Survivor Series Count-Up – 1999: Austin Fell Down

Survivor Series 1999
Date: November 14, 1999
Location: Joe Louis Arena, Detroit, Michigan
Attendance: 18,735
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

The WWF is comfortably in control of the wrestling world but it’s not stopping them from putting their foot on WCW’s throat. They’re on fire at this point and they know it, which is a very dangerous thing. It will get even better for them in the future as more and more talent will start leaving WCW for the WWF but that won’t be as apparent until next year. Let’s get to it.

We open with a video about the world title match tonight which they promoted knowing that it wasn’t going to happen. How classy of them.

Team Godfather/D’Lo Brown vs. Team Dudley Boys

Godfather, D’Lo Brown, Headbangers

Dudley Boys, Acolytes

The Dudleys (Bubba Ray and D-Von in case you somehow don’t know that) are brand new, having been around maybe a month or two. The Acolytes are Faarooq and Bradshaw and they just like to fight. This is the debut of Brown as Godfather’s partner in pimping. The Headbangers are dressed as pimps as well in a funny sight. Bubba still has a bad stutter here which was his whole gimmick for a few months. Godfather makes fun of him to tick the Dudleys off even further.

Bubba vs. Mosh (in afro) start things off. Bubba steals said afro but things speed up and the Dudleys are in trouble. A HARD clothesline takes Mosh down and it’s off to D-Von. The Dudleys were awesome at this point and were like nothing anyone had seen in years. Even their look was totally different and it worked very well. Off to Thrasher who has an afro held on with a chinstrap.

Bradshaw comes in and pounds away on Thrasher a bit before pounding him upside the head. Thrasher misses a corner charge and Bradshaw’s running clothesline eliminates him quickly. Off to Mosh vs. Faarooq with the latter missing a charge in the corner to little effect. Back to D-Von as Jerry talks about wanting ho’s for Christmas. Mosh hits the running crotch attack to D-Von but it’s off to Bubba via a blind tag and the 3D puts out Mosh, making it 4-2.

Brown comes in with a forearm to Bubba’s head and drops a leg for two. For absolutely no apparent reason, Bradshaw blasts Brown with the chair for a DQ, and does the same to Bubba as well, knocking him out cold. D-Von and Faarooq both want the pin and get in a fight over it, resulting in a double countout for a double elimination despite neither of them being legal. That would be the Dudleys’ first real feud.

Back in the ring Bubba gets two on Brown as it’s apparently 2-1 now. A suplex gets two for Bubba and it’s time for the bouncing punches from Ray. Brown comes back with a Sky High for two and loads up a top rope hurricanrana, only to get caught in an awesome middle rope sitout powerbomb for two. A double clothesline puts both guys down and it’s hot tag to Godfather. The Ho Train sets up the Low Down for the final elimination.

Rating: C. I remember reading someone say that Godfather was the perfect opening act because you were guaranteed a good pop whenever he was out there. The more I see of him in matches like this, the more I agree with that statement. The guy wasn’t great or anything but the fans loved him and he was always a fun character that you didn’t have to take too seriously. That kind of fun character is a great choice for an opener and this was a fine opener here too.

Remember that one of the best of all time debuting tonight? We get a video telling us how awesome his name is and how awesome his life has been so far. His name is Kurt Angle.

Kurt Angle vs. Shawn Stasiak

Stasiak is most famous for being an idiot in the a few years’ time and being the son of the most forgotten world champion ever in Stan Stasiak. Never heard of him? I think that proves my point. Angle immediately hits a fireman’s carry takeover and the boring chants start about fifteen seconds in.

They head to the mat with Angle hooking a hammerlock. The fans chant for the Redwings because someone actually wrestling in a wrestling match is an evil idea to fans in 1999. Stasiak comes back with a clothesline and a vertical suplex for two. Off to a chinlock which Kurt escapes pretty quickly. Angle comes back with a clothesline and goes to get the mic. He demands not to be booed because he’s the best in the world.

Back in and Kurt hits something like a dropkick but is put right back into the chinlock. The hold is broken again and Angle comes back with a powerslam for two. Stasiak hits a lay out F5 but misses a top rope cross body. The Olympic Slam gets the pin and starts one of the hottest rookie years ever in wrestling.

Rating: D+. For a debut, this wasn’t great. However, this would be the start of one of one of the best careers of all time. Angle being serious wasn’t the right choice for him and it wasn’t until he became a total goof that took himself WAY too seriously while being stupid at the same time that he became the awesome Kurt that we know and love. It helped that he could go with anyone in the ring too.

We get a clip from earlier on Heat where HHH called Austin and Rock to the ring in an attempted ambush but the combined forces of Road Dogg and X-Pac didn’t stop two of the biggest stars ever. He wasn’t quite the Cerebral Assassin yet.

