Wrestlemania 14
Date: March 29, 1998
Location: Fleetcenter, Boston, Massachusetts
Attendance: 19,028
Commentators: Jerry Lawler, Jim Ross
America the Beautiful: Chris Warren

We have arrived in the Attitude Era full blast now. As of last year’s Wrestlemania, it was about as obvious as possible that Austin was going to be the guy that the company put itself on for the foreseeable future. Bret was gone due to Montreal and, we didn’t know it at the time, but Shawn was on his way out. This show was based completely around storyline with wrestling thrown in on the side.

The big deal at this show was Mike Tyson. Floyd Mayweather at last year’s show was nothing but a cheap imitation of this. Tyson being on the show was absolutely mind blowing at the time as he was one of the biggest names in the world. We all knew Austin would get the belt, but with Tyson there we wanted to see how he did it. The other feud was a mind blowing one as well with Kane vs. the Undertaker.

That feud is about as epic as you can get so I’ll go into the explanation for that when it’s time. This was the first show that was completely in the new era and it’s clear that the company was going in a new direction. You can see that in the very first match of the show. Before that though, we get an excellent video talking about how the new generation is killing off the tradition of Wrestlemania, but it questions if they really are doing so. Check it out if you get the chance. Where was I? Oh yes, let’s get to it.

The opening video is about how there’s a new era in the company. This era is full of brash young men that are fighting for the same title that Hogan and Sammartino had. Tonight instead of fighting history, they will become it. Cool opening video.

With no pyro or anything, it’s time for the first match.
Tag Team Battle Royal

Los Boricuas (Vega/Perez), Los Boricuas (Estrada/Castillo), Truth Commission, Bradshaw/Chainz, Nation of Domination (Henry/Brown), Nation of Domination (Farrooq/Kama), Quebecers, New Midnight Express (Bart Gunn and Bob Holly), Rock N Roll Express (original), Headbangers, Too Much (Too Cool), Disciples of Apocalypse, Steve Blackman/Flash Funk, Godwins, Legion of Doom 2000
This is for a title shot the following month at Unforgiven. The LOD is returning here, managed by the epitome of sex appeal, Sunny. If you ask most people here, Sunny was one of their first crushes. Just an absolute goddess. Anyway, this is a pretty big mess of a match. The rules are that if one man is eliminated, so is his partner. The RVD sign in the crowd amuses me. The crowd is going nuts for LOD, who were always ridiculously over.

We only see the intros of Farrooq/Kama and the LOD, more or less saying who the winners are automatically. Why there’s a remix of their song I have no idea. Anyway, Animal is in shorts now and Sunny is in very little. LOUD LOD chant starts up. Everyone starts on the floor so it’s a big brawl to start. Savio goes out. There isn’t much to say here as everything is a big mess with 30 people in the ring to start.

Kurrgan comes out and eliminates the Truth Commission. Barry Windham comes out to get rid of Chainz and Bradshaw. Thankfully that clears up a bit of space here. D’lo and Henry are out. The Quebecers are out. This is going so fast that you can’t keep up with anything at all. The original Express is out. This is annoying beyond belief.

Castillo and Estrada are out. Headbangers are out. Henry is still in there even though his partner is out. I have no idea who is left. Henry is gone finally. Too Much is gone and Lawler is mad. Uh the Godwins, the DOA, the LOD, New Midnights and that’s it. We slow WAY down and this is just boring.

The DOA is finally out. We went from like two eliminations a minute to one in three minutes. Ok the DOA is still in. Now the Godwins are out as is DOA. The Godwins get their buckets to drill LOD, making it harder for the new Midnights to pick them up and toss them as the LOD are now dead weight. Animal goes under the ropes but Hawk hangs on. I think you know the ending here. The LOD clean house and almost stereo eliminations give the old guys the win.

Rating: D-. This was awful. The ending was known far before the match ended, the eliminations were awful as they went far too fast, and there were WAY too many people in the ring at once with 30 being in there at the beginning. This team went nowhere for the most part but anytime Sunny looks like that you can’t call it a failure at all.
Light Heavyweight Championship: Taka Michinoku vs. Aguila

This is the epitome of filler. No one ever knew what to do with these guys so it would be Taka vs. random opponent of the month. This whole title was just a waste and I don’t think anyone missed it when it was exiled to Metal. It was clearly a response to the Crusierweights, but the problem was simple: most of the good cruiserweights were taken already.

Aside from Taka, the WWF guys had no personality, no substance to them at all, and were just dull. There was absolutely no structure to the division whatsoever. See what I’m doing here? I’m typing this out so I don’t have to be bored to death by this match. Dang it I have to watch it I guess. There was zero transition here at all either as we just start the match. No entrance for Taka either.

They slap hands to start and here we go. This is very much like the Moolah Women’s Title defenses back in the 70s and early 80s. Asai moonsault by Aguila who is only 19. We head to the floor for the second time tonight as Taka hits a huge plancha to take down Aguila.

We go into the ring and the fans go into their seats. No one cares about these guys and it’s pretty clear. There’s a reason why this division bombed and I’ve gone into it already. We go to the floor for the third time in less than three minutes. Taka counters for a bit but gets caught by a top rope armdrag.

Aguila does some great flips and we’re on the floor one more time. Nice corkscrew plancha by Aguila takes Taka down as we’re doing high spot, rest, high spot, rest, lather rinse repeat. Moonsault by Aguila gets two. Middle rope splash gets knees for Taka and the champion is in trouble. Michinoku Driver and a moonsault miss but Taka gets a counter with a dropkick and the second attempt at the Driver ends this.

Rating: D+. The match was fine but at the same time, this was rather pointless. It’s the definition of filler as there was no reason to care about any character. Only Taka got any kind of extended camera time and when the challengers are all gone a week later, why in the world should I get interested? The division never worked and those are some reasons why.

We see some woman that had something to do with Bill Clinton interviewing the Rock. This is completely hilarious as Rock is the most egomaniacal person of all time, saying that all the major issues like homelessness aren’t important as long as his lawn is clean. He’s the judge and jury and is always a hung jury, if you smell what he’s cooking. If my memory is right, that’s the debut of that line. He makes sex jokes about interns and is absolutely hilarious.

European Title: HHH vs. Owen Hart

This feud is a residual effect from Montreal. The time of HHH as leader of DX was on the horizon as was his face turn. That would lead to one of the best feuds of the late 90s between him and the Rock, culminating in an absolute war in the ladder match at Summerslam. Chris Warren and the DX Band play HHH to the ring. He’s champion here and Chyna will be handcuffed to Sgt. Slaughter, the commissioner, during the match.

We get a quick video of Owen’s bad ankle being destroyed by Chyna and losing the title to HHH as a result. Owen never got his big match with Shawn and was more or less buried and fed to HHH who moved on to bigger stuff. Owen was given the European Title after beating Goldust to keep him appeased but the writing was totally on the wall at that point.

Setting up the handcuffs takes FOREVER. Owen comes out and the fight is on in a hurry. Bret is actually mentioned here which is odd to hear indeed. Hurricanrana gets two. Owen was insane in the ring at times for someone his size. HHHHH gets in a shot to the knee and we hit the floor. Chyna tries to interfere but gets stopped cold by Slaughter.

Owen takes over again and we go back to the ring. Sharpshooter almost goes on but HHH rakes the eyes. Hart lowers his head and gets a facebuster because of it. Well if you do it that obviously you deserve to get a knee to the face. Crotch chop to Owen. Earl Hebner isn’t here tonight and is in intensive care for some reason. He’s watching Mania though, probably thinking of how to screw over Owen for a change.

Suplex by HHH gets no cover. Jerry screams at HHH to go for the ankle but it’s a Flair knee drop instead. DDT gets two. HHH finally goes after the ankle and the big beaked Canadian is screaming in pain. Owen’s nose is busted. More ankle work but Owen gets some shots in to take over a bit. He ducks a boot and slides HHH’s balls into the post. Get Stephanie stat!

Missile dropkick gets two as the ankle is ok enough for that I guess. Quick belly to belly gets two. Enziguri puts HHH down but it reinjures the ankle and down goes Owen. The delay allows HHH to kick out before the three. Rana is blocked into a powerbomb for two for HHH. Chyna keeps trying to interfere as Owen gets a cross body for two.

Pedigree is blocked into another Sharpshooter attempt but Owen manages to fall on the little Pedigrees again for two. Owen lowers his head again and almost gets caught in the Pedigree again. Instead it’s reversed into the Sharpshooter but Chyna is able to pull HHH to the ropes even with Sarge out there. That’s rather impressive. Chyna gets some white powder from somewhere (read as Waltman) and throws it in Slaughter’s eyes. A low blow to Owen lets HHH hit the Pedigree to end it.

Rating: B-. This was a pretty solid match but they needed a few more minutes. Also the cheating at the end made the Slaughter aspect completely pointless. It’s good but there’s just not enough there to warrant a higher grade. I liked it though as Owen and HHH were both good in the ring with HHH being a shell of what he would become.

Chyna beats up Slaughter post match to a big pop just because she can.

Apparently we have some technical difficulties as Vince should be checked for a heart attack. I didn’t notice anything.

We recap Sable vs. Mero with him being starved for attention while Sable became a star. He got Goldust and Luna to help him in some weird way. This was one of the weirder angles in the early Attitude Era which is saying a lot. Luna wanted to make Sable ugly and Mero defended her, bringing Goldie into it. This takes like three minutes to explain.

Marc Mero/Sable vs. Luna and Goldust

Oh he’s the Artist Formerly Known as Goldust here. I lay corrected. Mero is a boxer character here which mirrors his real life background. Goldie is of course dressed in a ridiculous outfit. Sable and Luna want to start us off. Sable is about as clueless as you could ask for. Remember that as I’ll get back to it later. Actually the guys start us off as the gender have to match here.

Off to the women as Sable gets a loud pop. Luna runs and the chase is on. Luna gets back in the ring and tags out so it’s back to the men. Mero backdrops Goldust and it’s off to Sable and Luna. Luna of course hides again like the heel she is so it’s back to Mero and Goldie again. You may notice Sable is doing NOTHING here.

Goldust gets a clothesline out of the corner to put Mero down and take over for a bit. Both guys go for cross bodies and it’s Goldust taking over again. The fans want Sable and I can’t say I blame them. She does look good here. Sable finally comes in to fight Luna and hammers away. She’s incredibly sloppy and fires “martial arts” kicks. Goldie gets drilled also and Luna is reeling.

She manages to get the tag off to Goldie so Sable hits him too. Mero beats on Goldust on the floor but can’t get a slingshot splash to come back in. Sable distracts the referee and Mero gets a low blow. TKO is countered into a DDT for two. Curtain call is reversed and Mero gets a running knee lift and a moonsault press for two. Top rope rana gets two and a rollup from heel miscommunication does the same.

TKO isn’t as crisp as it should be but Luna saves. Sable tags herself in and tries to pin Goldust. Luna misses a splash and Sable debuts her powerbomb to get two. See, for a big move like that it should END THE MATCH. Instead she ends it a few seconds later with a bad TKO.

Rating: C. Not a bad match here considering the star was Sable and Mero vs. Goldust was the core of this. While the did the lifting here, that still gives us the logical conclusion. Of course Sable gets the glory here by being told she’s such a great wrestler. This led to a somewhat sad story actually. After this match, Luna, a long since established veteran, claims that Sable refused to learn how to take bumps and would only get punched or slapped while Luna did all the work.

After the match, Sable was congratulated by everyone while Luna was left completely alone, with the exception of one person telling her she did well: Owen Hart. If you watch the match, you can see that Sable is completely clueless and is only able to do the two big moves that she knew. Other than that it’s all Luna. Also, Luna had always wanted to be the Women’s Champion, yet never got it because of Sable. A very sad story to me.

Jeff Jarrett and that woman from the Rock interview are presented to the crowd in a total waste of time. Oh and Tennessee Lee, the promoter of Jeff Jarrett, introduces them. He’s more famous as Colonel Robert Parker in WCW. Thank goodness the Nation of Domination’s music plays to hurry this along.

Intercontinental Title: The Rock vs. Ken Shamrock

This was an interesting little feud here. Shamrock was built up to be this fighting machine that had Rock’s number. Recently, Rock had gotten under Farooq’s, the leader of the Nation, skin, claiming that he, the Rock, was the reason for the group’s success. Four members of the Nation including the Rock are at ringside to face Shamrock. God that woman’s voice is annoying. Flowers is doing the announcing if you didn’t get that.

Shamrock really was sweet at what he did. He knew how to fight and he made sure you knew it. While never a great wrestler, he was completely legit and it made him that much more impressive sounding. Rock’s heritage is explained for the ten thousandth time, without it once being explained why his last name was Maivia and his father’s last name was Johnson.

It’s so weird because I’m watching Raw leading up to this as well as this show today so it’s kind of intriguing to see every little bit that set this up. Shamrock had been owning Rock recently and had let Rock get a clean chairshot which would get them fired today. Also Rock hit Farrooq with a chair for no apparent reason.

Shamrock sprints to the ring and it’s on. Rock ducks a lot of punches but gets kicked in the head to take him down. If Rock gets disqualified he loses the title. After some brawling on the floor it’s back in the ring and all Shamrock. The Nation interferes a bit to give Rock control as he sends Shamrock into the steps.

People’s Elbow isn’t quite of the people yet but it’s still good for two. Shamrock is up quickly, likely because it’s just an elbow. Rock is sent to the floor one more time and Shamrock grabs a chair. He shoves the referee down and Rock gets a BIG chair shot to the head for two. That was absolutely sick and is a great example of why those can be a bad thing. Shamrock does his usual stuff, grabs the ankle lock (yes, KEN SHAMROCK brought it to American pro wrestling, not Kurt Angle) for the quick tap to win the title!

Rating: C+. This was very quick but it did the job it was supposed to. Shamrock looked like an animal here and he massacred Rock with relative ease. When it was one on one Rock was completely overmatched and had to cheat to get anything going. The quick tap out was nice also.

Post match the Nation attacks and Shamrock fights them all off. Shamrock grabs the ankle lock again as Farrooq comes down. He looks at Rock and just walks away, more or less turning face. Shamrock grabs the hold again as referees and officials come down. They get their beatings too and Rock is taken out on a stretcher.

Shamrock’s eyes are FREAKY. Due to the beatings, the decision is reversed and Rock keeps the title. He goes after Rock and beats on him even more. Rock wouldn’t lose the title until August at Summerslam and Shamrock wouldn’t get it until October.

The WWF guys say they’re real athletes, which is true.

There’s a gate record tonight as there has never been a more lucrative event in this city. I find that hard to believe with Patriot games or Red Sox games.

Tag Titles: Cactus Jack/Chainsaw Charlie vs. New Ago Outlaws

The backstory here is simple. Jack was feuding with the Outlaws and got tired of getting beaten up, so he got his friend Charlie, a.k.a. Terry Funk to help him. Eventually the Outlaws threw them in a dumpster and threw them off the stage. This match for the tag titles is the result of that act. It’s dumpster match which means you have to put both guys in the dumpster.

Road Dogg is getting the entrance there but doesn’t quite have it yet since they’re not in DX yet. There’s a dumpster at ringside. This is far more of a brawl than a match as you would expect. They hit the floor immediately and the beating is on. It’s Cactus vs. Road Dogg and Funk vs. Gunn. Cactus tries a flip at Road Dogg but bounces off the dumpster instead.

The Outlaws are in control early and manage to get Funk into the dumpster. Roadie hits a Russian Leg Sweep to ram Cactus’ head into the dumpster. That was SICK. The Outlaws slam the lids of the dumpster on the back of the heads of their challengers. Cactus is in the dumpster while Funk is abused. Both challengers are in now and Gunn celebrates but Cactus gets up and gets a double Mandible Claw. They couldn’t shut the lid so the match isn’t over.

Funk pops out of the dumpster with a cookie sheet to hammer away some more. Cactus and Funk take turns giving neckbreakers to Road Dogg as this is a total brawl. Cactus Elbow with a cookie sheet to Gunn on the floor. He looks for more toys and finds a ladder. Oh dear. Cactus and Billy climb it for no apparent reason and get launched into the dumpster.

They both get out but Funk is powerbombed into it by Billy. The Outlaws take Cactus to the back and we don’t have a camera there so we see some replays. Ah there’s a shot in the back with Cactus falling into everything. After being thrown into some massive soda bottles, Cactus finds a chair to even the odds. He puts both Outlaws on a forklift which Funk commandeers to put them in a dumpster to win the titles.

Rating: C+. Hard one to grade here as it was a total mess to say the least. That being said, the challengers worked themselves to death out there and it’s not like the Outlaws ever wrestled anyway. The ending would come into play the next night on raw as the Outlaws would get the decision overturned because they were put into the wrong dumpster. Later that night, the company just happened to have a steel cage handy so the titles were on the line in a cage match. DX interfered, giving the titles to the Outlaws, who finally joined DX.

Now we get to the real stuff on this card. This whole show was built around two matches: the WWF Title match, and this one right here. In what might have been the best booked “silly” feud of all time, the Undertaker was set to do battle with his brother Kane. My God this was built up perfectly. Sit back, because this is a long backstory.

After Paul Bearer betrayed Taker at Summerslam 96, Taker was going after him. Midway through the previous year when Taker was WWF Champion, he feuded with Mankind, managed by Bearer. During that feud, Bearer mentioned the name Kane. This drove Taker insane as he kept trying to cover up what this name meant. Finally Bearer revealed that it was Taker’s brother, and that Taker attempted to kill him.

This led to Bearer eventually saying that when Taker’s parents were killed in a fire, the Undertaker was the person that started the fire in an attempt to kill his parents. What wasn’t known was that his brother was in the house with them. Taker says that it was an accident and that he tried to rescue them but firefighters held him back. Bearer would go on to reveal that he was in fact Kane’s father.

This results in one of the worst beatings ever recorded on WWF television, but it ends with Paul saying that it’s the truth and that Kane told him, because Kane was still alive. Apparently Paul rescued him from the fire and cared for him for the last 20 years, which was unknown to Taker.

This was all revealed over a several month long period of time. Finally, in August, Taker was facing Shawn Michaels in the first ever Hell in a Cell match. Shawn gets one of the worst beatings of all time, but as Taker signals for the Tombstone, the lights go out and we hear organ music. An explosion goes off and a 7ft giant walks through the curtain, accompanied by Paul Bearer.

Taker is stunned as this man rips the door to the cage off and tombstones Taker, allowing Shawn to pin him. There was one key to this whole thing that made it work to me: for probably 3 months, you only heard about Kane. Until the night of the Cell match, you never saw him.

You didn’t know what he looked like, you didn’t know how he dressed, you didn’t know how big he was. You knew absolutely nothing at all but what you heard. All you knew was he was the Undertaker’s brother. After all the buildup you got about him, no matter what he looked like when you finally saw him, he was going to be awesome. That my friends, is how you build up a character.

