Oh sweet goodness what am I doing to myself? For those of you unfamiliar, go watch the trailer on Youtube right now. It’s basically the spiritual successor to G.L.O.W., which is known for good looking women and completely campy comedy and women that are “wrestlers”. In this case, it was started by a guy that won a Powerball lottery and used his money on this. Jimmy Hart played a big part in this and I think it’s out of business now. This is the second episode. Let’s get to it.

Oh and the girls are mostly all wrestlers, some of which you’ll know. They’re ALL in very stereotypical and overdone gimmicks which I’m sure you’ll catch on to. There are also comedy skits to go along with the wrestling. The word “studios” means warehouse too.

Jimmy Hart pops up and is worried about being the host and stuck with a bimbo or stick in the mud. Leyla Milani, the runner up in one of the Diva Searches, appears and is the co-host. Oh geez there’s a laugh track.

We do the opening video which is most of the girls in character in front of a personalized screen.

Boot Camp Bailey, the trainer, wants to talk about something. She’s a military themed girl with a VERY short skirt. She says attention a lot and says she’s looking for a few good women. Bailey asks who wants to be a trainee and calls a few “fans” into the ring. One of the girls is the floor manager who has to take her headset off before she gets in. Bailey apparently is a model with no wrestling experience. This is getting LOUDLY booed by the way.

We get a clip from last week of a six girl tag with the Country Cousins vs. the Mexican team/Felony, a prison character. I have no idea what the announcer’s name is. Felony tries to escape during the match. Apparently the commentator’s name is Johnny C. and he has no idea what he’s calling. The Mexican team and Felony won with what looked like a Snow Plow.

There’s going to be a battle royal with the final two facing each other for the Wrestlicious Title.

We go to “the farm” (green screen) with Cousin Cassie and Tyler Texas who do a comedy bit called “You Just Might Be A Down Home Wrestler.” I’m sure you get the idea here.

And now, a game show: Are You Smarter Than A Male Wrestler, hosted by Jimmy Hart. Our contestants are Glory (female wrestler Christie Ricci playing a patriot) and Brian Knobbs. The category is American History and the question is what happened in 1776. Knobbs thinks it’s the first beer drinking contest. Glory gets it right (I guess the signing of the Declaration of Independence was all that happened in America that year)…..and that’s it.

We recap the Bailey segment from like 5 minutes ago.

Now three girls are in a bedroom on a bed. Now they go to make drinks but Bailey stops them. Oh ok they’re the trainees. To be continued. Did I mention we’re almost halfway through the show?

Package on Lacey Von Erich which is her on the beach in swimsuits.

Tony the Top (mob character) says that Autumn Frost (an Ice Princess, whatever that is. You may know her as Jennifer Blake who does indy wrestling and is a somewhat big female star in AAA) should be on JV Rich’s (the owner of the company and owner of a big mansion where comedy bits like this one are shot at) arm. He says she should be on a leash, which gets a HUGE reaction from the laugh track.

Paige Webb (Serena from the Straight Edge Society with hair) answers an e-mail from a male admirer. Included in the e-mail is a picture of his pierced genitals I think.

Three girls are arguing over what to call the aforementioned battle royal. Go vote on their website for the NAME OF THE MATCH. This show is cut into three parts on Youtube and we’re about to start part 3 with no matches.

HOKEY SMOKE A WRESTLING MATCH!

Autumn Frost vs. Paige Webb

Frost is from Alaska so we get a snow effect. Webb is a computer geek. Get it? Johnny C. makes a bunch of bad sex jokes and we’re ready to go. Frost jumps her but gets caught in a full nelson. The commentary is nothing but puns. Literally, it’s all puns and the occasional name of a move. Frost hooks a full nelson of her own but Webb arm drags out of it. Webb hooks the armbar as the announcer talks about how Webb’s box is filled every night. With e-mails of course.

A monkey flip puts Frost down and “the ice girl goeth”. Back in and Frost takes over. I can’t handle or give you an accurate description of the amount of the puns being used here. Apparently Webb needs to reboot from a snow boot. Frost beats her down “like a computer virus.” I’m dying listening to how bad this is.

They do a pinfall reversal sequence and Webb gets caught in a chinlock. Webb comes back with some armdrags and sends Frost to the floor for a beating. Back in a top rope cross body gets two for Webb. After a quick run on the floor, Webb tries a monkey flip but Frost falls on her and puts her feet on the ropes for the pin.

Rating: D+. Both girls are pro wrestlers already so the match wasn’t that bad, but the commentary here is going to make or break the match for you. I kid you not, you won’t go ten seconds without a terrible pun, but if you just give up on the show being serious and enjoy it for how HORRIBLE it is, the commentary will grow on you quickly. The wrestling wasn’t half bad.

We get a preview for next week which is a voodoo chick vs. Madison Rayne as a cheerleader.

Overall Rating: B. Now let me explain. This show is TERRIBLE. There’s about four minutes of wrestling (the show is only half an hour including commercials so it’s not a huge stretch), a TON of bad comedy bits that don’t go anywhere and the commentary is nothing but puns.

