Royal Rumble 2003
Date: January 19, 2003
Location: Fleet Center, Boston, Massachusetts
Attendance: 15,338
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole, Tazz

To say a lot has changed in the last year is a huge understatement. We have the Brand Split now and there are two world titles. That brings us to the part of this show that is most remembered: the world title matches. We have HHH defending the Raw Title in one of the worst matches ever, followed by Angle defending the Smackdown Title in one of the best matches ever. Also Brock Lesnar is here and has taken Smackdown by storm. Let’s get to it.

The opening video is about what you would expect it to be: thirty men wanting to go to Wrestlemania.

Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar

The loser is out of the Rumble. Big Show has Heyman with him, which I’m sure makes him the best wrestler EVER right? Show won the title from Lesnar at Survivor Series after Heyman turned on Brock in one of those matches where they were backed into a corner out of their own stupidity. Show shoves him around to start so Brock snaps off a belly to belly suplex to fire up the crowd.

There’s a second suplex and Show is in trouble early. Lesnar loads up a third but Show grabs him by the throat and shoves him to the floor. Show throws Lesnar around the ring which looks awesome when you consider Brock is a massive dude. Lesnar avoids a charge in the corner and hits a release German suplex for two.

A big boot slows Brock down and a side slam looks to set up the chokeslam. Brock kind of rolls through it into a two count, followed by another belly to belly. Heyman gets dragged in but Show saves him from an F5. The chokeslam gets two as Heyman is losing his mind. Show gets rammed into Heyman and the F5 sends Brock to the Rumble.

Rating: C+. As intricate as modern wrestling has become, there’s something to be said about having two big guys get out there and throw each other around for five minutes. The power displays here made the fans gasp which is the right idea. At the end of the day, wrestling is a spectacle and having larger than life characters doing larger than life things is a surefire idea. This wasn’t so much good as it was fun, which is the right choice for an opener.

Jericho says he’ll win the Rumble.

Raw Tag Titles: Dudley Boys vs. William Regal/Lance Storm

Regal and Storm are defending and Regal is STILL doing the brass knuckles thing. Storm and Ray get things going with Lance working on the arm, only to get powered down with ease. Bubba hits one of his LOUD chops in the corner and takes Storm down with a kind of chokebomb. In something I’ve never seen him do otherwise, Bubba hooks a standing Figure Four. Actually I can’t think of anyone who has ever used that.

Off to D-Von for a dropkick (what’s gotten into the Dudleys tonight?) and here’s Regal to get slammed down immediately. The champs double team D-Von down and we get into the standard tag team formula. Storm takes D-Von to the mat and it’s off to Regal for a front facelock. Lance comes back in with a cravate into a sleeper as this continues to meander along.

D-Von rolls Storm away and makes the tag to Bubba who speeds things up. The guy has emotion if nothing else. A big running splash in the corner crushes both champions and a side slam gets two on Storm. The American hits a German on the Canadian for two, followed by a spear to the Englishman. The Bubba Bomb gets two on Lance and Regal takes What’s Up. A double flapjack (stupid fans: “3D!”) gets two on Storm and here’s Chief of Staff Sean Morely. Regal finds the brass knuckles but walks into the 3D. D-Von hits Storm with the knuckles for the pin and the titles.

Rating: D. This didn’t work for me. It felt like a Raw match that was trying to be a PPV match but never got near the hump they were trying to get over. The ending was stupid on top of that, as they had Regal beaten with the 3D, so why use the knuckles? Also it didn’t help that Bubba single handedly beat up the tag champions for about two minutes straight. Bad match.

Lawler on that match: “I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.” What is WITH the announcers and their similies/metaphors in this company?

Nathan Jones is coming. Oh geez.

We recap the Torrie vs. Dawn feud. This is one of those stories where you look at it in awe and wonder what they were thinking. Dawn Marie (a gorgeous Diva) fell in love with and married Torrie’s fifty something year old dad Al Wilson, then screwed him to death (literally) on their honeymoon. There was some lesbianism (as in kissing on screen and unfilmed other stuff) involved which was there to tease the audience and wasn’t bad at all. This is supposed to be a stepmother vs. stepdaughter match. Again, I have no idea what this was supposed to accomplish.

Dawn Marie vs. Torrie Wilson

Dawn comes to the ring in a veil because she’s in mourning. Torrie gets blasted in the face to start before spearing Dawn down and things get sloppy. Marie tries an armbar because we need some wrestling in this I guess. Torrie gets beaten on for a bit until they collide and hit the mat. Dawn hits a springboard spinning clothesline for no cover, giving us the highlight of the match. Torrie hits a neckbreaker out of nowhere for the win.

Rating: D-. Anything with these two in those outfits can’t be considered a failure, but at the end of the day, there is no real defending this match in the slightest. It was HORRIBLE and the story was borderline insulting to my intelligence, but the girls looked good and I guess that was the whole point. Why not just have a regular match if you want to is beyond me, but it’s 2003 so what do you expect?

Stephanie seems to hit on some young guy in the back when Eric comes up to trade some weak trash talk. They’re both GM’s at this point. Stephanie has a bombshell for Smackdown which would wind up being Hogan. They argue over money or blood being more important and nothing goes anywhere. That young guy by the way? Randy Orton.

House show ads, including one for 7pm on a Monday night.

Sean O’Haire as the Devil’s Advocate promo. Sweet goodness this could have been HUGE.

Nathan Jones is STILL coming. Seriously did we need that twice in 30 minutes?

We recap HHH vs. Scott Steiner as I begin to take deep breaths. HHH was giving a promo about how awesome he was when Steiner interrupted and demanded a title shot. This led to a series of contests like pushups and bench presses which went nowhere. Note that Steiner hadn’t actually had a match in WWE up to this point. I wonder why.

Raw World Title: HHH vs. Scott Steiner

HHH has red trunks on here for some reason. He mixed them up every now and then and rarely did the other colors work. Stick with basic black Game. Hebner brings them to the middle for instructions which is ultra rare stuff. Steiner wins an early slugout and pounds on the champion in the corner. A gorilla press sends HHH to the floor and Steiner pounds away with those weird looking overhand punches of his.

Steiner suplexes him back in for two and works on the back some more. An elbow to the face puts HHH down and there’s an appropriate Boston Crab. HHH powers out of it and hits the facebuster but Steiner no sells it. There’s a bear hug which is quickly broken but Steiner snaps off an overhead belly to belly (1) for two. Flair saves HHH from being put in the Steiner Recliner and Steiner charges into a boot in the corner to finally change the momentum.

We head to the floor again where Scott goes into the steps. The fans aren’t exactly thrilled with this so far but they’ve still got time to crank it up a bit. Flair chokes away with his jacket and HHH hits his second neckbreaker in about 30 seconds for two. Since we didn’t allido it properly the first time, Flair chokes away even more. A Pedigree attempt is countered into a slingshot into the buckle. Steiner looks like he’s going through labor.

An overhead suplex (2) puts HHH down and I kid you not: Steiner FALLS DOWN due to exhaustion. He’s clearly sucking wind and HHH didn’t touch him at all. Speaking of HHH, he counters a tombstone attempt into a….I think it was supposed to be the third neckbreaker in about 90 seconds but Steiner took it wrong, causing it to look like a cutter where he fell backwards instead of forwards. That gets two and the fans are starting to boo.

HHH is loudly calling spots to try to salvage this before he hits a vertical suplex. For no apparent reason he goes up and jumps into a belly to belly (3). Steiner can barely punch so he settles for some clotheslines. There’s an overhead belly to belly (4) and an overhead belly to belly (5) and an overhead belly to belly (6). The fans are openly booing Steiner now. His response? To hold HHH’s hair while HHH rams his own head into the buckles (seriously, Steiner clearly isn’t even pushing) and to hit a spinning belly to belly (7) for two and even more booing.

Steiner tries a butterfly powerbomb and literally falls backwards as he does it, causing HHH to land on Steiner’s knees. The fans groan at the sight of this so HHH goes up top to get superplexed down. He’s handing these spots to Steiner. THANKFULLY HHH tries to walk out but Steiner won’t have it, because WE HAVE TO KEEP GOING. Steiner blasts HHH with the belt to bust him open to try to get the fans to care but the match is long past salvageable at this point.

Back in and Steiner hits ANOTHER belly to belly (8), causing the fans to get MAD. They’re not annoyed, they’re not wanting a new champion, they want Steiner to get out of their ring now. HHH tries to get counted out but Steiner goes after him AGAIN. Back in and Steiner does the pushups to tick off the fans even more as Flair is BEGGING the referee to stop the match.

Now HHH throws the referee to the floor but HEBNER WON’T STOP IT. I mean he pulls his arm up to ring the bell but stops and says keep it going. Steiner hits the NINTH belly to belly suplex (9) of the match for two so HHH hits him low and grabs a fast rollup for two. HHH finally gives up and hits Steiner with the sledgehammer for the DQ.

Rating: H. As in HHH, who I feel sorry for here. Now everyone knows I’m no fan of the guy in 2003, but he was in a HORRIBLE situation here. HHH was trying to keep this a coherent match, but Steiner was beyond worthless here, causing the match to sink to levels far below what any other main event “talent” would be capable of. After about seven minutes (out of eighteen), Steiner stopped doing anything resembling trying to have a match and was just doing suplexes.

Remember that back stuff he did at the beginning? Completely forgotten. Did you see him try his finisher? Not even once. He somehow managed a belly to belly suplex every two minutes, despite being on defense for a good third of the match. This was absolutely horrible and quite possibly the worst world title match I can EVER remember, which is covering a lot of ground.

Post match, Steiner beats up HHH and Flair with the hammer, which gets SYMPATHY from the fans. HHH is getting SYMPATHY from a crowd. Think about that for a minute. And what’s worse: THEY HAD A REMATCH! Oh and there’s the Steiner Recliner to absolutely nothing positive from the crowd at all. Bischoff has to come get Steiner off HHH.

We cut to Cole and Tazz and even MICHAEL FREAKING COLE has a look on his face as if to say “WOW that was an abomination.”

We recap Benoit vs. Angle. Angle won the title from Big Show at Armageddon thanks to Lesnar before revealing that he hired Paul Heyman to be his new manager. Heyman said anyone could get a shot other than Brock Lesnar and brought in Team Angle (Haas and Benjamin) to protect Kurt during a knee injury. Benoit won a title shot over Big Show to set this up.

Smackdown World Title: Chris Benoit vs. Kurt Angle

Team Angle is immediately ejected to make sure it’s one on one. Benoit grabs a headlock to start before trying the Sharpshooter to send Angle to the floor. Back in and Angle goes for the ankle but gets dropkicked away. Benoit grabs a kind up reverse Figure Four but Angle grabs the rope. This is all holds/counter holds so far. Benoit gets sent shoulder first into the post followed by an Angle suplex for two.

They chop it out with Benoit taking over and hitting a reverse clothesline to take Angle down. Angle drops Benoit across the top rope but gets guillotined down by the Canadian. They head to the apron with Benoit DDTing him down onto the side of the ring. The champion has a busted nose now. Back in and the Swan Dive misses but Benoit rolls out of the Angle Slam. There’s the Sharpshooter to Angle who eventually gets to a rope. A belly to back suplex gets two for Chris but Angle snaps off an overhead belly to belly (just one so far).

Back to the floor where Benoit gets dropped onto the barricade to further mess with his head. Off to a rear naked choke back inside so Kurt can overly loudly call some spots. Angle catches Benoit in another belly to belly followed by a belly to back for two. Back to the chinlock for a bit until a double clothesline puts both guys down. Benoit rolls some Germans but so does Angle. And people wonder why their necks were held together by tape.

Benoit gets the final German but Angle runs the ropes to hit the belly to belly off the top to put both guys down. That gets two but the Angle Slam is countered into the Crossface. Angle gets the rope, so Benoit shifts to an ankle lock. Angle reverses into one of his own and now Benoit is in trouble. Benoit goes to kick off but instead grabs another Crossface. Kurt counters into a rollup but Benoit put the Crossface on the other (right) arm this time. Angle stands up and hits the Angle Slam but can’t immediately cover.

Angle takes the straps down but another German attempt is countered into a rollup for two. They trade HARD Germans until Benoit hooks a release German to put both guys down. Before anyone asks, the difference between this and the previous match with the suplexes is how hard these are. Steiner looked like he was at a dance recital but here they look like they’re trying to kill one another. Not to mention there’s OTHER STUFF in between the suplexes.

Benoit hits the longest diving headbutt you’ll EVER see, but he can’t cover because of his head getting jarred like that. Angle counters the Crossface into a reverse powerbomb onto the buckle. The Angle Slam gets a VERY close two as the crowd is losing their minds. Back to the Crossface but Angle rolls through into the ankle lock. Benoit rolls over but can’t break the hold. He kicks Kurt off but Angle goes right back to the hold. Benoit keeps trying to kick him off but Angle hooks the grapevine and Benoit has to tap.

Rating: A+. That’s your match of the year right there people. Oh wait according to Meltzer there was some match in Japan that no one but him ever saw and that has to be better than this right? Anyway, these two DESTROYED each other with some absolutely amazing counters and awesome sequences out there while suplexing the tar out of each other. This both guy’s best match ever, and that’s saying A LOT.

Benoit gets a standing ovation, showing that he was ready to be world champion. Naturally that’s why he had to wait fifteen months to get the title, because the world was BEGGING for another Steiner match, the Nash feud with HHH, and the Goldberg run of doom. Ok Goldberg I can live with but the other two? Screw that.

Van Dam and Kane say they’ll knock each other out to win the Rumble.

Royal Rumble

The intervals are two minutes if you listen to Fink and 90 seconds if you listen to JR. There are fifteen Raw guys and fifteen Smackdown guys this year which would be the norm for a few years to come. Shawn gets #1 and Jericho gets #2, but it’s Christian playing the role of Jericho at the entrance, allowing Jericho to sneak in from behind and jump Shawn. Jericho hits Shawn low and starts the beat down before getting a chair to crack Shawn open.

Chris Nowitski is #3 and he’s perfectly fine with letting Jericho maul Shawn. Jericho easily dumps Shawn, setting up their classic at Wrestlemania. Nowitski isn’t in the ring yet. Rey Mysterio (still pretty new here) is #4 as things speed up a lot. A springboard dropkick and rana take Jericho down but Nowitski gets in as well….or not as he slid back out. Rey escapes a gorilla press and dropkicks Jericho into the ropes, only to get jumped by Nowitski.

Edge is #5 for a big pop. He would have been world champion by summer if he hadn’t hurt his neck. Jericho is sent into the post and Nowitski is knocked down, allowing the two good guys to pound away on each other while both miss finishers. A springboard rana by Rey is countered into a sitout powerbomb and Christian is #6. He hugs his brother but Edge spears him down out of common sense. Nowitski tries to dump Edge and Rey but gets caught by a “double” dropkick (read as Mysterio hit him but Edge completely missed and landed on Chris after he was already down).

The Bronco Buster hits Nowitski and Chavo is #7. He immediately takes Rey down but gets caught in a 619. Rey drops the dime on Chavo and hits a 619 on Christian. He tries a springboard rana on Christian but lands on Nowitski and takes him to the floor in the process. Jericho puts Mysterio out, leaving us with Jericho, Edge, Christian and Chavo at the moment. You can add Tajiri at #8 to that list.

Christian gets the tar kicked out of him and Chavo gets put in a spinning backbreaker. Not bad for the first twenty seconds for Tajiri. Bill DeMott is #9 and no one cares. At this point, he had been a Tough Enough trainer and his gimmick was that the rookies had ticked him off so much that he was basically a sociopath. I’ve heard of worse. Tommy Dreamer is #10 and he brings some toys with him.

There are too many people in the ring at the moment. Edge gets in some kendo stick shots on DeMott for an elimination. Christian and Jericho hit Dreamer with trashcan lids in a modified Conchairto for another elimination. Tajiri elbows both guys down but tries the Tarantula on Jericho and gets dumped as a result. B2, as in Bull Buchanan as Cena’s ex-lackey, is #11. Edge knocks out Chavo as the ring is thinning out nicely.

Jericho gets sent over the top but skins the cat and pulls out Edge and Christian in the process. Jericho is busted open but he’s left all alone in the ring. RVD is #12 and man alive do the fans love him. They slug it out for a bit with Van Dam hitting a slingshot to send Jericho to the apron but not out. Matt Hardy (who strongly dislikes mustard) is #13. The heels (as in those not named RVD) double team the good guy (as in those named RVD) but Jericho is too weak to do much and Matt kind of sucks so Van Dam takes them down.

There’s a Five Star to Jericho and Eddie is #14. He pounds away on Van Dam as well and hits a Frog Splash of his own, only to walk into a Twist of Fate from Matt. Jeff Hardy is #15 and Matt tries an alliance, only to get kicked in the gut. Jeff throws Matt to the apron but Matt’s MF’er Shannon Moore prevents the elimination. There’s the Twist of Fate to Matt but Shannon covers up Matt from the Swanton. Jeff just dives on both of them and Rosey of 3 Minute Warning is #16.

Absolutely nothing of note happens here so Test with Stacy is #17. He cleans house until John Cena is #18 with a rap for us. He manages to rhyme “Explain it to ya” with Wrestlemania so I’m impressed. He spends forever rapping until Van Dam throws him inside. The ring is way too full again. After Cena is in the ring for about eight seconds, Charlie Haas is #19. Van Dam and Jeff slug it out until Jeff goes up top like an IDIOT and gets shoved out. He would burn out and leave the company in about three months anyway.

Eddie walks the buckles and hits a rana on Jericho as Rikishi is #20, giving us Jericho, Van Dam, Matt, Eddie, Rosey, Test, Cena, Haas and Rikishi. Again that’s too many people. Rosey and Rikishi square off but nothing happens. Instead they team up and beat up Matt and Shannon because they can, until Rosey clotheslines the heck out of Rikishi. Jamal of 3 Minute Warning (you know him better as Umaga) is #21.

Rikishi superkicks Jamal down almost immediately and there’s a Stinkface for him. Kane is #22 and I think we have eleven people in there at the moment. He cleans as much house as you can clean with that many people in there before FINALLY putting someone out in the form of Rosey. Jericho gets thrown to the apron but hangs on. Shelton Benjamin is #23 and Team Angle starts taking over. Booker T is #24 and we DESPERATELY need someone to clear some guys out.

Booker immediately kicks Kane down and fires up a Spinarooni to a BIG pop. Eddie gets backdropped out and Booker pounds on Rikishi. A-Train (Albert/Tensai) is #25 and the hometown boy gets to beat up a lot of people in a hurry. Shawn Michaels runs in with a bandage on his head and goes after Jericho, causing Test to dump Jericho out. See, that way it’s legal.

Maven from Tough Enough (finally with actual trunks) is #26. He goes right for Kane like an idiot and gets punched in the face for his efforts. Goldust is #27 and he barely makes it 45 seconds before Haas and Benjamin put him out. Booker goes off on Haas in the corner but gets thrown out by Team Angle as well. He would get the world title shot at HHH as a consolation prize.

Big Dave Batista is #28 and you can hear the fans react to him. The first guy he hits? John Cena. It’s always cool to see the future in there like that. Test takes him down with a full nelson slam but Batista low bridges him for the elimination. Batista takes down Rikishi with a spinebuster before clotheslining him out. At least the ring is clearing out a bit. Brock Lesnar is #29 and is the odds on favorite to win this thing.

