Royal Rumble 2006
Date: January 29, 2006
Location: American Airlines Arena, Miami, Florida
Attendance: 15,000
Commentators: Joey Styles, Michael Cole, Tazz, Jerry Lawler,

The main changes are Batista and Cena. They’ve more or less taken over the company as the biggest things in the world. Except for Batista because he’s out with an injury. Edge is the current reigning world champion though as he had more or less stolen the title at New Year’s Revolution. He’s got his rematch with Cena tonight. On the other side, Mark Henry is main eventing the show. I give up.

The other main issue is of course the death of Eddie Guerrero, which there’s been more than enough written about already. Other than that, there’s just not a lot going on here. This more or less is the first Rumble of what would be classified as the modern era, so let’s get to it.

The intro is just a recap of the major feuds. For some reason, Angle vs. Henry gets the most hype. Naturally they push Raw vs. Smackdown again. Edge is the Rated R Champion now. Lita’s stomach is the thing that dreams are made of. I’ve always wanted to say that. For reasons that no one will ever comprehend, the theme is Roman or something, which meant nothing and no one wanted to see. Stephanie in Roman clothing was nice though.

Cruiserweight Championship: Cruiserweight Open

This is the standard thing they were doing back in the day as they had completely given up on having any kind of storylines or flow to the division, so they just said screw it and threw everyone into one massive match where everyone is legal at once. In this, you have to be either the current Champion or a former champion. The participants are Kid Kash who is the champion, Paul London, Nunzio, Funaki, Gregory Helms and Jamie Noble.

London is wearing a gold mask for some reason that was never really explained. Helms is a surprise here. Oh geez there’s a Roman theme again where they have guys opening the door where people from out of the back from. It’s kind of like KOTR 96 for those of you that have seen that. Helms is from Raw here so he’s an outsider or something like that. Shockingly, the match is a huge mess to start as there are no tags or anything like that. Screw that order stuff.

London’s dropsault is stupid when it’s just one person but it’s cool when there’s two. It’s completely not effective but it looks good. Heck Rock won a bunch of world titles like that though so who cares? London looks like Tajiri for some reason. This is a pure spotfest here with nothing resembling flow or a story or anything like that, which makes sense I guess. At least they didn’t try as that would have been really stupid.

In a nice spot, Funaki whips Noble in and he launches a suicide dive through the ropes to take out two guys. You can tell a lot of these spots are preplanned but that’s fine as it’s working pretty well for what it’s supposed to be. With almost everyone else on the floor, London goes to the top rope and throws a shooting star press to the floor, more or less missing everyone and just slamming into the floor.

It looked PAINFUL and the fans give him a well deserved hokey smoke chant. In a cool spot that I haven’t seen before, London and Helms are on the top and Helms hits a swinging neckbreaker to get us back on the mat. It looked a lot better than it sounds.

For those of you that don’t know, Kash was a fairly big deal in ECW but other than that he’s been a minor player at best. The steps in the background are orange here so it looks like a bunch of empty seats. They get really fast in a hurry but it gets cut off too fast as Helms hits a Shining Wizard to Funaki for the pin.

Rating: B-. Now before everyone jumps on me, this isn’t the same kind of grade that I would give a normal match because this wasn’t supposed to be a standard match. This was designed to be completely insane and all spots to get the crowd awake and it worked fine. That’s the point of this and it did its job, so it gets a decent grade. There is no story to something like this and there shouldn’t be. Helms would hold the belt over a year.

Vince and Teddy long are around the Rumble drawing and Vince tells Long to leave. Naturally there are three hot women there. Orton and HHH come in and draw their numbers. Orton is happy and HHH hates his. Sex jokes abound as these two continue their eternal battle that never goes anywhere. Victoria looks incredible.

Trish is getting ready to be the referee. Mickie James says she loves her, and we have a lesbian stalker angle.

Mickie James vs. Ashley Massaro

For no apparent reason, this isn’t for the title as Trish is the referee and the champion here. They would have a decent match at Mania. This is back when Mickie was not only insane but also wore ridiculously awesome skirts. Ashley was one of the biggest flops in wrestling history as the winner of the Diva search who was just awful on a lot of levels. If nothing else we have Lillian, Mickie and Trish in the same ring. That’s not bad at all.

They have a headlock and actually go to the floor without breaking it up. That’s hard to do. Ashley can’t even lock up right. That’s almost sad. What’s sadder is that Joey has to say she’s a superstar. Oh yeah this was also when Mickie would scream her head off, which I’ve always liked for some reason. Ashley tried at least so I’ll give her that. The crowd is completely dead by the way. Mickie’s figure is flat out mesmerizing.

This is so odd to see someone with so much talent like James and someone with so little in Ashley. The thing here is that Mickie loves Trish but Trish trained Ashley. There are far too many bad submissions being done here to have a coherent match too. Ashley goes on offense and while it’s really bad, she’s trying. You can tell the different between someone that just doesn’t want to be there and Ashley, while bad, is trying.

However, her offense is either so limited or the fans like Mickie so much that they completely turn on her and boo her LOUDLY. Mickie powerbombs her out of the corner and Trish is really hesitant to count it, which is either part of the angle or then just giving up and saying let’s try to save some face here and just ending it early. Either of those would be believable to me.

Rating: C-. And that’s as generous as I can be. Ashley was bad here, but she was trying as hard as she could and I can easily respect that. Now later on when she just didn’t care, screw that. The fans turning on her like that annoyed me, but I can get what their point was. This was really just to set up Trish vs. Mickie, which is fine.

We see Helms at the WWE Interactive area, which means he’s chatting on WWE.com, which WCW had about 10 years prior to this.

More Rumble drawings with Rey and Big Show. It’s preceded by Vince checking the girls’ tattoos which is just annoying and stupid. In a funny bit, Show can’t get his hand in the tumbler to get a number out. Show is pleased and Rey is…oh screw it. They’re talking about Eddie again, which draws a huge chant and gives away the ending to the Rumble. Ok, before this comes up later, let’s just get it out of the way now.

The WWE needs to understand something. No wait, actually wrestling in general needs to understand something. When a wrestler dies unexpectedly, it doesn’t make them better. Eddie was indeed a very good if not great wrestler, but based on the things you hear about him now, you would think he was Ric Flair. He’s more about the level of Randy Orton or so. However, the undisputed champion of this is ECW with Louie Spicolli.

He was the epitome of an ok if not decent wrestler that was all of a sudden great after he died from a drug overdose. He simply was not as good as people made him out to be. For all of you ECW marks out there, show me ONE very good Spicolli match. It doesn’t even have to be great.

Show me one time where he had a great match. What was my point here? Oh yeah. Eddie was very good, but he only became considered great after dying. “KB you don’t know anything. He won the world title!” Yeah well this is 2 days after TLC and Sheamus is world champion so the belt really doesn’t prove all that much does it?

JBL vs. Boogeyman

The idea here is that JBL is terrified of Boogey. Oh and Boogey bit the “mole” off of Jillian’s face. She’s his assistant here or something like that. My goodness JBL has fallen far since winning the world title less than two years before this. It continues to amuse me when someone like Boogeyman is weighed in. And now I’m annoyed. I’ve never liked the Boogeyman character for one reason: he makes a mockery of wrestling.

Now yes, there’s a lot of stupid characters and while I tend to dislike the majority of them, when they can have a decent match, it’s almost acceptable. Boogeyman couldn’t do that, so when he does stuff like eat worms, then spit them up and spit them down into Jillian’s mouth, I have no use for him at all. It continues to have stupidity attached to it as we have to hear about how disgusted the announcers are.

Seriously, the Four Horsemen are in the same business as this guy. That’s just ridiculous. Thankfully, this lasts about a minute and a half, as after a stupid brawl where Boogey sells nothing at all, JBL misses a Clothesline and somehow slams into the post in a completely awful looking spot. A pumphandle slam ends it.

Rating: F-. This would usually be an N/A, but this was just a complete and utter waste of time. Seriously, why did this need to happen? I know it took less than 5 minutes, but really, there was NOTHING else we could have used that for? I hate gimmicks like these, I truly do.

Vince hits on the girls more and you can see they hate it. Shelton’s mama shows up. This was a freaking stupid gimmick where Shelton’s mom showed up to make sure he was taken care of. It was some comedienne that no one has ever heard of in a fat suit. You figure out how well it worked. Melina shows up and gets hit on too. Mama prevents him from hitting on her.

MNM, Joey Mercury and Johnny “Morrison” Nitro show up to draw as well. Both seem fairly middle of the road with their numbers. Melina says they’ll eliminate Shawn. We finish this long segment off with more Vince hitting on the girls. They eventually became a stable called Vince’s Devils. Yeah it went nowhere.

Before the Rumble starts, we have the Spirit Squad. Now for those of you that weren’t around for these guys, they were male cheerleaders that won the tag titles from Kane and Big Show. Amazingly everyone said the only one with talent was Kenny Dykstra. The one known as Nick became known as Dolph Ziggler. What does that tell you? Lillian is jaw dropingly hot here.

Royal Rumble

Lillian flubbing her lines is somehow sexy. How is that possible? HHH is number one and Rey is number two. Well you certainly can’t say they’re using no names to start us out. This is big match that’s never happened before. Oh the intervals are 90 seconds here. Oh here we go Rey is driving a lowrider. HEY, WE GET IT ABOUT EDDIE! I wouldn’t be so annoyed about it, but seriously, he brought up Eddie in the BATISTA feud.

Oh look he draped an Eddie shirt on the car. This is freaking ridiculous because it’s obvious Rey is going to win here for the sake of “honoring Eddie.” Rey’s entrance reaches Taker levels of time. He does the ten punches in the corner and looks up before he does it. This is freaking ridiculous and we’re just hitting number 3 which is Simon Dean. Cole, who is doing the commentary with Lawler, FREAKS because a Smackdown guy is attacking a Smackdown guy.

They team up and eliminate him easily. Have I mentioned that I hate the Bronco Buster? Psicosis of the Mexicools is 4th. They were a team of Mexican stereotypes who rode lawnmowers. I wish I was making that up. Rey counters a Razor’s Edge to put him out with ease again so we stay with those two guys. Number 5 is Flair of all people. He trips coming into the ring as Rey is down for no apparent reason.

Flair and HHH hammer on each other for awhile as I think HHH is a heel here. Oh yeah he would be. That was a stupid comment. He and Flair feuded over the IC belt of all things in some decent matches. You know for a guy that was allegedly the biggest ladies man ever, he used a lot of testicular claws. He’s gone soon after and we’re back at 2 people. Big Show is 6th so hopefully we get people in here for awhile.

He’s mad at HHH also, which is still going on today, which works as it’s been less than five years ago so a feud can easily go on that long. Naturally Show dominates here. With an eyeroll from me, Coach is number 7. Why did he always get spots in the Rumble? Show puts him out in about 30 seconds. Show demonstrates his intelligence by having HHH above his head twice and not even getting close to the ropes.

The announcers say that Coach might have set a record for shortest time in the Rumble. That’s so stupid I’m not even going to bother making fun of it. Lashley is 8th and they say he could be a dark horse. Can I get a rim shot? He’s a rookie phenomenon here, meaning that his career wouldn’t mean much since Vince refused to ever pull the trigger on him, even though he tried. In an impressive move, he gets a backdrop on Show as Kane, who is currently tag champions with Show, is 9th.

He and Lashley square off in a match of two guys that will never win a world title in WWE again. In a very impressive looking spot that wasn’t really that impressive, he hits the Dominator on Kane. Rey has been down WAY too long for no apparent reason. Sylvan, playing a gay character who doesn’t actually say he’s gay is 10th. He’s the fashion consultant or something. Yeah he’s gone in about 30 seconds.

Show and Kane hit a double chokeslam on Lashley and throw him out. So HHH and Rey are more or less just laying on the mat for about 5-6 minutes at a time which is again, stupid. HHH puts Kane and Big Show out, thus reaffirming his theory that he could out fight God if he had to.

Carlito is 11th, as other than the first two guys, no one has lasted 10 minutes yet. I really don’t like this theory of only having a few guys in there for the majority of the match. The Rumble should have about 6-7 guys in the ring for the majority of the match. It’s just right and it allows for things to not be too boring but also not too weak. Benoit is 12th as we’re picking up a bit.

He chops and suplexes the heck out of everyone just because he’s Chris Benoit and they’re not. Carlito gets a crossface for good measure as Benoit is freaking awesome. He and HHH fight over a suplex with Benoit on the apron which was cool looking if nothing else. The Canadian fights out of that and hits the headbutt on HHH so Carlito can get back up. Booker is 13th and the US Champion at the moment.

He’s wearing long tights which looks odd indeed. He would become king in a few months. Yep Booker is gone already, naturally by Benoit as those two were eternally joined at the hip for some reason. Apparently 20 minutes or so is a long time now. So the most we’ve had is what, 5 people I believe?

Mercury of MNM is 14th and since he brings Melina with him, he’s awesome. I love the way they carried the belts as they hung them from their pants so they swung between their legs. It’s original if nothing else. Mercury really is underrated in the ring. He’s a lot better than people realize. Cole brags about setting ratings records on UPN. That’s just hilarious. Tatanka is 15th to ZERO reaction.

He returned for a few months and no one, I mean NO ONE cared at all. His offense has somehow gotten even more generic if that’s possible which I didn’t think it was. The fans do the Florida St. Seminole chant to try to validate his entrance. Nitro is 16th. More commonly known as John Morrison if you’re not familiar. Tatanka beats on him, which somehow validated Matt Hardy and Tatanka vs. MNM on PPV in a non title match. You read that right.

The fans chant Eddie to just tick me off even more. Only Vince would manage to use death to push storylines. Trevor Murdoch is 17th. To recap we have HHH, Rey, Carlito, Benoit, Mercury, Nitro, Murdoch and for some reason Tatanka. Cole takes a lull to mention that Rey is dedicating this match to Eddie. Eugene is 18th, and is booed out of the freaking building. He’s a classic case of a comedy character being used badly.

Rey hurts him to get a solid pop. For the love of goodness Animal of the LOD is 19th. Seriously, who picked these people? Oh apparently the new LOD are the long time rivals of MNM. You know, the team that’s been around for a few months. There are WAY too many people in there right now. RVD is 20th to a HUGE pop. Thankfully for the first time in history the company listened to the pop and made him world champion in June before he smoked his way out of the main event.

Oh yeah this was the summer that ECW returned. He cleans house of course. MNM is doing the Demolition thing of teaming up on everyone which is smart. Animal is out thank goodness. Orlando Jordan is 21st and I somehow manage to lose even more interest in this match. There are FAR too many people in the ring at the moment. Chavo is 22nd. Ok, him I have no problem with doing the pointing thing. There’s your difference between Chavo and Rey.

Chavo won a match with JBL on the Eddie tribute show, pointed to the sky a few times, and started using the frog splash. He’s mentioned Eddie a few times over the years, but for the most part he’s just said that he’s a Guerrero which he would have been no matter what. He had one angle with Rey over the Guerrero name, which made sense when you thought about it. That’s perfectly fine.

Then you have Rey, who used the splash, drove a lowrider, blew one up, pointed to the sky and dedicated about a year’s worth of matches to Eddie, using him as an angle and getting the world title because of it. He still mentions Eddie for storylines 4 years after Eddie passed away. There’s paying homage then there’s just being freaking ridiculous. What does Chavo get for being more humble about it? He lasts a minute here while Rey lasts an hour.

Of course Chavo shouldn’t have won or been in the last group or anything, but would 10-15 minutes have killed anyone? Seriously, Tatanka can get a long time but Chavo can’t? Matt Hardy is 23rd. There’s like 12 people in there right now and it’s absurd. You can’t see a thing in there at the moment either. Tatanka FINALLY goes out as Super Crazy is 24th. What is the point of half these guys being in here?

Shawn is 25th to a nice pop. He gets pyro when he comes out which is odd in a Rumble match. He ends Murdoch to thin the ranks out a bit. Chris Masters, who is more or less a newcomer at this point, somehow gets pyro also at 26th. I’m not even bothering to try to tell who all is in there at this point. Nothing of note is happening anyway. Viscera, currently the world’s largest love machine is 27th.

He puts out the far more talented Matt Hardy, but not before giving him the Visagra, which is where the other guy is on his stomach and Viscera gets on top of them and gyrates his hips. Yeah it’s worse than it sounds. Shelton is in next along with his mother. This is somehow stupider than I thought it was going to be. Eugene is gone, leaving a huge pool of sweat on the mat beneath him.

They’re really speeding up the intervals here to get through this. Goldust, who is returning for like the 12th time is 29th. That leaves Orton as number 30. Rey puts Crazy out as Orton comes out last. Ok, so your final group is Rey, HHH, Carlito, Benoit, Mercury, Nitro, RVD, Jordan, Shawn, Masters, Viscera, Shelton, Goldust and Orton. Yeah that’s not too many people at all. Screw the sarcasm. YES IT’S TOO MANY FREAKING PEOPLE!

Geez do you think 14, or just under half of the people being left at the end is enough? Why don’t we just get rid of the whole unique aspect of the freaking match and make it a regular battle royal like the classic World War 3 series that WCW used to do? Those things went great didn’t they? Dang it Vince how hard is it to book a freaking Rumble? You have about 7-8 guys in at the end, 5-6 of them are big names and two or three jobbers.

Three are legit contenders, three are dark horses, and two are jobbers. There, that took 8 seconds to come up with. Orton puts Benoit out which Cole says is a rematch from Summerslam two years ago. More like a year and a half but who cares about facts? Carlito and Masters put out Viscera and then Carlito throws out Masters. Goldust takes forever to set up Shattered Dreams but at least manages to kick that turnbuckle really well.

RVD puts him out just before Orton puts out Jordan. Shawn and HHH go at it to keep the balance of the universe in order. Shawn puts out both of MNM within 5 seconds of each other to further kill the tag division which HHH and Shawn are the current champions of as of this being written. Sweet Chin Music puts out Shelton as Shawn is on a roll. Vince’s music hits as he and Shawn were feuding at the moment. He distracts Shawn so Shane can put Shawn out.

That leaves us with Rey, HHH, Carlito, Orton and RVD. Well I’m glad they took their time getting rid of the people. Shawn goes after Shane but HHH stops him but gets chin music. HBK chases the McMahons out because he’s a face and they’re heels. Van Dam puts Carlito out to give us our final four of Rey, HHH, Orton and RVD. RVD was returning so he wasn’t going to win.

HHH and Orton were possible and Rey was the clear winner so there we go. They split off with HHH vs. Rey and Orton vs. RVD. The faces hit some nice double team stuff to hurt the heels. Van Dam shows how stupid he is by going for a Five Star and gets put out. Orton and HHH get together for no apparent reason other than to beat up a guy that’s 5’5. However, Rey is empowered by the memories of a guy that he feuded with so he takes them both down.