HOWEVER, this is the kind of show where if you saw more than four seconds of the previews, you knew exactly what you were getting into. This show knows it’s horrible and it doesn’t try to take itself seriously in the slightest. I found it hilarious with how bad it was and if you go into it with that kind of mindset, you’ll have fun with it. Plus the girls look good so that helps.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews

Monday Nitro
Date: March 8, 1999
Location: DCU Center, Worcester, Massachusetts
Attendance: 9,400
Commentators: Tony Schiavone, Mike Tenay, Bobby Heenan, Larry Zbyszko

This is another request and the ultra rare Nitro request on top of that. This show is another three hour show from WCW and the first hour is considered one of the worst hours of wrestling TV ever. This is also the go home show for Uncensored which has a main event of Hogan vs. Flair. There’s some innovative thinking. Let’s get to it.

We open with a video of the special cage (the Cell) being built for the main event on Sunday.

We get a clip from Thunder with Arn Anderson talking to Flair, trying to console him about David Flair turning on his dad. Flair talks about how he’s got Hogan to worry about so he can’t worry about David right now. It’s David’s responsibility and that’s not Ric’s problem anymore. Anderson says that David is young and making mistakes. Ric says that’s not his problem right now. He says the Horsemen are back on top if he wins the title. Anderson says he hopes this is just a game face and that he really is concerned. Flair basically says screw that, it’s my time. Anderson doesn’t like it. This goes on for like seven minutes.

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The Nitro Girls are in Rhode Island at some kind of Nitro Party with competitions and such.

We go to a live Nitro Party in Providence, Rhode Island. They’re at a university apparently. There’s a spring break special and a guy here (last name Kazarian) won a trip to it.

We get introduced to Nitro Girl AC Jazz and see one of their practices.

Hogan talks about how everyone hates him but he did it for the money or something. This is tied into David Flair joining the NWO. Ric is only obsessed with the belt and power and doesn’t care at all about his son bailing. Hogan would NEVER do that but he’s willing to give Flair another shot, but he wants Flair’s career vs. the title. This also runs 5 minutes.

We’re over 20 minutes into this show and we haven’t seen the arena yet.

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Back to the Nitro Party after a presumed commercial. Konnan is at the party too.

Here’s a Konnan rap video to make sure we don’t get any wrestling.

Another NWO video, this one of Hogan and Nash watching a Flair promo. It’s basically them riffing on him as Flair talks about coming back to WCW and seeing his son leave him for the NWO. Hogan and Nash make Buddy Landell jokes that maybe 2% of the audience will get. The NWO says they’ll regroup.

Video on Lex Luger.

Scott Steiner is pulled over while driving a Hummer limo. The cops recognize him and Bagwell……and make them cops. We get a montage of them “stopping crimes” after starting them in the first place while calling each other Starsky and Hutch.

Back to the party with the girls dancing. Kidman is there now and thinks Mysterio can beat Nash.

Video on Mysterio. The NWO took his mask so this Sunday he can get revenge.

Torrie Wilson is shooting a gun at a shooting range when Hogan and Nash come in. They go in to see her and the camera would be right in the path of her bullets. The guys suggest she sleep with David to get him back on their side. They plan to meet for dinner later.

45 minutes in, no arena yet. Keep in mind that this was the hour they had unopposed by Raw. Raw would be having the final push to Mania 15, meaning Austin vs. Rock/McMahon. AND THIS IS WHAT THEY GIVE US. Is anyone surprised they went out of business?

And uh, here’s the dinner. They talk about destroying Ric Flair and plan about David.

See, apparently at this point there were four dark matches going on in the arena. We’re getting this hour of stuff instead. Looking at the card though, this might be more entertaining. Looking at Torrie Wilson with a dress that comes to her upper thigh is never a problem. She says there’s another hot girl she knows. The girl is some chick named Denise who I don’t recognize. Her last name is Robinson, meaning we get Graduate jokes. Apparently she’ll get 20 grand for taking care of David. Sounds like a sweet deal actually.

Now we get the theme song. SO WHAT WAS THAT FIRST HOUR???

We go to the arena…for an interview. Well of course we do. Gene calls out Goldberg for a chat but we get Torrie and David instead. David wants to talk to Ric man to man tonight. Goldberg’s music hits….and we take a break. Back with Goldberg in the ring, talking to David about respect. He isn’t going to take care of things like he usually would. That’s good. It might be entertaining.

David needs to respect what his father has done for the business because it’s more than David and his friends could ever do. David also needs to respect Goldberg because this is his time. David shoves him and gets choked, so here comes Ric. Flair sprints down and chops Goldberg once before turning to David, who is running away. Press slam to Ric (who is president at this point) and Naitch is in trouble. Flair makes Goldberg vs. himself tonight. Goldberg says Flair is crossing the line so Flair yells some more.

ANOTHER commercial.

Raven vs. Hak

Falls count anywhere. Neither gets an entrance. Raven has a chair and Hak (Sandman) has a cane, but as the bell rings….they hug. Oh never mind as Raven pounds him down almost immediately. HARD cane shot to Hak’s head and they head to the floor. Bam Bam Bigelow will join these two at Uncensored in a triangle match. Hak puts him on the guardrail and hits a leg to the back ala RVD minus the spin.

They go up the ramp with Raven hitting a suplex onto the steel. Bird Boy busts out a table on the stage. He climbs the scaffolding to put Hak through it and here’s Bigelow, who isn’t in the match. He beats up Hak anyway as the fans chant for Goldberg. The bell rings and I guess the match is thrown out to HUGE booing.

Rating: D+. This was stupid. I guess they were previewing the PPV match but it didn’t make me want to see it. Also it’s Raven’s Rules so how can that be a DQ? Stupid match with a stupid ending. The table spot and the cane shot weren’t bad, but what was the point of this?

