Thunder
Date: May 17, 2000
Location: Cajundome, Lafayette, Louisiana
Attendance: 3,066
Commentators: Mike Tenay, Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan

I saw this on the WCW Vault channel so let’s take a look at this again. Thunder is of course an all time disaster of a wrestling show and we are at the point where WCW has more or less given up. The draw for this show is the Millionaires Club vs. the New Blood, with WCW thinking the fans would get behind the old rich wrestlers. Let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of recent carnage and chaos with no context whatsoever. This feels like a scene from a sitcom where someone is tasked with making a simple film but instead goes nuts and turns it into some art house deal which makes no sense but they blame the audience for not getting it (Diane did it on Cheers).

Opening sequence, featuring a countdown to the start of thunder. Isn’t the point of thunder that you don’t know when it’s going to start?

The New Blood arrives in a school bus, because that’s cool. Shane Douglas takes roll because Eric Bischoff has put him in charge. This leads to a fight with Konnan and here is the Millionaires Club, plus the Misfits In Action, running in for the brawl. Hulk Hogan, all in black with FUNB on his back (oh 2000 WCW, you glorious disaster), steals the keys to the bus.

Commentary welcomes us to the show and tells us that Eric Bischoff and Vince Russo aren’t here tonight. Dang I picked a good one.

Here is the Millionaires Club and the Misfits In Action, with Hulk Hogan saying they just stole the keys to the bus. Whatever Shane Douglas had planned is out the window because the Millionaires Club is booking the show tonight. Cue the New Blood, with Douglas telling Hogan to shut up. Hogan mocks Billy Kidman for the match at Slamboree and wants a rematch at the Great American Bash. If Hogan wins, he gets a World Title match at Bash At The Beach (DUN DUN DUN) and the match seems to be made.

As for tonight, Hogan wants to face Horace, but Jeff Jarrett cuts them off, saying he wants his World Title back. Cue champion Ric Flair (who would win and lose the title again before the end of the month) to deck Jarrett with the title and the big brawl is on again. So The Millionaires Club has already outsmarted the young, athletic guys and beaten them up twice inside of five minutes.

In the back, Konnan and Shane Douglas argue again, with Konnan and the rest of the Filthy Animals (Rey Mysterio, Juventud Guerrera and the Disco Inferno) walking out.

Misfits In Action vs. Filthy Animals

We also get Major Gunns, who is rather quickly oogled. Corporal Cajun plays to the crowd to start but gets jumped from behind, only for Inferno to get caught in the wrong corner for some running splashes. Gunns comes in for a chest to the face before it’s back to Guerrera for some dropkicks to Stash’s leg (with Schiavone getting Stash’s rank wrong, even if PRIVATE STASH makes more sense).

Mysterio comes in to take over on Rection (because…yeah that’s his name) in the corner, but the Bronco Buster is cut off. A powerbomb out of the corner drops Mysterio and it’s off to Loco vs. Konnan. Cue Shawn Stasiak (who is also part of the New Blood) to jump Loco for the DQ at 3:18.

Rating: C. Why do I have a bad feeling that this is going to be the best match on the show? You had a bunch of talented wrestlers in the ring here but there is only so much you can do when the match barely gets three minutes, especially with interference for a DQ ending. Also, it might be nice to have commentary explain why Stasiak was out there, but I’m assuming it just a battle of the stables.

Post match the MIA gets beaten down but Booker T. makes the save. Gunns gives Loco mouth to mouth. This allows commentary to talk about her lung capacity, because this is what WCW 2000 was like. And that’s the real reason this match existed: to put Major Gunns over.

The Millionaires Club is happy, though Lex Luger goes to deal with something.

Booker T. is happy to be with the Misfits In Action and their FUBAR (FU Bischoff And Russo) shirts. He’s ready to declare all out war.

Hulk Hogan vs. Horace

This is a rematch from Nitro where Horace used a chair to win. Before the match, Hogan says he never did anything to deal with Horace’s father (Hogan’s brother) and now it’s time to teach Horace something. In the back, Horace decks Kidman so he can take Torrie Wilson with him. Hogan jumps Horace on the way in and hits a clothesline to send Horace outside. Horace is sent into the steps and Hogan whips out a table but takes too long, allowing Horace to fight back.

That lasts all of three seconds as Hogan fights back and Heenan and Tenay get into it over Hogan giving Horace chores when he was a kid. Heenan: “You have servants for that!”. Back in and Hogan whips him with a belt, followed by a clothesline with said belt. Wilson gets up for a distraction and gets in a kiss on the cheek from Horace, which draws Kidman out to jump Horace. Hogan is back up to chair Horace in the back, sends Kidman through the table, and gets the pin at 3:56.

Rating: D. And yeah there you go: Hogan squashes Horace and beats up Kidman at the same time, just to show you that this isn’t so much a competition as much as it is the Millionaires Club having target practice. I get that Horace wasn’t going to be the next big thing, but this was domination and that doesn’t help anyone but Hogan. Also, Stasiak interfering in the previous match draws a DQ but Hogan can use a belt, a chair, and shrug off interference and the referee is fine with it?

Post match Hogan kisses Wilson, who seems to love it. Just in case you didn’t get that Hogan is the star here.

Lex Luger is in a car and wants to go find a gym. He’s told “go down here and make a right, you can’t miss it”, which is quite the detailed set of directions.

Post break, Luger winds up at a gym and finds Chuck Palumbo lifting so Luger beats him up with a muscle bar and various other things. Luger whips him with a belt, which is the second segment in a row with the same weapon. He drops a 40lb weight on his ribs too and then throws it away, totally showing that it isn’t fake in the slightest. Luger pours a protein shake over him for a bonus as the New Blood gets humiliated again.

Ralphus and Norman Smile have “t-sherts fer sale” in the parking lot because they need to eat.

Hardcore Title: Terry Funk vs. Ernest Miller

Funk is defending and calls Miller out. Miller comes to the stage and threatens to whip the old piece of junk, earning himself a DDT for two. A neckbreaker gets the same but Miller kicks him in the head and they fight to the back. They brawl with various items and a chair to the head drops Funk. We hear about Funk’s career, with Heenan sounding very respectful of him, as Funk comes back with a trashcan. A bag of popcorn to the head rocks Funk and he gets sent into a steel door.

The door is slammed down onto Funk before Miller lifts it up. Tenay: “If he hadn’t lifted the door, how could Funk have kicked out?” They go outside where Miller spins a rake around and hits him in the face. Smiley and Ralphus t-shert stand is broken up and Funk beats on Ralphus’ car with a chair. Funk breaks that up and throws him into the (open) hood of the trunk. Smiley tries to sell Miller a shirt and gets yelled at, so Smiley chairs him into the trunk, where Funk gets the pin to retain at 5:41.

Rating: C+. This started off lame but then Funk turned into his usual amazing self and got the stupid thing over. WCW’s hardcore stuff was stupid and Bischoff going after Funk and the Hardcore Title wasn’t much better, but sweet goodness Funk could make it work just due to talent, willpower and effort. Far more entertaining than it had any right to be.

Post break, Normal Smiley and Ralphus are arrested for selling bootleg merchandise.

Here is Mike Awesome with a stretcher to announce that he’s facing Diamond Dallas Page in am ambulance match at the Great American Bash. He wants an ambulance match right now though and we have a taker.

Scott Steiner vs. Mike Awesome

Steiner’s US Title isn’t on the line in an ambulance match. Steiner says that he’s not in the Millionaires Club or the New Blood but wants to give Awesome a beating. Awesome gets knocked to the floor to start where he grabs a chair to throw inside. Steiner pulls that out of the air (dang) and throws it back at Awesome. Some suplexes drop Awesome and Steiner gets the Recliner but Goldberg’s music starts playing.

We cut to the back where Tank Abbott imitates Goldberg’s entrance. Steiner stands still and watches the whole thing as Abbott comes into the arena. Cue Rick Steiner to help Abbott beat up Scott, with Awesome getting up to help. Cue the Goldberg monster truck into the arena, with Scott throw Abbott and Rick onto the hood. The truck drives away (no driver is seen) and Awesome jumps into the ambulance, which is enough for Scott to win at 4:54.

Rating: F. When I watch these shows, it starts to make me wonder just how much they spent on this nonsense. Not only did they have two vehicles in the match, but Awesome basically walked out, making the ambulance COMPLETELY unnecessary. I know it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things, but it’s that “oh who cares” mentality that helped kill WCW.

The New Blood continues bickering.

Chris Kanyon is in a halo in his hospital room and has weakness in his extremities. Now he doesn’t want to wrestle anymore because he just wants to walk again. Mike Tenay asks why Kanyon got involved in the cage match at Slamboree, where Mike Awesome threw him off the cage to injure him.

Kanyon keeps mentioning Diamond Dallas Page and Tenay brings up their history, but Page is up walking around while Kanyon is here. It’s true that Page has done a lot for him and he was here with him the night of the injury. Since then, Page is on the road wrestling but he’s calling multiple times a day. He hopes Page survives. Say it with me: then Kanyon turned on Page.

Kronik calls Shane Douglas, who wants to fight him in a three way dance. The New Blood walks out on him.

During a break, Kronik broke into Douglas’ locker room and dragged him to the ring.

Bryan Clark vs. Bryan Adams vs. Shane Douglas

So this is a triple threat instead of a handicap match due to reasons. Kronik double teams him to start and Clark hits the Meltdown (pumphandle powerslam), followed by Adams hitting an F5. Cue the Wall with a table so Douglas can go through it, setting up High Times (double chokeslam) to give Clark the pin at 3:05.

Rating: D-. As much as I enjoy seeing Douglas get beaten down, it makes me wonder why this was a thing that happened. It was another case of the old guys getting to wreck one of the “new” stars (ignore that Douglas had been around since the mid 80s) and make him look worthless. Other than making the Millionaires Club look great, how does this help anyone?

Here is World Champion Ric Flair (for the fifteenth time) and he can’t believe it happened again. Flair puts over Jeff Jarrett as a great wrestler and says he got lucky to win, but that’s what he did. He respects Jarrett, who isn’t the World Champion anymore. Now though, Flair needs to get his personal life in order. His son has been corrupted by Vince Russo, a skinny little Italian kid who grew up in New York. Like everyone else, Russo wanted to be like Bruno Sammartino, the champion of the WWWF (yes he got the extra W in there).

Then Russo’s dad bought him the cable and he saw Ric Flair in Atlanta and that’s what Russo wanted to be. Russo’s dad panicked because a good Catholic boy can’t be like the Nature Boy. Russo had no muscles, girlfriends or long limousines, so he could he be Flair? Now Russo is grown up and the only thing he has is a checkbook. Russo couldn’t control anyone from Flair to Sting to Hulk Hogan but he still wanted to be Flair.

But he’s still just a skinny little boy with no muscles and now Flair is the champ again. Now the title belongs to the old generation again (oh that doesn’t sound as good as WCW thinks it does) and the title is all that matters. Since Russo can’t have Flair, he’s trying to do it through Flair’s son. Cue Jeff Jarrett to interrupt to say he’s sick of hearing this and the brawl is on.

Cue Crowbar and David Flair to jump Flair (with Daffney screaming as only she could) but Arn Anderson runs in with a pipe for the save. Anderson says he’s old school too and last week, Russo opened up a sleeping dog. Anderson wakes up grumpy and he was happy with working backstage, doing whatever he could.

The reality though is he’s a wrestler and when he comes home and sees one of his kids playing with matches, he doesn’t care about women’s groups, because he’ll take off his belt and whip some discipline into his son. David needs to stop listening to that guy from New York City because he’s 0-everything. Anderson holds up the Four Horsemen sign and says it’s time for a Horsemen beating. Sweet goodness that Horsemen song is still amazing.

Other than that though, this was straight fire from Ric, who was doing one of those promos that makes him sound like he’s a cross between insane and the most passionate man in wrestling. That’s one of the reasons he’s a legend, but it brings up the big problem: he’s doing this to deal with Vince Russo. Put him against pretty much anyone else (excluding Jarrett because it just wasn’t going to happen) and this would have been outstanding stuff. As it is, it’s just more proof that Flair could still bring it when he was trying.

Vampiro is in the back with a Sting mask…which he lights on fire.

Here is Sting in the ring to say he’s this close to snapping. Tonight, he’s taking Vampiro out right here in Louisiana. Cue Vampiro to say “Stinger”, which Tenay interprets as “he just called him STEVE”, and ask about Sting not finishing the job in the cage last night. Maybe there is a little bit of Sting that likes Vampiro and wants to be like him. Vampiro challenges Sting to an Inferno match at the Great American Bash, where you have to light your opponent on fire to win. Sting: “You’re psycho man.”

They aren’t doing that match, but Vampiro says sting doesn’t have a choice. Then the ropes, or at least some parts of them, light on fire. Ignore the guy with the blowtorch lighting them on fire on camera of course. Then the fire goes out so Sting stands on the ropes to pose. So Sting is Undertaker and Vampiro is Kane? That’s bad.

Shane Douglas is worried about Bischoff and Russo being mad at them and sends Jeff Jarrett to fix things.

Crowbar/Jeff Jarrett/David Flair vs. Ric Flair/Arn Anderson

Non-title and Ric is in street clothes after Daffney’s screaming music plays by mistake. We cut to the back where Anderson has been beaten down by David and company so here is Jarrett to jump Ric on the stage. Ric fight back and they get inside but here are David and Crowbar to beat Ric down. David Figure Fours Ric but here is Kevin Nash….and Ric small packages Daffney for the win at 1:23.

Post match Ric gets the Figure Four on Daffney and Nash no sells a chair shot from Jarrett. With the villains dispatched, Ric collapses on the ramp, which Flair has said was part of a legitimate inner ear issue and not a storyline.

The New Blood gets on their bus but the Millionaires Club runs in to TURN THE BUS OVER (because that’s a thing) and the Goldberg monster truck charges at the bus to end the show.

Overall Rating: F. WOW. Normally I would say I have no idea where to start, but in this case, it’s somehow all about Bischoff and Russo. The whole point of this show is that the two of them weren’t here and the New Blood was completely massacred by the Millionaires Club all night as a result.

That’s where we are: a group of young, talented wrestlers got beaten up by the old (and also talented) wrestlers because Bischoff and Russo weren’t there to save them. Meanwhile, the Rock, HHH, Benoit, Jericho, Angle, the Hardys, the Dudleys, Edge and Christian and more were tearing it up on Raw and Smackdown. It’s a miracle WCW lasted as long as they did. Flair’s promo was awesome, but as usual that’s not enough to save this mess.

