Kind of a big deal but it’s the easiest to write.

Honorable Mention: Edge. Before he became the ridiculous character that he was in the Rated R days, Edge was AWESOME, tearing Smackdown apart in 2002 and being on the verge of the world title until a neck injury put him on the shelf for over a year.  I was a huge Edgehead back in the day as the look and the music got me totally into his stuff.  There’s a fourway on Smackdown with him facing Angle, Guerrero and Benoit which is as good a TV match as you’ll see in a long time.

Honorable Mention: Rey Mysterio. Back in the mid to late 90s, Mysterio was like nothing else I had ever seen before.  When you go from the big brawling guys of the 80s to Bret and Owen on the mat earlier in the decade to Mysterio jumping all over the place and doing flips that no one in America had ever seen before, how in the world can you not be impressed?  Some guys would probably wind up doing it better, but Mysterio was doing it first and did it best back in the 90s.

Honorable Mention: Tito Santana. Santana is a guy where the more I see of him the more I like him.  The guy was incredibly talented and had some very solid charisma, as he could get a crowd going no matter what he was doing.  Santana is the original Kofi Kingston, as he won various other titles and got a once in a blue moon world title shot.  He never was a threat to win the title, but it was next to impossible to have a bad match with him.  That’s very valuable and it allows for a lot of help on a card.

5. Kane. Kane is a guy who constantly goes from being dull to entertaining at the drop of a hat.  His debut back in 1997 is still one of the most awesome moments I can remember, as you had heard about Kane for months and months until he FINALLY debuted in the first Hell in a Cell match.  It was clear from that moment that Undertaker was in for a fight and that’s what he got.  Think about it like this: Steve Austin was the hottest thing in the world for well over a year but Kane took the title from him two months after he won it.  That says a lot about him, even if it was for just one day.  Throw in the HILARIOUS anger management stuff and Kane is one of the most entertaining guys I’ve ever seen.

4. Randy Savage. Again, the more I watch this guy the more I appreciate him.  Savage is so smooth in the ring it’s unreal, as he can go from high flying to mat wrestling to brawling and back again like it’s no problem at all.  On top of that, Savage was NUTS and had some of the most over the top and insane promos you’ll ever hear.  Wait why am I bothering to explain this?  If you don’t know who Randy Savage is, why are you reading this?  The man is awesome and in a few years he’ll probably be higher on this list.

3. Hulk Hogan. Dude, it’s Hulk Hogan.  He got me into wrestling as a kid and he kept me in it for years.  It’s a simple idea: he’s a hero and he fought off the bad guys.  It’s amazing how simple of a concept that is yet so many people over the years have tried to/insisted on overthinking it.  While Hogan has done a lot of bad things over the years, without him there wouldn’t be a modern wrestling for him to do bad things in.  That pretty easily makes up for all of it and there’s not much of an argument against it.

2. Sting. As much as I liked Hogan, there’s something about Sting that I like that much more.  Sting is one of those guys that is indeed timeless and has done it all in wrestling.  Yes I said did it all, because he doesn’t need to go to WWE.  He’s one of the biggest stars of all time (get over yourself WON HOF.  To suggest that Sting isn’t a main event star is ridiculous) and had one of the most intriguing stories in the history of wrestling, which just happened to draw a fortune.  I love the guy and he’s always awesome.

1. Mick Foley. Foley on the other hand is awesome on a completely different level.  One of my favorite movies is Rocky, which clearly had a lot of influence on the Mick Foley character.  The night he won his first world title is still perfect and makes me smile every time I see it.  On top of that though, Foley really is a brilliant character.  Many people see him as three different interchangeable characters, but in reality it’s one who has multiple personalities that manifest themselves at the appropriate time.  That’s a really interesting and deep idea which has never been done other than this that I can think of.  On top of THAT, a few years ago I got to meet Foley at a book signing and he couldn’t have been a nicer guy, which made him all the more awesome.  Go read his books as they’re certainly worth it, even Countdown to Lockdown.

Here’s a preview from the Wrestlemania 15 redo which sums up the Attitude Era:

We recap HHH vs. Kane. Chyna had turned on DX and joined the Corporation I believe late last year. A few weeks before this she was holding HHH for a fireball shot from Kane, only to take it herself. HHH standing up for the honor of his friend who isn’t his friend anymore because she turned on him. As an act of friendship, HHH painted himself gold and wore a flowery robe while imitating a crossdresser and launched a flamethrower at Kane, burning him again.  Later in the show, Chyna would turn on Kane and reunite with HHH, only to have BOTH of them turn HALF AN HOUR LATER to join the Corporation.

This of course is REAL entertainment, unlike what we got on Monday night right?  Oh wait Cena sometimes makes jokes aimed at ten year olds so he isn’t entertaining right?  Clearly it’s time to turn him heel, like everyone else in the Attitude Era did, sometimes more than once an hour!

Elimination Chamber 2012
Date: February 19, 2012
Location: Bradley Center, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Commentators: Michael Cole, Booker T, Jerry Lawler

This is the final stop on the Road to Wrestlemania, or the beginning of the road, depending on how you look at it. The even money would seem to be on both of the champions retaining here but you can never be sure. I mean, Santino is scheduled to be in this match so how sure can you be? Let’s get to it.

The opening video is exactly what you would imagine it is.

The Chamber is lowered.

Raw World Title: CM Punk vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Chris Jericho vs. R-Truth vs. The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston

Jericho enters last due to winning a match on Raw two weeks ago. Punk and Kofi start us off. Naturally the two faces wrestle as faces. Also they’re not going to use a lot of energy this early in the match. Kofi goes to the ropes but might have slipped a bit. It was nothing bad though. They trade pinfall reversals and Kofi avoids the GTS. Punk avoids the Boom Drop and they go to the outside. Well as to the outside as you can go.

Punk blocks a kick and slingshots Kofi into the pod which has a great thud sound effect. Back into the ring but Punk has hurt his hip. It was probably due to that time when he got slammed out on the chain and landed on his hip, but that’s just speculation. Here’s the first pod opening and it’s…..a guy in pink trunks. The new idea they want to push is that it can go from a one on one match to a triple threat and so on. Great, another thing to have drilled into our heads.

Ziggler goes after Punk and does pullups on the Chamber wall. He splashes Kofi back in the ring and we’re told that pins have to take place in there. Good thing to clarify. A splash attempt on Punk misses and everyone is in some trouble. Punk and Kofi double team Dolph and go to the outside for a double springboard. In a cool looking visual, they both dive at Dolph but collide in the air off the springboards due to Dolph ducking.

Dolph can’t cover though so we open pod #2 after about three minutes. It’s R-Truth who works on the pink one. He’s no Bret Hart. Truth knocks Ziggler over the ropes to send Dolph leg first into the cage. Truth dives on top of him because he’s not that smart all the time. Scissors kick gets two in the ring. Punk does his usual ramming his head into the other guy’s ear to call a spot before superplexing Truth for two.

Trouble in Paradise misses Punk and Kofi gets thrown to the outside. Macho Elbow eliminates Truth but Ziggler grabs a rollup. Punk rolls through it and Kofi hits the kick on Punk (looked SICK). Ziggler goes after Kofi of course but Kofi fights him off. He can only get two on the champ though due to the delay. Kofi does the springboard into the Spider-Man cage grab then hits a tornado DDT Dolph onto the cage, basically knocking him silly.

Here’s Miz in fifth to clean house. Everyone is down now so Miz covers Dolph, getting two. Kofi gets up on the ropes and kicks Miz in the face but is knocked off and crashes into the cage. GTS and Finale are both blocked so Miz hits the short DDT for two. They head to the mat and Punk grabs the Vice on Miz, but wouldn’t you know it, Jericho comes in to break it up before the tap.

Jericho and Punk square off with Jericho in control. Walls and GTS are both blocked but the Lionsault hits for two. Ziggler comes back in and walks into the Codebreaker to get us down to four (Punk, Jericho, Miz, Kofi). Punk catches a Jericho dropkick and catapults Chris out to the cage again. Jericho gets rammed into the pods so he gets a finger into Punk’s eye and hides in the pod. That works for about two seconds as Punk follows him in.

Punk’s arm gets caught in the door and Jericho pulls on it to ram Punk into the pod door. Kofi remembers that he’s alive and tries the SOS on the cage, driving his own head into the cage. Miz and Kofi are the only ones up now but Miz misses the running clothesline and Kingston goes up. A superplex is countered as Punk powerbombs Miz for two. Kofi climbs to the top of the pod and dives onto both of them but can’t pin Miz.

Jericho comes in and Liontames Kofi for the elimination to get us down to three. He beats on Kofi after the elimination and throws him out of the Chamber. Punk kicks Jericho out of the Chamber and he’s unconscious. The referees say he’s done and say he’s not responsive. I’m REALLY not liking them doing this a week after what happened to Sorensen. The cameraman is down too but sits up a few seconds later.

Back in the ring Miz tries the Reality Check but Punk counters with a high kick for two. The running knee and bulldog get two but Punk springboards into the Finale for two. Miz freaks out and talks a lot of trash in the corner but misses a charge, hitting his head on the pod. GTS puts him out at 32:39 and I guess Jericho isn’t running in as a surprise since it’s over.

Rating: C+. The Chamber is one of those matches that gets an automatic higher grade to start. This was one of the weaker ones I can remember. For me the problem is that the main feud in this, Jericho and Punk, has no heat on it and there’s zero reason for this to be in the Chamber. They were the only two that had a chance in this but their feud has just begun with nothing but a run-in by Jericho, a promo and some staring. That’s the problem that these calendar based PPVs present and that looks like how the future will be.

We recap Santino getting his spot in the Chamber.

Santino drinks Raw eggs to Eugene’s music and with a towel that looks like it has the All That logo on it.

Remember those overly long videos on Rock and Cena? Here’s another one, this time on Cena’s training regimen and the gym he goes to. Some developmental guys work out there. This one wastes four minutes of PPV time.

Divas Title: Tamina Snuka vs. Beth Phoenix

Beth is wearing something inspired by Piper. This match could be subtitled “How many times can we remind you that Tamina is Jimmy Snuka’s daughter in a last ditch effort to make you care about her”. Tamina goes up quickly but gets knocked down to the outside. Beth pounds on her and Tamina barely gets back inside. Tamina gets up and hits a Samoan Drop but the Splash is broken up. Superplex gets two for Beth and Tamina chops her down. Superfly Splash gets two. Tamina goes up again but Beth brings her down, sends her into the buckle and the Glam Slam retains the title at 7:00.

Rating: D+. Call me sexist, call me a chauvinist, call me whatever you want, but I’m bored out of my mind every time the Divas are on screen. They’re waiting on Beth vs. Kharma which basically means they’re spending a year putting the whole division on hold, but at the end of the day is anyone going to care? I mean, who is Kharma going to feud with once she beats Beth? The division means nothing and it’s so uninteresting. The US Title can’t get on PPV because we have to see this. Right.

Santino punches some meat.

Jericho can’t talk.

Here’s Ace for his big announcement. He’s the Raw interim GM and he’s heard complaints about Smackdown’s GM Teddy Long. And never mind as here’s Alberto Del Rio! He says Teddy is a dog and likes to play favorites. Alberto wants Ace to be permanent Raw GM and the GM of Smackdown too. That brings out Henry who Cole thought was suspended (wasn’t he on Smackdown this week?).

Henry thinks Teddy is a bully who physically assaulted him. He supports the idea of Ace as permanent GM of both shows. Here’s Christian in a hat. Christian says that Teddy has been negligent and Smackdown is an unsafe working environment. He endorses Ace for GM as well. Ace has a picture taken of all four of them and then a second one. Now one with Otunga in it as well. And that’s that.

