Monday Night Raw
Date: March 28, 2011
Location: Allstate Arena, Chicago, Illinois
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, Josh Matthews

This is the final show before Wrestlemania.  That being said there probably won’t be a lot of in ring action tonight as WWE is afraid of having any injuries before the biggest night of the year. The main story tonight though is that the Rock will be live in the arena tonight for the first time in almost a month.  The staredown with Rock and Cena should be awesome.  Let’s get to it.

We open with Punk sitting in the ring and being cheered loudly.  He says he’s going to miss the Mania sign when he gets to Atlanta.  Punk lives in reality while Orton lives in a fantasy world.  He doesn’t care what happens to the people or to New Nexus.  This causes a Randy chant as Punk gets the smark crowd against him with one sentence.  Not bad.  It’s not his fault that they got punted in the head.  Punk talks about how Orton built up a psychological advantage which meant nothing.

We get a clip of the bus attack last week which is still rather weak.  Punk claims that Orton cost him a title and now Punk has cost Orton his respect.  This chapter closes at Wrestlemania.  Cue Orton with a big bandage on his knee.  After a very slow walk he gets into the ring but gets beaten down by Punk.

And never mind as a single uppercut turns the tide and Orton gets the elevated DDT.  Orton sets for the Punt but the knee gives out.  There are dueling chants here as Punk gets back in the ring.  He gets a shot to the knee and Orton is in trouble.  GTS leaves Orton laying.

Christian stops to get Edge as apparently they’re up next.  Apparently the Raw GM has allowed Edge to fight Alberto tonight.

Edge/Christian vs. Brodus Clay/Alberto Del Rio

 

Edge vs. Brodus to start us off here and it’s off to Christian quickly.  Christian knocks Clay to the floor and dives on him, only to get caught.  Edge gets a baseball slide into the back of Christian to send Brodus down and we take a break.  Back with Del Rio working on the arm of Christian.  Off to Clay who gets two as Lawler and Cole argue about hair.  Del Rio gets a middle rope elbow for two.

Tornado DDT out of the corner puts Del Rio down and here comes both Edge and Clay.  Nice pop for the tag to Edge.  Cross body fails for Edge but he avoids a powerslam to get an Edge-O-Matic for two.  Del Rio breaks up the spear and Christian breaks up Del Rio.  Brodus misses a charge and the spear ends him at 5:42 shown of 8:12.

Rating: C+. Pretty decent tag match here with them having a nice way to get everyone in the ring at once.  Christian and Clay have been nice additions to this feud as we’ve been able to avoid the stupid staredowns and debates and various other things like that.  Not a bad match here and it keeps there from being any real contact between Edge and Del Rio before the PPV.

Both Edge and Christian get stuck in the cross armbreaker as Del Rip and Clay leave them laying.

Apparently Trish and Snooki are in a bar in Jersey.  This was taped last week and Snooki was three hours late based on various reports.  Not a good sign.

Sin Cara is coming.

Miz and Riley are setting up a WWE logo to be the M version from last week.  The title looks like that now as well.

There’s an E-Mail and Cole has a computer in his box.  He has an Ipad now.  The GM needs to know if Lawler is ready for Wrestlemania after what Cole did to him last week.  Swagger vs. Lawler tonight.

We get a video about HHH vs. Undertaker which is set to a song about outrunning the devil and numbers.  We also get highlight videos of both guys’ careers and their matches at Mania.  HHH says if he can’t end the Streak, he’ll die trying.

Back with the Corre in the ring.  Apparently Justin Gabriel is in action….so here are Show and Kane?  And Kozlov and Santino.  Santino is the opponent.  Ok then.

Santino Marella vs. Justin Gabriel

 

The long talked about 8 man tag of Santino/Kozlov/Big Show/Kane vs. Corre is announced.  Gabriel gets an incredibly fast kick for two and locks on a modified chicken wing.  Santino comes back and sets for the Cobra but Slater distracts him.  Kane takes him out and it’s a big brawl on the floor.  Here comes the Corba and we’re done at 1:49.  Just a quick match to set up the 8 man on Sunday.

Post match everyone does Santino’s trombone thing, even Kane.  There’s a meme waiting to happen.

Some R&B singer is singing America the Beautiful.  That means….no Justin Bieber?  This Mania just got AWESOME!

HHH and Taker have their showdown next.

Here comes the Deadman and that Johnny Cash theme is rapidly growing on me.  Here comes HHH and as he sets to do the water spit, the gong goes off and the lights go out.  They come back on…and everything is just as it was.  They stare each other down, and here’s Shawn Michaels!  He does belong in a WWE ring for Mania week.  Huge HBK chant starts up.

Shawn says there was no way he was going to miss this.  Taker and HHH have barely stopped staring each other down.  Taker is either looking at Shawn or his eyes are rolled back in his head.  It’s at Shawn.  You could only see the whites of his eyes and with him you never can tell.  Shawn talks about how great both of them are and how huge this is.

He keeps talking before turning to HHH and asking why in the world would you think you can do what I couldn’t.  HHH says Shawn got soft somewhere along the way and that Shawn realized he didn’t have to win to be Mr. Wrestlemania.  HHH says that he has to win and he will.  The Game turns to Taker and says that when he got here he saw one guy that held everything together.  He lists off a lot of injuries Taker has worked through and how HHH has looked up to Undertaker his entire career and molded himself after Undertaker.

The only person that HHH admires and respects in wrestling as much as the Undertaker is Shawn.  Years ago Shawn and HHH made a pact that if either of them could ever not do it anymore they would tell the other so.  If the other couldn’t accept it, they would force it on them.  HHH looks at Undertaker and says that it’s time for Undertaker to stop.  He’ll always respect Undertaker, but in six days the Streak is over.  HHH says he’s the one, as in 18-1.  Good line.  Taker hasn’t said a word yet.  The Streak rests in peace on Sunday.

Undertaker grabs the mic from HHH and says that if the time ever comes for someone to put him down, he wants it to be HHH.  But it’s not his time.  HHH is going to kill himself trying but the Streak will still be alive and so will Undertaker.  Wait, Undertaker is alive?  I thought he was a zombie.  Taker says that if HHH doesn’t want to take Taker’s word for it, ask Shawn.

Shawn walks around being the man that gave Undertaker the best Mania matches of his career and he came that close to beating it.  Shawn seems bothered by this.  Taker says he looks at Shawn and sees a man that he humbled.  Shawn is a man that is going into the Hall of Fame as a man full of regrets and as a man whose career Undertaker ended.

Shawn grabs the mic and tries a superkick but gets caught in an attempted chokeslam.  HHH breaks it up and they stare each other down again.  HHH tells Shawn to tell Taker why HHH will win at Mania.  Shawn doesn’t move and HHH turns to look at him.  Both guys look at Shawn as the people chant one more match.  Shawn leaves and HHH shouts at him but Shawn says something we can’t hear.  The camera shifts so we can see Shawn say I’m sorry and something that looked like “I can’t do it.”  Shawn leaves with that.

HHH and Undertaker look at each other, Taker laughs and tips his hat and Johnny Cash plays him out.  Long segment that I have a feeling is going to get a very mixed reception. Good stuff, but not good enough to make this match as epic as they were shooting for.

Jerry Lawler vs. Jack Swagger

 

Lawler has different music here.  Cole pops up on the apron and gets down just before Lawler hits him.  Swagger takes over and a Vader Bomb crushes him.  Out to the floor and Jerry is thrown into the time keeper’s area.  Lawler gets a right hand in and pops Swagger with a chair for the DQ at 1:20.  That’s really the only ending they could go with here.  Lawler goes after Cole but the security holds him back as Jerry tries to get in through the top of the box.  Cole throws his drink at him and Jerry backs off.

We recap the mixed tag from last week and here’s Vickie with sunglasses ala Morrison.  She does his pose with his music and pyro behind her.  We even get slow motion.  She says that she has a message for Snooki.  After the match Sunday, Snooki will be passed out and unconscious as always.  Vickie’s evil laugh is pretty awesome.

Dolph Ziggler/Sheamsu vs. Daniel Bryan/John Morrison

 

Nice pop for Morrison.  Sheamus vs. Morrison to start Flash Kick doesn’t work as Morrison jumps into the Irish Curse for two as we take a break.  Back with the same pairing as before the break as Sheamus locks on a bow and arrow hold.  Morrison fights out of it with a dropkick and it’s a double tag.

Bryan comes in and cleans house as he locks in the LeBell Lock to Ziggler.  Sheamus makes the save as Morrison kicks Ziggler in the head.  Apparently Sheamus is legal now.  I don’t remember a tag but ok then.  Morrison and Ziggler hit the floor and the LeBell Lock doesn’t work.  Sheamus hits the High Cross which Cole calls Pale Justice.  It’s a Razor’s Edge either way and it ends it at 2:44 shown of 6:14.

Rating: C-. Not really enough to grade but this is a quick way to get some build in for both matches.  Always been a fan of that as it’s a very good way to kill two birds with one stone.  I’d love to see these four get more time in the ring as it could be something rather good.  This wasn’t much from a wrestling standpoint but it wasn’t terrible I guess.

Orton is having his knee iced down and says that he’ll make it to Mania.  He has anger management issues and has hurt people he didn’t know just because he could.  He’s never despised anyone until now so the question isn’t can he make it to Mania but rather can Punk make it out of Mania.

Time for the Hall of Fame inductee of the night.  It’s the LEGION OF DOOM!!!!! It’s about freaking time!  We get a nice video package on them and apparently Paul Ellering is going in with them.  That makes the class LOD, Ellering, Shawn Michaels, Sunny, Bullet Bob Armstrong, Abdullah the Butcher and Jim Duggan.  I leave out Drew Carey for reasons of idiocy.

Snooki and Trish are at a bar and oh my goodness Snooki is drunk.  Some Jersey guy is annoying them constantly.  Snooki slaps him and he gets taken out.  This was rather pointless and lasted maybe a minute.

We cut to Matthews and then back to the bar as Laycool is there.  Big brawl breaks out and they get pulled apart, making this whole thing maybe 80 seconds.

Back and it’s time.  The Rock is here on the big screen and there’s the music.  HUGE Rocky chant goes up and it takes awhile to get to the talking.  This is a special city to Rock as his first Wrestlemania was here.  On that night, he was nervous but he brought it.  That night he founded Team Bring It which everyone is a part of.  On Team Bring It you don’t worry about what’s coming and you go after your dreams.

Recently Rock has had a dream of his own.  In this dream he came to the ring and called out John Cena.  Mad heat for the mere mention of Cena’s name.  The fans chant Cena sucks.  He doesn’t have a chance tonight.  Rock says Cena looks like a homeless Power Ranger.  Rock talks about Cena and how tonight, Rock is here with the MILLIONS.

Cue Cena who is looking rather chipper.  Hokey smoke this is epic.  Not total booing for Cena when he first comes out but when he starts talking it changes a bit.  Cena says this is what he finally wanted: Rock back in a WWE ring.  This is where Rock belongs according to Cena.  The fans chant for Rocky.  When Cena started talking about him years ago he was one of the millions.  He didn’t understand why Rock left because Cena wanted Rock back for moments like these when Rock has the people in the palm of his hands.  If Rock doesn’t believe Cena, Rock should listen to them.

