Guilty As Charged 1999
Date: January 10, 1999
Location: Millennium Theater, Kissimmee, Florida
Attendance: 2,600
Commentator: Joey Styles

So tonight after about eight months of waiting too long, it’s FINALLY time for Shane vs. Taz. The main problem here is simple: until this point, no one bought for a second that anyone but Taz was going to take the belt off of Shane, so there was no point in caring about any other challenger.

The other issue was Taz wasn’t nearly as hot anymore. RVD was arguably the hottest guy on the roster but after the WAY long build for Taz, he had to have the belt at least 3-4 months. Other than that there’s not a lot here. Dreamer vs. Credible in a ladder match and that’s about it. Let’s get to 1999 in ECW.

Heyman thanks us for buying the event. He says the card has to be changed and Tanaka and Lynn won’t be working tonight, so instead of Tanaka vs. RVD and Lynn vs. Storm and Spike we get Storm vs. Van Dam. I like them just flat out telling us. It’s a nice little touch as the reality is simple: bad stuff happens sometimes and you have to deal with it at times. Good for Paul to just flat out say it.

Joey says ECW is Guilty as Charged. Doesn’t say what they’re guilty of but whatever.

Cue theme song.

Danny Doring/Roadkill vs. Full Blooded Italians

Doring and Roadkill don’t even get an entrance on PPV. That’s saying a lot about them I’d say. It’s Smothers and Guido in case you were wondering. Not a terrible choice for an opener I guess. Joey goes silent for a long time for no apparent reason. The arena setup is really weird as the ramp is coming from the bottom as opposed to the side. And here are Rotten and Mahoney.

Apparently this is now a three way dance. Ah there’s Joey. I wonder if Rotten ever got annoyed with the music always being about Mahoney. Rotten says he hates this dancing stuff so now it’s a three way dance, meaning elimination rules. Well sure why not. Yep it’s chair shot time. There’s no one in the ring at all. Ah ok we have Mahoney and Smothers in there. The commentary is really quiet as it’s hard to hear Joey.

Of course there’s nothing resembling tagging or wrestling at all here so it’s ECW. Ok that’s not fair or true but you get the point. Apparently Roadkill screws sheep. The ring is REALLY loud. He puts Smothers down and in a move that literally has my mouth hanging open, Roadkill hits a top rope splash ¾ across the ring. That was IMPRESSIVE.

And the Italians put out Roadkill and Doring with a double fisherman’s suplex. Rotten has been nowhere to be seen for a LONG time now. Oh there he is on the apron. Both freaky looking guys hit their finishers on the Italians to end it. They add a pair of SICK chair shots for the heck of it.

Rating: D+. Just way too short to mean anything here. It was beat up one guy, go for a finisher, counter finisher, hit finisher, pin. The adding in of the Freaks helped too I think as it’s not like this was anything remotely resembling interesting otherwise so there’s nothing wrong with that. Still though just something to get the crowd going and it worked pretty well in that sense. Match was awful though.

Terry Funk is here to complain about Tommy Dreamer. Apparently this is about Jake Roberts for some reason. Yes I know the story behind it.

Yoshihiro Tajiri vs. Super Crazy

Tajiri is in regular tights here and he looks weird like that. He looks YOUNG too. This should be fun if nothing else. Joey sums up Tajiri by saying he loves to kick. Yep that’s accurate. DANG they are freaking moving out there. That was awesome looking right there. Not huge on Tajiri completely no selling that spinning DDT but whatever. There’s that handspring elbow. I love that move.

Picture perfect Asai moonsault follows that up. SICK kick to Crazy’s head and a Tarantula follow that up. Awesome stuff. I always cringe whenever someone is put in a surfboard. That move is just freaking painful looking. This is awesome to say the least. They trade rollups but both guys just get two. It’s followed up by some insane strikes and counters that I can’t keep up with. Tajiri ends it with a Dragon Suplex (full nelson into a suplex pin).

Rating: A-. OH YES. Ok, now if this was what ECW meant by the best of the rest of the world, I get it. This was AMAZINGLY fun to watch. It’s about 11 minutes long which is perfect as both guys were starting to get a bit tired at the end so instead of sucking the life out of the place at the end they wrapped it up. This was awesome and very fun at the same time. It was a spotfest and there isn’t a thing wrong with that. Incredibly entertaining match.

Come see us!

John Kronus vs. ???

Kronus has completely outlived his usefulness at this point and no one cares. Judge Jeff Jones debuts as the Judge instead of being the crooked referee that he had been for months prior to this. Considering Bill Clinton had a heart issue last night, his jokes about him are a bit touchy. He declares a bunch of people Guilty as Charged.

Apparently Kronus beat Jones up at a live show. He brings out Sid Vicious to beat the tar out of Kronus. Sid throws him through a table which more or less explodes. There’s a massive POWERBOMB chant. For the life of me I never got why Sid was so over but he always was to be fair. This might have lasted two minutes at most.

Rating: N/A. Well he’s a bigger deal than Jake Roberts if nothing else. Never been that big on him but he got a pop and a freaking half so there we go.

We recap Shane vs. Taz, including Taz vs. Sabu. Oh and Shane offered him Francine. She was hotter than given credit for. Sabu got his neck broken…again, by Taz. I guess this made more sense in context. Oh ok it was a plot by Taz to get into the ECW Title picture and drop the FTW belt. Got it.

Gertner and the Dudleys show up unannounced for no apparent reason. Clean shaven Bubba is odd looking. They’re only five time champions here. That’s odd to say the least. Big Dick just growls at the camera. Nicely done. Gertner makes these shows, period. He’s the bacon in her eggs, the man for whom she begs and the face between her legs. He’s talking about Daisy Duck of all….well actually non people in this case.

I have a new favorite line from Gertner. When talking about Sign Guy: he’s pretty fly for a sign guy. Apparently Big Dick split open YOUR 42 year old mother and then gave it to her like a pair of 21 year old twins. Yep, I love Gertner. They call out anyone and they get a pretty bad answer.

Dudley Boys vs. New Jack/Spike Dudley

Oh great. IT’S THAT STUPID SONG!!! Spike is dressed like a gangsta. I hate my life. Two guesses as to what the primary focus of this match is. Go ahead and guess. BOY TAKE A GUESS! Spike almost gets his head taken off by a shot with something made of metal. D-Von just unloads on New Jack. Spike is launched into the crowd and they body surf him back to the ring. You know ECW: always doing new stuff. And let’s just do it again!

The faces both have guitars and the heels both have chairs. Big Dick winds up taking both guitars. And New jack is freaking cheered for this stuff. They botch a 3D on the ramp so it looks like Jack splashes Bubba. He never even touches the ramp. Ok wait so a guitar being broken over the head of Dick does nothing but an Acid Drop puts him down. A good 3D ends Spike and thankfully that song too.

Post match the Dudleys just freaking kill New Jack with chair shots. They then talk about how they’ve destroyed every team in ECW history. He calls out Public Enemy for a match in six days. They actually did show up despite working for WCW at the time.

Rating: F-. I hate these things and I always have. Call it bias or whatever but guys like New Jack are a disgrace to the sport of pro wrestling and anything he’s involved in is a failure on the part of the booker for putting him on the card. He has no business in wrestling and should be in jail for attempted murder with the Grimes incident.

Big long RVD video package set to Walk. Nothing wrong with that. So instead of Tanaka it’s Storm vs. Van Dam. That could work quite well.

TV Title: Rob Van Dam vs. Lance Storm

Dawn Marie isn’t human. She can’t be. Storm gets in a great line: he’s not the whole F’ing show but he’s the best part of it. Now Paul make sure you pay attention to the reaction that Van Dam gets, because you won’t be hearing anything like it in the main event. We get a LONG feeling out process that actually isn’t boring at all. I’ve always liked the way Storm threw punches for some reason. Storm gets the half crab which doesn’t mean anything yet.

Fonzie and Dawn (Tammy Lynn Bytch at the time but not a lot of people would get that name) go at it on the floor which lets Van Dam take over. SWEET superkick by Storm. Has to be the second best guy at that ever. We’re in the crowd now and in probably one of the five sickest bumps I’ve ever seen, Van Dam gets a reverse DDT onto the floor. No protection at all and he just slams into it.

Storm is WAY underrated in the ring. This has been solid stuff so far, but I’d like more in ring stuff. Storm is a Canadian bad boy apparently. Van Dam more or less cuts a promo in the middle of the match. That’s just awesome. Ah there we go. We’re back in the ring. I don’t mind the insane stuff as long as it winds up being about wrestling. Van Dam goes for the Van Daminator (why can’t he go for coffee or lunch instead?) but Storm jumps away. WHAT A BRILLIANT IDEA!!!

It connects the second time and Storm is out cold. Oh ok he was faking. The referee takes a SWEET looking Van Daminator. After Fonzie interferes, a Van Daminator from the top gets two. The quick taunts from Van Dam are what set him apart I think. Like I’ve said before, the playing to the crowd is a signature of the all time greats like Austin, Rock, Sting, Hogan and Flair. In a very surprising finish, we get a wrestling sequence and Van Dam gets the CLEAN pin with a nice German suplex. I greatly approve.

Rating: B. Good stuff here but the overbooking and interference hurt it a bit. This was one of those matches where both guys could definitely bring it and they did here. The ending worked very well too as Van Dam beat him with his own game. What more can you ask for? Solid stuff.

We recap Dreamer vs. Credible which is because of Funk apparently taking Credible under his wing. So yeah, it’s about Funk vs. Dreamer again, which never had the blowoff because Funk headed to WCW.

Justin Credible vs. Tommy Dreamer

You know if you cut Nicole Bass’ head off she’d look good. Jazz, who doesn’t have a name yet, is also with Credible. This is a ladder match ECW style, meaning there is barbed wire hanging over the ring and you need a ladder to get to it. I love Man in the Box. I just do. What in the world is the appeal of Justin? I have never gotten that at all. We get a weird as shot from across where the cameras would be to see the ladder. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before.

Tommy finally brings the ladder into play as this has been all brawling anyway. The fans want Funk apparently. For a good while it’s all Dreamer and that’s over already. Do you think four people with Justin is enough? Dreamer has a bad arm now too. All of Justin’s entourage helps him out and down goes Tommy. I JUST SAID THAT JOEY!!! I didn’t think it was possible but Jazz is somehow more annoying than she would be in WWE.

It’s all Justin at this point as he just beats the living heck out of Tommy with all kinds of stuff. Tommy makes his comeback and of course here’s Funk because according to Heyman, Credible isn’t allowed to lose. That’s Incredible, which in this case is a powerslam, onto a ladder ends it. I know this is supposed to be an epic storyline and whatnot but I just couldn’t care less at all.