Team Val Venis vs. Team British Bulldog

Val Venis, Mark Henry, Gangrel, Steve Blackman

British Bulldog, Mean Street Posse

Venis is an adult film star and Gangrel is a vampire. Even JR says that Val’s team has nothing in common. The Posse is a group of three guys from Greenwich, Connecticut who wear sweater vests and never won a match that wasn’t a hardcore match that they won by mistake. I have no idea why this match exists but my guess is “we have no idea what else to do with these fifteen minutes.” Bulldog is European Champion here which is likely a title Val wants.

The captains start things off and after some quick offense from both, it’s off to Pete Gas (the Posse was Rodney, Pete Gas and Joey Abs). Pete is scared to death of having to actually wrestle so it’s back to Bulldog. Once Venis is down it’s off to Pete who hits a slingshot to send Val chest first into the buckle. A belly to back suplex gets two for Pete as Jerry asks where JR would get nice clothes in Oklahoma. JR: “Arkansas.” Off to Blackman for the only thing he could do: martial arts. A bicycle kick eliminates Pete in a hurry.

Off to Rodney who has even less luck against Blackman, immediately getting taken down. Gangrel comes in and gets caught in a crucifix for two before realizing he’s fighting Rodney. He pounds on the Posse dude, shrugs off a cheap shot from Joey, and plants Rodney with the implant DDT for the elimination. Joey, by far the best of the three Posse members, comes in and gets to face Mark Henry. Joey actually hits a hot shot but crotches himself on the middle rope. Mark does about what you would expect him to and splashes him for the pin.

So it’s 4-1 now and Bulldog comes in to fight Henry. Mark runs Bulldog over with ease and it’s off to Gangrel. Gangrel goes up top and is immediately crotched and superplexed down to make it 3-1. Blackman is in next but he misses a middle rope headbutt. He argues with the referee and gets caught in a fisherman’s suplex to make it Henry/Val vs. Bulldog. Val gets to start but it’s quickly a double team. Jerry: “Hey what’s this?” JR: “Well it looks like Mark Henry and Val Venis double teaming the Bulldog King.” Val gets sent to the floor but Henry splashes Bulldog, allowing Val to come in off the top with the Money Shot for the pin.

Rating: D-. This was as worthless as it was advertised. The Posse is one of those groups that is funny in retrospect but at the time they were wasting PPV time when there had to have been better options for this spot. Venis would have been a bigger deal a year ago so I’m not quite sure why he was in this spot either. Little trivia note: this is the shortest four on four Survivor Series match ever, breaking the record set about 20 minutes ago.

Michael Cole walks in on the Divas locker room and has to rub oil on Ivory’s stomach.

Fabulous Moolah/Mae Young/Tori/Debra vs. Ivory/Luna Vachon/Terri Runnels/Jacqueline

Thank goodness this isn’t an elimination match. For some reason Moolah and Mae were wrestling in 99 with Moolah even winning the Women’s Title at one point. Keep in mind that they both retired about ten years earlier. Tori is a psycho fan turned wrestler, Ivory is a former valet turned wrestler, Luna Vachon is a veteran and rather strange looking, and Terri is eye candy. Jerry’s face when Debra comes out is hilarious. Ivory is Women’s Champion at this point. Moolah jumps the champion in the aisle to start but gets shoved down for her efforts. We officially start with Tori vs. Jackie but Luna comes in for some double teaming.

Keep in mind that Tori is a wrestler in name only, Mae and Moolah combined to be over 150 years old, and Terri and Debra are there as eye candy. After less than two minutes, a double clothesline from the old chicks gives Moolah the pin on Ivory. This may have been the worst idea this side of the birth of a hand. If you don’t get that reference, consider yourself lucky.

Moolah and Ivory “brawl” post match.

X-Pac lists off everything wrong with Kane and says he’ll win tonight. Short and simple here.

X-Pac vs. Kane

X-Pac turned on Kane when they were partners, starting a feud that went on for MONTHS. X-Pac eventually stole Kane’s girlfriend Tori as well, turning her into a smoking hot woman instead of a smoking hot bad wrestler. Earlier today, Tori and Kane said they don’t take what X-Pac has done personally. Kane has the awesome inverted tights colors tonight which he didn’t wear often enough. X-Pac jumps Kane during the entrance and we start fast.

Kane no sells all of the shots to his head. I’ve always wondered if the mask is supposed to absorb the offense from the other guy. Kane chokes away and uppercuts X-Pac down for no cover. Kane goes up but gets dropkicked in the head on the way up in a nice counter. We head to the floor for a bit where X-Pac sends him into the post to take over. Kane comes back with an uppercut but gets kicked in the head to take him back down.

More kicking slows Kane down but the Bronco Buster is countered by a hand around the throat. Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker puts X-Pac down and there’s the top rope clothesline. Kane loads up the chokeslam but Road Dogg comes in to break up the pin. Kane stalks the Dogg to the floor but walks into the X-Factor for two. The tombstone is loaded up but HHH comes in with the title belt shot to the head to draw the DQ.

