Monday Night Raw
Date: September 15, 2003
Location: Carolina Coliseum, Columbia, South Carolina
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

I can understand asking for a 2002 Raw, but 2003? Why would you want to subject yourself to that? I don’t get wrestling fans sometimes. Anyway, this is the go home show for Unforgiven which had a main event of……Goldberg vs. HHH I believe? A check of that would say I’m right, as well as saying that I need to get a life. Let’s get to it.

Eric Bischoff and HHH are in the back and there’s going to be a going away party for Goldberg tonight because HHH is going to destroy him on Sunday.

Theme song. Across the Nation was as good a theme as they’ve ever had.

As the show opens, Jericho and Christian are in the ring with signs demanding that Stone Cold must go. This is an official protest you see. Jericho does the talking and says that Austin is a menace and a horrible GM. Christian says Austin is a joke because he’s keeping Christian off PPVs. They try to start a Stone Cole Must Go chant and here’s Austin. Austin talks about how Jericho slapped him on the back and eventually hurt his feelings. The idea here is that Austin cannot attack anyone unless provoked and he really wants to beat someone up.

Austin says that Christian will be defending on Sunday (that takes about 30 seconds) but doesn’t name an opponent. Instead he’s interested in getting someone to provoke him but as he pulls his fist back, he tells Christian to do it instead. Jericho gets in Austin’s face again and wants the shot at Christian on Sunday. Austin says ok but Jericho has to win the following match first.

Rob Van Dam vs. Chris Jericho

Christian tries to get in a cheap shot but gets kicked down instead. Jericho gets dumped to the floor and taken out by a dive as we take a fast break. Back with Van Dam hitting a forearm and the cartwheel moonsault for two. A standing rana (called a moonsault by JR for some reason) gets two for Van Dam so he goes up, only to be shoved off the top by Christian.

Back in and Jericho puts on a chinlock as the fans chant for RVD. Rob fights up and hits a spinwheel kick and that stepover kick of his followed by Rolling Thunder. A flying kick off the top gets two but Jericho rolls through a monkey flip. The Walls don’t work so Jericho hits a sleeper drop for two. Rob tries a springboard kick but the referee gets kicked in the face. Well of course he does. The Lionsault and Five Star both hit knees so Christian comes in and hits both of them with the title so it’s a draw.

Rating: C. This wasn’t bad but Jericho was really needing to get the to the Trish storyline to get a recharge at this point. Christian would stay at about this level for awhile until he left for TNA for a few years. Van Dam is Van Dam and that’s about all there is to him. The match itself wasn’t bad but it’s nothing we haven’t seen them do way better at other times.

Austin makes it a triple threat. You know, LIKE EVERY OTHER TRIPLE THREAT.

Video of Goldberg beating Hogan on Nitro.

Spike Dudley vs. Rob Conway

Spike is in a neckbrace and his brothers fight the other members of La Resistance into the crowd. Conway hits a neckbreaker and wins in about 20 seconds.

Post match Conway powerbombs Spike through a table before the Dudleys make the save. The Dudleys would win the tag titles Sunday in a handicap tables match.

Coach and Al Snow suck up to Bischoff but he blows them off as some chick from Tough Enough gives him a note saying there are two half clothed women here. I have a bad feeling about this. Regarding Snow and Coach, see they’re the Heat commentators and want to be the Raw commentators so there’s a tag match between the two of them and JR/King on Sunday for the Raw commentary job. Somehow WWE isn’t sure why no one liked 2003.

The two women are of course Moolah and Mae. We’re in South Carolina so you knew this was coming. Moolah wants a match for her 80^th birthday. Austin pops in and says do it and tells Eric to kiss Moolah for luck. Mae Young is there, so you should know what comes next.

Victoria vs. Fabulous Moolah

Victoria hits both Moolah and Mae, but the distraction of Mae lets Moolah roll her up in thirty seconds. That would be two matches that combined to last less than 60 seconds.

Post match Victoria beats both of them up but Randy Orton comes out to save for some reason. Then he realizes they’re legends and RKO’s Moolah.

Goldust/Lance Storm vs. Mark Henry/Rodney Mack

This is when Storm was “just having fun” and would come to the ring dancing to hip hop music. Whoever asked me to review this show, I’d advise you to NOT REQUEST ANOTHER ONE LIKE THIS. Teddy Long manages the team you would expect him to manage, which may or may not be called Thuggin N Buggin Enterprises. Storm and Mack start things off and the fans chant boring, which is the idea behind Storm’s new character. See, Austin told him he was boring and to get a personality.

Storm takes Mack down but Henry hits him in the back of the head to take over. A splash crushed Storm and it’s off to Goldust who almost immediately gets caught in the World’s Strongest Slam for the pin. This actually broke 1:50, so we’re getting closer to a match that’s actually long enough to rate (even the first match barely was as a lot of that was in a lot of that was in a commercial). This would be Goldust’s last match on Raw for about three years.

Evolution (minus Batista who is recovering from injury) is in the back planning for the party for Goldberg later. Orton has to take care of something and runs into Shawn who he faces Sunday. Orton says Shawn made his career out of being a stepping stone and Sunday, he’s going to use Shawn as a stepping stone. Shawn slaps Randy in the face and says Orton better step hard.

Hurricane tries to teach Rosey to fly. Rosey gets a cab instead.

Molly and Gail Kim say their handicap match tonight with Trish is now No Holds Barred. Sure why not.

Here are Kane and Shane McMahon to sign the contract for their last man standing match on Sunday. Shane says he’s taking Kane down on Sunday and signs. There goes the table and the fight is on. Shane hits Kane low several times and gets in a pair of chair shots. With Kane down, Shane pulls the cover off an announce table at ringside that is apparently only here for this segment (JR and King broadcast from up by the stage at this point). Shane puts Kane on the table and hits the big elbow to drive Kane through it.

Gail Kim/Molly Holly vs. Trish Stratus

No Holds Barred just because. Trish hits a quick double neckbreaker to start and gets down to one on one with Molly. You know, because they have to tag in a no holds barred match. I will say this: Molly is really good looking with black hair. Trish kicks Molly in the face and hits the Stratusphere before it’s off to Gail. Kim takes over with a clothesline and a middle rope legdrop for two. Some heel double teaming allows for a Molly handspring elbow for two. Apparently Molly is Women’s Champion. We hit the chinlock for a bit before Trish rops Molly while trying a spinebuster. The villains double team Trish and the Molly Go Round pins her.

Rating: F. When you hear the words “no holds barred”, you expect more than a generic bad handicap match. The only thing good about this was the girls all looking good, which was the case for most Divas matches back in the day. This division needed a shot in the arm and it needed one in a hurry.

Post match the beating continues and a chair is grabbed, but here’s the returning Lita to make the save. She’s been gone over a year due to a neck injury. If nothing else she looks great in a black bra and tiny shorts.

Post match Gail and Molly are in the back with Eric. Eric says he fired Lita but Austin comes in and says he rehired her. There’s a tag match for Sunday. Gail: “I slept with the wrong general manager.”

Here are Coach and Snow dressed as JR and King respectively. They go to the broken announce table as they’re going to give us a preview of what Raw is like next week. Yeah, THIS is one of the top matches at Unforgiven.

Test vs. Val Venis

Test has Stacy with him as his reluctant love slave or something like that. Test makes Stacy sit down in a chair after hitting Val a few times. Val escapes the pumphandle slam and hits a Blue Thunder Bomb for two. Val loads up the Money Shot but Test kicks the referee into the ropes. There’s the Pumphandle Slam but Stacy pulls Test to the floor. Scott Steiner, Stacy’s alleged savior, comes out to distract Test and Stacy crotches her client on the ropes. Val hits a full nelson slam for the surprise pin. Coach and Snow were very annoying on commentary here. Steiner would turn heel and use Stacy just like Test was soon.

Steiner beats up Test post match but Test gets Stacy before he leaves.

Lawler comes out and asks to fight Snow right now. The match is after a break.

Al Snow vs. Jerry Lawler

Coach and JR are on commentary here as Lawler controls with some very basic stuff. They slug it out and King hits a DDT for two. Snow comes back with a slam but a suplex is countered into a small package for the pin. This was the last match of the show people. This is the main event. Let that sink in.

Coach hits JR before bailing.

Austin runs into Evolution and says HHH is having the Goldberg party by himself.

Here’s HHH for the farewell. He asks the crowd for a Goldberg chant but they’re not interested. We get music and confetti and balloons because this needs to get stupider. HHH says there are no such things as dynasties in wrestling but he’s the one constant. Apparently the one constant isn’t the mic as it goes out yet we can still hear it on TV. With a new mic, HHH shows off a portrait of Goldberg being bloodied by Evolution. This is going nowhere by the way. Now we get VIDEO of the beating! Goldberg finally pops up on screen and says he’ll win the title before coming out and gorilla pressing HHH to end the show.

Overall Rating: F. Despite that TEN MINUTE closing segment, I have zero desire to see either the main event or any of the matches on the show. There are two matches on this show that were long enough to rate: one ended in a draw and one was a no holds barred match that had nothing out of the ordinary. Other than that you have all kinds of stuff like Moolah and Test and the Spike match. Horrible show here and I want nothing to do with Unforgiven or Raw in 2003. Naturally the whole year is on my schedule.

Here’s Unforgiven if you’re interested:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2012/11/03/unforgiven-2003-i-was-wrong-2002-isnt-the-worst-year-ever-for-wwe/

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews

Unforgiven 2003
Date: September 21, 2003
Location: Giant Center, Hershey, Pennsylvania
Attendance: 10,347
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

This is a request so I almost had to do it. The main event here is Goldberg vs. HHH as we’re in the middle of the worst year in recent memory for the company. This was mainly on the Raw side as HHH just would not allow anyone not named Shawn Michaels to do a stupid thing. He had matches with Goldberg, Scott Steiner and Kevin Nash. Let that sink in a bit. Let’s get to this so we can get it over with.

The opening video is about revenge since people are unforgiven. Is that even a word outside of the WWE world? There’s also Shane vs. Kane in their never ending feud that few wanted to see. This is a Raw show in case you missed that.

Ross is WAY too excited to be here. He’s wearing a Sooners jersey for no apparent reason.

Raw Tag Titles: Dudley Boys vs. La Resistance

This is a handicap elimination tables match as La Resistance have Sylvan Grenier, Rob Conway and Rene Dupree. This was supposed to be a 6 man but the heels botched a table spot on Spike on Raw where the threw him over the top and missed the table entirely other than the back of Spike’s head smacking into the table in a SICK looking spot. And we have tags in a tables match. Sure why not?

You can tell this is a long time ago as they’re only 16 time tag champions here. Sweet goodness that’s ridiculous sounding. D-Von and Grenier, who is by far the worst of the three, start us off. And now it’s Conway. Thank you for wasting our time like that. He’s an American that is a French sympathizer. We get the eternal question of why do the French love Jerry Lewis movies. That’s a great question and I’ve yet to get an answer to it.

For a tables match there is a severe lack of tables in it so far. It’s just a handicap match with the Dudleys being way ahead. The double neckbreaker hits and so does What’s Up. Still no tables. There are no disqualifications in this, yet they have to tag. I’ll never get that. Ah here we go. D-Von gets sent through so it’s only Bubba left. They’re not eliminated though. Bubba is WAY over here which is odd to an extent. There are a ton of tables here.

Bubba, from his knees, slaps the heck out of Sylvan’s chest. That sounded GREAT. He goes through the table so it’s 2-1 I guess you could say. Wait…are they eliminated? Oh does it really matter? Well there’s D-Von and the referee is fine with it so I’m thinking no. Wait it’s No DQ so it doesn’t matter if they’re eliminated or not.

Conway goes through it and in nearly the same spot he hurt Spike in, he hits HIS head on the table. FREAKING OW! It’s Bubba vs. Dupree here more or less and since it’s both Dudleys vs. him, what do you expect? Actually Rene wins for the most part and gets to set up a table. He’s 19 here but walks into 3D to give the Dudleys the belts.

Rating: D+. Well this wasn’t that bad but it could have been on Raw. Well maybe not as it actually got over ten minutes. This wasn’t anything special but it made the Dudleys look strong here which is the right idea. It’s nothing special but it’s fine for what it was supposed to be so I can’t complain that much.

We get a MUSIC VIDEO about Scott Steiner vs. Test. The idea is Stacy Keibler was Test’s marketer or whatever and then she decided she “loved” Scott Steiner but Test turned heel and wouldn’t let her go. They had a match for possession of Stacy which Steiner won and then Test beat her up on Raw. Then Test won her back. You have to love the human trafficking going on here.

Scott Steiner vs. Test

Well at least we get a great outfit on Stacy. Dang and Steiner was fighting with HHH for the world title at the Rumble about 7 months before this. That should tell you everything you need to know about both that match and the rematch. Apparently people in Kuwait are pulling for Steiner here. If Steiner wins he gets Stacy and if Test wins Steiner becomes his property. Again: Human Trafficking complete with tights.

Stacy hugs Scott before the match and I really couldn’t care less (and yes I mean it that way) about this match. Test tries a leap frog or something and gets slammed/suplexed for his efforts. Something tells me this is going to be BAD. How stupid is Stacy? Steiner says he only cares about his freaks and his peaks, so SURELY he’s being sincere about wanting to be with her right? Test is dominating here and keeps talking trash to Stacy.