Brock immediately eliminates Team Angle by himself before F5ing Matt on top of them. A-Train hits a bicycle kick to take Batista down as Undertaker is #30 to a big ovation. The final grouping: Van Dam, Cena, Jamal, Kane, A-Train, Maven, Batista, Lesnar and Undertaker. Drop Maven and A-Train and that’s a pretty stacked field. To the shock of no one paying attention, Taker is returning here. There’s a 9 hour DVD of matches and moments where Undertaker returns easily.

Taker punches everyone and dumps Cena and Jamal with ease. Maven dropkicks Taker in the back and celebrates, earning himself a chokeslam. The elimination is academic. A-Train hits the chokebomb on Taker to finally slow him down as Kane chokeslams Lesnar. Kane and Van Dam, the Raw tag champions, start teaming up to beat people up but A-Train takes them both down. Van Dam saves Kane from a backbreaker and the champs double clothesline Albert out.

Kane tells Van Dam to let him pick Van Dam up and drop him on Batista, but Kane turns (not heel) on Van Dam to throw RVD out. We’re down to Lesnar, Undertaker, Kane and Batista which is awesome by today’s standards. Taker and Lesnar have a showdown but the other two guys break it up. Taker pounds away on Batista in a preview of the feud of the year in 2007.

A big spinebuster puts Taker down and Lesnar fights off the two Raw (Batista/Kane) guys. There’s an F5 for Kane and NOW we get Taker vs. Brock. They slug it out and after Taker says big boot, he hits a big boot to take Brock’s head off. The F5 is escaped but there’s a tombstone for Brock. A clothesline casually puts Batista out to get us down to three. Taker teases an alliance with Kane but dumps him as well. He has to knock away an invading Batista and Brock dumps Undertaker to go to Wrestlemania.

Rating: B-. Good but definitely not great Rumble here. You could see the next generation in the blocks but the problem is they were just that: the NEXT generation. Taker was the only possible winner here other than Brock and that’s a recipe for a bad Rumble. You need more than one candidate for the Rumble and as soon as Lesnar’s music hit, it was clear who was winning this.

Taker says go win the title but he wants the first shot. Brock says ok to end the show. Did we need that?

Overall Rating: C-. The problem with this show is that the excellent match on the card is brought down by the HORRENDOUS match just before it. The Rumble is good but it isn’t good enough to save an otherwise bad card. The show isn’t terrible, but it’s a sign of things to come for this year, especially with HHH on the Raw side. Not much to see here other than Benoit vs. Angle of course. HHH vs. Steiner is only worth seeing if you want to see a trainwreck.

Ratings Comparison

Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar

Original: D

Redo: C+

Dudley Boys vs. William Regal/Lance Storm

Original: C

Redo: D

Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie

Original: DD

Redo: D-

Scott Steiner vs. HHH

Original: G-

Redo: H (As in HHH)

Chris Benoit vs. Kurt Angle

Original: A+

Redo: A+

Royal Rumble

Original: B

Redo: B-

Overall Rating

Original: B-

Redo: C-

I’m not sure what I was thinking the first time. The show just isn’t that good.

Here’s the original review if you’re interested:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2011/01/22/royal-rumble-count-up-2003-best-match-ever/

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the paperback edition of KB’s Complete 2004 Monday Night Raw Reviews (also -available as an e-book) from Amazon. Check out the information here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2019/08/26/new-book-and-e-book-kbs-complete-2004-monday-night-raw-reviews/

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Royal Rumble 2003
Date: January 19, 2003
Location: Fleet Center, Boston, Massachusetts
Attendance: 15,338
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, Jim Ross, Tazz

The Brand Split is upon us. That’s the main difference here. The other would be the level of talent in the main events for both shows. On Raw, we have HHH vs. Scott Steiner. On Smackdown, we have Angle vs. Benoit. This show might set the all time record for biggest gap between the two main events as far as quality goes. The Raw main event was considered a complete disaster while the Smackdown one is considered an all time classic.

Other than that, the main thing is one Brock Lesnar, who has taken wrestling by storm. Shawn’s back as well, so the roster is actually pretty freaking stacked around this time. They’re still getting the hang of the Brand Split as it’s only been around about 7 months. This is the first Rumble in what I guess you would call the modern WWE era, so we’ll see what happens. Oh and Cena and Batista are here now too.

This is the first Brand Split show so it’s 15 Raw guys and 15 Smackdown guys. We get the standard wanting to go to Mania promos, but this one worked better than the others for some reason. They’re keeping it low key, and then we hear from Scott Steiner to mess it up. They really play up the Road to Mania thing here, which is the best way to go. This really is the way to get things going that way and it worked perfectly. It’s so weird to see PS2 as a new product being the sponsor for this.

No buildup or anything as we get to the opening match.

Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar

Yep, this is what’s starting the show: a rematch from Survivor Series as the winner is in the Rumble later tonight. Well ok then. Lesnar is now a face and therefore incredibly popular. Seriously though, why in the world is this opening a show? Why didn’t this main event a Smackdown or something? This is the first rematch between the two since Heyman turned on Lesnar to get the title off of him.

Big Show has a Hogan like mustache and is still wearing the horrible looking attire. I hate that. Stunning no one, it’s a power match to start us out. Lesnar really was a freaking terrifying man as he throws Show over with a decent belly to belly. I say decent in the sense that it really was crap but considering who he’s doing it to, it’s quite impressive.

Pretty much, this is the match: Lesnar does an impressive power move, Show takes over with slow and generic offense, Lesnar hits a power move, Heyman interferes, Show takes over again. In other words, it’s the exact same thing that they did at Survivor Series. To be fair though, what in the world else can they do? I mean you really have to see what Show was like to appreciate how awful he was at this time.

I mean he was just so freaking broken down and slow that he’s putting me to sleepy. I mean really, I can barely keep my eyes open. Dang it why is the sun….see what I mean? The previous sentence was written at 1237am and this is now 740am. I slept all freaking night because of a Big Show match and I wasn’t even tired! He actually sucks that much life out of an audience. But hey, he’s a huge guy so obviously he needs to be pushed right?

Brock is set for a chokeslam, but gets a SWEET counter by rolling over and taking Show down with him. It sounds kind of lame but trist me, this looked awesome. It was like an arm drag without the arm if that makes sense.

Anyway, now that that’s happened, Lesnar gets Heyman on his shoulders for an F5 but he takes a chokeslam instead. He naturally kicks out and Show’s face is kind of funny. In a very abrupt ending, Lesnar runs Show into Heyman and hits an F5 for the pin. Yes it sucked but consider the size of the guy he’s using it on.

Rating: D. Again, this was like the Survivor Series match: Lesnar does all the work, Show gets a paycheck to buy his daily ham with. This is easily the worst Show ever got as he just flat out didn’t care at this point so he relied on his size and generic offense to get him through a match. This was about six and a half minutes, which is still two longer than their world title match from Survivor Series. That’s a bit sad.

Jericho says he’ll win the Rumble. He also beat Rock and Austin in one night.

Raw Tag Titles: Dudleys vs. William Regal/Lance Storm

As you can see the tag titles are more or less dead here. The Dudleys are only 15 time tag champions at the moment. This is the Unamericans phase for the heels. Raw is in the Dunkin Donuts Center tomorrow in X’s home town apparently. Bubba hooks a freaking weird looking leg lock on Storm. It was like a combination of a figure four and a Sharpshooter but he was standing the whole time.

I’ve never seen that before and of all people Bubba freaking Ray Dudley used it. You learn something new every time. Apparently Vince wants tables tonight so there we are. We’re just about to the point where Austin would come back to beat up on Bischoff and then lose to Rock at Mania before becoming co-GM for the summer. That was just kind of sad as Austin was just not what he used to be at this point.

In case you’re wondering where in the world that came from, JR is talking about how Bischoff is in hot water on Raw for being boring according to Vince. This is your run of the mill TV match if I’ve ever seen one. That’s the issue with the Brand Split and the consolidation of the rosters of ECW and WCW onto one show: there simply isn’t time for PPV level matches on PPVs and that’s hurting the product.

The only thing PPV level about this match is the ending as Regal is about to take a 3D and Chief Morely (Val Venis), who was the deputy authority figure at this time, comes out to argue with the referee. Regal gets some brass knucks from somewhere but D-Von steals them. We get REALLY confusing here as Ross can’t tell Bubba and D-Von apart as he says Bubba has the knucks.

This messes Lawler up to no end as he was sure that D-Von had them (which was true) but Ross says Bubba has them about 5 times. Lawler keeps asking if Ross is sure and that he’s confused. I know a lot of people get on Lawler today, but this was all on Ross. After the match Ross wakes up and realizes that Bubba has apparently gotten skinnier, shorter and one heck of a tan and has changed his name to D-Von. The massive celebration ends this.

Rating: C. This is the epitome of average. It could have come off of any Raw throughout the year or any weak PPV. There was nothing at all here that set this apart from any other tag title match at all. The Dudleys are 16 time tag champions. See the problem there? It’s still Dudleys feud with the team of the month before getting the titles back for a “big moment”. It’s very sad that the belts have somehow gotten even more worthless.

We oddly go to an Australian newscast as apparently I’ve taped over….oh it’s Nathan Jones coming. Never mind. Can we go back to the Australian news that means absolutely nothing to me but is far more entertaining? And yes, somehow this clueless putz managed to get together with the Undertaker at Mania of all things. This is a great example of Vince being blinded by big men.

Cole has an insanely bad looking mustache.

We recap the AWFUL Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie feud. This is the infamous one where Dawn married Torrie’s father and blackmailed Torrie into having a lesbian affair with her in order to keep them from getting married. I said it was infamous, I never said it wasn’t insanely hot.

Soon after they got married anyway and they went on their honeymoon and she screwed him to death. As in they had a funeral segment. No one ever actually pointed out what Dawn got out of this other than ticking off Torrie. This is apparently stepdaughter vs. stepmother. Yes, it’s that stupid.

Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie

I have to give it to Tazz and Cole: they actually keep straight faces when doing the commentary here. Dawn is wearing a veil for crying out loud. The only reason for this was to have the women wear hot outfits and kiss once. Of all things, Lillian Garcia sang Torrie’s theme song. If she was even the slightest bit credible, that would be awesome. The fans are a bit bored to say the least.

They’ll pop for a catfight but as a legit big time feud this is just a failure. You can tell the girls have no real rhythm and are having to think their way through every single step of every single move. They’re botching a LOT in this too. The crowd is about as dead as Carlito’s career here too. Torrie wins with a bad neckbreaker to prove absolutely nothing at all.

Rating: DD. That’s of course what this match was about. Torrie and Dawn were both grieving and crushed, but they managed to find tight outfits to wrestle in. Yeah one girl is responsible for the other’s father’s death and they blame each other for it, so let’s have a bad wrestling match to settle this. What was the point of this supposed to be again? Whatever it was it failed.

Stephanie and Bischoff, the current GMs run into each other in the back. They run off this kid with curly hair that looks awful and the guy can’t talk to save his life. His name is Randy Orton. Evolution would officially form in 15 days, on my 15th birthday no less. Anyway, they hint that they both have big surprises coming. Bischoff’s was Austin and I think Stephanie’s was Hogan returning.

Sean O’Haire does a promo of what would have been an excellent gimmick if they hadn’t put him with Piper and had him job to Rikishi of all people.

In case you thought anything had changed in the last 15 minutes, Nathan Jones is STILL coming to the WWF.

We recap Scott Steiner vs. HHH. This had big mistake written all over it as Steiner was just a total musclehead that cut insane promos. Steiner had been a free agent and demanded a title shot guaranteed or he would go to Smackdown. HHH set up a bunch of contests where Steiner kept winning. So that’s where MVP and Matt Hardy stole that horrible story from.

Raw World Title: HHH vs. Scott Steiner

This just screams bad idea to me for some reason. HHH is wearing red tights and they just don’t look right at all. Steiner gets a lukewarm reaction at best. We get the big match introductions from Earl so that’s always fun. Steiner throws weird punches. It’s like he hits HHH in the head with his wrist or something like that. Scott does everything with his arms. It’s either punches or clotheslines or slams, but everything is based around his arms. That can’t be a good sign.

I know HHH uses his knees a lot, but he adds in some other stuf too to balance that out. Steiner is dominating here early on in the match. He’s working the back over which at least makes sense given his finisher. To shock me just a bit, Steiner throws in a kick. Yeah it was just one and now it’s back to arm moves. Steiner goes to a bearhug because he’s tired 7 minutes into a match. He mixes his stuff up with a belly to belly overhead suplex.

HHH is more or less getting dominated here. He reverses an Irish Whip (notices it’s another arm based move from Steiner) into the steps to buy some time. The fans are somewhere between dead and annoyed here. It’s just Steiner doing generic stuff while allegedly being a big time challenger to HHH. It’s like a match where the whole thing is made up of the middle of a match where one guy is wearing the other down.

The problem is they’ve been doing that for ten minutes now. The crowd pops a bit for a near Pedigree but there is NO reaction on a slingshot from Steiner. Steiner is just winded beyond belief after a relatively basic and simple match. He botches the selling of what was supposed to be I think a spinning neckbreaker and it turns into more or less a Diamond Cutter.

And now we reach the period where this match is infamous for being AWFUL. Steiner more or less gives up and just does nothing but overhead belly to belly suplexes, clotheslines, and punches. I mean that’s ALL he does. It’s like on the old N64 WWF games where the fans would boo if you did the same moves over and over again.

See, a guy like Benoit or Tazz uses a lot of suplexes because they have a great set up to get there and it wears out the opponent’s neck for their finishing submissions. Here, Steiner uses so many of them because it’s all he’s got. Also, those two others I mentioned MIXED THEIR OFFENSE UP. Tazz had what, 4 or 5 different kinds of suplexes he would use? And how often did he use the same one in a row?

Steiner has used four inside of 30 seconds. That’s four overhead belly to belly suplexes mind you. It’s cool if you do it once, but at this point it’s just dumb, and in a city like Boston, they’re not going to stand for this. He uses ANOTHER, then does that traditional one that he does where he spins to hit it. The fans are DEAD and bordering on angry here.

They’re more or less looking for a reason to just completely go insane here and there it is. Steiner goes for that butterfly powerbomb that he does (again, mainly arm work) and trips over his own feet and HHH lands on Steiner’s boots. There they go. Just to further tick the fans off, HHH and Flair try to leave. They just don’t get that the fans are completely hating this match and they keep extending it further and further.

This match feels like it could go another ten minutes, but if that happens they’re going to riot. HHH is bleeding and no one cares. A sixth, count it sixth overhead belly to belly and the fans are just done. Ross is making cracks about them too as he’s annoyed and wanting this to end. Hey, we’ve got nothing at all going here, so let’s go fight in the crowd! The referee refuses to count though as apparently HHH is intentionally trying to get counted out.

I think he’s thinking he wants to save his career while Steiner just doesn’t get it. Just to further infuriate the crowd, Steiner does pushups. HHH throws the referee out of the ring but as he goes to call for the DQ he intentionally stops because he won’t let HHH escape like that. Ok, there’s furthering an angle and then there’s realizing when the match just needs to die. At least five times now this match should have ended, but either due to Steiner or Hebner or HHH’s stupidity, it won’t just end.

Seriously, you’re getting NOTHING positive from the crowd, the match is repetitive, and Steiner can barely walk because he’s so spent, but they keep going anyway. HHH tries to punch the referee, but Steiner stops him with a standing senton corkscrew moonsault. It’s really an impressive move. He’s just such a master of wrestling and working a crowd that he makes you believe it was another belly to belly suplex.

HHH hits a low blow and rolls up Steiner but Suplex Magee over there kicks out anyway. It’s sledgehammer time and a shot from that brings the booing to a new level of intensity as after 18 minutes of torment like that we get a stupid DQ finish.

Steiner’s thong is sticking out of his tights as he no sells sledgehammer shots and beats up HHH with it to nothing but booing. He puts the Recliner on him as Ross mentions the words rematch and there being no way out of the hold, meaning the inevitable rematch is going to happen next month. Steiner poses forever before we get ready for the Smackdown Title match.

Rating: G-. This is another match where you have to wonder what the heck Vince was on when he booked it. I mean seriously, had he seen any Steiner matches from the last 5-6 years? Why in the world would he expect this to be anything resembling good?

The styles just completely clashed and it had WAY too much time. If you hack 8-10 minutes out of this mess, it MIGHT be passable. But no, instead we get nearly 20 minutes of this mindless nonsense because everyone hated it so it must have been great.

We recap Angle vs. Benoit, which is the match that I’ve wanted to get to more than any other in Rumble history. Angle is flanked by Haas and Benjamin at this point as Team Angle. Lesnar had cost Big Show the title at Armageddon ending the month long reign of doom that Show was tormenting us with. Heyman is Angle’s manager apparently, and screwed Show out of the belt or something like that.

Lesnar is apparently banned from getting a title shot (except for at Mania of course), and he introduces Team Angle (Benjamin and Haas) as his insurance. Benoit beats Big Show to get the title shot with all kinds of sick counters. This was just shy of a dream match as both guys were probably at their best level ever as far as in ring abilities. Think about that for a second.

Smackdown World Title: Chris Benoit vs. Kurt Angle

This is Angle’s first title defense apparently. Team Angle tries to jump Benoit and get thrown out. Naturally this is more or less a chess match to start. It’s like a feeling out process at 80 miles an hour as it’s nothing but counters and reversals that no one else could pull off. Cole manages to get the word scuttlebutt in. That’s impressive. Angle might be faking a knee injury here but we’re not sure.

Benoit keeps going for a Sharpshooter, showing of course great psychology as Angle’s knee is hurt. Did you expect anything else from him? The fans are clearly more into this as they’re popping at the right times and while they’re no on their feet or anything, you can just feel that they’re interested in this match. A key thing to notice early in the match: no one is getting a long term advantage.

Benoit is in control for the most part, but Angle is getting in little spurts of offense, which shows that he’s still in this. Benoit an AWESOME move as they’re fighting on the apron and Benoit hooks a DDT onto the apron and lands on his feet on the floor. It looked sick. The headbutt misses though and we’re back to Angle being in control. See how that’s better than what Steiner and HHH did?

Benoit takes over again a few seconds later, but Angle took over just for a bit. It keeps things interesting because at some point, Angle is going to get the advantage and keep it for awhile, unlike Steiner who dominated about 80% of the match earlier. Benoit gets the Sharpshooter and the crowd pops for it. That’s a great sign. Angle gets the ropes though and it’s becoming clear to me why the crowd isn’t that into most of what’s going on: they just know it’s not ending this early.

I remember reading in one of Foley’s books where he said that in the Cell match with HHH the fans were more or less lifeless for his early covers and the times when HHH was covering him. It finally occurred to him that the fans knew that the match wasn’t going to end without them getting out of the cage and without a huge spot. And indeed, they broke the cage open and the crowd lost it. Angle hits a beautiful belly to belly overhead.

