Wrestlemania XXXIII
Date: April 2, 2017
Location: Camping World Stadium, Orlando, Florida
Attendance: 75,245
Commentators: Michael Cole, Corey Graves, Byron Saxton, John Bradshaw Layfield, David Otunga, Tom Phillips

This hasn’t been quite a year yet but I have a feeling it’s going to be a very long night. Like a few years before, I was in the stadium for this show but haven’t seen it since I reviewed it last year. This is a show that was well received at the time and it could be interesting to see how it holds up a year later. Let’s get to it.

The set is one of the most intricate they’ve ever done, with a big Wrestlemania globe (ala Universal Studios) and a roller coaster next to it (I think you get this). There’s also an inflatable ring atop the structure above the regular ring, which I somehow didn’t notice until about an hour and a half of being in the stadium). The theme was the Ultimate Thrill Ride and the visual certainly works. It’s really cool looking and worked very well. Unfortunately the stadium isn’t the best looking in the world and it made the whole thing feel a bit out of place. Oh and the CRAZY LONG RAMP, which is something like seventy yards long.

Kickoff Show: Cruiserweight Title: Austin Aries vs. Neville

Aries is challenging after Neville has dominated the division for months and needs someone fresh to challenge him. The fans are behind Aries, which isn’t that surprising though Neville was nothing short (ok he was always short) of awesome at this point. Aries takes him down with an armbar but Neville is right back out with a headscissors. Back up and Neville has to bail to the floor so Aries has a rest on the top rope. I know it’s a Shawn Michaels spot but Aries sells the heck out of it.

Neville comes back in and eats a basement dropkick, followed by the middle rope elbow to the back for two. The suicide dive is blocked with a kick to the head though as the back and forth continues. A missile dropkick gives Neville two and we take a break. Back with Neville holding a chinlock (They even do it on the Kickoff Shows!) but taking WAY too long to glare at the crowd before trying a middle rope Phoenix splash (makes sense given his King thing).

One heck of a backdrop puts Neville on the floor and Aries is right back after him with the suicide dive. You can hear the fans getting back into this and that’s a good result from these two. The main reason to put something like this on is to get the fans fired up for the real show and it’s a great place to put them in.

They come back in with Aries blocking the superplex and nailing his own missile dropkick (looked awesome too) for a near fall. A snap German suplex plants Aries though and Neville takes over again. Another suplex gets another two and Neville is starting to look annoyed. With the technical stuff not working, Neville just kicks him in the face in the corner.

Aries is fine enough to reverse the Rings of Saturn attempt into a rollup and now the Discus knocks Neville hard to the floor. Back in and Aries hits a top hurricanrana and the 450 (with a really annoying crowd reaction shot) gets two. The Last Chancery goes on but Neville rips at the eye (which was recently reconstructed) to break the hold. Aries is writhing in pain and it’s the Red Arrow to retain the title at 15:40.

Rating: B. I remember hearing that this would be on the Kickoff Show and being very relieved as I didn’t think the main show would allow it nearly the amount of time that it needed and deserved. I’m glad to see that I was right here as they had a heck of a chess match here with both guys getting in everything they could and showing how back and forth the whole thing was. Neville cheating to win in the end fit him well, as he finally had someone who could match him and had to take a shortcut. Really good stuff here as Neville continues his unbelievable roll.

If the pay per view started here, it would have been a perfect Kickoff Show. But nah, we need two more matches.

Kickoff Show: Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Killian Dain, Sin Cara, Luke Harper, Kalisto, Sami Zayn, R-Truth, Chad Gable, Konnor, Braun Strowman, Curt Hawkins, Apollo Crews, Titus O’Neil, Curtis Axel, Goldust, Jimmy Uso, Jinder Mahal, Big Show, Simon Gotch, Aiden English, Tyler Breeze, Heath Slater, Epico, Bo Dallas, Fandango, Big Show, Rhyno, Primo, Viktor, Jason Jordan, Tian Bing, Jey Uso, Dolph Ziggler, Mark Henry

Rob Gronkowski, a friend of Mojo Rawley, is in the front row. Big Show’s music plays everyone but Braun Strowman to the ring. Braun tosses Primo two seconds into the match as the ring needs some serious cleaning out. Kalisto and Simon Gotch are tossed as well and Strowman eliminates Slater. Jimmy Uso and Goldust follow them out as they’re not wasting time here.

There goes Konnor but it’s time for the Show vs. Strowman showdown. Everyone stops to watch but Sami jumps Braun due to reasons of general stupidity. That goes nowhere so it’s Strowman dumping Show. Everyone goes after Strowman but he gets rid of Viktor in the process. Strowman is eliminated, making him look like a loser/afterthought in the process (oh….just wait). Hawkins is out and Ziggler gets to do his usual false hope spot. We get into the required “everyone hits everyone but doesn’t really try to win” portion as things slow down.

Ziggler low bridges Truth out as I manage to remember that Truth is employed. There goes Rhyno and Ziggler is thrown over the top, only to hang on again. There goes English, followed by American Alpha dropkicking English out. Jey Uso and Jason Jordan are tossed, followed by Chad Gable as the ring is really thinning out. Tian Bing gets rid of Fandango and Breeze, followed by Henry eliminating Sin Cara (in some sweet Wrestlemania gear). Henry is out next as there’s nothing between these eliminations.

Ziggler superkicks Bing out and that’s about it for Tian’s career accomplishments to date. Sami’s Helluva Kick gets rid of Epico and we’re down to nine. It’s been too long since Ziggler was nearly eliminated so Harper chokes him on the apron this time around. Mojo dumps Bo and Mahal eliminates Crews, followed by Rawley tossing Ziggler. Harper is out next and we’re down to Mojo, Jinder, Titus, Dain and Zayn.

A running clothesline gets rid of Titus but Dain eliminates Sami, completely sucking the life out of the crowd. Why you ask? Well we’re left with Dain, Rawley and Mahal. How excited would you be? Jinder gets clotheslined down and we get a Dain vs. Mojo showdown. A Pounce drops Dain but Jinder pulls Mojo through the ropes and out to the floor. Jinder follows him out and sends Rawley into the barricade, right in front of Gronkowski.

That means a drink going into Gronkowski’s face and here he comes over the barricade. This gives us the funniest part of the show as a security guard runs over to stop him, only to have a ringside guy tap her on the arm as some referees come over and allow Gronkowski to get in. Gronkowski runs Mahal over (your future WWE Champion everyone) and Mojo’s running right hands get rid of Dain. Another running punch to Mahal gives Rawley the win at 14:09.

Rating: D-. And this just LAUNCHED Mojo to the moon right? I know the idea here was to get Gronkowski involved (possibly as a substitute for Shaquille O’Neal) but Sami Zayn was RIGHT THERE to get the big win but nah, let’s go with the nothing guy winning the match. This wasn’t the best result for the battle royal but at least they were trying with Rawley, who took the time to talk to an entire group of fans when I saw him walking through Axxess that same weekend. Hopefully he gets somewhere in the future. The rest of the match was terrible with everyone being thrown out in short order and a bad ending.

Kickoff Show: Intercontinental Title: Baron Corbin vs. Dean Ambrose

Ambrose is defending and I have no idea why this was on the Kickoff Show. Corbin crushed Ambrose underneath a forklift to set this up, giving us the hilarious visual of the referees trying to LIFT IT UP despite the key being in the ignition. They waste no time in fighting to the floor with Dean getting the better of it and heading back inside.

That earns him a hard whip to send Ambrose’s ribs into the post and give Corbin a nice big target. Or 24 of them in this case. A choke shove puts Dean down for two and Baron whips him into the barricade for good measure. We hit the chinlock for a few moments before Dean avoids a charge to send Corbin shoulder first into the post. Corbin avoids the top rope elbow and blocks Dirty Deeds for good measure. That earns him a trip to the floor but Baron knocks him out of the air on a slingshot dive.

The top rope elbow puts Corbin down again though and Dean gets two off a swinging neckbreaker. These two aren’t exactly clicking so far. Deep Six gives Corbin two and works on the ribs a bit more. The Rebound Lariat runs Baron over again but he’s right back with a powerbomb to stay on the ribs. That’s about it for Corbin though as Dean jumps up and hits Dirty Deeds to retain at 10:44.

Rating: C-. I wasn’t feeling this one but the bigger issue was with the ending, as Baron winning the title would have made the most sense. Making it even worse was the fact that Baron won a street fight non-title rematch two days later but none of that matters as the Superstar Shakeup changed everything a week later. The match was nothing to see either as they didn’t go into the brawl that would have suited them best.

And now on the main show, which is FIVE HOURS AND TEN MINUTES LONG. Sweet goodness and they wonder why it’s hard to make new fans.

Tinashe, who looks like a low rent Beyonce (still very attractive though with a great voice) sings America the Beautiful. This includes the Air Force flyover, which will nearly knock you off your feet.

The opening video is about how everyone wants to come here, either as a fan or as a wrestler. This is the biggest show of the year and it is the ultimate thrill ride. The video turns into a roller coaster, starting with some historic moments and going into clips of wrestlers on tonight’s show. It’s continuing the theme and that’s a good thing when so many of these shows only have a loose theme at best. Ignore the fans cheering for Miz and AJ Styles and booing the heck out of Roman Reigns of course.

Here are your hosts for the evening: the New Day, in Final Fantasy inspired gear, with Kofi riding in on their bicycle powered ice cream cart. I still have one major question: HOW DID THEY NOT HAVE ICE CREAM FOR SALE??? They teased that for weeks and NOTHING. I was looking forward to it but for some reason it just never happened. After some dancing and gyrating, Xavier says there were a lot of options to host the show. Fans: “WOO!” It was your boys the NEW DAY who got the call though and they get to tell us about all the action that we’ll be seeing tonight.

It’s time to officially pulls their levers (making Kofi and Xavier cringe) and Big E. starts sending the smiling glances over to Woods as he freaks out. This was just after the sex tape fiasco, which was hinted at but never mentioned on WWE TV. In other words, this was a nice little inside joke for the fans while not giving away anything that would be un-PG. Well done and the way this needed to be handled. New Day’s level of rock is confirmed and that’s it, wrapping up this year’s installment of an unnecessary addition to the Wrestlemania card.

We recap AJ Styles babysitting Shane McMahon. AJ lost the Smackdown World Title to John Cena at the Royal Rumble and Daniel Bryan/Shane put him in the Elimination Chamber instead of giving him a one on one rematch for the title. That’s not cool with AJ, so he beat up Shane to set up this year’s “Shane can totally wrestle if you give him one of the best performers in the world” match. They’ve attacked each other a few times each since with Shane’s punches somehow getting a little worse since last year.

Shane McMahon vs. AJ Styles

Shane’s kids are at ringside because what would Wrestlemania be without them? AJ isn’t interested in throwing punches so a quick standing switch sends Shane into the ropes. A headlock and snapmare have Shane down as AJ is toying with him to start. Shane gets in some armdrags and takes Styles down for a rollup, giving us some frustration to send AJ outside.

Back in and AJ punches him in the face as it turns into a boxing match. You know you don’t have to ask Shane to do that twice so we let the suck fly, followed by an elbow to AJ’s face. One heck of a baseball slide sends Shane over the announcers’ table as control goes hard to Styles. Back in and a knee drop rocks Shane again but of course he can shake off the Phenomenal Blitz.

The Phenomenal Forearm is broken up and Shane starts his dance that was stupid back in the 90s so today it’s awesome (like everything in the Attitude Era). An Angle Slam gets two on AJ but he’s right back with the Calf Crusher. Shane reverses into a rear naked choke, a cross armbreaker and something like the Rings of Saturn. He trains MMA you see. AJ shrugs them off and drops Shane again but the springboard 450 is countered into a triangle choke. That’s reversed into a one armed Styles Clash, and of course Shane is up at two.

They slug it out and the fans are entirely behind AJ, even more than you might have expected them to be. I know he’s going to be the favorite coming in but this star treatment of Shane is making it even worse. The ref gets bumped (well duh) and it’s trashcan time. AJ loads up his own Coast to Coast but Shane throws the can at him (with AJ having to pull up on the dive, making it look horrible). Phillips: “AJ has stepped into Shane’s world now!” You mean high flying wrestling?

Shane’s Coast to Coast gets two and it’s time to load up the announcers’ table. The big elbow misses but of course Shane is fine enough to counter the Phenomenal Forearm into a Maiavia Hurricane. That’s not enough from Shane though as he gets to try the shooting star, which only hits mat. The Phenomenal Forearm connects to finally put Shane away at 20:31.

Rating: B. Well that was Shane, with some Shane on the side and then more Shane to wrap it up. AJ looked awesome but that’s all he supposed to be. This was all about Shane getting to counter and hang with AJ, which doesn’t do Styles any good. A 40+ year old who doesn’t wrestle shouldn’t be hanging with a guy who was World Champion less than three months ago. But hey, Shane, right?

James Ellsworth is having issues working out so Ric Flair comes in to give him a Snickers. Then Ellsworth becomes Charlotte. Uh, yeah.

We recap Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Owens. Their friendship had been having some issues of late so Jericho put together the Festival of Friendship, an over the top celebration of all things Owens and Jericho. At the end of it, Owens turns on Jericho and beat the heck out of him. Jericho came back and cost him the Universal Title at Fastlane so Owens is coming for Jericho’s Universal Title. The question became could Owens win without Jericho and now we get the chance to find out.

US Title: Chris Jericho vs. Kevin Owens

Owens is challenging. Jericho’s entrance brings back the countdown for a nice touch. Throw in the light up scarf and a big List of Jericho on the stage and this is advantage Chris. They slug it out to start with the Walls going on less than thirty seconds in. That sends Owens bailing to the floor and a top rope forearm to the head drops Owens back inside. Owens kicks him in the face and hammers away to take over.

We hit the chinlock, with some horribly obvious spot calling, followed by the backsplash for two. They head outside for the third time with Jericho backdropping his way out of the apron powerbomb. Jericho chops away and gets two off a super hurricanrana but gets clotheslined down. The frog splash misses, the Lionsault hits knees, and the Swanton hits knees as well to give us a slow down stretch.

Now the Lionsault connects for a delayed two but Owens gets in his own Walls of Jericho. A rope is grabbed so Owens tries the Cannonball, only to be reversed into the Walls. Kevin grabs the rope for the break and is right back with the Pop Up Powerbomb for two. Another Pop Up Powerbomb is countered into the Codebreaker but Owens touches the rope with one finger for the save. That’s a sweet heel touch. Owens rolls outside and superkicks the knee, setting up the apron powerbomb to give him the pin and the title at 16:46.

Rating: C+. Not bad but they never cranked up the violence that you would have expected after seeing the Festival of Friendship. These two should have been ready to destroy each other and instead it’s just a match with Owens working the ribs and looking for a powerbomb. They accomplished the goal of making Owens look like he can win on his own, but this isn’t the way they should have gone about it.

We recap the Raw Women’s Title match. Charlotte and Sasha Banks had raised the women’s division to entirely new levels and Charlotte needed a new challenger. Enter Bayley, who won the title on Raw in a big surprise, completely defeating the purpose of her character and leaving her with nothing to do. This problem would plague her for the next year and still does to this day. Nia Jax was added to the other three because you need to have as many people in Wrestlemania matches as possible.

Raw Women’s Title: Charlotte vs. Sasha Banks vs. Nia Jax vs. Bayley

Bayley is defending under elimination rules. The tube men are at ringside for a special change of pace. Sasha rides in on the back of a chauffeured car because that’s what Sasha does. Charlotte gets a crazy amount of pyro, making her look even more like a star than usual. Everyone goes after Nia to start but she wrecks them in increasingly short order. A Banzai Drop crushes Bayley and Nia throws Charlotte off the apron onto both Bayley and Sasha. There’s something about people being thrown around like weapons.

All three get together to go after Nia with Sasha wisely grabbing the leg to keep her in place. Charlotte boots Nia in the face for a double German suplex for two in a painful looking crash. Nia is back up and tries a second Banzai, only to get TripleBombed out of the corner for the elimination at 4:08.

As usual, Nia chokes in the big match because that’s just how she rolls. Charlotte pulls Bayley to the floor and it’s Sasha hitting a flip dive to take the champ down. As you might expect, it’s the corkscrew moonsault from the top to take Bayley and Sasha down again in a huge crash.

Back in and Natural Selection is countered into a failed Bank Statement attempt. Instead Charlotte gets two off a backbreaker and rips off a turnbuckle pad in frustration. Sasha’s top rope double knees are good for two of her own and the Bank Statement goes on. Sasha goes with a rollup and the kickout sends her face first into the buckle for the elimination at 8:10.

Bayley comes back in and gets her knee rammed into the exposed buckle. The moonsault, with the wind blowing Charlotte’s hair around, only hits mat to give Bayley a near fall. Charlotte is fine enough to go after the knee and grab the Figure Eight. Bayley gets to the rope so Charlotte takes her into the Tree of Woe, only to get backdropped from the top in a big crash. The big elbow is enough to retain the title at 12:04.

Rating: D. Why can’t they get these big matches right? This was completely backwards with Nia being thrown in there at the last minute and lasting all of four minutes. Then it’s Bayley not really overcoming the odds and just pinning Charlotte after shrugging off some of the offense. It’s not some come from behind win or a big moment, but really just a match where Charlotte happened to lose.

Video on the Hall of Fame induction ceremony. Hearing Jim Cornette’s voice in WWE is just wrong.

Diamond Dallas Page. Nice reaction and WELL deserved just for his stuff with Hall and Roberts alone.

Rock N Roll Express. WAY overdue.

Rick Rude. See the Rock N Roll Express.

Teddy Long. I defy you to not smile at this.

Eric LeGrand. Warrior Award and that’s fine.

Beth Phoenix. Fine enough if a female entrant is required.

Kurt Angle. Yep. Moving on.

Support the Boys and Girls Club! Fair request actually.

Raw Tag Team Titles: Enzo Amore/Big Cass vs. Anderson and Gallows vs. Sheamus/Cesaro

No real story here as this is they’ve just been feuding and it’s time for a title match. Anderson and Gallows are defending and this is a ladder match because we have to have one. Enzo and Cass’ speech is short this time as they say they’re climbing every rung to win the titles. We’re ready to go….and here’s New Day. Yeah remember them?

Anyway they’re in wrestling gear here but first, an announcement. This is now a FATAL FOUR WAY with one more team to be added. That would be the HARDY BOYZ, making a shocking return and giving us a legitimate Wrestlemania moment. Before the music hit, I stood up and said “they wouldn’t”, which was aided as I couldn’t see that New Day was in ring gear. Amazing moment here and the twenty six million YouTube views suggest that it’s quite the popular idea. Cole says thinks are about to be BROKEN and Matt does the DELETE pose.

It’s a brawl to start (as it should be) and the Hardys waste no time with Poetry in Motion to Gallows. Enzo and Cass are taken down as well as the fans are entire enamored with the Hardys all over again. A Whisper in the Wind takes both Sheamus and Cesaro down and it’s time for the first ladder. Jeff goes up but it’s Gallows making a pretty easy save. Cesaro comes back in and climbs onto Gallows’ shoulders for a double stomp onto Anderson’s ribs. Well that worked.

This time it’s Enzo and Cass coming in, just to make sure that everyone gets their turn in you see. That goes nowhere so the Hardys bridge the ladders between the ring and the apron but Cesaro and Sheamus slam them together. With a little too much Sheamus on offense, Cass launches Enzo over the ladders like a cannonball to take him down.

Back in and Sheamus hits the ten forearms to Gallows while Cesaro Swings Anderson. Despite what Cole thinks, that’s not exactly working together. We hear about the Tag Team Titles not changing hands at Wrestlemania in SIXTEEN YEARS (that’s inexcusable) until Sheamus Brogue Kicks the heck out of Cass. Enzo shoves the ladder over to drop Gallows and Sheamus and goes up, sending Graves into hysterics over the horrible possibilities.

Sheamus and Gallows come back in for the save but don’t bother to knock him off the ladder. Instead it’s Anderson climbing the ladder and knocking Cesaro into the ladder. There’s a Magic Killer to Cesaro but Matt hits them both with a Twist of Fate, including a big one off of the ladder to Anderson. Jeff hits the required Swanton off the ladder to drive Cesaro through a bridged ladder, leaving Matt to pull the titles down at 11:05.

Rating: C+. There’s only so much you can get out of a ladder match like this with almost nothing to it other than the big Hardys return. That being said, they absolutely got the ending right as there was no other way to go here. Enzo and Cass weren’t going to work after something as special as the Hardys showing up so don’t even try. There wasn’t much to this in the way of high spots either, but this was ALL about Matt and Jeff, as it should have been.

Jimmy Fallon is here.

We recap the Miz/Maryse vs. John Cena/Nikki Bella, which is mostly about Nikki and Cena teaming together for the first time ever. The idea is that Cena won’t marry Nikki so Miz and Maryse are better, meaning we’re just waiting on Cena to pop the question here. In the show stealing moment of the year though, Miz and Maryse did some parody videos of Cena and Nikki and Total Divas/Bellas, giving us some of the funniest things WWE has ever done.

They nailed the ridiculous nature of the shows to perfection and made Miz look like the guy who should be ready to break through every ceiling above her. Oh and Maryse as Nikki Bella: sweet GOODNESS that worked on about a million levels. Finally though, a year later with Miz and Maryse now as parents, Cena’s jokes about Miz “firing blanks” are pretty much dead.

Jerry Lawler is on commentary.