Oddly enough, for some reason I remembered a lot about this show, which I’ve only seen once since it originally aired. I remember Luger saying “great set man” to Palumbo in the gym, the Hogan kiss and the bus being overturned. I’m not sure what that says, but there are memorable points even in this kind of a wretched show.

 

 

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Monday Nitro #243
Date: June 5, 2000
Location: Philips Arena, Atlanta, Georgia
Attendance: 13,487
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Scott Hudson, Mark Madden

It’s the go home show for the Great American Bash and they finally have the main event set as Kevin Nash is going to get a shot at Jeff Jarrett’s World Title. Tonight’s big match is the long awaited Goldberg vs. Tank Abbott showdown. Given that it’s a Russo run show, you never know what changes we might see so let’s get to it.

We recap Abbott vs. Goldberg in a failed attempt to make us believe that Abbott has a chance.

Here are Russo and Bischoff to open things up with Eric professing his LOVE for the crowd. If this show is as bad as I’m expecting, he needs to work on how he professes his affection for people. Bischoff brags about Luger being out with a broken face and Liz being too scared to come out of her dressing room. Wait if Luger isn’t here why did Liz show up?

Tonight Nash is running the New Blood gauntlet and if he loses, he’s out of the title match on Sunday. Also, Jarrett will defend the title against Sting. If they love Jarrett so much, why are they always putting him through this stuff? Russo whines about being forced out of New York and having nothing left to do but come down here to Atlanta. Tonight he’s going to destroy Space Mountain inside the big cage (a Cell instead of a regular cage) and give Flair the brain damage he deserves.

Bischoff promises to take the Hardcore Title from Terry Funk tonight. He’s not kidding is he? Eric rants about Goldberg messing up the plans to take out Nash last week and threatens to suspend him, only to have Goldberg himself come out. Russo says Goldberg has never dealt with a New Yorker and tells him to SPEAR THIS and does a crotch chop. So he wants…..never mind. Goldberg charges through security but the bosses escape.

After a break we look at what just happened and DJ Ran can be heard in the background. At least he’s not up in my area anymore.

Bischoff and Russo yell at the New Blood. Torrie can be seen storming off as this goes on. Good for her.

Tag Team Titles: Kronik vs. Chuck Palumbo/Shawn Stasiak

Rematch from Thunder where Stasiak/Palumbo took the belts via DQ. It’s a brawl to start until we get down to Palumbo charging into Clark’s elbow as the other two fight on the ramp. Shouldn’t Stasiak be destroyed by Adams in a straight fight? All four wind up in the ring and Clark plants Palumbo with a quick Meltdown. Remember when that was a big move and not just a transitional one for a guy in a tag team?

To make sure it’s clear how low that move has sunk, Adams throws Chuck (still legal I believe) to the floor to work on Stasiak, who seems to be legal by default now. Cue the Cat as Stasiak punches back on Adams but Palumbo has to come in to break up a piledriver attempt. A neckbreaker from Shawn brings Palumbo back in but Stasiak comes right back in with a high cross body.

Adams is tired of his hair being messed up and grabs a backbreaker on Shawn, setting up the tags to Clark and Palumbo. Clark cleans house but the Cat gets in the ring and threatens the referee. Palumbo and Clark fight into the crowd and Adams drops Stasiak onto the steps. With everyone on the floor, Cat grabs the referee and demands a count right now. Adams throws Stasiak in and Cat counts a very fast eight nine ten to retain the titles.

Rating: D+. This wasn’t the worst match but you knew we were getting a screwy ending. Here’s the problem with this show: the ending here makes sense as Palumbo and Stasiak can’t hang with Kronik in a straight match so the heel boss is cheating. That’s standard operating procedure and makes sense here. However, when you have some kind of shenanigans of some sort in every match, something good like this has no impact.

Kronik goes after Cat but the champs make the save and take the beating themselves.

Kidman yells at Torrie (in a bikini with a skirt) for some reason until Major Gunns of all people makes the save, earning her some swearing.

Nash doesn’t have much to say about the gauntlet match but chuckles at being the last man in the building. “My gimmick’s alive!”

Video on Kidman vs. Hogan.

Gunns cries to the Misfits about what Kidman said to her. G.I. Bro promises to take care of things.

Goldberg chats with Nash and Steiner.

G.I. Bro vs. Kidman

So why would Russo and Bischoff grant Bro this match and what else did they have planned here? Booker is wrestling in his hat and clotheslines Kidman down to start. Some right hands in the corner have Kidman in even more trouble but Booker calls Gunns in for Shattered Dreams but here’s Kidman to hit him low instead. As usual, the referee doesn’t care about interference so Booker gets the pin off a Rock Bottom.

Both groups come in for the brawl and the Animals dominate.

Hardcore Title: Eric Bischoff vs. Terry Funk

Funk is defending and Bischoff has the Cat with him to make this a bit less painful. Cat kicks a chair into Funk’s face, allowing Bischoff to demonstrate his nunchucks. Funk comes back with a trashcan and shields himself from Bischoff’s shots over and over. The villains run away and Funk chases them to the back…..and that’s it for now I guess.

The announcers chat so here’s Miss Hancock to dance. Before she can get anywhere, here are Kimberly and Awesome (with new music). Kimberly accuses Hancock of stealing her spotlight and doing it very poorly. Apparently the stripping secretary look was out in 1993 and isn’t doing anything for Hancock today. Kimberly hits her with the clipboard and leaves, but Hancock calls Kimberly fat (likely not allowed on TV today) and tells her to get back here. They’ll fight later apparently.

As they leave, Funk wheels Bischoff back to ringside (with Awesome looking at them without stopping) but we cut to the back (segment #4 in this match) to see Russo sending in the Mamalukes. Funk loads up a Stinkface but the Mamalukes come in and lay out Funk in less than two minutes, giving Bischoff the pin and the title.

Rating: F. Why let a wrestler do this when you can have a writer do it for you? The whole idea has been throwing challenger after challenger at Funk and he somehow escapes each time. Now for some reason the big ending is Bischoff taking the title instead of the Mamalukes, who haven’t done anything in months other than be more names on a long list of New Blood members. Let them be the ones to take the title instead, because this was all about giving Bischoff the spotlight because he hasn’t gotten enough of it yet. Such is life in WCW.

The Flairs are here.

US Title: Scott Steiner vs. Vampiro

Steiner is defending and talks about meeting up with some woman in Atlanta earlier today. For reasons that likely connect to Russo’s view on women, the Freaks are very pleased by this story. Vampiro has the gas and blow torch with him. The champ pounds away in the corner to start and throws Vampiro around with ease. A hard clothesline sets up the bicep elbow and they head outside.

Steiner blasts him in the back with a chair and slams him through a table as this is totally one sided so far. Vampiro pops back up and sends Scott into the barricade before throwing him back inside for a top rope spinwheel kick. There’s a blow torch to the face, only to have Midajah come in off the top with a high cross body. Vampiro chases her up the ramp with the gas and torch but here’s Sting for the save. Again, NONE OF THIS IS A DQ so Steiner suplexes Vampiro again and puts on the Recliner to retain.

Rating: D. So Steiner squashes Vampiro, Vampiro can only get back in it by cheating, then a baseball bat to the ribs isn’t enough for a DQ. There was no mention of Steiner’s title defense on Sunday because I’d be surprised they remember that he actually has a match on the pay per view. This wasn’t a bad squash until it got all zany with the fire stuff.

Tank Abbott vs. Goldberg

Tank chills on the floor for a bit until Goldberg catches him with a superkick….and it’s Rick Steiner coming in with a chair. Two shots and the big right hand from Tank get two and we’ve got Nash coming through the crowd (smart) for the save. Goldberg spears Abbott and hits the Jackhammer for the pin. This was exactly what I was expecting: a segment instead of a match, even though they could have done exactly the same thing in a two minute squash.

Kimberly yells about Hancock.

WCW World Title: Sting vs. Jeff Jarrett

Sting is challenging and again this is in the middle of the card. Jeff jumps him during the entrances but Sting comes right back with a hot shot. Jeff’s dropkick is blocked by a powerbomb and he has to kick away from a Deathlock. Sting takes a chair to the back and they brawl around ringside for a bit. A clothesline puts the champ back inside and we get the sunset flip with the referee kicking Jeff’s hands away spot. Back up and Sting grabs a rollup for the pin and the title out of nowhere, beating Jarrett in less than two and a half minutes.

Oh never mind as Bischoff comes out and says he changed his mind because that wasn’t a title match. Jeff tries a belt shot but Sting ducks and puts him in the Deathlock on the ramp as Hudson talks about a Dusty Finish. Sting clocks Jarrett with the guitar and goes after Bischoff. Spoiler for later: save for Jarrett being taken away in an ambulance, neither Sting nor Jarrett will be seen for the rest of the show. The World Champion just got pinned clean in less than three minutes in the middle of a show six days before he defends the title in the main event of a pay per view. By the way, here are the recent ratings for Raw and Nitro:

May 22 – Raw: 7.1, Nitro: 3.0

May 29 – Raw: 6.4, Nitro: 3.0

June 5 – Raw: 5.9, Nitro: 2.8

June 12 – Raw: 6.8, Nitro: 3.0

Yeah keep going with that burying your champion after changing the title 18 times in five months. Maybe if you work hard, Raw will only double your numbers.

Jeff is put in an ambulance.

Here are Awesome and Kimberly to deal with Hancock. Before Hancock comes out though, Awesome talks trash about Page and introduces the women. Kimberly is ready to go but Hancock insists that Kimberly sign a release for the beating she’s about to get. Kimberly signs it so Hancock flashes the Diamond Cutter sign. Cue Page, but Kimberly brings up the restraining order. CAN YOU PLEASE JUST GET TO A MATCH??? As I’m sure you can guess, Kimberly just signed away the restraining order and it’s time for a mixed tag.

Kimberly/Mike Awesome vs. Diamond Dallas Page/Miss Hancock

The girls start but Kimberly poses instead of doing anything. Hancock goes after her and Kimberly calls that pathetic. Now it’s time for Hancock to dance before she rips the M off the ME on Kimberly’s top. We’re still waiting on anything to actually happen. Kimberly tries to slap Page but he gets his hand up.

They catfight for a bit until Hancock slaps Awesome and runs over to Page for an actual wrestling match. Page speeds it up with a jumping clothesline and starts a brawl. That goes nowhere so Page tries a backslide, only to take a low blow to give Awesome control. Awesome sends Page flying with a nice German suplex but Page is right back up to send him into the buckle.

That’s enough wrestling (all minute and a half of it that we actually got) so they head outside with Awesome setting up a table. Back in and Awesome lands a frog splash as Hancock looks like she’d rather be anywhere else. Mike loads up the powerbomb over the top but Hancock pulls up her skirt for a distraction, allowing Page to grab a Diamond Cutter for the pin.

Rating: F. I know it’s hard to consider something a failure when it has Hancock and Kimberly in the same match but dear goodness this was a waste of time. This might have been fine on a house show but I’m supposed to believe that Awesome is this career killer and he’s in a glorified comedy mixed tag? Total waste of time.

Pamela tells us that Hulk isn’t fighting tonight.

Horace Hogan vs. Hulk Hogan

For some reason the cage is halfway down. Before the match, Bischoff says Jeff is going to be fine and tells Horace not to bother putting up a table because Hulk isn’t going to be here. So instead here’s Hollywood Hogan because this is different I guess. Hollywood asks for the cage to be completely lowered and it’s time for a Cell match because that’s what this match needed.

Hollywood starts in on the beating and it’s already weightlifting belt time. Horace bails to the floor where the beating continues but he kicks a chair into his uncle’s face to get a breather. Some chair shots hit the post though and Hollywood fights back, setting up the legdrop onto the chair onto Horace’s face for the pin.

Kidman comes in but gets beaten down as well.

Ric is ready for revenge. Yeah I’m sure.

Vince Russo vs. Ric Flair

Let’s get this over with because you know where this is going. Remember that this is in the Cell cage instead of a standard version, likely so we can have multiple interferences. Ric has Reid and Beth with him, meaning they’ll likely be kidnapped again. Russo looks terrified, albeit in a perfectly manly way. Vince grabs a headlock to start and shoulders Ric down. So he’s now on the list with names like Sting, Hogan and Luger.

Ric pops back up and goes for some chops but Russo kicks him low. Thankfully Flair is right back to his feet for some chops and a low blow of his own. This is probably more than Russo has sold since he’s been back. Ric suplexes him down and drops a knee because this is a wrestling match and not Russo’s total destruction because he’s the star of the show and therefore can’t take a beating like that. A few whips into the cage and chops have Russo in more trouble so here’s David Flair from under the ring to give Russo a chance.

So Ric beats up his son for a bit as Russo sets up a ladder in the ring for no apparent reason. He climbs up and pulls part of the roof down, likely so we can have more interference. Russo gets to the top of the cage but Ric follows him, only to get poked in the eye so Russo can get the better of it. Vince climbs back into the cage but Ric stomps his hands to make him fall. Since this is WCW, the camera misses the big crash.

Ric climbs down the ladder and puts Vince in the Figure Four, which Russo survives for OVER A MINUTE until the red liquid falls from the ceiling and knocks Ric and Charles Robinson out. David puts Ric in the Figure Four and Russo pops to his feet (not even a limp) and chokes Ric until Robinson counts the pin. Russo is polite enough to collapse after walking around the ring for a bit.

Rating: F. Think back for a minute to all the matches Flair has won with the Figure Four. He’s won titles, tournaments, showdowns, pay per view main events etc. with that hold and some of the biggest names of all time have passed out in the hold. You know who didn’t pass out or give up to it after nearly seventy seconds? Vince Russo. A writer, who still hasn’t lost a match in WCW and probably never will. Ric better have gotten a medal for putting Russo over like this because it

Nash and Steiner have a meeting before the main event.

The announcers chat for a bit. I always love seeing them at a makeshift table for some reason. It sums up WCW so well.

Kevin Nash vs. New Blood

Gauntlet match. Disco is out first in an Atlanta Falcons jersey, of course leading out Russo who is still not wearing a shirt. We get some Russo acting as he says Nash loses his shot if he gets pinned or if any of the Millionaires interfere. There are about ten guys on the ramp to come after Nash and Disco is in first, only to take a side slam for a quick pin after about nine seconds.