Rating: C+. I liked this a lot more than most matches that X-Pac had going on at this time. The problem was that X-Pac would win all of his matches against monsters and it would get more and more unrealistic every time. Here though Kane took a lot of offense from X-Pac but it didn’t really hurt him, which is what made this much better. The feud would go on WAY too long though and it dragged things down

Post match Kane gets beaten down until Tori comes out. X-Pac kicks Tori in the face and Kane snaps, sending DX “scattering like quail” according to JR.

The Rock says nothing because HHH shows up and they brawl.

Big Show vs. Mideon/Viscera/Big Boss Man/Prince Albert

Mideon (Phineas Godwin) and Viscera (formerly known as Mabel) are former members of the evil Corporate Ministry stable. Albert is a huge man with a big bald head. This was supposed to be Big Show and Kaientai (Japanese comedy team) and Blue Meanie (…..I’m not sure how to describe Meanie) but Show beat them up so he could do this himself.

This is during the Boss Man vs. Big Show feud, which is based around Boss Man making fun of Show for having his dad die (kayfabe). It led to a bad moment at a “funeral” where Boss Man stole the coffin and dragged Show along the ground on top of the coffin with a car. Show chokes Albert to the floor and chokeslams Mideon for the pin in less than 20 seconds. Albert is gone 10 seconds later to a chokeslam, as is Viscera. Boss Man is like screw this and walks out. Show wins in less than 90 seconds.

Austin is in the back but HHH comes up to attack him too. HHH runs away with Austin chasing after him. Austin winds up in a parking garage and is run over by a car which speeds away. This was the way that Austin was written off TV for the better part of a year to have major neck surgery. He had needed it forever but it wasn’t until now when the company could afford to let him off for that long.

The question would eventually be who ran him over, and it would eventually be revealed as Rikishi (yet to debut on Raw) in one of the biggest WHAT WERE THEY THINKING moments ever. Test (young Canadian wrestler), Stephanie (Vince’s daughter, dating Test at this point) Vince and eventually HHH show up to look at Austin with most of them being concerned. JR goes to see him as well. Vince accuses HHH and DX but they deny any involvement.

Intercontinental Title: Chyna vs. Chris Jericho

Jericho has only been around a few months and is challenging here. Chyna (HHH’s former bodyguard and a woman capable of fighting men) has Miss Kitty here who isn’t even hiding that she’s eye candy, coming out in a bikini and boots. It’s a brawl to start and Kitty is shoved down because Jericho is a jerk. They head to the floor with Jericho’s knees going into the steps, but Chyna misses a dive off said steps to give the Canadian control.

Back in and Jericho gets hot shotted onto the ropes and put in the Tree of Woe. Chyna tries a German but Jericho kicks her low….with no effect because Chyna is Chyna. A standing hurricanrana takes Jericho down but he pops back up and clotheslines her to the floor. The springboard dive takes Chyna out again as JR talks about not being into the match due to what happened to Austin. For once this is an acceptable statement.

Jericho throws Chyna over the announce table and pours water over her head because, again, he’s a jerk. Back in and a missile dropkick gets two for Jericho and Chyna gets the same off a small package. Chyna tries to make a comeback but Jericho bulldogs him down for two and a BIG face pop. A spinwheel kick puts Chyna down and Jericho is swaggering. A clothesline puts Chyna on the floor and Kitty gets kissed. By Jericho that is.

Chyna comes back with a spear and posts Jericho as the crowd noticeably gets quieter. Back in and Jericho hits a layout powerbomb for two and frustration is setting in. The Lionsault misses and Chyna hits the springboard elbow and a DDT for two. With about two minutes left, Lawler mentions a stipulation that Jericho will get a sex change if he loses. That’s kind of a big deal Jerry.

With the referee down, a belt shot to the head gets two for Chris but Chyna comes back with a Pedigree for two of her own. Jericho puts her in the Walls but Chyna finally makes the rope. The place boos the escape to show where their allegiances lie. Jericho loads up a superplex but a Kitty distraction lets Chyna hit him low and a Pedigree (kind of) off the top gets the pin to retain the title.

Rating: B. This took a bit to get going but they hit a groove in that ending sequence. The most important thing here though was Jericho wrestled her like any other opponent rather than making a spectacle out of her being a woman. These two would stay at it for a while until Chyna went nuts and eventually started wrestling women, which was the downfall of her career. Well that and being nuts and HHH breaking up with her, but that’s another story.

HHH comes in to see Shane, Stephanie and Test. He still denies having anything to do with it but wants to know if the match is now one on one. Shane says he’ll think of something. Note that Test is there with Shane.

Team Too Cool vs. Team Edge/Christian

Too Cool, Hollys

Edge/Christian, Hardy Boys

This is just after the Hardys (another team you should know) and the Edge/Christian (same) had the first tag team ladder match which would launch them into stardom soon after. Too Cool (Grandmaster Sexay and Scotty Too Hotty, a pair of dancing nitwits) are still stupid here, as opposed to later on when they would be stupid and WAY over. The Hollys (Hardcore and Crash) are cousins that like to fight a lot. The Hardys have Terri in their corner. Edge and Scotty get things started as Jerry talks about Scotty’s pants. They chop it out in the corner before things speed up a bit and Edge spinwheel kicks him down.

