Monday Night Raw
Date: January 1, 2007
Location: American Airlines Arena, Miami, Florida
Attendance: 15,169
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

It’s the first show of the year, along with being the go home show for New Year’s Revolution. That means things are going to pick up in a hurry, so we’ll start with….the Kevin Federline match. The best thing we can hope for here is that it is over in a hurry so we can move on to anything else, as the fifteen minutes have to be long past up. Let’s get to it.

Here are the most recent results if you need a recap.

We open with a recap of John Cena vs. Kevin Federline. He has been a good celebrity but egads it feels bottom of the barrel.

Opening sequence.

John Cena vs. Kevin Federline

Non-title and they aren’t wasting time with this one. Federline comes out in a boxing robe and announces that Jonathan Coachman has made this No DQ. Therefore, here is Johnny Nitro to be in Federline’s corner, which does make sense. Nitro gives Federline his mouthpiece but hang on again as Federline has to put on his gloves. Hang on again as Federline needs some headgear and NOW we’re ready to go.

Federline’s headlock is broken as quickly as you would expect so there go the gloves. Hang on again though as Federline has an idea: let’s make this a Masterlock Challenge! Cena has a seat in the chair but Federline changes his mind. Instead it’s a test of strength….with Federline pulling him into a cross armbreaker of all things. That’s countered into a powerbomb but Nitro comes in, allowing Federline to hit a low blow. Cue Umaga and Armando Alejandro Estrada to beat Cena down, including a belt shot, to give Federline the cocky pin.

Rating: C. Yeah this was completely fine and nothing unexpected. Federline did a bunch of the classic hits here and that is all it needed to be. This was MUCH better than having Federline try to work a match and it added some heat to Sunday’s title match. There was no need to try anything more complicated and this could have been much, much worse.

Post break, Maria tries to talk to Federline but Melina isn’t having any of that. Melina isn’t having any of that because Maria called him K-Fed. Instead they can have a match later, but Melina gives her a slap for a preview.

DX talks strategy in the back, I’m guessing for a chess tournament.

We go to Kevin Federline’s celebration, complete with Johnny Nitro, Melina and a bunch of women. Coach comes in to make a four on one handicap match with John Cena facing Armando Alejandro Estrada, Umaga, Nitro and….Coach himself. Of note: Coach reminds us that Nitro has an Intercontinental Title shot at the pay per view, which has been mostly forgotten since the match was announced.

Some members of the Miami Heat, including Shaquille O’Neal, are here.

Cryme Tyme/Highlanders vs. Shelton Benjamin/Charlie Haas/Lance Cade/Trevor Murdoch

Cryme Tyme says hi to Shaq during the entrances. Cade charges into Rory’s elbow in the corner to start so JTG comes in to dance around a bit. That earns him a kick to the ribs and Haas comes in for a butterfly suplex. Benjamin and Murdoch don’t seem to be on the same page so Cade drops a leg instead. A missed middle rope elbow gives JTG a breather and the hot tag brings in Shad to slug away. Shad’s belly to back suplex gets two and everything breaks down. A jawbreaker sends Murdoch into the ropes with JTG snapping the back of his neck over the top for the pin.

Rating: D+. Nothing to see here but Cryme Tyme getting another pin is a good idea. Above all else, the tag team division needs some fresh teams and Cryme Tyme has been built up rather well. The rest of the teams are just kind of there, though Haas and Benjamin should take all of eighteen seconds to reheat if needed.

Wrestlemania Recall: the biggest match in the history of professional wrestling.

Jeff Hardy vs. Rob Conway

Non-title. Before the match, Conway says that he is sick of losing around here and if he loses again, he’s done with Raw. Conway then loses in about 20 seconds to a sunset flip in his last televised match in WWE.

Post match Conway is still in the ring and here is Vince McMahon for a chat. Vince talks about how many people break their New Year’s resolution, just like Conway already did. He isn’t breaking his though, which includes not being nice and letting people take advantage of him. That means he isn’t going to be like his good friend Donald Trump, who is having trouble with Rosie O’Donnell, who he refers to as Yokozuna. Speaking of Trump, Vince doesn’t like him stealing his catchphrase, so Conway is FIRED.

Kenny Dykstra says Ric Flair offering a handshake wasn’t about Flair, but about himself. They say deaths come in threes, but tonight he’s going to make it four: James Brown, Gerald Ford, Saddaam Hussein and Ric Flair’s career.

We look at Rated-RKO attacking Ric Flair a few weeks ago, leading to DX wanting revenge. Then Rated-RKO destroyed DX on the last Raw of the year.

Here is DX for a chat and they seem rather chipper despite being taken out two weeks ago. Shawn says he can’t pretend what he just saw didn’t happen but they are out of competition. They have beaten a bunch of people who are either gone or jerking the curtain somewhere else. Now they have Rated-RKO show up and finally you have two guys who have a set. Then they took out Ric Flair and beat him within an inch of his life. They one upped themselves by laying out DX, which is someone no one has ever done before.

That’s why the violence is coming at New Year’s Revolution. HHH says Rated-RKO thinks they have them in the palm of their hands, but remember when Vince McMahon thought that? It’s because DX is like…..Frosted Mini Wheats? They have two sides: the sweet and sugary side (Shawn: “I like the sugary side!”) and the other side, who is going to make Rated-RKO bleed. This was some weird mix of goofy and serious and it only kind of worked.

Melina vs. Maria

Melina is in workout gear for some reason and Victoria comes out for commentary. Maria knocks her into the corner to start and hammers away as the catfight is on. Victoria rants on the lack of spots because of people like Mickie James as Melina snaps Maria’s neck across the top. Maria gets a boot up in the corner and hammers away as Victoria wants her to just go back to the beach already. A rollup goes badly for Melina so she stacks Maria up (with nothing in between) for the pin.

Post match Victoria goes after Lilian Garcia but Mickie James runs out for the save.

Video on Tribute to the Troops, set to a Goo Goo Dolls song.

Ric Flair/Carlito vs. Kenny Dykstra/Chris Masters

Torrie Wilson is here with the good ones. JR: “Now Kenny has a last name. And a hometown!” Masters tags Kenny in rather than facing Carlito (the hair is frightening) but comes in after Kenny takes him down. It’s quickly off to Flair for a chop block to Masters but Kenny breaks up the Figure Four in a hurry. We take a break and come back with Masters taking Carlito into the corner and Kenny grabbing the chinlock. It’s back to Masters for some chops in the corner and a chinlock of his own.

There’s a gorilla press for two but Carlito is back up with a springboard elbow to the face. Kenny is smart enough to go outside and knock Flair off the apron, leaving Carlito to get Masterlocked. Flair comes back in for the save as everything breaks down. The hot tag brings Flair back in to chop away but Masters clotheslines him down. Carlito and Masters fight to the floor as Kenny sends Flair into the buckle and grabs a rollup with feet on the ropes for the pin.

Rating: C-. Pretty basic match here, though the ending didn’t exactly do much for anyone. Above all else, it continues the Kenny push and it is only working so well. The fact that JR is mocking him for getting a last name and a hometown should tell you everything there is to know about his development. Kenny needed to go away for a long time to get rid of the Spirit Squad aura, but this isn’t a complete disaster yet.

Post match Flair says this isn’t over but here is Rated-RKO to take Flair out, including another Conchairto. I’m guessing DX stepped out for stroganoff. Flair is checked on, and after a break, he is still being checked on.

New Year’s Revolution rundown, including Kenny vs. Flair and Carlito vs. Masters.

Here’s Kevin Federline to say he told us so. He shocked the world earlier and it was so fun that he is going to have a seat at ringside. John Cena can’t see him.

John Cena vs. Armando Alejandro Estrada/Umaga/Jonathan Coachman/Johnny Nitro

Kevin Federline is on commentary. Cena charges in to slug it out with Umaga and low bridges the monster to the floor. Nitro comes in to hammer away but gets release fisherman’s suplexed. Umaga is back in for a Samoan drop and Coach gets in a few shots. That triggers the comeback so Cena cleans house, including getting Umaga in the STFU. Estrada brings in a chair but Cena takes it away and hits Umaga in the head for the DQ.

Post match Cena cleans house and grabs Federline for the FU. A lot of posing and staring ends the show.

Overall Rating: D+. Not much of a show here, but it felt like they were scrambling to get through the show while also focusing on the Federline stuff (which went shockingly well). New Year’s Revolution feels like something that is just there too, with stuff like the Intercontinental Title match barely being mentioned. Cena vs. Umaga and DX vs. Rated-RKO should be enough to carry the show, but it wasn’t exactly a great commercial for the pay per view.

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Today we’re going to look at one of the best technical wrestlers you’ll find: Nick Dinsmore.

Dinsmore got his start in 1996 in OVW where he would spend the majority of his career. However we’ll pick him up as a jobber on Nitro, September 21, 1998.

Nick Dinsmore vs. Wrath

Dinsmore is more famous as Eugene. Wrath throws him into the corner to start and sidesteps a dropkick. Meltdown ends this squash quick.

From the next week on the same show.

Lenny Lane/Nick Dinsmore vs. Scott Steiner

Steiner talks some trash about his brother before the match. Lane is quickly sent to the floor and Dinsmore gets tossed around with ease. Steiner’s dinner changes places and Lane is put in the Tree of Woe. Dinsmore is tossed into the steps and Bagwell gets in some cheap shots of his own. Scott suplexes Nick onto Lenny and a double Steiner Recliner is good for the win.

As hard as it is to find, I have to put in something from OVW. Here’s Dinsmore on OVW TV on May 1, 1999.

Nick Dinsmore vs. Pawn of Destruction

Dinsmore is OVW Champion and The Pawn of Destruction is a masked man Iron Man Rob Conway jumps on commentary and says he wants a title match right now. Conway is Dinsmore’s longtime partner but they’re now feuding with Dinsmore barely hanging onto the title. As a fighting champions, Dinsmore says bring it on.