Candido and Johnny the Bull come in at the same time and Chris takes a Jackknife. Nash goes on to Johnny but the referee counts a pin on Candido, even though no one is touching him. Johnny gets the same treatment after a Jackknife, even though there was nothing stopping Nash from throwing a boot on him for a pin. Big Vito comes in and Nash Jackknifes him almost immediately for a “pin”. Even Nash seems confused as to why he doesn’t have to cover anyone and managed to get a boot on the chest at the three count.

Mysterio eats a big boot and Nash covers him with a boot for the pin. Normally I would make fun of Nash for embarrassing Mysterio like that but at least he’s trying to do this mess properly. Six guys come in for a big beatdown but here’s Goldberg to help Nash clean house. The match is thrown out somewhere at about two minutes and fifteen seconds. Yeah Nash beat (kind of at least) five guys in about a minute and WCW wonders why these guys weren’t taken seriously.

This brings out Bischoff to say that Goldberg is going to be suspended on Wednesday. Why he’s not suspended right now isn’t clear but Goldberg cuts him off to say if Bischoff suspends him, Bischoff is next to end the show.

Overall Rating: IWW. I was wrong. Dear goodness I was wrong about thinking it couldn’t get any worse than the things they had been doing. Between Russo staying in the Figure Four for over a minute and then not even limping ten seconds later to Bischoff winning a title to Nash and Goldberg running through the New Blood inside of five minutes to the World Champion losing in a nothing match that didn’t last three minutes, this show wasn’t just bad.

This show was running in the opposite direction and seemingly trying to either be as horrible and against what the fans wanted as possible. The pay per view was secondary to pushing the writers as the real stars of the show while so much of the night was about nothing. I have no idea what was supposed to make me want to get keep watching this show because the stories are totally uninteresting and far more confusing than they should be.

It’s really saying something when a show that aired over fifteen years ago makes me want to scream but this show pulled it off. WCW isn’t just about making Russo and Bischoff look good but now there’s almost nothing else on the show that I want to see. The World Title looks to be about on the same level as the WWF European Title (held by Eddie Guerrero at this point) right now and that’s not going to be enough to carry a promotion.

This company is about Russo and Bischoff vs. Nash, Goldberg and Hogan. Aside from being another version of the evil boss vs. the stars, the major problem here is none of the villains are treated like anything special, save for Russo and Bischoff. As I’ve said before, McMahon would take a beating and lose at times to make the winners look better. Russo still doesn’t get that though and it’s making for a horrible show, only to have the atrocious booking exacerbate everything. WCW can’t be saved by one tweak at this point, but at least it could hurt less. Unfortunately it’s probably going to get worse. It always does.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of Complete 1997 Monday Night Raw Reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Monday Nitro #239
Date: May 8, 2000
Location: Trans World Dome, St. Louis, Missouri
Attendance: 6,545
Commentators: Scott Hudson, Mark Madden, Tony Schiavone

Sanity. I beg of you, let there be some sanity on this show. We’re FINALLY past the David Arquette title scene, meaning it’s time to start the build to Ric Flair vs. Jeff Jarrett for the World Title at the Great American Bash. Last night’s show was pretty much a disaster, which you could actually argue as a major upgrade. There might even be rules tonight! Let’s get to it.

By the way: the Trans World Dome has a capacity of 66,000 people. Whoever decided to book this building needs to be shot.

We open with a recap from last night which doesn’t work in a minute long package either.

Page is sitting next to Kanyon’s hospital bed with Kanyon in a halo. The New Blood came in and destroyed Page because, as Punk said on Raw that one time, security around here sucks. Kimberly emptied a bedpan on him because that kind of stuff is funny you see.

The Millionaire’s Club’s bus arrives. You can hear Flair talking about wrestling history in this city from here.

Here’s the New Blood, complete with David Arquette in a yellow suit and matching fur coat, to open things up. Bischoff goes through the entire plan of being in league with Arquette the whole time and how they handed Page and then Arquette the title just because they felt like it. So in other words, they did this whole thing for the sake of having fun and were willing to just drop the title because they were bored one day?

Bischoff says he did it to get under the skin of the internet wrestling fans who all thought it was a disgrace to have Arquette win the title. He wanted to royally screw Page. So…..he made him World Champion? Arquette does the big over the top heel speech about how you can’t trust anyone from Hollywood and he roped Page in and because World Champion. Jarrett brags a bit and we cut to the back to see Page arriving. Kimberly says it’s all about her and rips open her coat to reveal very little clothing aside from a purple sports bra with ME written on it. Bischoff: “It’s all about…..her!”

Awesome makes fun of Kanyon being crippled and here’s Page for the brawl. House is cleaned and Arquette takes a Diamond Cutter, only to have Jarrett, Awesome and Cat come back in for the beatdown. This brings out Sting to clean house, which draws in Bagwell/Douglas (confirmed as the champions. It only took five days to figure that out, but Kronik cancels them out and the Millionaire’s Club stands tall.

Post break, Bischoff makes Awesome vs. Page in a stretcher match and Sting vs. Jarrett in a title match.

Hardcore Title: Ralphus/Norman Smiley vs. Terry Funk

Funk is defending and Norman/Ralphus are fired if they lose. Norman sends Ralphus after Funk first and it works even worse than you would expect it to. The champ knocks Norman into the crowd and they quickly fight into the back with Smiley jumping into a golf cart to chase Funk around.

Terry gets on the back of the card and they go crashing into some crates. This is eerily reminiscent of Kane vs. Raven vs. Big Show at Wrestlemania XVII. They wind up in the kitchen and start beating each other over the head with cookie sheets. Ralphus joins them and gets beaten down all over again. Funk pounds them both down with a sheet and gets the pin to retain.

Rating: C. Oh come on how can you not love Ralphus? It’s a stupid match and a stupid idea that needs to die already but I had a good time with this due to them cutting it down to about four minutes instead of the ten minutes they went at Slamboree. This was one of the more entertaining hardcore matches with the golf cart as a funny idea. Norman and Ralphus have potential.

The announcers talk about David Flair turning on his dad.

Ric tells Luger that he has to deal with David on his own.

Here’s Ric to talk about how Terry Funk told him if he wanted to be a big star, he had to make it to St. Louis on a Friday night. He holds up the NWA World Heavyweight Title (held by Naoya Ogawa at this point) and talks about first seeing it around the waist of Jack Brisco and they gave every single thing they had to be the biggest stars in the world. Then that title went away and the current World Title (Flair holds up a bad looking copy) took its place. “Jarrett, it was mine before it was yours.”

All of this gold means nothing though when you compare it to what happened last night. Ric wants David to come out here right now and apologize for what he did and be his own man instead of trying to be Ric Flair. Cue David and Daffney but Russo quickly joins them. Last night, Russo spat in the face of a long list of people who stand for tradition. Of course he has an actual list and the top name is Ric himself. Now David is standing next to the father that he never had.

Ric tells David that they discussed this when he got in the business a year ago. He told David that people would pull him aside and try to manipulate him. David says he’s angry at Ric (he doesn’t say dad) and Russo wants to make father vs. son at the Great American Bash. Ric pulls out his phone and says he’ll call Vince McMahon right now and have David on Raw next week. David hugs Ric, who goes after Russo, only to have David hit Ric with another Statute of Liberty. The angle is good and interesting, but as usual it’s all about making Russo look good.

Post break, Ric says he’s had it and leaves.

Here’s Chuck Palumbo to Luger’s (the announcers are using the name again) entrance to introduce himself. He calls out Luger so here’s Lex to clean house. Russo and Bischoff’s security comes out to kidnap Liz (again?) but Luger goes after them, allowing Palumbo to hit Lex with the exercise bar. Liz is taken away.

Post break Russo yells at Liz and puts her in her first ever match against Daffney. If Liz wins, she can go with Luger.

Shawn Stasiak vs. Captain Rection

Stasiak runs down Mark McGwire for some easy heat. Rection shrugs off some early offense and pounds down right hands in the corner. Cue Miss Hancock to watch as Hennig comes down to shove Stasiak out of the way of a splash. The PerfectPlex gives Stasiak the pin.

Kevin Nash comes out and destroys Stasiak with a big boot and Jackknife. Nash wants Russo to come out here and face him tonight because he didn’t kill Nash last night. Instead he gets the Filthy Animals with Kidman saying that Nash is low on the scrotum pole (censored when Kidman says it, not censored when Madden repeats it).

Last night Kidman got rid of Hogan and tonight he’d be glad to get rid of another giant. Konnan says screw the Wolfpac and Nash’s over the top shocked face is rather funny. Rey gets in a bat shot to Nash’s knee but Hogan (Madden: “Oh no not again.”) makes the save. Nash grabs the mic and issues a challenge for a street fight tonight. Hogan says first they have to take a Russo and wipe their Bischoff. I bet he spent all day coming up with that line.

Mike Awesome vs. Diamond Dallas Page

Stretcher match. Bischoff and Kimberly are here for commentary. Page is on Awesome during the entrance and they’re quickly on the floor. He throws Mike onto the announcers’ table but Awesome comes back with a right hand to the head as they go inside. They miss a few shots until Page finally nails a big clothesline.

A DDT drops Mike again but Kimberly wants Page to sign the divorce papers RIGHT NOW. Awesome gets in a cheap shot and DDT’s Page on a chair twice in a row. Page gets off the stretcher though so Awesome hits him with a chair to bust him open. A powerbomb puts Page through the table and Bischoff has Page sign the papers in his own blood before putting him on the stretcher for the win.

Rating: D+. I wasn’t wild on this one as it was much more story than a match but at least they gave it some time (well time by this era’s standards) for a change. The stuff with Kimberly is fine but again it comes off like a way to have Bischoff next to a gorgeous woman instead of any valid storyline reason.

Russo asks Steiner for protection tonight but Steiner blows him off. Post break Russo is asking Tank Abbott.

Jarrett says he’ll win tonight.

Here are Steiner and the girls with something to say. Steiner talks about beating Rection last night and he found one of his own with the girls at the hotel. After some more sex talk, Steiner calls out that amoeba Booker T. Tank Abbott comes in from behind and knocks Steiner out cold.

Sting says he’ll win tonight.

Harlem Heat vs. Kronik vs. Harris Twins vs. Mamalukes

Elimination rules. Adams and Clark have the title belts so Bagwell and Douglas to watch. Kronik fights off all six men until it’s one of the Twins in the ring. Clark takes him down with a top rope clothesline but let’s cut to Steiner in the back shouting for Tank. Schiavone: “He may be looking for Tank Abbott!” Everyone gets in for another big brawl but Adams hits an F5 for the pin on Vito to even things up a bit more. A big boot takes out Don and it’s 2-2 so Bagwell and Douglas try to help. Harlem Heat double teams Clark down but Cash screws up, leaving High Times to knock Big T. silly and give Kronik the win.

Rating: D. This was another big mess that didn’t get anywhere because it was too much going on. Kronik is clearly getting the titles soon and it’s a good thing to get them off the transitional champions as fast as possible. It also goes to show you how far the division has fallen recently, but at least the Twins are just another team.

Scott Steiner comes out and beats up whoever is in his way before calling out Russo and Abbott. A lot of swearing sends us to the back where Tank is telling someone to get this right. Back from a break and Goldberg’s music plays. Steiner looks bored and it’s Tank Abbott doing Goldberg’s entrance. Tank gets caught in a t-bone suplex followed by a belly to belly before Steiner mounts him with a choke. Rick Steiner returns through the crowd and helps Tank beat him down.

Russo tells someone to be on standby.

Elizabeth vs. Daffney

Liz is in camo pants and a black t-shirt and starts catfighting. Cue Madusa about thirty seconds in to attack Liz, so I guess Liz is free. Granted she’ll be kidnapped again next week.

Mona comes in to brawl with Madusa but Madusa slams her down and stands on her hair. The bell rings roughly 200 times as Madusa beats Mona down, only to have Liz blast Madusa with a chair. Russo and Bischoff’s security kidnaps Liz again as they’re in a hurry this week.

Hulk Hogan/Kevin Nash vs Filthy Animals/Mike Awesome

Street fight. Tony says the previous match was thrown out but I’m the kind of wrestling fan who believes that it’s a DQ when someone comes out to attack a single wrestler so we’ll say it’s a bad continuity error. It’s 4-2 (Konnan/Mysterio/Kidman/Awesome) to start but Juvy walks out a few seconds in. The old guys take over to start but Hogan gets lured to the back. Horace attacks Awesome but the Animals have attacked Hogan with ball bats (he didn’t go off his feet) and thrown him in the trunk of a car. Back in the arena, Nash gives Juvy one heck of a Jackknife as the street fight is thrown out.

The Animals start driving Hogan away but get cut off by Goldberg’s monster truck. Goldberg isn’t seen and Hogan gets out of the trunk post break.

WCW World Title: Jeff Jarrett vs. Sting

Jarrett is defending of course. Sting starts fast with some Japanese armdrags of all things, followed by a clothesline to put the champ on the floor. A suplex from the floor puts Jeff on the ramp (that’s a new one) but Sting misses a top rope splash. Jeff goes after the knee with a chair as Tony wonders why Jarrett didn’t want this to be a title match. Sting gets a big running start down the ramp and dives over the top with a clothesline. So much for the chair shots to the knee.

Jeff didn’t get the idea though and puts on the Figure Four until Sting rolls over to break it up. Sting makes his comeback and cleans house. The Scorpion comes on but Vampiro comes up through the ring with smoke coming out of the hole. Vampiro pulls Sting through the hole and the fans are LIVID. Vampiro pulls Sting, now covered with the red liquid, through the hole to give Jeff the pin. So Madusa coming after Liz is enough to throw a match out but someone pulling a wrestler THROUGH THE RING isn’t?

Rating: D+. This was as good of a wrestling match as you were going to get before the screwy ending. Jarrett and Sting are a good example of a pair who doesn’t need any kind of outside stuff to have a good match and the fans were right to be upset due to that ending. It was straight out of Kane’s (as in what Kane did like a week before this was written fifteen years later. That’s sad) playbook and that’s not going to fly in an old school down like St. Louis.

New Blood comes out and goes after Sting but here are Hogan and Nash. We cut to the back to see the Goldberg truck destroying Tank Abbott and Rick Steiner’s car to end the show.

Overall Rating: C-. Of course that’s on an extremely sliding scale at this point. This was by far the best Russo and Bischoff show yet as it actually had some structure. It went from story to story and it didn’t feel like I needed note cards to keep track of what was going on. Above all else though, Arquette was taking a backseat to the real wrestlers and not doing anything overly stupid. This flowed so much better as a show and you could tell what was going on, which is more than you can say for most of their shows.