Santino runs some steps.

The Chamber is lowered. As in the ambulance match is main eventing ELIMINATION CHAMBER instead of an ELIMINATION CHAMBER.

Big Show says he has to win tonight.

Smackdown World Title: Big Show vs. Great Khali vs. Cody Rhodes vs. Daniel Bryan vs. Santino Marella vs. Wade Barrett

Barrett and Big Show start in the ring. Show runs Barrett over to start but Barrett gets him down for one. They go outside and Show gets rammed into the cage door twice. Wade goes after the knee but Show kicks him off. We get a statement from Lawler saying that if you’re knocked out (like Jericho was) that counts as a submission. Why do I have a feeling this won’t be enforced later? Show wants Bryan as the buzzer goes off but gets Cody instead. Show is standing there waiting on him and things slow down a lot.

Cody gets thrown to the outside while Barrett is thrown back inside. Chokeslam to Barrett is countered and Wade chop blocks Show down. Cody and Barrett team up on Show and start fighting a few seconds later. Santino comes in fourth and after he hits his usual stuff, Show runs him over. Cody takes Show down by the knee though as the fans chant for Santino.

Barrett and Cody double suplex Show onto the steel to put him down. Cody hits the moonsault to Barrett and goes after Santino. No one is out yet. Rhodes rams the Cobra hand into the cage and Khali is in fifth. Chops and clotheslines for both heels and the Punjabi Plunge to Rhodes. One to Barrett as well and a chop to Santino. The giants face off and Show spears Khali for an elimination about 40 seconds after Khali entered.

Show keeps staring at Bryan and then even tries to reach in and grab him. He breaks the chains on the pod and has broken through. Bryan demands the door be opened but Show has broken in and climbed through the top. The place ERUPTS for this. The clock goes off to release Bryan but they’re both inside the pod. Bryan manages to get out but Show does the required breaking the plexiglass spot. You know, THE SAME THING THAT HAPPENS EVERY YEAR.

Into the ring now and Show loads up the right hand. Oh wait it’s the chokeslam instead but Barrett kicks Show in the face before there’s a cover. Santino pops up for a quick rollup for two on Barrett but is then thrown to the outside. Cody hits two Beautiful Disasters to Show followed by a DDT. Barrett hits a middle rope DDT and Big Show is gone to a big reaction. So it’s Cody, Barrett, Bryan and Santino to go.

Make that three as Santino rolls up Cody to pin him. Cody hits Cross Rhodes to Santino. There’s Cody’s next feud I guess. Barrett covers Santino but it only gets two. Barrett hammers on him and ties Santino’s arms in the Chamber wall. The beating continues on Santino for awhile until Bryan gets back up with a flying knee to Barrett. Bryan goes up but Barrett knocks him part of the way into it again by the back of the head.

Barrett loads up Wasteland off the middle rope but Santino breaks it up because he’s an idiot. Santino tries a superplex but gets shoved off. He avoids an elbow and Bryan hits a top rope headbutt, allowing Santino to steal the pin, meaning he’s eliminated Cody Rhodes and Wade Barrett. Bryan is very happy to see what he’s up against as it’s one on one now. It turns into a cat and mouse game and Santino even gets the Cobra for two. The LeBell Lock goes on and Santino taps at 33:57.

Rating: B-. Better match with better drama, but at the end of the day this wasn’t that great. Khali being out quick was fine but I have some real issues with them jobbing out their heels AGAIN for the sake of a one off thing. Barrett was this evil violent and cunning man and he loses to Santino. The same for the longest reigning IC Champion in 8 years. And for what? A pop because they can’t put the freaking US Champion in there? Ok I’m shutting up before I go too long with this. Match was ok, but nothing great.

Here’s Sheamus post match who takes Bryan out.

Time for unfunny comedy with Natalya. Cheese is present. Horny says that jack cheese is his favorite. Jack Swagger gets a cameo with Vickie, prompting a cottage cheese line. Justin Gabriel gets in Jack’s face so Teddy makes our filler match. Jack says that one man should run both shows. Teddy agrees but says it should be him. The match is for the title.

Buy Rock’s new DVD!

US Title: Jack Swagger vs. Justin Gabriel

Please change the title. Swagger controls to start and hits the Vader Bomb for no cover. Gabriel gets in some basic offense but Swagger grabs the ankle lock and wins by submission at 3:00. Of all the matches I’ve ever seen added to a PPV to fill in time, this was one of them.

Undertaker will be on Raw tomorrow.

We recap Cena vs. Kane. Kane wants Cena to embrace the hate, Cena says no. Kane does something bad to Cena to get him to embrace the hate, Cena says no. Kane does something bad to Cena then hurts Ryder to get him to embrace the hate, Cena says no. Kane does something bad to Cena then hurts Ryder then makes Cena make out with a hot woman to get him to embrace the hate, Cena says no. Conclusion? Ambulance match, duh.

John Cena vs. Kane

You win by putting your opponent in the ambulance and having it driven out of the arena. You know Walt Disney was an ambulance driver in World War I when he was about 14. True story. Kane’s broken leg by Henry has been changed into a self imposed exile. Ok then. Cena charges to start and they head to the floor. They fight by the ambulance and use some of the stuff inside it as well.

Back to the ring and Kane goes into the steps but takes over anyway. Kane hits the side slam but Cena ducks the clothesline. He hits some of his signature stuff but the AA is countered into a smother. Cena goes down and is out cold so Kane throws him to the floor. He goes under the ring and pulls out a wheelchair. Well at least he’s making sure Cena is comfortable.

Cena escapes the chair and they fight to the ambulance again. Kane gets slammed into the vehicle and put into the chair. Cena rolls the chair into some production stuff. They fight into the tech area and Cena goes all beast mode. He asks Booker if this gets him a spot in the Fave Five and rams the steps into Kane’s head. John sets up the steps and tries to AA Kane through the table but Kane reverses into a chokeslam through it instead.

Kane goes up to the ambulance and gets a stretcher on wheels. Kane gets him in the ambulance but can’t close the second door. Cena kicks it into Kane’s face and they fight to the cab of the ambulance. John climbs onto the roof of the cab and then on top of the ambulance. They slug it out up there and Cena AA’s Kane off the ambulance into a conveniently placed area we can’t see. At least you couldn’t see the crash pad. He puts Kane in, closes the doors and it’s over at 21:21.

Rating: C+. The match was ok but it wasn’t great at all. Why this finished the show rather than one of the title matches is beyond me, unless something changes after the match. Cena winning was obvious and that’s fine. At least it ends this horrible storyline for good (in theory).

Overall Rating: D. Let’s see. The namesake match didn’t main event the show, the world titles didn’t change, the presumptive Mania matches are exactly what we thought they would be, and Cena wins again. Why exactly did this show exist again? I really didn’t like this one at all and it feels like WWE is being dragged into Mania instead of hitting it head on. They really need to crank things up before the PPV because in my eyes, what they’re doing heading into it isn’t working.

Results
CM Punk b. The Miz, Dolph Ziggler, Kofi Kingston, Chris Jericho and R-Truth – Punk last eliminated The Miz after a GTS
Beth Phoenix b. Tamina Snuka – Glam Slam
Daniel Bryan b. Great Khali, Big Show, Wade Barrett, Cody Rhodes and Santino Marella – Bryan last eliminated Marella with the LeBell Lock
Jack Swagger b. Justin Gabriel – Ankle Lock
John Cena b. Kane – Cena put Kane in the ambulance

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews

Monday Night Raw
Date: February 18, 2013
Location: Cajundome, Lafayette, Louisiana
Commentators: Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole

Elimination Chamber was last night and the most important thing is we have our title matches at Mania (presumably) set. Rock is defending against Cena while Del Rio is going to defend against Swagger, assuming nothing is added to either match. Other than that Cena/Ryback/Sheamus were upset by the Shield in their six man tag. Tonight we continue the build to Wrestlemania. Let’s get to it.

We open with clips from last night, highlighting all of the major matches.

Here’s Cena to open the show. He talks about how ten months ago, the location for Wrestlemania 29 was announced, but only last night did the sign start to mean something. Cena mentions the two world title matches that are set, but here’s CM Punk with a rebuttal. He admits that Rock beat him last night….if you ignore Rock hitting a referee and Punk having him pinned for about 18 seconds. Cena says that for once this isn’t about CM Punk and he has to sit this one out.

Punk talks about how he was champion for 434 days so he should get another chance. Cena earned his shot in one single match and eliminated about four people to go to Wrestlemania. Also, Rock has already beaten Cena, so why would we want to see it again? Punk asks Cena to walk away and get out of his life but Cena of course says no.

John says Punk should be smart enough to know that Punk isn’t stupid enough to think Cena would hand away a golden ticket. Cena says Punk isn’t going to be handed a golden ticket, but Punk can earn it. If CM can beat him right here and right now, Punk can have the title show. Punk of course takes him up on it….just not here. Instead he wants it next week and Cena says cool.

We hear about Shield winning their six man tag last night.

Sheamus is talking about the loss last night but Ryback keeps walking in front of him. Getting annoyed, Sheamus yells at Ryback and suggests that he’s a mindless neanderthal like everyone says. A fight is about to break out but Jericho breaks it up. Chris says this is like the NWO or the Nexus and says they have to band together. Jericho proposes another six man tag and the monsters are in.

Sin Cara vs. Mark Henry

During Henry’s entrance we get some clips of Henry’s Hall of Pain. Henry pushes Cara down and stands on his back before hitting a running splash in the corner. Cara hits a quick kick to the head but a second is blocked and countered into a powerslam. The World’s Strongest Slam ends this at 1:33.

Post match Henry is beating up Cara even more but Khali comes out for the save. Despite Henry regularly destroying Khali in the past, Henry walks away without a fight. He also dances to Khali’s music a bit in a funny visual.

We get a clip of the end of the US Title match last night. Miz gets another rematch tonight in a No DQ match.

The Miz vs. Antonio Cesaro

This is No DQ and I believe non-title. Miz attacks quickly to start, but we head to the floor where Cesaro rams the injured shoulder into the post. The champion brings in a chair and a kendo stick to pound away on the badly injured Miz. After a fast rollup gets two for Miz, a kendo stick shot gets the same for Antonio. Cesaro uses the chair on the arm before putting on a fast arm hold. The bad shoulder is sent into a chair wedged in the corner but Cesaro misses a charge into said chair, hitting it knee first. That and the Figure Four are enough to give Miz the win at 3:40.

Rating: C-. I’m really not wild on the idea of Miz getting destroyed like that and then getting a fluke win out of nowhere. The match was way too short for a submission loss for the US Champion, especially to a guy like Miz. This clearly is setting up a rematch later on for the title, but why? Miz has lost twice, one of which was clean. Losing twice then winning twice doesn’t make you look good. It makes you look even.

We get a video from Zeb Coulter and Jack Swagger about how illegal immigrants here for a handout are ruining America. If the government won’t do anything, Coulter and Swagger will do it for them.

Daniel Bryan yells at Kane for attacking him last night and tonight it’s Bryan vs. Swagger. Kane is going to get a singles match of his own and neither wants the other to come out for their match. Kane says he doesn’t deal well with snakes, which gets the attention of Orton, who just happened to be standing behind them. Randy says Kane is more like Barney the Dinosaur now. Orton vs. Kane is teased for later.

