Wrestlemania XXIII
Date: April 1, 2007
Location: Ford Field, Detroit, Michigan
Attendance: 80,103
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole, Tazz, John Bradshaw Layfield, Joey Styles

It’s the biggest night of the year and this time the show does indeed feel big. You can feel how things have been going strong on the way here and I want to see how it goes. That takes some work when I have already seen the show multiple times. It is a stacked card and the biggest is Bobby Lashley vs. Umaga in the Battle of the Billionaires, which is really Donald Trump vs. Vince McMahon. Let’s get to it.

Before we get to the show, let’s do the pre-show match for a bonus.

Pre-Show: Ric Flair/Carlito vs. Gregory Helms/Chavo Guerrero

This is a lumberjack match to get more people in front of the crowd. The entrance is a little weird here as there is a huge curtain in front of the set, which does make this feel like a bonus. Flair and Helms start things off with Helms taking him into the corner for a slap to the face. A hiptoss into some chops slow Helms down and it’s Carlito coming in to knee lift Chavo.

Carlito dropkicks Chavo off the apron to little avail but Helms kicks Carlito off the apron to take over. Back in and Chavo belly to back suplexes him into a chinlock but Carlito fights up in a hurry. The hot tag brings in Flair to clean house as everything breaks down. Helms breaks up the Figure Four but Chavo misses the frog splash. Guerrero is back up and tries the Three Amigos but Carlito escapes and hits the Backstabber for the pin.

Rating: C-. Nothing but a standard Raw match here (if you ignore the Smackdown wrestlers involved) and that is perfectly fine for the spot they were in. This was about warming the crowd up and having Flair out there is going to do that just fine. Sometimes you need someone to set the stage for later and these four did it just fine in a very simple tag match.

The opening video looks at a history of the show, including some major moments. We also get a special look at Wrestlemania III, with the famous Vince McMahon introduction swinging into this year’s America the Beautiful, once again sung by Aretha Franklin.

We go to the regular opening video, featuring a bunch of wrestlers talking about how they have always dreamed of being here as children. Now they are all grown up and it is time to take the stage themselves. This campaign has grown on me a lot over the years and I like it a good bit more than I used to.

Edge vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy vs. CM Punk vs. King Booker vs. Finlay vs. Randy Orton vs. Mr. Kennedy

Money in the Bank as they’re starting big this year. Everyone looks up at the briefcase to start and then it’s already time to head outside for the fight. It’s a brawl to start and Finlay dives off the top onto almost everyone else. Matt has to cut off Edge’s climb, leaving Orton and Finlay to climb the ladder to no avail. Booker goes to pull out another ladder but finds Hornswoggle’s stepladder instead, allowing Punk to knock him down.

Edge bridges a ladder between the apron and the barricade but Booker starts cleaning house. There’s the Spanarooni, only to have the Hardys run Booker over with ladders. For some reason Finlay saves Edge from the see saw ladder treatment and Edge suplexes Matt onto the ladder. Kennedy’s Kenton Bomb onto hits ladder (with Kennedy landing HARD on the back of his head) and it’s a Hardy slugout on top of the ladder.

Finlay breaks that up but gets speared down by Edge. More spears drop just about everyone else but Punk wraps the ladder around his head to knock out various people. Edge slides in the big ladder and climbs, at least until Orton shoves him over the top and out to the floor. Matt lays Edge over the bridged ladder and Jeff dives onto him, breaking the ladder to get rid of both of them. Both guys are taken out on stretchers and we’re down to a six way.

Now it’s time for the parade of RKOs and Orton climbs, despite not being underneath the briefcase. Punk breaks that up and climbs as well, only to get taken down with a super RKO for the huge spot. Booker grabs the Book End and goes up but Matt is there to catch him. Cue Queen Sharmell to grab Matt’s leg but Booker gets distracted by Matt and walks into the Twist of Fate.

Finlay gives Matt a Celtic Cross onto the ladder, busting himself open in the process. Now it’s Hornswoggle going up the ladder until Kennedy catches him for a super Regal Roll off the ladder. Punk dropkicks the ladder down to cut Finlay off and it’s Punk vs. Kennedy on top of the ladder. Kennedy gets knocked down but comes back up and kicks Punk down, allowing him to grab the briefcase for the win.

Rating: B. I never know how to rate these things but it was another blast with everyone flying around and having one crash after another. This was a lot of fun and one of the right people won, which is what matters the most in a match like Money in the Bank. Everyone got a chance to shine here, even in a complete car crash match like this one. Rather fun opener.

We look at the premiere of the Condemned. It wasn’t that good.

Mr. Kennedy congratulates himself and says any champion needs to have eyes in the back of his head because he’s coming with the briefcase.

Batista is All Grown Up.

Great Khali vs. Kane

Interpromotional battle of the monsters, though Kane doesn’t even have his big hook here. Khali shoves him down to start and adds a shoulder to drop Kane again. There’s a clothesline to set up a slam as it’s all Khali so far. The nerve hold doesn’t last long so Khali starts stomping away in the corner as JR gets in the bowling shoe line. Kane is back with some right hands and the top rope clothesline, which doesn’t knock Khali down.

Instead, Kane knocks him into the ropes for the tie up and NOW it’s time for the big hook. That takes too long though and the slugout is on with Khali getting the better of things. Khali rips the turnbuckle pad off but Kane gets in a low blow into the slam (for the Hogan/Andre callback). It’s just a slam though so Khali is back up with the double chokeslam for the pin.

Rating: D. What else were you expecting here? They had five minutes and the whole thing was about making Khali look like a monster. The hook never meant anything (as it would have killed Khali) but the slam was a cool moment. Sometimes you need a bit of a cool down match and that’s what you got here after the crazy opener.

The Divas are All Grown Up.

Cryme Tyme try to cheer Eugene up so here is Extreme Expose for the dancing. Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young come up in the same outfits to dance but Slick (get him in the Hall of Fame already) comes in to show them up. Dusty Rhodes, IRS, Jimmy Hart, Gerald Brisco (in a suit of course) and finally Ricky Steamboat come in. Say it with me: Ron Simmons comes in for the catchphrase.

US Title: MVP vs. Chris Benoit

MVP is challenging and has his own cheerleaders for some Wrestlemania flavor. Benoit drives him into the corner to start and grabs a headscissors on the mat. That’s reversed into a headlock as they’re going technical early on. MVP has to block the German suplex and the Crossface but Benoit sends him outside. Back in and MVP has to go to the rope to break up another Crossface attempt, which has Cole impressed. With the holds not working, Benoit chops him into the corner and loads MVP up on top, only to get knocked back down.

MVP starts in on the arm, including with some kicks and driving shoulders. The confidence gets a bit too high though as Benoit snaps off the rolling German suplex. It’s too early for the Swan Dive though and MVP catches him on top with a superplex. MVP stays on the shoulder by sending it into the post and a belly to back suplex onto the arm gets two. We hit the armbar for a bit but Benoit pops up and snaps on the Crossface. The bar arm gives out though and MVP plants him with a slam. Ballin gets two but the running boot misses in the corner. Benoit rolls more German suplexes and the Swan Dive retains the title clean.

Rating: C+. This was always a weird one for me as they set up MVP to win the title but then Benoit just retains clean. I’m still not sure what the point of this one was other than to give us a surprise. The match itself was like a good Smackdown match so it isn’t out of place, but this felt like a curve ball for the sake of a curve ball, as it isn’t like Benoit is some kind of amazing champion.

Donald Trump is in on the phone in his dressing room and complaining about things. Boogeyman comes in and Trump no sells it, asking for some food.

Undertaker is All Grown Up.

We look at the Hall of Fame induction ceremony from last night. William Shatner still seems to have almost no idea who Jerry Lawler is.

Official attendance: 80,103.

Howard Finkel introduces the Hall of Fame Class of 2007 (I still love that song):

Jim Ross (quite the reaction)
Curt Hennig (represented by family)
Jerry Lawler (also quite the reaction)
Nick Bockwinkel (Fans don’t seem to know him, but is this guy ever not impeccably dressed?)
Mr. Fuji (I would never have recognized him, though it’s Don Muraco of all people wheeling him out)
The Wild Samoans (Not much of a reaction but how were they not in already?)
The Original Sheik (represented by his wife)
Dusty Rhodes (your headliner)

We get a fan poll on Undertaker vs. Batista, with Undertaker winning 82%-18%. That’s a heck of a squash.

We recap Undertaker vs. Batista for the Smackdown World Title. Undertaker won the Royal Rumble to earn the shot and Batista is all BRING IT ON as we have the monster fight for the title. This feels like a Wrestlemania World Title match and that’s kind of a hard trick to pull off.

Smackdown World Title: Batista vs. Undertaker

Undertaker is challenging and Teddy Long handles the introductions for a bit of a weird moment. We get the full druid entrance for Undertaker, which will never stop being awesome. Batista spears him down at the bell and it’s time to trade right hands in the corner. It’s actually Batista getting the better of things and the fans are not too thrilled with that. Undertaker pulls him outside for a ram into the apron but Batista is right back for a hard whip into the steps.

Back in and Batista nails a top rope shoulder (dang) for two and a heck of a clothesline cuts Undertaker off again. Undertaker slugs back from his knees and punches Batista into the corner for the running clotheslines. Snake Eyes into the big boot sets up the legdrop for two as we’re back to mostly even. Old School looks to set up the chokeslam but Batista powers out and knocks Undertaker down.

Undertaker doesn’t seem to mind as he sends Batista to the apron for the legdrop. There’s the Taker Dive and they’re both down on the floor. Back up and Batista drives him HARD through the barricade and hammers away as things have cranked up in a hurry. The announcers’ table is loaded up and a running powerslam drives Undertaker through it for the big crash. That’s only good for two back inside so Batista punches away even more.

The Batista Bomb is broken up with a drive into the corner but Batista is right back….with right hands from the middle rope. I guess HHH didn’t teach him that one and it’s the Last Ride for two. The frustrated Undertaker gets caught in a spinebuster but pops back up with a chokeslam for two. Batista slips out of the chokeslam and hits the spear into the Batista Bomb for two as the fans are WAY into these near falls. Undertaker backdrops his way out of another Batista Bomb and sends Batista into the corner. The Tombstone is enough to give Undertaker the pin and the title.

Rating: A-. This felt like a Wrestlemania level title match between two monsters. These two beat the fire out of each other and didn’t bother with anything other than the big power moves. They were trading bombs throughout the whole match and it was a question of who would survive, which made the whole thing world. It helps when Undertaker was motivated by being put in the middle of the card and cranked it up a notch, as both guys felt like they were on another level here.

Bobby Lashley is All Grown Up.

Stephanie McMahon brings her daughter in to meet Vince McMahon and we get the baby carriage cam, with Vince talking trash about Donald Trump. Jokes about a smell, at Trump’s expense, ensue.

ECW Originals vs. New Breed

That would be Sandman/Rob Van Dam/Sabu/Tommy Dreamer vs. Elijah Burke/Marcus Cor Von/Kevin Thorn/Matt Striker, with Ariel in the New Breed’s corner. The Originals come through the crowd for a nice bit of flavor. Sabu starts fast with the springboard elbow and body block to drop Striker. Sandman comes in so Cor Von makes a fast save and stays to beat on Dreamer. A hard elbow drops Dreamer and it’s Burke coming in for the Elijah Express.

The mocking of Dreamer’s pose delays the near fall and it’s Thorn coming in for a chinlock. A spinebuster gives Thorn two with Sabu making a save of his own. Cor Von’s chinlock stays on Dreamer’s back but he lets go to knock Sandman off the apron. A neckbreaker gets Dreamer out of trouble and, after kicking Burke away, it’s a hot tag to bring in Van Dam. House is cleaned, including the monkey flip and Rolling Thunder to Striker. Everything breaks down and Dreamer DDTs Striker as Sandman runs over people on the floor. The Five Star gives Van Dam the pin.

Rating: C-. It wasn’t a good match or really anything close, but what matters here was giving ECW ANYTHING to do on the show. They didn’t need to do anything more than the basics here and Van Dam winning is a perfect way to go. You can all but guarantee that this feud isn’t over, especially with an Extreme Rules rematch out there.

Steve Austin is All Grown Up.

Wrestlemania XXIV is in Orlando.

We recap the Battle of the Billionaires, which is more about asking celebrities who they want to see bald. To keep it simple, Donald Trump and Vince McMahon got in a stupid argument over who is richer/invented YOU’RE FIRED/walks funnier so it’s time for a match between their handpicked representatives with the billionaires’ hair on the line. Throw in Steve Austin as referee and it’s the real Wrestlemania main event.

Bobby Lashley vs. Umaga

Non-title, Donald Trump and Vince McMahon are both here, with Steve Austin as guest referee and Armando Alejandro Estrada in Umaga’s corner. Everything, including the barber’s chair, gets its own entrance (JR: “All we need now is a barbershop quartet.”). They stare at each other before colliding, with Lashley driving him into the corner. Austin pulls Lashley away because Umaga is in the ropes so Lashley goes up for a middle rope clothesline.

Estrada puts Umaga’s foot on the rope so Lashley powerslams Estrada and sends him outside. A low bridge puts Umaga on the floor as well but Lashley misses a charge to send himself flying outside as well. Back in and Umaga gets two off a splash and it’s time to choke on the ropes. Austin doesn’t like that either and breaks it up, just to keep things even. The near explosion lets Lashley elbow Umaga in the face but Umaga runs him over again.

Some sitting down onto Lashley’s chest sets up a Samoan drop and Trump….looks about the same as he has all match. Lashley knocks Vince off the apron but Umaga is right back with a Downward Spiral. A trip up top takes too long as Lashley slams Umaga off the top for a double nine count, though Austin just won’t count the ten. Cue Shane McMahon to help Vince up as Umaga uppercuts Lashley down to cut him off again. Austin goes after Umaga’s eye to break up the choking so Shane offers a distraction, allowing Umaga to Samoan Spike Austin to the floor.

The double beating is on and Shane, after pointing at Trump (who points back), hits the Coast To Coast. Shane has a referee shirt (because of course he does) and Umaga’s top rope splash connects. Austin is back up to pull Shane to the floor and take him out (Trump, sounding calm: “What’s going on over here?”). Umaga drops Austin again but Trump clotheslines Vince (there’s your entertainment show highlight), leaving Austin to Stun Umaga. The spear gives Lashley the pin.