Rating: D. This whole thing was so that Funk could screw over Tommy. I didn’t need a 20 minute beating and Jazz/Nicole screaming to get to that point. Just a waste of time that I wanted to end after about five minutes or so.

Some guy named Stephen Prazak (has to be related to Dave in ROH somehow) interviews Taz. This reaches Rock and Coach levels of insulting. How did Taz go from this to the raving idiot he is now.

Shane says he’s not ready to lose the belt. That’s so funny because it’s supposed to be in character.

ECW World Title: Shane Douglas vs. Taz

Oh and to be clear: Shane has a broken wrist so Taz won’t win deservingly no matter what he does. Ok, before we get into this, let’s get this out of the way. In my eyes, it was this feud that officially killed ECW. Shane should have dropped the belt at least six months ago to Taz who would then be able to drop it to RVD who was the hottest thing in the company and also the best wrestler in the company.

For those of you that don’t know, Taz wins the belt here and holds it until September when he goes to WWF. The problem was that by this time, no one cared about Taz at all. RVD was the popular guy but instead of putting the belt on him like the money would have been in, as that by this time, no one cared about Taz at all.

RVD was the popular guy but instead of putting the belt on him like the money would have been in, he belt more or less had to go to Taz since he had chased it for a year now. Shane should have dropped it in like August and this should be Van Dam vs. Taz for it, but instead by the time Taz dropped it, ECW was dead in the water anyway.

Overall Rat….oh that’s right we still have a match to go. They’re trying to make this seem epic but both guys are more or less done as far as meaning anything in the ring at this point. Taz is ok but the people are just rather apathetic to him at this point. We get a conversation with either production or security guys which is always interesting.

They’re out in the crowd now, meaning more time that the inevitable can’t happen. No one on the planet thinks Shane has a chance here but I guess it has to be made out to be epic right? We’re still in the crowd, which is a very annoying one this time. OH GOOD NIGHT JUST GO TO THE FREAKING RING!!! This is so freaking stupid. We can barely see them as they’re just brawling.

This has been going on for nearly 10 minutes. Shane is bleeding and we’re BACK IN THE RING! Oh look, it’s a table. Taz goes through it as I think watching a test pattern might be more interesting. Shane goes through a table. This is just dull. And now we have no lights. Sabu appears, complete with pyro (in ECW?). He beats up both guys for not apparent reason other than Taz breaking his neck and Shane putting Taz up to it. At least it makes sense.

Pretty impressive that a guy with a broken neck can beat up two professional wrestlers. Shane calls for the Triple Threat and here’s Tammy (Sunny). You know what that means. Candido is here and he turns on Shane, I guess going face? That sets up the Tazmission which of course Shane is allowed to escape for a second before it’s locked on again and Shane passes out. Was that supposed to be Austin/Hart again or something?

Rating: D+. And that’s being VERY generous. This match was 22 minutes long. Of that, 12 were brawling in the crowd, three were Sabu doing his thing, two were Candido running in and 5 were actual wrestling. That’s the EPIC match though right? This could have been good, but seriously, there was enough time spent just “brawling” in the crowd to have the main event of Mania 9. Steamboat beat Savage in about as much time as they brawled in the crowd. See what I mean?

Overall Rating: C-. This show tried. I can’t take that away from it at all. This show had some thought and effort put into it and that helps a lot. However, some of the stuff here was just flat out bad. There is some very good stuff in here, but there’s too much brawling to make it great. A problem with ECW is that they tried to substitute brawling and violence for storytelling and wrestling and that can’t work long term.

Two of the last three matches were brawling and a moment at the end with nothing else going on. This is indeed better than most of the shows that ECW has had lately, but still the last hour of this show just bored me to tears. Check it out, but have a remote in hand to fast forward it.

ECW on Sci-Fi
Date: June 13, 2006
Location: Sovereign Bank Arena, Trenton, New Jersey
Attendance: 5,100
Commentators: Joey Styles, Taz

So this is the debut of ECW on Sci-Fi which I found online out of boredom. Since I’m getting dangerously close to the end of the ECW PPVs, I figured I’d do the first and last shows of ECW on Sci-Fi and TNN just for the heck of it. This show is considered a miserable failure so let’s find out why. The main event is a battle royal to determine who fights Cena at Vengeance. ECW came back officially two days before this so it’s brand new and this is the big debut. Let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of the second One Night Stand which was where the If Cena Wins We Riot sign debuted. Cena says he’ll be on ECW tonight, thereby killing ECW on its opening night. This was supposed to be the real ECW but you could tell that was never going to happen a few seconds after it debuted.

Heyman opens us up here and brings out RVD. They even have the hole in the brick wall entryway. RVD is WWE Champion here, having won it two nights ago. His voice reminds me of a less depressed Vin Diesel for some reason. They keep saying he’s the champion without saying WWE. Heyman declares him the ECW World Champion. Taz says no one knows what RVD is feeling. I think that should say no one knows why RVD never won the title in the original ECW. He says he’s just going to defend both titles. Van Dam wants the other one because it spins.

And here’s the #1 contender: Edge. Edge is ok because he could have made it in the original ECW I think. He cost Cena the title at Vengeance so he’s WAY over. Edge spears him after complimenting him. He goes through the crowd and Cena is behind him. RVD and Cena fight over who gets to beat up Edge. This of course allows Edge to escape. And remember, this is ECW. Pay no attention to the argument going on over the WWE Title with WWE guys.

After a house show ad, Heyman gives a speech to the locker room and says they’re invading Raw on Monday. You know it might work better if you didn’t say it on national TV.

The Zombie vs. The Sandman

And this right here is where ECW died completely. Since they could only get on Sci-Fi, they tried to get more sci-fi stuff on the show, hence this. And cue Sandman to not Metallica. Styles and Taz don’t even try to take this seriously. This is like a bad indy show joke or something. Sandman canes the tar out of him to a great pop and the White Russian Leg Sweep ends this in like 10 seconds. Dust flew off of Zombie. No rating obviously.

Kelly is an exhibitionist and wants to take off all of her clothes.

DX is coming back. On ECW. Shoot me. Better yet shoot Heyman as he doesn’t deserve this.

We see the whole Taz destroying King match from the PPV two days ago. It’s a 30 second squash but we see the whole thing, including intros.

Kurt Angle vs. Justin Credible

Angle would be in TNA later this year so what does that tell you about their luck? He had been the big guy sent to ECW to make them credible which to be fair is a good idea since he was in ECW before he was in WWE if you squint really hard when you look at it. Also his personality fits for ECW so it’s not that much of a stretch. Angle of course destroys Justin by throwing him all over the place and treating him like a video game character. Justin shoves him and Angle hits something close to the Tazmission to make him tap in maybe 90 seconds, which is somehow the longest match of the night, tripling the second place offering so far. No rating again obviously. He calls out Orton for a rematch at Vengeance.

Heyman says he’s throwing out everything he had planned and we’re having an extreme battle royal for the shot against Cena at Vengeance.

Read the Rise and Fall of ECW.

An unnamed character (Kevin Thorn) looks up at the ECW sign as Joey and Tazz say he couldn’t be what they think he is (vampire).

Kelly comes out to strip for us. She only has one name so far. She gets down to her underwear and unhooks her bra and puts her hands over her chest and leaves. Was there a point to that at all?

Extreme Battle Royal

Tommy Dreamer, Sabu, Big Guido, Little Guido, Stevie Richards, Big Show, Roadkill, Danny Doring, Al Snow, Tony Mamaluke, Balls Mahoney

So despite Heyman saying 10 there are 11. Sure why not. The weapons are all on the floor which completely goes against the logic of a battle royal. Balls has a bad cover of AC/DC. Show has hair here. That’s not something I’m used to. Wait didn’t he get his head shaved before this? Everyone runs from Show and it’s almost impossible to keep track of who is eliminated and who is just running. Roadkill takes a fallaway slam and we go to a break. No one has been eliminated since they all went through the ropes. We get some token weapons shots and I want this to end.

Taz tries to play this off as being more extreme than anything else and I feel sorry for him. Sabu sets up a table. Everyone jumps Show and it does nothing at all. Show puts out Snow. And Doring. Uh Richards too. Might as well say Roadkill too. Balls Mahoney is number five. This is all in a row so I’m not skipping anything. Dreamer goes after Show with something made of metal and of course it does jack. He goes through a table on the floor. It’s Show, the FBI and Sabu. Show puts all three of the non-fake Arabians out in about 45 seconds and then Sabu hits him while he’s on the ropes to win it.

Rating: F. Oh sweet mama this was bad. Show literally eliminated everyone other than Sabu in less than 4 minutes. There’s domination and then there’s this. One of the worst battle royals ever to fittingly close out one of the worst hours ever.

Overall Rating: G. This is one of those weird shows that actually goes beyond failing and blazes new territory. Other than the main event if you want to call it that, the longest match was less than 100 seconds long. One match had a zombie and one was from a PPV so it wasn’t even new. They had no freaking clue what they were doing with this and it showed badly. They more or less redid the whole thing the next week when this bombed so terribly. Not even worth it for the historical value. Terrible show.

November to Remember 1998
Date: November 1, 1998
Location: Lakefront Arena, New Orleans, Louisiana
Attendance: 5,800
Commentator: Joey Styles

So we’re another three months later and not a ton has changed. Shane is FINALLY coming back to the ring since you know, that whole three months of not being able to wrestle wasn’t justification to take the belt off of him AT ALL. At this point he’s held the title for just shy of a year and will hold it until January where the yearlong story with Taz will be blown off.

The main event is Sabu/Van Dam/Taz vs. the Triple Threat. Jake Roberts and Tommy Rich are here and we’re near the Gulf of Mexico. Oh dear. This sounds like HEROES OF WRESTLING all over again. Let’s get this over with, and I’m appointing X to be near me with a bottle of whiskey and a gun.

We open to New Jack jumping Jack Victory in the parking lot in black and white for no apparent reason. Metaphor for something maybe? Jack gets cuffed and taken away by conveniently present policemen. I really don’t like New Jack in case you didn’t know. I didn’t mention this but this show is more or less their Wrestlemania, so keep that in mind as I’ll be grading it as their mega show.

Joey, who looks different for some reason, runs down the card as per usual. Just to be clear: the main event of the biggest show of the year is a six man tag match with no title on the line. Just keep that in mind. And here’s Terry Funk for no apparent reason, wearing a mortarboard (hat you wear when you graduate). I love Funk’s voice. It’s just so freaking insane sounding that it’s awesome.

He’s mad that he wasn’t invited and FUNK YOU Paul E and the fans. He’s also mad about Dreamer picking someone else as his partner tonight. He says Dreamer’s father was a crackhead and his mother wasn’t a nice person. Well that’s better than smelling of elderberries and being a hamster I guess.