Vickie is on the phone when Paul Heyman comes up. She makes fun of him for the stipulations meaning nothing last night and promises a huge announcement for later tonight. Heyman doesn’t like surprises, which is why she’s going to surprise him.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Dolph Ziggler

Ziggler starts fast but is sent to the apron where an enziguri puts him on the floor. We take a break with Del Rio standing tall in the ring. Back with Ziggler choking Del Rio on the ropes followed by a dropkick for two. Langston gets in a cheap shot which gives Dolph another near fall. The Fameasser gives Dolph another two count but he goes to the top and gets crotched down.

Alberto follows up with a reverse superplex to put both guys down. Del Rio wins a slugout and hits his low superkick for two. The cross armbreaker is countered into a neckbreaker by Dolph but Del Rio sends him into the corner and hits a Backstabber for two. The cross armbreaker gets the tap out 9:24.

Rating: C+. This was fine but again, Ziggler gets to get beaten up by the guy he is supposed to cash in on. This is the trap they lay for themselves: if they finally do give Ziggler the belt, why would the fans buy him as a legit threat? He’s lost to EVERYONE more than once and hardly ever wins anything anymore, so why would we buy him as champion? My guess is we wouldn’t, but he’s got the belt and that’s all that matters right?

Post match Langston lays out Del Rio with the Big Ending and Ziggler tries to cash in. Ricardo steals the case though and runs off with it, only to drop it while Big E. chases him. AJ hands it back to Dolph but Alberto hits an enziguri to lay Ziggler out. No cash-in.

Wade Barrett shows us a trailer of a movie he’s in called Dead Man Down. After the trailer, Sheamus pops up on screen to make fun of how small Barrett’s part is in the movie.

Lawler and Cole do a commercial for the new WWE toys.

Brodus Clay/Tensai vs. Epico/Primo/Rosa Mendes

The girls get us going here with Naomi taking over quickly. Primo and Tensai come in but Brodus scares Primo to the floor. Brodus comes in legally and the double splash is enough to pin Primo in 1:30.

Clip from the press conference announcing Wrestlemania coming to New Orleans.

Here are Swagger and Coulter for the State of the WWE. Swagger says he did what he did last night for America before turning the mic over to Coulter. Zeb talks about how it’s Presidents’ Day and they have the freedom of speech. If the people don’t like what’s being said, that’s too bad. Very true point. Coulter blames the problems of the union on illegal immigrants and says that Swagger can do something about it.

The title match at Wrestlemania isn’t just a title match. It’s a battle for America between a real American and a man who came to this country to reap the rewards of the motherland. Swagger is going to reclaim America from someone trying to steal it. Swagger shouts WE THE PEOPLE a lot until Daniel Bryan’s music cuts him off.

Daniel Bryan vs. Jack Swagger

We return from a commercial to see the match already in progress. Bryan fires off kicks to the leg to slow Swagger up a bit before hooking a kind of sunset flip for two. Swagger blocks a surfboard but Bryan goes to the arm to slow him down again. Jack sends him out tot he floor but gets dropkicked down by Bryan. Swagger comes right back by ramming Bryan’s taped ribs into the barricade.

Back inside and Swagger hits a running charge to crush Bryan in the corner again. A knee to the ribs puts bryan down again and the Vader Bomb out of the corner gets two. Bryan fights back and sends Jack to the floor where he hits a suicide dive to put both guys down. Back in again and a missile dropkick gets two for Bryan.

Daniel fires off a bunch of kicks but Swagger counters into a spinebuster. The cover is countered into the NO Lock but Swagger gets a rope. Bryan misses a running clothesline in the corner and hurts his ribs again, allowing for Swagger to start in on the ankle. A chop block takes the leg out and the Patriot Lock (not Act) gets the tap out at 8:07 shown.

Rating: C+. The match was fine but I couldn’t stand the lack of psychology at the end. Why in the world would Swagger need to go to the ankle lock when Bryan had bad ribs? Swagger had worked on the ribs for the entire match but then has to go for the ankle to end the match. The fact that Jack has a move that works on the ribs (gutwrench powerbomb) makes this even worse. I can’t stand it and it happens far too often.

Here are Heyman and Vickie in the ring for Vickie’s announcement. Vickie announces her new assistant: Brad Maddox. Brad comes out to talk about how he got this job from Vince himself because he exposed the relationship between Heyman and the Shield. Heyman goes to leave but Vince pops up on screen to say not so fast.

Actually that’s not the surprise for Heyman. Vince asks about the stipulations in the title match last night and we get a clip of Heyman saying he would do anything to get those rules in place. Vince says anything means anything, so he could fire Paul right now. McMahon doesn’t do it yet because next week, Heyman and Vince are going to have a fight.

We see Cena and Punk’s challenge from earlier tonight.

Chris Jericho/Sheamus/Ryback vs. Shield

Ryback starts by launching Rollins into the corner and firing away shoulders. Jericho tries to calm him down before beating on Ambrose for a bit. A suplex puts Dean down and it’s off to Sheamus vs. Reigns. Sheamus pounds him down and sends him into the corner for a running knee lift. White Noise hits but Rollins pulls Reigns out of the ring before the Brogue Kick. Sheamus kicks Ambrose to the floor instead as we take a break.

Back with Reigns holding Sheamus in a chinlock. That doesn’t last long as it’s off to Rollins for some stomping in the corner. Reigns comes back in for more of the same but Sheamus fights back with a clothesline. A double tag brings in Ryback to face Rollins and it’s power moves all around. There’s the Meat Hook but Reigns spears Ryback down to break up Shell Shock again, but it only gets two. The fans cheer for Jericho as Ambrose keeps beating on Ryback. Rollins comes back in and stomps away a bit more for two.

Dean comes back in with a neckbreaker for two and it’s back to Reigns. Roman misses a splash in the corner and gets caught on the top rope, allowing Ryback to make the hot tag to Jericho. He gets to fight Ambrose but has to dropkick Rollins down as well. The bulldog takes Ambrose down and there’s the Lionsault for two. The Walls are countered into a small package for two as Reigns sends Ryback into the post. Jericho hooks the Walls on Ambrose and Sheamus takes out Reigns but it distracts the referee. Rollins kicks Jericho from the top rope for the pin at 13:31.

Rating: B-. Another solid match by Shield, who could be just fine taking out random three man combinations. They’ve been kept VERY strong so far and using them sparingly is the best idea the company could have had. This furthers the issues between Ryback and Sheamus and/or Jericho which could make for an interesting Mania fight. Good stuff here.

Kofi Kingston vs. Damien Sandow

Before the match Sandow says today is President’s Day, which Sandow holds close to his heart. Apparently members of his family have served as advisers to Presidents, including his great grandfather who came up with the idea of the New Deal. Sandow jumps Kofi before the match and it’s a big fight. Kingston’s shoulder is sent into the post and keeps up the beating until R-Truth returns and beats up Sandow.

Josh talks to the same two actors from G.I. Joe 2 that he spoke to last night. This leads to a clip from the movie.

Randy Orton vs. Kane

Kane runs him over with a shoulder to start and we stop and stare for a bit. Orton goes after the arm but gets punched out to the floor as we take a break. Back with Kane holding Orton in a chinlock and getting two off a big boot. A DDT gets the same and Kane is getting frustrated. Back to the chinlock but Orton fights up and hits some punches in the corner followed by a dropkick.

Kane fights back with a low dropkick of his own and we hit the chinlock for the third time. Both guys hit a variety of a slam (Power for Randy, side for Kane) but Kane misses the top rope clothesline. Kane takes Randy down again and loads up the chokeslam but here’s Bryan for a distraction. Orton and the RKO finish this at 9:33.

Rating: D. I’m a Kane fan but this was a pretty lame match. When you have three chinlocks seen in a less than ten minute match, it’s pretty clear that you don’t have much to do out there. This match kept going on and on which made for a very dull match overall. Orton was basically just a warm body out there instead of anyone of importance. Bad match.

Rock is played to the ring for his Championship Celebration by a university marching band. That’s pretty cool indeed. Rock talks about how much of a coward Punk showed himself to be by spitting in Rock’s face last night, but Rock pinned him anyway. Rock says that he’s going to Wrestlemania, but he’s not going with this title. There’s a table set up next to him with something under a blanket. Rock talks about the current belt being introduced eight years ago and some people thought it looked cool. Then again some people think Bigfoot is real so take that for what it’s worth. Also, the belt should never spin.

Rock hands a stagehand the belt and says take it to the Hall of Fame. He talks about the greats that have held the world title over the years (biggest pop might have been for Bret actually) before unveiling the new belt. It looks like the US Title shape but has a big WWE logo in the middle and Brahma Bulls on the sides. I’ve seen worse.

Moving on though, Rock says he has to face someone at Wrestlemania. The fans seem more interested in Rock vs. Cena II, so here’s Cena to the stage. Punk pops up from behind and hits Cena in the back with the old belt, laying him out. Rock is ready to fight but Punk walks away to end the show.

Overall Rating: B-. The show was certainly entertaining but these Raws after a PPV are tough to sit through. Six hours in two days is just WAY too much time and I was getting tired halfway through the show. That being said, it was still an entertaining show and a lot of stuff was done, which is the most important part. Next week’s show looks big, which shows the stupidity of what WWE does most of the time: why don’t they announce something for next week more often? You very rarely hear something like this anymore, which makes no sense given how easy it is to do. Just be patient and things will be better.

Results

Mark Henry b. Sin Cara – World’s Strongest Slam

The Miz b. Antonio Cesaro – Figure Four

Alberto Del Rio b. Dolph Ziggler – Cross Armbreaker

Jack Swagger b. Daniel Bryan – Patriot Lock

Shield b. Chris Jericho/Ryback/Sheamus – Ambrose pinned Jericho after a top rope kick from Rollins

Randy Orton b. Kane – RKO

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new ebook of 1998 Monday Night Raw Reviews on Amazon at:

……I have no idea what I just witnessed but I couldn’t stop looking at it.

Royal Rumble 2001
Date: January 21, 2001
Location: New Orleans Arena, New Orleans, Louisiana
Attendance: 16,056
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

Austin is back and that’s by far the biggest change from last year. He’s been on a warpath after Rikishi and I think HHH for running him down last year. Other than that there isn’t much going on in the Rumble. We also have Angle defending against HHH and Jericho vs. Benoit with twenty minutes and a ladder. I think we’ll have another solid show here. Let’s get to it.

The opening video is what you would expect: one out of thirty will win and the rest will fall.

Tag Titles: Edge and Christian vs. Dudley Boys

The Canadians have the titles and the Dudleys have concussions. It’s a brawl to start with the champions trying to bail very quickly. We wind up with Edge vs. D-Von to start as the challenger gets two off a neckbreaker. Off to Christian who is elbowed down for two of his own. Bubba comes in as Jerry makes fun of the Dudleys’ injuries. A side slam gets two on Christian and it’s off to D-Von vs. Edge again.

Christian finally goes for the back of D-Von’s injured head to give Edge control and we get into the meat of the match. Christian gets the tag and starts pounding away on D-Von’s head, followed by a neckbreaker from Edge for two. After a quick chinlock Edge hits a neckbreaker for two more as Bubba looks like he’s about to cry. Since it’s a Dudleys match, the fans want tables. Lawler wants gumbo.

D-Von breaks up a spike piledriver for reasons of wanting to stay alive, catapulting Edge into Christian. Edge and D-Von clothesline each other and the referee misses the ensuing hot tag. A Conchairto misses D-Von and there’s the seen hot tag to Bubba. A pair of hot shots takes down a pair of Canadians and there’s a Bubba Bomb to Christian. What’s Up hits Edge but wouldn’t that hurt D-Von’s head even more?

D-Von goes to get a table and the distraction lets Edge get a title belt. Bubba ducks the shot and gets a VERY close two off a rollup. 3D is broken up by a spear to Bubba and a DDT to D-Von but Bubba kicks out again. The champions try What’s Up but the Dudleys escape and the 3D on Edge gives us new champions.