If Rock still doesn’t believe him, Rock should feel the electricity.  When Rock came back he was smoking and it was an honor to have Rock make fun of him.  Cena takes a jab at the via satellite moments and Cena wanted to know…..something we have to wait on as the fans chant Cena Sucks a bit more.  Cena wants to know what problem Rock had with him.  That’s a good question actually.  Cena says that he looked past all the jokes and catchphrases and found a lot of problems Rock had with him.

Who in the world is Rock to tell Cena how to dress or what to listen to or who his audience should be?  If that is what it takes to be on Team Bring It then Cena wants nothing to do with it.  Cena knows there are people that hate him and he’s not going to change for them or for anyone.  He’ll be judged at the end of the day but it won’t be by Rock.

There were things like the colors and the way he talks.  Also the music and the hustle, loyalty and respect.  The one that surprises Cena though is that Rock’s audience is kids.  That’s right and Cena is proud of what he is and who he’s become.  Rock hasn’t taken his eyes off Cena the whole time.  Cena morphs into Super Cena, saying that if Rock has a problem with Cena working as hard as he has, there’s something to talk about.

Rock says the good Lord will be the one to judge them and gets in Cena’s face.  Even the good Lord can’t save Cena from Rock whipping him all over Chicago.  Cena says if you want to fight there’s nothing stopping you and throws the mic down.  Here’s Miz and he has a LOT to live up to.  Miz says that he’s tired of being overshaddowed by the O Brothers: Overrated and Overhyped.  Cena will lose at Wrestlemania, but he’ll go down fighting, unlike The Rock.

Miz says he knows a secret.  Rocky isn’t going to do a thing tonight because Rock isn’t going to risk losing a movie career to get beaten up and embarrassed by Miz.  That’s not a risk, but rather a guaran-darn-tee that if Rock even looks at Miz Rock will never be able to set foot in Hollywood after the beating Miz gives him.  Rock can talk all he wants and it won’t matter.  Rock says it doesn’t matter what Miz thinks.

Riley jumps Rock and the beating is on.  Riley is knocked to the floor as Cena is gone.  Rock takes down Miz with a DDT and botches the nip up.  Oh Cena is on the floor.  People’s Elbow to Miz who is thrown to the floor.  Rock turns around and it’s an Attitude Adjustment to Rock as the booing is insane.  Rock can’t see Cena as he leaves.  Cena points to the Mania sign and we’re off the air.

Overall Rating: C+. Well the wrestling was very light this week but at the same time that was expected.  Obviously they can’t risk an injury to Miz or Cena in a pointless match…yet the other world title match participants had a match.  It’s almost as if that match means nothing in the grand scheme of things.  Anyway this was a solid build up show with I think every match getting at least some camera time.  That’s a good sign and much better than the previous few go home shows for Wrestlemania.  I liked this for the most part but some stuff could have been changed.  Good overall though.

Results

Edge/Christian b. Alberto Del Rio/Brodus Clay – Spear to Clay

Santino Marella b. Justin Gabriel – Cobra

Jack Swagger b. Jerry Lawler via DQ when Lawler used a chair

Sheamus/Dolph Ziggler b. Daniel Bryan/John Morrison – High Cross to Bryan

Smackdown
Date: March 25, 2011
Location: Nationwide Arena, Columbus, Ohio
Commentators: Michael Cole, Josh Matthews, Booker T

After last week’s awesome show we’re here at the last real show before the big one.  Next week is going to be a clip/review/highlight show which I can’t say I blame them for.  I’d want to get to Atlanta as intact as I could also.  Probably more with Alberto vs. Christian/Edge tonight which I really hope doesn’t turn into a triple threat at Mania.  Anyway let’s get to it.

We open with a recap of last week’s main event inside the cage and the big beatdowns that followed, one to Edge and one to Christian.  Edge has a bad arm now due to Del Rio and his Conchairto to the arm.

Edge is complaining to Teddy about the injuries.  There’s been a ruling apparently that Edge thinks is geared towards Alberto.  Teddy insists it’s in the best interests of the company.  Edge can’t touch Del Rio and vice versa or they’re both off Mania.  The classics never die.

Theme song hits.  Get your reinforcements.  And get a new joke for me because that one has gotten really old.

Rey Mysterio vs. CM Punk

 

Not a bad way to start things off.  This is another Wrestlemania Rewind match.  We hear a lot about Cody, more or less saying he’ll be making an appearance in this match.  We get a clip from the bus incident from Monday which is just a failure.  This feud started out white hot and is now awful.  Wow we’re only 9 nights away from Mania.  That’s awesome.

Punk takes him into the corner and stomps away to start us off.  Rey speeds things up a bit and gets a headscissors to send Punk into the 619 position.  Big swinging kick to Punk’s head gets two.  Springboard cross body misses and here comes Punk.  They’re going through the motions here which is rather odd from these two.  Can Booker say anything besides “almost got him right there”?

Abdominal stretch goes on which doesn’t last long as Punk is sent out to the floor.  Rey jumps on his shoulders but is launched ribs first into the barrier.  Back with Punk in control in the ring with a body scissors.  Punk uses various offense on the ribs which makes perfect sense.  The fans chant 619 and Punk smiles.  Cross body gets two for CM.

An attempt at a second cross body off the top eats a dropkick though and both guys are down for a few seconds.  Rey uses some leverage to send Punk out to the floor and hits an Asai Moonsault to take Punk down.  And just as it was obvious about, here’s Cody to send Rey into the post for the DQ at 5:30 shown of 9:00.

Rating: B-. This was good while it lasted but the length and the ending hurt it a bit.  They started off going through the motions but it got better after the break.  See what happens when you put good workers together and give them a few minutes?  You get a pretty good match.  What are the odds of that?

Cody beats up Rey post match and exposes a metal knee brace which he rams into the head of Mysterio to leave him laying.  Nice little touch of continuity there.

Edge is in his locker room when Christian comes in.  Christian isn’t sure that Edge fighting Drew McIntyre later is a good idea.  Edge says it’s cool and that he’ll be in Christian’s corner against Alberto.

Undertaker responds to HHH later tonight.  Dude can they do ANYTHING but respond to each other?

Edge vs. Drew McIntyre

Both guys have cool music.  What in the world happened to Drew?  He was the hottest thing in the world what, six months ago?  Tiffany better be awesome in bed to cost him this much of a push.  Edge stomps a Canadian mudhole into Drew but Drew goes right after Edge’s arm like a smart man.  The psychology has been good here tonight.  After some more work on the arm, Drew goes up and Edge is able to pull him off.

So much for the momentum though as Edge can’t use the Edgecution.  That’s a good thing as instead of just shaking his arm, Edge is selling the move to the point that he can’t use his offense.  Little things like those make a big difference.  Futureshock is reversed by a backdrop and it’s the Edgecator (the kneeling Sharpshooter hold) for the tap out at 2:25.  No rating but this was fine.  Edge spears Drew post match.

The Taker/HHH video from Smackdown eats up a few minutes.

Kelly Kelly/Rosa Mendes vs. Laycool

 

Laycool is dressed up like Snooki including the hairdo.  The non Flawless girls take then down and it’s a big brawl to start.  This is totally nothing as it’s more or less just a quick brawl with Layla beating Rosa in 1:08 with the Layout.

Laycool runs down their Mania opponents and say that Snooki may be famous but she’ll never be *fist pump* flawless.

We recap Corre vs. Show/Kane last week and the big beatdown.

Intercontinental Title: Kofi Kingston vs. Wade Barrett

 

Kofi fires off some strikes and gets two off a dropkick.  Lots of early covers by Kofi here.  Corre is outside the ring, meaning in this match we have: a guy from Ghana (Ghanan?  Ghanian?  I’m really not sure what the right term is there), an Englishman, a South African, a South American and an American.  It’s remarkable how international WWE is getting, including people like Sheamus, Mason Ryan and Sin Cara.  Good idea too.

Kofi tries to go to the middle rope for something with his back to Barrett but gets kicked off as Barrett takes over.  Big boot puts Kofi on the floor.  That looked great.  Boss Man Slam gets two and it’s off to a bow and arrow.  Middle rope elbow misses for Barrett and here comes Kingston.  The cross body gets two and there’s the Boom Drop.  He sets for Trouble in Paradise but Corre distracts him.  The delay doesn’t really work as Kofi fires the kick but Barrett ducks and catches Kofi on his shoulders for the Wasteland.  That was awesome looking and it gives Barrett the title at 5:10.

Rating: B-. I like Barrett’s in ring style and this was a good example of that.  He mixes things up out there and it works rather well when he gets to use his various stuff.  Most importantly though: this gives Barrett something.  He hadn’t won anything since the first season of NXT and now he has something concrete on his resume.  That’s been lacking for him so I’m well pleased here.  Pretty good match too.

Alberto wants to hurt Edge but Teddy says he’s not allowed.  Albert says Teddy doesn’t have the guts to ban him from Mania.  Teddy says there have been 26 Wrestlemanias without Del Rio and Teddy can make it 27.  That was a good comeback actually.

Cue Undertaker with the Johnny Cash music so I guess it’s staying.  He stays on the stage to address HHH.  Taker says the more things change, the more they stay the same.  HHH thinks he can break the Streak, which is what everyone has said.  Taker says that soon HHH will learn he can’t do it.  This is all going to be said to HHH’s face on Monday.

HHH’s number is coming up and everything goes on the line at Mania.  That number is nineteen.  Good ending to the promo, but good grief I could not be less hyped about this match if I tried to be.  The lack of contact has really hurt it a lot.  Also the lack of an actual reason for them to fight.

Jack Swagger vs. R-Truth

 

We get a clip from Monday of Swagger beating up Lawler.  Truth’s singing sounds off.  Cole goes into full on psycho heel mode here as we get going.  Belly to belly by Swagger gets two.  Cole and Booker get into a cheerleading contest as Swagger takes over.  Truth pulls the top rope down and a charging Swagger hits the floor.

Truth seems to be limping a bit and he dives out to the floor.  He’s clearly not on full strength as that dive was weak looking and he landed on his shoulder it seemed.  Back in the ring and Truth goes up, only to get dropped and have his leg caught in the rope.  Swagger gives Truth’s leg a DDT and the ankle lock ends it at 2:50.  Cole talks about being in a dojo with Swagger which freaks Booker out.  Just a glorified squash for Swagger here.

Cole “raps” to Truth post match and runs him down.  He and Swagger take a victory lap.  That’s going to be an epic beating when it finally happens.  I’d love to see an army of people come out and hit their finishers on him like what happened to Bischoff at the first One Night Stand.

We see the ending of Raw with the Miz/Cena segment which was great.

That transitions into running down the Mania card.  Del Rio’s graphic has him in a robe kind of thing.  When has he ever been in that?

Alberto Del Rio vs. Christian

 

There’s a ton of time left in the show here so this could be long.  I think it’s a Mercedes this week.  Brodus and Edge are the seconds here.  Solid pop for Christian.  Christian gets the clapping going and it’s time to go.  Shoulder gets two for the Canadian.  Alberto gets Christian in the corner and stomps him down but is backdropped over the corner and out to the floor.