Apparently the bell was inadvertent so we’re going to continue this in the same match we’ll see on Sunday. Great.

Hak vs. Raven vs. Bam Bam Bigelow

They’re fighting in the back with Hak being thrown all over the place. Hak comes back and fights up to an ambulance. Here’s Raven again and it’s just random brawling. There’s a trash cart and Hak goes for a ride in it. They fight over to Flair’s limo and Raven DDTs Hak on the hood, only to get crushed by Bigelow.

He hits Raven in the groin on the hood and they’re all exhausted. They keep beating on each other and you can hear the boring chants. The problem here is they’re just laying around, doing a spot, then laying around more. They all just walk away to end it. No rating because it wasn’t really a match, but this was STUPID.

Now we get clips of the three guys fighting last week. Ok then.

Lizmark Jr. vs. Chris Jericho

Jericho (WITH RALPHUS!) comes out wearing a dog collar. Jericho grabs the mic and welcomes us to Monday Night Jericho. Tony: “Hey we’re talking here fellow!” Chris wants to talk about Perry Saturn, who has challenged Jericho to a chain match on Sunday. Jericho is a master of the chain match though, after training on mountain tops in Nepal. He’s a Swami you see. This match is going to be a chain match. Tony: “There’s been too much talk and not enough wrestling here.” I think I just died because of that line.

The bell rings so let’s talk about Flair some more. I think you win by pin or submission here. Jericho steps on the chain to pull Lizmark in to start and chokes with it. He wraps the chain around the knee and drops it in a unique spot. Lizmark gets tied up with the chain as Tony talks about the chain match at Starrcade 83. Can we watch that instead? It’s a MUCH better match than anything that’ll be on this show. Lizmark chokes him a bit but walks into a kind of spinebuster and the Liontamer for the tap.

Rating: D+. There were some nice moves in this from Jericho but it was just a squash. Jericho has said he had more or less made up his mind that he was gone soon after this and in fact he would be in the WWF by I believe August, where things would go MUCH better for him. Lizmark never quite meant much in WCW.

Here’s Steiner to say he’s well built and all that. The fans are all fat. Buff Bagwell says Booker is too stupid to back out of the match tonight.

TV Title: Scott Steiner vs. Booker T

Steiner is TV Champion. The announcers talk about how great the NWO has been at what they’ve done. We’re two and a half years into the plan so far and it still hasn’t worked but whatever. Feeling out process to start and Booker hits a spinning forearm for two. A hook kick knocks Steiner to the floor and Tony complains about Steiner taking a break. Larry goes into some weird environmental speech about breathing clean air before Tony cuts him off.

Back in the ring and Booker rams him into the corner a few times before Scott kicks him low to take over. Out to the floor again and we get a steroids chant. We take a break and come back with Booker hitting a forearm for one but getting taken down by a clothesline. Spinning belly to belly puts Booker down and Steiner keeps pounding away at the back. He pounds Booker down in the corner with punches and gets two off a backbreaker.

Steiner keeps up the power with a slam and chokes Booker in the Tree of Woe. Booker escapes another slam and hits a neckbreaker to break up Steiner’s momentum just for a second. Ax kick out of nowhere puts Steiner down and there’s the Spinarooni. Booker goes up but gets crotched by Bagwell. There’s the Recliner and Booker’s arm drops twice. He holds it up for the third drop so Steiner drops him….which counts as the third arm drop and Steiner wins by knockout. At least it’s over.

Rating: C-. Not a horrible match here but Steiner just wasn’t over yet. That didn’t stop the company from shoving him down our throats of course but when did it ever? Bagwell was beyond annoying here and did the match no favors. Still though, it was nice to see a match get some time as opposed to what you were expecting with Raw at this time.

Steiner hits Booker in the back with a chair post match.

We see the Flair vs. Goldberg showdown earlier.

The Nitro Girls dance as Tony talks about upcoming house shows (his words).

Jerry Flynn gets promo time for some reason. Before he talks, Sonny Onoo (one of his opponents on Sunday and minus his accent) comes up but Jerry grabs him by the shirt. Ernest Miller, the other opponent, kicks Flynn in the back of the head and they cut off his mullet.

Scott Norton vs. Rey Mysterio

I think you get the idea here as Mysterio has Nash on Sunday. Norton is looking old here. Rey gets knocked to the floor and is holding his back. There isn’t much to say at all here. Mysterio charges at Norton, Norton knocks him down, Rey lays around a lot, Norton hits him some more, Rey charges at Norton and we repeat it again.

Norton throws him out to the floor and Rey’s back is hurt. Rey counters the shoulderbreaker but gets dropped on the buckle to stop the comeback. Norton kills him with a clothesline but picks him up. He does the same off a one handed press slam. Ok that was cool. Then Rey kicks him low and a fast count pins Norton. Seriously, that’s it.

Rating: F. What in the world did this accomplish? Rey looks like a ragdoll, Norton looks like an idiot, I have no reason to believe Rey can beat Nash fairly or have a chance against him, and the match was boring because Norton did little more than stand around the whole time. What was this supposed to accomplish?

More Nitro Girls.

The same cage building video from earlier is shown.

Van Hammer vs. Bret Hart

O……k. Apparently there are more stipulations for Flair vs. Hogan but you have to check the WCW website for them. Egads. Feeling out process to start and Bret is sent to the floor to cool off a bit. Back in and Van Hammer works on the arm but Bret nips up into an arm hold of his own. Van Hammer takes him right back down into a wristlock. He takes Bret into the corner and has been in control most of the match.