Orton fights HHH. In other news, the sky is blue. Rey puts out HHH and it’s officially inevitable. Rey gets beaten up by HHH to just further make us take note of how awesome Rey is. Orton acts cocky and yeah Mysterio is going to Mania. Orton would get in and make it a triple threat where Rey would win the title and of course, dedicate it to Eddie since that’s all he’s allowed to do.

Rating: D. Eddie oversaturation aside, this Rumble sucked and it sucked hard. The booking was way off here as there were far too few guys in the ring at first and far too few in the end. The Rey thing annoys the heck out of me as people like to say RIP Eddie, yet they have zero problem with his history being exploited for the sake of bad storylines. Rey was passable as champion, but let him get there on his own and not because a guy died. That’s just stupid.

Other than that, WAY too many jobbers and fillers in there, which kind of reflects on the company as a whole. Seriously, why did Booker and Lashley stay in there for just a bit? To be fair, Booker was hurt so that might explain it. Either way, this match was awful in a lot of ways and I hated it quite a bit.

Rey is happy with his win.

We recap Cena vs. Edge, which was a result of the first cashing in of the Money in the Bank in a truly shocking moment. This was a huge thing as Cena was completely dominant and everyone was TICKED when he held the title again after the Elimination Chamber.

But when Vince’s music went on, everyone knew what was coming and it was awesome. Naturally Cena insisted on a rematch and talked about respect and having the title mean a lot to him. This was also the reign with the live sex celebration that apparently made Edge’s career better than Taker’s.

Raw World Title: John Cena vs. Edge

So the scaffolds from the ceiling begin to lower. Smoke and lights and pyro go off. Styles says it looks like a spaceship. Yep, Cena is getting a special entrance that of course looks awesome. More or less his feet are where the top of his head would be if he was walking normally. Yeah there’s nothing at all that’s being implied about who wins here at all. Lita of course looks completely amazing. If nothing else I’ve heard Edge’s theme live so that’s cool.

For the love of all things good and holy, change the spinner belt. The W is spun almost halfway around and it just looks stupid. It starts off with their standard stuff which is traditionally good. Cena starts off in control but thanks to Lita Edge hits a spear into the steps, which more or less proves that he desperately needs a new finisher. We go into the crowd for just a bit but it goes nowhere. Cena dives in to beat the ten count which if nothing else looked cool.

Edge goes old school with his spinning heel kick. Why is Joey Styles the only commentator that mentions the referee’s names consistently? Cena can sell really well if nothing else. Good night Lita’s chest is amazing. The announcers get into an interesting argument: who is the better technical wrestler? That’s a most interesting question that’s going to get a thread soon. Edge’s facials remain awesome as ever. The crowd is fairly loudly booing John here.

Edge chokes Cena so of course despite being put in a hold that should kill him or would end any MMA fight, he gets up with ease. Both guys are down so we get another few shots of Lita’s chest to fill time. Following some botched interference from the hot chick, the FU and STFU give Cena the belt again. That was abrupt.

Rating: B. Eh, this was what it was. Cena and Edge work together just fine so their matches are almost always passable. Edge was more or less given the title as a test run and that’s fine. He got his name in there and that’s what counts. Cena was definitely the right choice to have the belt going into Mania so I have no issues with the booking here. The match was fine and it came off well. It’s nothing great but it’s fine for a title change that goes 15 minutes.

In case you were wondering, Rey is still happy that he won.

We do a very quick, as in about 10 second long recap of Angle vs. Henry, which consists of Henry breaking the ankle lock, which had been done by about 15 people up to this point, but it’s impressive here because of POWER. Angle was a transitional champion if there ever was one.

He took over when Batista got hurt (shocking isn’t it?) so he’s held the title less than three weeks at this point. Angle does his usual solid promo and then comes back to tell Henry he sucks. That’s what makes Angle better than most. He would head to TNA later in the year and be a huge coup for TNA.

Smackdown World Title: Kurt Angle vs. Mark Henry

So Daivari used to hang out with Angle but he dumped him for Henry for no apparent reason. Soon after this Khali would show up. Yeah Angle is introduced as the new World Heavyweight Champion here. That’s the beauty of having guys like Angle or Shawn on your roster.

If something like an injury happens, you can throw the title on them for a quick fix and because they hang around the upper midcard with occasional main event matches, it’s perfectly believable to put the belt on them and no one really had a problem with Angle as champion. We get a fairly long feeling out period, but Henry catches Angle in position for the World’s Strongest Slam. Naturally though instead of slamming him though, he throws him to the floor.

More or less Henry beats the tar out of Angle for awhile as you would expect. Good night Henry you’ve been in the company ten years at this point. Don’t you think it’s time you learned some new offense? I mean really, we know you can slam, club, punch and squeeze. LEARN ANYTHING NEW. Angle gets a bad German, but to be fair, look what he’s working with. Angle Slam gets two. Henry powers out of the ankle lock using the same counter that everyone else uses to knock the referee down.

Angle gets a bad chair shot to Daivari and takes it into the ring. The chair is bent which always looks cool. Angle goes Hogan and cheats but remains a face. Two decent chair shots put Henry down but the fans are more or less dead here. They of course get two which gets a decent pop. I really don’t get the point of the chairs this early in the match. Angle pulls the turnbuckle pad off the middle turnbuckle and sends Henry’s head into it on a reversal for the pin. Really? That’s the best you’ve got?

Rating: D-. I have no freaking clue what they were going for here, but it was just an epic failure. Henry had no business being in there but he came off looking like a far bigger face than Angle did. It was really short, and I have no idea what the point was of this main eventing the show. Oh wait. Now I get it.

A gong goes off and the lights go purple. Ok, Taker has druids and a horse drawn chariot. That makes up for the main event. He signals that he wants the belt and sets off lightning. The ropes fall to the ground and the ring collapses as Angle holds the belt to his chest as we go off the air. Ok, that was freaking cool.

Overall Rating: C-. This was a very lackluster show. I know a lot of people will love the Eddie tributes etc. but I HATED them. One or two points to the sky and some frog splashes are just fine but seriously, giving the Rumble and ultimately the world title to a guy over Eddie? That’s WAY too much. Other than that, there’s just nothing special here at all. Edge and Cena is pretty easily the match of the night.

This show really was more about setting up for the future though, as Cena had to get the belt back and Angle had to get set up with Taker, which they managed to accomplish both. This really started setting the table for Mania, so that’s fine, but the show just wasn’t that interesting. Not recommended at all really, although some people might like it.

Royal Rumble 2005
Date: January 30, 2005
Location: Save Mart Center, Fresno, California
Attendance: 12,000
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, Tazz, Jim Ross

Before I get going, this is the Rumble where the promo was designed after West Side Story. The tag line was “All the rumbling, minus the dancing and singing.” Again I say, WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE THESE PEOPLE ON??? It’s not the scariest part that these people are agreeing to put this on, but that someone THOUGHT THIS UP and GOT PAID TO DO IT. I mean come on now. WEST SIDE STORY???

This is supposed to be one of the biggest fights of the year and it’s WEST FREAKING SIDE STORY??? ANYWAY, the rest of this show looks pretty weak other than the Rumble. Other than another year passing, we’ve seen the rise of Batista and Cena, who are all of a sudden the hottest guys in the company.

HHH is world champion in a stunning revelation and is facing Orton tonight, allegedly in his last title shot. Say it with me: HA! We also have JBL defending against Show and Angle in a match I completely don’t remember. Oh and Edge is back and an Achilles enthusiast now. Let’s get to this.

Our opening video talks about how the legacy of the Rumble continues tonight. That’s fine. We shift to an alley where we have Raw and Smackdown dressed like it’s the 1950s and singing about fighting each other, with one line being: “We’ll step into the ring and reach an understanding. When the smoke has cleared I’ll be the last man standing.” Please, I beg of you now, end my life so I don’t have to listen to this anymore!

Edge vs. Shawn Michaels

Edge has been using Metalingus for 5 years almost? Methinks this might be dubbed. Oddly enough the same band is doing the theme song for the PPV. At Taboo Tuesday, Shawn had gotten voted into the title match instead of Edge, so we get this as a result. Ross calls HBK a first ballot Hall of Famer. Who makes the ballots for that thing? I want that job. My first step: shorten the class size to like 5.

We start off fast, shocking no one. They already reference the 95 Rumble so at least they’re starting it early. To kill some time we list of some of Shawn’s accomplishments because we have to do that at least once a week. The heel heat that Edge is already drawing is really impressive. In a painful looking spot, Edge hits the Edge-O-Matic on the floor. That can’t feel good, which I think is the point. The crowd is hot tonight so that’s good.

Within maybe 30 seconds of each other, Lawler says that Edge has never gotten a world title shot and Ross says if Edge ever starts doing shampoo commercials he’ll be perfect. For those that have no clue why this is interesting, both of those things not only happened, but they both happened in 2002. Yeah I need a life don’t I? After Shawn comes back for a good while we hit the floor where Edge hits a spear.

For the love of mangoes he needs a new finisher. This is kind of an odd choice for an opening match. They’re both big names, so why not save this for a bit later? I guess because with only five matches on the card there’s no other place to put it. Edge tunes up the band but instead throws out the spear for two. Edge counters Sweet Chin Music into a SWEET electric chair that gets two. Edge is having a mental breakdown over this and his facials are still epic.

He counters a sunset flip into that weird kneeling Sharpshooter thing he would do that was always weird looking. The hold looks just completely awful when you look at it for more than three seconds. Shawn is in it over a minute and doesn’t tap which is fairly cool I suppose. Edge finishes with a reversed rollup and uses the ropes for a pin. I like that ending. Edge’s reaction of completely freaking out and screaming I DID IT was just awesome.

Rating: B. It took me awhile to figure out if I liked this match or not. The ending made it for me though as Edge getting the win was a big deal. Shawn definitely didn’t need a win here while this was Edge’s biggest win of his career at this point. The ropes at the end helped a lot too to play up Edge as a heel. This was a very good match overall with the booking being especially good.

We go to the back where Bischoff and Long, who more or less is the same character that he is now. Torrie and Christy are running the number draw as Eddie and Flair come in, both dressed like kings. Eddie starts to reach in but Flair stops him. He dances a bit and says 16 times.

Eddie pulls his hand back and lets Ric go first. That was great to me for some reason. Ric is thrilled with his number and Eddie is upset. Ric brags and then Eddie hugs him. Flair shows the girls his number and realizes Eddie stole his and chases after him. That was a lot better than it sounds.

Heidenreich is in the back, talking about how he hates caskets. Snitsky comes up and says he knows Heidenreich hates caskets, but they like each other and Snitsky has an idea. There are more gay overtones here than there were with Piper and Bob Orton, and that’s saying A LOT.

We recap Taker vs. Heidenreich (Jon, because that takes too long to type) which more or less was Heyman bringing Jon in and them fighting a bit. Jon was supposed to be some big tough fighter or something but he was bland as all goodness and it bombed badly.

Heidenreich vs. Undertaker

This is a casket match. They actually start with wrestling stuff, shocking the heck out of me. Taker keeps using headlocks to drag Jon to the casket. That’s really smart as it freaks Jon out. Jon is kind of an MMA/street fighter kind of guy but he’s just not that good at it. In an awesome spot, we’re in the corner with Jon throwing punches at Taker. Taker grabs the ropes and throws his legs up to tie up Jon in a triangle choke while still up in the corner. That was awesome.

Tazz points out why Cole is messing up the names of the moves which Cole gets annoyed with. For some reason the fans start booing the heck out of the match. Oh Snitsky is here. They double team Taker with a double suplex and Jon somehow manages to botch that. Do you have any idea how hard it is to mess up a move like that? Kane is in the casket. This was supposed to be Taker’s match at Mania. I’m glad they went with Taker vs. Orton instead aren’t you?

The announcers are of course stunned at someone hiding in a casket, despite Taker having done it about a million times. Jon moves the casket away from the ring for no apparent reason. Taker is back to beat on him some more as we have a Christian Coalition sign in the front row. TNA is already spreading. They’re on PPV at this point so I guess it’s possible, even though Christian was still in WWE at this point so ignore me.

Apparently Taker’s knee is hurt or something like that. Jon pulls back the mat as this match is a train wreck at this point. With Taker laying on the floor, Jon gets a running start with the casket to ram it into Taker. Granted he was almost under the ring so it actually would have been easy to get out of the way so there we go. Jon goes to his finisher: a cobra clutch. Are you starting to see why this guy was such an epic failure?

Naturally as Taker is put in the casket, he gets an arm out. This needs to end, like NOW. Jon uses a Boss Man Slam which Cole says Taker nailed him with. Yeah they botched that call something awful. The crowd really isn’t that interested either. Jon rolls him to the casket and in the EXACT SAME SEQUENCE, Taker gets out. After a REALLY bad chokeslam, the tombstone finally ends this.

Rating: D-. This was just bad on a lot of levels. There were all kinds of blown spots and the Snitsky and Kane run in was completely pointless. What’s the point in booking Taker in these matches if he never loses them? Jon was supposed to be Taker’s arch rival. That’s just funny. At least this finally ended this awful feud so we don’t have to put up with it anymore. This was really bad.

Ad for Mania.

In the back, Long wants Eddie to give back the number. Eddie’s face is priceless on this. Evolution shows up and demands it back, but Eddie gives it up. He’s also made to give back Flair’s wallet which Flair didn’t know about. Why aren’t these guys ever sued? Anyway, Batista says he needs to go get his number and he’ll be right back. HHH says they have to plan something. Batista says it’ll only take a minute and HHH orders him to stay. This doesn’t go well. Well at least they didn’t try to be subtle.

Christian and Tomko are ready to pick their numbers. He’s happy with it until Cena comes in to a huge pop. They have a battle rap that goes nowhere. The best part is when Christian asks Tomko for a beat and Tomko just says no. Cena makes gay jokes and the crowd pops for no apparent reason.

JBL is champion. Angle wants to be champion. Show wants to be champion. If that’s not validation for a triple threat I don’t know what is.

Smackdown World Title: Big Show vs. Kurt Angle vs. JBL

Angle and JBL had a last man standing match on Smackdown apparently so they’re both sore. JBL with the limo was always cool. Show is the odds on favorite apparently. They did a double knock out on Smackdown. This is in the middle of JBL’s reign of doom where he held the belt for almost ten months. They need to get that belt back. It just looks awesome. Apparently there’s a petition to get rid of Teddy Long.

Angle hides on the floor which is a smart idea. They’re broadcasting in New Zealand apparently, so there you go Shadow! Show chops people quite a bit. Show is more or less dominating here. We have steps set up leading to the table which is a bit odd. Show sets for a chokeslam on JBL through it from on top of the steps, but Angle low blows him and a monitor shot puts Show through the table so it’s Angle and JBL at the moment.

The two of them fight it out in the ring to kill some time for Big Show to get back. Geez Show is huge compared to when he was the Giant still. That guy could have carried a company but he had to get all big and fat and slow and it didn’t work at all. Show gets back in and beats both guys up again and looks ready to win, more or less guaranteeing that he won’t. Just as I say that, the others team up to put him down with a combination Clothesline and chop block.

Show hits a chokeslam but JBL gets the foot on the rope. Show is actually moving with something resembling speed. And there goes the barricade as Show puts JBL through it. We cue up the run ins as Jindrak and Reigns come in to take out Big Show while the Cabinet gets JBL up and gives him a chair.

It isn’t used though as Angle walks into the Clothesline for the pin to keep the title as the fans boo the heck out of it. They don’t have much to boo about as he got a clean pin. Show got robbed apparently and would get a barbed wire cage match the next month that had a cool ending.

Rating: B. While I hate triple threats, this was pretty good. There was a flow here that you don’t often see in them as they kept one guy down for a good amount of the match in Big Show, which is definitely a good idea given how big he is and that he was the favorite. While it’s no classic, I like this one I think. It’s better than most I’ve seen if nothing else.

Batista won’t get rid of Long via the petition. He threatens Carlito who swallows the apple. In a continuous camera shot we go to the place where numbers are drawn and the GMs are arguing. Apparently Evolution is barred from ringside in the next match and Batista wants to tell HHH. You can see the turn a mile away.

Promo for Mania. It’s the Hollywood one this time.

Ross and Lawler talk about the PPV theme song and the Raw main event for no apparent reason.

We recap it as they had been feuding for months yet they kept going at it anyway. Who would have seen that? Orton allegedly wasn’t allowed to have another shot but of course he’s getting it again here. Orton got cheated out of the title at New Year’s Revolution by Evolution so he gets the shot here. I love how these guys have been feuding for almost five years over a team that existed for all of two years.

Raw World Title: Randy Orton vs. HHH

Orton is the somewhat over face here. He was far more over about 4 months ago but because he was over, HHH was clearly the better choice for the belt than the young, over hotshot that was getting better and more popular every time he got in the ring. Orton goes for an RKO and HHH throws him over the ropes. Why couldn’t it injure him like it did in I think their second last man standing match? Orton used to have this weird style of punches that he’s using here.

I’ve never been able to get into it either. Oh and Orton has a bad knee of course. He swears about 7 times in 5 seconds in a nice touch. Why does something tell me that this will be by far and away the longest match of the night outside of the Rumble? HHH is already using the figure four because he has to be the new Ric Flair in every single way he can be. So we start fast and now HHH has decided to slow things down.

Did I mention that I really hate this match and rivalry? If there’s ever been a guy that has changed so completely over the years, it’s Orton. He’s almost unrecognizable both as far as looks go and the way he works in the ring. It’s a total contrast. Orton is bleeding badly from the lip and looks a lot like Ted DiBiase in that shot. He counters a Pedigree as I just couldn’t care less about this match.

There’s just something that’s always been missing between these two when they got at it and it’s always hurt this match. Granted this is better than most of their future matches, but the problem is already coming clearly here: they want this to be some epic encounter but at the same time, nothing ever comes of it and that’s not a good thing at all. Orton takes a shot to the head and looks like he has a concussion that I think is faked as they keep getting shots of it.

Dang it the referee went down. This match just needs to end and it needs to do so now. It’s hammer time as I’d advise you to make your own jokes. We’ve hit the part of the match that always happens between these two. There comes a point where it’s always about the hammer and not about the wrestling at all. This is where these matches lose it for me as I just freaking don’t care anymore about them.

Why does everything have to follow the same formula of a long match leading up to one moment where the hammer is the key to the whole thing while the referee is down? It always comes to this and it’s just boring to say the least. Also, get some referees that can take a freaking hit. HHH gets the Pedigree and the academic pin to thankfully end this with HHH STILL having the belt.

