Wrestlemania 14
Date: March 29, 1998
Location: Fleetcenter, Boston, Massachusetts
Attendance: 19,028
Commentators: Jerry Lawler, Jim Ross
America the Beautiful: Chris Warren

We have arrived in the Attitude Era full blast now. As of last year’s Wrestlemania, it was about as obvious as possible that Austin was going to be the guy that the company put itself on for the foreseeable future. Bret was gone due to Montreal and, we didn’t know it at the time, but Shawn was on his way out. This show was based completely around storyline with wrestling thrown in on the side.

The big deal at this show was Mike Tyson. Floyd Mayweather at last year’s show was nothing but a cheap imitation of this. Tyson being on the show was absolutely mind blowing at the time as he was one of the biggest names in the world. We all knew Austin would get the belt, but with Tyson there we wanted to see how he did it. The other feud was a mind blowing one as well with Kane vs. the Undertaker.

That feud is about as epic as you can get so I’ll go into the explanation for that when it’s time. This was the first show that was completely in the new era and it’s clear that the company was going in a new direction. You can see that in the very first match of the show. Before that though, we get an excellent video talking about how the new generation is killing off the tradition of Wrestlemania, but it questions if they really are doing so. Check it out if you get the chance. Where was I? Oh yes, let’s get to it.

The opening video is about how there’s a new era in the company. This era is full of brash young men that are fighting for the same title that Hogan and Sammartino had. Tonight instead of fighting history, they will become it. Cool opening video.

With no pyro or anything, it’s time for the first match.
Tag Team Battle Royal

Los Boricuas (Vega/Perez), Los Boricuas (Estrada/Castillo), Truth Commission, Bradshaw/Chainz, Nation of Domination (Henry/Brown), Nation of Domination (Farrooq/Kama), Quebecers, New Midnight Express (Bart Gunn and Bob Holly), Rock N Roll Express (original), Headbangers, Too Much (Too Cool), Disciples of Apocalypse, Steve Blackman/Flash Funk, Godwins, Legion of Doom 2000
This is for a title shot the following month at Unforgiven. The LOD is returning here, managed by the epitome of sex appeal, Sunny. If you ask most people here, Sunny was one of their first crushes. Just an absolute goddess. Anyway, this is a pretty big mess of a match. The rules are that if one man is eliminated, so is his partner. The RVD sign in the crowd amuses me. The crowd is going nuts for LOD, who were always ridiculously over.

We only see the intros of Farrooq/Kama and the LOD, more or less saying who the winners are automatically. Why there’s a remix of their song I have no idea. Anyway, Animal is in shorts now and Sunny is in very little. LOUD LOD chant starts up. Everyone starts on the floor so it’s a big brawl to start. Savio goes out. There isn’t much to say here as everything is a big mess with 30 people in the ring to start.

Kurrgan comes out and eliminates the Truth Commission. Barry Windham comes out to get rid of Chainz and Bradshaw. Thankfully that clears up a bit of space here. D’lo and Henry are out. The Quebecers are out. This is going so fast that you can’t keep up with anything at all. The original Express is out. This is annoying beyond belief.

Castillo and Estrada are out. Headbangers are out. Henry is still in there even though his partner is out. I have no idea who is left. Henry is gone finally. Too Much is gone and Lawler is mad. Uh the Godwins, the DOA, the LOD, New Midnights and that’s it. We slow WAY down and this is just boring.

The DOA is finally out. We went from like two eliminations a minute to one in three minutes. Ok the DOA is still in. Now the Godwins are out as is DOA. The Godwins get their buckets to drill LOD, making it harder for the new Midnights to pick them up and toss them as the LOD are now dead weight. Animal goes under the ropes but Hawk hangs on. I think you know the ending here. The LOD clean house and almost stereo eliminations give the old guys the win.

Rating: D-. This was awful. The ending was known far before the match ended, the eliminations were awful as they went far too fast, and there were WAY too many people in the ring at once with 30 being in there at the beginning. This team went nowhere for the most part but anytime Sunny looks like that you can’t call it a failure at all.
Light Heavyweight Championship: Taka Michinoku vs. Aguila

This is the epitome of filler. No one ever knew what to do with these guys so it would be Taka vs. random opponent of the month. This whole title was just a waste and I don’t think anyone missed it when it was exiled to Metal. It was clearly a response to the Crusierweights, but the problem was simple: most of the good cruiserweights were taken already.

Aside from Taka, the WWF guys had no personality, no substance to them at all, and were just dull. There was absolutely no structure to the division whatsoever. See what I’m doing here? I’m typing this out so I don’t have to be bored to death by this match. Dang it I have to watch it I guess. There was zero transition here at all either as we just start the match. No entrance for Taka either.

They slap hands to start and here we go. This is very much like the Moolah Women’s Title defenses back in the 70s and early 80s. Asai moonsault by Aguila who is only 19. We head to the floor for the second time tonight as Taka hits a huge plancha to take down Aguila.

We go into the ring and the fans go into their seats. No one cares about these guys and it’s pretty clear. There’s a reason why this division bombed and I’ve gone into it already. We go to the floor for the third time in less than three minutes. Taka counters for a bit but gets caught by a top rope armdrag.

Aguila does some great flips and we’re on the floor one more time. Nice corkscrew plancha by Aguila takes Taka down as we’re doing high spot, rest, high spot, rest, lather rinse repeat. Moonsault by Aguila gets two. Middle rope splash gets knees for Taka and the champion is in trouble. Michinoku Driver and a moonsault miss but Taka gets a counter with a dropkick and the second attempt at the Driver ends this.

Rating: D+. The match was fine but at the same time, this was rather pointless. It’s the definition of filler as there was no reason to care about any character. Only Taka got any kind of extended camera time and when the challengers are all gone a week later, why in the world should I get interested? The division never worked and those are some reasons why.

We see some woman that had something to do with Bill Clinton interviewing the Rock. This is completely hilarious as Rock is the most egomaniacal person of all time, saying that all the major issues like homelessness aren’t important as long as his lawn is clean. He’s the judge and jury and is always a hung jury, if you smell what he’s cooking. If my memory is right, that’s the debut of that line. He makes sex jokes about interns and is absolutely hilarious.

European Title: HHH vs. Owen Hart

This feud is a residual effect from Montreal. The time of HHH as leader of DX was on the horizon as was his face turn. That would lead to one of the best feuds of the late 90s between him and the Rock, culminating in an absolute war in the ladder match at Summerslam. Chris Warren and the DX Band play HHH to the ring. He’s champion here and Chyna will be handcuffed to Sgt. Slaughter, the commissioner, during the match.

We get a quick video of Owen’s bad ankle being destroyed by Chyna and losing the title to HHH as a result. Owen never got his big match with Shawn and was more or less buried and fed to HHH who moved on to bigger stuff. Owen was given the European Title after beating Goldust to keep him appeased but the writing was totally on the wall at that point.

Setting up the handcuffs takes FOREVER. Owen comes out and the fight is on in a hurry. Bret is actually mentioned here which is odd to hear indeed. Hurricanrana gets two. Owen was insane in the ring at times for someone his size. HHHHH gets in a shot to the knee and we hit the floor. Chyna tries to interfere but gets stopped cold by Slaughter.

Owen takes over again and we go back to the ring. Sharpshooter almost goes on but HHH rakes the eyes. Hart lowers his head and gets a facebuster because of it. Well if you do it that obviously you deserve to get a knee to the face. Crotch chop to Owen. Earl Hebner isn’t here tonight and is in intensive care for some reason. He’s watching Mania though, probably thinking of how to screw over Owen for a change.

Suplex by HHH gets no cover. Jerry screams at HHH to go for the ankle but it’s a Flair knee drop instead. DDT gets two. HHH finally goes after the ankle and the big beaked Canadian is screaming in pain. Owen’s nose is busted. More ankle work but Owen gets some shots in to take over a bit. He ducks a boot and slides HHH’s balls into the post. Get Stephanie stat!

Missile dropkick gets two as the ankle is ok enough for that I guess. Quick belly to belly gets two. Enziguri puts HHH down but it reinjures the ankle and down goes Owen. The delay allows HHH to kick out before the three. Rana is blocked into a powerbomb for two for HHH. Chyna keeps trying to interfere as Owen gets a cross body for two.

Pedigree is blocked into another Sharpshooter attempt but Owen manages to fall on the little Pedigrees again for two. Owen lowers his head again and almost gets caught in the Pedigree again. Instead it’s reversed into the Sharpshooter but Chyna is able to pull HHH to the ropes even with Sarge out there. That’s rather impressive. Chyna gets some white powder from somewhere (read as Waltman) and throws it in Slaughter’s eyes. A low blow to Owen lets HHH hit the Pedigree to end it.

Rating: B-. This was a pretty solid match but they needed a few more minutes. Also the cheating at the end made the Slaughter aspect completely pointless. It’s good but there’s just not enough there to warrant a higher grade. I liked it though as Owen and HHH were both good in the ring with HHH being a shell of what he would become.

Chyna beats up Slaughter post match to a big pop just because she can.

Apparently we have some technical difficulties as Vince should be checked for a heart attack. I didn’t notice anything.

We recap Sable vs. Mero with him being starved for attention while Sable became a star. He got Goldust and Luna to help him in some weird way. This was one of the weirder angles in the early Attitude Era which is saying a lot. Luna wanted to make Sable ugly and Mero defended her, bringing Goldie into it. This takes like three minutes to explain.

Marc Mero/Sable vs. Luna and Goldust

Oh he’s the Artist Formerly Known as Goldust here. I lay corrected. Mero is a boxer character here which mirrors his real life background. Goldie is of course dressed in a ridiculous outfit. Sable and Luna want to start us off. Sable is about as clueless as you could ask for. Remember that as I’ll get back to it later. Actually the guys start us off as the genders have to match here.

Off to the women as Sable gets a loud pop. Luna runs and the chase is on. Luna gets back in the ring and tags out so it’s back to the men. Mero backdrops Goldust and it’s off to Sable and Luna. Luna of course hides again like the heel she is so it’s back to Mero and Goldie again. You may notice Sable is doing NOTHING here.

Goldust gets a clothesline out of the corner to put Mero down and take over for a bit. Both guys go for cross bodies and it’s Goldust taking over again. The fans want Sable and I can’t say I blame them. She does look good here. Sable finally comes in to fight Luna and hammers away. She’s incredibly sloppy and fires “martial arts” kicks. Goldie gets drilled also and Luna is reeling.

She manages to get the tag off to Goldie so Sable hits him too. Mero beats on Goldust on the floor but can’t get a slingshot splash to come back in. Sable distracts the referee and Mero gets a low blow. TKO is countered into a DDT for two. Curtain call is reversed and Mero gets a running knee lift and a moonsault press for two. Top rope rana gets two and a rollup from heel miscommunication does the same.

TKO isn’t as crisp as it should be but Luna saves. Sable tags herself in and tries to pin Goldust. Luna misses a splash and Sable debuts her powerbomb to get two. See, for a big move like that it should END THE MATCH. Instead she ends it a few seconds later with a bad TKO.

Rating: C. Not a bad match here considering the star was Sable and Mero vs. Goldust was the core of this. While the did the lifting here, that still gives us the logical conclusion. Of course Sable gets the glory here by being told she’s such a great wrestler. This led to a somewhat sad story actually. After this match, Luna, a long since established veteran, claims that Sable refused to learn how to take bumps and would only get punched or slapped while Luna did all the work.

After the match, Sable was congratulated by everyone while Luna was left completely alone, with the exception of one person telling her she did well: Owen Hart. If you watch the match, you can see that Sable is completely clueless and is only able to do the two big moves that she knew. Other than that it’s all Luna. Also, Luna had always wanted to be the Women’s Champion, yet never got it because of Sable. A very sad story to me.

Jeff Jarrett and that woman from the Rock interview are presented to the crowd in a total waste of time. Oh and Tennessee Lee, the promoter of Jeff Jarrett, introduces them. He’s more famous as Colonel Robert Parker in WCW. Thank goodness the Nation of Domination’s music plays to hurry this along.

Intercontinental Title: The Rock vs. Ken Shamrock

This was an interesting little feud here. Shamrock was built up to be this fighting machine that had Rock’s number. Recently, Rock had gotten under Farooq’s, the leader of the Nation, skin, claiming that he, the Rock, was the reason for the group’s success. Four members of the Nation including the Rock are at ringside to face Shamrock. God that woman’s voice is annoying. Flowers is doing the announcing if you didn’t get that.

Shamrock really was sweet at what he did. He knew how to fight and he made sure you knew it. While never a great wrestler, he was completely legit and it made him that much more impressive sounding. Rock’s heritage is explained for the ten thousandth time, without it once being explained why his last name was Maivia and his father’s last name was Johnson.

It’s so weird because I’m watching Raw leading up to this as well as this show today so it’s kind of intriguing to see every little bit that set this up. Shamrock had been owning Rock recently and had let Rock get a clean chairshot which would get them fired today. Also Rock hit Farrooq with a chair for no apparent reason.

Shamrock sprints to the ring and it’s on. Rock ducks a lot of punches but gets kicked in the head to take him down. If Rock gets disqualified he loses the title. After some brawling on the floor it’s back in the ring and all Shamrock. The Nation interferes a bit to give Rock control as he sends Shamrock into the steps.

People’s Elbow isn’t quite of the people yet but it’s still good for two. Shamrock is up quickly, likely because it’s just an elbow. Rock is sent to the floor one more time and Shamrock grabs a chair. He shoves the referee down and Rock gets a BIG chair shot to the head for two. That was absolutely sick and is a great example of why those can be a bad thing. Shamrock does his usual stuff, grabs the ankle lock (yes, KEN SHAMROCK brought it to American pro wrestling, not Kurt Angle) for the quick tap to win the title!

Rating: C+. This was very quick but it did the job it was supposed to. Shamrock looked like an animal here and he massacred Rock with relative ease. When it was one on one Rock was completely overmatched and had to cheat to get anything going. The quick tap out was nice also.

Post match the Nation attacks and Shamrock fights them all off. Shamrock grabs the ankle lock again as Farrooq comes down. He looks at Rock and just walks away, more or less turning face. Shamrock grabs the hold again as referees and officials come down. They get their beatings too and Rock is taken out on a stretcher.

Shamrock’s eyes are FREAKY. Due to the beatings, the decision is reversed and Rock keeps the title. He goes after Rock and beats on him even more. Rock wouldn’t lose the title until August at Summerslam and Shamrock wouldn’t get it until October.

The WWF guys say they’re real athletes, which is true.

There’s a gate record tonight as there has never been a more lucrative event in this city. I find that hard to believe with Patriot games or Red Sox games.

Tag Titles: Cactus Jack/Chainsaw Charlie vs. New Ago Outlaws

The backstory here is simple. Jack was feuding with the Outlaws and got tired of getting beaten up, so he got his friend Charlie, a.k.a. Terry Funk to help him. Eventually the Outlaws threw them in a dumpster and threw them off the stage. This match for the tag titles is the result of that act. It’s dumpster match which means you have to put both guys in the dumpster.

Road Dogg is getting the entrance there but doesn’t quite have it yet since they’re not in DX yet. There’s a dumpster at ringside. This is far more of a brawl than a match as you would expect. They hit the floor immediately and the beating is on. It’s Cactus vs. Road Dogg and Funk vs. Gunn. Cactus tries a flip at Road Dogg but bounces off the dumpster instead.

The Outlaws are in control early and manage to get Funk into the dumpster. Roadie hits a Russian Leg Sweep to ram Cactus’ head into the dumpster. That was SICK. The Outlaws slam the lids of the dumpster on the back of the heads of their challengers. Cactus is in the dumpster while Funk is abused. Both challengers are in now and Gunn celebrates but Cactus gets up and gets a double Mandible Claw. They couldn’t shut the lid so the match isn’t over.

Funk pops out of the dumpster with a cookie sheet to hammer away some more. Cactus and Funk take turns giving neckbreakers to Road Dogg as this is a total brawl. Cactus Elbow with a cookie sheet to Gunn on the floor. He looks for more toys and finds a ladder. Oh dear. Cactus and Billy climb it for no apparent reason and get launched into the dumpster.

They both get out but Funk is powerbombed into it by Billy. The Outlaws take Cactus to the back and we don’t have a camera there so we see some replays. Ah there’s a shot in the back with Cactus falling into everything. After being thrown into some massive soda bottles, Cactus finds a chair to even the odds. He puts both Outlaws on a forklift which Funk commandeers to put them in a dumpster to win the titles.

Rating: C+. Hard one to grade here as it was a total mess to say the least. That being said, the challengers worked VERY hard out there and it’s not like the Outlaws ever wrestled anyway. The ending would come into play the next night on raw as the Outlaws would get the decision overturned because they were put into the wrong dumpster. Later that night, the company just happened to have a steel cage handy so the titles were on the line in a cage match. DX interfered, giving the titles to the Outlaws, who finally joined DX.

Now we get to the real stuff on this card. This whole show was built around two matches: the WWF Title match, and this one right here. In what might have been the best booked “silly” feud of all time, the Undertaker was set to do battle with his brother Kane. My God this was built up perfectly. Sit back, because this is a long backstory.

After Paul Bearer betrayed Taker at Summerslam 96, Taker was going after him. Midway through the previous year when Taker was WWF Champion, he feuded with Mankind, managed by Bearer. During that feud, Bearer mentioned the name Kane. This drove Taker insane as he kept trying to cover up what this name meant. Finally Bearer revealed that it was Taker’s brother, and that Taker attempted to kill him.

This led to Bearer eventually saying that when Taker’s parents were killed in a fire, the Undertaker was the person that started the fire in an attempt to kill his parents. What wasn’t known was that his brother was in the house with them. Taker says that it was an accident and that he tried to rescue them but firefighters held him back. Bearer would go on to reveal that he was in fact Kane’s father.

This results in one of the worst beatings ever recorded on WWF television, but it ends with Paul saying that it’s the truth and that Kane told him, because Kane was still alive. Apparently Paul rescued him from the fire and cared for him for the last 20 years, which was unknown to Taker.

This was all revealed over a several month long period of time. Finally, in August, Taker was facing Shawn Michaels in the first ever Hell in a Cell match. Shawn gets one of the worst beatings of all time, but as Taker signals for the Tombstone, the lights go out and we hear organ music. An explosion goes off and a 7ft giant walks through the curtain, accompanied by Paul Bearer.

Taker is stunned as this man rips the door to the cage off and tombstones Taker, allowing Shawn to pin him. There was one key to this whole thing that made it work to me: for probably 3 months, you only heard about Kane. Until the night of the Cell match, you never saw him.

You didn’t know what he looked like, you didn’t know how he dressed, you didn’t know how big he was. You knew absolutely nothing at all but what you heard. All you knew was he was the Undertaker’s brother. After all the buildup you got about him, no matter what he looked like when you finally saw him, he was going to be awesome. That my friends, is how you build up a character.

Anyway, Kane of course wants to fight his brother. In the interest of ratings, Taker says no way. Kane begins just destroying people left and right, including two brothers named Matt and Jeff. They never did anything after that I don’t think. Kane would randomly run in and beat people up, all while begging the Undertaker to fight him.

He would come to the ring and beat up his brother, but Taker kept insisting he couldn’t fight his own flesh and blood. Kane punched him one night and raised him hand to do it again, but Taker blocked it. The crowd went nuts over him simply raising him arm. Taker didn’t fight back though and got beaten up again.

Finally, Taker and Shawn were feuding again, leading up to the Rumble. HHH kept interfering, but one night, out of absolutely nowhere, Kane helped his brother. That Sunday at the Rumble, Taker was gang attacked and Kane came out. However, he beat up his brother and shut him in the casket, costing him the match. Kane then locked it shut and set it on fire.

However, after this occurred, it was revealed that the casket was empty, prompting Paul Bearer to be absolutely terrified, knowing that Taker was still alive somewhere. Kane continued to ravage the company, until one night on Raw, the arena was covered by a blue light, and druids brought out a body on a pedestal. A bolt of lightning hit it, and the man on it rose up, revealing himself to be the Undertaker himself.