Dreamer comes out as Funk says he’s been practicing his double flip off the top rope and he doesn’t get to do it. This was uh, different. Yeah that’s right. It was different. Not bad or anything, just odd.

Theme song, with a graphic thanking the fans. Nothing wrong with that.

Blue World Order vs. Danny Doring/Roadkill

The BWO here are Nova and Meanie, as Richards realized he had that thing that people like called mainstream appeal so he’s in WWF at this point. Roadkill is an Amish guy, called the Angry Amish Chicken Plucker. This could be a really long night. They’re a new team here but they would eventually become kind of a big deal by ECW standards. Doring is about as bland as you could dream of a guy with his name being.

Nova has some unique offense from what I remember so this should be ok. And here’s Funk again with his own cameraman. There’s also a camera following Funk and his cameraman. Styles asks a great question: why are we focusing on Terry Funk when there’s wrestling going on. Funk takes over as timekeeper. Again, I get that he’s a far bigger star, but if you’re going to have these four guys out there, don’t take the focus off of them for Funk.

Yes he’s by far the bigger star and more important than all four combined, but show the guys some respect if you could. We get a lot of heel miscommunication to keep the faces in control as this is becoming a glorified squash. Ok the People’s Legdrop is kind of a cute idea but I’m still not huge on theatrical moves. Not a big deal at all though. And here’s Funk again to interfere and then put himself through a table.

Doring is setting for something but stops to do a strut called the Dastardly Shuffle. I like the name if nothing else. Ok seriously, have the match, or follow Funk. This is annoying. Joey makes me chuckle asking if Roadkill took a horse and buggy to New Orleans from Pennsylvania. That’s rather amusing. He does a Taker rope walk but misses the elbow drop he was trying.

Doring has a lot of long and drawn out names for his moves which is clever for some stupid reason that I don’t get but whatever. He and Nova are working the majority of the match which is intelligent. And now we have one of my biggest annoyances of ECW: claiming Monday Night shows steal all their moves. This is brought up by Nova doing a move called the Sledge-o-Matic. It’s a diving powerbomb where he goes to the side on the landing.

In other words, it’s the same move but with a slight twist that makes zero difference. It’s wrestling guys. People use the same moves quite often. You don’t see a right hand being called a Strangler Lewis Special do you? Now yes, ECW got ripped off more than any other company I can think of, but at times they got ridiculous complaining about it.

I mean really, can you imagine someone complaining about every tiny little thing that goes on at a wrestling show which no one else would have the sheer stupidity to notice since no one else would be such a bored and pathetic human being to think this in depth about such a thing? Can you imagine how pitiful that person really is? DANG they would drive me crazy. What’s the point of picking something apart and blowing the tiniest thing completely out or proportion?

Anyway, this match needs to end as the right lace of Nova’s left boot has a single thread sticking out and it’s driving me crazy. Nova hits a modified tornado DDT that is completely different than the one that Chavo Guerrero had been using around this time, because it was MODIFIED. The BWO wins it with a double team move where Meanie did a wheelbarrow lift into a DDT from Nova called the Blue Light Special.

And here’s Funk again to steal the spotlight, which yes I know that’s fine and the point. I have no problem with it here, but did we need to have him do the stuff during the match? Not that I can see of. Heyman comes out to calm him down. So in other words the ten minute match was all just to set up the Funk angle. Got it. Not that bad of an idea I guess as at least there was a full length match, unlike in WWE where it would have been lucky to go 100 seconds before Funk ran in, so points for that definitely.

Rating: D. It was a long squash and Funk stole the focus at a very annoying rate. I don’t get that but we’re just twenty three minutes into the show so maybe we’ll find out later. This wasn’t a very good match but it got the crowd going, which isn’t really something ECW needs as I always thought they had Red Bull IVs going into them but I get the idea.

We recap the tag title match with is Balls Mahoney and Masato Tanaka vs. the Dudleys. Mahoney and Tanaka had a match where they more or less had a chair duel that went to a draw. They had another and the Dudleys ran in for no apparent reason. Somehow this got Tanaka and Mahoney a tag title shot but the Dudleys beat them up beforehand so they got the shot and won the belts. Ok then.

And that match isn’t for about 40 more minutes. Why am I trying to make sense of this?

Tracy Smothers vs. Tommy Rogers

O……..k. Rodgers is one half of the Fantastics from the 80s but since he was an agent for ECW that makes sense. The FBI, the Full blooded Italians, have a German wrestler named Ulf Herman with them now. Rogers has Chris Chetti. Not actually explained but I guess it was a known thing at the time. This was a comedy stable that was very popular although I never could get into them.

Oh ok Chetti is there to watch his back against the FBI. That makes sense. I guess Chetti just sits in the back in his gear as a backup for hire? Rich complains about the town for cheap and easy heel heat. Rogers gets on the mic and points out the joke of the FBI. THANK YOU SO MUCH! Amusingly enough they make fun of the Saints and earlier today they made the Super Bowl so that’s kind of funny. The fans want their pizza.

This is a fast paced match to start off which is fine but less than two minutes in and we’ve had four interferences already. And we have the camera on Herman and Chetti who fight to the back. Oh look, MORE INTERFERING. I get that it’s a heel stable, but dude can we have ONE match with no interference? Is that too much to ask?

Guido has done three different run ins inside of two minutes. This is the straight wrestling match tonight right? Rogers looks in ok shape actually. There’s a logo in the middle of the ring now for the show which is a nice little touch. After MORE heel miscommunication, Rogers hits the Tomikaze (Unprettier/Killswitch which he used first) for the pin.

Rating: D+. This match exemplifies two of the major problems I’ve always had with ECW. Number one, while decent, what possible reason could you could up with for two guys in their late 30s of this caliber to wrestle on the biggest show of the year? I can overlook that though as the wrestling was actually rather good here so that’s excused.

However, that’s the problem here: the wrestling was rather good, but there were literally 6 different interferences in this match. Why can’t we just have a good wrestling match? Is that a sin or something?

The FBI argue/fight but instead they jump Rogers instead. Chetti comes out for the save with a nice springboard double clothesline. He hits a moonsault onto Rich and Mabel is here with Herman. Are you kidding? Is this supposed to be a major talent acquisition or something? Herman hits what would eventually evolve into the Musclebuster.

And here’s Spike Dudley to beat up Herman who is about Hall’s size and then Mabel. This makes perfect sense too. Spike gets the Acid Drop on both guys and sits on them…and the referee makes the count and calls for the bell. Yeah sure why not. Mabel would be Viscera in less than three months. The fans bought this is nothing else so I guess it had something resembling a point, and Spike was a giant killer anyway. It was quick too so that’s not so bad.

Rotten, Mahoney and Tanaka say they’re ready for the Dudleys. Rotten wasn’t terrible on the mic actually. He’s doing nothing but screaming, but he’s articulate and makes his point so I can’t complain much. Match isn’t up next though so there we go.

Lance Storm vs. Jerry Lynn

Storm has the newly appearing Tammy Lynn Bytch with him. She’s more commonly known as Dawn Marie. Sunny (Tammy Lynn Sytch but since the names would just get complicated we’ll go with Sunny and Dawn here) and Mikey Whipwreck are the guest referees. Why Mikey? Why two referees?

I’m assuming we won’t be told, but remember kids: even though ECW was marketing to the masses now and had no national television outlet, it wasn’t their fault that you didn’t get storylines that you had to live in New England to know about. Just ask any ECW mark and they’ll tell you that. I always had a big thing for Marie. Storm is freshly heel here. Everyone gets their own entrance of course, and once again let us remind you: Mikey has pinned Steve Austin.

Can’t blame them there as that is a big deal kind of. Oh wait this is 98. That’s freaking huge. We get a big recap of it with Heyman narrating and he points out that we get a great back shot in it. Heyman was different if nothing else. In a big brawl at the ECW Arena Mikey ran in to help one of the girls. That’s an explanation so I’ll give it credit for that. These recaps have been a God send as I would have no clue otherwise. Barely Legal really needed those.

And yep Sunny looks great. She knew how to carry herself better than any other woman in wrestling history, including Elizabeth. She puts her shoes on in the ring which is of course both a big production and sexy somehow. This should be good as I’ve always been a fan of Storm’s in ring stuff. One time Sunny needs to just flash the freaking crowd to end the chants.

Thankfully Mikey goes to the floor so we only have one referee in there. Still a bit overbooked but there’s a point and backstory to it at least so that’s an improvement. They are freaking MOVING out there. This is by far the hottest the crowd has been all night long. Ok so maybe the overbooking works here. Tammy really wants to get to count the pin on Storm mind you. Storm is born to be a heel really. He’s awesome at it.

We hit the floor and Lynn just goes off. I love with Storm does a springboard move. It just looks so smooth. Storm goes for another one over the top rope but hits his head/neck on the rope on the way to the floor. He’s fine but that could have been bad. Storm hits a Skull Crushing Finale which is a move I’ve always liked. Has there ever been a more painful looking move than a surfboard? I certainly can’t think of one.

Sunny’s facial expressions are awesome. I kind of like the dynamic they’re going with here as they’re not even trying to hide the biased officiating here. Here’s Dawn interfering and yep she’s getting stripped. Mikey runs in and hits the Whippersnapper on both girls. Oh never mind they blocked it on Sunny. Lynn gets one as well and that only gets a VERY long two.

Sunny messes up the one she gets but then after a small package from Lynn on Storm, Mikey reverses it so Storm has the cover and fast counts it. It was something about Storm low blowed him but Mikey couldn’t tell. The problem was that no one got that, which messed it up. The crowd went silent on that one.

Rating: B-. Seriously, Jerry Lynn and Lance Storm? I mean really Paul, do you not think that these two can have a good match without some big thing going on? I get that the interferences made sense, but dude, look at the two guys in there and tell me with a straight face that they need the help to have an entertaining match.

Funk apologizes and says he’s done with wrestling and he won’t be this much of a jerk again. Oh and this is for good. We’re at an hour, seventeen minutes and twenty-seven seconds into the video. Keep that in mind.

We recap the tag title match and then we recap Justin vs. Tommy in the dream mystery partner death match. They keep calling Justin the fastest rising star and hottest star in wrestling. They back this up by showing him breaking the leg of a Japanese star and injuring Mikey Whipwreck, caning Sandman a lot, and caning Sandman a lot.

So let me make sure I got this right. He broke the leg of a guy most people don’t know of, he injured the leg of a guy with a LONG history of knee problems, caned a guy that made a living in cane matches, and did exactly the same thing that Sandman did far more famously years ago. I have NEVER gotten the hype about Justin.

He couldn’t wrestle more than anything average, he had a gimmicky name and he didn’t look special at all. Yet Paul refused to put RVD on top over him. That makes no sense but it’s Heyman so at times it’s a wonder you can understand what he says let alone what he’s thinking.