I love the full nelson slam. It’s just an awesome looking move all around. Test does the push-ups to be a jerk which is kind of funny. Ross says Steiner has character. That’s rather amusing. Steiner makes a comeback but a low blow ends that. Given the amount of steroids he was on I’m surprised he felt it.

The Pumphandle Slam finally hits but Stacy distracts him. Test pulls the turnbuckle pad off so the referee has to fix it. He gets a chair, Stacy takes it and accidentally nails Scott with it. The big boot ends it. Steiner would turn heel the next night and team with Test and “share” Stacy, which is what Stacy wanted in the first place, making this entirely pointless.

Rating: D. Not much here at all. This just wasn’t interesting and could very easily have been done on Raw. That’s a common problem with the single brand shows as there simply wasn’t enough talent to go around to support a 3 hour PPV show with PPV quality matches. That’s a bad sign and you’ll see more of it later on.

Ad for a Trish DVD.

Ross, you look like an idiot in that jersey. You really do.

We recap Shawn vs. Orton. It’s Legend vs. Legend Killer. What more explanation do you need here? It’s weird seeing Orton being all cocky like this. To say he was awesome in this roll is an understatement. Shawn says he’s a millionaire in this package. How did he lose that in I believe 5 years to the point where he needed JBL’s money?

Randy Orton vs. Shawn Michaels

We’re in the Evolution Era here so Flair is with Orton. There’s no Batista though due to an injury but he would be back very soon. They do some decent mat stuff to start which isn’t something you see out of Orton that often. Shawn is being goofy here as he does the whole lounging on the top rope bit which is always funny for some reason. We hear a lot about Orton vs. Foley which I can’t wait to get to as that was a great feud that went on for a long time.

Orton skins the cat which has to be the best name for an over the top return to the ring spot not involving the feet hitting the floor or the top rope ever. I mean what else comes close to it? Shawn counters a double axe off the top into an atomic drop. Then he skins the cat just to be a jerk like only he can be. Now he dives off the top. In case you can’t tell, Shawn is dominating here. There’s a German, which I can’t remember Shawn using otherwise.

I love when guys throw out random moves because they’re perfect. Why do you have to use a signature move when something you don’t do a lot is far more convenient ‘and makes more sense? The only answer I can think of is because it’s how the WWE tells them to do. Guys like Shawn can get away with it because they’re guys like Shawn. Flair interferes like an annoying pest and sets up Orton to be able to work on the arm. Orton does a nice job of controlling the arm.

Pay no attention to that though as we literally are getting the life story of Shawn Michaels for the last 2 minutes or so. We hear about how great he was when he was champion and how many big guys he beat and all that jazz. The attention that he got back then was maddening. Seriously with all the heart that Shawn has he really should see a cardiologist. That big of a heart can’t be normal. He goes insane and beats up Orton on the floor as you can more or less feel Flair getting ready to run in.

Before I even finish that line he does but it doesn’t matter. RKO gets two and MICHAELS IS EPIC! Ross, the brilliant football mind that he is, calls then Florida coach RON Zook JOHN Zook. Oh look: it’s Flair again. The elbow hits and we hear more about HEART. Is he Ma-Ti from Captain Planet or something?

He nips up and the kick connects. He gets the pin but Flair puts his foot on the ropes because he’s EVIL. The referees back in the day were freaking IDIOTS. Orton pops Shawn with a foreign object and gets the pin. Sweet goodness the referees sucked at times.

Rating: B-. Solid match here, but I’m still in awe of the idiocy of the referee. That and having Flair interfering in this about a thousand times was just annoying. Flair became such a pest in this time and would never really stop. The match worked quite well though as Shawn was still great at this point having not broken down again. To be fair he didn’t do that at all so there we go. This was good though but idiocy and annoyance hurt it.

Jericho says he’ll stop Steve Austin’s tyranny. He’s a mentor to La Resistance for no apparent reason.

Molly Holly/Gail Kim vs. Trish Stratus/Lita

This feud is more or less about Molly and Gail being jealous of Lita and Trish being insanely popular. Standard stuff to put it mildly. Molly is Women’s Champion here and is actually looking good. Lita was out for almost a year because of a broken neck and now wears khaki shorts. Yep she’s gorgeous. The non-famous girls jump them early and that doesn’t work at all.

This is Lita’s return match. Oh seriously who do you expect to win this? You have two girls that are about as middle of the road as possible and the first two women to main event Raw. Lita and Gail are the actual starters and Lita nips up as we hear about King having a vasectomy. Molly hooks a Dragon Sleeper on Trish which works about as well as you would expect it to. Gail is gorgeous. That’s all there is to it.

Now Gail does a Dragon Sleeper. Trish walks up the turnbuckles and backflips into a reverse DDT. FREAKING SWEET. Molly looks good as a brunette and in blue. Trish manages to beat up both girls on her own since Lita is bleeding from the mouth. Lita gets the mostly warm but partly cloudy with a 30% chance of showers tag. Trish knocks Gail to the floor and Lita hits the moonsault to get the win which was about as predictable as you could expect.

Rating: D+. This was exactly what you would expect here. Lita was indeed a huge deal as she and Trish were just flat out awesome around this point but the injury took her out for over a year. This was nothing more than a welcome home match and it did exactly what it was supposed to do: announce that Lita is still awesome.

We recap Shane vs. Kane which started because Austin went off on Kane and soon afterwards had his masked ripped off. He then went nuts and lit JR on fire and tombstoned Linda on the stage (any bets on how much her Senate opponent would love that clip?). Shane of course got the first feud with the newly psycho Kane because no one draws face pops like Shane.

Pay no attention to the fact that the crowd got bored out of their mind with this because they had like 3 PPV matches in a row. The problem was that Shane could never hurt Kane but he kept trying anyway. He even threw him into a pit of fire. So then Shane got handcuffed to the post and had his legs pinned down by the stairs.

Kane of course had jumper cables stashed by the ring along with a battery. He electrocuted Shane’s balls. That was the signature moment of this feud and it made a lot of people’s heads hurt. It’s a Last Man Standing match too.

Kane vs. Shane McMahon

Shane jumps Kane in the aisle with a chair and it’s on. That’s about 9 shots with it including a jumping one to the head. Shane wisely goes for the knee. That’s smart if nothing else so there we go. This is all Shane so far so I can’t imagine that it’ll last much longer. The beating I mean, as I can’t imagine this is going to be short. Kane’s back is bleeding but he catches Shane in a powerslam from a jump off the barrier that looked pretty bad. Hey I was right as it’s all Kane now.

Shane gets up at 9 from the chokeslam and then Kane kicks the referee in the face by mistake. Kane talks about Shane’s mom, which today would get him on a cable news show. He tries a tombstone on the steps but it gets blocked. Shane sets up the steps on Kane in the corner. Pay no attention to the fact that we already saw that they are hollow as he kicks the bottom of them into Kane’s face with the Coast to Coast. No ref though. Look at my big sad face.

Actually it is sad because it means this goes on. This is NOTHING compared to Shane vs. Angle from the 02 KOTR, but then again not much is. Both guys are down so we get a double count which I don’t think makes sense but whatever. We’re in the aisle now which sounds like a really bad song name for some reason. Shane goes into the set and it sounds loud. That’s about the extent of its good quality. So hey let’s do it again. Then three more of them.

We get it: Shane has heart. What is the deal with the big hearts in this company? I think the Wellness Policy needs a new amendment. This was during the time where the announcers set up by the entrance, so Kane puts Shane beneath the platform they sit on and dumps their table onto Shane. Sure why not. And then he laughs.

See the sentence two before this one. Shane is of course fine and up within about a second, blasting Kane in the head. He uses a boom camera to blast Kane which of course doesn’t work either. Shane chokes him with a cord and knocks him out in front of the set which has a ladder attached. He jumps. He misses. The match ends.

Rating: D+. This was just boring. The bumps are decent at best and Shane is almost always fun to watch, but dang man. There was just NO drama here. When Shane fought Angle, there was a real feeling that Shane could beat him. I know it was unlikely, but there was this feeling that he could pull it off and he got very close a few times. This just didn’t have it and 19 minutes is FAR too long. Not very good, but it’s not a nightmare by any sense of the word. This would go on until Survivor Series.

Shane takes forever to get taken out on a stretcher.

Jericho and Austin talk. Jericho was trying to get in Austin’s head for a long time but of course it never worked. Austin says if Jericho has a problem to take his best shot.

Intercontinental Title: Christian vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Chris Jericho

Christian has the belt here. He beat up both guys when they were having a triple threat match so Austin made it a triple threat. The Canadians made a pact before the match to take out RVD. I’d bet against that working. This is a smark dream match today. Ross says RVD is the best to never be the world champion. How did Heyman never put the belt on him? I can understand being shaky in WWF, but come on. In ECW? SERIOUSLY?

The double teaming actually works to start us off. And so much for that as RVD fights them off. And we’re into math world now. We get RVD vs. Jericho for a bit until Christian gets back up. He wasn’t very good at all yet and was just this young guy that got on people’s nerves. Think of Heath Slater but with short hair and a higher coolness to him. The partnership actually works fairly well here. Ross even calls it a modified handicap match.

That kind of makes sense but whatever. Wow it’s weird seeing Nick Patrick working for the WWE. The crowd isn’t exactly enthralled here. Ross points out that you can’t get counted out in a triple threat. Unless you’re trying to become #1 contender in TNA. We’re told that Shane is going to the hospital. Naturally he’d be on Raw the next night. Jericho took the tape off to choke Van Dan with and he looks weird with a bare arm.

Christian has been gone forever now. After RVD is in the Walls forever, Christian makes his untriumphant return and beats on Jericho, ending the partnership that never was. They would have a solid feud next year though so maybe this is foreshadowing. I love that jumping back elbow for some reason. Christian gets crotched on the top which sounds REALLY bad. The referee counts again and Ross questions why. I bet TNA paid him off.

In a cool spot, RVD hits a drop toehold on Christian to have him on Jericho and then hits a Five Star on both of them, but he doesn’t get a cover for no apparent reason. In an AMAZING looking visual, Jericho is on the top rope and Van Dam hooks an electric chair and Christian comes underneath to add a powerbomb.

The thing is that given how the other two guys were positioned, it looked like an actual powerbomb which looked incredible. Christian gets the belt and holds it in place to have RVD land on it in another Five Star, which is enough to pin Van Dam.

Rating: D+. This got TWENTY MINUTES. Now today it’s a classic. At this point though it’s just a bad idea. Christian was a glorified jobber at this point as he wasn’t ready to hold the title yet. Jericho was in a really weird funk and RVD was his usual hit or miss self. If you cut this in half it goes through the roof, but there were far too many dead spots in this.

HHH talks about fairy tales. He was just horrible at this point.

We recap Coach/Snow vs. Ross/Lawler. Yes, that’s the next match. They’re feuding because the former two want to host Raw so they’re trying to take over. They host Heat if that makes sense. Yep, this is a match.

Jim Ross/Jerry Lawler vs. Al Snow/Jonathan Coachman

The winner to do the announcing for Raw. Yes, they asked people to pay $34.95 for this. There’s no commentary for this. I think I can get by without the extra jokes somehow. The wrestlers start and Lawler kind of botches a rollup. Ok then. The lack of commentary is weird here but then again I’m watching Ross and Coach on PPV. You can hear them shouting at each other a lot better which is weird to hear.

That might be Ross’ big mouth though so there we are. Snow “hits” a clothesline and I say that in the weakest sense of the word hit. Snow, being younger and better at this point, dominates as we’re just waiting on the other guys to come in and make it a comedy match. Coach is the team captain apparently. Oh dear. There’s the piledriver on Snow and JR does commentary from the apron. The foot gets to the ropes but Snow sold that like he had an anvil fall on his head so I can’t complain there.

And it’s Coach time, which has even Snow wondering what the heck he’s doing. As usual, Lawler’s offense is shall we say limited? The middle rope punch hits but Snow makes the save. Ross gets a blind tag and the referee is fine with it I guess. He beats up Coach for awhile and I see why he stayed in the booth for his career.

Coach keeps shouting not in the face which is funny. And here’s Jericho to kick Ross in the head and let Coach and Snow become the Raw announcers tomorrow. Ross would beat Coach in 8 days to get the sanity back. Jericho says this is to get back at Austin for no apparent reason.

Rating: F. Seriously, do I need to explain why this going on for 8 minutes was a bad idea? It was mainly Al Snow vs. Jerry Lawler and someone thought this was a good idea. Here’s the thing: no one really cares about announcers in a national company. Wait scratch that. They do care about them, but only the way they sound. We don’t want to see them in the ring other than a once a year match from Lawler in Memphis. That’s it. Now stop doing this nonsense.

We recap Goldberg vs. HHH which is more or less that Goldberg knows he can beat HHH and HHH knows he can’t beat Goldberg so he keeps hiding. He used the sledgehammer at Summerslam to keep it in the Elimination Chamber. It’s title vs. career here. Let’s get this over with.

Raw World Title: Goldberg vs. HHH

Also if HHH loses by countout or disqualification he loses the belt. Ross and Lawler are back for commentary here. Ross of course can’t remember when the stakes were ever higher. I love hyperbole in wrestling. This is nut cutting time apparently. Ok then. Ross says he has to mat wrestle Goldberg to keep the title. I thought he had to win the match to retain. Then again I’m no professional.