It wasn’t sloppy and Benoit had to do little other than tuck his head in. Angle popped his hips and sent Benoit flying. That was great. Cole says that Angle is a member of the Grand Slam club, meaning he’s held all singles titles. Can Cole ever just get something right? Angle launches another belly to belly, but notice a few things: he did something different in between, and he’s up and ready to do something else afterwards.

There’s why this is fine and what Steiner did wasn’t. Angle throws one and pops up to fight some more. Steiner does it and then does it again and again. It’s just stupid looking. Angle hooks a rear naked choke, which is just an odd name if there’s ever been one.

The key to it not being boring though is Benoit keeps fighting to try to get out of it. That’s keeping something going in there during the boring part of the match, which keeps the fans at least somewhat into it. They’re hanging on by a thread but it’s better than having to completely reset everything and start from scratch. It’s little things like that which keeps a match better than others.

All of a sudden Benoit just cranks it up and suplexes the heck out of Angle. The fans respond to it as this is a textbook example of a slow build. They started really slowly and built the intensity slowly and the crowd was with them every step of the way. They’ve got the crowd completely into this and that’s how it’s done. See what cardio can do for your match? Benoit gets the Crossface and everyone in view of the camera jumps to their feet and the flashbulbs go off. That’s how you do it.

In case you can’t tell, I’m loving this match. Angle gets the ropes so Benoit puts the ankle lock on him. Angle reverses into his own ankle lock and we go into an insane series of counters that Benoit gets the Crossface again from. You can tell they’re thinking every step of the way here and have a lot of this mapped out.

On the third Crossface attempt, which very oddly is on the right arm instead of the left (go back and find me ten instances in history of a guy working on the right arm. I doubt they exist.), Angle gets an Angle Slam out of nowhere for a long two. The fans are all over this. It’s not so much an excited thing but rather in awe of what they’re seeing. Angle goes Olympic by pulling the straps down and the ankle lock goes on again.

Naturally it’s countered into a complicated technical move that Benoit hooks a rollup with. You can tell the fans are way into this as they pop huge for every cover or submission attempt. That’s a very good thing when they realize that it doesn’t take a finisher to end a match. Benoit throws another German so hard that Angle lands on his face. That’s impressive. Cole and Tazz try to figure out who has the momentum at various times. That’s saying a lot.

Benoit gets the headbutt from the top onto the back of Angle’s head which must hurt. Angle gets control again and sets for a powerbomb but falls backwards to send Benoit’s head into the top turnbuckle. Another Angle Slam gets two as the fans have no clue who to cheer for. Benoit gets his FIFTH Crossface of the match.

Again, the difference here: the fans are responding to this because the guys are clearly working their heads off out there while Steiner and HHH had no clue what they were doing. Angle somehow rolls over and grabs Benoit’s ankle. I have no idea what to call what he just did, but more or less he rolled backwards onto Benoit and got the arms free to grab the ankle. In case you can’t tell, THIS MATCH IS FREAKING AMAZING.

Benoit counters AGAIN and Angle just goes off. He grabs the ankle and cranks on it. Benoit tries to get out but Angle holds on and gets the leg lock. Benoit is in agony and finally tape, more out of frustration than pain though. That’s a nice little touch there as it makes Benoit look like he got caught rather than defeated. Angle is carried off by Haas and Benjamin.

Rating: A+. This was just flat out awesome stuff on about 1,000 different levels. Considering what happened before this match as in the Steiner HHH mess, this was that much better. This right here is proof that at the end of the day, two guys that are technically sound can go out there and just be awesome. You don’t need to weigh 275 and be able to bench press 500lbs to have a good match or be a star.

These two stole the freaking year out there. After a very random Anthology ad, (oddly enough on some versions it’s Anthology (which was a WWE music compilation of songs from over the years, meaning this was epic to old school fans) on some versions and Rebellion on some others. That’s incredibly peculiar) we go back to the arena where the fans give Benoit a standing ovation as he leaves.

And that means it’s time for a rant. This is a prime example of why HHH is such a hated man in the business. What do I mean by that? Well let’s take a look. HHH vs. Steiner got absolutely booed out of the building. I mean they were getting heat the likes of which you just don’t see anywhere else. Angle keeps the title and was destined to go on to Mania to face Brock.

It’s fairly clear right now that Benoit is ready to be a world champion. He’s got everything he needs and the fans are totally behind him. He wouldn’t get the belt for another 15 months. HHH would hold onto his title until SEPTEMBER when he dropped it to Goldberg. He got it back three months later and finally lost it to Benoit in a triple threat match at Mania 20.

Yes HHH tapped to him, but he made sure that Shawn was there too so that he could say he didn’t lose cleanly, even though he lost cleanly. He beat Booker in a throwaway match at Mania while Benoit was teaming with Rhyno of all people and losing a tag title match on the same show. He would go on to feud with the FBI and Cena before the US Title came back.

Yeah the IC and US Titles were retired for about a year in some stupid idea Vince had that there should be one champion per brand. I’ll stand by my theory that HHH was behind it because the midcard was great at the time and he wanted to make sure no one on Raw stole the show again. Anyway, Benoit somehow got even hotter around the fall and they FINALLY pushed him to the title at Mania.

However, what does HHH do after Benoit wins the title? He feuds with his old buddy Shawn Michaels, leading to a Hell in a Cell match which AGAIN overshadows Benoit’s title match. HHH gets the next PPV title shot and AGAIN there’s interference in the end. Benoit wins, but he still doesn’t pin HHH clean. The next PPV was Summerslam where Benoit lost the title and HHH won it a month later.

In other words, Benoit was kept from going up to the main event scene where he belonged in 2003 and then in 2004, HHH made sure the spotlight was at least partially on him and that Benoit, who was and always will be the better wrestler, was made to look like a second tier player, even though he was world champion. While Benoit was having matches with the FBI and Cena who he was making to look like a star, HHH was having matches with Goldberg, Steiner and Nash.

The fans hated him, but he kept the belt all summer long because there clearly was no other option. Yeah go ahead HHH defenders: tell me he had nothing to do with it. I want to see you try to defend him here.

RVD and Kane, still in his mask, say they’ll do whatever they need to in order to win.

Royal Rumble

The intervals are two minutes this year. Shawn is #1 and Jericho is #2, both of which we knew coming into this. Ross changes the intervals to 90 seconds. Well ok then. It amuses me that Jericho has changed everything about himself yet he keeps his music. Not sure why but that amuses me. Anyway, Christian does Jericho’s entrance as Jericho sneaks through the crowd and gets Shawn with a low blow.

Jericho beats on Shawn for awhile and then repeats it with a chair to bust Shawn open. Oh dang it’s a good one too. Christopher Nowitski, more commonly known as the Harvard guy, is 3rd. He could have been a decent midcard heel if he hadn’t gotten hurt. It’s still good to have a Harvard grad on your payroll though. Jericho puts Shawn out with relative ease after he was beaten on so badly. Mysterio, who was just past being a rookie at this point, is 4th.

His knees weren’t a mess at this point so he’s still the best high flying wrestler of all time. For some reason Ross and Lawler are calling the whole match. That’s yet another way of saying to Smackdown that you’re the second show and that’s all there is to it. Chris is just now getting in the ring as Edge gets a great pop as a face at number 5.

Edge was on the verge of busting through the glass ceiling and becoming a main event star but a neck injury would put him out less than a month later and he would be out for about 14 months. He and Rey have a kind of non match as they don’t really do much to each other. The heels are both on the floor but not out. Christian is 6th with his absolutely awesome entrance.

He hugs Edge who looks at him like he’s crazy. Yeah he gets speared. Nowitski thinks he puts out both Edge and Rey but they go up for a double dropkick. Rey’s hits, but Edge’s misses and his leg lands right on Chris’ face and it looks awful. The referee has to check to make sure he can continue if that tells you anything. Rey hits the dumbest move of all time with the Bronco Buster before Chavo is 7th. That MIGHT have been a minute.

He and Rey do an awesome sequence to set up a 619. Christian takes one also. A hurricanrana puts Nowitski out and then Jericho puts Rey out. We have Jericho, Edge, Chavo and Christian in there now and they’re joined by Tajiri. In other words the most only American wrestler in there is a guy that is billed as the Mexican Warrior. Tajiri puts one of the sickest looking submissions I’ve ever seen on Chavo as he’s more or less using a rack but instead of over his neck it’s over his back. It looked great.

Bill DeMott, more commonly known as Hugh Morrus, is 9th. He was a Tough Enough trainer not long before this and apparently he’s gone insane because of it. I guess that makes sense in some wrestling logic. Tenth is Dreamer as we’re needing someone to get rid of some of these jobbers.

Dreamer of course brings in weapons. He and Edge beat the living tar out of DeMott and knock out him. Jericho and Christian get together with trash can lids and put Dreamer out. We’re back to Christian, Jericho, Edge, Chavo and Tajiri. That’s a bit better I guess.

Tajiri does the stupidest thing I can think of and goes for a Tarantula on Jericho. Naturally he’s out and replaced by B2, more commonly known as Bull Buchanan. He and Cena broke up apparently so he’s just out there being himself now. Yeah he’s already out thanks to Edge. There goes Chavo via a spear by Edge to leave us with three Canadians. Make that one Canadian as Jericho skins the cat and gets back in to put out Edge and Christian at the same time.

That’s pretty impressive. Jericho is on his own now until RVD comes out to a huge ovation at 11th. Yeah we have Shawn, Jericho, Edge, Christian, RVD, Tajiri and others but there’s zero point to having an IC or US Title. Starting to see why this is considered one of the darkest ages in wrestling history? After about a minute Matt Hardy is 12th.

Tonight’s Mattitude facts are that Matt strongly dislikes mustard and apparently that’s all we get tonight. Yeah there’s ZERO point for a midcard title on either brand. I know I can’t see anyone in here that would benefit from having one. Van Dam is just fun to watch. Jericho takes the Five Star as after maybe a minute 15 Eddie is in at 13. He has almost no hair here yet amazingly would be world champion in 13 months.

Eddie hits a frog splash on RVD but he messes up and it lands on Rob’s face for the most part. That looked painful. Matt is the only person up as he jumps Eddie, and Jeff is in at 15. He offers a truce and Jeff goes after him. Dang I made another error in my counting. It’s fixed now but I keep screwing up the count. That’s uncharacteristic for me. Everyone else has been down for a LONG time, although to be fair they all took finishers.

Jeff almost puts Matt out but Shannon Moore lays on his back and puts his feet up to keep Matt in. He then gets in and lays on Matt to protect him from a Swanton, which in reality would hurt more I’d think. Rosey of 3 Minute Warning along with Rico is 16th. After MAYBE 45 seconds, Test is in at 17. Stacy is with him as we’re in the Testicles thing which was funny for about two minutes. Test beats up just about everyone as he was a monster at this point.

He lost that as Stacy denied him sex so he started carrying a Playboy with him. I wish I was making that up. John, the Doctor of Thuganomics, Cena is 18th. He wears an old school Astros jersey while rapping his way to the ring. He’s entertaining if nothing else, but the people that say he should go back to that are just idiots. Ross says two things of interest: word to your mother, and Cena is a future main event player.

His rap takes up the entire about 60 seconds before Charlie Haas is in at 19. There are WAY too many people in there right now. I’m counting 9 at the moment and I’m not going to bother listing them. Oh the heck with is: Haas, Rosey, Jericho, Jeff Hardy, Matt Hardy (I think they’re cousins or something), Van Dam, Eddie, Test and Cena. Jeff goes out to finally lighten things up a bit. Rikishi is in at 20, and apparently he’s been in more than anyone else in history.

I know at least Kane has broken that record since. He almost gives Matt and Shannon a double stinkface but thankfully it doesn’t happen. Jamal, more commonly known as Umaga, is 21st. This is being written the day after he passed away so this is deflating to say the least. Sadly enough, the first thing that happened to him is a stink face. I hate that move so much. It ticks him off if nothing else and he hammers away on Rikishi.

Kane, whose pyro will give you a freaking heart attack, is 22nd. He cleans house and chokeslams Rico, who isn’t even in the match. There goes Rosey. Shelton Benjamin who reminds me of Gunn from Angel for some reason is 23rd. The ring is WAY too full. Oh yeah: Cena is wearing long pants. It just looks completely wrong. Booker is 24th. He was on the biggest roll of his career at this point and he would wind up getting the Raw title shot at Mania.

Naturally since he was having great matches and getting huge pops, he was fed to HHH in a throwaway match. There goes Eddie thanks to HHH’s lunch. A-Train is 25th. He just destroys everyone in there. Rikishi of course gets to take him down. WHAT IS SO FREAKING SPECIAL ABOUT RIKISHI???

He’s always around and was always considered a big deal but he SUCKED. He danced and wore a thong, end of appeal to him. Shawn comes in and beats up Jericho so Test can throw him out. Well ok then. Shawn is completely wasted in the Rumble but whatever. If nothing else it set up a great match at Mania.

Maven is 26th. He actually looks like a pro now which is a plus from last year. There are about 9-10 people in there so again someone needs to come clear them out. Goldust is 27th and no one cares. He hits Shattered Dreams on Maven, which when you actually look at it is a kick to the turnbuckle but whatever. The World’s Greatest Tag Team combine to put him out.

They do the same to Booker, which is appropriate as the two of them were tag partners a few weeks before. Batista, who was something close to what Kozlov or Jackson is now is 28th. Test puts him down of all people. That’s just odd indeed. Batista puts him out though so there we go. He then puts out Rikishi so I’m happier now. Lesnar is in at 29 to a solid pop. He puts Haas and Benjamin out at the same time.

Thank goodness now we’re getting rid of some people. Matt gets an F5 to the floor. A-Train gets a SICK bicycle kick to Batista to take him down. Taker is number 30 to a huge pop. Ok so the final group is Van Dam, Cena, Jamal, Kan, A-Train, Maven, Batista, Lesnar and Taker. That’s not bad as I’ve seen worse groupings. There’s no clear cut winner but it’s pretty clear when you really look at it I think. He’s returning after Show hurt him for about the 12th time mind you.

This is still the American also. There goes Cena which is likely going to be the featured match at Mania this year. Ok so right now it’s next year but when you read this it’ll be this year. Jamal is gone which is a bad way of putting that. Maven hits a dropkick on Taker and celebrates by holding up two fingers. Taker just stands there behind him waiting. A chokeslam and Maven is out. That was hilarious to see.

A-Train hits a chokebomb to put Taker down. Why in the world did he never get a serious push? They built him as a big time monster but nothing ever happened with him. He got the IC Title I believe before this, but it’s completely forgotten in the long run. After A-Train dominates even more, Van Dam and Kane who were a team at the time get together and put him out.

In a great spot, Kane says he’ll throw Van Dam onto Batista, Kane picks Van Dam up and casually throws him out. That was great. The final four are Taker, Kane, Batista and Lesnar, meaning we’re going to need a mop to clean up the muscle induced orgasm that Vince had in the back. Batista and Taker go at it while Kane and Lesnar fight. So the lightest guy in there is Lesnar at 295 right? Kane takes a solid F5 and we get the showdown of Taker and Lesnar.

Taker puts him down with a decent boot. Taker wearing white socks is just amusing. He follows it up with a tombstone to Lesnar as Batista goes out next. Taker and Kane team up for all of 8 seconds as Taker dumps Kane to get us down to two. Batista comes back in with a chair but takes it in the face.

I wish more women would do that. Anyway, Lesnar sneaks up on Taker to dump him out to set up Angle vs. Lesnar at Mania 19. Taker gets back in and implies that he wants a shot if Brock gets the title back. Brock got it back and Taker eventually did get a shot, months later.

Rating: B. I’ve seen better but I’ve seen far worse. The main issue was how many people got into the ring at once. The ending was quite good as Taker and Lesnar were both legit possibilities and Kane was far from a long shot. There was a nice balance of big names and no chance guys out there too which is hard to find at times. If there was a rating between B and B+ that’s what this would get. It was fine, but it could have been a bit better. Either way, this was entertaining.

Overall Rating: B-. This was a pretty good show. It’s not great but it was certainly solid. They got the matches in the right order to say the least. Angle and Benoit made me forget the debacle of the Raw title match and then a good Rumble sent the fans home happy. It’s not a classic, but it’s certainly worth checking out I’d say, especially Angle vs. Benoit. It’s a clinic on how to work a technical match. I’ll say it’s recommended, but you’ll want a remote to fast forward over some stuff.

 

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the paperback edition of KB’s Complete 2004 Monday Night Raw Reviews (also -available as an e-book) from Amazon. Check out the information here:

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And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

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Slumber Party Massacre
Date: April 4, 2019
Location: White Eagle Hall, Jersey City, New Jersey
Commentators: Matt Wadsworth, The Duke

Who can’t do four full shows in one day anymore? This is another Wrestlemania weekend show and another situation where I have no idea what to expect as I don’t follow Absolute Intense Wrestling. Here’s pretty much everything you need to know: the main event is Scott Steiner vs. Swoggle. We good? Let’s get to it.

No opening sequence, though it might have been cut off.

La Familia de Tijuana vs. Young Studs

Mexican Death Match. La Familia is Bestia 666/Damien 666 and the Studs are Bobby Beverly/Eric Ryan. There are a bunch of forks thrown into the ring and it’s time to go for blood early. I’m thinking I’ve made a mistake with this show. The blood is already flowing from Beverly’s head and it’s time to choke with belts. Ryan gets a chair wrapped around his neck and Damien sends it into the post. Eric is right back with a barbed wire bat to draw blood of his own and it’s time for some doors (they don’t use tables).

A chair gets rammed between Ryan’s legs, followed by the barbed wire being put against his head for some headbutts from Bestia. The Studs’ offense gets them nowhere and it’s a double MuscleBuster for two on Beverly. Ryan throws a chair at Damien to finally get somewhere and Beverly Japanese armdrags Ryan into both of them in the corner. And now, a door covered in forks. That takes a bit too long though and Damien hits a Death Valley Driver to put Ryan through the fork filled door for the pin at 9:34.

Rating: D. Oh yeah I’m not going to be liking this one very much as it’s seemingly trying to be ECW. There was no story mentioned here and it was just four people doing violent stuff to each other. Some of the spots were gruesome enough but there’s only so much you can get out of something like this.

Post match they shake hands and Ryan stabs himself in the head with a fork to a positive reaction.

Dominic Garrini vs. Joshua Bishop

Submission/surrender match. Garrini was on a show earlier today and Bishop (with manager Wes Barker) looks like a cross between Raven and Justin Credible. Garrini doesn’t waste time in kneeing Bishop outside for a double suicide dive. They chop it out as commentary says they don’t quite know why these two hate each other. Well at least they don’t like each other.

Bishop’s kick is caught and Garrini rams the ankle into the post for an F*** NO answer to a question of if he gives up. Bishop gets in a few shots to the ribs and it’s time for railroad spikes with both guys jabbing each other in the head over and over. The bloody Garrini goes for a choke but Barker hits him with a chair. That earns Barker a piledriver on the apron but Bishop chairs Garrini down to take over again.

Another door is set up between some chairs and Bishop powerbombs him through the door and the chairs. Back in and Garrini is alive enough to piledrive Bishop onto a chair for the NO so Garrini hits him with whatever he can find, including a tack covered bat to the face. Some wooden skewers are brought in but Bishop takes them away and drives it into Garrini’s cauliflower ear.

