces together as Orton takes the belts down (note that they’re attacked to a kind of hanger and Orton took the hanger down, making it less likely that someone would only take one belt) and poses. Orton loads up the Punt on Reigns but gets speared. Kane takes one as well and Reigns holds up the titles to end the show.

Overall Rating: C+. This show did a much better job of what it was supposed to do as Sunday now feels a bit more interesting. On top of that, there are now three more matches on the card, which solves one of the show’s biggest problems. This was no masterpiece or anything but it was an easy way to spend two hours.

Results
Dean Ambrose b. Bad News Barrett – Dirty Deeds
Paige b. Cameron – Paige Turner
Sheamus b. Bray Wyatt via DQ when the Wyatt Family interfered
Alberto Del Rio/Cesaro b. Rob Van Dam/Dolph Ziggler – Cross armbreaker to Van Dam
Rusev b. Sin Cara – Accolade
Roman Reigns b. Kane via DQ when Randy Orton interfered

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I usually get these up on Tuesday or Wednesday but this one is on a Thursday due to me being absent minded at times. I kind of like this actually as I’ve forgotten a lot of what happened on Monday so this will be a much fresher look than usual. It’s the go home show for Money in the Bank 2014 so let’s get to it.

Stephanie opened the show and I need to get this out of the way first: she looked GREAT on Monday with the dress showing off her figure very well. She’s been playing up her sexuality just a bit lately and it really does work for her. I’m not saying she’s Trish Stratus, but she has a really pretty face and can rock a tight dress with a very expensive body.

Anyway the point of the segment was she brought out Vickie to fire her but gave Vickie one more chance: if Vickie can beat Stephanie later in the night, Vickie can keep her job. Again, Stephanie was on fire here with how evil and vindictive she was but had that slight hint of a smile and sass to it that made the whole thing that much better. Her voice when she made Vickie beg was perfect and totally fit her character.

One thing though: Vickie said she’d do it because the one name more respected in wrestling than McMahon is Guerrero. I legitimately laughed and said are you serious when I heard her say that. In what world outside of El Paso does ANYONE believe that’s true? The Guerreros were a regional/midcard act until Eddie made them a big deal in the 90s and 2000s and their reputation would be nowhere near what it is if Eddie was still alive. To suggest that the Guerreros are on the level of the Harts for example is completely ridiculous.

The Usos and Wyatts traded singles wins in matches less than two minutes each. There’s not much to say about this.

Lana and Rusev insulted some Washington DC landmarks. I’m always a fan of things that are filmed on location as you can only have so much atmosphere in an arena.

Naomi beat Alicia Fox in a glorified #1 contenders match. The notable part of the match was Cameron on commentary as the MOST ANNOYING PERSON EVER. I really hope it’s a new character for her as she was every stereotype of a reality TV “star” that you could think of rolled into one. She spent the whole match babbling about how people are talking about her and that’s all that matters. Thankfully Paige shrugged all this off and held up the title to Naomi, asking if she wanted it. Simple idea and it worked. Paige is another girl that is better looking every time I see her, especially with that smile.

Bo Dallas beat Titus O’Neil in the same match that Bo has had since he debuted. It’s still working but he needs to move forward before it goes bad.

HHH announced the entrants in the Money in the Bank briefcase ladder match which had no one out of the ordinary listed. He put Rollins over as the favorite before RVD came out to trade some insults with Seth. A match followed with Seth winning via DQ when Ambrose interfered. The thing I thought the most out of all this was how bored I am with RVD. You get the exact same match out of him every single time and it’s really hard to care about him anymore. The one good thing is he’s putting a lot of people over and the matches aren’t bad. Uninteresting but not bad.

After the match Ambrose said that he had to be put into the ladder match or he’d just wreck the whole pay per view. There’s something awesome about that but more importantly, think about Ambrose for a second. Can’t you picture him interfering in every single match and then really screwing up the ladder match just because he could? That’s a very valuable kind of character to have: one that talks a big game but you could totally picture him doing it.

After a break, Rollins asked for Ambrose to be put in the match and HHH was totally cool with it. This was slightly spoiled for two reasons. One: it was pretty freaking obvious, and two: the original graphic had one more slot than had already been filled.

Bad News Barrett beat Dolph Ziggler to retain the Intercontinental Title in a very solid match. Ziggler looked good and Barrett showed that he can go in the ring. I have zero problem with thirteen minute matches between two talented guys for the midcard title every week. Make the thing the wrestler’s title again like it was back in the golden days.

Vickie came out for her match to Eddie’s music but the match was turned into a mud pit match, meaning the first person to go into the mud would lose. Stephanie sent Alicia Fox, Rosa Mendes and Layla to do her dirty work but Vickie threw all of them into the mud instead. Stephanie hit her in the back to send Vickie into the mud, then did a PERFECT imitation of Vince to fire her. She followed it up with a very appealing little dance while singing the goodbye song, only to realize that Vickie had nothing left to lose. Stephanie went into the mud and Vickie did Eddie’s shimmy to leave on a high note. This was the perfect way for her to go out and I smiled way more than I expected to.

Stardust sang When You Wish Upon A Star, prompting Goldust to say he’s the normal one now. Another funny bit.

Jack Swagger beat Kofi Kingston in a warmup match for the ladder match. Nothing to see here and no one buys either having a chance at winning the briefcase either.

Alberto gave one of the best promos of his WWE career when he talked about his success in Money in the Bank. Cesaro came in and stared him down while Heyman did the talking. Better than expected here.

Big E. beat up Damien Sandow as Abraham Lincoln as the stupid gimmick continues. Post match Big E. imitated a black preacher while talking about how amazing America was…..only to be laid out by Rusev. Again.

Cena did a Cena promo about Sunday.

The main event was another 4-3 handicap match and was basically the same match from Smackdown, meaning it wasn’t anything great but served its purpose.

Post match Kane was added as the eighth man to the ladder match but got laid out by Reigns to end the show.

This was an interesting week for Raw as some of the stuff was good but nothing on it was required viewing. After three hours, I had the same interest in the pay per view that I had going in and nothing made me want to watch on Sunday any more than I already did. The show wasn’t bad, but it didn’t need to exist for the most part. Stephanie in that dress was a very nice touch though.

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King of the Ring 2000
Date: June 25, 2000
Location: Fleet Center, Boston, Massachusetts
Attendance: 17,651
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

Thirty two people. That’s how many are in this year’s tournament. They’ve widdled it down to eight for this, but DANG man, 32 initially in it? Anyway, the Radicals being here is probably the biggest change to things. Angle and Jericho are here as well, so the roster has certainly changed a lot. WCW is just waiting to be put out of its misery as no one is watching and fewer people care.

This is a decent bad looking card though as there’s the tournament, a four team elimination match and the main event is a six man tag where the belt is on the line. HHH won it the previous month at Judgment Day where Taker returned as the biker. There’s not a lot going on here other than that, so let’s get to it.

We get a quick recap of the tournament history which is always a cool thing. Other than that we have a thing on the title with HHH saying the belt is the most important thing in his life. I think that would actually be Stephanie who wouldn’t have the title without him. Ok that’s nonsense but I have to say it at least once a year by law. Here are your brackets:

Kurt Angle
Chris Jericho

Crash Holly
Bull Buchanan

Rikishi
Chris Benoit

Val Venis
Eddie Guerrero

That doesn’t sound half bad.

KOTR Quarterfinals: Rikishi vs. Chris Benoit

Rikishi just won the IC Title from Benoit as his completely unexplainable push continues before he was made top heel in the fall which failed worse than a flimsy bra on Trish Stratus. Benoit beat him up after the match so he might be a bit hurt. The Canadian beat Road Dogg and X-Pac while Dusty Rhodes’ partner in the fat that ate Cleveland beat Shane McMahon and Scotty Too Hotty. Benoit manages to suplex Rikishi which is rather impressive.

There’s a Chris Benoit sign that says this isn’t a Chris Benoit sign. I hate stupid fans. The Crossface is hooked but the fat man thinks the ropes are Twizzlers and grabs them, hoping to eat them. And then Benoit gets a chair and beats on Rikishi with it, ending this very quickly thank goodness. Another Crossface follows and referees break it up. Benoit goes up and splits them all up with a headbutt and puts the hold on Rikishi again, much to my delight.

Rating: C+. In a match that goes three minutes or so and most of it is Rikishi being hurt, I’m certainly happy. There wasn’t much here but it got through some time I guess. The whole thing here though is that the fat man got hurt so I’m happy.

Linda says she’s going to have to do something drastic.

The heels say that they should be worried about Linda but Vince isn’t worried at all.

We get a replay of Rikishi being beaten. I love this.

Benoit says he’s the best and no one can stop him.