OVW Title: Nick Dinsmore vs. Rob Conway

Conway is wrestling in sunglasses because he’s a jerk. Apparently Nick doesn’t like them as he rams Rob into the buckle to knock them off. A belly to belly puts Conway down but Rob comes back with knees to the ribs. He crotches Dinsmore on top and nails him in the head with a right hand. Some elbows to the jaw put Conway down but he ducks his head and takes an X-Factor. A pair of dropkicks drop Rob again and a top rope clothesline looks to set up Dinsmore’s German suplex, only to have Damaja (Danny Basham) come in for a distraction, allowing Conway to grab a rollup for the pin and the title.

Rating: D+. This didn’t have time to go anywhere and it’s clear that neither guy was ready to do more than a few minutes. Dinsmore did well enough with his high flying but I didn’t get the chance to see enough from Conway. The title change doesn’t mean much as Dinsmore got the title back nine days later.

Here’s Dinsmore with more experience and a better opponent at OVW Christmas Chaos 2001.

OVW Title: Chris Benoit vs. Nick Dinsmore

Dinsmore is more or less the best wrestler of all time in OVW. He more or less was a Benoit clone so this should be interesting. Benoit had lost the IC Title ten days before this so he was pretty big as you would expect. He yells at the crowd about how awesome he is and still gets a face pop. Benoit is freaking jacked. Cornette talks about how great Dinsmore’s German suplex is.

It’s weird to see Dinsmore looking in great shape as opposed to being kind of chubby as Eugene. We start with a technical match of course as that’s both guys’ bread and butter. They hit a Test of Strength and Benoit gets him down onto the mat but Dinsmore bridges out. In an incredibly impressive spot, Benoit jumps into the air and drops down onto said bridge but can’t break it. He does it again and STILL Dinsmore stays up. That was awesome looking.

Pinfall reversal sequence gets two for both guys. Benoit outmaneuvers Dinsmore with relative ease because he’s Chris Benoit. Chris works the arm and hooks a surfboard. Dinsmore fights back a bit but it doesn’t last long as Benoit works on the knee a bit. He drapes Nick over the top rope and might have hurt his ribs.

Dinsmore hasn’t been in control for the whole match so far as Benoit is dominating. Nick gets a small package for two and Benoit is like OH NO YOU DIDN’T and chops the heck out of him. Off to a chinlock as this has been going almost ten minutes now. OVW was part of the NWA at this point. I didn’t realize that and it kind of surprises me as they’re also part of the WWF system.

Another rollup gets two so Benoit takes his head off again. Benoit pounds on him some more but Dinsmore goes for a backslide. Benoit blocks so Dinsmore rolls through into a sunset flip. As he has every time though, once Dinsmore gets a rollup he gets his head taken off by Benoit. Nick gets a Dragon Screw Leg Whip out of nowhere which gets him nowhere also.

Dinsmore gets a fifth or sixth rollup and for the fifth or sixth time he gets his head taken off. Benoit goes up but Nick runs up the ropes and chops the tar out of him. Superplex puts Benoit down but Dinsmore is half dead too. They slug it out and here comes Dinsmore. Superkick (is there anyone in OVW that doesn’t use that move?) sets up a missile dropkick which sets up the German Suplex but Rico Constantino runs in for the DQ as he goes after Dinsmore.

Rating: B. Good match here but nothing classic. This was more or less Benoit beating the heck out of Nick for about 15 minutes and then Dinsmore finally getting some offense in. The ending works as you can’t have Benoit win the title but you don’t want to have him lose to Dinsmore clean either. Constantino would take the title from Dinsmore in about a month. Best match of the night so far.

Dinsmore would be in a dark match before Raw on May 14, 2001.

Leviathan vs. Nick Dinsmore

That would be Batista. He easily powers Dinsmore into the corner to start and shrugs off some forearms. A powerslam plants Dinsmore and there’s the spinebuster for good measure. Some kicks to the back of Dinsmore’s head have him in trouble and we hit the chinlock. Back up and Leviathan misses a Brogue Kick, setting up a missile dropkick from Dinsmore. Leviathan shrugs it off and nails a clothesline, setting up a ProtoBomb for the pin.

Rating: D+. Not much to see here but it was clear that Leviathan was going to be a big deal with some more ring time. There’s only so much you can do with a guy that strong when you’re a technical guy like Dinsmore but at least he was trying. The fans really didn’t seem to care here though.

We’ll jump ahead to Heat on July 20, 2003.

Tommy Dreamer vs. Nick Dinsmore

Dinsmore, now with a beard, kicks Dreamer into the corner but gets slammed down. Nick bails to the floor and pulls Dreamer down to wrap the arm around the post. Back in and Dinsmore stays on the arm like a smart wrestler would but dives into a raised boot like an idiot. Tommy makes a quick comeback with some backdrops and a neckbreaker followed by a Sky High for two. A quick Death Valley Driver is enough to pin Dinsmore.

Dinsmore would become Eric Bischoff’s mentally challenged nephew Eugene in 2004. Eugene mentioned that HHH was his favorite wrestler so HHH decided to use him as a lackey. He set Eugene up in a tag match with Evolution member Ric Flair at Vengeance 2004.

Raw Tag Titles: La Resistance vs. Eugene/Ric Flair

Take a guess as to who the champions are here. On a random note, Lillian in Go-Go Boots is AWESOME. Flair’s music cuts off the French national anthem to a huge cheer. The look on Flair’s face when he looks at Eugene is hilarious. Eugene and Conway start us off and the Kentucky guy struts. These two were a team in OVW called the Lords of the Ring who won like 10 tag titles there. He starts using a bunch of Flair moves resulting in the required freak out from Flair.

Flair hasn’t even been in yet. Flair finally comes in and Grenier is in trouble. He’s one of those guys that never actually did anything but had a job because he fit into a tag team. Flair for the most part probably used more basic stuff than anyone ever while making it work. I mean really, how many complex moves can you think of Flair using? He does really basic stuff but he does it so efficiently that he makes himself look great while at the same time making others look great. That’s a very rare quality.

The figure four goes on but Conway makes the save. Flair is RIDICULOUSLY popular here. For some reason this is getting some time. It says a lot when a guy like Flair, a member of the top heel stable, is getting cheered this much. There’s a massive row of signs that spell out WOO in the crowd. There are a lot more o’s in there though which I’d guess you figured out.

Why is it that you never see guys use the front facelock in singles matches but you see it all the time in tags? Without a tag, Flair gets hit by Au Revoir (the champions’ finisher) but Eugene Eugenes Up and beats the heck out of them. And then he knocks the referee down for the CHEAP DQ. Eugene hits a Stunner and Rock Bottom on them after the match.

Rating: C. I don’t think anyone was really expecting much here or a title change and that’s about what they got. This was by no means bad but it’s nothing great at all. Flair and Eugene were part of a far more important angle that would culminate with HHH beating up a slow man on PPV. Still though, not awful at all but nothing special either.

Eugene then cost HHH a title match, setting up a showdown at Summerslam 2004.

HHH vs. Eugene

They slug it out to start and HHH stomps him into the corner. Eugene comes back with an elbow to the face and a backdrop, sending HHH rolling to the floor. An ax handle off the apron puts HHH down and the booing begins. As in people are booing Eugene. This sounds like a good time for a sidebar.

For those of you that weren’t around in 2004, Eugene was easily the most over guy on the roster for a few weeks. I mean his music would play and the crowd would just explode, no matter what city they were in. Even I was a big fan of the guy. He was such a fun and innocent character that it was almost impossible to not like him. It was so goofy to see him doing Stunners and Rock Bottoms and stuff Junk Yard Dog did back in the day because it was like watching a five year old wrestle. Then one night he was shown in a gym beating William Regal in a chain wrestling contest, making him even more popular.

In other words, the Eugene character was a full on success. This is where WWE screwed everything up. Instead of just letting Eugene be what he was and make occasional appearances to pop the crowd (or open house show matches beating some annoying heel), they pushed it too far. The minute they put him in a story about the world title with main event level guys, it was all over.

At the end of the day, that’s just not what the people wanted Eugene to be. They wanted it to be fun and silly so they could have a good time with it, but WWE tried to make it serious, completely killing the joke. As soon as you tell fans that Eugene’s character has a problem, you’re no longer laughing at a guy who does goofy things but rather you’re laughing at a slow guy, which no one wants to do.

This lead to the fans not wanting to watch Eugene anymore, because he really was just a guy doing a bunch of random wrestling moves and had no business being at this level (Note that Nick Dinsmore, the guy that portrayed Eugene is a very talented wrestler. His character was what didn’t belong here, not Dinsmore himself. BIG difference). When you try to force the fans to like something in a way they don’t want to, it’s going to blow up in a hurry. The lesson to be learned: don’t make the audience go somewhere they don’t want to go, because at the end of the day they make the decisions, not the company.

So anyway HHH hides behind Lillian to get the advantage and rams Eugene into the barricade before heading back inside for some stomping. He loads up the announce table but Eugene suplexes him back in to block. Eugene pounds away back inside but HHH sends him to the floor. Back in and HHH hits some backbreakers after suckering Eugene in after faking an injury. Eugene comes back so HHH begs off again, only to be pulled into a Rock Bottom and a People’s Elbow, with the latter being pulled into a spinebuster from HHH.

They head outside again with HHH sending him into the steps, busting Eugene’s shoulder open. Back inside and HHH continues toying with him before hooking a sleeper. Eugene shakes his finger at two arm drops before powering up and pounding away. He Hulks Up, catches the boot and does the Austin version of the finger in the face before hitting a Stunner. Back to the floor (again?) and here’s Flair.