Bishop brings in a bag of tacks but gets front suplexed onto them, setting up a backsplash to make it even worse. Garrini drives the skewers into his head (and they hang there) until Bishop drops him onto the tacks for another no. With nothing else working, Bishop handcuffs Garrini around the post and gets some lighter fluid from Barker. The threat of fire makes Garrini give up at 11:25.

Rating: D+. Well that was sick. It had more of a story than the first match but I have a feeling we’re in for a lot of these matches tonight, albeit with a much more technical match thrown in so they can call themselves a wrestling company. I’m not a fan of this kind of insane stuff and it feels out of the 90s more than anything else.

The students come in to clear out the ring as Garrini is unhooked.

Tag Team Titles: To Infinity and Beyond vs. The Production vs. The Boys From Jollyville vs. The Philly Marino Experience

To Infinity and Beyond (Cheech and Colin Delaney) are defending and I have no idea who anyone else are. The Boys From Jolly (T-Money/Nasty Russ Myers) are also known as the Jollyville F***-Its, the Experience (Philly Collins and Marino Tenaglia seemingly the most popular team here) dance a lot and the Production (Derek Director and Eddie Only) seem like they make movies. Marino dives off the top on the champs and it’s T Money spinning Collins around so Myers can punch him in the face.

The Production’s manager Danhauser comes in and helps beat up Experience, who pops up for some double teaming. The champs come back in and clear the ring setting up a suicide dive from Cheech. Not to be outdone, Myers moonsaults onto everyone but gets caught. Philly goes up as well and moonsaults the pile down.

Sunset Dreams hits Colin for two with the Production diving in for the save. The huge Money Pounces Derek to the floor and busts up Philly’s spine. Russ mostly misses a moonsault for no cover on Derek, leaving Money to dive on everyone. Myers hits a top rope splash on Eddie Only (Derek’s partner) but Colin makes a save with a bad Stunner. Back up and it’s a Codebreaker/hanging DDT to the Producers at the same time. Another Codebreaker to Derek, with Cheech holding him in place for a superbomb from Colin, driving Eddie onto Derek for the pin at 6:58.

Rating: C-. It was certainly fast paced, though again I have no idea who most of these people are, who I’m supposed to cheer for (apparently not the guy in a Toy Story jacket) but that’s not what matters in something like this. A place like AIW is all about cramming in as much stuff as you can into the time you have and not worrying about any kind of flow or storytelling. I get the idea and this was the best thing so far, but it’s much more exciting than good, which can get old after awhile.

Post match the champs tell the fans to shut up and yell about any REAL teams who want to come see them in Cleveland. In other words, this is the only real wrestling.

Eddie Kingston vs. Shinjiro Otani

Otani is a Japanese legend, making me wonder if he got lost coming here. Kingston gets taken down by the arm to start and Otani slaps on a headlock that Eddie can’t break. They go with the loud chop off with Eddie being knocked down into the corner for a very delayed Facewash. A Broski Boot makes it even worse and Otani does it again, kicking his young boys down in the process. It works so well that Otani does it again….and then a third time.

It’s finally enough for two before Eddie gets up and starts in on the knee. Otani’s chops are cut off by another kick to the leg and we hit a half crab. After the grab of a rope gets Otani out, Eddie kicks the leg out all over again, setting up the spinning Backfist to the Future for two. Otani is right back up with a legsweep and a German suplex into a lariat for the pin at 9:47.

Rating: C. Well that was better than I expected, which has nothing to do with the match being an actual wrestling match instead of some violent brawl. Otani is a cool get for the show as he was wrestling all the way back in 1992 (and at Starrcade 1995) so it was cool to see something like this. Not a great match (Otani’s leg being fine out of nowhere was a stretch) but after everything else, I’ll take what I can get.

Post match Kingston praises Otani in Japanese.

Swoggle vs. Scott Steiner

Duke has been replaced on commentary by Colin Delaney. Steiner comes out but says cut his music, because he has some special music for this match. That would be….Short People by Randy Newman. Swoggle flips him off as Steiner conducts the crowd in a funny bit. Steiner swears a lot and rants about being politically correct before ripping into Swoggle with a variety of names that would be censored elsewhere.

He’s too good to face Swoggle here so Steiner has brought in his own short guy: Cabana Man Dan, who hits Swoggle with a flip flop. The German suplexes have Dan in trouble and Swoggle makes him tap to the Recliner. A woman who came out with Steiner gets in the ring so Swoggle kisses her, drawing Steiner in to blast him and get things going. Steiner sends him outside but Swoggle finds a beer to spit in Steiner’s face.

That just earns him a chair to the back and one near the head. Steiner swears a lot and hits him with another chair but it’s Dan’s turn to go inside. Dan spanks Swoggle with the flip flop….and Steiner beats Dan up too. Some belly to belly suplexes send Dan outside but Swoggle is up with a double middle finger. That means a Steiner Line and a belly to belly for two with Steiner pulling him up.

Chair shots to the knee keep Swoggle down and it’s another belly to belly for another two. The fans go into a SHONEY’S SUCKS chant (Steiner owns a Shoney’s restaurant) as Steiner goes to the middle rope. Swoggle tries to raise his foot up but Steiner catches it because…oh you get the joke. Sweet Shin Music sets up a high crossbody and some hip attacks in the corner. Steiner is right back with a Downward Spiral to set up the Recliner for the win at 6:56.

Rating: B. Well what else were you expecting here? I’ll give them some major, major points for actually making this something other than straight comedy and not having Swoggle win for the sake of a feel good moment. This was much more entertaining than it had any right to be (consider who was in there for a second) and I had a good time with it. Well done for a match that should have been an even bigger joke.

Maxwell Jacob Friedman/Ethan Page vs. Colt Cabana/Space Monkey

I know these people! You knew Cabana would be all over this weekend and that’s not a bad thing. Hang on a second as Page says Cabana needs to let his son be his (as in Page’s) partner. Cabana says deal so here’s….MJF for the match in I’m guessing an angle that they’re not bothering to explain. The fans sing YOU ARE MY SUNSHINE, presumably at Friedman, again in something that isn’t explained here.

Page and Friedman argue over who the captain is until Cabana sends his son to his room. Monkey and Page start with Ethan having nothing of an early waistlock. An Iconoclasm is countered into an ankle scissors and a basement dropkick to the back. Cabana comes in (by tagging Monkey’s tail) and gets to face Friedman and they both try the same spots. MJF: “OK! YOU’RE MY DAD! F*** OFF!” Cabana spanks him and does the same to Page…and then Monkey as well.

Monkey shrugs it off and starts cleaning house but Page breaks up the monkey flip. A delayed vertical suplex drops Monkey and it’s off to MJF to stand on the tail. And now, just because, a tail lock. Monkey isn’t having that and it’s off to Cabana for elbows and a spinning spinebuster. MJF jumps on Cabana’s back and rants about Cabana being his father but gets taken down into the Billy Goat’s Curse for the tap at 7:45.

Rating: D+. I shouldn’t be left with a confused look on my face after a match but that’s what we had here. They could have explained the story here but that’s not as important as yelling laughing at Colt’s shtick. The joke seemed funny, but when you’re stuck trying to figure out what’s going on, it doesn’t exactly have the same impact.

Mance Warner vs. Nick Gage

Dang it this wasn’t on the card so it’s an extra match. Warner comes out to Simple Man, making him more awesome than usual. It’s just a cover but a heck of a well done one for a great entrance. Gage gets a hero’s welcome here and they go right with the fighting as this isn’t going to be anything but violence. Both guys get rammed into various things and it’s a chair across Gage’s back.

They fight up to the stage and trade shots to the face until Warner gets thrown off the stage. Gage bites the head and brings Warner and a chair back in but takes a running knee to the head for two. A bulldog onto Cage’s arm onto the chair keeps Gage in trouble but Warner takes too long on the lariat, allowing Gage to DDT him onto a chair. There’s the chokebreaker and a Broski Boot to drive a chair into Warner’s face. Warner’s manager Duke comes in and chairs Warner by mistake, earning a chair shot from Gage. Colin: “See Duke? Now you’re a dead person.”

Gage bridges another door between two chairs but gets chokeshoved off the middle rope through said door for two. A piece of the door hits Warner in the head but he pops up with a pair of lariats for two more. Gage is right back with back to back piledrivers onto a door into a powerbomb for the pin at 11:39.

Rating: C-. The lack of blood helped this a lot as it was more about two hardcore guys hitting each other. I never need to see another weapon shot to the head again and Gage isn’t a wrestler, but that’s not the point of something like this. I’ve really enjoyed what I’ve seen and heard from Warner though and it helped having him here a lot.

Post match Gage thanks the fans and promises to quit when the people stop cheering him, throwing in a small ton of F bombs along the way.

Absolute Title: Pretty Boy Smooth vs. Tim Donst vs. Matthew Justice vs. Tom Lawlor

Smooth is defending and Justice’s Intense Title isn’t on the line. Lawlor has never been pinned in singles competition and dances around the ring for a rather different presentation than you get in MLW. Lawlor is introduced as the 2005 Bob Evans pie eating champion. Smooth is a giant and probably stands about 6’8/9. Everyone goes after Smooth to start but he’s right back up and throws everyone around without much trouble.

Lawlor takes him down and grabs a Figure Four but throws in an ankle lock on Justice for a bonus. Donst makes the save before using Lawlor as a launchpad for an elbow on Smooth. Justice is back up with the suicide dives, plus a running elbow off the apron to send Lawlor into some chairs. Lawlor is right back up and chops it out with Justice, who gets the better of it. A big dive onto the floor takes out everyone for the major crash.

Back in and Justice gets crotched on top, setting up a heck of a superplex. Donst isn’t done and suplexes Justice into the other two for a near fall. Everyone gets a suplex from Donst, who collapses after throwing everyone. Justice is up first and goes Coast to Coast to hit Lawlor, who is then backdropped onto Justice and Smooth. Back in and it’s a series of rollups for two each before it’s a four way slugout from their knees. Donst’s Drunken Driver (Jay Driller) gets two on Justice as this just keeps going.

Smooth’s Call the Coroner chokebomb gets two on Lawlor so it’s time to throw in a bunch of chairs. Six of them are set up in a row but it’s Donst coming in and laying out Smooth. An STO plants Lawlor and a Drunken Driver through the chairs gets two more. The Rings of Saturn (Donst is billed as a mat wrestler and this is some of the first mat wrestling I’ve seen) go on and Justice’s chair shots can’t break it up. A third finally does it and Lawlor is up again, this time grabbing a choke on Smooth for the knockout win at 18:36.

Rating: D+. This was long and came at the end of a long night so it was kind of a chore to sit through. I have no idea why these people are fighting and that has been a problem all night long. Lawlor winning seems to be the smartest move as he’s the only one with any kind of a story. There were some good spots here but for the most part it just went on too long and had WAY too many kickouts.

Post match Lawlor thanks the company for giving him a chance about two years ago. The fans don’t really want to hear this and boo rather loudly. A year ago, he broke his arm in this company and rushed back but didn’t get a title shot. He got it tonight and showed AIW that he’s the best. Lawlor has a beer to end the night.

Overall Rating: D. I think the term “not for me” applies here as I wasn’t into almost any of this. It felt like an ECW knockoff (not all night, but for a lot of it) and that’s not something I was interested in with the ECW talent, let alone a place like this. It was FAR from the worst show I’ve ever seen but I had no idea what the stories were and since the announcers didn’t bother to tell me, you can only really go off of the product itself. That wasn’t very good either and the show felt very long. Not a disaster, but also certainly not worth as much as the WrestleCon Supershow or WXW. I likely won’t be back.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the paperback edition of KB’s Complete 2000 Monday Nitro and Thunder Reviews Part 1 (also available as an e-book) from Amazon. Check out the information here:

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Royal Rumble 2003
Date: January 19, 2003
Location: Fleet Center, Boston, Massachusetts
Attendance: 15,338
Commentators: Michael Cole, Tazz, Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

This is a really odd entry in the series as the namesake match is being treated as secondary to almost everything else. Really, coming into this show, there’s a good argument to be made that Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie is being treated as a bigger deal than the Rumble itself. Let’s get to it.

The opening video is your standard montage of wrestlers talking about what it means to go to Wrestlemania because the road starts tonight.

Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar

The winner is in the Rumble and the loser is out in the cold. They do the customary exchange of shoves to start with the fans almost entirely behind Lesnar. Brock drives him into the corner to little avail but the belly to belly works a bit better. A second works just as well but the third is countered with a scary toss over the top. Back in and we hit the choke, which you can tell is serious because Cole starts talking about Show’s shoe size.

Brock comes right back with the release German suplex but Heyman offers a distraction to break things up. A big boot and side slam drop Lesnar for all of ten seconds before he’s back up with an other belly to belly. Cue Heyman but he gets caught in an F5 attempt, only to have Show make the save with a chokeslam for two. A second attempt is countered into a sloppy F5 to send Lesnar to the Rumble.

Rating: D+. It was short (less than seven minutes) and had the only possible ending (it’s not like there are many other potential Rumble winners) so it’s hard to complain that much. The F5 didn’t look great but it was how the match should have ended. This probably needs to be about it for Big Show as a main event guy but you know that’s not going to be the case, which is part of the problem on Smackdown.

Chris Jericho is ready to win the Rumble and gets his World Title back at Wrestlemania.

Raw Tag Team Titles: Dudley Boyz vs. William Regal/Lance Storm

Regal and Storm are defending. Bubba punches Storm in the corner to start and hits something like a spinebuster. To really mix things up, Bubba grabs a leglock for a few seconds before handing it off to D-Von. Regal comes in and gets punched as well as this isn’t exactly shaking the feeling that it’s a glorified Raw match. The champs take over on D-Von with Storm drop toeholding him down into a sliding knee from Regal (nice spot).

We hit the cravate for a bit and a chinlock keeps D-Von in trouble. That doesn’t last long either though as D-Von fights up and makes the hot tag to Bubba for the house cleaning. Regal takes What’s Up but here’s Chief Morely for a distraction to prevent the 3D. It doesn’t quite work so well though as D-Von uses the distraction to grab Regal’s brass knuckles and knock Storm silly for the pin and the titles. Lawler: “I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.” He’s confused enough to refer to Regal as Steve.

Rating: C-. This was just a Raw match with a title change and considering Booker T. and Goldust never even got a rematch after losing the titles, I have no idea what the thinking here is. Were Booker and Goldust really that bad of a team? I know it’s a sin to get over without the company swearing off on it but it’s some of the oddest booking of the year.

House show ads. They didn’t edit this off the Network? I like having the complete versions but it’s a strange choice to keep in.

Nathan Jones vignette.

We get a long recap of the Al Wilson Saga, which still doesn’t make much sense and went on WAY too long if this is their big idea. Basically Dawn Marie decided she wanted to destroy Torrie Wilson’s life (I think?) by marrying Torrie’s father. She eventually went through with it but had so much, ahem, fun with Al on their honeymoon that he died.

Dawn blames Torrie for this and the match is on, even though it was booked before Al died. If this was all some big con by Dawn, what does she get out of it? Getting a match with Torrie? She seems upset and we haven’t gotten any scene of Dawn saying it was all made up so I guess we’re supposed to take it at face value. I know I harp on this a lot but I still don’t get how this was supposed to work.

Dawn Marie vs. Torrie Wilson

Dawn is in regular ring gear and a black veil, which makes her look more like Jimmy Jack Funk (from the neck up) than anything else. Dawn elbows her in the face at the bell but Torrie takes her down as well as these two are going to be able to do. Torrie gets caught in a Fujiwara armbar as the announcers cover the story in detail. Well the recent part at least as basically everything after Armageddon has been forgotten at this point.

Dawn stays on the arm (that’ll teach Torrie for killing Dawn’s husband) and grabs a flapjack. They collide in a bad looking spot and the boring chants begin. Dawn actually hits a decent looking middle rope spinning clothesline, only to fall victim to that horrible swinging neckbreaker to give Torrie the pin.

Rating: F. Really, what else were you expecting here? The feud was as soap opera level as you’re going to have and the wrestlers are both models and little more. Somehow that’s about as much as you could have thought these two would do and hopefully it wraps up the story for good. I know it won’t but it would be nice.

Eric Bischoff and Stephanie McMahon run into each other in the back with Stephanie being smug about Eric’s thirty days to fix Raw deal. Eric asks if her job is safe too but she doesn’t seem worried, partially because she has her own surprise for Raw. As with most cases of both GM’s on screen at once, this was a big waste of time.

Sean O’Haire tells us not to go to church.

We recap Scott Steiner vs. HHH. Steiner showed up in November and was immediately shoved into the title picture but hasn’t actually had a match yet. Instead it’s been stuff like a posedown, a bench press contest (which didn’t happen), arm wrestling and a pushup contest. The idea is that Steiner can do everything HHH can and might also be completely insane. The fact that they’ve barely been allowed to get physical should be a bit worrisome but HHH wouldn’t let us down.

Raw World Title: HHH vs. Scott Steiner

Steiner is challenging and HHH is in the ultra rare red trunks. Before the bell, Hebner holds up the title and insists that he’s the law around here no matter what. Steiner wins the early slugout and chops away in the corner, followed by the gorilla press to send HHH rolling to the floor. The champ’s back is sent into the post a few times and a hard Irish whip makes his back even worse.

We hit a Boston crab for a bit with HHH crawling to the ropes a few seconds later. That’s not very noteworthy, but Steiner falling over when the hold is broken isn’t the most encouraging sign. The facebuster is no sold and we hit a quickly broken bearhug. Steiner gets in the first belly to belly for two and Flair pulls him out to the floor.

Back in and Steiner charges into a boot to the face before being sent into the steps for good measure. HHH stomps and chokes in the corner with Flair adding choking of his own. Another neckbreaker gets two for the champ and you can see how winded Steiner already is. Flair chokes on the ropes again to fill in as much time as possible before Steiner reverses the Pedigree.

Scott catapults him into the buckle and grabs the second overhead suplex….before just collapsing next to the ropes. We’re not even nine minutes into the match and the guy can’t even stand up. Steiner picks him up for what looks like a Tombstone and you would think he was about to go into labor. HHH slips out and tries a Diamond Cutter but Steiner goes backwards with it like a regular neckbreaker. After all those years of working with Diamond Dallas Page he can’t take a standard face first bump?

You can hear the crowd losing their patience with this one. Flair plays cheerleader and the fans actually cheer for HHH, who may be boring but he’s at least looking competent here. The champ dives into another overhead suplex but Steiner still can’t follow up. Some Steiner Lines set up suplexes four, five and six, followed by a spinning version for two.

Steiner tries a tiger bomb and falls down, drawing straight up booing from the fans. The announcers are trying as hard as they can to make Steiner sound like a threat here and it’s going as badly as you would expect. HHH heads up top so it’s a superplex for two more. That’s enough to send HHH and Flair up the aisle but Steiner isn’t done yet and drags them back. As lame as an ending as that would be, it was the right call at this point.

A belt shot to HHH’s head draws some blood and they continue to stagger around ringside with no idea what to do. Another belly to belly (ninth suplex total) sends HHH outside again and they brawl into the crowd because THIS MATCH JUST CAN’T END. Back in again with Steiner doing the pushups and laboring through some right hands in the corner. Now Flair tries to get the referee to stop the match but the referee keeps going because he’s that kind of evil.