KOTR Quarterfinals: Val Venis vs. Eddie Guerrero

Chyna looks great, but Trish looks better. This should be fine I guess. Venis hurt Eddie on Smackdown even though he looks fine here. Trish more or less wears a one piece swimsuit and a coat so I’m happy. Val beat Al Snow and Jeff Hardy while Eddie beat Matt Hardy and Chyna. Eddie has just gotten back from his arm injury that he got in one of his first matches in the company.

This is definitely picking the pace up a lot which is a major help. Eddie was just such a wreck in real life at this point and he was about to crack. The RTC was about to start as well to give Val something to do. Eddie starts working on the back to add some mild psychology here. And now Val works on Eddie’s back, which is just weird for some reason.

The Money Shot hits nothing but knees and there’s part of a joke in there somewhere. Val is definitely a heel here but it’s not saying much. After the women get involved, Val wins with a nice fisherman’s suplex. That was rather pointless.

Rating: C-. This just wasn’t that good. Val and Eddie are both good workers but this just failed for the most part. It was like they were searching for a story but they couldn’t find one no matter how hard they tried. The ending part was a big improvement but it still wasn’t much at all.

Patterson, who is fighting Brisco later on in a lingire match for the hardcore title, says that none of the dresses he has available make him look sexy enough. You can’t make stuff like this up.

Rikishi says he’s going to beat Val. I really hate him.

KOTR Quarter Finals: Crash Holly vs. Bull Buchanan

Please…make it quick. Crash beat Albert and Hardcore Holly while Bull beat Blackman and Saturn. Was anyone not in this tournament? Crash has the scale thing here because that was such a great gimmick. It kept him employed if nothing else I guess. He’s doing the Cinderella story thing here. We see a clip of Brisco and Patterson stealing the Hardcore title from Crash on Raw.

Buchanan just couldn’t be blander if his life depended on it. He’s getting into Tomko levels here. The crowd busts out the boring chant and I can’t blame them a bit. It’s weak but it’s the longest I’ve ever heard. The coronation is tomorrow night apparently, since obviously we can’t hold it here because…well we just can’t I guess. A rollup for Crash gets two. Buchanan misses an axe kick and Crash rolls him up for the pin. Thank goodness the referee did a fast count for the most part.

Rating: D. This was just a waste of time. The fans got the chant exactly right. They have Benoit go out in the first round so we get this? I know the company was on freaking fire at the moment but geez, they couldn’t have gotten this one more wrong.

Linda is in her office when Vince comes in and lists off everything she’s done to tick him off over the years. She’s done a lot actually, but dang she can’t act to save her life. This is the weirdest marriage of all time.

KOTR Quarter Finals: Kurt Angle vs. Chris Jericho

Jericho beat Bradshaw and Bubba while Jericho beat Test and Edge in a series of Canadian violence. Angle runs down Boston’s sports teams before the match, which is ironic as about two years ago it was the greatest sports town in the world. Jericho is of course wildly over. This is one of those matches that it’s just hard to mess up. He uses the Kirk Angel line that never gets old for some reason.

Can we have a two hour show of these two just insulting each other? It would be better than most wrestling shows. He implies Angle is a virgin, which is funny considering what his wife looked like. About a minute into the match Jericho hits the Lionsault and Long has to count really slowly because Angle misses his cue to put his foot on the bottom rope.

Angle has a ton of fans here and I can’t blame them as he was just epic at this point as he played his character perfectly and could back it up in the ring. Angle has to use the ropes to get out of another pin. Long’s counting is annoying the heck out of me. It’s worse than the blonde guy in WWE now.

Jericho gets out of the Angle Slam and hooks the Walls but Stephanie is here to distract the referee while Angle is tapping. Stephanie accidently pops Angle with her women’s title and she gets kissed by Jericho. It does however allow Angle to hook the slam for the pin.

Rating: B. Again, hard to mess this one up. It’s about ten minutes and it worked fine. These guys had undeniable chemistry together and it showed here. It lasted a good enough time to make it work and the workrate was all there, so what more can you ask for? We definitely needed Crash and Bull in the first round instead of Jericho and Angle beating one of them each right?

Updated brackets:

Kurt Angle
Crash Holly

Rikishi
Eddie Guerrero

Shane is mad at Vince for getting the interference barred from the main event. The way the match works tonight is that if any face gets the pin then they’re world champion and if HHH’s team wins, he faces the winner of the tournament.

Mick Foley is at WWF New York, which is still the coolest thing ever. Ivory is the bartender and Foley has a huge haircut. We can barely hear Foley over the fans chanting for Foley and Ivory. Foley doesn’t remember the 98 Cell match but he likes Angle apparently. That’s most odd.

Tag Titles: Edge/Christian vs. Too Cool vs. Hardys vs. Too Cool

The champions, Too Cool (just take me now) are out last. Edge and Christian do the 5 second pose which is of Buckner and the Mets in 86. Lita and Trish look amazing. For some reason Too Cool is popular which I’ll never understand for the life of me. What was cool about them? Scotty’s belt is on upside down. This is elimianton rules by the way so it’s kind of like three matches in one which isn’t bad at all. Jeff has the rainbow hair now and starts with Albert.

Jeff is put in a gorilla press but flips out of it and hits a dropkick in a sweet little sequence. He and Matt beat on Albert. They really were a great team. Matt and Jeff keep getting out of the power moves from T&A as Lita and Trish get into it in foreshadowing of their epic future rivalry. The redhead is in the ring for no apparent reason and gets a nice cheer, and it allows Matt to pin Test after a Swanton.

It’s Jeff and Scotty now, who is apparently happy that he managed to get dressed all by himself this morning. Now let’s stop to dance a bit. They’re going really fast out there for no apparent reason. Jeff and Edge, who would eventually main event PPVs which I don’t think anyone really expected, go at it in what is of course a solid encounter. Lita, pink thong flying, throws a hurricanrana to get two on Edge for Jeff.

She’s still kind of annoying despite being hot. Everyone goes for or hit their finishers, resulting in Christian putting Matt out. Oh apparently Too Cool is still here. They had nothing at all to do with that so no one even remembered they were there. We just had to have Too Cool as champions too because we couldn’t let Edge and Christian and the Hardys go out there and just show off or anything good like that right?

Naturally Too Cool is just doing comedy stuff because it’s all they’re capable of. After a few minutes of Scotty getting beaten on, we get the epicness, yes EPICNESS I say of the hot tag to Grandmaster. It’s a comedy match for the most opart here for the tag titles. Too Cool seem like the guys that don’t realize they’re champions and couldn’t care less if they lost them.

Edge and Christian start a double worm but Scotty, despite being late and causing Christian to not know what he’s supposed to do, makes the stop. He does the worm, which of course takes about 30 seconds to do the whole thing, making it completely stupid. The champions hit a Trash Compactor but the referee is busy so Christian gets a shot with the belt to get the belts again.

Rating: C. This is the epitome of average. It’s not good, it’s not bad, it’s just there. It’s about 15 minutes long or five minutes per elimination and Too Cool lost the belts to edge and Christian. That’s all there is to it. It’s not bad or great, but perfectly average, meaning it’s not really a good sign but Too Cool aren’t the champions anymore so I’m happy.

Crash says Angle is in trouble.

We get to see Benoit beat up Rikishi again, making my heart go all aflutter.

KOTR Semi-Finals: Rikishi vs. Val Venis

These two would fight again at Fully Loaded in the cage splash match that I’ve previously reviewed. They have been feuding for awhile here so at least there’s something to go on here, which I think is what the plan was which I really like, as it helps things out a lot here at the show. We start on the floor and it’s just a brawl at this point. Ah there we go we’re in the ring now.

Why can’t we do that with Val, who has a decent one? Rikishi’s arm is still hurt from earlier. We get the odd sight of Rikishi throwing left hands. Val goes up for the splash but gets crotched, allowing Rikishi to hit a belly to belly to win. Post match he tries to hit the hip drop on Trish but Val hits him with the stairs and a chair. What lucky star did I wake up under?

Rating: C+. Everything on this show is average. There’s just nothing appealing here at all and it’s just not working for me. This was again about three minutes long and even more proof as to why we don’t need to do the final three rounds on the PPV as there’s just too much going on here.

To continue this review, please press eject and turn the tape over.

Brisco is with Coach and cuts this very serious promo that is very funny, which I think was the point. He doesn’t say if he wants regular panties or crotchless. I just got done with Starrcade 83 and saw he and his brother have a great match with Steamboat and Youngblood, and now this. I love wrestling.

KOTR Semi-Finals: Crash Holly vs. Kurt Angle

Hmm, I wonder who is going to win here. I love that under Angle’s name it says American Hero. There’s something very funny about that. This is pretty crisp actually and it’s not bad at all. Crash shouting screw you at the referee is funny for some reason. It’s a shame that Crash had such a comedy based gimmick that he never got the change to show what he was capable of. The same goes for Al Snow.