ECW Tag Titles: Masato Tanaka/Balls Mahoney vs. Dudley Boys

We got the explanation already….45 minutes ago, but we did indeed get it. Hopefully Joel gets to talk for awhile here as he always makes me at least chuckle. We get Bubba instead, which works fine for me. Joel makes a Mark McGwire reference, which is a lot less awe inspiring now. Screw it. He saved baseball so I don’t care. He has more game than Parker Brothers too. That’s a good line.

The intro is subdued here as I guess taking ten minutes was too much. I’m guessing Rotten is hurt here or something as he’s out with them. It’s another odd tag team here with Tanaka and Mahoney. Yeah they say he has liver and kidney problem. That’s what I was thinking. I love how so many Japanese wrestlers are just from Japan. No town is ever given. It’s just Japan.

Apparently the Louisiana Athletic Commission says no chairs, but they’re going to do it anyway because the big two wishes they could do things like ECW does. I get the idea, but that’s just laughable at this time period. Rotten apparently overrides the athletic commission and chairs are legal. Even though this is a deathmatch, they’re tagging in and out. Somehow this is the most contained match of the night.

I hate nerve holds. It’s more or less a neck massage. If you insist on resting less than five minutes into the match, use a chinlock or something that looks good. Sign from Sign Guy: D-Von Stained Monica’s Dress. D-Von does a People’s Elbow but ends with a headbutt. Keep in mind that earlier on they criticized the Monday shows for stealing moves. I guess a comedy move works here.

We hit the floor and Bubba dives over the top rope to take out the other three. Yep we’re at the messy portion of tonight’s show, but this one is a deathmatch so that’s more understandable. Bubba takes four roaring elbows before going down. The managers and other guys get into it but only with each other so there’s a chance that there won’t be any interference here.

I’ll give them credit: they went an hour and forty minutes with no weapons. That sounds condescending but in reality that’s a very good thing. Over half of the show wasn’t ridiculously violent. Now it was ridiculously overbooked, but the wrestling still happened. The faces take four chair shots to the head each and then Tanaka kicks out of 3D.

AND THE DUDLEYS EXPLODE!!! Why is it that chair shots don’t put people down here? I mean it’s a freaking STEEL CHAIR. There’s strong style and there’s freaking stupidity. In a VERY funny spot, the referee goes down and we have the Dudleys’ evil referee to come in. He fakes the shoulder injury thing, and Tanaka yells at him in Japanese. Jones, the referee, pulls out a Japanese to English dictionary and I lose it. It might be that it’s 3am, but that was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in ECW for some reason.

And now it’s table time. To continue the theme of the night, Van Dam and Sabu run in and put the champions through tables in a cool looking spot. Naturally this is enough for the titles. In other words, a splash/leg drop onto a table, meaning there was less time for RVD or Sabu to get momentum going, was enough to get the pin, but BLASTING THEM IN THE HEAD WITH A METAL CHAIR WASN’T!

Rating: D-. This was crap, plain and simple. It only passes for the dictionary spot which legitimately cracked me up. Seriously, nerve holds, no selling of chair shots, RVD and Sabu running in and all that was just too much for me. They held the belts five days anyway.

The Triple Threat says they’ll win because they’re a team.

We hear about the Triple Threat vs. the three faces tonight.

Ad for the ECW CD.

Justin Credible/Jack Victory vs. Tommy Dreamer/???

This was explained earlier so I’m not redoing it. And the mystery partner is Jake Roberts. Is this supposed to be a bigger deal than Mabel was earlier? Jake is in street clothes here. This is also a deathmatch apparently. Jake is way taller than the rest of the people in the match. He’s also in street clothes for no apparent reason. Justin beats up Tommy for awhile, including a DDT where he doesn’t actually go down with him. Yeah that was weird.

He follows that up like he does any move he does: taunting the crowd. There’s Jason coming in to make us 5/5 for interfering in matches. Yes it’s a manager so it’s a bit of a stretch but still. They go for the Raven drop toehold thing but they get it backwards somehow so Dreamer goes chest first into the back of the chair. That was just odd looking.

Dreamer finally breaks up the momentum with Emerald Frosion, a Misawa move that he had been using for years and I’m sure will now be used on Monday nights also as it’s the Dreamer Driver here. I love double standards. Jake and Dreamer set for double DDTs, but Rod Price and One Man Gang are here to give us a REAL run in. Without knowing what they’re doing here, they would be people seven and eight of Justin’s entourage (Justin, Victory, Nicole Bass, Lance Wright, Chastity, Jason). You think that’s enough???

And here are New Jack and Kronus to beat everyone up with weapons. Yeah this isn’t taking the spotlight off the big celebrity mystery partner or the big feud here at all. You know the song wouldn’t be so annoying if New Jack was actually worth a stupid thing.

Hey they stopped the song when it stopped being about New Jack. There is hope I tell you! Bass runs in and gets a low blow and Jake’s DDT for her troubles to a huge pop. It amazes me that Jake has made a second career out of showing up and hitting a single DDT and nothing else. He gets another on Justin for the pin.

Rating: D+. For once here and I have no idea why, they run ins made sense to me. Well scratch that. I can understand everything with the run ins other than Gang and Price. Now after that New Jack and Kronus make sense as they’re balancing things out. I guess the run ins made sense here, but I’ll say the same things I’ve said all night: what’s the point to it as it’s just overbooking, and second, this is the 5th match and the fifth with a run in.

When you do it that many times, it’s total overkill. Wait…Victory was NEVER IN THE MATCH. Literally, he didn’t get tagged in and Jason kept running in instead. That’s ECW for you I guess. Final thing: how can Credible be considered the hottest thing in wrestling if he never, you know, wins?

And of course Funk is here to beat the heck out of Dreamer while screaming at him to say he’s sorry and that he’s a jerk. Dreamer won’t fight back, which is a touch that I like. This would go on forever but Funk “retired” long enough to go back to WCW to watch it freaking die.

The face team talks. Read as Van Dam talks.

And now Taz breathes heavily and talks about Shane. You know, the guy he’s been talking about for the last 7 months but you know, at the biggest show of the year, we can’t have the epic title change as Shane has to hold the title for another two months to validate his useless existence. Seriously, I do not get this.

This is the big return for Shane. His injuries weren’t enough to take the title off of him, so in other words he’s going to keep the title an extra five months due to injuries and apparently some unspecified reason here.

Triple Threat vs. Sabu/Rob Van Dam/Taz

Triple Threat is Shane, Bigelow and Candido. Sabu has a neck brace on for no apparent reason. I would guess it’s due to him being Sabu. Of course there’s no actual semblance of that pesky tagging or wrestling thing. Yep it’s more brawling. I just saw the dumbest spot I’ve ever seen. Sabu sets the chair up for the triple jump over the ropes. Ok that’s fine. Shane and Bigelow look up as he’s getting to the top rope.

Now at this point, I could actually buy that they simply don’t have time to move. However, he botches the move so THEY STAY THERE WHILE HE RESETS AND DIVES ON THEM. And when I say resets, I mean he staggers on the rope, gets down and jumps again. Yeah, the heels have no issue with just standing there and letting themselves get jumped on. Do you see why this place makes my head hurt? HOLY CRAP they’re tagging!

This is just a huge mess as there’s no point to this match as nothing other than a big pin from Taz on Shane is going to happen, setting up their match probably three months from now. HERE WE GO! Taz vs. Douglas! The showdown that’s been six months….oh of course they mess it up. Instead of seeing them go one on one, we go to a shot of Van Dam balancing himself on a corner before jumping down and then throwing himself at Bigelow.

This place stuns me at times. Oh ok we’re back now. And Van Dam keeps doing flips which we keep cutting to. TAZMISSION!!!!! And Sabu hits an Arabian Facebuster from the top with a chair onto Taz then covers Shane to get the pin.

Rating: F. So let me make sure I have this straight. We’ve spent seven or eight months building to one match: Shane vs. Taz with Taz ending the epic reign of Douglas and taking the belt in a huge moment. Ok, that’s fine. That’s wrestling booking 102 or 103. I’m cool with that. So then Shane gets hurt and has to take off at least three months.

Now here you have a major dilemma and the problem with long and drawn out angles like this: (To be fair though, for a company that has 4 PPVs a year, I can completely understand wanting to wait and draw it out) what if someone gets hurt? Things can change in the interim and that’s what’s happened here. Shane was hurt so the feud was dragged out even longer. Now we get to the dumb part.

Last PPV, held on August 2nd (remember this is on November 1st) Shane announced he would return to the ring at this show. Read as: they had three months of TV to set up whatever match they wanted. And so we just set up Taz vs. Sabu? Why? This makes zero sense, but hey, it’s ECW, so it’s awesome right?

Overall Rating: F+. Did they actually think before they put this show on the air? Again as I’ve said before, it’s like they forgot they had a PPV and just threw it together in two days. This was their Wrestlemania and it’s not like they didn’t know that as Joey says that this is their showcase event to open the show. Nothing of interest happened here.

Mahoney and Tanaka lost the belts less than a week later so the title reign is up there with Volkoff and Sheik taking the belts at Wrestlemania I. This show was just a failure all around, but for some reason there was some little thing I liked about it and for the life of me I can’t put my finger on it, hence the F+. Stay away clearly.

Hardcore Justice
Date: August 8, 2010
Location: Impact Zone, Orlando, Florida
Commentators: Tazz, Mike Tenay

This is the second return to PPV for ECW as they try to squeeze the final drop of blood out of the stone that was ECW. I really am not looking forward to this as it was built around two matches and one of those was canceled. It’s RVD vs. Sabu tonight which needs to stay under 8 minutes or so. Other than that we know a lot of names and that’s about it. Let’s get to it.

Tazz is here and says this is going to be EXTREME and that this is going to be awesome no matter what people say. Yeah I’m sure.

FBI vs. Kid Kash/Simon Diamond/Swinger

It’s Tony, Tracy and Guido. Yeah because Kash was SO important to ECW. Sal is somehow even fatter if that’s possible. Smothers looks AWFUL. It’s Tony Luke now instead of Mamaluke. Guido looks about the same. The lights are all dark and there’s this weird blue tint to it. Guido and Kash start us off. They point out that they can’t say certain names or letters. WOW.

Simon is HUGE and even Tazz suggests different attire. He stops halfway through the match and cuts a promo to which he gets a LOUD Shut the F Up chant. He challenges them to a dance off. It’s somehow worse than it sounds. The non-FBI team breaks it up but Sal crushes them. Kash does a big dive to do something. Keep in mind we’re 20 minutes into this.