Anyway, Kane of course wants to fight his brother. In the interest of ratings, Taker says no way. Kane begins just destroying people left and right, including two brothers named Matt and Jeff. They never did anything after that I don’t think. Kane would randomly run in and beat people up, all while begging the Undertaker to fight him.

He would come to the ring and beat up his brother, but Taker kept insisting he couldn’t fight his own flesh and blood. Kane punched him one night and raised him hand to do it again, but Taker blocked it. The crowd went nuts over him simply raising him arm. Taker didn’t fight back though and got beaten up again.

Finally, Taker and Shawn were feuding again, leading up to the Rumble. HHH kept interfering, but one night, out of absolutely nowhere, Kane helped his brother. That Sunday at the Rumble, Taker was gang attacked and Kane came out. However, he beat up his brother and shut him in the casket, costing him the match. Kane then locked it shut and set it on fire.

However, after this occurred, it was revealed that the casket was empty, prompting Paul Bearer to be absolutely terrified, knowing that Taker was still alive somewhere. Kane continued to ravage the company, until one night on Raw, the arena was covered by a blue light, and druids brought out a body on a pedestal. A bolt of lightning hit it, and the man on it rose up, revealing himself to be the Undertaker himself.

In a completely over the top yet still amazing promo, the Deadman said he will gain his revenge on his little brother, accepting his challenge for Wrestlemania. The next week on Raw, Kane was in the ring having called out his brother, yet instead Taker appeared on top of the titantron, talking about how Kane would feel his wrath. Taker then threw a lightning bolt at the stage, igniting a coffin that was standing up. Inside was an effigy of Kane, that began burning.

And that finally leads us to this. The video on the PPV took over five minutes so you know this was a long story.
Kane vs. The Undertaker

Before the match, Pete Rose appears, insulting Boston. Kane then comes out and tombstones Pete Rose, starting a three year running joke feud between the two which was rather funny in my eyes. This was kind of funny but went on too long. Rose sounds drunk too. Also, was there a need to make Kane a face for 8 seconds like that? Anyway, JR puts it just right: as Taker is about to appear, JR says, “This ovation will be not of this world.” He couldn’t’ have been more correct.

The fans all have their lighters out, they’re going crazy, Taker has a line of druids all holding up torches which he walks under, the lightning, the thunder, the smoke, and Taker dressed in his demonic attire. It was absolutely amazing looking and finally the pair face off in the middle of the ring. This is still the best entrance of his I’ve ever seen. This match might have the best build up I’ve ever seen, which is covering a lot of ground.

Taker’s offense is no sold to start which is going to be something you read a lot in this review. Kane launches him into the corner but Taker keeps moving. Almost all Taker so far. Short clothesline by Kane but Taker pops up. Kane gets him in a Tombstone position but rams him into the buckle instead. You have to remember this is maybe the fifth match Kane had in this gimmick, at least two of which had been squashes. This isn’t something he’s used to yet.

Kane takes over and we slow things WAY down. These two seem incapable of having a good match for some reason. Taker winds up on Kane’s shoulders so Kane shoves him face first into the mat. Well kind of as it didn’t go like it was supposed to but you get the idea.

Out to the floor now as Taker is dropped across the railing. Kane drops the steps on Taker’s back as Bearer has the referee. The steps make a big sound and hit the referee in the leg, yet somehow the referee doesn’t call a DQ. Makes sense right? Taker is apparently trying to get Kane to punch himself out. Chokeslam gets two as Kane pulls his brother up.

We hit the chinlock. Now let’s time this as it goes on for FAR too long overall. Yet again we get the beginning of the Streak wrong, saying it started at Mania 8 instead of 7. Minute and a half on this particular chinlock until Taker breaks it up. A clothesline puts the more successful one down and it’s back to the chinlock. Just a minute this time as Taker lifts Kane up and puts him on the apron.

A big boot finally puts Kane on the floor. Taker dives over the ropes but Kane casually steps to the side and lets Taker crash into the table. Top rope clothesline puts Taker down again for two. You ever notice that everyone manhandles Taker better than the previous guy he fought?

Out of nowhere Taker grabs a Tombstone but Kane reverses into one of his own for a long two count. The crowd is barely alive for this by the way. Taker starts firing punches in and a big shot takes Kane down. Big boot is blocked so Taker has to settle for the Chokeslam. Taker gets the Tombstone but KANE KICKS OUT. This was unheard of as I don’t think that had ever been done.

Kane pops up so Taker has to hit a second Tombstone which AGAIN only gets two. Bearer is clutching his chest as he curses Undertaker. Taker goes up and hits a top rope clothesline to put Kane down one more time. The THIRD Tombstone finally gets the pin as he hooks a leg and Kane kicked out at about 3.1.

Rating: D+. While not great from a technical standpoint, this match’s build up was out of this world. A fine example of the hype carrying a match rather than the in ring work. The streak is beginning to mean something now as it reaches 7-0, although I don’t think that’s mentioned for another three years. The match itself more or less sucked, but the buildup was there and enough to make it passable. Cut about 5 minutes out of this and it goes WAY up.

Kane beats up Taker with a chair post match including a Tombstone on it.

We recap Austin vs. Shawn. Basically there’s not much build up here. Austin won the Rumble and got the title shot. On Raw one night, Vince had Mike Tyson show up as a guest, but Austin got in his face, flipping him off and starting a fight. This is what planted the seeds for the Austin vs. McMahon war that went on for nearly two years. Tyson is named the enforcer referee for the title match, but joins DX in between. It was his involvement with Austin that is credited with putting the WWF over the top of WCW, so in the end this was a great move.
WWF World Title: Steve Austin vs. Shawn Michaels

If you didn’t get that, Mike Tyson is a guest referee and allegedly in Michaels’ pocket. Yep Austin is over. Austin and Tyson immediately get in each other’s faces. Tyson is actually the outside referee here which is probably better. He grabs at Austin’s foot just after the bell. As JR says, it don’t get no bigger than this. Austin flips Shawn off as we’re waiting around a bit before we get going.

Shawn scores with some fast punches and then runs like an intelligent lad. Here comes Austin though and we get the Heart Break reveal. Austin goes for the knee, I guess trying to get rid of Sweet Chin Music. Shawn, with his tights still pulled down, gets backdropped onto DX on the floor.

HHH jumps Austin on the floor but the referee doesn’t disqualify Shawn due to it being too easy of a way out. HHH and Chyna are sent to the back to a huge pop. Austin beats up HHH by the band area because he can. Shawn drills him with a clothesline for hurting his life partner though as this is your standard Attitude Era brawl.

Back in the ring Shawn gets caught coming off the top and here comes Austin again. Flair flip in the corner and Shawn is more or less dead. Atomic drop gets two for the bald one. Austin knocks him off the apron and Shawn’s head smacks into the table. That looked sick. Austin hammers away and the elbow gets two.

We hit the chinlock as it’s clear Shawn is far weaker than he usually would be. Shawn fights back though and it’s time for the ring post. Austin pulls Shawn in and Shawn’s head rams the post instead. Nice and simple counter there. We hit the floor and Austin is sent into the crowd via a backdrop. Shawn pops him in the head with the bell which the referee didn’t see. Tyson did though and is like “I want a new rubber duckie. I’ll name it Albert and I can bite his head off in the tub!”

Back in the ring with Shawn dominating completely. He hammers away on Austin while Tyson cheers Shawn on. Shawn flips off the crowd and limps around the ring. Austin gets a kind of spear and hammers away. Shawn goes flying to the floor again and his back must just be dead. He gets the leg of Austin around the post though to reestablish his dominance.

Shawn works on the knee for a good while as he’s trying to take away the Stunner I guess. That makes sense. According to JR that’s what he’s doing at least. Austin gets knocked into the table by Shawn and Tyson throws him back in. Here’s the Figure Four from Shawn as he channels his inner other old crippled dude.

The hold goes on for a good while but Austin reverses and Shawn lets it go. Austin catapults him into the post for two and it’s time for a sleeper from Shawn. Naturally the referee is bumped (with Shawn’s back going into his face that is) and Austin hammers away. Shawn gets the forearm (minus the jump but I can accept that) and nips up.

Top rope elbow looks to kill Austin but there’s no striped shirt wearing referee. Shawn starts to tune up the band as his face looks horrible from the pain in his back. Austin ducks the kick, Shawn blocks the Stunner, Austin catches the kick, Stunner, Tyson slides in and Austin wins his first title! JR: “The Austin Era has begun.” Perfect description. Tyson puts on an Austin shirt and knocks Shawn the heck out to end the show.

Rating: B+. We all pretty much knew who was going to win here, but we watched to see how Tyson would play in and how Austin would do it. Looking back now and knowing how much pain Shawn was in because of his back, this match goes way up in impressiveness for me.

You can tell when Shawn is selling and when he’s in real pain and it’s good to see that despite Shawn being a complete jerk backstage, he would go out and perform despite the pain he was in. I don’t care how big of a jerk he was, that takes guts. This match pretty much comes down to who is going to hit their big move first.

The match itself is much better than I remember it being. That’s not saying much because I, like most people, barely remember it. We all know the ending and the buildup, but that’s about it. Good, underrated match.­

Overall Rating: B+. If there’s ever been a show where the torch was completely passed, you’re looking at it. Austin winning the title finally is as about as important of an event as you can possibly have in company history. It launched the WWF ahead of WCW in the war, although that wouldn’t be official for a few more weeks, and it was also the last time Shawn would wrestle for nearly 5 years.

However, even with the Taker match, the solid work elsewhere and only two bad matches, you really do have an all around solid show. It’s not great, but it’s certainly worth checking out. Skip the Light Heavyweight match and about five minutes of Taker/Kane and you’ll love the rest of it in theory.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and head over to my Amazon author page with 30 different cheap wrestling books at:

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AND

Remember to check out Wrestlingrumors.net for all of your wrestling headline needs.

Royal Rumble 1999
Date: January 24, 1999
Location: Arrowhead Pond, Anaheim, California
Attendance: 14,816
Commentators: Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole

What did I ever do to you people? I try to give you all a variety of stuff and somehow I always wind up with freaking Russo. Isn’t me freaking out over 2000 WCW enough for your bloody thirsty evildoers? Anyway, it’s Austin vs. McMahon at #1 and #2, along with Rock being borderline criminal against Mankind in an I Quit match. Let’s get to it.

The opening video makes no secret of the fact that this is all about Austin vs. McMahon. The World Title match isn’t even mentioned.

Of note: the theme song here would become Vince’s theme for pretty much ever.

Road Dogg vs. Big Boss Man

Road Dogg is Hardcore Champion after beating Boss Man (half of the Tag Team Champions and part of the Corporation) to win the title. Therefore the solution: let them have a regular singles match. Ah the powers of Russo. Even Cole is trying to figure out why the Corporation wouldn’t want a chance to get a title. Boss Man is still one of the only people I’ve ever seen who stands on the bottom rope for his pre-match posing.

Dogg gets shoved down to start and we get an early hair pulling complaint. I hope he files the proper paperwork for that. Or he could just punch Boss Man in the face instead. Boss Man misses a charge in the corner and gets crotched as Lawler tries to explain why this isn’t a title match. I’ll give him points for trying but it really makes no sense. Boss Man gets more aggressive but is told this isn’t a hardcore match.

The distraction lets Dogg crotch Boss Man against the post but he punches and kicks Dogg down with ease. They’re clearly trying really hard to have a regular match but neither guy seems to know how to do it. We hit a bearhug from…..well from the person you would expect to use a bearhug in this match. Dogg actually raises the roof to get the crowd on his side but gets dropped with a knee to the ribs.

The referee checking on Dogg allows Boss Man to unhook the turnbuckle pad and we’re just waiting on it to come back and cost him. Boss Man wins another slugout but gets caught in a sleeper. That goes nowhere so Dogg has to slam him off the top and it’s slugout the fourth. A flying forearm and the shaky knee get two for Dogg but he walks into the Boss Man Slam for the fast pin.

Rating: D. So their big idea was to have one of their most popular acts wrestle a style out of his element against an opponent not capable of wrestling that style and then lose. I’ve said it before but it deserves repeating: Vince Russo is really not that bright when it comes to putting together shows.

We recap Billy Gunn vs. Ken Shamrock. Gunn had, ahem, exposed himself to to Shamrock’s sister Ryan. Ken went psycho (again) and set this up with his Intercontinental Title on the line.

Intercontinental Title: Ken Shamrock vs. Billy Gunn

Gunn is challenging but has a bad ankle coming in. Shamrock is the part of the Corporation and the other half of the Tag Team Champions. It’s actually Gunn being the aggressor to start by choking Ken down while Lawler is in full on heel mode here, completely supporting Shamrock for wanting to destroy Billy. A clothesline and delayed vertical get two for Gunn but he misses a charge and goes shoulder first into the post.

Shamrock slowly kicks away until he ducks his head and gets caught in a Fameasser for two. So what exactly is Gunn’s finisher then, as that was treated like a nothing move. Gunn misses a charge and falls out to the floor so Ken can send him hands first into the post. I say first falsely implying that any other part of his body hit the post as well.

Shamrock takes some time to jaw with the fans, allowing Billy to come back with something like a Stroke off the apron and onto the announcers’ table. Well at least that looked good. Back in and Ken starts going after the ankle nearly ten minutes into the match. We get some very slow kicks to the ankle as Cole can’t remember Gunn ever submitting. Uh, right. Anyway, Shamrock pulls him down by the hair and gets two off a fisherman’s suplex.

The referee gets bumped and a double clothesline puts Gunn and Shamrock down as well. Cue Val Venis, who had recent issues with Shamrock, to take the champion down with a DDT. Gunn makes his comeback as there are fans in towels doing Val’s gyrations in the crowd. Billy hurts his ankle again coming off the top and the ankle lock retains Ken’s title.

Rating: D+. Off the top of my head, I can’t remember a less necessary run in. It didn’t change anything and they could have done the exact same finish without Venis coming out there. On top of that, the fans are actually pretty quiet. Believe it or not, there isn’t a lot of interest in thirty five minutes of a thrown together nothing team beating one of the most popular teams of all time in back to back matches.

Shane McMahon tries to fire up his dad for tonight.

European Title: X-Pac vs. Gangrel

X-Pac is defending of course. Feeling out process to start, which isn’t the smartest move in the world for a match that isn’t likely to go more than six minutes. X-Pac quickly takes him down and drops a leg for two. It’s already time for the rapid fire kicks in the corner but the Bronco Buster only hits corner. Gangrel is smart enough to follow up with a belly to belly for two and we hit a quick chinlock.

That goes nowhere so Gangrel throws him into the air and into a big crash, only to miss a top rope…..we’ll say elbow. X-Pac starts his comeback with a pair of spinwheel kicks because he’s a man of limited awesome. The champ tries a high cross body but Gangrel rolls through for a three but the referee says two anyway.

Lawler actually has a good explanation by saying the first count was for X-Pac’s cover and the other two were for Gangrel. That’s not what happened but it’s as logical of an explanation as they were going to find. Back up and Gangrel tries to throw X-Pac into the air, only to get pulled down into the X Factor to retain the title.

Rating: C-. Actually not bad here with Gangrel being a totally serviceable worker most of the time. That being said, there’s almost no story here as the announcers didn’t have any reason for these two to be fighting. At least the fans finally had something to cheer for a change though as it’s been a lot of energy killing losses so far.

DX says they’re a family but tonight it’s every man (and woman according to Chyna) for themselves.

Here’s Shane McMahon to introduce Luna Vachon, who he says is winning the Women’s Title due to Sable having a bad back. Sable comes out and says ring the bell. I have no idea what connection Shane has to this feud and the announcers didn’t seem to bother explaining the story.

Women’s Title: Luna Vachon vs. Sable

Sable is defending and this is a strap match. Luna bails to the floor to start but gets pulled face first into the post. Back in and Sable chokes away as Shane calls Luna hot. Sable can only get two buckles though until Luna pulls her down. That earns Sable a whipping and some kicks in the corner, only to have Luna hit a quick backbreaker.

Luna starts dragging her around to three buckles with Sable slapping them as they go. Of course Luna doesn’t notice because wrestling logic is screwy. Sable flips over Luna and goes for the fourth buckle but Shane gets on the apron for a distraction, which somehow doesn’t count as a break in the momentum. Not that it matters as Sable’s insane fan jumps the barricade and decks Luna, allowing Sable to hit the fourth buckle and retain the title.

Rating: F+. I really can’t stand these gimmick matches getting less than five minutes but they’re a Russo staple. The problem here is there’s no real reason to have all these stories going on, along with no time to build up any drama and advance the story of the match. In other words, it’s too little material in too little time and it drags the whole thing down.

The Corporation debates over who gets to eliminate Austin and win the $100,000 bounty Vince has put on his head tonight.

We recap Mankind vs. the Rock. Mankind won the title on January 4 and Rock wanted a rematch. He offered various stipulations to Mankind before saying he quit trying. That was enough to get Mankind to agree because he knew he would never quit. Therefore it’s time for an I Quit match for the title. Mankind summed it up very simply with a question to Rock: “How does it feel to be in a match you can’t win and I can’t lose?”

A fired up Rock guarantees to win because he’s just that awesome. Watching Beyond the Mat has kind of ruined this for me as it showed Mankind standing about two feet away while Rock was talking here.

WWF World Title: The Rock vs. Mankind

Mankind is defending and this is an I Quit match. Also of note, Mankind had to face Mabel (Viscera) on Sunday Night Heat, resulting in a bad rib injury. Rock gets pounded into the corner to start and Mankind hits his running knee to the head. Some right hands won’t make Rock quit yet though so Mankind hits him with the microphone. They head outside with Mankind going knees first into the steps in one of his trademark bumps. Is there any shock that he can barely walk around today?

Rock goes over to do commentary so Mankind blasts him in the head with a chair, only to draw another no. The Mandible Claw knocks Rock mostly out but he won’t quit. Mankind tries to take him into the crowd but charges into a belly to belly right back over the barricade for a big crash. Back to ringside with Rock loading up a Rock Bottom through the Spanish announce table but it quickly breaks under their weight. Since it wasn’t really worse for either guy, Mankind is right back up and sending Rock into the post.

The fight goes up the aisle with Rock shrugging off right hands and DDTing the champ on the floor. For some reason Rock thinks it’s smart to bring in a ladder but a hard shot still won’t make Mankind quit. Rock climbs the ladder next to the technical area and Mankind follows him up to a little catwalk. A low blow stops Mankind and Rock rams him off the stand and onto the equipment, causing an explosion and the loss of the arena lights.

The match basically stops as Shane comes out but Rock says there’s not going to be a doctor because Mankind is going to quit. Mankind can barely move so Rock drags him back to the ring as this is now a much slower pace. With nothing else working, Rock handcuffs Mankind behind his back and it’s about to get ugly.

Some right hands and rams into the buckle have Mankind bleeding but he kicks Rock low to get a breather. Another low blow has Rock in trouble (and the receding hairline doesn’t do him much good either) but of course he won’t quit. A clothesline puts Mankind down and now it’s time to get scary.