Rating: D+. This was the same match you’ve seen from these guys a dozen times but with Orton as the face. HHH was clearly going to win and it was to have a title match on the show and nothing more. There was no point to this at all and it just wasn’t interesting whatsoever. HHH and Orton simply can’t have a great match and they need to stop trying like they seem to have done.

Nunzio gets a spot in the Rumble and Angle steals it from him and says it’s his unless Nunzio wants to fight for it. Ok then.

JBL and the Cabinet come into the drawing room celebrating with champagne and Long says there’s a barbed wire cage match at No Way Out. JBL’s face is great here.

Ross and Tazz are doing the commentary for the Rumble again.

Royal Rumble

Eddie is number one and Benoit is number two. Not a bad way to start. Benoit is rocking the teal here. Dang Benoit has bad luck as he was first last year. This is borderline chilling when you think about it. Naturally, this is a technical showcase which is what it should be. Daniel Puder, perhaps the most worthless wrestler in a long time, is third. His theme song is Getting Away With Murder. Talk about chilling.

It should be noted that the runner up in the Tough Enough show that Puder won was the Miz. Talk about two different career paths. Geez. Puder gets on the mic and says he’s great. Was there something in the water at that Tough Enough show? Naturally the two former world champions beat the living tar out of him. More or less they just spend the 90 seconds chopping and suplexing the heck out of him as Holly, the rookie hater, is 4th. This should be great.

He gets in and asks if he can have some fun with Puder too. He’s had zero offense. This really is quite funny. Even Holly is over because of this. Think about that for a bit. Holly throws what’s left of him out as Hurricane is 5th. Benoit and Guerrero throw out Holly since he’s useless again to get us down to three. They team up and Eddie tries to throw Benoit out and they’re at it again. Hurricane is out as Kenzo Suzuki, another completely worthless human being is number 6.

This Rumble feels like it hasn’t even gotten started yet and since we’re 1/5 of the way through, that’s not good. Again they double team the other guy until Benoit tries to throw Eddie out. Edge is in at seven. Rey is eighth as nothing at all is happening. Kenzo is out almost immediately. It’s not a good sign at all when you have four world champions in the ring and there’s just nothing going on at all. I mean it’s just boring for some reason.

The Guerrero vs. Mysterio feud was coming soon and it would be Eddie’s next to last major one. Shelton Benjamin, the IC Champion, is number 9. He hadn’t had his big match with Shawn yet to really get him over but it was coming. At this point he was just a guy with untapped potential rather than now as a guy that no one takes seriously with untapped potential. He would finally break out soon after this at MITB at Mania.

Booker takes us to ten as the least successful wrestler out of the 6 in there is Shelton Benjamin. They’re blowing their load too fast here as Tazz messes up by saying that Booker vs. HHH was last year. Benjamin might have gone out but we’re looking at Bischoff who just showed up for no apparent reason. We continue the insane star power in there with Jericho at 11th. He’s WAY over with a huge Y2J chant.

Hey looks here’s Teddy Long as Vince continues the theory of keep pushing the Brand Split until people accept it so you can say it was a good idea. Luther (for admin) Reigns comes in at 12 to break that streak. There are way too many people in there right now. Now we throw every man for himself out the window as Raw and Smackdown get on different sides for four one on one matches that consist of Rey vs. Jericho, Benoit vs. Reigns, Booker vs. Edge and Eddie vs. Shelton.

This is kind of cool but kind of stupid as it’s turning the Rumble into an even bigger gimmick match than it usually is. Muhammad Hassan, the most controversial wrestler perhaps of the millennium, is number 13. Everyone stops cold for this. His manager is more commonly known as Sheik Abdul Bashir in case you didn’t know that. In a humorous bit, everyone jumps him at once to a great pop. Rey gets 619 and then almost everyone picks him up and throws him out as a group. That was great.

Orlando Jordan is number 14 as this needs to stop being so gimmicky. Tazz tries to compare Orlando Jordan to Shelton Benjamin. That’s just amazing. In a TERRIBLE shot, Shelton is choking Jericho with his feet and Jericho has to grab the foot to move it to his throat. It looked terrible. Scotty is number 15, apparently returning from a tumor. Hassan keeps up a tradition of beating up Scotty on his way to the ring. That has to be what, three times?

So for another year, Scotty doesn’t get into the match. Charlie Haas is 16th. How in the world did he get a chick like Jackie Gayda? Booker throws out Luther (for admin) and Orlando with ease. Booker goes for a spinaroonie but Eddie jumps him to put him out. We have Benoit, Guerrero, Shelton, Edge, Jericho, Haas and Rey in there at the moment. In yet another chilling line, Ross says Benoit and Guerrero are still alive.

Rene Dupree and the poodle is seventeenth to insane heat. The World’s Greatest Tag Team reunites for all of a second with Shelton then going for a Stinger Splash, actually called that by Ross, and Edge dumps him. Simon Dean is 18th as the Rumble is legal. While he’s warming up on the floor, Edge throws out Eddie to great heat. Shawn is 19th. He hammers Edge before casually turning around to clothesline Dean out. Eddie gets a huge chant as he leaves.

Ross says that Edge is trying to corner Rey in a corner. Shawn throws out Haas which gets no recognition as Ross thinks it was Dupree. Angle is 20 and he comes in and stays insane since saying going insane wouldn’t make a lot of sense. Shawn misses a superkick but hits the second to put Angle out in a shocker. Angle is TICKED. Currently we have Benoit, Edge, Rey, Jericho, Dupree and Shawn in there and they’re joined by the Coach of all people at 21.

This is the thing I hate about rumbles like these: what’s the point of putting him in there? Was there no one else on Raw that could have gone in there at all? I mean you couldn’t throw Lawler in there who at least was a wrestler? Rey almost puts Jericho as Jindrak comes in at 22. Angle runs back in and beats up Shawn and throws him over the top. Shawn is bleeding and apparently is out now, setting up their Mania 21 classic.

Number 23 is Viscera who still has no one that cares about him. At least he’s got a shirt on here. Paul London is 25th and he slides in so fast that he almost goes out the other side. Dupree does that stupid French Tickler dance and Jericho puts him out for it. Cena is 24th to a MASSIVE pop. Tazz likes him way too much.

He was just about to shatter the glass ceiling as he would win the world title at Mania from JBL. He manages to backdrop Viscera to eliminate him. I don’t care if you like Cena or not: he has SCARY strength.

Snitsky is 26th. London jumps him and in a video that’s become popular on the internet for obvious reasons, Gene clotheslines him so hard that London got spun backwards which I don’t think was planned. Kane is 27th, causing Tazz to freak over the way that Ross has to put up with these explosions. As someone that’s been surprised by his pyro, I feel his pain. Kane cleans house of course and there goes Jindrak.

A shirtless Coach tries to jump him but Snitsky saves him. London goes out on a stretcher. Batista is 28th and the pop is epic. They were pushing him to the moon around this time and it clearly was the right decision at the end. There goes Snitsky. Kane continues his tradition of getting beaten up by Batista, this time taking the powerbomb. Batista puts out his third guy by throwing out Jericho.

Christian is 29th, finally with the Just Close Your Eyes theme whose current version I’m completely addicted to. Cena goes off on Edge to show off their future great feud. Cena gets a half F5 half FU to Kane to put him out. Flair is number 30, making the final group Benoit, Edge, Coach, Batista, Cena, Christian, Rey and Flair. So other than Coach, all world champions in some company. Not bad at all. Flair throws Coach to Batista for a spinebuster and Flair throws him out.

There goes Christian. He and Edge were both wearing purple. Benoit and Flair have a chop off. Flair and Batista do the same thing to Benoit that they did to Coach. Flair tries to throw out Batista and it doesn’t go well. Rey and Edge knock Batista down with a double dropkick. Edge puts Flair out and your final four are Edge, Rey, Cena and Batista. Not bad at all. Edge hits a spear on Batista and Cena but Rey avoids it.

619 hits but Rey goes too fast and goes over and a spear puts him on the floor. Batista and Cena put Edge out to get the dream match for the final two. The crowd reacts to this in a great way. This has to headline Mania someday. Cena gets him up for the FU but Batista gets out. Cena is put up for the Batista Bomb but they go out at the same time in an homage to the 94 Rumble. Screw the homage part. It’s the same finish, but to be fair that was 11 years ago so I think it’s ok.

The referees argue over it until Vince comes out. He slides into the ring and hits his legs on the apron, ripping his quads and knees apart. He tries to stand up and just crumples to the ground in agony. Instead of screaming in pain or whatever, he sits on the mat leaning against the ropes and does his thing. Batista clearly is about to lose it. Think about it from his perspective for a minute.

You’re wrestling in the main event of the Royal Rumble, one of the biggest shows on the year and you’re in an angle that’s going to send you to Wrestlemania, and your boss, a billionaire, is sitting on the mat after collapsing and ripping his legs apart, not to mention the epic adrenaline rush you must have just been on. Think about that for a minute or two. Anyway, Fink says Vince ordered the match to be restarted.

This translates into Cena vs. Batista. Shouldn’t that mean Benoit and Guerrero come out again and we do the whole Rumble over? That’s what it sounds like to me. Anyway, Batista throws Cena over and then Cena throws Batista over before this is said which is just stupid, at least from Cena. FU is countered and after a spinebuster, Batista throws him out for the easy win.

Rating: B-. I’ve seen far worse I guess. This match never really seemed to get going for my tastes. Now to be fair while it was clear that Batista was the winner before the match even started, they did have Cena out there as a potential winner along with Edge who was a new main event guy, so at least they tried.

I just couldn’t get into this as there were too many things where the match more or less stopped for something. Also having the huge rush of talent in the first third hurt later parts of the match where those guys could come out. It was good but it could have been a lot better.

Overall Rating: B-. There’s some good stuff and there’s some bad stuff here, but the good is more prolific than the bad here. This was a lot more about changing the guard by launching Batista and Cena into the next level which makes it a bit awkward but that’s ok I think. They were the right choices and this was a great way to do the change. I like the show overall, but the second and fourth matches leave a bit to be desired. Not bad, but don’t expect to be blown away.

Royal Rumble 2004
Date: January 25, 2004
Location: Wachovia Center, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
Attendance: 17,289
Commentators: Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, Tazz, Michael Cole, Jonathan Coachman

So another year has passed and the only real change is that Evolution is running wild on Raw. Yeah, HHH is champion again, Benoit is still having great matches but getting nowhere with them, Brock still owns the world, and the Dudleys are still the only tag team worth a thing. The levels of similarity between the two shows astounds me. Oh and Cena is now a face. Yeah that’s all I’ve got.

This really was a show that doesn’t mean much in the history of the company because nothing much happens. Shawn and HHH are going to have another classic in their endless series and Lesnar is having a match with Hardcore Holly of all people. Let that sink in for a bit before we start this up.

Naturally the opening video is about Shawn and HHH, because, you know, they’re more important than the match the show is named after. The whole thing is about roads which is fine but geez, could you be a bit more subtle next time? I didn’t really get what you were trying to talk about here.

Raw Tag Titles: Dudley Boys vs. Ric Flair/Batista

This is in the Evolution period so Flair thinks he’s a Horseman still I guess. It’s a tables match so at least we don’t have to worry about it lasting long. Evolution came in as champions here after having the belts stolen from them a month before. Oh and they’re 17 time champions here. They put Coach through a table on Raw in a pointless segment. Oh dang it they gave Batista a mic. Who thought this was a good idea at this point in his career?

The fight is on in the aisle, and I think Flair is on the verge of bleeding already. In a cool spot, Bubba is on one side of the ring and gets a table out. He slides it across the ring and it hits Batista on the floor on the other side of the ring. That was impressive. Seeing Dave with a lot of hair is just amusing. Flair is told to suck on that by Bubba which is an image I never want again. We go to a completely ranomd shot over the shoulders of the announcers. What the heck was the point of that?

The Dudleys hit that reverse neckbreaker that is always called a 3D by idiotic fans in the crowd. Shockingly, Flair is slammed off the top rope. Coach leaves for no apparent reason as Flair is about to get a 3D. He almost gets the What’s Up but Flair stops it. Batista puts D-Von through a table to end it. That was incredibly pointless.

Rating: C. It’s four and a half minutes long. How much of a rating could I actually give this thing? It was a way to give Evolution a bit more credibility as champions and that’s what it did. They lost them to RVD and Booker a few weeks later but whatever. This was fine for an opener I guess.

We go to the back and I have to take a break for a minute as Josh Matthews looks like a cross between Vanilla Ice and….something not meant to be crossed with Vanilla Ice. I mean it’s just hilarious. Anyway, he’s with Cena who is a face now but he still raps. RVD interrupts him in a bizarre cameo. Cena was getting there but he wasn’t quite there yet.

We see a chair that’s reserved for Foley. This is in the middle of the angle where he was afraid of Orton and refused to fight him.

Cruiserweight Title: Rey Mysterio vs. Jamie Noble

Talk about two careers that have gone in completely opposite directions since this. Rey comes out first for no apparent reason. If Noble’s music was any more generic it would be off an American Idol winner’s CD. Oh yeah and Nidia, Noble’s girlfriend, has been blinded by Tajiri. It’s a fake, and if that surprises you I have to wonder why you’re here. Apparently Noble has been using her to help him win matches without her knowing about it.

Cole gets in the flat out stupid line of “Nidia looking on”. Cole, you are a plague upon mankind. Even Tazz calls him out for saying something stupid. How bad does that tell you he is? Nidia trips Noble “by mistake” and Rey gets a 619 and drops the dime for the win. Yeah that’s really all that happened. It’s a 3 minute match.

Rating: N/A. There’s more or less nothing here to grade so I can’t do it justice. The angle was stupid though and this is kind of insulting to the crusierweights. They give them 3 minutes for their title? Seriously, what’s the point in even having them out there? This was stupid and is a great example of why this division is considered a freaking joke.

So Chavo can’t stand Eddie because he’s jealous or something stupid like that.

Eddie Guerrero vs. Chavo Guerrero Jr.

I put Jr. because Chavo Sr. is with Chavo here. This was right before Eddie turned into the mega face and would become the most overrated wrestler in recent history. Yes Eddie was great, but you would think he was the second coming of Lou Thesz based on how much praise he got all of a sudden. He’s mad over here but still it’s annoying considering they’re still using his name in angles now.

Now in case you didn’t know that they grew up more or less as brothers, they’re going to let you know for the first time in the first two minutes. That should only be mentioned about 15 more times in the match. Oh and apparently Chavo hates Eddie now. I get that we have faces vs. heels, but this pro-Eddie stuff from Cole here is driving me insane. SHUT UP ALREADY. WE GET IT. In a funny spot, Chavo does Eddie’s dance thing and Eddie just flips him off. That was great.

Oh Eddie refuses to punch too. Chavo Sr., who is Eddie’s brother in case you can’t remember the family tree in your head, trips him to give Chavo the advantage. Since Chavo pales in the shadows of Eddie though, that lasts all of a second. Chavo steals Eddie’s sequence of moves, so Eddie follows it up by doing the exact same sequence. This allows for the frog splash to end it. That was just pointless. Eddie follows it up with a long beatdown of both Chavos to fill in some time.

Rating: C+. The wrestling here was quite good, but I still don’t get what was accomplished here. Eddie was just treading water at this point until less than a week later when he was launched into being number one contender for the Smackdown Title in a battle royal. This ended this mini feud so I guess that’s the point it served. I never liked Eddie vs. Chavo for some reason, but the wrestling was very solid.

Buy Mick Foley’s Greatest Hits and Misses. No you really should as it’s a cool set.

Benoit is in the back with Josh Matthews but Flair and Evolution interrupt him. If anyone can explain to me logically why Benoit was never made into the next big star of the Horsemen in WCW, I’ll get you a ham sandwich. They talk about Benoit being unable to win the big one, which more or less gives away the ending to the Rumble.

Since apparently I murdered a baby in a past life or something, we recap Bob Holly vs. Lesnar. It’s an even numbered year so it’s time to push him again. Holly fought Lesnar in 2002 and Lesnar messed up a powerbomb and it broke Holly’s neck. That apparently is what it takes for him to get a title shot. Holly kept jumping Brock and trying to hurt him with a full nelson. Yes, Hardcore Holly is getting a title shot at the Royal freaking Rumble. Just take me now.

Smackdown World Title: Brock Lesnar vs. Hardcore Holly

They announce Holly and that this is for the WWE Title and I expect Chimmel to just break up laughing. I mean seriously how could you keep a straight face announcing that? It’s amazing to think that Lesnar would be done with the WWE in three months. Holly jumps him before the match starts so the bell rings while Holly is waiting on Brock to get up. He misses a cross body, meaning that he was in control for all of two seconds of this match.

After that, it’s all Brock. I mean literally, four minutes have passed and Holly has been on defense since then. Tazz and Cole are really trying to make this sound like a legit match. They even say that Holly might be pound for pound the strongest guy in the company. That’s just completely stupid. Hey there’s offense! It’s a head slap and two punches and he’s down again. Also most of this is Brock with Holly on the mat in a hold.

He gets a slightly longer one here, even hitting his finisher, the Alabama Slam (think of a guy going for a sunset flip but not getting over and the guy he’s using it on grabbing his legs and slamming him back down to the mat). Naturally though he doesn’t cover but goes for the stupid submission and since that doesn’t work, the F5 ends this in like 6 minutes.

Rating: D-. This was a squash on PPV for the title. I can get the idea of having a throwaway feud that ends at the Rumble to set up the real feud at Mania, but this was just a waste of time. Serious, HARDCORE HOLLY is the best you can do? You couldn’t throw someone like Cena in there for a quick feud and title match that went 12 minutes or so? Vince loved Holly for some reason and refused to quit pushing him until he finally woke up and fired him.

We’re four matches into a six match card. The longest match so far: Eddie vs. Chavo at eight minutes and three seconds. I know I complain about PPVs being too much like a TV show but this is ridiculous.

HHH and Shawn are getting ready for their title match tonight. Of course it’s seven years in the making despite them feuding extensively since then. Basically this time Shawn had gotten a title shot in his home town and pinned HHH, but his shoulders were down too so HHH kept the belt.

That’s a great match that you should check out which I believe is on the Heartbreak and Triumph DVD. They go through the usual whining about HHH taking Shawn’s spot after the injury and I want to beat myself with a rock. This highlight package literally goes on for almost four minutes. WE GET IT.

Raw World Title: Shawn Michaels vs. HHH

This is last man standing. From the beginning of the recap package to the bell was about seven and a half minutes. Shawn is finally back to looking like a pro wrestler instead of looking like a tiny man that he was in the Elimination Chamber. What’s the deal with announcers always misusing the word literally? Monsoon said they were literally hanging from the rafters and Lawler says they’re literally beating the tar out of each other. No, not really.