Rating: C. I don’t think anyone was expecting some kind of amazing match here and that’s not what you got. Instead, this was the crazy brawl surrounding the not very great power match. They kept this relatively short too, as there was no need to stretch this out any longer than needed. There was no way Trump was getting his head shaved so just get to the good stuff, which they did.

Post match Austin drags Vince inside for the shaving, but has to beat up Shane first. Vince tries to escape but Lashley chases him down without much trouble and drags him back to the ring. Back in and Vince bumps into Austin (as identified with a rub of the bald head), meaning it’s a Stunner to get Vince in the chair. The shaving is on (with Austin holding Vince for old times sake), even as Vince screams to not do this to him. JR: “It was Mr. McMahon’s real hair all along!”

They even whip out the shaving cream and razors to REALLY shave it off. JR: “Wrestlemania XXIII may be all grown up, but Mr. McMahon’s hair is all shaved off.” Vince looks eerily calm but then loses it all over again when Lashley holds up the mirror. As usual, Vince will do anything asked of him to make a moment like this. Beer is consumed and Austin Stuns Trump (the worst of all time, but he tried) to wrap it up.

John Cena is All Grown Up.

We look at the pre-show match as the ring is cleared out.

Commentary recaps the night so far.

Women’s Title: Melina vs. Ashley

Melina is defending and it’s a lumberjill match, with all of the lumberjills being named during the group entrance. Melina starts fast with the boot choke in the corner as JBL says the women look good enough to even impress Cole. Ashley gets knocked into a short giant swing and it’s off to a double arm crank with Melina’s boots in Ashley’s back. The comeback is on with Ashley whipping her into the corner and grabbing a monkey flip. Starstruck (middle rope elbow) misses though and Melina grabs a bridging cradle to retain.

Rating: D. Did you expect anything else? Ashley isn’t a wrestler and Melina isn’t good enough to carry her to anything great. They were very smart to keep this short as there was no way they could do anything long term here. Ashley did as much as she could, but this was nothing more than a way to promote her Playboy, as is the tradition for this spot.

Post match the big brawl is on and the good ones clean house in a hurry.

Shawn Michaels is All Grown Up.

John Cena beats Shawn Michaels in another fan poll 59%-41%.

We recap John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels for the Raw World Title. Michaels won a triple threat match to earn the spot and has since decided that he wanted to protect Cena until Wrestlemania. They wound up winning the Tag Team Titles but Shawn finally superkicked Cena, as is his nature, on the final Raw before Wrestlemania. Cena winning seems likely, but it’s Shawn Michaels at Wrestlemania, and that is always going to give him a shot.

Raw World Title: John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels

Michaels is challenging and comes out to the DX theme, which still doesn’t feel quite right. You would think his already iconic theme song would work, though he’s pretty famous for this song too. Cena’s big Wrestlemania entrance this year involves driving a Ford Mustang into the arena, right through a glass wall. They happen to be Tag Team Champions as well but it doesn’t mean as much here.

Shawn sits on the top turnbuckle as we’re ready to go. After hopping down, Shawn tells Cena to bring it and finally slaps him in the face to pick up the pace in a hurry. Cena gets knocked down into the corner and that means a crotch chop from Shawn. A backflip gets Shawn out of a belly to back suplex and Cena is frustrated early on. Shawn headlock takeovers him down and then does it again for a bonus. Back up and Cena cuts him down with a clothesline as the fans are firmly behind Shawn here.

Shawn enziguris him to the floor, setting up the springboard moonsault onto Cena onto the announcers’ table for the really nasty crash. Back in and Shawn goes for the leg, including stomping it down and wrapping it around the post. More stomping has the referee asking if Cena can continue and Shawn bends the knee around the rope. Shawn chops away so Cena punches him in the face for a simple yet effective counter.

A missed charge sends Shawn hard into the post and he’s busted open (thanks to one of those lightning quick blade jobs). Cena starts the comeback, including the ProtoBomb and Shuffle, but Shawn slips out of the FU. A quick Sweet Chin Music hits the referee by mistake (it seems early for that) and the FU is countered into a DDT to put them both down. With no referee, Shawn takes Cena outside for a piledriver onto the steps. Cena is busted as well as Shawn pulls him back inside, where a second referee comes in for the near fall.

The forearm sets up the top rope elbow but Sweet Chin Music is cut off with a hard clothesline. They’re both down again (as you might have guessed) for a bit before it’s time for the big slugout. The FU is countered into a sunset flip to give Shawn two but the next attempt connects. Cena can’t cover at first so it’s a very delayed near fall. Shawn breaks up the super FU and tries the superkick but has to counter the STFU (over and over) before getting two off a small package.

Cena is back with the STFU but Shawn realizes he is about a foot away from the rope and they’re out again. Back up and Shawn hits a quick Sweet Chin Music for a delayed near fall of his own. They pull themselves up and Cena snaps him right back into the STFU to make Shawn tap and retain the title.

Rating: A-. This felt like a Wrestlemania main event and that shouldn’t surprise anyone. They went with the epic match here and by the end, it felt like either of them could pull this off. It made everything feel that much better and it felt like an incredible main event. Again, I’m not sure how much drama there was over who was going to win here, but they still had an outstanding match with Shawn making Cena look like a killer and Cena hanging with Shawn well enough to feel like the biggest star in the company when he retained the title.

Shawn walks away post match, but Cena offer the salute.

The Ladies And Gentlemen highlight package wraps us up.

Overall Rating: B. The big matches delivered and the bad stuff was mostly short. While it isn’t quite a classic, this is firmly in the higher tier of Wrestlemanias. What mattered here was the feeling, as you had a pair of great World Title matches, Money in the Bank delivering, and the big song and dance match with the Battle of the Billionaires. The rest of the show was watchable at worst and as a result, it felt like a Wrestlemania. That’s more than you could say about last year’s edition so they are trending in the right direction.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and head over to my Amazon author page with 30 different cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

AND

Remember to check out Wrestlingrumors.net for all of your wrestling headline needs.

Monday Night Raw
Date: October 8, 2007
Location: Van Andel Arena, Cedar Rapids, Iowa
Attendance: 6,000
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

We’re done with No Mercy and Randy Orton is the new WWE Champion, having been awarded, losing and regaining the title in quite the rollercoaster of a night. Orton is going to need a new challenger now and that means we might be in for something interesting this week. Let’s get to it.

Here is No Mercy if you need a recap.

Here is Vince McMahon to get things going. He brags about living up to his word last night, when he guaranteed a new WWE Champion and a WWE Championship match. Well we had three WWE Championship matches and history was made. We get a package on the HHH vs. Randy Orton title matches (Umaga is omitted, which makes sense for Vince) before Vince guarantees that history be made again tonight. Every wrestler is going to come out here and shake Orton’s hand to wish him well. The next title defense will take place at Cyber Sunday, with Vince explaining the concept.

Cue HHH to interrupt and to tell Vince to shut up. These fans don’t care about Cyber Sunday because they care about tonight. That’s why HHH is invoking his rematch clause and he wants Orton this week. Vince advises him against it but says sure he can have his rematch….but we’ll throw in Umaga as Orton’s partner in a handicap match.

Beth Phoenix/Melina/Jillian Hall vs. Mickie James/Candice Michelle/Maria

Maria takes Melina into the corner so Mickie can start working on the arm. A missed charge in the corner lets Melina get in a shot of her own though and it’s Beth coming in to throw Mickie around. Melina comes back in for a chinlock before handing it off to Jillian. Mickie kicks both of them away and the hot tag brings in Candice to clean house. Everything breaks down and Candice reverses a handspring elbow into a victory roll to finish Jillian.

Rating: C-. This was a way to rebuild Candice after her loss last night but it is pretty clear that her time as a serious title contender is over. Phoenix is a new breed of champion and she is going to need a more serious challenger. Out of the people here, that would pretty much just be Mickie, but for now it seems like we have to get Candice’s rematch out of the way.

William Regal has brought in some new stuff to spruce up Coach’s office, but Coach says that Elton John and George Michael are “queens” just like Elizabeth. Regal’s eyes are bugging out of his head but Vince McMahon comes in to say it’s ok. The two of them are supposed to keep an eye on Hornswoggle but they’re not sure where he is.

Video on last week’s Cyber Sunday.

Santino Marella vs. Val Venis

Fallout from Venis mocking Santino last week. Hold on though as Santino drops to the floor and says he can’t wrestle, but he has a replacement.

Snitsky vs. Val Venis

Snitsky goes straight to Venis’ bad knee and kicks at it in the corner before dropping a knee on the knee. A clothesline sets up the pumphandle powerslam to finish Venis fast.

Evander Holyfield is fighting on Saturday so here’s what he did on Saturday Night’s Main Event a few months back.

SAVE US!

John Cena joins us via satellite from Florida and says that he will be out of action 7-12 months. Lawler suggests Cena is glad he didn’t have to fight Randy Orton last night so Cena makes a Cleveland Indians joke, because he’s that horrible of a person. Cena is looking forward to seeing Orton have to shake everyone’s hands tonight and he’ll be back soon.

Randy Orton/Umaga vs. HHH

Non-title, though I thought this was HHH’s official rematch. The villains don’t have to tag here but HHH manages to send Umaga outside. A DDT plants Orton but Umaga gets him outside and starts hammering away. Back in and the double stomping is on as HHH’s banged up ribs get banged up even more. A dropkick puts HHH down and Umaga gets to stay on the ribs. HHH fights up and tries a fast Pedigree on Orton but has to send Umaga into the post. The spinebuster drops Orton but Umaga comes back in with a chair for the DQ.

Rating: C. They were working while it lasted but it didn’t last long. HHH gets screwed over and likely gets to continue his feud with Umaga, which does make sense as HHH was a last minute replacement opponent for Orton. It’s not like they have any current issues so let HHH destroy Umaga again in some kind of a brawl at Cyber Sunday while Orton fights….someone.

Post match Orton hits the RKO on HHH and Umaga crushes him even more, including the Samoan Spike. Referees have to help get HHH out but he shoves them away….and falls down.

Post break and HHH is still being helped out. That’s a pretty big injury angle.

In the back, Vince McMahon tells HHH that he has to be first to shake Randy Orton’s hand.

Highlanders vs. Paul London/Brian Kendrick

The highlanders are sent outside to start and taken down by a double dive as JR says London and Kendrick were Smackdown Tag Team Champions for well over a year. Well over, not quite over, same thing. Back in and London has to fight out of a chinlock, allowing the hot tag to Kendrick so house can be cleaned. Rory makes a save so London takes him to the floor, leaving Robbie to avoid a charge in the corner. A rollup with feet on the ropes gives Robbie the fast pin as the heel turn is on. Not likely to go anywhere, but it’s on.

The Diva Search girls had some rapid fire questions. Next week: search and rescue.

Coach can’t find Hornswoggle.

Lilian Garcia sings the title track from her Quiero Vivir album. After the song, Santino Marella comes in, praises “Jillian’s” song, and proceeds to sing his own song about how Steve Austin can’t act. Apparently this is set to Amy Winehouse’s Rehab.

Mr. Kennedy vs. Jeff Hardy

Non-title. Kennedy works on a headlock to start but Hardy runs him over with a shoulder. A flipping legdrop misses though and Kennedy gets two off a northern lights suplex. Jeff knocks him to the floor though and there’s a ram into the apron to make it worse. A missed dive only hits barricade though and we take a break.

Back with Kennedy working on a half crab but Hardy fights out and goes up top. Kennedy breaks that up with a dropkick and we’re right back to the half crab. With that broken up, Hardy kicks off a Figure Four attempt so Kennedy chop blocks him back down. The knee is fine enough to hit the running sleeper drop but Kennedy’s rollup, with feet on the ropes, gets two. Hardy is back with the sitout gordbuster but the Swanton misses. Kennedy goes for a lazy cover, which is countered into a crucifix to give Hardy the pin.

Rating: C+. This was the best and longest match on the show, which shouldn’t be a surprise given that the talent was there too. I’m not sure I get why Hardy is pinning Kennedy if he is going to be the next challenger, but I’ll take some slightly sketchy logic over the champion losing. Or maybe they go in a different direction than Kennedy as the challenger, which may be the case for Cyber Sunday.

Vince McMahon tells William Regal to have everyone at ringside, including Hornswoggle. Regal says Hornswoggle is having a nap but Coach comes in to say he can’t find Hornswoggle anywhere. Then Hornswoggle pops up out of a trunk, seemingly having just woken up. Regal and Vince leave so Hornswoggle beats up Coach.

The roster is on the stage, with Vince McMahon in the ring to tell them all to show respect to Randy Orton. Cue Orton to stand on a platform in the ring, where he says no one deserves to be champion more than him. He is perfect at everything he does and he sees a lot of jealous faces on the stage. This dynasty has only just begun and he will be WWE Champion for a long time to come.

Now HHH needs to get down here and say “good luck champ”….but there is no HHH. Vince demand that HHH come out here right now but instead, Orton is sent to go get him. Orton goes to get him….and it’s Shawn Michaels, looking far more grizzled than before (the cowboy hat looks thinner). The fight is on, with Shawn taking Orton down and then hitting Sweet Chin Music. Shawn is rather fired up and glares at Vince to end the show.

Overall Rating: C. Shawn’s return at the end was good and gives them a fresh main event that can get Orton over harder as the new champion. Other than that though, it seems that they are still trying to figure out what to do with Cena gone, which is going to take some time. The wrestling wasn’t very good for the most part and I’m not sure how well the angles are going to go with Cyber Sunday being such a wild card. Not the most thrilling show here, though it’s good to have Shawn back.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and head over to my Amazon author page with 30 different cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

AND

Remember to check out Wrestlingrumors.net for all of your wrestling headline needs.

No Mercy 2007
Date: October 7, 2007
Location: Allstate Arena, Chicago, Illinois
Attendance: 12,500
Commentators: Jim Ross, Joey Styles, Jerry Lawler, Tazz, John Bradshaw Layfield, Michael Cole

It’s time for a special show as John Cena is no longer the WWE Champion due to suffering an injury on Raw. Therefore we are guaranteed a new champion, though it is not clear how the title will be decided. Other than that, the Smackdown side features Batista defending the World Title against Great Khali in a Punjabi Prison match. Let’s get to it.