Goldberg in the shorts never worked. Also they remixed his music for no apparent reason at all. HHH still had a groin injury here so he’s wearing long shorts which look weird. We even get referee instructions. Lawler says it doesn’t get any bigger than this. Again, yeah it does. It’s a power match to start, which despite his huge muscles, HHH has never been portrayed as one other than the spinebuster. The Pedigree certainly isn’t a power move.

Goldberg of course wins it as we’re told that HHH is 4-0 at Unforgiven. Ross and Lawler are rather chipper for guys that just lost their jobs. This match is of course awkward as their styles just clash completely. WWE just had no idea how to use Goldberg. He was a monster but they had him lose far too much and be hurt far too much. They just didn’t get it and it never really worked. The spear eats knee and HHH takes over.

So despite everything that Goldberg has taken over the years, a knee to the head stops him. Sure why not. There’s a Figure Four. I get that Flair is great, but does he have to get so many freaking tributes to him? In a cool power spot, Goldberg catches the knee of HHH on a kneedrop. He just puts his hands up and blocks the knee of a 270+ pound guy, not even factoring in force, the jump that HHH did to get there, the velocity and momentum and the height he got.

That’s so ridiculously over the top that it’s AWESOME. HHH is busted open after going into the steps. And what would a main event be without a ref bump? HHH gets a sledgehammer shot to the jaw which likely should kill Goldberg but he’s up in like 3 seconds and hits the spear. The Jackhammer gives him the title clean.

Rating: D+. This was just generic. It could have been the main event of any big Raw minus the title change. Also, I know Goldberg was a big star but he just doesn’t fit in here at all. They try to make this a huge thing but it just isn’t. More than anything else they just wanted to get the belt off of HHH who had held it since like January. This just had nothing at all going for it though and just wasn’t interesting at all. Not bad from a technical standpoint, but just not a good match at all.

Overall Rating: D. There’s just nothing very good here. The thing isn’t that it’s a bad show. It’s not horrible or one of the worst shows ever or anything, but it’s just really weak. There’s nothing worth paying anything to see as all of these matches have either been done better at other shows or aren’t all that interesting to begin with.

Orton continuing his rise to greatness is about all that’s worth anything here. Again, the matches aren’t horrible, but there’s just no reason to want to watch them. Definitely not recommended.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews

Smackdown
Date: November 2, 2012
Location: Crown Coliseum, Fayetteville, North Carolina
Commentators: Josh Matthews, John Bradshaw Layfield

We’re in the Big Show Era here and for the life of me I’m not entirely sure why. Sheamus was doing ok as champion (other than the three months that Del Rio sucked the life out of him) so they put the title on Big Show of all people? At least the match was good though so that helps a bit. Other than that we’re going to have to speed through the build to Survivor Series in three weeks. Let’s get to it.

We start with a kind of commercial for the show, talking about what we’re going to see. Most of it is related to Raw of course, because being bored by that stuff on Monday isn’t enough anymore.

We open with MizTV and Miz talks about Ryback a bit before moving on to Sheamus getting knocked out. Sheamus is the guest tonight and as he comes to the ring, we see another clip from Raw of Sheamus hitting White Noise on Big Show. Miz asks Sheamus about being a loser, but Sheamus asks him about losing to Kofi on Sunday. Miz says the difference between the two of them is that he can beat Kofi and will do it again to get back the IC Title. Sheamus agrees that he’s never beaten Big Show but he’s not going to hide.

Miz cuts him off and says he doesn’t want to hear cliched stock answers. See, it’s Miz that can be blamed for Sheamus losing the title. He won the match at Wrestlemania that got Johnny Ace power, which led to Show getting his job back, which led to Show’s change in attitude, which led to Show winning the title. Sheamus: “So it’s you whose head I should be kicking off?” Miz backs off and says he’ll win his title back from Kofi.

Before Miz can say his catchphrase, here’s Kofi. Kofi says Miz hasn’t been on the Real World in awhile, but apparently Kofi has kicked the sense out of Miz, because Miz can’t beat him. Miz says he’ll beat Kofi at Survivor Series, but here’s Big Show for another interruption. He isn’t happy with Miz taking credit for Show’s victory, so he’s siding with Kofi in saying there’s something wrong with Miz. Why is Sheamus getting interviewed instead of the new champion? Why ask Sheamus what it’s like to get knocked out when you can ask Show what it’s like to knock him out.

Miz asks him just that but as Show starts talking about euphoria, Sheamus cuts him off and asks what it felt like to take White Noise on Monday. Show laughs it off and says no rematch at Survivor Series. Miz tries to jump Kofi and is immediately knocked to the floor. I’m pretty sure you can figure out the main event already.

After a break, Big Show is in the back and runs into Booker who makes the tag match with the four guys in the opening segment.

Sin Cara vs. Darren Young

Things start fast and Cara spins Young around with a rana and armdrag off the middle rope. Darren wisely slows things down and hits a neckbreaker for two. Off to a chinlock but Cara fights up and grabs a small package for two. Back to the chinlock by Darren which doesn’t work again as Sin fights up and hits a middle rope dropkick to take over. A jumping back elbow gets two for the dude in the mask but Young knees him in the ribs to put Cara right back down. The gutbuster gets the pin for Young at 3:37.

Rating: D+. Not bad here but the time hurts it. It’s nice to see these guys doing something other than having the same tag match over and over again as it’ll keep the feud somewhat fresher. I’m still amazed by how much better Young and O’Neil are than when they were on NXT, just by doing some stupid dance.

Post match Titus starts blowing on a whistle and talks about beating on a pinata in the ring. Those little dogs tried to get in the ring with some big dogs and Titus is going to give another little dog that chance. He calls out Mysterio and we’re getting another match. Before we get to that, quick sidebar about something Titus said: regarding pinatas, is there a more bizarre tradition ever for children? “Here son, here’s your favorite cartoon. NOW BEAT HIM WITH A STICK UNTIL HE BREAKS IN HALF AND EAT WHAT FALLS OUT OF HIM!”

Rey Mysterio vs. Titus O’Neil

We get the bell after a break and Rey fires off kicks to the leg. Titus gets in a single shot to knock Rey down and the beating begins. A slam gets two for Titus and it’s time to stand around. O’Neil misses a running boot to Rey who was against the ropes. The partners fight on the floor as Titus catches the 619. He takes Rey to the corner and gets down in a three point stance, only to hit the middle buckle, allowing Rey to roll him up for the pin at 2:55.

Cara and Rey do the Players’ dance on the stage.

We get a recap video from the end of the PPV with Maddox hitting Ryback low to give Punk the pin, followed by the Shell Shock on top of the Cell.

Maddox will be on Raw on Monday.

We get the full ending segment from Raw, starting with Heyman introducing Miz as Punk’s first team member.

Teddy and Booker are in the back and Teddy thinks there’s going to be mutiny in the Raw locker room. Natalya comes in and wants to be the assistant since Eve is on the European tour. Otunga comes in and says he’ll do anything Booker needs. Booker says he needs Otunga to compete against a returning superstar. Otunga says ok but Booker says it’s Great Khali. Otunga spits his coffee on Nattie. After an insult from Otunga, more coffee goes flying at Teddy. This was supposed to be comedy I believe.

Wade Barrett vs. Randy Orton

Del Rio is on commentary. While Orton is doing his pose on the ropes, Del Rio tries to run in and jump him, only to get knocked right to the floor. Ricardo rams Orton into the post and a double beatdown ensues as we take a break. Back and the scheduled match is in progress with Orton clotheslining Barrett to the floor. They head back in with Barrett taking Orton down upon reentry.

Wade chokes away on the middle rope and does the same on the top rope so it doesn’t feel left out. There’s the running big boot while Orton is sitting on the middle rope, knocking him back to the floor. After ramming Randy into the steps a few times, it’s back inside for ye olde chinlock. Orton tries a comeback with a belly to back suplex but immediately after taking Barrett down with it, Wade kicks him in the ribs to slow Randy back down.

They slug it out and Orton takes over, which even Josh thinks is very surprising given that Barrett is a bareknuckle fighter. Barrett comes back with a kick to the face and a middle rope elbow for two. Back to the reverse chinlock followed by Barrett slamming him down. Wade goes up for another elbow but Orton crotches him and hits a superplex to put both guys down. Orton busts out some clotheslines and the powerslam followed by the Elevated DDT. Before the RKO can be loaded up, Del Rio shows up on the stage. Orton has to knock Ricardo to the floor and Wade gets a rollup win at 8:43 shown.

Rating: C+. The match was pretty good here but I’d like for Barrett to be more than a prop in someone else’s feud, which is all he is anymore. These two have fought three times now and have alternated wins every time. It’s hard to get behind either guy, especially when Barrett isn’t even getting any of the focus. Has he even gotten an entrance in any of the matches?

We get the segment from Raw of everyone talking about breast cancer and a clipped down version of Cena presenting the million dollar check to the Susan G. Komen Foundation.

Striker asks Alberto why he keeps tormenting Orton. Orton comes up from behind and they brawl. They head to the catering table and Orton throws hot coffee on Ricardo. Once Alberto is down, Randy pours what looks like barbecue sauce on Rodriguez as well. Alberto gets thrown over a table. The desserts are spared and when Del Rio runs away, Striker tries to talk to Randy, earning him a trip into a cake. When did Striker become the whipping boy of Smackdown?

Great Khali vs. David Otunga

Khali recently had to have some kind of surgery on his brain so it’s a good thing to see him back. During Otunga’s entrance, we actually recap the scene that set this match up. Teddy and Nattie having coffee spat on them deserved a recap? Seriously? Otunga takes him down but Khali chops him from his knees. More chopping in the corner follows and Natalya is watching in the back. Khali misses a boot but comes back with the big chop for the pin at 1:35.

Post break Natalya thanks Khali for beating up Otunga. They shake hands and Nattie thinks his hands are big. Ok then.

R-Truth vs. Justin Gabriel

Feeling out process to start and Truth starts gyrating. Gabriel avoids a shot of his own and gyrates a bit as well. Truth hits the spinning forearm for two but Gabriel dropkicks him down and kicks away a bit. Off to a chinlock by Justin as JBL is talking about Shawn Michaels. A spin kick puts Truth down and since it worked so well the first time, Justin does it again. Gabriel tries a springboard I’m assuming clothesline but Truth ducks out of the way and hits Little Jimmy for the pin at 3:23.

Rating: D+. Wasn’t Gabriel supposed to get a push? Now he’s losing to R-Truth clean of all people? This was a rather random match between two faces with no tease of either guy turning or anything. This whole show has felt like it doesn’t need to exist and this is another match that would fit on the same list. It wasn’t bad or anything though.

ANOTHER recap from Raw, this time about the AJ/Vickie/Cena/Ziggler segment. You know, WWE’s PG version of TNA’s horrible Clair Lynch story.

Show tells Miz to follow his lead tonight because Show is in charge out there.

We recap Alberto and Ricardo costing Orton the match earlier as well as the brawl. Next week on the live Smackdown (as in taped earlier in the day) it’s Del Rio vs. Orton in a falls count anywhere match. In other words, the Barret matches meant nothing at all.

Sheamus/Kofi Kingston vs. Big Show/The Miz

During Sheamus’ entrance, we get I believe the sixth video from Raw of the night, this one being Sheamus hitting White Noise on Show. Didn’t we see that already? Miz and Show keep changing places to decide who faces Sheamus. It’s eventually Miz with Sheamus hammering away to start in the corner. I’m so used to calling Sheamus the champ but I can’t do that anymore, so it’s just Sheamus working on the arm.

Off to Kofi who comes in off the top with a shot to the arm, only to be clotheslined down by Miz. Kofi hits the same move to knock Miz to the floor, followed by a suicide dive to take over. Show and Sheamus stare at each other on the floor as well and we take a break. Back with Show slamming Kofi down before doing some amateur stuff (yes you read that right) to take Kofi to the mat.

A side slam puts Kofi down for the third time and Show keeps looking over at Sheamus. Off to Miz to work on the downed Kofi. A knee drop gets two and Miz puts on a reverse chinlock which doesn’t last long. Kofi tries to dive over Miz to get to Sheamus but the right route is apparently going through the legs instead. Sheamus gets the hot tag and destroys Miz, hitting a powerslam and the ten forearms in the ropes. The Regal Roll takes Miz down and it’s off to Kofi for his top rope cross body. Show gets knocked off the apron but as Kofi pounds on Miz in the corner, Show knocks him cold, giving Miz the pin at 6:42 shown of 10:12.

Rating: C-. Standard main event tag match here that wasn’t anything great. Thankfully Show didn’t lose in his first match as champion and Miz FINALLY pins Kofi to give us a reason to care about a fourth match between them. Other than that though, this was a pretty dull match with nothing significant happening at all.

Miz poses over Kofi post match and Sheamus kicks his head off. Well he was too busy yelling at the referee while Show punched Kofi so he had to do something good here.

Overall Rating: D-. This is officially a Raw supplemental show. They recapped EVERYTHING that happened on Raw and nothing here was anything new. Between meaningless matches (Gabriel vs. Truth and Khali vs. Otunga) and the same match we’ve seen on the last two TV shows which apparently is just to set up Del Rio vs. Orton again, what’s the point in watching Smackdown anymore? I certainly can’t think of why anybody would sit through this.