Big cross body takes Del Rio down on the outside as we take a break.  Back with Christian getting a sunset flip out of the corner for two and Del Rio hits the floor.  Baseball slide misses and Del Rio shoves Christian into the barrier to take over again.  Fast paced stuff here.  Arm bar goes onto Christian which doesn’t last long.

Senton back splash off the middle rope gets two for Del Rio.  Armbar again doesn’t stay on long as Christian is put on the mat.  Edge distracts Del Rio a bit and Christian gets a rana off the second rope for two.  Christian starts a comeback but a top rope cross body misses.  The corner enziguri misses and Christian gets a tornado DDT for two as Ricardo puts the foot on the rope.

Edge goes after Ricardo but it’s Brodus with the save.  Cross armbreaker is attempted by Del Rio but Christian flips into the Killswitch.  That gets countered also and Del Rio hits an enziguri to put Christian down for a long two.  Crowd is way into this.  Cross armbreaker goes on but Christian grabs a rope.  Both guys are down as Edge spears Clay and pops him with a chair.  Christian reverses the armbreaker into the Killswitch to end it at 8:49 shown of 12:19.

Rating: B+. Good stuff here indeed as again you give two guys time and the match works much better.  The arm was the story throughout the match and in the end another attempt at going for it cost Del Rio.  Good match here but I do kind of question Alberto losing back to back matches mostly clean in a row heading into Mania.

Christian pops Del Rio with a chair since Edge isn’t allowed to, ending the show.

Overall Rating: A-. Another strong outing from Smackdown this week as they go into Mania on a high note, yet with almost none of the focus being on them as usual.  It’s really starting to get awkward with Christian as he’s been in the main event scene the entire time for this feud yet he doesn’t have a match at the PPV.  I don’t want a triple threat though as we need a one on one match for the title.  Very good stuff here and my faith in Smackdown is restored.

Results

Rey Mysterio b. CM Punk via DQ when Cody Rhodes interfered

Edge b. Drew McIntyre – Edgecator

Laycool b. Rosa Mendes/Kelly Kelly – Layout to Mendes

Wade Barrett b. Kofi Kingston – Wasteland

Jack Swagger b. R-Truth – Ankle Lock

Christian b. Alberto Del Rio – Killswitch

Monday Night Raw
Date: March 21, 2011
Location: CONSOL Energy Center, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Commentators: Michael Cole, Josh Matthews, Jerry Lawler

With less than two weeks to go before Wrestlemania it’s pretty clear that the card is set.  That being said, it now means that the TV is probably going to get dull as all we have is padding for the upcoming PPV.  I’m not looking for a lot on the next two weeks and next week in particular.  Nothing that I can think of is announced for tonight, so let’s get to it.

We open with Good Old…..Michael Cole in a fat suit with his ankle taped and a bottle of barbecue sauce.  It took the crowd a bit to get the idea but they finally boo the heck out of him.  Cole has cotton in his mouth to simulate Ross’ voice issues.  Funny stuff.

HHH opens us up properly.  His entrances might take longer than Undertaker’s if that’s possible.  HHH talks about how this is the biggest match of his career and how people are finally talking about the match with the signs like 19-0 and 18-1.  He actually says the Streak is bigger than any championship.  I’m kind of surprised to hear that.  HHH wants Undertaker to be here next week for a staredown.  He talks about Taker’s song and that once the Streak is over, Taker is done and that at Mania Undertaker will rest in peace.  Weak promo indeed.

HHH starts to leave but here’s…..Ted DiBiase?  As in Junior.  What the heck does he think he’s doing here?  He talks about how last year he was a rising star and now he’s just another guy.  What would happen if he took out HHH right now on live TV?  Well at least he knows he means nothing.  DiBiase gets in a few shots but winds up getting beaten down to the shock of no one.  HHH beats on DiBiase with a chair and I guess this is to show how ruthless he is.  Pedigree through the announce table and DiBiase is dead.

Cena will be here via satellite tonight.  Oh there are a ton of jokes there.

Miz will be rewriting “Miz-Tory” tonight.  Ok then.

Evan Bourne vs. Sheamus

 

This is non-title I think and is happening due to Bourne getting that quick win a few weeks back.  Total Sheamus dominance to start us off here but Bourne gets a kick to put Sheamus down.  Since almost the only move he has is the Shooting Star he tries that and misses.  Brogue Kick ends this in 1:24.

Sheamus says he’s the new US Champion and is awesome.  Bryan comes out and wants his rematch at Mania.  Sheamus kicks him in the head and leaves him laying.  Gee remember a few weeks ago when so many people said Sheamus got buried and I said you were wrong and it wasn’t a burial?  Care to say that you all ran your mouths now and have no idea what you’re talking about?  Go ahead.  Anytime now.

It’s Wrestlemania Rewind tonight with Orton vs. Mysterio vs. the invisible and unnamed Kurt Angle apparently.

Back with Orton getting off a bus and having some interviewer asking him how he’s doing.  Orton talks about being on the bus and liking having his family with him and that he loves watching the video of him punting Nexus over and over again.  All we really get out of this is that he has a bus.  And I’m sure Punk isn’t going to do anything to that bus later.  Not a thing.

Maryse vs. Eve Torres

 

Non title again as I guess Maryse is heel on Raw and face on NXT.  She gets slapped down as this is about as riveting as you would expect it to be.  After nothing of note is going on, Cole AGAIN interrupts them on the mic and says he has something else to announce tonight that is special and we need to get this match over with.  Standing moonsault to Maryse gets knees but she hits a spinning neckbreaker to end it at 2:20.  Eve goes after Cole and his security takes her out.

Back with Corre in the ring as the tag champions are on Raw for once.  We get a clip from Smackdown of Corre beating the tar out of Kane and Big Show which was nowhere near as epic as they were trying to make it out to be.

Justin Gabriel/Heath Slater vs. Santino Marella/Vladimir Kozlov

 

It’s not a good sign that I had the non-champions names written in before their music hit because they’re the Raw face tag team.  Gabriel vs. Santino to start and Santino wants the Cobra.  He gets his head kicked off instead and it’s off to Slater for the chinlock.  Off to Kozlov as Barrett gets involved.  Slater gets a reverse DDT and the 450 ends this at 1:47.  Total squash.

Show and Kane come down for the save post match.  They clean house and leave Corre laying, including Jackson after a double chokeslam.  I’m guessing this will be at Mania somehow as all four faces stand mostly tall.

Cena’s interview is up next.

Back and we recap Miz destroying Cena to end last week and the last few weeks’ worth of shows.

Cena says that he’s injured and it’s because of Miz. Miz is impressive and deserves to be champion. This is serious Cena here and it’s rather short with one major thing being said: Rock and Cena in the same ring next week. They had to do it sooner or later, but I would have waited until Wrestlemania. Give the fans something very important to see.

Cole’s announcement is up next.

Back with Cole and Swagger running around the ring.  Swagger goes out in front of the announce table (which has been repaired after HHH broke it) and Cole talks about last week with Brian being here, which we get a clip of.  Apparently Brian Christopher sent Cole a gift: the Lawler Family Photo Album.

We get some pictures of Lawler’s father with Cole saying what Lawler’s father is thinking.  Naturally they’re all insults.  Cole says he went to Memphis this week and found out that Lawler and Lawler’s father are very similar: they’re both bullies that back down when someone puts them in their place, like Cole is going to do at Mania.  Lawler has Swagger two feet in front of him which is why he hasn’t charged the ring yet.

Cole calls the Lawler family a bunch of losers and Lawler snaps.  He beats up Swagger a bit and goes after Cole but Swagger gets up and beats him down.  Cole hides in the box and Swagger shoves Lawler’s face into the box while Swagger keeps insulting him.  Ankle lock goes on as does the AnCole Lock (and no I’m not making that name up) which Lawler taps to.  Mad heat on Cole and Swagger as we go to a break.  The build for this has been awesome to say the least.

Mania hype video which is pretty good.  Hard to believe it’s only 13 days away.

Cole apologizes for no apparent reason at all.

That transitions us to talking about…..Snooki.  DAng it.  It’s a recap plus all the media talking about this match and trying to use wrestling lingo while sounding like imbeciles.

Dolph Ziggler vs. John Morrison

 

Laycool and Vickie are with Dolph and Trish is with Morrison.  Ziggler takes him down to start but Morrison goes all angry.  That gets him caught in a neckbreaker for two to take him down.  Morrison gets going and hits a dropkick.  Michelle stops him from diving over the top and Trish fights off Laycool.  Trish winds up in the ring and it’s E-Mail time.  It’s now a 4-2 handicap match with Laycool/Vickie/Ziggler vs. Trish/Morrison which starts after the break.

Dolph Ziggler/Laycool/Vickie Guerrero vs. Trish Stratus/John Morrison

 

Back with the guys going at it.  Off to Trish and Layla who both look great.  Michelle kicks Trish in the back to shift the momentum and bring in the tall blonde.  I think she got tagged twice but whatever.  Knee to Trish’s head as Trish’s pants seem to be falling a bit.  Back off to Layla as Trish plays Ricky Morton for awhile.  Off to Vickie who misses a drop and it’s off to the men again.  The girls fight elsewhere while Morrison misses Starship Pain.  He gets sent into the post and Ziggler adds a Zig Zag.  Vickie gets the pin at 4:00 shown.

Rating: C. With the girls looking that good out there it’s really hard to say this wasn’t good.  They’re trying to build up Snooki as the X factor here which is what she probably should do at the end of the day.  Nothing too bad here but nothing great, so average sounds like a good grade for it.  The ending was fine and no, Morrison isn’t being buried.

Sin Cara video.  I was a bit underwhelmed the first time I saw this but the more I see it the more I want to see him.

Various stars and legends talk about HHH vs. Undertaker.  The weakest name in there is probably Morrison so they’re having a lot of big names in there.  Guys like Race, Ross, Lawler, Cena, Arn Anderson and Austin talk about it.  Shawn says nothing lasts forever.  Arn says it’s like winning 18 Super Bowls in a row.  Not really but we’ll go with that.

Rey Mysterio vs. Randy Orton

 

Mysterio’s entrance is after the break.  Back and we see the Orton bus clip from earlier but the audio is messed up.  Rey is in the black and yellow for the Steelers color scheme.  He takes Orton down to his knees but the equally tall from there Orton gets a European uppercut to take Rey down.  Orton does an evil look and throws Rey to the floor.

Back in and Orton’s knee drop gets two.  Rey fights back and gets the seated senton for two.  Orton might have had a chance to block it if he hadn’t been falling down before the move hit.  Orton tries the elevated DDT but Rey counters with something like a slingshot through Orton’s legs which is one of the only counters that I’ve ever seen that was somewhat realistic.  Orton blocks the 619 and hits the DDT.

Orton preps for the RKO but Punk pops up on the screen.  He’s in front of the tour bus from earlier and says he can’t wait to meet Orton’s wife.  Orton sprints to the back (we’ll say the match ended there, meaning it ended at 3:45) and gets jumped by Punk who hits Randy in the knee with a wrench.  Punk says Orton won’t be punting anyone at Mania.  “Now ain’t that a kick in the head.”

HHH and Undertaker will be face to face next week.

Rock will be live next week.