In a completely over the top yet still amazing promo, the Deadman said he will gain his revenge on his little brother, accepting his challenge for Wrestlemania. The next week on Raw, Kane was in the ring having called out his brother, yet instead Taker appeared on top of the titantron, talking about how Kane would feel his wrath. Taker then threw a lightning bolt at the stage, igniting a coffin that was standing up. Inside was an effigy of Kane, that began burning.

And that finally leads us to this. The video on the PPV took over five minutes so you know this was a long story.
Kane vs. The Undertaker

Before the match, Pete Rose appears, insulting Boston. Kane then comes out and tombstones Pete Rose, starting a three year running joke feud between the two which was rather funny in my eyes. This was kind of funny but went on too long. Rose sounds drunk too. Also, was there a need to make Kane a face for 8 seconds like that? Anyway, JR puts it just right: as Taker is about to appear, JR says, “This ovation will be not of this world.” He couldn’t’ have been more correct.

The fans all have their lighters out, they’re going crazy, Taker has a line of druids all holding up torches which he walks under, the lightning, the thunder, the smoke, and Taker dressed in his demonic attire. It was absolutely amazing looking and finally the pair face off in the middle of the ring. This is still the best entrance of his I’ve ever seen. This match might have the best build up I’ve ever seen, which is covering a lot of ground.

Taker’s offense is no sold to start which is going to be something you read a lot in this review. Kane launches him into the corner but Taker keeps moving. Almost all Taker so far. Short clothesline by Kane but Taker pops up. Kane gets him in a Tombstone position but rams him into the buckle instead. You have to remember this is maybe the fifth match Kane had in this gimmick, at least two of which had been squashes. This isn’t something he’s used to yet.

Kane takes over and we slow things WAY down. These two seem incapable of having a good match for some reason. Taker winds up on Kane’s shoulders so Kane shoves him face first into the mat. Well kind of as it didn’t go like it was supposed to but you get the idea.

Out to the floor now as Taker is dropped across the railing. Kane drops the steps on Taker’s back as Bearer has the referee. The steps make a big sound and hit the referee in the leg, yet somehow the referee doesn’t call a DQ. Makes sense right? Taker is apparently trying to get Kane to punch himself out. Chokeslam gets two as Kane pulls his brother up.

We hit the chinlock. Now let’s time this as it goes on for FAR too long overall. Yet again we get the beginning of the Streak wrong, saying it started at Mania 8 instead of 7. Minute and a half on this particular chinlock until Taker breaks it up. A clothesline puts the more successful one down and it’s back to the chinlock. Just a minute this time as Taker lifts Kane up and puts him on the apron.

A big boot finally puts Kane on the floor. Taker dives over the ropes but Kane casually steps to the side and lets Taker crash into the table. Top rope clothesline puts Taker down again for two. You ever notice that everyone manhandles Taker better than the previous guy he fought?

Out of nowhere Taker grabs a Tombstone but Kane reverses into one of his own for a long two count. The crowd is barely alive for this by the way. Taker starts firing punches in and a big shot takes Kane down. Big boot is blocked so Taker has to settle for the Chokeslam. Taker gets the Tombstone but KANE KICKS OUT. This was unheard of as I don’t think that had ever been done.

Kane pops up so Taker has to hit a second Tombstone which AGAIN only gets two. Bearer is clutching his chest as he curses Undertaker. Taker goes up and hits a top rope clothesline to put Kane down one more time. The THIRD Tombstone finally gets the pin as he hooks a leg and Kane kicked out at about 3.1.

Rating: D+. While not great from a technical standpoint, this match’s build up was out of this world. A fine example of the hype carrying a match rather than the in ring work. The streak is beginning to mean something now as it reaches 7-0, although I don’t think that’s mentioned for another three years. The match itself more or less sucked, but the buildup was there and enough to make it passable. Cut about 5 minutes out of this and it goes WAY up.

Kane beats up Taker with a chair post match including a Tombstone on it.

We recap Austin vs. Shawn. Basically there’s not much build up here. Austin won the Rumble and got the title shot. On Raw one night, Vince had Mike Tyson show up as a guest, but Austin got in his face, flipping him off and starting a fight. This is what planted the seeds for the Austin vs. McMahon war that went on for nearly two years. Tyson is named the enforcer referee for the title match, but joins DX in between. It was his involvement with Austin that is credited with putting the WWF over the top of WCW, so in the end this was a great move.
WWF World Title: Steve Austin vs. Shawn Michaels

If you didn’t get that, Mike Tyson is a guest referee and allegedly in Michaels’ pocket. Yep Austin is over. Austin and Tyson immediately get in each other’s faces. Tyson is actually the outside referee here which is probably better. He grabs at Austin’s foot just after the bell. As JR says, it don’t get no bigger than this. Austin flips Shawn off as we’re waiting around a bit before we get going.

Shawn scores with some fast punches and then runs like an intelligent lad. Here comes Austin though and we get the Heart Break Tights Lowering. Austin goes for the knee, I guess trying to get rid of Sweet Chin Music. Shawn, with his tights still down, gets backdropped onto DX on the floor.

HHH jumps Austin on the floor but the referee doesn’t disqualify Shawn due to it being too easy of a way out. HHH and Chyna are sent to the back to a huge pop. Austin beats up HHH by the band area because he can. Shawn drills him with a clothesline for hurting his life partner though as this is your standard Attitude Era brawl.

Back in the ring Shawn gets caught coming off the top and here comes Austin again. Flair flip in the corner and Shawn is more or less dead. Atomic drop gets two for the bald one. Austin knocks him off the apron and Shawn’s head smacks into the table. That looked sick. Austin hammers away and the elbow gets two.

We hit the chinlock as it’s clear Shawn is far weaker than he usually would be. Shawn fights back though and it’s time for the ring post. Austin pulls Shawn in and Shawn’s head rams the post instead. Nice and simple counter there. We hit the floor and Austin is sent into the crowd via a backdrop. Shawn pops him in the head with the bell which the referee didn’t see. Tyson did though and is like “I want a new rubber duckie. I’ll name it Albert and I can bite his head off in the tub!”

Back in the ring with Shawn dominating completely. He hammers away on Austin while Tyson cheers Shawn on. Shawn flips off the crowd and limps around the ring. Austin gets a kind of spear and hammers away. Shawn goes flying to the floor again and his back must just be dead. He gets the leg of Austin around the post though to reestablish his dominance.

Shawn works on the knee for a good while as he’s trying to take away the Stunner I guess. That makes sense. According to JR that’s what he’s doing at least. Austin gets knocked into the table by Shawn and Tyson throws him back in. Here’s the Figure Four from Shawn as he channels his inner other old crippled dude.

The hold goes on for a good while but Austin reverses and Shawn lets it go. Austin catapults him into the post for two and it’s time for a sleeper from Shawn. Naturally the referee is bumped and Austin hammers away. Shawn gets the forearm (minus the jump but I can accept that) and nips up.

Top rope elbow looks to kill Austin but there’s no striped shirt wearing referee. Shawn starts to tune up the band as his face looks horrible from the pain in his back. Austin ducks the kick, Shawn blocks the Stunner, Austin catches the kick, Stunner, Tyson slides in and Austin wins his first title! JR: “The Austin Era has begun.” Perfect description. Tyson puts on an Austin shirt and knocks Shawn the heck out to end the show.

Rating: B+. We all pretty much knew who was going to win here, but we watched to see how Tyson would play in and how Austin would do it. Looking back now and knowing how much pain Shawn was in because of his back, this match goes way up in impressiveness for me.

You can tell when Shawn is selling and when he’s in real pain and it’s good to see that despite Shawn being a complete jerk backstage, he would go out and perform despite the pain he was in. I don’t care how big of a jerk he was, that takes guts. This match pretty much comes down to who is going to hit their big move first.

The match itself is much better than I remember it being. That’s not saying much because I, like most people, barely remember it. We all know the ending and the buildup, but that’s about it. Good, underrated match.­

Overall Rating: B+. If there’s ever been a show where the torch was completely passed, you’re looking at it. Austin winning the title finally is as about as important of an event as you can possibly have in company history. It launched the WWF ahead of WCW in the war, although that wouldn’t be official for a few more weeks, and it was also the last time Shawn would wrestle for nearly 5 years.

However, even with the Taker match, the solid work elsewhere and only two bad matches, you really do have an all around solid show. It’s not great, but it’s certainly worth checking out. Skip the Light Heavyweight match and about five minutes of Taker/Kane and you’ll love the rest of it in theory.

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As you know, Lawrence Taylor, a football player, main evented the show against Bam Bam Bigelow.  Was that a good idea?In my mind, no.  It was probably the biggest match on the show but it should have had Shawn vs. Diesel going on last.  Their match was good and while not a classic, it was better than anything else on the show.  At the end of the day, it’s a wrestling show, not a celebrity show.

Thoughts?

Wrestlemania 11
Date: April 2, 1995
Location: Hartford Civic Center, Hartford, Connecticut
Attendance: 16,305
Commentators: Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler
America the Beautiful: Kathy Huey

Oh goodness, we did have to get to this eventually didn’t we? If you remember my review of WM 9 being the worst WM ever, I should have said it would be the worst for the next two years. This show is one of the most interesting in wrestling history from a reaction standpoint. From the fans’ perspective, this show is what’s played on a constant loop in the seventh circle of torment, minus the WWF Title match.

The number one issue I have right off the bat with this is that it’s from Hartford, Connecticut. Seriously, HARTFORD??? Wrestlemania has broadcast from New York, LA, Chicago, Toronto, Las Vegas, and now HARTFORD? It just doesn’t sound right. Another factor here is that there’s a whopping total of 7 matches. What’s the main event you ask?

Would it be Shawn Michaels getting his first WWF Title match since becoming a main eventer against his former bodyguard Diesel? Nope. We get Bam Bam Bigelow who was wrestling a clown last year against Lawrence Taylor, a former football player and current contestant on Dancing With The Stars. The sad thing is, I’m not making this up. The weird thing though is, this show allegedly brought the WWF back into the war with WCW.

The ratings were decent and it got the company the main stream exposure it’s looking for. Think of it like the modern day TNA: the hardcore wrestling fans like us mostly hate it, but the common fans eat it up. Go figure. Anyway, let’s get on with this so I can look for a hammer to apply to my head.

The opening video is about various Manias through the years which tends to be a theme in these opening videos.

Your celebrities this year are Pamela Anderson (actual celebrity), Jonathan Taylor Thomas (Randy on Home Improvement. Another child star that did nothing.), Jenny McCarthy (Mini-celebrity now, she was at the last SNME so points for that I guess), some guy from NYPD Blue, and Salt N Peppa, who hit on Bret Hart which just looks ridiculous. A special Olympian sings America the Beautiful, and it’s time for our first match.

Ok not quite yet as we get a very interesting chat from Vince and Jerry about what Wrestlemania is. You don’t get to hear that much from Vince. It’s short and sweet but it got the point across just fine. NOW on to the match.

Lex Luger/British Bulldog vs. The Blu Brothers

No that’s not a typo, it’s spelled Blu. These guys have the gimmick of being two incredibly hick brothers from the mountains. You know them better as D.O.A., the Harris Brothers, or those two big white bald guys that are in every promotion on the planet. My goodness how far has Lex fallen in a year? He’s going after the WWF Title and next year is curtain jerking in a tag match?

The twins are named Jacob and Eli in case you were so bored you were actually wondering. Lex and Davey go by the name the Allied Powers. That delayed vertical suplex by Davey never gets old. It’s nothing short of amazing. Definitely like the fact that Bulldog’s tights are about 3 sizes too small. Oh yeah we have a match to get to.

For some reason the Brothers come down second. The Brothers try to jump them which winds up in a pair of powerslams for them. Note that this is just a powerslam and not The Powerslam by Bulldog so it’s just a normal match. Bulldog is in trouble early on as the power of evil double teaming has him hurting.

A double big boot puts Bulldog down as Luger is just worthless on the apron here. The fans aren’t incredibly impressed. Jerry says that Bulldog has only lost once at Mania which isn’t true as he lost at both #3 and #4. Luger comes in and the fans pop just slightly. I guess the jump back to WCW was the right move indeed. Another powerslam gets no cover.

The loaded forearm gets two as the other twin makes the save. Uncle Zebekiah gets drilled and it’s Twin Magic time. One twin goes for a powerbomb/Piledriver but Luger makes a blind tag, allowing the Bulldog to hit a top rope sunset flip for the pin, prompting a fireworks display to go off.

Rating: D. Not bad, but just there. It’s nothing special at all and I’m not sure how many people really cared. The crowd was about as dead as I’ve ever heard for a Mania opener, and that’s including The Executioner vs. Santana back in 85. Wow I feel old for writing that. Anyway this was pretty bad and could have been on any Superstars show back in the day.

Jim Ross talks to the Uncle who says this is what they deserved for being in the big city. They pinned the wrong guy and that’s not the last you’ll see of the twins.

The NYPD Blue guy is with the Million Dollar Team (DiBiase’s stable of mostly jobbers) when he’s supposed to be in the dressing room of Pam Anderson but the mic doesn’t work. As an aside, during the show Lawler accidentally knocked some cords loose and he and Vince had to redo the entire commentary on the show from watching video. Due to that, the commentary you’ll hear on these matches isn’t live at all.

Lawler describes football as a game where eleven men spend hours trying to move a small object 100 yards, which is just like the post office. What that has to do with this is beyond me but it sounded good at the time. Oh it’s about the NFL guys here for the main event.

Intercontinental Title: Jeff Jarrett vs. Razor Ramon

No real story here other than they’re feuding for no apparent reason. Jarrett is in his country music gimmick here and even the Fink sounds bored out of his mind here. Jarrett won the title at the Rumble thanks to the Roadie (Road Dogg in case you didn’t know that) interfering. 1-2-3 Kid and Ramon are in the back and say that Ramon is ready.

Razor was so over back then it’s insane. Vince makes a weird comment saying that Ramon knows where he is at all times. Not sure why that’s a compliment. Don’t most people know where they’re located? It’s either a Vince line or a rib that 3 people get. Razor is all over Jarrett to start this off. Jarrett hits the floor and Razor gets to shoot off his pyro. He gets about three covers in the first 2 minutes, all off punches.

Double J may have hurt his tooth. Rollup gets two for Razor. Roadie saves Jarrett from the Razor’s Edge and Jarrett tries to leave but the Kid is waiting in the aisle to stop that. Five minutes in and JJ’s biggest move has been a hard Irish whip. You know for all of his detractors, Jarrett can wrestle quite well. I’ve always wondered why he didn’t get the recognition as a star that he deserved.

Jarrett tries to get on offense but can’t get anything long term going at all. He gets thrown to the floor again as the crowd dies all over again. Jeff gets some dropkicks in and here comes the guy from Tennessee. We hit the chinlock and the fans get going a bit. At least it’s a fast one as Razor gets a backslide for two. Sleeper goes on Razor and again it lasts just a few seconds. Oh hey here’s another chinlock to keep us interested.

This match just isn’t flowing. It’s like they’re working move to move and it’s showing badly. In a really stupid looking sequence, they both hit the ropes and hit head to head. Then they get up and hit the ropes again and both punch each other. It’s more or less the same spot twice in a row. Just looked stupid. This referee is counting ridiculously fast too.

Fallaway slam gets two. Discus punch gets Jeff down. Can Razor do anything else besides punch and go for the Edge? Razor hurts his knee going for a top rope bulldog, which is the same knee that was hurt THREE MONTHS AGO at the Rumble. Of course it’s still sore. Why wouldn’t it be?

Figure four by Jarrett as the Roadie pulls on Jarrett’s arms for more leverage. I’ve always wondered about that. How does it make it hurt more? I love how Razor’s knee is hurt badly, yet he can pick a 230lb man up, sit him on the top rope and belly to back suplex him from it without his knee giving out.

He gets him up for the Razor’s Edge but Roadie chop blocks him for the DQ. Post match, all four men brawl. JR asks Jarrett about his cheating and Jarrett says he’ll always be the IC Champion. If by always he means until he jumps to WCW and then back to the WWF, loses to Chyna after being hit by a fish and then is banned from the company because Austin hated him, they yes he’ll always be champion.

Rating: D+. This was WAY too many punches and rest holds. These two have had far better matches before, such as at the Rumble. Razor probably had 90% of his offense from throwing punches. Jarrett wasn’t anywhere nearly as serious as he should have been at this point and that change wouldn’t come for many years. Definitely a weak match from them.

Since there was no audio earlier, let’s redo the exact movements from the interview earlier on. Pamela Anderson is nowhere to be found. Shawn and Sid say that Diesel is afraid.

Todd Pettingil gets in a 3 point stance with a football player and that’s all there is to this pointless bit.

The Undertaker vs. King Kong Bundy

This is the result of a mini feud with DiBiase and Kama over the Urn being stolen for about the 12^th time. A baseball umpire is refereeing the match for no apparent reason. Bundy charges straight at him to start but that gets him nowhere. Old School can’t take him down. A bunch of clotheslines finally put the bald man down.

Bundy knocks him to the floor and Taker gets the Urn back. Now of course Bundy is in big trouble as Taker is all ticked off. Here’s Kama (Godfather) to steal it back again. This is going as fast as I’m typing it so it’s not like I’m skipping over a ton of stuff. Taker grabs Kama’s face but Bundy makes the save and Kama escapes.

Ross grabs an interview with Kama who says he’s going to melt it down and make a chain out of it and put it around his neck, which he wound up doing. Bundy chokes away in the corner, showing off his vast array of offensive talents. This referee is rather bad at counting. Bearer plays cheerleader to try to get Taker out of a chinlock. Avalanche hits in the corner but Taker is no Special Delivery Jones so it has no effect. A slam and the jumping clothesline of all things end this.

Rating: F+. Oh man this was bad. Taker was completely lacking direction at this point and it was painfully obvious that they had no clue what to do with him. He would feud with Kama for a bit before feuding with King Mabel for a bit until FINALLY Mankind debuted to give Taker something to do long term. Terrible match.

Oh look, the NYPD Blue guy still can’t find Pamela Anderson. Steve McMichael says he’ll take down Kama. The rest of the All-Pro Team says they’ll take care of the Million Dollar Team. The NYPD Blue guy does find Jonathan Taylor Thomas beating Bob Backlund at chess though. I never thought I’d have to type that. Backlund’s rant about the world being screwed up is hilarious.

Tag Titles: Smoking Gunns vs. Owen Hart/???

Owen has a mystery partner here. The Smoking Gunns are a great example of the failure of tag wrestling during this time period. They were definitely talented, but absolutely no one cared about them. They’re practically forgotten but were one of the most successful tag teams from this time frame.

As you probably know, the partner is Yokozuna. Oddly enough the partner comes out before the Guns, the champions, do. This is of course about Bret somehow because Owen is completely obsessed with Bret. Yoko weighs a few tons by this point and is straight up waddling to the ring. The Gunns say they don’t care who the partner is. Billy with a mullet and a mustache is freaky looking.

More fireworks for the champions here. What’s with that tonight for the tag teams? Owen and Billy start us off. That’s the most talented combination out there I guess. Apparently Owen and Neidhart were eliminated from the tag tournament to determine the #1 contenders so this is a result of that. The Gunns work on the arm of Owen to start which lasts only a few seconds as it’s off to Yoko.

The leg drop misses and Yoko takes over again. And never mind as it’s back to Owen again. Cornette is yelling at the fans which is one of the more entertaining parts of the show. Double Russian legsweep to the Canadian by the American cowboys. Yoko gets sent to the floor as we’re in the Colossal Connection formula here: Owen does the vast majority of the work while Yoko is brought in as the heavy hitter.

Apparently Men on a Mission have turned heel on the Gunns. Riveting indeed and unfortunately it set up King Mabel. The Gunns hit a modified Sidewinder (side slam/legdrop combination) for two on Owen. Yoko comes in and gets the legdrop on the back of Billy’s head to more or less kill him. I’m surprised Yoko has been in the ring this long.

LONG nerve hold by Yoko on Billy to waste a lot of time. Yoko misses a legdrop and Bart comes in. Everything breaks down and Billy gets killed by a belly to belly from the fat man. Banzai Drop ends Billy and Owen gets the pin for the title, which might be his first in the company if that’s possible.