Rating: B. This is one of those annoying matches where it’s really good and therefore there’s nothing to make fun of. These guys had some of the best tag matches the WWF has ever seen and this was no exception, with all four guys looking great out there. Notice something about Edge and Christian and the Hardys: they came from tag teams but they were allowed to grow up in said tag teams, meaning once they made the transition to singles matches they had a far easier time. That NEVER happens today which is why tag teams don’t make good singles wrestlers anymore. The crowd is white hot tonight too.

Drew Carey is here. He’s promoting an improv comedy PPV and somehow got in the WWE HOF out of it.

Vince says Austin will be in the Rumble despite what happened on Smackdown with HHH. What actually happened isn’t mentioned but whatever.

HHH tells Stephanie to not come to the ring with her tonight but she says she’ll be there to take care of Trish. Drew Carey comes in and pleasantries are exchanged. He talks about meeting Kamala in an airport and plugs his PPV a bit. Drew seems cool here at least. Stephanie offers to introduce him to Trish for some reason.

The APA shows each other their Rumble numbers. Crash comes in and says he’ll throw them both out even though they’re friends.

We recap Jericho vs. Benoit. Do you really need an explanation here? They suplex each other a lot and fight over the IC Title so tonight it’s a ladder match with Benoit defending. Oh and Benoit has hurt Jericho’s arm.

Intercontinental Title: Chris Benoit vs. Chris Jericho

It’s a slugout to start with Jericho getting a very early advantage. Benoit tries the Crossface but has to escape the Walls instead. Jericho misses a charge and hits the post before missing the springboard dropkick and crashing to the floor. Benoit posts him and goes for the ladder but stops to send Jericho into the steps. We’re only three minutes into the match though so Jericho stops Benoit’s climb. A ladder shot to the face puts Benoit down and the referee tells them they have thirteen minutes left.

Jericho lays the ladder across the top rope and of course goes face first into it as a result. Good to see that even Canadians follow the first law of wrestling. Benoit tries a suicide dive but Jericho puts up a chair, causing Benoit massive head trauma. Jericho tries to ride the ladder from the apron onto Benoit on the barricade but the other Chris moves out of the way. A ladder to the face stops Jericho again and now Benoit swings a chair.

Back in and Benoit loads up a ladder in the corner before ramming Jericho face first into it. Jericho gets up and puts the ladder in the corner again before tying Benoit’s legs between the rungs for a kind of Russian legsweep off the middle rope. Benoit comes right back with a dropkick to send the ladder into Jericho’s face and a hard belly to back suplex. The ladder is placed on the top rope again and Benoit’s face is whipped into it HARD. Jericho immediately follows up by see-sawing the ladder into Benoit’s face. Almost every one of these shots would be classified as FREAKING OW MAN.

A missile dropkick puts Benoit down again but he saves a climb attempt by Jericho. Benoit suplexes Jericho out to the floor and both guys are down again. Benoit goes up again but has to stop to kick Jericho away. Jericho gets up anyway and bends Benoit backwards into the Walls ON TOP OF THE LADDER. Benoit falls on his head but still kicks the ladder over to stop Jericho. AWESOME sequence there.

Jericho drills him with the ladder and goes up, but Benoit immediately pulls him down into the Crossface. Jericho taps out but it means nothing other than pleasure for Benoit here. Benoit sends him shoulder first into the post but Jericho comes back by sending Benoit face first into the ladder. The ladder is moved to the corner and both guys climb, resulting in Jericho being superplexed back down.

The Swan Dive hits the mat though and Benoit is in big trouble. Jericho puts the ladder on top of Benoit’s ribs, but the champion shoves it over anyway from the mat, sending Jericho face first into the buckle and out to the floor. Benoit goes up again but gets shoved out to the floor, allowing Jericho to sprint up the ladder and win the title.

Rating: A+. Take two Canadians, give them a ladder and 19 minutes and this is what you should expect. These two beat on each other HARD and the match was excellent as a result. They came up with some new stuff while mixing in basic stuff like HIT THE GUY IN THE FACE WITH A LADDER but it was so intense that it became a classic. Check this one out.

Drew hits on Trish but she says no because she’s involved with someone. Vince comes in and isn’t exactly cool with Drew being around Trish. More PPV plugging ensues and Vince says to promote the PPV, Drew should be in the Royal Rumble. Drew says sure why not.

Billy Gunn is worried about Chyna hurting her neck again in the next match.

Jericho says he proved Benoit wrong.

We recap Chyna vs. Ivory. The RTC (Ivory’s censorship group) hurt Chyna’s neck with a spike piledriver and tonight is about revenge. This forces us to sit through Chyna trying to be emotional.

Women’s Title: Chyna vs. Ivory

Ivory is defending here. Chyna immediately runs her over with a pair of clotheslines and a toss around by the hair. Stomping ensues and Chyna knocks her out to the floor. They head into the crowd so Chyna gorilla presses her right back to ringside. Back in and Steven Richards gets beaten up as well. In an ending to set up Wrestlemania, Chyna tries the Muta Handspring Elbow but hurts her neck (on the softest bump in the corner you’ll see in years) and Ivory gets the pin to retain.

Rating: D. Ivory was squashed until the end when she won off an injury. What are you expecting from a match like this? This was designed to get more attention on Chyna because no female could conceivably beat her, so making her Women’s Champion for her Playboy hype wouldn’t do much good. Nothing to see here at all unless you’re a fan of Chyna in leather.

Chyna gets looked at by Lawler, Gunn and medics, resulting in a stretcher job.

Trish and Stephanie run into each other and still don’t get along. I can’t decide if Chyna or Stephanie is a worse actress.

Drew Carey gets some gear and talks to Kane. Nothing funny is said and much glaring ensues.

Low Down, as in Headbanger Mosh and D’Lo Brown doing an Arab comedy gimmick (don’t ask) is told that the Rumble spot they won earlier on Heat will be going to Drew Carey. See, THIS is a good use of a celebrity. Who cares if Mosh or Brown isn’t in the Rumble? Carey isn’t exactly a huge star, but he’s more interesting than either of those two. He promotes his PPV, the WWF gets some publicity, life is good.

Fans at WWF New York talk about the world title match.

HHH breathes a lot.

We recap Angle vs. HHH. Angle is on the roll of a lifetime to begin a career, having won the title from the Rock and defended it against Undertaker. HHH got the shot through some corruption and says he’s allowed Angle to be champion this long. Trish is playing both sides of the field, being in Kurt’s corner tonight but obviously sleeping with Vince, who is on HHH’s side at the moment. Stephanie couldn’t act, but dang she looked good in leather pants while she argued with Trish.

WWF World Title: HHH vs. Kurt Angle

Angle is defending. They trade wristlocks to start with Angle taking it to the mat before HHH takes it to the corner. A clothesline puts HHH on the floor as things slow down early. Back in and Angle escapes a suplex and hits three of his own for a near fall. HHH bails tot he floor and gets punched for his efforts, but he manages to send Angle into the barricade to slow things down.

Back in and HHH takes Angle to the mat which isn’t likely his best option. Since it’s a HHH match, we go old school with an Indian Deathlock. A dragon screw leg whip puts Angle down again but as he loads up another one, Angle takes him down with an enziguri for two. Kurt comes back with a whip to send HHH over the corner and out to the floor. This is slow to start but they have a ton of time.

They slug it out on the floor and HHH goes into the steps. Angle punches him around a bit more until a Stephanie distraction lets HHH crack Angle’s knee with a chair. Still good psychology so far and I’m digging the pace. We get our first Flair move as HHH hits a knee crusher onto the steps. They head back inside after about three minutes on the floor and HHH cranks on the knee even more.

Off to an inverted Indian Deathlock because we can’t quite reach the 80s yet. The facebuster gets two for HHH and it’s time for a bad looking Figure Four, although at least it’s on the correct leg. Trish interferes to try to break it up and we get a catfight on the Spanish announce table. Vince comes down to break it up as we completely stop watching the match. Vince carries Trish away but Stephanie pulls her off her dad’s shoulder. We haven’t seen anything in the ring for about two minutes now.

We FINALLY return to the match for a small package for two for Angle before it’s back to the knee. HHH gets kicked into the buckle and Angle grabs a DDT for two. A Russian legsweep looks to set up the moonsault but HHH hits him low to block. HHH busts out a Razor’s Edge out of the corner of all things for two. I’ve never seen him use that other than here. The Pedigree is countered into a slingshot into the post and Angle headbutts HHH in the crotch to boot.

Now the moonsault hits (I’m as shocked as you are) but he hurts his knee in the process. It only gets two as a result and Angle heads to the floor to walk his knee out. HHH dives off the apron and takes out Hebner by mistake. Angle goes into the post and we head back in where Angle runs the ropes (selling the knee? What’s that?) for an armdrag off the top. Angle tries to get Hebner up but HHH rams Angle into Hebner, sending Earl into the steps as a result.

HHH grabs the belt but Angle counters into an overhead belly to belly. Now Kurt gets the belt but HHH blocks into a Pedigree for no cover. Austin runs out and beats on HHH before hitting him in the face with the belt. He throws Hebner back inside but Angle is still down. A Stunner puts the bloody HHH down and Angle gets a VERY delayed pin to retain the title.

Rating: B. This was good but the overbooking brings it way down. Basically you have two matches here with the dividing line being the Vince/girls stuff. The match was starting off as a great psychological battle and it turned into an Attitude Era main event which it just didn’t need to be. This was disappointing after the way the match started.

Rikishi (#30) and Undertaker warm up for the Rumble.

Rock talks about how the Rumble is like a big bowl of jambalaya. As for Kane and Undertaker possibly being together, he doesn’t really care if they want to give each other a box of chocolates or kick each others’ faces in, because Rocky is throwing them both out. It could come down to Rock vs. Bull Buchanan, Rock vs. Perry Saturn, or Rock vs. Steve Austin, but either way he’s going to Wrestlemania. Rocky was feeling it here.

Rumbly hype video, where there are a legit high number of possible winners. Austin is the favorite but it’s not 100% as long as Rocky is in there. This is also one of the last years where they really pushed the idea that ANYONE could win.

Royal Rumble

Jeff Hardy is #1 and Bull Buchanan is #2. Bull charges into the ring and the beating is on fast. Jeff fights back and goes up top before hitting a headscissors. The intervals are two minutes again this year if you care about those kinds of things. They slug it out in the corner with no one getting an advantage until Matt Hardy is #3. Poetry in Motion and a double clothesline quickly dispatch Bull, so the Hardys fight for awhile.

The clock starts so the Hardys stop brawling as Faarooq is #4. Things don’t go any better for Faarooq than they did for Buchanan, resulting in a Twist of Fate and Swanton to knock him out as well. Jeff poses and Matt tries to dump him, resulting in some friction. Matt wins a slugout but gets caught by a Whisper in the Wind. Drew Carey is #5 and he wisely stands at ringside as the Hardys eliminate each other off the corner.

Drew is the only one left standing and the crowd seems amused. Then Kane is #6. JR: “Oh my God oh my God oh my God.” Drew begs the Hardys to get back in as Kane stalks him. After about a minute, Kane gets in and Drew offers a handshake and then cash. Kane grabs Drew by the throat until Raven is #7. Drew wisely eliminates himself, high fives some fans and bails. This was perfectly fine as he was in there like 3 minutes and gave us a decently funny moment. Also he seemed to enjoy being there which is more than I can say for most celebrities. Good stuff.