Off to Crash vs. Matt with Matt getting two off a suplex. Crash gets crotched on the top and punched to the floor. Grandmaster sneaks up on Matt for a sunset bomb to the floor. We unleash the dives as everyone small enough to try a big dive busts one out with Jeff capping it off. Back in and Christian powerslams Crash for two. The Hollys hit a Hart Attack on Christian for two of their own and Hardcore is in.

We’re promised an update on Austin at the end of this match because THIS MATCH of all things is more important than a guy being hit by a car. Off to Grandmaster whose bulldog is countered and he goes flying so far that he kicks the camera, giving us a cool visual. Off to Hardcore vs. Edge, who starts spearing a lot of people. Grandmaster stops to dance and is immediately speared down. In the big melee, Hardcore rolls up Edge for the pin. Fifteen seconds later, Scotty hits a top rope DDT to eliminate Matt, making it 4-2.

Jeff and Scotty do a fast pinfall reversal sequence before Scotty hits the not yet popular Worm. A sitout powerbomb by Scotty with Grandmaster assisting gets two as does a middle rope missile dropkick from Sexay. Too Cool hits the second Hart Attack of the match for two on Jeff. Everything breaks down but the Hollys get in an argument. Terri gets on the apron for a distraction which lets Christian hit both of Too Cool low. Jeff hits a 450 on Scotty for the elimination.

So it’s Crash/Grandmaster/Hardcore Holly vs. Jeff and Christian. JR goes on a rant about Austin as Christian and Jeff try some Poetry in Motion, but Hardcore comes off the top with a missile dropkick in a SWEET looking counter. Grandmaster adds a guillotine legdrop for the elimination. Christian immediately hits a reverse DDT on Grandmaster to get us down to Christian vs. the Hollys.

JR continues to brood and want an update about Austin. Jerry needling him makes me chuckle as he’s awesome at being a jerk. Crash beats on Christian for a bit before it’s off to Hardcore again. Back to Crash who gets caught in the Killswitch for the pin. Christian tries a victory roll on Hardcore but he falls on top to get the pin on Christian for the win.

Rating: C+. The problem here was that the pairing that this should have been based around, Edge and Christian and the Hardys, were on the same team rather than getting to tear the house down against each other. The other two teams didn’t mean anything and the ending of this sucked. Once the Dudleys got involved with the brotherly pairs, it was all gravy for almost two years.

Shane says that Vince is at the emergency room with Austin. Austin never lost consciousness but is still undergoing tests. Shane says there will be a triple threat tonight, but Austin won’t be in it. Test is there once again.

Tag Titles: New Age Outlaws vs. Mankind/Al Snow

The Outlaws are defending. Ross accuses Billy of being the driver but Lawler doesn’t care at all. Mankind says Austin will get through this. Gunn and Mankind get things going with Billy getting two off a neckbreaker. We hit a sleeper like a minute in and then we look at the Head. JR and Jerry are arguing again as the guys in the ring go to the floor, making them guys no longer in the ring.

Dogg accidentally hits Billy in the face and it’s off to Snow. JR talks about Snow having his action figure pulled off the shelves at Wal-Mart because some stupid professor said that having a severed head included in a toy would send the wrong message to her kids about violence to women. This is going to be a quick sidebar.

First and foremost, it’s not a severed head. It’s a mannequin head and simply LOOKING AT THE THING would tell you that. Second, if you’re concerned about what kind of impression a toy would give to your kids, either A, don’t buy it for them, or B, tell them why you don’t like it. Heaven forbid you have to tell your kid he can’t have something he wants because you deem it inappropriate. Third, and this is the part that I like best, Snow mentioned in a promo that clearly the stores care about their customers because they pulled the figure from the shelves, but the guns, bullets and knives are still on the shelves.

Anyway, now that the people who can’t think before they run their mouths and have to decide how people should live their lives because apparently people aren’t smart enough to make decisions for themselves are out of the way, let’s get back to this dull match. Mankind pounds on Roadie in the corner and hits a running knee to the head. Snow pokes Road Dogg with a chair in the ribs which isn’t a DQ for some reason. Neither is the shot to Dogg’s back from Mankind.

Back inside, Mankind hooks a reverse chinlock followed by a lot of stomping in the corner from Al. Mankind gets two off a knee lift as things continue to go slowly. Snow hits his headbutts but Road Dogg fires off some lefts and a big right to take Snow down. Everything breaks down and the crowd is DEAD for this. They head to the floor with the Outlaws taking over.

Snow gets beaten on for awhile before clotheslining Dogg down and it’s not hot tag to Mankind. Mankind pounds away for a bit but gets caught by the Fameasser for two. Snow hits the Snow Plow on Road Dogg and here’s Socko. Both Outlaws get Clawed but they both hit Mankind low to escape. Snow hits Billy with Head to give Mankind a two count, followed quickly by the Outlaws hitting a spike piledriver on Mankind to retain.

