Impact
Date: April 28, 2011
Location: Impact Zone, Orlando, Florida
Commentators: Mike Tenay, Tazz
Episode Title: Queen Clouseau

Impact has had two straight decent if not good shows in a row.  After last Monday’s rather weak draft show, maybe is their chance to have a couple straight weeks in a row better than Raw.  I’d expect more of the same kind of build to Sacrifice as we saw last week, which resulted in some decent stuff.  That being said, let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of the Angle vs. Jarretts thing last week and Angle talking about his mistress that will hurt Karen for him.  Also we get a clip of the Sting vs. Hogan stuff from last week with the Network.

The Jarretts come out with all the women in the ring, including some women from catering.  This is to find out who the mistress is.  Karen has an umbrella to avoids falling feces.  Karen starts with an older lady from catering.  She says the catering woman is too nice to Kurt by trying to get to him through his stomach.  The girl says really?  She has pot roast to make.  Maybe Jeff can take some tips from Jeff on how to flip burgers.  Karen says Taco Tuesday sucks which ticks off Sarita and Rosita in a funny bit.

The catering lady leaves so Karen goes after Jolene the seamstress.  Mickie isn’t here by the way.  Jolene says it’s her job to run her hands over Kurt to find out his measurements.  Karen throws her out too and moves on to Tessmacher.  She points out that Tessmacher got to the building at the same time as Angle.  “You mean at our jobs?”  Karen asks about being at the gym with Kurt.  “You mean like with the other 25 wrestlers?”  These are the same questions the cops asked Goldberg when he was accused of stalking Liz on the night of the Fingerpoke of Doom.

Time for some racial stereotype jokes for Sarita and Rosita who she calls hot and spicy and rice and beans.  Sarita curses in Spanish and says they’re MEXICAN America, not Americans.  They leave also as it’s off to Madison and Tara.  The two of them and Angle are all former TNA champions remember.  Madison says Tara would lay down for Kurt because she’s a dirty sl**.  Tara spits on Madison and Madison implies Tara would try to sleep with Jeff.

That leaves Velvet as Winter and Angelina aren’t here either.  Karen says that Velvet is at the end of her rope so she’s trying to get on Kurt’s.  Karen implies Velvet is a lacking in a few morals and Kurt has to save Karen from a big slap.  Velvet slaps Kurt and the catfight is on.  Here come Winter and Angelina as Angelina beats up Velvet as the Jarretts leave.  Winter tells So Cal Val to ring the bell as this is a match apparently.

Angelina Love vs. Velvet Sky

 

Angelina is controlling early as we get a referee and take a break.  Back with Angelina choking away in the corner.  She’s still in the trance as she dominates.  This is a very slow paced match as Angelina has to show no emotion at all which is a decent character twist but it causes some boring matches.

Off to a chinlock for a bit which goes nowhere.  Velvet hammers away but there’s no response from Angelina.  Love chokes away and pounds on Velvet as this keeps starting and stopping.  Velvet fires back with some facecrushers to the knee which the camera is able to cut away from in time to keep from seeing them miss the knee by a foot.  Winter interferes though, allowing the Botox Injection (Bicycle Kick) to set up a choke to end this at 10:20.

Rating: D-. This was one of the worst female matches I’ve seen in a very long time.  It went WAY too long and the moves were missing left and right.  Angelina as a zombie is a cool character twist but at the same time they need something a bit different than the whole stand around, throw a punch every ten seconds and use Winter’s finisher to end this.  Wasn’t impressed at all.

Anderson gets here 26 minutes into the show in a big truck.  He wants his title shot.

Back with Matt Morgan looking for Steiner.  Has he been walking around ranting for half an hour?

Anarquia vs. Chris Sabin

 

Christy Hemme is announcer tonight who is definitely an upgrade from Jeremy Borash visually.  Anarquia says that next week we’re celebrating Cinco de Mayo.  Sabin takes over quickly to start and gets something resembling a springboard double axe but he injures his knee on it.  The replay shows that the knee bent in a way it wasn’t supposed to at all.  A small package ends this at 1:21.  Mexican America sets for the beatdown but ALEX SHELLEY returns for the save.  If that’s a fake knee injury I’m rather impressed as the replay looked like his knee legit bent the wrong way.