Anyway, Raven pounds on Kane with a kendo stick and a fire extinguisher blast. Al Snow jumps the gun at #8 to pound on Raven who eliminated him recently. Snow legally comes in a few seconds later with trashcans and lids, followed by a bowling ball which goes into Raven’s crotch. Big gasp from the crowd for that one. JR: “It looks like a hurricane has blown through New Orleans.”

Snow and Raven pound away on Kane with everything they can find before FINALLY taking him down with a double drop toehold into a trashcan. Perry Saturn is #9 and goes after Kane’s knee which is pretty stupid in a battle royal. Everyone takes their shots at Kane and some triple teaming finally gets him to his knees. Steve Blackman with his hardcore fighting sticks is #10 as the hardcore segment continues.

Things slow down a bit as they are known to do in hardcore matches until Grandmaster Sexay is #11. Kane finds a trashcan and explodes, eliminating everyone in about thirty seconds. Honky Tonk Man, Lawler’s second straight relative, is #12. He brings his guitar and starts to sing until Kane destroys the guitar over his head and gets his sixth elimination in a row.

Kane is standing tall so here’s the Rock at #13 for our first big showdown. Rock goes off with punches and a jumping clothesline but Kane blocks the elimination attempt. Rock keeps pounding but runs into a big boot to put him down. Goodfather is #14 and Rock eliminates him after two punches. Kane pounds him down again, prompting JR to say “Kane is a carnivore chewing on a big piece of Rock Burger.” Lawler: “…..Rock Burger?” Tazz is #15 and lasts even less time than Goodfather.

Rock and Kane slug it out for a bit until Rock hits a Samoan Drop. Both guys are down until Bradshaw is #16. He’s cool with fighting both guys and hits the Clothesline on Rock. Rock comes back with the spinebuster but Kane clotheslines Rock down to take over again. Albert is #17 to keep up the size and power trend. Albert and Bradshaw pair off as do the other two guys but we can’t get an elimination.

Hardcore Holly is #18 as Albert hits the chokebomb on Bradshaw. A bicycle kick from Albert puts Kane down in a pretty impressive looking move. Rock tries do dump Kane but the dude in the mask stays in. K-Kwik (R-Truth) is #19 and is immediately slammed down by Bradshaw. Nothing of note happens until Val Venis is #20. The ring is getting full now with Kane, Rock, Bradshaw, Albert, Holly, K-Kwik and Venis.

Rock powerslams Kwik down and William Regal is #21. He also beats up Kwik who isn’t having a good night so far. Nothing of note happens again until Test is #22. He immediately knocks out Regal before pounding away on Albert. Big Show makes his return from a trip to OVW to try (and fail) to lose weight. He clotheslines Test out and dumps Kwik as well. Everyone not named Rock gets chokeslammed as Rock kicks Show low and eliminates him for the second year in a row.

As Crash Holly is #24, Big Show seemingly turns heel and chokeslams Rock through the announce table. Everyone goes after Kane and Undertaker is #25, meaning it’s finally time to get rid of some of these guys. The Brothers clear the ring other than the two of them and Rock left on the floor. The tall guys stare each other down and Scotty 2 Hotty is #26. Not exactly the brightest guy in the world, Scotty gets inside and is gone in about 45 seconds.

Austin is #27 but HHH runs out to avenge the earlier interference. Rock climbs in as the Brothers watch Austin get beaten up on the floor. Austin is busted open as Taker beats on Rock off camera. Billy Gunn is #28 to save Rock for some reason. Taker DDTs Rock down as HHH leaves. Haku, as in Meng, the reigning WCW Hardcore Champion, is #29. He goes right for Taker and pounds him into the corner and everyone pairs off. Rikishi is #30, giving us a final group of Rikishi, Haku, Rock, Austin, Undertaker, Kane and Billy Gunn.

Rikishi gets in a fight with Austin on the floor and everyone is in the ring now. Austin dumps Haku as Taker ERUPTS on Rikishi. A chokeslam puts Rikishi down but a pair of headbutts go badly for the Dead Man. Rikishi superkicks Undertaker out in a pretty big upset. As impressive as that was for him, he tries the Banzai Drop on Rock and deserves the elimination he gets.

We’re down to four with Kane, Austin, Rock and Gunn. Gee I wonder which one is going out first. Gunn escapes the Stunner and hits the Fameasser on Austin but gets thrown out anyway a few seconds later. Rock DDTs Kane down as Austin chills in the corner. Rock and Austin lock eyes and the fight is on. That’s Wrestlemania people. The spit punch drops a weakened Austin but he escapes the Rock Bottom. The Stunner hits but Austin stops to go after Kane and charges into a Rock Bottom.

Kane gets back up and gets sent through the ropes by Rock, leaving Rock vs. Austin for the moment. They slug it out some more and fight for an elimination, but Kane comes back in and dumps Rock in a shocker. That also gives Kane the record for most eliminations in a Rumble at 11. Austin kicks Kane low to put both guys down and Kane bails to the floor. Kane brings in a chair but walks into a Stunner. About four chair shots and a clothesline send Austin to the main event of the best show ever.

Rating: B+. It’s not as good as last year but it was awesome for the most part with some BIG star power out there. They did a great job of keeping you guessing until the end as Rocky winning here was a very legitimate possibility. Austin is back from his surgery and back where he was before, which is exactly what he needed to do. Very good Rumble with some nice surprises.

Overall Rating: A. While it’s not quite as great as last year, this is pretty easily the second best Rumble so far. The ladder match is excellent and the Rumble is quite good as well. The world title match is great too and there’s a solid opening tag match on top of that. The Women’s Title match sucks but it’s less than four minutes long. Great show again, but things would be coming down soon.

Ratings Comparison

Dudley Boys vs. Edge and Christian

Original: B-

Redo: B

Chris Jericho vs. Chris Benoit

Original: A

Redo: A+

Ivory vs. Chyna

Original: N/A

Redo: D

Kurt Angle vs. HHH

Original: B

Redo: B

Royal Rumble

Original: B

Redo: B+

Overall Rating

Original: A

Redo: A

I’m surprised that I liked it that much less last time. Still a great show.

Here’s the original review if you’re interested:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2011/01/20/royal-rumble-count-up-2001-drew-carey-could-go-to-wrestlemania/

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews

Monday Night Raw
Date: January 13, 2003
Location: Mohegan Sun Casino, Uncasville, Connecticut
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

It’s the go home show for the Rumble and things aren’t looking up at all. We’ve got Steiner vs. HHH for the title on Sunday, along with a bunch of Raw guys in the Rumble who shouldn’t even bother showing up. As for tonight, expect more from HHH and Steiner without them actually having physical contact because it might keep people from wanting to buy the show. Let’s get to it.

I’ve already done the following week’s Raw and the review is available at the end if you’re interested.

We open with Morely and Bischoff worrying about Vince being here. Some referees come up and complain about being mistreated. The word strike is being mentioned. Oh this story. I was hoping to forget it but it rears its head again. Morely leaves with them to smooth things over when Steiner comes up, saying he wants to fight HHH tonight. Instead, Bischoff makes it a bench press contest. Steiner yells, sounding exactly like his brother. Bischoff wants a controversy free show. Uh….doesn’t that make the show boring?

Women’s Title: Trish Stratus vs. Victoria vs. Jacqueline

Victoria is defending and this is hardcore for no apparent reason. I always forget how great Victoria looked back in this era. She has Steven Richards with him here still which I’m sure will play into the ending. There are trashcans full of weapons in each corner. Victoria finds a cardboard standup of Trish which she tears up to get heat. Trish is quickly taken down and Jackie botches a headscissors on the champ.

Trish beats up Victoria and Steven with a kendo stick but gets slammed onto a trashcan lid. The champ misses a moonsault and Jackie gets the most silent near falls you will ever hear. Steven trips both challengers and misses a trashcan lid shot to Trish but it’s close enough for Victoria to retain the title. This was one of the worst matches I can remember in YEARS with Jackie’s parts being eerily silent. It’s too short to rate but this would set some kind of record for worst rating in years.

Richards DDTs Trish post match and but Hurricane of all people makes the save.

The Dudleys come up to yell at Morely and Bischoff because of everything he’s put them through lately. Morely tries to play tough guy and gets beaten up, so Bischoff fires the Dudleys. Eric fires them so they threaten to go to Smackdown, which gets them rehired but suspended without pay. They would get the tag titles back on Sunday anyway, making this entire segment entirely pointless.

Maven/Test vs. D’Lo Brown/Christopher Nowitski

Test gets double teamed to start until Chris gets to pound on him a bit. Again Test gets double teamed but has a bit better success this time and brings in Maven who winds up getting caught in a spinebuster by Nowitski. Brown gets two off a flapjack and it’s back to Nowitski. Maven gets beaten down even more as this is going NOWHERE. Cold tag brings in Test and house is cleaned but Chris saves Brown from a pumphandle powerslam. The big boot misses Brown and sends Test to the floor before Maven walks into the Sky High. He isn’t legal though so Test comes in and kicks Brown’s head off for the pin.

Rating: F+. Stacy looked great in the dress and that’s the extent of anything positive about this match. Other than that, there was NOTHING going on here at all with four guys that no one cared about having a boring match. That basically sums up Raw in a single sentence: a bunch of boring matches that no one cares about.

Eric greets a limo but it has Mean Gene inside. He’s here to plug the Tenth Anniversary of Raw tomorrow night (that’s coming), and for no apparent reason this aired during a commercial. Gene takes a jab at Nitro and that’s it. Jericho comes up and wants to be #1 in the Rumble but gets shot down for no apparent reason. Yeah expect to hear the words “for no apparent reason” a lot in 2003.

Regal rips on Jerry Lawler’s book.

Jerry Lawler vs. William Regal

Before the match, Regal reads a passage from Jerry’s book. The bell rings and Regal has to be checked for a weapon. For some reason that takes three referees. They find brass knuckles and check Storm as well, finding ANOTHER pair of knuckles. Storm gets ejected and Lawler pulls a chain out of his boot. He knocks Regal out cold and gets caught for a DQ. The punch was the only contact of the “match.” I’ve got FIFTY MORE WEEKS of this show.

Royal Rumble Qualifying Match: Raven vs. Jeff Hardy

Raven has trunks and a BIG haircut now. Bird Boy gets a fast two as does Jeff in a feeling out process. I can barely recognize Raven like this. Jeff charges at Raven and they fall to the floor. Back in and Raven takes over by going after the leg which is a new thing for him. Jeff fights him off but misses a fast moonsault which gets two for Raven. Off to a spinning toe hold on Hardy but Jeff comes back with a mule kick. The jawbreaker slows Raven down and there’s a spinwheel kick. They botch….something, resulting in Jeff getting sent into the buckle in a slingshot. Hardy blocks the DDT and hits Raven’s legs with the Swanton for the pin.

Rating: D. Raven would be gone in a week which is a shame because Hardy looked horrible here. He was missing almost whatever he tried while Raven was trying to throw in some psychology to keep things coherent. Terrible match and Jeff would be cone in about three months due to burnout. Well that and not showing up to a lot of shows.

Vince arrives and talks to Orton for a few seconds. The shoulder is at 94%.

Sean O’Haire talks about cheating on your wife in the Devil’s Advocate gimmick. Sweet goodness that thing had potential, but what the people were wanting was Roddy Piper vs. Rikishi right?

Here’s Vince with an announcement but the Dudleys come out sans music. They respect Vince but think Eric is a piece of crap. Vince doesn’t like being interrupted….so he lifts their suspension and gives them a title shot at the Rumble. To recap, in an hour they’ve been fired, rehired, suspended, reinstated and given a title shot. Vince wants to see tables on Sunday.