Rating: D. This got better at the end but the twelve minutes before that were way too dull to be considered good. Mankind and Snow were there to fill in spots and while that’s ok, it doesn’t make for an interesting match. It didn’t help that the crowd was deader than Billy Gunn’s career for most of the match. Nothing to see here.

Since Vince is at the hospital, he won’t be refereeing the main event tonight.

We see Austin get run down again.

WWF World Title: The Rock vs. HHH vs. ???

HHH is defending and this is one fall to a finish. The third man is…..shockingly not Test but rather the Big Show. I mentioned Test over and over again tonight because every sign on the planet pointed to him being the guy but they went with Show instead. That’s not to say this is a horrible idea or that it doesn’t make sense because there were no clues or anything beforehand, but it was certainly a surprising pick.

Rock and HHH attack Show to start but to no avail. Show shoulder blocks them down but Rock breaks up a chokeslam on the champ. Rock and HHH team up to clothesline Show to the floor but Rock is quickly pulled outside. All three guys wind up on the floor with HHH getting dropped on the barricade. Back in and Show misses a splash in the corner and gets caught in a Russian legsweep for no cover.

The People’s Elbow gets one on Show as HHH saves. HHH chokes Rock in the corner but Show gets back up and side slams Rock for two. Show kicks HHH to the floor and knocks the champ up the aisle. The fans don’t seem to be sure what to think of Show in this spot but they’re not bored. Rock charges up the aisle to clothesline Show down before going after HHH again.

HHH gets knocked through a production table and Rock is in control. Scratch that theory as Show comes in and beats the tar out of HHH, only to have Rock hit Show with a fire extinguisher. Rock and HHH start heading back to the ring but HHH suplexes him in the aisle. Show is back because the guy can’t be kept down. Show drops HHH on the announce table but Rock drills Show in the head with the bell. Rock and HHH hit a double suplex on Show through the table for the WHOA spot of the match.

Rock and HHH head into the crowd to brawl as this has been a wild fight for the majority of the match so far. Back to the ring and the referee gets clotheslined down by Rock by mistake. The Rock Bottom and Pedigree are both countered, the latter being countered into a catapult into the buckle. There’s the Rock Bottom but there’s no referee. Shane runs out in a referee’s shirt to count two.

Another Rock Bottom hits but Show pulls Shane out of the ring. Rock goes after Show on the floor which goes quite well for the giant. Show puts him on the table and goes back into the ring to knock HHH down before going back to beat on Rock some more. Rock gets thrown into the steps and HHH has the belt, only for Shane to take it away. HHH Pedigrees Shane and they’re all back inside again. Here’s DX to go after Big Show and Rock but here’s Vince as well. He knocks HHH out with the belt and a chokeslam makes Show champion.

Rating: C-. This didn’t work that well for me at all. Show has no connection to the feud at all which hurts things a bit, but at the end of the day there was no real flow to the match at all. Show winning is a good pick as it gives some closure to the week for him where his dad died and all that, but his title reign wouldn’t work all that well due to him mainly feuding with Big Boss Man. Still though, decent moment but a bad match.

Show celebrates to end the show.

Overall Rating: D+. This is a very back and forth show as the stuff that was interesting was interesting (although not necessarily good) and the stuff that was bad and dull was VERY bad and dull. This show is much more about setting things up for the future, which is ok, but it doesn’t really do much for those of us watching this. Not really recommended, but there are some far worse shows out there.

Ratings Comparison

Team Godfather/D’Lo Brown vs. Team Dudley Boys

Original: B-

Redo: C

Kurt Angle vs. Shawn Stasiak

Original: C+

Redo: D+

Team Val Venis vs. Team British Bulldog

Original: D+

Redo: D-

Team Mae Young vs. Team Ivory

Original: N/A

Redo: N/A

Kane vs. X-Pac

Original: C+

Redo: C+

Big Show vs. Team Big Boss Man

Original: N/A

Redo: N/A

Chyna vs. Chris Jericho

Original: B

Redo: B

Team Too Cool vs. Team Edge/Christian

Original: B

Redo: C+

New Age Outlaws vs. Al Snow/Mankind

Original: D+

Redo: D

Big Show vs. HHH vs. The Rock

Original: C+

Redo: C-

Overall Rating

Original: B

Redo: D+

I liked most of the matches better the first time and the overall rating was higher. Simple and easy, as usual.

Here’s the original review if you’re interested:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2011/11/08/history-of-survivor-series-count-up-1999-a-lot-happens-here/

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of Complete 1997 Monday Night Raw Reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/product/B015IN12I2

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:


http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6




Watched Jerry Springer’s Too Hot For TV (Kind Of)

It’s Hail To The Attitude Era time!This is a big waste of time with yet another montage of clips from the Attitude Era, which is basically all the Network exists for during the day.  Basically it’s a few long packages on Sable/Marc Mero, Chyna/Mark Henry/Mae Young/Sammi and OF COURSE a history of Stephanie’s love issues.  That would be fine for like ten minutes, but this goes on for over half an hour with a few montages of clips thrown in to fill in the time.