Rating: D+. Eh just a tag match here. The Gunns were boring beyond belief and Yoko was so fat that he could barely move at all. This was simply to have a title switch on the show much like the first show in the series. Boring match and somehow the best one so far I think if that’s possible.

Bigelow says he’ll destroy Lawrence Taylor. There was a Mania Work Out and they had a skirmish there too. This feud never really got going for me but the media actually paid attention so there’s that I guess. This interview takes forever and nothing special is said at all.

Bret Hart vs. Bob Backlund

This is an I Quit match with Roddy Piper as referee for no apparent reason. Vince says Roddy knows something about submission. What in the world would that be anyway? This was their second submission match technically as the other was a throw in the towel match that had to end in submission if I remember right. Piper would be Commissioner by the next Mania.

Backlund is more or less crazy here which was rather impressive given how completely different he used to be back in his glory days. I’m still mad about not getting Bret’s glasses when I was a kid. The annoying kid next to me got them. I did however get a Slaughter helmet. Bret gets a headbutt to start and the fight is on. Sharpshooter can’t go on early.

Vince doesn’t remember Piper losing to Bret at Mania 8. Some fan he is. Bret goes for the Sharpshooter again and can’t get it. You couldn’t tell that from Vince as he keeps changing his reaction every five seconds. “Yes! No. Yes! No.” Is he the Zodiac or something? Figure Four goes on but Backlund reverses it. Neither guy says they quit as we get a quick check-in with the German commentators for no apparent reason.

Bret works the knee again as this is rather boring. Piper needs to quit asking them if they quit so often. Backlund works on the arm as I try to find a good novel to read so I don’t have to watch this for awhile. Backlund hooks a Fujiwara armbar and Bret says No to Piper. That was a shocking line then apparently which is amusing given that in an I Quit match in 99 with HHH vs. Rock, HHH said Suck It when he was asked if he quit.

Backlund likes that armbar. Jerry talks about breaking into a pyramid (what the heck?) and seeing a picture of Stu Hart with a headlock on King Tut (where does he get these jokes from?). Sharpshooter almost goes on but Backlund gets to the ropes before it gets cinched in. Bret charges again and his shoulder hits the post to put him in real trouble.

There’s the Crossface Chickenwing and Bret is in trouble. And never mind as he casually reverses and gets a horrible version of it on Backlund for the submission. You know, from all that devastating work that he did on Backlund’s arm the whole time. This was an awful match if you didn’t get it.

Rating: F+. This was really bad. Backlund was just flat out too old to be a serious main event threat by this point and while Bret was sharp as ever, Bob just didn’t have it in him anymore. Bret has called it the worst match of his career and he might be right. Backlund’s I saw the Light thing led to an angle where he would run for President of all things. As you can guess, it went nowhere. Also, having a Bret match lack any and all psychology is very weird indeed.

Backlund is leaving and says he saw the light. This would mean he became a Presidential candidate.

Ok, the NYPD guy was annoying at first. Now he’s just making me mad. NO ONE CARES. They’re changing the celebrities around.

More audio issues as Todd tries to talk to Diesel. He finally says that he’s going to keep the title. He slips up when he’s trying to say if he’s going to regain or retain the title and finally screams HOLD ONTO IT. This was back when Nash was actually really good and got the reputation he’s lived off for years now.

Celebrities are introduced as Jerry Lawler reveals he accidentally unplugged some cords.

WWF Title: Shawn Michaels vs. Diesel

The deal was supposed to be McCarthy came out with Diesel and Anderson, who was viewed as ten times hotter and more important than McCarthy (hogwash) would come out with the Rumble winner, Shawn. For obvious reasons, this got reversed. The NYPD Blue guy is the ring announcer and he’s miles better at this than he is as an interviewer. He shouts almost everything he says and for the sake of this, it works really well.

The story here is Diesel was Shawn’s bodyguard but realized he was awesome on his own so he turned face and won the WWF Title. Sid replaced him as the bodyguard and the exact same thing would happen in about a year. Shawn has finally morphed into the character that would make him a legend by this point. As weird as this sounds, Diesel is a freaking beast at this point. Sweet intro, the music was cool, he has Pamela Anderson, just the complete look. What in the world happened to that? Anderson simply couldn’t want to be here less if her life depended on it.

Shawn hammers away to start as we’re already into the power vs. speed area. Diesel had been champion since a few days after Survivor Series so he had almost 7 more months with the title here. Diesel sends Shawn to the floor as we look at the ladies. Sid distracts the referee but Shawn can’t get in a shot on Diesel. Suplex puts Shawn down.

Back to the floor again as Sid and Diesel stare each other down one more time. Diesel counters a sunset flip as this is more or less one sided so far. Nash gets sent to the floor but Shawn Skins the Cat and dives down to crush Diesel. Baseball slide has the champion in trouble. We look at Anderson again and sweet goodness does she want to be anywhere else but here.

The fans loudly chant for Sid, thus proving that this entire match is booked wrong. Shawn hits a splash off the apron to the floor as Diesel is in trouble. Back in the ring Shawn stomps away and hits a bulldog for two. I’ve never liked that move at all. Reverse cross body off the middle rope gets two again. Shawn works on the arm and gets a LET’S GO SHAWN chant in his honor.

Ok make that he’s working on Diesel’s ribs. A top rope elbow to the back gets two in what is for some reason a highlight reel clip for Shawn. Never really have gotten why but it certainly is. Off to the chinlock now as the fans still like Shawn better. Diesel fights back and gets Snake Eyes to get some momentum going. Flair Flip in the corner and Shawn hits the floor again.

Nash follows and it’s time to see Shawn’s tights pulled down as is the tradition for big matches he’s in for no apparent reason. They slug it out on the floor and the referee twists his ankle getting down. I guess it wasn’t an Attitude Era thing. Back in the ring Shawn gets Sweet Chin Music but there’s no referee which would be a factor in Shawn’s reasoning as to why he lost.

It gets two and the fans boo loudly on the kickout. Sid goes to an old school heel move and rips off the turnbuckle pad. Diesel gets a suplex to avoid being rammed into it and both guys are down. Shawn gets an arm over him for a long two as the fans aren’t seeming to care much here.

In a slick counter, Diesel catches a bulldog off the middle rope in a side slam. Nice move. Shawn circles Diesel but gets his legs tripped from under him. Diesel goes old school with a slingshot into the exposed buckle. If only that had actually been where he landed, as Shawn’s head hit the middle buckle instead of the top one. Big boot and Jackknife end this anyway.

Rating: B. As you can tell, I really like this match. It’s not famous at all but it’s definitely solid all around. There was a story with the ribs, a controversy that would lead to rematches and a clean ending. The match also got enough time to put on something decent and it showed. Shawn was clearly coming into his own but still wanted to prove himself. Solid effort all around and a very good match. These two had some of the most forgotten great matches of all time and this is one of them for sure.

Shawn and Sid complain to Ross and say it’s not over, which it wasn’t. The celebrities celebrate with Diesel forever and Nash gets both chicks.

Shawn whines even more in the back.

Lawrence Taylor vs. Bam Bam Bigelow

If you have never seen a person die and you want to…actually if you want to I’d recommend psychiatric help. But anyway, right here you’re about to see a man’s career die right in front of your eyes.

Here it is. Let it be known throughout the universe and all the world, that the reason that WM 11 is called the worst WM of all time is this match and this angle right here. Here’s the idea: for those of you that don’t know, LT is one of the best football players of all time, bar none. He was at the Royal Rumble in the front row and Bigelow shoved him, leading to this.

Instead of the WWF Title being on the line in the main event of the biggest show of the year, we get a retired football player against a barely upper midcarder that was about 8 years past his prime. Do I even need to explain why this was a bad idea? Each man has a group of 5 supporters at ringside so it’s more or less a lumberjack match. Their entrances take the greater part of forever. Oh and Salt N Peppa sing LT to the ring.

Pat Patterson of all people is the referee. There are so many jokes I could make about that I don’t know where to start. This is by far and away the main event of the show which still makes my head shake. I used to complain that Lawrence couldn’t wrestle but that was the point I think: he wasn’t supposed to be able to wrestle but rather be able to fight.

Diesel had been showing him some stuff apparently. The bell hasn’t rung yet so we’re just hanging around and waiting to start. Patterson wants a handshake but Lawrence slaps Bigelow instead and it’s on. Taylor likes to throw forearms which makes sense as it’s a basic strike. Taylor sends him to the floor with Bigelow doing the majority of the work to get himself over the top.

Bigelow misses a corner splash and Taylor gets a belly to back for two. More forearms which keep working so naturally he keeps going with them. Taylor gets in the face of the Million Dollar Team as we’re still waiting on the big brawl between the guys on the floor. Lawrence gets caught on his way back in and now we get into the main part of the match.

They’re going very slow which is understandable here. Falling headbutt misses Taylor but he can’t capitalize and Bigelow takes over again. Boston Crab goes on which shifts into a sloppy half crab instead. Ok now it’s shifted into more or less Bigelow pulling on Taylor’s leg. This is a very different kind of match and not incredibly interesting.

The rope is finally grabbed and Taylor goes back to the forearms. A suplex gets Taylor out of trouble for a bit and both guys are down. Bigelow gets the advantage again and hits the Moonsault but hurts his knee, having to roll off. He covers shortly thereafter and gets two to ZERO reaction. I think the fans were confused or flat out didn’t care. Either way it’s not a good sign.

LT gets a gutwrench suplex that is called a Jackknife for two. Enziguri puts Taylor down again and this is really needing to end like now. Top rope headbutt gets two and a tiny reaction. Taylor makes his big comeback and hammers away with the forearms and now the crowd is getting into it. In the big spot of the match, LT goes to the middle rope and hits a flying forearm to get the pin. Taylor might have been hurt but he seems ok. DiBiase rips into Bigelow post match, setting up his failure of a face turn.

Rating: D+. Well they tried. I’ll give them that: they tried. For the life of me I don’t get why this is what they closed the show with. Well actually I do as it was certainly the biggest match, but it shouldn’t have been if that makes sense. Taylor’s offense made sense as he kept at it with the forearms, but the match didn’t work for the most part. Still though, not completely unwatchable but not incredibly good.

Overall Rating: F+. Yeah this show is still boring. It feels more like an In Your House rather than what it should have been, which is the biggest show of the year. Shawn vs. Diesel is good and that’s about it. Everything else is completely forgettable to say the least and the main event is one of the biggest headscratchers of all time.

To give you an idea of how odd this show is, it runs less than two and a half hours. Think about that. Wrestlemania ran less than two and a half hours. The show was shockingly well received though and it got a solid buyrate for the time. It doesn’t hold up well at all and that’s what kills it. 95 simply wasn’t kind to PPV and this is probably the second worst show of the year, after Summerslam. Bad show.

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Monday Night Raw
Date: February 7, 2005
Location: Super Arena, Saitama, Japan
Attendance: 16,657
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

Yes, we’re actually in Japan for this. I was going to do Great American Bash 2000 but that turns out to be kind of hard to find so while I’m downloading it you get this requested show. I barely remember 2005 WWE to be honest but we’re approaching Mania 21 which wasn’t too bad. Cena and Batista would be on the rise at this point so there’s Big Dave to look forward to. Let’s get to it.

Union Underground brings us into this. I love that song.

Obviously this isn’t live but it was taped on Friday before the show.

This is listed from Tokyo so I’ll assume it’s a suburb or something.

Here’s Bischoff who is GM at the moment. He has a translator and the fans aren’t thrilled with him in the slightest. The translation is booed far louder than the English. Yes, the English that they didn’t understand at all is booed out of the building. HBK vs. Flair tonight so that’ll be good. Also Edge vs. HHH for the world title. But for an opener, here’s Jericho vs. Benoit in a submission match.

Chris Jericho vs. Chris Benoit

Yeah this works. No idea if there’s a story here but does it really matter? Apparently they had a tag title shot last week but lost and argued post match. They lock up and go to the floor with it as this is very intense right off the bat. They keep ramming heads together for a hard staredown and lock up again. Benoit works on the arm but Jericho grabs a Walls attempt which fails. Sharpshooter attempt has the same result and it’s a standoff.

Springboard dropkick by Jericho isn’t launched and they fight on the bottom rope but both crash to the floor as we take a break. Back with Benoit running over Jericho and adding a snap suplex. Jericho is bleeding from below the eye. Rolling Germans by the Canadian in Japan to the American (Jericho was born in New York remember) but Jericho busts out the Octopus of all things.

More Rolling Germans are countered into a half crab as Benoit is in trouble. Benoit gets the rope and tries the suplexes again but Jericho fights him off. Benoit is like oh son you done made me mad and BLASTS him in the back a few times and hits the Germans to set up the swan dive to the back. He dives in for a Crossface but Jericho escapes and takes him down with a clothesline. Lionsault misses but Jericho intentionally misses and grabs the Walls.

Benoit gets a shot in to block that but it’s a slingshot into the corner. Benoit fights out of that and there’s the Crossface but it’s more of a chinlock than the regular grip. Still not enough to end it though as the other Chris manages to get to the rope so we’re not done yet. Walls don’t work because of the arm and Benoit kicking him in the face and there’s the Crossface again, still with the chinlock but a lot more torque, this time enough for the tap.

Rating: B. Oh come on it’s Benoit vs. Jericho on a stage where they intentionally want to look awesome. What were you expecting them to do? Sleepwalk through it? Naturally very good match between these two as they wrestled each other so much that they could have a great match in their sleep, which always makes their great ones more impressive. Great opener to keep the crowd how.

The Divas are having a fashion show later.

Clips of the plane ride which must have taken forever.

Flair and HHH are getting ready and Flair says he’s awesome. Batista gets….Maven later. Oh joy. The first Raw from this year I’ve watched in a long time and I get Big Dave vs. Maven. HHH is worried about what Batista is going to do as far as Mania goes. Flair talks some sense into him as HHH is going to talk him into going to Smackdown so Evolution will have both titles.

Christian is giving an interview as to how he got the name Captain Charisma when they run into Stacy. The interviewer wants to talk to Orton and Christian isn’t that happy with it. Christian makes fun of him which is amusing since they’re feuding now. Christian is rather amusing here. He challenges Orton for later and Tomko is skeptical. Tomko shouldn’t worry though because the match is with Tomko, not Christian.

Ad for Wrestlemania, in this case HHH as Braveheart. I loved this campaign. Flair WOOing at a donkey is funny.

Maven vs. Batista

Maven is a cocky heel at this point and doesn’t get an entrance. What do you think is going to happen here? He’s mad he wasn’t in the Rumble and calls conspiracy. Cue Big Dave and this is exactly what you would expect. The run time is 32 seconds if you’re curious. These fans are losing their minds over a total squash. He really needs I Walk Alone which he would get soon after winning the title.

Big Show pops up on the screen and says he’s not worried about facing Batista at Mania. No real point to this as apparently it’s a running theme.

Batista yells at Bischoff in the back about it. He’s getting tired of Smackdown talking about him so Bischoff gives him a sales pitch about staying on Raw. The fans pop at the mention of Batista vs. HHH.

Raw Tag Titles: William Regal/Tajiri vs. La Resistance

Gee I wonder what’s going to happen here. Conway and Grenier here. The place ERUPTS for Tajiri who is all fired up here. Regal and Eugene were champions but Eugene is injured so Regal picked Tajiri as his new partner. Massive Tajiri chant starts up so Regal starts off with Conway. Regal Stretch goes on but it’s off to Tajiri who adds the low dropkick as the offense is on.

Regal plays Ricky Morton for a bit here despite getting some shots in to try to break the momentum. The fans chant something but it’s in Japanese. Grenier punches Tajiri so when Regal takes him down there’s no one to tag. STF is broken up quickly and there’s the hot tag to Tajiri who cleans house. Let the kicks begin! Enziguri hits Grenier for two as everything breaks down. Double handspring elbow takes out the French dudes and it’s Tarantula time. Regal takes Conway down and there’s the Green Mist and a Buzzsaw kick gives us new champions.

Rating: C+. The match totally doesn’t matter and is rated too high, but this is about giving the fans something to erupt for and that’s exactly what they did here. Tajiri and Regal would hold the belts about three months so this wasn’t just a fluke title reign. No problem at all with this and while it’s not great or anything, it was perfectly done as it made Tajiri look like a star.

Regal and Tajiri go into the crowd to celebrate.

We go over the HOF class for 2005 which was the second year that this was revived. Going in this year are Orndorff, Iron Sheik, Nikolai Volkoff, Bob Orton Jr. and Jimmy Hart. They say others will be named, which would include Piper and Hogan.

Ric Flair vs. Shawn Michaels

Can’t say they’re not giving them a big card tonight. Pretty much just a showcase match. Shawn’s pop is bigger. Flair elbows Shawn on a break in the corner to take over. They hit the floor and Shawn chops away. Backdrop has Flair moaning in agony. Back in and Flair begs off which gets a big reaction for some reason. They slug it out some more and it’s Flair Flop time. Shawn actually gets two off that and it’s time to work on the knee. Basic leg work follows and Flair loads up the Figure Four.

Shawn fights it for a bit and then reverses as this is about as basic of a match between these two as you could ask for. It’s fine and all but they’re going through the motions here. Rollup gets two for Shawn and the knee gives out again. Small package gets two as does a backslide. There’s an enziguri by Shawn and you know what’s next. Nip up but Flair tries to go up. Even the Japanese fans know that joke. Backdrop sets up the elbow which sets up Sweet Chin Music (with questionable selling by Shawn) for the clean pin. You can tell they weren’t going with much if it’s a clean pin like that.

Rating: C. It’s Flair vs. Michaels so it’s going to be solid at least. Very weak match from these two but the point was to allow the fans to see a pair of legends go out there and do their thing for an historic match. That’s what they did here and there’s really no reason to complain about it. Not exactly Mania 24, but still fine for what it was.

Time for an All-American Diva Fashion Show. Lawler of course hosts and I’m a bit surprised by this getting a big pop. Up first is Maria who is dressed as a western chick apparently. Victoria is a biker, meaning more or less a bikini and a leather jacket. Christy represents the beaches and is just in a bikini. Not complaining but is there a point to this?

Ah here it is as Simon Dean comes out to protest. He wants to use the time to pitch his Simon System of products to an international audience. An American sumo wrestler protests the jokes and then sits down. Simon says the girls are all fat and I think we can see where this is going rather quickly. Jerry defends the Divas and Simon busts out the Burger King line. The girls beat him up anyway and Lawler gets a group hug.

Evolution has a meeting where HHH tries to convince Dave to go to Smackdown. Dave says he’ll think about it and Flair/HHH aren’t thrilled with that idea but go along with it anyway. They have to focus Edge tonight though so they go to get ready for it.

Edge says he’s ready but is tired of being overlooked because of Evolution all the time. He’s a heel here but not a very good one yet.

Another video about the fans loving WWE. I’ll give them this: Japanese fans are passionate about their wrestling at a level American fans have never hoped of approaching.

Randy Orton vs. Tyson Tomko

Orton is still a face at this point but his heel turn to fight Undertake at Mania was coming incredibly soon. Orton doesn’t look like he had ringside seats to a nuclear explosion here and you can actually see his arms. Basic stuff to start until Christian drags Stacy, Orton’s current kind-of-girlfriend, down the aisle. Orton is also suffering from a concussion from the Rumble which was 8 days ago.

The distraction from Stacy being dragged out there allows Tomko to start hammering away. He pounds on Orton’s head as they’re playing up the head injury here. It’s not a bad one where he’s going insane or anything, but if it did that would explain a lot about his character from a few years ago. Orton fights back with the backbreaker but he’s stumbling a bit. He wants the RKO but gets dizzy when trying it. He settles for a rollup instead, which is a good ending since he got his concussion trying the RKO on HHH.

Rating: C-. Just a quick match here and there’s nothing wrong with that. They had to protect Orton’s head for the storyline so the ending was a good way of going about doing that. This was really just to advance Christian vs. Orton and again that’s just fine. Not a bad match or anything but pretty unremarkable.

Christian gives Orton the Unprettier (Killswitch) post match.

Orton was taken out during the break.