We get an XFL reference and we need the death music already. Crash isn’t backing down, I’ll give him that. He hits a missile dropkick and the fans are buying into this. Out of nowhere off a hot shot, Angle hits the slam to end it. This was only four minutes, but it felt like a lot longer, and I mean that in a good way.

Rating: B. I really liked this match. It was very fast paced and they fit a lot into the little time they had. Like I said, it’s a shame that Crash had the comedy gimmick and couldn’t get a chance to showcase himself as he’s not that bad at all in the ring. I liked this.

King says that King Rikishi isn’t something you can even pronounce.

We get a clip of a show last night in MSG where Trump was there. He must be a legit. That’s saying a lot, and he’s a Rock fan.

Cole is in the back with Kane who can now talk sans voice box, which I think has been the case for a long time here.

Taker all of a sudden can talk fine as well and says he’ll win the title.

We recap the evening gown match that’s coming up. Brisco won the title from Crash on Raw and Patterson broke a champagne bottle over his head and pinned him. He threw in a suck it and crotch chop and I begin to wonder about these two. Patterson, scared to death of losing the title, wore drag and hid in the women’s locker room.

Brisco wanted to get in there to pin him, so he put on a dress that he just happened to have laying around I guess. It resulted in them throwing makeup at each other. Vince came up, stunned, and said there would be an evening gown match tonight.

Hardcore Title: Pat Patterson vs. Gerald Brisco

They’re wearing wigs too. Gerald comes out to Real American which HAS to be a rib on Hogan. Brisco comes out with a 2×4. Patterson comes out to showgirl music with a shopping cart of toilet paper and other stupid stuff. He’s wearing a bra too and throws candy out of it. This is hilarious for some perverse reason. We get the line of him doing rear end work at the body shop.

For those of you not getting my constant jokes, the worst kept secret in wrestling history is that Patterson is gay. Patterson is wearing sneakers and Brisco is wearing heels. Oh and Patterson has sunglasses on. Patterson offers to lay down, prompting even more jokes, even though you win by ripping the clothes off I thought. And Patterson has a banana which I don’t think Ross realized at first.

The line of OH it’s a BANANA was hilarious as all goodness. Patterson reaches under his dress and pulls out a tampon to shove in his face. The red panties are smacked by Brisco with a low blow. And we get a Bronco Buster. Ok the joke is over now. And thankfully Crash comes down with a referee and a trash can. After ripping Brisco’s clothes off, he hits Patterson with the can to get the title to a massive pop. This just became disturbing near the end.

Rating: O, as in oh what do you think the grade here is?

We see the Dudleys bringing a table with Tori’s name on it. At Judgment Day, they had tried to put her through a table but didn’t get to so Bubba is now in a trance until he can do it. Tori put Bubba through one and then DX put them in a dumpster and threw them off the stage. That leads us here.

Tori/Road Dogg/X-Pac vs. Dudleys

This is a handicap, table dumpster match. You win by putting the other in or through the respective item. Tori is badly hurt here and would more or less be gone after this. It’s a shame too as she was freaking sexy. DX comes out to a Run DMC song, as there was a rap album of themes coming out. Since this is such a violent match, we have tags just in case.

The Dudleys were revolutionizing tag wrestling as no one knew what to make of them. They breathed new life into the place and they had hooked up with Edge and Christian and the Hardys a few months prior for the triple threat ladder match which set the world on fire for awhile. We’re at about 8 crotch chops after maybe a minute and a half. Again, what’s the point of it being no DQ if you have to tag? Scratch that, reverse it.

In a funny spot, D-Von does the What’s Up on Tori and then stays there. Can’t say I blame him. It was clear that the Dudleys would be faces very soon and the fans want tables. DX get the lid shut with them in the dumpster but the referee is with Tori. They escape but DX don’t notice it. Yeah the Dudleys are faces here. It’s odd to think of DX as heels I think. The successful team here sets up two tables on the floor and puts steps in the ring.

Road Dogg takes a sweet bump over the ropes through both tables in a powerbomb. I don’t think this is elimination rules but Dogg is out for the most part. Tori is holding her crotch which is just odd looking. Being he genius that she is, she gets in the ring with X-Pac being put through a table.

She dives into the dumpster but two chair shots put the Dudleys in the dumpster for the win. Both of them get a 3D and you know what’s coming. Tori is powerbombed out of the company. I think Tori’s arm got hurt in the dumpster. Something is clearly not right with it. Bubba’s trance is always funny.

Rating: C+. Again, just an average brawl. I’m getting tired of this show being nothing but average and men in women’s clothing. It’s just not interesting at all and it’s going by fast enough, but I haven’t been interested all night long and that’s never a good thing.

Angle says he’ll win and we get to see Rikishi get beaten up again. The fat man says he’s going to win and sounds very stupid.

We get the same video package we got at the beginning of the show.

KOTR Finals: Rikishi vs. Kurt Angle

The fans are burned out on these guys as you would expect them to be. We start on the floor of course. The stink face is blocked thank goodness. This could be on any Raw or Smackdown, which doesn’t say much to me. The one arm thing doesn’t make a lot of sense but it’s something I guess. Angle gets the stink face of course because that’s just so cool of a move right? Angle slam gets two.

Rikishi makes the comeback, including a freaking diamond cutter of all things, but takes a belly to belly off the second rope that I think was supposed to look a lot better than it did but the powers of the fat trump the powers of America and it’s just ok. That gives the crown to Kurt, and of course the ceremony’s tomorrow night, since that makes SO much freaking sense right? This reminded me of Razor vs. Owen in 94.

There was just NO FREAKING WAY Owen could lose it and it killed any heat the match had. Also, you have Jericho, Guerrero and Benoit available to be in the finals vs. Angle, yet the 400lb Samoan in a thong gets the spot? See what I mean when I say Vince doesn’t get it a lot of the time?

Rating: D+. This was exactly what you would expect these two to do, but it just wasn’t entertaining at all. Rikishi simply wasn’t any good and that was the problem. The size never worked at all as no one, not even greats like Austin or Angle could do anything with him because of the freaking size. It cut Kurt, a power guy, off here too and that’s just not a good thing whatsoever.

The heels have a short thing where Vince has gotten on the others’ nerves.

Rock is in USA Today, as apparently the WWF was big enough to warrant a comparison to baseball by a national paper. Wrestling was HUGE at this time.

WWF Title: HHH/Vince McMahon/Shane McMahon vs. Rock/Kane/Undertaker

Yeah those sides are fair. Like mentioned earlier, if HHH or either McMahon is pinned, HHH loses the title to whoever gets the pin. If HHH’s team wins, HHH fights Angle. There’s no explanation of how this came about but HHH was feuding with Rock and Taker showed up to get at Vince and Shane was with Vince and Kane was just there for the sake of being there. All of the faces get their own entrances. Shane is a pussy apparently.

The pussy starts with Kane. And that’s more or less the high point. This match goes on nearly TWENTY MINUTES and I stopped caring after about two. It’s just filling in the time the whole way rather than anything actually of note going on. The faces keep fighting amongst themselves while the heels keep getting in a few shots here and there. One major problem here is that they never actually explain why Take hates Vince.

Now if you followed wrestling well enough around this time, it’s not that hard to figure out, but good night man, give us something at least. The match just goes on and on and it’s boring as any and all goodness. We get that the faces don’t get along. You don’t need to remind us a dozen times per minute. Everyone beats on everyone as we’re in the orgy mode here. Nothing of note happens as it’s all just one big mess as everyone beats on everyone with no particular rhyme or reason.

FINALLY we get to the point as most everyone goes outside and given the amount of time left we know that someone is going to get a pinfalll soon and end this. Since Vince is alone in the ring, I’m willing to bet that it’s him. And yep, there’s a Rock Bottom and a new champion to celebrate. And yep that’s all there is.

Rating: D-. Oy thank goodness this is over. No one cared about the thing but since we had seen Rock vs. HHH a half dozen times they needed to shift things, and since there’s some law against Kane getting a title shot on PPV, this is what we got instead. It was a weird idea and seriously, did anyone thing there wouldn’t be a new champion? I’m just glad this is over.

Overall Rating: D. And that’s being VERY generous. There is nothing at all worth watching on here. Jericho and Angle have done the same thing about ten times better at least a dozen times. Crash Holly of all people might be the most interesting person on this. That’s just absurd.

The matches were pointless, the title change was one of about five that summer, and the whole thing just plodded along. Angle was a given once we got down to four, and that ruins the rest of the tournament matches. Stay away from this one as well. The next one is much better though, so that’s better than nothing.