Ross follows that up with a line saying that Michaels made a calculated mistake. I just shake my head and move on. In a shocking turn of events, HHH works on Shawn’s back. Lawler goes on a limb and says that Shawn’s back might be healed SIX YEARS AFTER HE HURT IT. I love how they try to make it sound like Shawn left and then HHH was a big deal the next day. In reality it took about a year for him to get to the big time and another year and the Rock before anyone took him seriously.

Shawn hooks on a figure four and Ross manages to plug the recently released Flair DVD. If anyone has ever been a better or more hardworking salesman than Vince McMahon, I want to meet them and buy something from them. We’re already seeing the problem that exists in every Last Man Standing match: the first fifteen minutes or so mean nothing.

You can go do something else while waiting on that part to end. There will be some decent spots, but it’s simply not going to end during that amount of time. We move to the let’s dodge each other’s finishers which is clichéd but fine I guess.

Shawn goes to the apron and tries a reverse springboard cross body to the floor but eats table in a good looking spot. Since it’s a big match, Shawn is bleeding. I know he emulates Flair but come on now. Hey let’s get a chair since we haven’t had enough violence so far. Naturally Shawn is up in time because we haven’t had the big face comeback yet. In case you can’t tell, I’m not thrilled by this match. It’s ok, but nothing great.

Shawn blocks a Pedigree and slingshots HHH in front of the turnbuckle so HHH can jump to hit the post. Shawn kills him with the chair for an eight or so. Both guys are bleeding. Shawn nips up and the fans are into this if nothing else. He initiates his ending sequence which is just like what Bret Hart would do even though he’s nothing like Bret Hart right?

For the life of me, if Shawn wants to hit a big kick, WHY DOES HE STOMP THE MAT WHILE THE OTHER GUY IS GETTING UP??? That’s just freaking STUPID. Oh come on now. After Shawn gets low blowed, he hooks a sleeper. While it’s psychologically a good move, it’s the best way possible to kill a crowd dead. This match has been 80% punching and chopping.

This match is going on, but all of the clichéd spots like the long double count are just getting annoying as all goodness. A Pedigree puts Shawn down again. He gets up and since he just took a big finisher he’s able to hit Sweet Chin Music out of nowhere, because you know, that’s perfectly reasonable. This leads to a double count out which gets booed out of the freaking building.

This caused Shawn to be completely ridiculous and consistently demand that he get a title shot and generally coming off like a total whiny little troll. This is why Shawn was in the Mania main event, and yes, I think it had a lot to do with HHH making sure that his buddy got to main event ANOTHER Mania and kept him from having to job to Benoit clean, but you’ve heard more than enough rants about that.

Rating: C+. This match felt like it was missing the middle part. It felt like 18 minutes of the feeling out process and then we shifted to the finish for about five minutes. The double count out thing I couldn’t stand but at least they had a plan for these two moving forward.

The problem though is that it’s just Shawn vs. HHH. This feud went on forever and while it’s a big match, it’s been done. That’s the thing: it’s just more of HHH only making his buddy look good instead of just allowing him to lay down for Benoit at Mania like he should have. It’s not bad, but once you think about it the match loses some luster.

We go to a long video package about the Rumble, mainly focusing on Benoit which completely gives away the winner. He’s number one and Goldberg is number 30. Yeah that’s about it.

Austin, Heyman and Bischoff get together. Hilarity ensues.

Brock and Goldberg look at each other. I think Goldberg wants to go get some coffee.

Royal Rumble

As mentioned, Benoit is first and Orton is number 2. Tazz and Ross are doing the commentary tonight and Orton is the IC Champion here. These two would headline Summerslam in about 7 months in a great match which led to Orton’s horribly botched face turn. GEEZ Orton looks different here as he more or less was all clean cut like some college kid. Compare that to what you see now and you’ll be amazed.

I’m not sure if I like this style of the Rumble. I like having bigger names in at the beginning, but they couldn’t have made it clearer that Benoit was winning if they put the WM 20 poster on the mat for this. I like these hard hitting people if nothing else. Henry is 3rd as I think the intervals are two minutes or so. Teddy Long is managing Henry here which means more or less nothing. After about a minute, Tajiri is 4th. I know this because there’s a graphic in the corner that says Tajiri 4th.

He and Benoit do some sweet looking technical stuff. Bradshaw is 5th and somehow he would be world champion in 6 months. He clotheslines everyone but Benoit who pulls him into a crossface. Bradshaw picks him up and tries to dump him but Benoit holds on and pulls Bradshaw out. Rhyno is 6th here as the intervals are actually staying pretty close to accurate here.

Tajiri puts Henry in the Tarantula but Rhyno gores Henry to knock Tajiri out. That’s actually pretty creative and I liked it. Benoit puts Henry out by just running into him a few times to a solid pop. It was bigger last year but we’re not going to speak of that. Oh Henry took some mist according to a replay to cause him to be in the Tarantula. Matt Hardy is seventh. We now have Benoit, Orton, Rhyno and Hardy in there. Hardy is a face here I think. Yeah he’s getting pops.

I just don’t think he means anything as a singles guy, which would date this show as sometime between 2001 and the present. The two successful singles guys and the two lesser so successful singles guys are together. In at eight is Scott Steiner who means more or less nothing at this point. He dominates for the most part with amazingly enough, more suplexes. In an amusing moment, Benoit is just like boy please and starts throwing Steiner around with them.

Ross points out something interesting by saying that no one in this Rumble has won before. Again, that’s the point of an announcer. Lines like that can do a lot as far as elevating a match. Number 9 is MATT FREAKING MORGAN! They know he’s awesome even here where he’s been around all of a few months. Even WWE bills him as 7’0 tall even though he’s about 6’8. He puts Benoit down with a huge power bomb though.

They refer to him as a rookie here so he hasn’t been around long. I know he came out of nowhere at SS 03 and then left around Mania before coming back as Carlito’s bodyguard. Hurricane is tenth. Morgan throws him out in a few seconds and he lands really badly on his leg and might be legit hurt. He almost puts out Hardy who makes a nice save.

Morgan just looks at him while he comes back in which just looks stupid. Booker is 11th and is apparently a favorite to win this? He has a bad rap version of his theme song. He and Steiner go at it and we get a WCW reference. Benoit and Morgan just sounds like a TNA dream match. Ross says that Benoit is still alive somehow. That’s a creepy line. Morgan has shrunk to 6’10 apparently but grows back to 6’11 before Kane is in at 12.

Steiner goes out off camera thanks to Booker. Morgan either has lifts in his shoes or something is weird about his height as he’s almost Kane’s size. They do a smart thing though and spin the camera angles a lot while they’re fighting though. As a recap, we have Benoit, Orton, Rhyno (who gores Hardy as I say that for his first noticeable anything in about 10 minutes), Hardy, Morgan, Booker and Kane.

Of those seven, three would be in TNA within four years. That’s either saying a lot or nothing at all and I’m not sure which. Kane is the only person up as the clock goes down to zero. The lights go out and a gong sounds. To say the crowd pops is an understatement. Kane had buried Taker alive (again) back at Survivor Series. Only in wrestling would that make perfect sense.

That had ended the biker gimmick as Taker would come back as the Dead Man at Mania to face Kane in a glorified squash match. Kane is distracted and Booker puts him out. Spike comes out as number 13 and never gets in the ring. You figure out why not. Rikishi is in at 14 after about a minute of waiting. Benoit puts out Rhyno as Rikishi gets in. Morgan gets a stink face as he must be counting the days to getting to TNA. Tazz mentions that Benoit is hanging in there, which sent a chill up my spine.

Less than 75 seconds later, Renee Dupree is number 15. He actually puts Matt Hardy out with relative ease. That’s surprising if nothing else. Rikishi puts him out a few seconds later. A-Train is in at 16 as he must be about gone from the company at this point. Yeah he would be gone in November after getting hurt in the summer. Benoit puts Morgan out. Orton puts out Booker and Rikishi in about 15 seconds. That’s not bad at all.

Benoit puts out A-Train just as Shelton gets in at number 17. A-Train goes over the ropes and to the floor, and Tazz says that he thinks A-Train is out and I shake my head. Orton puts out Shelton and we’re back to where we started out. Both are down as a guy in a fake afro comes out to introduce Ernest Miller at 18. This was one of the dumbest signings ever as Miller was barely over in WCW so he got hired here for no apparent reason.

Anyway, after dancing badly for a bit, Orton puts him out. In a very funny moment, Benoit tries to throw out Lamont, the guy that did the introduction but as he runs him to the ropes to throw him, just the hair goes off. It’s a lot better than it sounds. Angle is 19th to a HUGE pop. This is kind of a dream trip in there really. Naturally he and Benoit beat the tar out of each other.

Rico, now in his full gay stage, is 20th. Tazz sums him up in one line: you have to be as tough as Rico to wear those pants in the Royal Rumble. Rico was a guy that never got a fair shake as a wrestler. He was chained down by his gimmick and no one could ever take him seriously. If nothing else though, I’ve never heard a single bad thing about him and before and after wrestling he was a police officer in Nevada where he graduated at the top of his class both times.

Like him or not, that’s very impressive. Orton hits an RKO on him and puts him out. As Benoit and Angle beat even more tar out of each other, Test is 21st as no one cares. Main reason no one cares is he’s not here. Orton hits an RKO on Angle as we cut to the back where Test is out cold. Austin, who was sheriff or something like that at the time yells at someone we can’t see that they’re now number 21 as it was apparently the guys that did this to Test.

Austin sounds like Christian Bale from Dark Knight. It’s Mick Foley as the roof is completely gone after being blown off by his music. This was during an angle where Foley was afraid of Orton and refused to fight him on Raw back in December so he left the company. Ross says he knew Foley wasn’t a coward. The look on Orton’s face is absolutely perfect as he’s scared to death. Foley beats the living tar out of him and a Cactus Clothesline puts both of them out.

Foley beats on him even more on the floor as Christian is number 22. Oddly enough ECW is on at the moment and he’s in the main event (shocking isn’t it?). Orton is just getting killed by Foley this whole time. Scratch that he’s coming back with a SICK chair shot to Mick’s head. They fight up the entry way as they set up Rock and Foley vs. Evolution at Mania and the EPIC hardcore match at Backlash.

If you haven’t seen the Backlash match, go get Mick Foley’s Greatest Hits and Misses and check that match out. It’s a great DVD too. The final disc has four Foley matches on it where you can pick between original commentary or Foley and Joey Styles which is a cool idea. Nunzio is 23rd but he walks into Socko on the ramp. We haven’t seen anything in the ring for about a minute and a half at this point, but in this case it’s ok. The crowd is WAY into this.

Orton runs away and Foley staggers after him. Nunzio (Little Guido for you ECW fans) sits at ringside while everyone else fights in the ring. Tazz makes fun of Christian wearing pink tights. Ross says some great Canadians have worn pink tights which shuts Tazz up FAST. Big Show is in at 24. He’s finally back in normal looking tights which I couldn’t be happier about. Again, Ross says something very insightful: Yoko and Studd were both #24 when they won.

See, again, that’s something no one would ever pick up on and it offers something to think about. That’s the sign of a great announcer. Jericho is number 25. We have far too high of a Canadian to American ratio in there. Haas is in at 26th. Nunzio is still sitting outside. Jericho puts out Christian for the second year in a row apparently. Billy Gunn is 27th and is apparently returning.

Why in the world is he getting a pop? I just don’t get it. He gets a Fameasser on both Angle and Show which Ross points out is a bad idea because you have to have Show up to put him out. Ross stays on fire tonight by pointing out that number 27 has produced the most winners in history. Even Tazz says Ross is on a roll tonight.

Cena is number 28 to a solid pop. He would win his first title, the US, at Mania over Show who he’s feuding with at the moment. He puts Nunzio into the ring but gets jumped by the Italian and Show. Show slaps Nunzio on the back and Tazz says that’ll shake your ribs cheeks. Where in the world did that come from??? RVD is 29th and we know Goldberg is 30th. Cena hits the FU on Angle.

Your final grouping as Goldberg comes in: Benoit, Haas, Nunzio, Angle, Show, Jericho, Gunn, Cena, RVD and Goldberg. That’s a pretty sweet grouping when you think about it. Of the ten in there, you have four former world champions and three that would be champion in the future. That’s not bad at all. Goldberg destroys everyone in sight and throws out Haas. There goes Gunn. Nunzio is out. He sets to Jackhammer Big Show and here’s Brock to screw that up.

He nails Goldberg and then Angle throws him out during the stare down. If either guy was staying at Mania, that could have been EPIC. We’ve got six now. Show gets the Andre treatment which doesn’t work at all. Everyone keeps beating on him and then they realize they screwed up because he’s out cold and weighs 500lbs.

Ok, I get that he’s dead weight, but Angle has freakish strength and RVD holds a world record for a dead lift while doing the splits, yet five grown professional wrestlers can’t get him up? Show just goes insane and puts out Cena and RVD. Jericho shows his intelligence and gets the Walls of Jericho on Show. Show puts him out with one arm to just show off. The final three are Angle, Benoit and Show.

If nothing else they’ve saved the best guys for the ending. Angle hits an Angle Slam on Show which never stops being impressive. Benoit takes one that’s close to it but not quite. Show gets a chokeslam but Angle rolls through it into an ankle lock and Show taps again.

In an awesome looking sequence, Show is in the ankle lock and climbs up the ropes, then he kind of rolls forward over them to pull Angle out, because Angle couldn’t you know, LET GO OF HIS FREAKING LEG or something like that. Benoit rolls through a chokeslam with the most basic counter there is to it and continues his streak of being the only guy in history to consistently work on the right arm of an opponent.

Show taps again. That’s a nice bit of continuity there as all three submission guys manages to get him to tap but it means nothing. I like it though as it shows they’ve at least thought this out a bit. It’s so simply yet it ties the match together and shows that while Jericho and Angle are both great, they’re not as great as Benoit as only he gets rid of Show in the end. That’s a nice little touch and it works so well.

Show is in that thing for at least thirty seconds too so that has to hurt. Show breaks it with a similar counter to what Bradshaw did earlier. Benoit breaks the hour mark. Show, with his handlebar mustache, gets Benoit in a gorilla press but Benoit shifts into a chancers (DDT grip with the arm held also) to pull Show over the ropes and in a cool looking finish gets enough leverage to get him out.

That’s a perfect ending as Benoit didn’t use power or some contrived move. He did what he does best: got a hold on Show and used leverage to get him out. That’s textbook Benoit and it’s the only way he should have won this. The pop is great and for smarks everywhere, this was a perfect moment.

Rating: A. This was a great Rumble for multiple reasons. First of all, Benoit wasn’t focused on until the very end, which made it far less obvious that he was going to be the winner. He blended into the background, which helped him out a lot here. In the 92 Rumble where Flair more or less went wire to wire, he was the focus of the match. Here, Benoit was mentioned but it was far more casual. Second, the ending 6 or so were awesome.

There were a bunch of people there that could have won. Angle winning wouldn’t have surprised anyone I don’t think, and Show is always a legit contender in something like this. This match went very well and while it may not have been great, it was very fun. That’s the best way to describe it: fun.

Overall Rating: C+. The Rumble I the only thing here worth anything. Look back at the show and see what else you have. The tag title match is a squash, the Cruiserweight title match is 3 minutes long, Eddie vs. Chavo is ok at best, Hardcore Holly got a title shot, and Shawn and HHH had a decent but far from great match with a bad ending. Then you have a great Rumble. That’s not a lot to go on really.

The part that kills it for me is HHH and Shawn being the only other match longer than eight and a half minutes. Seriously, you couldn’t chop off 6 minutes of that and give three each to the first two matches? Overall, the show isn’t much at all, but the Rumble is great.

I won’t really recommend it as a lot of this stuff felt like it was from a 3 hour special or something. This wasn’t much, but the Benoit Rumble win is great stuff. You won’t find a better example of someone being launched into the main event than that right there. Definitely check that out, but other than that take a pass.

John Piermarini, a former WWE writer, has started a blog telling of all kinds of things that have been planned recently.  Everywhere on the forums I frequent (forums.wrestlezone.com.  Best forums there are and if you don’t believe me I’ll give you your money back) I hear about this and a few things pop to my mind.

1. Yes let’s just immediately believe everything this guy says.  Take it with a grain of salt people.

2. Do you really think Vince doesn’t know about this?  Do you really think he might not change things up to keep fans confused?  This could get interesting.

3. A lot of what he said was common sense if you really think about it.

Thoughts?

Smackdown
Date: January 21, 2011
Location: BOK Center, Tulsa, Oklahoma
Commentators: Michael Cole, Matt Striker, Todd Grisham

With only two weeks left before the Rumble, things should be starting to get interesting.  It should be interesting to see where the new-but not new because we already gave the other team the name New-Nexus goes from here.  Other than that we’ll also get the next step in Edge vs. Ziggler which hasn’t been built badly at all so far.  Let’s get to it.

The opening video recaps Barrett vs. Show from last week and the whole Caesar concept of Barrett, which oddly enough makes sense.

Here are Barrett and company to the music that I’m still not sure what to think about.  Barrett says that Big Show won’t be here this evening.  You may know him from his time on Raw leading the Nexus, which he led until they threw him out.  Now he’s learned his lesson and now it’s about the team, not just him.  This is the Core.  Not thinking I like that name.

Jackson speaks for maybe the first time ever and has a slight French accent.  He’s proud to be part of the Core.  Slater says he’s the One Man Rock Band.  I guess he didn’t have enough friends to play Xbox with him.  Gabriel says he has a great finisher.  Barrett says that what the original Nexus did will pale in comparison to what the Core does.

Here’s Teddy and he more or less says he’s the boss.  Barrett says they respect him and will be representing Smackdown in the Royal Rumble.  Teddy says he doesn’t buy what they’re saying and he isn’t going to let Barrett just lead these men.  Barrett says he’s not the leader and the Core is about equals.  Teddy basically says no more gang attacks and if you don’t like that then you’re gone.

After Teddy leaves and the Core is still in the ring, here’s Alberto of all people.  He welcomes them to Smackdown, but lets them know that Smackdown is his show.  Alberto says he’s going to win the Rumble which is his destiny.  That’s all he saws, making this a very short promo.  I like how they’re making it seem like he actually has a chance to win and while it’s very unlikely, it seems like it’s possible actually.

Alberto Del Rio vs. R-Truth

Has Del Rio fought anyone other than Truth or Rey this year?  Striker sings with him and Cole has his head in his hands.  Del Rio gets him into the corner to start and strikes away.  They head to the ring for just a bit and Truth locks on an armbar.  We cut to the back where Teddy is laid out on the floor of his office.  Vickie, Ziggler and someone that looked like Michael Tarver standing near him while paramedics look at him.  To be clear, Tarver, Vickie and Ziggler weren’t being accused of having done it but were apparently the people that found him.