Alex Riley is in the ring which has a red carpet now.  Apparently he’s been rehired (presumably by Miz) as Vice President of Corporate Communications.  He introduces Miz who apparently was the best man at Riley’s wedding.  Miz talks about how people used to come from miles around to see Muhammad Ali and Michael Jordan perform and now people come to see Miz.

It’s his time now and while there have been Rock imitators over the years, his impression was the best.  He has more charisma than Shawn Michaels, is more dominant than Andre the Giant and is more intelligent than Rock and Cena combined.  He says that tonight he rewrites “Miztory” and he takes the mic cube off.  He holds it up and turns it upside down, making an M.

Behind him is a table with a sheet over it.  He and Riley pull it off to reveal the WWE Title with the W flipped upside down to make an M.  That’s the new title design apparently.  He hits the catchphrase and Cena pops up on the screen.  He points out that that’s kind of lame, which it is.  Cena says that the WWE Universe knows he’s not invincible and that they also know you shouldn’t make him mad.

Cena has a surprise for them.  Some people in Pittsburgh Penguins shirts pop up and take apart his walls, revealing that he’s really in the arena.  He didn’t lie when he said he was at home, because his home is here with the fans, just like he’s been for 9 years.  Points for being creative there at least.  Miz and Riley beat him down for awhile but Cena fights back.  Miz runs and Riley gets caught in the STF a few times.  Miz comes back but doesn’t come to the ring.  Cena’s music plays us out.

Overall Rating: D+. Yes this was a show based on building for the PPV but it was still pretty boring.  There was an extreme lack of wrestling which is understandable but it doesn’t make it any more interesting.  Not a horrible show but not a good one to say the least.  Rock is going to help next week but I can’t imagine it being anything great.

Results

Sheamus b. Evan Bourne – Brogue Kick

Eve Torres b. Maryse – Spinning Neckbreaker

Justin Gabriel/Heath Slater b. Santino Marella/Vladimir Kozlov – 450 to Kozlov

John Morrison vs. Dolph Ziggler went to a no contest when Laycool and Trish Stratus interfered

Dolph Ziggler/Vickie Guerrero/Laycool b. John Morrison/Trish Stratus – Guerrero pinned Morrison after a Zig Zag from Ziggler

Randy Orton vs. Rey Mysterio went to a no contest when Orton left the ring

Smackdown
Date: March 18, 2011
Location: Sprint Center, Kansas City, Missouri
Commentators: Michael Cole, Josh Matthews, Booker T

Tonight we have another Edge and Christian reunion, but this time they get a shot at the Corre and the tag titles.  I really hope they don’t go with the switch here as it means the Corre gets them back in a screwy finish later, making them 4 time tag champions.  This is what people talk about when they say the titles have been devalued over the years.  Other than that there isn’t much to talk about.  Let’s get to it.

I don’t know my enemy this week.  I think TNA’s enemy is wrestling though after having less than nine and a half minutes of it on their show last night.

Wait now Big Show and Kane get the title shot?  They completely changed that from Monday.  I’m sure they said Edge and Christian got the shot.  Well at least they told us early.  That….helps kind of I guess.

Cole has his box made and here he comes to Burn It To The Ground.

Edge vs. Brodus Clay

 

Big pop for Edge but the pyro doesn’t go off for some reason.  Del Rio and Ricardo are with Clay here.  Edge has to stick and move here but he jumps into the T-Bone overhead suplex to shift the momentum.  Brodus works the arm and even adds an old school Heart Punch.  Tornado DDT by Edge doesn’t work and a clothesline takes him down.  The splash misses but Edge can’t get the Edgecution

A top rope cross body puts Brodus down and tries a sunset flip.  Clay uses the old school counter of just sits down on him.  I’ve always loved that counter and it gets two here.  The Umaga hips to the head in the corner misses and here comes the spear.  Ricardo distracts the referee and Del Rio grabs Edge’s foot so that Brodus can run him over for two.  The crowd is into this.  Christian comes out to even the odds and the distraction is enough for Edge to hit the spear on Clay for the pin at 5:08.

Rating: C+. This is what we need more of on Fridays.  It wasn’t anything great but little five minute matches like these are long enough to get into but not long enough to get bored with.  Edge looks good, Clay gets to show off a bit, and the storyline keeps going.  What more can you ask for in just over five minutes?

Del Rio and Christian brawl post match until referees break it up.  Teddy comes out to make the obvious main event, but it’s in a steel cage.  That’s much better than the tin foil cage I guess.

Sheamus vs. Kofi Kingston

 

You mean Kofi has another meaningless match with no particular reason to it happening?  I’m STUNNED.  Sheamus grabs the arm to start as Booker questions Kofi’s decision to take this match.  Cole gets on Booker for it as Kofi gets his jumping punches in the corner.  That results in him taking a hot shot into the corner for two.  Neckbreaker gets the same.  Sheamus hits a running elbow and tries another neckbreaker which is reversed into a rollup for two.

Sheamus rolls through the top rope cross body but his powerslam attempt is reversed into some strikes by Kofi.  Then African/Jamaican hits the Irishman with a Russian leg sweep for two.  Boom Drop takes too long and Sheamus I think pokes him in the eye to take over.  SOS gets two and it looked like Sheamus got his head rocked a bit on that.

Out to the floor we go with Kofi being all fired up.  Kofi comes after him so Sheamus kicks the steps into knee of Kofi to send him down again.  Back inside and the Brogue Kick ends this clean at 5:15.  When is the last time Kofi actually won a match?  I actually can’t remember at all.

Rating: B-. Another solid match here that gives us some wrestling to fill out the show.  You have two upper midcard guys going at it and you get a decent TV match out of it.  I’ve long since thought the key to having a solid show at times is just to go out and wrestle.  If you’re having issues, do that and it’ll get fixed.  Smackdown has been lacking a bit lately but the first half hour or so have my attention so far.

We recap Kane/Show vs. Corre which is freaking dull.  Show and Kane want to put their differences aside.  Show reminds Kane of how they dominated as tag champions and says they should do it again.  Kane grabs him by the throat and Show does the same to Kane.  They both laugh and Kane says Show completes him.  At least there aren’t any cheerleaders to take them down this time.

Trent Barreta vs. Cody Rhodes

 

New music for Cody this week.  He also has a towel over his head tonight.  Cole talks about having breakfast with Cody this morning and Cody being treated badly because of his looks now.  Rhodes is in street clothes again and we’re in a squash people.  Cody gets a headbutt with the mask and Trent is in trouble.  Another headbutt and we’re done in 48 seconds.

We get a clip of Christian being injured by Del Rio.

Shawn talks about Undertaker to waste a few minutes.  Same video from Raw.

Layla vs. Kelly Kelly

 

Well at least we get to see Kelly in those shorts.  Michelle is on commentary and makes fun of Snooki for doing nothing.  I guess we’re continuing with the Paris Hilton stuff.  Kelly gets the headscissors over the ropes and a Thesz Press to hammer away.  Why do so many people use that anymore?  Handspring elbow runs into two feet in the corner to give Layla control.  Kelly gets on the middle rope and Michelle yells at her.  The distraction is enough for Layla to pull her off the rope and pin her at 2:10.

Tag Titles: Big Show/Kane vs. Heath Slater/Justin Gabriel

 

Gabriel and Kane start us off and guess how that goes for the champion to start here.  Off to Slater who runs in and gets knocked down with one punch.  Side slam gets two.  Slater gets a dropkick to the knee and it’s off to Gabriel again.  Ok make that Slater as the champion are tagging in and out very quickly.  Gabriel jumps  into an uppercut and down he goes.  Off to Show and the beating continues.  Chokeslam to Slater but Gabriel pulls the referee out for the DQ at 2:43.  Is anyone really surprised here?

Jackson and Barrett come in to stop a worse beating post match.  Barrett actually hits Wasteland on Show.  They beat down Kane also.  The steps are put on Kane and the other steps are dropped onto the steps onto Kane.  The table is taken apart a bit and is dropped on Show.  The big guys are left laying here.  Cole tries to play this off as big and epic but it wasn’t for the most part.

Del Rio says everyone is trying to interfere with his destiny.  He’s not an animal.

Jack Swagger vs. Chris Masters

 

No entrance for Masters so what do you expect here?  We get clips from Raw with Ross and Lawler getting beaten down.  The hold Swagger taught Cole is the An-Cole Lock.  I give up.  Swagger works on the arm but takes a Samoan Drop.  Full Nelson is blocked by ramming Chris into the corner.  Ankle lock is reversed also and Swagger hits the floor.  He pulls Masters down though and wraps the leg around the post.  Ankle lock ends it at 1:56.

Post match Cole comes in and puts the ankle lock on Masters also.  Cole shouts COME ON LAWLER and does Swagger’s run around the ring.

WWE Rewind is the Dusty/Cody/Rey segment from three weeks ago.

Rey Mysterio vs. Ted DiBiase

 

Maryse is called Ted’s on again/off again girlfriend.  That would hint towards her face actions on NXT which is good I think.  Shame she’s not in camouflage though.  Rey tries his speed stuff so DiBiase hammers away on him.  Rey tries coming off the middle rope but jumps into a dropkick for two.  The following clothesline gets two.  Off to the chinlock now as Rey hasn’t been on offense at all here.

A couple knees to the back have Rey in trouble again.  Rey tries a headscissors and spins into what I think was a DDT.  Some ranas by Rey with the second one being countered into a reverse powerbomb.  That’s a great finisher for someone to use.  Dream Street is countered into the 619 position.  That and the top rope splash ends it at 3:35.

Rating: C-. Just a TV match here but nothing very interesting.  DiBiase is flat out boring and there was no threat at all to Rey here.  Granted I don’t think there was supposed to be so I guess that was the point.  Pretty bland match here that doesn’t really tell us anything we didn’t already know.

Maryse leaves without DiBiase.

We get a clip of the Edge/Christian/Alberto stuff from Elimination Chamber.

We see the Snooki stuff from Raw.  I can’t stand that show and people like her (meaning people that have no talent yet are millionaires for being loud or getting drunk).

We run down the Mania card.  I can’t believe it but there’s no long video from Raw.

The cage is lowered.

Alberto Del Rio vs. Christian

 

Lot of time for this too.  No word on how you can win here so I’d assume pin, submission and escape.  Christian is all ticked off here.  Josh confirms that you can win through those three ways.  Killswitch is blocked early on.  The announcers are really playing up this being the first cage match for Alberto.  He tries to get out but Christian stops him and they fight on the top rope for a bit.  German off the top doesn’t work for Alberto but the visual was awesome.

Christian tries to get out but Del Rio hits a vertical suplex from the top of the cage.  Not quite Hogan/Boss Man but not bad.  With both guys down we take a break.  Back with Del Rio hammering away and sending a charging Christian into the cage.  Alberto gets two and we hit the chinlock.  After slamming Christian’s head into the mat, Del Rio goes up.

Christian grabs the leg and Alberto hits the top rope throat first.  He blocks being rammed into the cage and a reverse DDT gets two.  Del Rio is sent into the cage for two.  Christian goes up and gets knocked back down.  The running enziguri in the corner takes Christian down for two and Alberto tries to leave.  His torso gets out but Christian makes a diving save.