Rock puts a chair over Mankind’s face for a People’s elbow but he still won’t quit. Now we get the infamous part of the match as Rock hits him a ridiculous eleven straight times in the head with Mankind not being able to defend himself in the slightest. Even Lawler says that’s enough after two shots. Mankind is completely out as Rock puts the mic to his mouth and a recording of Mankind’s voice from weeks ago says he quits to give Rock the title back.

Rating: B-. That ending is too much to take and is almost more brutal than the Cell match against Undertaker. The beating just kept going and going with Mankind looking weaker and weaker every time. Apparently Rock hit him about three times as much as he was supposed to and Foley’s family was terrified (justly so) over what they saw. The rest of the match is good enough but the ending is one of the scariest things you’ll ever see in wrestling, or anywhere for that matter.

We recap Austin vs. Vince which just happens to be taking place in the Royal Rumble. There’s no secret about the fact that this is all about those two and to be fair that’s the only thing anyone wanted to see. Austin is #1 and Vince is #2, meaning we’re going to see them for at least ninety seconds. Vince has also put a $100,000 bounty on Austin’s head, in case you didn’t have enough stories going on yet.

Also earlier tonight, Austin crushed some cars with his monster truck and then beat up the Stooges in the arena. I’m not sure what that adds to anything but it’s a thing that happened. As usual, such is life in Russo’s WWF.

Royal Rumble

Austin is in at #1 and Vince is in at #2 and the intervals are ninety seconds. Fink takes FOREVER to do the full rules and Lawler is telling him to shut up. Fair point too as he’s explaining what does and does not constitute eliminations. Of note here, we get the debut of Vince’s chiseled physique which was a real shock as no one had ever seen his arms before. Austin pounds away to start (shocking I know) but opts not to throw Vince out as Golga (Earthquake in a mask as part of the Oddities, which is one of the most bizarre character changes I’ve ever seen) is in at #3.

Golga goes after Austin but gets dumped in fifteen seconds. Vince bails under the ropes and goes into the crowd to give us a chase scene. They fight into the concourse as Droz is #4 and this is where the match starts to fall apart. If Austin and Vince are going to fight through the back, why have Golga get eliminated when you could do Golga vs. Droz? It’s not much (save for a battle of really strange names) but at the moment, the fans in the arena are paying to see Droz stand around doing absolutely nothing.

This is even more proof that Russo is a good idea man but has no idea how to run an actual show. It’s not even a complicated concept: you need to give the fans something to watch. I know there are more people on the other side of the camera but you can’t forget the people who paid money to come see you. It’s poor planning and shows a severe lack of thinking, which is Russo in part of a nutshell.

Speaking of Russo, we see Austin getting beaten down by the Corporation until the camera cuts off. That means we cut back to Droz who is….standing there. Yeah this is really what you’re paying to see: a guy standing in the ring doing nothing. Edge comes in at #5 to give us something but the fans are now dead because they’ve lost Austin and Vince (neither of whom were eliminated) but they’re stuck with two uninteresting guys that have no chance of winning.

After nothing of note, here’s Gillberg (with full Goldberg entrance) at #6 to keep this stupid. Gillberg is out in just a few seconds as we cut to Austin unconscious in the ladies room. Steve Blackman is in at #7 as Austin is stretchered out. The clock is flying by now as they need to get some action going to revive the crowd. Dan Severn is in at #8 as the lack of star power is already making this horrible.

We see Austin going into the ambulance, which to be fair is more interesting than four nothings (remember that Edge wasn’t a big thing for a long time to come) wasting time in the ring. Tiger Ali Singh, one of the biggest misfires you’ll ever seen, is in at #9. Blue Meanie is in at #10 and we’re somehow a third of the way through this.

After Austin and Vince, the biggest name in the match so far has been…..geez I guess Droz. What this match needed was a midcard act to clean out the deadwood (Shamrock perhaps) until some popular act (maybe the Outlaws) came in to balance him out. Put Shamrock in at about #8 and the Outlaws in at about #13 and #16 respectfully, then pick up the pace again later on. But no, let’s have this huge bunch of nothing in the ring to kill the crowd until we get back to Austin vs. Vince at the end because Heaven forbid Russo come up with anything besides one idea.

There’s no one at #11 but we cut to the back (again) to see Mabel destroying Mosh and taking his spot. Blackman and Severn are quickly put out with Singh following them a few seconds later. Road Dogg is in at #12 to FINALLY give the fans someone they care about. Meanie is dumped as well, leaving us Edge, Mabel and Road Dogg in the ring.

Edge is eliminated a few seconds later but there go the lights because we haven’t had an angle in a few seconds. It’s the Ministry of Darkness (is there a reason Undertaker isn’t on this card?) to eliminate Mabel and here’s Undertaker to hypnotize him, leading to Mabel becoming Viscera. Therefore, we have ANOTHER lull as Dogg is all alone.

Gangrel is in at #13 and doesn’t last thirty seconds, giving us the third lull of the first half of the match. Add that to the fact that save for Austin and McMahon who haven’t been seen in twenty minutes, the first eleven entrants are already gone, making the first third of the match completely worthless. Kurrgan is in at #14 and beats on the Dogg until Al Snow is in at #15, only to be eliminated in less than a minute.

Goldust is in at #16 to interrupt Dogg vs. Kurrgan II. Dogg knocks both of them down and gets the fans breathing again with a SUCK IT. Here’s Godfather at #17 as it occurs to me that three of these people will be Intercontinental Champion in less than three months. They go from boring everyone here to having a title in that span of time. Again, only Russo.

Kane is in at #18 to FINALLY give us someone who might have a prayer of a chance at winning this thing. He clears the ring in thirty seconds but here are people from the mental institution to reclaim Kane, who eliminates himself and runs through the crowd. So yeah, we now have NO ONE IN THE RING, meaning that when Shamrock comes in at #19, he has nothing to do but stand around as we wait for an opponent. Oh wait Vince comes back to do commentary as we’re just sitting around.

As we wait, allow me to point out that save for the first two, the first eighteen entrants have all been eliminated, making nearly two thirds of the match completely worthless. Billy Gunn comes in at #20, wearing one boot. Heaven forbid we get anything going through as Shamrock takes him down with a kick to the bad ankle. Gunn throws him into the corner for a break but Ken goes after the ankle again.

Test is in at #21 but let’s cut to Mabel being put in a hearse. As luck would have it, an ambulance pulls in with Austin driving, because he was able to wake up, commandeer the ambulance, and drive back here in the span of half an hour. We FINALLY go back to the ring where Gunn low blows both guys. Big Boss Man is in at #22 to line up the Corporation members for Austin, who comes down and chases Vince off. Shamrock is quickly dumped and Vince is back on commentary.

It’s HHH at #23 as you can see the star power starting up because we couldn’t have them in there earlier in the match because of whatever reasons. People start taking worthless shots at Austin, who blasts Gunn with a hard clothesline. Val Venis is in at #24 and Austin dumps Gunn, giving us Vince, Austin, Test, Venis, Boss Man and HHH. X-Pac is in at #25 as Lawler wants to know why no one is going after Austin. Fair point, but the answer would be “because the script says they shouldn’t.”

X-Pac kicks Austin in the face and it’s Mark Henry at #26 to a far bigger reaction than you would expect. Jeff Jarrett is in at #27 as there’s just nothing going on between these entrants. The stupidity continues as X-Pac is the only one going after Austin and it’s likely not even due to the money. D’Lo Brown is #28, still feeling guilty for making Terri Runnels suffer a miscarriage. Austin easily dumps Test and Boss Man gets rid of X-Pac a few seconds later.

Henry clotheslines HHH and Jarrett goes after Austin, prompting Vince to praise him in something that sounds bizarre today. HHH gets rid of Jarrett and it’s Owen Hart taking his place at #29. Owen and Brown double team Austin until HHH makes the save, presumably to get all the money for himself. Austin slips to the floor and throws water at Vince. Chyna is the first woman in the history of the Rumble at #30 and immediately dumps Henry. That earns her an elimination from Austin and we’re down to Austin, Vince, HHH, Venis, Brown, Boss Man and Owen.

We get Austin vs. HHH in a fall preview but HHH has to eliminate Venis. Austin uses the distraction to Stun HHH and toss him, leaving us with four in the ring. Brown misses a dropkick on Austin (why are these two fighting in the final five of the Royal Rumble?) and everything slows down AGAIN. Owen enziguris Austin but gets backdropped out. Boss Man punches Austin down and D’Lo hits the Low Down, only to have Boss Man throw him out.

A Stunner is enough to get rid of Boss Man and we’re down to Austin vs. Vince. Well of course we are. They fight on the floor (read as Austin beats him up even more) before Vince hits a quick low blow instead. That earns him a Stunner but Rock comes out for a distraction, allowing Vince to dump Austin and win the Rumble.

Rating: F. Do I even need to explain this one? You had Austin, possibly at the peak of his popularity, and even he couldn’t get anything out of the fans. It’s further proof that you can’t just treat your fans like garbage the entire night and then expect them to pop for your one idea.

On top of that, these shows continue to not be able to hold up. Can you imagine if this happened today? No one would buy Vince as keeping the title shot because there was no way that could happen. This result was designed to get people to watch Raw the next night to see how Austin was going to get out of this one. That’s fine at the time, but it really doesn’t hold up on a second viewing in the slightest.

It really is amazing when you consider that Russo somehow put together the worst Royal Rumble ever, followed by maybe the worst Wrestlemania of all time just two months later. Why in the world would someone think that he should be given even more power and authority? This was one of the biggest disasters I’ve ever seen and it’s almost painful to sit through all over again.

Shane and the Stooges come out to celebrate, meaning it’s time for beers. This goes on for a bit until a two minute highlight package takes us out.

Overall Rating: F+. Let’s recap here. On a six match card, you had two face wins with X-Pac and Gangrel. In other words, the face wins came in the most meaningless matches on the card. As I said in the redos of some WCW pay per views, you have to give the fans something to cheer for. This was one of the worst major shows I can remember in a long time and it’s almost all because of Russo not knowing how to write a wrestling show. This is one of those rare shows with almost nothing positive going on and it’s really amazing that they actually put this on and expected people to be entertained.

Ratings Comparison

Big Boss Man vs. Road Dogg

Original: C-

2013 Redo: C-

2016 Redo: D

Ken Shamrock vs. Billy Gunn

Original: D+

2013 Redo: C+

2016 Redo: D+

X-Pac vs. Gangrel

Original: B-

2013 Redo: C+

2016 Redo: C-

Sable vs. Luna Vachon

Original: F

2013 Redo: D

2016 Redo: F+

The Rock vs. Mankind

Original: B

2013 Redo: B

2016 Redo: B-

Royal Rumble

Original: F

2013 Redo: F

2016 Redo: F

Overall Rating

Original: D-

2013 Redo: D

2016 Redo: F+

Here’s the original review if you’re interested:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2011/01/18/royal-rumble-count-up-1999-please-make-it-stop/

And the original redo:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2013/01/12/royal-rumble-count-up-2013-redo-1999-disturbing-to-watch-for-multiple-reasons/

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the paperback edition of KB’s Complete 2004 Monday Night Raw Reviews (also available as an e-book) from Amazon. Check out the information here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2019/08/26/new-book-and-e-book-kbs-complete-2004-monday-night-raw-reviews/

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Royal Rumble 1999
Date: January 24, 1999
Location: Arrowhead Pond, Anaheim, California
Attendance: 14,800
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler

The company is in full control of the Monday Night Wars at this point as WCW is managing to find ways previously unimaginable to mess up their company. We’re about three weeks after the Fingerpoke of Doom here, so to say the people are annoyed with WCW is an understatement. In essence, the WWF has a free show here where they can more or less do whatever they want as long as the ending works and they’ll be praised for it.

Your two big things going on at the moment are obviously Vince vs. Austin and then the great but kind of forgotten feud of Mankind, the reigning WWF Champion here, vs. Rock in the I Quit match. The company has also started to shape itself for the future, as people like the Hardys, Edge and Christian, Val Venis and Test are all around now.

They’re not a big deal yet, but it’s coming. There’s a $100,000 bounty on Austin’s head from Vince tonight in the Rumble, so it’s in essence Austin vs. the world. That sounds decent so let’s get to it.

Personal story: on this night I was coming home from Winchester which was 30 minutes from Lexington. Halfway my dad’s car broke down and we had to walk an hour to get to a house to use a phone and I missed the show. The feed was messed up so the show didn’t air anyway but I was ticked. My dad had said that the car having 250,000 miles on it wasn’t a problem at all and he didn’t need a mechanic. Good to know pop.

Before we start we get an exclusive interview with Road Dogg saying he’s working twice tonight. Boss Man says he wants the bounty. He never should be allowed to talk. Mark Henry wants the money as well. Jarrett uses the term storylines which just doesn’t sound right for some reason. Him talking about Austin is just amusing as Austin is the reason Jarrett is gone from the company forever.

Allegedly Jarrett and Austin were in a smaller company together once and Austin wasn’t happy with his pay and he was looking at his check one night. Jarrett said that it’s not going to get any bigger by staring at it, which Austin took as Jarrett saying Austin wasn’t working hard enough.

Austin got the top spot in the WWF and made sure Jarrett was never allowed back. Once WCW went under, Jarrett started TNA since he had nowhere else to go. Cornette talks about Chyna being #30 and says she’s in for a surprise but never says that she can’t do it which is a nice little touch.

The video says that Austin has No Chance, which is also the theme song for tonight. In case you didn’t know, that’s where Vince got the song from. Oh I forgot: Shawn was Commissioner at this time. Austin will be #1 and Vince will be #2 in the Rumble so there we are. Vince’s acting was pretty good back then actually. After our standard intros we’re ready to go.

Road Dogg vs. Big Boss Man

Roadie is face now while Boss Man is head of security for Vince’s Corporate Team. I swear you needed a scorecard to keep track of all this stuff back in the day. Dogg gets a hugs pop here as he’s got the intro down. He’s hardcore champion here but this is nontitle. Dogg wasn’t a great wrestler, but he found something that worked for him and he RAN with it.

Boss Man and Shamrock are tag champions here but they would lose them the next night to Jarrett and Owen. Boss Man tries to scare him and is told what to do which involves an imbibing of Road Dogg’s….yeah. The crowd is way hot here. In something unrelated, Mankind got beaten up in a match with Mable on Heat that will come into play later. The announcers can’t figure out why the Corporation didn’t make this for the Hardcore Title.

Naturally this is mostly a brawl, which granted I guess makes sense given who is in there. Lawler asks if Cole ever exercises his right to be silent. Cole transitions into saying Vince has been exercising to get ready for tonight. Wow. This is more or less all Boss Man. While choking Road Dogg on the ropes, Boss Man shouts to Lawler. He’s WAY too loud here and is clearly miked up. Jerry is full blown heel here which is what he was best at so there we are.

Roadie starts his comeback and hits the really stupid three punches called the Shake Rattle and Roll for two because no one with any self esteem would get pinned by that. Boss Man hits the slam out of nowhere for the pin. I mean he was down and being covered and Road Dogg came off the ropes and got hit with it.

Cole offers a pearl of wisdom by saying that this would have been different had it been under hardcore rules. In other words, he’s saying if it had been different it would have been different. Ladies and gentlemen I give you the voice of Raw!

Rating: C-. It was kind of long but very standard stuff. There’s nothing special here, which I think was kind of the problem. Either way, I think this worked pretty well given what they had as Boss Man was little more than a joke while Road Dogg was a gimmick wrestler. Given what they had to work with, this went as well as possible.

We get a quick recap of Billy vs. Shamrock. More or less, Billy hit on Shamrock’s very hot “sister” to get us this match.

Intercontinental Title: Billy Gunn vs. Ken Shamrock

So wait. Why did they go with the two singles matches here? You have the most popular tag team in the company and have them face the tag champions in back to back singles matches? I get that the titles were going to Owen and Jeff the next night, but you couldn’t have a cheating heel win here? The Outlaws were always better as a team, yet they’re going single here. I don’t understand that one at all.

Shamrock had some great facials most of the time. He looked freaking insane and it helped his character a lot. After some bad punches to start, Cole says that a clothesline Shamrock hits was unreal. No, I’m pretty sure he hit him with it. Less than two minutes into this and we’re in a chinlock. That can’t be a good sign. Ken literally kicks Gunn to the floor. After going outside and Billy literally missing the post, we go through about 8 minutes of pure average stuff.

It’s not great, it’s not horrible, but it’s just average all around. That means it’s kind of interesting but at the same time you might as well not even be watching at all. In a move that stuns, yes STUNS I say, the world, the referee goes down. They desperately tried to make Gunn a big deal time after time and it never worked, just like here. Venis runs out and nails Shamrock because they were also feuding over his sister.

I can’t blame them as she was hot. Billy somehow botches a running splash. How can you do that? He jumped early I think. How is that possible? After going to the top and missing, Billy hurts his ankle. Guess what happens. Ok so let’s see: storyline based on sex, rather pointless run in, illogical booking as Gunn had all the momentum in the world coming up to this, and an overly long brawl. If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear this was a Russo match. And by George, IT WAS!

Rating: D+. Again, this was the same as the last one was: kind of pointless. Why did these guys need almost 15 minutes? Why not just give the fans what they want, as in the Outlaws as a team? There’s zero reason here to have them both in singles matches here when another team is going to get the title shot the next night. Why not, maybe Owen and Jeff get singles matches here? Are you telling me that Owen vs. Shamrock wouldn’t be better than Shamrock vs. Billy?

In the back the Stooges and Shane are trying to pump up Vince. The heat here on Vince is unreal.

European Title: Gangrel vs. X-Pac

Don’t waste your time looking for a reason for this as it doesn’t exist. Random title matches aren’t always bad though. Good grief that music was beyond awesome. Take that New Moon. It’s coming out in two days so I’m a bit annoyed with it. This feels like a match from Attitude or War Zone or something. Those are way old school video games in case you don’t know those names. It’s weird to think that Gangrel was the leader of the Brood yet has had by far the least success.

Both of these guys have a thing for sucking so at least there’s a theme. X-Pac is called the greatest European Champion ever. I’m not touching that one. We have our first heart reference. I’m actually liking this match. They’re keeping it simple, which is what I think this title is best at. It never really was a huge deal but it was played well I think. Gangrel is limited in the ring so they’re keeping it simple. Naturally that’s all thrown out the window with another big heart reference and the Bronco Buster.

I hate that move. It looks stupid, it wouldn’t be that effective, and above all else: IT LOOKS FREAKING STUPID! Seriously, what was the appeal of that thing? X-Pac shows off his versatile offense by using his third spin kick in less than 4 minutes.

We get a decent little screw up from Teddy Long as Gangrel reverses a cross body and Long accidentally counts three with Pac’s shoulder up at about two and a quarter. He waves it off and the fans just let him have it. Soon thereafter we finish as Gangrel tries to throw Pac into the air but he counters with a huge X Factor to end it. Sweet ending there.