We get to a normal match now and it’s not bad. Seriously, we would have had to pay 45 dollars for this. Mamaluke is getting destroyed here and Diamond does something close to Three Amigos. Guido hits the Kiss of Death (Killswitch) to end it.

Rating: D. Once this got going it wasn’t bad but ten minutes of crap to get to the good stuff isn’t how this is supposed to go. This didn’t work at all for me though as three of these guys meant next to nothing at all in the original ECW. This was watchable I guess but the lighting and the other stuff just isn’t doing it so far.

The announcers talk about Sabu being in the main event.

We have a Where Are They Now series tonight. That’s not a good sign.

Tod Gordon says goodbye. He’s fat.

Pitbull #1 says hi.

Blue Meanie is on a TNA PPV. Literally that’s all they’re saying.

They do their intros and then they come back. Pitbull says show them hardcore. Meanie says thank you. None of them are here or anything.

AJ liked ECW.

Love liked ECW but only saw the end.

Snow yells at Head for possibly causing legal issues with the show. Richards comes in and this is his night apparently. Nova (Simon Dean) shows up in his BWO apparel. He talks about getting the band back together and this is painful to watch. A fake Blue Meanie comes in and we’re told that it doesn’t matter if it’s not really him. Good night.

Hey look it’s a match.

CW Anderson vs. 2 Cold Scorpio

You know, because these two have SUCH a history together. They keep calling it the original era because they can’t say ECW, even though they do anyway. Oh this is wrestling. Just to be clear I guess. Amazingly enough, there’s next to nothing to talk about here. Scorpio was great in his time, but he was old in 99 and he’s very old now. This is kind of back and forth and really isn’t bad for the most part. Spinebuster gets two and the Tumbleweed ends it.

Rating: C-. This was actually ok. They had a nice back and forth thing going here with a solid clash of styles going. I liked Anderson to an extent and I always liked Scorpio so this worked well for me. Somehow I have a feeling this is going to be the best match of the night. This wasn’t bad at all though and has me in a better mood.

Madison liked ECW too.

Matt Morgan got to go to a bar where ECW guys came to. They have to call it the Philadelphia promotion. This is sad.

Anderson says ECW was doing other stuff.

RVD and Fonzie say they wish they had a chance to fight Lynn again. RVD wants a replacement and picks Sabu. Fonzie says he’ll call it right down the middle.

PJ Polaco vs. Stevie Richards

Richards has the BWO with them despite not being Big Stevie Cool here. The fans chant Polaco’s name (Justin Credible which I’ll be referring to him as) and then Stevie Richards. The fans want blood and an hour (almost) into it we haven’t had any. Justin hits a jumping spinning DDT which was one of his signature moves back in the day at least.

The fake Meanie is one of the Phi Delta Slam guys if anyone remembers them. He’s a security guard at times too. The matches here aren’t completely awful but this comes off as so low rent that it just can’t be taken seriously. And remember, this is TNA’s PPV offering this month. It’s not like the real PPV is next week or anything. This is it for August.

And That’s Incredible ends….nothing as Nova jumps up. Stevie Kick ends this in something that would NEVER have happened in the original company. The lights go out and Sandman is here to no music at all. White Russian Leg Sweep and Justin is back up before like a second. Cane shots put him down again.

Rating: D+. Not too bad here but the booking was just bad. I know Justin is crap but he was world champion for five months in the old days while Stevie was billed as a clueless putz. This didn’t work that well but it could have been FAR worse. Keep in mind that these grades are on an adjusted scale here as most of these would be fails or worse.

Francine and her daughter are at home. She looks bad. Like really bad. She was hot back in the day and now this.

They pay tribute to the people that have died with a graphic and nothing more. No names, no faces, no anything.

Brother Runt vs. Al Snow vs. Rhyno

Runt is Spike Dudley of course and is nearly bald. This is elimination rules and better not break 8 minutes. Spike hits a dive that is ok after some basic stuff. He plays the role of the pinball of course and I still wonder what Snow has to do with this. Snow hits the trapping headbutts on Rhyno. TNA guys are watching in the back. Why they’re here is beyond me because they’re not wrestling.

Acid Drop to Rhyno is blocked and this needs to end fast. We’re on the floor again and you actually can’t see due to the lighting. The referee goes down and Head drills Rhyno. Spike does the Eddie chair thing by slamming the mat with it and throwing it to Rhyno. He and Snow do the same thing so they’re all down. Oh my head hurts. Acid Drop ends Snow and then the Gore ends the whole thing.

Rating: D. I like Snow but this was just bad. There’s a reason these guys retired: THEY AREN’T THAT GOOD ANYMORE. Rhyno is ok at best and he’s the biggest star by far in this. At least he won I suppose, but this was just random with no point at all. Well at least it’s over and wasn’t that long.

Foley is reading Hogan’s book and likes being the ref.

More guys talk about the company, including Sabin and Magnus.

Cajones/Axl Rotter vs. ???/???

Cajones is of course Balls Mahoney. He issues an open challenge and it’s JOEL GERTNER. Ok this is at least an improvement. I think I smell Team 3D. Yep I’m right and they’re in tye-dye. Thankfully Joel does a poem which is funny. He looks…bad. Like even worse than before. It’s a South Philadelphia Street Fight in Orlando according to Ray.

They go split screen here for the sake of torturing us even better. Ray shouts at him and calls him Balls because that’s ok I guess. We go into the crowd for fun. This is “hardcore” I guess with mainly just punching and random shots with weak weapons. We bring in some more traditional weapons back in the ring. The announcers are of course cracking up over everything here instead of selling it like a hardcore match.

Frying pan to the head of Balls. And Mahoney breaks out a toy lightsaber. And so does Bubba. I hate this show. I truly do. Axl botches a reverse DDT on Bubba and Nutcracker Suite to D-Von gets two. The fans want flaming tables. They get a chair duel instead. The referee tries a double clothesline on the team that isn’t the Dudleys. It fails, much like this match.

The Dudleys bring in a table and Gertner has lighter fluid. Balls goes through it, ending this mess.

Rating: D-. Flaming table is all that keeps this from failing. This whole show is a freaking joke and that’s being kind.

Team 3D says they’re the best in the world and cue The Gangstas. They beat the tar out of each other and then hug.

Raven talks about his past with Dreamer where they were kids together and Dreamer was a jock. Raven slept with a girl Tommy liked and then the girl left Raven for Dreamer. That was Beaulah in case you don’t know that somehow.

Jesse Neal liked the little that he saw of ECW.

Kaz wanted to be in ECW.

Joey Styles should be here but isn’t. Everyone talks about him. This is so stupid. They make it sound like he’s dead.

Raven vs. Tommy Dreamer

For no apparent reason, Foley is the referee. Beaulah is here and is still hot. The fans chant Uncle Scotty to complete this joke. They do the drop toehold spot and Dreamer gets beaten up in front of his kids. Dreamer might be the first guy to bleed tonight. It’s your usual stuff here with the beatdown that isn’t that great but the history makes it watchable. Raven is busted.

The signs are brought in as is the ladder. They do some decent stuff with that for two for Raven. Dreamer Driver gets no cover. We finally get to the barbed wire which is wrapped around Raven’s face. He taps but the BWO runs in to make sure it doesn’t count. This needs a Sandman run-in. Down goes Foley for no apparent reason. Raven Effect gets two. Or is it the Even Flow? Whatever.

Foley and Socko, which they can’t say, takes down Raven and that guy from earlier that we couldn’t recognize in the Blue Meanie skit runs down with a top rope leg drop for Dreamer. Allegedly his name is Lupus? Mandible Claw with wire to Raven of course doesn’t put him down and he cuffs Dreamer.

Beaulah comes in to stop the Rock/Foley ending in the Last Man Standing match which doesn’t work. Dreamer manages to DDT Raven while cuffed behind his back for two. Raven hits Dreamer in the knee with the chair and a DDT on it ends this. Yes, Dreamer jobbed to Raven in the final encounter. I am about to give up.

Rating: D. This started out as an ok brawl but just got insane. To be fair it was a pretty brutal match but the ending is just stupid. The problem is that this feud was perfectly finished in ECW and there was no need for this. Dreamer winning was the right way to go here so of course they didn’t do that. Not a horrible match, but it’s just showing how bad this idea was overall as this feud is one that didn’t need to continue.

The Gangstas hit on So Cal Val and make racial jokes. Borash is New Jack’s now.

We talk about Heyman and say stuff we’ve all heard before.

Sabu vs. Rob Van Dam

It’s 10:15 so hopefully we’re out before half past the hour. Other than that this is going to go WAY too long. Fonzie is in a yellow jacket and RVD comes out first. The fans say this is classic. Sabu is bald. They start out with a feeling out process because they know each other so well. Sabu does his point to the sky and RVD does his pointing. It would be nice if they actually did something.

In an interesting thing Fonzie sends a chair in but does it right down the middle. We hit the crowd for a bit as the chanting is just idiotic. Sabu botches….something and then the camel clutch is on. The bald guy doesn’t look half bad all things considered. With both guys down, Fonzie throws both of them a bottle of water. Both get tables as a result. Oh this isn’t going to end well.

Van Dam hits some slingshot legdrops and Fonzie tries to revive Sabu. Sabu hits a rana to send RVD into a chair in the middle of the ring. It looked totally fake but not bad at the same time. Clutch is on again for like 2 seconds. Triple Jump Moonsault is blocked by Van Dam and Sabu is bleeding from somewhere. Van Assassin hits (the one footed dropkick into the chair while the guy is crotched) and Sabu to the floor.

Ok so that lasts like a second and we’re back now. Morrison, watch an RVD match to see how you do the split legged moonsault, I beg of you. Rolling Thunder to the chair hits for two. Five Star ends it.

Rating: D+. While a mess, this is what it was supposed to be: a war. They beat each other up and it really isn’t as bad as anyone is saying it is. It’s bad, but this is what the match was supposed to be. There was no way it was going to be a classic, but this really wasn’t horrible. It held my attention for the most part and had some decent spots. For the ending to this show, this was bearable.

The locker room empties and we have a beer bash, which isn’t like that other show at all. The crowd chants F YOU VINCE and Dixie gets in the ring. Bubba takes her on a victory lap to end the show.

Overall Rating: D-. Let’s get the obvious out of the way first: this was bad. The wrestling was awful and there were really only two matches worth much at all. Luckily those were the two main matches and not the stuff no one remembers. This show is being called one of the worst of all time and from the view that this is the TNA offering this month, they’re right. From the perspective of using your intelligence, that’s not the case. Something that needs to be remembered here is the audience. This wasn’t for the casual wrestling fan. This was for the ECW fan and those people likely loved this. While the wrestling was bad, the booking was smart for the TNA fans as they get their PPV for FREE on Thursday. This was a way to get money out of the people that likely wouldn’t pay for a TNA show 90% of the time while still appeasing those that do. It’s a brilliant strategy from that perspective, but for casual TNA fans this was dreadful.