Nikki Bella/John Cena vs. Maryse/The Miz

Al Roker is guest ring announcer for absolutely no reason whatsoever other than having a celebrity appearance. This is Maryse’s first match nearly six years and she doesn’t look like she’s lost a step. Cena and Nikki run down the ramp and we see a wide shot for a cool visual. Cena’s mom is in the front row and he seems shocked to see her, which would be a heck of a surprise.

The women start and there’s no contact for a minute so let’s bring in the guys instead. Miz poses on the ropes and then bails to the floor to start a chase. Back in and Miz finally stomps away as we finally make contact nearly two minutes in. Maryse gets in a poke to the eye so Miz can fire off a left hand. Cena and Nikki have had no offense so far. The fans are very pleased with Miz’s beating of Cena, mainly because they realize how awesome those Total Bellas parodies were.

Miz misses the running clothesline in the corner but Maryse breaks up the hot tag attempt by pulling Nikki off the apron. A DDT gives Miz two and he slowly does Daniel Bryan’s pose (How amazing is it that the match could ACTUALLY HAPPEN?). The YES Kicks keep Cena rocked but Miz makes the mistake of telling Nikki that she can’t see him.

A big slap puts Miz on the floor and a diving tag brings in Nikki. Some bad forearms to Maryse’s arms (Shane could do better than that) don’t do much damage so Nikki runs Miz over instead. Back in and Nikki’s big forearm sets up stereo Five Knuckle Shuffles. The AA and a Rack Attack 2.0 give us a double pin at 9:38.

Rating: D-. What in the world was that? Miz beat Cena up for about eight minutes and then it was hot tag Nikki to put the villains away Hogan style. After all the work and amazing promos, this is Miz’s Wrestlemania reward. I’m so glad this is what they went with instead of Cena vs. Undertaker, which was likely possible at this show. But hey, Total Divas and Total Bellas got a plot out of it.

Post match Cena says this is what Nikki wanted when she was rehabbing her neck. He tells a downright creepy story about Nikki being groggy before going inf or surgery. Apparently Cena asked if Nikki knew he would marry her one day. She said yes, and today is that day. Cena proposes and we get the big moment as she says yes. I’m SO glad this is what Cena, in the final few years that he has in WWE, is spending one of them doing this. It’s a sweet moment, but my goodness do this on Total Bellas where the fans want to see it.

We recap Seth Rollins vs. HHH, in another dumb story. So Rollins was HHH’s big ace in the hole a few years back and everything was all evil and great. Then Rollins tore his ACL and had to vacate the World Title, which HHH took as not being good enough to be the top guy. Let me repeat that: HHH said that leg issues were signs that someone wasn’t good enough to be the man in WWE. HHH then cost the returning Rollins the title to turn him face but now it’s time for revenge with a fired up Rollins wanting to burn the place down to destroy HHH.

Seth Rollins vs. HHH

Anything goes and, as usual, HHH gets the coolest entrance of the night with a big motorcycle and a police escort, plus Stephanie as a CRAZY HOT biker chick. Seriously, I know she can be irritating but she can rock the heck out of some leather pants. He gets the biggest entrance every year and it takes up a bunch of the spotlight but I can live with it if she’s in outfits like that.

Rollins’ entrance involves holding up a torch and touching it to the ground, sending digital flames down the ramp. I get the burn it down thing but it’s rather lame, along with coming after the really cool entrance. Well done again HHH, as he continues to be smarter than most wrestlers today.

They waste no time in slugging it out with Rollins getting the better of it (therefore I must remind you: HHH once won a slugout with modern day Brock Lesnar) to knock HHH outside. A dragon screw legwhip takes Rollins down by the knee that wasn’t hurt in the first place. Rollins shrugs it off and punches him away, followed by an enziguri back inside. The suicide dive sends HHH into the barricade and it’s already time for the announcers’ table. As usual, Rollins tries a Pedigree onto the table but gets countered with a DDT which doesn’t break the table.

HHH cranks up the violence with a chair to the knee before bridging Rollins’ knee between the ring and the table so he can drive his own knee into Rollins’. Back in and the slow knee work continues, because that’s how HHH loves to work on a show this big. Rollins tries the sunset bomb but hurts his knee all over again. It’s fine enough to hit the Buckle Bomb and a hard whip sends HHH over the corner to the floor. With HHH staggered, Rollins goes up top (Graves: “He’s screwed if he hits this or not.”) and scores with a high crossbody to the floor.

Since it’s an anything goes match, Rollins loads up a pair of chairs and a table on the floor instead of just bashing HHH with the chair. A frog splash to the back keeps HHH down but he kicks the knee out to cut Rollins off again. HHH takes forever to get up top though and gets a chair pelted at his head, setting up the superplex into the Falcon Arrow for two. You know, on the bad knee.

Stephanie breaks up the Phoenix Splash by pulling the knee onto the ropes and we hit a reverse Figure Four. That’s reversed into a Gargano Escape of all things but HHH goes smart by punching him in the knee. The reverse Figure Four goes on outside so Rollins reaches underneath the ring to find weapons. Naturally this includes the sledgehammer but HHH lets the hold go.

Back in and Rollins’ knee is fine enough for a low superkick to the face, followed by an enziguri to really hammer the point home. Stephanie takes the hammer away from Rollins though and a Pedigree gives HHH two. The fans barely even reacted to that one and I can’t say I blame them.

HHH channels his inner CM Punk and loads up a super Pedigree but gets backdropped down (already done by Bayley earlier). Now the Phoenix Splash gets two but neither can hit a Pedigree. Instead HHH hits him in the knee but walks into a superkick, which knocks Stephanie off the apron and through a table. That wakes the fans WAY up just in time for the Pedigree to give Rollins the pin at 25:25.

Rating: B-. This is an interesting one I was bored out of my mind watching it live but it flies by watching it back. That being said, the constant knee work got very dull, especially when it wasn’t even Rollins’ bad knee. As usual, the Stephanie bump got by far the strongest reaction of the night because it’s something you don’t see very often. It’s not a bad match at all but you EASILY could have chopped off ten minutes and no one would have missed a thing.

Pitbull performs the theme song and eats up way too much time.

We recap Randy Orton vs. Bray Wyatt for the Smackdown World Title. Orton joined the Wyatt Family after becoming tired of being beaten down by the team. Then he won the Royal Rumble and promised to never cash in the title shot on new champion Wyatt. It wound up being a ruse though and Orton used his newfound access to the Wyatt Family compound to destroy the whole place. Then Bray poured Sister Abigail’s ashes over himself and gained her powers as this story got REALLY stupid. There was also something about Luke Harper nearly becoming #1 contender that went nowhere but warrants a quick mention.

Smackdown World Title: Bray Wyatt vs. Randy Orton

Orton is challenging and has a viper go down the ramp, which he himself called stupid. We get the Big Match Intros and Orton takes him down with a Thesz press and some right hands. They head to the floor for more right hands but Bray goes caveman with a running headbutt back inside. And then the lights go out (which I thought was a blackout) until the mat is covered with a projection of maggots. We’re about two minutes into the match and this is already in the pantheon of dumbest ideas ever.

Bray runs him over again and this time it’s worms on the mat. The referee jumps out of the ring, possibly because he wants to go work for a sensible company like TNA. A Rock Bottom into a backsplash gives Bray two but Sister Abigail is countered into a rollup for two. I mean, it doesn’t matter as they’ve completely lost the fans after that stupid, STUPID idea but never let that stop WWE.

They head outside again with Bray diving off the apron and straight into a dropkick. Sister Abigail into the barricade drops Orton again but he’s back up with an RKO to knock Bray silly on the floor. That’s only good for two back inside and Sister Abigail is countered into the backbreaker. Orton’s hanging DDT looks to set up the RKO but this time Sister Abigail connects for two. But hang on because let’s hit those roaches to complete the trio of stupid! Orton is finally done with all this nonsense and hits the RKO for the pin and the title at 10:13.

Rating: F. You are the winter, fall and spring. You are the sun that summertime brings. You are the stars in the nighttime sky. You are my girl and I’m your guy. You got me all tied up in knots and I’m lovin’ you lots and lots. I’m just lovin’ you lots and lots. I’m lovin’ you lots and lots.

That doesn’t make sense? Neither does what we just saw. Moving on.

The pilots from the flyover are here. That’s kind of cool.

We recap the Universal Title match, which all started because of a video game. Goldberg came back at Survivor Series to face Brock Lesnar in a rematch of the nightmare that was Wrestlemania XX. In a shocker, Goldberg won in about a minute and a half. Then it was decided that Goldberg could win the title again. He went on to eliminate Brock from the Royal Rumble and then won the Universal Title in about thirty seconds at Fastlane. Lesnar needed to defeat Goldberg once and for all so we’re having the match for the title tonight. This is all narrated by Paul Heyman, who talks about fantasies coming to an end in a nice touch.

Here’s the thing: you could do this same story without the title. Have Lesnar put up his career to get one more shot at Goldberg (it’s not like there was any doubt on the winner here anyway) so let us have the original plan: Owens dropping the title to Jericho (who never won the World Title as a face) and then Lesnar winning it the next month. Nah. We need GOLDBERG winning the title in a nostalgia moment for whatever reason.

Universal Title: Goldberg vs. Brock Lesnar

Goldberg is defending and gets the long walk to the ring which might as well be the long walk to the gallows. Lesnar wastes no time and hits three German suplexes in nineteen seconds. In a great visual, the camera is on Lesnar when Goldberg cuts him down with a spear. A second spear sends Lesnar bailing and the third spear takes Lesnar through the barricade. That’s the first MINUTE of this match as they’re certainly starting fast.

Back in and both finishers are escaped, setting up another spear to Lesnar. The Jackhammer gets two, making Lesnar the second person to ever kick out (the other being Hogan, who only did it because of a missed cue). That means another spear (Heyman: “HE’S IN POSITION AGAIN!”) but this time Lesnar leapfrogs him and Goldberg hits the buckles. More suplexes (make it ten total) set up the F5 to officially conquer Goldberg at 4:47.

Rating: B. This was PERFECT for what they had to work with. Goldberg wasn’t going to be out there for a long match (he didn’t in his prime either) and they went with the right path. This was as action packed of a nearly five minute match as all you could have done. That first spear looked awesome and Goldberg gets to go out on his big moment. I’m pleased, though not as much as Goldberg, who probably made a ton of money for less than ten minutes combined of wrestling time in his comeback.

Smackdown Women’s Title: Alexa Bliss vs. Naomi vs. Becky Lynch vs. Carmella vs. Mickie James vs. Natalya

Alexa is defending and this is the most thrown together match that I can remember in a good while. They’re also rushing through the entrances due to the time issues. You know, because NOW they care about time issues. Naomi is the hometown girl and MY GOODNESS the Glow entrance is a sight to behold in a stadium. There are no tags of course so it’s a big brawl to start.

Naomi gets sent to the floor for a double suplex from Natalya and Carmella. Back in and Becky kicks the two of them down but James Ellsworth (Remember that?) grabs Becky’s foot to take over. Bliss breaks up a cover and screams at Carmella to get out of her ring. The DDT gets two on Natalya but Becky breaks it up this time, only to have Ellsworth come in. No Chin Music is countered into a Bexploder and it’s Naomi coming back in this time.

Naomi slingshots in to sunset flip Natalya, who German suplexes Becky at the same time. Speaking of the same time, Natalya tries a double Sharpshooter on Carmella and Naomi but can’t get the legs up. Well, not surprising, but it’s so bad that the camera cuts to her back. Naomi comes back in for a Rear View to Bliss and a big dive to take everyone out. Back in and Naomi’s reverse Rings of Saturn makes Bliss tap for the title at 5:33.

Rating: D. The timing issues KILLED this and there’s no way around it. Much like the ladder match earlier, there’s nothing you can do when you have five minutes and six people in a match. Naomi winning the title back is cool, but I still have no idea why her winning it back in her hometown is supposed to be some huge deal. Yeah it’s cool, but it’s not like this is some great moment.

Wrestlemania XXXIV is in New Orleans. Those songs will drive you crazy by the end of the weekend.

New Day comes out to thank the fans for the record attendance of 75,245. The team is still funny but egads they could have been cut out of this whole thing and not been missed.

We recap Roman Reigns vs. Undertaker. Reigns eliminated him from the Rumble and now we have a match to determine who is the real Big Dog.

Jim Ross is out to do commentary for the main event. That’s even more impressive when you consider his wife died days before this show.

Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns

No holds barred, first announced before the entrances. Reigns is booed out of the stadium, as has become a custom. In a smart move, Undertaker rises from the middle of the ramp (with a cool visual of smoke building up and clearing to reveal him standing there). I completely missed this as I was looking at the stage and then glanced down to the ring and saw him climbing the steps.

Undertaker slugs away in the corner to start and knocks Reigns to the floor. Back in and Reigns knocks him over the top as well, with Undertaker landing on his feet. Reigns hammers him down to take over and they head outside so this can be more of a brawl, which is the only way to go. The apron dropkick (to a standing Undertaker) puts Undertaker down again but he wins a slugout back inside. Reigns hits him in the face and Undertaker just looks mad.

Snake Eyes and the big boot set up the legdrop for two. The threat of a chokeslam sends Reigns outside again and this time the apron dropkick is punched out of the air. Another dropkick staggers Undertaker but it’s a chokeslam onto the announcers’ table. They climb onto the other tables and it’s a spear to drive Undertaker through (almost in a running spinebuster) for the double knockout.

Reigns is the only one back in….and Undertaker sits up. Back in and Reigns does the corner clotheslines into the corner right hands, meaning the Last Ride (an AWFUL one at that with little impact and more Undertaker dropping Reigns than slamming him down). It’s chair time but Undertaker takes it away and beats him down instead. A quick Superman Punch knocks Undertaker into the ropes but another is countered into a chokeslam onto the chair.

The Tombstone gets two and the fans, who are supposed to be smart at Wrestlemania, seem shocked at the kickout. Off the first Tombstone. In a Wrestlemania match. Who’s the smart one here? Another Tombstone is loaded up but this time Reigns backflips….and just can’t lift Undertaker for the counter. They try a few more times but just stop for the sake of embarrassment with Reigns trying a Superman Punch instead.

The spear connects but Undertaker is fine enough to put on Hell’s Gate. The rope is reached for a break (erg) and Reigns unloads with the chair. Another spear gets another two and another spear gets another two and another Superman Punch (Undertaker sits up and falls over) sets up another spear to give Undertaker his second Wrestlemania loss at 22:57. That last sequence took nearly five minutes.

Rating: D+. It’s not terrible, but Undertaker looked like an old man who should have hung it up a few years ago. The problem here was the crowd being completely dead and it showed really badly. There’s only so much energy you can have in an academic match at the end of a seven hour show. Reigns winning makes complete sense but it was a bad match (the botches and CRAZY amount of time spent standing around didn’t do it any favors) and there’s no way around that.

Reigns gets the big pyro display behind him as he stands on the ramp (great shot) but we’re not done yet. Undertaker slowly sits up and we go to a bunch of replays. Back to live and it’s Undertaker standing in the ring with the hat and coat on. I use that term loosely as it looks like Mark Callaway standing there dressed as Undertaker. For the first time, it seems like we’re seeing the real person instead of the character, which is a MAJOR change for him.

He looks around to the crowd, takes off his gloves, coat and hat and folds them up in the ring. With the fans applauding, he goes outside, kisses Michelle McCool, and walks up the ramp. Undertaker stops, looks back one more time, raises the fist, and lowers down through the ramp, fist still in the air, to end the show with the gong sounding one more time. There was no commentary for the last ten minutes, without even a goodbye (appropriate here).

That’s about as perfect of a sendoff as WWE has ever done. It was emotional, it felt special, and it came off like the real thing. Undertaker is the last vestige of that older generation and him breaking character for the first time ever and leaving is incredible to see. It’s why I don’t want to see him wrestle again and why it makes me sad to think that he will. Incredible stuff, and Thank You Taker.

Overall Rating: C+. There’s no way around it: this show is way way way way way way way WAY too long. I got through an hour of the show a few days back (you know I’m not watching this in one sitting) and looked down at the bar in near horror of how little space I had covered. Five hours, plus TWO HOURS of a Kickoff Show is just too much, especially when there’s stuff to be cut. What could be cut? Well off the top of my head:

AJ vs. Shane (move AJ to ANYTHING else and drop Shane) entirely or at least cut it down by about eight minutes

Corbin vs. Ambrose (I know it’s the Intercontinental Title but on a show this huge, it’s understandable)

Smackdown Women’s Title (it’s just nothing and felt like total filler)

Five to ten minutes each off of Reigns vs. Undertaker and HHH vs. Rollins (those combine for nearly fifty minutes total)

Pitbull

AT LEAST get this down to four and a half hours of main show. That can’t be too much to ask, right?

Other than the timing issues though, the show is mostly solid. There’s a ton of good stuff up until the mixed tag and then things start to fall apart. The Universal Title match was as perfect as it was going to be get but there’s just so much bad around it (Bray vs. Orton, Reigns vs. Undertaker, HHH vs. Rollins in that match that is still going on somewhere, with HHH still working the knee) that the good is dragged down.

At the end of the day, it all comes back to the timing issues as there’s almost no way to make a show this long work. It’s too much to sit through and it becomes a chore at the end. Just cut this down by a good hour (or two) and things are much better, but bigger is better for WWE and that’s not changing anytime soon. As it is, the show works more than it misses but it’s still not a classic by any means.

Ratings Comparison

Neville vs. Austin Aries

Original: A-

2018 Redo: B

Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Original: D

2018 Redo: D-

Dean Ambrose vs. Baron Corbin

Original: C+

2018 Redo: C-

Shane McMahon vs. AJ Styles

Original: B

2018 Redo: B

Kevin Owens vs. Chris Jericho

Original: B

2018 Redo: C+

Sasha Banks vs. Bayley vs. Charlotte vs. Nia Jax

Original: C-

2018 Redo: D

Hardy Boyz vs. Anderson and Gallows vs. Enzo Amore/Big Cass vs. Sheamus/Cesaro

Original: B

2018 Redo: C+

John Cena/Nikki Bella vs. The Miz/Maryse

Original: D

2018 Redo: D-

HHH vs. Seth Rollins

Original: C+

2018 Redo: B-

Bray Wyatt vs. Randy Orton

Original: F

2018 Redo: F

Brock Lesnar vs. Goldberg

Original: B

2018 Redo: B

Naomi vs. Alexa Bliss vs. Becky Lynch vs. Carmella vs. Mickie James vs. Natalya

Original: D-

2018 Redo: D

Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns

Original: D+

2018 Redo: D+

Overall Rating

Original: B

2018 Redo: C+

Yeah I overrated a lot of this the first time around. It’s good, but not that good.

Here’s the original review if you’re interested:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2017/04/07/wrestlemania-xxxiii-a-long-wait-for-a-long-show-with-a-long-ramp/

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and head over to my Amazon author page with 30 different cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

AND

Remember to check out Wrestlingrumors.net for all of your wrestling headline needs.

Wrestlemania XXXIII
Date: April 2, 2017
Location: Camping World Stadium, Orlando, Florida
Attendance: 75,245
Commentators: Michael Cole, Corey Graves, Byron Saxton, John Bradshaw Layfield, David Otunga, Tom Phillips
America the Beautiful: Tinashe

Here we go. I really don’t think Wrestlemania needs much of an introduction, especially just a few days after it took place. This is an interesting show as we have multiple potential main events, some of which have people more than a bit nervous. The show has serious potential though and that’s more than enough to rope me in. Let’s get to it.

I was in the stadium for the show so this is my second time seeing it. My seat was in the upper deck and I had the hard cameras opposite me with the set (amazing visual which looked even better at night) on my right, basically in line with the upper right hand corner of the ring. This presented a bit of an issue as you could see two of the screens above the ring, meaning I was looking at most of one screen and the right side of another. In other words, when New Day was out for example and standing Woods, Big E. and Kofi, I was seeing Kofi, Woods, Big E., and Kofi again. That took some getting used to.

Before we get into the show, a few quick notes about the stadium. This was by far and away the easiest entrance to any Wrestlemania I’ve been to. After maybe seven minutes waiting for security, I walked into the stadium and had two or three people in line in front of me to scan my ticket. The previous two shows took well over half an hour to get in and seemed much more based on being unorganized than anything else.

The stadium itself wasn’t in the best shape and it took a long time to get around, especially since you can only change levels on the long sides of the building. Obviously it’s no AT&T Stadium but the place really didn’t come off as all that great looking. It wasn’t the best experience, but then again the stadium itself isn’t the reason we’re there so it doesn’t make a huge difference.

The ramp is HUGE, apparently running eighty yards and coming down from what would have been the second deck of stands.

Pre-Show: Austin Aries vs. Neville

Neville is defending after having destroyed the entire division for months. Aries is back from injury and the best possible option to take the title. In one of my favorite visuals, you can see Aries taking in the whole sight of the stadium. Feeling out process to start as the announcers talk about Aries’ eye injury.

Wristlocks don’t go anywhere so Aries armdrags him into an armbar. A backslide looks to set up the Last Chancery but Neville bails out to the floor. That’s fine with Aries as he takes a rest on the top rope. Back in and Aries wins another battle on the mat, this time with a basement dropkick to really rock the champ. Aries loads up a dive but gets kicked in the face, setting up a hard top rope dropkick for two.

We take a break and come back with Neville holding a chinlock, as is the common action when coming back for some reason. Neville takes too long yelling at the fans and misses a Phoenix splash, allowing Aries to hit the big ax handle to the floor. Another kick to the face stops Aries but he shoves the superplex away.