Now that doesn’t make it a good show of course. As usual, there’s still WAY too much Russo and Bischoff, as well as way too much going on in a single show. I still feel like I just watched three weeks of stories in two hours, but the stories made better sense and had some structure instead of all the insanity.

Above all else though, the show isn’t one major story. The show is built around the New Blood vs. Millionaire’s Club, but it feels like a bunch of parts of that story instead of one big idea that keeps going all night long. Finally, it’s also not a good sign that they couldn’t make it a week without changing Flair’s plan for the pay per view, but Heaven forbid we get a match built up for that long. The idea of Russo having to fill that much time is terrifying. Much better show this week, but I have no faith for them to keep it going.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of Complete 1997 Monday Night Raw Reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Thunder
Date: May 3, 2000
Location: Mid-South Coliseum, Memphis, Tennessee
Attendance: 3,979
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, Bobby Heenan

It’s the go home show for Slamboree and David Arquette is still World Champion. They’ve done a horrible job of setting up the triple cage match as the gimmick has barely been mentioned outside of a video on it early in the buildup. Instead it’s all about David Arquette, who wouldn’t prove to be the strongest draw. Let’s get to it.

Opening sequence.

The Millionaire’s Club and others (including Hugh Morrus) are outside waiting on the New Blood. Another car comes up and the low level New Blood members get jumped.

After a Slamboree ad, Russo and Bischoff yell at the rest of the team for not protecting them. So…..this is going to be one of those shows about the two of them.

Here’s the New Blood for a chat. Oh yeah it’s a one note show. Russo immediately calls out the Millionaire’s Club and gets his wish, plus pretty much every other face on the roster. Tonight he wants the Club destroyed so he’s going to throw their names in a hat and let each member of the New Blood pull one out. Well it’s official: the booking is now pulling names out of a hat.

As for tonight, it’s New York Rules: no referees or referees whatsoever. It’s Russo’s dream show: no wrestling and just all out carnage. It’s like he doesn’t have to do anything at all! Flair loves the idea and promises to take it to Russo tonight. A brawl ensues with Russo and Bischoff running off with Liz. Wait wasn’t she freed on Monday?

Jeff Jarrett vs. Chris Kanyon

Before the match, Kimberly grabs a mic and says that Bischoff has shown her the light: Page is a bar bouncing bum from nowheresville and he’s just a wrestling mark. Cue Kanyon to start the brawl in the aisle as the announcers explain that you count your own pins here. Jeff takes over by dropping Kanyon across the barricade and kneeing him in the face. Back in and Jarrett walks into a Russian legsweep, followed by a top rope Fameasser.

They head back outside with Jarrett sending him into the steps and over the barricade. A chair shot to the back staggers Kanyon but he grabs a neckbreaker back inside. Cue DDP’s music and what felt like some clipping. Like, his music hit and then he was just in the ring almost instantly. A Diamond Cutter to Jarrett lets Kanyon count his pin.

Rating: D. From what I can find online, the reason for the clipping was due to Page hitting Kimberly with a guitar when she tried to interfere, which also explains why he came out when Kanyon was in control. As for the match, it was pretty much the same thing WCW has been doing for weeks now because referees haven’t meant a thing for a long time. They just brawled for a little while and then had interference as always. It’s pretty telling that it doesn’t seem any different when the rules are thrown out. How screwy has this place been if chaos feels like the norm?

Wall picks out his name.

The Wall vs. Total Package

Tables match because of course it is. Russo comes out with Liz because this show is all about him. It also allows Wall to get in some cheap shots but that’s just a nice effect. Cue Ric Flair to sit in on commentary and promise to keep Russo out of things. Luger gets kneed in the ribs and stopped with a backbreaker. That’s about it for Wall on offense though as Luger comes back with every single standard Luger move that you’ve ever seen.

They fight outside with Luger yelling at Russo, allowing Wall to get in a shot from behind. Wall and Luger head back inside as Russo hits Flair with the bat. Now how did he not see that coming? Luger Racks Wall but Russo hits Luger with the back as well, making Luger drop Wall through the table for the win. In the match with no rules but a tables stipulation which I guess you call yourself.

Rating: D. It’s a Russo night for sure. Here we have another tables match for Wall and he loses again because that’s all he does after weeks of being built up as an unstoppable monster. That’s the logical progression right? Unstoppable to loser in the span of a month? In Russo’s booking, that’s slow motion.

Russo asks Flair if he wants a match now. Flair gets inside and Russo hides behind Liz, only to get kicked low. Flair puts on the Figure Four but Douglas and Bagwell make the save, only to be beaten down by Kronik. This brings out Kidman, who drew Flair’s name.

Ric Flair vs. Kidman

This is joined in progress with Flair punching away in the corner. Tony: “If you’re keeping score at home and I know that you are.” You have to be at this point. Kidman gets in a few shots of his own and superplexes Flair. They fight near a table at ringside but save it for later. A slingshot legdrop keeps Flair in trouble but Kidman’s top rope splash completely misses.

Cue Konnan and Mysterio to beat down Flair but here’s Nash to probably beat them down and shave their heads with one arm tied behind his back and two broken legs. Kidman runs as Konnan gets Jackknifed, only to have Hogan knock Kidman off the stage. I’m assuming the match is thrown out.

Mike Awesome runs to the ring but gets double teamed by Nash and Hogan. That really shouldn’t surprise you as he might make them break a sweat and must be destroyed immediately. Nash Jackknifes Awesome and declares Awesome the winner due to outside interference.

Diamond Dallas Page vs. Vampiro

Sting jumps Vampiro from behind, beats him up, covers him in blood and throws him in for the Diamond Cutter in less than a minute.

The New Blood is all shook up.

The Millionaire’s Club on the other hand is rather pleased.

Mike Awesome vs. Sting

Now normally this would be an interesting match. Here I’ll be shocked if it goes three minutes before someone interferes. Awesome sells the Jackknife on the way to the ring. Mike is right on Sting when he gets to the ring and slams him down, followed by a splash for two. Sting fights back and knocks Awesome to the floor, where the Misfits In Action jump the barricade and beat him up. Back in and the Stinger Splash and Scorpion make Awesome tap. What a way for a face to get a win.

Scott Steiner is the last New Blood guy to go tonight so Russo tells him to make it work. Steiner says he’s doing this for himself.

Scott Steiner vs. Hulk Hogan

Non-title. This should have headlined a pay per view. The announcers are shocked that Steiner is calling Hogan out, even though Hogan is the only Millionaire left. Steiner promises to go see Hogan’s wife after the show. Not even Steiner is that crazy. Steiner is on Hogan as he gets in the ring but Hulk comes back with right hands and a clothesline. They fight into the crowd where Hugh Morrus shows up to help Hogan. Back in the ring and Steiner calls in the troops but no one comes to help him and Scott walks for the countout.

Steiner swears a lot in the back and chokes Russo and Bischoff.

A new limo pulls up with FUNB on the license plate.

Kronik vs. Shane Douglas/Buff Bagwell

Wait is this a title match? Also there better not be a single tag in this whole thing. It’s a brawl to start with Douglas doing a reverse Hennig neck snap on Adams. Douglas gets caught in something like an F5 but Adams puts him down in more like a DDT instead of a full body plant. Clark side slams Bagwell in the ring but Buff comes back with the Blockbuster (Tony: “Whatever it is.”). Adams makes the save and it’s High Times for the pin. Tony: “Are they the champions? We might have to wait until Slamboree to find out!”

Rating: D. I’m going to assume Kronik didn’t win the titles here because that would be one of the more logical things WCW could do and logic has no place in WCW these days. Bagwell and Douglas are such lame champions that I often forget they even have the titles. This was one of the more coherent matches of the night so far and it really wasn’t very good.

Bischoff says he has an idea.

Here’s the New Blood in the ring, all armed with weapons. Bischoff gets right to the point and asks if the fans want guerrilla warfare. Cue Flair and the Millionaire’s Club so Bischoff asks if they want an 11 on 11 man war. Flair says the Club has nothing left to prove tonight but if Bischoff wants to make it a battle royal for the World Title shot at the Great American Bash, so be it.

Battle Royal

Ric Flair, Sting, Brian Adams, Bryan Clark, Horace Hogan, Diamond Dallas Page, Hugh Morrus, Kanyon, Total Package, Curt Hennig, Hulk Hogan, Shawn Stasiak, Jeff Jarrett, Vampiro, Mike Awesome, Scott Steiner, Buff Bagwell, Shane Douglas, Chris Candido, Kidman, The Wall, The Cat

It’s a huge brawl to start of course and there are no referees so I guess we’re going on the honor system. We’re nearly three minutes in now and here come Konnan, Bam Bam Bigelow, Disco Inferno, Johnny the Bull, Big Vito, the Harris Twins, Norman Smiley and all three members of Harlem Heat to get us up to thirty two people in the ring at once.

Horace is the first man eliminated and there are now referees on the floor because WCW can’t keep its rules straight for a whole night. Tank Abbott slowly comes to the ring as Flair is on the floor hitting Shane with a pipe. You would think they would eliminate a few people here but that’s too complicated around here. Kanyon gets backdropped out and there’s still no way to do any play by play with thirty people in the ring. Stasiak dumps Hennig and the ring is still so full that almost no one can move.

Kronik is eliminated at the same time off camera and we take a break. Back with the ring still crowded but a little bit better. I’m not even going to try to figure out who was eliminated during the break as most of these guys have no chance anyway. Some of the bigger names have weapons to make it even more complicated. Luger, Bagwell, Sting and Vampiro go out but keep brawling on the floor.

Chavo Guerrero Jr. and Lash Leroux came in at some point and eliminate Vito. Big T. and Van Hammer go out but Asya and Madusa come out to take their places. Mona comes in to join them as the people are starting to get tired. Cue Jim Duggan of all people as the women and a man we couldn’t see are put out. Duggan eliminates Bigelow and the Cat with the 2×4. Smiley and Tank are knocked out as well but Duggan eliminates himself due to high levels of stupid.

So we have Flair, Awesome, Stasiak, Candido, Kidman, Hogan, Jarrett, Douglas, Wall and Page in the ring. That’s not enough though as we cut to the FUNB limo and see a pair of boots get out. Naturally the camera just shows boots and we go to a wide shot to show the boots walking on the video screen. The boots make it to the entrance and it’s…..RANDY SAVAGE. He fires ax handles to the New Blood and puts out Stasiak, Wall and Awesome in about ten seconds.

Candido is tossed a few seconds later but Savage drops to the floor to go after him. I guess that’s an elimination. Page Cactus Clotheslines Jarrett to the floor to leave us with Hogan, Flair, Douglas and Kidman. They pair off and here’s Bret Hart with a chair to blast Hogan, knocking him through the ropes to the floor. So through the ropes counts? Then why are Flair and Douglas still in? Could it be because the script didn’t call for them to be eliminated earlier and rules can be twisted to suit Russo’s grand vision?

Bret walks out so it’s Flair and Douglas as Kidman is backdropped out. Flair puts Shane in the Figure Four but here’s Russo with the ball bat…..and he accidentally hits Douglas. I guess being the manliest man that ever lived doesn’t include hand eye coordination. Flair uses the bat to knock Shane out for the win and the title shot.

Rating: D. You know what this had me thinking of? The South Park episode where it wound up in a massive lawsuit with everyone vs. everyone. It’s total anarchy and you lose track of what’s going on. The match started with 22 people and that had nearly doubled with all the people coming in. How am I supposed to care about any of this or let it have any kind of an impact, especially with most of the match consisting of people not being able to move due to the ring being crowded? This is Russo’s deal: take away any form of storytelling and just throw them all out there. Such great writing. The big surprises helped but it was too late.

Post match Hogan gets on the steps to suplex Kidman through the announcers’ table but Bischoff hits the knee with a ball bat to knock Hogan through it instead. Bischoff counts a three and raises Kidman’s hand because that’s supposed to mean something. Yeah it’s symbolism or something but it’s still stupid.

We’re STILL not done though as Jarrett and Page climb up the scaffold. The camera cuts to Savage helping Hogan up and they do the handshake. We cut back to Page, who apparently was knocked off the scaffold and through a table. Tony, in a totally calm and rational voice: “Page has been knocked off the scaffolding. We’ll see what this means at Slamboree.” Just like that. No emotion, no worry, nothing.

The worst part is that wasn’t even the original planned ending. From what I’ve found, Arquette was supposed to hit Jarrett with the guitar and knock him through the stage. However, Asya accidentally stepped through the gimmicked part of the stage and Arquette fell in later, leaving Page to take an unscripted bump through a table. Only in WCW. I mean ONLY in WCW. Who else could screw up something that badly?

Overall Rating: F+. It’s another night of non-wrestling with a bunch of short matches that they drew out of a hat. If that’s not enough, the last half hour of the show was just taking almost the entire roster and throwing them into one match with no build. As I’ve said, Russo is the laziest writer I’ve ever seen as his stories revolve around the idea that everything is all over the place with no structure or build to anything. This didn’t make me want to see Sunday’s show and felt like something you put on when you forgot you had a show to put on. Bad wrestling, bad writing, bad execution, bad everything this week.

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Monday Nitro
Date: July 24, 2000
Location: CSU Convocation Center, Cleveland, Ohio
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Scott Hudson, Mark Madden

This is another request that was made so long ago that I don’t remember the reason behind it at all. We’re just after Bash at the Beach 2000 and Booker T is the new world champion. We’re on the way to New Blood Rising which was another Russo mess of a PPV. Tonight we have Booker vs. Goldberg in a match I vaguely remember. Let’s get to it.

There’s a cage over the ring.

Here’s US Champion Lance Storm to open the show. He asks for us to rise for the Canadian national anthem as Mark Madden can’t shut up. After the anthem, Storm says Americans need a hero. It’s not his fault that all great wrestling champions come from Canada. He has Mike Awesome at New Blood Rising so right now he wants a warmup match. Cue the Hardcore Champion Big Vito, who wants this to be title for title.

US Title/Hardcore Title: Big Vito vs. Lance Storm

Storm jumps him to start but gets slammed down as well as clotheslined. Vito pounds him into the corner but Storm comes back with a leg lariat to take over. That gets him nowhere as Vito pounds him into the corner and pulls out some weapons. A traffic cone is knocked into Storm’s testicles and it’s table time.

Vito takes too long though and Storm superplexes him down. An O’Connor Roll gets two for Storm as does a small package. Vito snaps off an overhead belly to belly suplex but the top rope elbow only gets two. An Impaler puts Storm down for another two and they trade superkicks. Storm throws on the Mapleleaf (half crab) and wins the Hardcore Title.