Del Rio sets up the cross armbreaker but it’s reversed into the Killswitch for two.  I would have bet on that being the finish.  Christian goes up again and one more time Del Rio kicks him down.  Christian is hung over the ropes so Alberto uses him as a stepping stone tos tart his climb.  That was rather awesome.

Why is it that every time someone gets to the top they become as slow as a slow Christmas?  Anyway it happens here to Alberto and Christian catches him.  They sit on the top of the cage and slug it out with Christian getting his head slammed into the cage.  Christian climbs down over Del Rio and Alberto kicks at him, knocking him down and giving Christian the win at 9:35 shown of 13:05.  Good ending.

Rating: B. Good stuff here with the false finish and the ending making this work rather well.  The problem with cage matches tends to be that the endings are basic, which is why shifting this one to something different helps a lot.  I liked this match and it got better as it went.  Good stuff.

Post match Alberto beats down Christian and says he’s going to be to Christian what he’s going to do to Edge at Wrestlemania.  He’s interrupted by a horn honking and Edge is in the car.  Edge talks about how nice it is and how much of a shame it would be if something were to happen to it.  He pulls a chair out of the passenger seat but Brodus pops up to drill Edge.  The double beatdown ensues and it’s a Conchairto to the arm.  Edge is in a lot of pain as we go off the air.

Overall Rating: A. Now THIS is how you do it!  In a two hour show we got 8 matches with about 30 minutes of action overall.  That’s the difference between having a lot of wrestling and pacing what you have.  This didn’t have a ton of wrestling, but they paced it out to make it seem like they did.  Instead of one match in an hour and fifteen minutes and then 3 matches in 45 minutes, there was a steady stream of them all night and it’s a MUCH more entertaining show.  Far better here than in previous weeks and a great show overall.  I’m well pleased.

Results

Edge b. Brodus Clay – Spear

Sheamus b. Kofi Kingston – Brogue Kick

Cody Rhodes b. Trent Barreta – Headbutt

Layla b. Kelly Kelly – Pin after pulling Kelly off the middle rope

Big Show/Kane b. Justin Gabriel/Heath Slater via DQ when Gabriel pulled the referee out

Jack Swagger b. Chris Masters – Ankle Lock

Rey Mysterio b. Ted DiBiase – Top rope splash

Christian b. Alberto Del Rio – Christian escaped the cage

Wrestlemania 11
Date: April 2, 1995
Location: Hartford Civic Center, Hartford, Connecticut
Attendance: 16,305
Commentators: Vince McMahon, Jerry Lawler
America the Beautiful: Kathy Huey

Oh goodness, we did have to get to this eventually didn’t we? If you remember my review of WM 9 being the worst WM ever, I should have said it would be the worst for the next two years. This show is one of the most interesting in wrestling history from a reaction standpoint. From the fans’ perspective, this show is what’s played on a constant loop in the seventh circle of purgatory, minus the WWF Title match.

The number one issue I have right off the bat with this is that it’s from Hartford, Connecticut. Seriously, HARTFORD??? Wrestlemania has broadcast from New York, LA, Chicago, Toronto, Las Vegas, and now HARTFORD? It just doesn’t sound right. Another factor here is that there’s a whopping total of 7 matches. What’s the main event you ask?

Would it be Shawn Michaels getting his first WWF Title match since becoming a main eventer against his former bodyguard Diesel? Nope. We get Bam Bam Bigelow who was wrestling a clown last year against Lawrence Taylor, a former football player and current contestant on Dancing With The Stars. The sad thing is, I’m not making this up. The weird thing though is, this show allegedly brought the WWF back into the war with WCW.

The ratings were decent and it got the company the main stream exposure it’s looking for. Think of it like the modern day TNA: the hardcore wrestling fans like us mostly hate it, but the common fans eat it up. Go figure. Anyway, let’s get on with this so I can look for a hammer to apply to my head.

The opening video is about various Manias through the years which tends to be a theme in these opening videos.

Your celebrities this year are Pamela Anderson (actual celebrity), Jonathan Taylor Thomas (Randy on Home Improvement. Another child star that did nothing.), Jenny McCarthy (Mini-celebrity now, she was at the last SNME so points for that I guess), some guy from NYPD Blue, and Salt N Peppa, who hit on Bret Hart which just looks ridiculous. A special Olympian sings America the Beautiful, and it’s time for our first match.

Ok not quite yet as we get a very interesting chat from Vince and Jerry about what Wrestlemania is.  You don’t get to hear that much from Vince.  It’s short and sweet but it got the point across just fine.  NOW on to the match.

Lex Luger/British Bulldog vs. The Blu Brothers

No that’s not a typo, it’s spelled Blu. These guys have the gimmick of being two incredibly hick brothers from the mountains. You know them better as D.O.A., the Harris Brothers, or those two big white bald guys that are in every promotion on the planet. My goodness how far has Lex fallen in a year? He’s going after the WWF Title and next year is curtain jerking in a tag match?

The twins are named Jacob and Eli in case you were so bored you were actually wondering. Lex and Davey go by the name the Allied Powers. That delayed vertical suplex by Davey never gets old. It’s nothing short of amazing. Definitely like the fact that Bulldog’s tights are about 3 sizes too small.  Oh yeah we have a match to get to.

For some reason the Brothers come down second.  The Brothers try to jump them which winds up in a pair of powerslams for them.  Note that this is just a powerslam and not The Powerslam by Bulldog so it’s just a normal match.  Bulldog is in trouble early on as the power of evil double teaming has him hurting.

A double big boot puts Bulldog down as Luger is just worthless on the apron here.  The fans aren’t incredibly impressed.  Jerry says that Bulldog has only lost once at Mania which isn’t true as he lost at both #3 and #4.  Luger comes in and the fans pop just slightly.  I guess the jump back to WCW was the right move indeed.  Another powerslam gets no cover.

The loaded forearm gets two as the other twin makes the save.  Uncle Zebekiah gets drilled and it’s Twin Magic time.  One twin goes for a powerbomb/Piledriver but Luger makes a blind tag, allowing the Bulldog to hit a top rope sunset flip for the pin, prompting a fireworks display to go off.

Rating: D. Not bad, but just there. It’s nothing special at all and I’m not sure how many people really cared.  The crowd was about as dead as I’ve ever heard for a Mania opener, and that’s including The Executioner vs. Santana back in 85.  Wow I feel old for writing that.  Anyway this was pretty bad and could have been on any Superstars show back in the day.

Jim Ross talks to the Uncle who says this is what they deserved for being in the big city.  They pinned the wrong guy and that’s not the last you’ll see of the twins.

The NYPD Blue guy is with the Million Dollar Team (DiBiase’s stable of mostly jobbers) when he’s supposed to be in the dressing room of Pam Anderson but the mic doesn’t work. As an aside, during the show Lawler accidentally knocked some cords loose and he and Vince had to redo the entire commentary on the show from watching video. Due to that, the commentary you’ll hear on these matches isn’t live at all.

Lawler describes football as a game where eleven men spend hours trying to move a small object 100 yards, which is just like the post office.  What that has to do with this is beyond me but it sounded good at the time.  Oh it’s about the NFL guys here for the main event.

Intercontinental Title: Jeff Jarrett vs. Razor Ramon

No real story here other than they’re feuding for no apparent reason. Jarrett is in his country music gimmick here and even the Fink sounds bored out of his mind here. Jarrett won the title at the Rumble thanks to the Roadie (Road Dogg in case you didn’t know that) interfering. 1-2-3 Kid and Ramon are in the back and say that Ramon is ready.

Razor was so over back then it’s insane. Vince makes a weird comment saying that Ramon knows where he is at all times. Not sure why that’s a compliment. Don’t most people know where they’re located? It’s either a Vince line or a rib that 3 people get.  Razor is all over Jarrett to start this off.  Jarrett hits the floor and Razor gets to shoot off his pyro.  He gets about three covers in the first 2 minutes, all off punches.

Double J may have hurt his tooth.  Rollup gets two for Razor.  Roadie saves Jarrett from the Razor’s Edge and Jarrett tries to leave but the Kid is waiting in the aisle to stop that. Five minutes in and JJ’s biggest move has been a hard Irish whip. You know for all of his detractors, Jarrett can wrestle quite well. I’ve always wondered why he didn’t get the recognition as a star that he deserved.

Jarrett tries to get on offense but can’t get anything long term going at all.  He gets thrown to the floor again as the crowd dies all over again.  Jeff gets some dropkicks in and here comes the guy from Tennessee.  We hit the chinlock and the fans get going a bit.  At least it’s a fast one as Razor gets a backslide for two.  Sleeper goes on Razor and again it lasts just a few seconds.  Oh hey here’s another chinlock to keep us interested.

This match just isn’t flowing. It’s like they’re working move to move and it’s showing badly. In a really stupid looking sequence, they both hit the ropes and hit head to head. Then they get up and hit the ropes again and both punch each other. It’s more or less the same spot twice in a row. Just looked stupid. This referee is counting ridiculously fast too.

Fallaway slam gets two.  Discus punch gets Jeff down.  Can Razor do anything else besides punch and go for the Edge?  Razor hurts his knee going for a top rope bulldog, which is the same knee that was hurt THREE MONTHS AGO at the Rumble. Of course it’s still sore. Why wouldn’t it be?

Figure four by Jarrett as the Roadie pulls on Jarrett’s arms for more leverage. I’ve always wondered about that. How does it make it hurt more? I love how Razor’s knee is hurt badly, yet he can pick a 230lb man up, sit him on the top rope and belly to back suplex him from it without his knee giving out.

He gets him up for the Razor’s Edge but Roadie chop blocks him for the DQ. Post match, all four men brawl. JR asks Jarrett about his cheating and Jarrett says he’ll always be the IC Champion. If by always he means until he jumps to WCW and then back to the WWF, loses to Chyna after being hit by a fish and then is banned from the company because Austin hated him, they yes he’ll always be champion.

Rating: D+. This was WAY too many punches and rest holds. These two have had far better matches before, such as at the Rumble. Razor probably had 90% of his offense from throwing punches.  Jarrett wasn’t anywhere nearly as serious as he should have been at this point and that change wouldn’t come for many years.  Definitely a weak match from them.

Since there was no audio earlier, let’s redo the exact movements from the interview earlier on. Pamela Anderson is nowhere to be found. Shawn and Sid say that Diesel is afraid.

Todd Pettingil gets in a 3 point stance with a football player and that’s all there is to this pointless bit.

The Undertaker vs. King Kong Bundy

This is the result of a mini feud with DiBiase and Kama over the Urn being stolen for about the 12^th time.  A baseball umpire is refereeing the match for no apparent reason.  Bundy charges straight at him to start but that gets him nowhere.  Old School can’t take him down.  A bunch of clotheslines finally put the bald man down.

Bundy knocks him to the floor and Taker gets the Urn back.  Now of course Bundy is in big trouble as Taker is all ticked off.  Here’s Kama (Godfather) to steal it back again.  This is going as fast as I’m typing it so it’s not like I’m skipping over a ton of stuff.  Taker grabs Kama’s face but Bundy makes the save and Kama escapes.

Ross grabs an interview with Kama who says he’s going to melt it down and make a chain out of it and put it around his neck, which he wound up doing.  Bundy chokes away in the corner, showing off his vast array of offensive talents.  This referee is rather bad at counting.  Bearer plays cheerleader to try to get Taker out of a chinlock.  Avalanche hits in the corner but Taker is no Special Delivery Jones so it has no effect.  A slam and the jumping clothesline of all things end this.