Steiner is playing with a kids golf toy and says he jumped Morgan because he was there.  Lots of censored words here as Steiner says he’d shoot himself if he had Morgan’s DNA.  If Morgan is looking for him he’s not a hard man to find.

Back with Morgan finding Steiner who runs off.  Morgan chases after him and Steiner jumps him and takes over in the war of alliteration.  Morgan gets choked with a stick of some sort and lots more words are censored.  Morgan fights back and chokes him with his boot.  This is your weekly big brawl backstage.  Steiner says he’s sorry but is thrown into a well placed refrigerator.

Sting goes up to Anerson’s truck in the back and pulls out the bat.  Faster than you can say “Mr. Borden you have the right to remain silent”, Sting becomes a vandal on national TV.  The fans cheer for this.  Sting starts to leave but climbs up on top of the truck and hammers away some more.  The lesson to be learned here: use public transportation.

Daniels vs. Gunner for the TV Title next.

TV Title: Gunner vs. Daniels

 

Gunner is the ace in the hole for Immortal apparently.  Daniels uses his riveting style of strikes to take over but Gunner fires back with basic heel power offense.  Crucifix gets two for Daniels as he strikes even more.  Gordbuster (with Daniels landing on his head) gets two.  Daniels shouts GIVE ME YOUR BEST and comes back with, you guessed it, more strikes.  A running STO takes Gunner down as does a cross arm front slam off the top.  Release Rock Bottom by Daniels sets up the BME but Gunner moves.  Daniels goes face first into the post and an F5 gives Gunner the clean pin at 6:05.

Rating: C-. Not bad here and you can’t say they’re not pushing someone here.  Gunner is something to keep an eye on as he looks good and isn’t bad in the ring.  Daniels is apparently a midcard jobber already which doesn’t really shock me at all as that tends to be where he winds up.  Nothing special here at all.

Here’s Sting who talks about how he’s trying to get rid of Hogan and Bischoff but Anderson won’t leave him alone.  He calls out Anderson who has a bat in hand.  Anderson asks point blank if Sting bashed out all the windows in his truck.  Sting says he didn’t do it.  Anderson: did you do it?  Sting: No.  Anderson: did you do it?  Sting: Yes.  Anderson pulls the bat back and says he’ll get it replaced because he’s rich.

Anderson promises to one-up Sting every time with these tricks.  Since Sting has the power to pick his own opponents, Sting can make this end by picking Anderson for his title shot.  Anderson wants it tonight but here’s RVD to cut him off.  Van Dam says he’s glad Sting is being straight up with him and do whatever you have to do to get rid of Anderson.  Sting says ok let’s do it tonight.

Here’s Hogan who says he loves to see Sting handing out title shots.  If Sting wants a fight then he’ll get it.  Hogan makes it a three way, adding in Bully Ray.  Oh dear.  Sting looks like he’d dead.

Joe talks about Crimson and liking his style with sticking Janice in the back of Abyss.  Joe says the winning streaks they had aren’t the same because Crimson hasn’t been tested.

Crimson vs. Samoa Joe

 

We hear about Joe being undefeated for 18 months which was eventually broken by Angle.  Crimson takes over to start and locks on a Cravate.  Joe fires back and his strikes, including an enziguri for two.  Nice overhead suplex by Crimson and a neckbreaker get two.  Another enziguri misses for Joe so Crimson tries a suplex.  The key word being try as Joe counters with the power of fat.

They slug it out and Crimson runs into the release Rock Bottom.  We hit the floor and Abyss runs in for the DQ, drilling Crimson at 2:58.  Match was good while it lasted.  Joe looks at Abyss and walks off.  The match is called a no contest, despite Crimson getting jumped.  Shouldn’t that be a DQ win for Crimson?  Black Hole Slam leaves Crimson laying.