Rating: B-. This was actually good. They did the smart thing here and kept it simple which is the best solution sometimes. Why over complicate something that’s fine the way it is? It was a decent time at just under five minutes and for a token title match, this was just fine.

DX is in the back and say that tonight it’s every man for himself. Chyna, who I would do lots of evil things to if she looked like that now, says or woman for herself.

Shane comes out to pure generic music as No Chance wasn’t the official song yet. He introduces Luna. For some reason he hated Sable at this time for no apparent reason.

Women’s Title: Sable vs. Luna

This is a strap match. Why is it a strap match? I don’t have the slightest clue but that’s the Attitude Era for you. Luna hurt Sable earlier so apparently we have no match. Sable’s bad acting is almost funny. She just won the title in a match where again it was all about her being pretty and having nothing to do with talent or anything like that. Luna was good in the ring but she never got a freaking run with the title because of the witches like Sable.

Sable says the match is on, making the segment with Shane completely pointless. Oh geez it’s a corners match so this could be awhile. It’s very difficult not to make strap on jokes here. Shane says this is about Sable taking advantage of his father. I shudder to think of what that might imply.

Since this is a strap match, the ending is one person touching all three corners with the other following and doing the same then the ending. In this case, Tori, who was just known as Sable’s stalker at this point, nails Luna to keep the belt on Sable and keeping us all in this hell world.

Rating: F. There was nothing of note here and we had to put up with Luna’s unshapely figure. It wasn’t much at all and lasted like 4 minutes. This was a waste of time with Sable of course being made to look great as she always did.

In the back the Corporation is talking about the match tonight. Shamrock is REALLY short.

We hit the recap of Rock and Mankind. The idea here is that Mankind took the title in the night where Tony Schiavone said that he did, causing a ton of people to change the channel. Rock wanted a rematch and listed off all kinds of stipulations that Foley refused to agree to.

Finally Rock said he quit and Foley shouted that he accepted Rock’s challenge of an I Quit match. He followed that up by summarizing this match perfectly: “Rock, how does it feel going into a match that you can’t win?” That’s your match right there. This was a great recap of a great feud that’s kind of overlooked which is a shame.

Rock says he’ll win in a lot more words than that.

WWF Title: Rock vs. Mankind

This match is notoriously difficult to watch due to what happens in it, but let’s get going. As Foley comes to the ring we see a clip from earlier in the show where he had a “warm up” match on Heat with Mabel who hit some splashes on him to soften him up. Remember when Heat used to actually mean something? I miss those days. Almost right off the bat we get a great line from Lawler. Cole says that he can’t see Mankind saying I Quit.

Lawler says you don’t see it you idiot. Note: Foley’s family is at ringside. Mankind is completely dominating at this point. That ends after the knees to the steps spot that always looks ridiculously painful. Rock gets on a headset during the match which is another thing that he always did which was at least entertaining. This is brutal already. We get the sock 5 minutes into the match. How brilliant of an idea was that?

It’s something so completely stupid and basic but it caught fire like few other things ever have. Rock goes out from it so Foley starts talking on the mic that the referee carries and says he’s going to split open that ridiculous eyebrow. We hit the crowd and now we’re ready to go. Foley is way over at this point and was more or less the champion of the people which was the reason the people’s champion thing for Rock worked so well. It really was amusing.

Rock gets the bell and the hammer and puts the bell to Foley’s head and rings it. You know, instead of hitting him with the bell or the hammer. Rock tries to Rock Bottom him through the Spanish table but it breaks. It went off prematurely. This is working because it’s Mankind who was supposed to be just a guy that wouldn’t quit no matter what against a great athlete like the Rock. I’m completely buying into the idea here, which granted it might be that Foley is my all time favorite wrestler.

We’re up by the entry way now as Lawler channels Gordon Solie. A DDT on the floor doesn’t make Foley give up. Rock pulls out a ladder which would kind of foreshadow one of their next gimmick matches. They go up a ladder for no apparent reason and fight on something like a scaffold. Rock hits a running shot and Foley goes into the equipment and gets electrocuted, prompting the lights to go out and Cole to shout out Christ Almighty. That’s a bit much.

Apparently Foley may be dead despite rolling around on the floor and making noise. Shane comes out too as if nothing else they’re doing a good job of making this look serious. Rock says no doctors because Foley is going to say he quits no matter what. I love how Rock says the words I Quit while talking there so technically he just lost the match.

Foley is more or less dead as they go back to the ring. While he’s laying on the mat, Cole asks how he can stand. That got me to roll my eyes at the stupidity of it, as Rock gets handcuffs and we move into the segment that’s been called the most brutal in company history. Foley can get his hands up and Rock just goes nuts with all kinds of free shots. In an impressive sequence, Foley gets the advantage despite having no free hands. That’s very cool to see actually.

And Rock gets a chair. Oh this isn’t going to be easy to sit through. With Foley on the mat, Rock puts the chair over his head and drops the elbow, which apparently shatters Foley’s skull. So, an elbow to the chair which is laying on his head cracked his skull but being rammed into all kinds of things didn’t? I can’t stand Cole. Anyway, Rock has the chair, and starts swinging at Foley’s head with it.

You have to remember, Foley’s hands and arms are useless at this point. He can’t get them up to even cushion the blow at all. The original plan was for Rock to hit him I think 3 times with it and then Foley would be out cold and they would do the finish. However, Rock didn’t do that. He wouldn’t put the mic near Foley for the finish so Mick had to just keep getting up. Rock hits him with literally t0 shots, all unprotected to the head.

He has chances to hit him in the back or anywhere else where at least it wouldn’t have looked as bad, but Rock went for the head every time. You can tell the announcers are having a real problem with this as even Lawler who has been behind Rock all night long is saying that’s enough in that voice of his where you can tell he’s being legit about something. Rock hits perhaps the sickest looking chair shot I’ve ever seen to the back of Foley’s head to knock him down again. Foley is DEAD.

Rock says a bunch of stuff on the mic and then shoves it at his mouth, and a prerecorded tape of Foley screaming I QUIT from a promo a few weeks ago plays to give Rock the title again. This was really confusing at the time as Foley was clearly out cold yet the voice was really loud.

I had missed that segment from Raw so I was confused as hell. Anyway, this was absolutely brutal at the end and Foley was legit messed up bad from this match. Rock had to give him a big apology for it and I don’t think Foley’s family has been to a live match of his since, which I can’t blame them at all for.

Rating: B. This really was a solid match. The gimmick aspect was indeed brilliant as Foley would never say he quit and in the match he didn’t. The chair shots were WAY too much as everyone was clearly not comfortable with how far Rock took that.

Foley and Rock had great chemistry together and you could see it every time they were on the screen together. There was no need to go that far with it though and it showed clearly. Foley would get the belt back in 2-3 weeks at Halftime Heat before losing it in a ladder match on Raw that no one remembers.

We talk about the Rumble and the bounty because the 12 promos about them weren’t enough. Also we get a long video about Vince vs. Austin which we know already as well.

Royal Rumble

Like has also been said all night, Austin is first and Vince is second. The intervals are 90 seconds this year, which means about 75 in reality. Howard takes WAY too long for the rules which draws all kinds of heckling from Lawler. Literally, he talks for over a minute. Vince has no music at this point which just is odd as hell. This is the first time we’ve ever seen Vince with his shirt off so the physique is something unheard of.

Of course Austin beats the living hell out of Vince and the crowd is on fire for it. Austin drops an F bomb by mistake which means nothing. This right here should have been the main event of Wrestlemania. Golga, more commonly known as John Tenta or Earthquake is 3rd. The fans are dancing with him if nothing else. Golga jumps Austin after a Thesz Press but is gone in about 10 seconds as Vince and Austin hit the floor and run away through the crowd.

Austin is so ridiculously popular it’s scary. Droz, a very sad story indeed, is 4th and because of the brilliant booking so far, has nothing to do but stand in the ring and wait on someone to fight. In the back we see Austin chase Vince into a bathroom where the Corporation is conveniently waiting on him to beat the hell out of him. After about 20 seconds, Edge is fifth. Remember that Austin and Vince are still in this but they’re just not here at the moment.

Edge and Droz get something going so we don’t have an empty ring. If nothing else they’re two young and mostly over guys that are getting a chance to show what they can do. The problem is no one cares and there’s no way anyone but Austin or Vince will win this thing, which is the problem with the Rumble as a whole. About a minute after Edge is in Gillberg, who might be the funniest gimmick is in at 6th.

In case you don’t know he was a parody of Goldberg, complete with holding sparklers and having fake chants piped in, but unlike WCW, they pushed them as fake. Edge drops him in about 8 seconds. We cut to the Corporation beating on Austin, because that’s far more important than what’s going on in the ring. Don’t you love Russo? Seventh is Steve Blackman as we’re in jobber land already.

Hey, let’s go back to that bathroom because we haven’t done that enough lately, as Austin is being put on a stretcher and taken away. Droz is trying to be part of the LOD at this point, as Hawk was just a mess in real life and in storylines. Dan Severn is number 8, because we need another glorified jobber here. He held the NWA title for years, having to drop it because of MMA stuff. Austin is shown AGAIN, this time being taken to an ambulance.

They mess up and catch him moving his arm just because we have to be real or something, which makes no sense but nothing on this show does so there we are. Tiger Ali Singh is ninth. Think Million Dollar Man meets Muhammad Hassan minus any semblance of talent. Time for an Austin cut, as he’s leaving the arena. Apparently the eight minutes or so that Droz and Edge have been fighting constitutes a long time. Blue Meanie is 10th as we’re flying through this tour of jobber ville.

He’s in the Job Squad here in case you’re that bored. Apparently the Brood and the Job Squad are feuding. Yes, that’s correct: two more or less useless factions are feuding, and still no one cares about either of them. Brood had cool music if nothing else though. Maybe 40 seconds after Meanie,

Mable is 11th, but he doesn’t come out just yet because it was supposed to be Mosh. Mabel attacks him so he can take his place. IT’S DRAMA TIME! I’m quite bored here so I have to make fun of stuff where I can. He’s gimmickless here and is just beating on people. He puts out Tiger, Blackman and Severn in about 10 seconds. Oh come on. After MAYBE 30 seconds Road Dogg is next.

They’re just saying forget it with the time here. Everyone but Edge and Mabel are gone so it’s Road Dogg, Mabel and Edge and never mind as Edge is gone now. They go at it but the lights go out and we have Taker music. We come back to have the APA and Mideon beating on Mabel to put him out. Taker, in full demon priest mode here, looks at Mabel and I guess hypnotizes him or something as he is beaten down.

He would become Viscera the next night which was his character for the rest of his career as still no one would care. This was WAY over the top and yet again, we have one person in the ring. Remember, Austin and Vince are still in. Gangrel, rocking his awesome music, is 12th. The people in the front row dancing badly to his music is funny. Other than Austin and Vince, Road Dogg is the biggest star in here so far.

Gangrel is out in about 12 seconds, so we have nothing going on again. Rock on Russo! This is riveting, RIVETING I SAY! They just drop the clock again as about 30 seconds pass before Kurrgan of the Oddities is 14th. I really hate this match. Seriously, we’re halfway through this thing almost and we’re watching Kurrgan vs. Road Dogg. Al Snow gets us to 15 as I flip through my DVD collection since it’s far more interesting to look at match listings that I’ve already seen before.

Snow lost Head for some stupid reason that likely went nowhere. Dogg puts him out in about 45 seconds. We get Road Dogg vs. Kurrgan for the 2nd time tonight as Rock and Austin are in danger of being passed for best feud ever. Goldust is next as he’s entered that point in his career where no one cares about him as he’s just Goldust. There’s nothing freaky about him anymore and he’s just a guy in gold that no one really cares about.

The last ten here better be freaking AMAZING. Dogg mocks Goldust and sets up for Shattered Dreams, but we can’t have Dogg beat up anyone so Kurrgan saves him. Godfather is 17th as we’re thankfully flying through this. Of course he’s got Hos with him which gets a bigger pop than anything else as I’m suddenly ashamed of being a fan of the Attitude Era. This isn’t wrestling. There’s nothing redeeming about this.

Let’s see what we have here. A pimp, a man that molests other men for no apparent reason, a guy that dances badly and is proud of the fact that he’s a social outcast, and a guy constantly making rather sexual references. What is possibly appealing here? Kane is 18th as he at least has a ton of jobbers to beat up.

Kane has recently been rebelling against the Corporation, meaning he’s now just shy of being a face for the first time other than for 6 days at this time last year. He clears the ring inside of 30 seconds. Hey, we’ve got one person in the ring AGAIN! Dang he’s getting a pop for this. So let’s see. We have a former world champion who is quite over and dominating. My goodness we’re on to something here! We have a guy that could be a legit challenger to the standard winners!

This could make Kane a legit…oh screw it you know where this is going. Naturally he’s in the match less than a minute as a group of men in white coats come back, allegedly to put Kane back in a mental institution. He beats them up and jumps over the top rope, eliminating himself.

Shamrock is 19th, and due to the brilliance of this booking, has to stand in the ring and do nothing for 90 seconds, killing any heat the Kane built up for him. We could have had a decent showdown between a crazed monster and a submission machine. How does that sounds? Shamrock vs. Kane? It wouldn’t main event a Wrestlemania but it could have been interesting if nothing else, but instead we have Shamrock literally standing in the ring just waiting for something to happen.

See, this right here is why this Rumble is complete and utter crap. This is why fans HATE Russo’s booking. Yeah a lot of stuff has happened here, but there is ZERO substance to it. We’ve had nothing but jobbers in here so far until Kane showed up, and after he gets one of the biggest reactions of the night and looks awesome, a stupid angle that went nowhere gets rid of him. Russo is notorious for trying to fit 100 different angles into a single match and that’s what he’s done here.

Instead of having a decent match which could have happened had this been booked right, and had there been anyone other than Austin and McMahon coming in at one and two. That’s the issue here: anyone with a brain can tell you that 3-30 don’t even need to show up. It’s going to come down to Vince vs. Austin, which is fine I guess as it’s the only possible ending, but they screwed this up so badly by having them come out first.

Instead, have Austin come in at like 25th or 26th and clear the ring, THEN have Vince come in at 30 to set up the showdown. The Corporation runs in for a big brawl, and then do the finish. There, see what that accomplishes? All night long you know that Austin is going to be in there somewhere, but you don’t know where. He’s going to face big odds, but no one knows how big. The other guys can build themselves up a bit and get the crowd into it.

Austin was certainly getting the biggest pop of the night, so anything anyone gets after that is going to be lackluster. Why not instead have Austin saved until closer to the end, so that he still gets his big pop but everyone else gets a nicer one as well? There’s more drama, the fans will be more into the rest of the match, and it takes some pressure off of Austin while still giving you the finish you wanted. Instead, let’s have a ton of dead spots and jobbers fight each other.

Look at earlier on. Why did Golga have to be eliminated so fast? Instead of having Droz vs. Golga (which sounds like a Japanese monster movie if I’ve ever heard one) for a few minutes, we have Droz standing there. I know that’s not the most appealing match in the world, but it’s SOMETHING. It’s not a guy standing around waiting on something to happen, but rather an actual, you know, wrestling match.

Why would we need that though when we can have pointless angles and spots that bring the match to halt after halt? This is a great example of how Russo’s booking can ruin a match in one easy lesson. ANYWAY, Vince comes out just before Shamrock to do commentary. Oh joy indeed. Billy Gunn is 20th because instead of a fresh match we need a repeat of the one from earlier in the show. Gunn is limping at least but for some reason only has one boot on.

To contine this match’s stupidity, on one ankle Gunn uses a gorilla press. I can’t stand this match. I truly can’t. Test is 21st as we cut to the future Ministry kidnapping Mabel. Oh my goodness let the shocks continue! Just at the EXACT same time as that’s happening, STONE COLD STONE COLD STONE COLD is back in an ambulance.

WAIT A MINUTE YOU FREAKING IDIOTS! Are you really trying to convince me that in less than 30 minutes, Austin was knocked completely unconscious, strapped to a stretcher, put in an ambulance, woke up, managed to get enough wits about him to get off the stretcher, get control of the ambulance, drive the ambulance back to the arena in a city that I’d assume he doesn’t know the street design of, and get back into the parking lot?

And all that in less time than it takes to deliver a pizza? And no one finds this even the SLIGHTEST bit odd? No one at all? Yeah I still hate this match. Actually this isn’t a match. It’s a performance piece or something stupid like that. Vince is of course SHOCKED. I love how he’s shocked over things he booked. Oh come on Austin isn’t even sweating. Give me a break. Austin walks into the arena as Boss Man’s music plays since he’s 22nd.

To further take away from the people in the ring that are doing the work on this show, Austin chases Vince. They get in the ring and Austin puts out Shamrock and gets jumped again. Oh look Austin has a rope from somewhere. This is like a bad SNL sketch or something. HHH, to a HUGE pop so you know he’s not winning, is 23rd. Since he was so popular he would be turned heel at Mania in a HUGE twist. Everything is huge back then remember as this is now WCW 2.

HHH beating on Austin just feels right. Val Venis is 24th. To recap we have Boss Man, Austin, Test, HHH, Gunn and Venis in the ring and Vince at ringside. Austin puts out Gunn. Nothing of note is happening here for the most part. X-Pac is 25th and I still could care less. Allegedly he’s the lightest competitor in Rumble history. And naturally since that involves company history, it’s nonsense. Pierroth from the 97 rumble is smaller.

Austin is knocked to the floor under the ropes and comes in off the top rope of all things. That was odd if nothing else. Henry, ANOTHER sex based character is the first of the final 5 guys. This is just after the very stupid transvestite bit between Chyna and Henry. Don’t ask. This just needs to end like NOW. Jeff Jarrett is 27th. Naturally Debra is the bigger deal here. Other than her face she looks ok actually.

As HHH is beating on Venis, we hear a very familiar voice ask Val “If I throw you can you hang on?”. Nice one there Hunter. To further the brilliance of this match, we’re discussing whether Vince would pay by cash or check. D’lo is 28th along with PMS. This was, you guessed it, another sex based angle called Pretty Mean Sisters, which implied that they had clients that they screwed up because they were so upset with men.

Test and X-Pac are thrown out. Vince saying that Jeff Jarrett is the man made me chuckle. Owen is 29th as Jarrett is thrown out. HHH saves Austin which was just weird as hell to type. Austin hits the floor and throws water on Vince because he’s a BAD MAN. Chyna is 30, making our final batch of people Austin, Vince, Boss Man, Chyna, Henry, Brown, HHH, Venis and Owen. I wonder who will win.

Chyna puts out Henry and then Austin puts her out, making her big moment last all of 30 seconds. Vince cheering on HHH makes me wonder if he knew what was coming. That’s just amusing. We realize the issue of the money as no one wants to let anyone else put Austin out so they keep saving him. Venis is gone as is HHH, leaving the final five as Vince, Austin, Owen, Henry and Brown.