Rating: F+. Oh man this was bad.  Taker was completely lacking direction at this point and it was painfully obvious that they had no clue what to do with him.  He would feud with Kama for a bit before feuding with King Mabel for a bit until FINALLY Mankind debuted to give Taker something to do long term.  Terrible match.

Oh look, the NYPD Blue guy still can’t find Pamela Anderson.  Steve McMichael says he’ll take down Kama.  The rest of the All-Pro Team says they’ll take care of the Million Dollar Team.  The NYPD Blue guy does find Jonathan Taylor Thomas beating Bob Backlund at chess though.  I never thought I’d have to type that.  Backlund’s rant about the world being screwed up is hilarious.

Tag Titles: Smoking Gunns vs. Owen Hart/???

Owen has a mystery partner here. The Smoking Gunns are a great example of the failure of tag wrestling during this time period. They were definitely talented, but absolutely no one cared about them. They’re practically forgotten but were one of the most successful tag teams from this time frame.

As you probably know, the partner is Yokozuna.  Oddly enough the partner comes out before the Guns, the champions, do.  This is of course about Bret somehow because Owen is completely obsessed with Bret.  Yoko weighs a few tons by this point and is straight up waddling to the ring.  The Gunns say they don’t care who the partner is.  Billy with a mullet and a mustache is freaky looking.

More fireworks for the champions here.  What’s with that tonight for the tag teams?  Owen and Billy start us off.  That’s the most talented combination out there I guess.  Apparently Owen and Neidhart were eliminated from the tag tournament to determine the #1 contenders so this is a result of that.  The Gunns work on the arm of Owen to start which lasts only a few seconds as it’s off to Yoko.

The leg drop misses and Yoko takes over again.  And never mind as it’s back to Owen again.  Cornette is yelling at the fans which is one of the more entertaining parts of the show.  Double Russian legsweep to the Canadian by the American cowboys.  Yoko gets sent to the floor as we’re in the Colossal Connection formula here: Owen does the vast majority of the work while Yoko is brought in as the heavy hitter.

Apparently Men on a Mission have turned heel on the Gunns.  Riveting indeed and unfortunately it set up King Mabel.  The Gunns hit a modified Sidewinder (side slam/legdrop combination) for two on Owen.  Yoko comes in and gets the legdrop on the back of Billy’s head to more or less kill him.  I’m surprised Yoko has been in the ring this long.

LONG nerve hold by Yoko on Billy to waste a lot of time.  Yoko misses a legdrop and Bart comes in.  Everything breaks down and Billy gets killed by a belly to belly from the fat man.  Banzai Drop ends Billy and Owen gets the pin for the title, which might be his first in the company if that’s possible.

Rating: D+. Eh just a tag match here.  The Gunns were boring beyond belief and Yoko was so fat that he could barely move at all.  This was simply to have a title switch on the show much like the first show in the series.  Boring match and somehow the best one so far I think if that’s possible.

Bigelow says he’ll destroy Lawrence Taylor.  There was a Mania Work Out and they had a skirmish there too.  This feud never really got going for me but the media actually paid attention so there’s that I guess.  This interview takes forever and nothing special is said at all.

Bret Hart vs. Bob Backlund

This is an I Quit match with Roddy Piper as referee for no apparent reason.  Vince says Roddy knows something about submission.  What in the world would that be anyway?  This was their second submission match technically as the other was a throw in the towel match that had to end in submission if I remember right.  Piper would be Commissioner by the next Mania.

Backlund is more or less crazy here which was rather impressive given how completely different he used to be back in his glory days.  I’m still mad about not getting Bret’s glasses when I was a kid.  The annoying kid next to me got them.  I did however get a Slaughter helmet.  Bret gets a headbutt to start and the fight is on.  Sharpshooter can’t go on early.

Vince doesn’t remember Piper losing to Bret at Mania 8.  Some fan he is.  Bret goes for the Sharpshooter again and can’t get it.  You couldn’t tell that from Vince as he keeps changing his reaction every five seconds.  “Yes!  No.  Yes!  No.”  Is he the Zodiac or something?  Figure Four goes on but Backlund reverses it.  Neither guy says they quit as we get a quick check-in with the German commentators for no apparent reason.

Bret works the knee again as this is rather boring.  Piper needs to quit asking them if they quit so often.  Backlund works on the arm as I try to find a good novel to read so I don’t have to watch this for awhile.  Backlund hooks a Fujiwara armbar and Bret says No to Piper.  That was a shocking line then apparently which is amusing given that in an I Quit match in 99 with HHH vs. Rock, HHH said Suck It when he was asked if he quit.

Backlund likes that armbar.  Jerry talks about breaking into a pyramid (what the heck?) and seeing a picture of Stu Hart with a headlock on King Tut (where does he get these jokes from?).  Sharpshooter almost goes on but Backlund gets to the ropes before it gets cinched in.  Bret charges again and his shoulder hits the post to put him in real trouble.

There’s the Crossface Chickenwing and Bret is in trouble.  And never mind as he casually reverses and gets a horrible version of it on Backlund for the submission.  You know, from all that devastating work that he did on Backlund’s arm the whole time.  This was an awful match if you didn’t get it.

Rating: F+. This was really bad. Backlund was just flat out too old to be a serious main event threat by this point and while Bret was sharp as ever, Bob just didn’t have it in him anymore. Bret has called it the worst match of his career and he might be right. Backlund’s I saw the Light thing led to an angle where he would run for President of all things. As you can guess, it went nowhere.  Also, having a Bret match lack any and all psychology is very weird indeed.

Backlund is leaving and says he saw the light.  This would mean he became a Presidential candidate.

Ok, the NYPD guy was annoying at first. Now he’s just making me mad. NO ONE CARES.  They’re changing the celebrities around.

More audio issues as Todd tries to talk to Diesel. He finally says that he’s going to keep the title. He slips up when he’s trying to say if he’s going to regain or retain the title and finally screams HOLD ONTO IT. This was back when Nash was actually really good and got the reputation he’s lived off for years now.

Celebrities are introduced as Jerry Lawler reveals he accidentally unplugged some cords.

WWF Title: Shawn Michaels vs. Diesel

The deal was supposed to be McCarthy came out with Diesel and Anderson, who was viewed as ten times hotter and more important than McCarthy (nonsense) would come out with the Rumble winner, Shawn. For obvious reasons, this got reversed. The NYPD Blue guy is the ring announcer and he’s miles better at this than he is as an interviewer. He shouts almost everything he says and for the sake of this, it works really well.

The story here is Diesel was Shawn’s bodyguard but realized he was awesome on his own so he turned face and won the WWF Title. Sid replaced him as the bodyguard and the exact same thing would happen in about a year. Shawn has finally morphed into the character that would make him a legend by this point.  As weird as this sounds, Diesel is a freaking beast at this point. Sweet intro, the music was cool, he has Pamela Anderson, just the complete look. What in the world happened to that?    Anderson simply couldn’t want to be here less if her life depended on it.

Shawn hammers away to start as we’re already into the power vs. speed area.  Diesel had been champion since a few days after Survivor Series so he had almost 7 more months with the title here.  Diesel sends Shawn to the floor as we look at the ladies.  Sid distracts the referee but Shawn can’t get in a shot on Diesel.  Suplex puts Shawn down.

Back to the floor again as Sid and Diesel stare each other down one more time.  Diesel counters a sunset flip as this is more or less one sided so far.  Nash gets sent to the floor but Shawn Skins the Cat and dives down to crush Diesel.  Baseball slide has the champion in trouble.  We look at Anderson again and sweet goodness does she want to be anywhere else but here.

The fans loudly chant for Sid, thus proving that this entire match is booked wrong.  Shawn hits a splash off the apron to the floor as Diesel is in trouble.  Back in the ring Shawn stomps away and hits a bulldog for two.  I’ve never liked that move at all.  Reverse cross body off the middle rope gets two again.  Shawn works on the arm and gets a LET’S GO SHAWN chant in his honor.

Ok make that he’s working on Diesel’s ribs.  A top rope elbow to the back gets two in what is for some reason a highlight reel clip for Shawn.  Never really have gotten why but it certainly is.  Off to the chinlock now as the fans still like Shawn better.  Diesel fights back and gets Snake Eyes to get some momentum going.  Flair Flip in the corner and Shawn hits the floor again.

Nash follows and it’s time to see Shawn’s tights pulled down as is the tradition for big matches he’s in for no apparent reason.  They slug it out on the floor and the referee twists his ankle getting down.  I guess it wasn’t an Attitude Era thing.  Back in the ring Shawn gets Sweet Chin Music but there’s no referee which would be a factor in Shawn’s reasoning as to why he lost.

It gets two and the fans boo loudly on the kickout.  Sid goes to an old school heel move and rips off the turnbuckle pad.  Diesel gets a suplex to avoid being rammed into it and both guys are down.  Shawn gets an arm over him for a long two as the fans aren’t seeming to care much here.

In a slick counter, Diesel catches a bulldog off the middle rope in a side slam.  Nice move.  Shawn circles Diesel but gets his legs tripped from under him.  Diesel goes old school with a slingshot into the exposed buckle.  If only that had actually been where he landed, as Shawn’s head hit the middle buckle instead of the top one.  Big boot and Jackknife end this anyway.

Rating: B. As you can tell, I really like this match. It’s not famous at all but it’s definitely solid all around. There was a story with the ribs, a controversy that would lead to rematches and a clean ending. The match also got enough time to put on something decent and it showed. Shawn was clearly coming into his own but still wanted to prove himself. Solid effort all around and a very good match.  These two had some of the most forgotten great matches of all time and this is one of them for sure.

Shawn and Sid complain to Ross and say it’s not over, which it wasn’t.  The celebrities celebrate with Diesel forever and Nash gets both chicks.

Shawn complains even more in the back.

Lawrence Taylor vs. Bam Bam Bigelow

If you have never seen a person die and you want to…actually if you want to I’d recommend psychiatric help. But anyway, right here you’re about to see a man’s career die right in front of your eyes.

Here it is. Let it be known throughout the universe and all the world, that the reason that WM 11 is called the worst WM of all time is this match and this angle right here. Here’s the idea: for those of you that don’t know, LT is one of the best football players of all time, bar none. He was at the Royal Rumble in the front row and Bigelow shoved him, leading to this.

Instead of the WWF Title being on the line in the main event of the biggest show of the year, we get a retired football player against a barely upper midcarder that was about 8 years past his prime. Do I even need to explain why this was a bad idea? Each man has a group of 5 supporters at ringside so it’s more or less a lumberjack match.  Their entrances take the greater part of forever.  Oh and Salt N Peppa sing LT to the ring.

Pat Patterson of all people is the referee.  There are so many jokes I could make about that I don’t know where to start.  This is by far and away the main event of the show which still makes my head shake.  I used to complain that Lawrence couldn’t wrestle but that was the point I think: he wasn’t supposed to be able to wrestle but rather be able to fight.