He tries to make the announcement again but Jericho cuts him off. Jericho sucks up to Vince but Vince proposes that Jericho SHUT UP. Basically Jericho wants to be #1 in the Rumble but Eric won’t let him, so Vince says the winner of the over the top challenge tonight gets to pick whatever spot he wants in the Rumble except #1, which goes to Shawn. For some reason, that makes a difference to Jericho but he leaves anyway.

For the third time now Vince tries to make an announcement but Eric interrupts him. Vince yells at him and says that he wants to say something about the tenth anniversary show. Since Eric can’t control his roster though, maybe it’s time for a public job evaluation. Vince things Eric has been doing a good job but that’s not why he was hired. Eric was hired to shake up Raw but he hasn’t done that. Vince: “I hired you to grab Raw by the throat and choke it until it spit up a phlegm that got all over everybody.” Eric has thirty days to change Raw, which wound up being Austin returning. If not, Eric is fired.

Post break, Eric begs Vince for more time and says no one can do this job perfectly. Vince says someone can and Shane McMahon pops out of the limo.

Booker T vs. Lance Storm

Booker takes over to stat with a slam and a knee drop to the chest but Storm gets in a few shots in the corner to take over. Booker comes back with his spinning sunset flip out of the corner for one, only to have to escape the Sharpshooter attempt. A hook kick to Storm’s face gets two and it’s off to an armbar. Storm whips him into the corner for two and gets the same off a backbreaker. We hit the chinlock to kill some time before Booker makes his comeback with a bunch of chops. The side kick misses and the referee goes down without any contact. Not that it matters as the Dudleys run in for the DQ.

Rating: D+. That’s likely good for match of the night. The Dudleys getting a title shot doesn’t make a ton of sense, especially when Goldust and Booker got screwed out of the titles just a week before this. But then again, it worked three years ago so clearly it can work now too right? The match was another dull one.

Some Smackdown guys are at The World, which is the WWE version of WWF New York.

Steven Richards vs. Hurricane

Set up earlier, meaning Trish and Victoria are with the guys here. Steven’s suplex is countered and Hurricane takes him down with a clothesline. Hurricane hits the Blockbuster (minus most of the flip) and the Eye of the Hurricane for the pin in less than 90 seconds. The girls are fighting on the floor and Trish gets beaten down.

Post match Trish kicks Victoria down. What was the point of this again?

Nathan Jones is coming. He wouldn’t last long.

We run down the Rumble card.

It’s time for the Bench Press Challenge. Each guy gets three reps and the best max wins. Steiner comes out and brags about winning everything HHH has thrown at him. He says put 585lbs on to start and we take a break. Post break here’s the champion in a suit. Instead of going to the bench press area by the stage, he goes to the ring to talk.

HHH says that he’s been planing games with Steiner (DUH) and that Scott is just another guy who is coming to try to knock HHH off the top. Just like Rock, Austin, Hogan, Undertaker and everyone else, he’ll lose. Steiner says let’s fight and eventually strips HHH down to his underwear. The match was going to suck and everyone knew it.

Kane vs. Batista vs. Chris Jericho vs. Rob Van Dam

This is a four man battle royal and the winner gets to pick their number on Sunday. The power guys pair off as do the other two with Van Dam going shoulder first into the post. Batista and Jericho team up on Kane but Van Dam makes the save. Kane kicks Batista in the face before having a staredown with Van Dam. Instead Kane chokeslams Jericho and goes Hi/Low on Batista with Van Dam.

Rob kicks Jericho’s face off but Batista goes off on everyone and spears Kane down. Jericho hits Kane low and Batista clotheslines the tall guy out. Chris tries to put Batista out and gets powerbombed for his efforts. Van Dam kicks Batista out but Batista breaks up the Five Star, allowing Jericho to get the win.

Rating: D. This was a lot of standing around for about six minutes and then thirty seconds of action at the end. Having a match to pick anything other than the 30^th spot is pretty stupid as WHY WOULD YOU WANT ANYTHING BUT THIRTY??? Bad match with a stupid premise, which I’m sure you’ll hear a lot more of.

Jericho picks #2 like an idiot, only to have Shawn come out and throw Jericho over the top to end the show with a TON of pyro.

Overall Rating: D-. What in the name of all things good and holy have I gotten myself into? This was HORRIBLE, with absolutely no good matches and a stupid major segment that wound up being nothing but a HHH promo and a lame brawl. After the Rumble, things have to get better. Mania 19 was considered a classic so things have to get better leading up to that……right? Right? Someone please tell me that’s right so I don’t sob uncontrollably.

Here’s the Rumble if you’re interested:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2011/01/22/royal-rumble-count-up-2003-best-match-ever/

Here’s the January 20^th Raw if you’re interested:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2012/01/21/monday-night-raw-january-20-2003-whoever-requested-this-start-running-now/

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews

As I said in the start of the 1997 series, there’s no need to wait to get this year over with. In short, this is probably the worst year for Raw ever, with Evolution dominating the show from February through the end of the year and making no one but themselves happy. Other than that….there’s nothing. Seriously, Evolution DOMINATES this year of Raw and it’s nothing I’m looking forward to doing. We’ll do looking at two shows each time here as usual. Let’s get to it.

Monday Night Raw
Date: January 6, 2003
Location: America West Arena, Phoenix, Arizona
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

We’re less than two weeks away from the Rumble and I believe Scott Steiner has been announced as the challenger. If not then that’ll come tonight, but I’m pretty sure he’s called out HHH and the stupid contests have started. The theory was that the two of them were kept apart to build intrigue, but the reality likely was that WWE was scared of people seeing how bad Steiner was. Let’s get to it.

The opening video is about HHH saying that he’s not afraid of Steiner. Last week the Game called Steiner out and we got an arm wrestling match. Steiner let HHH get an early advantage then smiled at him like an evil villain. Yeah for reasons that were never fathomed, WWE brought in Scott Steiner, one of the most insane heels ever, as a top face. 2003 was a stupid year.

I miss Across the Nation.

Tonight it’s a POSE DOWN! Geez didn’t they get that this sucked from Warrior and Rude?

The Dudleys come out for a match but here are Eric Bischoff and his Chief of Staff Morely (Val Venis). Eric promises changes for this year, including one in the attitude. We get a clip of JR/Lawler vs. Lance Storm/William Regal which saw JR get beaten down until the Dudleys made the save, hit a 3D on Regal, and give JR the pin. Eric says that he won’t be disrespected like that, so the Dudleys get to have a No DQ handicap match.

3 Minute Warning/Rico/Batista vs. Dudley Boys

Flair is with Batista too so it’s basically 5-2. Jamal gets backdropped to the floor as Batista hangs out on the floor. I wonder if D-Von and Batista’s past will be mentioned. There’s a fast 3D to Rico but the stupid Dudleys don’t cover him, allowing Batista to come in and clean house. Bubba gets sent to the floor and Chief Morely gets in some shots of his own. Everyone not named Batista beats on Bubba on the floor and there’s a spinebuster to D-Von.

Bischoff and Morely come into the ring and demand that the referee counts D-Von, but Batista pulls him up at two. Bubba gets back in but walks into a suplex from Rosey. Now Flair gets in and puts Bubba in the Figure Four as Jamal hits a top rope splash for good measure. D-Von takes a Samoan Drop and the Batista Bomb finally ends this.

Rating: D+. This was an angle which is fine, but it doesn’t really exactly make for an interesting segment. Batista was just midcard muscle with Flair as a manager at this point, but Evolution was coming soon. The Bischoff regime got old in a hurry and here he came off as just another corrupt boss. Not much here but it was a good beating.

Bischoff slaps D-Von post match.

Post break Storm and Regal come out and yell at JR and King. The evil foreigners go down and beat up the Dudleys a bit more. This is officially overkill now. Regal busts Bubba open with brass knuckles.

HHH is admiring his chest in a mirror when Flair comes in. He talks about the project coming along nicely and praises HHH’s body. Last week HHH had a bad arm from Armageddon but still competed anyway. HHH admires himself on the cover of Flex Magazine until Steiner comes in to talk trash.

Victoria/Molly Holly vs. Jacqueline/Trish Stratus

Victoria is Women’s Champion and has T.A.T.U.’s All the Things She Said as her music here still. Jackie and the champ start things off with Victoria getting kicked in the ribs a few times. Molly kicks Jackie in the back and comes in off the top with an ax handle. Jackie takes a Muta handspring elbow in the corner, followed by a pretty awesome looking Boston Crab/Camel Clutch combo from the villains.

Victoria misses a moonsault and there’s the hot tag to Trish. The Chick Kick gets two on the champ and Molly is sent to the floor. Stratusfaction is escaped so Trish tries a rollup, only to have Steven Richards come in and reverse it, letting Victoria grab a handful of tights for the pin on Trish.

Rating: C. This was one of the better Divas matches I can remember in a good while. It’s amazing what happens when you take talented people and Jackie and let them do their stuff. Trish and Victoria had a solid rivalry which was as intense as you would get for the girls. Decent stuff here but it was short.

Booker and Goldust talk about how they don’t want Bischoff in charge anymore. They’ll defend the titles later too.

Bischoff is mad.

Here’s Jericho with something to say about Shawn Michaels. Jericho wants to go back to the main event of Wrestlemania this year and he’s going to do just that. He knows he’s the best in the world and doesn’t need the title to prove it. However, Jericho wants the title back so he is officially in the Royal Rumble. This brings out Shawn who says that he isn’t here to get on Jericho’s nerves but rather to talk to Jericho about their similarities.

Jericho is just like Shawn in that he needs the title to prove that he’s the best to the people in the audience, the boys in the back, and himself. If Jericho wants to prove that he’s the best, he needs to start the Rumble at #1, go on to win the Rumble, and win the world title at Wrestlemania. THEN, Shawn will think he’s the best. We get some flat out lies about history, as Jericho says Shawn is the only man to start at #1 and “last the whole hour” to win the Rumble. That was the year of one minute intervals, meaning from bell to bell the match was less than 40 minutes long.

Jericho says that he won the title by beating guys Shawn could never beat, ignoring that Shawn wrestled the two guys a combined ONE time (he never fought Rock) and the time he faced Austin he had a broken back. Shawn says he’ll be #1 to show Jericho how it’s done. If Jericho wants to be the best, he has to go through Shawn to do it. Jericho wants to fight right now, but gets interrupted by BREAKING RNN NEWS!

This was Orton’s gimmick at the time as he had an injured shoulder and would cut into the broadcasts with updates about his injury, ranging from how well he could move it to updates on his chaffing from the sling. He’s actually in the arena tonight and says that his shoulder is at 93% mobility! Orton says he has a better comeback story than Shawn and he’s the new sexy boy as a result. A single punch takes Orton down and Jericho takes Shawn down. RVD comes in for the save but Orton pops up and Van Dam gets double teamed. Now Christian comes in but Kane is out to even the odds and clear the ring.

Raw Tag Titles: Lance Storm/William Regal vs. Goldust/Booker T

Goldie and Booker are defending. Booker and Storm start things off with the champion slamming him down and dropping a knee for no cover. Off to Goldie for a forearm off the top but Storm hits him in the face to bring in Regal. Goldust shoulders him down as Bischoff is watching in the back. Back to Booker for more punches in the corner until Storm makes the save.

We hit a chinlock as the match is already going nowhere. A running knee to the side of Booker’s head allows Storm to come in for a cravate. Booker finally fights out and kicks Lance down, allowing for the not hot tag to Goldust. House is cleaned and a powerslam gets two on Storm. Everything breaks down and Goldust takes both guys down. Storm gets caught in a modified Hart Attack but Regal takes the referee out.