The opening video talks about the story of Noah, including sending out a dove, which led to Noah and his family being shown mercy. That won’t be the case tonight, as we will have a new WWE Champion.

Here are Vince McMahon and William Regal with the WWE Title underneath a covering in the ring. McMahon recaps John Cena’s injury (the fans don’t seem crushed) and promises that we will see a WWE Title match right here tonight. Vince talks about giving the fans the power and what they want, which leads to a big Y2J chant. Vince: “I’m not going to give you that!” Instead, he gives us the new WWE Champion: Randy Orton!

We get a long celebration from Orton, who still has to defend the title tonight. Regal even lets him pick his own opponent (Fans: “Y2J!”), so Orton makes it clear that he will NOT be facing Cena tonight (the fans approve). Orton talks about all the people he has put on the shelf and says there is no one that comes close to him.

Cue HHH in his gear and the fans approve of this one. HHH issues the challenge but Orton says no, with HHH thinking that’s a good idea. Orton wouldn’t want his second World Title reign to be shorter than his first. The fans seem to want HHH to get the show, so he goads Vince about it a bit and asks if Orton is scared. HHH accuses Vince of being scared and having no guts, or perhaps even any grapefruits. That’s finally enough to get the match so let’s do it right now.

Raw World Title: Randy Orton vs. HHH

Orton is defending and a Vince distraction lets him jump HHH at the bell. An elbow to the face sends Orton outside but HHH isn’t going to let him walk out. Back in and Orton gets to stomp away but HHH nails the running knee. Orton’s backbreaker gives him his own two and it’s time to hammer away on the mat as this is pretty basic offense so far.

The powerslam gives Orton two and we hit the chinlock. HHH fights up again and hits a heck of a running clothesline, followed by an even bigger superplex for two. The spinebuster gets two more and HHH throws him outside, only to get caught with the hanging DDT on the way back in.

The RKO is countered but so is the Pedigree, leaving them both needing a breather. Orton misses the knee drop so HHH grabs a Figure Four, sending Orton straight to the ropes. Back up and Orton sends him to the floor so HHH comes in off the top, only to get pulled back down. Orton misses a charge into the post though and HHH grabs a rollup to give him the pin and the title.

Rating: B-. Yeah it’s hot shotting the title change but this is a bit of a special circumstance. HHH winning the title is a nice feel good moment as he is the undisputed top good guy on the roster right now. Let the fans have their nice moment to get them over Cena, even if it means that Orton had the title for about twenty minutes. Good match too, as evil Orton vs. heroic HHH hadn’t been done very often at this point.

HHH celebrates for a pretty long time.

Orton runs into Vince McMahon backstage and the boss walks away without saying a word.

Jeff Hardy/Paul London/Brian Kendrick vs. Lance Cade/Trevor Murdoch/Mr. Kennedy

Bonus match, with Cade and Murdoch introducing Kennedy as their surprise partner. Cade and Kendrick start things off with Kendrick hitting a running crossbody. London comes in with a sunset flip for two and it’s off to Murdoch, who gets headlocked over almost immediately. Jeff uses London as Matt in Poetry in Motion but the sitout jawbreaker is shrugged off.

That lets Kennedy come in to stomp away but Jeff shrugs it off and hands it back to Kendrick. Cade gets forearmed and dropkicked, only to have Murdoch low bridge Kendrick to the floor. Murdoch gets dropped onto Kendrick for a legdrop and some knee drops make it worse. That lets Kennedy choke away in the corner and the cravate goes on. With that not getting him very far, it’s back to Cade, whose superplex attempt is cut off.

Instead, Kendrick comes back with a flying DDT and a VERY diving tag brings in Jeff to start cleaning house. The sitout gordbuster is dropped and Murdoch lands on his face but Hardy goes up for the Swanton anyway. Cade makes the save as everything breaks down, leaving Kennedy to hit the Green Bay Plunge to finish London.

Rating: C+. I can always go for the idea of throwing six people into one match and letting them do their thing like this. You can probably pencil in Kennedy as Hardy’s next Intercontinental Title challenger and that is the kind of place that would suit him well. Cade/Murdoch vs. London/Kendrick is a pairing that always works well enough so this was a fine use of pay per view time, especially for something unadvertised.

HHH and Batista admire their titles but HHH bumps into Vince McMahon. Vince doesn’t like to let his fans down, so HHH vs. Umaga is still on and the title is on the line.

ECW World Title: Big Daddy V vs. CM Punk

V, with Matt Striker, is challenging after winning a #1 contenders match against Tommy Dreamer, who was already the #1 contender. An early lockup goes badly for Punk as V shoves him outside. Back in and V mounts him for some shots to the face but Punk is back up with some kicks and forearms. V misses a charge into the corner though and Punk hits a missile dropkick, only to have Striker come in for the fast DQ.

Post match V destroys Punk with a Samoan drop and a bunch of elbow drops. V leaves and Punk has to be helped out of the ring as this will continue.

Long recap of MVP and Matt Hardy’s various sports contests over the last ten (egads) weeks.

And now, a pizza eating contest, as hosted by Taz and scored by Maria and Melina. After some long entrances, MVP complains about eating this many calories, like so many people from Chicago clearly are. Maria says she’s from Chicago, so is she fat? MVP says deep dish pizza doesn’t help your IQ, so he and Matt get into it over all of these competitions again. They finally sit down and have two minutes to eat the most slices, with the women keeping score. After two minutes, Matt somehow wins 2-0 and then vomits on MVP. This was longer than any match on the show so far.

We recap HHH vs. Umaga, which stems from HHH mocking Vince McMahon for being Hornswoggle’s father. Vince brought Umaga back and sent him after HHH, setting up this match. Thanks to HHH winning the title earlier tonight, it is now a title match.

Raw World Title: HHH vs. Umaga

HHH is defending and they go right to the slugout to start. A DDT has no effect on Umaga so HHH low bridges him out to the floor. HHH’s ram into the steps has no effect so HHH gets sent into them for some more impact. Back in and Umaga hits a superkick before sitting down on his chest. The middle rope headbutt misses though and HHH is back with the facebuster, again to no avail. The Samoan Spike is countered into a Pedigree attempt, which is countered as well.

HHH pops back up with a spinebuster but another Pedigree attempt is countered into the Samoan drop. They head outside with HHH being sent ribs first into the apron, followed by the bearhug inside. Even wild Samoans have psychology. Umaga’s swinging Rock Bottom gets two more and Umaga stays on the ribs. The running hip attack misses though and so does a charge into the post. That’s enough to set up the Pedigree to retain HHH’s title.

Rating: C+. This felt like the match before intermission at a house show as they ran through it rather quickly, which is understandable as it’s HHH’s second match of the night. Umaga wasn’t going to win the title and they weren’t going to give him a big win so soon after he was back from a major suspension, but he is fine as a dragon for HHH to slay.

SAVE US video.

We look at the Punjabi Prison.

Great Khali is meditating and Runjin Singh talks about the evil that Khali is channeling for this match.

Rey Mysterio vs. Finlay

Finlay isn’t having this wristlock stuff to start and uppercuts Rey up against the ropes. A crossbody gets Rey out of trouble though and he hammers away in the corner to stagger Finlay for a change. Rey sends him outside but the baseball slid gets him caught in the ring skirt so the beating can be on again. Back in and Rey gets sent into the post, setting up the Fujiwara armbar.

A very hard clothesline takes Rey down again and Finlay grabs a hammerlock. Rey gets back up and sends him into the corner for the break, followed by another crossbody for another two. The springboard seated senton into a basement dropkick gets two but the 619 is cut off with another clothesline.

With the usual stuff not working, Finlay pulls off the turnbuckle pad. That’s a bit too obvious so Finlay grabs the Shillelagh, only to get hurricanranaed into the ropes. Finlay ducks the 619 (that’s a smart one) but Rey hits a top rope Fameasser instead, knocking Finlay off the apron straight onto the floor with a loud THUD. That looked horrible and the sound was even worse. It’s so bad that Finlay is out cold and the match is stopped as he is taken out on a stretcher.

Rating: C. There is always room for someone like Finlay against a fan favorite like Rey, though that ending is a rough thing to see. It’s always weird to rate a match that ends without a winner like this, but it was about what you would expect from these two. I could go with another from them when they get the chance to wrap it up properly.

Post match Finlay jumps off the stretcher and destroys Rey. That one got me so nicely done.

HHH is in the trainer’s room getting his ribs treated when Vince McMahon comes in. Vince guaranteed a new WWE Champion tonight and that is what we had. He guaranteed a WWE Title match and we did. The thing is, he also guaranteed a Last Man Standing match….so that is what HHH is getting, because Randy Orton has requested his automatic rematch. Vince: “If you can stand at all, champ.”

Women’s Title: Beth Phoenix vs. Candice Michelle

Michelle is defending and gets powered straight into the corner to start. A rollup out of the corner gives Michelle two but Beth hits the running shoulder to the ribs to cut her off. Michelle dropkicks her way out of trouble and grabs a short armscissors of all things. That’s broken up as well and Michelle dives into a World’s Strongest Slam for two.

The cobra clutch of all things goes on but Michelle does her best Bret Hart and climbs the corner for the backflip for two, with Beth not letting go as she kicks out. Candice drives her into the corner for the break and there’s a spinwheel kick. A high crossbody gives Candice two more and so does a sunset flip out of the corner. Beth has had it and hits a backbreaker into the fisherman’s DDT for the pin and the title.

Rating: C-. This was one of the flatter pay per view matches I can remember in a while as it just came and went. Candice losing the title is the right call, as there comes a point where her surviving against a monster like Phoenix is too much to accept. Phoenix is a different breed and should be a big thing in the division for a long time to come.

Post match Beth says this is the ushering in of the era of the Glamazon.

The Punjabi Prison is lowered.

We recap Batista vs. Great Khali for the Smackdown World Title. Batista won the title from Khali at Unforgiven in a triple threat and now it is time for the big showdown rematch. It’s basically “can Batista slay the monster” with some bells and whistles.

Smackdown World Title: Batista vs. Great Khali

Batista is defending inside the Punjabi Prison. There is a bamboo cage around the ring and then a much bigger one outside the ring. The inner cage has four doors that you have to call to be opened, which will have it opened for sixty seconds. After that, it stays closed permanently. You have to get out of the inner cage and then get over the bigger one to win. In other words, it’s more complicated than it needs to be and kind of hard to see through the big bars too, which is why it was only used a few times ever.

Khali goes after him with the chops to start but Batista knocks him back in the ropes to tie up the giant’s arms. JBL points out that Batista should be calling for a door but instead he charges into a boot like a moron as Khali gets his arms out. The big chop knocks Batista silly so Khali has a door opened. Batista makes the save though and the first door is officially closed for the rest of the match.

Some elbows in the corner have Batista in trouble but he comes back with a spear. The second door is open but Khali cuts him off this time and chokes against the cage until the door is officially closed. Khali pulls a strap off the cage and whips Batista down before calling for the third door to be opened. Batista cuts him off with a spinebuster though and crawls for the door, only to have Khali pull him back, meaning the door is officially closed.

That doesn’t work for Batista, who uses the same strap to beat on Khali but gets knocked down again with a single shot. The vice grip goes on so Khali calls for the last door to be open. Batista is back with a low blow to drop Khali, who is up in time to slam the door onto Batista’s back. The fourth door is officially closed so they have to go over the top to get out of the first cage.

Batista starts to go up but Khali pulls him back down for a crash. Khali manages to climb over the top of the first cage (that is some strong bamboo, mainly because it is supported by steel, because steel supported bamboo is a thing) to the floor. Batista is climbing up the inner structure and gets to the top as Khali gets to the top of the outer structure. In a pretty impressive move, Batista jumps from the inner cage to the outer and then beats Khali over the top and to the floor to retain.

Rating: D+. This could have been worse, but the problem is pretty obvious: this whole concept is so big and more complicated than it needs to be that it isn’t even fun. Also, I’m not sure how much of a signature match it can be for Khali when he hasn’t actually been in one of them before this. The ending was cool though as it felt like something out of the end of a movie and showed Batista was smart, which he has been before. Not a good match, but a clever ending.

Long recap of the WWE Title situation.

HHH is ready to fight one more time.

Raw World Title: HHH vs. Randy Orton

HHH, with bad ribs, is defending in a Last Man Standing match. They stare at each other to start until Orton gets smart by going after the bad (and untaped) ribs. More shots to the ribs sent HHH outside, where his quick Pedigree attempt is countered with a legsweep to send the ribs into the ramp.

Back in and more shots to the ribs set up a belly to back drop onto the barricade for a six count. A whip into the steps gets six more so they head back inside. HHH manages a much needed facebuster for a breather but Orton’s backbreaker puts him down for eight more. That just has Orton frustrated so he grabs a TV cord and chokes HHH into some nasty spitting.

HHH gets up at nine so the annoyed Orton sends him outside. The ECW announcers’ table (with Joey and Tazz still there after their minute and thirty seven second match earlier) is loaded up and a monitor to the head rocks HHH. The RKO through the table is shoved off though and Orton crashes through the table hard. Orton is up at nine as well so HHH hits a spinebuster on the floor for another nine.

Some steps to the head get another nine count and they roll back inside. Orton manages a DDT onto a chair to stun HHH though and the RKO onto the open chair leave a bloody HHH down. The ropes get HHH back up and he throws in the crotch chop before falling to the mat again. Orton’s Punt is blocked though and HHH makes the fired up comeback by taking Orton outside and sending him into various objects.

Orton cuts him off though and a catapult sends HHH head first into the post for another near fall. The steps are picked up but HHH cuts him off with a low blow. That leaves Orton’s heads in the steps and it’s a chair shot to crush him again. Orton gets up again and the Pedigree is loaded up, only to have him counter into the RKO onto the table for the ten count and the title.

Rating: B. They picked it up in the end but this was a lot of standing around waiting after someone does something big. In other words, it’s a Last Man Standing match but it’s a Last Man Standing match without a reason for these two to hate each other. I do like that they gave us the kind of match they advertised, but it was a weird position to be in after the Cena vs. Orton feud got so personal and HHH was just a last minute substitute.