One heck of a missile dropkick (that looked great) gets two on Neville, who responds by sending Aries into the ropes for a snap German suplex. They’re just beating the heck out of each other and trading big shots. A bridging German suplex gets two on Aries and Neville cranks up the trash talking as only he can (the accent really does help in that area).

Aries flips out of the Rings of Saturn and scores with the discus Fivearm to send Neville to the floor. Neville gets pulled back in for a top rope hurricanrana and the 450 connects for a SWEET false finish. There’s the Last Chancery in the middle of the ring but Neville rips at Aries’ eye (which was recently reconstructed), setting up the Red Arrow to retain the title at 15:39.

Rating: A-. Well that worked. This was one of the matches that a lot of people wanted to see coming into this show and it’s easy to see why. I was really happy to see this moved to the pre-show as it meant the match would have time instead of being lucky to get six minutes. These guys beat the heck out of each other and the extra time did them a lot of good. Instead of doing a bunch of flips, this was a heavyweight style match between two guys who hit each other really, really hard and only one of them could stay up. There’s almost a guaranteed rematch and that’s a very good thing.

Pre-Show: Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal

Aiden English, Apollo Crews, Bo Dallas, Braun Strowman, Chad Gable, Curt Hawkins, Curtis Axel, Dolph Ziggler, Epico, Fandango, Goldust, Heath Slater, Jason Jordan, Jey Uso, Jimmy Uso, Jinder Mahal, Kalisto, Killian Dain, Konnor, Luke Harper, Mark Henry, Mojo Rawley, Primo, R-Truth, Rhyno, Sami Zayn, Simon Gotch, Sin Cara, The Big Show, Tian Bing, Titus O’Neil, Tyler Breeze, Viktor

Only Big Show and Braun Strowman get introductions. We see Rob Gronkowski in the front row, just in case you wanted to have some drama about the ending. Braun tosses Primo at the bell and Kalisto goes out a few seconds later. What in the world happened to him? Gotch and Slater are gone, followed by Jey Uso and Goldust. Everyone has been put out by Big Show and Strowman so far to really hammer the idea home.

Show gets rid of Konnor and it’s time for the big showdown. Sami breaks it up though and the masses get rid of Show. Strowman dumps Viktor but the rest of the match gets together to eliminate him as well. A break is teased but the audio just goes off for a bit with the video staying on. Hawkins is out and things slow WAY down after a very fast three minutes.

That makes sense though as you have to get rid of a bunch of the dead weight in this thing. Ziggler is sent to the apron for a second time but hangs on again and manages to backdrop Truth out. Rhyno follows him to the floor and Mahal puts Ziggler on the apron again to no avail. American Alpha dumps English, Axel and Jimmy Uso as the ring is rapidly clearing out.

The announcers talk about a commercial break but the video never stopped. Rather odd but I’ll always take extra wrestling. A bunch of people get rid of American Alpha and Bing gets rid of Breezango. Henry tosses Sin Cara onto the pile but gets dumped a few seconds later. There’s nothing to talk about in between these eliminations, as is so often the case in these things.

Ziggler superkicks Bing out and the Helluva Kick eliminates Epico. We’re down to Zayn, Ziggler, Rawley, Dain, Mahal, Crews, O’Neil, Harper and Dallas. Harper sends Ziggler to the apron AGAIN but Titus makes a rather stupid save. You can tell it’s bad when even JBL calls him out on it. Rawley eliminates Dallas (you can hear the booing….er, Bo-ing) and Crews goes out a few seconds later.

Mojo finally gets rid of Ziggler and Titus kicks Harper out (Huh?) to get us down to five. Sami clotheslines Titus to the floor but gets dumped by Dain to suck the life out of the crowd. Mahal is down in the corner so we get Mojo vs. Dain, which sounds a lot more interesting than I was expecting. A tackle actually drops the monster but Mahal sends Mojo through the ropes to the floor.

As you might expect, they wind up right in front of Gronkowski and arguing ensues. Mahal throws a drink at him and it’s time to jump the barricade, with the security guard running over to calm things down, only to have the referees come over to smarten her up. There’s something hilarious about them saying it’s that scripted but I’ll take this over the Big Show vs. Shaw match.

Gronkowski gets in and runs Mahal over and Rawley hits the running right hand to Dain, setting up a clean elimination. Mahal gets sent to the apron and eventually the running fist gives Mojo the win at 14:08. I was legitimately scared they were going to give it to Mahal at the end so well done on the fake out.

Rating: D. Yeah it was boring (and flat out bad at times) but it was on the pre-show and we got a good choice for the winner (and not just because I picked Rawley for the win). This is the kind of match where you can give someone a rub without damaging anyone else so if it bombs, no one loses anything as a result. The Gronkowski stuff was harmless (and gave me a good laugh with the referees having to get rid of security) and Rawley is going to energize the crowd. Also, what the heck happened to Strowman? He goes from a potential main eventer to this in a month? Really?

Pre-Show: Intercontinental Title: Baron Corbin vs. Dean Ambrose

Ambrose is defending after eliminating Corbin from the Elimination Chamber. Corbin retaliated by CRUSHING AMBROSE WITH A FORKLIFT because that’s an appropriate response. For some reason we see the Gronkowski stuff during Ambrose’s entrance. Eh I’m sure showing a highlight that’s going to be on Sportscenter is more important than a title match at Wrestlemania.

Ambrose charges right at him and gets dropped twice in a row. Corbin tries his slide underneath the bottom rope and gets taken down by a suicide dive. Back in and Dean is sent ribs/back first into the post as the beatdown begins. We get another audio break with no video break and come back (I think?) with Corbin working on the ribs. A choke shove (stop stealing from Alexa Bliss) drops Ambrose for two and Baron sends him into the barricade to vent some frustration.

Back in and we hit the chinlock with Dean looking more bored than in pain. Corbin is sent shoulder first into the post but the top rope elbow is partially blocked. Dirty Deeds is fully blocked but Corbin is sent outside. Dean sends him into the steps and now the top rope elbow connects. Back in and Deep Six gets two on the champ, only to have the rebound lariat put Corbin down as well. Corbin gets up first and starts talking trash, only to take too much time with End of Days, allowing Ambrose to grab Dirty Deeds to retain at 10:54.

Rating: C+. I really don’t get the idea here as this should have been Corbin winning the title to end Ambrose’s fairly nothing reign. The match was completely watchable and Ambrose winning made the fans happy (the only reason I can imagine to have him win) so it’s hardly a horrible choice. Just a bit headscratch inducing.

And now, after that two hour pre-show, here’s the five hour (and ten minute) regular show!

Tinashe sings America the Beautiful. I’m not sure who she is but she’s an attractive woman and has a very pretty voice. Some military jets fly over.

The opening video focuses on the Ultimate Thrill Ride concept with a camera going down a roller coaster. Almost everyone on the card is seen at one point. All of the usual suspects were booed out of the building, though Miz and Maryse got one heck of a pop. Lesnar received a mixed reaction, which could make for one heck of an interesting Raw World Title match.

Here’s New Day, our hosts for the evening, to open things up. We also get the first pyro of the show, which is a very bad thing for someone who doesn’t like loud noises (And is sitting in the upper deck with a fear of heights. Why did I go to this again?). New Day is in Final Fantasy gear, which I’m sure Cole read off a card. Kofi and Big E. have swords while Woods only has the trombone. Apparently a bunch of names were considered for this job but New Day was the final choice.

Big E. says it’s time to pull our levers, which freaks Woods and Kofi out. In a very funny moment, Big E. keeps flicking his eyes over at Woods with a VERY knowing smile, drawing a huge laugh. He meant pull the lever on the Ultimate Thrill Ride because New Day rocks. This was short but illustrated the point that New Day really doesn’t need to be here. Also, somehow there was no mention of the ice cream all weekend. I really can’t imagine they couldn’t find a way to throw those together, just for a novelty if nothing else.

We recap Shane McMahon vs. AJ Styles, which I really wouldn’t have bet on opening the show. AJ was mad that he wasn’t on the card and blamed Shane, eventually throwing him head first through a car window. Shane wanted to fight and we’re having a match (yes a wrestling match instead of a street fight etc) as a result.

AJ Styles vs. Shane McMahon

There’s something so cool about the wind blowing the wrestlers’ hair around. It makes things feel more unique for some reason. AJ hammerlocks him to start and promises to embarrass Shane. A snapmare takes Shane down again and AJ does Shane’s dance for a nice touch. Shane actually grabs a headlock takeover and some armdrags, sending a frustrated Styles outside.

Back in and AJ wants to know if they’re fighting or wrestling. It turns into a quick boxing match with Shane’s horrible looking shots taking over, only to have AJ pull him to the floor. A baseball slide puts Shane over the announcers’ table (Why do I have a feeling that’s going to be a big target tonight?) before they head back inside for another strike off. AJ gets the better of it but his springboard is broken up to give Shane his first opening.

That means it’s time to pepper AJ in the jaw, including the jumping back elbow. An Angle Slam gets one but Styles comes right back with a Calf Crusher but Shane reverses into a rear naked choke. That goes into a cross armbreaker as the MMA vs. wrestler shenanigans continue. AJ finally rolls out and a double clothesline puts both guys down. Thankfully it’s AJ up first with the springboard 450 but Shane is right there to catch him in a triangle choke.

AJ reverses that into a one leg/arm Styles Clash for two (because that move is worthless anymore) and both guys are spent. A slugout goes to Shane but the referee gets bumped, allowing AJ to go and grab a trashcan. As luck would have it he loads up Shane for the Coast to Coast, which is broken up by Shane using the can to knock him out of the air.

Shane is able to hit the Coast to Coast (as the referee, who is on his back and coming to, somehow sees NONE of this) for two. That means it’s time for the elbow through the table but Shane moves, giving us our first broken table of the night. The Phenomenal Forearm is countered into a Maivia Hurricane DDT, only to miss the Shooting Star. Now the Forearm is enough to give AJ the pin at 20:30.

Rating: B. First and foremost, this was WAY better than it had any right to be, which means I’m going to have a hard time finding anything to really complain about. Above all else, it’s a bit longer than it needed to be and it was clear that this was ALL AJ, who was walking Shane through every single step. Granted a lot of that has to do with Shane not being a wrestler who doesn’t need to be in this spot in the first place. At least AJ won a good match at Wrestlemania though, which he certainly deserved to do at some point in his career.

James Ellsworth eats a Snickers and turns into Charlotte. So based off last year’s commercial, Ellsworth is also Zack Ryder? I think I can live with this as these commercials are funny.

We recap Kevin Owens vs. Chris Jericho. They were best friends but Owens was just using Jericho to watch his back. Jericho realized that the people were all his friends and now is out to defend his title and get some revenge on Owens for attacking him. I really, really liked this story as the Festival of Friendship was so over the top and entertaining but they paid it off perfectly with Owens having his own list with Jericho’s name on it. That gave us a reason to care about Jericho and hate Owens all the more, which is what makes wrestling work so well instead of quick swerves and ridiculous stories that only work to a degree on paper.

US Title: Kevin Owens vs. Chris Jericho

Jericho is defending and we even get a return of the countdown in the form of a list counting down from ten to one. If that’s not awesome enough for you, Jericho has a light up scarf. They slug it out to start with Jericho getting the Walls less than thirty seconds in. Owens bails to the floor but gets caught with a dive. The fans chant STUPID IDIOT as Jericho drops a top rope ax handle but charges into a superkick.

Owens hits a Cannonball inside and another on the apron, which shows some nice balance if nothing else. We hit the trash talk with Owens asking where Jericho’s friends are now before hitting the chinlock, which no one can break of course. The apron powerbomb is countered with a backdrop but Owens comes right back with the package piledriver slam for another near fall.

Owens takes him to the top but gets pulled down with a hurricanrana. Naturally the Lionsault misses though and Jericho gets superkicked again. Owens is no Shawn though, meaning the Swanton hits Jericho’s raised knees. Thankfully Jericho can’t follow up because he’s holding his knees, which is something I’ve always wondered about when knees are used for a block. The Pop Up Powerbomb doesn’t work so Jericho elbows him down and scores with the Lionsault for two of his own.

Since it’s a Wrestlemania match, Owens steals the finisher by putting Jericho in the Walls, though they’re pretty easily escaped since it’s just a Boston crab. Back up and Owens hits his third superkick of the match, followed by the third Cannonball but Jericho reverses into the Walls for a sweet counter. That’s escaped as well and now the Pop Up Powerbomb is good for two.

In the spot of the match, Owens loads up another Pop Up Powerbomb but gets countered into the Codebreaker. Jericho covers but Owens gets ONE FINGER on the ropes for the break. From the seats it looked like he just grabbed the rope so that’s a very nice touch (figuratively and literally). Jericho is stunned as Owens rolls outside. A kick to the leg is enough to set up an apron bomb to give Owens the pin and the title at 16:48.

Rating: B. This was an interesting match as they definitely had a good one but it feels like a step in a much longer story. The story called for a huge, violent match and I have a feeling that’s what we’ll get for the eventual rematch. It’s exactly what the long story called for with Owens beating Jericho clean and setting up the gimmick match. I still really liked it though and the story makes it all the better to go with the solid match.

We recap the Raw Women’s Title match. Charlotte and Sasha Banks traded the title for months on end until Charlotte won the blowoff match. That left Bayley to come after the title, which she won in a very odd/questionable booking choice on Raw, followed by a successful title defense at Fastlane, which ended Charlotte’s pay per view winning streak. Since it’s WWE, this set up a triple threat also involving Banks but Nia Jax was added as a monster because we just needed a fourth here.

Raw Women’s Title: Bayley vs. Sasha Banks vs. Charlotte vs. Nia Jax

Bayley is defending and this is under elimination rules. For some reason Bayley comes out first and slips on one of the tube men. At least it’s no Ultimo Dragon. Since she’s a Boss, Sasha rides on the back of a car, driven by a chauffeur, to the ring. In a great touch, Bayley looks worried by all three of her challengers. There’s also a sweet visual of Charlotte spinning on the ramp with the fireworks going off behind her.

Charlotte goes right after Nia with Sasha and Bayley helping, only to have the monster shrug them all off. Sasha and Bayley get splashed in the corner, leaving Charlotte to chop away at Nia. With Bayley and Sasha on the floor, Nia throws Charlotte onto them and everyone is down. Back in and everyone goes after Nia at the same time, including a big boot into a double belly to back suplex for two.

Nia runs them over again as a WE CAN’T SEE chant starts up from the fans across from the entrance. Apparently the lights were right in their eyes, which would be one of the most annoying possibilities at a show like this. Nia goes to the corner again but gets triple bombed out for the pin and the elimination at 4:14. Then what in the world was the point in having her in the match in the first place???

Charlotte bails to the floor and tells the two of them to fight, only to pull Bayley to the floor so Sasha can score with a flip dive. Charlotte busts out the corkscrew dive and hits it PERFECTLY for a change, which is an incredibly rare sight. Back in and Natural Selection is countered the Bank Statement but Charlotte slips out again.

With frustration setting in, Charlotte rips the middle buckle….partially off but gets caught by Sasha’s top rope double knees for two. Banks grabs a rollup, only to have Charlotte kick her into the turnbuckle pad (which was supposed to be the exposed steel) for the elimination at 8:18, leaving us with Bayley vs. Charlotte.

Bayley goes knee first into the steel but Charlotte misses the moonsault. The knee is too banged up though and Charlotte grabs the Figure Four, sending Bayley crawling to the ropes (which she doesn’t realize she could have grabbed ten seconds earlier). Charlotte ties her in the Tree of Woe but Bayley sits up and backdrops her down for a big crash. A Macho Elbow retains the title at 12:13.

Rating: C-. I really wasn’t feeling this one as they were rushing through the three eliminations and the ending felt a bit flat. This really just should have been a regular triple threat or Bayley beating Charlotte once and for all but why have the logical match when you can throw more people in there and have a big mess?

Cole says the ending is symbolic of the thirty year anniversary of Wrestlemania III when Savage fought Steamboat. You know, except for the fact that that show wasn’t thirty years ago to the day and Savage LOST there.

We recap the Hall of Fame ceremony. Teddy Long’s line of “I’m a holla holla holla famer!” was great.

The Hall of Fame Class of 2017 is presented:

Diamond Dallas Page (LONG overdue for what he did after retirement if nothing else)

Rock N Roll Express (Even longer overdue)

Rick Rude (I don’t see how anyone could complain about this)

Teddy Long (One of the most versatile performers ever)

Eric LeGrand (That’s fine of course)

Beth Phoenix (Good worker in a bad era)

Kurt Angle (One of the best of all time and easily deserving of the headlining spot)

This is almost ALL about Angle, as it really should be. The rest of the class is great but come on. It’s Kurt Angle. If nothing else it’s great to hear the music in WWE one more time for a big old YOU SUCK chant.

Raw Tag Team Titles: Enzo Amore/Big Cass vs. Sheamus/Cesaro vs. Anderson and Gallows

Anderson and Gallows are defending and this is a ladder match. In your trivia of the night, Enzo’s gear is apparently worth $50,000 due to jewelry and some one of a kind apparel. Sheamus and Cesaro come out in matching kilts and sunglasses. Actually hang on a second as here’s New Day (Remember them?) in their gear to say……we’ll pause for the DELETE chants…..that this is going to be a fatal fourway.

Raw Tag Team Titles: Enzo Amore/Big Cass vs. Sheamus/Cesaro vs. Anderson and Gallows vs. Hardy Boyz

And that’s your pop of the night, if not of the year. Cole: “THINGS ARE ABOUT TO BE BROKEN!” This is one of those things that we probably should have seen coming the second the ladder match was announced but I didn’t think they’d actually do it. They’re not Broken here but Matt still has the black and white hair and is doing a lot of the Broken poses.

It’s a huge brawl to start (as it should be) with the champs each taking Poetry in Motion. Enzo and Cass are quickly dispatched as well, followed by a Whisper in the Wind to Sheamus and Cesaro. The Hardys start cleaning house with the ladders but Gallows and Anderson come in to take them down. Sheamus and Cesaro come back in though with Cesaro coming off the ladder with a double stomp to Anderson’s ribs.

One of the ladders seems to be broken so Cass kicks people in the face. It’s time to bridge the ladders between the ring and the barricade with Enzo being launched over both of them to drop Gallows. Anderson gets Swung while Sheamus hits thirty forearms to Gallows’ chest. Sheamus and Gallows go up top but Enzo of all people makes the save.

Cass puts Enzo on his shoulders for the big climb but a quick save is made, only to have Enzo stay on the ladder, requiring Anderson to make the real save. The four power guys get into it but here’s Matt with a Twist of Fate to Gallows. Cesaro and Sheamus are laid out on the bridged ladders….and Jeff gets out the big ladder. Cesaro is crushed while Sheamus just falls off of his ladder, leaving Matt to grab the belts for the win at 11:05.

Rating: B. My goodness what a moment. There’s almost no way to argue against them winning the titles and it really did make the show feel special. The Hardys are some of the biggest stars in the history of the division and perhaps the most amazing redemption stories in recent memory. This was a great moment and a very good match to boot. In your trivia of the night, this is the first time the Tag Team Titles have changed hands at Wrestlemania since XVII (pre-show doesn’t count).

We recap the Miz/Maryse vs. John Cena/Nikki Bella. This is built around the idea of Miz and Maryse being a real couple and Cena/Bella being a robotic couple who are only there for the cameras. Cena and Nikki finally started acknowledging their relationship on TV and a mixed tag was set, which set up some hilarious parodies of Total Bellas with Miz and Maryse impersonating Cena and Nikki.

This was almost a guaranteed setup for a proposal after the match, which might not have been the most interesting idea in the world to some but it’s something you just have to go along with. This story has made Miz the heavy face going in as it’s really easy to get his point about Cena/Nikki sounding robotic and only being in this for the sake of their brand.

John Cena/Nikki Bella vs. Miz/Maryse

Jerry Lawler is here as guest commentator and Al Roker is here as guest ring announcer in the definition of the most worthless celebrity cameo in Wrestlemania history. Cena runs down the ramp with Nikki joining him about halfway down for a nice entrance. The women start things off but Maryse tags out without doing anything. That means it’s off to the men so it’s time to hit the stall button.

Cena chases Miz outside but gets stomped on the way back in for the first contact nearly two minutes in. Maryse even gets in a slap as Miz is cheered all over the stadium. The running corner clothesline rocks Cena again as I don’t think he’s had any offense in the first four minutes. Lawler is stunned at the MIZ IS AWESOME chants so he switches to jokes about Maryse cheating on Miz. Cena gets kicked in the face a few times but avoids another running clothesline.

Maryse pulls Nikki off the apron though and a Reality Check drops Cena again. A quick AA attempt is countered into a short DDT for two, followed by the YES Kicks. Miz tells Nikki that she can’t see him, earning himself a slap into a backdrop over the top for Cena’s first significant offense in nearly eight minutes. There’s the hot tag to Nikki for a spear to Maryse, leaving Nikki to dive onto Miz. Nikki’s big forearm and the ProtoBomb set up stereo Five Knuckle Shuffles and the Rack Attack 2.0/AA for the double pins at 9:42.

Rating: D. So that happened. Miz dominated Cena for eight minutes, took three moves from him and then got pinned clean. Unfortunately this was about all you could have expected and that’s par for the course: Miz owns the world on the mic but we need to give Nikki her Wrestlemania moment. I really could have gone for Nikki pinning Maryse here but why do that when you can have Miz lose too?