Another thing to keep in mind is that this was supposed to be like an ECW show. As great and fun as it was, in retrospect One Night Stand was more like a WWE show than an ECW show. This show had the realism of ECW far more than ONS did. This had the bad comedy and the random interference and the bad wrestling and the random matches. This was FAR more like ECW than the show five years ago was. Now that being said I’d still watch ONS over this a million times, but like I said earlier I’m not the target audience in the slightest. This wasn’t a good show, but it will likely be a successful one. It worked from that perspective and will be seen by ECW fans as a success, which is the whole idea. Don’t watch it or anything, but it’s not as bad as it’s made out to be, period.

Heat Wave 1998
Date: August 2, 1998
Location: Hara Arena, Dayton, Ohio
Attendance: 4,376
Commentator: Joey Styles

So apparently it’s ok to have no pay per views over the entire summer as it’s been three months since Wrestlepalooza. There are a few changes here. For one thing, guys like Mike Awesome and Masato Tanaka are here now, bringing a completely new style to ECW which was needed. Shane is of course still world champion and not wrestling tonight for no adequately explained reason.

The main event is a street fight, which is an oxymoron in ECW, between the Dudleys and Dreamer, Sandman and Spike. There is also a rather famous tag match with Van Dam and Sabu who have FINALLY ended the Storm and Candido tag title reign against Hayabusa and Jinsei Shinzaki (Hakushi). This is considered a classic but I’m not so sure that Sabu and classic can go together so we’ll just see. Let’s get to it.

Oh hey the world champion is on commentary tonight. Also all seven matches are main event matches apparently. Doesn’t that kind of defeat the purpose or something?

Joey introduces Francine (holy goodness) and Shane to be his co-hosts. After talking about Taz because they have to keep building up the freaking thing for another 5 months, Francine shoves Joey’s face into her chest.

Cue theme song and opening video.

We have a more traditional ECW entrance ramp now with the hole in the brick wall that they would use forever.

Justin Credible vs. Jerry Lynn

These two had a best of 21 series over a summer. Justin has a mob with him more or less. Naturally we get a shot at Chyna as they say Bass is bigger. Joey says they should name her Russia. Considering there was a chick in WCW named Asya, that’s kind of funny. This is the final match of said best of 21 series. Lynn of course comes out alone.

Apparently they’re feeling each other out. What the heck? THIS IS THEIR TWENTY FIRST MATCH IN THREE MONTHS. That’s a match every FOUR DAYS. How much feeling out do you need? Lynn is freaking MOVING out there. The tombstone is reversed into a rollup. Shane of course runs down Flair and Shawn even though that has nothing to do with anything.

I love how one of his first jobs in mainstream wrestling was being half of the New Rockers when Shawn was hurt. We’ll ignore that though. The first chair is in 15 minutes into the show. Well at least they waited a bit. We’re on the floor now and in full brawl mode. At least we got some wrestling stuff first so it balances out. Justin takes a DDT on the chair which should knock him out but of course it doesn’t.

That’s followed up by a hurricanrana through a table. I get that this is the last of the series, but dang man could you be a bit less contrived? To be fair though, this is a big match and not just a random pairing. Lynn keeps using the Tiger Bomb for some reason. Did he not have the Cradle Piledriver yet? Chastity gets a tombstone and Joey is glad. After an odd sequence, a tombstone from the second rope ends this with Justin winning.

Rating: C-. The weapons were a turn off for me as was all of the interference, but anyone that can have a best of 21 series is pretty decent. That’s a good way to describe Justin actually. Lynn impressed me here far more as he was carrying this. That’s Justin’s problem I think: he doesn’t do much and his offense is REALLY limited. It’s punch, taunt, chair move, taunt, tombstone. That doesn’t make you a good wrestler or character, but Heyman thought he was I guess.

We recap Storm vs. Candido and how they lost the belts to Van Dam and Sabu. Tonight is the one on one match.

Lance Storm vs. Chris Candido

Sunny looks freaking HOT. Joey thinks that maybe they’re getting along again and this will be a nice wrestling match. Naturally that doesn’t happen and Joey says he knew it wouldn’t. It’s funnier than it sounds. They chop the heck out of each other. BLAST IT IT JOEY QUIT SAYING THE SAME THINGS I SAY!!! Candido gets a nice dive from the top rope to the floor. Freaking sweet looking.

Storm rolls Sunny in and then just lets her roll out again in a completely pointless sequence. This is a rather basic but intense match. Storm hits a SWEET springboard over the railing to crash into Candido. It’s a solid brawl but it’s really not that great. Storm gets another SWEET move with a spin kick off the middle rope.

We have our fifth Batista/Tiger Bomb (yes I know they’re different moves but Joey keeps saying it’s a Tiger Bomb so whatever) of the night. You don’t have to do the same move over and over again. Candido gets powder thrown in his own eyes but there goes the referee. Sunny crotches Storm on the top and the super powerbomb ends this. Oh and along the way Sunny got her top ripped off. Sunny needs to wear red more often. My freaking goodness!

Rating: C+. Not bad, but it felt like it ended all of a sudden. I mean there were some ok high spots here, but for the most part there just wasn’t a lot going on. It was about 11 minutes but it felt like five.

New Jack says he’s ready for whoever he’s fighting in a pretaped thing in the parking lot. A huge brawl breaks out and he curses way too much. They Dudleys and the Hardcore Chair Swinging Freaks were in there. Jack is hurt apparently. Aww there’s no weapons match tonight. FOR SHAME!

Sabu, Van Dam and Alfonso are ready. Van Dam is on the verge of a face turn.

Mike Awesome vs. Masato Tanaka

These two feuded for the better part of ever and Tanaka usually would win if you can believe that. Awesome was just a freak of nature to say the least. In a little known bit of trivia, Awesome is the step nephew of one Hulk Hogan. Awesome could do just about everything and jumped all over the ring like Rey Mysterio, but he was the size of Test or so. And there he goes with a huge dive over the top rope.

Tanaka gets a running start with a chair to nail Awesome in the head. That looked painful. Basically all Tanaka can do is blast him with a chair. I’m not saying that’s all he’s capable of, but that that’s all he can get to work. A huge splash hits as this is rather physical. It’s not great but it’s far from bad as well. Tanaka takes a bunch of chair shots to the head but he Rises Up as the chair looks diseased.

The Awesome Bomb connects but Awesome wants to use a table instead. I hate those stupid things. A chair shot from the top which should have killed Tanaka connects and still no cover. Tanaka escapes twice despite likely being legally dead and power bombs Awesome through the table.

I’ve officially lost this match now, as there comes a point where disbelief can’t be suspended anymore. The Roaring Elbow connects for the second time but only the first time that it was either noticed or that Awesome sold it. A tornado DDT on a chair ends it.

Rating: C+. Well it was a good brawl but not much more. The amount of kickouts was just dumb near the end, as half of those bumps should have killed them. It certainly was exciting if nothing else though. The good thing is that the matches didn’t really get bad but they never really got better either. This was fun.

During the post match part, Shane mentions he can’t get back in the ring until November 1. So just to be clear, the world champion is out at bare minimum three months, not counting however long he’s been out already. And everybody is ok with this?

Taz says he’s better and means more than Austin and Goldberg. Oh that’s FUNNY.

Ad for November to Remember which is when Shane returns to the ring.

The Dudleys, all like nine of them say that they’re ready for tonight and their street fight. All of them say that and it takes forever.

Tag Titles: Hayabusa/Shinzaki vs. Rob Van Dam/Sabu

This is considered one of the gold standards of ECW so let’s see if it’s as good as I’ve been told that it is. The fans are into the Walk theme music for RVD and that’s an understatement. Van Dam is also the TV Champion. It’s amazing that he held it more or less until the company ended minus six months. The announcer butchers Shinzaki’s name to an extent that even I roll my eyes at it.

They say Sabu is from Bombay, Michigan and that never gets old. There’s no storyline here as they’ve just brought the guys in for a one off match. Ok then. Hayabusa and Van Dam start us off. We get a stall for a good while before we actually start. It’s an old Memphis tactic that I’ve always hated. They do a sloppy rollup/leg lock spot. Not a great starting point.

We get a you F’D chant off blown spot number two. We’re MAYBE two minutes into this by the way. Off a kick to the face (think Kofi’s Trouble in Paradise) Hayabusa misses Rob’s head by about 6 inches yet Van Dam sells it anyway. There’s been WAY too much walking around and doing nothing here. In what’s likely Shinzaki’s biggest move, he does a praying rope walk around the top rope like Taker but he goes around a corner.

Let me make sure I’ve got this straight. Van Dam is just holding onto him walking for about 8 seconds and has a free arm and two free feet, and we’re supposed to believe he’s just going to go quietly? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? When Taker does it it’s about 2 seconds on the ropes and nothing more. Not only is this sloppy, but it’s not making much sense.

And Sabu hasn’t even been in until now. He comes in for a cover. That makes sense. Nothing says high impact and cool looking offense like a chinlock! I think Hayabusa stole his attire from Hannibal from WCW/NWO Revenge. SUE HIM IMMEDIATELY!

Sabu shows some intelligence as he dropkicks the knee and then WORKS ON THE LEG! I’m stunned actually. After a LONG time of mat work etc we get to the high flying stuff that this is supposed to be about. Hayabusa is moving out there. We’re in the crowd now in case you were wondering. We’re out of the crowd now in case you were wondering.

Shinzaki and Sabu are in the ring while the other two are down on the floor. Van Dam puts Shinzaki in a bow and arrow so Sabu can hit him in the ribs with a chair. Again, WHY DO YOU NEED THE CHAIR??? The match was just starting to get good and we bring in a pointless chair because Sabu can’t work more than 5 minutes without a weapon. If you want to know what drives me the craziest about ECW, it’s THAT.

Sabu goes out, the chairs are taken out, and the match is instantly going up in value. Hayabusa going insane off the ropes is fun to watch. Why do we need chairs and weapons? Sabu hits a decent jumping hurricanrana. That wasn’t bad at all. See, if he tries, he could do some decent NON WEAPON RELATED stuff. Shinzaki hits what we would call a Pele kick on Van Dam. Hayabusa hits a 450 splash and this isn’t terrible.

Sabu hooks a Boston Crab so Van Dam can go up for a leg drop. This has lost anything resembling flow or actual tag wrestling and is just a mess anymore. If that’s the case, what was the point of the tagging thing earlier? We have a table and I more or less give up now. Shinzaki hits a WEIRD looking leg twist on Van Dam. It was cool looking if nothing else.