Eugene hits the big boot and legdrop for two but has to deck Flair. A Pedigree is countered into a catapult and Eugene hits one of his own but it’s Flair making the save. Flair trips Eugene and gets ejected, drawing out Regal to knock Flair out cold. The distraction lets HHH hit the Pedigree for the pin on Eugene.

Rating: D-. Let’s recap: it took fourteen minutes and help from Flair for HHH to beat a slow guy. On the other hand, we had to sit through fourteen minutes of HHH vs. a slow guy and HHH had to sell most of the offense. AT SUMMERSLAM! This was the death of the Eugene character, even though he would win the tag titles with Regal soon after this. Somehow he went on THREE MORE YEARS, which is remarkable after how stupid this match was.

Here’s a rematch on Raw, August 30, 2004.

HHH vs. Eugene

No DQ. Eugene comes out in a poorly buttoned San Francisco Giants jersey to suck up to the crowd. You would think he would get how serious this was after HHH beat him up at Summerslam. HHH jumps him again here but Eugene comes back with headlocks and something resembling an AA. Back up and Eugene gets two off a backslide before heading right back to the headlock. HHH comes back with a stiff right hand and a low blow to take over.

Eugene is thrown over the top rope, injuring his arm in the process. HHH of course pounds away on the injured slow guy because he can be a good heel when he tries. No sarcasm in that if you’re looking for any. Back in and Eugene walks into a spinebuster followed by the knee drop so HHH can strut around a bit more. Eugene gets rammed into the buckles but it’s Hulk Up time. He slugs HHH down and hits a top rope ax handle for two followed by an old school thumb to the eye.

A Rock Bottom looks to set up a Stunner but HHH grabs a sleeper. HHH: “ROCK A BYE BABY EUGENE!” Eugene is almost out but HHH lets go before the third arm drop. It didn’t work for Adrian Adonis back in 87 but at least HHH follows up with a Pedigree. HHH lets him up again and pulls out the hammer, only to have Orton (in wrestling gear after wearing a suit earlier for no apparent reason) to take the hammer away. A shot to the ribs and an RKO put HHH down and Orton puts Eugene on top for what is supposed to be some huge moment.

Rating: D+. Well that happened. Anyone who has watched wrestling for more than five minutes in their lives knew that Orton was going to cost HHH the match, but it’s not like this really means anything. It doesn’t help when Eugene didn’t move for the last five minutes of the show after a sleeper and a Pedigree.

Eugene would plumet down the card after this before winning the Tag Team Titles with William Regal. Here they are defending at New Year’s Revolution 2005.

Raw Tag Titles: Eugene/William Regal vs. Christian/Tyson Tomko

Regal and Eugene are past their peak of intrigue but at least it’s about to end. However it’s because Eugene destroys his knee in this and is out for about 6 months because of it. For once the Spanish announce team serves a perfect function. I have no idea what I mean by that either. Christian is completely lacking credibility at this point but he’ll be heading to TNA later in the year.

Eugene is wearing a Hogan shirt for no apparent reason. It’s a comedy match in case you didn’t get it. This is where the Eugene character needed to go away. Good night Christian deserves better than this. And Eugene hits the floor and slaps hands with the fans for no apparent reason. He follows this up to dive under the ring. I already hate this match. We get an airplane spin as I would love to hear Gorilla and Jesse argue over Eugene.

The intellectually challenged one Hulks Up and tags Regal in. Well at least he’s willing to let someone else in for the glory part. Oh man Christian gets a shot in on the nose and Regal is bleeding badly. Christian pulls Eugene off the apron and Regal gets there for a tag but there’s no partner. Can I get some Wah Wah Wah music? This is running way too long at this point.

Eugene gets a big old pop for the hot tag. He cleans house but lands badly on his knee, ripping it to pieces and putting him on the shelf for six months. He’s more or less dead weight now and I don’t think the others know it yet. To his credit though he hobbles up and gets a bad rollup on Tomko whose shoulder was up but to be fair he did what he could. He gets taken out on a stretcher.

Rating: B-. It was a formula tag match but the ending changes the whole thing. It’s fairly clear that the champions retained here, but I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and say B-. It wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t great either. Eugene gets bonus points for finishing the match though so there we are.

Eugene would come back after several months off and appear at Taboo Tuesday 2005.

Rob Conway/Tyson Tomko vs. Eugene/Jimmy Snuka

Conway was a cocky guy with a legend hating gimmick which was dumb since Orton had just gotten done doing that. So is the mentally slow guy supposed to carry this team? Snuka looks out of shape here, nearly three and a half years before he was at Mania last year. Eugene and Tomko start us off and we’re already into the comedy portion as Eugene does the one hand up one hand down routine for the Test of Strength.

Conway wears his sunglasses during the match. Ok then. Eugene and Conway were more or less the most dominant tag team in the history of OVW, winning like 9 tag titles. Jimmy is going to be on the outside for the most part here due to a high level of old. There’s the hot tag to him anyway and Snuka just looks confused. Then again he looked that way in his prime.

The faces play ping pong with Conway using headbutts. Eugene hits a Rock Bottom and the splash ends it after about 15 seconds of setting up. Tomko gets back from writing his novel or whatever he spent the last few minutes doing and Kamala and Duggan make the save. At least they kept it short.

Rating: D. This was a bad match but what did you expect? We knew Snuka would win with the splash but seriously, was Tomko the best they had available as a partner? He had nothing to do with this feud or angle or anything like that. This was a glorified handicap match that just wasn’t interesting at all. Like I said though, at least it was short.

Time for another goofy Raw match on August 21, 2006.

Eugene/Jim Duggan/Highlanders vs. Spirit Squad

This would be the Squad minus Mitch. Eugene and I think Johnny start things off. Mitch is the one on the floor. Got it. Johnny kicks Eugene in the ribs in a battle of OVW legends. There’s an airplane spin from Eugene and here’s Robbie. The Spirit Squad are using a Freebird Rule on steroids to be five man tag team champions. Off to Kenny, the leader of the team who gets two off a clothesline.

Mikey in now with some crossface shots. Mitch and Nick (Dolph Ziggler) cheer Mikey on, meaning they’re playing the gimmick perfectly. Robbie fights off everyone in the corner for a few seconds but there are too many cheerleaders. The fans want Hacksaw. Here’s Nicky and he represents Exhibit A as to never say never about someone. Back to Kenny, the star of the team and the guy that hasn’t been seen in years.

This match is probably getting more time than it needs, especially when we’re waiting on Hacksaw to get the hot tag and destroy everything in sight. Kenny misses his nearly perfect guillotine legdrop and there’s the tag to Rory, meaning the fans don’t care all that much. He hits what we would call the Irish Curse and everything breaks down. Duggan gets a big reaction. The Highlanders get Nick alone and hit the Scot Drop (double team reverse slingshot suplex) for the pin.

Rating: D+. The time hurt it here and Duggan not being in officially killed the crowd. The Highlanders were funny for a little while (and by that I mean for their vignettes) and then they became any other tag team. They never won the titles and then Robbie showed up at Impact in the crowd and got a huge fine or something like that.

Off to SNME XXXIV for more comedy.

Kane/Doink/Eugene vs. Viscera/Kevin Thorn/Umaga

They deserve the ratings they get for this nonsense. The clown and the vampire start us off. Please just make this quick, that’s all I ask. They actually gave this 11 minutes. ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??? Eugene gets the tar beaten out of him until Kane gets the big tag. Umaga destroys him and then Kane destroys the very fat man for the win. Somehow that was 11 minutes that I’ll never get back. Just get us out of here please.

Rating: F-. This was on in 2007. Let that sink in for a minute.

Eugene would leave WWE but came back for a shot at a contract on Raw, August 10, 2009.

Calgary Kid vs. Eugene

This is a contract on a pole match and Calgary Kid is a masked man who is clearly the fired Miz under a mask. The Kid tries to surprise Eugene but eats a Rock Bottom for his efforts. There’s a People’s Elbow but Kid breaks up a contract attempt. He shoves Eugene down and wins with ease before unmasking.

It was off to the indys at this point as Eugene became U-Gene, which somehow hasn’t gotten him sued yet. Here he is at JCW Bloodymania VI.

U-Gene vs. Zach Gowen

Eugene takes the only leg out but Gowen can fight well on the mat and escapes. Eugene keeps asking for a test of strength but Gowen will have none of that. Back to the mat but Gowen kicks him to the floor. Eugene is slow remember so this is a battle of the handicaps. Back in and Gowen gets down in a crouch which freaks Eugene out. Gowen is very quick on the mat so Eugene gets on top of him. A dropkick puts Eugene on the floor and he’s getting very frustrated. He seems to be the heel here.

Back in and Gowen is slammed into the mat for two and it’s off to a chinlock. Eugene uses the classic invisible foreign object to pound away. The commentators debate what country the object is from and continue to get on my nerves. Eugene puts on a half crab, which may be a full crab in Gowen’s case, followed by a giant swing. Eugene loads up what looks like a Samoan Drop off the middle rope but Gowen escapes into a powerbomb for no cover.

A Blockbuster gets two for Gowen but Eugene comes back with an airplane spin. Given that it’s an airplane spin, we get the required ref bump as Gowen is being spun around. Gowen takes Eugene down and this a moonsault but there’s no ref. As Zach wakes the referee up, Eugene blasts Gowen with the foreign object for the pin.

Rating: C. Not bad here as it’s amazing what you do when you get seasons pros in the ring. Eugene was always talented and he could make the gimmick work well as he tweaked it enough to make it different at different times. When you take Gowen out of the main event scene of WWE PPVs, he’s a lot less annoying. Decent match here which is probably going to be the high point.

We’ll wrap it up in India at the first episode of Ring Ka King TV.