Results

Darren Young b. Sin Cara – Double Knee Gutbuster

Rey Mysterio b. Titus O’Neil – Rollup

Wade Barrett b. Randy Orton – Rollup

Great Khali b. David Otunga – Chop

R-Truth b. Justin Gabriel – Little Jimmy

Big Show/The Miz b. Kofi Kingston/Sheamus – Miz pinned Kingston after a WMD from Big Show

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews

No this isn’t about Vince McMahon’s sexual abilities in case you were thinking about it for some reason.  If you were, I beg of you to seek help.Why has no one used the Jackhammer as a finisher since Goldberg?  It’s a good power move but you only occasionally see it used in the middle of a match.  Goldberg hasn’t wrestled in eight and a half years, so why not use it?  It would be a good power move for someone instead of all of the neckbreakers and face first slams we get anymore.

I mentioned this in the review last night but it deserves its own mention here.Last night on Raw, we saw WWE rip off the Clair Lynch storyline that TNA ran a few months back.  We have Cena in the role of AJ Styles, being accused of an affair and having a plausible excuse for every piece of evidence presented to him.  Vickie is now playing the role of Kaz and Daniels as the accuser and AJ is playing a not-angry Clair Lynch.  This is the consensual PG version, but it’s the same story.

If this is the best they can come up with, they’re in trouble.

If you haven’t seen/read about Raw from last night and don’t want to be surprised, go check it out before you read this because there are heavy spoilers inside this.

This is one of those posts that isn’t going to make a ton of sense in a few months (hopefully), but for now it’s what’s on my mind. In short, Raw has been especially bad for weeks now and last night’s (this is October 30, 2012) was one of the worst episodes I can remember in years. Not that it was actively bad, but that it was so dull and counterproductive that it might as well not have existed. There were two major areas that are causing all these problems though, and today I’m going to use last night’s Raw as to illustrate this. Let’s get to it.

We’re going to go step by step through Raw (it won’t take long) and then I’ll get to my conclusion. My first major problem with Raw though is that NO FUN IS ALLOWED. The opening segment is about Ryback, a guy who at least got the crowd excited, getting the rug cut out from under him at the PPV. Want to cheer this guy who is unstoppable? WELL SCREW YOU! HE LOSES! Ryback gets to squash a jobber and the fans get to do his cheer.

Then we have Wade Barrett vs. Orton. This is going to be covered in the second major issue.

We go to Vickie and AJ in the back. Here we have Vickie laughing at AJ and making her beg for her job because of some affair and a romantic dinner. In other words, we have a person losing her job doing the thing she loves. This is a stretch, but in an economy like the United States is in today, talking about losing your job isn’t exactly going to thrill fans. Ignoring that though, this is another segment about stuff that isn’t fun (or interesting but that’s another discussion) and looks grim.

Next up is HELL NO vs. the Prime Time Players. This can be classified as laid back, but the most popular part of the champions, as in the comedy sketches they did, are long gone and they’re just arguing. This segment is a lot better than most of the stuff on the show but it’s not great.

Now we get a recap of the Punk/Ryback/referee stuff to further hammer it in.

Vickie calls Cena to the ring and we get the WWE version of the AJ/Claire Lynch story from TNA a few months back. This involves Cena being accused of having an affair with AJ (are either of them even married right now? Does it even qualify as an affair?) and having to explain away photos, videos, and jokes he makes. Ziggler comes out and gets shoved down as well. How is this supposed to be entertaining or something I want to see?

The next match is champion vs. champion with Antonio Cesaro vs. Kofi Kingston. This will also be covered in the second point.

And now we get to the exception that proves the rule: the 3MB, a goofy, WAY over the top band gimmick played by Jinder Mahal, Heath Slater and Drew McIntyre. This is presented in a Behind The Music segment where they refuse to play any music and act as stupid as possible. Remember this segment because it’s going to be referenced later. 3MB also wins a match over Ryder/Santino.

AJ beats Beth on a fluke after the cute and tiny AJ gets crushed by Beth for about two minutes. This is IMMEDIATELY changed because Vickie wants to torture AJ some more and Beth beats her in ten seconds.

Now we have Sheamus and Big Show talking about going to WAR with each other. Not a fight, not a battle, but war. SERIOUS don’t you know.

Then Cena tells AJ it’s ok. Vickie comes up and fires Beth for winning a match. Not only is it more serious and mean stuff, but it doesn’t make sense.

A long tag match follows with the fan favorites Sin Cara and Rey Mysterio losing to Rhodes and Sandow. Quick sidebar: the Rhodes Scholars is a cool name for a team. Team Rhodes Scholars sounds ridiculous.

After all that other stuff, let’s talk about CANCER! This goes on for about eight minutes with Cena presenting a check to a cancer charity. That’s a cool thing to do, but again it’s depressing, especially with the video reminding us that most people know someone who has suffered from breast cancer.

Then Justin Gabriel gets squashed by Alberto Del Rio. Remember last week when Gabriel had a good match and looked like he was being moved up the card? WELL SCREW YOU FOR GETTING EXCITED! HE HAS TO LOSE TO DEL RIO BECAUSE……WELL SOMEONE HAS TO! More on this later.

We close out the show with the announcements of the teams for the Survivor Series matches. Again, a serious subject for a main event which has nothing on the line but pride. Also, Punk gets to look like an idiot because he thinks Ryback isn’t in the match. Nice touch there guys.

This ends point one, so let’s look at the second point that is holding WWE back: nothing goes anywhere. Let’s again look through Raw for examples.

We’ll begin with Ryback. Ryback dominates for six months and then loses in his first major match because of a crooked referee. Why is he crooked? Why did he do it? That’s not important enough to address in the first show after it happened. Ryback appears to still be a factor in the main event, but the initial spark is gone and they can never get it back.

Now here we get to the main extreme of this issue: Wade Barrett vs. Randy Orton. Orton lost to Barrett on Smackdown, then tonight Orton beat Barrett. What does this accomplish? That’s not a rhetorical question. I honestly don’t know what the point of it is. Orton doesn’t look better than Barrett and Barrett doesn’t look better than Orton as they both come out 1-1. They’re both at the same place they were before this exchange of wins started and now Orton is back to facing Del Rio this Wednesday on Main Event. We’ve wasted a match that might make people want to pay money to see (don’t believe me? WWE ran it as a PPV main event before) twice in four days on free TV and no one gained anything from it.

Let’s talk about Barrett a little more while we’re on the subject because he’s an example of the crux of this whole problem. The following statement was written before HIAC and doesn’t involve Barrett, but it fits perfectly.

WWE wants to push let’s say Kofi. Kofi pins Miz and gets pushed. Well now Miz needs to get his heat back so let’s have him beat Brodus. Brodus looks weak now so have him get a fluke win over Del Rio. Del Rio is angry so he destroys Kofi.

Now we’re say two weeks later, everyone is 1-1 and no one is any stronger than they were when the whole cycle started. Then the cycle starts all over again and there’s no one to get behind because they’re all the same and no one of the four looks ready to move up because they’re the same as everyone else. Then Cena gets hurt and you get lucky that there’s one guy you haven’t jobbed out yet and the fans are getting behind. If Ryback wasn’t there, who in the world were they going to throw at Punk? Orton? Maybe? They need to fix this FAST so there are people to get behind. Stop worrying that these people are going to get hot and leave and enjoy them while you’ve got them there.

How many people does this apply to in WWE? Someone comes in hot, dominates for a few weeks, and then loses to someone else or is just not pushed anymore (think Brodus in the last month). This doesn’t do anyone any good and it’s a big part of why no one can ever seem to get any elevation on the roster anymore.

After that match we had the tag champions facing the Prime Time Players. Why? The Players lost clean at the PPV, so why should they get a chance to face the tag team champions? The titles weren’t on the line, but a win would have launched the Players up in the rankings, likely ahead of a team they lost to a single day ago. Bascially what is being said here is the match at the PPV meant nothing and Sin Cara and Mysterio’s win was worthless.

Cesaro vs. Kingston. This is another great example of the booking being worthless. The Miz was on commentary for this match and Cole constantly talked about how Kofi had beaten Miz three times in a row. The problem here can be summed up in a pair of simple questions: if Miz has lost to Kofi three times in a row, 1) why should I think he has a chance in the fourth match and 2) if Miz wins the fourth match, so what? It puts him at 1-3 in this series, yet by wrestling logic he’ll be declared the winner because he wins last. That’s never made sense to me but it’s how wrestling works.

The 3MB beats Marella/Ryder. Again this is fine as Marella/Ryder are jobbers and the 3MB are a new team (who lost their first match).

AJ vs. Beth Phoenix happened twice with AJ getting destroyed but winning the first match, then getting slammed and pinned in the second about 45 seconds later. Not only does AJ’s win mean nothing at all, but she looked bad in getting the win. This begs the question: why have the second match? “To have a reason to fire Beth.” Here’s another way to fire Beth: DON’T PUT HER ON TV AND RELEASE HER! As usual, WWE makes problems they don’t need to have.

Now it’s Sin Cara/Mysterio vs. the Scholars. Based on the match last night, it appears that the masked guys are getting a push, but now they lose to the Scholars? Easy solution: don’t have them fight. Put the Usos in there instead of the masked guys and have the masked guys beat the Players earlier. The masked guys still win, the Players lose, the Scholars win, and you have a potential big match saved for later. Also this puts the Scholars up 2-0 over the masked guys in two weeks, making any future matches look less interesting ala Miz vs. Kofi.

Remember earlier when I said WWE makes problems they don’t need to have? Gabriel vs. Del Rio is a great example of that. As I said earlier, Gabriel’s win last week looks to mean nothing now. Want to keep the idea of him getting pushed alive? Don’t have him fight here. With the roster WWE has, they don’t have ANYBODY else to put in there? Not Derrick Bateman or, I don’t know, A JOBBER? Yoshi Tatsu anyone?

Finally we get to the Survivor Series announcement. The teams are the usual idea of matching up feuds in an elimination match, but at the end of the day, this match means nothing. The team is called Team Foley, which AGAIN takes the focus off Ryback and puts it on someone else. This is what happened with Cena last week and it’s happening again here. Put SOMETHING on the match so that it means something. Ryback gets a rematch maybe?

So after looking at Raw last night, it’s clear that we have at least two problems: things are too serious, and the matches/booking go nowhere. Why would I want to watch this show? It’s not targeted to me, because stuff like affairs and managing supervisors and fake pictures don’t interest me whatsoever. They don’t interest children either, so who is this show marketed to?

In the review of the show, I mentioned the idea of comic relief. By that, I mean WWE needs to have something on their show where we can breathe for five minutes. Even the Divas have a big serious story going now with someone attacking Kaitlyn and blonde wigs and whatever else is going on. I know I criticized them a lot but sometimes you need good looking women in tiny outfits having bad matches for the sake of bad matches.

For an example of how this can be a problem, look at Wrestlemania 19 with me for a second. The last probably two hours or so are spent on the following in order (matches only):

Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho

HHH vs. Booker T (Raw World Title)

Hulk Hogan vs. Mr. McMahon

The Rock vs. Steve Austin

Brock Lesnar vs. Kurt Angle (Smackdown World Title)

That’s A LOT to sit through in a row. While the matches are all at least pretty good, they’re all big and sitting through four straight matches that could be called the main event of the show with no break is a lot to ask. For a comparison, let’s look at Wrestlemania X7’s final five matches.

Shane McMahon vs. Vince McMahon

TLC 2

Gimmick Battle Royal

Undertaker vs. HHH

The Rock vs. Steve Austin

By simply throwing in an easy match, you give the fans a chance to breathe (as well as go to a restroom and buy nachos and soda for the two big matches. No joke, that’s a good thing to do). If that portion of the Mania 19 card looked like this instead:

Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho

Hulk Hogan vs. Mr. McMahon

Chris Benoit/Rhyno vs. Los Guerreros vs. Team Angle (Smackdown Tag Titles)

The Rock vs. Steve Austin

Kurt Angle vs. Brock Lesnar (Smackdown World Title)

By having the Raw World Title moved earlier, that last stretch is MUCH easier to sit through. My point is exactly the same for Raw: give us something where we can turn our brains off and not have to be all focused. It doesn’t have to be comedy even. Just give us something simple that doesn’t mean much. Put out a simple Divas match or a Tyson Kidd match or whatever you like that can go nice and easy with zero thought from us. You have 8.5 hours of TV a week. I’m sure you can come up with five minutes to spare for something like this.

In short, Raw’s main problems are that it’s WAY too serious with no relief and the booking goes nowhere for various reasons. Why would I as a fan want to sit through three hours a week of wrestling that isn’t very entertaining, has no idea what its target audience is, and gives me zero reason to get behind almost anyone on its show? That’s not entertaining television, which is why Raw has been so awful the last few weeks, among other reasons of course.

Monday Night Raw
Date: October 29, 2012
Location: Time Warner Cable Arena, Charlotte, North Carolina
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jim Ross

It’s past HIAC and we’re on the way to Survivor Series now. Ryback got screwed over by the referee that Punk and Heyman yelled at a few weeks ago because of the botched call in the Cena match. Other than that we’ve got Big Show as Smackdown Champion in a decision I like the less I see it. I’m not sure what’s coming tonight but let’s get to it.

Here’s a very banged up champion (Punk) to open the show. He says everyone thought, nay they KNEW, that Punk would be just another victim (hi Taz) in the path of destruction of Ryback. Punk points at a lot of people and says they were wrong. He talks about beating all of the heroes the WWE fans have: Mysterio, Orton, Cena, and now Ryback. As for the referee last night, he had nothing to do with it and only took advantage of the situation. He talks about how awesome his reign is and how there’s no rematch with Ryback.