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Monday Night Raw
Date: June 16, 2014
Location: Quicken Loans Arena, Cleveland, Ohio
Commentators: Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield, Jerry Lawler

We’re in Cleveland tonight and the main story continues to be Shield vs. HHH/Orton/Rollins, which doesn’t seem to be Evolution anymore. Other than that we’re getting ready for Money in the Bank with two spots left in the World Title ladder match. John Cena is still without a match for the show, so you can probably pencil him in for a qualifying match at some point this week. Let’s get to it.

First off on a personal note, Happy Birthday Mom.

We open with the roster on the stage and the Authority walking through them to get to the ring. Stephanie knows how hard it is for the fans to not have a WE Champion because the title means so much. Look at her husband, the greatest of all time for proof of how it can immortalize people. Bryan has proven that he’s a B+ player because he didn’t have the heart to defend the title.

This brings HHH to the roster on the stage, because the next WWE Champion might be standing up there right now. Stephanie says tonight is about opportunity because someone will join the Money in the Bank match. Everyone up there will be in a battle royal, minus the Shield because they’ve refused to evolve. Also, John Cena won’t be in the match for reasons not specified. HHH knows Cena loves to help people, so tonight Cena can help the Authority. Tonight Cena gets his own chance to qualify for Money in the Bank, in a stretcher match against Kane.

Comedian Kevin Hart is guest host tonight.

Seth Rollins vs. Dolph Ziggler

I think we had a miscue before the break as Kane came out and is nowhere to be seen now. Rollins has some new music and is back in something similar to his Shield attire, though it’s a plain black sleveless top instead of a vest. The hometown boy runs Seth over to start but Rollins slaps him in the back of the head a few times. Ziggler hiptosses him down and out to the floor for a breather. Back in and Rollins puts on a headlock before whipping Ziggler hard into the corner as we take a break.

We come back with Seth getting two off something we didn’t see before putting on a chinlock. Ziggler escapes and heads to the floor where he blocks a suicide dive. Back in and Rollins hits a quick enziguri but misses the curb stomp, allowing Ziggler to nail the jumping DDT for two. Ziggler hammers away and gets two off a sunset flip before putting on the sleeper. Seth is quicky out but the Fameasser gets two for Dolph. Not that it matters as Rollins hits two straight buckle bombs followed by the curb stomp, but Ambrose runs in for the DQ at 11:06.

Rating: C+. This was getting going but the DQ ending makes sense in this case. Ambrose not coming out there when he knew where Rollins was wouldn’t have made sense so the ending is as logical as you can get. You knew Ziggler wasn’t going to go over Rollins at this point, so there isn’t much to complain about.

Ambrose erupts on Rollins but Seth bails to the floor. Dean tells him to get down here for his beating, but HHH pops up on screen and says he has some bad news for Ambrose.

Bad News Barrett vs. Dean Ambrose

This is joined in progress after a break with Dean, in street clothes, hitting a cross body and hammering away on Barrett. I’m assuming this is non-title. A snap suplex gets two on Barrett and we hit the face rip. Barrett comes back with a knee to the ribs and puts on a chinlock, complete with an angry look on his face. Bad News hammers away in the corner but Dean runs him over and fires off right hands of his own to knock Barrett outside. A big dive takes him down again but Barrett takes him inside and clotheslines Dean off the top rope to mess up Ambrose’s bad shoulder again. We take a break with the referee looking at Dean.

Back with both guys still on the floor and Barrett ramming the bad arm into the apron. They head back inside for more arm work until Dean makes a comeback with his good arm. Some right hands have Barrett staggered but he runs into Winds of Change for two. Wasteland is countered into a crucifix but Dean does his bounds off the ropes clothesline to drop Barrett. Dean is feeling the crowd because he’s an awesome face, but Rollins is on the announce table again. The distraction doesn’t work as Barrett is sent to the floor, setting up a double suicide dive from Ambrose. Dean follows Seth into the crowd for the countout at 11:55.

Rating: B-. Nice match here but more importantly Dean is FEELING IT as a face. The guy is just flat out talented and has the awesome visuals that you need to be a star. This feud is starting to make me think of HHH vs. Rock in 1998 and that feud launched both guys into the main event for the rest of their careers. That’s a very, very good sign.

Vickie Guerrero is bringing coffee to the Authority. She runs into Roman Reigns and suggests sugar. Vickie leaves the coffee there and Reigns spikes it with her gone. She sneezes again because that’s her thing now. And people wonder why the writers are mocked.

Here are the Wyatts with something to say. The ladder is set up in the middle of the ring. The cell phones for Wyatt’s entrance make for an awesome visual. Before the match Bray talks about how without power, we’re all just little mice running from the lions in the jungle. Power can be addicting because we all need and crave it. Power will be our downfall though because a powerful is to be respected, but a weak man is less valuable than the dirt he crawls through.

Bray’s game is power and that title is all the power he needs. He wants us to look at Harper and Rowan and judge them as you will. Judge them as you want, because at Money in the Bank, they’re taking the Tag Team Titles from the Usos. Bray crawls under the ladder and says at Money in the Bank, he’ll claim his power and his title. Sheamus interrupts and offers to put his boot down Bray’s throat because it’s time to fight.

Bray Wyatt vs. Sheamus

It’s a brawl to start with both guys getting in their own big shots to the head. Bray takes him down and slugs away with Sheamus in early trouble. Back up and Bray’s suplex is slam is blocked into a suplex from the ticked off pale one. Now it’s his turn to hammer away on Wyatt before dropping him with a running forearm. A middle rope forearm staggers Bray and the fight goes out to the floor. The Family is about to get involved but the Usos come out to even things up as we go to a break.

Back with Sheamus fighting out of a chinlock to continue the brawl before Bray hits the running crossbody for two. Sheamus hits the forearms on the apron but Bray counters White Noise. A powerslam puts Bray down and it’s Brogue Kick time but the Family interferes for the DQ at 11:16.

Rating: C+. This was the Sheamus Special: put him in there with another power brawler and let them beat each other up for awhile. Bray is looking like a step above a dark horse for the title match and I’d love to see him get the title just to see where things go from there. Nice match here and it’s nice to see no one win in a match where both guys should look strong.

Post match the Usos and Sheamus clean house, including using the ladder as a ramp to dive on the Wyatts. Sheamus throws the ladder at the Family’s head and Rowan looked to take it full on in the face.

HHH accidentally knocks his coffee into Vickie’s face. Stephanie gets hers and says it’s good.

After the break, Stephanie is still drinking coffee and talking about how it’s every man for himself when her stomach gets upset. Because her drink is spiked and she needs a bathroom you see, because that’s what a violent and angry man like Roman Reigns does. Paul Heyman comes in to take Stephanie’s interview time and asks about who could win Money in the Bank. He says it’s going to be Cesaro and that’s a spoiler.

Rusev vs. Heath Slater

This time Lana’s speech takes place in the ring. She thinks American men should be ashamed because Rusev keeps running through them and they’re nothing compared to Vladimir Putin. We get a picture of a Russian Mount Rushmore and Rusev can apparently speak English, saying that resistance if futile. Slater actually gets to talk and asks why Lana and Rusev don’t go back to Russia if they love it so much. He’s now the American Rock Star. Heath sactually slugs away to start but runs into a right hand and the jumping superkick. Accolade ends this in 34 seconds.

Vickie is sent in to check on the sick Stephanie and gets vomited on. Vickie is put in charge while the Authority leaves. Screaming ensues. This made me groan out loud.

Reigns goes to see Vickie, who hasn’t cleaned up because, as we learned from Layla last week, showers don’t exist at WWE. Roman says she’ll get fired next week and asks to be put in the battle royal to screw with the Authority. “Fine. YOU’RE IN!” The fans seem very pleased with this.

We get a clip of Kevin Hart’s new movie Think Like A Man Too.

Kevin Hart is talking about the movie when Adam Rose and the Exotic Experience comes in. Rose plugs the movie and says Hart should be a Rosebud. Hart has no idea what he just said but says no. Kevin wants to know why they’re all singing at him and that’s about it.

Adam Rose/Summer Rae vs. Fandango/Layla

Kevin Hart is on commentary. Cole tries to explain why the girls have poured milk and kitty litter on each other and it sounds so ridiculous when you put it into words. The guys get things started as Kevin makes fun of their clothes. Layla tags herself in and we get a catfight but Layla quickly tags out. Summer chases her up the aisle and Rose hits the Party Foul for the pin at 1:25.

Hart joins the Express post match.

Money in the Bank Qualifying Match: Battle Royal

Titus O’Neil, Damien Sandow, Bo Dallas, Jack Swagger, Diego, Fernando, Curtis Axel, Fandango, Dolph Ziggler, Rusev, Ryback, Sin Cara, Santino Marella, Kofi Kingston, Big E., Roman Reigns, Rob Van Dam, Bad News Barrett, Xavier Woods

Those are all the people on the graphic so there’s a chance I missed a few. Damien is LeBron James because why not. Not that it matters as everyone gets together to put him out ten seconds in. Bo throws Santino out and Rusev does the same thing to both Matadores. Woods gets the same treatment from Rusev and everyone brawls for awhile.