Anderson says he doesn’t want a three way but he’ll take it anyway if it’s all he can get.  More censored words here as I guess TNA isn’t PG.

Angle says that Karen isn’t even close with her guesses.  The mistress might be here next week.  It’s no one anyone knows apparently.

Here’s Mickie who says her goal is to be the best women’s wrestler ever.  She dedicates the win to the fans and says it’s because of the fans that the roster can come out here and live their dreams.  Short and to the point.

Ray is talking to Abyss and says Ray being champion would tick off the wrestling world.  He’d trade in his 23 tag titles for one reign with it.

TNA World Title: Mr. Anderson vs. Sting vs. Bully Ray

Borash does the intro here.  We get big match intros to kill some time.  Sting goes after Anderson to start as Ray chills in the corner.  The announcers play up Sting defending the title a lot recently so he might be a bit tired here.  Ray jumps in and gets a side slam for two on Sting.  We hit the standard three way formula as one guy dominates and gets a pin attempt on another while the third guy saves, then another guy takes over.  Ray pulls Anderson off the top as we take a break.

Back and all three guys are in the same place meaning we missed nothing during the break.  Anderson and Ray slug it out with Anderson going down via an elbow.  Sting finally gets up and takes down both guys.  Stinger Splash to Anderson and Sting avoids a charging Ray.  Down goes the referee as Ray pulls the referee into Sting’s path.  Ray picks up the pipe and pops Sting in the ribs with it, saying that was for Hogan.  AJ comes in for the save and Sting gets a shot with the pipe to Ray for the pin at 11:35 total which was probably about 8:00 taking out the commercial.

Rating: C+. Not a terrible match here but three ways are hard to pull off when you have Bully Ray running the majority of the match.  This was designed to set up Anderson saying he still hasn’t gotten his title shot, meaning more of the same for the coming weeks.  Not bad, but really nothing we haven’t seen a bunch of times.

Anderson has the pipe as we go to a break.

Ray says AJ had no business being there.  Now he’s cost Ray a title so AJ has to sleep with an eye open.  Next time it’s concrete, not a table.  Ray threatens AJ’s family and says AJ shouldn’t be here next week.  AJ can’t hurt him because he’s a WARRIOR.

AJ says Ray will pay.

Scott Steiner says he beat up Morgan and that Morgan is half of the man Steiner is.  He makes fun of Morgan for being a basketball player.  Next week Steiner will get him.

The Jarretts say this has gone on too far.  Preach it brothers!

Velvet complains about Karen and Angelina.

Karen says she doesn’t have any enemies so she doesn’t know who Kurt could have.  And that’s it.  No mention of Anderson and the pipe again at all.

Overall Rating: C-. This wasn’t as good as what TNA has had for the past few weeks but it wasn’t anything too bad.  A lack of Hogan and Bischoff helped this a lot I think as Hogan was only here for a quick promo about Ray and Bischoff wasn’t here tonight.  The matches they’re going with for Sacrifice are pretty clear so I’d expect the card to get a lot more filled out in the next week with official announcements.  Not a terrible show, but a slight step down from the last few weeks.

Results

Angelina Love b. Velvet Sky – Choke Out

Anarquia b. Chris Sabin – Small Package

Gunner b. Christopher Daniels – F5

Samoa Joe vs. Crimson went to a no contest when Abyss interfered

Sting b. Bully Ray and Mr. Anderson – Sting pinned Ray after a shot with a steel pipe

Impact
Date: March 17, 2011
Location: Impact Zone, Orlando, Florida
Commentators: Mike Tenay, Taz

Well it’s the first show after the disaster that was the ending of Victory Road.  Hardy is not here tonight apparently which is about as little as you could ask for.  Jeff Jarrett said that he would call out Angle for a truce on tonight’s show, meaning their feud is likely going to continue until Lockdown.  We’re on the road to said PPV now, so let’s get to it.