Overall Rating: B-. This is one of the weirder shows that WWE has ever presented and I’m not really sure what to think of it. The wrestling is mostly good, save for the Punjabi Prison mess, but it felt like a better version of a Russo era Raw with the three title matches in one night. They were in a tough spot here though and they did a pretty good job so well done with this, though it’s a pretty weird one.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and head over to my Amazon author page with 30 different cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

AND

Remember to check out Wrestlingrumors.net for all of your wrestling headline needs.

Monday Night Raw
Date: October 1, 2007
Location: Quicken Loans Arena, Cleveland, Ohio
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

It’s the go home show for No Mercy and the show is mostly together. The big story continues to be John Cena vs. Randy Orton for the WWE Title, but we also seem to have the issues between Vince McMahon and HHH. The latter of those feuds comes to a head tonight as the two of them are facing off. Let’s get to it.

Here are last week’s results if you need a recap.

Opening sequence.

Here is Vince McMahon to get things going, with three not so high level looking wrestlers in the ring with him. Vince hypes up his main event with HHH and promises to win. We see a clip of Vince beating up HHH in various ways before Vince turns his attention to the three guys in the ring. Each one represents a different fighting style, starting with a four time All American amateur wrestler, followed by a fifth degree kempo karate black belt and finally, the Ohio sumo champion (no one seems convinced).

Vince offers to face all of them, only to have someone else do it as a preview for what is going to happen to HHH at No Mercy. Cue the returning Umaga to destroy all three of them, with Vince looking rather pleased. Umaga beats them up even more for a bonus and Vince’s happiness rises.

Jeff Hardy/Brian Kendrick/Paul London vs. Shelton Benjamin/Lance Cade/Trevor Murdoch

London hurricanranas Murdoch down to start and hands it off to Kendrick. That means a gutbuster from Cade to take over, with Murdoch coming back in for a splash. A dropkick gets Kendrick out of trouble though and it’s Hardy coming in to pick up the pace. Everything breaks down and the Whisper in the Wind hits Cade but Hardy gets crotched on top. London hits a very out of nowhere dive and throws Murdoch back inside for Sliced Bread from Kendrick. Hardy drops the Swanton for the pin on Cade.

Rating: C+. It was a short match but they packed a lot into there, which is more than I would have expected. Hardy, London and Kendrick seem like three guys who would work well together as the high flying trio while the other three…well they’re feuding with the good guys so it makes sense to have them here. I’m not sure how much more you can get out of Benjamin vs. Hardy though, as Hardy needs some fresh competition.

Vince McMahon comes in to see William Regal and welcomes him back before praising Regal for making Mr. Kennedy vs. John Cena for tonight’s main event. He also asks Regal for a personal favor: take care of Hornswoggle tonight. Regal reluctantly agrees as Hornswoggle pops up. Vince leaves….and Regal has already lost Hornswoggle.

Randy Orton joins us via satellite and we see him Punting John Cena’s father a few weeks ago and then hitting him with an RKO two weeks ago. Orton promises to leave Cena laying the same way at No Mercy.

Some Cleveland Indians are here. That was a good year for the team so we’ll call that an upgrade.

The Diva Search girls ran an obstacle course on the beach.

William Regal goes looking for Hornswoggle and runs into the Highlanders. They haven’t seen Hornswoggle, but Regal wants to know why they turned down a match with Paul London and Brian Kendrick. Rory explains that it’s because they only want a Tag Team Title shot, which leaves Regal continuing his Hornswoggle search.

Hardcore Holly vs. Cody Rhodes

Rematch from last week when the returning Holly beat Rhodes without much trouble. Rhodes starts fast but gets shouldered down. Back up and Rhodes grabs an armbar but gets dropkicked for two. A small package gives Rhodes two so he tries to jump over Holly in the corner, earning himself an Alabama Slam for the fast pin.

Here is Beth Phoenix for a chat and she would like Lilian Garcia to stay in the ring with her. Beth promises to win the Women’s Title on Sunday and wants Lilian to practice announcing her as the winner tonight. Lilian does, but throws in a caveat about how Phoenix has to actually win on Sunday. Phoenix literally goes for her throat but Candice Michelle runs in for the save.

SAVE_US video, now with some fresh codes, including things such as “Tron image”, “GRAND_SLAM” and “8.2.11/SAVIOR_SELF”, the latter of which is featured several times.

Vince McMahon vs. HHH

Before the match, Vince shows us a clip of HHH attacking Umaga with a chair and the sledgehammer last week to send him into a steroid suspension. HHH comes out but Vince cuts off his entrance pre-corner pose and says let’s go. Hold on though as there is no referee, so here is Carlito to be the guest referee.

Carlito does the weapons check, allowing Vince to slap HHH in the face. The bell rings and Vince immediately hides in the ropes, with Carlito covering him up. Vince bails to the floor so the chase is on, with HHH finally going around the other side to catch Vince on the floor. The Pedigree is broken up with a Backstabber so HHH hits Carlito low, which is enough for the DQ.

Post match HHH stays on Vince but here is Umaga for the fight. HHH hits a DDT, which has the expected results. A superkick sends HHH into the corner and there’s the running hip attack. Umaga stops to yell at Carlito so HHH pulls out the sledgehammer to scare Umaga off.

And now Marella At The Movies, featuring Santino Marella and Maria, though she doesn’t seem thrilled to be here. This week they are going to review The Condemned, which Maria thought was fun. Marella says it was fun if you like having your head bashed in with a mallet. He should have been the star, meaning it’s time for a clip with Santino included.

Cue Val Venis to interrupt (this seems to get Maria’s attention), but Santino doesn’t think much of Venis’ acting. He couldn’t believe what Venis did to that donkey in the Shrek based film. Venis offers Maria a spot in his next movie and the beatdown is on with Venis’ leg getting destroyed. I continue to be astounded that Venis is still employed.

John Cena doesn’t think much of the idea that THEY are saying he is going to lose to Randy Orton. It is time to talk about THEY, who know that Cena is losing and that he has changed and that Todd Grisham has naked pictures of Umaga on his phone. At No Mercy, Orton can hit him with everything from a bell to a microphone to a snow cone to a student loan but Cena will keep getting up every time. You put anyone in front of him and he will always get up and never quit, so let them talk. He’s going to beat Orton so bad that THEY are never going to forget it.

Melina vs. Mickie James

Melina wins a battle over the lockup to start and they go to the mat with Melina kicking away. Mickie fights up and hits some hard forearms but Melina kicks her in the head for two. The screaming reverse DDT is loaded up but Hornswoggle pops up from under the ring for a distraction. The freaked out Melina gets rolled up for the pin.

Post match Hornswoggle chases Melina underneath the ring and comes out with Melina’s clothes. Hornswoggle runs off, leaving Melina screaming. This was bad back then and it doesn’t hold up well here.

Post break, William Regal yells at Hornswoggle over what happened but Steve-O (from Jackass, and starring in a new upcoming USA series), comes in. Steve-O is here to find a wuss (point of his show), and the distraction lets Hornswoggle leave.

No Mercy rundown.

Steve-O comes in to see Ron Simmons, suggesting that he can make Simmons be less of a wuss. Simmons literally throws him out and hits the catchphrase.

John Cena vs. Mr. Kennedy

Non-title. Before the match, Kennedy talks about how he is going to make a statement by beating Cena. Kennedy grabs a headlock to start and then shoulders him down but Cena is back up with a hiptoss. The armbar goes on but Kennedy gets up, only to get driven into the corner. Kennedy fights out of the corner and punches Cena down before taking him outside for a whip into the steps. We take a break and come back with Kennedy grabbing a chinlock to keep Cena in trouble. Cena fights up and grabs a suplex, setting p the STFU for the very fast tap.

Rating: C. The ending was very quick and there is a reason for that. Cena tore his pectoral muscle when he gave Kennedy the hiptoss, making this a one on one match. There is only so much that can be done when you’re wrestling with one arm and while Cena did what he could, the match wasn’t very good as a result. Kennedy carried it as well as he could, even with the very sudden finish.

Post match Randy Orton runs in, apparently guilty of satellite fraud, and lays out Cena. The steps to the face set up an RKO onto the announcers’ table, with Orton counting to ten as Cena is out to end the show.

Overall Rating: C. This show was the big final push towards no Mercy and it only went so well. The biggest problem is that Orton vs. Cena has been set up for several weeks now and there is only so much that they can get out of one more week of building. The HHH vs. Umaga match had to get a last second build and that worked fine, as the match was already set up a month ago. The rest of the show was only ok, though the Cena situation is going to cause some problems.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and head over to my Amazon author page with 30 different cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

AND

Remember to check out Wrestlingrumors.net for all of your wrestling headline needs.

Monday Night Raw
Date: September 24, 2007
Location: Bradley Center, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

We’re on the way to No Mercy and the main event of John Cena defending the WWE Title against Randy Orton in a Last Man Standing match. That alone should be enough to carry the Raw side of the show but there is still time to fill in on the card. Maybe we can fill in some more of that this week, along with more Hornswoggle shenanigans. Let’s get to it.

Here are last week’s results if you need a recap.

Opening sequence.

Coach is in the ring, with security guards around him, and we see a recap of the recant issues between John Cena and Randy Orton. This includes last week, with Orton attacking John Cena’s father to end the show. As a result, Coach has suspended Orton indefinitely, but Coach isn’t going to let Cena take his rage out on everyone else. Coach brings out Vince McMahon, who talks about how everyone needs to show respect.

This includes HHH, who tried to embarrass him last week with a bunch of leprechaun jokes. Tonight, Vince is going to get that revenge as HHH faces Carlito inside a cage. Actually we’ll make it even bigger, as Vince himself will be Carlito’s partner. With that out of the way, Vince invites Hornswoggle to join them in the ring. Vince didn’t mean a bunch of the things he said last week and hopes that Hornswoggle loves him instead of wanting his money. Hornswoggle says he loves Vince and they share a big hug. Things seem to be going well and Vince even has a woman who would like to meet him.

Cue Melina in a green dress to say Hornswoggle (who is looking very nervous) is very cute. She asks “Horny” if he would like to get to know her so Hornswoggle jumps on her. Vince tells them to go have a beer and a good night (Vince: “Always use protection.”). With the two of them gone, Coach asks Vince if he can keep being General Manager when William Regal comes back next week but here is a ticked off John Cena to interrupt. Security comes in so Cena goes after Vince and Coach, with the bosses escaping. Vince says Cena’s title reign is in Coach’s hands.

Hardcore Holly vs. Cody Rhodes

This is Holly’s return after several months away. Before the match, Holly says Cody sounds like he belongs in a boy band instead of in a ring. Holly knocks him down without much trouble to start but Cody says hit him in the face. A sunset flip gives Cody two but Holly chops him in the corner. Cody snaps off a Russian legsweep for two and a dropkick keeps him in trouble. Something off the top rope misses though and the Alabama Slam gives Holly the pin.

Rating: C-. Short and to the point here as Holly beat Rhodes up without much effort, but Rhodes was trying as always. Holly’s return was treated as a big deal and I could see him going a little somewhere in the midcard. Rhodes losing is a bit weird after he had been on a winning streak, but at least it feels like he has a bit more experience now and isn’t just skating on his family history.

Post match, Holly shakes his head down at Rhodes.

We recap the John Cena/Coach situation.

Randy Orton joins us via satellite and calls Cena a phony. Cena knew he was in trouble at Unforgiven so he got himself disqualified. Maybe Cena’s dad just lives off of Cena, but Orton is a professional wrestler. Last week Orton took out Cena’s dad and now he’s going to be ready to take the title from Cena in the Last Man Standing match at No Mercy.

Santino Marella vs. Ron Simmons

Maria is here with Santino and we get the first mention of Teddy Long’s apparent heart attack on Smackdown. No update or anything, but it was mentioned. Simmons hammers him in the face to start so Santino bails out to the floor. The chase lets Santino catch him on the way back in and stomp away, setting up a reverse chinlock. Simmons fights up but the threat of a powerslam sends Marella bailing to the floor again, this time for the countout.

Rating: D. This was about what you would expect as neither of them was exactly on fire here. Simmons was long retired at this point and did little more than punch in between Marella’s running away. That’s about what the match should have been, and it would have been hard to accept the idea of Santino beating Simmons, even at this age.

Post match, Simmons hits the catchphrase.

The Diva Search girls had a limbo contest. Next week: the obstacle course.

Jillian Hall comes up to Melina in the back and asks where Hornswoggle is. Melina seems ok with going on a date with him before revealing that she’s only doing this for a shot at the Women’s Title. She’s off to take a shower.

The Highlanders ask Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch for a Tag Team Title shot with any stipulation the champs want. Then they pull up their kilts, much to the champions’ disgust.

The cage is lowered.

Carlito/Vince McMahon vs. HHH

Inside a cage. HHH punches Carlito down and pulls Vince off the cage wall. More right hands drop Carlito again and Vince gets pulled back through the door as well. HHH crotches Vince on top so Carlito hits HHH low and sends him into the cage. We take a break and come back with HHH throwing Carlito at Vince to drive him into the cage. Carlito has to save Vince from a Pedigree with a Backstabber so Vince goes up. HHH cuts off Carlito but Vince is able to escape for the win.

Rating: D+. They didn’t exactly burn the house down here as this was much more about giving us something to keep Vince vs. HHH going. Vince was added to the match out of nowhere, though that might be due to WWE realizing that Carlito vs. HHH isn’t exactly interesting. The match was nothing to see, though they didn’t stay on it for very long.

Post match Vince leaves but Carlito is left alone with HHH. Some rams into the cage set up a spinebuster and the Pedigree onto the chair leaves Carlito laying.

Lance Cade/Trevor Murdoch vs. Paul London/Brian Kendrick

Non-title, joined in progress and with the Highlanders at ringside. Cade hits a backbreaker on London so Murdoch can come in with an ax handle. The abdominal stretch doesn’t last long as London gets over to Kendrick. House is cleaned and a quick Sliced Bread….draws in the Highlanders to jump Kendrick for the DQ.

Post match the big beatdown is on as London and Kendrick are left laying.

Hornswoggle spies on Melina in the shower, then chases her around backstage and steals her towel. This freaks Melina out, but she didn’t seem to mind showering in front of a camera.

Ad for the Condemned, complete with Santino Marella saying he isn’t impressed with Steve Austin’s acting.

HHH comes up to Vince McMahon in the back and challenges him to a one on one match. Vince: “You’re on.” HHH: “And you’re screwed.”