We recap the rest of the show so far, namely the title change.

Raw World Title: Edge vs. HHH

Edge tried to spear Shawn last week but speared the Game instead so there’s actually a point to this. They trade some technical stuff to start and it’s a standoff. We actually get a pinfall reversal sequence into a backslide which gets a LOUD gasp. HHH is showing off athleticism here which is rather shocking but if he can do it rock on dude. Edge’s shoulder goes into the post and then does it again.

Make it three times as who says HHH isn’t repetitive? We take a break and come back with Edge hitting a backbreaker for two. During the break HHH got sent up and over the corner and hurt his back so Edge hit a suplex on top of that. Facebuster stops Edge’s mini-comeback for two. Edge manages to get a missile dropkick for two. He gets a bit going but walks into a spinebuster.

Pedigree doesn’t work as the fans are definitely staying with this. Edge sets for the spear but remember he has a bad shoulder. Not that it matters as HHH gets a knee in for a close two also. Edgecator (kneeling Sharpshooter) goes on and HHH is in trouble. Rather back and forth match here. There’s a rope though as Flair plays cheerleader. Edge tries the hold again but HHH kicks him off.

Out of nowhere Edge misses the spear, taking out the referee. Neckbreaker puts HHH down but there’s no referee. Cue Flair with a chair but he gets speared also. Edge misses a chair shot to HHH and a suplex takes both guys down. They both crawl for the chair but Batista comes down and pulls it out of the ring, which HHH isn’t pleased with. HHH knocks Edge into Batista with unclear motives and a Pedigree is countered into the Edgecution. Edge wants the spear again but Batista kills him with a spinebuster. Pedigree finally ends this.

Rating: B-. This was pretty good actually as they had time and it advanced the story with Batista and HHH. I don’t think anyone thought the title was changing but at times having a guy like Edge go out there and have a long title match with the champion is a good thing. It spawned a PPV series called In Your House so it’s not that much of a stretch. Pretty good main event.

Batista and HHH celebrate but Batista looks at the title and HHH sees him so a staredown ends the show.

Overall Rating: B+. This was a very good show overall with a white hot crowd all night. Very interesting that for their own product they’re silent most of the time yet here they were barely quiet all night. Anyway this was an awesome show as they had a spectacle in Flair vs. Shawn, a good main event and a title change, plus Benoit vs. Jericho. I had a good time with this show and it goes to show you what they can do when they let good wrestlers have time. Shame that didn’t happen often in 2005.

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Royal Rumble 2010
Date: January 31, 2010
Location: Phillips Arena, Atlanta, Georgia
Commentators: Michael Cole, Matt Striker, Jerry Lawler

First off, love that announcing trio. Having 6 guys was WAY too much for PPVs. I’m excited for this Rumble. Yes the title matches are easy to see, but that doesn’t mean they’ll be bad. Sometimes you need predictable matches and this is one of them. The matches look good on paper and the build was all there. The Rumble winner is pretty up in the air actually. That being said the show is starting so it’s time to shut up. Actually it isn’t but you get the point. Let’s get to it.

The video is what you would expect: a look back. Basic but well done as usual.

ECW Title: Ezekiel Jackson vs. Christian

They’ve built this up great as it finally feels like the night Christian is going down. I’m not so sure though. Jackson is a freaking scary man indeed. My stream is choppy so this is kind of like a fast moving slide show mixed with good audio. There goes Regal after a few minutes. Striker talks too fast at times. Cole sounds sick or something. We hit the formula based stuff which is likely the best way to do this.

Since Jackson is still limited in the ring, it’s probably best to have him be carried by the far more experienced and better Christian. We’re in our second chinlock of the match already. Seriously Striker: CALM DOWN! Christian hits the jumping reverse elbow making him awesome. And then he does those stupid claps to take that away. “Hmm, I have him down and I’ve walked around in a circle so he doesn’t know where he is.

I’ll clap since that doesn’t give him a tip at all.” Jackson hits a big clothesline and we get LARIOTO from Striker. Jackson is really limited. Like Monty Brown levels of limited. I love that slingshot kick that Christian does in the corner. Why should I care about who last won the title where? No one says a word and Striker says nothing? That’s very amusing. Sleeper time. And there’s the Killswitch out of freaking nowhere for the pin. What the heck was that???

Rating: C+. This was your run of the mill big man vs. little man and the more I think about it the more I like the ending. Christian couldn’t hang with Zeke going head to head so he stopped trying to and got a quick win. I actually like that one.

Cryme Tyme both want to be in the Rumble but only one spot is available. Apparently they’ve managed to trade Khali’s spot for a kiss from Tiffany. Apparently not. Gender stereotype humor fails and Khali imitates Urkel. Shad is almost able to look eye to eye with Khali. This is so stupid. Miz comes in and Teddy, who has no authority on this show, makes the US Title match.

Rhodes sucks up to Orton and throws Ted under the bus. I’d bet on the same thing happening later with Ted,

US Title: MVP vs. The Miz

Talk about two guys that have gone in completely opposite directions. Miz used to look like a joke and is now awesome and MVP used to look awesome and now is a borderline joke. Something tells me he’s winning tonight though. MVP was US Champion what, back in 2007 and he’s still in the same place how long later? There’s a big MIZ IS AWESOME chant. Or was it AWFUL? Either one is a good sign.

MVP is all over him to start which points to Miz hanging onto the belt. Ok, we get it: MVP hung out with some chick from The View. It means nothing at all. Ah there we go. Miz is back now. He’s grown more than anyone else I’ve ever seen in the past two years. We get it also: MVP used to be in prison. Let it die already. MVP is just a failure as a face. His character is designed to be a heel but we can’t have street wise heels that look like stereotypes of course.

Ok, so MVP hits a face crusher and literally 12 seconds later the Ballin Elbow hits. Are we supposed to believe that Miz isn’t going to get up in that amount of time? Seriously? There’s a Pounce from MVP and called so much by Striker. Oh, period. Wouldn’t want to forget that.

I actually don’t know who’s going to win here which is rare in matches like these but it’s a nice plus. And Miz hits a rollup as MVP is getting back in for the pin. And that’s what he needs: wins, even by fluke, that are clean. MVP attacks him after the match and is heavily booed. Please let that be a heel turn. Cole implies it’s not. Dang it.

Rating: B-. Not bad at all. The ending was great here as it literally came out of nowhere. Miz needs more wins like these but it gives him more and more credibility every time which is what his character needs at the moment. I haven’t seen them get a character’s development much better than his in a LONG time and I’m loving it.

Jericho and Show continue their bromance. R-Truth laughs at Jericho and says it’s every man for himself. It’s better than it sounds but it’s still dumb.

Orton is walking. Yes indeed he is. And there’s Ted to say he’s here for him. No Cody in sight though and I was right with my prediction.

Ad for Raw. I love that they feel the need to advertise a show that you likely would have had to see in order to buy this show.

Soldiers are here. Oh they’re from the National Guard.

Raw World Title: Sheamus vs. Randy Orton

And the champion comes out first for no apparent reason. Sheamus is another character that has gotten a solid push from nowhere and I’m liking it. It’s working bette than Bradshaw’s when they did the same thing and I think that’s because there’s nothing of his past to compare it to. Bradshaw had nothing to go off of in the main event either but we had known him for years and he sucked. Orton gets a bit of a pop.

Please: give him a face title run. It could work. A heel vs. heel title match isn’t something I would have guessed on but it should be awesome. I’m pulling for the Irish dude just to prevent anything resembling Orton vs. HHH or Cena again. We get the big match intros too. Orton gets a straight up face pop. Sheamus gets heat but it’s mild. Still though, likely his best ever. It’s weird seeing Orton not being taller.

Sheamus is getting a bit of heat here. I like it. MASSIVE Randy chant. The fans Vince. LISTEN TO THEM. Yep, he’s wrestling life a face too. Sheamus is dominating here as he should. I’m glad they never went anywhere with the kick he gave Lawler. Orton goes for the knee which makes a lot of sense here. There has been talk of Sheamus holding the belt until Mania. I like it. We’ve begged for a new main event guy and we’ve gotten one.

Giving him a long reign is making him far more credible as a champion and main event player. It’s a brilliant move and I think it’s working. Orton STAYS ON THE KNEE! Oh blessed psychology how I love you! Sheamus works on the arm of all things. It’s different if nothing else. There’s the stupid boo/yay thing. Fans are more or less completely behind Orton which is something Vince needs to listen to.

Sheamus goes for the Razor’s Edge but his knee gives out. See what psychology can do for you? Orton hits that elevated DDT that is varying degrees of awesome. They’re trying so hard to have him be heel in this and it’s failing epically. The Punt, which again is more of a freaking place kick but what do I know. Vince started the XFL so obviously he’s smarter than I am. It misses of course because that never hits on PPV for some reason.

Oh wait forgot HIAC. There’s likely a reason for that one. Rhodes runs in and attacks Sheamus but the RKO hits, meaning Sheamus keeps the belt. YES! Came out of nowhere but whatever. The fans are calling for the RKO on Rhodes but they settle for a choke instead. Ted comes down and gets that beating he deserves. Grr and there goes the stream again! Orton more or less fires them, HOPEFULLY turning face. And Sheamus kicks Orton in the head and everyone leaves him there. Not bad at all.

Rating: B. I liked this a lot more than I should have. The psychology was all working here and it played into the match later on which is nice. The DQ ending kind of sucked as I would have preferred Sheamus to get a pin but this worked just fine I think. Legacy is FINALLY over though which is the far more important thing.

We recap Mickie vs. McCool which is by far the best build to a match I’ve seen in years. It’s even better than the Mark Henry vs. Viscera match. Short version: McCool and Layla were saying that Mickie was fat and it led to this. It’s a lot better than it sounds, trust me.

Smackdown Women’s Title: Mickie James vs. Michelle McCool

I’m actually pumped for this thing if you can believe that. Odds are it’s going to suck but whatever. The video had Beth in it which implies she’ll be here tonight. Sweet goodness change Michelle’s music. I freak can’t stand it. McCool cuts a bad promo before the match. Mickie isn’t here apparently?

And here’s Layla in the fat suit. This was stupid Friday but cute I guess and now…never mind as Mickie is here. And it’s a 20 second match as Mickie freaking murders her. Ok then. And they bring out food and poor it on the heels. Good to know.

Rating: N/A. Not sure if I like this or not. Mickie dominating is good as it ends this quickly, but it feels flat otherwise. I think I like it though. Yeah let’s go with that.

Ad for Elimination Chamber. Yeah nothing says SPECIAL gimmick match more than two in one night baby!

We recap Rey vs. Taker, which more or less is Rey won a contender’s match and then Batista is a whiny man. Something tells me that’s your ending because he has muscles and therefore he’s a good wrestler, at least in Vince’s eyes.

Smackdown World Title: Undertaker vs. Rey Mysterio

They call this the biggest match in Rey’s career. Yep, far bigger than winning the title at Mania I’m sure. As bad as a champion that he is, that belt looks awesome on Taker’s waist. More big match intros which while they’re usually good, they kind of don’t work for Taker for some reason. This is likely to rock or suck with no real in between. This is like a wet dream for Vince: both guys are big faces so why wouldn’t this work?

Taker at 299 pounds sounds odd for some reason. Rey gets freaking launched to the floor but lands on his feet. Nice indeed. Taker has done maybe two moves and he’s put Rey on the floor twice. This is all Taker so far. Thankfully the 619 misses. Taker goes for the Tombstone but Rey uses the ancient Chinese principle of kicking his feet to get out of it. Taker of course messes up his knee because that’s all he can do in most matches anymore.

His hip is in a lot of legit pain at this point so it’s likely not a ton of acting. We get the Asai Moonsault for the Japanese fans out there. Taker’s chest looks the same as Michelle’s used to look like. I wonder if they got them done in the same place? They seem like they’re killing time, which screams BATISTA to me.

Surprisingly enough though it doesn’t come as Taker just more or less casually hits the Last Ride after countering a flippy. Where’s Norcal when I need him? Oh yeah at a bar with muscle guys.

Rating: C-. I wasn’t thrilled here at all. The only good thing was that there was a clean ending which was my main concern here. It’s two more old guys in the main event but at least they’re popular so that’s all I can ask for. Not awful, but underwhelming.

Shawn and Kane talk. HHH and Shawn talk. Greatness personified.

I freaking LOVE that video package about the numbers.

Royal Rumble

Dolph Ziggler is first and Evan Bourne is second. Ok then. And the Zig Zag hits a few minutes in. He pulls a Davey Boy Smith though and doesn’t make sure he goes over. The Shooting Star hits and Punk is third. With the roll he’s been on lately he needs a LONG run here. He starts off hot by throwing out both guys and has time to cut a promo. The heat is there, the look is there and the ability is there.

He has to job to the old guys though right? Number four is one of Cryme Tyme. Oh it’s JTG. Please….make it quick. Hey I got my wish! It lasted just a few seconds as we get our second promo of the night. I love Punk in case I didn’t make that clear. Fifth is Khali. Don’t you freaking put Punk out to this imbecile! You know they will though. Please, sacrifice Serena or something. I beg of you Vince, use your freaking brain.

Nope, Punk gets his head kickedin. Oh I get it: Khali is a “fun” character so that makes the idiocy ok. He gets the vice but it doesn’t last long enough and…Beth Phoenix is 6th? Well ok then. It’s different if nothing else. Beth gets picked up and placed on the apron where she kisses Khali before ELIMINATING HIM!! Punk hits her with the GTS after a brief skirmish. Didn’t see this coming. Seventh is Zach Ryder. This is odd indeed.

Beth is odd as we get some awesome music from Ryder. Punk tries to recruit Ryder and then hits him to MASSIVE face pops. He’s alone again as this is awesome. It’s another promo. Kane or Show will put him out soon enough. He says he’s better than whoever is next and you can smell the elimination coming from here. And it’s HHH. Bye Punk. Have fun in the belly of HHH’s ego. His intro takes the better part of ever so at least he’s consistent.

Hey Punk actually lasts until McIntyre is 9th. And HHH puts out Punk to get his ego up again. Yep, can’t have these young talented and over guys taking the place of guys like HHH. HHH is called the future of the company. That’s a scary thought. DiBiase is 10th. We’re 1/3 of the way through this. Oh great. Morrison is 11th. Nothing of note is happening at all. McIntyre takes Starship Pain and here’s HHH to take his head off anyway.

Kane is 12th, To recap it’s HHH, Kane, DiBiase, Morrison and McIntyre in there at the moment. The IC Title boys take a double chokeslam and it’s all Kane meaning he’ll be out soon or last a long time. And HHH saves DiBiase. Ok then. I guess the whole end your career thing is forgives. Cody Rhodes comes up on the monitor and Striker says it must be Rhodes. What would we do without you Matty? Legacy dominates…kind of. Morrison is acrobatic as all goodness.

Rhodes underrated in the ring. Striker says he’s the seed of the Dream. BAD FREAKING IMAGE MAN! Kane of course is moving and Cole can’t tell McIntyre and HHH apart. MVP is 14th. Miz jumps him in the aisle and blasts him with the belt. Know what would be nice now? A shot of the ring. Oh there it is. Morrison hits a SICK springboard spinkick to the head of McIntyre. MVP is taken out as I’m pretty sure HHH is going to win here.

My guess is Shawn vs. HHH somewhere down the line because of Shawn’s incessant ego. Carlito is 15th and apparently he’s interesting. Yeah that’s nosense if I’ve ever heard it. He hits a nice springboard reverse elbow to Legacy. That was nice. MVP will likely run in and attack Miz later. Nothing predictable at all there. HHH takes the Backstabber as do a lot of people. Holy crap he’s dominating. Sixteenth is Miz. Amazingly MVP doesn’t jump him. That’ll be next I guess.

The Skull Crushing Finale hits Carlito. The fans pop like a cherry pie for Miz vs. Morrison and here’s MVP to put himself and Miz out. Legacy has HHH in trouble and of course he doesn’t go out. Carlito hangs onto the rope and stays in. Number 17 is Matt Hardy to a huge pop. This crowd is awesome. To continue the trend he dominates and hits a bunch of people before Kane puts him out and Kane is out by HHH.

You really can see it coming. I hope I need glasses. Spinebusters all around. A hot crowd pops for him so that validates this I suppose. HBK is 18th and I think I feel a showdown of 1990 proportions coming. Rhodes and Carlito and DiBiase are gone. Ok we have Shawn, McIntyre, Morrison and HHH in there at the moment. Ok take out Morrison and the showdown is pretty clear.

Shawn has the second most eliminations in Rumble history apparently. Yep it’s showdown time and there’s the clock. It’ll be a jobber and…never mind it’s Cena. Vince the Survivor Series bombed with this main event so why wouldn’t this do it too? And of course he beats up DX. A double You Can’t See Me is booed to an extent. HHH stops an FU and takes a Pedigree AND HHH IS SUPERKICKED OUT OF THE FREAKING MATCH! I am STUNNED. TAKE THAT MELTZER!!!

Shelton is in now and I’m switching my bet to Cena. Shawn has put Shelton out like three years in a row or something. This is his eighth consecutive Rumble. Wow I wouldn’t have guessed that one. Cena ends Shawn’s streak and puts out Shelton. Holy Mania rematch Batman. Yoshi Tatsu is 21st. I like this guy for some reason. Of course Striker has a dumb name for him: the Poison Fist of the Pacific Rim. Cena dumps him in a few seconds and we’re back to Shawn and Cena.

Nothing overdone about that AT ALL is there? Ok Atlanta is allowed to do the WOOs. Big Show is 22nd. Show almost goes out but saves himself. Cena goes for an FU but it misses. Shawn has to skin the cat (what a name I tell you) because Chin Music misses. Mark Henry is 23rd. Well they’re having some big names in there at least. I still can’t get over HHH being out already. It’s a curveball if nothing else. Henry goes for a slam can can’t get it.

Why do I have a feeling he’s not the world’s strongest man? He gets the slam a bit later but then almost gets an FU. Masters is number 24. Have to have some jobbers I guess. He press slams Shawn and of course doesn’t throw him out. Instead he puts the Masterlock on Show and he gets tossed for it. Henry and Show go at it again as we have a clock. It’s R-Truth….AND HE PUTS OUT SHOW AND HENRY.

I guess there is a youth movement. It’s Truth, Cena and Michaels here. He shows his TNA connection by hitting Cena with the Stroke. The fans are chanting boring. This hasn’t been bad at all. Swagger is 26th as Norcal pops. This is his first Rumble. I wouldn’t have guessed that. Vader Bombs all around. NO! Stream went out! Never mind it’s back!

Kofi is 27th. There goes Truth. Jericho is 28th. Kofi put out Truth in case you were wondering. He follows that up by kicking the heck out of Shawn and then gets thrown by Cena. All three are down and here’s 29. HOLY CRAP IT’S EDGE! Ok it’s not really shocking but still cool moment. Oh yeah he’s a face. Just like he should be. Spears all around and we might not have a surefire winner now.

There goes Jericho and Edge is domination. Sweet the Edgecution is back! Fans are WAY into this. Shame Batista will be 30th. It would have made sense to just have it be Edge in at 30. Ok final four are Cena, Shawn, Batissta and Edge. Naturally Batista is dominating. Anyone of these guys could win. Edge spears him down and Cena FUs Edge so everyone is down. Shawn nips up to another great pop. That’s one of those moves that just plain works.

Shawn is dominating here and Striker screws up again by saying that Edge has had no vigor. Shawn is dominating here and this is exciting me. Cena gets kicked and si does Big Dave. Edge clotheslines Shawn to the apron and then gets superkicked back in. DAVE PUTS SHAWN OUT! The crowd just goes dead silent. That came from nowhere. This is wide freaking open at this point. WOW I haven’t heard a crowd die like that ever.

That…might not have been what was supposed to happen. He goes nuts an goes back in, beating up referees. Could this be a Shawn HEEL TURN??? I certainly freaking hope so. More referees come down as Shawn looks freaking crushed. Striker says this is heartbreaking (no pun intended I’m sure) as he says Shawn has never achieved this. If he means beating Taker he’s an idiot. He’s also never achieved a good buyrate but we’ll ignore that.