Ring Ka King Heavyweight Title Tournament: Dr. Nicholas Dinsmore vs. Mahabali Veera

We’re about 25 minutes into the show not counting commercials and here’s the first match. And no I’m not holding that against them as it’s the debut episode. Dinsmore is basically the heel by default here. He cheats a top wristlock by pulling the hair to bring him down. Dinsmore sends him to the floor but Veera gets a sunset flip for two. Veera has a good look to him and moves well for a bigger (as in taller) guy. The referee is in a green shirt. Off to a chinlock by Dinsmore but Veera hits a spinebuster (called the Veera Bomb) for the pin at 2:59. Short but fine.

Nick Dinsmore is the undisputed king of OVW with ten OVW Titles (second most is four) and a record eleven OVW Tag Team Titles. He didn’t do badly on the main roster but the Eugene gimmick just killed him. There’s only so far you can go with that character and Dinsmore hit it about two years before it was retired. He’s a very talented guy but the character crippled him. Still though, check out his OVW stuff if you can find it and would like to see a completely different side of him.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book of 1997 WCW Monday Nitro Reviews at Amazon for just $3.99 at:

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Speaking of people from Seattle named after a basic tool, I give you Greg “The Hammer” Valentine.

Valentine is the son of wrestler Johnny Valentine and wrestled in the indies for most of the 1970s. After a nice run with Ric Flair before Flair started going after the World Title, Valentine would head to the WWF in 1979. One of his biggest feuds was with Chief Jay Strongbow, whose leg Valentine broke early in the year. Here’s a rematch from Philadelphia on July 21, 1979.

Greg Valentine vs. Chief Jay Strongbow

Valentine jumps Jay as he gets in the ring but Strongbow is quickly on the warpath and taking over. A bunch of chops get two on Valentine and some shots with a foreign object bust him open. Strongbow goes outside and chokes with a camera cord before hitting him in the head with a stool. Somehow this isn’t a DQ and Valentine is able to get to the floor for a breather. Back in and Greg goes after the leg but has to stop another warpath. The third warpath is knocked to the floor but Valentine is pulled to the floor.

An editing move sends us to a crowd shot during the beatdown before they both head back inside. Some knees to the face put Valentine down and Jay pulls him back inside when Greg tries to escape. He finally makes it to the floor before heading right back into the ring where Jay shrugs off some right hands. They ram heads with both guys rolling to the floor. Only Valentine slides back in for a countout win.

Rating: D. It was a good attempt at revenge by Strongbow but the match felt all over the place. The leg work by Greg made sense but they felt like they were trying about four different finishes before the really fast countout. It’s not the worst match in the world but this needed a better structure.

Valentine was a big deal in the company and would get a WWF Title shot on October 19, 1981 in MSG.

Bob Backlund vs. Greg Valentine

The Grand Wizard has yet another new client in Greg Valentine. Backlund has Arnold Skaaland with him, who has managed both Sammartino as well as the current champion. This is a regular one on one match rather than the death matches we’ve been looking at. It’s a feeling out process to start with Valentine hooking a quick armdrag for not much effect. A slam puts Backlund down again and Bob isn’t sure what to do. Backlund comes back with an armdrag and hip toss of his own to stagger Valentine and Greg wants a breather.

Greg comes back with some right hands to the ribs in the corner but it results in a standoff instead of an advantage. A quick shoulder to the ribs of Valentine staggers him a bit so they try a test of strength. Valentine fires off some shots to the ribs to take over before going to work on the champion’s knee. There’s a half crab from Valentine and Backlund is in some trouble. Backlund fights up and escapes the hold via a monkey flip but Greg gets in a shot to the back of the head to take over again.

The challenger goes back to the leg by cranking on the ankle before shifting over to the ribs via an abdominal stretch. Bob reverses into one of his own but Valentine goes back to the knee to take control once again. Valentine cranks on a leg lock before dropping some elbows on the bad leg. A spinning toe hold works on the leg even more but Bob kicks him away. They trade forearms to the face but both guys collapse down to the mat.

Backlund is up first but a slam attempt fails, giving Valentine a two count. Greg hits him in the knee again but still can’t put on the Figure Four Leg Lock. Instead Valentine kicks him to the floor before pounding away at Backlund on the ring apron. Back in again and Bob is getting fired up as the blows from Greg are having less effect each time. The champion starts hammering away on Valentine’s leg now, wrapping it up in the ropes and kicking at the inner thigh.

Bob knocks him down again but can only get two. A suplex gets the same for Valentine but Backlund comes back with one of his own for a delayed two count. A cross body gets two for the champion but Valentine chokes him down with the ring rope. Greg goes for the leg again and hooks the Figure Four but it’s not on that well. Backlund is easily able to roll into the ropes to break the hold but some damage has been done. Bob comes back with a piledriver out of nowhere and Valentine is in trouble.

Greg gets into the ropes to avoid being covered before going back to the knee. Backlund fights out of another Figure Four attempt but can’t avoid the shots to the knee in the corner. A middle rope elbow drop misses Backlund though and the champion has an opening. They trade headbutts from their knees before Backlund hooks a belly to back suplex to put both guys down again. Valentine gets back up and puts Backlund in an airplane spin during which the referee is accidentally kicked in the head by the champion. Greg is dizzy from spinning Backlund around though and Bob falls on top of him for the pin to retain the title.

Rating: B. This was another good match as Backlund is starting to find his rhythm as champion a mere four years into his title reign. The idea here of Valentine trying to get the Figure Four time after time but never being able to hook it properly was a good story throughout the match but the fact that it didn’t play into the finish hurt things a bit. The finish however is the most important part of the match for reasons yet to be explained.

After the match is over, the confused referee hands Valentine the championship due to being confused by the kick to the head. There was no question about who was pinned but Greg leaves with the title anyway. An official announcement is made that the title is being held up and there is no champion. Valentine wasn’t the official champion and Backlund would be recognized as the champion in cities other than New York. This was an old tactic to build interest in a rematch in this city only, meaning that this doesn’t interrupt Backlund’s title reign. Bob would win a rematch in a little over a month.

We’ll jump ahead a bit to probably the most famous match of Valentine’s career. Greg is back in the NWA and the US Champion. He’s recently busted Roddy Piper’s ear and is facing him in the second biggest match at the first Starrcade in 1983.

Roddy Piper vs. Greg Valentine

Greg is US Champion but this is non-title because it’s a dog collar match. The idea is they both have collars around their neck and there’s a chain attaching the two collars, meaning neither guy can run away. Anything goes and you can win by pinfall. This match came about because Valentine injured Piper’s ear in the match where he won the title. They immediately start by pulling on the chain with their necks in a painful looking tug of war. Neither guy can get an advantage so they both start pulling on the chain to get closer to each other.

Piper gets in the first shot with the chain and Valentine is mad. They back up again but Valentine misses some swings and Piper gets back to the corner. Both guys come to the center of the ring for a slugout but no one can take over. Roddy gets in some shots with the chain and Valentine is in trouble. Greg goes for the bad ear and start choking away with the chain but also wrapping the chain around Piper’s face for extra torture.

Piper comes back with some shots to the eyes of his own before choking away in the middle of the ring. Valentine is sent into the corner and Piper keeps pounding away on the head. Piper takes it to the floor for some HARD shots with the chain as they head into the barricade. Greg gets in some shots to the bad ear and Piper is bleeding from the side of his head.

Back in and Valentine pounds away but Piper blocks a suplex. A hard elbow gets two for Valentine but Piper is in big trouble. Greg tries to hit the ropes but Piper pulls the chain to bring him down. Piper goes NUTS on Valentine and pounds away on him, busting the champion open in the process. Valentine goes right back to the ear but Piper comes back with some straight left hands to the jaw. A BIG right hand drops Valentine but Greg goes after the ear again to take over. Greg gets two off a knee drop as both guys are tiring.

A chain shot to Piper’s ear gets two but Roddy comes back with a suplex to put both guys down. Greg grabs a quick sleeper but Piper’s arm only drops once. Roddy wraps the chain around his hand but the hold slows him down again. A jawbreaker gets Piper out of the hold but it’s Valentine going up first. Roddy pulls him off the ropes and beats the tar out of him with the chain before tying the legs up to pin Valentine. Solie says that was for the title but corrects himself a few seconds later.

Rating: B+. This is a very hard hitting brawl but it can be a bit slow at times. This is the match that made people realize how insane Piper could be as he went out there and took an insane beating before coming back time after time and trying to hurt Valentine. He would jump to the WWF soon after and become the top villain in the world, which is what he deserved to be.

It was soon back to the WWF and Valentine was near the top again, including a World Title shot at Brawl to End It All.

WWF Title: Hulk Hogan vs. Greg Valentine

Valentine was a much bigger deal back in this era, even “being awarded” the WWF Title once in a big mess that was a pretty decent story. Anyway let’s get to this. We get promos from both guys. Valentine says Hogan is going to feel his wrath. There’s a reason he rarely talked. Albano is his manager. This guy was BUSY back then.

Hogan had only been champion about 6 months at this point so his title reign wasn’t really huge yet. Eye of the Tiger for his music at this point along with the white tights. Sweet GOODNESS Hogan is over. The song fits perfectly here, almost better than Real American. What was up with the five bell strikes after everything Fink said? Hammer jumps Hogan and we’re on.

Oh come on it’s 1984 like that’s going to work at all. This is Hogan back when he was in his 20s so he’s moving incredibly well. Scratch that actually as he’s 31 here. It’s so weird to think that his big break didn’t come until he was that old. It just comes off as strange in today’s era of people being world champion by their mid 20s.

Valentine reverses a headlock into a suplex to take some control. Hogan takes back over a bit later with just pure power. He even throws in a shoulderbreaker to mess with our heads a bit. We hit the floor and it’s all Hogan. Valentine jumps him as he gets back in and Gene says it’s because Valentine is a capitalist. Ok then.