Back to the ring now with Truth in control.  Alberto gets sent to the floor as we take a break.  Back with Truth getting a boot up to stop a charging Alberto and that’s about it for his offense in this part of the match.  We start talking about the Rumble and Alberto’s chances to win it.  To the back again where Teddy is being put on a stretcher and being taken to the hospital.  The medics throw Ziggler, Vickie and Tarver out.

Back to the ring again and a sitout Gordbuster by Truth gets two.  Running enziguri in the corner by Alberto gets two.  Cole gets information from a source on the scene that Teddy has suffered severe trauma to the back of the head.  Could this be the return of the vegetative state?  The undefeated Ricardo distracts Truth so that Alberto can drape the arm over the top rope.  Cross Armbreaker ends it moments later at 7:53 shown of 11:23 total (as always assuming 3:30 for commercials).

Rating: C. This is a hard one to grade as a lot of it was thrown to the back where the scenes took about a minute or so each.  The match was nothing special at all but it wasn’t terrible.  These two really need to find some new opponents though as I’m getting tired of seeing them against each other.  With Rey and Alberto the matches are at least pretty good.  This on the other hand was nothing special at all, albeit decent.

Teddy is loaded into the ambulance.

Back from a break with Vickie and Dolph being nervous.  They come into an office and the Core is standing there.  They had nothing to do with it apparently.  If they need anything tonight, the Core is at their service.  Vickie uses her incredible acting skills to say one of them will face Edge tonight.  Two things to note here: first is that Tarver was nowhere to be seen so based on this alone he may not be associated with Ziggler and Vickie.  Second, where else but in wrestling would it be ok for a woman to walk into her office and find four adult muscle men in their underwear, telling her they’re at her service tonight?

We get the Rumble numbers package which I always love.

40 participants

24 winners

656 entrants

39 eliminations for Shawn, a record

26 Hall of Famers in the match

183,932 pounds in total, equal to 409 Big Shows

2 women in the Rumble, including Beth who eliminated Khali

11 eliminations by Kane in one Rumble

62:12 is Rey’s record for length in the Rumble which is a lie if you believe the 92 Rumble’s commentary

1 second is the record for fastest time for an elimination

3 is the most wins by a single man, in this case Austin

1 is the worst number but it has produced the most winners as the #30 spot (Shawn and a guy not listed who would be Benoit)

70 which is the percent of winners that have won the title at Mania

Music video about the Rumble follows.

Rey vs. Cody later tonight.

Layla vs. Beth Phoenix

Laycool’s entrance is weak tonight as there’s no snap to it at all.  Pretty decent reaction for Beth.  Layla charges to start which gets her nowhere.  She tries a running dropkick and gets caught in a giant swing.  Striker has a crush on Beth.  Glamazon’s arm gets sent into the buckle and Layla a tornado one arm DDT (as in the DDT on the arm) out of the corner.

Key Lock/Short Arm Scissors by Layla as she’s using decent psychology here.  Beth does the Davey Boy Smith/Shawn Michaels spot and lifts Layla up with one arm.  She hammers away with forearms and sells the arm like a good girl.  Slingshot suplex takes Layla down for two.  Backbreaker sets up the Glam Slam to end this at 3:32.

Rating: C+. The arm work was good here and again I’d like to point out that the Divas are looking far more competent in the ring lately.  They’re seeming far more natural out there instead of going step by step and Layla has improved dramatically.  Not a terrible match at all for three minutes.

Stand Up For WWE won some awards.

Rey Mysterio vs. Cody Rhodes

Josh thinks Rey will win the Rumble.  I think I’d have to shoot myself if that happened.  Question for you guys: is Cody the best self-obsessed/I’m better looking than you/fashion dude character ever?  Naturally the talk is about the Rumble which I can live with for once here.  I usually can’t stand a match being ignored but this is one of the instances where I think it’s ok.

Cody works on the legs to start and we take a very quick look at the crowd which may not have been intentional.  Rey tries to speed it up again but gets kicked in the gut and thrown to the floor in a heap.  Cody charges again but gets caught in a drop toehold to send him face first into the steps.  We may need the ambulance again for Cody if he goes into convulsions from his face getting messed up.

Cody gets a sunset flip back in the ring but Rey rolls through.  A swinging kick misses but the seated dropkick hits.  619 connects and the top rope splash ends this at 4:05.  What in the world is going on with these quick matches tonight?  This is Smackdown, not Impact.  Also, kind of a squash here, and no that does not mean a burial.

Rating: C+. Again I’m surprised by the quickness of this match but it was ok.  I don’t remember the last time Cody got this little time in the ring and he’s a guy that definitely takes some time to get going.  Nothing bad here though and it came off pretty well I thought.

Cody may have a broken nose due to the knee brace of Rey hitting him in the face.

Grisham has an update on Long but is interrupted by Alex Riley.  Miz is here and Cole hits high notes by shouting HE’S HERE!  Miz says he’s here because he can be.  This is really just to establish that he’s in the building.

After a break the trainer says that Cody has a broken nose.  We never see his face but when he looks in a mirror he almost cries.

Kofi Kingston vs. Jack Swagger

This is under amateur rules where it’s either a pin or the most points after three minutes.  The scoring system is two points for a takedown, one for a reversal, one for an escape, if you get your opponent on your back for two seconds that’s good for two points and if you get a pin you win here.  So it’s points or pin to win.

This isn’t something that’s easy to talk about.  Swagger gets a quick takedown for two points.  Kofi got a point from something that wasn’t explained but I think is an escape.  Another takedown and one point for an escape, which is from Swagger standing up.  4-2 Swagger with two minutes to go.  Another takedown makes it 6-2 but Swagger let him up so it’s 6-3.

We stand around and Swagger tells the referee he needs two more points so he gets them.  8-4 for Swagger and he adds on two more to make it 10-4.  Less than 20 seconds to go as this has been one sided.  Kofi gets a reversal and a quick takedown and a two count which makes it 10-9 and the time runs out.  Was there a point to this?  They fights post match and Kofi hits the Trouble in Paradise and the cross body.  I’m not going to rate this due to it being such a different format but it wasn’t incredibly entertaining at all.

We recap the Cutting Edge from last week where Ziggler beat up Edge to save him from spearing Vickie.

Last week’s show was the highest watched show in five years on Syfy.

Trent Barreta vs. Drew McIntyre

We get a clip of last week’s incident between these two and Kelly telling Drew to grow up.  Drew hammers him down to start and gets a snap suplex for two.  Drew throws him into the air but Trent gets a dropkick to take Drew down.  A springboard dropkick is caught in a sitout powerbomb for two which ticks Drew off.  Trent goes up and Drew him the Kurt Angle running up the corner suplex to win it at 2:17.  Drew beats on him a bit afterwards and Kelly comes out to break it up.  Too short to grade but Drew looked good.

After a break here’s Miz.  He says there’s a saying that says Awesome is as Awesome Does.  That means if you do awesome things you are awesome.  We get a clip from Raw where Miz beat up Orton.  He sets for the catchphrase but here comes Edge.  He’s tired of the Raw rejects coming here and bragging so much.

Edge says that Miz is like #27 on things that he has to do and he’ll deal with Miz on Raw.  Now get out of his ring, which Miz and Riley do.  Actually Riley comes back to run his mouth and gets speared before he can get much out.  Miz teases going after him but changes his mind.

After a break here’s Core to announce the opponent for Edge.  All four members get into the ring but before they can say anything here’s Vickie.  Ziggler is going to be a guest commentator for the match.  He’s a funny guy so I can’t complain there.

Edge vs. Justin Gabriel

He’s the only one that stays in the ring and might be the most entertaining main event.  After a brief skirmish Edge hits an Edge-O-Matic for two.  Gabriel gets him into the corner and hits a nice spin kick which gets him nowhere.  The commentators argue again and Ziggler gets them back on track.  Edge sends Gabriel to the floor as we take a break.

Back with Gabriel getting a pair of covers for two.  During the break Justin went after the ankle of Edge.  Koji Clutch by Gabriel has Edge in trouble.  STO takes Edge down.  WWE has been doing a nice job with expanding the movesets recently.  Gabriel goes for the 450 but Edge is up so he has to settle for a cross body.  It gets feet though as Edge gets a dropkick and both guys are down.

Flapjack puts Gabriel down and then sends him to the floor.  Back in Gabriel gets a jumping enziguri as Edge is going up top.  This is a nice back and forth match so far.  Edge fights him off and gets a top rope cross body for two.  Here comes the spear but Barrett gets up on the apron.  Edge takes him but as the referee is distracted, Jackson drills Edge and Gabriel gets the pin at 7:20 shown of 10:50.

Rating: B-. It was good while it lasted but I really wanted another three or four minutes here.  Nice way of getting the Core over on their first full night together and Edge saves some face here as he doesn’t lose clean.  They’re letting Gabriel look good in the ring when he’s in there and it’s working pretty well for the most part.  Good match but not great for the most part.

Core beats Edge down post match of course, including the majority of the finishers.  Ziggler comes in and puts his foot on Edge’s chest to end the show.

Overall Rating: C+. This show was more like Impact of all things and that’s not typically a good thing.  The wrestling was way too short tonight with no matches getting over ten minutes of air time.  It’s not a bad show but it’s really nothing special.  It’s like they were stalling before next week, which I’d assume to mean they’re going to do the same thing next week.  I wasn’t thrilled with this, but it wasn’t anything awful.

Results

Alberto Del Rio b. R-Truth – Cross Armbreaker

Beth Phoenix b. Layla – Glam Slam

Rey Mysterio b. Cody Rhodes – Top Rope Splash

Jack Swagger b. Kofi Kingston by a score of 10-9

Drew McIntyre b. Trent Barreta – Belly to Belly Suplex Off the Top Rope

Justin Gabriel b. Edge – Pin after a clothesline from Ezekiel Jackson

Yeah apparently there will be 40 participants now instead of the normal 30.  I’m not incredibly wild on this as it allows for an extra 10 guys to waste our time.  Also this match is going to go close to an hour and a half now which is WAY too long.  I’m not liking this idea at all really but it could work I think.

Thoughts?

Seems appropriate around this time of the very new year.

New Year’s Revolution 2006
Date: January 8, 2006
Location: Pepsi Arena, Albany, New York
Attendance: 11,000
Commentators: Joey Styles, Jonathan Coachman

Ok, so quite a bit has changed in the last year or so. Cena is now the Raw Champion and yet again the main event here is the Elimination Chamber, which is fine as they’re just bringing it out once a year to kick it off in some style so I can’t complain on that front. Anyway, other than Cena against five fairly weak challengers, the other things on the card are Big Show vs. HHH which actually is intriguing and…uh…actually never mind. There’s nothing else worth mentioning at all on here. Let’s get to this.

The video is of course all about the Chamber as you would expect of it. Joey’s voice here is either great or terrible and I’m not sure which.

Intercontinental Title: Edge vs. Ric Flair

Edge has the MITB at the moment and Flair has the title. Flair being the IC Champion was kind of a cool thing as he never held the belt before. He also brought some prestige to the belt which it was sorely lacking. Now I don’t know how smart it is to have a guy pushing 60 holding the midcard title, but Flair was still almost bearable in the ring at this point so it’s ok I guess.

This is going on as Flair had legitimately had a road rage incident and Edge did a hilarious parody of it. At this point Flair’s personal life was such a wreck because of a nasty divorce that he more or less was staying in the ring to pay his bills. This is your run of the mill Flair match here as Edge beats him up for a good while and works on his back, as it certainly has never healed at all in over 30 years.

Since I can more or less call the next few spots, I randomly start singing Trish’s theme song. Flair has so much charisma it’s scary. And Flair puts the figure four on Lita for no apparent reason, making Edge hit him with the case for the DQ. Well that came out of nowhere. At least the ending makes sense a bit as he’s protecting Lita. Flair bleeds. No need for the case here as a stiff glare could crack his head open.

Rating: C-. Standard Flair match here and while the ending is a bit odd, it’ll make sense in a little while and if you’re not familiar with that, you’ll find out soon enough. It looks like tomato soup on Flair which is just stupid but whatever. Not a terrible match as it was more or less acceptable.

Angle, a heel here, says he wants America to lose the war in Iraq. Well he’s 1 for 1. He says he likes France, doesn’t like black people, and he wants to go back in time and make Jesus tap out. Apparently no matter what he says people will cheer for him because he’s so awesome. That’s clever actually.

Flair is STILL being taken out. I’d hate to see what chicken noodle would do. Apparently if you put your hands on Lita, you pay. Dang that must be a poor locker room.

Recap of Mickie vs. Trish. Mickie was still insane and they would feud over the title for a good while, including at Backlash 2006 which I attended. Mickie beat Victoria for this shot. She was about to go nuts and heel at the same time after kissing Trish. It was interesting if nothing else.

Women’s Title: Mickie James vs. Trish Stratus

This is a weird match as Mickie is acting all honored to be in there and Trish is creeped out and annoyed by it. It’s a nice bit of storytelling that you rarely get in a lot of wrestling today, especially women’s wrestling. Trish does kind of a baseball slide and misses to let Mickie take over. James is WAY over here also as her character really was great. It’s weird as Mickie James is on Smackdown at the moment and she looks so different now and then.

She’s fat now? She looks about the same, but she’s wearing skirts here and jeans on Smackdown, that’s about it. This is more of a psychological match instead of based on wrestling which while hard to do can indeed work. Mickie hits the Stratusfaction as I’m liking the thinking of the match. Trish hits the Chick Kick out of nowhere for the pin. That’s a bit anticlimactic but it was good so I’ll take it.

Rating: C+. Not everyone is going to like this match as it’s not your standard match. They were going more for psychology and character development here and I’d say it was certainly a success. Fun match but this was really just a piece to the puzzle if that makes sense.

Maria interviews herself about the bra and panties gauntlet. She’s the ditzy blonde here so it’s a bit different but charming to an extent. Gregory Helms shows up to cut her off and he’s about as awesome as he’s ever been here as the ridiculously cocky heel.

Shelton Benjamin and his mother are here. This was somewhere between brilliant, hilarious and freaking stupid.

Edge doesn’t want to answer internet questions. He has Lita do it instead.

Self Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior DVD ad. This went about as ridiculously far into unfairness as you could possibly go as they bury this guy harder than they do anyone I’ve ever seen.

Jerry Lawler vs. Gregory Helms

This is more or less the same thing that they did with Hassan last year as they were just giving Helms this to get him over as a cruiserweight trying to fight heavyweight guys. Apparently Lawler said Helms sucked and he got slapped or vice versa, and I think it was the original. I love how Coach tries to act like he means something. The idea worked as I want to smack him already but then again I always do.

Helms is mostly dominating here so at least they’ve got that working right. In a funny line, Coach says he isn’t sure which chin Helms is grabbing. Helms pulls a Rock and does his own commentary in the match as this is going a bit long. Uh oh it’s strap time and here comes Lawler.

They say his fists are moving like pistons. That’s just amusing in general. Lawler shouts out piledriver and somehow Helms counters it. I wonder how he figured out what to do? And Lawler hits the middle rope punch….FOR THE PIN??? WHAT IN THE FLYING HECK WAS THAT???

Rating: F. Seriously, there is ZERO justification to put Lawler over clean here as this isn’t in Memphis. No way is this ok at all. This was a failure plain and simple. Not from a wrestling perspective but from a booking and thinking one.

Lita leaves the internet place and runs into Trish. Mickie follows her in and she has no issue with losing and is now implying she wants lesbian sex with Trish.

Mama Benjamin is at catering and says this won’t do. She bends over (she weighs probably 400lbs) and Viscera’s music starts up. He likes what he sees and thrusts his lower guy at her and then at the camera. Apparently his music and lights just follow him around and apparently she doesn’t notice any of this at all. Yeah this is dumb.

Quick recap of HHH vs. Big Show, which more or less is that HHH came back from an injury and turned on Flair which ticked off Show who fought him and then cost him a spot in the Chamber tonight. HHH broke Show’s hand, leading to this.

HHH vs. Big Show

I like this actually. It’s not something that’s been beaten to death and it has a bit of potential. That being said it’s likely to suck but what are you going to do? Show has a huge cast on his hand. We get a huge stall to start. You have to say huge in any match either of these guys have. Show is actually moving a bit here which is helping a lot. When he’s motivated he’s rather entertaining to watch although it has to be in doses.

Show is dominating here early on. HHH has had no offense about three minutes in. And then Show punches the post with the cast and HHH is suddenly fine. He’s really bad about that. He at least uses some psychology and works on the hand. And there goes the cast. Well at least they got it off early. It’s kind of basic but a lot of the time that’s all you need to do.

Another important thing to note here about it: HHH is mixing things up with strikes and holds. That’s a major perk as otherwise it just isn’t as interesting. Show makes his comeback to get us to even but misses a punch and knocks the referee out cold. Great looking shot there.

The hammer comes in but a chop goes through it. More or less it’s nothing but HHH using weapons on the hand now and Show fighting as hard as he can (ok not really but work with me here) to stay alive in this. A half sledgehammer shot to the head and a bad Pedigree ends this.

Rating: D. This started off as pretty good and then just fell off a cliff. The last 6 minutes of this or so are just freaking bad and there’s no other way to put it. This was like watching two matches and at the end you just wanted it to end. If you take four minutes or so out of this, it’s an easy C at minimum. Started out great, then just went to heck, which is a shame.

Coach and Styles could not have less chemistry if their lived depended on it.

And let’s have two minutes of replays to affirm that HHH is in fact, awesome (allegedly).

Masters is getting ready and Carlito comes up. They’re both in the main event tonight for no explainable reason. This goes nowhere.

Ad for the Rumble.

Lawler is back.

Shelton Benjamin vs. Viscera

Holy filler Batman! Something tells me this is going to suck and it’s going to suck hard. This is just boring beyond belief. Seriously, who thought this was a good idea? Shelton is more or less powerless to do anything with this second rate Mark Henry, and that’s saying A LOT. His mother promises him a sweet potato pie for a win.

Do you see what I do for you freaking people??? She yells the entire match too and talks about getting the belt etc. Is this supposed to be funny? SHUT UP WOMAN! This is the dumbest thing I have ever seen. This is one of those angles that is only to amuse Vince and nothing more. She hits Viscera with the purse and he hits a spin kick to get the win.

Rating: S. As in the stiff drink that I want. This is easily the most ridiculous and annoying thing that I have ever seen on a wrestling show. It wasn’t funny at all but they kept this up for months. THANK GOD he turned heel soon after this and this idiocy ended.