Ok so it’s Edge, Batista and Cena. Cena reverses the Batista Bomb and Batista reverses the FU and there goes Batista! This would suggest Edge winning but I’m not so sure. He sets for the spear with those great visuals of his and it misses of course. Cena goes for a clothesline and EDGE WINS IT! YEAH!

Take that people screaming this was going to be predicable! Love that ending, even though it’s the same thing they did with Cena but not as exciting/sweet. This is what we needed too: a FRESH face that is going to get some POPS. Great move all around and a great Rumble match.

Rating: A. Very solid Rumble here. Edge winning was a very pleasant shock and I liked it a lot. They had the star power in there tonight and no Santino or Duggan or jokes like that who are just going to waste time and spots. The formula works great when it clicks and this was no exception. I was bored until HHH got dumped but it wasn’t awful before that. Once he’s gone though, it’s straight through the roof. Very good Rumble and likely in the top five ever of them.

Overall Rating: A-. I was going back and forth between B- and C+. The whole show was indeed nothing great, but there was nothing that bad really. The right people won, for the most part they won clean, Orton is a face…I think, Shawn is snapping, Legacy is OVER, and Edge is back as a top level face.

This was a very good show and if you want to say it was predictable, let me know so I can laugh at you. Fun show and worth checking out, just don’t expect a classic. Edited: what the heck am I thinking? This show was great. A-.

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Great American Bash 2008
Date: July 20, 2008
Location: Nassau Coliseum, Uniondale, New York
Attendance: 12,454
Commentators: Jim Ross, Mick Foley, Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, Tazz, Mike Adamle

This is the last of the Bashes and the card looks pretty good. The main event is for the Smackdown Title and is one of the few big matches that never got a big time PPV main event slot: HHH defends against Edge. Other than that we have a parking lot brawl with JBL vs. Cena and Jericho vs. Michaels in a match where HBK’s eye is bad. Let’s get to it.

The opening video is about Vickie and Edge’s wedding. Edge them cheated on her with wedding planner Alicia Fox but this was ok I guess. The rest of the video is about the matches I mentioend.

Oh and this is officially the last show before PG began.

Smackdown Tag Titles: John Morrison/The Miz vs. Finlay/Hornswoggle vs. Jesse/Festus vs Curt Hawkins/Zack Ryder

Miz and Morrison are defending. Festus is Luke Gallows who freaks out at the sound of a bell. Jesse and Festus clear the ring so the champs send Horny in to fight him. Smart move guys. Horny wants to try it but instead dives through the ropes to take out the champ. Festus vs. Miz gets us going officially. Off to Jesse with the only world champion to be found in this match in trouble.

Morrison and Finlay come in and the Irishman is in trouble. Foley asks why you would tag into someone on another team since this is one fall to a finish. Miz and Morrison use various nefarious techniques to hurt Finley and it’s off to the chinlock. Miz and Morrison switch in and out twice and Finlay gets in a shot. I don’t think Hawkins and Ryder have been in yet and as I say that Ryder comes in to steal a pin attempt, getting two.

The former Edgeheads/Major Brothers hammer away on Finlay but he counters into the rolling fireman’s carry slam, whatever that was called. The Irish Club is brought in and I don’t know who got hit as Miz and Morrison ran in to break it up. Finlay gets in a shot on I think Hawkins and it’s off to Horny. Jesse tags himself in to beat on Hawkins. There’s the not hot tag to Festus and he cleans house. He and Jesse load up a rocket launcher but Ryder pulls Festus to the floor and Jesse gets slammed off the top. Hawkins pins Jesse for the surprise title win.

Rating: C-. Hey, you ever seen one of those multi team tag matches where not a lot really happens because there are so many teams that nothing can get going at all and no one is able to get anything going and the ending is a big mess with a team that didn’t do much stealing the win and it wasn’t bad but you’ve seen something just like it before? Well this was one of those matches.

US Title: Matt Hardy vs. Shelton Benjamin

Shelton is the Gold Standard and challenger. The announcers point out that no one has ever lost the title at the Bash and of course they treat it like the same show as the WCW incarnation. Shelton takes over with a headlock but Matt takes over with an armdrag of his own. A quick Pay Dirty (Little Jimmy) and Twist of Fate are both countered and Matt takes over again.

Matt tries to skin the cat but Shelton dropkicks him to the floor. Shelton rams him into the post to take over. The fans are into this and I presume they’re behind Hardy but I can’t really tell. It might be split. Matt tries a Side Effect but Shelton counters into an STO for two. The Dragon Whip looks to set up the Stinger Splash but Matt counters. Middle rope leg and sunset flip get two for Matt. Twist attempt is countered and Shelton looks for a middle rope belly to back superplex but Matt knocks him off. Moonsault gets knees and Pay Dirt gives Benjamin the title.

Rating: C-. This wasn’t bad but I really didn’t get into it. Matt was certainly better as a guy that was chasing the title rather than actually holding it. Matt would go on to win the ECW Title soon after this as Shelton would hold the US Title for like 8 months and then would just chill on ECW until being released in 2010.

On Monday, Punk said Batista saved him so that Batista would get his shot tonight because Punk is the easier victory. He says he’s not the biggest or the strongest or anything like that. He’s the man that proves everyone wrong, CM Punk, World Heavyweight Champion. I like that ending.

Here’s a video from Smackdown where HHH showed Edge cheating on Vickie with Fox (not yet a Diva).

ECW Title: Mark Henry vs. Tommy Dreamer

Henry is champion and Dreamer is challenging because he’s Tommy Dreamer and it’s the ECW Title. Oh Mike Adamle: how I forgot about you. Tony Atlas is with Henry here. Dreamer has Colin Delaney with him. Delaney is a jobber that Barry Horowitz would laugh at. Dreamer charges at Henry because he’s not that smart. Single leg fails miserably. Mark runs him down and this is pure dominance as expected. Henry steps on his face. That has to hurt.

Henry grabs the wrist and works on the arm for absolutely no logical reason. Dude YOU’RE MARK FREAKING HENRY! GO DESTROY A SMALL CITY! The fans correctly chant boring and I’d be doing it too….maybe. Now back to the arm. The fans try to cheer for Dreamer but he gets beaten even worse. A splash (called the World’s Strongest Slam by Adamle but corrected by Tazz) misses and here comes Dreamer. A neckbreaker gets two for Tommy. DDT puts Henry down but Atlas distracts. Dreamer goes after him and then goes up, where Delaney turns on him, shoving him off. The Slam ends this.

Rating: D-. What a boring match. Tazz freaking out over Delaney turning is kind of funny. This went nowhere at all and was a VERY boring match with Henry literally crushing him for most of the match, other than that weird arm stuff. Dreamer would beat up Delaney for awhile before they finally got rid of his worthless self.

We recap Shawn vs. Jericho. This is kind of a complicated one. So Shawn retired Flair at Mania and Batista was MAD about it. He demanded a match with Shawn and got it at Backlash. Jericho was referee for some reason. Shawn claimed to injure his knee and won anyway. Jericho had Shawn on the Highlight Reel and said Shawn faked it. Shawn denied it but Jericho persisted. Eventually Shawn admitted he was faking it but Jericho wanted more of a confession than that. It turned into them arguing about who was better and then Jericho accidentally (allegedly) injured Shawn’s eye. Shawn is coming back tonight.

Chris Jericho vs. Shawn Michaels

They stare each other down and here we go. It’s a slugout to start and Jericho controls early. Shawn may have bad ribs but he manages to get in a shot at Jericho’s knee to take over. There’s a reverse Figure Four and Jericho is in trouble early on. Jericho gets in a shot though and the springboard dropkick to the apron makes Shawn backflip on the apron and land on the floor.

Jericho works on the ribs but mixes in some face shots (remember the eye) to show some very nice psychology. Shawn hits the forearm and nips up but the kick is countered into the Walls. He manages to get the rope and fires another kick which is blocked as well. Clothesline gets two for Shawn. Shawn loads up the big elbow but Chris crotches him. Jericho loads up a superplex but gets knocked off and Shawn can hit the elbow.

Here’s Jericho flunkie Lance Cade who breaks up the superkick but Shawn manages to avoid a Codebreaker attempt. Jericho gets a rollup for two and is then promptly launched to the floor. Shawn goes up and tries a moonsault to take out both guys but mostly splits them to crash to the floor. That looked PAINFUL. Jericho pops him with an elbow and the eye is bleeding. Jericho turns into a shark, going after the eye.

Shawn is covered in blood quickly and just has his hands up to try to defend himself but Jericho goes right for the eye with punches. Cade even gets in a shot. Shawn keeps saying don’t stop it. Jericho rams in headbutts and Shawn is in big trouble. Out of NOWHERE Shawn grabs a Crossface but Jericho breaks it pretty quickly. There is blood all over Jericho and Shawn.

Shawn makes the referee promise not to stop it so Jericho hammers away even more. They check it again and Jericho asks if Shawn said keep it going. He’s told Shawn said yes so Jericho kicks him in the face. Even Jericho’s hair has blood on it. Chris traps Shawn’s eyes and shouts in his face as he gets in a bunch of unprotected shots until the referee finally stops it.

Rating: B. It was a great beating and a great example of how blood can help a match and visual a lot, but it didn’t quite reach epic levels, probably due to the ending just being a repeat of everything that had happened for the majority of the match. They would have better matches coming up, but this certainly wasn’t a bad one.

Shawn gets his eye checked post match to eat up some of the ton of time they have left on this show.

Edge is surprised when JR asks him how he feels. He says HHH has taken away his personal life and this is all he has left. All Edge can do is take the WWE Title.

Divas Title: Michelle McCool vs. Natalya

This is for the inaugural title and there’s probably some stupid tournament that set this up. Michelle takes her to the mat and speeds things up. Natalya takes over and hooks a surfboard but Michelle counters (impressively so) into a heel hook attempt which is countered. Nattie hooks the Sharpshooter but Michelle gets the ropes. A second attempt is countered into the heel hook and Michelle wins the title.

Rating: D. The joke here was that hopefully Michelle enjoyed the Undertaker semen that came with that belt. I’m not sure how much anyone cared or if anyone on the planet that didn’t work for WWE thinks there was a need for another female title, but they unified it…eventually, as in like two years later.

Jericho comes out to interrupt the celebration and says keep your ticket stubs because this was the night of Shawn’s last match. Shawn has a detached retina, meaning he’s finished.

We recap the Raw Title match. Punk won MITB and cashed in on Edge after Batista destroyed Edge to open a Raw. Batista I guess too offense to Punk winning the title that way and treated Punk like an easy challenger, which to be fair is how he’s been treated since.

Raw World Title: CM Punk vs. Batista

Punk looks like a kid. He has to stick and move to avoid the power game but Batista gets in a clothesline and boot for two. Batista gets sent to the floor and Punk hits a baseball slide. A suicide dive is mostly countered. I was at a house show about two weeks before this so I saw a lot of these spots before they happened here. Batista reverses a whip into the corner which Lawler calls a desperation move.

It’s amazing hearing Cole and Lawler as a decent commentary team. Cole is good at setting up King with softball questions to knock out of the park. Lawler needs someone to lead him in and then he can more than take care of himself on there. Batista hooks a camel clutch which is broken pretty quickly. There’s a leg lariat by Punk to send Big Dave to the floor. Top rope cross body gets two.

Punk goes for the corner knee but gets caught in a Bomb attempt. Batista takes him down and shakes the ropes. Here’s another try at the Bomb but he grabs the rope again. The corner knee hits and a GREAT high kick takes Big Dave down. Into the corner and Punk grabs the arm which he pulls back over the ropes. That looked cool. Punk hammers away but walks into a clothesline. A charge goes into the post and they head to the floor where Batista KILLS PUNK DEAD with a spinebuster. And here’s Kane for the DQ. Big Dave wins.

Rating: D+. I knew that ending was coming and I still rolled my eyes. This was getting to be something good, but at the end of the day Punk looked beaten and Kane came in. It’s REALLY not going to hurt Batista to go down to a rollup or something. Punk never really had a chance in this title reign and never lost the title. Hate that ending.

Wait…..HOW IS THAT A DOUBLE DQ???? KANE NEVER TOUCHE……oh screw it. Batista powerbombs Punk post match.

We recap Cena vs. JBL. JBL declared martial law because Punk was champion. He had private security carry Cena out. Cena and Cryme Tyme came out and helped Punk keep the title. This turned into the usual culture war of these two. A parking lot brawl was proposed and accepted. JBL attempted to run Cena over in one of the dumbest looking spots you’ll ever see. There was a camera in the car and from where Cena would have been sitting. Jibbles missed of course.

John Cena vs. John Bradshaw Layfield

This is in “the parking lot” and likely was taped earlier today for the most part. JBL is in a shirt and tie and has a crowbar. He takes the tie off at least. They have the circle of cars set up and a referee out there. Something metal hits the ground but we don’t know where it was from. Now a car turns on and Cena drives it at the car JBL is standing on. Ok now it’s on.

Cena chokes him with jumper cables. Then he slams a car hood on him. Now he jumps JBL’s balls. That would kind of, um, KILL HIM. Cena picks up an oil drum and chucks it at a car which JBL tries to escape in. Bradshaw gets in some shots but nothing significant. They knock a car door off. Cena went through it so JBL takes over. Powerbomb on a car gets two. Cena gets dropped on the top of a car for two.

Cena goes through a window and isn’t busted open. Did they hit the blood quota earlier or something? This is really dull by the way. Cena is knocked down then thrown into the back of a car and JBL goes to get a gas can out of his limo. He covers the car with the gas and throws a lighter on it. Uh yeah I’m done here. They put it out but JBL is stealing a forklift. Cena gets out and Bradshaw is mad.

They brawl even more and Cena takes over, throwing JBL into a car then into a car. Cena gets the forklift and spears the car. He lifts the car up and drives the forklift into the arena. JBL gets beaten up on the stage. There’s the Shuffle and Cena loads up the FU. Instead of flipping the fool like a clam shelled cellular phone, he walks towards the car and JBL escapes and throws Cena off the stage into the windshield for the pin.

Rating: N/A. This had nothing to do with wrestling. It was bad, whatever it was. They got WAY too ridiculous here and I’m sure the fans loved seeing a total of maybe three minutes of this live. They were setting up JBL as the next challenger to Punk and Cena moved onto Batista, but this was still bad.

We recap Edge vs. HHH. The whole wedding thing is recapped again but in greater detail. I think that’s about it to the story.

HHH says he regrets nothing.

Smackdown World Title: HHH vs. Edge

How this is used at the Bash and not Wrestlemania I’m not sure. Edge takes him down immediately and they head to the floor. HHH throws him into the barricade and a big forearm back in the ring puts Edge outside again. HHH misses a charge and Edge gets a breather. A quick spear by Edge takes Trips down but the Game hammers away. HHH is champion if I forgot to mention that. There hasn’t been a lot of sustained contact in this.

Edge rams him into the barricade and then the apron a few times. Now to the table. Off to a body scissors to work on the injured ribs. HHH escapes and pounds Edge about the head and shoulders. A Canadian dropkick puts HHH down but he comes back with right hands and a clothesline. Facebuster puts Edge on the floor but Edge slides in so he can miss a baseball slide.

Edgecution might have knocked HHH out on the floor but he manages to kick out back inside. Edge goes up but jumps into a slingshot and a DDT of HHH’s own. That’s still my favorite move. It only gets two here but it looked pretty good. Edge-O-Matic gets two. It’s the reverse X-Factor if no one has any idea what that is anymore.

Spear misses and HHH rolls him up for two. Edge kicks him in the head to put HHH right back down as we’re running low on time. Spinebuster takes Edge down but the Pedigree is countered by ramming HHH into the corner. Edge superplexes him down and here’s Alicia Fox. She tries to slid the title in to Edge but Vickie comes out and breaks it up. Now the girls fight in the ring and the fans seem into it. Edge accidentally spears Vickie which I think is what put her back in the wheelchair. The distraction lets the Pedigree end it.

Rating: B-. Good match but it felt kind of there. It’s good but it feels like an afterthought instead of a big time title match, which is what these two should be. Vickie and Alicia had to get into this because that was by far the bigger story and I’m more than ok with it, but it didn’t help the match seeming just there. It was good though.

Overall Rating: C. This was almost the same as the previous year’s but not quite as good from a wrestling perspective. The main event isn’t as good but the show wasn’t bad overall. 2008 was just kind of there as a year for WWE. They were getting some stuff together but it really wasn’t that great. Still though, this wasn’t bad but I’m never going to want to see it again, which happens a lot with these shows.

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Monday Night Raw
Date: February 27, 1995
Location: Macon Coliseum, Macon, Georgia
Attendance: 2,751
Commentators: Vince McMahon, Jim Cornette

This is (as close as I can tell given how messed up and screwy WWE is at a simple thing like counting) the 100th episode of Raw. With the 1000th episode coming in July, I thought it might be fun to look at every 100th episode and see how things have changed. Now it’s very possible this isn’t exactly the 100th but it’s close enough. Let’s get to it.

The opening opens us up.

Tonight we’re going to hear from Lawrence Taylor himself.

The announcers chat for a bit and that siren is getting old quickly.

Lex Luger talks about the big showdown with Tatanka tonight. This started back at Summerslam where Lex was supposed to have sold out to DiBiase but it was his friend Tatanka that did it. Tatanka has jumped Lex a few times and beat up Chief Jay Strongbow as well, which of course means war.

Lex Luger vs. Tatanka

Well you can’t say they’re keeping us waiting. This is when DiBiase and his Million Dollar Team had stolen the Undertaker’s urn. Strongbow comes out with Luger. It’s a chase to start and Tatanka chops him in the corner. Lex hammers away and Tatanka hides on the floor. After a lengthy stall out there, Tatanka comes back in to hammer away. Luger no sells all of that and Tatanka goes outside again.

This time though Tatanka uses the tights of Luger to pull him through the ropes and into the barricade so Tatanka can take over. Strongbow with the full headdress is a bit distracting. A chop gets two as we take a break. Back with the racial stereotype still in control. Off to a bearhug by Tatanka which looks like some high impact cuddling. Lex, could you at least look awake?

He fights out of it and hits a suplex and this slow match somehow gets even slower. Tatanka chops away in the corner but Lex veeeeeeeeeeeery slooooooooooooooowly Huuuuuulks Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuup. And now he grabs a sleeper. Are you kidding me? That used to be Strongbow’s finisher apparently so Tatanka is mad at him for not teaching it to Tatanka. The headdress is destroyed and Strongbow chops him.

Lex goes after Tatanka and takes over as we take a break. Back with Luger running over Tatanka and knocking him to the floor. Tatanka tries to walk out but Lex makes the stop. Tatanka tries to walk out again but fails AGAIN. Dude just run! Lex rams him into the buckle a bunch of times but has to stop DiBiase. Tatanka walks again and this time escapes for the countout.

Rating: D. This was like a lawnmower that kept sputtering when you pulled on the rope. It was trying to start but it kept dying every time. The constant attempts to run away and then they finally got it to work. That was kind of a letdown but the match was nothing to see in the first place. That’s almost half of the show too.

We get a clip from a battle royal on Superstars where Lawler was put out but landed on one foot. He hopped around the ring until Bret stomped on the foot on the floor.

Owen Hart vs. Larry Santo

Owen is pretty freshly out of the main event here and is still in the upper midcard. Cornette tries to tell us that Larry Santo is the son of El Santo. Santo works over the arm and Owen is having some issues to start. Larry walks into a spinwheel kick though and Owen takes over. It turns into a squash with Owen doing various painful things to Santo. A missile dropkick sets up the Sharpshooter for the tap out.

Rating: D. Just a quick squash here. Owen would I think hook up with Yokozuna soon after this to win the tag titles. He had just finished a nearly year long feud with Bret which was pretty awesome and made a couple classics in the process. Santo was a guy from SMW so no wonder Cornette had jokes about him.

Lawrence Taylor says he wasn’t being disrespectful to Bam Bam Bigelow. The idea is that at the Rumble, Bigelow and Tatanka had lost in the finals of a tag team title tournament and Taylor laughed in his face. Bigelow shoved him and this is the big Mania angle and was the main event. Taylor says he’s tired of seeing the footage. He says he’s still weighing his options and might fight him at Mania. Cornette wants to talk to Bigelow and brings him into the interview. Thank goodness because this was going nowhere. They talk trash and I Dream of Jeannie is mentioned. They’re going to meet at a cafe. This was awful.