Bret is like screw that and hits Hammer low to take over. It’s time to work on the leg so Bret goes through his usual sequence of wear down stuff. Figure Four goes on (the wrong leg) but Van Hammer makes the rope. In a nice heel move Bret won’t let go and spends a long time explaining to the referee that it’s because Hammer is laying on his leg. Small package gets two for Hammer.

Hammer hooks the slowest motion backslide ever for two. Bret goes back to the knee with a cannonball down onto it. The leg gets wrapped around the post and a DDT gets two for the Hitman. Back to the floor and Bret tries to ram the leg into the post again, only to get pulled into it face first. Back in and Hammer suplexes him for no cover. Van Hammer’s cobra clutch slam gets two. An enziguri misses and it’s Sharpshooter time. You know that ends it.

Rating: C-. Not bad here but why would you wasted a 12 minute Bret Hart match on freaking Van Hammer? This is where WCW never made a ton of sense (I know, I know): they had no clue what to do with Bret as he was in the midcard for most of his time there, especially after the first few months where he didn’t do much of anything.

Bret hits the leg with a chair post match.

Hogan and Nash come to the commentary booth and run off Heenan and Tenay.

Ric Flair vs. Goldberg

You know you might think this should be saved for a PPV. That would make too much sense I guess though. Nash brings up a good question: why does Flair wear his knee pads below his knees? Flair gets taken down quickly and is shoved down a second time. Shoulder block doesn’t work at all for Flair. A second does even less. A third results in a gorilla press powerslam to have Flair in agony.

Flair tries to walk up the aisle but Goldberg drags him back. Nash talks about some really strong dude from the Emerald city but he isn’t sure what happened to him. A low blow puts Goldberg down (popular move tonight) and chops don’t work. Another low blow puts Goldie down for an easily broken two count. Goldberg stars a comeback but Flair kicks him low a third time. Refereeing in this company sucks.

Time to go after the legs and after a single shot it’s Figure Four time. That gets powered out of so Flair fires off some kicks. Goldberg no sells them and sends Flair to the corner for the Flair Flip and out to the floor. Flair gets slammed down but the spear misses and he hits the buckle. Goldberg no sells a suplex and spears him down. The NWO D-Team runs in for the no contest.

Rating: C+. This was getting really good until the bad ending. See, here’s what I don’t get. What was the point in the NWO coming in? Hogan is facing Flair on Sunday so wouldn’t they want him to get hit with the Jackhammer to hurt him more? Goldberg didn’t have a match on Sunday and wasn’t on the show at all, so why would they attack him? That’s a basic plot problem.

Hogan and Nash come in also and it’s a big NWO beatdown to end the show.

Overall Rating: D-. I know the expected thing is to say that this is the worst show ever and all that, but it really isn’t. Don’t get me wrong: it’s bad and this was a chore to sit through, but it wasn’t the worst show ever. This was just dull for the most part. Considering I didn’t have to pay much attention at all to the first hour, this was just a bad Nitro. That being said, the show still sucks, but I’ve seen far worse shows. The lack of energy or anyone caring at all is really evident though.

Here’s Uncensored if you’re interested:

Theme song opens us up.

Wrestlemania ad.

Money in the Bank Qualifying Match: Matt Hardy vs. Drew McIntyre

Shelton Benjamin vs. Dolph Ziggler

Shelton counters a monkey flip by landing on his feet and clotheslining Ziggler down. A German suplex gets two for Benjamin but he gets caught in a sleeper. That gets nowhere so Shelton sends him into the corner and tries Paydirt (the jumping Downward Spiral) but Ziggler falls the wrong way, making it like a jumping clothesline or punch. Either way it gets Shelton the pin.

Jimmy Wang Yang vs. Ezekiel Jackson

Luke Gallows vs. Rey Mysterio

A belly to back suplex puts Rey right back down as does a flying shoulder. Darren Young, the NXT rookie of CM Punk, is watching in the back. Rey finally gets in some offense by sending Gallows out to the floor as we take a break. Back with Luke clotheslining Rey down for two and sending him to the apron. Rey is whipped into the post and Gallows is in full control. Back in and a slam gets two for Gallows as the match stays slow.

Post match Punk tries a GTS but Rey escapes and kicks him in the knee.

John Morrison/R-Truth vs. Hart Dynasty vs. Cryme Tyme

Truth cleans house and kicks Kidd in the face for no cover. Shad and Smith go at it but Morrison hits a cross body to take all three of them to the floor. Tyson hits a springboard missile dropkick for two on Truth but R- immediately comes back with the Lie Detector (spinning forearm) for the pin and the title shot.

The winners dance post match.

We run down the Mania card.

Edge vs. Big Show

Big Show runs him over to start and knocks Edge out to the floor. As he pulls the guy with hair back inside though, Edge guillotines him down onto the top rope to get himself a breather. A chop puts Edge right back down though but he uses some speed to avoid the monster. That lasts all of a handful of seconds though as Big Show chops him right back down. All Big Show so far.

Post match Jericho runs in and gets speared down again.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews

We’re closing in on Uncensored and we need to get the main event established already. So far we know it’s Team WCW vs. Team NWO but if my memory is right, tonight we’ll hear about a third team being added. This show would be going against Raw in Germany which had Bulldog vs. Owen in one of the best TV matches ever, so I think Nitro is going to lose in the quality war tonight. Let’s get to it.