Cue Foley with an interruption that annoys Punk. Punk: “It’s a homeless guy who got misplaced by the storms in the northeast.” Foley talks about how Ryback left Punk laying on top of the Cell and Punk wants to know why Foley is here. Mick talks about how he told Punk to make himself famous in the Cell instead of cheating again. Punk says that the bandages on his body are the results of doing what Foley told him to do.

Punk rips into the audience a bit and says that the belt is what represents tradition for the last 344 days. The champ throws out the idea of Team Foley vs. Team Punk at Survivor Series and Foley says you’re on. Cue Ryback and Punk runs. No word on if Foley is wrestling in the match or not.

Ryback vs. JTG

Meathook, Shell Shock, 1:58. A lot of that was JTG walking around and a Thesz Press into the head smashes into the mat.

Post match Ryback…..talks? He says that revenge is an admission of pain. He isn’t hurt and the next time he feasts, it will be on Punk. FEED ME PUNK.

Wade Barrett vs. Randy Orton

Is there some rule that says if you have one match, you have to have it again on the next TV show? Orton dropkicks Wade to the floor but Wade goes after the bad arm. Randy is like DRAMATIC STARE and rams Wade into the steps and the announce table. Back in and Orton hits the Circle Stomp followed by a clothesline to take Barrett to the floor. Uh oh, it’s been less than five minutes since we had a commercial, so let’s go to a break.

Back with Barrett holding an armbar followed by a different variety of an armbar (that’s a good thing) to have Orton in trouble. Wade cranks the arm and sends Orton down to the mat for two. There’s the big boot to Orton in the ropes which gets another two. Orton comes back with his usual stuff (clotheslines, powerslam, you know the deal) but after the Elevated DDT, the RKO is countered into the Winds of Change for two. Not that it matters as the second attempt at the RKO gets the pin at 10:11.

Rating: C. I like Barrett, but YET AGAIN he’s a guy that gets off to a hot start and then turns into cannon fodder for the established names. But hey, it’s his fault for not getting over right? To be fair, Barrett at least gets in a good deal of offense and never looks like a clueless putz out there. This was nothing compared to their match on Smackdown though.

We go to Vickie and AJ in the back with AJ possibly getting a job as a Diva back. Vickie asks what AJ thinks her weakness is and she says she gets too attached to her job. Vickie says that means you’re crazy right? AJ has to come up with a good reason to get her job back when Vickie gets back.

HELL NO vs. Prime Time Players

Lose on PPV, fight the champions on Raw. Makes sense. Bryan fires off kicks to Young to start but Kane tags himself in and beats on Darren a bit as well. Young takes over on Bryan as Cole called him Darren O’Neil. Bryan realizes he’s getting beaten up by Darren Young and makes the tag to Kane. The side slam sets up the top rope clothesline and a chokeslam kills Young. Titus is shoved to the floor and the NO Lock gets the tap from Young at 4:22.

Rating: D+. Total squash here as the Players, who three months ago seemed like the next champions, are now the tag team jobbers. At least the champions get to look good here which is the right idea for them. The bickering is still funny but I’d like a few more comedy bits from them which have just stopped happening anymore.

The champs argue post match.

We recap the opening promo.

We recap the history of Brad Maddox, with the guy being brought in as a referee when we needed more for the three hour shows. He messed up a count on Punk in a tag match and then somehow his next major appearance is refereeing a world title match in the main event of a PPV. Makes sense.

Here’s Vickie to talk about the new era on Raw. This would be the third new era on Raw this year if you’re counting. She has evidence of AJ and Cena’s inappropriate relationship and brings out Cena to present it. We get a clip from three weeks ago where Cena jokingly asked AJ out on a date. Cena talks about how he tells jokes all the time but Vickie has more footage of Cena hugging a crying AJ. Vickie shows us a still of Cena at dinner with AJ. Cena is wearing his t-shirt and there’s a candle.

The last video is Cena in his hotel doorway and Cena seemingly inviting AJ in. Apparently it was an elevator. Cena says it was nothing and they went their separate ways. Vickie laughs evil and insults AJ, but Cena defends her. FINALLY Ziggler comes out to hopefully make this something resembling interesting if you have 20/4000 vision and squint. Cena says don’t talk about him and AJ anymore and shoves Ziggler down. This felt like WWE ripping off the Claire Lynch story.

Antonio Cesaro vs. Kofi Kingston

Antonio makes fun of America having fat kids which is going to get worse because of Halloween. Miz is on commentary and neither title is on the line. Cole talks about how Kofi has beaten Miz three times in a row. Yet the feud looks to be continuing. You know: because THAT MAKES SENSE. Miz lists off his accomplishments as Cesaro slams Kofi down and double stomps him. After a chinlock goes on for a bit they head to the floor where Kofi throws Cesaro at Miz. Miz interferes for the DQ at 2:32.

The heels beat down Kofi post match until Truth makes the save.

Vickie continues to annoy AJ and offers to give AJ a job as a Diva if AJ admits to the affair. Vickie hires her back anyway and AJ gets to face Beth Phoenix tonight.

We go Behind the Music with 3MB. Mahal says he’s the fun one and Drew talks about his looks. They refuse to perform and THEY HAVE HAND SIGNS. This was so campy that it was AWESOME.

Santino Marella/Zack Ryder vs. 3MB

Drew is on the floor for this. Mahal and Ryder start things off with Ryder taking over. Mahal gets in a knee and it’s off to Slater who takes over. Ryder gets beaten on for awhile before Santino gets the tag. Everything breaks down and the match gets REALLY sloppy until Santino Cobras McIntyre, allowing Slater to hit MVP’s Play of the Day for the pin at 3:51.

Rating: D. It’s 9:37pm EST right now and 3MB has been by far and away the most entertaining thing on this show. Here’s why: it’s the only thing (other than maybe HELL NO) that isn’t being treated as the most serious thing on the planet. It’s something FUN, which is probably the biggest problem on Raw right now: everything is treated so seriously and it’s hard to sit through as it gets tiring after awhile. Sometimes it’s ok to just throw something light and silly out there and let the fans know they’re watching an entertainment show, not a high strung drama.

Jerry Lawler returns to Raw in two weeks. That’s awesome.

AJ vs. Beth Phoenix

Beth glares at AJ to start and says AJ should be scared. Beth shoves her and AJ goes nuts, but Beth slams her down onto the mat. AJ gets her face rubbed into the mat and we head to the floor. AJ gets rammed into the barricade but back inside she grabs a rollup for the pin at 2:08.

Vickie comes out post match and demands more from AJ. Beth jumps her so Vickie says restart the match. Glam Slam gets the pin in like ten seconds.

Video on WWE 13.

Here’s Sheamus sans belt for the first time in months. He says that he’s got a smile on his face but no title. Show was the better man last night but it took two knockout punches to do it. He didn’t come to WWE to win all the time. He came here to fight. Last night was the greatest fight of his life and Big Show won. The war is far from over though and he wants a rematch with Big Show. After the war is over, he’ll be smiling and still champion.

Cue Big Show who is very happy to have the title back. He says that the fight last night took him to levels that he didn’t know he could reach and thinks that no one can beat him. If Sheamus fights him again, it’s going to take more than Sheamus has to win. Sheamus can’t beat him and he’ll never take the title from him. He calls Sheamus a ginger snap, so Sheamus picks him up and hits White Noise with ease. That’s scary power.

Cena is with AJ in the back and says it’ll be ok. Cena leaves and Vickie pops up to yell at….Beth. Vickie FIRES Beth because the match shouldn’t have needed to be restarted. That’s how they’re writing her off TV I guess.

Rhodes Scholars vs. Sin Cara/Rey Mysterio

Cara and Sandow start things off and Damien is quickly frustrated. Off to Cody who gets kicked by both guys and covered for two by Rey. The Scholars cheat and take over on Rey but the masked dudes start cheating as well. Cara hits a PERFECT Asai Moonsault to take Cody out as Rey hits a seated senton off the apron on Sandow as we take ANOTHER FREAKING BREAK.

Back with Damien tagging in Cody to work on the down Sin Cara. A long delayed gordbuster gets two for Cody and it’s time for arm work. Damien comes in and does nothing but Cara reverses an Alabama Slam into a sunset flip for two. Cara’s spinning mat slam puts Cody down and there’s the hot tag to Rey. Rey speeds things up but gets sent to the floor where the Scholars double team him to take over. Sandow comes in and hits the Wind Up Elbow before tagging back to Rhodes.

Rey counters a double suplex into a double DDT and there’s the tag to Cara. Cara hits a top rope cross body on Rhodes and an enziguri on Sandow for two before going to the floor with Cody. Everything breaks down and Cody pulls Sandow out of the way of a Swanton from Cara, allowing Sandow to hit the Terminus for the pin at 14:43.

Rating: C-. Not a bad match here but it’s the weekly match that gets extended because we can only stretch out so many recaps and stupid segments. The match was fine, but was there any reason to have the masked guys lose tonight? Why not have them off the card, have Santino/Marella lose here, and have some other random team put the Band over? It’s like you could keep the masked guys hot and put the Scholars over at the same time!

Foley is playing a video game when Heyman comes up and they banter about the Survivor Series match a bit.

Video on breast cancer. Make that a long one about it. Eh it’s the last show of the month with this stuff. The roster (most of it) comes on stage and Cena presents a check to the Susan G Komen Foundation in the amount of one million dollars. Ok that’s awesome. The people from the foundation speak a bit.

Justin Gabriel vs. Alberto Del Rio

Alberto pounds him down to start but Gabriel comes back with a corner clothesline. Gabriel sends him to the floor but Del Rio wrenches Gabriel’s arm to take over. Off to an arm hold as Ricardo yells at a Hogan fan at ringside. A suplex puts Gabriel down and it’s back to the arm hold. Del Rio kicks him in the back a bit and puts the hold on for a third time. Gabriel comes back and hits his top rope Lionsault but it’s the armbreaker for the tap at 5:20.

Rating: D+. Gabriel beats the US Champion last week, loses to him last night, then gets squashed tonight. All those fans that looked at Gabriel as something new, SCREW YOU! HE’S A LOSER! That’s the WWE idea anymore: keep people looking weak even if they’re big names, because only a few people are allowed to stay pushed.

Here are Heyman and Punk to announce the Survivor Series teams. Punk comes out in a WWE 13 video game hoodie. A big banner comes down with the cover of the game on it. Heyman has been asked to pick Team Punk, so his first name is The Miz. He’s also picked the Rhodes Scholars and Alberto. If it’s not clear at this point who most of Foley’s team is (assuming he’s not wrestling), you need to pay better attention.

Punk runs his mouth a bit before Foley cuts him off again. Foley says Punk weaseled his way out of the Cell last night instead of surviving. He has no problem referring to Punk as champion, but he does have a problem addressing him as a man. Foley’s team is about what you would expect: Kofi (no belt), HELL NO (no belts either), Orton and….Punk starts running his mouth when he thinks Foley is the fifth man. Since….you know what, screw the joke. Ryback is the fifth man, Punk is suddenly an IDIOT that didn’t see that coming, and a brawl (Punk runs from Ryback) won by Team Foley with Cody getting killed by Ryback ends the show.

Overall Rating: D. This was another bad three hour Raw which is the norm. I’m not going to go into full details of why I didn’t like this Raw as I don’t have the time right now to get into everything in depth, but for now, we’ll go with this: you may have heard of something called comic relief. Think about that term for a second.

It’s comedy used to take pressure off something. That’s what this show is dying for right now. Other than the 3MB and maybe HELL NO, everything is serious. We’ve got people fighting to keep their jobs, accusations of affairs, war, and CANCER. It’s ok to do something stupid every now and then and it can really make things better. In short, lighten up already. It’s not the most serious show in the world.

I know that’s not much to go on, but I’ll be back tomorrow (or Wednesday) with a much more in depth look at what I think is wrong with WWE and Raw in particular.

Results

Ryback b. JTG – Shell Shock

Randy Orton b. Wade Barret – RKO

HELL NO b. Prime Time Players – NO Lock to Young

Kofi Kingston b. Antonio Cesaro via DQ when Miz interfered

3MB b. Santino Marella/Zack Ryder – Spinning Neckbreaker to Marella

AJ b. Beth Phoenix – Small Package

Rhodes Scholars b. Sin Cara/Rey Mysterio – Terminus to Cara

Alberto Del Rio b. Justin Gabriel – Cross Armbreaker

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews

ECW on Sci-Fi
Date: October 31, 2006
Location: Bradley Center, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Commentators: Joey Styles, Tazz

It’s Halloween (ish) and the main story is that Van Dam can challenge for the world title anytime he wants. Things are starting to pick up a bit around here, but the Test/Holly stuff is dragging it WAY down. Striker isn’t much either but he’s not terrible as a character. We’re inching closer to December to Dismember and it’s the go home show for Cyber Sunday 2006 as well. Let’s get to it.

We open with a long recap of the main event from last week. Why would Heyman give ROB VAN DAM a LADDER match to get his world title shot?

Here’s Heyman in the back with something to say. Apparently Van Dam has picked December To Dismember for his title shot, but Heyman says that the stipulations were never named. They’ll be two of the six men in the first ever EXTREME ELIMINATION CHAMBER!!! Oh dear goodness…..not that. Please?

Theme song.

Tonight it’s Van Dam/Holly vs. Show/Test.