Immediately Sting is here and he has a new TNA World Title belt which looks a bit like a UFC belt.  He has the Hardy belt in his hand.  Sting says that before Hogan’s show starts he wants Hogan and Bischoff down here now, or the show won’t start.  With the men in power in the ring, Sting hands Hulk the belt and says that’s all that’s left of Jeff Hardy.  Hogan throws it to the floor.

Sting wants to know how it feels to ruin a superstar like Jeff Hardy.  Sting says that Jeff is a grown man but Hogan and Bischoff turned him into something twisted and dark.  If they try to turn Jeff face out of this, I’m not sure what to think of that.  Sting says he can’t help Jeff Hardy but he can help the 50 guys in the back that are ready to go.

Hogan says he’s a Johnny Come Lately and that Hardy cost Immortal, not the other way around.  Hulk says that Jeff’s demise was his own fault and he couldn’t live up to the Immortal standards.  Hogan asks Sting why Immortal is all at the top of its game, even Matt Hardy.  Did he really just say that?  Hogan threatens Sting, saying don’t worry about saving the boys in the back, but rather saving himself.

Since he came back two weeks ago there have been main event guys calling him all the time wanting to come here and wanting to take Sting’s place.  Sting wants to know who’s been calling.  Cue, I kid you not, Bully Ray.  Ray says that he’s been ringing the phone off the hook because he’s been waiting for this chance all his life.  Ray kisses up to Hogan a bit, saying without him there would be no wrestling business.  True, but why is Bully Ray saying this?

He talks about how no matter what Sting does, he’ll never be able to beat Hogan.  The Bully asks to be part of Immortal and wants to become world champion.  The interesting thing is that Ray can actually talk well enough to be on this level, but at the end of the day he’s Bubba Ray Dudley.  Hogan says don’t worry about Sting and here’s Fourtune as we take a break.

Back with AJ saying Fourtune has Sting’s back.  He says Ray has always wanted to be a singles wrestler but he had a partner for the last 15 years that carried the load.  Bully wants to smack the silver spoon out of AJ’s mouth because Dixie has been carrying AJ the whole time.  Ray says without D-Von he would have been a 23 time world champion.  AJ slaps Bubba and here’s Anderson because there aren’t enough people out here already.

Anderson wants his rematch and says he’s a jerk about 10 times.  The fans laugh, proving why this is stupid.  It’s not a moment where people are supposed to laugh.  Hogan says Anderson couldn’t beat RVD.  Anderson says RVD couldn’t beat him either, so “it’s your call, TERRANCE.”  Oh yeah, he went there.  Bischoff does the ratings thing, four way is made: AJ vs. Ray vs. Anderson vs. RVD.  Great.

Angle is here with a big present for the newlyweds.

Back with AJ talking to RVD and wanting a partnership tonight in the main event.  RVD isn’t sure but more or less says no.

Knockouts Title: Madison Rayne vs. Alissa Flash

 

It’s another open challenge here.  Flash is more commonly known as Cheerleader Melissa or Raisha Saed.  And the Rayne Drop ends this in 19 seconds.  Why did this happen again?  Oh so Mickie James can come down.  Let me guess: that’s Lockdown because we didn’t have it enough in previous months?  Mickie makes the obvious challenge but Madison says Mickie has to put her hair up.  Mickie says cool.

Pope, looking like Orlando Jordan, is with a bunch of people that are pretending to have various ailments such as being fat, blind and in a wheelchair that he’s going to pretend to heal.  Oh dear.

Back with Anderson yelling at Hogan more.  He wants to know why he has to fight for a title shot he already owns.  That’s a great question since he won a #1 contenders match about three weeks ago.  Hogan says Anderson couldn’t beat RVD like always.  Hogan says do things the hard way or our way and he throws the cameraman out.

Time for Pope who is in a white suit.  He says that miracles need to be performed and tonight there will be miracles happening.  Pope says that Jesus can do this and so can he.  He takes the “blind” man’s glasses off and spits on his own hands, calling it holy oil.  The man can see now.  Next up is the lame man who he kicks in the legs and smacks him in the head.  The man pops up and kind of dances a bit.  Up last is the chick in the fat suit.  Pope grabs her…stomach I think and says that no one including Jesus could help her lose weight.