Ziggler is sent to the apron and Reigns eliminates Titus. Swagger puts Sin Cara on the apron before catapulting him out. Kofi can’t get Swagger out and Big E. can’t get rid of Axel. Rusev gets Ziggler to the apron but a kick to the head saves Dolph. Kofi finally gets Swagger out and we take a break. Back with Rusev, Reigns, RVD, Ryback, Ziggler, Fandango, Dallas, Big E., Axel and Barrett still in, meaning Kofi (via Ryback) was the only elimination during the break. Speaking of eliminations, Ryback punches Ziggler out to the floor for his second straight elimination.

Reigns starts cleaning house and even takes Rusev down with a Superman Punch but can’t take care of Ryback that easily. Roman sends Fandango to the apron but has to spear Ryback and Axel down. A kick to the head puts Fandango out and Rusev kicks Reigns in the chest. Big E. dumps Ryback and Reigns throws out Axel. Another kick puts Roman down but Van Dam kicks Rusev in the face. Van Dam and Dallas start fighting but Barrett takes Rob down with a big boot.

Rob comes back with more kicks but Bo shoves him off the corner for a surprise elimination. That could be Bo’s first big feud. Barrett lays out a celebrating Bo and throws him to the apron but Bo hangs on. Nice little call back to the Rumble from a few years ago. Reigns dumps Barrett and Dallas knocks out Big E., but walks into the spear. Dallas is dumped and we’re down to Rusev vs. Roman.

The fans are WAY into this and the slugout is on. Reigns gets the early advantage but walks into a wicked spinwheel kick. They trade running charges in the corner and Reigns puts him on the apron. Some big right hands can’t get rid of the Russian but the Superman Punch sends Reigns to Money in the Bank and the crowd is VERY happy.

Rating: B. I was doubting Reigns for awhile but he’s coming off like a STAR at this point, just like Ambrose. This was a really solid battle royal as there were some good saves and the last bit of the match was really solid stuff. The last pairing is how you should do big matches: take two guys who look unbeatable and have them fight. Notice the reaction and you’ll see why that’s an idea.

John Cena holds up five fingers and knocks down a finger at a time to explain why he should go to Money in the Bank. All that’s left is his index finger, because him being WWE Champion is what’s best for business. Various unfunny references to Stephanie and Vickie were included.

Cameron vs. Paige

Non-title. There’s some story here about Cameron slapping Paige on social media. Paige gets all ticked off to start and throws Cameron around by the hair before driving in some headbutts. Cameron bails to the floor but comes back in with a kick to the ribs and another slap for two. Paige shrugs it off and nails some clotheslines followed by the PTO for the submission at 3:30.

Rating: D. Total snack time match here, but it showed one thing: Cameron is there because she’s annoying on a badly scripted reality show and how she looks in shorts. She couldn’t do even basic stuff competently in there and Paige was carrying everything she could for the match. Nothing to see here and Paige needs better help.

We recap the Rhodes Brothers’ issues. Tonight Cody has found the perfect partner for Goldust. Goldust has met him and says the partner is super and galactic.

Ryback/Curtis Axel vs. Goldust/???

And it’s Cody Rhodes in Goldust paint under the name Star Dust, despite Cody saying it wouldn’t be him last week. The Dusts jump Ryback and Axel to start with Cody hitting a quick DDT on Axel. Ryback is sent to the floor and Cody nails a springboard elbow to Curtis’ head. Something resembling Diamond Dust (ending in a cutter instead of a Stunner) ends Axel at 1:00.

Stephanie helped host the Special Olympics to give her a new charity to work with.

Money in the Bank Qualifying Match: John Cena vs. Kane

Stretcher match which is taking place because Cena is replacing Bryan due to injury. Kane easily takes him down to start and stomps away before taking him down to the floor. Cena is quickly off the stretcher and rams it into Kane’s ribs a few times to take over. A hard whip sends Cena into the steps and another puts him into the post to give the monster control again. John is put on the stretcher but gets off before they get too far up the ramp.

Back from a break with Kane still in control but Cena sends him into a chair. Cena goes up, only to jump into a chokeslam. That doesn’t mean much in a stretcher match though so Kane brings in the steps. John dropkicks the leg out though and Kane’s head slams into the steel. An AA off the steps is countered into a DDT but Cena is still dead weight. Kane can only get the stretcher partially up the ramp before Cena fights back and sends him into the post.

Kane whips Cena into the barricade and loads up the table but gets caught in an AA through said table to put the monster down. He’s still a long way from the stretcher though so Cena wisely puts him in a fireman’s carry. Cena gets him to the stretcher but collapses before he can get Kane on it. Cena finds another stretcher from ringside and gets Kane on it but here are Orton and Rollins to put Cena back in the ring. Why they didn’t put him on a stretcher is beyond me.

An RKO lays Cena out in the ring but Ambrose hits the ring to save Cena from a chair shot. Kane is back up though with a chokeslam to Ambrose, leaving us with the people in the match. Cena low bridges Kane to the floor and looks at the steps. We get the throw the steps spot but Kane mostly blocks them with his hands. He goes down anyway though and puts Kane on the stretcher but Kane sits up at the last second. He grabs Cena by the throat but Cena AA’s him back onto the stretcher to go to Money in the Bank at 15:18.

Rating: C-. These two never really worked all that well together but this wasn’t all that bad. I was thinking they wouldn’t go with Cena there for a second but I wasn’t sure what that would leave him with at the pay per view. Hopefully this gets rid of Kane for awhile as there really isn’t much for him to do right now.

Cena poses to end the show.

Overall Rating: B+. This show got by on energy alone and there’s nothing wrong with that at all. The parts that were good were REALLY good with the Shield stuff in particular knocking it out of the park. Rollins will be solid in his role but Ambrose and Reigns look like superstars already. The ladder match looks great and there are at least five legitimate contenders to win it.

It’s certainly not a perfect show by any means but the bad stuff was kept to a limit tonight. Yeah the stuff with the coffee was dumb and beyond a stretch, but at least the payoff was more than worth it. I have high hopes for Money in the Bank for the first time and above all else: IT LOOKS LIKE THERE WON’T BE A BRIEFCASE THIS YEAR! I couldn’t be happier about that so I’ll give the show bonus points. Really solid show this week that brought the goods.

Results
Seth Rollins b. Dolph Ziggler via DQ when Dean Ambrose interfered
Bad News Barrett b. Dean Ambrose via countout
Sheamus b. Bray Wyatt via DQ when the Wyatt Family interfered
Rusev b. Heath Slater – Accolade
Adam Rose/Summer Rae b. Fandango/Layla – Party Foul to Fandango
Roman Reigns won a battle royal last eliminating Rusev
Paige b. Cameron – PTO
Goldust/Star Dust b. Curtis Axel/Ryback – Diamond Dust to Axel
John Cena b. Kane – Cena pushed Kane over the finish line

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of on the History of Survivor Series at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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I wish I was clever enough to think of this.

Monday Night Raw
Date: May 26, 2014
Location: Thompson-Boling Arena, Knoxville, Tennessee
Commentators: Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield, Jerry Lawler

It’s the go home show for Payback and the main story coming into tonight is the announcement of the future of the WWE Championship. You would think they would wait until either Payback or the night after so the focus wasn’t taken off the pay per view but it’s WWE and they would never do something stupid that would cost over a billion dollars in a day right? Let’s get to it.

We open with the traditional Memorial Day montage. That’s always cool to see.

Here’s a gloating Authority to open things up. Stephanie talks about how Bryan has to do the right thing. “Yes, you know he’ll do what he has to do.” The Authority wasn’t happy about what’s happened here and didn’t want to be right on this one. The fans want to see the champion defend the title every night but right now Daniel Bryan can’t do that.

HHH says Bryan needs to make the right choice and how there are people in every generation that adapt to become legends, but there are people like Daniel Bryan who just can’t do it. People that don’t adapt fail and those that do thrive, and that is evolution. This Sunday, the Shield will find out that you can’t stop Evolution. There’s a contract signing tonight and the Shield will have the chance to adapt and not show up on Sunday, or sign and perish.

This brings Stephanie to Brad Maddox who needs to come out here right now. Maddox finally comes out and HHH just rips into him. Last week, HHH said only official people could be out here, so Brad made the Shield “official” commentators. Brad implies that he was beaten half to death but Stephanie doesn’t want to hear it. Here’s Kane and HHH knocks Brad down. She tells Kane to teach him a lesson and after a few seconds, Kane plants Maddox with a chokeslam. A tombstone is added as a bonus and Stephanie fires him.