Post match Cena tells a borderline creepy story about asking Nikki if she knew he would marry him while she was drugged up for surgery. Cena proposes and kissing ensues. Yeah it’s corny, yeah it feels forced and set up for a reality show but if they love each other, good for them. They kept this short and while it’s really not for me, I get that there’s an audience for this stuff. At least the fans didn’t boo it out of the stadium.

We recap HHH vs. Seth Rollins. HHH turned Rollins into his new protege a few years back, setting the stage for Rollins to win the WWE World Title. Then Rollins tore his ACL, which HHH interpreted as Rollins letting him down. Once Rollins came back, HHH cost him a chance to become Universal Champion and wrecked the knee again. Rollins had to sign a paper saying he couldn’t sue HHH or WWE for any injuries, making the match unsanctioned. At the end of the day, this match is about six months overdue and I’m not sure how many people care about it as a result. It’s not HHH vs. Reigns but it’s still nothing great.

HHH vs. Seth Rollins

Anything goes. In his annual over the top entrance, HHH comes out on a three wheeled motorcycle flanked by police motorcycles. This is completely redeemed by Stephanie as biker girl in leather pants. I know she gets on my nerves a lot but my goodness she looks great here. Seth has a torch for some reason, which I guess symbolizes burning the place down. Rollins kicks him to the floor to start but a dragon screw legwhip to the good knee takes Rollins down.

The knee is good enough for a springboard off the barricade into a clothesline, followed by a pair of suicide dives. It’s time to load up the German announcers’ table (which is next to a restored English announcers’ table) but HHH DDTs Rollins onto it instead with the table not breaking. A chair to the already bad knee gets us into the next phase of the match and Rollins is in big trouble.

HHH bridges the knee between the announcers’ table and the barricade before dropping his knee onto Seth’s knee. The leg work begins until a Downward Spiral sends HHH into the buckle. Seth tries a sunset bomb but bangs up his knee again, just like the way it was injured back in 2015.

The knee is fine enough for a Buckle Bomb, followed by a high crossbody to the floor to take HHH out again. It’s time to set up two chairs and a table (with Stephanie wisely telling HHH that the weapons are there). Rollins hits a frog splash for two but a kick to the knee makes him drop the chair.

Now things get a bit rough as HHH Pillmanizes the knee twice in a row. He goes up top for the third, only to have Seth pelt a chair at his head, setting up a superplex into the Falcon’s Arrow. So he had a knee that should have him back in rehab the day after this show, had it crushed by a chair twice in a row, and is up doing stuff off the top thirty seconds later? I know I complain about a lack of selling a bit too much but this is pretty far beyond anything realistic.

HHH throws him in the reverse Figure Four which put Rollins out for weeks but Rollins reverses into a modified Crossface. That goes nowhere so HHH chairs the knee again and puts the hold on outside. Rollins tries to go underneath the ring to find whatever he can, including a sledgehammer which he throws to HHH for reasons of general stupidity. They head back inside with Rollins not only being able to stand but also being able to win a slugout.

One heck of a clothesline turns Rollins inside out but he scores with an enziguri to knock the hammer away. A Stephanie distraction lets HHH get a Pedigree for a very close two so he teases a super Pedigree. That’s broken up as well so Rollins hits a Phoenix splash (oh come on) for two of his own. They trade Pedigree attempts until HHH is knocked into Stephanie, sending her through the table.

That one spot COMPLETELY woke the crowd up after this long match had sucked the life out of them and shows what happens when you finally give the fans the comeuppance that a villain has earned (granted it might be nice if it happened more than once a year but you take what you can get with Stephanie). Rollins hits the Pedigree for the pin at 25:25.

Rating: C+. Major knee issues aside, this was actually much, much easier to sit through on a second viewing. It was a horribly boring match live and I was checking out reaction to the show instead of paying attention to the match. This viewing felt like the time was cut in half and I never really got bored.

That being said, it’s still not a great match because it ran at least seven minutes too long and you can only watch HHH hit him in the knee so many times before Rollins is mostly fine a minute later before it loses its charm. I really have issues with Rollins having his knee crushed twice and hitting a Phoenix splash in the same match but that’s just how wrestling works these days. Rollins was out of action just a week ago and wasn’t cleared for the match but he can do this here? That’s not a bit of a stretch? It’s still a good enough match though and Rollins won, though he should have done this back in October or so.

Pitbull and company perform. You could actually see the fans stand up almost in unison and head for the concourse.

After that eats up about eight minutes (a far more reasonable time than Kid Rock’s 20+ minutes), we recap Bray Wyatt vs. Randy Orton for the Smackdown World Title. Orton was tormented by the Wyatt Family so he joined the team and won the Royal Rumble. It turned out that it was a ruse (which wasn’t exactly a shock, though it wasn’t meant to be) and Orton burned down Bray’s barn, which was Sister Abigail’s grave. Bray then rubbed the dirt from the grave on his face to make himself all powerful for the match. Yeah it doesn’t make a ton of sense and is a good example of why they’re better off staying vague with Wyatt’s stuff.

Smackdown World Title: Bray Wyatt vs. Randy Orton

Bray is defending and my goodness the Fireflies entrance looks amazing in a stadium. There’s no way you could look at this and not thing Wyatt is something very special. Orton, who comes out second for some reason, has a very cool entrance of his own with the fireworks shower returning and a digital snake that follows him down the ramp for something you don’t see very often.

Orton hits the powerslam early on but the threat of an RKO sends Wyatt bailing to the floor thirty seconds in. Back in and a hard headbutt puts Orton down….and there go the lights. With Orton down, maggots are projected down onto the mat. As you might expect, Orton immediately heads outside, which seems to show that it only wakes him up instead of causing him any kind of harm.

Bray runs him over again and hits a clothesline, which means it’s time to project worms on the mat. This changes nothing as they disappear and Bray just hits him a few more times. The release Rock Bottom and a backsplash give Bray two and they head outside for Sister Abigail into the barricade. Orton is right back up and rolling to the other side of the floor. Bray gives chase and runs right into the RKO.

That’s only good for two so Orton tries the Punt. Of course that’s countered so Orton settles for the backbreaker and hanging DDT, only to get caught in Sister Abigail. Orton is down again….and we’ve got cockroaches this time. Bray pulls him up and Orton is finally like “forget this nonsense” and hits the RKO for the pin and the title at 10:21.

Rating: F. I have no idea what to make of that and I’d pay to hear it explained. Not only do we have Wyatt choke AGAIN in the big match but Orton just hits his finisher to win the title after all that nonsense. I get the idea of playing mind games or whatever but could you at least try to have something that made sense? It didn’t even make sense in Bray’s world and that’s giving them a lot of ground.

Above all else though, it’s just a lame way to end the match. There’s no big moment, there’s no real storyline change, there’s no big climax. It’s just Orton shrugging off all the weird stuff and hitting his finisher for the 100% clean pin. Orton didn’t need the title and while there’s always the chance that Bray will get the title back in the rematch, but this was a big, big dagger to the knees of his career.

The pilots from the fly over are here.

We recap Brock Lesnar vs. Goldberg, which thankfully isn’t closing. Goldberg was awesome in the 90s and then had a horrible match with Lesnar in 2004. Then Goldberg retired for twelve years, only to return at Survivor Series 2016 and beat Lesnar in 90 seconds. He also eliminated Lesnar from the Royal Rumble so now we have one more match for the Raw World Title. Don’t you just see the money signs here?

Raw World Title: Brock Lesnar vs. Goldberg

Lesnar is challenging and Goldberg gets the full entrance because this show apparently doesn’t have a time limit. Lesnar hits the first German suplex eight seconds in and the third one connects less than ten seconds later. Goldberg pops up and hits back to back spears to send Brock outside for a third spear through the barricade. They’re both down and we’re not even a minute into this yet. Back in and the F5 is escaped, setting up a fourth spear.

The Jackhammer only gets two (I believe Hogan is the only other person to kick out of that, which I think was due to Nash missing his cue) and you can see the life come back into Heyman. Goldberg loads up another spear but Lesnar leapfrogs him, sending Goldberg into the buckle. Seven more German suplexes (for the sake of the Tye Dillinger TEN from the crowd) sets up an F5 to give Lesnar the title back at 4:47.

Rating: B. Given the circumstances, this was as good as it was going to get. Goldberg took a ton of bumps here and put Lesnar over completely clean on his way out as Lesnar looks like the Beast again. I’m really glad they didn’t even bother with anything other than big power moves because that’s all anyone wanted to see them do in the first place. It might not be a great match or anything resembling one but it was EXACTLY what these two should have done. The major downside though is the title likely going away for awhile as we build towards Reigns vs. Lesnar next year because that’s the main event no matter what.

Smackdown Women’s Title: Alexa Bliss vs. Naomi vs. Carmella vs. Mickie James vs. Natalya vs. Becky Lynch

Bliss is defending and this is one fall to a finish. They’re clearly rushing to get this started because NOW we care about saving time. Mickie, looking great here, comes out in a Native American headdress for a rather odd costume choice. Thankfully Carmella has James Ellsworth in the most over the top Wrestlemania themed gear you’re ever going to find. Naomi’s entrance is one heck of a trip with the colors going all over the place.

Everyone brawls to start and there’s almost no point in trying to call most of this. The big showdown is Mickie vs. Becky with Lynch cleaning house until Ellsworth grabs her boot, allowing Carmella to grab a hurricanrana. Bliss chokeshoves Carmella down and hits a Maivia Hurricane of her own for two as trash is talked. Some Bexploders clean house, including one to get rid of Ellsworth, but Mickie takes Becky down with a seated senton. Natalya loads up a German suplex on Becky with Naomi adding a sunset flip (after botching the first attempt) to send Becky flying.

Naomi and Carmella are put in a double Sharpshooter which falls apart before Natalya can even turn it over. The MickDT gets two on Becky and Mickie runs into a superkick (literally, as in she was out of range and had to move forward). Naomi clears the ring and hits the Rear View on Bliss before diving onto everyone else. Back in and Bliss punches Naomi out of the air, only to get caught in a weird submission (kind of a reverse Crossface actually) to give Naomi the title at 5:33.

Rating: D-. Yeah this really didn’t work and a lot of that is due to the time. They were crammed in there with as much action as they could fit into less than six minutes. This was more about getting the girls onto the stage in their special gear and having them try to do as much stuff as they could without seriously injuring each other. That’s on the company instead of the women so I certainly don’t blame them. Naomi winning was obvious and fine, though still not as important as WWE would have you believe.

New Day announces the attendance record of 75,245. Again, I forgot they were a part of this show.

We recap Undertaker vs. Roman Reigns. This is your pretty standard story: Undertaker is the old guard and Reigns is the new young star who thinks this is his yard. I know you hear this kind of story with Undertaker a lot but it really did feel different this time around.

Jim Ross makes a surprise return to call the main event. If you didn’t know something was up here, you should now.

Roman Reigns vs. Undertaker

This is announced as no holds barred, which is a new stipulation. In a very smart idea, Undertaker rises out of the middle of the ramp instead of walking all the way down. I completely missed that as I was looking at the stage and then glanced down to the ring as he was getting in. No matter how old he is, that entrance is still chilling live.

Undertaker starts fast and knocks Reigns to the floor and says this is still his yard. Back in and Reigns scores with a right hand before sending Undertaker over the top and right onto his feet. Reigns goes into the steps, only to come back with a Samoan drop to put Undertaker down. They head outside again with Undertaker popping him in the jaw to cut off the momentum, which makes sense from someone billed as a great striker. They head back inside again with the Snake Eyes into the big boot dropping Reigns for two.

Another trip to the floor (which really does suggest they’re hiding Undertaker’s limitations) sees Reigns try the apron boot and getting punched in the face again. Reigns tries again and gets chokeslammed onto the STRONGEST TABLE IN THE WORLD which again doesn’t break. Undertaker climbs onto the table but get speared through another one to put both guys down.

Reigns is up first and gets inside, only to have Undertaker sit up. Back in again and Reigns fires off the corner clotheslines but makes the mistake of raining in the punches, meaning a powerbomb out of the corner (hardly a Last Ride) gets two. It’s chair time and a series of shots look to set up a chokeslam, sending Reigns bailing for cover. Back in (again) and some Superman Punches rock Undertaker, only to have a third countered with a chokeslam onto the chair for two.

The Tombstone gets the same and you can feel the air go out of the arena, along with a BS chant. Undertaker loads up a second Tombstone but Reigns reverses…..and just can’t get Undertaker up. Eventually he just gives up and gets two off a Superman Punch for your horribly botched sequence of the match. The first spear connects but Undertaker pulls him into Hell’s Gate.

Reigns makes it to the ropes, which shouldn’t mean a thing in a no holds barred match. I believe that would be the third person ever to survive all of Undertaker’s finishers (HHH and Batista if memory serves). Undertaker is completely gassed so Reigns grabs the chair and wears him out, all the while imploring Undertaker to stay down. Two more spears add up to four and the fans try to believe that Undertaker has a chance.

Reigns Superman Punches him again so Undertaker sits up….only to collapse again. Undertaker pulls himself to his knees and says Reigns can’t do it…..before some miscommunication sees Reigns have to stop running the ropes and try it again. Another big spear puts Undertaker down for the pin and likely forever at 22:59.

Rating: D+. I don’t think anyone is going to consider this match great or even very good but it told a perfectly fine story (Undertaker gave it everything he had but just couldn’t last as long as the younger and stronger Reigns) and had some good enough moments at the beginning. It’s a good passing of the torch moment, albeit in a pretty bad match.

Reigns poses in front of the big fireworks display in what would normally end the show.

With Reigns gone, Undertaker is still down. The THANK YOU TAKER chants start up until he finally does the sit up. We look at some replays and come back with Undertaker in the ring wearing his hat and coat underneath the blue lights. He looks around the stadium as this feels like Mark Calaway in Undertaker attire instead of the Undertaker. Almost looking like he’s in tears, Undertaker goes to the ropes but stops and goes back to the middle of the ring and looks around some more.

He takes off the gloves (just like last year), the coat and finally, with a heavy sigh, the hat, leaving all of them in a pile on the mat. Undertaker finally leaves the ring, kisses Michelle McCool in the front row, and walks up the stage to the riser that brought him up for his entrance. With one last look back (and what appear to be tears), Undertaker raises his fist one last time as he descends to the gong sounding and THANK YOU TAKER CHANTS.

As a wrestling fan, it’s very rare to have something reach you on an emotional level. That’s what happened here though, as this truly does seem to be Undertaker’s retirement. I know he took the gloves off last year but it was more of an afterthought than anything else. This felt like it’s finally over, and I think that’s for the best. Undertaker’s performances haven’t been great for a good while now and you can only trot him out there for so long. If they do bring him back, it’s going to be almost impossible to top this exit and I don’t think Undertaker is the kind of performer who would want to. Thank you Taker.

Overall Rating: B. This is an interesting case as there’s a lot of good stuff on here but at the same time there’s a lot of bad dragging the good way back down. Let’s get the big problem out of the way first: this show is way, way too long and it kills so much momentum. Unless you’re a Wrestlemania XVII level show, this is too much in one night and there’s no way to keep up the energy.

Now that being said, a major upgrade over last year was we knew it was going that long. With XXXII, it wasn’t clear when things were going to end and that made an incredibly long night feel even longer. You do reach a point where there’s no reason to keep going other than to fill time, which this show didn’t quite reach. Yeah I was getting tired, but I knew when the show was ending and it took away a lot of the dragging feeling.

It also helped that there was no 30 minute Shane vs. Undertaker match (hour long segment), no 27 minute waiting period (another nearly hour long segment) disguised as a match while we counted down until the most obvious ending ever and no Rock playing with a flamethrower for five minutes. Undertaker vs. Reigns, which eventually feeling obvious, didn’t come off like we were just waiting around for Reigns to spear him down for the pin.

I never felt like this show was desperately trying to fill time or make the show longer. This time around it felt like they had put too much in, though nothing felt like it was just there for the sake of being there. Yeah there’s stuff that could be trimmed or cut, but this year it only feels like a bit could be cut off here and there. Last year, there’s probably a good hour that could be cut without too much trouble.

As for the actual wrestling, I’d call it a big improvement as well. There wasn’t any blow away match (unless you count the pre-show) but other than the Smackdown World Title match (which was mainly the booking more than anything else) and the Women’s Title match (time more than anything else), nothing on here was really terrible. There may not be a classic but there’s more than enough good to bring the show up.

Overall, the show is certainly entertaining and I had a better time watching it back than watching it live (not surprising as I did so over the course of two days). It’s a marked improvement over the previous year’s effort, though there are still some issues that are dragging it down. Trim the show down (wrap it up before midnight) by a bit and this show goes up a few more steps. As it is, it’s quite good but it has some major problems.

Results

AJ Styles b. Shane McMahon – Phenomenal Forearm

Kevin Owens b. Chris Jericho – Apron powerbomb

Bayley b. Nia Jax, Sasha Banks and Charlotte – Top rope elbow to Charlotte

Hardy Boyz b. Anderson and Gallows, Sheamus/Cesaro and Enzo Amore/Big Cass – Matt pulled down the titles

John Cena/Nikki Bella b. Miz/Maryse – AA to Miz and Rack Attack 2.0 to Maryse

Seth Rollins b. HHH – Pedigree

Randy Orton b. Bray Wyatt – RKO

Brock Lesnar b. Goldberg – F5

Naomi b. Carmella, Alexa Bliss, Mickie James, Becky Lynch and Natalya – Arm trap submission to Bliss

Roman Reigns b. Undertaker – Spear

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Impact Wrestling
Date: March 23, 2021
Location: Skyway Studios, Nashville, Tennessee
Commentators: D’Lo Brown, Matt Striker

We are on the road to Rebellion and that means it is time to start hammering home some of the card. This time around it is going to include an appearance from Kenny Omega and that means things are about to be dropped to focus on him. That makes sense given that he is the biggest star on the show, but it doesn’t do much for anyone around here once he leaves. Let’s get to it.

Here are last week’s results if you need a recap.

Don Callis leads Kenny Omega into the building.

Opening recap.

Deonna Purrazzo vs. Jazz

Non-title with Susan and Jordynne Grace here as well. They go to the mat to start with Jazz switching into a hammerlock. Back up and Jazz hits some snap jabs but a drop toehold puts her into the ropes. Susan gets in some choking and Purrazzo’s clothesline gets two. We hit the chinlock with a knee in Jazz’s back but she jawbreaks her way to freedom. Purrazzo misses a charge into the post, setting up Jazz’s spinning kick to the head for two. A facebuster gives Jazz two, mainly due to Susan putting the foot on the rope. Jazz goes for Susan and gets a shoe upside the head, allowing Purrazzo to get the pin at 6:24.

Rating: C-. Just a match here and odds are the ending sets up a rematch for Hardcore Justice, which may or may not be the best idea. Above all else, Purrazzo could use some fresh competition and Jazz will do fine as a short term challenger. I’m not sure what they are going to do at Rebellion, but at least Jazz should keep them covered for the time being.

The Good Brothers are telling stories to some of the locker room when Eddie Edwards comes in to mock them for suddenly being willing to change with the boys now that they have lost their titles. The Brothers leave and run into Decay, who mock them as well.

Johnny Swinger, a 26 year old male, gives us a commercial for Swinger’s Palace. Alisha Edwards (with an unlit cigarette and a graphic saying she has a problem) talks about how the cards keep moving around here. Lenny Powers, an out of work security guard, has shown his brother he isn’t the black sheep. Completely non disgruntled employee John E. Bravo is glad to be the dealer here. Come try your luck! This was funny.

Rohit Raju runs into Fallah Bahh, who has hit a rough patch and is sleeping in the studio. Raju yells at him and tells him to get it together. Violence is teased.

Here’s what’s coming tonight.

X-Division Title: TJP vs. Ace Austin

Austin, with Madman Fulton, is defending. They go to the exchange of holds to start, which shockingly enough goes to TJP. Austin manages to take him to the mat but TJP kicks him away without much effort. Back up and TJP dropkicks him into the corner, only to have Austin springboard out with a spinning kick to the head.

TJP gets dropped onto the apron and they head up top, with TJP being dropped down hard with a super gordbuster. We take a break and come back with Austin working on a half crab. That’s switched into a double chickenwing to keep TJP in trouble but he manages to reverse into an abdominal stretch. Austin breaks it up so TJP kicks him down, only to get kicked in the face.

Austin’s top rope Fameasser gets two but he misses a charge and gets caught in something like the Octopus in the ropes. That’s broken up so TJP misses the Mamba splash. A double clothesline puts both of them down for a bit, allowing Austin to try the Fold. TJP counters that into the Detonation kick into the Mamba splash but Fulton comes in for the DQ at 13:20.

Rating: C+. This was good while it lasted but you could see the ending coming from the second Fulton came through the curtain. That’s not a bad thing either, as the monster saving the champ who gets in trouble is as simple and effective of a booking trope as you can find. If nothing else, it makes the big title change down the line feel more important.

Josh Alexander runs in for the save.

We get a sitdown interview with Matt Cardona, who is ready to open all of the presents he sees around here. Cardona talks about how social media has meant a lot to his career, which brings him to Brian Myers accusing him of riding his coattails and following him to Impact. That isn’t the case, because Cardona is here for competition. If Myers wants a match, come get it, and then they’re done.

Trey Miguel runs into XXXL and a fight is teased but Tommy Dreamer pops up to say they can have an exploding ring barbed wire deathmatch at Hardcore Justice. XXXL leaves and Miguel wants to fight Romero tonight. Dreamer talks about what happens when someone gets in your head and warns Miguel not to go there.