Steiner hates the match as much as everyone else does so he throws Hebner outside but THAT’S NOT A DQ EITHER. The tenth suplex gets two and you can see Steiner looking desperate. HHH gets in a low blow and rolls Steiner up for two. That’s FINALLY enough for HHH as he grabs sledgehammer and hits Scott in the ribs for the DQ, earning a chorus of boos that would make Roman Reigns proud.

Rating: N. For Not HHH’s Fault. For once, this can’t be blamed on HHH, who was just stuck in a horrible situation and couldn’t do anything with it. To be fair though, no one was going to be able to get anything passable out of this mess. Steiner wasn’t ready for this match and had no business going more than five minutes, let alone eighteen. The interesting thing here though is the first eight minutes ran more than well enough. It was a boring start but it was nowhere near a disaster or even really bad. The problem is the second half of the match where EVERYTHING falls apart.

You’ll hear a lot of comparisons between this Steiner and Brock Lesnar’s Suplex City but the key is in the delivery. Lesnar suplexes the heck out of people and then pops up to do it again. Steiner was suplexing HHH here and then taking twenty seconds to get to his feet out of pure exhaustion. When you can see wrestlers go twenty minutes without even breathing hard, there’s no excuse for a main eventer nearly passing out from exhaustion in the first ten minutes. There’s a reason this is remembered so horribly and it more than lives down to its reputation.

Post match Steiner hits him with the sledgehammer and grabs the Steiner Recliner. JR: “There’s no way out of this hold.” In other words, yes they’re actually doing a rematch. Bischoff eventually comes out and gets Steiner off of HHH as the fans are so apathetic towards any of this.

We recap Chris Benoit vs. Kurt Angle. Kurt won the title with help from his new agent Paul Heyman, who also represents Big Show. Benoit beat Show to become the new #1 contender and you know this is going to be a classic no matter what. That being said, there’s not much of a secret to the fact that they’re building towards Lesnar vs. Angle at this point. At least we can have an incredible match on the way there.

Smackdown World Title: Chris Benoit vs. Kurt Angle

Angle is defending. Benoit has to deal with Team Angle to start so that’s a double ejection. Chris tries a very quick Sharpshooter (which Tazz calls a Boston crab for some reason), sending Angle outside for a breather. Back in and another leg hold sends Angle to the ropes as it seems that they have a long time here.

Benoit easily wins a battle of the chops and gets two off a clothesline to the back of the head. A DDT onto the apron makes things even worse but Angle rolls away from the Swan Dive. The Angle Slam is reversed though and we hit the Sharpshooter. Angle grabs the ropes as well as a belly to belly (after that last match, I’m surprised those weren’t banned like bar stools on Frasier) to really take over for the first time.

We hit the chinlock with a bodyscissors on Benoit for a bit before a double clothesline puts both guys down. Back up and they trade German suplexes with Benoit getting the better of it. Chris takes too long going up top though and Angle runs the corner for the belly to belly superplex. The Crossface goes on a few seconds later with Benoit switching to the ankle lock (that’s like a Bingo space in an Angle match).

Kurt’s ankle lock is reversed into the Crossface which is reversed into a rollup which is reversed right back into the Crossface. Angle gets to his feet for an Angle Slam but there’s no cover. There go the straps though and it’s back to the ankle lock. Benoit gets two off a rollup as the announcers are losing their minds (rightfully so).

Kurt is sick of this submission stuff and tries a German suplex, only to have Benoit reverse into a release version, drawing quite the round of applause. With Angle three quarters of the way across the ring, Benoit hits the best looking Swan Dive I’ve ever seen for a delayed two. Angle grabs a powerbomb but drops Benoit face first onto the buckle, followed by another Slam for two.

We’re right back to the Crossface but Angle rolls through into the ankle lock which can’t be reversed this time. Benoit kicks him away instead, only to get caught in the ankle lock again. Chris tries to pull him into the Crossface but Angle holds on and gets the grapevine to FINALLY make Benoit tap because he was beaten and he knew it.

Rating: A+. I’ve seen this match several times now and I’m still exhausted just watching it. These guys were beating the heck out of each other with everything looking anywhere from great to unbelievable (that Swan Dive in particular). This was outstanding stuff and one of the best wrestling matches I’ve ever seen. There’s also a bit of a HHH vs. Cactus Jack vibe to it with Angle being backed into a corner and having to fight, only to prove that he is indeed the better man, at least on this night. Check this out if you haven’t seen it in awhile, or just because it’s worth seeing multiple times.

After an Anthology ad, Benoit gets the big standing ovation, which probably should have sent him to a World Title shot (at least) at Wrestlemania. Instead it was a spot in a three way for the Tag Team Titles because that’s how WWE worked in 2003.

Rob Van Dam and Kane agree that it’s every man for himself tonight.

Royal Rumble

90 second intervals (though Fink says two minutes) with Shawn Michaels at #1 and Chris Jericho at #2. If nothing else, at least Shawn is starting to look like a wrestler again instead of the tiny thing he was back at Survivor Series. Actually hang on a second as it’s Christian in Jericho’s clothes instead of Chris himself. Cue Jericho from underneath the ring to hit Shawn low. One heck of a beatdown ensues with Jericho busting Shawn open with a chair as Christopher Nowinski is in at #3. He’s willing to stay on the floor while Jericho beats on Shawn some more and easily eliminates him.

Nowinski is still on the floor as Rey Mysterio is in at #4. Rey tries to speed things up and slips out of a gorilla press, only to get punched out to the apron. As usual, Jericho celebrates early and gets dropkicked into the ropes. Nowinski FINALLY gets in and it’s Edge in at #5. Outside of Nowinski, that’s quite the first four. Spears abound as Rey gets back into it and Nowinski is sent outside but not eliminated.

Jericho is sent into the post and through the ropes to the floor. Rey and Edge shake hands and go at it with Rey hitting the 619 but he gets powerbombed to put both guys down. It’s Christian in at #6 with an offer to reform the team with Edge. That earns him a spear but here’s Nowinski to throw Edge and Mysterio to the apron. Chavo Guerrero is in at #7 as the Smackdown is strong with this Rumble.

Rey and Chavo do a quick lucha sequence with the 619 setting up a springboard seated senton. Christian eats a 619 of his own, followed by a hurricanrana to get rid of Nowinski. Jericho comes back in for a hard clothesline to get rid of Mysterio and here’s Tajiri in at #8. Things settle down a bit with Chavo choking Jericho in the corner and Tajiri not being able to eliminate Christian.

Bill DeMott is in at #9 and attacks various people in short order. The fans aren’t exactly thrilled here as we’re waiting on the big name to clean out some of these names. Tommy Dreamer is in at #10 to give us Dreamer, Jericho, Edge, Christian, Chavo, Tajiri and DeMott. Dreamer brings weapons with him and Edge knocks DeMott out with a kendo stick. Jericho and Christian hit a con-trashcanlid-o on Dreamer and get rid of him without much effort. Tajiri takes them both down with a handspring elbow but the Tarantula is easily broken up, allowing Jericho to get rid of him.

B2, still with the Cena entrance theme, is in at #11…and Edge gets rid of him in less than thirty seconds. Chavo is speared out next, followed by a bloody Jericho (from a Dreamer kendo stick shot) dumping Edge and Christian to leave himself all alone. Rob Van Dam is in at #12 because Edge/Van Dam vs. Christian/Jericho was out of the question for some reason. A superkick has Jericho in trouble and he’s catapulted all the way to the apron. Matt Hardy, who strongly dislikes mustard, is in at #13 and drops Rob with a Side Effect.

Van Dam gets double teamed for a bit until he flips over Jericho and kicks Matt in the face for good measure. The Five Star hits Jericho and it’s Eddie Guerrero in at #14. We get a rehash of Eddie vs. Van Dam from last year until Matt helps Eddie set up an ugly frog splash. That earns Eddie a Twist of Fate (Eddie is smarter than that) and it’s Jeff Hardy in at #15.

Jeff doesn’t buy the reunion idea either (like anyone would buy a Hardys reunion in 2003 or beyond) and beats Matt up, only to have Shannon Moore dive onto Matt to save him from a Swanton. That’s fine with Jeff so he crushes both of them as Rosey is in at #16. Matt gets backdropped to the apron as the eliminations have slowed WAY down. Test is in at #17 and gets to clean house a bit without eliminating anyone. You know, because Rosey needs to stick around.

A rapping John Cena is in at #18 giving reasons why he’s going to win this. The camera stays on him and for once it’s not the biggest problem as nothing is going on in the ring. Van Dam beats him up on the floor (maybe for wrestling in jeans instead of jean shorts for a change) and it’s Charlie Haas in at #19. Where are Lesnar and Undertaker to clear these people out? Jeff tries to run up the corner so Rob eliminates him, still leaving us with far too many people.

Rikishi is in at #20, giving us Rikishi, Jericho, Rob Van Dam, Matt Hardy, Eddie Guerrero, Rosey, Test, Cena and Haas. Rosey and Rikishi have a weird family reunion as Shannon comes in to protect Matt. That just earns him a double Stinkface, or at least it would have if Rosey hadn’t clotheslined Rikishi instead. Jamal is in at #21 to superkick Rikishi, who pops right back up with a Stinkface for his…..brother I believe.

Kane is in at #22 to clean house but he brings Rico in with a chokeslam to fill the ring up even more. Rosey is tossed in a hurry and it’s a double chokeslam for Matt and Shannon. Shelton Benjamin is in at #23 as the ring is WAY too full with eleven people in there, plus Shannon and Rico at various times. They all fight near the ropes and it’s Booker T. in at #24. We go to a weird closeup for an ax kick on Kane and there’s the Spinarooni. Eddie gets backdropped out and it’s A-Train in at #25.

A good looking A-Train Bomb (chokebomb) plants Cena and another one hits Van Dam but Rikishi superkicks A-Train in the face. Jericho is sent to the apron AGAIN but here’s a bandaged Shawn to go after Jericho, allowing Test to knock him out. Shawn stays on Jericho and that’s a Wrestlemania match. Maven is in at #26 (because this match needed two Tough Enough names) and goes after Kane as things slow down again. Goldust is in at #27 and doesn’t even last a minute before Team Angle puts him out. They do the same to Booker T. a few seconds later, making sure that the Booker T./Goldust team is swiftly beaten again.

Batista is in at #28 and gets rid of Test (after EIGHTEEN MINUTES, or longer than Edge and Mysterio combined) and Rikishi. Brock Lesnar is in at #29 and becomes the most obvious winner since….well last year with HHH actually. He wastes no time in getting rid of Team Angle before throwing Matt onto both of them. Now that’s how you clear out some bodies. Undertaker is in at #30 to give us a final group of Undertaker, Van Dam, Cena, Jamal, Kane, A-Train, Maven, Batista and Lesnar. Not the worst field actually.

Undertaker dumps Cena (Which could have set up a heck of a Wrestlemania match today but we wanted a reality show moment instead. Yes you did want that and Kevin Dunn told me so.) and Jamal (Why was he still there?) before Maven hits the same dropkick as last year. This time there’s no effect though, making Maven’s celebration a bit amusing.

After Maven is launched out, A-Train hits the A-Train Bomb on Undertaker. Van Dam and Kane get rid of A-Train and we’re down to five. Kane loads up Rob in a gorilla press….and throws him out in a smart move (not a heel turn). Batista and Kane are put down with a double clothesline and it’s time for Lesnar vs. Undertaker.

That’s broken up before anything can happen though and the Brothers of Destruction start taking over. Brock takes care of Batista and Kane so we can have the Undertaker showdown. The F5 is countered and Brock takes a Tombstone, followed by Undertaker dumping Batista and Kane. Batista comes back in and eats a chair shot, leaving Brock to eliminate Undertaker for the win.

Rating: B. There was a REALLY bad dead spot in the middle and some of the choices were all over the place (Test, Jamal and Rikishi all getting over fourteen minutes while Los Guerreros, Edge and Mysterio were all afterthoughts) but the ending was the right call. The final four wasn’t a bad group at all and having Lesnar dump Undertaker to win is as good a move as they could have made.

There was VERY little build to this match and they did well enough with it while they could. It’s not a terrible Rumble but there are many better options. Fix the middle part and get rid of people at a faster clip and it’s a great one, but as it is it’s just pretty good. Then again, for this year that’s quite the compliment.

The big problem here though is how weak the midcard and lower card is. Maybe it’s just the way some of them were booked but aside from Lesnar, Undertaker and MAYBE Jericho, was anyone a real threat to win here? Having an obvious winner is fine but it would be nice to build up someone else as a possible winner.

Overall Rating: B-. The World Title matches cancel each other out and thankfully the Rumble is there to make up for a nothing lower card. Lesnar winning was the obvious ending here and that left the rest of the show to really carry things. Angle vs. Benoit is must see and Steiner vs. HHH may be as well if you’re into unintentional comedy. The rest of the show though…..egads there’s nothing to see there. It’s a perfectly good show but the problems are very big and the Rumble isn’t good enough to make it a classic.

Ratings Comparison

Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar

Original: D

2013 Redo: C+

2017 Redo: D+

Dudley Boyz vs. William Regal/Lance Storm

Original: C

2013 Redo: D

2017 Redo: C-

Dawn Marie vs. Torrie Wilson

Original: DD

2013 Redo: D-

2017 Redo: F

Scott Steiner vs. HHH

Original: G-

2013 Redo: H (For HHH)

2017 Redo: N (For Not HHH’s Fault)

Chris Benoit vs. Kurt Angle

Original: A+

2013 Redo: A+

2017 Redo: A+

Royal Rumble

Original: B

2013 Redo: B-

2017 Redo: B

Overall Rating

Original: B-

2013 Redo: C-

2017 Redo: B-

This is a rare instance where the original is much closer to the new ratings than the first redo. Maybe I was in a bad mood that day?

You can read the original review here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2011/01/22/royal-rumble-count-up-2003-best-match-ever/

And the 2013 redo here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2013/01/16/royal-rumble-count-up-2013-redo-2003-best-of-both-worlds-and-a-boring-rumble/

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the paperback edition of KB’s Complete 1997 Monday Night Raw Reviews (also available as an e-book) from Amazon. Check out the information here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2018/11/20/new-paperback-complete-1997-monday-night-raw-reviews/

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Monday Night Raw
Date: April 12, 1993
Location: Mid-Hudson Civic Center, Poughkeepsie, New York
Attendance: 3,500
Commentators: Vince McMahon, Randy Savage, Rob Bartlett

We’re back with the post-Wrestlemania stuff this week and that means the show almost has to be better than last time. This week’s show is headlined by Money Inc. vs. the Bushwhackers because this is one of the darkest times the show has ever seen. Hopefully it’s better this time around but I wouldn’t get my hopes up. Let’s get to it.

Money Inc. pays off the Beverly Brothers for information about the Steiner Brothers. The report: they can suplex, they’re fast and they’re strong. Oh and avoid the Frankensteiner. How did DiBiase get rich with this kind of bad investments?

Opening sequence.

IRS vs. Scott Steiner

If they’ve already changed the advertised match to something else, imagine how bad the original plans were going to be. Since it’s tax season, IRS keeps his PAY YOUR TAXES speech short this week. IRS bails straight to the ropes to get out of a hammerlock as Bartlett gets into a discussion of toothpaste being thicker than blood. A good looking powerslam plants IRS but Scott stops to yell at DiBiase and that’s enough for a breather.

Back in and Scott shoulders him down, setting up an armbar as IRS can’t keep up on the mat (Michigan beats Syracuse I guess). The announcers make tax jokes (the height of 1993 comedy) as Steiner gets two off a suplex. IRS elbows him to the floor where DiBiase gets in a clothesline as we take a break.

Back with IRS hitting a piledriver for two and the chinlock going on. And staying on for a long time actually, because that’s how you want an opener to go. IRS gets a backbreaker but takes WAY too long going up top for the jump straight into a raised boot, making it look even dumber than usual. Scott starts slugging away and even snaps IRS’ throat across the top with his tie. The tiger bomb connects but DiBiase comes in for the DQ.

Rating: D+. That chinlock really hurt things but the bigger problem is this match getting so much time. Their tag matches would be better but the singles matches don’t exactly have a spark. It’s almost like a wrestling tax man isn’t the kind of gimmick you want in a longer match. Just dull for the most part, which is quite a long time for a match getting this long.

Post match the Beverly Brothers come in for the double team but clothesline DiBiase by mistake. Shoving ensues and DiBiase wants his money back. Money Inc. goes to leave and gets jumped from behind. I guess this is a face turn, even though the Beverlies were leaving within a month at the most.

Tatanka vs. Von Krus

Von Krus is better known as Vito and is from just Germany. He spits at Tatanka’s feet to start so it’s a monkey flip and hiptoss to put him down. Cue Doink the Clown to spray water out of his umbrella as Tatanka gets poked in the eye. Some chops get Tatanka out of trouble and there’s the big jumping elbow. Krus hits an elbow of his own, this time to the jaw, followed by a headbutt. A backdrop gets Tatanka out of the already limited trouble and it’s off to the warpath, capped off by the Papoose To Go for the pin.

Rating: D. This was just barely a squash as Krus got in some offense to make the match go on a little longer than you would have guessed. Tatanka was still undefeated at this point and you would think that would lead somewhere at some point. It would still be a few months before that would be the case, but it wasn’t like he had the highest ceiling in the world.

Wrestlemania report, with both title changes being announced. Not the best idea in the world when you’re still selling the replay. Double Doink and Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez get some attention as well. You would think some of the actual good things would be mentioned here but that’s not the WWF style in 1993.

For reasons I don’t want to imagine, Bartlett gets to do an interview with Luna Vachon, who seems to scare the heck out of him. Ok fair enough. She’s the woman of the 90s and the true balance between genius and insanity. A few insults to Sherri bring her out for some yelling of her own. Luna says she’s a woman of the wild and promises to wipe Sherri across the ring like a fine Picasso.

The fight is on and clothes ripping ensues, including Bartlett’s, sending him running off. This goes on for a while with the fight heading into into the crowd until Sgt. Slaughter and Savage break it up. Post break, Luna comes back and loses more clothes (Savage: “OH YEAH!”). I want to see these two fight, which I never would have expected. Also, this is way further with the exposed skin than you usually get at this point.

Papa Shango vs. Scott Taylor

Fink calls him Skip for some reason. Taylor that is, not Shango. Some right hands and a dropkick just annoy Shango so he drops Taylor with a belly to back. A headbutt to the ribs keeps Taylor in trouble as Bartlett staggers back out and faints at commentary. Shango finishes with a shoulderbreaker.

Friar Ferguson vs. Chris Duffy

Yes he’s a wrestling monk who would go on to become Bastion Booger. Duffy gets shoved down to start and backdropped out of a piledriver attempt. Hold on though as Ferguson has to stop to pray. Duffy tries to slingshot him inside but gets tossed to the floor instead. Ferguson pulls up his robe to dance a bit and gets two off a splash, pulling up for some reason. A nerve hold continues this way too long squash. Back up and Duffy tries a sunset flip so Ferguson sits on his chest for the pin.