FINALLY Joe comes out to end this along with Okato.  This feud couldn’t be stupider if they tried to make it worse.  Pope yells at Joe for ruining Pope’s stuff.  Joe is getting fatter by the second I think.  Pope throws the people into it and pulls Okato out.  He puts a knife to Okato’s throat and in a funny bit keeps hitting Okato in the head for stepping on Pope’s shoes.  Pope kicks him in the cuts and throws him into the entrance area before jabbing his knife into his throat, showing that it’s fake.

Back and Pope is beating on Okato who is tied up.  Wait….where is Joe?  He takes the mask off and says he doesn’t like how Okato looks so put the mask back on.  He beats on Okato forever with a stick or a pole or something until Joe FINALLY shows up.  I guess they ran out of catering.  Also he calls him Okada when he comes up.  Joe is all mad or something.

RVD comes up to Anderson in the back and accuses him of joining Immortal.  Nothing of note is said but Anderson denies it.

Velvet and Winter argue about who gets to team up with Angelina as we hit one hour into the show.  Angelina leaves with Winter.

Here’s are the Jarretts for MORE TALKING.  Seriously, 60 minutes in, 19 seconds of wrestling.  Jeff calls himself the Ultra Male now.  I give up.  He says he has nothing left to prove but gets stopped by a Jarrett sucks chant.  There is nothing left for him to do to Angle so for the good of the kids, he’s offering a truce.  He says that they need to get along for the sake of their kids (are they breaking up or something?) and he’ll let Kurt beg for forgiveness.

Angle comes out with the big gift from earlier.  It’s pretty good sized, probably about four feet long and two feet wide.  I’d die of laughter if it’s an axe.  Angle says that Jeff is the better man and the father/husband that Kurt never could be.  He has a peace offering but Jeff is skeptical.  Jeff opens the paper like it’s Christmas morning and it’s…another box.  It’s a guitar with an American flag on it.  Naturally it winds up around Jeff’s head.  Karen tries to hit Angle in the balls butt there’s no effect.  I knew those steroids would catch up with him.  Ah it’s a cup.

He takes it out and smiles but then turns to yell at Jeff more.  Hey Karen, HIT HIM NOW!  Jeff is bleeding as Kurt says he’ll go medieval on him.  Kurt wants a match at Lockdown or he’ll come and hurt both of them.  Jeff, bleeding from the eye, says yes.  Kurt says don’t bother going to Hogan or Bischoff because he’ll find Jeff and hurt him.  Tell me that’s the end of the feud.

Bischoff is talking to Gunner/Murphy/Terry in the back and we hear the WE MUST HAVE ALL THE TITLES speech again.  Abyss has been stripped of the title (finally) and one of those three will win the title.

There’s a six person street fight coming later.

Back with Karen wanting the police here and shouting into the phone about it.  Jeff is mad at Kurt.

We get a video package about the TV Title match.  Why in the world do we need a hype video for that?

TV Title: Rob Terry vs. Gunner vs. Murphy

 

Gunner has the tattoos.  Got it.  The tag team jumps Terry but then splits up soon.  Hogan’s wife and Brooke (looks JUST like Linda) are here.  We split the screen for a bit to show that the cops are here for Angle.  People keep trying to steal wins which gets them nowhere.  Murphy and Terry slug it out with Terry winning.  Gunner pops up to spear him and then hits a modified F5 to win the title at 1:47.  The match didn’t even make it to two minutes.  Wow indeed.  Bischoff comes out to applaud.

AJ says he was trying to help RVD, not himself.

Back with the cops telling the Jarretts to chill.  Karen mentions a restraining order.