Extreme Elimination Chamber Qualifying Match: Sabu vs. Kevin Thorn

There are various people in Halloween costumes at ringside but they’re no one in particular. Sabu takes out the leg of Thorn and quickly knocks him out to the floor. Sabu hits part of a flip dive to the outside and a slingshot splash back into the ring. Thorn comes back with a sitout powerbomb and it’s off to a chinlock. Sabu will have none of that and comes back with a pair of springboard elbows for two. An Ariel distraction allows Thorn to clothesline Sabu out of the air for two but Kevin walks into a springboard DDT for a delayed two. Another slingshot legdrop sets up the camel clutch to send Sabu to the Chamber.

Rating: C. This was a quick match to send Sabu to the Chamber. Thorn never quite worked and was never pushed as a top guy on ECW, so it’s not like this is a big loss for him. For a TV opener though this was fine and the ECW fans still love Sabu, so there was never any doubt at all as to who was winning.

Sandman talks about how he’s going to get the match against Umaga when a clown (not Doink) comes by and gets beaten up with some cane shots. Ok then.

The Marine stuff because we can’t go a week without hearing about it. Now they’re talking about the alligators in the movie, I kid you not.

Tazz gives Joey a noose for Halloween. This show is getting creepier every minute.

Daivari vs. Shannon Moore

This is Daivari and Khali returning after about three months off all WWE TV. Daivari cranks on the arm to start and gets two off a slam. They slug it out and after a quick burst of offense from Shannon, a DDT gets the pin for Daivari.

Khali destroys Shannon post match.

RVD isn’t worried about the Chamber and isn’t surprised that Heyman would pull this. He looks rather stoned here. Holly comes up and talks about the back injury he had a few weeks ago. They’re partners tonight. He says he’s got RVD’s back tonight in a nice pun.

It’s time for an ECW Diva Halloween Costume Contest. There are only three chicks in it: Kelly, Trinity and Ariel. Trinity is in her usual attire: a thong and topless other than caution tape in certain areas. Ariel is in her usual attire and admits it’s not a costume. Kelly is….CM Punk? Yep that’s apparently right. Since she’s the only one in what you would call a costume, she should win but come on: Trinity is in caution tape and that’s it. Thankfully, Trinity wins by a landslide. Apparently she’s a crime scene. Ok then.

Post contest Mike Knox comes out to yell at Kelly. Punk makes the save and beats down Knox.

After a break Knox challenges Punk to a match next week.

We look at the people in costumes again. There are a few whose faces you can’t see.

Rob Van Dam/Hardcore Holly vs. Big Show/Test

Test and Van Dam get things going with Test choking away in the corner via a boot. Van Dam avoids a charge in the corner but a middle rope cross body is caught. Rob escapes and kicks Test down but stops to jaw with Show. Another spin kick puts Test down and here’s Holly. Holly chokes in the corner a bit and gets a boot up in the corner to stagger Test again.

The fans are all over Big Show and it’s back to RVD. Test gets in a shot though and rams Van Dam into Show’s foot. For some reason there’s no tag though and Test is knocked to the outside. Rob charges into a forearm from the apron but cross bodies Test to the floor as we take a break. Back with the same match we had before we left and Test clotheslining Van Dam down for no cover.

Test chokes away in the corner and it would be nice to see a tag. Instead Test does Van Dam’s thumb point and gets caught with the stepover kick. There’s the tag to Holly and now it’s Big Show with the tag as well. After some basic kicks to the legs from Holly, Show goes into his usual offense, which means standing on Holly and doing basic moves that mean more because he’s huge.

A headbutt puts Holly down and it’s back to Test. Holly tries to fight out of an arm hold but Test runs him right back over. Show sits down on the arm Test was working over but misses a slow motion Vader Bomb. There’s the hot tag to Van Dam who goes toe to toe with Show and takes out the leg with a reverse chopblock. Rolling Thunder gets two as everything breaks down. The referee goes down as Holly hits the Alabama Slam on Test, only to get kicked in the face. Van Dam and Big Show head to the floor and a gorilla hits Van Dam in the back with a pipe. That and the chokeslam get the pin for Show on RVD.

Rating: C-. This was a watchable main event tag, but it ran nearly twenty minutes, which is a lot for a match featuring the four guys in here. I believe all four of them would wind up in the Chamber so this was kind of a preview for that. The costume was a bit pointless but it was Halloween after all so it’s understandable I guess.

Heyman is the gorilla.

Overall Rating: D+. This was all about starting the Chamber build which while sounding good on paper would wind up being a near disaster in execution. Either way, this wasn’t a horrible show overall, but it was a pretty weak time for the show at this point. Things would change huge after the PPV though.

Here’s Cyber Sunday if you’re interested:

http://kbwrestlingreviews.com/2012/10/28/cyber-sunday-2006-a-moment-that-always-makes-me-laugh/

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews

Hell in a Cell 2012
Date: October 28, 2012
Location: Phillips Arena, Atlanta, Georgia
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jim Ross, John Bradshaw Layfield

The main event here is Ryback vs. Punk and there’s one thing I love about it: I have no idea who is going to win. They really could go either way and as a big supporter of Rybac, I’d love to see it. The main event is in need of a major change, so why not Ryback? The main issue for him though is that the fans are going to have the Goldberg chants going on high tonight. The Sheamus vs. Big Show match should be good too. Let’s get to it.

On the preshow, here’s Cena to address the AJ/Vickie/Cena story. Apparently Vickie has evidence of the inappropriate relationship which she’ll show tomorrow on Raw. Tonight, Cena is answering questions from social media. The first questions is about him passing a torch to Ryback. Cena says no but he never had any fire to pass. A TOUT asks what advice Cena would give Ryback for the Cell tonight. Cena says that brute strength alone isn’t going to do it.

A Tweet asks if Cena could beat Ryback. Cena asks the fans who aren’t really clear on an answer. He does however say if Ryback wins the title, he’d love the first shot. Another TOUT is about what was Cena’s toughest match. Of course he says it’s the one against Rock. Cena wants another shot of course. This isn’t going anywhere is it? Another TOUT asks if Punk is the best in the world but Cena won’t say yes. Another TOUT is from Dolph Ziggler asks if Cena will tell the truth. Cena says the people should cheer Dolph because he used TOUT. If Dolph is here, why not just come out here and fight?

Here’s Dolph…..or make that Vickie. She says the fans are more confident in her than in Cena because Cena got his hand caught in the cookie jar. Ziggler finally charges and gets knocked right back to the floor. This was free on Youtube and I feel like I deserve a refund after sitting through it.

Now on to the actual show.

The opening video is about the two world title matches, just as it should be.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Randy Orton

That’s quite the opener. Orton immediately jumps Del Rio and we’re out on the floor very quickly. Alberto goes face first into the announce table and back inside we get the Orton Stomp. Orton stomps away in the corner until the referee pulls him off. Alberto throws him to the apron and rams the arm into the bar connecting the buckle to the post. Back in and Del Rio hooks a kind of armbar followed by something close to the armbreaker over the top rope.

Orton’s shoulder goes into the post and Randy is in big trouble. Alberto hooks a different kind of armbar to keep control. It’s nice to see the holds used being mixed up as watching the same stuff over and over again gets old in a hurry. Orton jumps over Del Rio out of the corner and grabs a rollup for two. Del Rio hits a DDT on the arm for two and puts on yet another kind of armbar, followed by another armbreaker over the rope. This time though Orton shoves Del Rio off and out to the floor. Basic storytelling and psychology there but it worked just as well.

Orton sets for the powerslam back inside but Del Rio hangs onto the ropes. More good psychology there as you can only have Orton or anyone use the same moves so many times before someone sees it coming. Del Rio tries the armbreaker but Orton makes the rope almost immediately. The backbreaker from Randy looks to set up the Elevated DDT but Del Rio counters into another shot on the arm. Alberto tries the RKO but gets countered into the Elevated DDT.

Randy tries the mat pounding but hurts his bad arm again. Nice touch there again. Del Rio hits the Backstabber for two but the armbreaker is countered into the powerslam for two. They go to the corner but Orton gets shoved off. He hangs on by the ropes but Del Rio hits a double stomp to Orton’s chest for two. This has been way better than I was expecting.

Just as I say that, Del Rio goes up and I think is supposed to jump into the RKO, but instead he just lands next to Orton and they’re completely out of sync now. The RKO is countered as Orton is sent into the corner where Ricardo rams the arm into the post. There’s the armbreaker but Orton somehow hangs on and rolls on top of Del Rio for two. Del Rio tries the running enziguri in the corner but Orton ducks and catches Del Rio in the RKO as he comes down for the pin at 13:06. That didn’t have the impact they were looking for I don’t think.

Rating: B-. This was higher until the jump off the top which looked horrible. Either way, this was a very nice surprise with some solid psychology and storytelling the whole way through. Orton isn’t great all the time but if you get him the right kind of opponent, which is usually a guy who isn’t a giant, he can have some solid matches and this was one of those. If the botch hadn’t happened, it would have been an excellent opener. With it, the match is just quite good.

We recap the AJ/Vickie/Cena stuff and Vickie says she’s got the pictures to prove the affair happened. Vickie turns around and runs into Heyman. Paul wants the match canceled but Vickie will have none of it. Heyman snaps at the theory that Ryback scares Punk and goes off on Vickie for a bit. Vickie continues to do nothing for me at all.

Tag Titles: HELL NO vs. Rhodes Scholars

The Scholars won this shot in a long tournament. In case it’s not clear, HELL NO is defending. The Scholars say that there’s one thing for sure: at the end of the night they’ll be able to say “WE ARE THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!” Funny stuff. Bryan vs. Sandow (in dark gray trunks, just like Cody) starts things off and Bryan hits a running knee to Damien’s ribs. Off to Kane for a low dropkick before it’s off to Cody for the same move for two.

Cody gets caught in the champions’ corner and it’s back to Bryan for some rapid fire kicks in the corner. Kane comes in again and throws Cody around again until Damien gets in a chop block to take Kane’s knee out. More leg work keeps Kane down but Sandow jumps into an uppercut. There’s the tag to Bryan who moonsaults over Sandow in the corner and hits a running clothesline to take Damien down. There are the NO Kicks and the Scholars are both sent to the floor. Bryan hits a BIG suicide dive to take them both out.

As they head back in, Cody grabs Bryan’s leg and Sandow knocks Daniel into the barricade. Back in and a running knee gets two for Rhodes as we enter the tag team formula mode. Bryan plays Ricky Morton for a bit as Cody comes in to work on the arm a bit. Bryan punches his way out of the corner but a knee to Bryan’s ribs takes him right back down. Off to Sandow again who pounds on the ribs for two.

Sandow’s windup elbow gets two (I’m not even going to try to spell the real name) and it’s off to a chinlock. Kane: “COME ON GOAT FACE LET’S GO!” That actually works as Bryan almost gets the NO Lock before hooking a drop toehold to send Sandow into the middle buckle. A double tag brings in Cody to face the fresh Kane and the Big Fried Freak takes over. The sidewalk slam gets two and the top rope clothesline kills Cody. Kane signals for the chokeslam but Bryan tags himself in and hits a Swan Dive, but Kane breaks up the cover.

Sandow pulls Kane to the floor and gets punched in the face. Bryan backdrops Cody to the floor onto Kane and misses the running knee, taking out Kane by mistake. The champs get into a shoving match and a pair of baseball slides take out Kane. Back in and Cody hits Cross Rhodes on Bryan but Kane makes the save. Kane is losing it and destroys everyone in sight drawing a lame DQ at 13:30 for beating on Sandow in the corner.

Rating: C+. This was getting good at the end before the lame DQ. They did set up another match later on which is fine, but with all of the teams they’ve got built up, do they really want to go another month with the same guys? Still though, entertaining enough match here and the champs fighting is almost always entertaining.

Sandow gets a chokeslam post match.

Miz talks about how Kofi brings mediocrity and mediocrity brings the end of civilization, so Kofi brings the end of the world. It ties into a show coming up about people who are preparing for doomsday if that clears up anything.

Intercontinental Title: The Miz vs. Kofi Kingston

The inflatable AWESOME from the Mania match with Cena is back. Kofi is defending and this is a rematch from a few weeks ago on Main Event. Both guys try and miss their finishers less than thirty seconds in, sending Miz to the floor to regroup. How much regrouping do you need after half a minute? Kofi jumps over the steps on the floor but Miz kicks his head off to take over. That gets two back in the ring and things slow down a bit.

Off to a chinlock for awhile followed by a clothesline to put Kofi down. There’s a top rope double ax for two and Miz punts him in the ribs. Miz’s corner clothesline is blocked by a hard clothesline from the champ and both guys are down. Kofi chops Miz down and hits the Boom Drop for two. Miz runs from Trouble in Paradise but gets caught by the spinning top rope cross body for two.

The SOS is countered into half of the Reality Check but they seem to miss on something before the neckbreaker. SOS gets two and Miz hits a kind of Stunner to the leg. Miz bends the leg around the ropes and takes off the leg pad and boot from Kofi’s left leg. Kofi gets to the second rope but Miz slams him off and puts on a half crab.

Kofi crawls to the ropes but Miz pulls it right back to the center. The champ counters into a cradle for two but Miz gets the same off a short DDT. Miz loads up the Finale but Kofi counters into a kind of victory roll for two. The kick misses for Kofi but the Finale can’t hit again. Miz gets kicked to the floor and as he comes back in, Kofi kicks him into oblivion for the pin to retain at 10:44.