Diesel had been showing him some stuff apparently.  The bell hasn’t rung yet so we’re just hanging around and waiting to start.  Patterson wants a handshake but Lawrence slaps Bigelow instead and it’s on.  Taylor likes to throw forearms which makes sense as it’s a basic strike.  Taylor sends him to the floor with Bigelow doing the majority of the work to get himself over the top.

Bigelow misses a corner splash and Taylor gets a belly to back for two.  More forearms which keep working so naturally he keeps going with them.  Taylor gets in the face of the Million Dollar Team as we’re still waiting on the big brawl between the guys on the floor.  Lawrence gets caught on his way back in and now we get into the main part of the match.

They’re going very slow which is understandable here.  Falling headbutt misses Taylor but he can’t capitalize and Bigelow takes over again.  Boston Crab goes on which shifts into a sloppy half crab instead.  Ok now it’s shifted into more or less Bigelow pulling on Taylor’s leg.  This is a very different kind of match and not incredibly interesting.

The rope is finally grabbed and Taylor goes back to the forearms.  A suplex gets Taylor out of trouble for a bit and both guys are down.  Bigelow gets the advantage again and hits the Moonsault but hurts his knee, having to roll off.  He covers shortly thereafter and gets two to ZERO reaction.  I think the fans were confused or flat out didn’t care.  Either way it’s not a good sign.

LT gets a gutwrench suplex that is called a Jackknife for two.  Enziguri puts Taylor down again and this is really needing to end like now.  Top rope headbutt gets two and a tiny reaction.  Taylor makes his big comeback and hammers away with the forearms and now the crowd is getting into it.  In the big spot of the match, LT goes to the middle rope and hits a flying forearm to get the pin.  Taylor might have been hurt but he seems ok.  DiBiase rips into Bigelow post match, setting up his failure of a face turn.

Rating: D+. Well they tried.  I’ll give them that: they tried.  For the life of me I don’t get why this is what they closed the show with.  Well actually I do as it was certainly the biggest match, but it shouldn’t have been if that makes sense.  Taylor’s offense made sense as he kept at it with the forearms, but the match didn’t work for the most part.  Still though, not completely unwatchable but not incredibly good.

Overall Rating: F+. Yeah this show is still boring.  It feels more like an In Your House rather than what it should have been, which is the biggest show of the year.  Shawn vs. Diesel is good and that’s about it.  Everything else is completely forgettable to say the least and the main event is one of the biggest headscratchers of all time.

To give you an idea of how odd this show is, it runs less than two and a half hours.  Think about that.  Wrestlemania ran less than two and a half hours.  The show was shockingly well received though and it got a solid buyrate for the time.  It doesn’t hold up well at all and that’s what kills it.  95 simply wasn’t kind to PPV and this is probably the second worst show of the year, after Summerslam.  Bad show.

Wrestlemania 9
Date: April 4, 1993
Location: Caesar’s Palace, Las Vegas, Nevada
Attendance: 16,891
Commentators: Jim Ross, Bobby Heenan, Randy Savage

This is considered to be one of the weakest Wrestlemanias in history and I think that’s an accurate statement. Looking at the announced card, which was only eight matches long, I only see 2-3 that I would put on a Wrestlemania. Your main event for this evening is Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna, which is ok, but just doesn’t scream WM main event to me.

What amazes me the most about it though was this show was so packed they had to cancel one of the matches: Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Kamala. The theme of the show is the world’s largest toga (toga, toga, toga) party. Why does this scream BAD IDEA to me? Seriously, what’s the point behind this? It made the show seem stupid overall, but that’s just me. Anyway, let’s get started.

Our show opens with no National Anthem or America the Beautiful. What a crock already. After that, we see Gorilla Monsoon in a toga. God help me. He is our host for the evening, whatever that means. He welcomes us to the show, and throws it over to….Jim Ross? This was Ross’ debut and I vividly remember being stunned to see him in the WWF as he had been the commentator for WCW my entire life.

Ross runs down the double main event of Hogan and Beefcake vs. Money Inc. for the tag belts and the already mentioned WWF Title match. He throws it to Finkus Maximus, which is something even I couldn’t make up, who introduces Caesar and Cleopatra on an elephant, which Ross gives us a history lesson on. Macho Man is then introduced riding a sedan which is like a couch that’s carried as beautiful women feed him grapes.

Then in one of the funniest scenes in WWF history, Bobby Heenan comes in on a camel, but for some reason he’s riding it backwards. He gets to the broadcast position and is a mess, which is kind of funny. Finally, after almost 10 minutes of intros, it’s time for a match.

Intercontinental Title: Shawn Michaels vs. Tatanka

Michaels had dumped Sherri since last year but now is accompanied by Luna Vachon, who is proof that not all divas are hot. Tatanka is out next and he has never lost a one on one match. Sherri follows Tatanka out, yet it’s made clear she’s not with him. So they have stalkers now. Hey they match! Tatanka had pinned Shawn twice leading up to this match, once in a singles match and once in a 6 man.

Some of Savage’s comments to Heenan, such as shut up camel breath are just funny to me. There’s the first bell, eleven minutes into the show. The outside look is really cool here. They feel each other out at a rather fast pace to start. Top wristlock goes to Shawn and he follows it up with a headlock. Down to the mat with Shawn totally in control.

Tatanka gets a belly to back to escape and a SWEET counter of a top rope clothesline with an arm drag. Shawn to the floor and the girls have a staredown of awkward proportions. Back in and the stereotype works over Shawn’s arm which is apparently hurt coming into this one. Shawn hits a clothesline but it hurts him even further so it wasn’t worth it at all. Anytime Shawn gets something going he hurts his arm again, this time ramming it into the post.

Bobby: She (Luna) is something. Ross: Yeah what is she? Tatanka gets a shoulder breaker out of nowhere but drops an elbow instead of covering. Top rope chop but still no cover. He goes up again and jumps down into what we would call Sweet Chin Music. Today that would kill a guy and be on a highlight reel for years but here it’s just a momentum changer. Luna and Sherri do nothing of note again during a staredown.

Clothesline from the apron to the floor takes down Tatanka. Shawn yells at Sherri and gets a chinlock for awhile. Modified victory roll gets two as this is getting a lot of time. Another victory roll is countered into an electric chair drop to put both guys down again. Double axe by Shawn gets nothing as Tatanka stereotypes up.

Superkick is blocked and Tatanka gets a top rope cross body for a long two. Slingshot puts Shawn into the post and gets a very close two. Powerslam gets an even closer two. This is getting really good now and Tatanka is sent to the floor. Shawn shoves the referee and Tatanka gets the Papoose to Go for the CHEAP DQ! Dang it that was good stuff and got nearly 20 minutes.

Rating: B+. Very solid match that got the time it needed. If it had a real ending, this would be an automatic A. Tatanka was something interesting. He didn’t lose for his first two years which is an amazing streak, longer than even Goldberg’s. Shawn wasn’t quite up to the level of awesome he would reach but it was coming soon. He benefited a lot from the advent of Raw as it gave him a bigger way to get noticed and to put it mildly, it worked. Well that and Razor Ramon plus a ladder.

Luna beats up Sherri post match.

The Steiners say they’re going to beat the Headshrinkers.

Headshrinkers vs. Steiners

Pretty random tag match here but it works ok I guess. It’s your standard face team vs. heel team so that’s fine. We get the first use of JR’s code saying it’s going to be a slobberknocker, meaning it’s going to be awful from a wrestling standpoint. I was always a Headshrinkers mark for some reason, just always liked them.

Scott and Fatu start us off. Steiners control early on which is expected. Oh I forgot to mention: Fatu of the Headshrinkers is more commonly known as Rikishi. In a NICE looking move, Scott and Rick both go up the same corner and hits stereo clotheslines on the Headshrinkers. Nice one indeed. We get breaking news that Luna attacked Sherri again, and somehow, I’m more interested in the match at hand. What a stunner.

Afa rams his guys’ heads together to wake them up a bit. The referee is Bill Alfonso, who you might know as Fonzie from ECW. He was RVD’s overly hyper manager. Samu gets a splash in the corner and Rick just drills him with a clothesline. Afa blasts Scott with what would become known as a kendo stick. Savage gets upset, Heenan doesn’t see the Headshrinkers cheating which is one of his trademarks.

Heenan says he can’t see right with sunglasses on and JR says he saw it too. Heenan says JR is wrong because he’s from Oklahoma. JR’s reaction is priceless. Out to the floor for more pounding on White Thunder. Scott slams one of their heads into the mat and gets kicked in the jaw with a sweet kick for it.

Heenan says his head is like Prudential. Savage: I don’t know what that means. Bobby: It means the rock is hard. Savage: I didn’t ask you Heenan. The commentary for this match is light years ahead of the match itself. Samu gets a dropkick to show off a bit. Off to the nerve hold now, a Samoan trademark. Heenan says Oklahoma is a suburb of Kentucky, which offends JR for some reason.

Samu goes up but misses the big headbutt and there’s the tag to Rick and an eruption. He rams their heads together which is of course, STUPID. Dude learn your stereotypes. Headshrinkers hit a double team version of the move we call the Stroke, leading to one Headshrinker putting Rick on their shoulders for what we would call a Doomsday Device. In a freaking SWEET counter, Rick catches Fatu in the air from on top of Samu’s shoulders in a belly to belly suplex. Looked just absolutely sick.

Back to Scott who nearly kills Fatu with a belly to belly overhead. Scott suddenly remembers he’s better than Rikishi and hits a Frankensteiner, which might be the most impressive move that anyone has ever regularly done, to get the pin. It’s a standing hurricanrana by a guy of Scott Steiner’s size. Think about that.

Rating: B+. I liked this match a lot. Both teams are very solid and some of the stuff they did in this match was simply great. Top level stuff here which surprises me greatly. The Steiners are just scary good when they’re on their game and this is no exception. That powerslam/suplex spot by Rick is absolutely amazing.

Doink the Clown is a screwed up individual. He dresses up a Caesar statue in clown makeup and we get a recap of Doink vs. Crush. Doink also says Crush will be seeing double vision.

Crush vs. Doink the Clown

Crush had one of the best looks of anyone I’d seen from this era. He seriously could have been something special if he’d cared even a little bit at all. He was a decent wrestler with good size and power. I’ve never gotten why he didn’t pan out. Definitely a solid face challenger if nothing else. At about 6’6 and over 300lbs, he was quick and very strong. What’s not to like here?

Doink runs around the ring to start but gets caught by the big Hawaiian that I think Savage wants to make sweet love to down by the pond. Crush beats the holy goodness out of Doink for the majority of the match with basic power stuff. His finishing move was a head crushing move which was always kind of odd but it worked I guess.

The clown gets a guillotine clothesline and starts a comeback here, but it doesn’t mean much. In case I wasn’t clear here, Crush is the face in this match. A pretty weak looking Piledriver keeps Crush down for a bit and then he’s sent into the post. Doink jumps into a boot though and here comes the big man.

Doink tries to hide under the ring but gets caught. Back in the ring, Crush uses his head vice finisher on Doink but the ref got bumped. Another Doink comes out and hits Crush in the back with a cast then in the head. This leads to a pin for the real Doink. They check under the ring, where the other Doink came from and went to. They check and no Doink.

Rating: D. A Squash leading to a bad ending means not a good match. This feud went nowhere for the most part and I think it went on until at least the King of the Ring. Crush would soon start a big push which stalled like no other for some reason. Still though, this was really bad.