The NWO arrives in what looks like a Hummer limo. After they come in another limo pulls up, containing Dr. Harvey Schiller, the real head of Turner Sports. Again with WCW’s idea of having real suits with no connection to the business playing themselves.

Hugh Morrus/Konnan vs. Jeff Jarrett/Steve McMichael

Morrus and Jarrett get us going and it’s time to talk about the Dr. that showed up earlier on. Jarrett speeds things up and takes Morrus down with a shoulder and an atomic drop. Morrus comes back with right hands and brings in Konnan with the rolling clothesline. Morrus tries a spinning cross body while Konnan holds Jarrett, but Jeff low blows K-Dawg and Konnan takes the fat man. Mongo cleans house but here’s Public Enemy. Jarrett swings the briefcase at Rocco but it blasts Mongo for the pin.

Rating: D-. How many weeks in a row have we seen these two have some kind of a mishap that leads to a pin? It seemed to go on for months on end and it would continue over the summer. Jarrett didn’t get over because of this and he made the right move by jumping to the WWF in the fall.

Here are Anderson and Flair to complain about the miscommunication. Jarrett says that he’s Horsemen material but Flair gets in his face. Ric says Jarrett is making Flair look bad. Now THAT says a lot. Mongo yells a lot and Debra starts talking, drawing some LOUD booing. She doesn’t want to be on a losing team so GET IT TOGETHER.

Rick Fuller vs. Diamond Dallas Page

Fuller is a big guy standing probably 6’7. Page works on the arm to start followed by a belly to back. Fuller powers him down and drops a leg for two. The fans chant for DDP so he hits the spinning clothesline to take Fuller down. A slam is reversed into the Diamond Cutter for the easy pin. Fuller had a good look.

Page talks about the NWO beating him down last week and focuses on Savage in particular. He tells Savage to snap into the Diamond Cutter.

Juventud Guerrera vs. Ray Mendoza Jr.

That’s Mendoza, not Mysterio and he’s more famous as Villano IV. Mendoza tries to make this a technical match by taking it to the mat which makes sense against Guerrera. Juvy is like screw that in Spanish and hits a pair of ranas to send Mendoza to the floor. The plancha misses though and Mendoza takes over again. Back in an overhead belly to belly gets two. Juvy takes over and hits a springboard legdrop for two.

Off to a chinlock so the guys can catch their breath which is fine. Back up and a victory roll into a rana gets two for Juvy. Mendoza gets backdropped to the floor and they ignore the DQ rule because they want to. Juvy hits a suicide dive but Mendoza kicks away at him anyway. A slingshot rana brings Mendoza back in and they both go to the corner. They both go up and Mendoza gets crotched. A spinwheel kick puts him down and the 450 (to the knees) ends this.

Rating: D+. This was a lot sloppier than you would expect. The match wasn’t bad but other than Rey, you could more or less throw any Cruiserweight from another country and throw him in these spots and it would be about the same. Then again, this was still pretty new stuff at the time so it’s ok.

Kevin Sullivan, Jackie and Jimmy Hart take over the announcers’ desk and Jackie takes credit for Benoit and Woman not being here. She challenges any man on the roster, throwing out names like Hogan, Nash and Savage. Why is she allowed to talk? Who thinks it’s a good idea?

Hank Aaron is here.

Mike Enos vs. Dean Malenko

Malenko is all fired up here because of Eddie ticking him off and costing him the title if I remember right. He chokes Enos in the corner and takes out the knee. They head to the floor and Malenko works on the leg using the barricade. Back in and Enos finally gets in a knee lift to slow Dean down. And never mind as Dean takes the knee out again almost immediately. Malenko hits a top rope cross body but Enos rolls through for two. A clothesline puts Malenko down but a splash misses. Enos tries a slam but Dean small packages him for the pin.

Rating: D+. Basically just a squash but it was fun to see Dean going OFF like this, showing emotion for almost the first time in his career. He would pick up the US Title at the PPV, which should have been a step up in the card for him and to a degree it was, but he never really moved past that. To be fair, Malenko didn’t exactly have the charisma to get much higher.

Dean says he’ll do that to anyone that gets in his way.

Here’s Bischoff who says he would love to put up the NWO’s belts at Uncensored because they’re awesome like that. As he brags about how great the NWO is, here’s Harvey Schiller. Once we actually explain who he is (he’s in charge of Turner’s Sports and Bischoff’s real life boss), he says that Bischoff has to follow rules which he hasn’t been doing. Therefore, Eric is SUSPENDED. This was a big deal and it was one of the first big shots that WCW got back against the NWO. And of course WCW capitalized on it and won the war within 4 months right?

US Title: Eddie Guerrero vs. Ultimo Dragon

Eddie is defending. The fans chant USA and it’s a feeling out process to start. Eddie takes him down with a headscissors but gets sent to the floor. Sonny tries to fire some kicks but Eddie is having none of that. He will however have some of Dragon’s kicks, including a spinwheel kick to take him down. Eddie rolls through a cross body and even though his feet are in the ropes, Dragon’s shoulder was up and Eddie is rolling on top of Dragon, the pin counts. That was a major botch of some kind and Eddie looks stunned by whatever happened.

Eddie says he’s tried to apologize to Dean so here’s Malenko in the flesh. Dean says he knows what Eddie’s true colors are and Eddie has no idea what’s going on. They yell a lot and that’s about it.

Hour #2 begins.