Cesaro vs. Rob Van Dam

Cesaro vs. Sheamus for the US Title on Sunday. It’s also now called Payback pay per view with Cole ramming that down our throats every two seconds. Barrett comes out before the match and says it’s officially summer and Van Dam’s is going to get off to a bad start. Cesaro jumps Van Dam from behind as Barrett sits in on commentary (“Look it’s me it’s me it’s BNB!”). A gutwrench suplex puts Van Dam down but he comes back with a clothesline to put Cesaro on the floor. The moonsault from the apron is caught in midair and Van Dam is dropped onto the barricade as we take a break.

Back with Cesaro covering four times in a row off something we didn’t see. Van Dam fights back with a kick to the face and Rolling Thunder for two as Heyman is getting nervous. Cesaro falls outside and gets caught with a dive but Van Dam has to kick Barrett in the jaw (looked awesome). Back in and Van Dam kicks Cesaro down, setting up the split legged moonsault for two. Barrett offers a distraction though and the German suplex is good for the pin on Van Dam at 9:34.

Rating: C+. The match worked but here’s my usual complaint about the booking: why would you have Van Dam take a fall here? Put Sheamus/Van Dam vs. Barrett/Cesaro and do a double countout or DQ or something like that. Don’t have anyone get pinned before the matches on Sunday so no one looks bad. Why is this so complicated? I will give them points for establishing the German suplex as another finisher.

Sheamus runs out for a Brogue Kick to Cesaro post match.

Eva Marie vs. Summer Rae

Eva takes over to start and blows kisses into the crowd. Summer hammers away in the corner but gets thrown down by the head. Eva is rammed face first into the mat a few times as the fans chant for Daniel Bryan. Cue Fandango and Layla to distract Summer, allowing Eva to grab a horrible rollup for the pin at 1:57. I had the entire previous sentence written other than the time as soon as Fandango’s music started.

Goldust and Cody Rhodes come into HHH’s office to find out why they’re not on the show tonight. They find Batista and Orton instead. Trash is talked and a match is made. HHH has another idea for the match but doesn’t say what it is yet.

El Torito vs. Drew McIntyre

Torito draws a line on the mat but crosses it himself. Drew tries to throw him into the air but gets caught in an armdrag. McIntyre easily slams him down and shoves Torito around the ring as this is one sided. Los Matadores break up a superplex and Drew gets slammed onto the buckle, giving Torito the fluke pin at 2:28.

Post match Horny goes after Torito’s mask but settles for his tail instead. JBL: “THE HUMANITY!” Torito runs away in shame.

After a break Torito gets an ice pack.

Here are the Wyatts (in Tennessee because they can’t say Knoxville for some reason) with a message for the Cenation. First up though, it’s time to sing. Those words have never been truer because the world really is leaning on him. He only wants what’s best for everyone, but sometimes that’s not the easiest path. In this life, we all have to make sacrifices. We do that every day, just so we can feed our children while someone else tells us who to be and how to act.

Someday everyone will realize how pointless that is and one day we have to receive the anti-vemon for that snake bite. Bray asks if he’s the poison or the cure. He’s the necessary evil that the world needs and in the end if you’re his brother or sister, you will stand right beside him. But if you’re his enemy, you will fall at his feet. John Cena is enemy to us all and at Payback, Bray will be the last man standing. However, Cena shouldn’t be the only man punished. A Cena chant starts up and Bray just laughs at it.

Bray says to get to the kings you have to go through the pawns. This brings Bray to Jerry Lawler of all people. “Come on Jerry. I don’t bite.” Jerry shakes his head so Wyatt sends the Family after him. Bray tells JBL not to play hero or he’ll be next. Bradshaw gets up anyway but Harper runs him over. Rowan shoves him into the discus lariat and Lawler is directed into the ring.

Jerry sits in a chair in the ring as Bray says Lawler is responsible for a lot of Cena’s fame. For years, Jerry has fed the fans all these lies about John Cena being a great man, but never once has Lawler questioned his morality. Bray asks if Lawler feels any remorse over this and it’s time to pay the penalty. The Family grabs Lawler and Bray leans over in the corner. Here’s Cena but Bray is holding Lawler in the corner. They get Cena down as Bray says he’s going to hurt Cena at Payback. First though, it’s Sister Abigail to Lawler, with Bray saying it’s all Cena’s fault. The Usos make the save before it can happen though.

Cena and company clear the ring and John grabs the mic. Bray shouts that he’s a god and Cena wants to know if Bray thinks about this stuff. He quotes Abraham Lincoln by saying you can test a man by giving him power. Bray has been given power and it’s made him sick. Wyatt tried to hurt a sick man because they don’t agree on something. That’s not a necessary evil but just pure evil. A Cena chant breaks out as Cena says he believes in what he does. If the Wyatt Family likes it or not, Bray Wyatt needs to be stopped. Payback is about being the last man standing and John will bring Bray to justice.

Lawler and Cole are on commentary by themselves now.

Zack Ryder vs. Rusev

Ryder brings out an American flag to make the squash all the more painful. Before the match, Lana talks about how American patriots are embarrassing and require disciplinary actions. Zack tries to hammer away but is taken down by a single shot. Lana almost immediately says crush and the Accolade ends Ryder in 36 seconds.

Big E. runs out for another save attempt but gets stomped down in the corer. This time though Big E. fights back with the running body attack and clotheslines Rusev to the floor. The Stars and Stripes are waived for the feel good moment.

Stephanie is talking to Alberto Del Rio about something we can’t hear.

Cody Rhodes/Goldust vs. Batista/Cody Rhodes

Batista drives Cody into the corner to start before doing the same to Goldust. Off to Orton who gets rollup for two before it’s back to Cody. Randy takes him into the corner with ease and hammers away before it’s back to Batista as Evolution takes over. A big elbow to the jaw puts Cody down but he escapes a powerslam and dives to the corner for a tag. Goldust tries to fight back but Randy gets in a shot from the apron, allowing Batista to nail a spinebuster for two.

Back from a break with Batista working on Goldust’s back until Goldie nails some right hands to both villains. Not that it matters much as Big Dave takes him down with a big clothesline for two. Goldust nails a cross body and makes the tag off to Cody as things speed up. A springboard missile dropkick gets two on Orton and Batista gets dropped as well, but Orton catches the Disaster Kick with an RKO to knock Rhodes silly. Another RKO is good for the pin on Cody at 10:05.

Actually we’re not done yet because this is an elimination match, meaning it’s now Batista/Orton vs. Goldust. It’s also no holds barred to make it even more fun. Goldust is surrounded on the floor but comes up swinging. That goes about as well as you would expect and Evolution starts taking their time. Goldust backdrops Orton to the apron but walks into a spear. The RKO lays Goldust out again and a Batista Bomb is good for the pin at 13:25 total.

Rating: D+. I thought they were going with the elimination rules here and it makes sense going into Sunday. Imagine that: making a team look good going into a match instead of having someone in the match get beaten six days before the big match. The Rhodes’ split seems to take a week off tonight as there were no issues at all here.

Bo Dallas vs. Sin Cara

JBL is back on commentary and says he’s never been hit that hard in his life. Bo takes over with a headlock and goes outside to celebrate. Back in and a hard whip into the corner gets two on Cara and some knees to the face lead to another celebration. An enziguri puts Dallas down and that snap Angle Slam looks to set up the Swanton. Bo is up quickly though and hits the Bodog out of the corner for the pin at 2:53.

Bo says you get satisfaction from trying and you all need to BOLIEVE!

We recap the opening segment.

Here’s Stephanie to say the future of the WWE Title has to be decided but first of all, we need Daniel out here to do the right thing. Bryan comes out with his neck in a soft brace as Stephanie says that Bryan needs to do the right thing. He can’t defend the title right now and that’s what the fans deserve, so do what needs to be done. Bryan says that winning the title means the world to him but Stephanie has a point.

The neck injury is worse than he thought and a large part of that is due to Kane. However, Bryan finds it interesting that Stephanie claimed she had no power over Kane but earlier tonight she was able to tell him what to do with ease. Bryan says he’ll be back and there’s no shame in handing the title over. However, Stephanie has been wanting to do this since he won the title and handing them over would just prove her right.

Daniel says it would throw everything he’s worked for out the window and be an insult to everyone who ever changed YES. Therefore, he says NO, he won’t hand her the title. Stephanie shows us a clip of Brie Bella shoving Stephanie a few weeks ago. That’s not ok with Stephanie, so if Bryan doesn’t surrender the title on Sunday, Brie is fired.

Alicia Fox vs. Emma

Fox is getting the title shot on Sunday. Emma sends her into the corner to start for the Emma Sandwich and Fox rolls outside. She says she doesn’t need this and goes to leave but nails Emma as she goes after Fox. Emma gets draped over the apron and caught by the ax kick for two. Fox misses a charge into the corner and gets pinned at 2:28. Well that happened.