The champs and referee are both out on the floor and we take a break. Back with Storm kicking a charging Booker in the face. During the break Chief Morely took over as guest referee. Storm accidentally superkicks said guest referee but there’s no one to count. The third referee runs in to count two on Storm after a Booker spinebuster. Off to Goldust for his hard slaps in the corner but the challengers bail to the floor.

Goldie charges after Storm and runs into a clothesline from Regal. This match continues to be dull stuff. Regal pounds away on Goldust a bit more until it’s off to Storm for another chinlock. This one doesn’t last long and it’s off to Booker for hopefully the last hot tag of the night. Mr. T. cleans house and there’s a Spinarooni followed by an ax kick for two on Storm. Morely pulls the third referee out of the ring and a brass knuckles shot from Regal knocks out Booker for the pin and the titles.

Rating: D. It was long, but MAN was this boring. At the end of the day it was pretty clear that the titles were going to change here due to the odds and Bischoff needing to dominate the entire show, which makes it even worse. As usual, a team loses in a joke last week and wins the titles the next week. Also, how overbooked was this match? Nothing to see here.

Post match the new champions suck up to Bischoff and Morely.

A famous Raw moment (for the ten year anniversary) is Sabel removing a sack she had to wear to reveal a bikini.

Test vs. Christopher Nowitski

Nowitski has D’Lo Brown with him because Brown is an intelligent black man. Seriously, that’s the explanation we got from him. Nowitski goes after the arm to start as Stacy (Test’s manager) plays cheerleader. Test sends him into the corner and starts his comeback, takes out Brown, and wins with the Test Drive (Cross Rhodes). I would say nothing here but Stack is rocking a blue dress.

Brown takes Test out post match.

Christian tells Jericho that he’s in the Rumble too. Jericho says that means Christian can help him win. This leads to an argument over who is better and who has better tattoos. Orton comes in and says chill because he’s in their corner for the tag match against RVD and Kane tonight. Orton stops to admire himself in a mirror after the Canadians leave.

Scott Steiner was on the cover of a muscle magazine two and a half years ago.

We recap the arm wrestling stuff from two weeks ago.

HHH oils himself up.

It’s time for the pose down because that’s what we need for the major segment of this show. HHH brags a lot and picks six “fans” from the front row to judge this. They have scorecards of either HHH or Steiner so it’s just winner and loser rather than scores. What do you want me to say for this? They pose, Steiner is better, they do another pose. All six judges vote for HHH so Steiner yells.

HHH wants a PUSH-UP CONTEST now, so Steiner gets on the mat and gets beaten up before he fights all six guys off. You wouldn’t think this took seventeen minutes would you? Well it didn’t. It took seventeen AND A HALF minutes. Seriously, that’s all I had to say about it. Oh and good to see Steiner beat up six fans. I can’t wait to sit through his arraignment, LIVE!

Kane/Rob Van Dam vs. Christian/Chris Jericho

Shawn and Orton are the seconds here. We come back from a break to start the brawl, which sees the good guys clearing out the ring. Van Dam gets launched over the top onto the Canadians until we officially start with Jericho vs. RVD. Christian comes in and takes Van Dam down with some choking before it’s back to Jericho. After a kick gets two we hit a bow and arrow hold on Rob.

Jericho pulls him down by the hair and it’s back to Christian. Rob gets sent to the floor where a melee breaks out, resulting in Shawn superkicking Orton. Jericho sends him into the steps in retaliation as we continue to fly through this match. RVD causes Jericho to go shoulder first into the post and kicks Christian down before making the hot tag.

Everything breaks down and Chris breaks up the chokeslam. Christian gets two off a reverse DDT but a Conchairto misses the masked one. Shawn pulls Jericho to the floor and they fight into the crowd. Rob hits a top rope kick to Christian’s face and there’s a chokeslam to set up the Five Star for the pin.

Rating: C-. It was exciting but it went way too fast. I guess this is supposed to be a Rumble preview match or something but it didn’t work at all due to how little time they had. Gee, I’m sure there was nothing else they could have cut to make more time. I know it was a letdown after the posing but they tried out there.

Bischoff says it’s Regal vs. Lawler next week but he gets a phone call. Apparently Vince is going to be here next week.

Overall Rating: D. Let’s see: no good matches, two storylines dominating the show, and seventeen and a half minutes spent so HHH could show off his physique. We’re in 2003 all right. This is only going to get worse over the next few weeks as Steiner vs. HHH would somehow get TWO PPV matches together. Hopefully things pick up with Vince back next week.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews

I mentioned this in another post and I had planned on saying something short about it, but the more I thought about it the more I realized it deserved something big. I mentioned that Stone Cold Steve Austin was a near perfect character and today we’re going to look at why that’s the case. Austin is one of the few if not the only character ever to be both completely over the top while also being one of the most realistic. I’ll explain what I mean by that in a bit so let’s get to it.

First and foremost a clarification: I’m talking about Stone Cold, not Steve Austin in general. I’m talking about roughly the period from the day he started defying authority and ending at Wrestlemania X7 (with a few exceptions past that date). Before then his character barely existed and after that it changed for the worse, although he was always talented enough to get whatever he was doing. Austin is on the list of people you hear about who could read the phone book and entertain an audience for hours.

The easiest way to sum up the Austin character in a nutshell is with a famous movie line. In the movie Network, one of the characters says “I’m as mad and I’m not going to take it anymore.” That is Steve Austin in one sentence. Austin was tired of playing second fiddle to all of these older guys who were given better spots than him because they had been around longer. He felt that the spots should be based on how good you were, not when you started in the company.

This was perfectly illustrated at the 1996 King of the Ring which is commonly considered Austin’s coming out party. In the finals, Austin beat Jake Roberts who was back in the WWF for “one more run” as a nostalgia character. Following the match, Austin cut his legendary Austin 3:16 promo, talking about how Roberts may be a legend, but he just got beat and there was nothing anyone could do to stop Austin’s rise.

What followed was the feud that made Austin, as he fought the ultimate current legend, Bret Hart. While Bret beat Austin at the Survivor Series, Austin continued to torment Bret, cheating him out of the Royal Rumble and costing him the world title a few nights later on Raw. This all lead us to Wrestlemania and the I Quit match between the two of them where we saw some of the best storytelling ever.

The basic idea of the match was simple: Bret was as submission master but Austin would never say he gave up. At the end of the match (one of the best ever and well worth seeing if you somehow haven’t), Austin was bleeding terribly and finally passed out in the Sharpshooter to give the win to Bret. Now notice something very important here: Bret could not stop Austin. All he did was slow down what was coming and hope to survive it.

This brings me to my second point: Austin wasn’t just a character. He was a revolution and a new way of thinking in wrestling. The reason for his mass popularity though was he captured the thoughts of the audience. Austin was the voice of the voiceless, in that people are always tired of being told that they have to wait their turn no matter how good they may be and are tired of putting up with corporate suits telling them to work within a system and other various excuses to avoid answering the complaints people had.

In September of 1997 (don’t worry we’ll come back to the summer months later), Monday Night Raw was broadcast from Madison Square Garden for the first time. Around this time, Austin had been injured in a match with Owen Hart and might not be able to wrestle again because of it. Vince had told Austin to work within the system, to which Austin responded with the first of many Stunners to the boss. In a word, the building erupted. As I said before, it was the audience channeling themselves into Austin and getting to do something they had always wanted to do but never could do in real life.

What followed over the next three and a half years was a path of destruction by the rebel Austin. He did everything from fill Corvettes with cement to blowing up buses to pretending to shoot Vince in the head to spraying down the Corporation with beer and everything in between. The entire time though, Austin was rebelling. This is another of the keys to why Austin was a perfect character: he DID things rather than merely be labeled as something.

In a word, Austin was a rebel. That’s the single word definition of what his character was. Now, can you imagine if he had come in with the name “The Rebel”? Dick Slater had that exact same name back in the late 80s, and remarkably almost no one remembers it. He came out in a Confederate flag vest and that’s about it. We were simply told what his gimmick and character were, as opposed to being SHOWN what the character was.

There’s an old saying which is a cliché, but in this case it’s the absolute truth: actions speak louder than words. That’s one of the reasons Austin’s character worked: we got to see him doing all this stuff. This is true with any wrestling character. Look at the gimmicks like Duke Droese, Henry Godwinn and T.L. Hopper. We were told immediately what these guys were and that was about the extent of their character development.

Now look at someone like Razor Ramon, who debuted with a series of vignettes of him in Miami being a jerk. Those promos told us everything we needed to know about Ramon and all we were told directly was that Ramon was “the bad guy.” Again, it’s about seeing these people do things rather than being told about them. Austin is the epitome of this because the actions he took were huge.

Jumping back to the summer of 1997, we’ll get into another reason why Austin worked so well: he was allowed to be seasoned. Today one of the major problems is pushing people to the main event before they’re ready. A legitimate case could have been made that Austin was ready for the world title after losing to Hart at Wrestlemania, but instead he was given another year of feuding with first the Hart Foundation and then a brief run against the Nation of Domination before entering the world title scene.

Now while Austin won his feud with the Nation, defeating Rock for the Intercontinental Title to end things at D-X In Your House in December, he didn’t have the same kind of luck against the Harts. In his war with the Hart Foundation, Austin regularly lost. He lost to Bret at Survivor Series, he lost to Bret at Final Four, he lost to Bret at Wrestlemania, he beat Bret by DQ at Revenge of the Taker, the Foundation cost Austin the title at Cold Day In Hell, and Austin’s team lost at Canadian Stampede. Austin completely lost the Border War, but he wasn’t on Bret’s level yet.

This is something I can’t emphasize enough: Austin lost. A lot. People often forget that Austin was a SIX TIME WWF Champion. That’s a lot of times to win and lose a world title. When you look back at it, he didn’t hold the belt long other than one reign. His first reign lasted about three months, his second reign lasted one day less than the first, his third and fourth reigns were under two months each, and his sixth reign was less than two months. Only his fifth reign, the one in 2001 when he won the title from the Rock, lasted a good amount of time and it wasn’t even six months long.

Let’s look at how Austin lost the title each time. The first time was a first blood match to a masked man. The question my friends and I asked back then was “how can he make a guy bleed when he can’t get to his face?” Austin couldn’t do it. The second time was in a glorified handicap match against Kane and Undertaker. Again, these odds seemed impossible and Austin failed. The third loss was against Undertaker with both Vince and Shane McMahon as guest referees and Shane fast counted him.

In other words, when the odds were stacked to the roof against Austin, he usually lost. Think about that and think of how rare it is. There was no Superman comeback. Austin didn’t beat four guys on his own. Austin didn’t come up with some cute way to keep the belt. He lost and that was it. Here’s the secret the WWE seems to forget today: you can win a title back. Of the five times Austin regained the title after losing it, three of them were less than six weeks after he lost it in the first place.

This is what I was referring to when I said Austin was both over the top as well as realistic. Rather than making a superhuman comeback, he would lose. At the end of the day, it would have been REALLY hard for fans to buy Austin beating both Kane and Undertaker in the same match. If nothing else, it’s bad for business because why should I believe Kane or Undertaker could beat him one on one if they couldn’t do it together? Also, it doesn’t hurt Austin to lose in a situation like that because it’s not like he missed a layup or something. He lost to the most dominant pairing in company history. It was a much smarter decision to have Austin go down and get the title back later.

This brings us to the final reason why the Stone Cold character worked so well: he was really entertaining. I mentioned this earlier but Austin is one of the few wrestlers where he could make eating a sandwich entertaining. Austin could do anything from drinking beer to singing Jimmy Crack Corn to Stunning people to shouting WHAT over and over again to singing the Rick Roll song (Youtube that one. It’s hysterical.) to telling funny stories and people would be entertained. Look at him now as after his wrestling career is over he’s enjoying a decent career as a B-movie action star.