Rating: D+. This was part of the Storm super push where he won three titles in three weeks and just barely lost the world title match in the fourth week. Vito was a journeyman who did about the same thing no matter where he went. This was decent enough, but I’m not sure why you would open a show with it.

Booker T is coming to the ring.

Buy New Blood Rising! PLEASE!

Here’s Booker for a chat. He thanks the fans for their support because without them, there is no Booker T. Booker talks about Jarrett whining about how he lost the title to Booker at the PPV and the champ doesn’t really seem to care. He says he’ll retain at the PPV and that’s about it. Scratch that as here’s Goldberg (repeat x5).

Goldberg says that Booker guaranteed a title defense every week, so tonight he wants one. Booker says cool but here’s Cat who I think has some authority at this point to break up the staredown. Cat says the fans pick the opponent (since when?) and they can vote on WCW.com from a list of ten options. Goldberg chokes Cat out but Booker makes the save to give us another staredown.

Back from a break and the announcers talk about what we just saw.

Billy Kidman jumps in on commentary and says he has a sex tape of him and Torrie tonight. Oh dear.

David Flair/Ms. Hancock vs. Lieutenant Loco/Major Gunns

Hancock is Stacy Keibler and Loco is Chavo Guerrero, the latter of whom holds the Cruiserweight Title. This is due to Gunns trying to give mouth to mouth to David, Hancock’s man. They’re having a Rip Off The Camouflage match at the PPV. Flair wrestles in a dress shirt and pants while Hancock wrestles in a short dress. The guys start things off as Madden asks about the tape.

The girls come in without tags and it’s a chase on the floor. Flair gets pounded down into the corner and Stacy accidentally rams her head into David’s crotch. That doesn’t seem to hurt but Stacy misses a cross body and hits David by mistake. Gunns rolls her up for the pin. This is one of those comedy matches without the comedy.

Gunns tries to give mouth to mouth to Chavo, who was knocked down by something we missed. Stacy rips off Gunns’ top instead to reveal a camo bikini top. Chavo gets back up and helps beat David up to clear the ring. What was the point of this at all?

Jeff Jarrett wants a title match, so Cat gives him a handicap tag title match against Kronik. Ok then.

Pamela Paulshock, a big set of fake breasts with a blonde attached, talks to some guy in black who doesn’t say much. Apparently that was supposed to be Sting and it sounds like him. He says the mask comes off tonight.

Goldberg says he’ll win the poll and if he doesn’t, he’ll kill someone.

We go to Kronik’s locker room and Brian Clark is out cold.

Tag Titles: Jeff Jarrett vs. Brian Adams

I think this is a tag title match. Jarrett jumps Adams as he comes in but a clothesline misses and Adams hits his tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for two. Back up and Jarrett whips Adams in but ducks his head like a schmuck, letting Adams hit a piledriver for another two. They head to the floor and Adams (more famous as Crush in the WWF) tries to ram Jeff into the post but Jeff escapes and sends Adams in instead.

In a move that makes me pine for Memphis, Jarrett piledrives Adams on the floor. Back in Memphis, that would be a months long angle. Here it’s good for a two count in the ring. A middle rope punch (MEMPHIS AGAIN) hits Adams but as Jeff goes up again, he gets caught in a bearhug. For no apparent reason, Adams lets him go and tries a sidewalk slam, only to get caught in a DDT from Jeff for two. Jarrett sends him into the corner but jumps into a cobra clutch slam. Adams hits a legdrop for two (Madden: “THAT MOVE NEVER WINS!”) and it looks like we’re getting to the end here.

Jarrett grabs the guitar and hits a shot to the throat when the referee isn’t looking. That only gets two and Adams is mad. He uses the power game for a gutbuster but a middle rope knee misses Jeff entirely. Clark finally comes out and hits Jeff with the guitar, followed by the Meltdown (pumphandle slam). It’s table time as Kronik wants High Times (double chokeslam) but the referee breaks it up. That’s cool with Kronik as they give him the chokeslam instead. The match ends with Jarrett running away.

Rating: D+. Not bad here but the ending was pretty stupid. WCW had a bad habit (WWF did as well to be fair) around this time of just letting the matches end with no real resolution, even in the form of a DQ or something. Why Johnson wanted to help Jarrett wasn’t really mentioned but maybe it was just because it was the right thing to do. Not bad here but nothing great.

Vampiro says he’ll take care of Great Muta for Cat. Why does cat need Muta taken care of you ask? I don’t know either. I was hoping you did.

Shane Douglas complains about Kidman’s sex tape.

Sting is leading in the fan voting poll.

Vampiro vs. Great Muta

This is a rematch from the US Title Tournament last week. Vampiro has the Insane Clown Posse with him for the sake of getting my blood pressure up. Cat (Ernest Miller) is guest referee for no apparent reason. Before any contact is made, Vampiro hits Cat and it’s a SWERVE!!! Cat fights off Vampiro but Muta kicks him down. This would be the start of a stable called the Dark Carnival. No match for the most part.

Never mind as Miller gets up and beats everyone down. Great way to debut a stable there.

Booker doesn’t care who he’s facing.

WCW World Title: Booker T vs. ???

It’s Sting. Apparently the mask is a bunch of bandages from Vampiro burning him. That makes more sense and it only took an hour to tell us that. Sting comes out but Goldberg jumps him. Hehe screw the fans. Goldberg superkicks Sting and Sting has to be taken out on a stretcher. Booker gets in anyway…and is immediately decapitated by a clothesline and a powerslam. Booker heads to the floor and gets in a shot or two, only to be sent into the steps to put him back down again. The champ is busted open so Goldberg gives him an FU and hooks a cross armbreaker.

Booker gets the rope and the hold is broken….but Stevie Ray (Booker’s brother and former tag partner) comes out and throws in the towel. Ernest Miller comes out and declares Goldberg the winner……but he’s not the champion because Booker didn’t quit. He made the rope and didn’t tap, so why is the match over? This didn’t even make it to three minutes, but hey, the world champ looks like a joke now so the point is made.

After a break, Booker wants the match to start again.

Buff Bagwell vs. Kanyon

Kanyon is doing the DDP imitation here….or at least he would if he was here. Judy Bagwell is here with her boy and she yells at Kanyon for being a coward. Buff declares himself the winner and it’s time to dance. A cameraman puts the camera down and beats up Buff, only to have Judy make the save. Buff takes the Kanyon Cutter and Kanyon chases Judy to the back, shoves her in a car and leaves.

Buff gives chase after a break.

Kidman still has a sex tape.

Shane Douglas vs. Mike Awesome

Shane says he’s winning fast so he and Torrie can get out of the town. Mike Awesome is now the Fat Chick Thriller, further proving that WCW had no idea what they were doing a lot of the time. Awesome shoves him away a few times before ramming Shane into all three buckles and then the mat to cap off the series of ten shots. Shane gets clotheslined to the floor and Awesome follows him out with a dive. How scary is it that he could do stuff like that with such ease?

Torrie tries to interfere but is kicked away. The distraction works though as Shane hot shots Awesome on the top rope to take over. A reverse Hennig Neck Snap keeps Awesome down and it’s off to a chinlock. Awesome taps but it doesn’t count for some reason, likely because you don’t tap to a chinlock. Awesome slams Shane off the top and starts his comeback.

A splash gets two and an Alabama Slam looks to set up the Awesome Splash but Torrie interferes again. Douglas gets in his signature chain shots to the ribs but the sex tape pops up on the screen. You can’t see anything of course but Awesome hits Shane in the head with a barbell that came from somewhere for the pin.

Rating: C-. We had two interferences, a chain, a barbell and a sex tape in this five and a half minute match. The tape went nowhere as it’s just the two of them in bed kissing and that’s about it. Kidman would feud with Shane for awhile in a feud that did nothing for no one and was more proof that Kidman feuding with Hogan did nothing for him. Decent match I guess but WAY overbooked.

Billy pops up on the stage with some underwear. Lance Storm tries to jump Awesome but gets Awesome Bombed.

Post break, Douglas beats up the guy that played the tape.

Kidman comes back out and says that he’s made a ton of copies of the tape, including one for Madden, drawing a hilarious response from the fat man. Some guys are shown in the back watching the tape and Douglas yells some more in the production truck.

Filthy Animals vs. Misfits in Action vs. Perfect Event vs. Natural Born Thrillers

The teams are Rey Mysterio/Juventud Guerrera, Hugh Morrus/Lash Leroux (Captain Rection and Corporal Cajun, which I won’t be calling them), Shawn Stasiak/Chuck Palumbo and Sean O’Haire/Mark Jindrak respectfully. This is in the Caged Heat cage, which is WCW’s name for Hell in a Cell. It’s escape only and the last team in the cage is out of the four way title match at New Blood Rising. Palumbo immediately goes for the door but gets caught and beaten down just as fast. Konnan is on commentary here.

This is more like a battle royal than a cage match to start, as everyone is beating on everyone at once. O’Haire hits the first big spot of the match, firing off the Seanton (Swanton) Bomb on Morrus. There are no covers in this as it’s escape only remember. The fighting continues as we see Rey and Juvi hiding in the corner of the cage. That’s pretty smart when you think about it.

Palumbo hits a jumping back elbow on Morrus and in the chaos, the Thrillers both walk out and advance to the PPV. Rey goes up for a cross body onto Stasiak but Stasiak catches him in mid air. That’s more power than he usually shows. Juvy dropkicks Rey onto Stasiak, sending Shawn to the floor, where he and Palumbo make their escape. We’re down to the Filthy Animals vs. the Misfits.

Morrus loads up the No Laughing Matter moonsault but Juvy makes the save. The Bronco Buster keeps Morrus down….and then things stop making sense as the Perfect Event lock the cage. No explanation is given for this but I guess it makes sense in Russo’s mind. Mark Madden pulls out some bolt cutters for Konnan who doesn’t use them immediately. The match basically stops as Disco Inferno of the Animals goes up top and opens a door on top of the cage.

Back in the ring the Animals set up a ladder because this match isn’t overbooked enough yet. They beat down the Misfits so they can climb the ladder and dive on them again. You know, because going through the opening in the roof would make too much sense. Everyone is down after the dive and for a second we actually get a breather. Morrus is up first and climbs the ladder to escape, only to be stomped on by Disco who is still on top of the cage.

Rey climbs up and it’s Juvi vs. Lash, the latter of which has done next to nothing in this match. Konnan finally cuts the lock off the door as Morrus fights off Rey and Disco (Rey is a heel here, if that gives you any idea how stupid this company was) as the other two walk out the door. So now there’s no one in the cage but the match continues. Tony: “We’re completely lost.”

There’s a table set up on the floor and Morrus teases diving off the top through Juvi through said table, but Rey stops him from killing himself. Juvy gets up and stands the table against the cage before sending Lash through it. Morrus and Rey go back through the roof and down into the ring again because….well why not? It doesn’t last long though as Morrus counters a rana into a powerbomb to escape and…..win I guess?

Rating: W. As in WHAT? Where in the world do I begin? First of all, why would you have a big match like this to qualify for another match? Second, why would you have a match like this to eliminate someone? Third, why didn’t the match end when everyone was out of the cage? Fourth, if they could go through the door only, WHY WOULD THEY GO ON THE FREAKING ROOF?

Fifth, why would this match be on Nitro instead of on the PPV? Sixth, why did it take Konnan so long to open the door? Seventh, why did Madden have bolt cutters? Eighth, why were the first two teams in this in the first place? Ninth, who thought Rey as a heel was a good idea? Finally, WHAT DID I JUST WATCH???

Stevie Ray goes up to Goldberg in the back and yells at him, so Goldie throws him through a glass window.

WCW World Title: Booker T vs. Goldberg

Booker jumps him in the aisle but Goldberg knocks him right back down. As they head into the ring, Booker hits the ax kick and Goldberg is in trouble. Never mind as he clotheslines Booker down and into a 360. A powerslam puts Booker down and Goldberg pounds on the cut from earlier. Jeff Jarrett comes out for no reason and hits Goldberg with a chair as this is anything goes. SINCE FREAKING WHEN??? That makes Goldie mad so here’s the Cat to kick Goldberg in the face. That gets him nowhere either so Booker kicks him down for a second and the Book End (Rock Bottom) retains the title in less than three minutes.

Goldberg immediately pops up and spears Booker down and hits a Jackhammer to stand tall to end the show.

Ok before we get to the overall rating, let’s think about this main event for a second. In total, the world champion has been in the ring about six minutes tonight and has been destroyed twice in that span. Goldberg looks like a monster that can’t be hurt and Booker looks like a joke. It took an ax kick, a chair shot, a kick to the face, another kick to the face and a Rock Bottom to put Goldberg down for about five seconds before he destroyed Booker again to end the show.

Not to mention this all happened after the fans were told they could vote and then had their pick knocked out, making it completely meaningless. This would also be the sensible match after the even bigger mess that the cage match on free TV was. They were out of business how soon after this?

Overall Rating: D-. WOW. Between the matches having no endings, the ones that do ending screwy, the debuting faction looking stupid, the debacle that was the world title stuff and the INSANE cage match among all of the other stuff I’m forgetting, it’s no wonder why this company went out of business so soon. Booker would manage five world title reigns in less than a year, and it’s no wonder given how much they seemed to care about him as champion. Why was this show requested anyway? It didn’t seem to be anything special and it was certainly bad.

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Great American Bash 2000
Date: June 11, 2000
Location: Baltimore Arena, Baltimore, Maryland
Attendance: 7,031
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Mark Madden, Scott Hudson

 

Well I figured that since I’m halfway through 2000 I might as well finish the year off and for some reason I thought it would be better to start adding one on to the end at a time. Anyway the main event is Jarrett vs. Nash for the title with a huge swerve that would be blasted from one end of the world to another but that’s expected. The rest of the card is your usual WCW 2000 garbage so let’s get to it.

 

There are cops waiting on Goldberg to get here because I guess he isn’t here yet or something.

 

The opening video talks about the matches tonight, which has Flair vs. Flair and Hogan vs. Billy Kidman. Well ok then. No theme to it or anything, just a list of some matches.

 

Apparently Goldberg has been let out of a Nashville jail. Why is he in it? Who cares. Apparently he was in it though.

 

Cruiserweight Title: Disco Inferno vs. Lieutenant Loco

 

Loco is Chavo Guerrero and is champion here. Chavo says he has a surprise for Disco: and it’s something that the announcers aren’t thrilled with him having. I don’t particularly care since they’re not sure either but apparently it’s something they would have gotten in trouble for having. Disco is part of the Filthy Animals here. Can we just look at Major Gunns and Tygress?