Fox beats up Emma post match and shouts that she isn’t a loser. This week she rings the bell a lot and shouts about it again. A tech guy gets beaten up and Alicia rips his underwear up. This just kind of keeps going as Fox pulls some sodas out from under the ring. She shakes them up and a few drops get on the tech guy. Fox pours a soda on herself and kisses the tech guy she went after earlier.

Long video on the veterans.

Davy Crockett vs. Adam Rose

It’s Sandow for reasons that I really don’t care to know. This is Rose’s in ring debut in WWE. Sandow is wrestling in a coonskin cap and sends Rose into the ropes. Adam leans back and kicks his feet forward so Sandow can’t come near him. Here are Colter and Swagger, who have kidnapped the lemon from Rose’s party. The distraction doesn’t work though and Sandow gets caught in the Party Foul (Diamond Cutter driver) for the pin at 1:40.

Rose takes out Swagger post match.

Sheamus vs. Alberto Del Rio

Non-title. Sheamus takes over to start and gets an early one off a middle rope knee. There are the ten forearms to the chest and the fight heads outside. That goes nowhere at all so Del Rio catches Sheamus with a few boots as he comes back in and we take a break. Back with Del Rio jawing with the referee before Sheamus fights back with right hands. The running ax handles drop Alberto but Sheamus goes shoulder first into the post.

A hard kick to the head has Sheamus in trouble but he comes back with the Irish Curse for two. Del Rio kicks him in the head again but gets caught in White Noise. He loads up the Brogue Kick but stops to hold his head. Del Rio hits the corner enziguri and the low superkick (SICK) for two. The armbreaker is countered and the Brogue Kick is good for the pin at 9:20.

Rating: C. This is the annoying thing about Sheamus’ booking: this makes Del Rio look weak. He hit every huge move he could and in theory he should have won the match. That being said, it’s better to have Sheamus win to keep him strong before Sunday, but it’s still rather annoying to have him get the win with a single move.

Post match Heyman pops up and says that wasn’t an important win (but it was when Brock Lesnar conquered the Streak). Sheamus goes after him but Cesaro comes back and destroys Sheamus with hard shots to the head. Sheamus can’t even stand up and is finally kept down with the Neutralizer.

Here’s Shield for the contract signing. Ambrose says this isn’t going to be a normal contract signing as Reigns is throwing the chairs and table out of the ring. Evolution comes out and HHH reminisces about Shield signing their first contracts here. HHH thinks they shouldn’t sign because it’s their death warrant. Shield of course signs and throws the contract to Evolution who does the same. HHH says Shield is just going to be a statistic but Reigns shushes him. “Get in the ring and fight.”

The war is about to start but Shield easily sends them to the floor. Rollins hits his flip dive but Batista takes Ambrose down. That only gets him the Superman Punch but HHH gets in a sledgehammer shot to prevent the spear. More sledgehammer shots put Reigns on the floor and his teammates are put down as well. A TripleBomb puts Reigns through the table and Evolution stands tall to end the show.

Overall Rating: C-. This show was trying but you could feel the heavy hand of McMahon messing with things. It felt like a huge infomercial instead of a wrestling show and while that’s logical for a go home show, it got really annoying in a hurry. Between Cole saying “Payback pay per view” every 18 seconds to explaining EVERY SINGLE IDEA EVER and how so and so was the #1 TRENDING TOPIC IN THE WORLD and the World Title scene being about Stephanie (I’m shocked too), this felt like they were taking things too seriously again.

WWE does this time to time and it gets annoying. Sometimes it’s ok to lighten up a bit and they’re far from that at the moment. You have the concussion stuff with Sheamus, Fox losing her mind and everything else being the most important thing in the world on Sunday (again, not a bad thing to do). All of that makes it hard to stay with a show.

There was good stuff on here though. More than anything else, Payback got some much needed matches added to the card to really flesh things out. A lot of logical matches were added and I’d assume Big E. vs. Rusev is coming too. It’s definitely not a bad show but they really need to calm down a bit and stop with the taglines.

Results
Cesaro b. Rob Van Dam – German suplex
Eva Marie b. Summer Rae – Rollup
El Torito b. Drew McIntyre – Pin after Drew fell off the ropes

Rusev b. Zack Ryder – Accolade
Batista/Randy Orton b. Goldust/Cody Rhodes – Batista Bomb to Goldust
Bo Dallas b. Sin Cara – Bodog
Emma b. Alicia Fox – Rollup

Adam Rose b. Davy Crockett – Party Fowl
Sheamus b. Alberto Del Rio – Brogue Kick

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It was actually announced.

….but nothing will actually happen until Sunday. Bryan refused to hand over the title but Stephanie said he has until Sunday to do it or Brie is fired due to Brie shoving her a few weeks ago.

Due to him allowing Shield to come to the ring last week. Kane beat him up before Stephanie made the announcement. This should have happened eight months ago.

Monday Night Raw
Date: October 4, 2004
Location: Madison Square Garden, New York City, New York
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

This is another request, likely due to the location. At the moment we’re coming up on Taboo Tuesday where HHH will defend against one of three challengers. Other than that we’ve got Orton vs. Flair coming up as an offshoot of Orton vs. HHH. It’s also the night after No Mercy 2004 which was a Smackdown show and therefore shouldn’t have much effect on this show. Let’s get to it.

Here’s Evolution to open things up. It’s so strange to think that I might be saying that when I review a Raw ten years later. This time we only have HHH and Flair but I’m sure Big Dave will be coming in soon. Flair talks about talking about HHH being the best wrestler alive and only Flair can say that. As for Orton, he may have gotten rid of some big names but never a legend. Orton is barred from the building tonight and I’m sure he will NOT be showing up later.

Flair goes into a rant about how Orton has never gotten rid of any legends, making him a virgin in the area. Does Orton know how many virgins Flair has “made bleed all night long?” Flair: “THAT’S MY SPECIALTY!” This brings Flair to his match with Orton at Taboo Tuesday which can be falls count anywhere, submission or a steel cage. “It doesn’t matter Orton, because you virgin, will be mine all night long.” And WWE insists on keeping this guy around nearly ten years later?

HHH talks about how Taboo Tuesday, and this is a direct quote, “is going to be a complete disaster.” Oh you have no idea Trips. He rants about the fans having WAY too much power (these jokes write themselves) and asks the fans if they like having Evolution’s fate in their hands. HHH quotes Jack Nicholson (“an overrated Hollywood actor”) by saying it doesn’t matter what you think. He might be on to something with overrated. I mean, three Oscars out of twelve nominations yes, but he wasn’t The Chaperone. Don’t even get me started on Blade: Trinity. That’s just not fair to Jack.

After he continues to bury Taboo Tuesday by calling it a joke, here’s Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho to interrupt HHH. Jericho talks about being live in New York City on Monday Night Jericho, but the guys in the ring aren’t happy with Taboo Tuesday. We get a fan poll of fans’ opinions of HHH and the one related to a donkey is the runaway winner. Jericho takes credit for the Taboo Tuesday concept and says he’ll laugh at HHH losing the title.

This and a bit of profanity send Flair into a rage (a trademark by this point) and he demands Jericho come down here right now. Chris goes to the back and comes back with a chair but Batista blindsides him. Benoit and Edge (two of HHH’s challengers at Taboo Tuesday along with Shawn) make the save and in theory setting up a six man tag later. I say in theory because I’ve seen the match listing and that’s not what we get but you can never tell on a show with an old man ranting about deflowering virgins and calling the upcoming pay per view a disaster/joke.

Christian and his bodyguard Tomko are in the back with Captain Charisma ranting about Shawn getting WAY too much credit for his win at Wrestlemania X (which he lost) while Christian’s win at Wrestlemania XX isn’t remembered at all. Bite your tongue dude. That was a great story and it gave us EVIL Trish.

Shawn Michaels vs. Christian

JR is WAY too excited for Shawn’s entrance. He doesn’t freak out that much for Wrestlemania. Shawn takes over with a headlock (and JR goes up another octave. Seriously what’s his deal tonight?) and cranks away for a few moments. Christian takes over with some hair pulling and fires off some CANADIAN right hands in the corner. He misses a charge though and goes a few octaves higher as well. Shawn knocks Tomko off the apron but takes too long stomping the mat (it’s almost like that’s a REALLY BIG GIVEAWAY) and Christian gets to the floor.

Tomko takes the kick instead and we head to a break. Back with Christian holding a chinlock followed by the reverse tornado DDT for two. Lawler calls that a tide turner despite Christian being in control and still being in control after the DDT. Eh to be fair Christian has natural breasts so you can’t expect Lawler to pay much attention. A backbreaker gets two more on Michaels and it’s back to the chinlock for some good old fashioned spot calling.