The other side of Austin’s entertainment value is his ability in the ring. People often forget how excellent of a pure wrestler Austin was. Think about to some of the matches he had with Bret, Rock, Foley, Benoit, Angle, Jericho, HHH and I could go on. With Austin, his work on the microphone is so good that it’s constantly overshadowing his work in the ring. To give you an idea of how good he was, according to Meltzer, Austin has two five star matches, the same total as Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels.

Overall, Stone Cold Steve Austin was one of the best characters of all time because he was both realistic and over the top as well as incredibly entertaining. He connected with an audience that wanted to express themselves but couldn’t as well as never going so far overboard that he was unrealistic in the ring. On top of that, he was an excellent in ring wrestler that had one of the best collections of matches that anyone has ever had. Austin might be as close to a perfect character as there has ever been.

Monday Night Raw
Date: January 2, 2012
Location: FedEx Forum, Memphis, Tennessee
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler

We’re in Lawlerville tonight for the first WWE show of the year. There are two major things tonight: we see who the It Begins videos are for and we have a world title match in the form of Punk vs. Ziggler. With the ratings sagging, it might be interesting to see if the title changes hands tonight. Anyway, the road to the Rumble probably will get going tonight so let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of the ending last week where the fans didn’t chant Cena Sucks, even though the video presents it as if they did. This is the most forced attempted heel turn ever.

Cena opens the show to of course a mixed reaction. He doesn’t look that upset. He wishes everyone a happy new year and it’s a split chant again. Cena talks about how the new year is time for resolutions and changes. He’s going to make some changes in 2012. First off, he’s going to start wearing less underwear (girl pop). As for the This is Your Life John Cena segment, his dad is now banned from WWE programing.

Finally, the last change is coming at Wrestlemania. After he beats Rock, he’s resolving to prove he’s lost his lady parts. The one thing that won’t change: he’s going to remain who he is and his convictions will remain true. Hustle, Loyalty and Respect don’t go away because someone throws fire at you. Every single one of the fans here has paid their money to be here tonight and if they want to cheer, boo, or shout whatever they want, that’s up to them and they’ve earned that right.

Cena’s disappointment is in Kane. Kane has an issue with Cena and Kane can’t settle it the way we do it here in the WWE. Kane pops up….or at least his voice does. He says Cena will eventually embrace the hate and tonight, he’ll witness the power of hate. Maniacal laugh, maniacal laugh.

After a graphic about Punk vs. Ziggler, a video pops up saying the end begins tonight.

Daniel Bryan vs. Cody Rhodes

Bryan gets NO reaction. Cena got a big reaction and Kane got a pop too, but this is pathetic. Cody shakes off some kicks to start and hooks onto the arm. Bryan fights back and hits the running knee off the apron to the floor. Back in the Beautiful Disaster gets two. Cody tries a release gordbuster and gets rolled up for the pin at 3:20. Where do I begin?

Rating: D. So the IC Champion who has a big match on Friday loses in 200 seconds. Could they be any more counter productive with this stuff? Does the name Jack Swagger or Drew McIntyre not ring a bell to anyone? I’m already in a bad mood tonight and this is just making it worse.

Video of Miz getting attacked last week.

Miz comes in to see Johnny Ace and Ace says he won’t do anything about it. Miz wants to know why he’s here tonight then. Ace shows him a video of Miz attacking Truth two months ago but Miz says he doesn’t know why Truth would attack him. Sheamus vs. Miz tonight. Ace says he’ll have some people watching for Truth tonight. Miz says he’ll be a sitting duck. He leaves and the camera watches him go. Truth pops up and does a duck dance. This also gets a bigger reaction than Bryan had.

Video on Duggan’s Rumble win.

Barrett comes out for a match but before the match we get a clip of the Orton injury moment. Barrett says he’d wish us a happy new year, but he really doesn’t care about his new year, or our old year for that matter. This has been a good year for him already due to a lack of Orton. Orton was just another victim of the Barrett Barrage. Santino comes out and reminds us that he lasted longer than Barrett did in last year’s Rumble. He makes train sounds so he’s funny, get it?

Wade Barrett vs. Santino Marella

Let’s get this over with. Barrett throws punches and Santino does the splits. Barrett stops and kicks him in the head which makes me smile. Santino tries to load up the Cobra and gets a kick to the face. His shoulder goes into the most and Winds of Change ends this at 1:18.

The Bellas argue in front of Miz and Miz asks if they’ve seen Truth. He walks off and Truth is still stalking him.

Sheamus vs. The Miz

Miz immediately jumps Sheamus with a DDT and pounds him down. I don’t think the bell rang yet. He gets Sheamus tied in the ropes but Sheamus kicks him off. There are the forearms in the ropes and I mean like 20 of them. They go to the floor and Miz runs into the crowd. Truth jumps on the PA and is in the crowd.

Guess who he ran into? LITTLE JIMMY! Little Jimmy doesn’t like Miz. Little Jimmy says Miz needs to get got. Miz runs back to ringside and right into a Brogue Kick. Truth pops him with the water bottle. There was never an official match I don’t think. Truth goes back into the crowd and says this week’s Miz Beatdown was brought to you by Little Jimmy where you’re going to get got.

We see how Ziggler “earned” his shot tonight.

Ziggler is showing off in the back and says he flaunts it better than anyone else does every night. He talks about debt and how it dominates things, but he’s a walking talent surplus. Everything he’s wanted he’s gotten except for the WWE Title. He wins tonight. Good stuff.

Ryder continues to hit on Eve because he’s the US Champion so he’s hitting on a woman. Swagger comes up and says he should be champion. They get into an argument and Ace pops up. There’s a six man elimination tag with Kane/Swagger/Kane vs. Cena/Ryder/Show.

Raw World Title: CM Punk vs. Dolph Ziggler

You know, because the world title needs to end the first hour, not the main event of the show. This gets big match intros. If they let this match go, it should be good. They go to the mat to start and neither guy can get much of an advantage. Backbreaker gets two for Punk. Punk takes over for awhile until Ziggler hits a hot shot to take over. Ziggler gets in a shot on the floor and we hit the chinlock and take a break.

Back with them slugging it out on their knees but Ziggler grabs the sleeper. Punk quickly escapes and hits a leg lariat to take over. Snap powerslam gets two. They trade rollups and Dolph hits a Fameasser for two. Stinger Splash and something like a reverse powerslam gets two. They go to a corner and the buckle gets pulled off. Knee in the corner and a bulldog get two for Punk.

He calls for the GTS but here comes Ace. He points out the exposed buckle as Punk locks in the Anaconda Vice. Ziggler is tapping but there’s no referee so Punk lets it go. Ziggler tries the Zig Zag but Punk moves and Ziggler collides with Ace. GTS is countered and Ace pulls the top rope down. The fastest count ever results in a LAME countout win for Ziggler at 13:09.

Rating: C+. It was good up until the really stupid ending. If Ace wants the title off Punk that badly, wouldn’t he know to throw him back inside? I think we know what the Rumble is going to be though and that’s fine. Anyway, good stuff here, until the ending. That’s about what you would expect for this match though.

Ziggler celebrates with the title and goes into the crowd. The video interrupts it and says He Is Here.

Another Rumble video, this one from 1995.

Bella Twins vs. Eve Torres/Kelly Kelly

Kelly vs. let’s say Brie to start and Kelly does her spanking and Stinkface to get on my nerves even more. Eve comes in and does her usual stuff. The moonsault is broken up and it’s Nikki in now. Top rope moonsault gets two and it’s Twin Magic for the pin on Eve at 2:04. Are we really back to this again?

Punk comes in to yell at Ace and Ace makes Punk vs. Ziggler with Ace as referee for the Rumble. Punk says if he gets screwed out of the title, Otunga is going to come in handy because Punk will be arrested for animal cruelty when he beats Ace like a female dog.

Here’s another video with very similar images. It says a familiar force shall arrive to claim what is his. She holds the beckoning of his rebirth. The focus seems to bemore on the girl in this. She has spoken. It is time. And it looks like an earthquake in the arena. And it’s…..a blackout. Big Y2J chant starts up and there are lights of a guy in Jericho’s pose on the stage. It’s Jericho. Blast it. Freaking blast it. All those weeks and it’s Jericho….again.

Jericho takes a lap around the ring, slaps the hands of the fans, goes into the ring, goes back outside and slaps more hands and does the pose where he leans against the crowd. It’s Y2J Jericho too. He keeps playing to the crowd but hasn’t said a word onto the mic yet. There’s something up here. He goes outside AGAIN and shouts at the crowd. Now he points to the side of the crowd he wants to cheer. I’m waiting on a heel promo here.

And he drops the mic and does it AGAIN. This has been going on for like 5 minutes now. Here’s lap #4 around the ring and the fans are getting tired. Up the ramp he goes to grab a camera. And now he’s leaving. Ok no he isn’t…..and yes he is. He’s on the stage and there are some boos now. And he leaves. Jerry isn’t sure what we just saw. Jericho never said a word into the mic and nothing at all other than COME ON BABY!

Big Show/Zack Ryder/John Cena vs. Kane/Mark Henry/Jack Swagger

Elimination rules here. And there’s no Kane. Instead Otunga comes out and says it’ll be a handicap match. Swagger and Cena start us off with Cena taking him to the mat and dropping an elbow for two. Dropkick gets the same. Swagger kicks him into the corner and we take a break. Back with a Vader Bomb getting two. Cena backdrops out of it and here’s Big Show. No eliminations yet.

Show beats Swagger up and it’s time for a battle of the giants. Henry gets knocked to the floor and Show goes after him. Henry grabs a chair but Show knocks it out of his hands and cracks him in the back with it to get us down to two on two. It’s a double elimination though so it’s now Ryder/Cena vs. Swagger. Ryder comes in for the first time that we’ve seen and hits the Broski Boot. Rough Ryder is countered into an awful powerbomb and the ankle lock. Ryder makes the tag to break the hold and Cena cleans a few rooms (I don’t think Swagger qualifies as a house). AA ends this at 8:22.

Rating: D. Uh…yeah whatever man. I don’t get the point of anything here other than the lack of Kane. Having him not come in here is a good thing as he needs to make a big return for his first match back. Not a terrible match but what was the point of this being like 8 minutes long? I don’t get it.

Ryder is down from the ankle lock and the fire goes off. Cena goes straight up the ramp to go after Kane when he pops up through the ring. He gets one shot on Ryder and knocks Cena off the apron. Cena get smothered down and is out. Kane goes back in and grabs Ryder’s bad ankle. He pulls him down into the hole with him ala Taker and Diesel. Or maybe he doesn’t as Cena pulls Ryder out before he goes under. A big explosion from the hole and a bunch of fire pops out to end the show.

Overall Rating: D-. The word of the night should be frustrating, because this show just failed to deliver on almost everything. Cody loses in three minutes, the world title match goes nowhere other than to set up another match, Brodus doesn’t debut still, Kane is a no show (which might be a good thing), Jericho does…..whatever (and yes I know it’s going somewhere else) and the main event was whatever it was. I don’t know what they were shooting for here, but I don’t think it was their foot like they hit.

Results
Daniel Bryan b. Cody Rhodes – Small Package
Wade Barrett b. Santino Marella – Winds of Change
Dolph Ziggler b. CM Punk via countout
Bella Twins b. Eve Torres/Kelly Kelly – Small package to Eve
Big Show/John Cena/Zack Ryder b. Jack Swagger/Kane/Mark Henry – Cena last eliminated Swagger to win

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