Vince wishes Shawn good luck and Shawn lists off his accomplishments which really are rather impressive. This was the beginning of Shawn vs. Vince that wound up running all summer with DX reuniting.

Bra and Panties Gauntlet Match

It’s exactly what it sounds like and it will be just as worthless as you can imagine. The only good thing here is Lillian in a tied off jersey top. I have a thing for jerseys on women and more or less it’s a bikini top made of one. In short, she’s hotter than should be legally allowed. This is just a bra and panties match but then another comes out and they keep going. Candice and Maria starts.

Candice is about to be in Playboy here. Maria wins. Torrie is next. Notice a trend here: they’ve all been in Playboy and most of them can’t wrestle to save their lives. Maria puts Torrie out. Victoria is next and she puts Maria out. And here’s Moolah and Mae as I want to shoot this show. Ashley winds up winning and of course strips anyway.

Rating: N/A. Give me wrestling please. It’s what you advertised.

Shelton and his mother again make me want to shoot someone.

We recap the Chamber and it’s just the main Raw guys other than Show and HHH in the Chamber after qualifying matches.

Raw World Title: John Cena vs. Carlito vs. Chris Masters vs. Kurt Angle vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Kane

Naturally it takes forever to get to this match but less time than last year which is at least a plus. Cena of course gets a lot of boos. This wasn’t even the most hated that he would ever get. He starts with Shawn. Cena isn’t ready to do that yet so this is nowhere near what it sounds like. Just 18 minutes between the ending of the last “match” and the bell in this one. The fans are ALL OVER Cena here.

The Chamber really does look awesome to say the least. Cena can sell really well. Kane comes in last due to winning a Beat the Clock Challenge. He’s the odds on favorite. That’s most amusing. In third is Carlito. He means nothing at this point either and no one really knew why he was in this. Nothing at all happens here other than some potential alliances. Finally Angle comes in to wake the crowd the up by suplexing the living tar out of everyone in the match.

Styles saying Angle is all impact amuses me. I mean he must throw everyone 4-5 times each. I have never seen anyone wake a match up like Angle did. Shawn is busted after being thrown into one of the cells. Good night Angle throws a pretty suplex. I mean Angle is just completely dominating. He gets the ankle lock on Shawn and then on Carlito. Masters finally comes in for the save. We’ve fought 15 minutes or so at this point and look at how little I’ve had to say.

Masters comes in and takes an ankle lock. Cena makes a save for no apparent reason and goes for the FU but Angle reverses into ANOTHER ankle lock. He’s just on freaking fire tonight. And then Shawn kicks him in the head and pins him. Yeah seriously, that’s how they get rid of him. Give me a freaking break. Ok it’s not that bad but I hate the out of nowhere ones like that.

You can tell they’re just killing time at this point as nothing at all is happening. Kane comes in so they’re all in now. I seriously couldn’t care less. This thing is boring as any and all goodness. After some brief domination, Kane chokeslams everyone but like an idiot never covers them. Carlito and Masters double team him and amazingly…it works. They do a double DDT and then a press slam of Carlito onto Kane.

At this point, it becomes somewhat clear how this is going to end and it gets dumber and dumber every second. Oh I forgot to mention that Shawn is bleeding. The problem with this match: Carlito and Chris Masters are dominating. Still, this is better than the Extreme Elimination Chamber as Shawn and Cena are at least major star power. Four of the six here were legit title guys and Carlito and Masters were solid midcard heels at the time, so it’s forgivable.

Don’t get me wrong: it’s freaking dumb and it’s very bad, but it could be worse. The other four being awesome balances it out a lot. Shawn gets Sweet Chin Music on Cena and Carlito hits a rolling cutter (Cody Rhodes’ finisher) on Shawn to pin him. Yes, the final three are Carlito, Masters and Cena. This is freaking stupid. No one bought Cena losing for a second.

I was reading WZ and was on AIM at the same time with a girl I knew who was a Cena fan and was telling her what was going on. She went to bed at this point as it was obvious to even her, a mark, that this was ending with Cena winning. The fans are now cheering for Cena as they see the alternatives. That’s rather funny. So they double team him for about 5 minutes until the Masterlock is put on. Carlito low blows Masters and rolls him up before getting rolled up by Cena to win the match.

Rating: D. Seriously, Masters and Carlito? This is short because literally the second the match ends, Vince’s music starts playing and it becomes clear what’s going on and why the Chamber sucking means nothing, so I won’t bother going into detail on it.

Vince says the show isn’t over yet and you can hear the crowd pop like a cherry over it. He has the cage raised up. And he says that while Cena did a great job, his night is not over yet, as Edge is cashing in his Money in the Bank contract and the match is NOW.

Raw World Title: Edge vs. John Cena

Cena is more or less dead and can’t even stand up. This is less than two minutes as Edge hits a pair of spears to win the title in a TOTAL shock.

Rating: A. I know I rarely grade matches this short, but this was absolutely brilliant. I mean NO ONE saw this coming and we all thought it was just Cena wins again and no one cares. This was legitimately shocking and it made the show ending awesome. Loved this and it’s one of the best moments of the modern era.

Overall Rating: D+. Again, this show just isn’t that good. The brand split shows were almost always awful because they have to have stuff like Viscera vs. Shelton for no reason whatsoever and no one cared but because they had 3 hours to fill and Vince was so obsessed on the stupid split looking legit and everything that the fans got screwed over for nearly 5 years.

Flair vs. Edge and the whole ending sequence are I guess worth seeing, although the main event should really be watched if you haven’t seen it before as it’s not great at all but since it’s the Elimination Chamber and not the Extreme version it’s worth a one off look I guess. Overall though, this show just isn’t very good as it felt like a Raw with more of a budget.

This would thankfully end before too long but DANG man, this was just painful every month that wasn’t a big show. Not an awful show but just not that good. Better than last year by far though, even though I think I graded them the same. If nothing else, watch the Chamber through the end just for the crowd. I have never heard a crowd turn back and forth so much in 40 minutes in my life as a fan. Other than that, not worth it.

WWE Year In Review 2010

It’s more or less the end of another year in WWE and since it’s all I know how to do, I figured I’d write something really long that most people won’t read all the way through. This is just what the title says: a look back at what happened this year in both the highs and the lows in as many aspects of the on screen aspects of WWE as I can come up with. Let’s get to it.

As always if you think I’m wrong or something, yell at me about it.

Timeline

Main Event/World Title/Upper Midcard

Raw

Raw started off on a bit of a rocky point with a glorified unknown as the world champion in the Human Jar of Mayonnaise himself, Sheamus. His title reign didn’t last long though as at the second PPV of the year, Elimination Chamber, John Cena took the title back. His reign was even shorter though, lasting all of four minutes. This was the beginning of our first big feud for the red team as Batista took the world title, holding it until Wrestlemania.

What was originally a dream feud was soon watered down as Cena destroyed Batista at every given turn, beating him at three straight PPVs with the title on the line. Following the third loss, Batista legitimately quit the company in a surprise. A mere two weeks later, something big happened. That something big was called Nexus.

For the next several months this team tormented John Cena. Led by Wade Barrett, they cost him the world title at MITB. At this show the contract for Raw’s MITB was won by The Miz. More on him later. Anyway at this show, Sheamus won his second world title in a Fatal Fourway match at the PPV of the same name.  For the next few months, the primary world title feud was Sheamus vs. Randy Orton which definitely took a back seat to Cena vs. Nexus.

During this time, the new Raw GM aided Cena in his battles along with others that had been attacked by Nexus over the past few months. The GM is a guy you may have heard of named Bret Hart. More on him later. Anyway at Summerslam, Cena’s army was able to defeat Nexus. Orton won the title the following month at Night of Champions in a 6 Pack Challenge.

After Orton won the title from Sheamus, Wade Barrett came after it, but he had a backup plan. His backup plan came in the form of Cena himself, having been forced to join Nexus after losing a match at Hell in a Cell to Barrett when two members of Season 2 of NXT joined Nexus (they officially joined a few weeks later but for all intents and purposes they joined here) and cost Cena the match.

The following months were built around Barrett’s chasing the world title with the help of Cena. At Bragging Rights Cena cost Orton the match but the title didn’t change hands. The following month was Survivor Series and a match called Free or Fired. The concept was simple: with Cena as the referee, Orton defended against Barrett. If Barrett lost, Cena was fired. If Barrett won the title then Cena was freed from Nexus. Cena counted Barrett’s shoulders down and was immediately fired.

Naturally Cena didn’t leave forever and was back at the next PPV. A funny thing happened on the way to that PPV though: there was a new WWE Champion. In this case that man’s name was The Miz. On the Raw following Survivor Series, Barrett got one more shot at the title. Orton won with the help of a “fan” named John. Immediately thereafter though, the music hit and Miz ran down to cash in his MITB contract, winning the title.

Barrett faced Cena one more time at the TLC PPV where Miz retained the title against Orton in a tables match. Cena defeated Barrett to close the show, literally burying him in chairs. Before the year closed out, we found Miz’s next opponent for the world title in the form of his old partner John Morrison. On the other side of things, Cena has a new foe in the form of CM Punk and his army: the Nexus.

Smackdown

The year began with a familiar name on the World Heavyweight Championship: The Undertaker. After defeating Rey Mysterio at the Royal Rumble, Taker lost the title to Chris Jericho in the Elimination Chamber with the assistance of Shawn Michaels who we’ll get to later. Jericho defended the title at Mania against Edge, which we’ll also get to later.

Going into Wrestlemania the other main feud had been Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk as Punk attempted to get Mysterio to join the Straightedge Society. This led to a series of very good PPV matches, ultimately resulting in Punk having his head shaved by Mysterio to make sure that the superhero was still all superheroish.

At Mania Jack Swagger won the first of three MITB contracts during the year. He cashed in almost immediately, winning the title on the first Smackdown from Jericho. Swagger would defend against Randy Orton and Big Show on PPV but would lose to Rey Mysterio in a Fatal Fourway match in June.

Around May of the year, we heard a shocking announcement: the Undertaker was in a coma (vegetative state but give me a break). Kane vowed to find the culprit no matter who it was. You could say he was trying to find himself but that’s a bit too clichéd for my tastes. This storyline would dominate the summer and lead into the storyline that would dominate the fall.

Around the same time (June) Big Show began to feud with the Straightedge Society and Punk in particular. Show attempted to get Punk to have fun and unmask after having his head shaved. This resulted in Punk being chased up a ladder and having his mask ripped off on Smackdown. Show destroyed Punk to end the feud before Punk headed over to Raw.

Mysterio’s second title reign would also be a short lived one as he would lose at the following PPV to Kane, who cashed in his MITB contract after Mysterio defeated Swagger. Kane would beat Rey at Summerslam and then face his brother the Undertaker at three consecutive PPVs.

After Mysterio lost the world title, a new opponent for him debuted by the name of Alberto Del Rio. Claiming to be the descendent of Mexican royalty, Del Rio quickly made an impact, putting Mysterio on the shelf for a few weeks and being credited for Christian being gone for several months with a pectoral injury that he is still out with at the end of the year.

The Brothers’ feud was highlighted by the return of Paul Bearer who naturally turned on the Deadman because that’s just what he does I suppose. The feud culminated at Bragging Rights where Kane buried the Undertaker alive. This would be the second time he had done that which makes things in wrestling seem a bit odd don’t you think?

After a brief Smackdown vs. Raw feud (as in one PPV/month’s worth), Edge rose up as the next challenger to Kane and his World Heavyweight Championship. The feud began as Edge kidnapped Paul Bearer, Kane’s father. After weeks of psychological torment, Kane and Edge wrestled to a draw at Survivor Series. The following month at TLC, Kane (after accidentally pushing his father over an edge and having him fall about 25 feet), lost the title to Edge in a TLC match also involving Mysterio and Del Rio. Edge and Kane’s feud will spill over into the new year.

Main Event/World Title/Upper Midcard: This was a good year for this area of the company. New names popped up in the title scenes and others were elevated from seemingly nowhere. The world titles were on fresh names in all parts of the year in one form or another and there was a time where the titles weren’t the focal points of PPV.

That was a change that many weren’t thrilled with but at the same time those shows were some of the more entertaining ones of the year. On Raw the main focus was on Cena vs. Nexus which was a very interesting change of pace from what we’re used to and I enjoyed it immensely.

Over on the blue show I wasn’t as thrilled with the main events. Swagger was an idea but it didn’t work out all that well. Kane’s title run was a very nice surprise as he had worked incredibly hard for the company for years and FINALLY got a long title reign to his credit. It makes him a threat all over again and gave him a chance to show off on the mic. The Taker feud was boring as you would expect but not entirely so. Overall, Raw was much better in this area than Smackdown by a wide margin.

Midcard

Raw/US Title

The year opened with Miz holding the title and the usual criticisms of the title abounding: it’s never defended. This was incredibly true actually as the title never really did anything. The major feud to start the year was MVP vs. Miz but the title never went to the now released guy (yeah MVP got released in December or November. Few people cared.)

Miz would lose the title to Bret Hart for one night. The following week R-Truth won the title and held it for a few weeks before dropping it right back to the Miz. The next few months didn’t mean much at all for the title as Miz flirted with the MITB cash-in and trying to be appreciated on Cena’s main event team to fight Nexus.

Finally at Night of Champions, Daniel Bryan won the title from the Miz in what was considered a way to free up Miz to go after the world title which he did shortly thereafter. Anyway, Bryan gave us some excellent matches against Dolph Ziggler, the reigning IC Champion. A brief feud with Ted DiBiase resulted in no title change and more or less dominance by Bryan, who is looking completely awesome at the moment and I’ll admit: I was wrong about him. Right now we’re waiting on his next challenger though.

Smackdown/Intercontinental

The IC Title saw far less action this year in the area of title changes, but the action for the title was more interesting than the red equivalent. Drew McIntyre started the year with the championship, continuing his feud with John Morrison. Drew would defend the title against Morrison, Kane and Matt Hardy during his reign.

Finally in May Kofi won the title after winning a tournament to gain the shot. In an odd sequence Drew kept the title after being stripped of it for his attack on Matt Hardy on Smackdown. This would be the start of a feud with Smackdown GM Teddy Long over Teddy fearing Drew while Drew abused his standing as Vince’s Chosen One. This would result in both of them humiliating the other on various occasions.

After a brief feud with McIntyre over the title, Kofi moved on to the major feud of the year over the belt as he faced Dolph Ziggler. For months upon end Dolph tried to win the title with the help of his new girlfriend, Vickie Guerrero. After several attempts to get his hands on the title, Dolph got his hands on it in late July. Their feud continued for what seemed like forever.

We ended the year with a threeway feud for the title between Ziggler, Kofi and Dolph. These three had a series of great matches on TV, culminating in a ladder match at TLC where Ziggler somehow retained the title. He’s held it for months now and is one of the surprises of the year. I’d assume Kofi and Swagger will still be coming for his belt in the near future.

Midcard: This was a year where the titles meant something again which is the best thing they could have done. Instead of having pointless title changes that almost no one was going to remember, the matches were at least all solid for the most part. We got to see guys go out there and wrestle, which has always been the point of those titles. In short, this was a good year for them as their prestige is back.

Tag Teams

This was an ok year for the division I thought with more of a focus being placed on the titles. Big Show and Miz more or less started the year with the titles (yes I know DX held them at first but who cared?) before we shifted over to the Hart Dynasty. During their reign we unified the physical titles into one set of belts. After some forgettable reigns by Nexus and McIntyre/Rhodes, the current champions are now Vladimir Kozlov and Santino Marella, who oddly work with them.

Tag Teams: This year was certainly an improvement over last year as things more or less were boring with the Colons and Jerishow dominating the title scene. Now we’re shifting over towards more natural tag teams rather than guys thrown together and being called a tag team. The comedy team here works with the titles as Santino is insanely popular and giving him a title makes sense at the moment. I have few complaints here but they’re nothing special as always.

Divas

This was the year of Laycool. The two beauties had dominated the title scene for almost forever it seemed, namely making fun of Mickie James and her allegeded fatness. Other than that though, not a lot happened in the earlier parts of the year. Things picked up once the titles were unified which they had been needing for a very long time.

With Laycool becoming the first unified champion they dominated things again for the most part, but having them be the only champion helped quite a bit. There simply wasn’t room for two titles in the company and the unification has helped. Eventually Natalya won a far too long feud with Laycool and Beth Phoenix’s return sets up an eventual mega showdown between the blondes for the title.

Divas: Not a great year or anything, but the introduction of major heels and the unification of the titles were things that needed to happen. This year worked far better than last year and with a single champion, the division is far better than it was in years passed. It’s still the weakest part of the show, but it’s caught up a good bit indeed.

Outside The Ring

There were a few major areas here and some of them go together.

Legendary/Knucklehead

We’ve all heard the lines from the trailers and probably know them by heart at this point. I know Doc certainly does. The thing is, either way you want to look at it the movies bombed. They were in theaters for a single weekend and were on DVD mere weeks later. Both were panned by the critics the whole way and they didn’t work on any level at all. They’re running jokes now and that’s all there is to it.

Linda’s Senate Run

This was one of the big ones. As you all know, Linda McMahon was running for Senate this year. She was beaten badly in the campaign and it was rather clear that Raw and Smackdown were used to push her as a viable candidate. We constantly heard about how great WWE was and how they do all kinds of nice things for people, such as with Stand Up For WWE. Naturally as soon as the campaign was over the videos and talk of how awesome WWE was stopped, just as was predicted.

In short, when Vince and Linda take their eyes and focus off wrestling, they fail. The movies fail, the football failed, the politics failed and everything else has failed. This year was no different at all as the McMahons tried to do something else and it fell apart for them. The wrestling and shows got better when they were paying attention, and that clearly shows as well.

Highlights

The Impossible Return

The year opened with what many believed would never happen in a million years. On January 4, Bret Hart made his return to the WWE. In one of the most mind blowing moments of all time, Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels shook hands in the middle of the ring on Raw, burying the hatchet to the biggest feud of all time and the most controversial angle ever occurring in wrestling.

This is the epitome of an event that no one would have ever believed could happen and yet it did. The lesson to be learned from this is that you can never say something is for sure. Coupling this with the Chick Magnet being the WWE Champion and Kane now being a two time world champion, never let it be said that something is impossible in the world of professional wrestling.

Wrestlemania

What would a year in review be without looking at Wrestlemania? I’ve seen every Wrestlemania multiple times and I can certainly say this was one of the better ones. With everything from Bret Hart making Vince McMahon tap out (that was still a great match no matter what people say) to MITB to Jericho vs. Edge, the undercard was good all around.

Then we had the two main events. First up was the far weaker of the two: John Cena vs. Dave Batista. The graphic for this match still gets me excited. It was the two biggest stars in the company squaring off for the World Title at the biggest show of the year. That is how you define epic and the match being very good helped things a lot.