More chair use as Van Dam jumped from one side of the ring to another for kind of a Van Daminator. Sabu hurts his hand doing something. They break the table. Not break through it but just break it. So we get two more! Oh and a chair which is slammed over Hayabusa’s head. A Van Daminator takes down Shinzaki.

In the big spot of the match, both Japanese guys are on one table and the champions go up top and crash through both guys. That ends it. Seriously? It should be noted that in every replay, the champions use weapons and the challengers never do. That should tell you a few things.

Rating: D+. The first half of this was pretty good. It wasn’t great at all but I didn’t expect it to be. After about ten minutes though it’s your standard ECW tag match: weapons, ridiculous spots with zero transitions, and a complete lack of anything resembling tagging.

Also, the first half is made to look pointless as they tagged then but they don’t in the second half. BE CONSISTENT BLAST IT! It’s watchable I guess, but it’s nothing I’m going to remember in about a day or so. This is the best tag match ECW ever had? That explains a lot.

We recap Bigelow vs. Taz. More or less, Taz got put through the ring and he went after Shane and the Triple Threat, including Bigelow. This was the introduction of the FTW Title. This was really about setting up Shane vs. Taz but because the champion was injured for at least three months, we didn’t get the match for about another 6 months.

Yeah, because we couldn’t do that in November since we had to have a 6 man tag instead. I mean, it’s not like this hasn’t been going on for the last 4 months already or anything. Heyman makes my head hurt.

FTW Title: Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Taz

You know, for an unrecognized title, it certainly was recognized by the announcer. Oh this is a death match, meaning falls count anywhere. Bigelow is noticeably less fat. Shane says he won’t cheer lead. That’s rather amusing. First move of the match: Bigelow powerbombs Taz and it’s completely no sold. Give me a break. This isn’t your standard big man vs. little man match as Taz isn’t your typical little man.

Taz goes air (Evan) borne by jumping off the stage at Bigelow who catches him. That’s always been a move I get impressed by. They’re in the crowd here which at least makes sense in this case as it’s falls count anywhere. We get an armbar on the floor. Ok then. Shane of course takes credit for everything that Bigelow does. At least he’s being a heel. The lack of weight really does help him out I think. Taz is bleeding.

Back in the ring now and IT’S TABLE TIME! SO NEW! SO INNOVATIVE! OH YES!!! Taz goes through it and Bigelow is dominating. They exercise recycling as they have Bigelow go through the same table that Taz did. ECW is environmentally conscious if nothing else.

And then we go on the ramp and Taz reverses a DDT through the ramp to do the same big mindless spot that they did in the first match. Both guys of course come out of the hole and the Tazmission is on for the tap out. Shane’s reaction is great. I’d sell my G-Mod spot for a curses foiled again from him.

Rating: D+. Again just an overblown brawl. Thankfully this ended their feud but again it’s just another chapter in the Shane/Taz saga. It was all about one spot which is the smoke and mirrors booking that Heyman was notorious for. It’s ok to just wrestle. He needs to get that.

We recap the Dudleys vs. the faces which started when Beaulah had her neck broken by them. Joey goes on a rant against the Dudleys because of what they did. The heat on them was unreal.

Dudleys vs. Tommy Dreamer/Spike Dudley/Sandman

The Dudleys are Bubba, D-Von and Big Dick in case you were wondering. This is the show where everyone went off on the Dudleys that Bubba talked about on Rise and Fall of ECW if you remember. There’s a piece of plywood more or less over the hole in the ramp. We get a bunch of promos from every one of the heels. The Dudleys would be gone in about a year or so.

Joel gets his usual great promo in that makes me laugh. Oh and Sign Guy is hurt pretty badly due to a ton of beatings. Oh and there’s a Beaulah doll with them. Sandman’s entrance takes about ten minutes and we have a ladder for no apparent reason. It’s a Dudleyille Street Fight so of course we’re tagging in and out. Dreamer and D-Von start us off.

Something tells me this is going to be violent quickly. Spike comes in and of course gets the tar beaten out of him by Bubba. Quite a bit of the next three or four minutes is just Spike getting beaten up. Oh joy it’s Dick vs. Sandman. This isn’t going to be pretty at all. Screw it we’re on the floor now. If this turns into a regular tag team match again I’ll be AMAZED.

Tommy and D-Von are in the crowd now with the non African-American winning it. It’s ladder time and they just beat the heck out of each other with it with big spots followed by resting and then more brawling. D-Von’s overselling never gets old to me if nothing else. Bubba finally hits that back splash thing onto a ladder onto Tommy. That’s not dumb at all.

We have more weapons in the ring than people. The managers get beaten up. All three Dudleys and Gertner are tied to the Tree of Woe and the referee hit dropkicks onto chairs to them all. I give up man. Sandman whispers into Bubba’s ear before they set up a spot. Sandman takes a SICK chair shot to the head. Dreamer hits a DDT on Bubba onto a ladder for the pin. And here’s New Jack and Jack Victory who were supposed to have a match earlier to beat people up and we’re done.

Rating: F+ More brawling. That’s all this was. WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE BRAWLING??? Look, I get that this is a hardcore company. I get that this was a big grudge match. I get that this was about revenge. I get all that, but WRESTLE FOR MORE THAN TWO MINUTES A MATCH!

This was the most violent match of the night, true. However, it COMPLETELY loses its appeal when there have been what, three other wild brawls already tonight? This is why I hate reviewing ECW: I get more wrestling on the hour long show that airs on Tuesdays than I do in the original three hour long PPVs. That’s unacceptable any way you look at it.

Overall Rating: D. This brawling stuff has got to freaking stop, but something tells me that simply isn’t going to happen at all. This was the sixth ECW PPV and while this was better than Wrestlepalooza, that’s not saying much. This just didn’t work for me as it was all about violence. ECW was supposed to have a balance but it just wasn’t there on this show at all and the show sucked as a result to me.

It’s not completely terrible, but it’s repetitive. By the end of the show I hated the thought of another chair or weapon shot and was just burnt out. That’s really bad and something tells me it’s not going to change. Also for the love of pizza stop comparing yourselves to WWF. They were 4 weeks away from tearing MSG down with Rock vs. HHH in the ladder match at Summerslam 98. You guys don’t deserve to be able to even talk about that company at this point. Stay clear of this one.

Wrestlepalooza 1998
Date: May 3, 1998
Location: Cobb County Civic Center, Marietta, Georgia
Attendance: 3,401
Commentator: Joey Styles

It’s been two months since Living Dangerously and not a lot has changed. It’s still Snow vs. Douglas as Snow’s insane rise in popularity continues. Candido and Storm are still champions that hate each other and are defending the belts tonight in a storyline that NO ONE has ever seen before. Van Dam has begun his two year long reign with the title and has his first big defense tonight: he’s fighting Sabu. Oh this could hurt a lot. Let’s get to this as the card looks somewhere between bad and ok.

We do the intro video before the show introduction this time which I like a lot better. The other way just takes me out of the show for some reason. It usually feels like they forgot to do the show opening or something and then went back to it.

F.B.I. vs. BWO

Suddenly I want some alphabet soup. It’s Tracy Smothers and Guido vs. Super Nova and Blue Meanie. The BWO itself is actually over and dead but they both wear blue and team together still so there we are. I want to hit Tommy Rich. The guy is just freaking annoying. He gets a huge F YOU chant directed at him so at least Georgia fans are intelligent. Nova and Guido, the two talented guys, start us out.

Nova is a superhero by the way. Meanie is just a fat guy that has nothing else going for him. Nova is well known for having a very unorthodox offense and it’s on display here. Meanie comes in and Rich says we need to have a dance contest. And the referee dances too. THANKFULLY Smothers jumps Meanie to end this mindlessness. And the referee slams both heels to get two on Smothers. What the heck am I watching???

Finally we get something sensible as Smothers hits a nice bicycle kick to Nova’s head. Meanie can’t even get into the ring correctly. This is what critics mean when they say this company was a joke. When you’re that sloppy, you have no business being in a ring on a major show at all. Meanie misses the moonsault, which is just about the only move Meanie could do without injuring someone else. Nova hits a downward spiral for the pin. And the faces do the YMCA afterwards. My head hurts again.

Rating: D+. It wasn’t bad, but for the most part it was an unfunny comedy match. Nova was cool, but other than that there was just noting at all that stood out here for me. Meanie was just a fat tub of goo that never did anything of note outside of ECW (Bluedust was nothing of note and yes I know he was in WWF for awhile) and the FBI were always annoying to me. It’s not bad but it’s nothing to write home about, or better yet it’s nothing to review. Wait what?

We recap Justin Credible vs. Mikey Whipwreck. This feud is STILL going? This was just a way to get Justin over which completely failed as there was one simple problem: Justin wasn’t any good. Paul kept trying to tell us he was but it simply wasn’t there. Justin got pushed until the company folded and was getting said push over guys like RVD. That should explain a lot to you.

Justin Credible vs. Mikey Whipwreck

So Mikey’s destroyed knee is all of a sudden fine. Good to know. He gets some good punches in and we’re on the floor already. They throw Justin into the crowd and he more or less crushes a fan. I get that this is a different kind of company, but dude, don’t half crush your fans. Justin shoves Mikey off the apron so that he crashes into the guard rail. We have our first chair of the evening and Mikey takes a SICK bump into it.

That looked like it would have nearly killed him but of course he’s fine. The fans chant Aldo at Justin. He was Aldo Montoya in WWF in case you didn’t know that. If nothing else he gets a nice counter to the Whippersnapper (Stunner, which Mikey used way before Austin) by just hooking him in a reverse DDT. It was very nice indeed. These fans are really annoying.

I get that they’re a major aspect of ECW, but to fans like me who aren’t huge fans and are the audience that ECW needed to grab in order to stay in business, they’re very annoying indeed. Justin gets suplexed through a table which of course is impressive even though we see it about five times a show.

And now it’s just about the chair and nothing else. It’s just big spot, two count, chair spot, two count, big spot, two count over and over again. Chastity, the valet of Credible, takes a BAD Whippersnapper off the top. And Justin gets the tombstone out of nowhere onto the chair for the pin. I hated that ending.

Rating: D+. So in other words, Justin lost twice in a row but he gets a more or less fluke win here and he wins the feud. ECW and most other wrestling companies have a major problem with this and it drives me insane. Just because you win the last match in a feud doesn’t mean you win the feud. Take Dreamer vs. Raven for example: Dreamer “won” the feud, but he lost probably 100 times and got one victory. How does that make him the winner?

As for this match, the ending was just big spot after big spot and then Justin got the tombstone for the random pin. That’s supposed to make sense I guess. Justin, who is supposed to be the best wrestler in the world according to Heyman, did nothing other than a throw into the guard rail all match but hits one big move to win the thing. That’s GREAT wrestling indeed Paul.