A chinlock has our hero in trouble. Hogan does the always funny finger shake of no before the comeback. He throws some left hands which are weird to see from him. Valentine gets some chair shots to the knee and the referee is ok with it I guess. Figure four is blocked twice so Valentine just punches him. Rather than Hulking Up Hogan just hits Valentine as he’s coming off the top and drops the leg to retain. It was a different time I guess.

Rating: C+. Nothing that special here as it’s really just a standard Hogan title defense. It’s not bad or anything but it’s just Hogan out there doing his thing and not really looking like he’s in that much trouble. Still though he was moving very well out there and had the place rocking so I’ll give him something for that. Decent match and fine for a basic title defense.

Time for Greg’s most famous feud against Tito Santana. Greg would challenge Tito for the Intercontinental Title in MSG on October 22, 1984.

Intercontinental Title: Greg Valentine vs. Tito Santana

This should be good. Since when did Valentine have Lou Albano with him? Valentine took the title from Santana and injured Tito’s knee, putting him out of action, making tonight about revenge. Santana goes right after Valentine from the opening bell and knocks the belt out of Greg’s hands. Valentine goes face first into the mat as it’s all Tito so far. The fans are finally awake for this

Greg comes back with right hands but Tito wins the slugout and sends the champion to the floor. Tito is fine with beating up Valentine on the floor and brings him back inside to ram the champ’s head into the mat. Valentine finally gets a breather after raking the eyes and a knee sends Tito to the floor. Albano gets in a cheap shot of his own but Tito pulls Valentine to the floor to keep up the brawl. Valentine grabs a chair and THROWS IT at Tito but only hits the apron. They head back inside with the chair and Tito cracks Valentine in the head, busting him open. Somehow that isn’t a DQ but Tito throws the referee down for the bell.

Rating: C+. This was short but VERY intense throughout. Tito knew how to work a crowd into a frenzy and the New York crowds ate him up with a spoon. This was one of those feuds that was going to work no matter what they did and this was no exception. Also it woke the crowd up which was what this show needed more than anything.

Greg would get the title a month later and defend it at Wrestlemania I.

Intercontinental Title: Junkyard Dog vs. Greg Valentine

Dog cranks on the arm to start and punches him in the shoulder ala Marciano. A punch to the face takes Valentine down and a headbutt sends the champion (Greg in case you’re not familiar with this era) to the floor. Valentine tries his luck at the arm now and pounds away with some forearms to the back of the head. I’m not sure if that should hurt the Dog or not.

The champion goes after the leg now with what looks to be the start of a half crab but he never turns Dog over. A kind of DDT on the leg has the Dog in trouble again and there’s a headbutt between the legs. Dog breaks up the Figure Four and hits a headbutt to stagger the champ some more. Jimmy Hart tries to interfere but Dog causes Valentine to blast him in the head instead. Valentine grabs a fast rollup and puts his feet on the ropes for the pin.

Rating: D+. I’m getting tired of using that rating but this is what the matches keep coming out as: not terrible but nothing good at all. Valentine would get back to his current feud with Tito Santana very soon with the title changing hands pretty soon if I remember properly. Dog was there as more of a fun character than a serious threat so this was fine.

Speaking of Santana, here he is to tell the referee what happened. The referee restarts the match but Valentine walks out for the countout without ever getting back in. That’s just building Santana vs. Valentine for later.

And here is one of those laters, from July 6, 1985 in Baltimore.

Intercontinental Title: Greg Valentine vs. Tito Santana

In Baltimore here and in a cage. Tito drags him into the cage and it’s on. No commentary again with Gorilla doing the voiceover. Valentine goes for the door early but Tito makes the save. This should be good either way. Both try to get out and can’t do it as the other grabs his foot. Valentine keeps trying to run which makes sense. I’m not entirely sure if I get why Tito keeps trying to run as this is supposed to be his big revenge match. I guess getting the title back is enough revenge for him.

Shoulder breaker by Valentine but you would think he would go after the leg but whatever. Escape only here if I didn’t mention that. I like the old school thoughts on cage matches like that too as pins in a cage match are kind of stupid when you think about it. Tito blocks the Figure Four as the violence is a bit low here. Gorilla points out that the figure four is a bit stupid as you can’t win by submission which makes sense to a degree I guess.

Flying forearm by Tito takes Greg down. Tito goes into the cage as this is very much back and forth. Very slow paced match but they’re hammering away in there and it’s working well I think. It’s very weird to see the match presented like this as the ring is only kind of microphoned here so you don’t here the ring make any noise at all.

This is more about the cage itself as this is back in the day when a gimmick match still meant something and wasn’t more or less something you throw in as a free prize in a cereal box. Tito gets a leg over the top but still can’t get out. Make that both legs out as Valentine is going for the door which Tito kicks on his head to get out and get the title back.

Rating: B-. This was more about the aura of the cage rather than the guys in there. Tito gets the title back and gets his revenge by beating on Valentine very well. This wasn’t a classic or anything but it was definitely a good conclusion to their feud which was always good. This worked.

Valentine would soon move into a tag team along with Brutus Beefcake. After winning the Tag Team Titles from the US Express, they would lose them to the British Bulldogs at Wrestlemania II. This led to some singles matches between the teams, including this on April 22, 1986.

Davey Boy Smith vs. Greg Valentine

This is about a month after Mania. Valentine gets a quick rollup for two. We’re talking about Clint Eastwood for no apparent reason. After a quick bit on the floor Hammer takes over in the corner. Davey just shoves him to the mat for two. Armbar for Davey and Valentine is in some trouble. And never mind as Valentine reverses and gets caught by a dropkick to send him down again. Never mind the never mind.

Sharpshooter (obviously not called that) by Smith as this has been completely one sided so far. Valentine is able to make the rope so we get some stretching as Davey uses his arms and legs to spread Valentine’s legs open as wide as he can. Better positioning I guess. Valentine hits the apron to run but gets suplexed back in for two. Valentine finally gets a shot in and we clip to him being in solid control.

Elbow drop gets two and we go to a chinlock now. Davey fights back with some shoulders in the corner and the powerslam for two. Wow that move was kicked out of a lot. We head to the floor where Hammer runs but slides in and catches Davey as he comes back in. So simple yet so effective. Figure Four goes on but there’s the rope so that didn’t last long. Another attempt is sent into the corner but Valentine climbs the ropes and comes off with a forearm to get the surprising pin. That was out of nowhere.

Rating: C-. Eh just ok here. Not a bad match or anything but the ending really surprised me. They did their thing out there and it worked well enough. Valentine winning was very surprising and I’m not sure why this was included. Also a weird ending with Valentine just hitting him in the head and winning it. Not bad though.

Here’s a quick match from Superstars on February 21, 1987.

Dream Team vs. Paul Roma/Frankie Rose

So we have Greg Valentine and Brutus Beefcake vs. a jobber and a future Horsemen. Dino Bravo is with the heels here and still has dark hair. That’s just odd to see. The Rougeaus are ready for their match at Mania. Is this an upgrade over the Lombardi feud for Roma? They talk about the midget match. In other words, they’re still not talking about the match that’s going on. Rose taps to the figure four.

Rating: C. It was short but it worked fine I guess. It was kind of long so it qualifies for a grade. Nothing great here but that’s fine for a show like this. There really isn’t much else to say about something like this, but it’s always strange to see someone like Roma who would one day become a st…..a sta……I can’t say it.

Greg would be in the WWF World Title tournament at Wrestlemania IV.

WWF World Title Tournament First Round: Greg Valentine vs. Ricky Steamboat

Should be good. Steamboat brings the future Richie Steamboat to the ring with him in matching outfits. Feeling out process to start with Steamboat taking him down via an armdrag. Gorilla says Ricky has excellence of execution to coin a phrase. A few shoulders get two on Valentine so he throws Steamboat over the top. That of course doesn’t work on the Dragon so he comes back with a dropkick and a crucifix for two.

Valentine comes back with his usual elbows and forearms to put Steamboat down. He pulls Steamboat off the ropes so Ricky drops onto the back of his head. This allows Gorilla to bust out the term “external occipital protuberance”, to which Jesse replies “THE WHAT?” The voice Ventura says that in is hilarious. Apparently it’s that little bump on the back of your head. Steamboat reverses a suplex into one of his own and hooks an armbar. Jimmy Hart goes a rant of instructions to the Hammer which is such a lost art in wrestling.

Steamboat gets dropped on the back of his head, allowing for another discussion of whatever that thing is called. Gorilla: “External occipital protuberance.” Jesse: “Oh ok. Back of the head for all you normal people back there.” Valentine pounds away with elbows as Gorilla says they’re “right in the kisser, right between the eyes.” His biology knowledge is all over the place. Donald Trump is in the front row. Steamboat comes back with some chops for two but Greg puts him right back down with a gutbuster.

Valentine goes after the leg but the Figure Four is broken up. They chop it out with Steamboat taking over, only to charge into a boot in the corner. Valentine hits a top rope forearm but still can’t put the Figure Four on. Steamboat hits an elbow to the face and a top rope chop for two. He rams Valentine into the corner ten times and shoves the referee away when he tries to break it up. Ricky goes up and hits the cross body but Valentine rolls through to eliminate Steamboat.

Rating: C+. Like I said, decent stuff here although Steamboat would be gone pretty much immediately over wanting to take some time off. Vince said no so Ricky left wrestling for about nine months. Anyway, good stuff here from two guys that know how to work whatever kind of a match you ask them to. Valentine was great in a role like this where he wasn’t going to win anything but he could fill in a spot and do just fine.

We’ll jump ahead a bit to a random tag match from June 27, 1989.