Rating: C+. Another good and lengthy match here as this show is already better than anything WWE has thrown at us in weeks. This gets Miz out of the title picture and hopefully pushes him back up the card. Kofi is fine in this role and can be put with almost anyone to get a good match. Solid stuff here and a fine match.

Kofi says Miz has brought out the wildcat in him and that he’s proud to be the champion.

HELL NO argues again. Kane thinks Bryan almost lost because he was thinking about vegan candy. Bryan yells at Kane for bringing up Halloween when he’s always wearing a mask. Kane says that Bryan has been wearing a mask since he was born on Old McDonald’s Farm….AND HE SINGS THE SONG. Bryan: “YOU ARE IMPOSSIBLE!” Kane: “No. I AM THE TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!” I love these two.

US Title: Antonio Cesaro vs. Justin Gabriel

Since we only had three announced matches left and it’s ten after 9, they had to add another match or two. Antonio says something in what sounds like German or Swiss before the match. Cesaro is defending and they’ve traded wins on Raw lately to set this up. Cesaro takes it to the mat as soon as the bell rings before cranking on the arm a bit. Gabriel counters a hip toss and monkey flips Cesaro down.

Justin goes up top but the champ knocks him off to the floor. Back in and a legdrop gets two for Cesaro and he pounds away with some rough looking shots to the head. An uppercut to the back of Gabriel’s head gets two and it’s off to a chinlock with a knee in the back of Justin. Cesaro puts him face down on the top rope and hits a running knee to the ribs. A double stomp gets another two on Gabriel and it’s back to the arm. The crowd is pretty dead for this so far.

Gabriel comes back and takes Cesaro down for a quick top rope Lionsault for two. Cesaro takes Justin’s head off with a clothesline for two. The champ pounds away in the corner but Gabriel comes out with a spinning DDT for two. Gabriel tries the 450 but rolls through when Cesaro moves. Cesaro goes to the floor so Justin hits a dropkick through the ropes for two. He heads back in but dives into the uppercut to knock Gabriel silly. Back in and the Neutralizer retains the title at 7:35.

Rating: C. I know there wasn’t much here, but having Cesaro run through the entire lower card is a fine way to keep him on TV without having him face guys he’s not ready to beat yet. It’s also a good way to make him look like more than he really is, which is something Cesaro needs. Imagine that: using jobbers to the stars to push someone higher up the card. It’s so crazy that it just might work.

Breast cancer is bad.

Video on Ryback and how unstoppable he is.

Heyman sucks up to Vickie in the back because apparently the Cell has been canceled. Vickie doesn’t seem to understand what he’s talking about. The match is still on.

Prime Time Players vs. Rey Mysterio/Sin Cara

Sin Cara and Darren start things off with Young slapping him around on the mat. Cara headscissors him down and there’s the tag to Rey. Cara has what looks like a Mysterio mask on the back of his own mask. The main event for Main Event this coming week is these four teaming with Del Rio and Orton respectively. Yep the card is already falling down. Off to Titus for some power to take over on Mysterio. A double elbow by the Players take Rey down and Young comes in for some near falls.

Off to a quick reverse chinlock by Young but Titus charges into a boot in the corner to let the masked guys make a tag. Back to Cara who speeds things up and hits a top rope cross body on Titus. Cara’s spinning armdrag out of the corner is caught by Titus and he rams Cara into the corner. Back to Darren to pounds away a bit more before hitting the belly to back suplex onto the apron for two.

Back to Titus who suplexes Young onto Sin for two. JR says the Players are trying to get a big payday for a win on a major PPV. What exactly would be a minor PPV? Titus yells at Cara in the corner and tells him to speak English, which will probably be a fine for O’Neal. Titus puts on a kind of abdominal stretch before slamming him down for two. Back to Young for a backbreaker which gets two. Titus gets in a three point stance but charges into the post.

Cara hits a kind of standing Sliced Bread #2 and makes the hot tag to Rey. Mysterio speeds things up and hits a tilt-a-whirl DDT on Darren for two. JR: “Keeping up with Rey is like trying to pour smoke through a keyhole.” JBL: “Who would want to do that?” Cara dives on Titus on the floor as Rey counters the gutbuster from Young into the 619 and top rope splash for the pin at 12:50.

Rating: C-. This wasn’t a bad match at all but it ran too long and overstayed its welcome. These guys are a good undercard feud for the tag division (imagine THAT say six months ago) and putting them on here was as decent enough of an idea as you were going to get. Either one of these teams could get a title shot, and that’s kind of cool to think about.

Cara may have hurt his neck but he gets up on his own power. Apparently on that standing Sliced Bread he landed on the top of his head.

WWE is promoting a Rolling Stones PPV concert.

We recap Big Show vs. Sheamus. The idea is that Sheamus can’t Brogue Kick Show but he wants to fight no matter what.

Smackdown World Title: Big Show vs. sheamus

Sheamus is defending. Show throws him around to start and Sheamus tries to brawl with him. That results in the champion being knocked down into the corner and Show is in command. Ziggler is watching with the case in the back. Sheamus knocks Show to the floor and as the challenger gets back in, Sheamus fires away with all he’s got. It does a bit of damage but Show shrugs it off and knocks Sheamus to the floor again.

We head to the floor with Show throwing Sheamus into the barricade. Back in and Show keeps pounding on Sheamus very slowly. He steps on Sheamus’ head and knocks the champ to the floor before sending him over the announce table. This has been almost all Show so far and Sheamus is looking like a ragdoll. Back in and Show hits the Eye of the Hurricane for two. I think he used to call that the Final Cut. Sheamus tries to fight back with some punches to the ribs but Show throws him over the top to the floor.

As Sheamus comes back in, he hits the slingshot shoulder but charges right into a superkick for two. Show knocks him down again with Sheamus only being able to get in some punches before charging into a bearhug. Show gets on his knee instead of picking Sheamus up, allowing Sheamus to hit some forearms. A slam doesn’t work at all and the Vader Bomb Elbow gets two for Show. He calls for the chokeslam but Sheamus counters into a DDT but the kickout sends Sheamus out to the floor.

Sheamus tries the ten forearms in the corner but Show shoves him off. The chokeslam hits but it only gets two. Show is getting ticked off now but he can’t hook the Colossal Clutch. Sheamus avoids an elbow and tries the Cloverleaf of all things but Show kicks him off. They head to the floor and Sheamus drives Show into the post a few times. Back in and Sheamus goes after the knee before hitting some ax handles to take Show down.

Sheamus hits White Noise and does it with EASE. That looked better than a lot of the AA’s Cena hits on Show. That only gets two and Sheamus charges into the WMD…..for two. Show tries another punch but Sheamus kicks Show’s head off…..FOR TWO. This is getting AWESOME. Sheamus gets WAY fires up but the Brogue Kick charges into the WMD for the pin and the title at 21:37.

Rating: B+. This was exactly what it was supposed to be: a heavyweight slugfest with Sheamus pounding away with everything he had but it just wasn’t enough. I would initially say that Show winning the title was a bad thing but the way they were going with the feud it was probably the best idea. This was a great match though and WAY better than I was expecting. The kickouts were great and the match worked really well. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but match of the night so far.

Eve tries to talk to Booker but Booker goes to check on Sheamus. Teddy says Eve is going to lose when Ryder comes up dressed as a witch. Oh ok he’s Eve. Teddy says that’s one letter off.

Vince is here and Punk asks him to cancel the match. Vince asks if Punk is afraid of Ryback but Punk says no and leaves.

Divas Title: Layla vs. Eve Torres vs. Kaitlyn

Kaitlyn was attacked at Night of Champions and Layla had to defend against Eve instead of Kaitlyn. Eve won the title and was accused of attacking Kaitlyn, setting up this. The challengers double team Eve, argue a bit, and then double team Eve again. Eve and Kaitlyn finally start fighting and we get a pinfall reversal sequence. Eve comes back in and knocks Layla to the floor so she can beat on Kaitlyn a bit.

Eve works over Kaitlyn’s leg with a long hold until Layla finally gets back in. A hard kick to Eve’s face slows her down and Layla pounds away in the corner. A cross body gets two for Layla but Eve throws her into the splits. Eve gets thrown into the splits as well and Kaitlyn gives us a DOUBLE NOGGIN KNOCKER!!! Kaitlyn puts Layla in a Fujiwara Armbar but Eve makes the save. The crowd dies as the match starts to drag. Kaitlyn hits Stratusfaction on Eve to send her to the floor and powerslams Eve down. Eve hits a middle rope Swanton to break up the pin and covers Layla to retain the title at 6:39.

Rating: C-. The girls are getting better and they have an actual story anymore, but the fans still don’t care. This is MILES better than they were having a few months ago, but at the same time it’s still nothing to write home about. Kaitlyn appears to be the future but I’m still not sold on her at all. Decent match that ran too long.

Big Show brags about getting the title back and dares anyone to try to take it from him. That sounds like a match for Ryback once he’s done with Punk.

Sheamus is getting looked at.

We recap Punk vs. Ryback. Punk and Cena were feuding, then Cena got hurt and Ryback was the next best thing they could come up with. It’s in the Cell because the calendar says it needs to be.

The Cell is lowered. Cole says the Cell was introduced 15 years ago. My goodness do I feel old.

Raw World Title: Ryback vs. CM Punk

I honestly don’t know who is going to win here and I love that feeling. The Goldberg chants start before the music hits. Ryback has a red singlet tonight. Not much of a pop for him though. The big match intros inform us that this match will indeed be taking place inside the Cell. You know, in case you’re REALLY FREAKING STUPID. The fans get fired up for the Feed Me More chant at least.

Punk immediately heads to the floor and we’re in the big Cell where there’s almost no room at ringside. Punk gets back in and immediately runs to the floor again. After almost a minute and a half Ryback gets his hands on Punk and chokes him in the air. Ryback kicks him in the chest and Punk is in trouble early. Punk gets a boot up in the corner but a tornado DDT is easily countered.

Punk is sent back to the floor where he tries to get out of the door. Ryback throws him into the Cell wall and then does it again. The Goldberg chants start up and Punk hides under the ring. Heyman distracts Ryback, allowing Punk to spray him with a fire extinguisher and knock Ryback into the cage. The champ finds a chair but Ryback knocks it into Punk’s head. Back in and Ryback hits a Warrior gorilla press drop.

Ryback misses a charge into the corner and Punk hits a springboard clothesline to take him down. A top rope double ax only kind of hits so Punk hits a second to stagger Ryback. A third attempt is caught in midair but Punk hits a leg lariat to take Ryback down again. Punk sends him to the floor and hits the suicide dive but Ryback is slammed into the cage instead of being knocked down. Ryback easily breaks up a neckbreaker on the floor but his spear hits the steps.

Back in and Punk puts on a chinlock. We’re over eight minutes into this and it’s been pretty good stuff so far. Another Ryback charge hits the post and Punk smiles. Heyman: “HE’S STILL ALIVE!” Punk hits the running knee in the corner and a clothesline to set up the Macho Elbow for no cover. Punk brings in a kendo stick and mocks the FEED ME MORE chant.

Ryback Hulks Up and takes the stick out of Punk’s hands. Ryback is all fired up now and Heyman is panicking. The fans are getting into the chant now and there’s the Meathook (clothesline). Ryback loads up Shell Shock….and the referee hits Ryback low and fast counts a Punk rollup for the pin to retain at 11:45.

Rating: B-. This is one of those what the heck was that endings but it was a good match until we got there. I don’t like the screwjob ending and I wanted Ryback to win, but this sets up another match down the line I guess. I don’t recognize the referee but I’m sure we’ll find out who he was later on. The fans went silent after the pin which is a good thing….I think?

Ryback gets up and murders the referee as Heyman pulls Punk through the door. Ryback catches up to him though and throws Punk at the Cell, but Punk climbs up to escape. Ryback follows him and hits the Shell Shock on top of the Cell.

Ryback poses on top of the Cell to end the show.

Overall Rating: B+. This was a really good show actually and the ending has me wondering where they’ll go next. There wasn’t a really bad match on the show but a few of them were pretty slow. The Show title win was a nice surprise and the ending visual of the Shell Shock was good, but it wasn’t a classic show. For what it was, this was solid, but it’s another show that leads to another one instead of something conclusive, which is an annoying habit WWE has.

Results

Randy Orton b. Alberto Del Rio – RKO

Rhodes Scholars b. HELL NO via DQ when Kane would not stop attacking Sandow

Kofi Kingston b. The Miz – Trouble in Paradise

Antonio Cesaro b. Justin Gabriel – Neutralizer

Rey Mysterio/Sin Cara b. Prime Time Players – Top rope splash to Young

Big Show b. Sheamus – WMD

Eve Torres b. Kaitlyn and Layla – Eve pinned Layla after a powerslam from Kaitlyn

CM Punk b. Ryback – Rollup after a low blow from the referee

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews

Cyber Sunday 2006
Date: November 5, 2006
Location: US Bank Arena, Cincinnati, Ohio
Attendance: 7,000
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler

We’re obviously on Sunday now as this should be a bit better of a show, at least in theory. We have a main event of Champion vs. Champion vs. Champion as Big Show vs. Booker T vs. John Cena is the main event. The vote is which title is on the line. This also has a very long Rated RKO vs. DX match on it and one of my favorite comedy moments ever in wrestling if not my favorite. All that being said let’s get to it.