Hernandez/Sarita/Rosita vs. Matt Morgan/Winter/Angelina Love

 

Well I’ve always been a fan of mixing feuds like this.  Also, oddly enough Sarita might look better in long pants which is surprising.  Hernandez says welcome to Mexican America.  He says they’re taking over and whistles into the microphone.  Winter’s music is like a messed up lullaby which is pretty freaking awesome.  She has the blindfold on again.  This is a street fight.

Morgan hits the ring in jeans and the fight is on.  Oh and it’s one of those street fights where you have to tag.  The guys start as the girls fight on the floor.  The corner thing didn’t last long.  Morgan hammers away but the girls jump on him (lucky bastard).  He throws them off and Winter/Angelina destroy them.  A spinning backbreaker ends Rosita in 1:24.

Post match some Mexican guy (who appears to be Matt “Lowrider” Barela who was OVW Champion for the majority of last year) comes in but Morgan fights them off.

We come back with a recap video of the Anderson/RVD match at the PPV.

AJ Styles vs. Bully Ray vs. Mr. Anderson vs. Rob Van Dam

 

It’s 10:36 when these entrances start so there’s a ton of time here.  Surprisingly there’s no bell before we start.  Anderson vs. RVD and AJ vs. Ray to start.  No tagging here and it’s one fall to a finish which helps a bit.  Ray runs over AJ who nips up and takes him down with a rana.  Jumping forearm in the corner and AJ is in control.

Monkey flip is blocked and Anderson fights Ray.  RVD vs. Ray as AJ and Anderson have been knocked to the floor.  Van Dam gets Rolling Thunder but Anderson pulls Rob to the floor.  AJ gets a sunset flip on Anderson for two.  We’re firmly into the formula here of having each guy dominate for a bit but no one is really moving towards a finish.  At the moment it’s Ray taking over.

RVD takes down Ray but the Five Star misses.  Spinning Rock Bottom takes Anderson down but AJ gets a top rope cross body on Ray for two.  Middle rope kick to AJ gets two.  Neckbreaker to RVD gets two.  AJ dives out at Ray to the floor but lands on the ground.  Ray grabs a chair but Hebner pulls it away to save Styles.  The chair goes into the ring and Anderson suplexes RVD onto it and it’s a double pin at 5:55.  Ray drills the referee before the finish can be announced.  Are you serious?  RVD wasn’t on Anderson in any way at all.

Rating: C-. Decent match but dang it all GIVE US A CLEAN FINISH ALREADY!!!  Why is that so complicated?  I get that the triple threat at Lockdown is more or less a given, but dang it just announce that already.  This is beyond annoying at this point and the main event not even going six minutes is just pitiful at this point.

AJ and Ray fight up to the stage and Flair comes out to save Ray.  It’s a HUGE sitout powerbomb off the stage to put AJ through something that resembled a table next to the stage.  Everyone is out and we throw up an X.  They have to turn straightedge now?  We take a break with everyone down.

Back with Anderson and Ray having to be separated.  AJ is put in a neck brace and taken out on a stretcher.  So now their either first or second top face is doing an injury angle?  This is how the show ends.  We see replays and AJ is taken out.  That’s Impact for you this week folks.  Enjoy it TNA fans.  This is what you guys wanted right?  Give me a break.

Overall Rating: F. We get three and a half minutes out of the first 95 for actual wrestling and then we get that finish to the show?  Why does TNA always have to give us the “Thank you fans, but your #1 contender is on another show” finish every time?  We had 9:25 of total wrestling tonight.  I’m sorry but that’s ridiculous.  TNA had people paying attention after the Hardy fiasco and this is what we get?  Are you kidding me?  Terrible show where NOTHING happened.  This is one of the worst TV shows I’ve seen in months if not years.  Just awful.

Results

Madison Rayne b. Alissa Flash – Rayne Drop

Gunner b. Rob Terry and Murphy – F5 to Murphy

Matt Morgan/Winter/Angelina Love b. Rosita/Sarita/Hernandez – Winter pinned Rosita after a spinning backbreaker

Rob Van Dam vs. AJ Styles vs. Bully Ray vs. Mr. Anderson went to a no contest