Jerry Springer could be any person in the world on this show and sounds like he’s reading off a teleprompter (which he probably was).  It’s designed to be like a highlight reel of something he’d host, which is fine in theory but the run time just cripples this thing.  Cut this up into thirds and it’s tolerable, but at half an hour I was skipping through it every few seconds.  This doesn’t need to exist and I’d be stunned if it survives, at least in this form, until July.




Monday Night Raw – December 31, 2012: Happy New Year! Here’s Some WWE Comedy!

Monday Night Raw
Date: December 31, 2012
Location: Verizon Center, Washington, D.C.
Commentators: Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole

It’s the final show of the year, unless you count the other shows that were taped after this. For the second week in a row, we’ve got a show that probably shouldn’t happen but is anyway because WWE believes people want to sit around on New Year’s Eve and watch their pretty lame shows. We’re getting close to Rumble time but the first show of next year has the Rock and a title match so odds are we’ll hear about next week more than the PPV. Let’s get to it.

Here’s MizTV to open the show. Apparently tonight is a Championship Special, meaning all titles (minus the WWE Title I’m assuming) are on the line and the champions get to pick their opponents. Miz’s guest is Cena who tells us all happy holidays. Miz talks about Cena being on the show before when the AJ saga was going full scale. Tonight, Cena is going to be a guest at Ziggler and AJ’s champagne toast.

This brings out the Rhodes Scholars for no apparent reason with Damien quoting T. S. Elliot. Cena quotes RG3 (Redskins’ quarterback) and says the Scholars suck. Cena looks at Cody’s mustache and Sandow makes fun of the two of them going from main eventing Wrestlemania to being in the Scholars’ shadows. Cena wants a tag match RIGHT NOW and apparently he’s getting one. Cole: “Did you ever think you would see Miz and Cena on the same team?” You mean the former WWE Tag Team Champions Cole?

Rhodes Scholars vs. John Cena/The Miz

Cena and Cody start things off but a fast tag to Miz lets him come in with a top rope ax handle. Off to Sandow who is knocked to the floor almost immediately and we take a break. Back with Cena hitting a suplex on Sandow and hooking a chinlock. Off to Miz who fights out of the heel corner during a discussion of his mustache. Ten punches in the corner and a big left hand get two for Miz but Cody pounds him into the other corner to take over.

Damien hits the Wind-Up Elbow before it’s back to Cody for more chinlockery. Sandow comes back in and gets small packaged for two but he blocks the tag to Cena. Cody hooks a quick armbar before it’s back to Sandow for a knee drop. The match keeps going as Cody comes back in again for more really basic offense. Miz blocks a bulldog though and there’s the hot tag. It’s Sandow that gets to take the finishing sequence but Cody takes Cena down with the Disaster Kick. Cody walks into the Finale and Cena hits the AA on Sandow for the pin at 12:04.

Rating: C-. This got dull during the middle but you can’t say they’re not at least trying to make the fans accept Miz. Having him hang out with Cena is as good a way as you can make the people cheer him as there is in WWE, so why not try it? As usual though, Cole’s commentary made my head hurt.

There’s a New Year’s Party going on in the back of course. Ziggler runs into Vickie and gets a match with Sheamus as a result. I guess they’re done.

January 14 is the 20th anniversary show so they can hopefully have a good rating.

The Prime Time Players dance in the back when Heyman and Punk come up to Vickie. Punk has brought his doctor to prove that his injury is indeed real. Vickie says that’s ok and asks Punk who he would have defended against tonight. Punk says Ryback of course, which leads to Ryback vs. the Shield in a handicap match after Punk whines about disrespect.

Here’s Cesaro to run down America. This brings out the only man you call when there’s someone anti-American and Jim Duggan is busy.

US Title: Antonio Cesaro vs. Sgt. Slaughter

Slaughter slaps him in the back to start but is promptly caught in a chinlock. A quick Cobra Clutch is countered by Antonio grabbing the rope and the Neutralizer ends this in 1:47. Were you expecting anything else?

Antonio hits another Neutralizer and there’s no Khali to make the save for some reason.

HELL NO is in the back pacing back and forth. They wanted to face the Shield tonight but now there’s no one to fight. All hail the great new tag division! Anyway they hear strange noises from behind a sliding door, and find 3MB singing. We’ve got opponents.

At the party Big Show asks Ricardo if he wants a title match tonight and apparently Show has picked him. Ricardo spills a drink on Show’s boot so Show scares Rodriguez a bit more.

Elsewhere, Kaitlyn brings Mae Young tot he party. Eve comes up and makes fun of her and picks Mae to face for the title shot. Oh joy.