And then there was the main event. A year removed from the most exciting match I have ever seen, it was time for the rematch. In the main event of Wrestlemania, it was Streak vs. Career as Shawn Michaels faced the Undertaker with Shawn’s career on the line. This was absolutely epic on all levels as these two beat the tar out of each other and gave us a great match in the process. Mr. Wrestlemania delivered on the grandest stage of them all and that’s what matters at the end of the day.

Finally, the theme song, I Made It, was so awesome it could walk down the street and people would scream “MR. NORRIS! Can we please have your autograph???” Sweet song for the show and perfect indeed.

NXT/Nexus

A main addition this year was the debut of a new third show in the form of NXT, which replaced ECW back in February. 8 wrestlers would vie for a spot on one of the main rosters and a title shot. After 15 weeks of obstacle courses, program selling, jousting, talking and the occasional wrestling match thrown in, Wade Barrett emerged as the winner of Season 1. Since the end of the season, 4 of the wrestlers on this show have won championships. Not a bad ratio.

Season 2 began the next week which didn’t go as well. The star of this season was Kaval who is already gone. The majority of these people meant nothing at all in the company as they are back down in FCW. The only major players from this season still around are Michael McGillicutty, now part of Nexus, and Alex Riley, now annoying.

The third season was more or less a comedy season with Divas. The winner was Kaitlyn, who had her debut match on the show. I’ve ranted on that enough so far so I’ll spare you the details. Season 4 is still ongoing and it sucks to put it mildly.

As for Nexus, they were clearly the surprise of the year. At the end of the Viewer’s Choice Raw, Wade Barrett popped up on the top of the stage and stood there. From out of the crowd like locusts came the other members of the first season of NXT. The attack was on as Cena and Punk were annihilated by the new team in a near riot like atmosphere. The ring was destroyed, the set was destroyed, Cena was destroyed, and the stage was set for the rest of the year. This also spurred off into several other things:

Anonymous Raw GM: After the resignation of Bret Hart as GM as he won the US Title in another surprise, the GM was revealed…kind of. Now coming from a computer, Michael Cole reads the e-mails from the anonymous GM, more or less making him the GM which is a discussion for another thread. The GM is hard to pinpoint as he/she has gone back and forth for both heels and faces. I have my theories but the story is ongoing as you would expect.

Daniel Bryan Saga: One of the original NXT rookies was Daniel Bryan Danielson, indy superstar that is now the US Champion. During the initial Nexus attack Bryan was seen on camera choking Justin Roberts with a tie. This was deemed too extreme and Bryan was released. The forums were in an uproar as it appeared that this was in fact legit. Bryan returned in a shocker at Summerslam, teaming with Cena’s Army to fight Nexus. Amazing moment and shocking for the most part, other than that whole posting of it on WWE.com before it happened.

Special Events

There were several this year, not all of which will be talked about here as some simply weren’t anything special at all.

Shawn’s Retirement: This was the night after Wrestlemania and featured an incredible speech from Shawn who unlike Flair two years earlier stood in the ring on his own. In another incredible moment, the Undertaker came to the stage and tipped his hat in an ultra-rare show of respect for a fellow wrestler. Also, Shawn has lived up to his word and stayed away. What more can you ask for from the guy?

Monday Night Smackdown: Now this was an interesting one. Back in April there was a big volcano that erupted in Iceland. At the same time the Raw guys were on a European tour. They were stuck there and couldn’t make Raw, so instead we got the guys from Smackdown to give us a show. It’s the beauty of having two rosters and it worked fine here. Cool moment and making the best out of a bad situation.

2010 Draft: Nothing huge this year with Raw more or less raping Smackdown again, stealing Edge, Morrison and Jericho in exchange for Kofi and Big Show. Pretty forgettable show.

Viewer’s Choice: Again pretty weak but the results were real and Nexus debuted that night. No one remembers the show other than the ending.

900th Raw: This happened. That’s all I’ve got to say about it.

WWE Old School: OH YES! Now this was fun. We had old announcers, old sets, the old logo, old t-shirts and a great show. Easily one of the funnest shows I’ve seen in years and the whole thing worked incredibly well. I’d love to see another one of these again someday as it gave us some incredible nostalgia.

King of the Ring: I liked this show and the ending worked perfectly with Morrison vs. Sheamus. Granted he now looks like the possessed child of Batman and Satan but it was a nice boost for him.

Slammys: Same as usual with this. Cena won Star of the Year and it was bogus as ever.

Tribute to the Troops: This was one of the best shows of this kind that they’ve ever done. They filmed it in Texas instead of overseas and it made the special seem just that: special. It came off like a USO show and the visuals were great. Definitely something they should shift over to as it’s far more interesting and entertaining this way.

Guest Hosts/Stars

The Guest Host (later named Guest Stars) were around to start the year but phased out by the end to the point where they no longer exist now. Aside from a handful I barely remember any of them, showing that the appearances weren’t helping at all. Some of them got downright stupid, such as Jon Lovitz and Buzz Aldrin. There were a total of three wrestlers as hosts in the entire year. I think you get why I’m glad this was ended. Not much to say here.

And yes I know that the vast majority of these were on Raw, but seriously did anything of note happen on Smackdown? Oh yeah they moved to Syfy. That’s about it though isn’t it?

Overall Themes

Out With the Old

The big one for me is the youth movement more or less being over as the youth has arrived. The following people are those that I would consider major players in WWE at the moment: Punk (32), Bryan (29), Cena (33), Miz (30), Morrison (31) Orton (30), Sheamus (32), Del Rio (33), Rhodes (25), Ziggler (30), McIntyre (25), Swagger (28), Kofi (29), and Barrett (30).

In other words, the oldest listed Cena at 33. The rest of the main event/upper midcard is comprised of HHH (41), Big Show (38), Christian (37), Edge (37), Kane (43), Mysterio (36) and Undertaker (45). In other words, the upper midcard/main event is comprised of 21 guys. Of those 21 guys, 14 are under age 34 and there are 12 age 32 or under. Steve Austin’s age when he won the WWF Title and kickstarted the mega boom: 33. Hogan’s age when he won the world title for the first time: 31.

This year we’ve lost three guys that were in their forties: Batista, Shawn and Jericho. Batista and Shawn seem to be gone for good and Jericho could be gone for awhile if not forever. Those are three faces (people, not good guys) that while great, were in need of leaving as they were getting up there in years and thankfully left before they expired.

In short, the company has shifted away from the old guard and the new generation is here. Of the older guys, HHH has been gone for the majority of the year, Rey is aging rapidly, we have no clue how long Taker has left, Christian is a veteran that hasn’t hit his prime yet, Edge is a prime face and Show has hit his stride as a face. The blend is excellent right now and most important of all: the younger generation is running the place.

If We Can Be Serious For a Minute

This was one of the bigger things I noticed this year: the company is taking itself seriously again. The angles have been far more serious as has the show. Once about June hit the Guest Host concept came to a close and the remaining hosts were far more serious and were mostly just there to make a quick appearance and then be gone for the rest of the night.

There were no more Chavo vs. Hornswoggle matches. There were far fewer comedy bits. The comedy that they did have was used in moderation. Those signs all indicated that the company was once again actually being serious with its shows and the results came out on TV. Comedy certainly has a place in wrestling, but in moderation, which is exactly what they’ve done this year and it has certainly been a positive.

And Now For Something Somewhat Different

This might be a bit of a stretch but it was something I certainly noticed this year: there was a much greater variety on PPV this year in terms of feuds. Let’s take a look at some numbers.

Wrestlers with Multiple PPV World Title Matches (either belt) in 2009:

John Cena – 11
Edge – 7
Jeff Hardy – 8
HHH – 6
CM Punk – 7
Undertaker – 6
Big Show – 3
Rey Mysterio – 2
Chris Jericho – 2
Randy Orton – 10
Batista – 4

Wrestlers with Multiple PPV World Title Matches (either belt) in 2010:

Undertaker – 5
Rey Mysterio – 5
Sheamus – 7
Wade Barrett – 3
Kane – 7
Batista – 4
Jack Swagger – 4
Chris Jericho – 3
Edge – 5
Randy Orton – 10
Big Show – 2
John Cena – 7
CM Punk – 2

In 2010, two more people had multiple title matches. Also, the average number shifted from 5.9 to 4.9. In other words, more people are now getting title shots per year. Also, look at the highs for 2009. In 2009 you had two people getting double digit title shots and another guy getting 8. In 2010 you had Orton at 10 and no one else even at 8. Aside from Orton and arguably Cena, the main event has opened up a bit. Only Mysterio and Jericho received more shots as every else’s total went down. The world title picture is opening up and it’s opening up nicely.

Superlatives

I’m not going to go into a big thing here but am merely going with Show of the Year and Wrestler of the Year.

Show – Wrestlemania. It’s the biggest show of the year, the crowd was hot, the matches were good, the song was great and the ending was awesome. It’s supposed to be the be all and end all of WWE and needless to say, this was a raging success.

Wrestler – The Miz. This is going to get some arguments, but at the end of the day, what has Miz not accomplished this year? He goes from being US Champion at the beginning of the year to adding in the tag titles to reclaiming the US Title to winning Money in the Bank to cashing in to win the WWE Title. All along the way he climbed higher and higher on the totem poll to the point where he’s now a credible world champion. Considering that two years ago he was the chick magnet, how else can you say he isn’t the most amazing star in wrestling this year?

Overall

This was a big improvement overall for the company. Things are being taken more seriously and it has shown onscreen. However this has not seem to agree with the viewing audience. The ratings for Raw and Smackdown are both down and the total PPV revenue through the 11th PPV of the year was down as well. While there obviously could be more reasons for that than the product on TV, it’s not likely a good sign.

What I think the most important thing to take out of this year was is that things are looking up. They took some hits this year but they were clearly building for the future which is very important. The youth is here, the older generation is going away (Shawn and Jericho it seems on a permanent basis) and the older stars still around are being phased out.

This could be seen as a rebuilding year, but I’m not sure if that’s the right term. They’re certainly shifting things in a new direction and it seems that things are holding up for that period of time. A young generation has taken over the company and seem to be connecting with the crowd. The last time this happened, the Attitude Era was on the horizon. That sounds like a good sign to me.

Monday Night Raw
Date: December 27, 2010
Location: Times Union Center, Albany, New York
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler

First and foremost I hope everyone had a safe and Merry Christmas. Tonight is another edition of Raw and in this case it’s the final show of the year. We’re on the road to the Rumble which then merges with the Road to Wrestlemania. Tonight we’ll see what’s next for Punk vs. Cena which has me very interested indeed. With that being said, let’s get to it.

There’s a Smackdown house show tonight in Pittsburgh. Nice job guys. Make sure that however many thousand people going to that can’t watch Raw.

Well if nothing else the voiceover guy has promised me a great main event tonight so there’s that to look forward to.

Theme song opens us up which I don’t recall them doing lately.

Cena is here to open the show and remember he is LIBERATED now. He talks about how it’s odd that every time someone comes down the ramp they always grab a microphone and just talk about what happened last week. Tonight, he’s going to do the exact same thing. As always he acknowledges the fans that boo him which is rather refreshing. We get a clip of Punk destroying Cena with the chair and starting what could be a very awesome feud.

He talks about how in his relentless pursuit of Nexus he did in fact, accidentally spill Punk’s diet soda. Cena apologizes for costing Punk .75 or 1.25 in select vending machines. The soda can’t be replaced but he can give Punk a chance to come out here and air his grievances. Cue Killswitch Engaged and here’s Punk.

CM says that the Cena we get isn’t the real one as Cena is dishonest. Punk says this is beyond a diet soda. Oh man this is about to get intense. I mean, BEYOND A DIET SODA??? It goes like this I believe: a slap in the face, a murder, economic collapse, diet soda. Beyond that is hard to say. Punk talks about how Cena’s word means nothing as he said he was going back to Massachusetts but he was back that night. And then back the next week, and the next week and the next week.

And then we get to TLC, where Cena dropped 15 chairs on Barrett after winning. Cena calls that Balderdash (fun game actually) because it was 22 steel chairs. Cena says that after all the beatdowns Cena had taken from Nexus and being their slave and all that jazz, it was rather justified. Punk brings up making Batista quit after beating him at Over the Limit which Cena says was on his own choice and after Batista broke Cena’s neck, which is true to a degree.

Punk says this is all about making fun of people and how he always insults people that don’t deserve it all the time. Cena claims he has done that for 8 years and makes fun of everyone. This is going very fast and is hard to keep up with but it’s going very well so far. Punk says those two attacks last week were warning shots but this is going to stop.

Cena says nothing is going to stop and is all like bring it on. Punk says this is his show and tonight he’s going to call out Cena. There’s a real surprise later tonight and it’s something Cena is never going to forget. Punk says Happy New Year and salutes as he leaves. I’m intrigued now.

Orton vs. Sheamus and Miz vs. Lawler later, non title.

Ted DiBiase vs. Santino Marella

Wow DiBiase has fallen a good bit this year. DiBiase gets his following clothesline for two early on. Lawler blames Maryse for the losses that DiBiase has had recently. DiBiase misses a dropkick and Santino rolls him up to win this in a minute flat. This isn’t a surprise somehow.

Santino presents Tamina with her gift, and it’s a cobra. Better than a snake in a box I guess. Maryse and Ted jump them so Tamina and Santino hit matching salute splashes and Cobras to clear the ring. I use the term hit loosely in her case.

Miz tells Riley that he’s going to teach Morrison a lesson tonight. Miz says not to win but destroy him. Lawler is going to beg for mercy tonight too. Morrison pops up and says if he beats Riley, he gets to pick the stipulation and the date of their title match. If Riley wins then Morrison loses his #1 contender spot. Miz says deal.

John Morrison vs. Alex Riley

After a break we’re ready to go. During the break there was an e-mail and the stipulations are confirmed. Miz is up on the apron as Morrison hits a Russian leg sweep for two. Riley takes over after a distraction from Miz and hammers away for a bit. Morrison makes the standard comeback but Miz grabs his foot on the Flash Kick and gets thrown out. Riley gets a rollup for two but Morrison gets the Flash Kick and running knee to end this in approximately 4:30.

Rating: C. Basic match but it did the job it was supposed to. Morrison gets a win he’s supposed to and Riley loses a match he’s supposed to. Nothing special about it but nothing bad about it either. The rating of average is about as perfect as it could be right here.

Morrison goes over to Lawler and says the title match is NEXT WEEK and it’s falls count anywhere. All of a sudden I’m not sure how secure Miz’s title reign is as that could mean a quick Morrison run for the title switch again at the Rumble.

Back from a break Miz yells at Riley who yells back.

Punk talks to a cameraman and says he needs to make sure that every shot is perfect tonight, even moreso than Snooki on New Year’s Eve. Dang it.

Bryan is with the Bellas who are talking about Christmas when Kidd comes in. He talks about how he’s going to be the next US Champion and that you should watch his match with Mark Henry later.

Josh talks to Orton who says that he’s going to be champion again and tonight the reign of Sheamus ends. Nothing special here at all.

Mark Henry vs. Tyson Kidd

Jackson Andrews is the bodyguard of Kidd and is here with him. Henry tries a flying Rikishi drop but can’t hit it. Kidd, with hair growing in now, takes control for a little bit but tries to charge at him and runs into the World’s Strongest Slam to end this at about 2:15. Well that was abrupt. Post match Andrews comes in and we have a showdown. Henry hits Andrews with the Slam as well.

Miz vs. Lawler later still. That hasn’t changed in the last 40 minutes.

The Miz vs. Jerry Lawler

Cole is joined by Matthews on commentary here. That might explain Lawler being in the ring so often: getting Matthews in his spot and making him more familiar. Before this starts Miz talks about how awesome he is and how he is a master of the science of professional wrestling. He yells at the audience to stop talking while he is, drawing loud boos. Why mess with the classics I suppose.

Lawler is in a WWE shirt and regular pants because his luggage was lost in a storm. Miz shows off to start including walking on Lawler’s back. Lawler fights back with his vast array of offense including shoulders and punches. We keep getting quick shots of Riley which makes me think shenanigans are up, especially with the title match looming. Miz locks on the chinlock as we talk about the TLC match. Matthews finally tells Cole to shut up. The blowoff of Cole being a jerk is going to be epic beyond words.

Miz is taking time to get through with Lawler as another sign points to s surprise ending. Miz rakes the eyes and Lawler is more or less just taking a beating. Cole says he’s uncomfortable watching this as Lawler is taking too much of a beating. Lawler is standing in the corner and Morrison comes out. Lawler takes a clothesline in the corner and starts dodging. He looks pretty bad here but it’s time to fight. No strap to pull down though.

Lawler hammers away with lefts and rights. Dropkick takes Miz down as do two more. The crowd is back into this now. Miz reverses a slam and puts him in the corner. The running clothesline Mizes (anybody? Anybody at all?) but Miz gets a clothesline over the top rope. Lawler knocks him off the top and Miz’s head hits the steps. FREAKING OW MAN! Riley gets on the apron but Morrison uses the distraction to drill Miz with the knee. LAWLER WINS BY COUNTOUT!!! Match ran about 9:45.

Rating: C. This was exactly what it was supposed to be. Miz beat the heck out of Lawler. Lawler stayed in this just long enough to survive, and Morrison is in Miz’s head for the title match next week. The quality wasn’t great of course but it wasn’t supposed to be. This was what it was supposed to be: furthering of the Miz vs. Morrison rivalry. And let the people saying I’m crazy and biased begin.

Sheamus is looking at his crown when Punk comes up to him. Punk talks about how Cena has disrespected him time after time and how he’s been on the receiving end of Cena’s insults over the last year. He’s right too.

Eve Torres/Gail Kim vs. Alicia Fox/Melina

Alicia has red hair now. She and Eve start us off. Lawler is back on commentary and Natalya is a guest for this match. Cole tag off to Gail as the crowd isn’t seeming to care. Everything breaks down and Melina hits the Sunset Split to beat Gail in approximately 2:00. Natalya slaps Melina post match. No rating as this was simply to get Melina over a bit more. Love that jet black hair.

Punk talks to the trainers, saying that they need to be ready for Cena tonight. Actually scratch that as trainers won’t be enough as we need EMTs. I want to know what’s coming now.

Zach Ryder vs. Daniel Bryan

We come back with this already in progress. The Bellas are with Bryan of course. Ryder gets basic offense going but taps out in a little over a minute shown to the LeBell Lock. The Bellas come in to celebrate and we get an E-Mail. This coming year is going to be the best ever…MIZ ATTACKS LAWLER! Miz runs in and destroys Lawler as Cole is reading, ramming him into the barricade and leaving him laying. Skull Crushing Finale to the floor leaves Lawler laying. I guess Bryan just kind of left. If Matthews is coming in to the broadcast team full time, there’s his door.