Owen hits the enziguri on Austin but gets thrown out anyway as Austin is apparently tougher than Shawn ever was. Brown hits the sweet Low Down on Austin as Boss Man throws him out. More no selling from Austin as he throws out Boss Man and we’re down to Austin vs. Vince again. Amazingly the Rumble is on the floor and in the crowd again. This is idiotic. Let’s bring a chair in because we haven’t had enough of those tonight right?

Vince hits a quick low blow to buy himself some time once we’re back in the ring. Austin has stone cold guts apparently as he hits a Stunner out of nowhere. Here’s Rock for the distraction, and we make the Rumble look like a joke as Vince throws out Austin to win it. A massive heel celebration follows as Austin chases Rock out.

Rating: F. I’m sorry to the people that worked hard in there, but this was awful on so many levels that I can’t let it pass. This match alone sums up everything that was wrong with the Attitude Era. There were a ton of sex based characters that were weirder and weirder each time. There was no story other than two guys that weren’t in the match for the majority of the time.

No one cared about 28 people in there. The ending was a give away, and the whole thing just sucked all around. There were three times where we had a maximum of one person in the ring due to some stupid angle. That’s just unacceptable all around, just like this match. This was a failure and easily the worst Rumble of all time.

Overall Rating: D-. The best match of the night might have had Gangrel in it. That sums up just about everything you need to know here. This was just a mess as the Rumble sucked, the early stuff sucked, and the title match was actually difficult to sit through. Foley and Rock’s incredible chemistry together saves this from a complete failure though, but not by a lot.

I hated this show and it took me almost 4 days to get through it which is by far and away a record for these reviews. This was just crap all around and not worth watching at all. The title match is good, but that’s all that’s worth watching here at all. Go on Attitude Era freaks. Defend this thing. I want you to. I need the target practice.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the paperback edition of KB’s Complete 2004 Monday Night Raw Reviews (also available as an e-book) from Amazon. Check out the information here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2019/08/26/new-book-and-e-book-kbs-complete-2004-monday-night-raw-reviews/

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

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IMG Credit: WWE

Smackdown
Date: October 23, 2003
Location: Pepsi Arena, Albany, New York
Commentators: Michael Cole, Tazz

We’re past No Mercy and that means it’s time to get ready for Survivor Series. Thankfully it also means that Stephanie McMahon is gone after having been beaten by her father in an I Quit match. Since that’s going to get some focus tonight, we’ll move on to Brock Lesnar successfully defending the World Title against the Undertaker. Let’s get to it.

Here’s last week’s show if you need a recap.

And here’s No Mercy as a bonus.

The opening recap features the narration from Sunday’s opening video and some audio from Vince defeating Stephanie when Linda threw in the towel. We need to keep Stephanie strong for the off screen wedding you see.

Opening sequence.

Here are Vince and Sable to open things up. Vince brags about his win and had a lot of fun stomping Stephanie into the ground. We’re celebrating tonight, maybe even like he celebrated with Sable on Sunday. He didn’t spare the rod with Sable because he used it all night long. On Sunday he did what he wanted by leaving Stephanie unemployed and making sure Brock Lesnar remained WWE Champion.

It was Vince who turned the lights out and sent the FBI out before he had to help things out himself. The new rule: don’t cross the boss but do have sex with the man who signs your checks. I’m assuming he’s talking about Sable there but it’s not clear. That brings us to the position of General Manager and it’s not going to be Sable. Vince: “I have some other job positions in mind for you.” No the new General Manager is….Paul Heyman. Vince is REALLY nice about forgiving past grudges.

Cole and Tazz panic but here’s Undertaker to chase Vince and Sable off. Heyman says he’s the only hope that Undertaker has because Vince is never going to help him. Tonight, Undertaker is going to have a match against Brock Lesnar and Big Show. If he can win that, he gets any match he wants. Undertaker promises to make this blow up in Heyman’s face and get his revenge.

This is certainly a change of pace and odds are this is going to get rid of Vince, or at least lower the amount of time he’ll be spending on TV. There’s no need to have two heel authority figures and Heyman can more than hold his own with the talking. Undertaker vs. Lesnar continuing doesn’t do much for me, but Vince vs. Undertaker does even less. Heyman being the new boss is interesting though and he’s certainly an upgrade over Stephanie.

John Cena/A-Train vs. Kurt Angle/Chris Benoit

Before the match, Cena says it’s time to shake Kurt’s hand….but that’s a b**** move. He’s about to snatch his thunder back like a five finger discount and people need to get off of his….well you know. Angle headlocks A-Train down to start but some knees in the corner have Kurt down. Cena comes in with a Michinoku Driver (Where has he been keeping that thing?) for two before it’s back to A-Train for a butterfly suplex.

A big German suplex gets Angle out of trouble and it’s off to Benoit for a German suplex of his own. A-Train has to break up the Sharpshooter on Cena as everything breaks down. An Angle Slam drops A-Train and it’s the ankle lock to Cena. A-Train is up way too fast for the save and the limping Cena grabs the chain. Benoit grabs a chair from A-Train but hits Angle by mistake, triggering a fight. Kurt gets caught in the Crossface and the match is thrown out. Why? It shouldn’t be a DQ and the referee didn’t see the chair shot.

Rating: C. This was fun while it lasted but there’s not much you can do with five minutes and getting in an angle at the same time. Benoit vs. Angle could be good, assuming it leads to someone getting a fresh shot at Lesnar. Brock is needing some new challengers right now and Benoit would be a better choice than Angle at the moment.

We look at Tajiri blinding Nidia last week.

Using a webcam, Jamie Noble is serious about fixing Nidia’s sight. All the money he got from his aunt means nothing if she’s not better. If Nidia doesn’t come out of this ok, Tajiri will be paying. Serious Jamie actually worked, despite the thick accent.

Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin are excited about Paul Heyman being back when Heyman comes in. He calls them liars (oh the irony) for not calling after Brock Lesnar took him out. Therefore, the Basham Brothers are getting the Tag Team Title shot instead of Haas and Benjamin. They can have another match and that is next.

Vince and Sable are in a box and wave to the little people.

Video on Stu Hart. This one is narrated by Cole instead of Vince in a nice bit of continuity if you treat Raw and Smackdown as two completely different things.

World’s Greatest Tag Team vs. Rikishi/Scotty 2 Hotty

This is Rikishi’s first WWE match since June and Scotty’s first since April 2002. Scotty and Haas get things going with a quick takedown allowing Scotty to celebrate. A hiptoss drops Benjamin and we hit the Moonwalk. Benjamin gets in a shot from behind though and it’s time to take over as we wait on the hot tag to Rikishi.

It’s off to a chinlock for a bit before the jump over Charlie and onto Scotty’s back keeps him in trouble. A clothesline gets Scotty over to the corner for the tag and Rikishi cleans house….until Shelton superkicks him down. Everything breaks down and Scotty brings back the Worm to Shelton. Haas gets a Stinkface and Rikishi sits on Shelton’s chest for the pin.

Rating: D+. Uh, yay! I’m not sure who was wanting to see Rikishi and Scotty back but there are worse ideas out there. I’ll take them over a team like Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak on Raw as Rikishi and Scotty at least have some charisma and have been successful at one point. There are worse ideas so I’ll take what I can get.

Dancing ensues post match.

Vince and Sable join in on the dancing but Undertaker breaks into the sky box. After insulting Sable, Undertaker tells Vince to pray that he wins tonight. Otherwise, Undertaker will be back and there won’t be any talking.

Eddie Guerrero is getting treatment for the injuries from Sunday when Chavo comes in and tells him to suck it up. Chavo: “THIS IS FOR GRANDMA!”

Tag Team Titles: Los Guerreros vs. Basham Brothers

The Bashams are challenging. A fired up Eddie hammers on Doug in the corner to start before it’s off to Chavo for more of the same. Eddie comes back in with the slingshot hilo as this is completely one sided so far. It’s off to Danny, who has ever worse luck as Chavo snapmares him into the champions’ corner. Shaniqua grabs a foot though and the Bashams take over for the first time. It’s off to the chinlock for a bit before Danny slaps on a full nelson.

Like a nitwit, Doug charges straight at the two of them and gets backdropped. A wristdrag/headscissors combination takes the Bashams down and the hot tag brings in Chavo. Danny gets planted with a running tornado DDT (looked good) as everything breaks down. It’s back to Eddie for a slingshot hilo while Chavo holds Danny in a backbreaker (that’s a new one). Shaniqua offers a distraction and the Bashams switch, allowing Doug to hit Eddie with a nightstick for the pin and the titles.

Rating: C. This screams long term booking to me and there’s nothing wrong with that. Chavo getting on Eddie before the match suggests that the team is being broken up soon and if that means a big Eddie singles run, I’m rather pleased. The Bashams still need to drop Shaniqua but at least they had a few wins to set this up.

Post match Shaniqua says they’re going to, ahem, celebrate.

During the break, Chavo berated Eddie for the loss and walked away from him.

Tajiri vs. Zach Gowen

Non-title. Gowen is wrestling in a shirt this time around, which doesn’t exactly hide the fact that he’s the size of a middle school kid. Tajiri kicks him hard in the shoulder but gets armdragged down into an armbar. A tornado DDT is countered into a spinebuster and we hit the USA chant to annoy Tajiri. Zach avoids a knee drop (with Tajiri adding a high pitched squeal on the way down) and goes up, only to miss his moonsault. Tajiri kicks his head off for the pin.

Rating: D. That’s Gowen’s last match in WWE and I’m not going to miss him. He’s the definition of a novelty act that ran its course and then stuck around even longer. There’s no hiding the fact that most of his offense is built around fluke rollups and moves that wouldn’t do a great deal of damage. Couple that with the constant “this kid has heart” and “he’ll never give up” lines from Cole and the feel good story lost all of its charm in very short order.

Post match Tajiri’s unnamed associates come in and lay Gowen out again on Tajiri’s orders.

Lesnar tells Big Show to follow his lead tonight. That’s fine with Show, who warns Brock that he’ll be coming for the title soon.

Vince and Sable are still in the box.

Bob Holly is coming back after a year off with a neck injury. He’s coming for Lesnar and wants to break his neck. That works very well aside from the being Hardcore Holly part.

Video on Hawk, who passed away earlier in the week.

Undertaker vs. Big Show/Brock Lesnar

This has way more time than it needs so hopefully there’s something after the match. Show starts for the very large team and drives Undertaker into the corner to start. Undertaker takes a rare powder when they both come in at once and it’s already chair time. Lesnar comes in for the shoulders to the ribs (a far too popular move) as Tazz thinks they might be working on Undertaker’s midsection.

A suplex gives Brock two but as usual, Show screws up, this time by running into a big boot. Undertaker goes vintage with the jumping clothesline to both guys in turn but walks into a chokeslam from Show. It’s Lesnar tagging himself in for a delayed two and ordering Show to go up top. The spike piledriver (that sounds like something you wouldn’t see from the 80s) is broken up and Show gets slammed off the top for the pin. Vince is immediately on his feet and here’s Heyman to say that this is 2/3 falls. Therefore it should be 0-0 as Show wasn’t legal but Heyman never cared about rules.

Back from a break with Heyman in his office chair on the stage and Lesnar eating Snake Eyes into the big boot. Somehow the 7’2 500lb Show manages to sneak around the ring for a clothesline but Undertaker knocks him over the barricade. Some right hands to Lesnar are enough for the countout win….but Heyman says there are no countouts. Show chairs him in the back, there are no DQ’s, and we keep going. This time Undertaker gets smart and grabs the chain to knock the both silly for the pin on Lesnar.

Rating: D+. Well it wasn’t Austin vs. Love but it did the job. Above all else here though, was it really necessary to have Undertaker get two pins on the two singles champions, including the new US Champion? I’m getting rather tired of seeing Undertaker against these two but hopefully some fresh blood is on the way. Heyman screwing Undertaker over is fine for now, but having him lose this early on is more interesting. It’s nice to have a boss who gets taken down a peg or two so soon.

Post match Show lays Undertaker out with a chokeslam and Brock adds an F5 into the post. Vince wants to come see this in person so here he comes after a break. With Undertaker rolling up the ramp, Vince screams about how Undertaker will never be WWE Champion. Vince asks what match Undertaker wants with Lesnar so Undertaker says it’ll be at Survivor Series in a Buried Alive match…..against McMahon. As usual, Vince does the cocky to terrified transition better than anyone. This was a good reveal too as there was no reason to think Undertaker wouldn’t pick Lesnar, but going with McMahon makes sense.

Overall Rating: C-. There was some change in here to make the show better (read as a lack of Stephanie) but they’re continuing the stories that are still around as well. Heyman didn’t really get to do much on his first night but he’s a long overdue change in the power structure. Survivor Series is already starting to take shape, though there’s a lot of work left to be done. They’re off to an acceptable start, but there’s a very long way to go yet.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the paperback edition of the WWE Grab Bag (also available as an e-book) from Amazon. Check out the information here:

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IMG Credit: WWE

No Mercy 2003
Date: October 19, 2003
Location: 1^st Mariner Arena, Baltimore, Maryland
Attendance: 8,500
Commentators: Michael Cole, Tazz

It’s the Stephanie vs. Vince Show as the McMahons are battling in the real main event. The last few months have been building up to the I Quit match with both of their jobs on the line. Other than that we have Brock Lesnar defending the World Title against the Undertaker in a Biker Chain match, meaning chain on a pole. Let’s get to it.

Here’s the go home episode of Smackdown if you need a recap.

The opening video, narrated by Vince and Stephanie’s arguing, looks over a little girl’s things, including a tiara, shoes and a teddy bear. We hear Vince demanding that she quit and Stephanie refusing but also begging to not have the match. Thankfully Brock and Undertaker get some time as well.

Cruiserweight Title: Tajiri vs. Rey Mysterio

Tajiri is defending and is admonished to not use the mist of any color. They fight over a lockup to start and fall to the floor with no one getting an advantage. Back in and Rey gets smart by going after the leg with a quick leglock. That’s broken up with some shots to the head but the handspring elbow is dropkicked away to put Tajiri on the floor.

That’s enough of this wrestling stuff so Rey hits a dive to give the fans more of what they’re expecting. Mysterio tries to get a bit too fancy though and has a springboard broken up with his arm landing on the top rope. You wouldn’t exactly expect these two to go with limb work but it’s actually working. A springboard armdrag gets Rey out of an armbar but hurts his arm even more, allowing Tajiri to kick him in the head. Slow Rey down with the arm to set up the best offensive move. Good stuff.

Rey grabs a tornado DDT for a delayed two before using his legs to pull the champ out to the floor. Back in and Tajiri tries to throw him to the floor again but gets a 619 to the ribs. The West Coast Pop is countered with a powerbomb but Rey is right back with a moonsault press. Tajiri goes right back to the arm, only to have the knee give out on the Tarantula attempt. Now the 619 connects and Rey grabs the West Coast Pop but a “fan” runs in for a distraction. Tajiri hits the Buzzsaw Kick to retain.

Rating: B-. Good opener with a bad ending. You can imagine Tajiri getting a lackey out of this and that’s not exactly a thrilling way to wrap up the match. If nothing else, there wasn’t any mist either after Tajiri has spent over a week building it up. I liked the majority of the match though and that’s a good way to open the show.

Replays shows security holding a second “fan” back as well so yeah we’re probably looking at a mini stable. The division needs more bodies so that’s not the worst idea in the world.

Vince yells at Josh Matthews (good) for asking how he’s feeling. This is somehow both personal and business with some people on the roster being on Stephanie’s side. That’s fine with Vince, because if they try to help her, he’ll just fire them.

A-Train vs. Chris Benoit

A-Train is annoyed because he can’t beat Benoit. Tazz: “They love pierced nipples in Denmark.” A hard shoulder puts Benoit on the floor and we’re starting at a slower pace. Back in and Benoit can’t get either a German suplex or the Crossface. Instead he just slugs away with chops and some forearms for little avail. A-Train goes with the power as a slam and splash get two.

The clubbing forearms keep Benoit in trouble and A-Train catapults him throat first into the middle rope. More time wasting allows Benoit to slug away until a Polish Hammer (with the Putski references) drops him again. A DDT gives Benoit a breather but A-Train grabs a German suplex of his own. With the wrestling not working, A-Train brings in a chair but gets it knocked away.

A-Train tries a gorilla press instead but drops Benoit HEAD FIRST (didn’t seem to be on purpose) onto the chair in a scary looking landing. Benoit is of course fine and starts rolling the German suplexes. The Swan Dive is broken up so A-Train teases going up as well. Thankfully, for the sake of not breaking the ring, he comes down and hits the Derailer for two instead. With the chair wedged in the corner, A-Train kicks it by mistake, setting up the Sharpshooter for the submission.

Rating: C. Considering who Benoit was in there against, this could have been a lot worse (if nothing else just for dropping Benoit on the chair). A-Train was fine as a dragon for Benoit to slay but that’s all he was going to be. The hairy look and only somewhat above average power offense held him back a lot but at least the story here made sense.

Heidenreich yells at Matt Hardy and Shannon Moore about throwing away his highlight tape but Matt talks his way out of trouble.

Members of the military are here.

Zach Gowen vs. Matt Hardy

Shannon Moore is with Matt Hardy, who cannot be grossed out and has survived five car wrecks. They trade slaps to start before Gowen hits a leg lariat to take over. A middle rope bulldog gets two but Moore breaks up a springboard. Cole: “How much longer is this going to go on? It’s been week after week after week.” Agreed, but they’ll give up on pushing Gowen eventually.

Snake Eyes and a running clothesline put Gowen on the floor, followed by a double arm crank as Cole talks about believing in Gowen. Matt misses the moonsault though and gets knocked outside, allowing Zach to springboard (pulls himself up, puts his shin on the top rope and flips forward) onto him for two. Still shaken from the missed moonsault, Matt takes him to the top but has a belly to back superplex broken up. Gowen’s moonsault is good for the pin.

Rating: D. If they have to give Gowen a win, I’m kind of glad that it’s a clean one. Having to hear about Gowen winning the match with someone handing it to him would have been too much, but as usual everyone has to slow down to let him keep up. The moonsault had good form but it’s really hard to buy that anything from Gowen is going to be enough for a pin.

Linda McMahon tries to talk Vince out of the match but Vince says no. He’ll make a concession though: Stephanie can win by pinfall as well as submission, but Vince makes it no holds barred to keep it even. They’re throwing everything they can at this match to make it interesting and it’s not working.

APA vs. Basham Brothers

This was set up on Sunday Night Heat. Again no Shaniqua, thank goodness. Bradshaw pounds Doug in the corner to start before running him over with a shoulder. Faarooq comes in for a powerslam but is smart enough to know that Danny tagged himself in. That means a knockdown to Danny as well because Faarooq pays attention. A double spinebuster gets two on Danny and Doug gets kicked in the face for daring to interrupt.