Jeff Hardy/Candice Michelle vs. Beth Phoenix/Shelton Benjamin

Milwaukee is the hometown girl. Benjamin takes Hardy into the corner to start but some shots to the face stagger Benjamin for a change. A mule kick sends Benjamin outside and Candice takes out Beth, leaving Hardy to hit a big dive to the floor. We take a break and come back with Beth working on a seated full nelson but Candice fights up (to a heck of a reaction).

The hot tag brings in Hardy for a Whisper in the Wind (with Lawler having to correct JR on the name). Benjamin powerbombs him down though and we hit a chinlock with a knee in Hardy’s back. A backbreaker gives Benjamin two but Hardy is back up with a crossbody. It’s back to the women, with a jawbreaker sending Beth into the corner. Candice plays Jeff in Poetry in Motion but Beth is back up with the fisherman’s buster for the pin.

Rating: C-. Well so much for the crowd being happy. It should set up a title rematch between Candice and Beth, which almost has to wrap up Candice’s title reign once and for all. The match was short enough and to the point, though Hardy and Benjamin were little more than extra players for the women’s stuff.

Coach has a press conference, suggesting that John Cena is about to be stripped of the title. Also, Randy Orton has been suspended for twenty four hours, because anyone could do what Orton did to Cena’s dad.

And now, for something new: a blue Matrix style video, with the words SAVE_US.222 popping up. Commentary doesn’t reference it, as I’m sure this won’t mean anything.

Coach is in the ring with security around him and a bunch of photographers on the floor. He orders Cena out here and after a bit, here is Cena, wearing the title for a change. Coach brings up Cena’s dad getting beaten up last week and now he wants Cena to BEG to keep his title. Cena’s shirt comes off and Coach’s jacket does too, with Coach issuing threats from the security. Hold on though as the bell rings and Lilian Garcia has a ruling from Mr. McMahon: Cena is still champion and will get to face Coach in a tables match RIGHT NOW!

John Cena vs. Jonathan Coachman

Non-title and Cena punches him down, grabs the STFU, and hits the FU through a table for the fast win.

Post match Hornswoggle comes out on the stage. Cena: “Thank you Mr. McMahon.” Ok that was clever.

Overall Rating: D+. I wasn’t feeling this one as other than a few nice moments, there was nothing to cheer. Hornsowggle’s bit at the end was good, but it’s the same one who spied on Melina in the shower and then chased her around the arena. Other than that, there was some lame wrestling and little more than another week of filler on the way to another Orton vs. Cena title match. Not a good show, but maybe the returning stars will help them next week.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and head over to my Amazon author page with 30 different cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

AND

Remember to check out Wrestlingrumors.net for all of your wrestling headline needs.

Monday Night Raw
Date: September 17, 2007
Location: Sommet Center, Nashville, Tennessee
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

We’re done with the waste of time that was Unforgiven and now it is time to start getting ready for No Mercy. Last night’s show was so important that they have already announced the main event for next month’s pay per view. John Cena got disqualified against Randy Orton, so it’s time for a Last Man Standing match for Cena’s title. Let’s get to it.

Here are last week’s results if you need a recap.

We open with a recap of John Cena vs. Randy Orton, with Cena snapping over Orton attacking Cena’s father.

Here is John Cena to get things going. Cena knows he hasn’t been himself lately and he wants to say he is sorry. Tonight he is better though and he feels FABULOUS. It feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders because he lost to Randy Orton! Last night his dad had the guts to show up and make him the proudest son in the world. Orton is stupid enough to think this is over and want a rematch. Then there is Coach, who made it even worse for Orton by giving him a Last Man Standing match at No Mercy.

That means no rules, no pinfalls and no disqualifications, so what he did last night is perfectly legal. At No Mercy, he is going through Orton like a hot knife through butter….but here is Coach to interrupt. Coach says that Cena should be glad he still has a job after last night, so tonight it’s payback time. Tonight it’s Orton vs. Cena, which works rather well for the champ. Hold on though, because Coach didn’t mean this Cena, but rather Cena’s dad, who can either have the match or have Cena stripped of the title.

Intercontinental Title: Jeff Hardy vs. Shelton Benjamin

Hardy is defending and gets caught in a northern lights suplex just after the bell. An atomic drop sets up the legdrop between the legs to put Benjamin down though and Hardy takes over. There’s an armdrag into an armbar and they fight over a top wristlock. A backdrop puts Benjamin on the apron and there’s a kick to the chest to put him outside. Hardy hits the required dive to take Benjamin down again and we take a break.

Back with Benjamin working on a neck crank (with the replay showing Hardy missing the Whisper in the Wind and getting kicked in the head) before pounding away in the corner. A neckbreaker gives Benjamin two and we hit the chinlock. That’s broken up as well and it’s a double clothesline for a double knockdown. Now the Whisper in the Wind can work but Benjamin grabs a backbreaker for two more. A reverse DDT gets the same so Benjamin puts him on top, only to get shoved down. The Swanton retains Jeff’s title.

Rating: C+. You knew these two were going to be able to have a good match with each other due to pure talent and it was a completely fine TV title defense for Hardy. It’s a way to get Hardy back on track after he got squashed by Khali last week so this was about as fine of a way as he had to be back to normal again.

The Diva Search finalists play beach volleyball. I think you get the idea here. In case you didn’t, there is a limbo competition on WWE.com.

Coach joins an annoyed Vince McMahon in his limo to try and calm him down. Vince is annoyed about Hornswoggle….who is in the limo also, eating Lucky Charms and restrained by tape because he’s an infant. How we didn’t hear Hornswoggle until the camera was on him is not clear, but Coach takes him inside (biting ensues).

John Cena tries to talk his dad out of wrestling tonight but Cena’s dad insists on doing it.

Santino knocks on the Divas locker room door, looking for Maria, but finding Jillian Hall instead. Maria wanted to see the Condemned, even though Steve Austin’s performance was worse than Britney Spears at the Video Music Awards. Jillian: “LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!!” Santino wants to impress Maria so Jillian suggests a country duet together (Nashville and all). She starts a little Achy Breaky Heart and Santino agrees to save his ears. Don’t worry either, as he has another idea.

Vince McMahon is still yelling at Coach but they hear Irish music coming from Vince’s office. The office is now filled with green balloons and shamrocks, plus piles of Lucky Charms. Vince: “THIS IS ON YOU!” Hornswoggle pops up so Coach chases him off as a unicorn pops up to scare Vince.

Jim Duggan vs. Daivari

Flag match because reasons. Daivari goes for the flag to start but gets pulled back down. They take turns pulling the others to the mat until Daivari gets crotched on top. Duggan punches him down, then sends him into the post and pulls down the flag for the win.

Cody Rhodes volunteers to take John Cena’s dad’s place against Randy Orton but Coach turns him down. John Cena comes in and threatens Coach, who gives Cena a match tonight. If Cena wins, his dad is off the hook, but if not, the match is still on.

Here is Vince McMahon for a chat. As you might have seen last week, he has indeed fathered a son in Hornswoggle, who comes out doing a jig. Vince kneels down next to Hornswoggle and says that when he dies, Hornswoggle will get a lot of money. Hornswoggle: “Money money!” Vince has some papers with him tonight….because he is putting Hornswoggle up for adoption!

Cue a couple (Ed and Alice Koskey) with their attorney but Hornswoggle hugs Vince. That doesn’t sit well with the boss, so Hornswoggle pulls down Ed’s pants and bites the back of Alice’s dress. The Koskeys run off so Vince gets serious and tells him to get away from him. Vince throws him out and the fans are not happy with him. He insists that anyone here would have done the same thing but here is HHH to interrupt.

HHH takes credit for decorating Vince’s office earlier, which was difficult because it’s hard to find a unicorn around here. He knew Vince had slept with some trolls, but he didn’t know about elves, fairies and hobgoblins. Vince: “I’VE NEVER SLEPT WITH FAIRIES!” HHH: “That’s not what I read on the internet.” HHH thinks the Genetic Jackhammer had too much genetic Jack Daniels and now he’s a genetic jackass.

It isn’t surprising though, because he is short tempered, short sighted and a certain part of him is microscopic. Vince: “Are you finished?” HHH: “That’s the same thing Hornswoggle’s mom asked you the night you slipped her the shillelagh.” Just between them, did they do it on the Yellow Brick Road? Vince is livid, but one more question: was she magically delicious? Vince puts him in a match right now, which I believe had been mentioned earlier.

HHH vs. Lance Cade/Trevor Murdoch

Non-title. Joined in progress with HHH clotheslining them down as Carlito comes out to watch. We settle down to Cade hitting a neckbreaker for two as we’ll be having tags in this one. Murdoch comes in and pounds away in the corner, setting up a Blockbuster for two. Cade grabs the neck crank before switching to a leg lariat for two. HHH fights up without much trouble though, knocks Murdoch off the apron, and finishes Cade with the spinebuster.

Rating: C-. I know it’s HHH, but beating the Tag Team Champions on your own so quickly isn’t exactly the easiest thing to see. It would be nice if there were some other villains who could have taken this spot but that isn’t how the tag team division works. This was about having HHH break a sweat before we get to continue the epic HHH vs. Carlito feud. I’m sure there are twelve people out there who want to see it keep going.

Post match Carlito, Cade and Murdoch stomp HHH down but Paul London and Brian Kendrick make the save. Cade and Murdoch leave so Carlito gets Pedigreed. HHH isn’t sure what to think….and Pedigrees both of them.

Candice Michelle/Mickie James vs. Melina/Jillian Hall

Beth Phoenix is at ringside. Mickie and Melina lock up to start until a neckbreaker takes Melina down. Jillian shoves Mickie off the top though and gets to come in to toss Mickie down by the hair. That’s about it for Mickie being in trouble though and she gets over for the tag off to Candice. House is cleaned and the Candy Wrapper finishes Jillian in short order.

Post match Beth Phoenix comes in to glare at Candice.

The Condemned is on DVD tomorrow.

Vince McMahon is leaving and recaps the night, with Coach saying no one has seen Hornswoggle since Vince yelled at him. With that, Vince gets in his limo to leave, with Hornswoggle popping out of the trunk.

John Cena vs. ???

Non-title and if Cena wins, his dad is out of the match with Randy Orton. The opponent is….Santino Marella, which has Cena wondering if this is serious. So Santino is doing this to impress Maria, but Coach agreed to it? Cena initiates the finishing sequence and hits the Shuffle but Randy Orton runs in to jump Cena for the DQ.

Post match Orton handcuffs him to the ropes. Cue Coach to say that the match is still on, because Cena had to win the match by pinfall. That feels like a quick correction for Orton hitting the wrong person.

Randy Orton vs. Mr. Cena

For reasons I don’t want to fathom, Orton went backstage during the break and does a full entrance here. John Cena is still on the floor and handcuffed to the bottom rope. The bell rings so Orton knocks him down and starts the stomping while looking down at Cena on the floor. The beating continues until Cody Rhodes runs in for the DQ.

Post match Orton sends Rhodes into the steps and RKO’s Mr. Cena. With his dad down, Cena unhooks the turnbuckle to escape and chases Orton off to end the show.

Overall Rating: C. Outside of Vince now having a son and interacting with him, this felt like a show where almost nothing changed. Cena still wants to wreck Orton for what he did to his dad, HHH is still tormenting Vince and….what else is there here? It isn’t a bad show, but it seems like everything is in a holding pattern until everyone gets back from their suspensions. Understandable, but it isn’t making things easy to watch.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and head over to my Amazon author page with 30 different cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

AND

Remember to check out Wrestlingrumors.net for all of your wrestling headline needs.

Monday Night Raw
Date: September 3, 2007
Location: Nationwide Arena, Columbus, Ohio
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

We’re actually taped this week as WWE is on its way to an international tour next week. Unforgiven is coming up later this month and we need a card, but there are going to be a few people missing. Late last week, a group of wrestlers were suspended for thirty days over connections with Signature Pharmacy, which had been linked to performance enhancing drugs.

Here are last week’s results if you need a recap.

As a result, after this week, Charlie Haas, Edge, Gregory Helms, John Morrison, William Regal, Ken Kennedy, Umaga, Sho Funaki, Chris Masters, and Chavo Guerrero Jr. are going to be gone until next month. Booker T. was so adamant that he didn’t do anything that he gave notice and is gone. Eugene is gone as well, after not having a prescription for painkillers. In an unrelated note, Cryme Tyme is gone as well, albeit over issues with Lance Cade/Trevor Murdoch and yelling at a referee. Things could be rather different for the next few weeks so let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of Randy Orton attacking a variety of people, including John Cena’s dad to end last week’s show. In case it wasn’t clear in the first place, of course you know this means war.

Opening sequence.

Intercontinental Title: Jeff Hardy vs. Umaga

Umaga is defending and punches Hardy down to start fast. A kick to the face and a headbutt both drop Hardy again and there’s a chest first whip into the corner. Umaga superkicks him off the apron and we take a break. Back with Umaga grabbing the nerve hold and then nailing a Samoan drop.

The middle rope headbutt misses though and Hardy gets a much needed breather. Hardy forearms away and gets two off a baseball slide dropkick. The Whisper in the Wind gets two but Umaga is back with the swinging Rock Bottom for two of his own. Umaga goes up top but Hardy crotches him down….and gets the very fast pin for the title. Even Hardy is stunned as Umaga kicks him off and out to the floor.

Rating: C. Most of this match was a house show fight until the shock ending. They did a good job of making this feel like a squash until the underdog won off a fluke, giving it almost a Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna Wrestlemania X vibe. Umaga feels like he got caught slipping on a banana peel instead of taking a defeat, which lets him come back as a monster in a month. Hardy getting the title is always a fine way to go though and this was about as logical of a way out as they had.

Post match, Umaga breaks a lot of stuff.

Vince McMahon has a bunch of attorneys with him to deal with his families’ attorneys. Carlito, with a slightly less stupid looking (though still stupid looking) haircut, comes in and gets his singles match with HHH turned into a handicap match with Umaga on his side.

Maria is a bit worried about her match with Beth Phoenix, as set up by Santino Marella. Santino tells her not to worry, because he has something to get off his chest. Oh and he’ll protect her too. Maria doesn’t seem convinced.