The video is about how we have the power and it lists off most of the matches and the stipulations we can pick.

The first vote is who fights Umaga with the choices being Sandman, Kane or Benoit. Benoit, the US Champion, is last as Kane more or less dominates the poll with nearly 50%. And what a coincidence that these two had been feuding!

Umaga vs. Kane

Umaga had sent Kane to either Smackdown or ECW recently so again there’s a point to this, which is just so convenient no? It was Smackdown apparently. Umaga is still undefeated here. Kane can’t hurt him with a headbutt as it’s good to see that Vince is keeping up with his stereotypes. Total slugout to start and Kane no sells a bunch of stuff. Pretty boring match so far but what do you expect?

The Samoan hits a downward spiral of all things to take over. This needs to end already and we’re like three minutes into it. The running hip shot has Kane reeling. Ok apparently it woke him up. Is this supposed to make sense? A massive Samoan in your face wakes you up? Also what is it with Samoans and slamming into people in the corner?

Kane starts his comeback and has the…uh….small man in trouble. Estrada gets up on the apron to do nothing of note and Kane sits up after the Samoan Drop. This has gotten better if you couldn’t tell. He jumps off for the clothesline but jumps into the Samoan Spike and another one ends it.

Rating: D+. This got better but still not by much. It’s ok but that’s about all it was. Umaga would get a main event push very soon but it never really went anywhere either. This was a pretty decent opener I guess but the crowd was pretty much dead for it which is really weird. Kane jobs again. What a shock that is.

Show and Sharmell talk and Sharmell tries to talk Show out of the match. Oh wait she wants them to team up. This is generic and stupid but it’s standard fair for shows and matches like these.

Cryme Tyme vs. Viscera/Charlie Haas vs. The Highlanders vs. Lance Cade/Trevor Murdoch

The options are Texas Tornado, Fatal Fourway or Tag Team Turmoil with the insane one winning. Texas Tornado means everyone is in the ring at the same time. No titles or anything but rather just a match to fill out the card. Tornado gets half the vote and it’s a big mess. I remember Viscera and Charlie as a team but have no idea why. This is a total mess of course.

Who would imagine that JTG would be the only one left in the company at this point and that Viscera is the most famous name in this match somehow. I’m not even going to try to keep track of what’s going on here as it’s a free for all. JTG and Charlie are the only ones in the ring. Great German suplex by Haas to take over but they’re replaced almost immediately by Shad and Viscera.

Shad has been arrested 23 times for assault. The Highlanders get rid of the fat man as Cade and Murdoch take over. And then JTG hits a kick to end it. Sure whatever. They dance on the announce table after the match and teach JR the handshake. And there goes King’s laptop. Racial stereotyping FTW! Yes I said FTW.

Rating: D. Total mess here with no flow or story in sight but that was the idea I guess. It was just a big disaster with everyone all over the place. It was to put Cryme Tyme over but of course they never wound up doing anything. They would get fired sooner or later here but I’m not sure when. It’s not like it matters or anything so whatever.

Time for the moment referenced in the title.  Shawn and HHH are at a computer with Shawn voting on who should be the referee in their match tonight.  They’ve tormented Coach and Vince enough, so that leaves Bischoff.  HHH tells Shawn he’s not controversial enough anymore, sending Shawn into a frenzy.  He asks a production guys what his name is.  Production guy: “Stan.”  Shawn: “Stan?” Then he superkicks Stan.  It’s so out of nowhere that it works perfectly.  Then Shawn runs down the hall, superkicking everyone he runs into.  Youtube this.  It’s hilarious and cracks me up every time.

The next pick is for Jeff Hardy’s opponent with the choices being Johnny Nitro, Shelton Benjamin and Carlito, who wins in a LANDSLIDE with over 60% of the vote.

Intercontinental Title: Carlito vs. Jeff Hardy

The title was getting a bit of a rejuvenation around this time before dying again soon after this due to one Santino. I think both are faces here but I’m not sure. They shake hands so I’d assume so. They do some mat/technical stuff but it’s botched pretty badly. And there’s another semi-botch. Either they’re doing a really weird style or they’re just botching a lot of stuff. Someone really wants Carlito to cut his hair.

Hardy’s rail running clothesline is countered by a dropkick in a decent looking move. Twist of Fate is reversed as this is getting better. The one that isn’t on national TV at the moment controls as we’re just waiting around a lot at this point. What we’re waiting for I’m not sure but the fans think this is boring. I can’t say I disagree. We’ve had a lot of Carlito using a reverse bearhug on the mat. Yes he’s being lazy. I’m shocked too.

From that we head to a sleeper. I bet the concession stand people are loving this. Crowd is pretty dead for this and I can’t blame them at all. I love people complaining about Cole and Lawler now as he and JR are botching a ton of lines here. Jeff makes a comeback but the Swanton hits knees. Whisper in the Wind gets two as this part at least is good. Carlito misses a hurricanrana and the Swanton finally ends it.

Rating: D+. The ending made it watchable but DANG the stalling here was stupid. They just laid around here far too long and it just was boring for the most part. It’s about 13 minutes long but the majority of that is just Carlito doing rest holds. This could have been good if Carlito wasn’t so lazy, but then again if he wasn’t he’d still be employed.

Ad for one of Hogan’s DVDs.

We recap DX vs. Rated RKO which was about Orton and Edge teaming up to take Raw back from DX and its selfishness. This was a cool idea for an angle but of course HHH got hurt as he was known to do. Naturally this allows us to have a DX montage package since that’s just what you do. The choices here are Vince, Coach or Bischoff.

D-Generation X Vs. Rated RKO

DX’s intro takes forever of course even though they come out first. Bischoff gets sixty percent of the vote, beating Vince and Coach combined. This makes me question the legitimacy here as Bischoff getting that many especially with Vince in the poll is REALLY odd. He’s going to be against DX here for no adequately explained reason. It says a lot when HBK, probably the best and biggest star of these four, is the one with the least world titles on his resume.

We see Edge’s back as Shawn pulls his tights down. We’ll he’s had it done so often to him I guess he had to return the favor to someone. HHH says he’s coming in off the top then says screw it and just climbs down. That was kind of funny. It was completely pointless but it was kind of funny. All DX to start here but I think that was more or less expected. Lots of punching here so far but we’re only a few minutes into it.

Orton is really arrogant here and is perfect as the total jerk. He’s not quite as good as he was two years before, but he was great back then so it’s hard to call him at his best. Shawn comes in and we get the forearm and nip-up like five minutes into this. Orton stops Chin Music though and crotches Shawn. He plays Ricky Morton now, which says a lot about how much the Midnights and the Rock N Roll Express changed and influenced wrestling.

Shawn’s selling really is great. You would believe he’s been run over by a bus off of every move he takes, which really makes the other guy look devastating. Naturally, Orton hits a chinlock. Shawn gets out of the way of a spear and down goes Bischoff to a solid pop. Naturally DX waits for a tag to have HHH come in even though there’s no referee. Uh…moral?

Spear takes down HHH and Edge does a crotch chop so he takes a plancha from Shawn for his troubles. RKO puts HHH down and here’s a spare referee to count the two. This all took like a minute so sorry for the commentary. Sweet Chin Music to Orton gets two since Bischoff pulls the referee out of the ring. A chair is brought in and both DX guys get popped with it and Bischoff doesn’t seem to mind. RKO on the chair ends it.

Rating: B-. Not bad here but there was just something missing. It felt rushed even though this somehow was pushing 20 minutes. The beginning is just a bunch of punches and then Shawn got in trouble, setting up the ref bump and the ending. It’s definitely a good match but this could have been more if the time they had was used more properly, which isn’t something you often have to say about a match Shawn is in.

Ad for The Marine, which wasn’t that bad.

Rated RKO says nothing of note.

The Divas come out to be told who to do. Make your own jokes on that one. It’s a lumberjack match.

Women’s Title: Mickie James vs. Lita

Trish retired so we had a four Diva tournament to set this up. Lita is about a month from retiring at this point so she’s more or less destined to win. Mickie throws the absolute worst dropkick anyone with a great rack has ever thrown. This is horrible but at least we get to look at Mickie’s figure. Lita as a heel just doesn’t work from an in ring perspective. She hooks on a sleeper that does fairly well.

Not that it wins or anything since it’s a freaking sleeper but nice try if nothing else. Instead of a match here, Lita seems like she’s just there doing moves on Mickie with no particular rhyme or reason. The girls do their thing of course and nothing of note is going on here at all. Lita blocks/Mickie botches the Stratusfaction and Mickie gets a rollup for two. The other Divas get involved and a spike DDT ends it for Lita.

Rating: D. This was boring really. The only highlights were Mickie and Lita’s chest. Other than that we were just sitting around watching this nonsense go on and on. The match never went anywhere as it’s clear Lita just didn’t care anymore. Mickie would win the title from Lita at Survivor Series in Lita’s retirement match.

Mania is in Detroit.

Kenny yells at the Spirit Squad and says he’s better than they are so he’s the leader.

Raw Tag Titles: Ric Flair/??? vs. Spirit Squad

The vote is for Flair’s partner. The choices are Piper, Slaughter and Dusty. Piper, looking VERY old, gets the nod. Is there supposed to be a connection between Slaughter and Flait that I’m just not getting? Piper takes his shirt off and I get mad at him. How could he not tell us he was 8 months pregnant? He even has breasts full of milk! Dusty and Slaughter come out to back up the old guys for this.

Kenny and Mikey are the two in the ring at the moment. Ross says this is like Lebron vs. Michael Jordan. Well no one ever claimed Ross toned things down. Both tag and Piper is pathetic looking. Piper gets beaten up as Flair is by far the ace of the team. That’s either awesome or sad and I’m not sure which. The heels dominate for the most part while Piper just kind of lays there.

The hot tag brings in Flair and Mikey is in the figure four but Kenny saves with his top rope legdrop. Are we waiting on the Piper hot tag now? It’s clear that Flair is the only guy on his team in any semblance of shape. Figure four goes on again and OLD GUYS WIN! Dusty and Slaughter come in to stop the big beatdown. Rhodes’ music of all things plays them out. Ah ok it’s so they can dance.

Rating: D-. This was pretty pathetic really. Flair is passable but Piper was clearly just in nothing close to wrestling shape. He would at least wear a t-shirt for the rest of his time in the ring which is a nice break. They would drop the belts in 8 days to Rated RKO so at least this wasn’t long or anything. The match was bad though, namely due to Piper.

Booker tries to get Cena on his side and Cena says ok, but he wants one night with the Queen. Can’t say he’s not smart as Sharmell is rather attractive. Booker sends Sharmell out and then says ok to a HUGE shocked pop. Cena asks if he’s crazy as that’s Booker’s wife. He leaves and makes up a story to Sharmell about this weird orgy that he gets to watch. Funnier than it sounds, and Ron Simmons says his catchphrase.

Ad for Survivor Series, where it’s brand vs. brand vs. brand.

Some Bengals are here.

We see how all three champions got their titles in a cool package.

Basically you’re voting for who you want to win here since no title is going to be unified here. Booker wins by a landslide.

Smackdown World Title: Booker T vs. John Cena vs. Big Show

Booker is knocked to the floor almost immediately and it’s Cena vs. Show for a long time. We swap that out for Booker vs. Cena as it’s clearly going to be a basic triple thread with two guys fighting for awhile as the third is down. Show gets two and Cena makes the save. A double clothesline puts the big man on the floro and something tells me that’s the last we’re going to see from him for a LONG time.

Of course I’m wrong as he makes a save off a Fisherman’s suplex from Cena. Show gets the stairs but gets a dropkick to his knee, driving his head into the steps. Ok that’s how they get rid of him. Book End gets two in the ring. Just to mess with the internet, Cena hits a belly to belly suplex and goes for a top rope splash. Lawler points out Cena has nothing to lose here which is true.

It’s been Booker vs. Cena for about 4 minutes now with Show on the floor. Both counter the other’s finisher and we’re about even. STFU doesn’t work as this just isn’t that much at all, mainly because we know nothing is coming from this since Show is going to be back eventually to stop whatever is going on here. Token plug for the Marine follows as Cena is in control.

After about seven minutes Show is finally up. That’s part of the issue with matches like these: a move like that would never keep a guy down that long but here it’s perfectly normal. A missile dropkick puts Show down and takes Cena down with him since Cena was on Show’s shoulders. Wow that came out awkward but you get the idea. Show takes over now and takes Cena to the floor.

And so much for that theory as Show gets put down (and booed loudly) before the 5 Knuckle Shuffle has Booker in trouble. FU to Sharmell as she tries to hit Cena with a belt. STFU on Booker and KEVIN FREAKING FEDERLINE comes in and blasts Cena with a belt. A belt shot from Booker lets him keep the title.

Rating: D+. Just a bad match overall. There was no way a title was changing here and since Show couldn’t stay in there longer than like two minutes at a time due to general fatness, this was a glorified one on one match. It’s a cool idea on paper but other than that it’s really not that much. The over twenty minutes did go by quickly though which was nice.

Overall Rating: D. These shows just aren’t that good. The voting thing is a cool idea but the problem comes when the matches simply aren’t any good no matter what you throw out there. The Champion of Champions match was a good idea but it was really weak given Show laying on the ground for most of it. Like I’ve said for a long time, these should be TV specials rather than PPVs. Nothing big ever happens and the tag titles changing hands is almost predictable at this point. Bad show, but not too bad.

Remember to follow me on Twitter @kbreviews