Rating: F. I know we talk about the Goon, Duke Droese and Aldo Montoya as the worst gimmicks of all time. Let me say this again though: HE’S A WRESTLING DANCING MONK! What in the world were the ideas that DIDN’T make air? This is one of those so terrible it’s forgotten ideas and you can see why.

Here are some fan interviews from Wrestlemania. The gist of it: shouting whatever country they’re from.

Money Inc. is ready for the Beverly Brothers next week so here are the Beverlies to jump them from behind to end the show.

Overall Rating: D-. I still can’t get over the monk thing. They’re still in the post Wrestlemania lull, which you have to expect for a few weeks. There isn’t much going on at the moment and that’s fine considering the big stars aren’t actually back yet. However, there’s a point where you have to have something actually good on the show, but that didn’t happen here.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the paperback edition of KB’s Complete 2003 Smackdown Reviews (also available as an e-book) from Amazon. Check out the information here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2018/09/07/new-book-kbs-complete-smackdown-2003-reviews/

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

https://wrestlingrumors.net/tommyhall/amazing-wendys-hamburgers-scott-steiners-numbers-dont-lie-promo/

 

Just….yep.  In every meaning of the word.

Impact Wrestling
Date: April 26, 2018
Location: Impact Zone, Orlando, Florida
Commentators: Don Callis, Josh Matthews

We’re past Redemption and that means it’s time to get ready for Slammiversary. What that means is kind of up in the air at this point but it really could go in a variety of directions. Above all else though, we have a new World Champion as Pentagon Jr. defeated Austin Aries and Fenix in a triple threat match on Sunday. Let’s get to it.

Here are the Redemption results if you need a recap.

We open with a long recap of Redemption, including results from every match.

Earlier today, Austin Aries talked to the roster and said he’s still the Grand Champion so it’s now the top title. Aries makes a bunch of excuses and Moose calls him out on them before walking out. The rest of the people leave as well. Sounds heel turnish to me.

Opening sequence.

The pay per view set is now the regular set.

Brian Cage vs. Trevor Lee

Lee drops to the floor for a meeting with Caleb Konley to start before a shoulder drops him to the floor again. Cage throws him around and shrugs off a forearm but a Konley distraction lets Lee kick him outside. Back in and a bridging German suplex gives Lee two and Konley adds in some choking. That’s enough for Cage who Hulks Up and hits a powerslam, followed by the apron superplex. The Drill Claw puts Lee away at 5:04.

Rating: D+. Cage is starting to run through some bigger names and it wouldn’t shock me if the names get bigger and bigger as we move forward. There’s a certain monster quality to him and I wouldn’t be surprised to see him near the World Title picture within the next year or so. Lee isn’t going to lose anything by getting destroyed here, but it was nice to have him get in some offense.

A livid Eddie Edwards arrived earlier today and ran into Tommy Dreamer (in a Lucha Underground shirt). Tommy told him to go be with his wife but Eddie shoved him out of the way.

Here’s Eddie in the arena to talk about putting Sami Callihan in the hospital. He’s not done though because he wants to put OVE in there right next to Sami. Cue OVE for the 2-1 fight and Eddie runs through them before grabbing the kendo stick. We cut to the hospital room where someone in a wheelchair with balloons covering his face rolls up to Alisha Edwards’ bed. It’s a very banged up Callihan, who says he wants to talk.

OH MY GOODNESS how stupid can Eddie be? A few weeks ago he sees OVE in his wife’s hotel and then LEAVES after checking on her for a few seconds. Now he leaves her IN THE SAME HOSPITAL WHERE CALLIHAN IS STAYING??? My goodness I know he’s a face in wrestling but Sting would find this dumb.

We look at Sunday’s main event.

Classic clip: the Steiner Brothers vs. Team 3D at Bound For Glory. I really wouldn’t point out that one half of your Tag Team Champions was old eleven years ago.

Video on DJZ, who is back after over a year away.

Moose vs. Braxton Sutter

Sutter’s pre-match promo is cut off by Moose’s music. Moose throws him into the corner to start and dropkicks him out to the floor in a heap. Sutter gets in a whip to send Moose into the barricade, followed by a suplex into the corner for two. That earns Sutter a running elbow and running dropkick in the corner, followed by a spear for the pin at 3:32.

Rating: D. Nearly a total squash here, which makes sense as Sutter has announced that he’s done with the promotion. It’s not like Sutter has done anything of note in the company and now that he and Su Yung seem to be done, there’s no reason to not have him go out on his back like this.

Post match the fans chant HAPPY BIRTHDAY at Moose. He wants Pentagon Jr. and the World Title.

Matt Sydal promises to retain the X-Division Title against Taiji Ishimori. A commotion is heard and we go to see someone (not clear who) unconscious with an X on their chest.

LAX wants the titles back but also want to know what’s happened to Konnan.

Knockouts Title: Taya Valkyrie vs. Allie

Allie is defending. Taya wastes no time in jumping Allie and hammering away in the corner. Allie’s comeback is cut off in very short order as Taya powers her down without much effort. A running dropkick in the corner only hits buckle and Allie is in even more trouble. Taya is all fired up but the Road to Valhalla is broken up, allowing Allie to hit the superkick and Codebreaker to retain at 4:17. That was pretty much all of her offense.

Rating: D. Nothing to this one and Taya deserved more than that in a title shot. Allie shrugged off everything Taya threw at her and won with her regular stuff in short order. The match needed more time, but then we wouldn’t have been able to plug the Steiner Brothers vs. Team 3D match and that’s WAY more important.

Post match Su Yung appears, flanked by a bunch of dead brides. They load up a casket but Rosemary appears for the showdown. The lights go out again and Su is gone.

Slammiversary is in Toronto.

KM yells at Fallah Bahh, his partner for next week. Why in the world are these two getting TV time?

Eddie goes to the hospital to see Alisha, who isn’t happy with him leaving her there. He goes into Callihan’s room and beats the heck out of him until a bunch of doctors make the save. This crazy Eddie character is actually working for me.

Video on Kongo Kong vs. Johnny Impact from last week.

Tag Team Titles: Eli Drake/Scott Steiner vs. LAX

Drake and Steiner are defending. Before the match, Steiner says he promised he’d win “last night” (which he says twice) because he’s world famous. Konnan was at Taco Bell due to a discount on burritos so we know his priorities. The champs stall on the floor for a long time before Ortiz drives Drake into the corner to start. Santana comes in for a chop of his own but gets taken outside and sent into the steps by Steiner as we take a break. Back with Steiner getting two off a belly to belly as he picks Santana up.

The fans chant for LAX but get cut off when Steiner “hits” a belly to belly superplex (not rotating enough and nearly falling backwards). It’s back to Drake (thankfully) for a chinlock as we hear that Edwards has been arrested. Well duh. Santana rolls over for a tag so Ortiz can get two off a short DDT. The Death Valley Driver gets two more on Drake but the Street Sweeper is countered into a powerslam (ala Rick Steiner back in the day) to pin Ortiz and retain the titles at 10:54.

Rating: D+. Steiner continues to be scary with some of those near botches, but at least they have a “big name” on the roster now right? Steiner does offer some star power but really, how much is he going to be able to offer without maiming someone? I can’t imagine that he’s going to be around very long but I’m still not a fan.

Post match Drake holds up the World Title briefcase and suggests that he’s cashing in right now. Actually it’s just a warning, but here’s Aries anyway. Back from a break, Aries says he’s healing from a dislocated elbow and looks at the “suitcase”. The fans chant for Aries, who says he wishes they were here on Sunday. The Grand Championship is what matters now but he’ll get the World Title back soon enough.

Drake wants to fight Pentagon, Aries and the Easter Bunny because it means he’s getting the title back. Cue Pentagon Jr. to say CERO MIEDO (zero fear) but Steiner and Drake beat down Pentagon and Aries. They fight back and clear the champs out of the ring, leaving Aries and Pentagon to stare each other down to end the show.

Overall Rating: D. I wasn’t feeling this one, as there wasn’t a lot in the vein of storyline advancement and the wrestling was nothing of note. Allie and Rosemary continue to be an interesting team but really, there’s not much else to go on here. That being said, they have a ton of time to get ready for the next pay per view so it’s not like this needed to be incredible. Not the worst, but nothing that pulled me in.

Results

Brian Cage b. Trevor Lee – Drill Claw

Moose b. Braxton Sutter – Spear

Allie b. Taya Valkyrie – Codebreaker

Eli Drake/Scott Steiner b. LAX – Powerslam to Ortiz

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the paperback edition of the WWE Grab Bag (also available as an e-book) from Amazon. Check out the information here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2018/03/23/new-paperback-kbs-grab-bag/

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

Redemption 2018
Date: April 22, 2018
Location: Impact Zone, Orlando, Florida
Commentators: Josh Matthews, Don Callis

It’s the first pay per view in nearly six months (Not counting the nothing One Night Only shows because….well who does really?) and the main event as changed about ten days ago due to Alberto El Patron having high levels of Alberto El Patron. Now it’s Austin Aries defending the World Title against Pentagon Jr. and Fenix in a rematch from Impact Wrestling vs. Lucha Underground. Let’s get to it.

Here’s the go home show if you need a recap.

The opening video is what you would expect: wrestlers wanting to be redeemed, which means winning matches in their feuds.

There’s a new set (an elevated video screen with vertical rectangular metal structures on both sides) and it looks….I guess better. There will be new belts tonight as well.

Drago vs. Aerostar

Not a bad idea to start with what should be the most entertaining match on the card. Drago goes for the arm to start as we hit the token technical stuff. That goes nowhere so it’s an early standoff with Drago going with a superkick, earning himself an enziguri. A corkscrews moonsault sends Drago outside, which of course means a big suicide dive. You knew that was coming.

Back in and Drago nails another superkick to send him outside, meaning it’s time for Drago to hit his own suicide dive. They head inside again for more kicks (more than I would have expected here) but Drago gets sidestepped to the floor. One heck of a corkscrew dive drops Drago on the floor for two, only to have Drago hit a hanging DDT for the same. This time it’s Aerostar getting the better of a strike off as the lack of psychology is starting to show here.

Aerostar sends him outside again for a suicide dive and the fans sing about the match being lucha. That’s good for two back inside and Drago is right back up with a kick to the ribs. Kind of basic so he goes with a dropkick to the side of the head for two of his own. La majistral gets Drago two more but Aerostar is right back up with a rolling cutter. With that not working, Aerostar is right back up with a springboard Codebreaker for the pin at 11:35.

Rating: C+. Good choice for an opener here, even though Aerostar seemed a little banged up at the end. They went with the right idea here to go with the entertaining stuff instead of starting with something a little more flat. These two could have a good match in their sleep and that’s all this needed to be in an opener.

Josh Matthews tells Matt Sydal that he’s taught him everything he can and now Matt is free. They’re cool with this but I’m hoping Josh gets a better fit for a client soon.

Callis makes fun of Josh.

We recap the Tag Team Title match. Eli Drake won the Feast or Fired Tag Team Title briefcase but Chris Adonis walked out on the company. Therefore, Scott Steiner was brought in to be Drake’s partner because NO ONE ELSE was available.

Santana and Ortiz are in the clubhouse with Santana getting a phone call saying someone named King has taken out Konnan.

Tag Team Titles: Eli Drake/Scott Steiner vs. LAX

LAX is defending but there’s no Konnan. Ortiz starts with Drake and takes him into the corner, meaning we get some early double teaming to put the champs in control. Steiner, covered in tattoos, comes in for some knees to the face and suplexes before handing it right back off to Drake. A double back elbow drops Ortiz again and the villains are in control. Ortiz grabs a DDT for a break and it’s off to Santana as things speed up. A cutter into a double dropkick has Drake in trouble as Santana is rolling.

Scott catches him on top though and snaps off the Frankensteiner (to a rather limited reaction) but Ortiz is back up with a superkick for the save. Santana starts speeding things up again and Ortiz breaks up a superplex. Instead he pulls Drake down for the Street Sweeper but Santana dives onto Steiner instead. The Gravy Train pins Ortiz for the titles at 8:01.

Rating: D. Well of course that happened. I’m going to go on a hopeful limb and suggest that this reign is done by the end of the next tapings but odder things have happened. I’m also sure that Steiner doing a hurricanrana is enough to prove that HE STILL HAS IT while others will point out how this spot could go to someone who needs the rub, but why let that get in the way?

Trevor Lee vs. Taiji Ishimori vs. El Hijo De Fantasma vs. Dezmond Xavier vs. DJZ vs. Brian Cage

One fall to a finish and lucha rules. DJZ headlocks Xavier to start but Xavier hits a dropkick for a breather. Hang on though as DJZ has to hit the horn for some noise. Xavier goes after Ishimori with a flip dive so Trevor comes in, only to be tossed as well. Fantasma is in next and hurricanranas Dezmond into the corner. DJZ tags himself in and hits a springboard missile dropkick as the fast tags continues.

Fantasma hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker on DJZ but Lee is in with a clothesline to put him down. The fans want Cage, possibly because they know the match is over as soon as he comes in. Lee makes the mistake of forearming Cage in the face and the fans tell him that he f***** up. A belly to back suplex gets two on DJZ but he rolls over and makes the hot tag off to Cage so pain can begin.

Cage starts throwing people around and moonsaults Lee for two. Xavier and DJZ superkick the heck out of him though and Cage is down on the floor with Ishimori moonsaulting onto him for good measure. The DDT from DJZ plants Cage again and DJZ has to save Dezmond from the Thrill of the Hunt.

Ishimori’s spinning kick to the head gets two on DJZ but Cage is back in. Just to show off, it’s a fall away slam to Fantasma and a Samoan drop to Ishimori at the same time. Lee comes back in with a crossbody for two, leaving Fantasma to suicide dive Dezmond. Cage is back in with Weapon X on Ishimori, followed by the Drill Claw to end Dezmond at 12:58.

Rating: C. Total spot fest here with the right ending as Cage needs a win like this. They’re placing him into a good spot and if that means he’s going to be a top name, I can live with that very easily. It’s not like the rest of the division has much left to do so let these guys be cannon fodder. That’s all well and good and the Drill Claw still looks awesome.

Allie is ready to get her hands on Su Yung and prove that she’s not a paper champion. She’s proven herself time and time again and is ready to go it again here. Tonight, she fights for her redemption.

Taya Valkyrie vs. Kiera Hogan

Taya runs her over to start but gets sent outside for a walk around the ring as Tessa Blanchard joins commentary. She’s officially a Knockout and the announcers seem very happy. Back in and Taya shoves her way out of the corner and slowly kicks away while shouting trash talk.

Taya chokes a lot as Tessa talks about how she’s the real wrestling royalty around here because she has the real wrestling pedigree. A hard knee to the face knocks Kiera silly for two but she gets in a jawbreaker for a breather. We go split screen so we can look at Tessa talking as Kiera gets two off a double stomp to the back. Taya folds her in half with a Saito suplex for two more and Kiera is rocked again. The Road to Valhalla is good for the pin on Hogan at 8:15.

Rating: C. I liked this a little more than I was expecting to but the focus being on Blanchard made this feel a lot more like an Impact match than anything else. Tessa is a good addition to the roster though, which needs all the help it can get at the moment. Not too bad, even with the stupid split screen involved.

Petey Williams is talking about his odds of winning the X-Division Title when Scott Steiner comes in to talk numbers. See, the best years of his career were when Petey looked like him, because it made his wife want to make love. Scott: “How is your wife anyway?” They’re going to Cracker Barrel after the show.

We recap Matt Sydal vs. Petey Williams. Sydal has become enlightened and won the X-Division and (now defunct) Grand Championship. Petey on the other hand pulled down a briefcase and was champion ten years ago, but does have a cool finisher. That’s all there is to this one and that’s not much to go on.

X-Division Title: Petey Williams vs. Matt Sydal

Sydal is defending. Feeling out process to start with an exchange of holds and near falls on the mat as the announcers discuss the history of the shooting star press. Sydal takes him down again though and avoids an early Destroyer attempt, followed by a standing moonsault for two.

Petey is back up and can’t hit the Codebreaker but can hit a Russian legsweep for two. Something like a TKO puts Sydal down but he sends Petey into the corner. It’s WAY too early for the shooting star though and Petey slaps on the required Sharpshooter. Petey gets kneed in the face and a top rope hurricanrana gets two.

Sydal’s shooting star hits knees and the comeback is on. The Canadian Destroyer connects this time but Sydal rolls to the floor. Back in and a super Canadian Destroyer is blocked (because death would ensue) but another shooting star is broken up, only to have Sydal grab a pumphandle rollup to retain at 12:01.

Rating: C+. This was about as good as it was going to get because Williams has nothing more than the Canadian Destroyer. Really, other than that slingshot of his, there’s nothing else to offer. I’m not sure how many times I can make myself care about this story again, but a fresh story might be nice. Sydal winning was the right call though so I have few complaints.

Tommy Dreamer quotes Martin Luther King Jr. to talk about how violence is for everyone and we’re in a new era of wrestling.

We recap OVE vs. Moose/Eddie Edwards/Tommy Dreamer. Sami Callihan crushed Eddie’s face with a baseball bat and bragged about it so Edwards went after the trio. Realizing that wasn’t going to work, Eddie got some friends and we’re getting a six man hardcore match to settle things.

Tommy Dreamer/Moose/Eddie Edwards vs. OVE

Anything goes and the good guys are in street clothes. OVE wastes no time with an early cheap shot attempt, only to get taken down with a hard shot. Eddie dives onto Callihan and it’s time for the wild brawl early on. A trashcan lid to Callihan’s head has Sami in even more trouble as Moose beats on Jake. There goes the ECW chant because it’s still not allowed to die. Dave gets caught in the Tree of Woe but Sami superkicks Tommy down for the save.

Eddie gets sent back first into a chair for two as control changes. It’s time to go after Eddie’s face with Callihan ripping away. The announcers rip on Dayton, Ohio for a bit as Moose and Dreamer are laid out on the floor. Back in and Callihan has a pair of chairs laid on the mat for the All Seeing Eye onto the steel. Moose runs in for the save and it’s time for some high rising dropkicks.

Jake gets a trashcan put on top of him for a running delayed dropkick in the corner. This time it’s Dave making a save but Jake pulls out the duct tape. That earns him a toss through a table at ringside so Dave pours out the thumbtacks. That’s fine with Eddie as Moose lifts Dave up for a powerbomb and the Boston Knee Party from the top drives him down into the tacks.

Dave is placed on a table and Moose tries a splash, only to have Jake dive in with some hands to the head (supposed to be a cutter) and everyone is down. Back in and Sami grabs the Get Out Of Here (double underhook shoulderbreaker) for two of his own and it’s baseball bat time. Cue Dreamer with the barbed wire bat for a shot to Sami’s ribs. The DDT plants Sami but a low blow and small package end Dreamer at 13:05.

Rating: B-. This one depends on your taste for hardcore matches but at least the right guy took the fall. Dreamer was the perfect choice to take the fall as there’s no reason for Eddie or Moose to get pinned. You can have Eddie vs. Sami in the big blowoff later anyway, so this was the right call. Somewhat above average hardcore match but nothing that hasn’t been done better.