Cole and Tazz argue over sexual fetishes and journalistic integrity as the Bashams take over with a quick double team. A double suplex gets two and we hit the chinlock. That actually draws a loud APA chant, which I think may be a first time event. With the first chinlock working so well, Danny grabs another one to keep Faarooq down.

Since Faarooq is tired of being stuck in a chinlock, he fights up and hits a spinebuster, setting up the hot tag to Bradshaw. A powerbomb and Last Call drop Doug and it’s a super Last Call for Danny. The referee gets bumped so here’s Shaniqua to knock Bradshaw out with a club, giving Danny the pin.

Rating: D. Well we were free of her for a few weeks. The Bashams winning was the right call as the APA doesn’t have anything to gain, but Shaniqua and the dominatrix stuff isn’t helping anyone. The division isn’t deep enough that they can’t get to the top very fast, but get rid of the ball and chain as soon as possible.

Post match Shaniqua talks about the Clothesline making her chest swell, which has the Bashams freaking out at a level that Jerry Lawler would find disturbing. They’re going to be rewarded though so she’ll whip it good. And that’s it for whatever good the Bashams got out of the win.

Tazz has keys to victory in the Biker Chain match.

Very long recap of Stephanie vs. Vince. Stephanie won’t quit her job as GM despite what Vince wants so we’re having this match to make her do it. Vince is also sleeping with Sable so Linda is in her corner. This story has dominated Smackdown in recent months and has been turned into the most melodramatic feuds in wrestling history. Thrown in Stephanie’s acting “abilities” and you know how well that’s going to go.

Vince McMahon vs. Stephanie McMahon

Sable and Linda are the seconds. Vince has to make her say I Quit while Stephanie can win by pinfall or submission. Vince jumps her from behind so Stephanie jumps on her back and screeches a lot. Just in case this wasn’t going to feel long enough already. That’s enough offense from Stephanie, who gets thrown down by the hair with Vince saying she could have quit. Some shoulders in the corner have Stephanie acting like she was shot.

Sable gets in a slap, triggering a chase from Linda which is begging for the Benny Hill theme. Vince gets in Linda’s way and then clotheslines Stephanie again, which is treated as the biggest, most brutal thing ever. We hit the half crab and Stephanie screams like she’s in labor. Stephanie bites her way out of a double arm crank so Sable grabs a pipe, triggering the “catfight” with Linda. A low blow into a rollup (Cole: “WE’VE GOT HIM!”) gives Stephanie two but she can’t hit him with the pipe.

She finally does and Cole lets out a “COME ON GIRL!” but Vince gets his foot on the rope. Another low blow into another rollup gets two and it’s time for the announcers to play cheerleaders. Vince chokes her down and gets in a pipe shot to the ribs, prompting Cole to say Vince outweighs her by 200lbs. So is Stephanie 63lbs or is Vince over 300? Vince chokes with the pipe but Stephanie won’t quit (well duh) so Linda throws in the towel to save her daughter. I’m kind of stunned that this was so short (just shy of ten minutes) as I easily could have seen that being doubled.

Rating: F. Just read any part of this and you’ll get why this was a failure. This was one of the dumbest storylines WWE has ever put together (and consider the competition on that list) and somehow managed to be all about making Stephanie look awesome. These four need to go far, far away for a long time and never speak of anything here again. I never need to hear about Stephanie again and I’m kind of glad the family is destroyed FOREVER (yes FOREVER you see) so they won’t bother trying to get back together again.

Vince shoves Linda down and leaves with Sable. Stephanie gets the big sendoff because of all that hard work she’s done. Like kissing Eric Bischoff, signing Mr. America without knowing who he was, treating Zach Gowen like the world’s biggest charity case and being CLOTHESLINED BY HER FATHER!

The announcers act like they saw an orphanage burn to the ground and puppies used as crash dummies.

We recap Kurt Angle vs. John Cena. John wants to make a name for himself so he rapped about Angle a lot. Kurt did his own few raps and promised to teach him a wrestling lesson.

Kurt Angle vs. John Cena

Cena does his usual gay joke rap before the match. With that out of the way (and the chain laid in the corner), Angle headlocks him to the mat to start. Cena reverses into one of his own and we hit the dueling chants, allowing Cole to talk about Cena’s street cred. Back up and Angle flips him off, earning a hard clothesline to take him down again. A hard running shoulder in the corner rocks Cena again though as this is back and forth so far.

Another shoulder hits post though and Cena gets all fired up, including a running clothesline in the corner. We hit a double chickenwing on the mat and then a front facelock as the pace slows considerably. Back up and a spinebuster (way too common of a move on this show) allows Cena to go up, only to have Angle dropkick him in the shin on the way down. An ankle lock attempt sends Cena scurrying for the ropes so Angle adds a baseball slide.

Kurt does his insane tease of a German suplex off the apron but Cena, fearing a bad case of death, DDT’s him onto the apron to escape. Back in and the Throwback gives Cena two but he gets rolled with the German suplexes. It’s Cena’s turn to pop back up, this time with knees to the head and a buckle bomb of all things for two. The FU and Angle Slam get two each and it’s chain time. The referee actually pays attention for once and takes it away, leaving Cena to hit him with the gold medals for two instead. Back up and another FU is countered into the ankle lock for the tap.

Rating: B. I liked this one quite a bit with some nice work, though Cena going over was the logical play here. The “he earned respect” argument only works for so long and Cena is getting to the point where he really needs a big win. The match was entertaining though and Cena looked good, though Angle kicking out of the FU didn’t do him much good. Not bad, but Cena needs to do something soon.

We recap Big Show vs. Eddie Guerrero. I’ll spare you the details and go with burritos, sewage and a destroyed low rider. Sounds serious, right?

US Title: Big Show vs. Eddie Guerrero

Eddie, with a taped up back after Thursday, is defending and Show wastes no time sending him hard into the corner. The champ is right back with a neck snap over the top rope but Show sends him back first into the corner again. Eddie gets creative by throwing in a chair before switching over to some kicks to the knee.

The bad back is sent into the post though and Show launches him over the top to take it back inside. They’re doing a good job of making Show look like the dominant monster but I have a bad feeling of where this is going. We hit the trash talk with Show slowly dragging Eddie around the ring. Eddie manages to send him into an exposed turnbuckle though and a frog splash crossbody gets two.

That’s enough for a ref bump (well duh) so Eddie pulls out some brass knuckles for a knockout shot and two. A title shot to the head knocks Show even sillier and the frog splash….gets two. Show gets the same off a spinebuster (ok enough already) so Eddie kicks him low and grabs a DDT. He can’t follow up though and it’s a chokeslam to give Show the title as the arena deflates.

Rating: D. Eddie was trying as hard as he could but when a brass knuckles shot, a belt shot and the frog splash can’t put Show away, there’s not much more Eddie can do. Show isn’t someone I ever need to see get a push like this or of any kind really, and I certainly hope that Eddie gets the momentum back because he’s been so entertaining as of late.

Post match Chavo comes in to yell at Eddie for losing.

Big Show says no one can beat him because he is, in fact, a giant.

We recap Brock Lesnar vs. Undertaker. Vince turned Brock evil and Undertaker wants to set things right. Then he decided he loved chains for some reason so we’re getting a chain on a pole match.

Smackdown World Title: Brock Lesnar vs. Undertaker

Brock is defending and the chain is on a pole in the corner. Undertaker misses a right hand in the corner to start and Lesnar seems to be running early on. Another miss lets Brock unload in the corner and Old School is blocked. A shoulder goes into the post though and Undertaker hits a big boot and legdrop for two. So the chain can be completely ignored? Now Old School connects and Undertaker grabs la majistral of all things for two more. They head outside with Brock kneeing him in the ribs a few times, followed by a whip into the steps.

Back in and Undertaker strikes away but misses a running boot in the corner. The chain hasn’t been a factor yet, save for some clanking noises here and there. Undertaker gets knocked off the apron and into the barricade so the beating can continue. Back inside again with Undertaker winning a slugout, including a jumping clothesline for two. It’s finally time to go for the chain but the lights go out.

They come back on with nothing changed though Lesnar uses the distraction to grab an electric chair. The steps are thrown in and Undertaker gets sent face first. That’s not enough yet either as Undertaker takes it back outside for a piledriver on the other steps. Rather than go for the win, Undertaker goes for the chain but comes back down with a triangle choke over the ropes instead. A low blow and steps to the head give Lesnar two and it’s time for another slugout as this just keeps going.

Undertaker gets the better of it but his chokeslam is countered into a spinebuster for two. A short armscissors is reversed with a powerbomb so Undertaker switches to the Dragon Sleeper. That’s reversed into the F5 for two so Brock goes up. This time it’s a chokeslam off the top for a HUGE crash but the freaking FBI runs in for the save before Undertaker can go for the chain.

The Last Ride (nearly into the corner so Undertaker has to pull it back a bit) drops Lesnar and it’s a Taker Dive onto the FBI. Nunzio gets knocked away from the chain and Undertaker FINALLY gets the chain. Cue Vince to crotch Undertaker on the top, allowing Lesnar to chain Undertaker in the head. The F5 FINALLY retains the title.

Rating: D+. It was a half decent power match that was crippled by both the length and all the shenanigans. You really could have made this into a regular match or a street fight as the chain wasn’t a factor until the last two minutes. The problem here though is the time as it ran nearly twenty five minutes, or at least eight minutes longer than it needed. With no drama on the chain until the end, there wasn’t much to see other than slow brawling. Not terrible, but not the way this should have gone.

Vince runs away to end the show.

Overall Rating: D. There’s good stuff in here to keep it from being a disaster or a horrible show but the two main events are a combination of terrible and way too long, which is too much to overcome. Hopefully this is the end of this era as they really need to change a lot of stuff up around here. Find something fresh to work with because the McMahons are so horribly played out and Brock needs a new challenger. Maybe Survivor Series can help because this show was pretty bad.

Remember to check out my new forum at steelcageforums.com, follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the 2018 Updated Version of the History of the WWE Championship in e-book or paperback. Check out the information here:

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IMG Credit: WWE

Smackdown
Date: October 9, 2003
Location: Hartford Civic Center, Hartford, Connecticut
Commentators: Michael Cole, Tazz

With less than two weeks to No Mercy, the question becomes how can we find more time to talk about Vince and Stephanie. That story dominated last week’s show and has done so for months now. At least we’re heading towards their pay per view blowoff and that means we might be free soon enough. Let’s get to it.

Here’s last week’s show if you need a recap.

We open with a recap of last week’s Vince/Stephanie segment with Vince demanding that she quit (again) and Stephanie saying no (again) and getting in a fight with Sable (again).

Opening sequence.

Here’s Linda McMahon with the always awesome old school Wrestlemania theme music. She knows people are used to the McMahon Family drama but then Shane wrecked a limo with Kane inside. The week before that, Vince slammed Stephanie in the middle of this ring. Now there’s an I Quit match at No Mercy so maybe she can talk some sense into Stephanie. You know you can’t let Stephanie have that much attention without her being here in person so here she is.

She’s not going to back down and let Vince win….so here’s Vince because of course we need all of them out here. Vince talks about giving Stephanie a chance to get out of this match last week but now he wouldn’t let her out of it if she got on her knees and begged her. She’s made him brutalize her but he’ll do it with a clear conscience. His soul will be cleansed because he’s being forced to do it, just like Linda forced him to sire a second child. Linda says this match isn’t fair and asks what Vince is putting up. After a little goading, Vince puts up his Chairman spot to even things up.

We’re still not done though as Sable comes out with Vince calling her voluptuous. He introduces her to Linda and Sable rubs his chest while announcing she’ll be in Vince’s corner at No Mercy. Linda isn’t surprised because Sable will offer her services to anyone. Sable slaps Linda so Stephanie jumps her, only to get clotheslined by Vince. That’s your fifteen minute opening, because last year’s great wrestling show needed to be turned into the McMahon Variety Show.

Ultimo Dragon vs. Tajiri

Non-title and Rey Mysterio, announced as the #1 contender for No Mercy, is on commentary. Tajiri grabs a wristlock to start but the handspring elbow is broken up with a kick to the back. The Asai moonsault mostly misses and they head back inside. Dragon grabs a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker but Tajiri hits a Michinoku Driver for two of his own. The Tarantula is broken up and Rey talks about using these same counters. Makes sense. Not that it matters as the Buzzsaw kick ends Dragon in short order.

Rating: C-. Nothing wrong with this one as Tajiri gets some momentum heading into the title match. I liked Rey actually talking about what he could get out of doing commentary as most of the time it’s just a way to advance a story. You can do that after the match while also making it seem like there’s a reason to be out there in the first place. I’m still not sure what happened to Dragon though, as he came in and never even got warmed up before being turned into this.

Post match Tajiri kicks Dragon again, drawing Rey in for a 619.

Stephanie has big news: LINDA will be in her corner at No Mercy! That’s so lame I can’t even bother to make fun of it.

Undertaker comes out for a match but first he promises to break Lesnar at No Mercy. Vince is about to send the FBI out here to soften him up but he hasn’t come alone. Undertaker wants us to meet his best friend and pulls out a chain.

Undertaker vs. Chuck Palumbo

Yes the FBI still exists. Undertaker wastes no time in throwing Chuck around and hits an early Old School. Nunzio offers a distraction so Chuck can get in a few shots, only to miss a charge into the post. Another distraction lets Palumbo try a superkick, which is countered into the chokeslam for a fast pin.

Post match Lesnar comes in but Undertaker cleans house with the chain.

Paul London interrupts Vince and Sable and can’t get a handshake from the boss. He can however get a title match with Lesnar tonight. Didn’t we do this with Spanky earlier this year?

Big Show shoves a burrito into the face of some guy at catering.

Zach Gowen is back. Egads good for him.

Big Show vs. Orlando Jordan

Rematch from last week when Show’s burritos gave him some issues. The announcers discuss Show’s body fat as he throws Jordan around with ease. A dropkick to the back annoys Show so much that he clotheslines Jordan’s head off. Show boots him in the face and finishes with a chokeslam in short order.

In the back, Eddie says of course he’s nervous about Big Show chasing after him. The thing is, he has some cousins around here and if Show does get some revenge, it’s going to be a very stinky situation. Eddie compares this to Jack and the Beanstalk but Big Show jumps him and kicks the heck out of Eddie’s ribs.

We look at John Cena using a chain to beat Kurt Angle last week.

Tazz is emceeing a battle rap between Angle and Cena. It’s Cena out first to say Angle has less street cred than Michael Cole. Now those are fighting words. Cole: “I’ve got some street cred!” After Angle comes out, Cena goes first and raps his usual string of insults: Angle couldn’t win a bronze in the Special Olympics, he has no testicles, and….something that Angle cuts him off which sounded like foul language.

Angle praises the rapping skills and tells a story in rhyme, talking about how Cena thinks he’s black, threatening Cena if he uses the chain again (or a-gain as the story goes) and promising to make Cena tap. That’s enough for the fight to be on until Cena hits him with the mic. Cena gets in a few kicks tot he ribs but Angle rolls some German suplexes. The thread of an ankle lock sends Cena bailing. Fine segment, though it was no “I’m just a sexy Kurt, I’ll make your ankle hurt!”

Video on Zach Gowen.

Zach Gowen vs. Shannon Moore

Matt Hardy, who is not afraid to eat alone in public and likes portabella mushrooms, is on commentary. Moore puts him on top and gets kicked in the face, followed by another kick for two. Matt: “I may be going out on a limb here, one limb in particular, but Zach Gowen doesn’t impress me as a wrestler.” A suplex into the corner takes Gowen down and it’s off to a chinlock.

Back up and a springboard kick to the face drops Moore, followed by a swinging neckbreaker. Hardy offers a distraction and Moore gets two off a rollup. Gowen grabs a DDT but Matt shoves Gowen off the top (the referee seems fine with the idea that Gowen just dove down onto his back for no apparent reason), setting up Shannon’s running flip neckbreaker for the pin.

Rating: D. And that’s a Zach Gowen match: he does fairly impressive moves and the announcers talk about how amazing it is. It still has the exact same problem as always though: if you’ve seen it once, there’s not much appeal to seeing it again. Now that I’ve seen it for several months now, I’m really over it as the action is nothing above an independent level and the commentary beating the idea into my head gets really old.

Undertaker leaves Stephanie’s office and laughs.

No Mercy rundown. The card isn’t too bad but that double main event is death.

We recap the opening segment and Linda sneering still isn’t intimidating.

Chris Benoit/APA vs. Basham Brothers/A-Train

Hang on a second as the Bashams chair the APA down, leaving Faarooq down in the aisle and making this a handicap match. This must be the start of transitioning Faarooq out as it’s the second time in a few weeks where Bradshaw has wrestled and Faarooq hasn’t for one reason or another.

The double teaming is on with Bradshaw getting taken apart, including a Vader Bomb from A-Train as Faarooq is taken out. Danny grabs a chinlock but A-Train misses another splash, allowing the hot tag to Benoit. A-Train takes a German suplex and the Sharpshooter makes Danny tap but he’s not legal. The referee says no and it’s A-Train hitting the Derailer for the pin.

Rating: D+. I know I’ve said this a lot tonight but that’s another match where it went as you would expect. A-Train pinning Benoit when he had an advantage was fine, but it’s still setting up A-Train vs. Benoit on pay per view. This also seems to be setting up Bradshaw’s singles run and….egads.

Smackdown World Title: Brock Lesnar vs. Paul London

Paul, who is challenging, doesn’t even get an entrance. Brock actually says he respects London for coming out here but gets cut off by the YOU TAPPED OUT chants. He offers London a chance to look at the title, which he might get to hold himself one day. London does touch is and gets a hard clothesline as the beating begins in a hurry. Powerslams and a powerbomb set up the F5 to destroy London in less than ninety seconds. In case you didn’t get the idea when he did this to Gowen and Spanky earlier this year.

Post match Brock loads up the F5 into the post but Spanky runs out for the failed save attempt. Lesnar throws him back first into the post for a great looking bump. Cue Undertaker to say Stephanie has made their match at No Mercy a biker chain match. That’s all we hear and the announcers are left wondering what the heck that is. Good thing Undertaker decided he liked chains earlier in the night.

We look back at Big Show attacking Eddie earlier.

Chavo Guerrero leaves the trainer’s room and says Eddie is pretty banged up. He’s going to call Big Show out.

Post break Chavo is in the ring calling Show out. Here’s Show in a suit to say he’s hitting the town. Oh dear I’m scared of where this is going. Chavo says he’s chicken and that’s actually enough to get a match started. Who knew Big Show was a Marty McFly fan?

Big Show vs. Chavo Guerrero Jr.

Chavo rolls outside and it’s a countout at about forty five seconds.

Chavo isn’t done as he waves a sewage truck out with Eddie riding on the back. For some reason, Big Show stands in the ring which Eddie talks about his cousin bringing this truck to the arena. Eddie talks about the hose on the truck that you put in the ground to pull out all the….well you know. He’s going to spray it on Show, who FINALLY gets out of the ring and runs away, only to trip over a cord. Eddie sprays him down a few times and Big Show falls down multiple times to end the show. Counting the stuff before the break, this was the last fifteen minutes of the show.