Tag Titles: HELL NO vs. 3MB

It’s Slater/McIntyre here. We get a Nexus reunion to start with Daniel vs. Heath. Slater gets in a quick shot but walks into a surfboard and Kane. Didn’t Slater lose to Kane on the first season of NXT? Off to McIntyre as Cole talks about Auld Lang Syne. Back to Bryan who gets caught on the mat and stomped a bit before being low bridged to the floor. Mahal hits a running knee to the head and Bryan is in trouble.

Slater hooks a chinlock as Lawler makes band jokes. Bryan and Slater hit stereo cross bodies as Cole remembers there’s a tag title match going on. Hot tag brings in Kane for some slams and a leg drop (brother!). The side slam gets two on McIntyre and there’s the top rope clothesline. Slater is thrown to the floor and the chokeslam/Swan Dive retains the titles at 6:06.

Rating: C. Cole and Lawler sounded as bored as I’ve heard them sound in years out there. Can you really blame them though? We had two comedy teams against each other here, which is the problem with this show: why would the champions difficult opponents for themselves? Odds are we’ll see one title change hands tonight for fan service, which is better than nothing but it doesn’t make the rest of the show any easier to get through.

We recap the opening tag match.

Here are Punk, Heyman, and Punk’s doctor with something to say. Heyman talks about how Punk has been champion for 407 days which is rather impressive. Punk talks about everyone he’s beaten over the course of the last year and names them off as usual. Apparently people are questioning how real his knee is, with some even calling if felonious. Punk’s doctor, looking no more than about 24, with x-rays of what a good knee looks like compared to Punk’s knee. The doctor says that Punk can’t compete next week.

Cue Vince who has a different opinion I’m guessing. He suggests that Punk is trying to weasel his way out of the defense against Ryback and says next week that WWE physicians will look at Punk’s knee before next week. Vince thinks there’s something up between Punk and/or Maddox and the Shield. Punk is offended and denies an association with the four guys listed again. If Punk doesn’t go next week, Heyman takes his place.

Sheamus vs. Dolph Ziggler

Sweet Christmas how many times do we have to watch these two fight? Sheamus pounds him down to start and drops an elbow for two. Lawler makes jokes about AJ’s romantic issues over the year. Remember, this is JERRY LAWLER talking about someone’s relationship issues. Langston breaks up the ten forearms in the ropes and we take a break.

Back with Ziggler holding a quickly broken chinlock followed by the jumping DDT for two. The jumping elbow gets the same and Ziggler pounds away. We hit the chinlock again for a bit until Sheamus fights out. A powerslam puts Ziggler down and there’s a middle rope fallaway slam for a delayed two.

Sheamus goes up but gets crotched almost immediately, only to shove Ziggler down twice and hit the top rope shoulder for two. Dolph escapes the Cloverleaf but can’t escape White Noise for no cover. Langston breaks up the Brogue Kick but Shemaus sends Ziggler to the floor to escape the Zig Zag. Sheamus and Langston stare each other down and here’s the Shield for the DQ at 12:46.

Rating: C. To say I’m over this matchup would be the understatement of the year. For those two of you counting, this makes Sheamus 10-0 in singles matches and 18-1-1 in singles and regular tags against Dolph this year. Yet they wonder why Ziggler isn’t over in the main event scene. Anyway, the usual Ziggler vs. Sheamus match here with a screwy finish.

The Shield beats Sheamus down and hits the Triple Bomb on him.

Barrett comes up to Kofi in the back to set up their title match later tonight.

Brad Maddox asks Punk and Heyman for another shot. Heyman throws Maddox out. GO PAULIE GO!

Mae Young has a stomach ache and has to be examined. The doctor declares her pregnant. Mae: “Not again!”

Eve comes out to brag about how she would have defended against Mae tonight, and wants to be declared winner by forfeit. Oh wait she needs a photographer first. Instead she gets Kaitlyn. You know, BECAUSE THIS HASN’T HAPPENED ENOUGH YET. Kaitlyn charges the ring and beats Eve down and I don’t think there’s going to be a match. Ignore the referee in the ring I guess. Eve gets her belt and bails.

Alberto says he should get the shot instead of Ricardo. Rodriguez says he’ll win the title in Del Rio’s honor. Alberto apologizes for treating Ricardo badly over the years and says he’ll be there for Ricardo tonight. He also gives Rodriguez his scarf to make him look like a champion. Ricardo gets to drive Alberto’s car to the ring tonight too. See, THIS is the kind of stuff that makes people sympathize with Alberto more, unlike Miz who is the same guy he was before the turn. SHOW US how they’re different and we’ll buy it.

Smackdown World Title: Big Show vs. Ricardo Rodriguez

Ricardo is in his tuxedo here. He goes for a leg to start and then the pain begins. Show hits a big chop in the corner and shouts in a Spanish accent. He talks trash to Alberto, allowing Ricardo to get a boot up in the corner followed by a running enziguri in the corner. Show’s boot out of the corner is countered into a kind of Stunner onto the knee, but Ricardo jumps into a big chop out of the corner. Show loads up the WMD when Alberto runs in for the DQ at 2:27.