William Regal tells a production assistant to send John Cena to him when Cena arrives. Melina pops up and whispers something to Regal about her, ahem, meeting with Vince McMahon. Regal calls her kinky and says she should be ashamed of herself. Stephanie and Linda McMahon show up to glare at Melina. Linda gets in a slap in slow motion and here is Ron Simmons for the catchphrase.

Maria vs. Beth Phoenix

Hold on though as first, Santino Marella says that he is going to beat up Ron Simmons as soon as his arm is better. He also calls the city a disgusting dump, but here is Sandman to interrupt. Santino says Sandman is jealous because Santino gets to make love to Maria, while Sandman only has his stick. Sandman canes him in the head and they go up the ramp, leaving Maria alone. This is completely edited off Peacock for whatever reason. As for the match, Beth throws Maria around with no trouble and finishes with a cradle suplex in less than a minute.

Post match, Beth says she is getting her Women’s Title shot at Unforgiven. Candice Michelle has never seen anything like her before and she beats up Maria again for a preview. Cue Candice for the save.

We see the aftermath of Randy Orton attacking John Cena’s father, including a nasty black eye.

Here is William Regal to recap Randy Orton attacking John Cena’s last week. As a result, Regal has given Orton the night off, but Orton is here via satellite. Orton makes it clear: Cena did this to himself and his father’s blood is on his hands. All Cena had to do was give Orton his rematch for the WWE Title, so does Cena want it now? Want it or not, Regal makes the match for Unforgiven.

Orton hopes Cena’s dad never forgives his son but here is Cena to no music. Cena comes to the ring and promptly beats the daylights out of Regal, including knocking him over the announcers’ table and putting him in the STFU. Referees finally make a late save but Regal is done.

Paul London/Brian Kendrick vs. World’s Greatest Tag Team

The winners get a Tag Team Title shot against Lance Cade/Trevor Murdoch, on commentary, at Unforgiven. Kendrick and Haas start things off with Kendrick being in trouble on the technical side. A wristlock works a bit better and it’s London coming in to stay on Haas’ arm. Benjamin comes in for a gorilla press gutbuster to take over on London though and we hit the neck crank. Back up and London rams heads with Haas, allowing the crawling tag over to Kendrick. The fans get into things as Kendrick hits back to back dives on Haas and Benjamin. With Benjamin and London on the floor, Sliced Bread gives Kendrick the fast pin.

Rating: C+. London and Kendrick are valuable people to have on the roster as they can have a good match with anyone while getting the fans behind them. That should set them up as good #1 contenders and the match should be good enough. Haas and Benjamin continue to be fine opponents for anyone, as the tag division is starting to grow again. That being said, I do wonder if London and Kendrick were supposed to be Cryme Tyme.

Post match Cade and Murdoch get in the ring for what seems like some false sportsmanship.

William Regal is in an ambulance as Shane McMahon walks by.

Video on CM Punk, who is challenging for the ECW World Title tomorrow night.

Carlito tries to fire up Umaga by telling him that HHH was laughing at him for losing the Intercontinental Title.

Vince McMahon meets with his lawyers and asks about his money being secure. After seemingly making Coach GM in place of the injured William Regal, Vince fires a lawyer for suggesting he use a defensive strategy.

Here are Jillian Hall and Daivari, with the former saying she isn’t supposed to sing due having her wisdom teeth cut out but she’ll do it anyway! We get some Summer Lovin before it’s time for a tag match. This is also missing from Peacock.

Cody Rhodes/Mickie James vs. Daivari/Jillian Hall

The women start things off, with Jillian telling Mickie to avoid the teeth. Instead Mickie kicks her in the ribs and then in the face so it’s off to the men. Cody armdrags Daivari down into a few armbars but has to fight out of a chinlock. Daivari drops some elbows for two instead and the chinlock goes right back on. That’s broken up as well so Cody puts on a spinning toehold. Jillian tries a save but Mickie cuts her off, leaving Cody to hit a DDT for the pin.

Rating: C-. As has been the case since Cody’s push began, it isn’t about the match itself but rather Cody getting to establish himself. The good thing is that they have mixed it up a little bit, as he may be beating Daivari over and over, at least they are having it in different forms. It isn’t a huge push, but they’re going about it in a smart way.

Carlito/Umaga vs. HHH

Carlito throws the lefts at HHH to start but gets punched down for his efforts. HHH throws him down by the hair and then goes for Umaga but Carlito comes back in. Some double teaming is enough for the quick DQ.

Post match the big beatdown is on but Carlito grabs a chair, which HHH takes away and wrecks both of them (including several shots to Umaga’s head). The sledgehammer is brought in and HHH blasts Umaga in the head to bust him open. A big sledgehammer shot to the back of the head knocks Umaga cold and I’d assume it’ll take about thirty days for him to recover.

Unforgiven rundown.

Here are Vince McMahon and his attorneys to deal with the rest of the family. Vince knows this whole thing is about the money and everyone here wants a handout. Cue Linda McMahon, sans attorneys, to say she is the CEO of WWE so she has her own money. Thanks to Coach bringing all of those women out here to explain that Vince has had so many affairs, she can take him for everything he has. Vince tries to calm things down but here is Stephanie McMahon to interrupt.

Vince knows she’s the volatile one but they’ve had some great times together. He has a video for her looking at A Father’s Love (this could go so many different ways from Vince), which is him pummeling Linda and Stephanie over the years. Vince panics because it’s the wrong video, but HHH pops up on screen. HHH swears he had NOTHING to do with that. HHH: “Hi Steph.” That gets a smile from Stephanie, who thinks Vince should step down from his position as Chairman of the Board.

Now it’s Shane McMahon coming out to ask if he’s talking to Vince McMahon his father, or an arm swinging, death faking, egomaniacal lunatic. Shane thinks Vince needs to change in some way because this could all work out. Shane: “I always wanted a brother!” That gets a glare from Stephanie, but Vince says he never had any affairs. He was saying all of those things to make himself feel better and he only cheated on Linda ONE TIME. That was the woman who gave birth to the illegitimate son and Vince feels terrible about it. He gets on his knee to apologize but here is Mr. Kennedy to interrupt.

Kennedy says there are a lot of coincidences between himself and Vince and it just so happens that the son will be revealed next week in his hometown of Green Bay, Wisconsin. Kennedy flat out says he is Vince’s son, which Stephanie doesn’t buy. Hold on though, as Kennedy credits Vince for turning him into a WWE Superstar and then says his name loudly, with the MCMAHON at the end.

Vince hugs him, but here is a guy in a suit to say that he represents the mother of Vince’s illegitimate son. It is NOT Mr. Kennedy (darn that stupid pharmacy), but he does have a clue as to the son’s identity: Things Are Looking Up. Vince wants to know what that means to end the show.

Overall Rating: D+. This was a really weird show as the biggest issue came from having to deal with having to wrap up so many people all at once. The Kennedy deal was the big one, as not only is he gone, but now he has lost the spot in what was probably the biggest angle of his career. The rest of the show wasn’t very good either, but I would wonder how many things had to be changed late because of all of the suspensions. Not a good show, though there were some rather unique circumstances.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and head over to my Amazon author page with 30 different cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

AND

Remember to check out Wrestlingrumors.net for all of your wrestling headline needs.

Monday Night Raw
Date: August 20, 2007
Location: Crown Coliseum, Fayetteville, North Carolina
Commentators: Jim Ross, Tazz

It’s the go home show for Summerslam and the main event has been set for a long time now. Randy Orton attacked WWE Champion John Cena at Saturday Night’s Main Event so now we need another match set up. There are a few people with nothing else to do so they need to do something with them this week. Let’s get to it.

Here are last week’s results if you need a recap.

Randy Orton is already in the ring and Tazz is replacing Jerry Lawler after King Booker took him out last week. Orton tells us to take a good look, because this is the last time you are going to see him without the WWE Title. Last week it was the start of the beginning of the end, which sends us to Orton RKOing John Cena through an open chair on Saturday Night’s Main Event. That was so good that Orton wants to see it in slow motion and from different angles. For some reason he only gets the latter but seems pleased anyway.

That footage is going to replace Hogan slamming Andre and the Montreal Screwjob as the most played clip in WWE history. That move is going to end Cena’s reign, but Orton would understand if Cena couldn’t make it to Summerslam. Rumor has it that he isn’t even here tonight but if Cena is here, he can come forfeit the title right now. Instead, Orton gets Vince McMahon, who doesn’t want to hear about the title match because some woman is out there hiding his illegitimate child.

Today, he found out that the child is male, which means a son of superior genetics. If Vince didn’t know Orton’s dad, he would hope that his son would be someone like him. All his other two kids want his MONEY, which isn’t what Orton would be after. Vince thinks they will find out who his son is here tonight and he hopes the people welcome him. These people are all horrible and want to see Vince taken down, just because some offspring wants his money. Vince hopes his son isn’t like John Cena, who has no dignity…and Cena is in the back.

Cue Cena to the ring, where he says he hopes he isn’t Vince’s son because he would be ashamed for Vince to be his father. With Orton behind the barricade, Cena says Orton has a message of his own because he is here tonight. He’ll be at Summerslam, where he will retain the WWE Title. Vince says Cena might be lying, but if he doesn’t show up, he will be stripped of the championship.

Speaking of stripping, that might bring Vince to Cena’s mother. Vince says he spent a lot of time in new England and he very might have “done your mom”. Cena punches him in the face so Vince and Orton bail together. Hold on though as Vince isn’t going to stand for this. That’s why Cena can face Snitsky, which has Cena looking a bit nervous.. This was a long bunch of talking to set up a main event and reveal that the child is a son.

Rey Mysterio is back on Sunday.

Mickie James/Candice Michelle vs. Melina/Beth Phoenix

Hold on though as here is William Regal to say that we will have a Divas battle royal at Summerslam, with the winner facing Candice for the Women’s Title at some point in the future. Mickie and Candice get jumped before the bell and Beth gives Mickie a slingshot suplex. Melina comes in but Mickie slips over and brings in Candice to clean house (and scream a lot). Phoenix’s interference doesn’t work and Candice gets something like Kofi Kingston’s SOS to pin Melina

Post match the mini battle royal breaks out, with Beth being the last woman standing. Tazz: “She’s like a Glamazon!”

Santino Marella, with his arm in a sling, comes in to see William Regal to complain about Ron Simmons and Maria going on a date. Marella complains about Regal’s accent, saying he sounds like a “limp wristed hairdresser.” Regal tells him not to mess with the date so Marella says he’s off to get a cappuccino.

King Booker and Queen Sharmell are ready for his official crowning tonight and invite HHH to be their guest.

Vince McMahon and Coach talk about Vince’s possible son, but write off the idea of it being HHH. Val Venis pops up to say HELLO DADDY, with Coach saying it would explain Val’s other career. They keep walking, with Vince blaming Shane McMahon for a lot of his troubles over the years. Daivari comes in to call Vince papa and puts his head covering on Vince’s head. Vince scares it off and they run into Mr. Kennedy but they keep walking this time. He wants it to be someone who has great wealth…and we’ll just cut it off there.

Cody Rhodes vs. Shelton Benjamin

Charlie Haas is here with Benjamin. Cody takes him down by the arm to start but gets pulled to the mat without much effort. The chinlock with a knee in the back has Cody in more trouble but he fights up with some dropkicks. A bulldog gives Cody two and the snap jabs follow. Benjamin hits another backbreaker but the Boston crab is countered into a rollup to give Cody the pin.

Rating: C-. This didn’t have time to go very far but Cody stringing some wins together is a way to get him established with the crowd. That’s about all you can hope for with someone as generic as Rhodes still is. While that might work well for him, it is still a bit rough to see this happen to Shelton. He really did seem ready to be one of the next big things and here he is instead.

Post match Haas and Benjamin beat Cody down and leave him laying.

Lance Cade/Trevor Murdoch vs. Paul London/Brian Kendrick

Non-title. Cade drives Kendrick into the corner to start and grabs a headlock. That doesn’t work very well as Kendrick is back up with a dropkick. It’s off to London for an armdrag, followed by another armdrag to Murdoch. An armbar doesn’t last long so Cade comes back in as everything breaks down. Cade and Murdoch are sent outside for the stereo dives, with Kendrick slamming head first onto the floor for a scary crash. Thankfully he seems to be ok, so here is Cryme Tyme to sell Murdoch’s hat to the crowd. The distraction lets Kendrick grab a crucifix for the pin as the hat sells for two dollars.

Rating: C+. These teams work well together as you have some talented people who know how to work well together. Losing to London and Kendrick is hardly some shocking upset and it furthers Cryme Tyme’s claim to a title shot. They’re turning this into a little something, with Cryme Tyme’s charisma certainly taking it a long way. Nice match too, which shouldn’t be a surprise.

We now go to Ron Simmons and Maria on a date at a sports bar and grill. Simmons will have CLAM chowder with his LAMB, along with some bread and JAM. Cue Santino Marella with Jillian (or Lilian, according to him) Hall and of course they’ll join them. Oh and Simmons gets a vegetable, so he’ll have YAMS.

It’s time for King Booker’s coronation, with Queen Sharmell handling the introductions. Last week, Jerry Lawler was supposed to crown him but that did not happen. Instead, Lawler announced his opponent for the Summerslam Games, Hunter Hearst Helmsley (He used his real name!). We see Lawler getting beaten down last week before Booker calls the city by the wrong name. Booker orders HHH out here right now….and it’s a guy in a bad HHH costume, complete with the fake nose (he looks like Jason Sensation as Owen Hart).

Fake HHH crowns him but Booker wants to talk to James Ross. This does not concern Tazzwell so he can leave. Booker yells at Ross over what he said last week, while losing a bit of the accent. Ross is in trouble, but he can make up for it by kissing the royal ring. That won’t happen, but Sharmell shoves his face onto it, which is enough for Booker. I was expecting more violence. And more from Fake HHH. This was something with a few ideas but they didn’t go anywhere.

Post break, Ross says it’s Game On for Booker at Summerslam.

We go back to the date, where Jillian Hall is singing Whitney Houston. Maria didn’t realize they had karaoke here, but she just brings that microphone with her. A “fan” comes up to ask for Santino Marella’s autograph on a program, which is unfortunately from the waist up because it doesn’t showcase Santino’s…uh, bulge. The fact that he is reading this from a piece of paper isn’t lost on Maria. Ron Simmons: “SHAM!”