Rohit Raju vs. Fallah Bahh

Bahh wastes no time in hitting a belly to belly but misses a crossbody. Raju hammers away but Bahh shrugs it off and hits a twisting slam. The Banzai Drop is up and Raju’s double stomp gets two. Bahh charges into the running knee but doesn’t go down. That leaves Raju to try a sunset flip but he has to avoid the sitdown splash, meaning it’s a crucifix with tights to finish Bahh at 3:49.

Rating: D+. Another match that didn’t have time to go anywhere but you could only expect to much out of this. Bahh has come a long way and him being the poor gambling addict is more of a character than he has had before, though I’m not sure how far he can go. Raju continues to be one of the bigger surprises in Impact as he has gone from nothing to a completely watchable star.

Kenny Omega and Don Callis say they will do their talking in the ring.

We get the Tony Schiavone/Tony Khan Dynamite preview, this time featuring Don Callis and Kenny Omega. We run down the card and Omega is not worried about facing Matt Sydal because there is a 0% chance of him earning a title shot.

The Good Brothers can’t get in to see Kenny Omega and aren’t happy about it. The idea that he’s not in his dressing room doesn’t seem to occur to them.

Here are Kenny Omega and Don Callis for a chat. Omega says this is his land and Callis promises that Omega will have the title sooner rather than later. Callis talks about his chat with Rich Swann last week. Swann can have anything he wants and all the success he wants, but he can’t get the One Winged Angel out of his head. We hear about how Omega is the greatest wrestler of all time and Callis is ready to suck all of the talent out of this company if it helps Omega.

Callis has prepared a tribute to the One Winged Angel and Omega talks about how scared everyone is to be around him. The day he arrived in Impact was the greatest day in the history of Impact, but it was Tuesday to Omega. There is no one here who can beat him and until he falls on a banana peel, no one is taking this title from him. They promise to destroy everyone here, including Rich Swann.

Eric Young talks about showing Rhino the truth and the monster inside of him.

Fire N Flava talk trash to Havok and Nevaeh. A match is set, but it’s non-title because the champs want them to earn something. Fire N Flava leave so here are Kaleb With A K and Tenille Dashwood to offer another alliance with Nevaeh. Again, it doesn’t go anywhere.

Acey Romero vs. Trey Miguel

Miguel starts fast but gets knocked out of the corner with a big forearm. After a quick trip to the floor, Miguel charges into a side slam and we take a break. Back with Romero hitting a splash for two and we hit the double arm crank. Miguel fights up with some forearms and a spinning kick to the head gets two. Another springboard is Pounced out of the air to give Romero two but Miguel gets smart by kicking the knee out. A springboard cutter sets up the top rope Meteora for the pin at 8:20.

Rating: C-. Another not so great match here but it worked out well enough. Miguel getting a win is a good thing after last week’s war against Sami Callihan. I’m not sure where Miguel goes from here, but as long as it isn’t another stupid version of “they hate each other and now they’re partners”, I think he’ll be fine.

Post match the beatdown is on but Sami Callihan makes the save. OH COME ON WITH HIS STUPID IDEA AGAIN.

Rich Swann isn’t sweating the One Winged Angel because every time he and Omega have been one on one, Swann has gotten the better of it. So it’s Omega who needs to be ready.

James Storm is ready for his 1000^th match around here and he’s ready to face Eric Young in #1000. Scott D’Amore comes in to make the match next week’s main event.

Here’s what’s coming next week.

Eddie Edwards vs. Karl Anderson

Feeling out process to start but Eddie picks up the pace with an overhead belly to belly. A clothesline over the top puts Anderson on the floor and there’s the suicide dive. We take a break and come back with a Doc Gallows distraction letting Anderson shove Eddie off the top and out to the floor. That’s enough for the referee, who makes Gallows…..sit in a chair.

Back in and Anderson cranks on the arm and neck for a bit before whipping Edwards hard into the corner. Commentary talks about the One Winged Angel some more but starts paying attention more during a chinlock. Eddie finally fights up and manages a release gordbuster. The Backpack Stunner gets two and the Blue Thunder Bomb is good for the same. The Gun Stun is broken up so Eddie tries an O’Connor roll, only to have the kickout send him into Gallows’ chair. Anderson hits a spinebuster for the pin at 13:48.

Rating: C+. I know the Good Brothers can be over the top with a lot of their antics but they can wrestle a pretty decent match when they are given the chance. Granted in this case it helps having Eddie Edwards in there because he can wrestle with anyone. Not a great match, but it was perfectly serviceable for a main event.

Post match FinJuice pops up to talk about how they have won all over Japan and talk about various young boy things, because this feud is still about Japan.

Overall Rating: C-. Omega’s promo was the highlight, and that is kind of the problem around here. I do get completely sick of Impact acting like Omega/FinJuice/anyone from any other promotion is like some kind of gift from Heaven but Omega really is a lot better than almost anyone here. Now if they could use that as a way to boost up Impact rather than Omega, we might be onto something. The wrestling and stories were mostly just ok, but this show was all about Omega. As usual.

Results

Deonna Purrazzo b. Jazz – Rollup after a shoe shot from Susan

TJP b. Ace Austin via DQ when Madman Fulton interfered

Rohit Raju b. Fallah Bahh – Crucifix with tights

Trey Miguel b. Acey Romero – Top rope Meteora

Karl Anderson b. Eddie Edwards – Spinebuster

 

 

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Impact Wrestling
Date: January 12, 2021
Location: Skyway Studios, Nashville, Tennessee
Commentators: Josh Matthews, Madison Rayne

It’s the go home show for Hard To Kill and that means we are going to be seeing the AEW people showing up again. There are a few other things to cover on the way there, but unfortunately that means we are likely to have more of the continuing adventures of Eric Young and Tommy Dreamer. Let’s get to it.

Here are last week’s results if you need a recap.

Opening recap, including a look at the end of last week’s AEW Dynamite.

Opening sequence.

Taya Valkyrie vs. Kimber Lee

Rosemary and Deonna Purrazzo are here too. Lee wastes no time in sending her into the corner and chopping away but Taya is back with a double leg takedown. Some chops in the corner have Lee out the floor but she is able to block the suicide dive. Back in and the full nelson with the legs has Taya in more trouble, followed by the chinlock. Lee cuts off a comeback attempt but a Swanton hits raised knees.

Taya makes the clothesline comeback and gets two off a shoulder block. A curb stomp doesn’t have much effect on Lee but the running knees in the corner work a bit better. Deonna puts Lee’s hand on the ropes for the break so Rosemary grabs her by the hair. Cue Susan to beat up Rosemary, with the distraction letting Lee roll Taya up for the pin at 9:13.

Rating: C. Lee is fine as a lackey for Purrazzo though I’m not sure where Susan is going to tie into the whole thing. That has been one of the wackiest things going in Impact for a long time now and as much as I hate to admit it, the thing is growing on me a bit. This worked out fine, though they are telegraphing the ending to the title match pretty hard.

We go to Kenny Omega’s bus where Don Callis tells the team that they need a win tonight. It is time for Karl Anderson to beat Rich Swann and everyone is cool.

Tony Khan and Tony Schiavone have a new paid announcement, with Khan praising Impact for all of its good things in 2020. They had these ads, Kenny Omega and getting to hear about AEW! We run down tomorrow’s Dynamite card but Khan isn’t sure that the Good Brothers are actual brothers.

Sami Callihan wants one more match against Eddie Edwards: Barbed Wire Massacre. Do we really have to do this again?

Hard To Kill rundown.

Chris Bey/Rohit Raju vs. Manik/Suicide

It’s a brawl to start with Suicide being sent to the floor. Manik doesn’t have time for the double teaming as Suicide comes back in with stereo backdrops putting Bey and Raju on the floor. Manik and Suicide both head underneath the ring, come back out from the same side, and hit stereo dropkicks to put the villains on the floor.

We take a break and come back with Manik and Suicide hanging in the ropes but getting knocked outside for their efforts. Things settle down to Suicide in trouble in the corner with Raju elbowing him in the mask for two. A belly to back suplex gives Bey two but Suicide reverses into a crucifix for the same.

Suicide manages to suplex him into the corner and rolls over for the hot tag to Manik (dang I miss crowd pops) to clean house. Suicide gets the Octopus on Bey while Manik stretches Raju’s abdominals. Both holds are broken up in a hurry so Raju goes for Manik’s mask. That doesn’t work out so Bey hits the Art of Finesse for the pin on Suicide at 12:42.

Rating: C+. Nice enough match here and it sets up Bey and Raju as the challengers for Manik’s title on Saturday. The story they’re doing may be a bit dated but it is the kind of thing that is always going to work, especially with the amount of talent from the people involved. They had a nice TV match here and Bey gets a boost on the way to the title match.

Taya Valkyrie yells at Rosemary over Susan, with Rosemary saying they (as in Rosemary and….whatever is in her head) will have this on Saturday. Valkyrie needs to get ready for her title match.

Cody Deaner vs. Tommy Dreamer

Eric Young, Joe Doering, Rhino and Cousin Jake are all here too. Deaner goes for the head to start and unloads in the corner until Dreamer avoids a charge. A slam drops Deaner but Doering…..I think misses a trip but Dreamer goes down anyway. Something misses again, as Dreamer just lays there on his side watching as Deaner gets up and is (very eventually) tripped by Rhino.

It earns the double ejection for Rhino/Doering but someone was REALLY off on the timing there as Dreamer was left sitting for about ten seconds waiting on something to happen. Anyway Deaner unloads in the corner and we hit the quickly broken neck crank. The Bionic Elbow is broken up and so is the Deaner DDT, but Dreamer gets knocked down anyway. Dreamer gets the boot up but Deaner slaps Jack, who jumps him for the DQ at 3:36.

Rating: D-. Between that awkward spot, the idea of putting Young and Dreamer not only in the same segment here but also in a pay per view match and the weird timing deal, this was one of the least interesting segments I’ve seen in a very long time. I know he works backstage, but if they have no one better than Dreamer for this much TV time, they’re in more trouble than I thought.

Video on the Knockouts Tag Team Title tournament.

Scott D’Amore officiates the contract signing between Havok/Neveah and Tasha Steelz/Kiera Hogan. Steelz and Hogan talk trash so Havok and Nevaeh grab them by their throats to shut them up. Well done.

Brian Myers asks Scott D’Amore about his next big match and lists off the people he has defeated. Josh Alexander comes up to say Myers won by DQ so D’Amore makes a No DQ match.

Tenille Dashwood vs. Rosemary

Kaleb With A K handles Dashwood’s entrance. Dashwood offers a handshake, which Josh transitions into a plug for Micro Brawlers. Rosemary doesn’t like the attempted cheap shot and knocks Dashwood down in a hurry. Kaleb offers a distraction and gets grabbed by the head, allowing him to use hairspray on Rosemary’s eyes. Tenille hammers away and hits the running crossbody in the corner for two.

Back up and they collide for the double knockdown, followed by Rosemary’s Sling Blade. The Upside Down has Dashwood in even more trouble but she’s right back with a butterfly suplex of all things for two. Rosemary gets in another shot so Kaleb offers a distraction. Cue Crazzy Steve to chase him off and take him down, leaving Rosemary to hit a spear for the pin at 8:12.

Rating: C-. Is anyone else just bored with Dashwood? She continues to have all of the tools in the world but for some reason nothing ever seems to click with her. This was no exception as she did all of her usual stuff but nothing ever actually came of it. Rosemary has a lot more going for her when it comes to character development, which might improve for Dashwood if she had more than being big on Instagram.

Rich Swann is ready for Karl Anderson because tonight it is one on one with everyone else banned from ringside. Then Karl can go back to the bus and say they’re going to get beaten up on Saturday.

Video on Ethan Page going a bit scooters and winding up setting up a match against Karate Man (himself) at Hard To Kill.

Moose vs. Matthew Palmer

Non-title and no time limit this time. Palmer hits four straight running dropkicks in the corner to start but Moose shrugs them off and drops him with a forearm. A big forearm to the back keeps Palmer down and Josh will not shut up about how Palmer has no chance, the Legend of Zelda, Sami Callihan, Hard To Kill and EVERYTHING else that comes to his mind. Palmer gets in a shot to the ribs and a middle rope knee to the face. A chokeslam plants Palmer and Moose elbows him out at 3:28.

Rating: D. Well that happened and makes last week’s match pretty much worthless. Moose doesn’t actually have a match at Hard To Kill but he did become #1 contender at Genesis, which was barely talked about here. I’m assuming this is it for the quick Palmer run, which was only going to be able to go on for so long.

Video on Kenny Omega being awesome. The other five people in the six man are ok too.

Karl Anderson vs. Rich Swann

Swann is defending and no one is at ringside. We’re joined in progress with Swann armdragging him into an armbar as the other four are seen watching from backstage. Anderson fights up and chokes in the corner, setting up his own armbar. The shoulder goes into the post and we take a break.

Back with Swann’s arm being draped over the top rope again, setting up another armbar. Swann fights up with a clothesline and some snap jabs, followed by a running kick to the back of the head. A missed charge lets Anderson hit a big boot for two but Swann rolls him up for the fast pin at 14:03.

Rating: C. That’s probably going to be Impact’s big win over AEW: the World Champion escaping with a rollup pin after getting beaten up for a good chunk of the match. I did like that the match ended so quickly as Swann steals the pin, though this feud does not exactly make you feel great about Impact’s history. Anderson isn’t going to lose anything by taking a fall though so this was fine enough.

We cut to the bus and see an empty sofa. That means Omega and Gallows can jump the Machine Guns in the back, with Swann and Anderson joining in. The big brawl is on to end the show.

Well almost as we get a quick preview for the pay per view to really end things.

Overall Rating: C+. You can look at this one from a few ways. The point of this show was to set up Hard To Kill and it did that rather well, meaning it did its main job. At the same time though, the wrestling wasn’t anything great for a good chunk of the show and some of the stories are just awful. Impact has a big gap between the top and bottom of the card and this showcased it even more than usual. That being said, the Hard To Kill preview worked well and that’s the point of the show.

Results

Kimber Lee b. Taya Valkyrie – Rollup

Chris Bey/Rohit Raju b. Manik/Suicide – Art of Finesse to Suicide

Cody Deaner b. Tommy Dreamer via DQ when Cousin Jake interfered

Rosemary b. Tenille Dashwood – Spear

Moose b. Matthew Palmer via referee stoppage

Rich Swann b. Karl Anderson – Rollup

 

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Impact Wrestling
Date: December 15, 2020
Location: Skyway Studios, Nashville, Tennessee
Commentators: Josh Matthews, Madison Rayne

It’s back to the Kenny Omega Is A Bigger Star Than Anyone Else Around Here Show and that proved to be a winning formula last week as the audience was quite up. Final Resolution has come and gone so now it’s off the Hard To Kill build. I’m not sure what that is going to mean with Omega being thrown into the mix but it’s interesting to think about. Let’s get to it.

Here are last week’s results if you need a recap.

The opening video looks at a mixture of Omega’s World Title win, promo from last week, and the main stories from last week’s show. It is implied that Omega is coming for the various Impact Titles.

Opening sequence.

Tenille Dashwood vs. Alisha

Kaleb With A K (in a pink suit) and Eddie Edwards are here too. Alisha shouts a lot and then gets knocked down in a hurry. The Thesz press with right hands have Dashwood in some trouble and a backsplash gives Alisha two. A headscissors puts Alisha into the corner but she misses a charge, allowing Dashwood to grab a neckbreaker for her own two. The stomping keeps Alisha down in the corner and we hit the chinlock.

Alisha gets up and is sent to the apron, where she manages a knee to Dashwood’s face. The comeback is on and a bulldog gives Alisha two with Kaleb With A K pulling Dashwood to the floor. Eddie goes after him but takes a camera to the face. Alisha dives onto Kaleb With A K but the distraction lets Dashwood hit the Spotlight Kick for the pin at 5:13.

Rating: C-. This is one of Dashwood’s better runs since she left WWE but it still isn’t exactly great stuff. I’m not sure what’s missing but there is a fire that isn’t there and it’s holding her back. Alisha has gotten a bit better in the last few months and she was perfectly acceptable here, even if this felt like it was designed to set up a mixed tag which already happened.

Post match here’s Sami Callihan on screen to tell Eddie and Alisha to spend time with their families, because it might be their last chance.

Here’s what’s coming tonight.

The Motor City Machine Guns talk about their three step process to getting the Tag Team Titles back. They have their rematch clause and since there is only space for two machine guns around here, Karl Anderson is going to have to step aside.

We go to Kenny Omega’s bus, where Omega and Callis mock the Guns and tell Karl Anderson, also there, to go get them. Various New Japan tournaments are referenced.

Post break Rich Swann cuts Anderson off before he can go beat up Chris Sabin. Swann: “Because Omega told you to?” Anderson: “I call him Kenny. He’s my friend. You call him champ.” The Guns come in and a match is set between Sabin and Anderson.

Here’s Moose in a suit for a chat. He gives us an injury update on Willie Mack, who will not be able to wrestle for a few weeks. That’s because Moose hurt him, even though no one believes what he is capable of doing. Moose doesn’t like everyone talking about Rich Swann, who may be a great competitor but the difference is Swann stays hurt while Moose hurts people. Swann needs to call Mack and ask what he is getting into.

Cue Mack, who says he isn’t here to wrestle. He isn’t mad at Moose, but rather because the referee said he couldn’t go anymore even though he had plenty left. No one is telling him he’s done, so they can have an I Quit match at Genesis. Moose doesn’t think that’s a good idea but Mack charges the ring. Security breaks it up for a bit so Moose breaks it up.

Moose goes to the back where he is asked what happened out there (Do the interviewers not even watch?). He is tired of indy wrestlers trying to make a name for themselves. One of those guards just ripped his shirt! He gets people trying to do something but don’t you EVER put your hands on him. They couldn’t last three minutes in the ring with him so if you do it again, you’ll get hurt like Mack. That could go a few places.

Chris Bey comes in to see Rohit Raju and congratulate him on losing the X-Division Title at Final Resolution. Raju already has his rematch set for Hard To Kill, which Bey doesn’t seem to like. Bey had an idea for him and goes to leave, but Raju pulls him back. Bey says that if Raju can prove that Manik is TJP, he can get the title back without having to beat him. Raju says he thought of that and great minds think alike. That’s what the two of them should do and as luck would have it, Bey is facing Manik next.

We get another Double Tony Paid Advertisement. Khan says that one of the nice things about Impact is you get to see Kenny Omega and he won’t even slap an injunction on it. Omega is one of the best wrestlers in the world along with Jon Moxley, even though Omega stole the title from him.

Schiavone says it’s hard to find AXS TV, to the point where your smart TV will just ask why if you try to find it. We run down the Dynamite card (Featuring SCU. Tony asked them if they remembered when TNA had fans and they said “no, we don’t”.) and Don Callis is invited to show up so Khan can start teaching him about wrestling. Still funny, with Schiavone being far funnier than he should be.

Eric Young talks about losing his mother to sickness and how sickness and disease can destroy anything. He’s sitting in front of a handcuffed Cody Deaner and promises to baptize him in the holy water of change. Can we go back to Khan talking about how horrible this show is?

Chris Bey vs. Manik

Non-title and Rohit Raju is here with Bey. Manik gets taken into the corner for some choking to start but he’s back with a slingshot headscissors. Something like a torture rack into a reverse Samoan drop plants Bey and Manik sends him outside. The dive connects and we take an early break.

Back with Bey hitting an elbow to the back and going after the mask. Manik fights out of a chinlock attempt and hits a kick to the chest. Bey takes him right back down into a seated abdominal stretch but this time Manik is right back with a belly to back. A quick dropkick puts Manik on the floor though but he’s right back in with a high crossbody. The Detonation Kick looks to set up the double underhook chickenwing, allowing Bey to hit a low blow. Raju tries to come in and go after the mask, so Bey has to stop and yell at him. That’s too far for Raju, who hits Bey in the back of the head to earn Bey a DQ win at 11:32.

Rating: C. Both guys are good in the ring and looked fine here though I’m curious to see where things go. If nothing else, TJP is awesome in whatever role they give him and it’s nice to see him getting a story with some prominent. Raju continues to rise through the ranks and Bey is rather good at anything he does so I approve of all of this.

Flashback Moment of the Week: Sting’s entrance at Final Resolution 2006, setting up his win with Christian over Jeff Jarrett and Monty Brown.

Than Page tells Josh Alexander that it’s all going to be ok, even though he lost at Final Resolution. Josh doesn’t want to hear it though because they can’t be a team right now. Page says we (yes we) will always have your back. Page leaves and here’s Brian Myers to say he’s a tag team specialist who won the Tag Team Titles in front of 82,000 people. A team is proposed but Alexander would rather beat him up. Good move man.

Back on the bus, Omega calls Rich a b**** and Callis tells Anderson to go get his name back from the Guns. Anderson goes off (again) but Omega is kind of ticked off about Swann. He is here to make this show about them instead of Swann and it’s been a long time coming.

Knockouts Tag Team Title Tournament Semifinals: Kiera Hogan/Tasha Steelz vs. Taya Valkyrie/Rosemary

Rosemary takes Steelz down without too much trouble and it’s Taya coming in to whip Steelz into a suplex from Rosemary for two. Some right hands to the head have Kiera in trouble but Steelz gets in a cheap shot from the apron. Kiera grabs a neckbreaker for two and brings Rosemary into the corner so Steelz can kick her in the ribs. Rosemary gets in a quick Upside Down for a breather but Kiera pulls Taya off the apron to break up a tag attempt.