The Rockers vs. Dino Bravo/Greg Valentine

Bravo and Valentine used to be the New Dream Team if you’re unfamiliar and I’m stunned that they’re still around at this point. They’ve been new for about two years at this point so I wonder if they’re old yet. This is at a Superstars taping in some unspecified city. Bravo vs. Jannetty to start us off here. The announcers try to imply that Valentine is a power guy which is a bit odd but kind of true at the same time.

A lot of dropkicks clear out the ring and the heels hug. That must have been a Jimmy Hart thing for some reason. Off to Valentine and Shawn now as it appears to be Shawn that is selling like a madman this time. The Rockers work over Valentine’s right arm which is very different to see. They’re wrestling like heels here but with face personalities if that makes sense.

Heel double teaming (by the actual heels that is) takes over and Marty is playing Marty. Bravo spits on Shawn for some more double teaming to take place. Off to Valentine and the back work continues. In a nice spot Marty nips up and runs into Valentine’s shoulder block to send him right back down again.

Totally classic heat segment with Marty tagging Shawn but the referee doesn’t see it. I love that spot. Bravo misses an elbow and it’s time for the tag off to Shawn. Where have I seen this before? Marty gets a sweet springboard off the bottom rope to launch himself past Bravo to make the tag. I’ve never seen that before.

Shawn cleans some house until we get a double dropkick to Bravo followed by the double flying punch. Why mess with something as simple as a punch to the head I suppose? Why has no one else ever used a move like that? Another near fall for both teams sets up an O’Connor Roll by Jannetty. Shawn comes in to stop Valentine but the referee stops Shawn, allowing Valentine to blast Jannetty and put Bravo on top for the upset win. Wow indeed.

Rating: C-. This got a lot of time at about 12 minutes. It’s not horrible or anything but it’s got nothing on the previous match which was almost exactly the same formula with a slightly different ending. Not a terrible match really but the ending is really weird as why in the world would you have these two go over the Rockers? Bravo and Valentine sound like tag team jobbers, not a team getting a relatively clean pin.

In the words of Saliva, “Hold tight cause the show is not over!” Here’s referee Ronnie Garvin (I wish the show had been over) to tell Hebner what happened and despite not doing anything that the referee saw, the Rockers win by….well apparently by decision. Keep in mind that neither Rocker pinned either other guy. Oh well I guess.

Valentine and Garvin would feud for awhile and have their blowoff match at Royal Rumble 1990.

Greg Valentine vs. Ronnie Garvin

This is a submission match as they both use submissions for a finisher. See? Not that complicated. Now the interesting thing here is that both guys have shin guards (Garvin even has his named: the Hammer Jammer) which blocks the pain of a Figure Four. They slug it out to start with Valentine being rammed into the buckles repeatedly. Greg comes back with chops and they slug it out in the middle of the ring.

It turns into a boxing match until Valentine goes after the leg. That gets him a thumb in the eye and they slug it out some more with both guys going down via a Garvin headbutt. Ronnie tries a sunset flip for reasons of stupidity and Valentine tries a cover of his own. Both guys go down again as this match is already running too long. Garvin rolls him up again to REALLY make it clear that it’s a submission match. See, wrestling fans are stupid and can’t understand the basic explanation of the rules.

Valentine adjusts his own shin guard (the Heartbreaker) and puts Garvin in the Figure Four. Ronnie’s guard blocks the pain, so Garvin makes funny faces at Valentine. Since that doesn’t work, Valentine puts on an over the shoulder backbreaker, much to Jesse’s delight (his old hold). Garvin pounds away in the corner and puts on an Indian Deathlock which has an effect on Greg but Valentine finally makes a rope.

They slug it out for the fifth time, although this one is at least on the floor. Valentine backdrops out of a piledriver on the concrete and we head back inside. Garvin misses a dropkick in the corner and gets caught in the Tree of Woe. That goes nowhere so they collide again and both guys go down. Hart steals Garvin’s shin guard and there’s the Figure Four. After a rope is grabbed, Garvin can’t even stand up.

Valentine goes up and Garvin slams him down from one leg. He takes off Valentine’s shin guard and tries a rollup because Ronnie is STUPID. Valentine gets tied up in the ropes so Garvin beats up Hart for fun. A shin guard shot to the head knocks out Valentine and the Sharpshooter (called a reverse Figure Four) makes Valentine give up.

Rating: C+. Not a bad match here and it was even good at times, but MAN it was long, running nearly seventeen minutes. On top of that, the stupid pin thing went WAY too long into the match. This is probably the best Garvin match I’ve ever seen, but that doesn’t really mean much as he absolutely sucks most of the time.

Greg would really start falling down the ranks soon after this and wind up opening house shows, like this one at MSG on December 29, 1991.

Hercules vs. Greg Valentine

Yep it’s clipped as two matches are cut off here. Actually based on what I’ve seen later that’s not the case as everything is here but the show is edited from an order perspective. This was originally the third match on the card. Heenan says this is going to be a heck of a match. Hercules is on the very brink of leaving and Valentine is a face for no apparent reason. He had a face push around this time and it BOMBED to the shock of no one.

And now let’s talk about the Rumble because that’s about as interesting as it’s going to get as far as this match goes. With Hammer taking over, we hear something I have never heard before: Hogan and Taker get to draw from #21-#30 in the Rumble. What the heck? I know they had the title before but how have I never heard of that before? This match is really rather boring indeed.

Hercules has a little gut there and gets a low blow to take over. What does he think this is, the late 90s? We talk about the Rumble more which has Gorilla predicting Santana or Bulldog. Smith I could understand, but dude, TITO SANTANA? I love the guy but come on now. We argue Hogan vs. Flair a bit as Hercules is dominating.

We hit the floor for a bit with Hammer’s back being rammed into the apron. Hercules is a very ugly man indeed. This is when he has the long hair going for him which isn’t a good look on him. We hit the bearhug to continue this boring mess. Hammer fights back and it turns into a comedy of errors as neither guy can hit a move for like 30 seconds which is funnier than it sounds.

It’s the dreaded double clothesline as both guys are down and in trouble. The fans are in trouble too as this match is in desperate need of ending. And there’s the ending as we go old school with Valentine getting a belly to back suplex and bridging but Herc gets his shoulder up. Does this guy know ANY other finish to a match?

Rating: D. Boring match for the most part that didn’t get the crowd going in the slightest. I’ve seen worse, but this was a rather dull and uninteresting match for the most part. Both guys meant nothing by this point and everyone knew it. I really don’t get why this opened things up and I don’t think anyone else did either.

It would be back to WCW after this where Valentine was the old veteran. Here’s one of his matches from Beach Blast 1992.

Greg Valentine vs. Marcus Bagwell

Seriously, WHO thought this was a good idea? I want them shot. And we’re five minutes in and no one cares at all. This just isn’t interesting in the slightest to the shock of no one with any intelligence. Crowd is DEAD by the way. The wrestling is ok I guess but seriously, it’s Greg Valentine vs. Marcus Bagwell on PPV. This goes on forever it seems although it’s only about seven minutes again. To my complete and utter shock, Valentine gets the clean submission. Yes, they took Greg Valentine and put him over the rookie of the year. I can’t believe this company ever made a dime.

Rating: D-. This is mainly for just making my head hurt. Seriously, who in the world thought this was a good idea??? After a good opener we have two matches that are just wastes of time. At least Simmons won which makes sense. This is just stupid though and I apologize for how badly written it was.

Later in the year Valentine would be a bit better and be on Clash of the Champions XX.

Dick Slater/Greg Valentine vs. Bobby Eaton/Arn Anderson

This is an odd match as everyone is a heel. Slater and Valentine have Larry Zbyszko (with a broken arm) in their corner. Arn and Valentine get things going but everything quickly breaks down with Anderson and Eaton being sent to the floor. Back in and Slater gets in a cheap shot from the apron to take Arn down and things start to break down again. Bobby gets caught in a swinging neckbreaker from Slater followed by a Russian legsweep for two.

Back to Anderson for a spinning arm lock on Dick but it’s quickly back to Valentine. Anderson and Eaton take him into the corner but Greg fights out with some chops. Valentine takes him into the corner with Arn being put down on the mat for a stomping. Eaton comes around the ring and jacks Slater’s jaw before breaking up Valentine’s Figure Four. Anderson scores with the spinebuster for two as everything breaks down again. Zbyszko accidentally hits Valentine with the cast, allowing Eaton to drop a middle rope Alabama Jam for the pin.

Rating: D+. The match wasn’t bad but it’s some incredibly strange booking. The fans didn’t have anyone to cheer for in the match and the whole thing was kind of bizarre as a result. It’s not a terrible match but it’s a good explanation for why heels and faces need to be balanced out.

Valentine would be brought back as another veteran in 1996 for a few appearances, including this one on Nitro, September 23, 1996.

Greg Valentine vs. Randy Savage

Eric says there’s a new NWO member tonight. I can’t think of who that would be as the next member wasn’t until October and it was nothing of note unless I’m totally overlooking someone. Valentine jumps him and that doesn’t work all that well. They go to the floor with Valentine having his token control period. We hear that Super Calo has injured his elbow in a dark match so he’s out for awhile. Savage clocks Valentine with a chair twice and that’s a DQ.

Valentine would be brought back in for a cameo match against the new legend killer, Rob Conway, on Sunday Night Heat from October 21, 2005.

Greg Valentine vs. Rob Conway

Thankfully Valentine has the big robe here. Unfortunately he’s not in great shape and Conway starts wrestling in sunglasses. Greg shrugs off some right hands and chops away in the corner before throwing Conway outside. The brawl heads outside and Valentine is quickly posted before Conway pounds on Greg. Hammer avoids a dropkick though and drops some elbows but the Figure Four is easily countered. Rob hammers away but Eugene comes in to save his friend, drawing a DQ.