Alberto kicks Big Show down and leaves, before doing THE WINK. I missed that thing.

Intercontinental Title: Kofi Kingston vs. Wade Barrett

Kofi is defending and fires off some kicks to start. As soon as the bell rang, the place went silent. Kofi does his leapfrogs into the back elbow into a dropkick for two. He rolls out of a top wristlock and tries Trouble in Paradise but Wade bails away. A clothesline puts both guys on the floor and we take our second break in less than five minutes. Back with Barrett in control via a boot to the face that is ONLY available from the WWE App. I know this because it was shown on Raw as Cole told us it was only available on the WWE App.

Barrett gets two off the pumphandle slam and fires away knees to the face. The boot in the ropes misses and Kofi kicks Wade to the floor. A springboard dive takes Barrett down and they head back in for Kofi to kind of botch a counter to the Boss Man Slam into a sunset flip for two. SOS gets two followed by Kofi’s punches in the corner being countered into a powerbomb for two on Kofi. The kick misses again and I think we have something cut out before the Wasteland gets two. Barrett runs Kofi over and kicks him in the head, but Kofi misses the springboard cross body. The Bull Hammer gives Barrett the title at 12:28.

Rating: C+. I was digging this match by the end even though the booking is annoying. Barrett winning the title is fine because Kofi is going to be stuck in the midcard area he’s in for years to come, which is fine. The match was solid enough and that’s what it needed to be, but I see absolutely no reason why this didn’t happen at TLC. All that match accomplished was making sure both guys have one clean win over the other, which is just stupid.

In the back, Mae is ready for delivery.

For some reason we recap last week’s Santa stuff. Nice job of enforcing that face push for Del Rio.

Santino and Zack show up to the party as Mae is about to deliver. HELL NO comes in and argue over whether or not this shouuld happen. Santino can see the baby coming. It’s Hornswoggle, complete with a hat, a banner saying Happy New Year, and a cigar. I have….nothing. My jaw is hanging open, I have no idea what I just saw, I don’t want to ever think about this again.

And now, here’s the Shield!

Ryback vs. The Shield

The brawl starts in the aisle before the bell and the beatdown begins until Sheamus runs down for the save. He gets beaten down as well until Randy Orton returns to make the real save. Good thing it wasn’t a long term injury. Methinks this is a six man for the Rumble. The non-Shield guys clear the ring. No match here.

It’s 10:45 and it’s time for the closing segment. Ziggler and AJ are in white and Langston is in his gear. Dolph complains about Cena winning Superstar of the Year and then Cena vs. Rock got Match of the Year, which Cena lost. Then the next night Lesnar returned and laid Cena out. Then Cena Lost to Johnny Ace. Then Cena lost his cash-in attempt. Then Ziggler beat Cena at TLC thanks to AJ.

Ziggler talks about how Cena is the same guy he was ten years ago (no he isn’t) and how it’s now Ziggler’s time. Cena is officially uninvited to the toast, so Langston is tasked with keeping Cena out of the ring. Ziggler and AJ kiss and here’s Cena. He says Ziggler is right and if you judge the year by how it goes out, 2012 was the year of Dolph and AJ.

Cena rips on AJ’s romance issues and we get the always “funny” fake photos of AJ and Ziggler shopping for wedding clothes and baby pictures. It’s a set of pictures of AJ’s children with various wrestlers’ faces superimposed, including Mr. Fuji, Eve, Matilda the Bulldog and Hillbilly Jim. Cena talks about how he’s been here ten years and had one bad year. Ziggler on the other hand has been here and has been a caddy then a cheerleader and now he carries around a briefcase. Cena enters the Rumble and promises to be champion next year.

John goes off on a rant about Ziggler and AJ wearing white and says that even though his uniform has never changed over the years (yeah it has), his message and resolve never have. Cena offers a toast to them to end the year…..and brown stuff that apparently smells bad falls from the ceiling onto Ziggler and AJ to end the show. Let’s see: superimposed images, Mae Young and human waste. It’s the WWE comedy triple pack!

Overall Rating: D+. Every good thing about last week’s show was absent tonight. There was no joy to this show at all and the “comedy” was excruciating. I mean, of all the things from the 90s to bring back, they pick Mae Young being pregnant? I get that it’s a one night thing but seriously, MAE YOUNG BEING PREGNANT IS WHAT YOU BRING BACK? The ending segment had its moments, but the “comedy” again brings it down. Next week has to be better than this one at least.

Results

John Cena/The Miz b. Rhodes Scholars – AA to Sandow

Antonio Cesaro b. Sgt. Slaughter – Neutralizer

HELL NO b. 3MB – Swan Dive to McIntyre

Sheamus b. Dolph Ziggler via DQ when the Shield interfered

Big Show b. Ricardo Rodriguez via DQ when Alberto Del Rio interfered

Wade Barrett b. Kofi Kingston – Bull Hammer

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