It’s time for Carlito’s Cabana, with Umaga as the guest. Carlito gets right to the point: we’re almost to Summerslam but he doesn’t have a match. He wants the Intercontinental Title shot, but here is Mr. Kennedy to interrupt. Carlito: “Not you again.” Kennedy thinks he should get the title shot, because he has beaten Bobby Lashley, which even Umaga hasn’t done. If anyone deserves the title shot at Summerslam, it’s MR. KENNEDY (which takes quite awhile to say). Umaga thinks it takes too long and superkicks Kennedy down before wrecking the set. Cue William Regal to make Carlito vs. Kennedy for the title shot right now.

Mr. Kennedy vs. Carlito

We’re joined in progress with Carlito taking him down by the arm and pounding on the shoulder. Kennedy gets sent outside but comes back in to take Carlito down instead. The chase on the floor doesn’t go very far and it’s Carlito hammering away back inside. We hit the chinlock with a knee in Kennedy’s back but he pops up with a backdrop.

Carlito’s clothesline doesn’t even get a count because Kennedy’s shoulders aren’t down but a suplex does get one. Kennedy misses a middle rope elbow so they trade rollups with trunks for two each. Back up and Carlito kicks/hits/springboard elbows him in the face, only to miss a charge into the post. They head back outside, with Kennedy hitting a running kick to the ribs against the steps as we take a break.

We come back with Carlito being sent into the corner, setting up some boot scrapes. That doesn’t go well for Carlito, who is back up with a posting of his own. Carlito’s dropkick gets two but Kennedy catches him on top. The super Regal Roll is broken up so Carlito hits a superplex, setting up the always stupid “let’s randomly throw our legs together” for a small package and the double pin.

Rating: C-. This was long and I don’t know how dramatic the ending was. It wouldn’t have made sense to have either of them go over the other so this was about as good as it could have been. The ending didn’t help either, as it’s one of those ending that can only make sense when they are working together and that isn’t a great visual.

Post match, William Regal makes the triple threat title match. That was so fast it was almost anticlimactic.

HHH is back at Summerslam.

Back at the bar, Santino Marella threatens Ron Simmons, who calls the referee over (SAM!). As luck would have it, the waiter’s tray of food winds up on Santino, giving us Simmons’ main catchphrase. Kind of a lame ending, but Simmons has been great.

Summerslam rundown.

Vince McMahon is in the back with Melina, who apparently looks rather fetching in Divas Magazine. Snitsky comes in to say he never knew his parents, but he knows how to inflict pain. He promises to cause Cena pain and calls Vince dad.

We look back at John Cena slapping McMahon earlier.

John Cena vs. Snitsky

Non-title. Cena gets powered into the corner to start but avoids a charge. A bulldog just seems to avoid Snitsky, who kicks Cena in the head to take over again. Snitsky clotheslines him hard to the floor and there’s an elbow to cut off the comeback attempt. A double underhook crank works on both of Cena’s arms but Cena powers out. The ProtoBomb looks to set up the FU but here is Randy Orton with the RKO for the DQ.

Rating: C. It’s another match designed to be nothing more than a way to set up the finish, but Snitsky continues to look like a monster. One thing I did like here was the ending didn’t have Snitsky completely done, leaving him just enough of an out. I can’t imagine Snitsky can reach anything higher than a monster to be slayed, but at least he did well in a short match here.

Post match, Orton hits another RKO and stares at the title to end the show.

Overall Rating: C. They’re in a weird place with the Summerslam build as Cena vs. Orton is set, but the second biggest Raw match involves someone who hasn’t been around for seven months. That has left the logical but only so good Booker vs. Lawler feud, with Lawler not being around this week either. The Vince drama is enough to fill in the gap, but the red half of Summerslam is feeling very single note after this show.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and head over to my Amazon author page with 30 different cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

AND

Remember to check out Wrestlingrumors.net for all of your wrestling headline needs.

Saturday Night’s Main Event #35
Date: August 18, 2007
Location: Madison Square Garden, New York City, New York
Attendance: 16,827
Commentators: Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield, Jim Ross

It’s time for the annual hour and a half long commercial for Summerslam which makes you want to watch the original run of this series again. This show has nothing advertised outside of an update on who Vince McMahon’s illegitimate child might be. The show doesn’t make a difference anyway but I’m almost worried about what is going to be on here. Let’s get to it.

Vince McMahon and Coach are in the back to recap the illegitimate child deal. Coach has been looking through the roster and thinks he has an idea of who Vince’s child is. Vince has told him about all of his dalliances (which he just has records of I guess), except for this one in Kansas City (where Coach is from), back in the 70s….when Coach was born…..and then put up for adoption. Vince thinks this is going to be a long night.

Opening sequence.

Batista/Kane vs. Great Khali/Finlay

Take two Summerslam matches, put them in a tag match. Finlay and Kane, with his taped up ribs, start things off, with Kane knocking him into the corner. It’s quickly off to Batista, who takes Finlay down by the arm. A MuscleBuster drops Finlay again and we take a break. Back with Khali working on the ribs and putting on the stomach Claw.

Kane fights up but gets kicked in the face to put him right back down. That doesn’t last long though as Finlay gets over for the tag off to Batista as everything breaks down. Khali gets tied in the ropes so here is Hornswoggle…who is launched into Khali’s chest. A double chokeslam puts Khali down and the Batista Bomb finishes Finlay.

Rating: C. Total house show style main event and that’s about as good as you’re going to get. Ultimately, the wrestling isn’t so much the point of this show as much as just seeing these wrestlers doing something to get you ready for Summerslam. They didn’t have another option for the ending either so this was about as good as it could have been done.

Vince McMahon has to know who his kid is….and then he looks in a mirror to turn him into his 80s version. Coach gets Vince out of there so Ron Simmons comes up and catchphrases at his own reflection.

MVP is very happy to see Evander Holyfield here to beat Matt Hardy in a boxing match. Holyfield does seem to know him.

Here are Coach and Vince McMahon for Illegitimate Child Corner. Since DNA tests have taken so long, it is time to find out who the child is. Coach talks about how Vince is man with urges but Vince tells him to GET ON WITH THIS. First up, Vince had a tryst in Kentucky, which brings out Eugene. Vince says that’s not possible, because he slept with a woman, not his cousin. Eugene says his Uncle Eric wanted to get into wrestling because Vince nailed his sister….and that’s enough for Vince to cut him off. Eugene: “I LOVE YOU DAD!”

Vince throws him out so Coach brings in Melina, who might have been conceived when Vince was at a Wrestlemania II after party in Los Angeles. Cue Melina, who looks rather upset. They both insist that it isn’t her, as….apparently they had, ahem, a “meeting” on the Fourth of July. Melina better hope that their meeting was, ahem, harmless, or she’s suing him for everything he has. I think he’ll be fine as Vince was in New York for Wrestlemania II, not Los Angeles.

Anyway, there’s one more person but Coach doesn’t want to bring them out. Vince insists though and the glass shatters, meaning we get that classic Vince panic. Austin thinks Vince could be his pops and he could be the fruit of his loins. The result of what came from Vince’s grapefruits if you will. Vince says there’s no chance of that, which Austin says is too bad.

They never had the chance to play catch, go to a football game, build a go kart or teach him how to water ski. Vince never even got to have that talk about the birds and the bees with him. They didn’t get to have a beer together but Vince has had enough of this. Austin thinks the easy thing would be Stunning Vince, but he would rather help him out with the grapefruits instead, meaning a bunch of low blows. Coach gets the Stunner instead and beer is consumed. Vince pulls himself up and gets a Stunner of his own. This was a few jokes until we got to the Austin/Vince moment and that’s always going to work. The search continues.

John Cena vs. Carlito

Non-title and this is the Big Apple Showdown. Cena tackles him down to start and pounds away with right hands. Carlito is sent outside but manages to pull Cena to the floor as we take a break. Back with Cena hitting the top rope Fameasser for two and the STFU makes Carlito tap in a hurry. Not enough shown to rate but this was almost a Cena squash.

Post match Randy Orton comes in and gives Cena an RKO through an open chair. Cena is out cold and Orton yells at him a lot before staring, evily.

Post break, Randy Orton says that’s just the beginning and he’ll take the WWE Title at Summerslam.

There are a bunch of women at ringside for the boxing match.

Matt Hardy vs. Evander Holyfield

Michael Buffer is here to handle the introductions, including one for MVP, in Holyfield’s corner. Matt is at least wearing headgear to prevent a bad case of destruction. We have two minute rounds and Holyfield knocks him down in about a minute. Hardy gets back up and is down again in about twenty seconds. Somehow he survives again to end the round, with MVP being very pleased. The bell rings for the second round and Holyfield doesn’t want to beat him up anymore. MVP comes in and tells Holyfield to do it, earning himself a knockout. This is about all they could have done and at least they made it fast.

CM Punk/Boogeyman vs. John Morrison/Big Daddy V

ECW actually gets the closing spot. Matt Striker is here with V and they’re moving through the entrances pretty fast. Punk and Morrison start things off with Punk rolling him up for tow. Morrison sends him throat first into the middle rope so Punk clotheslines him over the top to the floor.

We take a break and come back with Boogeyman backdropping Morrison a bit harder than he needed to but Striker’s distraction lets V come in. That means Boogeyman is thrown around this time but he does avoid a charge in the corner. It’s back to Punk with the springboard clothesline to Morrison but he’s back up with a knee to the head. Not that it matters though as Punk grabs a small package for the pin.

Rating: C-. This felt like they were running out of time and had to squeeze everyone in there while they could. I’ll take that over not having the match, though V didn’t do much here, which might be a good thing. Punk gets another boost for his title match and that was the point here.

Commentary sends us to a fast highlight video to wrap up the show.

Overall Rating: C. Keeping in mind that this was just a way to build to a pay per view, it was completely watchable. They probably could have cut this down to an hour instead of an hour and a half, but at least they covered a lot of stuff and had the Vince/Austin deal in the middle. Absolutely not a show you need to see, but it would have been completely acceptable background noise while you fold your neighbor’s towels.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and head over to my Amazon author page with 30 different cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

AND

Remember to check out Wrestlingrumors.net for all of your wrestling headline needs.

Royal Rumble 2009
Date: January 25, 2009
Location: Joe Louis Arena, Detroit, Michigan
Attendance: 16,685
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, Jim Ross, Todd Grisham, Matt Striker, Tazz

This isn’t so much the Royal Rumble as much as it is HHH and Randy Orton are in a match and 28 other guys happen to be in the ring too. Other than that we have Edge challenging the NEW WWE Champion Jeff Hardy and Cena defending against JBL, who has Shawn Michaels and his crisis of conscience working for him at the moment. This wasn’t the best year for WWE so let’s get to it.

No intro video this year. That’s interesting.

ECW Title: Jack Swagger vs. Matt Hardy

Swagger won the title about two weeks ago and this is Hardy’s rematch. We actually get big match intros for this, which is a rare sight for an ECW Title match. Matt takes him into the corner to start before punching Jack in the face. Striker calls that a pugilistic endeavor to sound smart. Another punch sends Swagger to the floor and we head back inside for a clothesline from Matt.

Jack heads to the floor to hide after Matt swings again. Back in and Swagger takes Hardy to the mat and cranks on the arm a bit. Hardy comes back with a dropkick in the corner and a bulldog for two, only to go up and get shoved down to the floor. Back in and Swagger starts in on the arm but Hardy quickly escapes a key lock. A punch to Hardy’s arm blocks a clothesline and a big boot gets two for the champion.

Back to the key lock as Jack stays on the arm. He lifts Hardy off the mat by the arm a few times as the fans cheer for the challenger. Matt fights back but he’s basically fighting with one arm here. A bulldog puts Jack down for two and a middle rope elbow to Swagger’s back gets the same.

Hardy walks into a belly to belly suplex from Jack for two though and both guys are down. A DDT on the arm gets two for the champion but Matt blocks a belly to back superplex. Matt hits a decent looking moonsault for two and the fans are getting into these kickouts. The Twist is countered and Jack sends Matt shoulder and possibly head first into the post. The Swagger Bomb retains the title.

Rating: B-. Better match than I was expecting here with both guys looking good out there. Matt was getting close to being something decent as a singles guy and this was his way off ECW and onto Smackdown. Swagger would go on to win a world title and shock the world in the process before falling through the floor soon after. Solid opener here.

Orton arrives and gets glared at.

Women’s Title: Beth Phoenix vs. Melina

Melina is challenging and Beth has Santino with her here. Beth shoves her around to start before easily breaking out of a headlock. A LOUD Santino chant starts up as Beth throws Melina around. Melina comes back with a shot to the head but gets shoved down immediately again. The challenger hooks an armbar of all things but Beth easily stands up while Melina stands on her shoulder.

Melina gets on Beth’s shoulders again but Beth shoves her down in a crash. A running Umaga attack in the corner puts Melina down again and Beth is in full control. In a freaky looking move, Beth grabs Melina’s leg in a kind of ankle lock position and bends the leg forward to make Melina kick herself in the back of the head. FREAKING OW MAN! Melina escapes a gorilla press and fires off some forearms before getting two off a sunset flip. Two knees into Beth’s back have her staggered and a hair drag gets two. Out of nowhere, Melina grabs a spinning rollup for the pin and the title. As sudden as it sounds.

Rating: D+. Not terrible here and the girls looked good so I can’t complain much. That leg lock thing of Beth’s was SICK and it’s one of those moves that just looks painful all around. At the end of the day though, does it matter who has either of the female belts? They’re completely interchangeable and this one was retired the next year.

We recap JBL vs. Cena, which is basically the Shawn Michaels Story. Basically the story went that Shawn was crushed by the financial crash and JBL offered to hire him to help win the title. Shawn helped JBL win a #1 contenders match and the question is will he screw over Cena tonight and compromise his morals? There was a VERY real argument to be made for Shawn vs. JBL at Mania for the title, so this wasn’t a layup. The problem with this story is still there though: Shawn is a world class wrestler with the top company in the world….and he’s broke? He may have lost his savings but he’s not unemployed.

JBL tells Shawn is he wins the title tonight, Shawn is free with a huge payday and he can be in the Rumble tonight, which at the moment he isn’t. Bradshaw leaves and Taker shows up, saying that sometimes it’s a nightmare getting to Heaven.