That doesn’t last long as Rosemary gets over for the hot tag a few seconds later. Taya starts cleaning house, including a spinebuster to Kiera. Cue Deonna Purrazzo and Kimber Lee to beat up Rosemary and since the referee doesn’t see it (because he’s not that good), it’s Hogan hitting a superkick into a fisherman’s neckbreaker for the pin on Taya at 7:25.

Rating: C. The match was working well enough until the dumb referee not noticing anything happening, even when Taya was looking outside for a long stretch. Kiera and Tasha advancing isn’t a surprise as they are one of the only regular teams coming into the tournament, but at least they had a decent match on the way there.

Eric Young continues to indoctrinate Cody Deaner about how wrestling is a disease. A sickness cannot give back or provide because it can only take from you. Eric says a parasite latched onto him and Cody says he never saw it. Joe Doering opens a cell door and that’s that.

Kiera and Tasha dance about making it to the finals and promise to win the titles. Tasha says there is no money in the gold fanny pack but here’s Johnny Swinger to talk about when he and Buddy Rose cut off a guy’s finger in Portland. They storm off and Swinger steals the gold fanny pack, complete with the roll of money in a hidden compartment.

Josh Alexander vs. Brian Myers

Alexander goes after him to start but gets taken down with a quick legsweep. Cue Ethan Page to help but Myers posts him for his trouble. Back in and Myers takes Alexander down for some knees between the shoulders. The chinlock goes on but Alexander fights up, only to be sent into the corner. Myers loads up his clothesline…..and here’s the Karate Man (Page’s alter ego) to jump Myers for the DQ at 3:14.

Rating: D. This feels like a parody of a bad wrestling segment, which is probably what they are going for, but they did get Myers off television in a hurry. Nothing match of course, but Page as the Karate Guy does seem a little amusing. It seems like the end of the North though, which is kind of a shame but after that long title reign, they didn’t have much else to do.

Cody Deaner admits that he has the disease so Young pours water over him and declares him cured and free. The world belongs to us. Great. Young is getting a stable.

Acey Romero comes in to tell Tommy Dreamer that Larry D. was set up. Dreamer doesn’t buy it but here are Rhino and Cousin Jake to say Eric Young is poisoning Cody Deaner’s mind. Dreamer tells the two of them to do something about Young and Doering, unless they’re scared.

For the next two weeks: The Best Of 2020.

Chris Sabin vs. Karl Anderson

Alex Shelley is here with Sabin. Joined in progress with Anderson taking him over with a headlock but getting reversed into a headscissors for a standoff. Sabin picks up the pace and runs Anderson over but can’t get la majistral. We see omega and Callis not paying attention as commentary says the two of them are paying attention. Anderson gets in a boot rake to the face and Sabin gets sent hard into the corner.

A few kicks to the ribs don’t get Sabin very far as Anderson rakes the eyes to cut him off again. Anderson sends him hard out to the floor and we take a break. Back with Anderson taking him down in a rather aggressive chinlock before switching to an armbar. That doesn’t last long either as Sabin fights up and a collision gives us a double knockdown.

Sabin starts the comeback with a running elbow in the corner followed by a high crossbody for two. A running boot in the corner sets up a tornado DDT for two more and they’re both down. They slug it out until a double clothesline knocks them both down again. They pop back up and it’s another double clothesline for yet another double knockdown. It’s Anderson up first with the spinebuster for two but a rollup with trunks is enough to finish Sabin at 17:26.

Rating: B. This was a rather solid main event and that’s great to see on any given show. It’s a pretty simple formula: take two guys who can work rather well and put them in a match against each other for a long time. That’s the kind of thing that is going to work out for everyone and it worked well here. Solid main event and that’s never a bad thing.

Post match Rich Swann comes out to yell at Anderson but leaves with him at the same time. Omega gets up and says watch a master at work. Callis follows him as we see Anderson kicking Swann in the face. The Machine Guns come in for the save so here’s Luke Gallows to break it up. Swann superkicks Gallows but Omega blasts Swann with a wet floor sign. Omega thinks it sounds good to make the six man at Hard To Kill, so Callis makes the match official. Goodbye and good night.

Overall Rating: C+. Much, much better show than last week as they had a theme throughout and then paid it off in the end. Omega actually doing something other than sitting around talking helps a lot too and the six man should be awesome. This is the kind of show that they needed to have last week and even though I’m not a fan of Young, it makes sense to give one of their bigger stars (egads) a bigger story like what he was doing here. Pretty nice show here and the kind they needed to have.

Results

Tenille Dashwood b. Alisha – Spotlight Kick

Chris Bey b. Mania via DQ when Rohit Raju interfered

Kiera Hogan/Tasha Steelz b. Rosemary/Taya Valkyrie – Fisherman’s neckbreaker to Valkyrie

Brian Myers b. Josh Alexander via DQ when Ethan Page interfered

Karl Anderson b. Chris Sabin – Rollup with trunks

 

 

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the paperback edition of KB’s Complete 2004 Monday Night Raw Reviews (also available as an e-book) from Amazon. Check out the information here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2019/08/26/new-book-and-e-book-kbs-complete-2004-monday-night-raw-reviews/

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Impact Wrestling
Date: November 24, 2020
Location: Skyway Studios, Nashville, Tennessee
Commentators: Matt Striker, Josh Matthews

The show has taken a bit of a weird turn in recent weeks and that’s not exactly the best news. The big story this week seems to be Wrestler’s Court as Detective Dreamer continues to try and find who shot John E. Bravo. Other than that, we have the continuing issues of Eric Young and Joe Doering, because the world was waiting for more Doering. Let’s get to it.

Here are last week’s results if you need a recap.

Opening recap.

Opening sequence.

Scott D’Amore tries to get John E. Bravo’s doctor to pull the plug but is relieved (I think?) to hear that he’s in stable condition. The doctor says it might not be the same Bravo when he wakes up. D’Amore doesn’t seem crushed but promises justice.

Knockouts Tag Team Tournament First Round: Kiera Hogan/Tasha Steelz vs. Sea Stars

The Stars are sisters Delmi Exo and Ashley Vox. Exo and Hogan start things off with the much bigger Exo taking her to the mat for a Gator Roll. A sunset flip gets two on Hogan, which certainly does not seem to please her. Vox comes in for a running neckbreaker and it’s off to Steelz, who suckers Vox in without much trouble. Vox’s dropkick gets two but it’s a spinebuster to give Steelz two.

The running forearm in the corner allows the tag back to Hogan for a running kick to the face. Vox slugs away and hits a running headbutt, allowing the hot tag to Exo. House is cleaned, including a northern lights suplex and some running elbows in the corner. It’s back to Vox for an Air Raid Crash for two on Hogan but Steelz cuts Vox off. A fisherman’s neckbreaker finishes Exo at 7:11.

Rating: C-. The Stars were fine for a one off opponent and they seem to have teamed together somewhat extensively before. They weren’t about to win here over one of the tournament favorites though, making this more of a showcase than a competitive match. Not great, but the Stars sticking around wouldn’t be the worst idea.

Jordynne Grace is with her new mystery partner…..Jazz, who doesn’t think winning the tournament is going to be that hard. Jazz isn’t quite the major announcement but she does have a resume.

Here is what is coming tonight.

The North is rather pleased that Doc Gallows is going to be out of action for 4-6 weeks. Josh Alexander isn’t sure what this means for the Tag Team Titles but Ethan Page says he has this.

And now, Wrestler’s Court with Johnny Swinger being accused of shooting John E. Bravo. Madison Rayne is his attorney as this is being presented like People’s Court, complete with voice over. Swinger: “Best house I ever drew.” Madison tells him to be quiet as we meet the prosecutor: D’Lo Brown from the Nation Of Litigation. Tommy Dreamer is judge of course (the Innovator of Jurisprudence) and he does his old pose on the way to the bench, which is an anvil case.

Madison says this isn’t fair because Dreamer was the investigator so Dreamer and Brown switch places. That means Brown gets a powdered wig and Dreamer wants the chest protector. Brown suggests that Dreamer better recognize, so Dreamer thanks the honorable Uncle Phil and starts in on his opening statement. Dreamer says this is an easy case if you look at all of the facts. Madison’s opening statement: Swinger is too stupid to have pulled this off.

We go to the first witness with Fallah Bahh, who says Swinger did it out of jealousy for not being the best man. Then Cody Deaner talks about finding the gun in Swinger’s fanny pack. Acey Romero, in a Nasty Boys shirt, says he found Swinger’s fingerprints on the gun….along with the Deaners’, Dreamer’s, just about everyone else here, Greg Valentine’s and Ron Simmons’ (Brown: “D***! Always wanted to do that.”) Swinger tries to offer Brown beer and Rayne looks ready to jump out of a window. More on this later, as I want to jump out of a higher window.

Here’s Rohit Raju to complain about everyone who has been complaining about his title reign. They hide behind their keyboards like a bunch of losers, but for now it’s time for the Defeat Rohit Challenge.

X-Division Title: Rohit Raju vs. Suicide

Raju is defending. Hold on though as Raju doesn’t believe that it’s really Suicide because he’s smarter than that. Therefore, this one is non-title.

Rohit Raju vs. Suicide

Non-title. Suicide starts fast with the armdrag into a dropkick but gets knocked to the floor for his efforts. Back from a break with Raju working on the mask and then elbowing Suicide down for two. Some quick choking lets Raju go for the mask again, followed by some chops against the rope. Suicide can’t get the Black Widow as Raju belly to back suplexes his way to freedom. A neckbreaker puts Suicide down and Raju gets the mask off. For some reason we don’t look at his face but here’s TJP to make the idea clear for us. The guy, whose face we still don’t see, grabs a sunset flip for the pin at 8:07.

Rating: C-. It’s an angle that has been done time after time and that is the case because it has worked every time. You can see why Raju would go for the trap and then fall for it, possibly to the point where he is willing to give TJP another shot for the sake of some revenge. That makes sense and it worked fine here.

It’s Crazzy Steve.

Sami Callihan fires Ken Shamrock up but here’s Moose to say Shamrock is going after the secondary World Title. Moose respects Shamrock, but if he wins the title, Moose is coming to beat him again. Sami has to hold Shamrock back.

Kaleb With A K and Tenille Dashwood are seeing which glasses work best for her but here’s Alisha to come in and say they need to tag again. Dashwood doesn’t quite say no but she certainly doesn’t seem thrilled. I’d hope Alisha is smarter than this.

Kimber Lee vs. Killer Kelly

Deonna Purrazzo and Renee Michelle are the seconds here. Lee stomps away in the corner and throws Kelly down. A figure four with the legs has Kelly down again but she gets back up with a headbutt. Kelly hits a running basement dropkick in the corner but Lee is back with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. The Swanton finishes Kelly at 3:08.

Rating: D+. Kelly has never quite impressed me in the few times I’ve seen her but she did well enough here. You can only get so far with this kind of a match in the first place but it was more about getting her feet wet than anything else. Lee needed a win too as she has been little more than Purrazzo’s lackey for a long time.

Post match here’s Susie to say that Lee and Purrazzo hurt her friend and that’s bad. Now her friend is here to hurt them. Cue Su Yung to wreck the two of them (as Susie, albeit with her back to the ring, stands on the stage), with Purrazzo and Lee bailing.

Alex Shelley is back and the Motor City Machine Guns have a three step process: 1. XXXL, 2. The North, 3. The Good Brothers and the Tag Team Titles. Simple enough.

Rich Swann is sorry for what Willie Mack had to go through last week but Mack says he’s always been fighting. Chris Bey comes in to say he wants a title shot and calls Mack a loser. The threat of violence has Bey out the door.

Here’s Ethan Page to face an opponent of Karl Anderson’s choosing, but here’s Anderson for a chat first. Anderson says we’ve been having a Good Brothers Party as of late. Doc Gallows is hurt right now though because of Page so now if Page wins, the North gets a Tag Team Title shot. Anderson never rolls alone and has an opponent, who is Phenomenal. And this is what we get.

Ethan Page vs. AJ Swoggle

That would be the Wee-nomenal AJ Swoggle. He comes out to AJ’s old music (nice to hear that again) and does look a good bit like Styles. Page gets on his knees to start so Swoggle hits AJ’s Phenomenal Blitz for a nice touch. A Josh Alexander distraction lets Page kick him down though and Page gets in a running shoulder as well. Page seems to load up his own Styles Clash but Swoggle bites the leg to escape. Swoggle kicks him down and after Anderson gets rid of Alexander, a rollup finishes Page at 2:28. It was fine for a one off joke, but on the same show as Wrestlers’ Court, this might not have been the best place.

Post match Page looks ready to break down.

It’s back to Wrestlers’ Court where Rayne looks frustrated at having to question Swinger, so Dreamer gets his chance. Dreamer asks if Swinger thought he could get away with this, so Swinger brags about how awesome he is. Swinger: “I’m the OJ Simpson of professional wrestling daddy!” Dreamer asks when he last read a newspaper. Swinger: “1991 daddy. Something happen since then?” A dejected Madison says the defense rests and, after a break, Dreamer calls James Mitchell.

Dreamer asks about virgin blood, which is highly prized for its powers. That gets Dreamer’s attention, but we cut to Rosemary as the next witness (being sworn in on the Necronomicon). She won’t answer about when she was first attracted to Bravo because that’s a bit personal. Dreamer asks if she ever loved Bravo, which is a no. Of course she didn’t love him but she couldn’t resist the power of the virgin blood which would have made her the most powerful creature in the realm.

Cue Bravo, still in his hospital gown, to say Rosemary is the worst thing that ever happened to him. Bravo knows who shot him though because he could smell it. Post break, Larry D. is on the stand and Dreamer has him hooked up to a lie detector. Larry says he didn’t shoot Bravo, but Dreamer uses cologne to turn him into Lawrence D., who did in fact shoot him. Brown declares Johnny Swinger not guilty. Counting the break, this got over fifteen minutes. I think that speaks for itself.

Fallah Bahh vs. Daivari

Wait, so Bahh can be in Wrestlers’ Court and wrestle later but I have to listen to Matt Striker instead of Madison Rayne on commentary? Joe Doering and Eric Young come in to jump Bahh for the DQ at 32 seconds.

Post match Young says this world is sick and they are the cure. Cue Rhino to go after Doering but he gets beaten down as well.

TJP comes up to Crazzy Steve and Swoggle but Brian Myers comes in to mock all three of them. To recap: the last few segments have been an AJ Styles parody, Wrestlers’ Court, Eric Young and his monster that maybe .4% of the fans will know anything about and Curt Hawkins. This show has fallen WAY downhill and it’s just getting worse.

Kimber Lee and Deonna Purrazzo ask James Mitchell to turn their Su Yung problem into a Susie problem. He’ll do it, for a price.

Here’s what’s coming next week.

Impact Wrestling World Title: Ken Shamrock vs. Rich Swann

Shamrock is challenging and has Sami Callihan in his corner. Swann rolls away to start but Sami grabs his leg so Shamrock can get in a cheap shot. That’s good for an early ejection and Swann uses the distraction to hit a dropkick. Shamrock knocks him down with a hard shot though and it’s time to work on Swann’s leg. Back up and Shamrock hits Swann in the face, because Shamrock doesn’t make things more complicated than he needs to. Some stomps to the hand keep Swann in trouble and it’s a front facelock to make it worse.

We take a break and come back with Swann hitting some clotheslines. Shamrock kicks him down though and we hit the chinlock. Swann fights up and hits a few kicks to the head with a big one putting Shamrock down. Rolling Thunder gets two and a sunset flip is good for the same, only to have Shamrock reverse into a triangle. That’s switched into a cross armbreaker but Swann’s foot is under the rope. Swann kicks away some more, only to get pulled into the ankle lock. That’s reversed into a quick victory roll to retain the title at 13:41.

Rating: B-. Swann was doing what he could here and the strikes managed to slow Shamrock down just enough. Shamrock was still coming off like a monster though, which says a lot about someone at his age. He’s rather effective at this kind of thing and believe it or not I could go for more of him doing this kind of thing.

Post match Sami comes back out for a package piledriver on Swann. Callihan grabs the baseball bat but here’s Eddie Edwards for the failed save attempt. The beatdown is on with Sami hitting Eddie in the face with the bat to bust him open. D’Lo Brown comes out to yell at Sami and gets taken out with the bat as well. More officials come out to yell to end the show.

Overall Rating: D. Remember a few months ago when Impact was on a roll and putting on good shows? Well forget all of that because this was really bad stuff with the good main event not being able to come close to saving it. This show felt like it was two shows pasted together with WAY too much time being spent on Tommy Dreamer and the Wacky Shooting Mystery. Just like last time with Wrestlers’ Court, I’m sure they had a lot of fun shooting it but that thing got more time than the World Title match.

You can do comedy in spurts (like the Swoggle thing, which was in and out in about five minutes, including pre-match promo) but when it’s the biggest part of the show like this, it loses its, pardon the intentional pun, impact. A lot of this show felt like it was for the wrestlers instead of the audience and that isn’t how something like this is supposed to work.

Results

Kiera Hogan/Tasha Steelz b. Sea Stars – Fisherman’s neckbreaker to Exo

Suicide b. Rohit Raju – Sunset flip

Kimber Lee b. Killer Kelly – Swanton

AJ Swoggle b. Ethan Page – Rollup

Fallah Bahh b. Daivari via DQ when Joe Doering interfered

Rich Swann b. Ken Shamrock – Victory roll

 

 

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the paperback edition of KB’s Complete 2004 Monday Night Raw Reviews (also available as an e-book) from Amazon. Check out the information here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2019/08/26/new-book-and-e-book-kbs-complete-2004-monday-night-raw-reviews/

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Talk N Shop A-Mania
Date: August 1, 2020
Location: Doc Gallows’ Backyard
Commentators: Karl Anderson, Doc Gallows, Rocky Romero

I really don’t know what to say about this as it is not going to be a normal wrestling show. The whole thing was filmed in Gallows’ backyard and the main event is a Boneryard (not a typo) match between the Good Brothers’ alter egos of Sex Ferguson and Chad 2 Badd, who you might remember from Southpaw Regional Wrestling. These guys can be hilarious and I’m morbidly curious about what is going on here. Let’s get to it.

Also note that I don’t listen to the podcast that helped set this up so if there are any jokes or references I don’t get, I apologize in advance.

The Good Brothers and Romero welcome us from their podcast and explain the idea of the show. They have flown people around the country to do this show with Coronavirus prevention and have some advice for us: get rather drunk and have a good time. There is no disrespect meant for anyone and it is all meant in fun with a big wink. Gallows does a Bruce Buffer style intro and recommends we take off our pants. Anderson: “And Gallows, a big f*** you for making us do this.”

What have I gotten myself into?

Anderson is filming to start and finds his “Hot Asian Wife” (he has a shirt that says “Property Of My Hot Asian Wife”) hula hooping in rather limited clothing. She finds out he’s there and offers to flash the camera, sending Anderson running off.

We cut to Anderson arriving at the house (in a HAW, for Hot Asian Wife, shirt) and helps Rocky Romero out of the back of his truck. They walk into Gallows’ backyard and find Teddy Long, who is here “To get f****** paid. Now step back six feet.” They keep going and Dave Penzer handles their intro as they go through an entrance and, after another quick walk, they find the ring. The trio welcomes us to the show, with a wide shot showing that they are all alone with Penzer and the cameraman. Oh and one more camerawoman on a wide shot.

Chad 2 Badd (Anderson) doesn’t like the idea of Sex Ferguson (Gallows) thinking he was the leader of the team.

Ferguson rants about Badd messing everything up and being influenced by Paul Layman. The Boneryard match is on and Gallows does an Undertaker eye roll while promising to make Chad “rest in feces.”

Commentary welcomes us to the show and give us a quick explanation of how this whole thing came together. The Good Brothers aren’t sure who wins the main event, but Romero likes ham.

Battle Royal

That’s a social distancing battle royal of course and Chavo Guerrero jumps in on commentary. We’re on a wide shot so I’m not even sure who all is involved and most of them don’t get an entrance (I’ll leave the name off because there are a bunch of surprise entrants). Beach (I think that’s his name at least) has a bunch of pool noodles under his arms. Manning, the Manscout, walks out through the entrance with his scout guide (it’s his thing) after the bell rings and everyone else is in the ring. He’s joined by a rather large man named Freight Train and the two join everyone else. Train dumps Rozelli, plus three more guys (only one is named as Little Knobbs) and then Manning. Gallows: “I kind of wish we were back in New York!”

Lazer, who looks like Hurricane (or “who looks like that guy we can’t name” according to Anderson) dives onto the pile at ringside but here’s Stang (appears to be Anderson in a Sting costume, complete with face paint, but might be Heath Slater) to point the bat at him. That goes nowhere but Mike Bennett runs in, looks around, and eliminates himself. Everyone left in the ring beats Beach with the pool noodles and toss him out. Gallows begs the wrestlers not to sue him because he doesn’t have a job anymore but stops because he realizes Pillman is in this thing.

The guy in the blue jacket is eliminated and it’s Pillman into a wrestling sequence with Sgt. Hammerlock. Train very slowly (on purpose) clotheslines them down and throws Hammerlock out. We’re down to Train and Pillman but here’s Alex Kozlov (the podcast editor) to join things. Kozlov lights up a cigarette and kicks Train in the corner before taking Pillman down.