Doink the Clown vs. Bob Cook

Cornette goes on an anti-clown rant as Dink comes in to be annoying. Dink interferes and this is just bad. It’s “comedy” don’t you know? Off to the arm as Vince talks about weight loss or something. Doink hammers on him a bit and wins with the Whoopee Cushion (seated senton splash from the top). Total squash.

Video on how Davey was in the Rumble #2 but lost to Shawn in the amazing finish. Somehow WWE.com declared this the greatest moment ever in the Rumble. There was another battle royal on Sunday and Michaels eliminated himself. Bulldog won the battle royal and next week they’re having a match.

Kama Mustafa vs. Ken Raper

What an awful last name! Can you imagine all the jokes he had to get? Imagine, being named after the dead dad in The Lion King. Kama pounds him down and we’re in another squash. He’s the Supreme Fighting Machine which means a striking master. Belly to belly sets up a modified STF to end this. Nothing, again.

Davey says he isn’t worried about Shawn and/or Sid next week.

They talk about the press conference tomorrow to wrap up the show.

Overall Rating: D-. The feature match was boring, the big promo was boring, the feature mach didn’t end anything, and the squashes were boring as well. Nothing to see at all here but it was the 100th episode (we think). Unfortunately this was an absolutely HORRIBLE time for the company as no one cared about anything. Bad show but thankfully we won’t be back here for a long time.

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Monday Night Raw
Date: January 20, 2003
Location: Dunkin Donuts Center, Providence, Rhode Island
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

This is another request and the last of the six straight Raws I decided to schedule in a row, probably due to head trauma of some sort. This is the night after the Rumble where Brock won and gets the shot at Angle at the PPV. Other than that, HHH is of course still world champion which he would hold for the greater part of eternity. This is a very bad year for WWE so I have no idea why someone would want to see this. Let’s get to it.

Here’s the required MLK video.

We open with Vince yelling at Eric and giving him 30 days to turn Raw around or he’s fired. This was from last week I presume. Bischoff wouldn’t get fired for like two and a half years. It’s implied that Shane will be made GM if Eric can’t do it. Eric has a bombshell for us tonight.

Raw is live, Across The Nation.

Here’s HHH to open things up, following what might have been the worst world title match in recorded history. JR has never seen anyone manhandle HHH like Steiner. If that means you’ve never seen a match that almost made the fans riot over how bad it was, I agree. HHH is too sore to do his pose. His eye is banged up pretty good. He asks the fans who the champ is and says that for those of you that didn’t see the Rumble, he is. Gee the big gold belt on your arm was so inconspicuous too. He went thirty minutes (more like 18 but it felt like 30 hours) and made Steiner look awful.

HHH does however bless us with the statement of there won’t be a rematch. Cue Steiner who says he’s here to finish what he started last night. That title is his and everyone knows it. He wants a rematch tonight. Oh dear. HHH would love to do it again tonight but he has a doctor’s note. Flair says if Steiner wants a match, he can have Batista. Big Dave comes out and Flair jumps Scott. Steiner throws them around and stares down Batista. Evolution was about two weeks away from fully forming so there’s no Orton.

Raw’s Tenth Anniversary is coming. Oh sweet Christmas. We’ll get to that atrocity someday.

Rob Van Dam vs. Jeff Hardy

Rob eliminated him last night to set this up. They do their usual acrobatics to start us off. Jeff gets some kind of jawbreaker and a dropkick to send Van Dam to the floor. He tries to run the railing but gets kicked in the ribs to break that up. Back in Jeff gets two off that leg trap pinning attempt of his. Whisper in the Wind gets two. Van Dam comes back with the rolling fireman’s carry and a middle rope moonsault for two. Five Star misses and Jeff hits a Codebreaker. Swanton gets two so Jeff tries a reverse Twist which is countered into the backslide for the pin by RVD.

Rating: C. Quick match here but it worked pretty well I thought. Jeff got frustrated when the Swanton didn’t work and he let the distraction catch up to him. RVD would be around the upper midcard for awhile and then would get put in a dark match at Mania, probably because he was getting too popular.

Post match, Hardy turns heel (I kid you not) and attacks RVD. This would last for about a month before everyone realized how stupid this was. Oh and Jeff got released. Yeah that happened too. He was released in April and wouldn’t be back for over three years.

Nowitski and Christian are in the back and Christian complains about Edge. Eric comes in and is asked about the surprise later. Eric won’t tell them. Nowitski thinks he knows but won’t tell Christian.

Steiner is in the back when Orton (with a lot of hair) makes fun of him for losing last night. He talks about his shoulder injury and Steiner chokes him.

Chief Morley talks to a referee about the Dudleys. He shows Nick Patrick some footage and wants an honest evaluation on Nick’s performance. The Dudleys cheated but Nick missed it. Nick says he made a mistake so Morely says there needs to be a public apology. Ok then.

We get a clip from last week where Morely (Val Venis) was beaten down by the Dudleys.

Here’s Morely (Worst theme music I’ve heard in YEARS) with Patrick. Nick officially apologizes so Morely says that it’s now time to reverse the decision. Patrick says that’s against company policy and he can’t do that. Morely says that means he has to call out the Dudleys right now. He demands the Dudleys forfeit the titles but D-Von says no, in slightly more colorful language.

Morely demands the belts and threatens them. Bubba says no. Morely says give them to me. Bubba says no. Morely tries to take it so D-Von decks him. Bubba says get the tables but Storm/Regal run in and put Bubba through it. Morely says ring the bell right now, because the titles are on the line.

Raw Tag Titles: Dudley Boys vs. William Regal/Lance Storm

It lasts 10 seconds and there are new champs. Great. Between the segment in the back, the commercial and this, this stuff got about 17 minutes. On the Dudleys, Morely, Regal and Storm. Seriously.

Trish Stratus/Hurricane vs. Victoria/Stevie Richards

Trish was named Diva of the Decade in a total joke recently before this. Victoria is Women’s Champion. The guys start off but it’s off to Victoria quickly. Trish comes in and this is pretty bad so far. Trish fires off some kicks and Victoria’s tights are rapidly coming down. Slingshot legdrop misses and it’s off to the boys again. Richards sets to DDT Trish but Hurricane kicks his head off and Stratusfaction ends Victoria. This went nowhere and was only around to set up the next Women’s Title match.

Eric tries to get ahold of Vince because the big announcement is next. He throws darts at a picture of Shane.

Sean O’Haire says church is stupid. Man this character could have been great, but then they sacrificed him for the sake of Piper, Hogan and Rikishi.

Here’s Eric. Now remember, he has 21 days left to turn Raw around or Shane gets his job. At the tenth anniversary of Raw he saw Austin as Superstar of the Decade and decided to bring him back to Raw because he hadn’t been seen in about six months. Eric talks about Austin walking out and says we’ve never heard his side of it yet. The presses on Raw Magazine have been stopped and Austin has the chance to tell his side of it. That isn’t the bombshell yet though. That would be that Austin is invited to the PPV….which is 34 days from today, which is longer than the 21 he has. I give up.

Booker T/Goldust vs. 3 Minute Warning

JR calls them 3 Count. They have Rico with them. Goldust starts with Jamal. They start off slow but Goldie speeds things up and brings in Booker. Jamal (Umaga) takes his head off with a clothesline but Booker comes back with a superkick. Back to Goldie who works on the arm. Rosey comes in and this is going nowhere. Back to Jamal and Goldie beats both of them up.

Shattered Dreams is broken up by a superkick and the Samoans take over. Goldie fights back again but gets caught in a chinlock. Powerslam gets two for Umaga. Off to Booker who cleans house with kicks but Rico pulls the ropes down to send Booker to the floor. A double DDT by Booker takes the Samoans down (oh give me a break. Learn your stereotypes already!). Everything breaks down and Jamal misses a top rope splash and the axe kick ends him.

Rating: D+. The match was ok, but it just came and went. There’s no story to it that I know of and it didn’t wasn’t anything great. That being said, I’ve seen worse and it could have been worse. The match was pretty pointless though, which was a bad trend around this time.

We recap the Jericho/Shawn thing last night. Jericho was #2 and cheated to eliminate Shawn, #1. Jericho eliminated 6 people until Shawn came back, jumped Jericho, and Test eliminated him.

Chris Jericho vs. Test

Stacy looks great at least. Jericho rants a bit before match about Shawn and all that jazz. Test is your good guy here and he hammers Test down to start with the power stuff. Jericho takes over and beats him down but Test avoids a charge in the corner to send Jericho’s shoulder into the post. Tilt-a-whirl and full nelson slams get two. Big boot misses and Jericho gets sent to the floor. Pumphandle slam out there is countered and Test goes shoulder first into the post. Jericho gets a chair but hits the post and Stacy. The match is stopped.

Rating: D. The match was just there for the finish which would somehow lead to a Test heel turn if my memory serves me right. Anyway, Jericho would get Shawn at Mania in a great match so that’s really all you can ask for. This wasn’t much though, which I mostly blame on Test and his lack of anything of note after about 2001.

They do the LONG ride to the back for Stacy with the terrified voices and there’s even a commercial in between. Test is crying. Oh boy.

From earlier today, Al Snow hypes the Tough Enough 3 finale this week. You can vote for one to be eliminated! The winners would be Matt Cappotelli and John Hennigan (Morrison). Matt was better.

We’re back and Stacy is STILL down. It’s been about ten minutes of her being taken out after a five minute match. Remember that this is after the 18 minute tag title thing earlier.

Flair fires up Batista.

Tommy Dreamer vs. D’Lo Brown

This is a Singapore Cane match. Dreamer is in a Shawn Michael shirt for no apparent reason. Teddy Long comes out with Brown and talks about racism. He rants about how Brown is in this match because he’s black and Dreamer was in the Rumble last night because he’s right. Dreamer hits him to start but breaks his cane against the post. Brown takes over and hits him in the back with the cane while shouting 400 years. Oh this is just painful. Tommy hits him with the stick but jumps into a stick show and Low Down for the pin.

Rating: F. Let me give you a little preview of what this would turn into. Teddy would form the group Thuggin N Buggin Enterprises and add Rodney Mack, Jazz, Mark Henry and Christopher Nowitski. Mack would issue, and I quote, Five Minute White Boy Challenges, where any white boy had five minutes to beat him. Goldberg took him up on one. Just guess how well this went over.

Nathan Jones is coming.

Batista vs. Scott Steiner

They ram into the ropes but neither can get control. Steiner hits a belly to belly….and here’s Orton for the DQ. This might have lasted 90 seconds.

The soon to be Evolution destroys Steiner to end the show.

Overall Rating: R. As in revoked, which is what has happened to the requesting privileges of whomever asked me to do this thing. I knew Raw from 2003 was bad, but OH MY GOODNESS this was an abomination. We had 18 minutes spent on Sean Freaking Morely, HHH and Steiner talking, and then 12 minutes on Stacy Keibler being taken out. And somehow, this year WOULD GET WORSE. Just horrible all around.

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Royal Rumble 2004
Date: January 25, 2004
Location: Wachovia Center, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Attendance: 17,289
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, Tazz, Michael Cole, Jonathan Coachman

So another year has passed and the only real change is that Evolution is running wild on Raw. Yeah, HHH is champion again, Benoit is still having great matches but getting nowhere with them, Brock still owns everything he’s in, and the Dudleys are still the only tag team worth anything. The levels of similarity between the two shows astounds me. Oh and Cena is now a face. Yeah that’s all I’ve got.

This really was a show that doesn’t mean much in the history of the company because nothing much happens. Shawn and HHH are going to have another classic in their endless series and Lesnar is having a match with Hardcore Holly of all people. Let that sink in for a bit before we start this up.

Naturally the opening video is about Shawn and HHH, because, you know, they’re more important than the match the show is named after. The whole thing is about roads which is fine but geez, could you be a bit more subtle next time? I didn’t really get what you were trying to talk about here.

Raw Tag Titles: Dudley Boys vs. Ric Flair/Batista

This is in the Evolution period so Flair thinks he’s a Horseman still I guess. It’s a tables match so at least we don’t have to worry about it lasting long. Evolution came in as champions here after having the belts stolen from them a month before. Oh and they’re 17 time champions here. They put Coach through a table on Raw in a pointless segment. Oh blast it they gave Batista a mic. Who thought this was a good idea at this point in his career?

The fight is on in the aisle, and I think Flair is on the verge of bleeding already. In a cool spot, Bubba is on one side of the ring and gets a table out. He slides it across the ring and it hits Batista on the floor on the other side of the ring. That was impressive. Seeing Dave with a lot of hair is just amusing. Flair is told to suck on that by Bubba which is an image I never want again. We go to a completely ranomd shot over the shoulders of the announcers. What the heck was the point of that?

The Dudleys hit that reverse neckbreaker that is always called a 3D by idiotic fans in the crowd. Shockingly, Flair is slammed off the top rope. Coach leaves for no apparent reason as Flair is about to get a 3D. He almost gets the What’s Up but Flair stops it. Batista puts D-Von through a table to end it. That was incredibly pointless.

Rating: C. It’s four and a half minutes long. How much of a rating could I actually give this thing? It was a way to give Evolution a bit more credibility as champions and that’s what it did. They lost them to RVD and Booker a few weeks later but whatever. This was fine for an opener I guess.

We go to the back and I have to take a break for a minute as Josh Matthews looks like a cross between Vanilla Ice and…something not associated with Vanilla Ice. I mean it’s just hilarious. Anyway, he’s with Cena who is a face now but he still raps. RVD interrupts him in a bizarre cameo. Cena was getting there but he wasn’t quite there yet.

We see a chair that’s reserved for Foley. This is in the middle of the angle where he was afraid of Orton and refused to fight him.

Cruiserweight Title: Rey Mysterio vs. Jamie Noble

Talk about two careers that have gone in completely opposite directions since this. Rey comes out first for no apparent reason. If Noble’s music was any more generic it would be off an American Idol winner’s CD. Oh yeah and Nidia, Noble’s girlfriend, has been blinded by Tajiri. It’s a fake, and if that surprises you I have to wonder why you’re here. Apparently Noble has been using her to help him win matches without her knowing about it.

Cole gets in the flat out stupid line of “Nidia looking on”. Cole, you are a plague upon mankind. Even Tazz calls him out for saying something stupid. How bad does that tell you he is? Nidia trips Noble “by mistake” and Rey gets a 619 and drops the dime for the win. Yeah that’s really all that happened. It’s a 3 minute match.

Rating: N/A. There’s more or less nothing here to grade so I can’t do it justice. The angle was stupid though and this is kind of insulting to the crusierweights. They give them 3 minutes for their title? Seriously, what’s the point in even having them out there? This was stupid and is a great example of why this division is considered a freaking joke.

So Chavo can’t stand Eddie because he’s jealous or something stupid like that.

Eddie Guerrero vs. Chavo Guerrero Jr.

I put Jr. because Chavo Sr. is with Chavo here. This was right before Eddie turned into the mega face and would become the most overrated wrestler in recent history. Yes Eddie was great, but you would think he was the second coming of Lou Thesz based on how much praise he got all of a sudden. He’s mad over here but still it’s annoying considering they’re still using his name in angles now.

Now in case you didn’t know that they grew up more or less as brothers, they’re going to let you know for the first time in the first two minutes. That should only be mentioned about 15 more times in the match. Oh and apparently Chavo hates Eddie now. I get that we have faces vs. heels, but this pro-Eddie stuff from Cole here is driving me insane. SHUT UP ALREADY. WE GET IT. In a funny spot, Chavo does Eddie’s dance thing and Eddie just flips him off. That was great.

Oh Eddie refuses to punch too. Chavo Sr., who is Eddie’s brother in case you can’t remember the family tree in your head, trips him to give Chavo the advantage. Since Chavo pales in the shadows of Eddie though, that lasts all of a second. Chavo steals Eddie’s sequence of moves, so Eddie follows it up by doing the exact same sequence. This allows for the frog splash to end it. That was just pointless. Eddie follows it up with a long beatdown of both Chavos to fill in some time.

Rating: C+. The wrestling here was quite good, but I still don’t get what was accomplished here. Eddie was just treading water at this point until less than a week later when he was launched into being number one contender for the Smackdown Title in a battle royal. This ended this mini feud so I guess that’s the point it served. I never liked Eddie vs. Chavo for some reason, but the wrestling was very solid.

Buy Mick Foley’s Greatest Hits and Misses. No you really should as it’s a cool set.

Benoit is in the back with Josh Matthews but Flair and Evolution interrupt him. If anyone can explain to me logically why Benoit was never made into the next big star of the Horsemen in WCW, I’ll get you a ham sandwich. They talk about Benoit being unable to win the big one, which more or less gives away the ending to the Rumble.

Since apparently I murdered a baby in a past life or something, we recap Bob Holly vs. Lesnar. It’s an even numbered year so it’s time to push him again. Holly fought Lesnar in 2002 and Lesnar messed up a powerbomb and it broke Holly’s neck. That apparently is what it takes for him to get a title shot. Holly kept jumping Brock and trying to hurt him with a full nelson. Yes, Hardcore Holly is getting a title shot at the Royal freaking Rumble. Just take me now.

Smackdown World Title: Brock Lesnar vs. Hardcore Holly

They announce Holly and that this is for the WWE Title and I expect Chimmel to just break up laughing. I mean seriously how could you keep a straight face announcing that? It’s amazing to think that Lesnar would be done with the WWE in three months. Holly jumps him before the match starts so the bell rings while Holly is waiting on Brock to get up. He misses a cross body, meaning that he was in control for all of two seconds of this match.

After that, it’s all Brock. I mean literally, four minutes have passed and Holly has been on defense since then. Tazz and Cole are really trying to make this sound like a legit match. They even say that Holly might be pound for pound the strongest guy in the company. That’s just completely stupid. Hey there’s offense! It’s a head slap and two punches and he’s down again. Also most of this is Brock with Holly on the mat in a hold.

He gets a slightly longer one here, even hitting his finisher, the Alabama Slam (think of a guy going for a sunset flip but not getting over and the guy he’s using it on grabbing his legs and slamming him back down to the mat). Naturally though he doesn’t cover but goes for the stupid submission and since that doesn’t work, the F5 ends this in like 6 minutes.

Rating: D-. This was a squash on PPV for the title. I can get the idea of having a throwaway feud that ends at the Rumble to set up the real feud at Mania, but this was just a waste of time. Serious, HARDCORE HOLLY is the best you can do? You couldn’t throw someone like Cena in there for a quick feud and title match that went 12 minutes or so? Vince loved Holly for some reason and refused to quit pushing him until he finally woke up and fired him.

We’re four matches into a six match card. The longest match so far: Eddie vs. Chavo at eight minutes and three seconds. I know I complain about PPVs being too much like a TV show but this is ridiculous.

HHH and Shawn are getting ready for their title match tonight. Of course it’s seven years in the making despite them feuding extensively since then. Basically this time Shawn had gotten a title shot in his home town and pinned HHH, but his shoulders were down too so HHH kept the belt.

That’s a great match that you should check out which I believe is on the Heartbreak and Triumph DVD. They go through the usual complaining about HHH taking Shawn’s spot after the injury and I want to beat myself with a rock. This highlight package literally goes on for almost four minutes. WE GET IT.

Raw World Title: Shawn Michaels vs. HHH

This is last man standing. From the beginning of the recap package to the bell was about seven and a half minutes. Shawn is finally back to looking like a pro wrestler instead of looking like a tiny man that he was in the Elimination Chamber. What’s the deal with announcers always misusing the word literally? Monsoon said they were literally hanging from the rafters and Lawler says they’re literally beating the heck out of each other. No, not really.

Ross follows that up with a line saying that Michaels made a calculated mistake. I just shake my head and move on. In a shocking turn of events, HHH works on Shawn’s back. Lawler goes on a limb and says that Shawn’s back might be healed SIX YEARS AFTER HE HURT IT. I love how they try to make it sound like Shawn left and then HHH was a big deal the next day. In reality it took about a year for him to get to the big time and another year and the Rock before anyone took him seriously.