 

Everyone is chilling at ringside so it looks like a lumberjack match for the most part. Disco is in a Lakers jersey and Chavo is in blue camouflage so this is a rather weird looking match to say the least. Chavo takes over to start but Disco gets a hot shot to take over. And never mind as he gets sent to the floor for the quick beatdown by the Misfits. Scott dubs Disco the Hip Hop Inferno.

 

Big dive off the top by Chavo takes out Disco as this match is dragging badly. It’s not that bad but it’s just a bit boring to say the least. Back in the rind and Disco gets a slam and dances a bit. Some old dude in a helmet wanders out to hit on Tygress. Apparently he’s General Rection’s grandfather so Konnan shoves him down. While that’s going on Juvy comes in and beats up Loco but Lash Leroux takes out Disco and puts Chavo on top for the pin.

 

Rating: D. What a freaking mess. You have Chavo who was incredible at this point and Disco who was……well Chavo was incredible at this point so he more than could have carried a five minute match by himself. Instead this was a total wreck with no flow at all to it and barely any wrestling at all. Why do I have a feeling that this is going to be a running theme tonight?

 

Some very bad actors dressed as cops tell Bischoff and Miller that their surprise for Nash is safe.

 

The Mamalukes say they’ll win. This results in a lot of bad Italian stereotypes. Apparently Vito claims to be the Hardcore Champion even though Johnny the Bull was supposed to be.

 

Order this show and get a Hulk Hogan…..inflatable raft? Dude…..why?

 

Kronik vs. Mamalukes

 

Winners are the #1 contenders. During the intros we’re assured that Goldberg WILL NOT be here tonight. Good to know indeed. The winner gets the Perfect Event. Apparently since the Mamalukes are in the New Blood they can defend the title using the Freebird Rule. Vito gets beaten down by Adams to start and they switch off. Clark hits a Rock Bottom to Johnny and the Italians are getting destroyed so far.

 

Vito comes back in and still has the belt on. I have a feeling that’s going to be a running joke here. Clark gets chopped and smacked in the chest a few times as Tony talks about how the Mamalukes walked into WCW and won the tag titles. Yes, that doesn’t bury the division in the slightest. Adams comes in to hammer on Johnny a bit. Full Nelson Slam kills Johnny for two. DDT gets no cover for Johnny as he brings in Vito instead.

 

Not that it really matters as Kronik hammers him down using the power of marijuana. Their name was Kronik and their finisher was called High Times. What do you think they were talking about? Clark botches what would become known as the F5, more or less dropping him on his head for two. Johnny comes in so Vito sits goes over and polishes the belt. A reverse cross body literally misses by four feet and High Times end Johnny a second later. Vito doesn’t seem to mind.

 

Rating: C-. Just a match really as there was no real need for them to fight other than for the sake of being the #1 contenders. Not bad or anything, but I have no idea who I was supposed to cheer for out there. In other words, Russo lives! Let there be no defined faces or heels ever!!!

 

DDP has something special for Mike Awesome apparently.

 

Diamond Dallas Page vs. Mike Awesome

 

This is an ambulance match. Page’s surprise is Chris Kanyon in a wheelchair after Awesome threw him off a cage and broke his neck or something. And of course, Kanyon will NEVER turn on DDP EVER! They head to the floor and then the crowd almost immediately. Page gets a shot in to send us back to ringside very quickly as this is a big brawl. They somehow change momentum three times in 10 seconds and make it four in 12.

 

The referee is down also but that’s WCW for you. To the ring now as the referee is getting up a bit. Awesome comes off the top with a back elbow and a belly to back suplex has Page down. Tony thinks it’s odd that there’s no surprise yet, even though Bischoff kept saying it was for NASH, who hadn’t been seen yet. Awesome sets up a table as we talk about Kanyon a bit.

 

Powerbomb through the table as this is a match that was used in a clip on Whose Line Is It Anyway? Page is put on a stretcher because simply throwing him in the ambulance isn’t enough I guess. Awesome gets a chair shot in and we head back to the ring because winning doesn’t matter right? Top rope splash looks to kill Page and the second probably does. A third splash misses as Page is between a pair of chairs this time so he had to move right?

 

Here’s Kimberly because Page is out there. They’re having “problems” which were probably brought on by her heel turn. She hits DDP with a pipe so Miss Hancock (Stacy Keibler) comes out and drags her off. They’re “having problems” also apparently. Awesome looks for an Awesome Bomb off the top but Page gets a low blow and a Diamond Cutter off the top. The medical people put him on a stretcher and here comes Bischoff to take out Kanyon. And of course Kanyon comes out of his wheelchair and hits a Diamond Cutter to end Page. Awesome wins with ease.

 

Rating: D. The match was junk, but let’s take a look at the angle that ended the match. Kanyon was indeed thrown off a cage to the ramp. It’s not like we saw that off camera or anything. DDP took care of him and then Kanyon betrays him for the people that tried to cripple him in less than a month? Are we really supposed to buy that Awesome was able to convince Kanyon that Page was the bad guy? Or that Kanyon was in on this all along and that he went along with being thrown around like that? And people wonder why Russo’s booking is so criticized.

 

The announcers point out how stupid this is.

 

Shawn Stasiak vs. G.I. Bro

 

And here’s the latest way to waste a guy like Booker: he’s a military guy when there’s already a military themed stable. He comes in on a zip line like Shawn did at Mania 12, but at about 1/3 of the height and 1/10 of the speed. The announces speculate that Kanyon was the surprise because they’re not that smart. Oh apparently Booker is part of the MIA. It just wasn’t mentioned until here.

 

This is a Boot Camp match, which means Last Man Standing. Why they’re fighting isn’t required information but I’d bet it’s MIA vs. New Blood. They’re both in camo here because that’s what you do in the army right? Booker takes him to the floor and hammers away as we go into the crowd. WEAK chair to the head (drawing slight booing) takes down Stasiak for all of a second. A horrible top rope forearm gets about seven.

 

Oh and don’t worry: we’re willing to cut away to the back at the drop of a hat if Goldberg arrives. You know, because you paid your money to see a car pull into a parking lot 45 minutes into a show right? Jumping back elbow puts Booker down and they actually treat it like a move that could end this. Big spinwheel kick by Booker takes him down for no reaction for the most part.

 

Stasiak sends him to the floor and we head to the ramp for a suplex. Back in the ring as there’s no heat on this match in the slightest. Back to the floor again as they have no idea what to do with nearly 14 minutes total for this match. Chair shot puts Booker down on the floor and back in the ring a gutwrench powerbomb gets 9. Time for a sleeper because this match isn’t boring enough already.

 

The fans chant boring and I can’t blame them in the slightest. This is what we mean when we say adding a gimmick for the sake of adding a gimmick. They can’t even explain why these two are fighting and yet we’re supposed to want to see a gimmick match between them an hour into the show in the fifth slot? There’s no heat here and the only reason this gimmick is here is because someone has a military gimmick.

 

Book End hits out of nowhere and I don’t bother waiting to hear what the stupid military name of that is. They call it a uranage suplex here but screw that. Of course it only gets like five but it sets up the missile dropkick, as in both of his finishers that can’t take down Stasiak. Palumbo, Stasiak’s partner, comes out with the Lex-Flexor exercise bar but hits Booker low anyway. A shot to the back of Booker puts him down as Tony rants against relaxed rules in a match with no rules. Booker gets up and mostly hits a double clothesline and beats up the tag champions on his own. A shot to Stasiak with the flexor ends this.

 

Rating: D-. Oh give me a break. Someone thought that Shawn freaking Stasiak was the best use of Booker T here? I mean come on now man. There was zero reason at all for this to be a gimmick match in the slightest so they went with it anyway. Guess what is up next: a gimmick match. After that, another gimmick match. Before this, another gimmick match. This is a great example of Russo’s writing in a nutshell and one of the better ones you’ll ever see. Oh and the match sucked, easily the worst last man standing match I’ve ever seen.

 

Goldberg’s monster truck is here.

 

Page might still be here.

 

Kanyon says he’s positive DDP is gone. Make that Positively Kanyon. This was the start of Kanyon’s newest gimmick: he would imitate Page who had a new book out called Positively Page. This, of course, went nowhere of note. This somehow translates to Bischoff got to Kanyon in the hospital and brainwashed him. I give up.

 

The Wall vs. Shane Douglas

 

Douglas curses a lot before the match and apparently doesn’t like Flair and Hogan. Now this is no longer a tables match as we’re going to make it a best of five tables matches with Shane saying now we’re guaranteed five tables being broken. Thank you for admitting you’re going through at least two Shane. Ok now you have to put someone through five tables to win. PICK A RULE ALREADY!

 

It’s first to five now. Ok, let’s stick with that. Wall has a really stupid looking black goatee now so he looks like a cross between Hitler and Kurrgan. Again no reason given for why they’re fighting or anything because that would be important information right? Standard match to start as we continue to waste more time on this show. Douglas hits a suplex and a reverse Hennig neck snap.

 

Wall is sent onto a table but not through it. No one has gone through anything yet. They fight on the floor in maybe second gear at best. Shane tries a suplex through it but gets countered and Wall hits a chokeslam to go up 1-0. Wall blocks a shot into the post and gets a release belly to back suplex through the table as they change the rules in the middle of the match to make it best of five instead of first to five.

 

Back in the ring as Shane is totally fine after a pair of table breaks with a low blow. Shane wants to take it to the back but settles for by the stage instead. What a shock: there are a bunch of tables there with a ladder next to them. Shane goes up the ladder and there are either two tables on a stage or three in a row with a cloth over the bottom one. Wall has his back to the tables but wants a chokeslam anyway. Shane knocks him through it with brass knuckles as all of a sudden it’s just TWO tables again but they say Shane wins anyway as it switches from 3 to 2 to 3 again inside of five seconds. Just go on already.

 

Rating: F+. We get it: you can have gimmick matches. Was there a point to having this be a table match? Or even to have the match in the first place? NOT IMPORTANT!!! This is yet another stupid gimmick match as Russo treats its fans like idiots that are going to be easily fascinated by things being broken. Whatever dude.

 

Wall puts the referee through a table post match just because.

 

Hogan arrives, 75 minutes into the show in an old school Dodge Charger.

 

US Title: Scott Steiner vs. Tank Abbot

 

Scott is US Champion here and this may or may not be for the title. We’ll say it is anyway as it would make sense…..yeah let’s just go with non-title. It’s also in the Steel Asylum. Here’s another brilliant idea of WCW. The Asylum is a small round cage about 10 feet in diameter that is lowered into the ring. No ropes or anything, just a small cage. And now Rick Steiner is added to the match to make it a handicap. Well sure why not.

 

US Title: Scott Steiner vs. Rick Steiner/Tank Abbott

 

Scott is a face here if that wasn’t clear. Rick and Tank double team him for awhile and here comes the cage. The fans chant for Goldberg but even he couldn’t save something this stupid. They destroy Scott for a minute or so until Tank pulls out a chain. Rick pulls a Lee Corso (that name won’t mean anything to you if you’re not from America or into college football) and says not so fast my friend. Abbott hits Rick with the chain, Scott gets a low blow, Recliner keeps the title on him. Ok so it was for the title. Good thing they waited until after the match to tell us it was in jeopardy no?

 

Rating: J. As in just….no. It runs less than four minutes, two of which are spent hammering on Scott before the whole cage thing came down. The stuff inside the little ring of death or whatever is maybe 90 seconds long and the whole thing is just stupid. I guess this was so they didn’t need to have Steiner run or whatever. Just move on.

 

Flair is here, looking like Doc Brown from Back to the Future goes Hawaiian.

 

We recap Hogan vs. Kidman. Kidman got a fluke win over Hogan so this is the rematch. If Hogan wins, he gets a title shot next month (oh boy. It’s THAT show) and if Kidman wins, Hogan retires. Hogan’s nephew Horace is refereeing and doesn’t like his uncle.

 

Hogan says that he’s not worried here because blood is thicker than New Blood. So old > new. It’s like Hogan’s whole belief system broken down into one sentence. He mentions Goldberg and Nash and says if he gets into that it’ll be the good, the bad and the ugly.

 

Billy Kidman vs. Hulk Hogan

 

Horace comes out with Kidman. Kidman has some Shawn Michaels like pyro. It’s the NWO theme for Hulk here. Kidman goes straight at him….and is destroyed pretty quickly. There’s the big boot maybe a minute in so Kidman hits the floor. Torrie has turned her back on Kidman. Meaning she WILL NOT be here right? Kidman has had no offense at all so far.

 

Back to the ring and it’s time for choking. Hogan gets in Horace’s face which of course goes nowhere. Kidman comes back with some choking but a low blow with Horace looking right at them is ignored. Here’s the weightlifting belt which is Hogan going EXTREME I guess. Back to the floor and Kidman dropkicks a chair into the face of baldie. That gets two in the ring as this is as riveting as it sounds.

 

Hogan continues to do almost nothing but punch and choke. Oh wait he rammed him into the railing twice. Hudson makes sure to let us know that we’re here because of Hogan and no one else PERIOD. Back to the ring as Kidman hits a DDT onto the chair that is so bad it’s booed before Kidman can even cover. I mean Kidman is off Hogan who then SLOWLY lowers his head down onto the chair. This is horrible.

 

Kidman gets two again and yells at Horace for calling it unfairly or something. The fans chant for Hogan who I think is the face here, making him out to be a huge bully for hammering on a guy half his size. Here comes the Hulk Up against the guy called the Flea Market Champion. There are ten punches in the corner and a running clothesline. Back to the floor for like the 4^th time and Kidman is tossed through the table.

 

Here’s Torrie so at least we have something to look at now. She hands Hulk brass knuckles because he needs them I guess. Kidman knocks Hulk into Torrie and her ankle is hurt. Kidman gets a shot with the knuckles in for two. Horace shoves Kidman and now let’s get stupid as Kidman hits Horace with the knuckles. So if they were still on his hand, why didn’t he hit Hogan with them again instead of choking him? Torrie hits Kidman low and a shot with the knucks to Kidman ends this. Oh and Hulk and Horace are cool again.

 

Rating: D-. Hey look: another stupid match with a way overbooked ending and a gimmick to it. Hogan was never going to job to Kidman twice and now Kidman looks like just as much of a joke as he did before this whole Hogan thing. It’s the difference between a rub and being in the ring with someone. He wouldn’t do anything after this other than feud with Shane Douglas which went nowhere. It’s not a failure because Torrie looked good and that’s about it.