Rating: D+. Considering he was 57 and had been mostly retired for years, this wasn’t half bad. Conway’s gimmick was mostly limited to Heat until a bunch of legends got together and beat him up so it’s hard to complain about something like this. No it wasn’t a great match, but all things considered I’ve seen far worse.

Valentine thankfully uses common sense and shoves Eugene down for costing him a win.

Overall Greg Valentine was a great hand and that’s a great thing to be. He was very tough and could have good matches with almost anyone. His series with Santana in 1984/1985 is arguably the best feud ever over the Intercontinental Title and still holds up very well to this day. The Piper collar match is excellent as well. Check Valentine out if you want to see a skilled old school worker.

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Bloodymania V
Date: August 14, 2011
Location: Hatchet Landing, Cave-in-Rock Illinois
Commentators: Kevin Gill, Shaggy 2 Dope

This is what you get for saying you’ll review almost anything. This is Juggalo Championship Wrestling, which is the Insane Clown Posse’s company. If you don’t know who they are, they’re a band who dresses like clowns and are incredibly controversial for their lyrics and all that jazz. They’re also huge wrestling fans and got into both the WWF and WCW on their star power. They wrestled some matches and it became clear they had the talent of your average backyard wrestler. Naturally WCW had plans on making one of them Cruiserweight Champion because that’s what WCW does.

Now one thing to note: there are actual wrestlers here. It isn’t just ICP and their friends having bad matches. There are names on here like Rhyno, Raven, Nick Dinsmore (Eugene), X-Pac and Vampiro. Also I have no idea who any of these musicians are, nor do I care to know. Other than that I have no idea what to expect here. Let’s get to it.

Some guy in a JCW shirt comes out to open the show. Apparently his name is Kevin Gill. He intros the show and the people are SILENT. The audio on this show sucks so far. The main event is Corporal Robinson, who apparently has been champion for about 40% of the company’s existence, defending against Vampiro. He introduces his broadcasting partners and the audio gets a lot louder.

A DJ plays some music.

Shaggy goes to the back to see about some of the audio issues.

Apparently all of the fans are called ninjas.

Bill Martel vs. The Man of 1000 Gimmicks

The name graphics are backwards at first. The announcers keep talking over the ring announcer. Martel is the Superstar, so you can tell he’s important. The Man of 1000 Gimmicks is looking like a pimp here. From what I can find on the internet, his name is Sal so we’ll go with that. Apparently Sal lost a loser leaves town match a few weeks/months ago but put on a mask and won a match to get back on this show.

Bill slaps him to start but gets slapped right back. Sal takes him to the mat and hits a low dropkick to the head before pulling out….a marshmallow? Oh it was a tampon which he puts in Bill’s mouth. How long is this show again? Martel takes him down again and the audio screws up again. Martel misses a middle rope elbow and Sal clotheslines him down for two. They head to the corner with Sal hitting a tornado DDT and rolling through into a spinning fisherman’s neckbreaker for two. Martel gets a rollup out of nowhere for the pin. This should have been a dark match.

We recap the next tag match. Weed Man (exactly what it sounds like) lost a match to Officer Colt Cabana and had to become Cabana’s deputy. Weed Man wasn’t happy with it and had to help Cabana go after 2 Tuff Tony who is an alcoholic. Finally the drug addict turned on the cop and helped the alcoholic. Cabana brought in US Marshall Adam Pearce and we’ve got a tag match, albeit with Pearce/Cabana vs. Tony and a mystery partner.

The announcers talk but we hear music.

Adam Pearce/Colt Cabana vs. 2 Tuff Tony/???

Commentary is back now but the theme music is still drowning it out. The camera stays on the commentators as we can hear stuff going on in the ring. Even Shaggy and Kevin are asking why they’re being shown. Apparently the show didn’t get going until sometime between 1:30 and 3:30am. No wonder the fans aren’t caring that much. After Tony gives the fans liquor for a few minutes, Weed Man runs in and says he’s the partner of Tony. That’s not exactly shocking given the story. He takes his mask off which is a big deal apparently but it doesn’t get a big reaction. No one knows who he is so what was the point?

Tony and Cabana start things off with Tony controlling the arm early on. Off to Weed Man who stays on the arm while the announcers say he looks like a typical stoner. Cabana punches him down and it’s off to Pearce with a top rope splash for two. Weed Man does a Flair Flip in the corner and is clotheslined off the apron. Cabana rams Weed Man into the steps and Weed Man is busted.

Pearce works on the cut and does the clap non-tag to Cabana. A sunset flip gets two for Weed and we’re already at the main issue with this show: the wrestling is ok at its very best. Weed Man isn’t that good and he’s doing nothing but basics. Anyway it’s off to Pearce as the beating continues. Oh wait let’s look at the commentators again. Pearce goes up and gets crotched and superplexed down.

There’s the hot tag to Tony who cleans house as the announcers make gay jokes about Cabana. Tony hits a kick to the face of Pearce for two and a Lionsault to Cabana gets no cover. Instead of covering, Tony covers his hand in alcohol and tries to light it on fire, but Pearce throws a fire extinguisher at it. Cabana hits Tony with a nightstick for two as Weed Man dives through the ropes onto Pearce. Tony trips Cabana down and a double stomp from Weed Man gets the pin.

Rating: D+. This was one of the main events? If that’s the case this show is in big trouble. This was a run of the mill tag match and not a lot came from it. Cabana and Pearce are talented guys but they need something better than these two for opponents to have a good match. I get that Weed Man and Tony are popular, but they’re not that talented. That’s one of the mistakes ECW made: they would have guys in there to pop the live crowd but it did nothing for the masses. Now that being said, this is a far different kind of company than ECW was so it’s a lot more understandable here.

Cabana arrests Weed Man for taking his mask off. A guy who is apparently the owner of the land this show is happening on says Cabana has no authority here because it’s private property. Weed Man has to be uncuffed and security comes out remove Cabana who shouts about Rodney King. Tony and Weed Man celebrate with the fans.

We recap Zach Gowen vs. Eugene. Gowen has one leg and Eugene (spelled U-Gene here for the sake of copyright infringement but I’m calling him Eugene because it really makes no difference) was really protective of him. Eugene tried to use brass knuckles to win the tag titles but Gowen didn’t want them that way. Eugene was offended and turned on him, setting up this match. Simple story and that’s fine.

U-Gene vs. Zach Gowen

Eugene takes the only leg out but Gowen can fight well on the mat and escapes. Eugene keeps asking for a test of strength but Gowen will have none of that. Back to the mat but Gowen kicks him to the floor. Eugene is still slow so this is a battle of the handicaps. Back in and Gowen gets down in a crouch which freaks Eugene out. Gowen is very quick on the mat so Eugene gets on top of him. A dropkick puts Eugene on the floor and he’s getting very frustrated. He seems to be the heel here.

Back in and Gowen is slammed into the mat for two and it’s off to a chinlock. Eugene uses the classic invisible foreign object to pound away. The commentators debate what country the object is from and continue to get on my nerves. Eugene puts on a half crab, which may be a full crab in Gowen’s case, followed by a giant swing. Eugene loads up what looks like a Samoan Drop off the middle rope but Gowen escapes into a powerbomb for no cover.

A Blockbuster gets two for Gowen but Eugene comes back with an airplane spin. Given that it’s an airplane spin, we get the required ref bump as Gowen is being spun around. Gowen takes Eugene down and this a moonsault but there’s no ref. As Zach wakes the referee up, Eugene blasts Gowen with the foreign object for the pin.

Rating: C. Not bad here as it’s amazing what you do when you get seasons pros in the ring. Eugene was always talented and he could make the gimmick work well as he tweaked it enough to make it different at different times. When you take Gowen out of the main event scene of WWE PPVs, he’s a lot less annoying. Decent match here which is probably going to be the high point.

The referee sees the object and reverses the decision. Eugene snaps and destroys Gowen with Gowen’s cane. The referee was busted open in there somewhere too.

The announcers talk about what we just saw.

We recap Richie Boy Breyer Wellington vs. his Butler Geeves. Wellington was going to try to steal the world title but Geeves wound up sneaking in and taking it. 2 Tuff Tony won the belt before Geeves could lay down for Wellington so Wellington and his manager Truth Martini brought in Geeves’ wife Mrs. Geeves before the match tonight. Tonight, the winner gets Mrs. Geeves and the loser has to fight Tank Abbott for five minutes.

Breyer Wellington vs. Butler Geeves

Geeves looks like a Chippendale dancer. We stall to start and look at the announcers a bit who are talking about moon bounce houses. No contact for the first 45 seconds or so. Geeves works on the arm but gets sent to the mat by Wellington to escape. Wellington puts on a headlock as the ring seems a lot louder now for some reason. The announcers keep up a joke about Geeves learning to wrestle online which is beaten into the ground a few minutes into the match.

The guys in the ring are doing nothing beyond basics so far. A butterfly suplex gets two for Wellington and it’s off to a surfboard hold on Geeves. Wellington hits a Backstabber for two. At least I think it was two, as we were looking at the announcers again. Geeves makes a comeback and grabs a rollup for two but walks into a modified Cradle Shock (Sabin’s AA move) for two. Some chick comes out and flashes Wellington, giving Geeves a rollup for the pin.

Rating: D. This was really dull and the comeback came so fast that there wasn’t a chance for the crowd to get into it. The girl I guess is replacing Mrs. Geeves for her husband, but he gets them both due to the stipulations. That’s not a bad way to go and I guess now we get the Tank Abbott stuff. Pretty terrible match though.

Geeves says he doesn’t want his wife’s services anymore in a pretty decent promo.

No Abbott stuff for the moment.