Shawn hooks on a figure four and Ross manages to plug the recently released Flair DVD. If anyone has ever been a better or more hardworking salesman than Vince McMahon, I want to meet them and buy something from them. We’re already seeing the problem that exists in every Last Man Standing match: the first fifteen minutes or so mean nothing.

You can go do something else while waiting on that part to end. There will be some decent spots, but it’s simply not going to end during that amount of time. We move to the let’s dodge each other’s finishers which is clichéd but fine I guess.

Shawn goes to the apron and tries a reverse springboard cross body to the floor but eats table in a good looking spot. Since it’s a big match, Shawn is bleeding. I know he emulates Flair but come on now. Hey let’s get a chair since we haven’t had enough violence so far. Naturally Shawn is up in time because we haven’t had the big face comeback yet. In case you can’t tell, I’m not thrilled by this match. It’s ok, but nothing great.

Shawn blocks a Pedigree and slingshots HHH in front of the turnbuckle so HHH can jump to hit the post. Shawn kills him with the chair for an eight or so. Both guys are bleeding. Shawn nips up and the fans are into this if nothing else. He initiates his ending sequence which is just like what Bret Hart would do even though he’s nothing like Bret Hart right?

For the life of me, if Shawn wants to hit a big kick, WHY DOES HE STOMP THE MAT WHILE THE OTHER GUY IS GETTING UP??? That’s just freaking STUPID. Oh come on now. After Shawn gets low blowed, he hooks a sleeper. While it’s psychologically a good move, it’s the best way possible to kill a crowd dead. This match has been 80% punching and chopping.

This match is going on, but all of the clichéd spots like the long double count are just getting annoying. A Pedigree puts Shawn down again. He gets up and since he just took a big finisher he’s able to hit Sweet Chin Music out of nowhere, because you know, that’s perfectly reasonable. This leads to a double count out which gets booed out of the freaking building.

This caused Shawn to be completely ridiculous and consistently demand that he get a title shot and generally coming off like a total whiny little man. This is why Shawn was in the Mania main event, and yes, I think it had a lot to do with HHH making sure that his buddy got to main event ANOTHER Mania and kept him from having to job to Benoit clean, but you’ve heard more than enough rants about that.

Rating: C+. This match felt like it was missing the middle part. It felt like 18 minutes of the feeling out process and then we shifted to the finish for about five minutes. The double count out thing I couldn’t stand but at least they had a plan for these two moving forward.

The problem though is that it’s just Shawn vs. HHH. This feud went on forever and while it’s a big match, it’s been done. That’s the thing: it’s just more of HHH only making his buddy look good instead of just allowing him to lay down for Benoit at Mania like he should have. It’s not bad, but once you think about it the match loses some luster.

We go to a long video package about the Rumble, mainly focusing on Benoit which completely gives away the winner. He’s number one and Goldberg is number 30. Yeah that’s about it.

Austin, Heyman and Bischoff get together. Hilarity ensues.

Brock and Goldberg look at each other. I think Goldberg wants to go get some coffee.

Royal Rumble

As mentioned, Benoit is first and Orton is number 2. Tazz and Ross are doing the commentary tonight and Orton is the IC Champion here. These two would headline Summerslam in about 7 months in a great match which led to Orton’s horribly botched face turn. GEEZ Orton looks different here as he more or less was all clean cut like some college kid. Compare that to what you see now and you’ll be amazed.

I’m not sure if I like this style of the Rumble. I like having bigger names in at the beginning, but they couldn’t have made it clearer that Benoit was winning if they put the WM 20 poster on the mat for this. I like these hard hitting people if nothing else. Henry is 3rd as I think the intervals are two minutes or so. Teddy Long is managing Henry here which means more or less nothing. After about a minute, Tajiri is 4th. I know this because there’s a graphic in the corner that says Tajiri 4th.

He and Benoit do some sweet looking technical stuff. Bradshaw is 5th and somehow he would be world champion in 6 months. He clotheslines everyone but Benoit who pulls him into a crossface. Bradshaw picks him up and tries to dump him but Benoit holds on and pulls Bradshaw out. Rhyno is 6th here as the intervals are actually staying pretty close to accurate here.

Tajiri puts Henry in the Tarantula but Rhyno gores Henry to knock Tajiri out. That’s actually pretty creative and I liked it. Benoit puts Henry out by just running into him a few times to a solid pop. It was bigger last year but we’re not going to speak of that. Oh Henry took some mist according to a replay to cause him to be in the Tarantula. Matt Hardy is seventh. We now have Benoit, Orton, Rhyno and Hardy in there. Hardy is a face here I think. Yeah he’s getting pops.

I just don’t think he means anything as a singles guy, which would date this show as sometime between 2001 and the present. The two successful singles guys and the two lesser so successful singles guys are together. In at eight is Scott Steiner who means more or less nothing at this point. He dominates for the most part with amazingly enough, more suplexes. In an amusing moment, Benoit is just like boy please and starts throwing Steiner around with them.

Ross points out something interesting by saying that no one in this Rumble has won before. Again, that’s the point of an announcer. Lines like that can do a lot as far as elevating a match. Number 9 is MATT FREAKING MORGAN! They know he’s awesome even here where he’s been around all of a few months. Even WWE bills him as 7’0 tall even though he’s about 6’8. He puts Benoit down with a huge power bomb though.

They refer to him as a rookie here so he hasn’t been around long. I know he came out of nowhere at SS 03 and then left around Mania before coming back as Carlito’s bodyguard. Hurricane is tenth. Morgan throws him out in a few seconds and he lands really badly on his leg and might be legit hurt. He almost puts out Hardy who makes a nice save.

Morgan just looks at him while he comes back in which just looks stupid. Booker is 11th and is apparently a favorite to win this? He has a bad rap version of his theme song. He and Steiner go at it and we get a WCW reference. Benoit and Morgan just sounds like a TNA dream match. Ross says that Benoit is still alive somehow. That’s a creepy line. Morgan has shrunk to 6’10 apparently but grows back to 6’11 before Kane is in at 12.

Steiner goes out off camera thanks to Booker. Morgan either has lifts in his shoes or something is weird about his height as he’s almost Kane’s size. They do a smart thing though and spin the camera angles a lot while they’re fighting though. As a recap, we have Benoit, Orton, Rhyno (who gores Hardy as I say that for his first noticeable anything in about 10 minutes), Hardy, Morgan, Booker and Kane.

Of those seven, three would be in TNA within four years. That’s either saying a lot or nothing at all and I’m not sure which. Kane is the only person up as the clock goes down to zero. The lights go out and a gong sounds. To say the crowd pops is an understatement. Kane had buried Taker alive (again) back at Survivor Series. Only in wrestling would that make perfect sense.

That had ended the biker gimmick as Taker would come back as the Dead Man at Mania to face Kane in a glorified squash match. Kane is distracted and Booker puts him out. Spike comes out as number 13 and never gets in the ring. You figure out why not. Rikishi is in at 14 after about a minute of waiting. Benoit puts out Rhyno as Rikishi gets in. Morgan gets a stink face as he must be counting the days to getting to TNA. Tazz mentions that Benoit is hanging in there, which sent a chill up my spine.

Less than 75 seconds later, Renee Dupree is number 15. He actually puts Matt Hardy out with relative ease. That’s surprising if nothing else. Rikishi puts him out a few seconds later. A-Train is in at 16 as he must be about gone from the company at this point. Yeah he would be gone in November after getting hurt in the summer. Benoit puts Morgan out. Orton puts out Booker and Rikishi in about 15 seconds. That’s not bad at all.

Benoit puts out A-Train just as Shelton gets in at number 17. A-Train goes over the ropes and to the floor, and Tazz says that he thinks A-Train is out and I shake my head. Orton puts out Shelton and we’re back to where we started out. Both are down as a guy in a fake afro comes out to introduce Ernest Miller at 18. This was one of the dumbest signings ever as Miller was barely over in WCW so he got hired here for no apparent reason.

Anyway, after dancing badly for a bit, Orton puts him out. In a very funny moment, Benoit tries to throw out Lamont, the guy that did the introduction but as he runs him to the ropes to throw him, just the hair goes off. It’s a lot better than it sounds. Angle is 19th to a HUGE pop. This is kind of a dream trip in there really. Naturally he and Benoit beat the tar out of each other.

Rico, now in his full gay stage, is 20th. Tazz sums him up in one line: you have to be as tough as Rico to wear those pants in the Royal Rumble. Rico was a guy that never got a fair shake as a wrestler. He was chained down by his gimmick and no one could ever take him seriously. If nothing else though, I’ve never heard a single bad thing about him and before and after wrestling he was a police officer in Nevada where he graduated at the top of his class both times.

Like him or not, that’s very impressive. Orton hits an RKO on him and puts him out. As Benoit and Angle beat even more heck out of each other, Test is 21st as no one cares. Main reason no one cares is he’s not here. Orton hits an RKO on Angle as we cut to the back where Test is out cold. Austin, who was sheriff or something like that at the time yells at someone we can’t see that they’re now number 21 as it was apparently the guys that did this to Test.

Austin sounds like Christian Bale from Dark Knight. It’s Mick Foley as the roof is completely gone after being blown off by his music. This was during an angle where Foley was afraid of Orton and refused to fight him on Raw back in December so he left the company. Ross says he knew Foley wasn’t a coward. The look on Orton’s face is absolutely perfect as he’s scared to death. Foley beats the living tar out of him and a Cactus Clothesline puts both of them out.

Foley beats on him even more on the floor as Christian is number 22. Oddly enough ECW is on at the moment and he’s in the main event (shocking isn’t it?). Orton is just getting killed by Foley this whole time. Scratch that he’s coming back with a SICK chair shot to Mick’s head. They fight up the entry way as they set up Rock and Foley vs. Evolution at Mania and the EPIC hardcore match at Backlash.

If you haven’t seen the Backlash match, go get Mick Foley’s Greatest Hits and Misses and check that match out. It’s a great DVD too. The final disc has four Foley matches on it where you can pick between original commentary or Foley and Joey Styles which is a cool idea. Nunzio is 23rd but he walks into Socko on the ramp. We haven’t seen anything in the ring for about a minute and a half at this point, but in this case it’s ok. The crowd is WAY into this.

Orton runs away and Foley staggers after him. Nunzio (Little Guido for you ECW fans) sits at ringside while everyone else fights in the ring. Tazz makes fun of Christian wearing pink tights. Ross says some great Canadians have worn pink tights which shuts Tazz up FAST. Big Show is in at 24. He’s finally back in normal looking tights which I couldn’t be happier about. Again, Ross says something very insightful: Yoko and Studd were both #24 when they won.

See, again, that’s something no one would ever pick up on and it offers something to think about. That’s the sign of a great announcer. Jericho is number 25. We have far too high of a Canadian to American ratio in there. Haas is in at 26th. Nunzio is still sitting outside. Jericho puts out Christian for the second year in a row apparently. Billy Gunn is 27th and is apparently returning.

Why in the world is he getting a pop? I just don’t get it. He gets a Fameasser on both Angle and Show which Ross points out is a bad idea because you have to have Show up to put him out. Ross stays on fire tonight by pointing out that number 27 has produced the most winners in history. Even Tazz says Ross is on a roll tonight.

Cena is number 28 to a solid pop. He would win his first title, the US, at Mania over Show who he’s feuding with at the moment. He puts Nunzio into the ring but gets jumped by the Italian and Show. Show slaps Nunzio on the back and Tazz says that’ll shake your hips for you. Where in the world did that come from??? RVD is 29th and we know Goldberg is 30th. Cena hits the FU on Angle.

Your final grouping as Goldberg comes in: Benoit, Haas, Nunzio, Angle, Show, Jericho, Gunn, Cena, RVD and Goldberg. That’s a pretty sweet grouping when you think about it. Of the ten in there, you have four former world champions and three that would be champion in the future. That’s not bad at all. Goldberg destroys everyone in sight and throws out Haas. There goes Gunn. Nunzio is out. He sets to Jackhammer Big Show and here’s Brock to mess that up.

He nails Goldberg and then Angle throws him out during the stare down. If either guy was staying at Mania, that could have been EPIC. We’ve got six now. Show gets the Andre treatment which doesn’t work at all. Everyone keeps beating on him and then they realize they screwed up because he’s out cold and weighs 500lbs.

Ok, I get that he’s dead weight, but Angle has freakish strength and RVD holds a world record for a dead lift while doing the splits, yet five grown professional wrestlers can’t get him up? Show just goes insane and puts out Cena and RVD. Jericho shows his intelligence and gets the Walls of Jericho on Show. Show puts him out with one arm to just show off. The final three are Angle, Benoit and Show.

If nothing else they’ve saved the best guys for the ending. Angle hits an Angle Slam on Show which never stops being impressive. Benoit takes one that’s close to it but not quite. Show gets a chokeslam but Angle rolls through it into an ankle lock and Show taps again.

In an awesome looking sequence, Show is in the ankle lock and climbs up the ropes, then he kind of rolls forward over them to pull Angle out, because Angle couldn’t you know, LET GO OF HIS FREAKING LEG or something like that. Benoit rolls through a chokeslam with the most basic counter there is to it and continues his streak of being the only guy in history to consistently work on the right arm of an opponent.

Show taps again. That’s a nice bit of continuity there as all three submission guys manages to get him to tap but it means nothing. I like it though as it shows they’ve at least thought this out a bit. It’s so simply yet it ties the match together and shows that while Jericho and Angle are both great, they’re not as great as Benoit as only he gets rid of Show in the end. That’s a nice little touch and it works so well.

Show is in that thing for at least thirty seconds too so that has to hurt. Show breaks it with a similar counter to what Bradshaw did earlier. Benoit breaks the hour mark. Show, with his handlebar mustache, gets Benoit in a gorilla press but Benoit shifts into a chancers (DDT grip with the arm held also) to pull Show over the ropes and in a cool looking finish gets enough leverage to get him out.

That’s a perfect ending as Benoit didn’t use power or some contrived move. He did what he does best: got a hold on Show and used leverage to get him out. That’s textbook Benoit and it’s the only way he should have won this. The pop is great and for smarks everywhere, this was a perfect moment.

Rating: A. This was a great Rumble for multiple reasons. First of all, Benoit wasn’t focused on until the very end, which made it far less obvious that he was going to be the winner. He blended into the background, which helped him out a lot here. In the 92 Rumble where Flair more or less went wire to wire, he was the focus of the match. Here, Benoit was mentioned but it was far more casual. Second, the ending 6 or so were awesome.

There were a bunch of people there that could have won. Angle winning wouldn’t have surprised anyone I don’t think, and Show is always a legit contender in something like this. This match went very well and while it may not have been great, it was very fun. That’s the best way to describe it: fun.

Overall Rating: C+. The Rumble is the only thing here worth much.  Look back at the show and see what else you have. The tag title match is a squash, the Cruiserweight title match is 3 minutes long, Eddie vs. Chavo is ok at best, Hardcore Holly got a title shot, and Shawn and HHH had a decent but far from great match with a bad ending. Then you have a great Rumble. That’s not a lot to go on really.

The part that kills it for me is HHH and Shawn being the only other match longer than eight and a half minutes. Seriously, you couldn’t chop off 6 minutes of that and give three each to the first two matches? Overall, the show isn’t much at all, but the Rumble is great.

I won’t really recommend it as a lot of this stuff felt like it was from a 3 hour special or something. This wasn’t much, but the Benoit Rumble win is great stuff. You won’t find a better example of someone being launched into the main event than that right there. Definitely check that out, but other than that take a pass.

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Royal Rumble 1998
Date: January 18, 1998
Location: San Jose Arena, San Jose, California
Attendance: 18,542
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

We have seen our savior and he is called Austin. So it’s official: Steve Austin ranks somewhere just below free beer in terms of popularity at this point and is the undisputed king of the company. There’s just one thing: he’s not the world champion yet. It’s about as clear as you can make it that Austin is going to win the title at Mania, so this is another formality. However, a few things have happened in the last two months or so.

Number one: Montreal. We have no Bret Hart and Shawn and Vince are now pure evil, especially the latter. The other thing is Starrcade 97, where Hogan’s ego has managed to almost single handedly kill the massive lead that WCW was enjoying. Therefore, even though the results are clear, they have to do this right because if they do, the WWF could actually catch up to WCW (which they did).

Your other main event tonight is Shawn vs. Taker in a casket match, and you know what happens there. I’ve always felt the main event should have been someone else but I’ll get to that later. Anyway, Kane is now apparently face and will be here to help Taker, and you know he wouldn’t ever do anything like turn on him 6 days after joining him or anything like that.

As for the rest of the show, the roster has filled out a lot more now with a lot of the familiar Attitude Era people there now, such as Shamrock, Rock in his more famous form, face Mankind and the Outlaws. Actually a lot of the wrestlers are the same but now they’re in their best forms, which is often the most important part. I have decent memories of this show and it’s certainly important as far as history goes so let’s get it started.

The opening video is about being champion, which is what the show is mainly about so at least it makes sense. The set for the Rumble isn’t elaborate yet as it’s still the circular one that was used for years. Why were there always blimps in the arenas for these things? I’ve never gotten the point of that. Oh yeah Mike Tyson is here tonight too in what turned out to be a big deal for the company as far as going mainstream went. DANG he is getting booed out of the arena.

Vader vs. Goldust

This is actually the Artist Formerly Known As Goldust but I didn’t want to type that out more than once so he’s just Goldust in this. Let’s see: green hair and what we’ll call yellow and blue striped tights. More or less he’s just insane at this point where he’s expressing himself or something like that. It never made a ton of sense but it was different if nothing else.

Vader has just fallen through the floor as far as meaning anything went by this point for no reason that I’ve ever been able to come up with. Well I’ll give him this: he’s still energetic and the fans are WAY into him. Of course that means he’s not worthy of being anything but a jobber in Vince’s company, so there we go. Lawler actually says that he’s glad Goldust is back in men’s clothing for this match.

I think that sums up the Attitude Era pretty well. Vader is just beating the tar out of Goldust at this point. He throws Goldie into the stairs in the worst, weakest looking shot I’ve ever seen. Goldust stopped about 6 inches before he hit them and then tapped them. It looks horrible. We have a hot crowd if nothing else. After a decent comeback, Goldust kisses Vader, and you know what’s coming next.

Apparently Austin isn’t here yet. Why is it that he never got to the arena on time? After putting him down, Vader sets for the Vader Bomb. This takes literally thirty seconds. He deserved the low blow he got from that. There is little more entertaining to me than a big guy just dropping the fat on someone else.

In a cool looking visual, Luna jumps on Vader’s back as he’s setting for the Bomb again. He’s like screw it who cares and does the move with her on his back. The sight of Luna flying through the air and just stopping dead when Vader lands is great for some reason. Naturally this ends it.

Rating: B-. For an opener, this was a very good choice. The fans were into Vader and he looked quite solid out there. It was a standard beatdown and the ending spot looked cool. It wasn’t epic and it wasn’t supposed to be, so this was exactly right and I’m perfectly fine with it. For the life of me I don’t get the complete lack of push for Vader.

Austin is here and the Godwins follow him. Apparently all 29 other guys want to kill him.

Max Mini/Mosaic/Nova vs. Battalion/El Torito/Tarantula

Yep it’s a mini match. Sunny is referee here to give anyone a reason to care. The three faces combine to weigh less than 260lbs. That’s just amusing. They kept having these matches for no apparent reason other than an attempt at capitalizing on the Luchador craze, which I guess was a better idea than trying to use bad luchadors like they would do in a few months. Max weighs 87lbs and is fast if nothing else.

Everyone has very generic gimmicks with Batallion being an army guy or something. We’re about two minutes into this and we just saw our 8th arm drag. It’s Trios rules here as in if one of the guys goes to the floor, that’s the same as a tag. We go split screen to look at Tyson who looks like he’s hamming it up for the camera, and to his credit he looks genuine at least. Like I’ve said a dozen times: if you don’t want to be there, at least try to look interested, and Tyson is certainly doing that.