Scotty Riggs vs. Mr. Wallstreet

This is a fine example of people that remember Nitro being all drama and young guys having great matches. A lot of the time we had stuff like this to sit through. Riggs takes over quickly and hits a double ax to the head for two. Wallstreet sends him to the floor and does nothing out there, so let’s go back inside.

Schiller has officially made the main event for Uncensored, but it’s going to be a three way match with Piper having a team as well. We hit the chinlock but Riggs jawbreaks his way out of it. Elbow drop misses and Wallstreet takes over again. Riggs comes back with a middle rope missile dropkcik and a top rope sunset flip for two. And here’s Buff Bagwell for the DQ because MICHAEL FREAKING WALLSTREET has to be protected.

Rating: D. This got four minutes and a DQ finish. Look at the participants in this match for a minute and let that sink in. Riggs vs. Bagwell was such a pathetic feud and it was about as close to the Billy and Chuck of their day as you can get. Nothing here and for the life of me I don’t get why they didn’t just have a regular ending.

Piper is here because I guess he heard the announcement about getting a team and warped over. He talks about beating Hogan twice and calls the Outsiders cloned monkeys. Piper has two families: one in Oregon and one here with the fans. He’s going to make a third family out of people he…..oh sweet goodness not this. He’s going to have a series of tryouts tonight and the three winners make his team. Assuming there was nothing set up in a different kind of time frame, this was all set up within the last eight minutes or so. The fans are going to get to decide who makes his team.

Now keep in mind: three of these six guys will headline a WINNER TAKE ALL match on PPV in 13 days. Piper gets down to his trunks and the first guy is…..some dude in jeans. Tony: “I have no idea who that is.” Piper takes him down in an amateur position and the guy taps to a hammerlock very quickly. That’s a thumbs down.

Guy #2 is Horshu, who is more famous as Luther Reigns, who isn’t named Horshu yet and would only become a WCW Saturday Night guy in a few years. He fires off some left hands but gets put to sleep quickly.

#3 is a guy but “some guy with boxing gloves” jumps him. He looks like a cross between Eugene and Steve Williams. Piper has boxing gloves in his trunks for no apparent reason and let’s have a boxing match. Piper punches him into oblivion, gets knocked down then beats up Boxing Guy again, until Boxing Guy takes out the legs. The fans are starting to boo. Piper says bring it on and eventually gives the guy a spot on his team.

Wait we’re not done with Boxing guy because Piper says the fans are being too harsh so let’s fight some more. They take the gloves off and fight for about 20 more seconds before finally giving up on it.

#4 (I guess?) is a big fat guy who REALLY looks like Steve Williams. He’s barefoot so Tenay declares him a martial artist. Heenan: “He’s barefoot and tattooed. Sounds like the winner of the Miss Kentucky contest.” Piper gets kicked down but comes back with kicks of his own. He’s a legit black belt in Judo so he actually knows what he’s doing in a fight. This is before the letters UFC meant anything though, as they were only on their 12th show. The martial artist (none of them have had a name so far) gets totally gassed but tries to throw Piper out anyway. Piper escapes and gives this guy a spot on the team.

The final guy is John Tenta who at least gets a reaction because people know who he is. After a quick fight, the other teammates get in and it’s a big brawl. There’s the team I guess. Piper says it’s war with the NWO now. Thankfully this lasted about 5 minutes before WCW forgot these people existed and put in Jarrett, Benoit and Mongo instead. This got EIGHTEEN MINUTES. Let that sink in for a minute.

Rey Mysterio Jr. vs. Mr. JL

Prince Iaukea gets to talk during this match for some reason. Rey takes over to start with a corkscrew dive for two. JL throws him into the air and brings him down into a DDT for a delayed two. He goes up but misses a diving headbutt. They go to the floor and JL hits a flip dive off the apron. Back in and Rey ranas him down for two. Rey finally gets to the apron and hits the West Coast Pop for the pin out of nowhere.

Rating: D. This was a REALLY awkward match. It wasn’t terrible I guess but these two might as well have been wrestling blindfolded. They didn’t click at all and it felt like they were going with random moves instead of any kind of match with a flow or story at all. Just didn’t work at all.

Madusa is here and says she’s been here for more than a year. She threw away a title belt to open up women’s wrestling but can’t get on TV because of Bischoff. Gee what a shock. This goes on for awhile with her talking about how great women are until Luna Vachon debuts and jumps her.

Here’s the NWO in full force with “Sting”. Wait that’s actually him. Ok then. Eric says that they’re not worried about Schiller because they’re friends with Ted. Hogan makes fun of Piper’s team and Savage says Piper needs a psychiatrist. This somehow takes seven minutes to get through.

Steiner Brothers vs. Lex Luger/The Giant

Rick and Lex get things started as we’re rapidly running out of time. Lex takes him into the corner and Rick comes back with punches. Luger shows off the power and down goes Dog Face. Off to Scott as this is the Steiners’ first match back from the car wreck. Scott hits a butterfly powerbomb and it’s off to Giant who gets the crowd fired up. Rick tags himself in and comes off the middle rope with an ax handle to take him down. A GREAT double suplex puts Giant down for two. Everyone stops to stare at each other and it’s NWO time. Sting stands with the NWO and the match just kind of ends.

Rating: D. This was a lot of standing around for the sake of standing around until the NWO ran in to end the match. These four would wind up being Team WCW at the PPV which would be fine as all four had reason to face the NWO guys. This could have been a big time tag match too.

Piper and company come in through the crowd and the brawl finally gets going to end the show.