Here’s Commissioner Violent J. He plays to the crowd a bit and the fans chant Bruce (his real name). As with everything else tonight, you can barely understand him. He says not to review the show if you’re not observing them. That clears me I guess. Apparently only Juggalos can review these shows. I’m out then. He talks about what you should do and this goes nowhere. We get a King Kong Bundy reference for no apparent reason.

J talks about a guy who is here after not being around for awhile. The fans chant for Evil Dead, who was a corpse that won the first JCW Championship. He had a big advantage because he was death and therefore couldn’t feel pain. More on that later. Evil Dead is the first inductee into the JCW Hall of Fame, and there is no truth to the speculation that it’s just J’s brother in a rubber mask.

Evil Dead comes out and falls down the ramp because he doesn’t have many leg muscles left. He has a note in his hand as he stands on the middle rope. J reads his speech which talks about eating people. Dead falls off the ropes, gets tied up in the ropes, falls to the floor, and finally leaves with J. This ran 13 minutes, or longer than all but one match tonight.

The announcers talk a lot more. This must be an intermission of some kind.

Tag Titles: Ring Rydas vs. Tracy Smothers/Bull Pain vs. Necro Butcher/Mad Man Pondo vs. Raven/Sexy Slim Goody

The Rydas are the champions and are known as Ring Ryda Red and Ring Ryda Blue. They’re masked and are also known as the Irish Airborne, mainly from ROH. The ring is WAY too small for eight people. Raven and Smothers start things off and we start with dancing. Before there’s any contact it’s off to Slim, who is a big fat guy who may or may not be gay. Smothers keeps falling down without any contact being made. Pain comes in and twists Slim’s nipples to start things off.

Bull Pain pounds on Slim as the announcers crack jokes about whatever they think of. A reverse DDT puts Slim down for no cover for Pain. Pain looks like a shorter Albert from his piercing days. The Rydas get on Pain’s nerves and draw him into their corner so Red comes in to pound on Slim. The Rydas are small guys so the size difference is jarring.

Off to Blue vs. Necro with Blue speeding things up and hitting a running knee to the face. Blue goes up but jumps into an uppercut. Off to Pondo who hits a kind of piledriver onto a chair that is in the ring out of nowhere. Things break down a bit and it’s off to Necro vs. Smothers. Necro chops away in the corner and Pain starts beating on everyone with a bat or a pipe or whatever it is.

Tracy comes in and Necro sets for a tiger driver, but Tracy’s daughter/sister (forget it people, it’s JCW) Isabelle comes in to break it up. Pain walks out on Smothers for some reason and Tracy follows. Red breaks up a DDT on Pondo from Raven and heads up. In a pretty awesome looking finish, Red gets shoved off the top by Goody into the DDT from Raven who hits it perfectly for the pin and the titles.

Rating: D+. This was a bit of a mess because there were too many people and too much stuff going on out there at once. The ending was pretty awesome looking though as Red looked dead after that DDT. I have no idea why Raven and Slim are together but it’s Raven so it’s not a big deal at all.

And now the feed goes off for a bit. It wouldn’t feel right if that didn’t happen.

We recap Rhyno vs. Kongo Kong which is basically a battle of monsters colliding. It’s No DQ either.

Rhyno vs. Kongo Kong

No countout or DQ. Apparently Kongo has lost over 90lbs since the video was made because he’s billed as 410lbs here and was said to be over 500lbs in the video. Kong is a savage or something close to one. Kong immediately clotheslines him down but Rhyno pops back up. Rhyno hits a decent belly to belly given how fat Kong is but Kong pops back up. Kong misses a charge and flips over the top rope to the floor in a surprising display of balance.

Rhyno dives onto Kong but loses a slugout on the floor. Back in and the fat man (Kongo if you’re not familiar with Rhyno, which makes me wonder why you’re reading this) pounds away and we get the required nerve hold. Rhyno Hulks Up and finally knocks Kong down with shoulders. The Gore hits….for two? I didn’t see that coming. A second Gore again only gets two but the third one hits the buckle, giving Kongo a rollup win out of nowhere.

Rating: D. Kong is a big guy but there’s nothing more to him than that. Also, why would you have a monster come off looking like he can only win on a fluke? Kicking out of two Gores was a nice surprise as the Gore is a very famous finisher. This was short which helped a bit but it didn’t work that well due to Kong being unable to do much.

We recap the women’s three way. There’s something about training and throwing in a towel and I really don’t care.

Brittany Force vs. Amber O’Neal vs. Ring Girl Randy

Amber is billed as being from Heaven. That’s kind of awesome. The announcers say they hope it turns into lesbianism. Well why bother to just hint at it I guess? Anyway Amber tries to leave but the other two pull her back in and beat her to the floor. Randy hits a Samoan Drop on Force to send Brittany to the floor, followed by a big dive to take Brittany out. Amber sends Randy into the post so let’s look at the announcers.

Back in and Brittany grabs a fast rollup for two on Amber but gets caught in a running Umaga attack in the corner. Amber knocks everyone down and hits a bad X Factor on Force for two. Force gets two off something we missed because we were looking at the commentators. Randy keeps getting beaten up as she tries to get back in. Amber chokes Brittany over the ropes while in a rana position and Randy is back in.

Scratch that as she’s already back out. Amber puts a chinlock on Force for about 10 seconds, followed by a Stink Face. Force avoids a charge and hits a Downward Spiral on Amber and Randy finally gets back in. A facejam from Force gets two on Amber, but Randy comes in and hits a reverse DDT on Force for the surprise win.

Rating: D+. This was your usual three way with the person who looked to be losing the entire time coming out of nowhere for the surprise pin. That’s always annoying as it’s such a played out idea that as soon as Randy kept getting knocked to the floor I knew she was going to win. Nothing to see here but Amber is good looking so it helps.

X-Pac vs. Luke Gallows vs. Rob Conway

The winner gets a contract, even though Conway already has one. Fast paced opening here with no one being able to get an advantage. Conway is sent to the floor and Gallows is knocked out as well, followed by Pac with a big dive. Conway crotches Pac on the platform the ring is on which gets two back in the ring. Now we get to the usual turning point of a triple threat: the fight between the heels (?) that want to pin the guy who is down.

Gallows kills Conway with a chokeslam but Pac kicks Gallows down. Luke kicks Pac in the face in the corner but misses a middle rope elbow. Conway puts a sleeper on Gallows but they both fall to the floor. The sleeper wasn’t broken though and Gallows is put to sleep. Conway goes back in to try to do the same to Pac but X-Pac rolls him up for the pin.

Rating: D+. This wasn’t terrible but it just came and went. Gallows is as generic of a big man as you can get and Conway is just there, which is why he’s an OVW legend and not much else. The match was as typical of a three way as you could ever ask for. Nothing special at all here though, which might as well be the name of the show.

We recap Corporal Robinson vs. Vampiro. They were friends, Vampiro came into the ring when Robinson won his fourth title and kicked Robinson’s head off. This is something about Robinson proving himself, despite having two title reigns that have gone over two years already. Robinson says this is his life, unlike Vampiro where it’s like the fourth biggest thing on his list. Vampiro says that’s exactly like ICP and they’re doing fine. Both of these guys are in the Juggalo World Order which is the big stable which hasn’t been mentioned until this promo.

JCW World Title: Corporal Robinson vs. Vampiro

Robinson is defending if that wasn’t clear. They shake hands to start and finally lock up. Before anything can get going, here’s Evil Dead for no apparent reason. He gets in the ring and drills the referee as the other two guys get in each others’ faces. Evil Dead DDTs both guys and leaves. This is happening…..why exactly?

Robinson and Vampiro slug it out from their knees which takes a good while. Robinson shoulders him down but gets kicked in the face a second later to give Vampiro control again. Robinson comes back again and tries his finisher called Boot Camp (cobra clutch legsweep) but Vampiro escapes. A neckbreaker gets two for the champion as does a superkick from Vampiro. Vampiro’s chokeslam is broken up and apparently it’s almost 5:00am. Good grief.

A tornado DDT gets two for Robinson as they’re in the problem most indy matches have: they have no idea how to tell a story in the ring and it’s just a string of moves with nothing between them. Vampiro flips off the fans to go heel I guess, and walks into a dragon screw leg whip for his efforts. Robinson puts on a quick leglock but Vamp gets to a rope. The Corporal brings in a chair but Vampiro kicks his knee out just in time.

Vampiro loads up something off the top but gets pulled down into a Tree of Woe. We get the Tommy Dreamer running dropkick into the chair into the guy in the Tree of Woe’s face for two. Vampiro comes back with a kind of Van Daminator and Robinson is busted open. It’s table time now because what would a main event be without one of those? Off to a chinlock by Vampiro so he can bite the cut a bit.

The table is set up in the corner and Vampiro goes after the cut on Robinson’s head. Robinson is sent face first into the chair but Vampiro walks around too much and gets suplexed down for two. Robinson goes up but misses a legdrop to bring things to a halt again. Chokeslam from Vampiro gets two, followed by a Robinson powerbomb and Boot Camp for the pin to retain. The table was never used.

Rating: C-. This went WAY too long which brings it down a bit. Somehow this match was almost twenty minutes long and about four minutes of that was spent on laying around. I have no idea what the point of Evil Dead was but it came and went and didn’t change anything. Not a terrible match or anything and it was fine for a main event on a show of this caliber.

The locker room comes out to celebrate with Robinson as Vampiro leaves. He finally comes back to celebrate to end the show.

Overall Rating: D. This certainly wasn’t the worst show I’ve ever seen but it’s nothing I’d ever want to see more of. JCW started off as basically a parody of wrestling with things like the announcers saying this match sucks so let’s watch a different one and then they would actually change over to another match or the ICP declaring themselves the winners because they own the company and they’ll fire anyone that beats them. Instead this was just a run of the mill indy show with absolutely nothing memorable or different at all. That being said, the show cost five bucks so it’s really hard to complain.

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