Overall Rating: D-. Oh man that was awful. The show started with a fifteen minute McMahon summit and then ended with a fifteen minute segment built around spraying Big Show with human waste. In between, there was something about Undertaker discovering a love of chains, a battle rap, and some short squashes. That’s how they’re going to make us want to see a pay per view featuring the battling McMahons and something called a biker chain match. This was a total misfire and one of the worst Smackdowns I can ever remember.

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Smackdown
Date: July 17, 2003
Location: Nationwide Arena, Columbus, Ohio
Commentators: Michael Cole, Tazz

We’re almost to Vengeance and the good things in the build towards the show have been quite good. At the same time though, the bad thing is very bad. Vince vs. Stephanie is running wild and for some reason we’re supposed to want to see Vince vs. Zach Gowen at the pay per view. Let’s get to it.

This was actually taped on Sunday as the Smackdown roster was going on an Asian tour.

We open with a recap of last week’s main event with Big Show chokeslamming Brock Lesnar through a table.

Opening sequence.

Here’s Vince to get things going. He recaps the Gowen story (minus the Hogan aspect) up to last week and blames Kurt Angle for Gowen winning his contract. The point is everyone needs to be taught a lesson, which is what Gowen learned last week (I think he meant to say Lesnar there).

Last week ended with Lesnar being chokeslammed through a table while Angle was in Vince’s office. Vince had Angle stay in the back because if he interfered, he would be out of the triple threat at Vengeance. Therefore tonight, Angle will be facing the same match tonight: no holds barred, falls count anywhere against Big Show/Charlie Haas/Shelton Benjamin.

Cue Lesnar to say he’s here to beat the boss….and Vince actually makes himself vs. Brock. Just not tonight of course. Vince wants Brock to be at 100% so tonight, Brock has the night off. That includes keeping him out of tonight’s handicap match. If he interferes, he’s stripped of the title and fired. Brock leaves, but since he can’t give Vince an F5, he’ll settle for FU.

US Title Tournament Semifinals: Matt Hardy vs. Chris Benoit

Matt, who’s beard is much cooler than Benoit’s and tans wearing only a sock, has Shannon Moore back in his corner. Benoit tries a Crossface less than ten seconds in (you don’t insult a man’s beard) but settles for a regular armbar instead. Matt gets tied up in the ropes so Shannon sneaks in for a neckbreaker to change control. It’s off to a seated full nelson for a bit until Benoit pops up with a running forearm to the head.

Shannon comes in again and is promptly suplexed over the top and out to the floor. The Crossface goes on but Matt, with a bloody nose or lip, is in the ropes in a hurry. A Side Effect gives Matt two but he misses a Swan Dive. Benoit rolls some German suplexes, only to miss a Swan Dive of his own. Matt takes him up top for a super Side Effect, only to be countered into the Crossface to send Benoit to Vengeance.

Rating: B-. Matt was trying hard out there and the finish looked awesome. This was a solid match and that’s not the most surprising thing in the world, especially given the fact that Hardy is back to his normal range of opponents. Hopefully this is the kind of match the US Title starts to represent and if that’s the case, Benoit will be just fine.

Vince is in Stephanie’s office when she comes in to say she expected to find him here. Sable isn’t here tonight but has sent a peace offering: Midol. It’s as funny as it sounds.

Brock goes to leave but and Angle can’t stop him.

Ultimo Dragon vs. Jamie Noble

Before the match, Jamie ups his offer to $25,000 for a night with Torrie Wilson. Nidia walks away in a huff. I’d have expected her to approve actually. Dragon kicks him down to start and seems surprised at Noble kicking out. Noble heads outside and there’s the Asai moonsault for good measure. Back in and Jamie kicks him down, only to have Billy Gunn and Torrie come out for a distraction. Dragon grabs a rollup for the pin. If Dragon needs Billy Gunn to beat a comedy cruiserweight, just leave now.

John Cena is in a cemetery and raps about Undertaker being gay and a dead issue. He also relieves himself on a grave.

We look back at Rey Mysterio and Billy Kidman becoming #1 contenders last week.

The APA invites Brian Kendrick and Spanky to the first ever APA Invitational Bar Room Brawl at Vengeance. Kanyon can’t go because his cable guy is coming. That’s not an option so threats of violence make Kanyon agree to reschedule.

Rey Mysterio/Billy Kidman vs. Los Conquistadors

These would be Conquistador #45 and #47, who I believe are Rob Conway and Nick Dinsmore. 45 (Conway) starts things off with Kidman and a headscissors takes the masked man down. Mysterio comes in but gets cheapshotted from the apron so 47 (who certainly looks like Dinsmore) can get in some forearms.

The masked men make a switch with no tag (the referee doesn’t notice despite 45 having blond hair sticking out from underneath the mask) and a neckbreaker gets two on Kidman. A powerbomb is broken up and there’s the 619 into the shooting star for the pin on 45. Not bad actually, but that’s not surprising given who was under the masks.

Here’s Vince for another chat. He’s not happy with being interrupted earlier because he wanted to talk about Sable, who is in the Presidential box. She’s up there for Stephanie’s protection and Vince explains her sexual prowess. This shifts into a discussion of Gowen, who has a handicap. That must make the fans feel a little uncomfortable and everyone here knows it. Sure they might give a few bucks to charity but that’s just a way to keep the conditions at arm’s length.

Cue Cena of all people, with Vince dancing a bit to his music. Cena talks about Gowen winning being an impossible mission because just like Ted Turner, he’s no competition. At Vengeance, he’s killing a dead man while Vince fights Christopher Reeves. Cena: “What’s better than a one legged wrestler? Being able to walk!” Vince: “Word life.” Undertaker comes out and clears the ring without much effort.

Rhyno vs. Sean O’Haire

They fight outside before the bell but here’s the APA to invite them to the Bar Room Invitational. I know Piper leaving messed with O’Haire’s push but this is all they have for him? Fighting ensues.

Sable complains about the service in her suite.

US Title Tournament Semifinals: Eddie Guerrero vs. Billy Gunn

Feeling out process to start until Gunn punches him down. A powerslam gets two and a delayed vertical suplex is good for the same. Eddie sends him into the corner and hammers away before getting two off a snapmare of all things. We hit a chinlock with Tazz making jokes about Torrie bouncing as she plays cheerleader. Billy fights up and hits a release faceplant, only to get caught in a half crab (looked to be the Lasso From El Paso but it fell apart).

Eddie’s brainbuster sets up the frog splash but Billy rolls away because this needs to keep going. Billy’s cobra clutch slam gets two (he’s no Jinder Mahal) and here’s Jamie for a distraction. Eddie gets in a chair shot and drops to the mat to make sure the referee doesn’t know who did it. So for once the referee actually heard the chair shot? That might be a first and Eddie gets the pin.

Rating: C-. So now the US Title tournament is being used to set up Gunn vs. Noble? They really are going for it this time around. Anyway, Eddie winning was the only option here and that’s the right move. At least we should get a classic out of the title match and Gunn vs. Noble can be five minutes long for the thrilling conclusion.

Sable is being interviewed when Stephanie sneaks in (read as walks in wearing a waiter’s uniform) to pour wine over Sable’s head. Catfighting ensues and food is spilled everywhere.

Kurt Angle vs. Big Show/World’s Greatest Tag Team

Hardcore. Angle gets double teamed in the corner to start as Show stands on the apron for the sake of dramatic convenience. Charlie gets sent head first into Shelton’s crotch though and it’s off to Big Show for a headbutt. A trashcan lid to the back gets two on Angle and the villains finally realize triple teaming is perfectly fine.

Back in and Show gets low bridged outside, leaving Angle to German suplex the normal sized opponents. A heck of a chair shot drops Show and we take a break. Back with Haas being sent over the barricade and Benjamin getting clotheslined down. They head into the crowd with Benjamin being thrown through a gate and Charlie getting caught in the ankle lock. Show makes a save and takes Angle to the stage.

The group beatdown continues until Angle cleans house with a trashcan lid. Show gets in a clothesline though and here’s Gowen for some jumping knees to the head. Angle Slams take down Show and Benjamin but Show is up fast enough to save Haas from the ankle lock. Gowen gets thrown into the barricade but Angle hits Show with the steps. Back in and Shelton kicks Charlie by mistake, setting up the ankle lock for the submission.

Rating: B-. I liked this more than I expected to as they allowed the match to build up and let Angle hang in there long enough to steal a win. The interference helps a bit and while it’s a stretch to have Angle beat them, he didn’t pin Show and outsmarted the champs rather than flat out defeating them. Good match, especially with Angle one upping Lesnar after last week.

Overall Rating: C-. They kept the Vince/Stephanie/Sable/Gowen stuff on more of a leash this week and it helped a lot. Unfortunately we got two Gunn vs. Noble segments instead so it kind of balances out. The wrestling was better this week with some matches getting time, though there are still a lot of problems around here. That being said, Vengeance is looking better each week as there’s a chance that they’ll give the matches enough time to pay off all the build put into them. Not a great show, but they’re fixing some of the problems.

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Smackdown
Date: June 19, 2003
Location: SBC Center, San Antonio, Texas
Commentators: Michael Cole, Tazz

So after last week’s main event saw Big Show and Brock Lesnar break the ring, it’s probably time to set up a rematch because these two have to be stuck fighting each other forever. Other than that Kurt Angle is back and full on face again, having fired Team Angle. There are some good stories going on around here at the moment so let’s get to it.

We open with a look at the superplex. I was worried it would be the arm wrestling.

Opening sequence.

Show gets his rematch for the title tonight.

Undertaker vs. Nunzio

Just in case the first two times didn’t make it clear. Nunzio threatens some kicks but a glare from Undertaker sends him bailing to the floor. The other Italians offer a distraction, only to have Undertaker ram Nunzio back first into the post for his efforts. Back in and the chokeslam…sends Nunzio over the top onto the other Italians. Back in and the Last Ride (with Nunzio crossing himself in the air) completes the destruction.

Rating: D-. So you know all those times where Undertaker beat up the FBI? This is the third one in a row. I’m not sure what the point of wasting Undertaker for the better part of two months like this is but I’m sure there’s a reason for it somewhere. Nothing match of course and just a squash.

Post match the beatdown is on but the APA of all people return (with Bradshaw sporting horrible looking blond hair) for the save. You know, because Undertaker needs help with the FBI.

Zack Gowan goes to Stephanie McMahon’s office but finds Sable instead. He’ll wait inside though.

Clip of Paul Heyman turning on Lesnar at Survivor Series because Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar is a big enough feud to get a history package throughout the night.

Rhyno and Chris Benoit come out for a tag match….and here’s Stephanie to say let’s make it a singles match. Eh we might as well make it a first round match in a tournament for the US Title, with the finals taking place in July at Vengeance.

US Title Tournament First Round: Chris Benoit vs. Rhyno

Benoit’s armbar doesn’t go anywhere so let’s hit a GO SPURS GO chant with Tazz sounding a bit annoyed. A headlock doesn’t seem to bore the crowd as much but Rhyno would rather drive Benoit into the corner. Some kicks send Rhyno bailing to the floor and we take a break. Back with Rhyno grabbing a half crab and taking over the heel role.

An Alley Oop into the corner drops Benoit again and gets a gasp from the Spurs happy fans. Another hard clothesline drops Benoit and a powerslam is good for two. We hit the chinlock as the crowd is gone again, albeit without the chanting. This goes on WAY too long, much like the match as a whole actually. Rhyno tells his partner to fight back, which Benoit does for a few clotheslines.

A snap suplex gets two but the German suplex has a bit more impact. The Swan Dive connects (with a nasty looking landing) for another near fall, only to have Rhyno come back with a DDT. That means both guys get to stay down even more, which continues to feel like stalling. An ax handle to the back gives Rhyno two but he charges into the Crossface for the tap.

Rating: D+. The match could have been worse but the time killed everything here. There’s no need for them to be out there for sixteen minutes with a long chinlock taking up so much of that time. Benoit vs. Rhyno wasn’t going to tear the house down but throwing it in the first round of a surprise tournament probably wasn’t the best usage of whatever they could have gotten from the thing.

Benoit takes his sweet time letting go and Rhyno isn’t interested in his help getting up. As he shouldn’t be.

Sable lets Gowan touch her chest. It’s as awkward as you can imagine it being.

Ultimo Dragon is here next week.

Rey Mysterio vs. Kanyon

Non-title of course. This is Kanyon’s first match on one of the main shows since October 2001 and he doesn’t even get an entrance. Kanyon gets sent outside early on but manages to catch Rey and drop him onto the barricade. Back in and Kanyon counters another springboard into a backbreaker and we hit a chinlock. Kanyon tries a superplex but Rey knocks him back, setting up a top rope seated senton for two of his own. A springboard moonsaults gives Rey two more and the West Coast Pop gives Rey the pin.

Rating: C. Maybe it was the lack of a character or this match (which was hardly terrible) but, outside of a battle royal at the upcoming pay per view, that’s Kanyon’s last match on the main roster. You would think they could find something for him to do but apparently not quite. Mysterio winning here was of course the right call and gives him something to do while we wait for him to find a new feud for the title.

Lesnar cost Big Show the title at Armageddon.

Here’s the former Team Angle, now in matching maroon singlets. Benjamin says they’re not about to come crawling back to Angle for a spot on the team. The name Angle was holding them back because Kurt represents everything they’re not. Haas challenges Angle for next week but here’s Kurt now instead. That’s quite the prompt response. Angle says maybe they’re right and maybe they are the best tag team period. There are only two words that Angle takes exception to though: next week. Angle is ready to go right now.

Kurt Angle vs. Charlie Haas

Impromptu match. Angle takes him down without too much effort and the fans are behind the returning hero. A keylock keeps Haas in trouble and Angle throws him down without much effort. Haas’ headlock only has a limited effect until Angle reverses into a catapult to send Charlie outside in a heap.

Back in and Haas slaps him in the face, which draws a rather unpleasant smile to Angle’s face. Haas sends him outside again though, meaning Angle smiled prematurely. With the nitwit referee distracted, Benjamin sends Angle into the steps, earning himself an ejection. Ok so maybe we’ll go with moron instead of nitwit.

Back from a break with Haas working on the shoulder which went into the steps. Angle fights up and slugs away before channeling his inner Shawn Michaels for a flying forearm. A German suplex cuts Angle off though and Haas takes down the straps. You don’t steal gimmicks though, meaning Kurt reverses an Angle Slam and hits one of his own for the pin.

Rating: C+. Nice match here with the guys getting time, mainly for the sake of Angle getting back into the swing of things. Haas is a good choice for an opponent in the comeback match as Angle knows the style well and won’t make too many mistakes. This was all it needed to be and entertained as a bonus.

Post match Haas and Benjamin beat Angle down until Lesnar makes the save.

Back on Halloween, Big Show chokeslammed Lesnar through the announcers’ table. Is there a reason we’re going back in time on these clips?

Sable kisses Gowan and shoves everything off of Stephanie’s desk. Gowan says her name and shows how horrible of an actor he is as the camera leans over Sable’s shoulder. Sable cuts him off though and asks if Gowan is crazy. He could never have a woman like her because he’s not a real man. Vince comes in and sends Gowan away. They break down in laughter with Vince saying Sable was great.

Billy Gunn vs. Jamie Noble

The guys take turns spanking their respective ladies because the writers of this show seem rather sexually frustrated. A Torrie chant breaks out as the guys fight over a wristlock. The announcers talk about Torrie looking better than Tony Chimmel and now the fans want puppies. Noble grabs a leglock as the announcers are happy with various camera shots of Torrie. Billy fights up but the leg gives out on a gorilla press. It’s fine enough for a Fameasser attempt but Nidia grabs Billy’s leg. The catfight is on until Billy breaks it up, followed by the Fameasser for the pin.

Rating: D. I know Billy has a good look and all that jazz but sweet goodness how many more times do I have to hear about how great he is while listening to that stupid song? It was fun while he was a comedy goof but they’re treating him like something serious, which makes the whole gimmick even more ridiculous. You can’t have it both ways and the fact that Gunn just isn’t all that great doesn’t help things.

Lesnar beat Big Show in a stretcher match.

Eddie Guerrero vs. Sean O’Haire

Roddy Piper has a bottle of tequila with him. Sean hammers away to start and gives Eddie a release flapjack with Eddie still wearing the title. It’s off to a waistlock for a good long while but Sean’s spinning kick to the head misses. Eddie starts in on the knee with a dropkick followed by a second to the chest. That’s enough to set up the frog splash but Piper offers a distraction so Sean can roll away. The reverse fireman’s carry slam (now called the Prophecy) is enough to end Guerrero.

Rating: D. There’s not much you can do in a match that’s just over three minutes and a minute of that is spent in a waistlock. I’ll give them points for having Sean win as he needs something positive but there’s not much he’s going to be able to do while Piper is out there. Piper is the guy who will wind up with the attention and that’s been the case the entire time. O’Haire’s win was close enough to clean here but you need more than one win in a three minute match.

Vince and Sable are gloating about pulling off the Gowan deal, which makes me wonder what they’ve been doing in the time since we last saw them. They kiss (kind of, though it’s more Vince rubbing his lip over hers) before Vince mocks Gowan’s actions earlier. Sable starts taking her top off when Stephanie comes in to throw her out. Stephanie goes into a rant about Stephanie taking her to dinners with his business associates where he would, I kid you not, offer them sex with Stephanie….who apparently went along with it.

She’s not going to let Vince do that with Gowan though (HUH?) because Gowan is her last chance to save herself (HUH HUH?). If Vince is going to fire her then do it, even though it means he’ll lose the one person who has ever cared about her and wanted to be like him (She wanted to be a man who pimped out his underage daughter in business deals???). Stephanie finally stops the crying/screeching voice and storms off, ending one of the most bizarre segments in the history of the McMahons.

So to recap: Vince was trading sex with his underage daughter (make your own Randy Savage joke) in exchange for business deals (in theory, as the way Stephanie put it he might have just been doing it for fun. Therefore, she’s championing Zack Gowan (though not really as Gowan just showed up and is more Hogan’s project than hers) so Vince can’t do the same thing to him (though Vince is really just mocking him instead of….whatever you call what she claimed Vince did) so she can be free of him…..whatever that means. I mean, if she wanted to be free of him, why is she not WORKING SOMEWHERE ELSE?

I’ll give the McMahon storylines this: they’re rather ambitious at times. Unfortunately they make pretty much no sense but they’re certainly not run of the mill stuff. Between this and the Stephanie signing Mr. America story, it’s been a rather eventful summer and there’s no sign of it slowing down at all.

Next week: Undertaker/APA vs. FBI. Why would I want to watch a public execution?

Last week, Lesnar and Big Show broke the ring.