Post match Eddie uses the barbed wire to bust Sami open and duct tapes him to the ropes. Eddie rubs Sami’s blood all over himself and loads up the bat but Dreamer steps in. That goes nowhere as Eddie wrecks everyone with a kendo stick. Cue Eddie’s wife Alisha and Eddie hits her with the stick by mistake for the big horrible moment. We hit the Owen Hart voices as Alisha is tended to.

Fenix is ready for the World Title.

Austin Aries, still billed as the Grand Champion and carrying all his belts, felt what Pentagon and Fenix were all about in New Orleans. He knows what they are and they’re not the World Champion. Aries is the new standard bearer of professional wrestling but tonight he could lose the title without losing the fall. He can beat anyone one on one and tonight he’ll beat them two on one.

We recap Allie vs. Su Yung. Allie won the Knockouts Title back and became a bit more serious so Braxton Sutter proposed to her again. Allie said no so Sutter brought in Su Yung, an evil demonic bride, to torment her. Tonight the title is on the line.

Knockouts Title: Su Yung vs. Allie

Yung is challenging and Sutter does her introduction. Su drives her up against the ropes to start but Allie gets in a few shots of her own. Sutter grabs the leg though and Allie gets tied in the Tree of Woe for some kicks to the ribs. A neck snap across the top rope puts Allie on the floor, followed by a flip dive to crush her again.

Back in and Allie scores with a Codebreaker for a breather. That’s enough to get her fired up and Allie hits a running forearm to a seated Yung. The Best Superkick Ever connects but Sutter gets on the apron for a distraction, earning himself a right hand. Yung loads up the Panic Switch but Allie reverses into a sunset flip to retain at 7:17.

Rating: C. This was an Impact match and I can’t say I’m surprised. Allie retaining the title is a good call but I’m not sure where she goes from here. She just beat Yung clean and even beat up Sutter in the process. I’m not sure how that necessitates a rematch so it’s off to Rosemary in theory, which is similar to what we just saw. Not bad, but nothing that needed to be on pay per view.

Post match Su is livid so Sutter proposes to her. Su seems to continue it but takes him down with a Mandible Claw.

The announcers recap the show.

Slammiversary is in Toronto on July 22.

We recap the main event, which again focuses on Alberto walking out. With him gone, Aries needed a challenger so we get a rematch from the WrestleCon show, which is really about all they could do.

Impact Wrestling World Title: Austin Aries vs. Pentagon Jr. vs. Fenix

Aries is defending. We hit the trash talk to start (well duh) and it’s Aries starting fast with a bunch of chops all around. Remembering that they’re brothers, Fenix and Pentagon send him outside but Pentagon is right back up with a Sling Blade. Aries is back in and getting kicked in the face soon thereafter, followed by a jumping cutter to Pentagon.

A smart Aries steals the near fall and grabs the Last Chancery, only to have Fenix springboard in with a missile dropkick for the save. Pentagon heads outside and it’s Fenix chopping the heck out of Aries. For a change of pace, Aries chops the head out of Fenix. Aries gets two off a forearm as it sounds like one of the announcers is opening a can. Pentagon comes back in and gets bulldogged for two, followed by the Last Chancery with Fenix making another fast save.

That sends Pentagon outside so Fenix throws Aries at him, earning his brother a hurricanrana. Fenix isn’t about to be shown up though and busts out a corkscrew plancha to the floor to drop them both again. Back in again and Fenix drops a Swanton for two on Pentagon, who pops up to German suplex both guys. He can’t quite break Aries’ arm though as Fenix makes a save. Now why wouldn’t he want the World Champion taken out?

Pentagon beaks up Aries’ running corner dropkick and Backstabs his brother for two. This time it’s Fenix getting back up with a superkick to Aries but Pentagon’s Fear Factor (package piledriver) gets two with Aries making another save. Pentagon is fine enough to block a suicide dive so Aries sends him into the crowd instead.

Back in (again) and the 450 hits both challengers, including Pentagon taking some hard knees. That’s enough for the two of them and it’s time for the brother double teaming, including a double superkick. Pentagon lays Fenix out though and snaps Aries’ arm. The Fear Factor gives Pentagon the pin on Aries and the title at 16:15.

Rating: B. Good match here and that’s all you can ask for in a big time main event. The surprise title change isn’t shocking enough to be too far and you can probably pencil in Pentagon dropping it no later than Slammiversary. That being said, it’s really cool to see Pentagon getting some more exposure like this as he’s been a gem to watch down in Lucha Underground. Strong main event here.

The brothers embrace to end the show.

Overall Rating: B-. That’s your run of the mill Impact pay per view: completely watchable with nothing too terrible and a solid main event. The problem is the same as well though: there’s nothing worth going out of your way to see and it’s just not a stand out show. Impact has definitely shifted more towards finding the safe middle ground and I’ll take that over the train wreck that we usually get. I liked the show enough and wasn’t bored so I’ll take what I can get. Not great, but certainly good.

Results

Aerostar b. Drago – Springboard Codebreaker

Eli Drake/Scott Steiner b. LAX – Gravy Train to Ortiz

Brian Cage b. Dezmond Xavier, DJZ, Trevor Lee, Taiji Ishimori and El Hijo Del Fantasma – Drill Claw to Xavier

Taya Valkyrie b. Kiera Hogan – Road to Valhalla

Matt Sydal b. Petey Williams – Rollup

OVE b. Tommy Dreamer/Moose/Eddie Edwards – Small package to Dreamer

Allie b. Su Yung – Sunset flip

Pentagon Jr. b. Fenix and Austin Aries – Fear Factor to Aries

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the paperback edition of the WWE Grab Bag (also available as an e-book) from Amazon. Check out the information here:

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Royal Rumble 2003
Date: January 19, 2003
Location: Fleet Center, Boston, Massachusetts
Attendance: 15,338
Commentators: Michael Cole, Tazz, Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

This is a really odd entry in the series as the namesake match is being treated as secondary to almost everything else. Really, coming into this show, there’s a good argument to be made that Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn Marie is being treated as a bigger deal than the Rumble itself. Let’s get to it.

The opening video is your standard montage of wrestlers talking about what it means to go to Wrestlemania because the road starts tonight.

Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar

The winner is in the Rumble and the loser is out in the cold. They do the customary exchange of shoves to start with the fans almost entirely behind Lesnar. Brock drives him into the corner to little avail but the belly to belly works a bit better. A second works just as well but the third is countered with a scary toss over the top. Back in and we hit the choke, which you can tell is serious because Cole starts talking about Show’s shoe size.

Brock comes right back with the release German suplex but Heyman offers a distraction to break things up. A big boot and side slam drop Lesnar for all of ten seconds before he’s back up with an other belly to belly. Cue Heyman but he gets caught in an F5 attempt, only to have Show make the save with a chokeslam for two. A second attempt is countered into a sloppy F5 to send Lesnar to the Rumble.

Rating: D+. It was short (less than seven minutes) and had the only possible ending (it’s not like there are many other potential Rumble winners) so it’s hard to complain that much. The F5 didn’t look great but it was how the match should have ended. This probably needs to be about it for Big Show as a main event guy but you know that’s not going to be the case, which is part of the problem on Smackdown.

Chris Jericho is ready to win the Rumble and gets his World Title back at Wrestlemania.

Raw Tag Team Titles: Dudley Boyz vs. William Regal/Lance Storm

Regal and Storm are defending. Bubba punches Storm in the corner to start and hits something like a spinebuster. To really mix things up, Bubba grabs a leglock for a few seconds before handing it off to D-Von. Regal comes in and gets punched as well as this isn’t exactly shaking the feeling that it’s a glorified Raw match. The champs take over on D-Von with Storm drop toeholding him down into a sliding knee from Regal (nice spot).

We hit the cravate for a bit and a chinlock keeps D-Von in trouble. That doesn’t last long either though as D-Von fights up and makes the hot tag to Bubba for the house cleaning. Regal takes What’s Up but here’s Chief Morely for a distraction to prevent the 3D. It doesn’t quite work so well though as D-Von uses the distraction to grab Regal’s brass knuckles and knock Storm silly for the pin and the titles. Lawler: “I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.” He’s confused enough to refer to Regal as Steve.

Rating: C-. This was just a Raw match with a title change and considering Booker T. and Goldust never even got a rematch after losing the titles, I have no idea what the thinking here is. Were Booker and Goldust really that bad of a team? I know it’s a sin to get over without the company swearing off on it but it’s some of the oddest booking of the year.

House show ads. They didn’t edit this off the Network? I like having the complete versions but it’s a strange choice to keep in.

Nathan Jones vignette.

We get a long recap of the Al Wilson Saga, which still doesn’t make much sense and went on WAY too long if this is their big idea. Basically Dawn Marie decided she wanted to destroy Torrie Wilson’s life (I think?) by marrying Torrie’s father. She eventually went through with it but had so much, ahem, fun with Al on their honeymoon that he died.

Dawn blames Torrie for this and the match is on, even though it was booked before Al died. If this was all some big con by Dawn, what does she get out of it? Getting a match with Torrie? She seems upset and we haven’t gotten any scene of Dawn saying it was all made up so I guess we’re supposed to take it at face value. I know I harp on this a lot but I still don’t get how this was supposed to work.

Dawn Marie vs. Torrie Wilson

Dawn is in regular ring gear and a black veil, which makes her look more like Jimmy Jack Funk (from the neck up) than anything else. Dawn elbows her in the face at the bell but Torrie takes her down as well as these two are going to be able to do. Torrie gets caught in a Fujiwara armbar as the announcers cover the story in detail. Well the recent part at least as basically everything after Armageddon has been forgotten at this point.

Dawn stays on the arm (that’ll teach Torrie for killing Dawn’s husband) and grabs a flapjack. They collide in a bad looking spot and the boring chants begin. Dawn actually hits a decent looking middle rope spinning clothesline, only to fall victim to that horrible swinging neckbreaker to give Torrie the pin.

Rating: F. Really, what else were you expecting here? The feud was as soap opera level as you’re going to have and the wrestlers are both models and little more. Somehow that’s about as much as you could have thought these two would do and hopefully it wraps up the story for good. I know it won’t but it would be nice.

Eric Bischoff and Stephanie McMahon run into each other in the back with Stephanie being smug about Eric’s thirty days to fix Raw deal. Eric asks if her job is safe too but she doesn’t seem worried, partially because she has her own surprise for Raw. As with most cases of both GM’s on screen at once, this was a big waste of time.

Sean O’Haire tells us not to go to church.

We recap Scott Steiner vs. HHH. Steiner showed up in November and was immediately shoved into the title picture but hasn’t actually had a match yet. Instead it’s been stuff like a posedown, a bench press contest (which didn’t happen), arm wrestling and a pushup contest. The idea is that Steiner can do everything HHH can and might also be completely insane. The fact that they’ve barely been allowed to get physical should be a bit worrisome but HHH wouldn’t let us down.

Raw World Title: HHH vs. Scott Steiner

Steiner is challenging and HHH is in the ultra rare red trunks. Before the bell, Hebner holds up the title and insists that he’s the law around here no matter what. Steiner wins the early slugout and chops away in the corner, followed by the gorilla press to send HHH rolling to the floor. The champ’s back is sent into the post a few times and a hard Irish whip makes his back even worse.

We hit a Boston crab for a bit with HHH crawling to the ropes a few seconds later. That’s not very noteworthy, but Steiner falling over when the hold is broken isn’t the most encouraging sign. The facebuster is no sold and we hit a quickly broken bearhug. Steiner gets in the first belly to belly for two and Flair pulls him out to the floor.

Back in and Steiner charges into a boot to the face before being sent into the steps for good measure. HHH stomps and chokes in the corner with Flair adding choking of his own. Another neckbreaker gets two for the champ and you can see how winded Steiner already is. Flair chokes on the ropes again to fill in as much time as possible before Steiner reverses the Pedigree.

Scott catapults him into the buckle and grabs the second overhead suplex….before just collapsing next to the ropes. We’re not even nine minutes into the match and the guy can’t even stand up. Steiner picks him up for what looks like a Tombstone and you would think he was about to go into labor. HHH slips out and tries a Diamond Cutter but Steiner goes backwards with it like a regular neckbreaker. After all those years of working with Diamond Dallas Page he can’t take a standard face first bump?

You can hear the crowd losing their patience with this one. Flair plays cheerleader and the fans actually cheer for HHH, who may be boring but he’s at least looking competent here. The champ dives into another overhead suplex but Steiner still can’t follow up. Some Steiner Lines set up suplexes four, five and six, followed by a spinning version for two.

Steiner tries a tiger bomb and falls down, drawing straight up booing from the fans. The announcers are trying as hard as they can to make Steiner sound like a threat here and it’s going as badly as you would expect. HHH heads up top so it’s a superplex for two more. That’s enough to send HHH and Flair up the aisle but Steiner isn’t done yet and drags them back. As lame as an ending as that would be, it was the right call at this point.

A belt shot to HHH’s head draws some blood and they continue to stagger around ringside with no idea what to do. Another belly to belly (ninth suplex total) sends HHH outside again and they brawl into the crowd because THIS MATCH JUST CAN’T END. Back in again with Steiner doing the pushups and laboring through some right hands in the corner. Now Flair tries to get the referee to stop the match but the referee keeps going because he’s that kind of evil.

Steiner hates the match as much as everyone else does so he throws Hebner outside but THAT’S NOT A DQ EITHER. The tenth suplex gets two and you can see Steiner looking desperate. HHH gets in a low blow and rolls Steiner up for two. That’s FINALLY enough for HHH as he grabs sledgehammer and hits Scott in the ribs for the DQ, earning a chorus of boos that would make Roman Reigns proud.

Rating: N. For Not HHH’s Fault. For once, this can’t be blamed on HHH, who was just stuck in a horrible situation and couldn’t do anything with it. To be fair though, no one was going to be able to get anything passable out of this mess. Steiner wasn’t ready for this match and had no business going more than five minutes, let alone eighteen. The interesting thing here though is the first eight minutes ran more than well enough. It was a boring start but it was nowhere near a disaster or even really bad. The problem is the second half of the match where EVERYTHING falls apart.

You’ll hear a lot of comparisons between this Steiner and Brock Lesnar’s Suplex City but the key is in the delivery. Lesnar suplexes the heck out of people and then pops up to do it again. Steiner was suplexing HHH here and then taking twenty seconds to get to his feet out of pure exhaustion. When you can see wrestlers go twenty minutes without even breathing hard, there’s no excuse for a main eventer nearly passing out from exhaustion in the first ten minutes. There’s a reason this is remembered so horribly and it more than lives down to its reputation.

Post match Steiner hits him with the sledgehammer and grabs the Steiner Recliner. JR: “There’s no way out of this hold.” In other words, yes they’re actually doing a rematch. Bischoff eventually comes out and gets Steiner off of HHH as the fans are so apathetic towards any of this.

We recap Chris Benoit vs. Kurt Angle. Kurt won the title with help from his new agent Paul Heyman, who also represents Big Show. Benoit beat Show to become the new #1 contender and you know this is going to be a classic no matter what. That being said, there’s not much of a secret to the fact that they’re building towards Lesnar vs. Angle at this point. At least we can have an incredible match on the way there.

Smackdown World Title: Chris Benoit vs. Kurt Angle

Angle is defending. Benoit has to deal with Team Angle to start so that’s a double ejection. Chris tries a very quick Sharpshooter (which Tazz calls a Boston crab for some reason), sending Angle outside for a breather. Back in and another leg hold sends Angle to the ropes as it seems that they have a long time here.

Benoit easily wins a battle of the chops and gets two off a clothesline to the back of the head. A DDT onto the apron makes things even worse but Angle rolls away from the Swan Dive. The Angle Slam is reversed though and we hit the Sharpshooter. Angle grabs the ropes as well as a belly to belly (after that last match, I’m surprised those weren’t banned like bar stools on Frasier) to really take over for the first time.

We hit the chinlock with a bodyscissors on Benoit for a bit before a double clothesline puts both guys down. Back up and they trade German suplexes with Benoit getting the better of it. Chris takes too long going up top though and Angle runs the corner for the belly to belly superplex. The Crossface goes on a few seconds later with Benoit switching to the ankle lock (that’s like a Bingo space in an Angle match).

Kurt’s ankle lock is reversed into the Crossface which is reversed into a rollup which is reversed right back into the Crossface. Angle gets to his feet for an Angle Slam but there’s no cover. There go the straps though and it’s back to the ankle lock. Benoit gets two off a rollup as the announcers are losing their minds (rightfully so).

Kurt is sick of this submission stuff and tries a German suplex, only to have Benoit reverse into a release version, drawing quite the round of applause. With Angle three quarters of the way across the ring, Benoit hits the best looking Swan Dive I’ve ever seen for a delayed two. Angle grabs a powerbomb but drops Benoit face first onto the buckle, followed by another Slam for two.

We’re right back to the Crossface but Angle rolls through into the ankle lock which can’t be reversed this time. Benoit kicks him away instead, only to get caught in the ankle lock again. Chris tries to pull him into the Crossface but Angle holds on and gets the grapevine to FINALLY make Benoit tap because he was beaten and he knew it.

Rating: A+. I’ve seen this match several times now and I’m still exhausted just watching it. These guys were beating the heck out of each other with everything looking anywhere from great to unbelievable (that Swan Dive in particular). This was outstanding stuff and one of the best wrestling matches I’ve ever seen. There’s also a bit of a HHH vs. Cactus Jack vibe to it with Angle being backed into a corner and having to fight, only to prove that he is indeed the better man, at least on this night. Check this out if you haven’t seen it in awhile, or just because it’s worth seeing multiple times.

After an Anthology ad, Benoit gets the big standing ovation, which probably should have sent him to a World Title shot (at least) at Wrestlemania. Instead it was a spot in a three way for the Tag Team Titles because that’s how WWE worked in 2003.

Rob Van Dam and Kane agree that it’s every man for himself tonight.

Royal Rumble

90 second intervals (though Fink says two minutes) with Shawn Michaels at #1 and Chris Jericho at #2. If nothing else, at least Shawn is starting to look like a wrestler again instead of the tiny thing he was back at Survivor Series. Actually hang on a second as it’s Christian in Jericho’s clothes instead of Chris himself. Cue Jericho from underneath the ring to hit Shawn low. One heck of a beatdown ensues with Jericho busting Shawn open with a chair as Christopher Nowinski is in at #3. He’s willing to stay on the floor while Jericho beats on Shawn some more and easily eliminates him.

Nowinski is still on the floor as Rey Mysterio is in at #4. Rey tries to speed things up and slips out of a gorilla press, only to get punched out to the apron. As usual, Jericho celebrates early and gets dropkicked into the ropes. Nowinski FINALLY gets in and it’s Edge in at #5. Outside of Nowinski, that’s quite the first four. Spears abound as Rey gets back into it and Nowinski is sent outside but not eliminated.

Jericho is sent into the post and through the ropes to the floor. Rey and Edge shake hands and go at it with Rey hitting the 619 but he gets powerbombed to put both guys down. It’s Christian in at #6 with an offer to reform the team with Edge. That earns him a spear but here’s Nowinski to throw Edge and Mysterio to the apron. Chavo Guerrero is in at #7 as the Smackdown is strong with this Rumble.