Cue Kozlov’s bearded mother (that’s what she’s called) to beat on him with a purse. She does the same to Train and Pillman helps her get rid of him before Mother clears the ring. Hold on though as here’s Chico El Luchador (Rocky Romero in a mask, complete with surgical mask as a bonus, and Chavo HATES him) to Stun Mother and throw her out for the win at 6:50 (in theory, as there are no bells on this show).

Rating: D+. As you might have guessed, the match quality has absolutely nothing to do with the value of the show here as they are riffing on every single thing taking place. This was almost a parody of a battle royal and I had a good time with it, which is all you can say about something like this one. The run ins were fun and knowing the wrestlers wasn’t the point.

Post match Chico makes the belt motion to Chavo, who really isn’t happy. Chico gets a belt as Chavo accuses him of being from Bolivia. Oh and he’ll shoot Chico.

Gallows talks to Kozlov, who doesn’t speak much English. He blames his mother, who runs up and beats him with the purse. Anderson: “HIS MOTHER IS REAL!”

Ferguson arrives and asks Mike Bennett for pills. Bennett hands them over and speeds off before his wife finds out.

Penzer: “And I thought Sturgis sucked.” Teddy Long comes up to laugh at him.

Frankie Coverdale vs. Paul Lee

This is a Contract On A Tree match and Lee is doing a pretty awesomely bad Ric Flair impression, including driving onto Gallows’ lawn in a Corvette. As he walks to the ring, he passes a dancing Maria Kanellis in a swimsuit but in the next shot she is replaced by a rather heavy woman in the same kind of outfit. Commentary cracks up over the ridiculously long entrance, including ranting about how Lee wipes his feet before getting in the ring but no one wiped their feet before coming into the house.

Lee’s trunks say “Ric WHO” and they touch elbows to start. Coverdale, who I believe was in the battle royal, grabs a waistlock to start but Lee gyrates his way out. Lee throws him outside….and Coverdale just runs off towards a pond, which Gallows says isn’t even on his property, for the countout at about 1:40. Well that was quick. No tree was ever shown, but then again what would the contract be for?

Chico brags about winning the title and talks about the heat his family has with the Guerreros. He wants Chavo in a title match, if the Good Brothers have the money.

We cut back to Lee headlocking Coverdale in the middle of a field and shouting WOO a lot. Gallows tries to conduct an interview but gives up.

George North vs. Stump Kowalski

This is a hardcore match and Stump looks like a Hornswoggle sized Big Papa Pump. Kowalski 2x4s him down and we cut to another shot to North’s back, with commentary bragging about their crazy editing skills. They head outside with Stump swinging a kendo stick in slow motion but only hitting post. North grabs a headlock and drags him off as he rains in right hands. Commentary says this is officially terrible….and the match just ends at about 1:05.

Time to thank sponsors.

Back with the fight up by the pool, with the Rock N Roll Express watching, along with some other unidentified wrestlers. They run into Lee still headlocking Coverdale and head into the house, where we’re fast forwarded to a bedroom, where Brian Myers and some kids are playing with the old WWF ring (I have that) and the awesome Hasbro line of figures. One of the kids elbows North down and the referee smiles a lot.

Ferguson asks Scott D’Amore for double pay and is told to be professional. And no pay in gas station d*** (at least that’s what I think he said).

Here’s Teddy Long to complain about his lack of pay. And to make some tag matches, because that’s what he does.

80s Russians vs. Jungle Kittens

No word on if those are the Minnesota variety Russians. Either way they jump the Kittens (in fur pelts) and go into the 80s power offense as Gallows talks about a cameraman asking if he can take a break and go hunting in the woods. That’s a big no, so one of the Russians hits a Sickle for the pin on a Kitten at 1:05.

Post match Long yells about this not being the 80s. No, this is the 90s, so here are Lodi and Sick Boy of Raven’s Flock fame. Lodi’s sign: “YES! WE ARE STILL ALIVE!” The Yeti, better known as Ron Reis (or Reese in the Flock) is here, but this time around he’s in his Reese gear with toilet paper wrapped around him. They don’t like it though so he goes into the woods and rips most of it off. The Flock comes in and beats up the Kittens with kendo sticks. Cue D’Lo Brown (Anderson: “All I care about is the head shake.”) in an Aces and 8’s shirt for a Low Down on a Russian.

Now it’s Rhino to Gore both Russians as Anderson tries to figure out Rhino’s political career. Brian Pillman Jr. comes out as well and hits Air Pillman on a Kitten. The other three are dropkicked down but Rim Job (In the old Kim Chee gear. Yes I think people watching this show will know who Kim Chee is) comes in. There’s no one to beat up though so here is Chavo Guerrero to hit Job with Pepe.

The frog splash and Eddie Guerrero dance ensue, which draw out Willie Mack to Stun some Russians. One of the Kittens gets in a cheap shot but Chavo makes the save and hits Three Amigos. Anderson gets up and hands them beers, with Mack Stunning Chavo. This was more insanity and it was fun watching to see who was coming out next.

Chad talks to D’Amore and reveals himself as Anderson. He’s the bump and feed guy so he should get more money.

Gallows: “We grew up in the Attitude Era. That was one of the worst things in the history of professional wrestling.”

Rory Fox vs. Matt Cardona

This is a grudge match sponsored by Pro Wrestling Tees and a reference to an infamous match on ECW on SyFy where Cardona ripped off Fox’s gear, revealing nothing underneath. You can imagine the editing that had to be done and yes, the fans in the arena saw everything. But since Cardona is AEW, here’s Brian Myers instead. Myers: “Rory Fox, you stupid f****** never was jabroni f****** idiot.” Myers has a replacement to face Fox.

Rory Fox vs. Swoggle Ryder

Yes Myers sings Oh Radio on the way to the ring. The graphic says Swoggledona and I don’t think it makes the slightest difference. Swoggle: “WHOA WHOA WHOA!” He bites Rory’s trunks and gets stomped down in the corner as we hear about Fox sleeping on Gallows’ treadmill last night. Myers comes in and we’re edited to him tossing Swoggle at Fox for the pin at 1:30. Anderson: “We need a new producer. Holy s*** that was terrible.”

Post match they rip Fox’s trunks off and he runs away.

We go back to the pool where North is shoved down the water slide (How much do they pay in Japan???), which is enough to win the match. Penzer: “Ladies and gentlemen, the loser of the hardcore match, Doc Gallows, because he booked this s***!”. Elsewhere in the pool Lee is STILL working that headlock on Coverdale, even in the shallow end.

Chico goes to do some bench presses, even with no weight on the bar. He has a spotter but Chavo comes in to take his place, because Chico is apparently blind. They fight in the gym, with Chavo asking if he is on the gas and throwing him into the sauna. Chavo: “It’s not as hot as your mom!” Chico breaks out and they brawl with the workout equipment, stop to offer respect to their respective grandfathers, and then back to the action. Chavo: “Back to the action!” Chavo knocks him down and wins the title, which he promises to have sex on before he kills Chico. Chavo leaves and gets jumped by Chad 2 Badd, who wins the title.

Here’s NZO for a chat. NZO: “I forgot what I was going to f****** show.” He knows Gallows is losing money on this show, even though he put himself over in the main event they put on last night. NZO knows he is losing money too and hopes everyone enjoys it, even if he just spoiled the main event.

We go back to the large woman from earlier (with Elvis behind her) and Coverdale REVERSES THE HEADLOCK ON LEE! Elvis jumps him and dances with the woman but Brian Myers, also in an Elvis suit, jumps him as well. Now it’s another Elvis (Slater again I believe) jumping Myers to dance with the woman but the original Elvis low blows the third Elvis (this is confusing) and Myers. Penzer: “And the winner of the Contract In A Tree match….who really gives a f***?”

A hearse arrives and it seems to be time for the main event.

Talk N Shop A-Mania Title: Chad 2 Badd vs. Sex Ferguson

This is the Boneryard match and I think you win by burying your opponent (I’ll be disappointed if we don’t get a dozen jokes based on the meaning of the word “burying”). It’s now night and we have druids pulling a casket out of the hearse. It starts shaking and they drop it face down though, meaning Chad has to get out and yell at all of them. Ferguson is played to the…well there is no ring, but it’s by a guy with a guitar. He drives up in a tricked out golf cart and the fight is on, including ear pulling.

Air Paris (AJ Styles’ old tag partner from about 20 years ago) shows up with a rubber chicken and gets elbowed in the face by Ferguson. Chad gets knocked down as Ferguson is all fired up. A low blow takes him down (Ferguson: “OW! MY F****** C***!”) and Paris is annoyed at getting beaten up when he was just trying to sell a shirt. Ferguson is thrown through a wall but here’s Bennett to give him pills to fire him up.

Chad is knocked onto a pile of dirt with a gloved hand sticking out. Chad: “Uncle Alan? Why didn’t you save us in New York? I know you tried and that’s why you switched shows.” Fox runs back in to complain about losing his gear again and then runs off for a second time. Ferguson does an Undertaker impression but gets knocked down. Cue Maria (Ferguson: “Not this s*** again! A reference to Maria distracting Gallows in a match in Japan.) to distract Chad (who starts speaking Spanish) until Ferguson hits him in the back with the arm from the dirt pile.

Maria yells about being a mother and storms off, ranting about how she doesn’t need to be with these two idiots. Chad grabs the ear again and Slater and Myers watch from lawn chairs. That turns into an argument over the two of them being booked, with Chad saying Gallows did it and that’s why he sucks. Ferguson gets in a low blow and loads up the hand again (Ferguson: “Ready for your hand job?”) but the Rock N Roll Express interrupt. They decide to just head to the merch table so here are the druids, causing Chad and Tex to team up one last time.

After the druids are dispatched and we get the 8 bit celebration music, Chad grabs the ear again and carries Ferguson over to….the Express’ gimmick table. Chad: “I THOUGHT YOU WERE KIDDING!” NZO comes in and asks for an autograph but he has zero dimes. That earns him a superkick from Ferguson to put him through the table, which is enough to make the Express leave. Hold on though because here’s Johnny Swinger to interrupt. Chad accuses him of stealing his gimmick and the fight is on, with Ferguson getting in a cheap shot so Johnny can do his squats.

Ferguson is knocked face first into Slater’s crotch and Chad kicks him down. Swinger gets kicked as well but Ferguson is back up to throw Chad into Myers. Chad kicks Ferguson down for two (like the rules matter) but here is Chico to run away from Chavo, who is holding a huge knife. Chad headbutts Ferguson (Chad: “Yeah I got a headbutt fetish too!”) and they climb onto the hearse, which Ferguson bought for $2500 on eBay. A Tombstone plants Chad on the roof….and we hit the dream sequence.

We flash back to September 2019 where the Brothers were ready to sign with AEW and meet with the Young Bucks. They’re ready to sign but they also have a great offer from the Pauls in New York. Max asks if New York will have their back if there is some kind of a global pandemic or something. They all too sweet and chant AEW but the Pauls send in another offer, which is too good to pass up. The Bucks superkick them down and call them marks for going to TNA anyway.

Back to reality and Chad sits up to hit Ferguson in the face and takes him to the grave. Ferguson begs forgiveness because he wants to be a babyface with a singles run but Chad breaks a board over his head to knock him into the grave. We cut to a man looking stunned (….that might have been the Undertaker guy from Wrestlemania XXX) and come back to Chad burying Ferguson to his theme music. This takes extra time as Chad has to yell at Slater and Myers but apparently it’s enough for the win at about 19:30.

Rating: B. As usual, I have no idea how to rate this but it was hilarious with the guys basically doing their own commentary throughout the match. The cameos were great with things like the Express’ gimmick table and the ear thing over and over again. It’s not to be taken seriously (of course) and that’s how this should have gone. Throw in the fact that it’s a complete parody of a genre that is being driven into the ground these days but is still ripe for jokes and it’s a good time.

Chad drives off in the golf cart and Ferguson gets out of the grave, now in a hockey mask and with a large sex toy next to him. To be continued. Maybe.

Overall Rating: A-. My stance on comedy wrestling is pretty well known and I had a great time with this. It’s in and out in less than an hour and a half and they don’t stop with the jokes. They were smart to keep it that way too, as anything serious on here would have been a big miss. Gallows and Anderson are freaking hilarious and put together a hilarious bunch of stuff here where, aside from the main event, it felt like they threw a bunch of stuff together and then decided to make up the jokes off the loosest of concepts. Find a way to watch this with some wrestling friends and have a good time, because it’s worth your time/money.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the paperback edition of KB’s Complete 2004 Monday Night Raw Reviews (also available as an e-book) from Amazon. Check out the information here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2019/08/26/new-book-and-e-book-kbs-complete-2004-monday-night-raw-reviews/

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Monday Night Raw
Date: February 17, 2020
Location: Angel of the Winds Arena, Everett, Washington
Commentators: Jerry Lawler, Byron Saxton, Tom Phillips

We’re almost to Super ShowDown and that way we can get ready for the real Road To Wrestlemania. There are a lot of things left to cover before we get there though and that means we have to do some stuff tonight. I’m not sure what that is going to entail other than Matt Hardy vs. Randy Orton in a street fight so we’re going in somewhat blind. Let’s get to it.

Here are last week’s results if you need a recap.

Opening sequence.

Here’s Randy Orton to get things going with a clip of his attack on Matt Hardy last week. He knows the Hardys like to go up and crash but here’s Matt, in street clothes and a neck brace, to ask what is wrong with Orton. Matt knows Orton didn’t like being asked about the Edge attack last week but he isn’t cleared to wrestle tonight. He and Edge have grit and Orton can’t hold them down. Matt isn’t sure what his future holds but Orton isn’t getting to determine the terms of his future.

Hardy gets in the ring as Orton says he could drop Matt with an RKO right now. Orton says he respects Edge and he’s truly sorry before leaving. He pauses and turns around though, sending Hardy outside to grab a chair. That just earns Matt a neck snap across the top rope and an RKO (with the fans wanting another), followed by a bunch of chair shots to the ribs and back.

Orton takes the brace off and loads up another Conchairto but pauses. Instead he takes Matt outside and does the Conchairto on the steps instead of in the ring to make it even worse. Orton goes to leave but then goes back and hits another Conchairto on the steps. Orton: “I’M SORRY!”

This was really good as Orton looks like the biggest villain ever, which is exactly the point. That’s where someone like Matt, who is beloved as a veteran, is most valuable and something like this was way more effective than a street fight where we were just waiting around for the RKO to finish Matt off.

Aleister Black vs. Erick Rowan

Black walks over Rowan case and Rowan isn’t happy as the fight starts in a hurry. They fight to the floor with Rowan hitting a running crossbody as we take a break. Back with Rowan beating Black up even more, including taking him outside to send Black legs first into the barricade for a different kind of crash.

A powerbomb into the post is countered with a hurricanrana into said post and Black knees him in the head back inside. Black Mass is blocked and Rowan kicks him in the head. A Jackknife gets two on Black but Black Mass connects to put Rowan against the ropes. He’s still awake though so Black hits another Black Mass for the pin at 7:47.

Rating: D+. Build a monster up, have someone slay him. The cage thing is still likely going to be a lame payoff (if we ever get one) but Black winning a match like this is a good sign for him. Rowan had been turned into someone with a little momentum and now Black has beaten him clean. That’s how you make Black a bigger deal, but don’t bog him down with a bunch of Rowan rematches. We’ve seen that he can beat Rowan and we don’t need to see it again.

Here’s Charlotte, in black and yellow, to address showing up at Takeover last night. After a clip of her accepting Rhea Ripley’s challenge, Charlotte talks about how she was impressed by what she saw last night in NXT. It made her think about training in a warehouse and how her NXT class formed the foundation of a third brand called NXT.

Now she’s bothered by the entitlement of people like Ripley, who didn’t scratch and claw to earn the respect that NXT has gained. Now Ripley has the audacity to hold up the title that Charlotte put on the map? Pride comes before the fall and Ripley is being humbled at Wrestlemania, because everyone is the next big thing….until they’re not. Charlotte is at her best when she’s talking down to people and that’s what she did here.

24/7 Title: R-Truth vs. Mojo Rawley vs. Riddick Moss

Moss is defending and the usual rules are suspended during the match. Rawley is sent outside early on and Moss screams a lot while covering Truth for two. That’s broken up by Rawley, who sends Moss into the barricade. Back in and Truth hits the ProtoBomb into the Shuffle but Rawley slips out of the AA. The fireman’s carry faceplant connects but Moss is back in with a cradle to retain the title at 1:49.

Post match Moss bails and Truth lays out Rawley.

Here’s Drew McIntyre for a chat.  He isn’t sure what to do tonight because Charlotte already pointed at the sign. Instead, we can have the fans point with him so he counts down ala the Claymore. At Wrestlemania, Suplex City is in Claymore Country and it’s going to get its head kicked off in a hurry. Cue Paul Heyman to cut McIntyre off and introduce Brock Lesnar….who isn’t here (though McIntyre does make sure to look over his shoulder). Heyman just wanted McIntyre to be awake to hear what it’s going to sound like after the ring announcer says “AND STILL” at Wrestlemania (Heyman: “I can point too!”).

McIntyre says Heyman can say Lesnar’s name over and over, from when they’re having lunch to when they’re having manicures to when Lesnar is crying because McIntyre took his WWE Championship. Heyman respects McIntyre’s talents but he knows someone who doesn’t, which is this man right here. Cue MVP to say he has an issue with Drew, who was invited to the VIP Lounge and then kicked MVP in the face. MVP isn’t getting cheapshotted this week so he hits Drew with the mic and kicks him in the face before the bell.

MVP vs. Drew McIntyre

Drew kicks him in the face and hammers away in the corner. The Futureshock and Claymore (with the camera showing the Wrestlemania sign) finish MVP at 1:12.

We look at Shayna Baszler attacking Becky Lynch last week.

Here’s Becky, carrying a paper bag, for a chat. She came to this country to seek her fame and fortune but she has no need for fame. However, she has a use for the fortune and pulls a bunch of money from the bag (including a bunch of $100 bills). Consider this a down payment for what she is going to do to Baszler because only animals go for the neck and they do it before going for the kill.

Becky is the longest reigning Raw Women’s Champion in history and that doesn’t make her prey. We hear about some former champions she’s defeated but here’s Baszler on screen to say Becky isn’t going to get to do that. She’s in the Elimination Chamber, which is in a cage for a cage fighter. Becky promises to be watching at the Elimination Chamber because she’ll be rooting for Shayna.

Lana, Bobby Lashley, Angel Garza and Zelina Vega are ready for a tag match (not against each other) but don’t seem happy about anything. It was Lana’s idea and it’s like a double date, but Vega makes it clear that she and Garza aren’t a couple. They’re all about money, but Garza is ready to show that no one can measure up to him.

Rusev/Humberto Carrillo vs. Angel Garza/Bobby Lashley

Lashley starts against Carrillo as Garza isn’t all that interested. Neither can get very far against the other so it’s off to Garza for the high angle spinning crossbody. A wristdrag sends Garza down and Rusev jumps Lashley (as the feud is apparently still going). Garza uses the distraction to hit a dropkick and GARZA TAKES OFF HIS PANTS. That lets him give a fan a quick kiss but Carrillo dropkicks him into the barricade as we take a break.

Back with Carrillo flipping out of Lashley’s spinning Big Ending and bringing in Rusev to unload on Lashley. The distraction lets Garza grab a rollup for two, followed by a superkick for the same. Lashley spears Carrillo on the floor but Rusev runs him over and hits a middle rope headbutt for two on Garza. That brings Lashley back up for a distraction though and Garza grabs a rollup, with trunks, for the pin at 9:54.

Rating: D+. This is one of those matches that just happened and neither feud is particularly interesting. Lashley vs. Rusev has been boring for a long time now and there is a real chance that we could be going into a seventh month of the feud should it make it to March. Garza’s future isn’t really clear at the moment either as Andrade’s suspension is up next week. That could be interesting, but just keep Carrillo a little more out of it.

Natalya vs. Kairi Sane

Fallout from Asuka kicking Natalya in the face two weeks back. The Warriors ask if Natalya is ok and then dance around singing that they don’t care. Sane forearms her into the corner to start but misses a dive, setting up something like the Thriller Dance. Natalya misses the discus lariat but slaps Sane in the face. The threat of a Sharpshooter sends Sane to the ropes and she comes back with a spinning backfist.

The chinlock into a sleeper doesn’t do much for Sane so she sends Natalya into the corner. Walking The Plank is countered with a discus forearm (though the camera cuts as they might have missed badly) but Asuka’s distraction breaks up the Sharpshooter attempt. Sane knocks Natalya to the floor and Asuka kicks her in the head for the countout at 4:47.

Rating: C-. I can give them points for trying to build up some side stories in the Elimination Chamber because there’s no hiding that it’s Shayna going on to Wrestlemania. This is better than nothing and while they would probably be better off doing Asuka vs. Natalya on Raw, I’ll take what I can get in the Chamber, even if it would be more interesting to run Asuka vs. Shayna in a singles match for the #1 contendership than having the two of them and four others in the Chamber. Anyway, nothing to this one but I’m sure we’ll be seeing more of it next week.

Here are Murphy and the AOP to introduce Seth Rollins for a sermon. He even has a pulpit to make it look a little more official. Rollins didn’t come up with the name sermon because that was bestowed on them by the powers that be, but it seems appropriate as what he has to say is divine. We are here to celebrate progress and movement into the future in Rollins’ vision. Last week was the end of phase one because the four of them showed that through the power of faith you can believe whatever you set your mind to.