Raw World Title: John Cena vs. John Bradshaw Layfield

Cena is defending in case you skipped the previous parts. We get the big match intros here and even a weapons check for old times’ sake. Cena takes him to the mat with a headlock to start but JBL counters into one of his own. A shoulder block puts JBL down and out to the floor as we take a breather. JBL whispers something to Shawn before heading back inside for some clubbing forearms to the back.

Cena slams him down for two though and we’re still in the early stages. JBL heads to the floor again but this time Cena goes after him. He runs into Shawn though and stops cold, allowing JBL to get in a shot to take over. Shawn didn’t move at all. Back in with JBL in control and a standing clothesline gets two. Presumably that one was only from Hoboken.

Off to a chinlock from the challenger as we keep things at JBL’s slow pace. A side slam gets two on Cena and he rolls out to the apron. Layfield knocks him to the floor and then sends him into the stairs for two back inside. Cena fights out of a superplex attempt and hits the top rope Fameasser for two of his own. The champ initiates his finishing sequence with all of his usual stuff including the Shuffle. Shawn hasn’t been a factor in the first nine minutes or so of the match.

JBL escapes the AA but gets caught in the STF instead. Shawn starts grabbing the ropes but doesn’t do anything. Cena lets go of the hold anyway, allowing JBL to kick Cena to the floor. JBL’s Clothesline gets two so he glares at Shawn for some reason. A quick AA attempt misses and JBL kicks the referee down by mistake. The Johns double clothesline each other and it’s time for the big moment.

Shawn gets in the ring and is staring at both guys. Both guys get up and Shawn superkicks John. As in the challenger/him employer. He also kicks the champion/the guy he was hired to take out before leaving. Shawn puts JBL’s arm across Cena, causing the fans to chant for the champ. Another referee comes out and gets a two count for Layfield and both guys get up. Cena hits a quick AA on JBL to retain.

Rating: C-. The match itself was pretty dull but the drama worked well enough to make up for it. At the end of the day, JBL simply wasn’t good enough at this point to hang in a world title match. Cena had to tone it WAY down to let JBL keep up with him and it showed badly. Still though, Shawn more than makes up for it and would go on to have a masterpiece with Taker at Mania so all is well and good.

We recap Edge vs. Hardy. Hardy shocked the world (including me) at Armageddon by winning the title, but a few weeks later he started having a string of “accidents” including having pyro go off in his face and nearly getting killed by a crazy driver. Everyone blamed Edge but he denied responsibility. The question is who is behind all this stuff. Hardy hasn’t had a match that I know of in the meantime. I went to a house show during this period and Hardy didn’t wrestle.

Smackdown World Title: Edge vs. Jeff Hardy

Vickie makes it No DQ for no apparent reason and Chavo is in Edge’s corner because he’s familia. Jeff spears Edge into the corner to start and pounds away as fast as he can. The fans almost immediately start chanting WE WANT CHRISTIAN. Now remember that line as I’ll get back to it later on. Christian had left TNA and word hadn’t broken yet on if he had signed with WWE yet (I don’t think). Anyway, Jeff tries to bring in a chair but Edge kicks it out of his hands before it gets inside.

Hardy pounds away but Edge gets in a shot to take over for the first time. Edge sends him to the floor but can’t hit a baseball slide, allowing Hardy to hit a clothesline off the apron. Back in and Jeff tries a springboard but gets kicked down to the floor for the third time. Edge rams him into various hard objects including tables and the barricade and then another table.

We head back inside again with Edge in full control including a spear in the corner. Jeff grabs a quick two off a sunset flip but gets clotheslined right back down. Off to a body vice by Edge to slow things down a bit. Jeff fights up and hits a mule kick before going up top, only to jump into a dropkick from Edge for two. Now Edge goes to get two chairs but Jeff spears him down off the apron before it can be brought in.

Edge gets back to the apron but gets pulled down into a Twist of Fate onto said apron, sending both guys down onto the floor. Since it’s Jeff vs. Edge, here’s a ladder. Jeff spreads Edge out on the table but Chavo climbs up to slow Jeff down. Edge moves, so Jeff hits a HUGE splash to put Chavo through the table instead. Back in and Jeff gets two off a high cross body. Edge gets up first and pulls a buckle off, only to get caught in the Whisper in the Wind for two.

Out of nowhere Edge counters the Twist into a DDT for a very close two. We’re pretty clearly in the final stages of this match which means it’s getting awesome. Edge counters the slingshot dropkick into a kind of hot shot into the exposed buckle for ANOTHER two. The spear is countered into a Twist of Fate so Jeff goes up. After kicking Vickie away, the Swanton hits but Vickie pulls the referee out. Cue Matt to send Vickie into the ring and pick up a chair. To the shock of a lot of people, Matt cracks Jeff with the chair to give Edge of all people the world title.

Rating: B. This too awhile to get going but once they hit their stride they started acting like Edge and Jeff Hardy in a big match. The No DQ stuff wasn’t needed here but it made things work a bit better. At the end of the day, these two work best when they can turn off the rules and go nuts, which is what they did here.

Now remember earlier that I mentioned Christian. He was originally supposed to be in Matt’s spot, setting up a reunion with Edge. However, WWE felt the fans figured this out so we got Matt in his place. This also happened in 2012 with Sheamus winning the Rumble instead of Jericho. Based on this theory, Shawn should have kept the title at Wrestlemania 14 because almost everyone knew that Austin was winning.

That makes no sense and I don’t get what they think this is accomplishing. It didn’t work out well for Russo and it won’t work out for the WWE. Matt vs. Jeff didn’t work at the end of the day, mainly because I don’t think people wanted to see them fight. I’ll give them this: they did come up with a logical reason for Matt to turn so it’s not a terrible idea. It just wasn’t the best option they had.

Orton says he’ll win. Jericho pops in to thank Orton for punting Vince on Monday but Randy will probably get fired for it.

Rumble by the numbers which is roughly the same as the previous year.

Royal Rumble

Mysterio is #1 and Morrison is #2. Rey kicks him in the face a few times to start but gets put on the apron for trying his sitout bulldog. A springboard cross body puts Morrison down and there’s a big headscissors to take Morrison down. John gets sent to the apron but hangs on by the top rope, even when Mysterio dropkicks him in the ribs. Carlito is #3 and is the second tag champion in here along with Morrison. Those titles would be unified at Mania.

Rey tries a standing moonsault but gets caught in a modified swinging neckbreaker instead. Carlito hits a gorgeous double jump moonsault to take Morrison down and stomping ensues. MVP, currently on a winning streak after losing forever, is #4. There’s Ballin on Morrison and a facebuster to Carlito. Rey get sent to the apron but he saves himself almost immediately.

Great Khali with the awesome dance music is #5. Everybody gets a chop and Khali poses a bit. Mysterio tries to springboard onto him and Carlito tries a Backstabber, both to no avail. Kozlov is #6 and immediately headbutts Khali out by himself. MVP misses a running kick in the corner and he’s gone too (BIG heat on Vlad for that). Carlito is gone after jumping into a spinebuster and Mysterio looks to be up next, but heeeeeeeeeere’s HHH at #7.

Since no one else can get a good match out of Kozlov, you know HHH is going to try his hand at him. They stare each other down and Kozlov hits the headbutt to take him down. The facebuster stuns Kozlov and HHH throws him out wise ease. It’s HHH, Morrison and Mysterio in there at the moment with Rey chilling in the corner. The knee to the face puts Morrison down and Orton is #8.

The battle of Evolution continues and the backbreaker puts HHH down. Both finishers are countered with Morrison breaking up the Pedigree. Rey hits a seated senton on Orton and the 619 on Morrison before JTG is in at #9. Orton tries to put Mysterio out as people start pairing off. Ted DiBiase, as in one of Orton’s lackeys, is #10. Mysterio and DiBiase immediately fight to the apron with Rey doing some gymnastics to stay alive.

Jericho is #11 and goes right for Orton. He can’t get him out so there’s a Lionsault to HHH instead. Jericho is knocked to the apron and Mike Knox is #12. Orton and DiBiase focus on JTG as Knox beats on Rey. HHH saves the masked dude for no apparent reason and Miz is #13. He goes right after JTG and hits something like the Skull Crushing Finale before going after the Game.

Morrison and Mysterio team up on Orton but John and Miz both take RKOs. There’s one for JTG but HHH hits a Pedigree to stop Randy dead. HHH dumps Miz and Morrison to prove how awesome he is and Finlay is #14. Jericho backdrops Mysterio to the floor but he lands on Morrison and hops onto Miz to get back to the ring. Finlay beats on everyone in the ring until Cody Rhodes, the other of Orton’s goons, is #15.

We currently have Mysterio, HHH, Orton, JTG, DiBiase, Jericho, Knox, Finlay and Rhodes. Legacy (the collective name of the trio) starts picking off people one at a time, starting with Finlay. They don’t actually put anyone out but they get to beat on everyone at least. Rey dives at Orton but gets caught in an RKO in a nice counter. The Undertaker is #16 and here come the punches. His only victim at this point is JTG to clear the ring out a bit.

Goldust of all people is in at #17 and immediately goes for DiBiase. Rhodes pulls his real life brother (Goldust) off so Goldie sends him to the apron a few times. That’s as far as he can get though as an RKO puts Goldust down and Rhodes gets to dump him out. Punk is #18 and happens to be the IC Champion at this point. There’s a GTS for HHH as RKO works on Y2J. Mysterio gets sent to the apron by Knox and Finlay works on Taker.

Mark Henry is #19 and throws a lot of people around but can’t get anybody out. Shelton Benjamin is #20 to fill the ring up even more. Jericho and Punk go up top for no apparent reason other than for Shelton to charge the corner and hit a kind of double DDT to bring them both back down. Billy Regal is #21 and goes right for Punk, who beat him for the IC Title a week or so again.

Mysterio dumps Henry off camera to thankfully get someone out of the ring. HHH is upside down in the corner but he winds up sitting on the apron. Here’s Kofi at #22 to speed things up as well as he can with so many people around him. Taker dumps Benjamin and Kane is #23. After beating up a few people he stares his brother down before they start working together to chokeslam some people.

Punk pulls Regal out and brags about it without getting thrown out. R-Truth is #24 and nothing happens. Rob Van Dam makes a one night only return at #25 after not having been seen in the WWE in about a year and a half. That at least wakes the crowd up but there are too many people in there for his style of stuff to work. He loads up the Five Star but Truth is too close so he has to bail out in mid air.

The Brian Kendrick is #26 back when he was actually a big deal. To show how big he is, he manages to dump Kofi and get thrown out by HHH in about fifteen seconds. Dolph Ziggler gets lucky #27 but only lasts about six seconds longer than Kendrick with Kane getting the point. Your future World Heavyweight Champion ladies and gentlemen. Santino is #28 and breaks Warlord’s record of two seconds in the Rumble by being clotheslined out by Kane before he can even stand up straight.

Jim Duggan makes his token Rumble appearance at #29 and he punches everything in sight, including knocking the Dead Man down. Big Show is #30, giving us a final group of Mysterio, HHH, Orton, DiBiase, Jericho, Knox, Finlay, Rhodes, Undertaker, Punk, Kane, R-Truth, RVD, Duggan and Big Show, or half the field in the entire match. Nearly everyone goes after him at once but it’s Duggan that gets tossed instead.

Jericho tries to put a sleeper on Show but it gets about as far as you would expect. Taker throws Punk to the apron as Show dumps Truth. Punk fires off some kicks and hangs on three times so Show finally knocks him out cold and out to the floor. Show knocks out Knox and Mysterio as Horny gets in for no apparent reason. Finlay tries to save him and gets dumped for his efforts at good parenting.

Jericho hits a Codebreaker on Kane and Orton hits the Elevated DDT on HHH. Taker and Show have their required staredown and RVD hits the Five Star on Orton. Jericho comes up behind Van Dam to dump him while Rob holds his ribs. That’s his last WWE appearance to date. Chris turns around and sees Taker who tosses him with glee. Legacy teams up to put Kane out and we’re down to Taker, Big Show, HHH and Legacy.

The trio surrounds Undertaker as HHH gets chokeslammed. Taker does the same to most of Legacy so the giants punch each other a lot until Show gets knocked to the apron and hangs on with his feet flying off the apron. THAT was cool. Not that it matters anyway as he gets RKO’ed out a few moments later but it still looked good. Show pulls Taker to the floor a minute later because that’s how he rolls.

So as people expected at the time, it’s HHH vs. Legacy for the Rumble. Taker and Show fight into the crowd for no apparent reason. HHH goes after Rhodes first but the numbers catch up with him. He gets beaten down and Orton says pick him up. The RKO is countered though and HHH sends Orton to the apron. There goes DiBiase and Rhodes follows, but Orton sneaks up on HHH and throws him out to win the Rumble.

Rating: D. This was one of the weaker Rumbles there’s ever been. For one thing, it was clear that Orton was going to win no matter what happened. Second and probably more important, they got caught in the classic Rumble trap of having WAY too many people in there at once. They didn’t even try the three act structure here and it showed badly. That’s something Pat Patterson was absolutely amazing at and he was gone by this point.

Overall Rating: C-. It’s clear that the company was in a transitional period here and that makes this a hard one to get through. There’s enough good stuff here to check it out, but it’s nothing worth going out of your way to see. The only really solid match is Edge vs. Hardy and even that is nothing really worth seeing. This is a rare instance where the Rumble didn’t dictate how the show went as the rest of it is a far easier sit than the Rumble itself.

Ratings Comparison

Jack Swagger vs. Matt Hardy

Original: B

Redo: B-

Melina vs. Beth Phoenix

Original: C-

Redo: D+

John Cena vs. John Bradshaw Layfield

Original: C

Redo: C-

Edge vs. Jeff Hardy

Original: B-

Redo: B

Royal Rumble

Original: D

Redo: D

Overall Rating

Original: B+

Redo: C-

So let me get this straight: every match is literally within a single grade of the original but the original is nearly two grades higher? Dang I was REALLY feeling generous that day. A show with an hour long match that gets a D doesn’t sound like a B+ overall to me.

Here’s the original review if you’re interested:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2011/01/28/royal-rumble-count-up-2009-the-voices-tell-me-no-one-but-orton-has-a-chance/

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and head over to my Amazon author page with 30 different cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

AND

Remember to check out Wrestlingrumors.net for all of your wrestling headline needs.