Rotten and Mahoney want their shot at the titles. They demand a shot and just get one. Ok then.

ECW Tag Titles: Hardcore Chair Swinging Freaks vs. Chris Candido/Lance Storm

They still hate each other and even though they don’t get along and fight each other, they manage to beat every team in the company as they do it. Don’t you just love Heyman’s brilliance? Mind you the challengers were in the arena to make their challenge yet the champions are here first. In a funny spot, they argue over who gets top billing. Oh I get it now: the champions came to the ring and were introduced before they actually accepted the challenge. Is Heyman even thinking?

The Freaks are Axl Rotten and Balls Mahoney in case you were wondering. To my surprise we start with a wrestling sequence. Something tells me this isn’t going to last long. Good night Balls Mahoney is worthless. Rotten is trying to wrestle which works ok but it’s hard to take a guy who wrestles for a team called the Hardcore Chair Swingin Freaks seriously. They do a standard tag match here and it’s really not that bad. I’m very surprised. Rotten throws chops and the fans WOO.

They start a BRING IN FLAIR chant and my head begins to hurt. First off, just no. Second off, isn’t that exactly what ECW is supposed to be against? Third of all, I love how they just assume Heyman can afford that. The fans were stupid at times and were dragged around by Heyman by their noses. It’s really pathetic at times. Sunny shows up and the champions fight over Storm saving her. “Hey! You keep your hands off my fiancé! If she dies who cares??? YOU JUST STAY AWAY!”

And now we get to the flat out stupid part of the match. Balls hits his finisher. There’s no one around. They should win the titles. He goes to get a chair. That’s almost understandable I guess. Now let’s have the stupid part. He turns around with the chair in his hand and Storm jumps up with a springboard to come at Mahoney.

What does he do you ask? Does he throw the chair at Storm? Does he, oh I don’t know, MOVE? Nope. He puts the chair in front of his face so Storm can kick it into Balls’ head. That was just pathetic looking. On and Candido hits Storm with the chair so he can get the pin and they fight back to the locker room. This has NEVER been done before!

Rating: C+. Other than the freaking idiotic stuff at the end, this was ok. The key thing: for the most part they kept things toned down and had a wrestling match. Since Barely Legal they’ve toned the violence down a good bit and it’s been helping a lot. This was ok and would have been a lot better had the ending not sucked as much.

Ad for the merchandise catalogue and Heat Wave 98. That one’s coming soon.

We have a “Legends” ceremony from earlier. It’s Junkyard Dog, Dick Slater, Masked Superstar (Ax from Demolition) and Bullet Bob Armstrong. You know, a bunch of old NWA guys, because ECW and the NWA got along SO well. This was a nice idea, but when you look at it this was just stupid.

Shane Douglas, who is apparently held together with tape at this point, is brought out to be told about how tough he is. So despite all these injuries, it’s fairly obvious he’ll win tonight. We’ll get to the pure idiocy of this later. He runs down the WWF and Shawn, who had just left with the broken back that kept him out for four and a half years. Oh and he runs Flair down too. If Shane drew in the entire run of ECW what Flair or Shawn drew in a single year, I’d be stunned.

This is just Shane saying how great he is and how tough he is and how tonight might be his last match. Taz comes out to tease their showdown. Nope, we’ve still got another 8 months before that because the top face vs. the top heel isn’t a match we can have when the fans are begging for it of course. We get what might be the first F Bomb on an ECW PPV. Taz demands the Title be handed to him instead of you know, winning it.

Taz does a weird looking choke out that wasn’t the Tazmission and security breaks it up. Like I said, this match wouldn’t happen for EIGHT MONTHS. What they were waiting on is beyond me. Bigelow comes out to fight Taz and that’s broken up too. They handcuff Taz and arrest him for no logical reason as Shane is spitting up blood. I love how Shane runs down Shawn but he’s going to do the same thing: make this big come from behind win over Snow which makes NO sense but they did it anyway so Shane can look awesome all over again.

Oh dang it we have a New Jack match now.

Bam Bam Bigelow vs. New Jack

GAH IT’S THIS STUPID SONG!!! Seriously, who thought this was a good idea? New Jack is going to get destroyed other than some weapons shots because the guy can’t wrestle a freaking match to save his life but hey, let’s play his song while he’s getting killed. Yep, 30 seconds in and we have weapons. Why is this appealing at all? It’s just mindless violence that has no business being called wrestling.

Bigelow is better than this on so many levels and it’s not even funny. We’re in the crowd now as that song is still playing. Bigelow just throws chairs at him as this is supposed to be entertaining. I get that some fans want this, but it makes the whole company look amateurish as a result. If this was still a regional promotion, this would be just fine. But it’s not a regional company anymore.

They wanted to go national but they can’t let go of the hardcore nonsense and it’s really hurting the product quite a bit. This is going to get at least ten minutes of about three hours. And New Jack jumps off a balcony with a guitar shot to Bigelow’s head. So even though that should likely kill both of them, the fans cheer.

And now let’s just lay around for awhile because that’s a great use of PPV time. Ok to be fair almost all wrestling companies do the laying around thing. Bigelow hits the Greetings From Asbury Park which doesn’t connect at all but whatever. At least it’s over.

Rating: F. I get why it’s here, but it still sucked and was completely worthless. At least we get Welcome to the Jungle. I hate these matches or whatever they are.

We see Dreamer and Sandman getting beaten up by the Dudleys set to a ballad of all things. That was odd.

Dudley Boys vs. Tommy Dreamer/Sandman

Sandman cuts off the always funny Gertner entrance but the song makes up for it a bit. Beaulah is about as close to perfect as you can get. This is another “grudge” match where the grudge was developed between PPVs with no explanation as to what started it or any useless information like that. I get that Sandman’s entrance is cool, but they need to cut a minute or two out of it as it just goes on forever. Yep this is going to be a massive brawl because it’s been a full 4 minutes since we saw one of those.

And there’s the first table and my eyes roll immediately. This of course devolves into a massive brawl that has no semblance of anything noteworthy at all. We get some great shots of Beaulah and that’s about it. Sandman leaves because of his neck and after about five minutes of Tommy being murdered, Spike more or less replaces Sandman.

He gets a 3D for trying to save Beaulah but Sandman comes back in a neck brace. Yeah because he was able to see the doctor and the doctor released him inside of five minutes I guess. A pair of DDTs end this and the Dudleys lose.

Rating: D-. Only reason this isn’t failing is I’ve always thought Beaulah was beyond sexy. This was just ridiculous as Dreamer survived what should have killed him to come back and be fine. It was just a total mess and it wasn’t entertaining for the most part. They had no idea what to do with the Dudleys at this point.

So Sabu had a TV Title shot here tonight against Bigelow and he sent RVD, his partner, in to beat Bigelow up a bit but Van Dam wound up winning the title, leading to this. That’s actually decent.

TV Title: Rob Van Dam vs. Sabu

Something tells me we’re going to have a ton of weapons here and I base that on the fact that it’s a Sabu match. Van Dam gets on the mic after they feel each other out a bit and says this isn’t going to happen and it was a plan. Sabu of course goes after him anyway and makes the speech completely pointless. They actually go four minutes with no weapons. That has to be a record of some kind for Sabu.

We go back to the ring at about 8 minutes in for a change of pace. Oh never mind the chair is there with him. And hey we go back to the floor AGAIN. Joey talks about how brutal it is. I couldn’t agree more. In an impressive spot, Van Dam manages to crotch himself on the guard rail when there’s no guard rail underneath him. Joey: Sabu is deadly at throwing chairs. That can’t be a good sign.

Sabu of course kicks out of the Van Daminator and the Five Star because that’s perfectly reasonable. We’ve been going about half an hour now and I think I know what’s coming. I know this isn’t a lot of text for that long of a match but it’s been about 15 minutes of them just wasting time or laying around or setting up tables and chairs.

There’s been more or less nothing of note here and I’m sure some ECW fan will explain to me that I just don’t get this match and why it’s so great. I’d love one day to watch one of these shows with an ECW fan and hear them try to defend it. Sabu kicks out of the Five Star through a table. Yep that’s perfectly realistic. The move known as Starship Pain gets two and then Sabu gets two and the bell rings for the STUPID time limit draw. They yell at each other for a long time.

Rating: D. There were some interesting drama spots near the end but for the most part this match sucked. There was so much time spent laying around and ridiculous kicking out of moves that it just stopped being interesting. Most of it was on the floor and Sabu of course botched half of what he did. This was ridiculous and the third match in a row that was stupid, and considering the obvious ending coming up, this isn’t going to be a highly received show.

We hear from Shane who reminds us that he’s VERY hurt. We get WAY too long of a recap of Shane’s career and a quick thing from Snow saying he’ll win.

ECW World Title: Al Snow vs. Shane Douglas

So Snow is more or less the hottest thing in the company’s history as everyone likes him and he’s having the best matches of his career. Shane is hurt beyond belief here so to have him win would tick off the audience and completely bury Snow more or less guarantees that Shane will keep the belt here. This starts off like a good showdown match: with both guys being in control for a good while.

This is actually decent stuff with both guys only using a chair. Snow actually kicks out of the belly to belly suplex which anywhere else would be nothing but here it’s a big deal apparently. There’s also no interference for the most part until the locker room empties to watch the match. After a Francine run in, Snow goes up top for a sunset flip which completely misses and Shane drops down for the pin.

The fans go DEAD. I mean they are as quiet as any fans ever have been in ECW history. This was just stupid booking and you can tell Joey thinks so too. This would have been like Austin losing to Michaels at Mania 14.

Rating: D+. And that’s being generous. The problem was that Heyman had booked himself into a corner as he had Taz vs. Shane which he had to build to but Snow was WAY more over than both guys and should have won the title here. However, it had to be about Shane again who no one cared about other than like 8 people. Again, he held the title EIGHT more months after this, FINALLY losing it to Taz in January before leaving a little while later.

The problem was that Snow or Taz should have had the title but by the time they pulled the trigger with Taz the company was in major trouble. Snow was literally on Raw the next night and not seen in ECW again, and why should he have been? He just lost the biggest push of his career and was more or less crippled so that Shane Douglas could get another big push. And people wonder why ECW isn’t around today.

Overall Rating: F. This show was just bad as NOTHING happened here. Seriously, the TV Title match goes to a draw, Heyman’s idiocy eats Al Snow for a solid meal, the Storm/Candido feud is STILL going on and burying a team at a time, Sandman and Dreamer beat the best team in the company despite one being in a neck brace and Credible is apparently cool for beating up a comedy champion.

What was the point here? The Snow thing is just inexcusable, period. It’s stupid stuff like this that caused Heyman to be out of business and he should be considering this crap. Oh and someone PLEASE defend RVD vs. Sabu. I want you to.