Now the real work begins though because Rollins takes being the Monday Night Messiah very seriously. Now it is time to find the flaws in the system and rehabilitate them the best they can, or eradicate them if they must. This is the gospel and if you stand in their way….and here are the Viking Raiders. Rollins bails as they beat up Murphy and the AOP but here’s Kevin Owens to Stun Rollins on the stage.

Post break Rollins says that tonight it’s a six man tag.

Here’s the OC for a chat. AJ Styles is glad to be back because Wrestlemania season would be nothing without him. Karl Anderson declares AJ to be the new Mr. Wrestlemania and AJ accepts that honor. He’s the greatest superstar on any roster and of any era but believe it or not, he’s got critics. When he wins his gauntlet match at Super ShowDown, the only one who can say anything is him. Then he’ll say Who’s Next and maybe he’ll go win the WWE Championship again.

It could be anyone from Ricochet to Brock Lesnar to Undertaker to Shawn Michaels to Razor Ramon to Hulk Hogan to the whole NWO. Cue Ricochet, with AJ saying hold on Ricky. That’s fine with Ricochet, who understands AJ doesn’t think he’s earned a title shot. Ricochet has earned it though and he’ll do the impossible at Super ShowDown. The OC cracks up at the idea of Ricochet being WWE Champion so he challenges AJ to a match right now. Karl Anderson says not so fast because he isn’t letting AJ face this non Good Brother.

Ricochet vs. Karl Anderson

Ricochet starts fast and sends him outside for the big running flip dive. Back from the early break with AJ and Gallows having been ejected and Anderson grabbing a chinlock. That doesn’t last long as Ricochet fights up and hits a rolling dropkick. The springboard high crossbody into a running shooting star press gives Ricochet two but Ricochet has to roll through the 630. Anderson gets two off a spinebuster but walks into the Benadryller for the pin at 7:02.

Rating: C. Not a bad little match here as Ricochet continues his roll towards Super ShowDown and Brock Lesnar. I’m not sure if there is any reason to believe Ricochet has a prayer at winning the title, but it’s nice to see him get built up a little bit. Maybe something could come of it, like a big Wrestlemania match. Either way, more Ricochet is a good thing and WWE seems to know that.

We recap the Orton/Hardy situation.

Liv Morgan doesn’t understand why Ruby Riott is trying to break her but that isn’t going to work anymore. She isn’t the puppy that Riott remembers, because she’s going to the Elimination Chamber to eliminate Riott and go on to Wrestlemania. No, you’re not.

Viking Raiders/Kevin Owens vs. Murphy/AOP

Owens dropkicks Murphy at the bell and hands it off to Ivar for a knee to the face. Owens keeps Murphy in the corner and the Vikings take turns beating Murphy up. Ivar slams Erik onto Murphy for two but allows the tag to Akam so we can have a fight. That means Erik can slug away but Akam grabs a powerslam to take over.

A toss into the knee from Rezar gets two and it’s Erik getting choked in the corner. Murphy grabs the chinlock but Erik fights up and knees Rezar in the face. The hot tag brings in Owens to clean house as we take a break. Back with Owens fighting up and scoring with a superkick to Murphy, only to get driven back into the corner.

Owens wins a slugout with Murphy and makes the tag to Ivar to fight the AOP at the same time. The low crossbody crushes Akam and there’s the spinning kick to Murphy’s face. Everything breaks down and Erik knees Rezar into the corner. Ivar drives Erik into Rezar for a bonus and Owen’s Swanton gets two. The Vikings and AOP fight to the floor, leaving Murphy to get Stunned. Cue Rollins for the DQ at 15:24.

Rating: C+. It’s an interesting change here as Rollins’ team loses, which hasn’t been the case so far. The resistance against Rollins and company is interesting as we might be getting closer to one of the big showdown matches. I do like the idea of bringing in new people to fight on one side or another and that’s what we’ve been getting here. Also: where was Samoa Joe?

Post match Rollins says Owens has crucified him since day one so now it is time to crucify him. Cue the Street Profits for the save but Rollins gets away. The Profits and the Vikings wreck Murphy and the AOP, with Ivar and Ford hitting top rope splashes (Ford’s is so impressive) to end the show. Rollins and company are going to need some new people to at least even the sides so that could go somewhere.

Overall Rating: C. I know the wrestling wasn’t great here but what mattered here was how it felt like they were doing a bunch of things. The big story here was how it offered a lot of variety and covered all kinds of stories and angles. You can tell that things are picking up for Wrestlemania season and in a few weeks we can get rid of Super ShowDown and the Elimination Chamber to get to the final push. It’s not a good show, but it’s a well put together show and that’s important as well.

Results

Aleister Black b. Erick Rowan – Black Mass

Riddick Moss b. Mojo Rawley and R-Truth – Cradle to Rawley

Drew McIntyre b. MVP – Claymore

Angel Garza/Bobby Lashley b. Rusev/Humberto Carrillo – Rollup with trunks to Rusev

Kairi Sane b. Natalya via countout

Ricochet b. Karl Anderson – Benadryller

Kevin Owens/Viking Raiders b. Murphy/AOP via DQ when Seth Rollins interfered

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the paperback edition of KB’s Complete 2004 Monday Night Raw Reviews (also available as an e-book) from Amazon. Check out the information here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2019/08/26/new-book-and-e-book-kbs-complete-2004-monday-night-raw-reviews/

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Main Event
Date: October 26, 2017
Location: Resch Center, Green Bay, Wisconsin
Commentators: Vic Joseph, Nigel McGuinness

It’s not a good sign when I can barely remember this week’s Monday Night Raw on Friday night. The big stories were the Smackdown invasion and Brock Lesnar returning to answer Jinder Mahal’s challenge. It’s hard to guess what we might get for original content though as there could be almost any combination of the undercard. Let’s get to it.

We actually change things up a bit by looking at a recap of Sunday’s main event. That’s certainly a new one.

Opening sequence.

Matt Hardy vs. Curt Hawkins

Hawkins takes him into the corner to start but is quickly armdragged down into a headscissors. That’s reversed into a chinlock though as they’re certainly moving here. Curt’s Russian legsweep gets two but Matt comes right back and sends him into the buckle over and over. The middle rope elbow to the back looks to set up the Side Effect but Curt grabs a Michinoku Driver for two. Not that it matters as Matt grabs the Twist of Fate for the pin at 5:09.

Rating: D+. Nothing to see here but above all else it’s nice to have ANYTHING other than Dash Wilder losing over and over. Hopefully that means the return of the Revival in the near future. Anyway, there’s not much else you can say about Matt Hardy beating Curt Hawkins to give Curt his 120th loss in a row. Pretty much what you would expect.

From Raw for the first time.

Here are Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar to respond to Jinder Mahal. Paul finds it interesting that someone has an issue finding Lesnar as the undisputed champion of WWE. There is someone who thinks that they can match up to Brock and that makes little sense to Heyman. We live in an age of trash talk but Heyman didn’t talk trash about Goldberg, Samoa Joe or Braun Strowman. Instead he praised all of them because they deserved it. Then there’s the joke of a champion like Jinder Mahal.

When we think of a champion, we think of Bruno Sammartino, Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, Bret Hart, Shawn Michaels, John Cena and BROCK LESNAR. This isn’t about Lesnar wanting to wave the Raw flag. This is about Smackdown thinking that it wasn’t treated fairly in the Superstar Shakeup. Whichever show has Brock Lesnar is the undisputed top show and at Survivor Series, Jinder is going to Suplex City. The challenge is accepted and Brock looks angry.

And again.

Finn Balor vs. Kane

Balor gets chased to the floor to start and comes back in where Kane hammers him down in the corner. A big boot cuts off a comeback attempt but Balor slugs him out to the floor anyway. Back in and the running corner clothesline sets up the side slam for two as this has been mostly Kane. A backbreaker keeps Finn in trouble and it’s another trip to the floor for more punishment. They head back inside where Balor hits a quick Sling Blade, followed by the shotgun dropkick. Balor loads up the Coup de Grace but Kane chokeslams him off the top. Two more chokeslams give Kane the clean pin at 8:50.

Rating: D-. Stupid, dumb, idiotic, short sighted, moronic, FREAKING RIDICULOUS and any other adjectives you care to name here. The idea is to build Kane up for a match with Strowman and there’s nothing wrong with that. What there IS something wrong with is using Balor to help build that up when he’s FINN FREAKING BALOR. You have him go over Styles on Sunday and lose to Kane clean on Monday? This is one of the dumbest decisions I’ve seen in a long time and that’s not a good sign going into one of biggest shows of the year.

Apollo Crews/Titus O’Neil vs. Luke Gallows/Karl Anderson

Gallows punches Titus into the corner to start but Titus chops the heck out of both of them. Apollo comes in for some kicks and the ring is cleared as we take a break. Back with Gallows kicking Titus in the face. The Magic Killer is good for the pin on Titus at 6:20. Well over half of that was in the break and it felt like something was clipped when we came back.

In the likely reason for the short second match, here’s the last thing from Raw.

Here’s Angle to announce the Raw men’s team but Shane comes out of the crowd, flanked by almost the entire Smackdown roster. Shane says Raw is under siege and Angle bails to the ramp. The Smackdown roster is told to go get them so they march to the back. First up is Titus Worldwide, who are beaten down in short order. The Raw women run away and it’s time to beat up some jobbers.

They head into the locker room to beat on Jason Jordan and Matt Hardy before heading into another room. More people are beaten up in another room and now it’s the women fighting each other. Rollins and Ambrose come in with chairs but are beaten down without too much effort. Baron Corbin and Rusev capture Angle and make him watch the beating before taking him back into the arena where Shane is waiting. Shane says they’ll finish this at Survivor Series. I liked this a lot more than I thought I would as they made it feel like an invasion for a change and it could go somewhere for a change.

Overall Rating: C-. This one all comes down to how you liked the ending as the wrestling here was nothing to see. The second match didn’t even need to be on the show and felt like filler instead of anything of value. The show wasn’t terrible and summed up everything you needed to know from Raw but that’s all there is to say here.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the Updated History of the Intercontinental Title in E-Book or Paperback. Check out the information here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2017/10/02/new-paperback-kbs-history-of-the-intercontinental-title-updated-version/

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Monday Night Raw
Date: October 31, 2016
Location: XL Center, Hartford, Connecticut
Commentators: Michael Cole, Corey Graves, Byron Saxton

We’re past the Cell but since it’s a holiday, tonight might feel like an even more important show that we saw last night. In this case, that might be due to Goldberg appearing as we’re now less than three weeks away from his showdown with Brock Lesnar at Survivor Series 2016. Let’s get to it.

We open with Goldberg, who gets the full walking entrance. Before he can say much though, Paul Heyman interrupts. Heyman knows he isn’t a physical threat to Goldberg but he’s willing to get inside the ring. There’s no way he would get into this ring without significant backup because Brock wants to fight tonight.

Goldberg is more than happy with this and takes off the jacket (that man just has the look that suggests he could fight anybody) as Lesnar’s music starts up. Of course that’s not happening tonight but Heyman realizes this could go badly for him. Cue Rusev of all people to praise Goldberg before challenging him to a fight. A few knees to the ribs and a Jackhammer later, Rusev is down. A weak spear takes Heyman down as well and Goldberg gets to pose.

We look at last night’s Universal Title match.

Enzo Amore vs. Luke Gallows

This is a Trick or Street Fight, meaning there are a bunch of Halloween themed weapons at ringside. Enzo and Cass come out as Buzz Lightyear and Woody because the world is smiling on us tonight. The pre-match speech hears Enzo say that Cass has a friend in him the beating will last to infinity and beyond. Cass: “There’s a snake in my boot!” Gallows throws him to the floor to start but gets beaten with a plastic skeleton. A trip to the bucket of apples has Gallows in trouble and we take a break.

Back with Gallows shoving pumpkin in Enzo’s face and throwing jack o’lanters at him for fun. A few orange kendo stick shots and a bulldog have Gallows in trouble and a pie to the face blinds Anderson. Cass kicks him through a table and puts a pumpkin (mostly) on Gallows’ head. The DDG sends Gallows chest first into a pumpkin (his head might have been a foot away from the mat) for the pin at 8:00.

Rating: B. Yeah the ending was horrible but this was exactly what this match should have been. The Buzz Lightyear stuff had me rolling and the ending being that botched actually kind of worked in something like this. It’s not like this match means anything so just turn your brain off and have fun with it.

Heyman leaves in an ambulance.

Cruiserweight Title: TJ Perkins vs. Brian Kendrick

Kendrick is defending and Roman Reigns says this is being pushed too hard. Before the match, Kendrick says he taught everyone that he doesn’t need help to win. Kendrick: “That’s psychology.” Last night he played on TJ’s emotions so tonight, TJ better have a plan to get the title back. Perkins starts fast with the fireman’s carry enziguri for two and we take an early break.

Back with Kendrick losing control of a chinlock and getting dropkicked in the back of the head. The first kneebar sends Kendrick over to the ropes. I might buy that as a possible ending if it wasn’t done in EVERY TJ PERKINS MATCH. A hurricanrana off the apron out to the floor sends both guys crashing outside….where Kendrick takes the countout at 6:30.

Rating: D+. OH MY GOODNESS STOP DOING THIS STUPID MATCH. No one cared the first time, fewer people cared the second time, and then the last two matches have been some of the least interesting things I’ve ever seen. This division has been so horribly botched and now it looks like we’re getting ready for Perkins vs. Kendrick V. My goodness this isn’t even funny anymore.

Perkins gives Kendrick the kneebar on the floor.

Mick Foley thinks Negan got the idea for Lucille from Cactus Jack. Braun Strowman comes up and says he wants to be part of Team Raw at Survivor Series. He’s tired of these lame handicap matches and now he wants real competition. Mick: “Is that a threat? Because if it is…..it’s working.” Foley puts Braun in a battle royal for a spot on the team. That seems to please the monster for now.

Here’s Foley to talk about last night’s show with a focus on the Universal Title match. Everything that Owens and Jericho did last night was legal but it all left a bad taste in Foley’s mouth. Jericho and Owens come out to brag about getting into the Cell last night and walking out with the title.

That win means they should be anchoring the Survivor Series team because they’re the top two guys on Raw. They laugh at Foley and bring up him losing the Cell match against HHH right here in Hartford, Connecticut. Foley gets in Owens’ face to yell about how much talent he has but Jericho keeps interfering. Jericho was standing there with a key around his finger and that’s what people are going to see on the WWE Network in eighteen years. Jericho: “Lock it in man.”

That’s enough for Foley, who says Stephanie only wanted Owens for Raw. However, Foley is going to put them both on the team along with another guy he can trust. That wouldn’t be just any guy, but rather THE guy. Reigns comes out and praises Foley’s pumpkin shirt while saying Owens and Jericho look like Spongebob and Patrick.

Roman was going to dress up like a stupid idiot but the store was out of Jericho costumes. Jericho teases putting someone on the List but NO ONE GOES ON THE LIST TONIGHT. Chris doesn’t like anyone here in the United States but he would still be a better US Champion than Reigns. That sounds good to Foley so the title match is made. To be fair that’s the only title Jericho has never won.

Package on Charlotte vs. Sasha Banks.

Battle Royal

Sami Zayn, Braun Strowman, Darren Young, Curtis Axel, Bo Dallas, Titus O’Neil, R-Truth, Jinder Mahal, Goldust, Cesaro, Sheamus, Neville

The winner is on Team Raw with Reigns, Jericho and Owens. A bunch of people go after Strowman to start but he quickly eliminates Truth and Dallas. Neville and Sheamus start double teaming but the Brogue Kick knocks Braun through the ropes instead of over them and we take a break.

Back with several names having been eliminated during the break. Sheamus gets rid of Young and Sami kicks Titus out. Cesaro throws Sheamus out but gets eliminated by Strowman. Braun throws Neville out as well and it’s down to Strowman and Sami. Some strikes have Braun in trouble but he throws Sami onto his shoulders. We get the Benoit/Big Show choke on the ropes with Brayn being pulled over the ropes, only to easily power Sami up and throw him out for the final elimination at 8:20.

Rating: D. This was exactly what it needed to be with Sami putting up a fight but Strowman cleaning house and basically dominating as he should have. They’ve done a great job of making Strowman out to be someone special and even if it’s just to be fed to another monster (like Brock), it still does its job. Bad match, good storytelling.

Emmalina video.

It’s New Day costume time….and all three are different variations of Charles Wright (Big E. as Kama, Woods as Papa Shango and Kofi as Godfather). They’re looking ahead to the future because they’re officially the captains of the Raw Survivor Series tag team. That means the power of positivity vs. the power of cheese and crackers. They’re not sure about the rest of their opponents because Shane and Bryan haven’t announced the rest of the lineup. Woods is a bit scared of American Alpha and they can’t actually come up with any insults for them. Not that it matters because New Day ROCKS.

Rich Swann/Lince Dorado/Cedric Alexander vs. Ariya Daivari/Tony Nese/Drew Gulak

Daivari gets his arm worked over to start before it’s quickly off to Nese vs. Alexander with Cedric being slammed face first into the barricade. A chinlock doesn’t last long and the hot tag brings in Rich to clean house. Swann’s rolling splash gets two and everyone winds up on the floor for a double dive. Rich kicks Nese in the face and a jackknife cover gets the pin at 6:31.

Rating: D+. I’m out of ways to complain about the same problems so go read one of the old ratings and meet me at the next segment.

We look back at the opening segment.

Here’s Charlotte for her address as champion. She calls the fans peasants and promises to lead the women’s team to victory against Team Smackdown and its captain Nikki Bella. Charlotte is ready to take on all of the Smackdown women but thinks there’s a weak link on her team and her name is Bayley.

Cue Bayley, who says she’s glad Charlotte called her out here. Seeing last night’s main event choked her up and she wants to congratulate Charlotte on her win. Unfortunately she’s also become the biggest jerk and the kind of champion Bayley never wants to be. Charlotte says this isn’t NXT anymore and she sees a glorified fan looking back at her. Therefore, tonight Bayley has a match with one of her teammates.

Bayley vs. Nia Jax

Charlotte is on commentary. Nia starts fast with a shoulder breaker and throws Bayley around a bit before grabbing a bearhug. Bayley reverses into the guillotine but Nia is a learning monster and drives her into the buckle for the break. Some kicks to the legs and a few dropkicks stagger Jax, only to have the standing Vader splash crush Bayley. Instead of the legdrop, Nia goes to the middle rope, only to have to fight out of a super Bayley to Belly. Bayley comes up holding her knee and a ram into the barricade makes it even worse. The knee seems to be fine as Nia hits the Samoan drop for the pin at 5:52.

Rating: C-. This was just a step ahead of a squash and another example of how Raw looks completely dominant against Smackdown, assuming the power of being FEARLESS overcomes Nia. Seriously would that surprise you at this point? Anyway, not bad here and a good sign that Nia keeps dominating like this.

Sheamus/Cesaro vs. Shining Stars

Epico is part of an early uppercut train as the fans call Sheamus a shame. The cousins start taking over on Cesaro with a dropkick and sunset flip for two. That means some PUERTO RICO chants….from the cousins but they do in fact exist. The tag brings in Sheamus to throw Primo to the floor and give Epico the ten forearms to the chest. The Cloverleaf makes Epico tap at 4:06.

Rating: D. In case you didn’t get the idea, Sheamus and Cesaro can work together very well but they don’t like each other too much. I don’t know if they’ve explained that just yet because they’ve only done the same idea for a month now. At least they didn’t just give them another shot at the titles right off the bat.

Earlier today, Golden Truth went to a haunted house and shenanigans ensue.

Jericho and Owens talk about the US Title match with Chris suggesting that Kevin be out there for some help. Owens is cool with the idea and thinks they can go get…….IT.

US Title: Chris Jericho vs. Roman Reigns

Reigns is defending and we get some Big Match Intros. Feeling out process to start until Jericho gets in a shot off the middle rope. They head outside with Owens throwing the weakened champ into the post as we take a break. Back with Jericho in control until he misses a charge in the corner.

Roman hits his string of clotheslines but the Superman Punch misses. The Lionsault hits knees so Jericho opts for the Walls in the middle of the ring. Roman powers out of that (duh) and grabs a sitout powerbomb for two more. Owens’ distraction doesn’t work and now the Superman Punch connects. The spear looks to finish but Owens comes in for the DQ at 14:50.

Rating: C. This was fine, though the ending wasn’t exactly a secret. You knew they weren’t going to change the title the night after Reigns successfully defended inside the Cell but at least Jericho gave him a good match. Owens being out there telegraphed the ending but we didn’t get a clean ending and that’s the right call.

Post match the beatdown is on until Seth Rollins comes out for the save. Rollins and Reigns share a staredown so maybe they’ll get back together for Survivor Series.

Overall Rating: C-. I always forget how absolutely draining these post pay per view Raw’s are. That’s over seven hours of TV in two days, not even counting Smackdown tomorrow night. The good thing is the show wasn’t really that bad and set up most of the Raw teams before we get to Survivor Series. I liked some of the matches to go with the storytelling and that’s what matters at the end of the day. Not bad but more proof that the show needs to be shorter.

Results

Enzo Amore b. Luke Gallows – DDG

TJ Perkins b. Brian Kendrick via countout

Braun Strowman won a battle royal last eliminating Sami Zayn

Rich Swann/Lince Dorado/Cedric Alexander b. Ariya Daivari/Tony Nese/Drew Gulak – Spinning kick to Nese’s head

Nia Jax b. Bayley – Samoan drop

Sheamus/Cesaro b. Shining Stars – Cloverleaf to Epico

Roman Reigns b. Chris Jericho via DQ when Kevin Owens interfered