Another backbreaker gets another two. Shawn fights up but collides with Christian to knock both guys down. This does prove that Shawn has a much harder head as Christian was fine beforehand but is now even with Shawn. Maybe Michaels is part Samoan? They slug it out with Shawn cranking it up and hammering away in the corner.

A backdrop only gets two on Christian, likely because WHO FREAKING GETS PINNED OFF A BACKDROP? Why would Shawn even try that? There needs to be a wrestler that wrestles knowing all those unspoken rules of wrestling. It wouldn’t last long but it would be hilarious. Unprettier gets two on Shawn because he’s a main eventer and Christian is an upper midcarder and upset is a bad word in WWE. Christian goes up but gets backdropped down, setting up the big elbow and Chin Music for the pin.

Rating: C. Basic match here with nothing wrong. Shawn getting a win before a possible (oh who are we kidding. It’s HHH vs. Shawn on PPV. You don’t think that’s rigged?) title shot at Taboo Tuesday is the right move and Christian doesn’t lose anything by getting pinned by a bigger star.

Benoit vs. Batista and Jericho vs. HHH tonight. See? The match card written nearly ten years ago was accurate.

We go to a sitdown interview with a sad Lita (looking great here) who talks about her whole love rhombus with Matt Hardy and Kane (you have to give Kane two sides since he’s always turning). Now she’s lost her baby and she’ll never get to know what it looks like. Well it was hers and Kane’s so just put a red wig on him and…..and leave a night light on because that’s a rather disturbing image. Apparently Snitsky has said the baby isn’t his fault and Lita isn’t happy with that line. She rants at Todd Grisham over it, probably scaring him off to host some soccer show on ESPN. Lita wants Kane to hurt Snitsky.

Bischoff is seen making a deal with a woman. We can only see a nail polished hand. Mark Henry Jr? Anyway Coach comes in and is worried about Snitsky, so Bischoff says JR can interview Snitsky later.

Apparently later is right now and here’s Snitsky with a baby carriage. Kane immediately comes out (complete with pyro because it’s WWE) but Snitsky had a lead pipe in the carriage and Kane is busted open. Some choking ensues until referees make the save.

Batista vs. Chris Benoit

An early Crossface attempt sends Batista out to the floor but he comes back in with some right hands in the corner. Benoit takes it back to the floor and hits a quick chop block to little effect. Back in and a big old spinebuster drops Chris. Some backbreakers (popular move tonight) have Benoit in trouble but he sends a charging Big Dave into the corner. Rolling Germans have Batista in trouble and Benoit’s neck screaming in agony. Chris still can’t get the Crossface so Batista sends him outside for a beating from Flair. Not that it matters as Randy Orton (SHOCK AND AWE SHOCK AND AWE!) runs in to jump Batista and Flair.

Rating: D+. The match didn’t have time to go anywhere but Orton had to show up after the attack last week. Batista wasn’t quite polished yet but when he went on a roll next year he wouldn’t stop for a long time. It’s amazing that Benoit was the top guy in the company just six months before this and now he can’t even get a five minute match.

Eric sends security (including future Heartthrob Romeo Roselli) out to get Orton out of here but Batista and Flair come up for cheap shots.

Here’s Bischoff in the ring to announced Kane vs. Snitsky for the PPV where the fans get to pick the weapon. If they had a plastic baby as an option I’d……either watch the show on the Network or go build a time machine so I could go back and buy the show when it aired. It depends on my mood. The fans can also vote for anyone on the roster to face Jericho for the Intercontinental Title. Based on the options you would eventually have, it’s a wonder that the company survived 2004.

Anyway Bischoff brings out Eugene followed by Carmella DeCesare, the runner-up in the Diva Search. Short version: Bischoff is facing Eugene at the PPV and it might be a hair match. Carmella “likes” bald guys and sex is implied if Eugene throws the match. Eugene will for a kiss but Carmella freaks. Despite that bizarre set of morals, Carmella says she’s better than Eugene, drawing out Christy to shove her down and kiss Eugene. Can someone sign me up for mental trauma? It appears to be worth it.

Raw Tag Team Titles: La Resistance vs. Hurricane/Rosey

The French guys have the belts coming in. Rob (Conway, partner of Sylvan Grenier) puts a headlock on Hurri (Cane, partner of Rosey) to get things going but it’s quickly off to the fat man. The good guys (who wear masks to hide their identities. I guess they’re really modest about their good deeds?) take over for a bit until Grenier pulls Rosey’s mask to the side. The big man plants the Hurricane by mistake, setting up Au Revoir (neckbreaker/side slam combo) to retain the belts. Nothing match.

Edge says vote for him because he’s never gotten a title shot. Other than in 2002 against Big Show but that doesn’t count I guess. He’s also never faced HHH one on one. Well 1999 wasn’t exactly wrestling so you could stretch and say it didn’t happen (they fought on Raw in 1999 if that wasn’t clear you dingbats).

Bischoff tells the people who will be candidates for the Intercontinental Title match (about 20 people. That’s a VERY thin “roster” no?) that they’re lumberjacks for HHH vs. Jericho later.

Stacy Keibler vs. Molly Holly

Non-title, likely because neither of them are champions. Trish, looking GREAT in a low cut top and jeans with some stomach showing, sits in on commentary. She shows us a clip from last week where Christy Hemme stripped off her clothes. Trish’s assessment, and again I quote, “Sl** sl** sl** sl** sl**. Christy Hemme is a sl**.” I love the Bellas trying to sound all serious when you have the girls from this era ripping into each other with lines like that.

Even JR says Stacy has no chance here, albeit in JR-speak of course. Molly points a finger in Stacy’s face so she bites down on it. Again, these jokes are too easy at times. Keibler chokes in the corner and throws Molly down by her VERY short hair (she was shaved bald at Wrestlemania).

As this is going on, we get WWE Fantasy standings on the bottom of the screen. That’s a fascinating idea actually, but it would wind up being a huge mess. The camera stays on Trish, talking about how Christy “exudes sl**tiness.” Molly gets low bridged to the floor and Trish runs down to distract Stacy for no apparent reason, but Stacy is actually smart enough (I’m stunned too) to counter into a cradle for the pin.

HHH vs. Chris Jericho

Lumberjack match and non-title. We also hear that Jericho was born in Manhasset, New York. This was a big thing around this time and for the life of me I don’t get why. Are we supposed to love Jericho because he brags about being Canadian all the time but is really American born? Jericho attacks HHH before the bell and the belt is still on the Game. You know he wears that to bed. Shelton Benjamin and William Regal throw HHH back inside and we get some WOOING off Jericho chops.

Jericho is sent outside and starts a fight (bully) but still comes back inside with a rollup for two. The Walls don’t work so Chris catapults HHH into the buckle for another two count. Back up and HHH throws Jericho to the floor where Steven Richards and Coach double team him. Seriously, STEVEN RICHARDS AND COACH are 10% of the “roster?” Just start chanting TNA now. Egads what a frightening thought.

Back in and Jericho nails a spinwheel kick to put both guys down. Christian low bridges Jericho to the floor but Rhyno makes a save. After accidentally knocking Rhyno down, Jericho fights out a Pedigree attempt and puts on the Walls but he has to go after Flair. Chris is like screw it and goes thrillseeking by diving on a bunch of guys (including Chuck Palumbo and Maven). A top rope back elbow drops HHH but Rhyno Gores Jericho down, giving HHH the pin.

Rating: D+. The lumberjacks felt wedged in here and the match wasn’t very good on top of all that. They’re pushing Rhyno as the top challenger for the fans to vote for but if they really need to push him over Rodney Mack, Tomko, Rosey and Coach, this company is in trouble. Anyway, nothing match but it was all angle anyway. Nice to see Jericho get pinned in a match that easily could have been a no contest. HHH REALLY needed that didn’t he?

Big brawl, Orton runs in, RKOs all around (meaning two, with one going to Grenier, show’s over.

Overall Rating: D. Gene Snitsky (and sad Lita) was the highlight of this show. Let that sink in for a minute. A man that KICKS BABIES IS THE HIGHLIGHT OF YOUR SHOW. The matches sucked, the pay per view sounds like it’s going to suck and Orton has already been treated like a loser so why should I care about him? Somehow, all of those things are great by comparison to that opening promo though.

I can’t get my mind around some of the things that I heard in there. The World Champion is saying the show is a disaster and a joke while Ric Flair, a guy in one of the featured matches (it would main event the show) is ranting about making virgins bleed. I don’t care how great you are.

There comes a point where you shouldn’t be allowed to have a live mic. “Oh that’s just Flair being Flair.” Yeah he says a lot of crazy things, but back in his day he said stuff that was both funny and interesting as opposed to embarrassing himself and his employer. Somehow he still has a job ten years later and the company still goes out of its way to praise the guy, despite him being more of a trainwreck now than he was back then. Why Flair is immune to all this criticism is beyond me, but I’ve been sick of it for years now.

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