Overall Rating: F. This was a horrible show on all accounts. All of the matches were either barely watchable or horrible, there was a nearly 20 minute segment that got booed out of the building, and other than the Bischoff suspension (you know, the guy that was back an hour and a half later saying it meant nothing), NOTHING happened on this show. Terrible episode here and one of the worst in the history of the show.

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Orton is back tonight and he’s facing Daniel Bryan after Bryan gave him the concussion that put him out. I don’t remember if I ever heard how legit that injury was. Anyway, that’s the main event and it should be good, but I’d be shocked if we got a clean finish to it. Expect more of the Bryan vs. Sheamus build as well as some more Ace vs. Long stuff. Let’s get to it.

We open with what looks more like a commercial for the show than an opening video. It’s about the main event.

Do You Know Your Enemy? Mine is bronchitis.

Here’s Sheamus to open the show. He says he’s thinking about Wrestlemania and being in front of over 80,000 members of the WWE Universe. FANS. THEY’RE CALLED FANS. When did that become a dirty word? I know “Members of the WWE Universe” has been their term for it for years now, but why is fans such a bad thing to say? Anyway he can’t wait to face Bryan. Bryan has become a changed man since he won the title, just like Sheamus did two years ago.

When Sheamus won his first world title, he became wrapped up in his own ego. However, he was lucky. He should have known that the WWE Title was the greatest trophy he could have earned. He became a bully instead though. You mean like he was before he won the title? What Sheamus needed was for someone to knock his block off. Bryan needs the same thing.

This brings out Vickie and Dolph for some reason. She liked his story but her favorite part was when Sheamus stopped talking. Ziggler says the people deserve to see him in the main event, not Sheamus. He says Sheamus’ hair is on fire. Sheamus says that joke is as old as Dolph’s grandmother Vickie. For some reason this leads to Vickie talking about Ace/Teddy and saying she’s the only non-McMahon to be GM of both shows. Teddy comes out and makes Dolph vs. Sheamus right now. I liked Sheamus’ promo here. He’s not the best talker in the world so keeping it simple is something that works well for him.

Sheamus vs. Dolph Ziggler

The match is joined in progress after a break but it doesn’t look like we’ve missed much. There was an ad talking about how Ace will run Smackdown next week so the announcers talk about that for awhile. Ziggler hits a dropkick but Sheamus keeps smiling. Sheamus comes back with forearms to the back and the ten in the ropes. The fans clearly really like Sheamus but they’ve given him no character development at all. It’s a lost art in WWE anymore.

Ziggler goes to the floor. Booker says stay on your bicycle Dolph. There’s an image for you, complete with Benny Hill music. Ziggler grabs a neckbreaker coming back in to take over. Another neckbreaker gets two so Dolph drops some elbows for the same result. Sheamus fights out of a chinlock and hits his power shots to come back. Powerslam gets two. Ziggler locks on a sleeper but Sheamus powers out of it by ramming Ziggler into the corner and out to the floor.

Dolph comes off the top but jumps into the Irish Curse. It gets two as Vickie puts the foot on the ropes. Sheamus loads up the Celtic Cross (Sheamus’, not Finlay’s). Irish Curse The Sequel gets two. Sheamus pounds his chest and shouts Brogue so Vickie calls out Swagger. The Kick takes him down but Ziggler hits a Fameasser. That only gets two so he tries the Zig Zag. Sheamus holds the ropes and catches Ziggler in the new finisher which is now called the White Noise.

Rating: B-. Pretty good match here with Sheamus continuing to roll over the upper midcard. Since they’re not going to give him and Bryan a concrete story, this works as well as anything else. Also it makes Sheamus look a lot stronger going into the PPV. At the end of the day though, he needs to pin Orton clean to really make himself look like the top challenger on Smackdown and I’m not sure I can see that. The other problem is that Bryan needs to be made to look strong also and I don’t think that’s going to happen.

We recap the Bryan vs. Punk stuff from Raw with the Battling Bosses.

Ace and Otunga are in Teddy’s office when Teddy comes in. Ace wants an apology for the attack by Teddy on Raw. Apparently Ace has a bad back now and its because of Teddy. Otunga is considering a civil suit against Teddy. Ace says an apology will do instead. Teddy says no because it made Ace look like “a cow on ice crossed with Sesame Street Big Bird.” Otunga vs. Khali on Monday. Ace suggests Teddy try yoga.

Heath Slater vs. Santino Marella

Santino attacks to start but the headbutt lands on knees. The announcers talk about Ace and Teddy. Cole: “See how tough he is?” Booker: “He used to have a skateboard. That’s how tough he is.” Anyway, Slater hits a Harlem Side Kick for two. He goes up but gets crotched and the Cobra ends it at 1:53.

Video on HHH vs. Undertaker, the same from Raw. The match simply isn’t as good as they’re trying to make it out to be. It’s very good. It’s a great match. It’s not this masterpiece that they’re pushing it as.

Natalya yells at Eve about Zach. Eve goes off on her about it and guess what Natalya winds up doing. You either want the Divas to be serious or you don’t. Pick one.

Natalya vs. Eve Torres

Natalya controls with a headlock and Booker has a thing for Eve. Now Booker diagnoses Natalya’s stomach issues. Eve slaps her so Natalya takes her down and pounds on her. Eve reverses a rollup into one of her own for the pin at 1:32.