 

Bischoff yells at a cop about life in general.

 

Bash at the Beach is coming, sponsored by Master Lock. Yes, a lock company is the best they can get at this point.

 

We recap David Flair vs. Ric Flair with the idea being that Russo has brainwashed David into thinking that Russo is the father that David never have and it’s a big Ric vs. Russo thing.

 

Russo says this is going to be fun.

 

Ric says this is going to be fun.

 

Ric’s family shows up.

 

Ric Flair vs. David Flair

 

If Ric loses he has to retire FOREVER (which is how it says it on the graphics). With Russo on the floor we actually gets some wrestling here as Ric does most of the work, namely because he has about 100x the talent. David chops away in the corner and actually takes over for a bit. You know Ric is going to sell for his oldest boy. Ric gets sent into the railing and takes a decent delayed vertical suplex for no cover.

 

And so much for David’s decent run as we hit a bad sleeper. Ric suplexes out of it and we have a very basic match going here. David’s shirt comes off as this is going very slowly here. Out to the floor as Ric takes over again. We need to get to the next match so I can use last names again. Russo interferes and takes out the knee of Ric and handcuffs him. So the referee had his back to Ric and Russo and all of a sudden Ric is in handcuffs….AND THAT’S ALL COOL??? And people wonder why this company was called stupid.

 

David puts on the Figure Four which gets him nowhere for the most part. It does get Russo to hold his hands. Does that mean they’re going steady? Reid Flair jumps the railing and hits Russo in the balls and steals the handcuff key. The referee gets the key as David beats up his brother and frees Ric. Ric’s wife or daughter (like you can tell) cuffs Russo and Ric taunts him a bit. Ric beats on David for awhile before putting him out of his misery with the Figure Four.

 

Rating: C. Somehow this was by far and away the best match of the night so far unless I’m forgetting something. It’s not that bad, mainly because they let Ric walk the far more inexperienced David through it. They didn’t try to make this too complicated and that fits because David had very little experience and his character wasn’t much of a wrestler anyway. Not too bad here I guess, all things considered.

 

Ric chops Russo a bit post match. Russo rants about various things, making a match for tomorrow night between Ric/Reid vs. Russo/David in another retirement match which would retire Flair.

 

We recap Vampiro vs. Sting with the idea being that it’s a human torch match. You have to light the other person on fire to win. That’s nothing like the Inferno match at all is it?

 

Vampiro vs. Sting

 

There’s a torch up by the video screen that you have to climb a ladder to get to. This isn’t going to end well is it? Vampiro lights the torch and has a gas can near it. There’s an ambulance and firefighters here for this. Russo must be loving this. Sting pulls the torch up above the screen as I mentioned before. Sting wants to know if Vampiro is afraid of heights because if Vampy wants Sting he has to come up here.

 

Vampiro yells a lot and we stand around a lot. Sting repels down and it’s time for the actual match to start. They fight in the ring as I have a feeling this is going to end badly. Spinwheel kick takes Sting down so Sting comes back even faster with a powerslam and a bunch of clotheslines. Stinger splash misses in the corner so Vampiro pours gasoline on Sting.

 

As always, in a huge arena, the announcers can smell the fuel many feet away. They fight up the ramp and climb up the structure with Sting getting kicked off. The announcers say that’s it so Vampiro keeps climbing. Sting climbs up anyway and there go the lights as we attempt to conceal the obvious switch that is coming up. They “fight” on top of the screen and even with the camera where it is you can barely see anything.

 

And them Vampy grabs the torch and lights Sting on fire. Sting dives off the screen to a crash pad and Vampiro wins. He must have really been burned badly because between falling down up there and the jump he lost about 3 inches of hair and shrunk a good 4 inches. That’s some powerful fire.

 

Rating: N/A. Yeah this wasn’t wrestling. This is one of those matches that is so stupid it defies logic. This is what I recommend doing in this situation: picture the booker/writer pitching this idea to say Jack Brisco, Lou Thesz and Harley Race. If the reaction is either a blank stare, massive amounts of angry cursing or a right cross, IT’S NOT A GOOD FREAKING IDEA!

 

Bischoff is talked to by some blonde chick in the back and doesn’t want to talk right now. There’s no big surprise. What is this, Monster A Go-Go?

 

WCW World Title: Jeff Jarrett vs. Kevin Nash

 

Let’s get this over with. Ernest Miller comes out before the match and introduces the Filthy Animals, as in New Blood cronies (despite them leaving like a week before) to be bell ringer and time keeper and all that jazz. Oh and Miller is referee. Nash shoves him around a lot to start until the Animals distract Nash to let Jarrett taker over. Jeff is champion if I didn’t mention that.

 

Miller is on the floor. Nash hammers on Jarrett and literally everyone stops to look at the entrance and nothing happens. Now back to the match. Weird indeed. Snake Eyes puts Jarrett into the replacement announce table and we go into the crowd. Back to the ring after Nash beats on Jarrett a bit and it’s Jeff with chair shots to the knee. This is one of those matches where stuff goes on but nothing is really happening.

 

Jarrett works on the leg for a good while as we’re clearly filling in time before the whole surprise thing happens. No one buys that the surprise isn’t happen, so I don’t know why we have to waste 15 minutes before we get to it. Half crab to Nash who won’t give up because raising your arm three times in a row is too much effort I guess. There’s the figure four as we waste even more time.

 

The hold goes on for a very long time to the point where most people would have broken their leg already but since it’s Nash he gets to just roll around a bit while barely grimacing. Nash tries to get to his feet but Konnan hits him in the hands with the bell for a two count for Jeff. Nash, despite being in the figure four for two minutes after about five minutes of leg work and a shot to the head with a metal bell from a professional athlete, is able to take over and actually run to the corner to take out Rey.

 

Belt shot gets two as Disco makes the save. Juvy gets in a chair shot to take over as the fans chant for Goldberg. Miller comes in to referee with a two count as this is a total mess. The Animals get beaten down as Nash is fighting seven guys to a stalemate. Jarrett, the world champion, hits his finisher for only two. Well of course it was only two. I mean he’s just the world champion after all.

 

Guitar shot misses and Jarrett walks into a chokeslam for two as Miller has something in his eye. Tony actually shouts BOGUS a few times. Powerbomb to Miller and one to Jarrett but the third referee is taken out by Rick Steiner. Tank Abbott tries to come out but somehow Scott Steiner cuts him off. If Steiner wanted to help, WHERE WAS HE WHEN THERE WERE LIKE EIGHT GUYS ON NASH???

 

Everyone beats on Nash including a Bronco Buster from an unmasked Rey. And cue a big noise as Goldberg is here in his monster truck. Maybe that’s what the sound was earlier? His music kicks on and the place erupts. Goldberg is here….and he joins the New Blood with one of the worst spears you’ll ever see. Yes, the ultra star of the company, the ONE guy they still had that was a big face draw, is added to the super heel group as a Bischoff/Jarrett/Russo lackey. Jarrett gets the academic pin and the SHOCKED celebration ends this mess.

 

Rating: F. You mean, in a Bischoff/Russo booked company, there was a big time face that apparently had been in league with the big heel group the entire time and it was SHOCKING to end a PPV? WHERE DO THEY COME UP WITH THIS STUFF??? The match was awful as Nash wouldn’t sell, the insanity of it was stupid, and Jarrett looked like a guy off Tough Enough.

 

Trash pelts the ring to end this show.

 

Overall Rating: F-. I have no idea what they were going for here but it was one of the worst shows I’ve watched in a long time. The gimmicks were WAY too much and none of them worked at all. You had some bad wrestling, horrid gimmicks, a REALLY stupid heel turn to end the show, and Hogan as #1 contender. Let’s talk about that heel turn for a bit actually.

 

In essence what they were going with was Nash, Hogan and Steiner as the top faces against Bischoff, Russo, Jarrett and Goldberg. In other words, the old guys are the faces and the young guys (if Jarrett counts as a young guy) are the heels. There was one issue with this: Goldberg was so ridiculously popular at this point that he was cheered every time he was on camera, which shows one of two things.

 

One, Russo has no idea what a face is. Oh wait, according to him faces and heels mean nothing. Second, WCW is really freaking stupid. That much is a given so let’s go back to the first part. Assuming what he says is true (it isn’t) then why are there factions or matches at all? Oh that’s right again: Russo doesn’t like having wrestling on his shows. Tell me again, why is this guy praised so much?

 

Anyway, AWFUL show here and somehow it would only get worse with the absolute mess they had the next month with Hogan and Russo clashing.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book on the History of Starrcade from Amazon for just $4 at:

 

Spring Stampede 2000
Date: April 16, 2000
Location: United Center, Chicago, Illinois
Attendance: 12,556
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Mark Madden, Scott Hudson

 

This is a show I’ve wanted to do for a good while now. Russo and Bischoff are in charge now and have rebooted WCW. In short, all titles are vacant and will be decided tonight in a bunch of tournaments and random one off matches. The interesting thing to me is that the titles were vacated on Monday before this show. What was the card for the PPV before they did that? Let’s get to it.

 

The opening video is about Russo vs. Flair and Russo stealing Flair’s Rolex watch. Also Eric has recently turned on Hogan and made the New Blood. Oh and they brought back the stupid Hummer angle (even though it was a different color) and had Bischoff driving it.

 

For those of you that don’t know what the heck I’m talking about, in 1999 there was a BLACK (this was white) Hummer trying to run over various people. The question was who was driving it. It was heavily implied to be Sid and everyone assumed it was him. Bischoff brought it back 9 months later after everyone had forgotten about it. Amazingly enough, no one cared at all.

 

Eric yells at Kidman, Torrie and Russo.

 

Hudson runs down the participants so fast that we can’t keep up with them. I’ll try to give you the brackets as the show goes on but don’t hold me to that.

 

Tag Title Tournament Semi-Finals: Mamalukes vs. Team Package

 

Team Package, Flair and Luger, say that Flair is in street clothes because Russo has made it a street fight. Who wears golf clothes to a street fight? I think Team Package are the faces here but I have no idea for the most part. The Mamalukes have Disco Inferno with them. I have no idea if there has been another round before this one or if there were only four teams in the whole thing.

 

After taking a good while with the intros, here’s Russo to shake things up a bit. Russo says this isn’t an even playing field because you have two rookies against two established veterans so let’s even this up a bit. He adds the Harris Brothers to make it 4-2. After a beatdown to start Flair fights back and gets the Figure Four on Johnny the Bull, only to let it go for no apparent reason.

 

Vito kicks Flair’s head off and they’re legal to start. This is a one night tournament. Luger comes in because he can and the handicap aspect of the match starts to become a lot more clear. Flair wrestling in street clothes looks weird. He tries to go up top but gets slammed off by a Harris Brother. Everything breaks down again and Disco sends Luger into the post, only to get decked by Liz.

 

Two “security” guys come out and take Disco out. No idea who they are. Oh ok this is something to do with the Mamaluke angle that sucked. Hot tag to Luger and after waiting on Vito to jump on him, house is cleaned and Bull is racked after heel miscommunication, sending Team Package to the finals.

 

Rating: D+. It’s just a big brawl but it wasn’t boring. Flair and Luger having to fight off the insane odds was fine I guess but it’s not like the odds ever really came into play after the first minute or so. Flair was pretty easily able to fight off both Harris Brothers and the other Mamaluke, making this pretty weak overall.

 

Mike Awesome is the surprise 8^th entrant in the US Title tournament and fights Ernest Miller later. He’s not afraid of Cat and Bigelow comes up to complain about Awesome being in the tournament. Awesome decks him from behind.

 

We recap Jimmy Hart vs. a radio show host. Yes this is happening on a PPV.

 

Mancow vs. Jimmy Hart

 

Hart has some big guy out there with him and is wearing a Howard Stern t-shirt. I don’t recognize the guy but Hart is able to find people at will so it’s not exactly surprising. Mancow is a celebrity in Chicago so the crowd is completely one sided. The big guy is named Hail. Mancow comes out with his entourage including some hot women. Mancow runs his mouth for a bit and the “match” begins. Seriously what are you expecting here? It’s a bit under three minutes long and there’s a ref bump and a chair shot. Hail interferes and Mancow wins anyway.

 

Kidman comes out to beat up Hart for no apparent reason.

 

Russo yells at the four guys that Team Package beat.

 

US Title Tournament Quarter-Finals: The Wall vs. Scott Steiner

 

Steiner comes out to his old Steiner Brothers theme here for some reason. This is New Blood vs. New Blood. They’re both power brawlers and they completely live up to those stereotypes here. Steiner pounds away in the corner then Wall pounds away in the corner. Sting is the only member of the Millionaire’s Club in this particular tournament. Wall takes a low blow and Steiner hits a belly to belly to take over.

 

Now Steiner takes a low blow. Are you noticing the whole mirror image thing? Have you noticed how stupid the all No DQ rules are really freaking stupid? Oh wait there are disqualifications but they have to be REALLY big things to cause one. Remember that. We go to the floor and Wall pulls out a table. Steiner blocks a chokeslam through it and a blinded Wall chokeslams the referee through it for the lame DQ.

 

Rating: F+. It was stupid but they had to hurry through it because they have about 13 matches to get through tonight. Wall was a guy who was supposed to be all insane and crazy but when you’re up against Scott Steiner, your craziness is kind of overshadowed. This was nothing significant and was just a way to get Steiner to the final four quickly.

 

Ernest Miller isn’t worried about Awesome. There’s a James Brown reference for no apparent reason and Bigelow drops Miller.

 

US Title Tourament Quarter-Finals: Mike Awesome vs. Ernest Miller

 

This is six days after Awesome, still ECW Champion at the time, ran in on Nitro after jumping ship. Bigelow jumps Awesome and has taken Miller’s spot it seems. Well sure why not. Big dive to the floor takes Bigelow out and then dumps him into the crowd. Awesome busts out an Ahmed Johnson style dive over the railing as the brawl keeps going. Top rope clothesline back inside gets two. Bigelow wakes up and slams Awesome down and adds the headbutt for no cover. Here’s Miller who kicks Bigelow in the head and dances a bit. Awesome kills him with a powerbomb and frog splash to advance.

 

Rating: D. The brawling was decent and Awesome was incredible as usual but the whole Bigelow/Miller thing was totally pointless. Also it makes no sense as either guy not named Awesome should have been disqualified for interference but whatever. This was nothing interesting but was there to have Awesome get pushed harder, which is fine.