Back from a break and Cole is concerned. Josh doesn’t believe him.

Sheamus vs. Randy Orton

BIG pop for Orton. Orton controls early for the most part with all of his basic stuff. The7 color difference is striking here as Orton is almost orange and Sheamus is almost clear. Elevated DDT is countered and Orton fires away. Sheamus hits the floor and rams Orton’s head into the post. Orton may be bleeding from the back a bit. Sheamus goes aerial with a flying shoulder block for two as we take a break.

Back with Sheamus holding a modified crossface chickenwing on Orton. Sheamus hammers away for a few minutes with big forearm shots and clubbing blows that get him nowhere. He charges in the corner but his shoulder hits the post. Orton gets a suplex with one foot on the top rope and one on the middle rope for a close two. Mild boo/yay as they slug it out. Orton gets the Angle Slam for two. Sheamus is almost the same color as the mat.

RKO is blocked and reversed into the Irish Curse Backbreaker for two. Brogue Kick is ducked and another RKO attempt fails as Sheamus takes his head off with an axehandle. Here comes the High Cross but Orton reverses into the backbreaker. Sheamus avoids the third RKO and heads outside. He sets for another shoulder block but jumps into the RKO to end it at 14:15. Oh sweet merciful psychology how I love you!

Rating: C-. Dull match throughout but the ending was sweet. Orton had gotten caught by that very move but knew it was coming this time and caught Sheamus with the RKO this time. That is what you call psychology in a match. Orton learned as he went and incorporated it into the ending. Perfectly done.

Cena is on his way to the ring.

Ad for the Heenan DVD which should be a definite pickup.

Back from a break with Cena. He’s all ticked off and calling Punk CM Sucks. Punk’s music hits but there’s no Punk. Cena says he’ll go get them himself. Instead he gets…..Nexus? Minus Barrett but it’s still Nexus. Otunga does the talking as usual. Cena got them as he said he would so now Nexus is under new management. Otunga wants to offer Cena a truce.

Cena grabs the mic and says he’d shake Otunga’s hand if he believed a word he says, which he doesn’t. Otunga is a slimy worm of a man it seems. No truce, no moving forward. Otunga can leave or the fight is on. Otunga leaves and lwalks away with Nexus but they turn and charge the ring to beat down Cena. Everyone hits their finishers on him as Cole says Otunga is the new leader. Yeah…you’re a stupid man Cole.

Nexus leaves and here’s Punk of course. He comes to the ring where Cena has been left laying and hits GTS. Nice one too as the knee caught him square in the shoulder. Punk hits the floor and grabs a chair. He pulls it back but pauses and instead sits down in it. Punk picks up the Nexus armband that Otunga left in the ring and slips it on, revealing to everyone including the very stupid Cole that HE is the new leader of Nexus, not Otunga. He does the fist in the air to Nexus as we go off the air.

Overall Rating: B. The ending, while good, kind of came off as underwhelming. I missed the return of Nexus line that was apparently said at some point earlier in the show so this was more surprising to me. Once Otunga said the new management line it was rather clear what was coming, but this sets up a brand new dynamic for the feud which I rather like. The show was solid and sets up a lot of new stuff for the new year, including a possible new champion. Good stuff but it could have used more wrestling for sure. See you next year.

It’s the closest thing to a major Christmas show I could think of.  Also, what better way to almost close out the year than with an absolutely horrible show?

December to Dismember
Date: December 3, 2006
Location: James Brown Arena, Augusta, Georgia
Attendance: 4,800
Commentators: Joey Styles, Tazz

So this is more or less considered the standard for worst WWE PPV of all time. There are quite a few reasons for that and I’d say it’s likely true. Number one is Vince McMahon. Heyman was told to run this show and he put together a run sheet and the endings to matches etc.

Since Big Show had made it clear that he was leaving the company as soon as his contract was up two days after the show, the title change was clearly coming. Heyman’s original idea was Punk and Show start the Chamber match and Punk gets Show to tap out inside of four minutes. Punk liked it, Heyman liked it, Show LOVED it, the writers liked it, Vince hated it.

Vince insisted on Lashley getting the belt and a huge celebration ending the show. Heyman said allegedly three or four times that this was going to bomb. It did indeed bomb and guess what happened. Yep, Vince blamed Heyman for the whole thing and Paul quit/was thrown out. The second issue here is that we had seen Survivor Series SEVEN DAYS EARLIER.

Yeah, this is our second PPV in two weeks, so of course the buyrate was through the floor. That was of course Heyman’s fault too. Finally, this was called an ECW show. The problem was it was more or less a really long episode of the TV show with a bit main event. This wasn’t like the TV show now either. This was back when the show was awful and more or less held together with tape and gum every week. Let’s get this over with.

Of course the opening video is all about the Chamber. Oh, it’s an EXTREME Elimination Chamber as the four in pods will all have weapons. Give me a break.

Joey says this show might be infamous. That’s just amusing. He follows this by screwing up and saying there will be a new champion tonight. Thanks for the spoiler Joey.

MNM vs. Hardys

This was an open challenge that was accepted by MNM. Who cares that neither was on ECW at the time? This was one of two matches announced for the show. What does that tell you? MNM beat up the Hardys on Tuesday and that’s all there is to it. Jeff is IC Champion here by the way. Matt and Mercury start us off.

The Hardys are dominating and throw in a spin cycle which is always a cool move. It’s like a double suplex but they spin the other guy around. It’s hard to explain. And now we get the weird part of this: ECW chants by fans that actually think this is a real ECW show. They start a she’s a crack w**** chant at Melina and no one knows how to react to it.

Matt hits splash mountain on Nitro (Morrison) for two. Apparently Melina has herpes. This show really was doomed from the start on this. I didn’t know Scott Armstrong was refereeing this far back. Tazz isn’t helping things either with his idiotic commentary. To be fair though, he could be far more annoying, like that scream from Melina.

Tazz throws in that Cole doesn’t like women. If true, I’m not entirely surprised. In a funny bit, MNM go for the Twist of Fate and Swanton but Matt fights off and gets the hot tag to Jeff. Matt hits a Pescado on Mercury which is more or less caught and reversed to set up the big pile of aerial moves which never gets old.

Jeff misses the Swanton as Mercury pulls Nitro out. This has been pretty good so far. Tazz gets off on the screaming I think. Morrison looks weird with blonde hair. It’s MNM in control now as they beat up Jeff. Yeah Tazz is driving me crazy. Melina gets that same chant again. It amazes me that she was more or less just the sexy valet at this point and became a great worker (by comparison) in just a few years.

They’re being given a lot of time if nothing else as we’re about 15 minutes into this and there seems to be a good amount of time to go in it. Is Tazz supposed to be Jerry Lawler or something? If he is he’s somehow more annoying than Jerry if that’s possible. Jeff gets a Whisper in the Wind out of nowhere to set up the tag to Matt.

In a cool spot, Jeff is tagged back in and goes up. Matt tries to set Mercury up for a powerbomb by handing him to Jeff but Nitro makes the save and then shoves Mercury up to Jeff so he can hit a hurricanrana. That was freaking cool. Nitro accidentally dropkicks Melina and Jeff rolls him up for a LONG two.

Jeff takes the Snapshot but Matt makes the save. This is awesome stuff now. MNM sets for a top rope Snapshot but Matt saves with a double cutter to let Jeff hit a Swanton onto both of them for the pin. By the way, the Snapshot is Nitro holding up the other guy and Mercury hitting an elevated DDT.

Rating: B+. This was very good stuff as they were given a lot of time and it worked very well. This was a way to let MNM look good, even though at the end of the day they weren’t even the best tag team that Morrison was even a part of. Either way this was good stuff and it worked very well. Definitely good, but the show would go all downhill from here.

Van Dam says he’ll win the title tonight.

Matt Striker vs. Balls Mahoney

See what I mean about them not advertising anything? I think you can see why based on this one alone. They had been feuding back in the day and no one cared so let’s have people pay to see the “blowoff” to it. They kept saying that Striker was a former teacher that had to resign but it was never explained why: he got in trouble for going to wrestle at night.

The match tonight is under Striker’s Rules, meaning very strict. There is no eye gouging, no hair pulling, no top rope moves, and no foul language. I didn’t know that Bill Watts booked ECW. Balls comes out to a bad cover of Big Balls. They make jokes about Striker having a picture of himself on his body.

If there has ever been a match that belonged on TV, this is it. It’s ok, but it’s certainly not worth paying anything for. After even more boring stuff, this time mainly arm work from Balls, he hits the Nutcracker Sweet, of course not called that here, to get the win.

Rating: D. Not only was it boring, but this was something people had to pay to see without it being mentioned or advertised. Other than the opener and the main event, that’s the case all around tonight actually. You’re starting to get the idea why this show is considered awful.

Punk is getting ready.

Sabu is hurt and Hardcore Holly is replacing him in the main event. The fans, knowing what’s going on, loudly chant BS at this.

Sylvester Terkay/Elijah Burke vs. F.B.I.

This FBI is Guido and Tony Mamaluke. Burke is the Pope from TNA, and yet, he’s still overrated and more or less worthless. “But KB, he can talk so well!” Well that would bet true if it wasn’t BS. He’s talking now and he’s annoying me already. Now in TNA he’s a modern day Slick and just as annoying.

The only good thing about the FBI is they have Trinity and she looks quite good. Yep, that’s all I’m going to care about here. Terkay is more or less an MMA guy that wrestled. Apparently Tazz needs a cold shower. Can we please get to the end of this show PLEASE? We have a very weak where’s my pizza chant as I feel so sorry for the live fans.

This was a massive slap in the face of all of ECW and its fans, but hey, Vince gets to feel like he killed the freaking place and his delusions of grandeur are fulfilled for one more day right? All is right with the world now. More or less this is a way for Terkay to beat people up. It’s more or less a squash.

Actually screw that: it is a squash. Naturally the ECW guys get destroyed on an ECW show so that the WWE guys can look great. Oh and after the match, Terkay uses a Muscle Buster to get a big TNA chant going. Ok so not big but whatever. Just move on please.

Rating: D-. Screw Vince. This was just dumb. I get that you hate ECW but if you’re going to screw the audience like this, get over yourself Vince.

Sabu is put in an ambulance.

We get an ad for Raw, on an ECW show. This is freaking garbage.

Daivari vs. Tommy Dreamer

Daivari is more commonly known as Sheik Abdul Bashir recently and here he’s known as the manager of the Great Khali. I wonder what’s going to happen here. Dreamer jobbing would be ok I guess. Those poor fans actually think Dreamer has a chance in this. Khali is thrown out. And now no one else cares. It’s Dreamer vs. a tiny guy that never does anything else.

Dreamer gets some of his big spots in to get the crowd going a bit, but naturally as he goes for the DDT, Daivari just rolls him up with the tights for the pin. I hate this show more and more every time. Of course Khali comes out and chokeslams him on the ramp. Tazz is legit ticked off as you can tell.

Rating: W. That stands for who freaking cares anymore. I’m not even an ECW fan and I’m even an ECW critic and this is ticking me off. Tell me one reason why Daivari should have gone over like that here. If you’re going to have Khali destroy him, fine, but have that be the reason to end the freaking match. This is just mindless.

Dreamer takes forever to get up as we’re an hour and 15 minutes into this and we have two matches left, one of which is a mixed tag.

Ad for See No Evil, which is of course, a WWE thing and not an ECW thing.

I actually took a break at this point to watch a bad Disney Channel movie. That’s how annoyed I am with this show.

Heyman gives Hardcore Holly the spot in the main event. The fans pause and then know what’s coming, as Holly gets the spot. I actually can’t understand Holly’s first line as the fans are booing so loudly. This was a freaking atrocity and it’s pathetic that it has to be. The fans are just freaking dead now.

Ariel/Kevin Thorn vs. Kelly/Mike Knox

Kelly dated Knox apparently. Kelly at this point is an exhibitionist and AWFUL. I mean she’s ridiculously bad so we get Knox and Thorn. Knox has no beard at this point and is somehow more worthless than he was before. Oh dang it they’re letting him talk. Oh good Kelly is talking instead. She likes Punk, who gets a chant. That chant didn’t happen though. No one likes Punk. What people want is HARDCORE HOLLY AND TEST!!!

Thorn is a vampire and Ariel is a fortune telling gypsy or something. She would become Salinas in TNA in case you’re more familiar with them. This is a freaking disgrace. I’m glad no one bought it as it makes things seem a bit better. No one cares about this either as since both girls can’t wrestle we more or less have a Knox vs. Thorn match.

And here they are. At least Kelly looks hot. Kelly tries to get the tag to Knox but he leaves. Note: the fans chant for Punk to come make the save. To make sure it’s clear: Punk is WAY over. Sandman makes the save instead which gets a nice pop.

Rating: D-. Kelly looking hot is the only reason this passes. I just want to get to the end of this.

We get a long ad for Armageddon, which was the third PPV in four weeks. WWE was so stupid at this point that I can’t comprehend it.

Some RIDICULOUSLY hot chick named Rebecca interviews Lashley. She can’t talk but she doesn’t need to. It’s mainly about how Lashley has had to put up with a ton of nonsense, more or less confirming that he’ll win tonight, which only Vince wanted to see.

Three of the people in the chamber come to the ring together. We get the same exact video as the one that opened the show. Oh man they knew they had jack. We’re about an hour and a half into the show at this point mind you.

Heyman comes out and talks while saying nothing at all. This is nothing more than trying desperately to fill in time.

ECW World Title: CM Punk vs. Bobby Lashley vs. Test vs. Hardcore Holly vs Big Show vs. Rob Van Dam

Now keep in mind, Punk and Lashley were more or less worthless at this point, so the only two legit main event guys you have in there are RVD who was hated by the company at this point and Show who didn’t care as he was leaving in 48 hours. RVD and Holly start. Remember that as soon as each pod opens up, the person comes out with a weapon which I’ll get to as each pod opens.

Holly is booed out of the building. Naturally Vince will insist that it’s because of how great a heel he is or whatever. So we have to watch Holly and Van Dam for five minutes. Oh joy. The entrances took almost ten minutes mind you. The fans are dead here by the way. We get Rolling Thunder on the cage, which is impressive but we’ve seen it before.

They’ve managed to make the Elimination Chamber boring. That’s just impressive. Note: another Punk chant goes up. I can’t emphasize this enough: PUNK IS OVER. In third is Punk and his chair to a freaking ERUPTION.   It’s a shame that he didn’t have a chance to win here. And Van Dam kicks the chair into him so he’s down 30 seconds in.

Ok to be fair, they’re the two most over guys in there so that’s ok I guess. Van Dam is bleeding. Apparently you can get pins outside on the cage now. That’s new I think. Heyman is the evil GM here in case you didn’t know. Punk is getting destroyed by Holly here in case you weren’t sure.

Also Punk would have his first loss in the company to Holly in about a month with the justification being that Holly was the bigger star and should go over. Again: if it’s not Vince’s idea, it’s not a good idea. In fourth is Test with a crowbar. Naturally he nails Punk with it. This is freaking stupid. Test and Hardcore Holly are in THE MAIN EVENT OF A PAY PER VIEW.

The idea here is that the heels are all working together which is completely pointless considering the idea of the match but that can’t be Vince’s idea. Heyman “booked” this remember? And then Van Dam hits this Five Star and Punk is gone. Yep, the most over guy in the match is out first while Test and Holly get to stick around.

Test puts Holly out ten seconds later with a big boot. It was only a two but the referee calls it three. The announcers and fans are confused but since this show isn’t for the fans it doesn’t matter. Van Dam goes up on top of Big Show’s pod but a chair shot puts him down. Test hits a big elbow off the pod…and Van Dam is out. Let’s see. Why is this stupid? Number one, the most over guy left is Big Show.

Second, now THERE’S NO ONE FOR TEST TO FIGHT, so it’s just dead time now. Third, you had freaking TEST beat RVD. We’re still just sitting around after two replays of the elbow and just waiting on ANYTHING to happen. The fans have completely turned on the match at this point and don’t care at all. Thankfully the next guy in is Lashley.

He gets NO pop at all. Heyman’s security try to hold him in the pod, but using the WOODEN table in the pod with him, he breaks the STEEL chains on top of the pod. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? The table is still in the pod mind you so it’s not like it’s even being used. They keep ramming Test into the Plexiglas to set up Lashley vs. Show.

Yeah, that’s what this whole thing is supposed to end with: the massive showdown between Show and a heavily muscled guy. I know I’ve said it before, but Vince has to have repressed homosexual desires towards musclemen. I mean really, is there any doubt of it at this point? The fans HATE this mind you.

A spear puts Test out with a minute and a half left until Show comes out. In other words, we have nothing to do but wait for the time to run out. You might as well quit reading now as you know exactly what’s coming. Show comes in with his barbed wire ball bat and naturally he gets in no offense as it’s ALL Lashley here.

He avoids the chokeslam and they slug it out. Lashley is terrible in the ring at this point mind you, so this is even more torture. And he wins it with a spear. The main event is over two hours and five minutes into the show.

Rating: D-. This was just completely ridiculous for reasons I’ve already gone into. For another thing, SABU, the guy that has somehow made a whole career out of doing stupid stunts in a ring, is left out here in favor of Holly. Are you freaking KIDDING? This was just dumb and nothing more than Vince deciding that he’s smarter than the fans once again.

And that’s it. No seriously, the show which cost 40 dollars started at 8pm and was over at 10:05pm, the last 4 minutes being the celebration by Lashley. Do I even need to insult this?

Overall Rating: I. For incomplete. Where’s the last 45 minutes of this? I know WWE cuts their shows early, but this was inexcusable. Not only does it end 40 minutes early, but there were two matches allegedly worth seeing and the Hardys vs. MNM was the only good thing of it at all. This wasn’t a PPV. It was Vince making sure that ECW died the way he wanted it to.

If Vince would listen once all night, he could have heard the fans BEGGING for this to be Punk but the rookie muscle guy gets it instead. Heyman was of course blamed for the whole thing because while he wrote the show, it was his third one or so and the only reason he went with it was because Vince wouldn’t accept anything.

Like I said, the initial idea was Punk puts Show out in about three minutes and we end with Van Dam, Punk and Lashley (if we have to) in a 20 minute war. Alas, that would have been entertaining though so they went with Lashley being given the hero push so Vince would have nice wet dreams that night. This was an abomination and not a PPV at all.

Get the Hardys/MNM match if you like tag wrestling, but other than that don’t do anything with this show so Vince doesn’t get anything out of it. This was an insult to the fans at best and an ego trip by Vince of epic proportions.