Rey and Chavo do a quick lucha sequence with the 619 setting up a springboard seated senton. Christian eats a 619 of his own, followed by a hurricanrana to get rid of Nowinski. Jericho comes back in for a hard clothesline to get rid of Mysterio and here’s Tajiri in at #8. Things settle down a bit with Chavo choking Jericho in the corner and Tajiri not being able to eliminate Christian.

Bill DeMott is in at #9 and attacks various people in short order. The fans aren’t exactly thrilled here as we’re waiting on the big name to clean out some of these names. Tommy Dreamer is in at #10 to give us Dreamer, Jericho, Edge, Christian, Chavo, Tajiri and DeMott. Dreamer brings weapons with him and Edge knocks DeMott out with a kendo stick. Jericho and Christian hit a con-trashcanlid-o on Dreamer and get rid of him without much effort. Tajiri takes them both down with a handspring elbow but the Tarantula is easily broken up, allowing Jericho to get rid of him.

B2, still with the Cena entrance theme, is in at #11…and Edge gets rid of him in less than thirty seconds. Chavo is speared out next, followed by a bloody Jericho (from a Dreamer kendo stick shot) dumping Edge and Christian to leave himself all alone. Rob Van Dam is in at #12 because Edge/Van Dam vs. Christian/Jericho was out of the question for some reason. A superkick has Jericho in trouble and he’s catapulted all the way to the apron. Matt Hardy, who strongly dislikes mustard, is in at #13 and drops Rob with a Side Effect.

Van Dam gets double teamed for a bit until he flips over Jericho and kicks Matt in the face for good measure. The Five Star hits Jericho and it’s Eddie Guerrero in at #14. We get a rehash of Eddie vs. Van Dam from last year until Matt helps Eddie set up an ugly frog splash. That earns Eddie a Twist of Fate (Eddie is smarter than that) and it’s Jeff Hardy in at #15.

Jeff doesn’t buy the reunion idea either (like anyone would buy a Hardys reunion in 2003 or beyond) and beats Matt up, only to have Shannon Moore dive onto Matt to save him from a Swanton. That’s fine with Jeff so he crushes both of them as Rosey is in at #16. Matt gets backdropped to the apron as the eliminations have slowed WAY down. Test is in at #17 and gets to clean house a bit without eliminating anyone. You know, because Rosey needs to stick around.

A rapping John Cena is in at #18 giving reasons why he’s going to win this. The camera stays on him and for once it’s not the biggest problem as nothing is going on in the ring. Van Dam beats him up on the floor (maybe for wrestling in jeans instead of jean shorts for a change) and it’s Charlie Haas in at #19. Where are Lesnar and Undertaker to clear these people out? Jeff tries to run up the corner so Rob eliminates him, still leaving us with far too many people.

Rikishi is in at #20, giving us Rikishi, Jericho, Rob Van Dam, Matt Hardy, Eddie Guerrero, Rosey, Test, Cena and Haas. Rosey and Rikishi have a weird family reunion as Shannon comes in to protect Matt. That just earns him a double Stinkface, or at least it would have if Rosey hadn’t clotheslined Rikishi instead. Jamal is in at #21 to superkick Rikishi, who pops right back up with a Stinkface for his…..brother I believe.

Kane is in at #22 to clean house but he brings Rico in with a chokeslam to fill the ring up even more. Rosey is tossed in a hurry and it’s a double chokeslam for Matt and Shannon. Shelton Benjamin is in at #23 as the ring is WAY too full with eleven people in there, plus Shannon and Rico at various times. They all fight near the ropes and it’s Booker T. in at #24. We go to a weird closeup for an ax kick on Kane and there’s the Spinarooni. Eddie gets backdropped out and it’s A-Train in at #25.

A good looking A-Train Bomb (chokebomb) plants Cena and another one hits Van Dam but Rikishi superkicks A-Train in the face. Jericho is sent to the apron AGAIN but here’s a bandaged Shawn to go after Jericho, allowing Test to knock him out. Shawn stays on Jericho and that’s a Wrestlemania match. Maven is in at #26 (because this match needed two Tough Enough names) and goes after Kane as things slow down again. Goldust is in at #27 and doesn’t even last a minute before Team Angle puts him out. They do the same to Booker T. a few seconds later, making sure that the Booker T./Goldust team is swiftly beaten again.

Batista is in at #28 and gets rid of Test (after EIGHTEEN MINUTES, or longer than Edge and Mysterio combined) and Rikishi. Brock Lesnar is in at #29 and becomes the most obvious winner since….well last year with HHH actually. He wastes no time in getting rid of Team Angle before throwing Matt onto both of them. Now that’s how you clear out some bodies. Undertaker is in at #30 to give us a final group of Undertaker, Van Dam, Cena, Jamal, Kane, A-Train, Maven, Batista and Lesnar. Not the worst field actually.

Undertaker dumps Cena (Which could have set up a heck of a Wrestlemania match today but we wanted a reality show moment instead. Yes you did want that and Kevin Dunn told me so.) and Jamal (Why was he still there?) before Maven hits the same dropkick as last year. This time there’s no effect though, making Maven’s celebration a bit amusing.

After Maven is launched out, A-Train hits the A-Train Bomb on Undertaker. Van Dam and Kane get rid of A-Train and we’re down to five. Kane loads up Rob in a gorilla press….and throws him out in a smart move (not a heel turn). Batista and Kane are put down with a double clothesline and it’s time for Lesnar vs. Undertaker.

That’s broken up before anything can happen though and the Brothers of Destruction start taking over. Brock takes care of Batista and Kane so we can have the Undertaker showdown. The F5 is countered and Brock takes a Tombstone, followed by Undertaker dumping Batista and Kane. Batista comes back in and eats a chair shot, leaving Brock to eliminate Undertaker for the win.

Rating: B. There was a REALLY bad dead spot in the middle and some of the choices were all over the place (Test, Jamal and Rikishi all getting over fourteen minutes while Los Guerreros, Edge and Mysterio were all afterthoughts) but the ending was the right call. The final four wasn’t a bad group at all and having Lesnar dump Undertaker to win is as good a move as they could have made.

There was VERY little build to this match and they did well enough with it while they could. It’s not a terrible Rumble but there are many better options. Fix the middle part and get rid of people at a faster clip and it’s a great one, but as it is it’s just pretty good. Then again, for this year that’s quite the compliment.

The big problem here though is how weak the midcard and lower card is. Maybe it’s just the way some of them were booked but aside from Lesnar, Undertaker and MAYBE Jericho, was anyone a real threat to win here? Having an obvious winner is fine but it would be nice to build up someone else as a possible winner.

Overall Rating: B-. The World Title matches cancel each other out and thankfully the Rumble is there to make up for a nothing lower card. Lesnar winning was the obvious ending here and that left the rest of the show to really carry things. Angle vs. Benoit is must see and Steiner vs. HHH may be as well if you’re into unintentional comedy. The rest of the show though…..egads there’s nothing to see there. It’s a perfectly good show but the problems are very big and the Rumble isn’t good enough to make it a classic.

Ratings Comparison

Big Show vs. Brock Lesnar

Original: D

2013 Redo: C+

2017 Redo: D+

Dudley Boyz vs. William Regal/Lance Storm

Original: C

2013 Redo: D

2017 Redo: C-

Dawn Marie vs. Torrie Wilson

Original: DD

2013 Redo: D-

2017 Redo: F

Scott Steiner vs. HHH

Original: G-

2013 Redo: H (For HHH)

2017 Redo: N (For Not HHH’s Fault)

Chris Benoit vs. Kurt Angle

Original: A+

2013 Redo: A+

2017 Redo: A+

Royal Rumble

Original: B

2013 Redo: B-

2017 Redo: B

Overall Rating

Original: B-

2013 Redo: C-

2017 Redo: B-

This is a rare instance where the original is much closer to the new ratings than the first redo. Maybe I was in a bad mood that day?

You can read the original review here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2011/01/22/royal-rumble-count-up-2003-best-match-ever/

And the 2013 redo here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2013/01/16/royal-rumble-count-up-2013-redo-2003-best-of-both-worlds-and-a-boring-rumble/

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the Monday Nitro and Thunder Reviews Volume VI: July – December 1999 in e-book or paperback. Check out the information here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2017/11/22/new-book-kbs-monday-nitro-and-thunder-reviews-volume-vi/

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6

 

Monday Night Raw
Date: June 30, 2003
Location: HSBC Arena, Buffalo, New York
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

We’re closing out the first half of the year with the big story of Kane losing his mask. After the better part of six years with no one knowing what he looked like, Kane lost his mask last week in a match given one whole week of build up. You know, on the show that has needed back to back Kevin Nash pay per view main events. Let’s get to it.

We open with a long recap of the end of last week’s show, including Kane laying out Rob Van Dam with a chokeslam.

Opening sequence.

Chris Jericho is in the ring for the Highlight Reel. While everyone has been talking about Kane, let’s have a beauty instead of a beast. Therefore, his guest tonight is Stacy Keibler, who comes out with Scott Steiner, much to Jericho’s chagrin. Before we get going, Steiner removes her garter. Jericho asks Steiner to leave and I’ll let you figure out how that goes.

We move on to Stacy’s photo shoot for Stuff Magazine and Lawler rather likes the pictures. Jericho hits on Stacy and calls himself legendary. Stacy makes references to Jericho being, ahem, legendarily small.  That’s enough for Jericho to bring out Test as his second guest so the beatdown can ensue. Eric Bischoff comes out to call it off and say that he’s in charge tonight because Steve Austin isn’t here. As for the people in the ring, it’s Steiner/Stacy vs. Test/Jericho.

Here’s Lance Storm to say that he is NOT boring, and he has the dictionary definition to prove it. This doesn’t go far as some music cuts him off.

Goldberg vs. Lance Storm

And no match as Rodney Mack jumps Goldberg from behind. Not that it matters as a spear cuts Mack in half and the Jackhammer (Jackknife as JR says) has Teddy Long hopping mad.

Bischoff is in the back with Kane, who has a towel over his head. Eric wants Kane to address the people in the name of ratings. Kane shakes his head no so Bischoff offers him a World Title shot tonight. That’s still no so Bischoff gives RVD the title shot instead. If Kane doesn’t go out into the arena though, he’s fired.

Women’s Title: Battle Royal

Trish Stratus, Victoria, Jazz, Ivory, Molly Holly, Jacqueline, Gail Kim

Jazz is defending and this is Gail’s debut. It’s a brawl to start with Gail hitting a decent looking hurricanrana on Molly. Ivory is catapulted out, making the last few weeks of her defeating Jazz over and over pretty much a waste of time. Jazz gets hurt somewhere in there and is taken out by the trainers (she would be out until December with a shoulder injury, which may be why it’s this instead of a regular match).

Molly and Jacqueline are out too and we’re down to Gail, Trish and Victoria in less than two minutes. The Stratusphere is broken up and Trish is knocked out, leaving Gail to armdrag Victoria. A powerbomb attempt is countered into a hurricanrana to put Victoria out and make Gail champion.

Rating: D-. I’m guessing that was due to Jazz’s shoulder injury and if so, that’s fine. Gail winning the title was a nice little surprise, though it’s not like it matters much anyway. The division isn’t going to get better without something resembling a story and this isn’t exactly thrilling. Somehow this is the only title Gail would win in WWE. You would have expected her to win another just by the amount of time she was around but somehow it never happened.

Intercontinental Title: Booker T. vs. Christian

Christian is defending and jumps Booker in the aisle before the bell. They head into the crowd with Booker beating Christian around as referees can’t break it up. We’re joined in progress after a break with Booker slugging away and getting two off a backdrop. Christian snaps the back of Booker’s neck across the ropes though and we hit the chinlock.

The second version keeps Booker down again as JR and King talk about how Test can do ANYTHING he wants to Stacy tonight because it’s a wrestling match. You know, because there are no rules to a wrestling match at all. Back up and Booker misses the side kick into the ropes, setting up a backbreaker for two. Christian dives into a side kick though and both guys are down with Christian’s stunned face being a nice bonus. Another kick to the face gets two but the Book End is broken up.

The ax kick is countered into a rollup with trunks for two but Booker plants him with a flapjack. But first, a Spinarooni. Booker gets crotched on top so Christian superplexes him down, right into the small package to give Booker the pin and the title. I’m not even going to bother going to the rating as Bischoff comes out to say all four shoulders were down. Therefore it’s a draw and Christian retains the title.

Rating: C. This is another good example of a feud where they don’t know how to just get it over with already and it’s making for a bad story. Booker vs. Christian is fine for a once off but this is several weeks now with nothing being all that great in the first place. Get to something else already or just give Booker the title.

RVD goes to try and talk some sanity into Kane but Kane says he hates the fans. Rob hopes Kane doesn’t hate him when he wins the title. He leaves, and Kane says he does hate him.

Stacy Keibler/Scott Steiner vs. Chris Jericho/Test

Steiner and Jericho get things going (you want to save the Test vs. Steiner money match for later) with Chris being shoved down like he’s nothing. A belly to belly powerslam plants Jericho and Steiner starts in with the swearing. It’s off to Test, who JR thinks has no testicular fortitude. A suplex tosses Test but he’s right back with a clothesline to put Steiner on the floor.

The slow double teaming begins until Jericho misses a charge and crotches himself on the ropes. There’s no one for Steiner to tag though so Test decks him again and stops for some jumping jacks. Test crotches himself though and Stacy bounces the ropes up and down for some bad measure. Jericho comes in and shoves the referee down….but here’s Bischoff to say restart it as a No DQ match. A chair to the head puts Steiner down and Test forces Stacy to tag Steiner. That means a pumphandle powerslam to give Test the easy pin a few seconds later.

Rating: F. Do you get the idea yet? I didn’t know if the last few weeks had explained the concept so far but WWE seems rather fine with hammering it into your head over and over. JR is getting insufferable with his SOMEONE HELP THE HELPLESS WOMAN stuff too and I continue to question why what could be a good story is being wasted on Test and Scott Steiner. This just kept going and it never approached entertaining.

Rico vs. Maven

Rico grabs a quick pinch of the trunks to start and Lawler wants to know if Maven liked it. A cartwheel earns a nose rub from Miss Jackie but Rico needs to stop and pull his room key out of his tights. With Rico taking forever to bend over and get the key, Maven tries a sunset flip, earning himself a sit on the face. Rico kisses his way out of a headlock as the beating you over the head motif continues.

In case that’s not enough, we stop for some dancing with the referee. Maven finally blocks a middle rope ax handle and hits some clotheslines as JR tries to say the fans are stunned into silence. The middle rope bulldog gets two with Jackie putting the boot on the ropes. That and a shove off the top sets up the spinning kick to end Maven.

Rating: F-. Let me guess: Vince found this hilarious and the shots of Jackie split pants were enough to validate the character. This was HORRIBLE with every low level gay joke you can imagine in one match. It comes off as a case of “well, he did something similar once so let’s turn it way up this time”. It’s a total waste of Rico and that’s quite the shame.

Randy Orton vs. Tommy Dreamer

This is fallout from Orton beating up Mick Foley last week. Dreamer wastes no time in taking him to the floor for a fight, only to have Orton whip him into the steps. Back in and Orton gets two off a hard whip into the corner. Well he’s no Whipper Billy Watson. The always great dropkick gets two more but Dreamer grabs a Sky High of all things for the same. There’s the DDT but Flair puts the foot underneath the ropes. The tease of Flair vs. Dreamer (which sounds oddly fascinating) is enough for the RKO (I believe debuting the name) and the pin on Tommy.

Rating: D. They’re clearly trying to do something with Orton and that’s the right idea. He’s everything you could want out of a prospect and the good finisher makes things even better. It’s easy to see why he became the star he would become but he’s still needing the big win to get him over the hill.

Bischoff tells Van Dam that if Kane doesn’t come out, it’s on Rob’s head.

Post break, Bischoff sends Terri to get Kane’s thoughts. She doesn’t want to so Bischoff threatens another firing.

La Resistance vs. Hurricane/Spike Dudley

Non-title. Is Spike really an upgrade over fat Sgt. Slaughter? Hurricane starts with Dupree and let’s hit that French dance! Some armdrags have Rene in trouble and Hurricane does a little dance of his own. It’s off to Spike and we hit that BORING chant. A backdrop over the top to the floor calms them down but only gets two with JR being impressed by the kickout. Spike gets in a bulldog and the hot tag brings in Hurricane to no reaction. Everything breaks down and Spike hits a top rope double stomp for two. Grenier breaks up the chokeslam though and it’s the double spinebuster to end Spike.

Rating: D-. Can you blame the fans for not caring? The French guys aren’t exactly thrilling in the first place and it’s pretty hard to care if you see Spike Dudley coming out for a match like this. It wasn’t even any good as they had all of four minutes out there, which was hardly worth the time. You know, aside from filling out the show of course.

Terri can’t find Kane.

Raw World Title: HHH vs. Rob Van Dam

HHH is defending and decks Van Dam before the bell. Some more right hands have Rob in trouble early on as HHH seems to be feeling the slow pace tonight. A monkey flip and some kicks to the head have JR way too excited. Really man we’re not even five minutes into this. Calm down already. Rob gets two off a dropkick and it’s time to head outside. There’s a baseball slide followed by a middle rope moonsault to put both guys down. Cue Flair as we take a break.

Back with Rob stomping away and kicking him in the head for good measure. A chop block lets HHH start in on the knee though with Flair wrapping it around the post for good measure. We hit the standard package of knee work, including HHH bringing back the Indian deathlock. You know, for reasons. Rob grabs the rope so we’ll try the Figure Four instead as HHH flashes all the way to 1984.

The hold is turned over and there’s just no reaction from the fans. Rob fights up with more kicks and a springboard crossbody gets two. A spinning kick hits HHH’s hands for two and there’s the split legged moonsault but Flair breaks it up again. The Five Star connects but this time Flair comes in with a belt shot for…..not the ending as Bischoff comes out AGAIN and restarts it as a No DQ match.

A quick Van Daminator on the floor has HHH down and Bischoff makes it hardcore for fun. Rob’s standing moonsault on the floor gets two until Orton comes in for the save (with the referee looking for him after every count). Van Dam chases HHH to the stage and gets two off Rolling Thunder. Flair comes back though and it’s a belt shot into a DDT on the stage to retain the title.

Rating: D. You know, for someone who prides himself on being a student of the game and all that jazz, HHH really doesn’t know much more than one way to get through a match. This was your usual twenty minutes of interference and HHH doing boring leg work that doesn’t get anyone’s attention until the obvious finish. At least they didn’t go with what I would have thought was the obvious Kane interference ending.

Post match Kane comes out, teases going after Van Dam, and chokeslams Bischoff off the stage to end the show.

Overall Rating: D–. This was a rough one as Austin really does do some positive things for the show. The biggest issue here is the middle section with the lame mixed tag and the really, really bad Rico match. That stuff isn’t funny and isn’t going to get anyone over so we’re stuck with seeing it over and over again. It’s not the worst show in the world as it was mainly a wrestling edition instead of a long talking segment but the bad stuff was absolutely awful.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up the Monday Nitro and Thunder Reviews Volume VI: July – December 1999 in e-book or paperback. Check out the information here:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2017/11/22/new-book-kbs-monday-nitro-and-thunder-reviews-volume-vi/

And check out my Amazon author page with cheap wrestling books at:

http://www.amazon.com/Thomas-Hall/e/B00E6282W6