Here’s Cody who has held the title for a very long time. If my math is right, if he holds the title until April 10, he’ll have held if for the longest reign since Rock’s in 97/98. Cody talks about Big Show’s Wrestlemania losses and shows some stills from the Akebono and Mayweather matches. Cody says Show should be thanking him for keeping Show out of Wrestlemania because Show would just floudner again. He’s got another Wrestlemania clip but Show cuts him off.

Cody runs into the crowd as soon as Show gets to the ring. Show says hang on a second. He wanted to watch the new clip with Cody like friends. Since Cody won’t come back though, Show better go get Cody. Cue Teddy who says hang on a minute. This isn’t Pamplona, Spain and Show can’t be running into the crowd like a bull. Show vs. Cody for the title is announced for Wrestlemania. That’s the second time the IC Title will be on the line at Mania since 2002.

Big Show vs. Mark Henry

Show takes him down to start but Henry fights back and clotheslines Show to the floor. The fans chant Sexual Chocolate as Show is sent into the timekeeper’s area. He gets back to the apron at 8 but Henry rams him into the exposed buckle as we take a break. Back with Henry pounding him down and Cody on commentary. Back to the floor and Henry rams Show’s back into the post.

With Show still against the post, Mark throws the steps at him. Since that would result in probable death, Show moves. Henry knocks him down again and hits a Vader Bomb for two. Show hits a superkick and a “spear” (it was a shoulder block) to take Henry down. Show sets for the chokeslam but gets caught in the Slam for two. So long Henry, hope you enjoyed your time in the main event. Henry charges into the corner but walks into the WMD for the pin at 5:22 shown of 8:52.

Rating: C-. It’s such a shame to see someone like Henry who has raised his game so much over the last six months and shocked the world by becoming a legit world champion to be sent down to this because of the way the WWE main event pushes work. Instead of going and feuding with a midcard face, they need to have him against other top good guys and losing, making his whole summer of dominance seem like it was nothing at all. Such is life in the WWE anymore.

Teddy tells Drew if he loses he’s fired. Again.

Orton says he’s back to normal, which means angry and wanting revenge. Bryan decided to pay the price and tonight Orton is going to collect.

Drew McIntyre vs. Justin Gabriel

Drew starts by blocking a kick and getting a clothesline for two. Another spin kick misses and Drew hits a big boot for two. Into the corner but Drew’s tilt-a-whirl slam is countered into a DDT. Gabriel goes up and hits the 450 for the pin at 1:44. Justin hit two moves the whole match.

Teddy pops up on screen and fires Drew. At least until next week when Ace rehires him because he sees a lot of potential in him or something. They mentioned that Ace discovered Drew and brought him to WWE in the first place during the match.

We get ALL of Rock and Cena from Monday. The version I watch is divided into 6 fifteen minute parts. I literally skipped all of part 5 because of this. There was NOTHING in there they could clip?

Daniel Bryan says he hasn’t changed since he won the title. He’s still the same down to Earth person who was born and raised in Aberdeen, Washington. However he moved to Vegas as soon as possible. He calls himself a role model and talks about how he beat Giant and Henry in a cage and five others in the Elimination Chamber.

Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton

The fans are split on Bryan. Orton sends him to the floor quickly and throws Bryan into things. He sends Bryan into the steps and kicks Bryan’s head into them. Back in Orton loads up a superplex but Bryan shoves him off and takes over. Knee to the head gets two as we take a break. Back with Bryan working over the arm and shoulder. Booker says that he’ll never call Bryan D-Bry again. Bryan stays on the shoulder but Orton hits a dropkick to get some seperation.

Booker runs down AJ now, calling Bryan her meal ticket. Is AJ really a heel, or does she just associate with one? I’m not exactly sure. The dropkick gets two. Bryan kicks him in the shoulder so Orton throws him into the Elevated DDT. RKO is countered twice and Bryan heads to the floor. Orton follows him and loads up the Elevated DDT on the floor….but here’s Kane. Didn’t see that one coming. The bell rings, presumably for a countout since Kane hasn’t touched anyone, at 6:30 shown of 10:00.

Rating: C. Well we knew it wasn’t going to be a clean finish. I’d assume this is going to set up Kane vs. Orton at Wrestlemania. That’s a feud I’ve always wanted to see as I’m a fan of both guys. It’s as good as anything else they’re going to get and it gives them both something to do. The match was just ok though as they didn’t have the time to get anything good going.

Orton goes straight at Kane for no apparent reason. Kane might have been coming to ask Booker if he wanted to buy some Girl Scout cookies. They go into the ring but Kane is clotheslined to the floor. He pulls Orton out and they brawl on the floor for a bit. Back inside and Orton’s shoulder goes into the post. A chokeslam puts Randy down and Kane wants a mic. He says welcome back Randy and that’s it.

Ace says it’s Kane vs. Aksana next week.

Overall Rating: B. I liked this show a lot. This is more the Smackdown style: steady as it goes and set up matches for the PPV. Here we set up the IC Title match, Kane vs. Orton and they furthered the Smackdown world title match. With four weeks to go until the PPV, that’s a pretty solid show as far as building to the PPV. I could have done without 1/6 of the show being about Cena vs. Rock though. They could have cut that down to about five minutes and it would have been fine. Better show than most recent ones here though.

Results
Sheamus b. Dolph Ziggler – White Noise
Santino Marella b. Heath Slater – Cobra
Eve Torres b. Natalya – Rollup
Justin Gabriel b. Drew McIntyre – 450 Splash
Daniel Bryan vs. Randy Orton went to a double countout

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