The crowd doesn’t care about anyone in there other than Max. For no apparent reason, Sunny helps Max throwing dropkicks at the other guys. It made no sense but it got a pop so there we go. We hit the floor and there they go. It’s your standard everyone runs to the ropes and hits a big move and it works really well here.

I’ll say this for these guys: they’re not boring. They’re not particularly interesting but they’re not boring either. Max goes to the top (which to be fair is like from the top of a cage for a normal size guy) and hits a rana which leads to a cradle for the pin. This was so far ahead of last year’s Lucha stuff that I can’t even see it back there.

Rating: B-. Again, it wasn’t great, but it was exciting if nothing else. It kept you paying something close to attention so that’s better than nothing at all. Max was more over than all 5 other guys combined so it was smart to have him be the focus of the match.

Granted that might be because he was by far the most talented. Compared to last year’s old guys doing nothing for 11 minutes, this was a good deal shorter at about 8 minutes which helped it out a lot. That doesn’t sound like a lot of time, but three minutes can mean a big difference in a match. Think about how many matches you’ve seen that are about three minutes long. A lot of TV matches are, so there’s time to do a good amount of stuff in there. By keeping this one shorter it was FAR better.

The Nation is looking for Austin but all they find is a foam finger.

Vince and Shane are with Tyson. Shane looks so much more comfortable talking to him than Vince does.

We get a recap of Shamrock vs. the Nation, including Henry turning on him to join the Nation. This was when Rock was taking the leadership of the group over from Farrooq and is also IC Champion at the time, having been handed the title after Austin forfeited the belt to go after the World Title. Cole is with the Rock as we cut to a clip from the Free For All of the Nation arguing over who would win the Rumble.

Cole says that apparently there are problems in the Nation. Rock says apparently you’re an idiot. I love Rock ripping on Cole. It was always priceless. Rock offers advice to Clinton, continuing his gimmick of offering his input on social matters of the time as only he could. It helped play up the People’s Champion thing, and more importantly led to an interview with Gennifer Flowers at Mania where he debuted a rather famous line because of it, if you smell what I’m cooking.

Intercontinental Title: Rock vs. Ken Shamrock

Rock comes out alone here. The crowd is way behind Shamrock here as Rocky was flat out hated. We start with a fairly long feeling out period and then we all of a sudden get going. Shamrock is pretty good at the moves he could do, but the problem is he didn’t have a ton of things that he could do well. Since we’re in the Attitude Era, there’s a lot of brawling going on here which makes sense for Shamrock at least.

What doesn’t make sense though is Rock being able to go toe to toe with Shamrock in that area. If he’s supposed to be the best fighter of all time like JR keeps telling us, Rock is amazing then. In an amusing bit, Rock goes for a chinlock but does the arm motion that he would do for the People’s Elbow by swinging his arm around really slowly to hook the chinlock on. I love that.

JR says this isn’t the seniors’ tour which is a clear jab at WCW and how much they screwed up the previous month’s show. As Shamrock goes insane, here’s Kama to allow Rock to get some knucks to knock out Shamrock. Now in a brilliant move Rock puts them in Shamrock’s tights. Ken kicks out and hits a belly to belly for the pin and the title. Rock gets up a bit later and says to check his tights. You can see the ending coming from here and the decision is reversed.

In a great moment, the referee is checking his tights and points to the crotch and asks what is that? It’s as humorous as it sounds. Yep, the referee gets the ankle lock too. They would do a similar screw job ending at Mania where Shamrock was named the winner again but didn’t get the title again. Rock would finally lose the belt at Summerslam in an epic ladder match with HHH. On a replay we see Rocky hitting him with the knucks.

We also see the problem with it as the knucks are on the back of Rock’s hand, but the way Rock throws punches, the part where the brass is sticking out wouldn’t have touched Ken’s head, but why should we care about that?

Rating: C+. This was what it was. It wasn’t meant to be anything great and they didn’t try to make it something it wasn’t which is the smart thing to do. The ending was at least somewhat creative so they get points for that. I don’t get why they did the same kind of ending at Mania, but whatever. This was fine. It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t terrible given what they had to work with here.

We see exclusive footage of Rock in his locker room taking off his boots when Shamrock jumps him. For some reason Shamrock has had time to take a shower and put on jeans while Rock doesn’t even have his boots off yet, despite Rock having left first.

Los Boricuas are looking for Austin. They find the DOA instead and of course they fight like they did for months. I think a combined 5 people cared in all those fights.

We recap the LOD vs. the Outlaws which more or less consists of old school vs. new and it’s not that interesting but it’s ok I guess. Basically the LOD are old and cool and the Outlaws are jerks. Nothing is different I guess. Oh and they beat up the LOD and shaved Hawk’s head while wearing Cartman shirts. Seeing South Park being considered cutting edge and underground stuff is just ridiculous to think of.

Tag Titles: New Age Outlaws vs. Legion of Doom

They’re wearing Favre jerseys for no apparent reason. Oh apparently Favre just beat the 49ers and we’re in the Bay Area. Hawk and Animal look at clips of them being beaten up and say that this is about pride or something. Animal is completely insane in this promo. Why are the LOD referred to as American Originals? I’ve never gotten the point to that reference. I’m sorry to shock those of you with heart conditions, but this starts out as a brawl. I know I can’t believe it either.

The heels try to run and naturally that doesn’t work at all. JR actually mentions the Horsemen on a WWF program. He follows that up by saying this might be a matter of time, more or less giving away the ending. There’s zero flow to this match at all. It’s just random insanity and I don’t recall any tagging here at all. That’s fine in spurts but it needs some sort of structure to be legitimate at all.

To further the insanity here, Hawk gets handcuffed to the turnbuckle while the injured Animal is beaten on. We shift over to a one on two match here with Animal fighting for all he’s worth. He hits a powerslam and has it won when a chair from Road Dogg breaks it up for the DQ as we STILL can’t have a clean ending in a match that means anything. They start the beatdown, but Hawk and the power of the 80s breaks the handcuff and after a bunch of chair shots, the LOD reign supreme.

Rating: D+. This match can almost sum up everything about the Attitude Era as a whole. You have a classic team like the LOD that got world title shots back in the 80s and then you have these two guys that aren’t great workers to begin with but get heat based off of shock tactics. There was little tagging and most of this match was brawling. There’s the Attitude Era in a few lines.

Some chick in Tennessee wins Austin’s truck.

We get a recap about how Austin is a marked man or whatever. In other words we get a package to futher drill into our heads that Austin will indeed win the Rumble tonight.

Royal Rumble

Fink claims that it’s every 2 minutes for intervals. It’s really closer to 90 seconds if you pay attention and considering the whole thing lasts 56 minutes, 2 minute intervals are impossible unless the last guy is thrown out before he gets to the ring. Cactus Jack is first and apparently Jack, Dude Love and Mankind got into a fight over who would be in the Rumble and Jack won.

Second is Chainsaw Charlie, who is more commonly known as Terry Funk in some weird crazy man gimmick. When I say crazy I mean crazier than usual. He brings a fake chainsaw with him, so Foley throws chairs at both him and it, which produce no sparks. There’s about 5 chairs and a saw in the ring and we’re underway. Aww the referee gets the saw out of the ring. Anyway, Funk says for Foley to blast him with a chair so he does.

Foley hands it to Funk so Funk can have a free shot. This is either cool or mind blowingly stupid. Tom Brandi is 3. Think Santino but less talented and stupider and that’s what you have. In a move that shocks no one, he’s thrown out in about 10 seconds. This is a weird hardcore kind of thing here as Funk has his customary convulsions. Number four is Rock to some weak heat. Ah ok there it is. Foley hits him with a trash can to show off their future hardcore epics.

The hardcore guys beat him up as Lawler is panicking. Mosh is fifth as I’m starting to hate the Attitude Era. He gets the biggest pop of all five guys so far. Naturally Funk goes for the moonsault and it misses. I don’t get the point in having such an insane start to the match. Phineas is 6th. He and Hank are heels here and it just failed on so many levels. More or less they switched to creepier music and wear the rebel flag so now they’re heels.

Yeah it bombed big time, so naturally they were pushed for about another year or so until the company woke up and let Hank go and changed Phineas to Mideon. Funk throws some chops and the wooing begins. Number seven is 8-Ball to continue the greatness of this Rumble. Seriously, considering there’s three world champion out there, this is just boring as heck so far. Funk puts out Cactus as the crowd couldn’t care less.

Allegedly someone has attacked Austin but King won’t say who. Bradshaw replaces Cactus at number 8 to really enhance the greatness in there. Owen Hart is number nine, but Jeff Jarrett and Jim Cornette who were representing the NWA of all things jump him as Ross declares Cornette a stain on the underwear of life. For the love of all things good left in the world, someone lobotomize JR before he hurts himself. For some reason Owen gets huge cheers from Tyson. That’s just odd.

Owen can’t get in the ring and is just laying on the floor. Steve Blackman is tenth. He’s a complete WWF rookie at this point despite having a ton of experience in other companies before this. We mull around even more as the ring is way too full. All of the guys I’ve listed are in other than Jack and Brandi. Owen is still down as number 11 is D’lo Brown. There are 5 members of the Nation in the Rumble tonight which is kind of impressive.

Shamrock may have been the guy that got to Austin. Rock goes off on Blackman with some insanely fast kicks. At this point we’re just waiting on some monster to come out and get rid of some of these guys. No one cares as there is zero chance Austin is going to lose.

Number 12 is Kurrgan. Now this was an interesting character to say the least. He was completely dominant so of course they made him a comedy character by the fall. He gets rid of Mosh so if nothing else he’s done his job. How weird is it to think that Bradshaw of all people would wind up having a 9 month world title reign out of all these guys in there? Mero and Sable come out at 13. Good grief Mero was a depthless character.

Blackman is gone via Kurrgan. Bradshaw beats on him a bit which at least looks kind of cool. Shamrock comes out to a BIG pop. He goes straight for Kurrgan and knocks him down with relative ease to allow a big group of people to dump him out. In 20 seconds, Shamrock has managed to get the crowd to actually give a very about the match which the other 12 hadn’t been able to do in almost half an hour. Thrasher comes out at 15.

The ring is WAY too full at this point. There’s a very loud Sable chant. Lawler keeps talking about how he wants to fight Tyson which is just perfectly good cheap heel heat. 16 is Mankind as we hit one of my all time favorite Rumble bits. Yes, all three of Foley’s personas are in the Rumble. He puts out Funk with relative ease. In a very unintentionally funny moment, Shamrock is trying to get Rock out in the corner.

The tape freezes just for a second and Shamrock’s arms are under Rock and his head is laid on his stomach and the look on his face looks like he’s lovingly smiling. It’s just great. Anyway Goldust is 17th and this time he’s rocking a silver body suit with painted on women’s lingerie including g-string. The ring is WAY too full here. I would list them all off for you, but it would be Austin Fodder #1, 2, 3, 4 etc. There’s about 10 guys in there and no one cares about most of them.

Goldust puts out Mankind who wasn’t a big deal just yet. Jarrett is 18th and Owen finally gets in and beats the living tar out of him. After skinning the cat, Owen dumps Jarrett. There’s a big rant coming on Owen later so stick around for that. And from out of nowhere Honky Tonk Man is 19th. Rock puts out Shamrock as HHH and Chyna come out. HHH is hurt and not in the match. Owen tries to get rid of Goldust, allowing HHH and Chyna to use a pair of crutches to eliminate him.

Ok screw waiting for later. At the end of the previous In Your House, Owen had jumped Shawn to end the show, making his first appearance since Montreal. He beat Shawn up and then ran off into the crowd. Every single sign in the world said that Owen vs. Shawn would be the title match at the Rumble. Think about it: Owen comes back to avenge his brother’s honor so the drama and story are already there.

Owen can actually hang with Shawn in the ring so it’s not like the match would be boring or something. Owen was getting insane reactions from the crowds at this point so it’s not like they wouldn’t buy it. So given how obvious this was, Shawn vetoed it. Owen made the epic return and was promptly fed to HHH.

Yes, instead of going with the money match at the Rumble of Owen vs. Shawn, I’m assuming Shawn was afraid that Owen would either upstage him or shoot on him, so he somehow convinced everyone that the best choice was for Owen to just go back down into the midcard and job to HHH and Jarrett and stay far away from the title picture, and showing the power of the Clique, it worked.

Owen was made to look like a joke over the next three months, having a tiny feud with Jarrett that went nowhere and then jobbing to HHH to make him look good. At least Shawn got what was coming to him all those years later in the casket match, which he lobbied for. I hate to say it, but he got what he deserved.

Ahmed Johnson is number 20 and no one cares. He was just completely wasted by this point and it failed miserably. The crowd is pretty much dead here. Lawler lets it slip that Honky is his cousin. We accidentally hear someone say that someone isn’t cleared to wrestle which we’ll get to in just a few moments. Mark Henry is 21st. In a great stat, Henry is one of 17 people in this Rumble that have never been in one before.

Ross says Henry is handling the big Johnson. I’m not going near that one. There is no number 22 and everyone thinks it was supposed to be Austin. It turns out that it was supposed to be Skull, but he was hurt earlier in the attack by the Boricuas and was who the accidental voice was talking about. Phineas and Ahmed are gone with Phineas landing on a referee in an amusing spot. The crowd really couldn’t care less here.

Kama is number 23, and here’s the best recap I can give you: Rock, 8-Ball, Bradshaw, D’Lo, Mero, Thrasher, Goldust, Honky, Henry and Kama. Holy jobber fest Batman. Austin it 24th to an EPIC pop. I mean the fans went insane for that glass shattering. Literally everyone in the ring turns to the entrance to jump him, but he comes through the crowd and knocks out Mero and 8-Ball with relative ease.

Why in the world did they insist on constantly making Brown a big deal or at least trying to? Never mind he’s been upstaged by the failure that is heel Henry Godwin. We start the final five with Savio, who leads the completely worthless Boricuas who all go after Austin despite not being in the match. Naturally they’re easily dispatched. There are WAY too many people in there. I’m counting 11 I think.

Farrooq is 27th as all 5 members of the Nation are in there now. Naturally he beats on all of the other 4 members. I’ve always thought they missed the boat with Farrooq. He was clearly a great athlete with a solid character yet they never pulled the trigger on him. Rock and Austin go to the floor through the ropes. Dude Love is 28th which gets a nice pop. Foley was such a brilliant character when you think about it.

Kane was Isaac Yankem and Fake Diesel etc. Kama was Papa Shango, Godfather etc. The thing is, those other characters are never mentioned. They’re simply repackaged to give them a fresh start and that’s fine. Foley took it completely the other way. They made him all three characters at once with no attempt at hiding it. That’s very unique and I don’t think it’s been done otherwise. Anyway he puts out Bradshaw in about a second.

Rock does the overrated elbow on Brown and gets beaten up by Austin for it. At least Austin recognizes overrated moves. Chainz, another guy I thought could have been more than he was, is 29th making Vader number 30. There goes Brown to lighten us up a bit.

Ok, so with all 30 in, here are your possible winners: Rock, Thrasher, Goldust, Honky, Henry, Kama, Godwin, Vega, Farrooq, Dude Love, Chainz, Vader and Austin. I wonder who the win…never mind that joke is just stupid. Who thought it was a good idea to have 13 people in at the end? Vader puts out Honky. The crowd still doesn’t care at all. There goes Thrasher to a tiny pop.

Kama is gone as we’re starting to clear the ring out. Ross thinks Brown is still in for some reason. There goes Vega as Austin has dropped three in a row now. Goldust puts out Vader because Vader can’t do anything since he’s an over character. Instead we have to have a freak character be put over again. Henry and Goldust go out. Farrooq just shows off by throwing out Henry.

Chainz was put out by Austin over the corner and slammed into the steps which just looked SICK. The final four are Farrooq, Rock, Dude Love and Austin. I’ve always loved Dude’s Sweet Shin Music. Farrooq eliminates Dude. Say that out loud and see how ridiculous it sounds. Ross is ticked off for some reason at Rock resting while Farrooq fights Austin.

Farrooq was in for about 10 minutes while Rock had already wrestled earlier and had been in over 50 minutes at this point. I guess according to JR that’s nothing. Anyway the final two are Rock and Austin. They slug it out and the fans are buying every bit of it. After a Stunner Austin shocks no one as he’s going to Wrestlemania.

Tyson is happy too. We get a quick interview with Tyson, who despite calling Austin Cold Stone, which to be fair sounded far more like a slip of the tongue rather than him just not knowing what he was saying, says he’s very happy and looking forward to the main event. If nothing else, he’s very enthusiastic and sounds like a legit fan.

Rating: D+. This was a bad Rumble in every sense of the word. The big problem here is clear so I’ll ignore that. The problem is there’s no one out there that was even a potential challenger. There was almost no flow to this either. The closest thing to a story was the Nation but it got no play at all.

That’s the problem here: there’s no story or drama at all and it just crippled the thing. We knew Austin would win, but the question was how. The problem was there was no way to disguise the fact that he was going to win and it really hurt the match. There really was no way to make this great, but they at least could have made it ok.

We recap Taker vs. Shawn. More or less they were trying to just pick up their rivalry from the fall like nothing ever happened. Good night Shawn took a beating in the Cell. Kane has broken away from Paul Bearer and apparently has joined Taker to help him fight off DX. For some reason Taker accepted his brother that hated him with no issue at all. I’ll give you two guesses as to how that’s going to work out.

Casket Match: Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels

Fink looks REALLY weird for some reason here. It looks like he’s being forced to announce at gunpoint or something. We get a weird comment from JR about Shawn: He may not be in a class of his own but it doesn’t take long to call the role. Wait, what? If he’s the world champion and the best big match guy ever, why wouldn’t he be in a class of his own? Also, Ross tries to say HBK has a better record in big matches than anyone including Hogan. That’s just laughable.

Shawn’s overselling of Taker putting the lights back on is great. Shawn of course has to run here and punch where he can, but we get my favorite spot that Taker keeps using as he just grabs Shawn by the throat and throws him into the corner. I’ve always loved that. In a very cool spot, Shawn goes for a crossbody from the middle rope and Taker catches him in a two handed choke. That looked great. And there it is.

Shawn is backdropped over the top rope and slams him back on the casket, more or less shattering it and putting him on the shelf for four and a half years after Wrestlemania. You can tell something just isn’t right with him at this point, and oddly enough a fan shouts out BREAK HIS BACK while Taker is beating Shawn up. As usual, Taker is just beating the living heck out of Shawn.

That’s your formula for the majority of this match: Taker beats up Shawn, Shawn hits a little something, Taker beats up Shawn some more. Eventually Shawn hits a kick out of nowhere, but Taker doesn’t really do much about it. We go near the casket a few times which is always good, but the best part is Shawn in the casket and trying to get out while Taker pulls him back in.

It’s a very cool shot that’s been done many times since but never as well as there. Eventually the tombstone hits and Shawn is dead, but Los Boricuas (which is incorrect grammar but whatever) and the Outlaws run out.. Cue Kane, but of course he turns on Taker to throw him in the casket to keep the title on Shawn. That’s not the end though, as Kane nails Taker into the casket and starts walking it back up the stage.

In one of the most famous scenes of his career, he covers it in “gasoline” and lights it on fire. JR is FREAKING as we go off the air. Of course Taker magically disappeared from the casket, setting up his return just in time for a Mania match with Kane.

Rating: B. This one is hard to mess up. These two worked very well together and this was no exception. They’re just perfectly suited to one another and they showed why here. Granted they more or less did the exact same thing as they did in the Cell, but it still worked.

Obviously the bigger story here is Shawn’s back, but that’s been covered more elsewhere because no one knew how bad he was hurt at this point. The match was fine, but it was clearly more about the angle than the match, which is ok here.

Overall Rating: C-. This is a show where the individual matches don’t add up to the final grade. This is a lot more like a transition show than anything else, with most of what you see here just setting up stuff for later on. It set up Shawn vs. Austin which had to happen for the company to survive as well as Taker vs. Kane, but other than that there’s just not much here.

I really didn’t like this show all that much, but it was ok I suppose. There have been worse Rumbles, but not that many. Watch it if you haven’t seen it before I guess, but you likely won’t want to again.

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