 

Russo tells Bischoff to calm down. Bischoff tells Kidman to take care of Hogan.

 

Bagwell and Douglas say they’ll be champions and Shane wants to beat up Flair.

 

Tag Title Tournament Semi-Finals: Harlem Heat 2000 vs. Buff Bagwell/Shane Douglas

 

This is Stevie Ray/Big T (Ahmed Johnson). Shane vs. Stevie starts us off after a quick brawl. Harlem Heat beat on Buff for a bit and then we get a tag to Shane who hits a release Pittsburgh Plunge to end this in less than three minutes. I’ve never seen such a nothing match that went so long.

 

That makes the finals Team Package vs. Buff Bagwell/Shane Douglas

 

Booker says he’s not New Blood because he doesn’t agree with Bischoff about anything.

 

US Title Tournament Quarter-Finals: Booker vs. Sting

 

Yes it’s officially Booker after he lost the rights to the letter T to Harlem Heat (don’t ask). They’re treating this like an epic battle and while it’s not quite that it is a big deal I guess. Leave it to WCW to have it in a match on this show in this position that gets about six and a half minutes. Sting gets a hip toss for the first move of the match. Sting keeps up the dominance and we head to the floor.

 

Booker goes into the metal barrier and the crew goes flying. Over to the announce table since we can’t have a match without a brawling segment because that’s what WWF and ECW does. Booker gets in a shot and back inside we go. Off to the chinlock which lasts a bit until we get a knee drop and hey, let’s go back to that chinlock. Axe kick hits for two and the announcers are stunned. Booker spins up but walks into a DDT for two. Stinger Splash hits but a second jumps into the side kick. Booker tries a suplex but gets reversed into a Death Drop to end it.

 

Rating: C+. Not a bad match but you would think this was Benoit vs. Angle at the 03 Rumble based on the reactions. It was certainly good and by far the best match of the night so far but it’s just not as good as what they’re hyping it up to be. If they had more than 7 minutes it could have been but we don’t have time for wrestling here on this wrestling show people.

 

Booker brings him back to shake his hand. Booker is New Blood according to Tony. Whatever man.

 

Torrie, Bischoff and Kidman aren’t worried about Hogan.

 

US Title Tournament Quarter-Finals: Billy Kidman vs. Vampiro

 

Vampy takes over to start with a bunch of headbutts and right hands. It’s kind of hard to get into these matches that are happening for the sake of a tournament rather than a story or a feud between the guys in it. Kidman snaps off a rana to take over and pounds away in the corner the same way. Ten punches are countered into a SWEET release powerbomb but the Nail in the Coffin is countered into a facejam by Kidman.

 

They keep exchanging control with Kidman having it as I type this. Nail in the Coffin (Michinoku Driver) is countered into another facejam and we head outside. Vampiro gets a spin kick in and works on the arm after injuring his rib. And let’s cut to the back where a Dodge Charger containing Hogan is here. Hogan comes in and with the referee watching he beats up Kidman with ease. By that I mean he does it for several minutes. The idea of disqualifications are forgotten though so this is all cool. Hulk uses the steps as a step to chokebomb Kidman onto the table. Kidman is slammed through it and Vampy gets the pin.

 

Rating: C-. Hogan killed this period. The lack of disqualifications is just stupid as why shouldn’t the entire New Blood come in and beat up every member of the Millionaire’s Club every match and ensure that they win? My guess would be that would make sense, which is why this gets really old really fast. I mean the referee is watching the whole thing and doesn’t even try to interrupt it. It takes the wrestling out for the sake of brawling, which isn’t why I watch these shows. Once in awhile is fine, but not in every single match.

 

Hogan, ever the stealth one, gets on a mic and shouts that he’s coming for Bischoff.

 

In the back Russo leaves Bischoff to freak out on his own.

 

Hogan goes Bischoff hunting and finds him in like the 7^th door. And never mind as cops with guns are here to get him off. Yeah that’s not going to go badly at all is it?

 

Oh before I forget, here are the US Title brackets:

 

Steiner

Awesome

 

Sting

Kidman

 

Terry Taylor tells Terry Funk that the Hardcore match is going to begin in catering. “Take a right at the Doritos.”

 

Hardcore Title: Terry Funk vs. Norman Smiley

 

Norman is hiding in the men’s room and is in a catcher’s uniform complete with chest protector. They’re into catering now and it’s all Funk. Funk pours a bunch of Cokes on him (still in cans) as Tony says this isn’t a match, despite Taylor calling it a match and a bell ringing. They’re in the kitchen now and they crawl through a dish return line to get there. Tony talks about the merits of industrial strength cookie sheets as he probably wonders how he still has a career.

 

They head into the hallway and Norman climbs a conveniently placed ladder. Norman gets some chair shots in and we head to the arena. Terry is taking a bunch of chair shots to the head which are scarier each time. Madden wants to know why Terry would do this to himself. The term “middle aged and CRAZY” doesn’t work for Madden I guess. It’s Wiggle Time but you don’t simulate anal sex on a Texan! Funk hits a huge chair shot and we’re back outside.

 

Terry pulls out a ladder and puts it between the bottom and middle ropes on the inside. Dustin Rhodes comes out because we MUST have more Rhodes vs. Funk because the feud only started 25 years ago so we’re all begging for a continuation right? Dustin of course fails because he’s booked like a clueless putz when he’s not Goldust so he causes some pain for Norman. Funk drops a ladder over the top onto Norman for the title.

 

Rating: C. These matches are hard to not smile at a bit. Yes they’re stupid and mindless brawls but at the same time, they’re stupid and mindless brawls. Nothing great and Dustin added absolutely nothing to it at all (which should be on his tombstone), but Funk vs. Smiley was a weird combination that made for entertaining comedy and with the Hardcore Title, what more can you ask for?

 

Russo tells Booker to watch his step and wants a favor.

 

US Title Tournament Semi-Finals: Mike Awesome vs. Scott Steiner

 

Steiner takes him to the mat to start which is smart as he wants to keep the power/high flying guy on the mat where he can’t use his physical advantages. Awesome is sent to the floor but he manages to get the slingshot shoulder to take over. Splash gets two. This is Mike’s second WCW match after his debut earlier. Top rope clothesline gets two but the spinning belly to belly shifts things again. With Awesome taking back over here’s Nash with a crutch (same thing Awesome did to Nash) to take Awesome out. Recliner puts Steiner in the finals.

 

Rating: D+. They only had three minutes to work with so how good could it be? This was all about Nash getting his shot in on Awesome to set up a match that I don’t think ever actually took place. Awesome’s fate was written on the wall here though as he never would become anything significant in WCW at all due to an extreme amount of talent.

 

Dustin, who is somehow New Blood, is fired for not keeping Funk from winning the title. Russo takes credit for Goldust and making him everything he ever was. I give up.

 

US Title Tournament Semi-Finals: Vampiro vs. Sting

 

Sting charges to the ring as there’s an actual feud to this one. Sting no sells some stuff and hammers away with strikes. Out to the floor and it’s all Sting. Back in a top rope splash gets two after a lot of looking at Vampy. Back to the floor for more brawling and Sting misses the move that always misses, the splash onto the railing. Vampiro gets a chair and puts Sting face first onto it before a superkick puts Sting down.

 

In a weird moment, Vampiro rolls him in and sets for something off the stop but Sting won’t lay still and clearly shakes his head no at Sting. Vampiro is like dude what are you doing and just jumps off with no real contact. I don’t get that. Suplex gets two instead. Another suplex gets two again. A top rope…something is countered into either a powerbomb or spinebuster. Death Drop sets up the Deathlock to send Sting to the finals.

 

Rating: C-. The top rope stuff was rather odd but Sting continues to look good here. He was all fired up and they had to have someone in there to give the Millionaire’s Club a finalist. Not great or anything but these two had no real chemistry in most of their matches. Sting would beat him again the next month in something close to a squash.

 

Sting vs. Steiner for the title later.

 

Page wants to beat Jarrett.

 

Cruiserweight Title: Artist vs. Chris Candido vs. Juventud Guerrera vs. Shannon Moore vs. Lash Leroux vs. Crowbar

 

No Evan Karagis for 3 Count here. I think they would split soon after this. The two 3 Count guys do their thing before the match. It’s a Suicide Sixway. The other guys run out and the big fight is on. Shane is on the outside and not in the match. Candido vs. Moore at the moment and I don’t think tags are required. Ok so yes they are. Crowbar escapes a DDT and gets a northern lights suplex for two.

 

One fall to a finish here. If DQ rules have been relaxed why not allow everyone to run in all the time? Lash vs. Juvy now as this is going to be one of those insane matches. Juvy Driver gets two as Artist saves. Daffney accidentally hits a Frankenscreamer on her man crowbar and then screams her way out of trouble. We bust out the dives by everyone and everybody is down.

 

David Flair comes in and beats up Helms and Candido is crotched by Artist. Candido misses a swan dive and Artist hits an Angle Slam (called a Samoan Drop) and Tammy debuts with a chair to give Candido the title. I can’t complain about her in a see through nightgown and a nice thong shot.

 

Rating: C. This was your usual insane Cruiserweight spot fest but I could have gone for it being longer than 5 minutes. The non-high flying power brawler as champion is the usual bit for them and that’s fine. The title hadn’t meant anything in years so throwing this together is fine. Nothing great but it did its job I guess and we have a new champion now and he’s New Blood.

 

Jarrett says he’s not worried about Page.

 

Tag Titles: Team Package vs. Buff Bagwell/Shane Douglas

 

Russo comes out with the New Blood and sits in on commentary. Luger vs. Bagwell gets us going. Russo is guaranteeing victory. Buff rakes the eyes to stop the offense and it’s off to Shane. Luger casually gorilla presses him and Flair gets in a right hand and they go to the floor. Tony shouts BS about something as the New Blood beats on Flair. How a guy that was world champion seven years ago can be considered New Blood is beyond me but it’s WCW so who cares.

 

Bagwell beats down Flair and Tony wants more choking and violence. That would be cool if we hadn’t seen it in every single match so far tonight. Flair gets a chop and they hit the ropes, bumping heads to put both guys down. Luger FINALLY does something to break up the beating on Flair. There’s the hot tag to Luger who cleans house for a bit and there’s the Figure Four on Shane. Russo gets up with the bat as the Blockbuster hits Shane by mistake. Russo pulls the referee out as Kronik debuts and hits the double chokeslam on Luger to give the New Blood the titles with Russo counting the pin.

 

Rating: D+. Just another match here and Kronik added nothing for the most part. The New Blood win the first tournament and I’m sure that’s all they’ll win right, because it’s not like they’re going to put all the titles on the heel faction like the NWO because that would just be stupid when they had done that a few years ago right?

 

Steiner says he’s not worried about Sting because he has big arms.

 

Sting says Steiner is the next casualty of this war.

 

US Title: Sting vs. Scott Steiner

 

Steiner hammers away to start but Sting gets a drop….he gets a kick…we’ll call it a leg attack to take over. They go to the floor for a bit but Sting gets caught coming in off the top rope. We get into a nice rhythm here: Steiner hits Sting to knock him down then yells at the fans then hits Sting to knock him down then yells at the fans. Repeat that for about 2 minutes and you have the middle of this match.

 

Sting starts his comeback and hits the Stinger Splash. The second one results in the referee getting crushed so Sting goes for two more of them. The first one hits but the second is stopped as Vampiro pulls him under the ring through the mat and Sting is gone. He comes back and is busted open and out cold. Steiner puts on the Recliner and wins the title by TKO.

 

Rating: D-. Well this was worthless. Sting was more or less waiting around for the Vampy thing which wasn’t needed as he beat Vampiro cleanly earlier on in the night. Steiner gets the title after beating three guys despite being a terror in the back at this point. Steiner would hold the title for a few months until getting suspended for using a banned hold. Not bad for about 12 minutes combined in three matches.

 

We recap Jarrett vs. DDP which was set up Monday. Jarrett got his spot in this automatically while Page had to beat Luger and then the winner of Sting vs. Sid. Sid was champion but was stripped of the title instead. DDP beat Sting after New Blood interference in all three matches.

 

WCW World Title: Jeff Jarrett vs. Diamond Dallas Page

 

Kimberly is with Page here. Page hammers away to start us off and a discus clothesline puts Jarrett down. Spinning DDT gets two and a pescado follows. We’re on the floor again and Kimberly slaps Jeff. They go into the crowd and there’s a crutch used on Jarrett’s back. We can’t see anything here for the most part due to a combination of bad camera work and the fans being in the way.

 

Jarrett tries to cheat but gets caught in a sunset flip for two. Almost all DDP here so far and as I say that he gets crotched. There’s a superplex and Jeff goes to grab a chair. Jeff works over the back without using the chair because he’d rather wrestle. I can’t believe I’m saying this but God bless you Jeff Jarrett. Page starts firing back with right hands and a sitout powerbomb gets two.

 

Bischoff is standing in the aisle. They head to the floor where Jarrett uses various instruments on him. He rips up a copy of Page’s book and posts Page’s balls on the post. Page starts a comeback and rams Jeff’s balls into the post for some nice comeuppance. Jeff blocks the Diamond Cutter and down goes the referee. A belt shot puts Page down and the referee makes a two count.

 

Figure Four goes on to Page and Kimberly grabs the guitar. If you don’t know what she’s going to do with it, you’re a freaking moron. Page is still in the hold as we wait for the SHOCKING, yes SHOCKING I SAY heel turn by Page’s chick. He finally reverses it into a small package for two. Jarrett jumps into a spinning Rock Bottom for two. Jeff throws on a sleeper which is reversed, drawing Eric and Kim up to the apron. Diamond Cutter hits and there’s the turn and Jarrett wins the title.

 

Rating: C. It’s probably the best match of the night and that’s because it had some time to develop. If my memory and math are right this was the only match that went over ten minutes all night. I can understand having a problem with that when you have 13 matches, but there’s a simple solution to that: DON’T HAVE THIRTEEN MATCHES. Not a great match or even a good one but after three hours I’ll take it.

 

The New Blood celebrates together to end the show.

 

Overall Rating: D. If you’re a fan of tournaments, RUN out and find a copy of this show because it’s all your fantasies come true. Otherwise, it’s three hours of sloppy brawling in place of wrestling and a total of maybe two watchable matches out of 13. This was a nothing show and shows the problems of rebooting the freaking company six days before a PPV. Not a fan of this at all as the company was on the verge of its final downward spiral due to Russo booking the company so far into the ground it couldn’t see the light of day. Bad show due to the booking being WAY too overdone.

 

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