Smackdown World Title: Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar

Lesnar is defending and drives him into the corner to start. Show gets knocked outside so they can send each other into the barricade. Some chops and right hands have Lesnar rocked a bit, followed by a clothesline for two. The slow pace continues and we hit the abdominal stretch. That goes nowhere so it’s a big boot and legdrop for two on the champ.

Show can’t get a superplex so Brock shoves him down for a top rope clothesline. A release German suplex sends Show flying (well, hovering at least) in the first interesting move of the match. The F5 doesn’t work as Show grabs the rope, drawing in Haas and Benjamin to jump Lesnar for the DQ.

Rating: D. This was every slow, dull Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar match you’ve ever seen. There’s only so much these two can do to each other with Lesnar throwing him around and Big Show hitting him hard. They’ve run out of stuff to do and the problem with that is it makes the feud seem a bit less epic than WWE would like you to believe.

Angle runs in for the save and an Angle Slam on Show. He takes too long with Haas and Benjamin though, allowing Show to get in a chokeslam. This brings out Mr. America for the house cleaning until another chokeslam plants him as well. Six man next week it would seem.

Overall Rating: D. They did a lot of stuff here as we’re getting ready for Vengeance, hopefully with less of a focus on Vince vs. Stephanie. That line about Vince sending her out to business associates made my head spin, which is becoming more and more common with their stories. The main idea here was they were trying to do stuff, which is better than not trying. Unfortunately it’s not really working, mainly because a lot of the people they’re pushing aren’t interesting or the time they need is being taken up by the Vince vs. Stephanie stuff. This show wasn’t the worst and at least they’re trying.

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Smackdown
Date: June 12, 2003
Location: TD Waterhouse Center, Orlando, Florida
Commentators: Michael Cole, Tazz

It’s a big night here as Smackdown has one of those pay per view main events on TV when Raw has the brand exclusive show. Tonight it’s Brock Lesnar defending the title against Big Show, plus Vince McMahon vs. Zack Gowan in an arm wrestling match for Gowan’s contract. Ok I didn’t say it was a high quality pay per view match. Let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of Rey Mysterio winning the Cruiserweight Title last week. You really would have thought it would be the Mr. America stuff or Brock Lesnar vs. Big Show but this is a nice surprise.

Opening sequence.

Cruiserweight Title: Matt Hardy vs. Rey Mysterio

Rey is defending and Matt, who is too handsome to wear a mask like Rey, tells the MF’ers to stay in the back. Matt goes right at Rey to start and whips him hard into the corner. An early 619 misses and Matt hammers away some more. A middle rope neckbreaker is broken up so Rey hits a super bulldog to put both guys down instead.

Rey’s springboard seated senton gets two, only to tweak the bad groin on a leapfrog attempt. It’s fine enough for the 619 though and a springboard legdrop gets two. Back up and Matt drops him onto the middle rope, messing up the injury again. Splash Mountain gets two on the champ but he blocks the Twist of Fate. A West Coast Pop from the top without the springboard retains the title in a hurry.

Rating: B-. They kept it moving out there and that’s what this needed to be. Mysterio retaining again, despite being injured, makes it clear that he’s the better man of the two and should wrap things up between them. As a bonus, it’s a great way to open the show as they’re in and out less than ten minutes into the show with the fans having something to cheer about.

It’s time for Piper’s Pit, but an international version. Piper has a table set up with sombreros, booze and various other things, all set up for guests Eddie Guerrero and Tajiri. Eddie is very excited to be on the show and Piper seems equally happy. He talks about Eddie and Tajiri being all about lying, cheating and stealing, which Eddie says is them being honest.

Piper says the truth is Sean O’Haire will be the next World Champion, so Eddie should let him hold one of the Tag Team Titles. Eddie isn’t going to do that, but Tajiri hands his over for a plate of sushi. A fight is about to break out so let’s have some tequila instead. Tajiri spits his in Piper’s face though and they steal the belt back without much effort.

Sable is in Stephanie’s office and using her computer when Stephanie comes in. After claiming to have been looking for Zack Gowan’s contract, Sable mentions that Stephanie is bringing back the US Title (well thank goodness). Stephanie says it’s true and insults Sable a bit, saying that Sable will never be able to con her (Stephanie is too smart you see).

Billy Gunn vs. A-Train

Torrie Wilson is guest ring announcer here for no apparent reason. She introduces the returning Billy and seems to have a thing for him. Billy slugs away with some clotheslines, followed by the Stinger Splash in the corner. A bicycle kick cuts him off but the Derailer is countered, setting up a quick Fameasser to give Billy the pin.

Torrie lets Billy give him a quick spank post match.

Undertaker vs. Johnny Stamboli

Yes this is still going. Stamboli charges in and gets punched down in the corner for his efforts. The FBI distraction doesn’t work as Undertaker punches them away without too much effort, mainly because he’s the Undertaker and they’re the FBI. Stamboli finally gets in a baseball slide for a breather and Palumbo’s superkick takes Undertaker down. A slingshot legdrop and a suplex get two on Undertaker. Since he’s an athletic freak, Stamboli jumps from the mat to the top and spins around with a legdrop that only hits mat. The Last Ride gives Undertaker the pin.

Rating: D. The more I see of Stamboli, the more impressed I am. He was never going to be a big star because the basics weren’t exactly great but some of the athletic feats he pulled off were very impressive. Of course when he’s done those feats he’s lost to Rikishi and Undertaker, at least one of which wasn’t exactly necessary. This feud really needs to end soon though as it’s not doing anything for anyone involved.

The FBI chairs Undertaker down.

Mr. America helps Gowan warm up for the arm wrestling.

Here’s Stephanie to run the arm wrestling match. Naturally she has something to say but Sable comes out to cut her off. Apparently she’s Stephanie’s assistant, even though I thought they said she was Vince’s last week. Eh it’s not interesting either way so here are Gowan and Mr. America. Vince is out next and looks as jacked as he has in years.

We’re not ready to go yet though as America challenges Vince to arm wrestle him instead. Sable whispers into Vince’s ear and the boss agrees, upon two conditions. First of all, Gowan vs. Vince is still on for later. However, if Vince beats America, he leaves for the other arm wrestling. Why do I feel like I need legal representation for this? They go left handed to save Vince’s arm for later and America flips him off at the same time. Sable accuses America of cheating so they let go, causing Stephanie to threaten to disqualify her father.

This time it’s right handed and America is about to win until Sable flashes him to give Vince the win. Vince gloats about the win and compliments Sable’s……eyes as America and Stephanie leave. So Gowan and Vince go now with Vince being in some trouble until he kicks the bad leg out to win. Gowan is stunned and Vince tells him that he needs athletes, not freaks. I’m not going to be able to top that one so thankfully this is over. This was really long and I don’t think it actually changed anything, making it a perfect fit for this story.

Post break America is consoling Gowan when Big Show comes in to gloat a bit.

Chris Benoit/Rhyno vs. Basham Brothers

The Bashams debut Linda Miles as their manager Shaniqua. Tazz recognizes her as Miles (it’s not hard to miss) and wants to know why she has a riding crop. Rhyno runs Danny over to start but a hair pull from the apron lets Danny put on a chinlock. That’s shoved away without much effort and the hot tag brings in Benoit. Suplexes abound and Doug gets caught in the Crossface until Danny makes a save. Rhyno punches Benoit by mistake and a Rough Ryder gives Danny the pin.

Rating: D+. More angle advancement here as we move closer to Benoit and Rhyno finally splitting. The Bashams aren’t much yet and Shaniqua really doesn’t need to be there but that’s never stopped WWE before. The tag division does need some fresh talent and it’s not like they’re as dull as the FBI. At the moment the Bashams don’t have any real characters so they’re already better than the stereotype gimmicks.

Benoit and Rhyno argue in the back.

John Cena vs. Funaki

Before the match, Cena raps about Cole loves boy bands, including O-Town. Cena charges into a boot, blocks the tornado DDT and finishes with the FU (much more like the modern version) in less than a minute.

Here’s Kurt Angle for a chat. After promising to be a champion again soon, Kurt wants to talk to Team Angle. Kurt wants to know where they were last week but Team Angle says they were sick. Benjamin: “Sick of being in your shadow.” Where was Kurt when they needed him to be part of the team? Angle yells at them for not responding to a setback before telling them to think about how to get the Tag Team Titles back.

Haas says hang on a second and points out the loss at Wrestlemania where he broke his neck (not exactly). They fought Lesnar and didn’t break their necks, meaning Angle is a loser! Kurt says the YOU SUCK chants have been earned, which only he can make sound like a positive.

Haas says Kurt can still be on the team, but they’re the leaders now. That’s not cool with Kurt, who throws both of them off the team. Angle even kicks dirt on them like an umpire and they actually leave. Kurt was hilarious here but Haas’ line about not breaking their necks was the best in the whole thing. Good stuff here and funny, as Angle can always do.

During the break, Haas and Benjamin beat Angle down. Cole: “Is that how you handle things? You get fired and you beat up your boss?” Tazz: “Well yeah. I did.”

Smackdown World Title: Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar

Brock is defending and gets clotheslined down early on. Show blocks a belly to belly without too much effort but gets low bridged to the floor in a rather large crash. A whip sends Brock into the steps and a side slam gives Show two. Show’s half crab has Brock in some trouble but he makes the rope, as expected.

Lesnar shrugs it off but can’t hold him up for the F5. The chokeslam is broken up but Show runs him over and drops a leg for two. Now the chokeslam connects for another two and Show is frustrated. He loads up a super chokeslam but Lesnar reverses into a superplex….and they break the ring. They’re both pretty much dead so the match is thrown out.

Rating: D+. I’m rather sick of seeing these two fight but that was quite the visual to help move things along. It’s certainly a great crash and a unique finish but it also likely means a rematch. Lesnar sold a bunch here and Show’s stuff was fine, though once you’ve seen these two fight once, you’ve seen it every time and that’s not good for the champion and almost perennial #1 contender.

Doctors come out (with Cole getting in the of “trainers, referees, EMT’s down”, which was used on the Do Not Try This At Home announcements for years) and check on them both to end the show.

Overall Rating: D. Really weak show for the most part here with only a big visual and a good opener on the positive side. They need something fresh around here and while the US Title coming back will open up some possibilities, Lesnar vs. Big Show and the Mr. America stuff just isn’t going to get them very far. Bad show here, but not a hopeless disaster.

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Smackdown
Date: April 24, 2003
Location: Gaylord Entertainment Center, Nashville, Tennessee
Commentators: Michael Cole, Tazz

It’s the go home show for Backlash and we have a Smackdown main event. This time around it’s going to be rookie upstart John Cena challenging Brock Lesnar for the Smackdown World Title, meaning it’s likely time for a big face to face showdown. Other than that it’s Rikishi vs. Roddy Piper tonight for reasons I don’t even want to begin to understand. Let’s get to it.

Opening sequence.

The announcers preview the show with Cole making sure to say that “we are just 72 hours away, three days, from Backlash”. I have that 72 hours, three days thing burned into my head after hearing Cole say it all those years.

John Cena vs. Rhyno

Before the match, Cena raps his history, which basically summarizes the tournament and says he’s winning on Sunday. He also promises graphic footage to prove that Lesnar shouldn’t be champion. Rhyno wins the early power battle and sends him outside, only to get dropkicked on the way back inside.

A middle rope Fameasser with Rhyno draped over the ropes has Rhyno in trouble and it’s time to start in on the neck. Back in and we hit the armbar for a good bit until Rhyno fights up with a powerslam. The still yet to be named Throwback sets up the ProtoBomb but Rhyno catches him in a spinebuster. The Gore misses though and Cena rolls him up for the pin.

Rating: D+. Just a power match here and I kind of like the idea of Cena making a power guy miss a catch him on a quick pin as it gives him another option to take the title from Lesnar. Unfortunately it wasn’t a great match in the first place, but at least Cena won and beat someone that the fans still care about.

Mr. America is coming.

The FBI annoys Chris Benoit for losing last week when they had a bet on him. They want their money back but Nunzio winds up with a match against Benoit instead.

Sable flaunts her body to Josh Matthews and hypes up the Sable Invitational body contest later tonight.

Some wrestlers toured a Navy ship earlier this week.

Chris Benoit vs. Nunzio

Stamboli and Palumbo get in some shots from behind while Nunzio has the referee. As usual the referee has no issue with Benoit being down despite his opponent not touching him and doesn’t even yell at the other Italians. They trade some chops with the Canadian getting the better of it (well duh) but Palumbo trips Benoit again. The Sicilian Slice (middle rope Fameasser) gives Nunzio two and a swinging neckbreaker is good for the same. An enziguri finally gets Benoit out of trouble and grabs the rolling German suplexes. Nunzio pops up but the springboard armbar is countered into the Crossface for the tap.

Rating: D. I’m hoping they pull the plug on the FBI thing in the very near future as it’s just not interesting. Nunzio is the best worker of the team and even he’s only decent. On top of that, it’s such a simple and not very interesting idea. They’re just stereotypical mob thugs and that’s far from good enough to survive. At least Benoit won though.

Benoit gets beaten down post match.

Tajiri and Funaki watch Rey Mysterio 619 Big Show last week and have a hearty laugh. Cue Big Show to destroy the TV and VCR to blow off some steam.

Rey Mysterio vs. Crash

Crash is now an MF’er, meaning a follower of Matt Hardy, who only uses low fat salad dressings. Tazz dubs Crash a Moore-On as he’s working his way up to MF’er. Rey dropkicks Shannon to the floor but gets armbarred for his efforts. The sitout bulldog is countered with a belly to back suplex (Crash is the first person to come up with that counter?) but the kickouts frustrate Crash. Now the bulldog works fine and the springboard seated senton sets up a tornado DDT to give Rey two. The 619 sets up the springboard legdrop to put Crash away.

Rating: D+. I’m not sure how this is supposed to help Rey get ready for Big Show on Sunday. Crash doesn’t exactly fit the mold for a goon as he wrestled his usual not great match here without looking like anything more than a bad wrestler. This should be setting up Rey vs. Matt but it’s Rey vs. Big Show for reasons I don’t understand.

Cena gives A-Train a pep talk and shows him Lesnar giving him a very scary F5 that saw A-Train landing on his head. That was edited off the actual broadcast if you don’t remember seeing it. A-Train wants to end Lesnar.

Rikishi vs. Roddy Piper

Unfortunately Piper wrestles (work with me here) with his shirt off and the blinded referee doesn’t see Sean O’Haire hit a low blow. Some right hands knock Piper backwards and Sean takes a few of his own but O’Haire comes in to break up the Stinkface for the DQ.

O’Haire beats him down even more and adds the reverse Death Valley Driver.

The evil French guys (now officially La Resistance) are still coming.

It’s time for Sable’s body contest. Before anyone comes out, Sable says this is designed to see if anyone can be as sexy as Torrie. However, Torrie won’t be here tonight because she’s feeling a bit fat lately as she hasn’t been able to get to the gym with all the Playboy stuff. Nidia and Dawn Marie come out and are about to do their thing until Torrie comes out, as expected.

Nidia and Dawn do their thing and get their standard reactions. It’s time for Torrie, who hits on Sable, giving her kind of a standing lap dance, complete with lollipop, and….loses anyway. The beatdown is on and Torrie is left laying as this story is now more confusing than anything else. So Sable is now a lesbian cougar who didn’t interest Torrie but now Torrie is interested (or just playing the proverbial “mind games”) but Sable isn’t interested? Is that where we are?

Chavo Guerrero vs. Shelton Benjamin

Team Angle is dedicating their win on Sunday to Kurt. Shelton takes him down without too much effort but lets Chavo up pretty quickly. Chavo scores with a dropkick and a clothesline as Tazz thinks Eddie stole money from him. Why were Los Guerreros never accused of stealing the FBI’s money a few weeks back? It’s kind of their thing to do.

Chavo’s hurricanrana gets two but he walks into a belly to belly for the same. A quickly broken camel clutch doesn’t do Shelton much good as Chavo grabs a flapjack. An STF that John Cena would think looks bad has Shelton in trouble but Charlie Haas pulls him over to the rope. The referee yells at Eddie for going after Haas, allowing Charlie to turn over a rollup and give Shelton the pin.

Rating: C-. They tried to put a bit too much into this and it wasn’t as good as I was expecting. At least they actually set up something for Sunday as that hasn’t seemed to be the case for most of the night. Chavo is the weaker of the team but he’s certainly capable of having a good match. There was a bit too much interference to let that work here though and it was kind of a mess as a result.

Cena talks trash to Lesnar.

Big Show vs. Tajiri

Show catches him without much trouble and a clothesline cuts off the kicks. A charge misses and Show crotches himself, allowing Tajiri to fire off more kicks. Show’s kick drops Tajiri again but here’s Mysterio’s music for a distraction. Not that it matters as the chokeslam plants Tajiri. Cue Rey in person to post Show, drawing a countout.

Rating: D-. So let me make sure I’ve got this straight: Show has been humiliated twice in a row and is likely to squash Mysterio on Sunday, Rey is little more than a fly who is going to be swatted in the actual match, Tajiri gets treated like a jobber and Mysterio/Tajiri beating Team Angle to start the whole thing meant nothing at all. If someone would be interested in pointing out a positive in this whole mess, please let me know.

Stephanie McMahon is bent over a table for no apparent reason other than she probably thought she looked good that day (granted she’s not wrong). She’s an All-American girl and is happy to have Mr. America here next week.

Backlash rundown.

Brock Lesnar vs. A-Train

Non-title with Cena on commentary. Lesnar’s pyro when he jumps to the apron seems to shake Cena, which you don’t see very often. Joined in progress after a break with an exchange of power shoves. We hit a front facelock with Brock rolling A-Train around like he’s not even there. Back up and a big collision puts both of them down and it’s another staredown.

Brock finally gets a more definitive advantage by clotheslining A-Train to the floor, allowing Cena to trash talk even more. The distraction lets A-Train kick him in the face to take over, followed by the chinlock. Brock fights up but gets puts right back down with a hard shoulder. A powerslam works a bit better for Lesnar, only to have A-Train grab the Derailer for two. Cena: “WHAT’S UP WITH CHIODA DOG??? WAY OUT OF POSITION!” The F5 plants A-Train a few seconds later but Cena comes in for the DQ.

Rating: D. Slow, plodding power match here with an obvious and dull ending. Lesnar winning is fine and A-Train got in some big shots despite having no change to win. There’s no hiding the fact that Lesnar vs. Cena is the only Smackdown match that matters on Sunday but it’s looking like little more than a glorified squash. Bad main event to a bad show.

Cena chains Lesnar in the head and hits the Death Valley Driver (now the standard AA). A belt shot to Lesnar’s head ends the show.

Overall Rating: F+. The best thing on the show was a lackluster Chavo vs. Shelton match as it’s clear that the Smackdown side of Backlash means absolutely nothing. Brock vs. Cena is the distant third biggest match on the pay per view card and everything else is complete filler. This show did nothing to shake that idea as the whole thing was Lesnar vs. Cena and everything else, none of which was interesting in the slightest. It was a terrible show and another part of a horrid stretch for the brand.

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