Todd Pettingil talks to some Japanese fans and after the WWF makes bad racial jokes, Razor Ramon is headed to the ring.

Razor Ramon vs. Bob Backlund

It’s total filler with no backstory but it’s Backlund in his first Mania match which is impressive since he’s in his early to mid 40s. Razor is the heel here but to put it mildly, he’s very popular. And yet Backlund would be the next guy to win the world title.

Backlund offers a handshake to start but Razor throws a toothpick instead. This is before he had gone insane if you didn’t get that. BIG Razor chant starts up and of course isn’t acknowledged. Backlund keeps tripping him up and does his stupid little dance. I never got the point of that at all but he always did it.

Razor stomps away after a slam. Bret Hart was knocked out cold by Luger at the Mania brunch today. This wasn’t ever addressed after this for some reason. Backlund gets a butterfly suplex which was kind of impressive. Atomic drop, his former finisher, gets no cover. In a great ending, Razor gets a small package out of nowhere to end it. Heenan gets in a great line: he beat the wrestler with a wrestling move.

Rating: C-. Not great but not awful, the ending gives this a decent grade. It’s not terrible and the ending surprised me. Razor had debuted just after Mania 8 and was pushed to the moon. He even got a title shot at the Rumble this year in a forgotten match. The breaking news during this match of Bret being knocked out earlier in the day leads to nothing. The last line of he beat the wrestler with wrestling was great.

In the back we see Gene with Money Inc. The feud they’re involved in at the moment began on a Monday Night Raw (The first Mania that can be said at as the show debuted about 3 months prior to this) when DiBiase tried to hit Beefcake with a briefcase.

Beefcake had been legitimately huge in a parasailing accident over a year ago and his face was badly injured. This led to a great Heenan line of, “It serves him right. His face has hurt me for years.” This attack led to Beefcake getting his friend Hulk Hogan to return to help him.

Also Jimmy Hart jumped from Money Inc to Hogan and Beefcake. Lastly, the night before the show, Hogan was injured, resulting in huge bruises around his eye. Now what really happened to him?

According to the storyline, DiBiase hired a bunch of people to attack him. The WWF said he was hurt in a jetski accident. The common theory in wrestling circles though is Savage thought Hogan and Liz (his real wife) were having an affair and beat the tar out of Hogan. Believe what you will.

Tag Titles: Money Inc. vs. Hulk Hogan and Brutus Beefcake

We get red smoke and Heenan says that can only mean one person. Then Jimmy Hart walks out. Just made me chuckle a bit. This is Hogan’s first match in a year and the pop kind of sucks. It’s big, but not mind blowing. The heels jump the heroes before the bell but Hogan and Beefcake fight them off with the music playing which always makes me mark out like crazy. There’s just something sweet about that.

We get to the real match which is actually quite good. I think just about everyone expected Hogan and Beefcake to somehow take the belts here. Money Inc. had absolutely dominated the tag division for over a year at this point so they were seen as very legit. The champions stall forever to get us started. That’s about what you would expect no?

Hogan’s eye looks terrible. IRS vs. Beefcake start us off. The champions beat him down and tag in and out but for some reason they don’t go after the face that much at all. IRS tries to hit him in the face like a very stupid man indeed. Beefcake takes over and off to Hogan who gets ten punches in the corner on the Million Dollar Man. It’s about five years too late but I guess it’s better than nothing.

More fast tagging by the challengers and Hogan gets a double axe off the middle rope to DiBiase who is getting destroyed here. They clear the ring again as this is one sided after a few minutes of the champions winning early on. The champions try to leave and we get the ten count thing like we did last year I think. Scratch that as it was at Summerslam.

Hogan vs. DiBiase again. Good old fashioned cheating has Money Inc right back in control though. Hogan does what he does best: gets his ass kicked. LONG Million Dollar Dream puts him down but he shakes his finger to get back up. He must be in that thing for two minutes or so. Beefcake comes in to put a sleeper on DiBiase to drive Heenan crazy.

Why does everything seem to go into slow motion during a Hogan match? It takes like a minute and a half to get the hot tag to Beefcake. IRS comes in as well and a cheap shot gives the champions the advantage again. Beefcake’s protective mask gets ripped off and his face gets beaten into oblivion which is always a good thing. Love him or hate him, the guy bumps like a master.

Beefcake finally gets a sleeper on IRS but DiBiase breaks it up causing the ref to go down. Hogan comes in and cleans house leading to a double cover. Jimmy Hart turns his jacket inside out, which just happens to be black and white striped in the biggest coincidence of ALL time (you have to say ALL time at any WM. It’s the law) and apparently they think that’s good enough to make him a referee.

Some pest of a referee comes out and ruins our celebration saying that there’s a DQ as Hogan used Beefcake’s metal mask to knock out Money Inc. Jimmy Hart beats up the other referee and we get Hogan’s music. Post match, Hogan poses and they steal IRS’ briefcase, which contains a brick and money.

Supposedly the brick caused it to hurt a lot worse, because of course hitting someone WITH A SOLID METAL BRIEFCASE didn’t hurt enough. There’s also money in it which Hogan gives to the fans. This literally goes on well over 5 minutes.

Rating: C+. This is a good tag match which is absolutely stunning in its own right. Hogan put on a great performance here as did Brutus. Money Inc was as great as ever and it boils down to a solid match. The main thing killing it was the ending. I mean REALLY?

Hogan hits has Jimmy get the pin and he celebrates? Dude, come the heck on now.It was really the best option, but I still hate it. This match works for one simple reason: it’s nearly 20 minutes long. Both faces get beaten down and we get a double comeback. There’s very little missing from it actually.

Mr. Perfect says he’ll break Luger’s winning streak.

Mr. Perfect vs. Lex Luger

The main perk here is Luger’s entrance with four chicks holding mirrors in gold thongs. Not bad at all. This sounds awesome on paper if nothing else. Luger has knocked out everyone he’s faced so far with the metal plate in his forearm. They fight over a wristlock to start and it’s a standoff. Big shot by Perfect and a knee lift sets up a dropkick and Luger hits the floor.

We talk about baseball as Heenan tries to explain the whole knockout thing and he says Savage knows a thing or two about baseball. That’s very true as he played in some minor leagues for White Sox, Reds and Cardinals organizations. Quite an athlete indeed. Perfect works on the knee which is smart as he can’t get knocked out from there.

LOUD chop by Perfect as he has controlled for the vast majority so far. As is my custom he gets reversed on a hard whip into the corner to give Luger the control. He gets a shot with the loaded arm into the back of Perfect to really take over. Backbreaker puts Perfect down even longer.

Perfect can’t keep anything going and Luger gets a cover with his feet on the ropes for two which Heenan blasts to no end. Powerslam gets two. Sunset flip gets two for Perfect and then hooks a sleeper for all of 2 seconds. Perfect keeps getting pin attempts but can’t get more than two on them. A slingshot puts luger into the buckle for two.

Missile dropkick gets a long two as Luger gets his foot on the rope. No heat at all on that either. They fight over a backslide and Luger leans forward enough to put Perfect’s feet in the ropes so that he can’t kick out for the pin. Post match Luger knocks him out with the forearm.

Rating: C-. Long and at least passable, but I couldn’t stand Luger’s gimmick at the time. The forearm was just a dumb way to end every single match and this is no exception. This was ok but it was really spotty at times and it never got into a flow at all. I’ve seen worse though.

Perfect goes looking for Luger. And for once he finds him and the fight is on again. Shawn jumps Perfect, starting their summer long feud.

Gorilla pops up for no reason at all other than to tell us what two matches are left.

We recap Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzales. Undertaker feuded with Kamala in the fall and beat him. Harvey Whippleman, Kamala’s manager said he would get revenge, so at the Royal Rumble he brought out Gonzalez, who boardered on 7’8. He beat the tar out of Taker and eliminated him, leading to this match.

The feud doesn’t end here as it would finally be settled at the Survivor Series in a Rest in Peace match, which meant No DQ. In case you’re wondering where you’ve heard this story before, it’s THE EXACT same thing that happened with Muhammad Hassan, which led to Mark Henry who combined to play the role of Kamala and then the Great Khali as Gonzalez.

They had a manager that wanted revenge on Taker, then Taker got beaten up by them, then won a no rules match. That’s why old fans didn’t like the Taker/Khali feud: we knew exactly what was coming and we were exactly right.

Giant Gonzalez vs. Undertaker

This is the first Wrestlemania entrance for Undertaker where he’s brought out in a chariot with a vulture on his shoulder which was REALLY cool for its time and is still awesome today. This should sum up how big Gonzalez was: Taker is a big old dude and he comes up to Gonzalez’s chest. Clubbing blows get him nowhere and here comes Taker.

Gonzalez chokes Taker who gets on the second rope to choke back but gets a low blow for his trouble down in his little demons. A low blow is no sold and we go to School (In 1993 the School wasn’t old yet). This was in that really weird period that stretched to about 1996 when Foley got there where they had no idea what to do with Undertaker so they just had him fight giants.

Giant chokes Taker down until the Urn goes up into the air. Taker goes into the steps on the floor as it’s ALL Gonzalez. Heenan proclaims him dead and almost has a heart attack when Taker is like boy I’m the Undertaker and just stands up and keeps beating on Gonzalez. Taker beats him down before Harvey throws in a cloth covered in chloroform which puts Taker down but it’s a DQ anyway. Yep this is bad.

Rating: F+. The match itself was just bad as there was one simple flaw: Gonzalez was just terrible. He was too big to be able to properly do anything in the ring and it showed badly here. It’s the only thing close to a blemish on Taker’s Mania record and that’s a shame. The idea that the commentators could smell a small rag in an open area like that is ludicrous to say the least, especially after all of 5 seconds of it being out.

Taker stays down for a long time with Gonzalez standing over him in triumph. They stretcher him out which isn’t something you see every day. The fans chant for Hogan for a bit, but then a gong rings. Today that would blow the roof off the place (despite there being no roof here) but here it only gets a solid pop. He staggers out and beats the fur off of Gonzalez which makes me wonder: WHY IN THE WORLD DID THEY DO THE DQ ENDING???

Gene recaps the feud with Hart and Yoko, and then Hulk Hogan makes sure he has the spotlight at the end of the show as he has to talk about how he’s in Bret’s corner. Oh and he calls Yokozuna a Jap.

WWF Title: Bret Hart vs. Yokozuna

Yoko wins this shot based on winning the Rumble. When you look back, there was absolutely no doubt who was going to win here. The idea is that Bret has no chance and they’ve spent the entire show telling us that Bret has no chance. Guess what happens in the match.

The problem with this match is very simple: Yoko is too fat for Bret to do much with. Bret’s offense is completely unbelievable here and that’s not a knock on him as no one for the most part could do much against Yoko. That’s also not a knock on Yoko as he was a decent big man (bring it on Irish).

Bret is sent to the floor after a nice attack to start but it’s clear he’s going to be in trouble. He ties Yoko’s legs in the ropes and gets him down so he can hammer away. Savage wants him to cover but is corrected by Heenan in a bizarre moment. Clothesline takes Bret down almost as soon as Yoko gets to his feet. Leg drop half kills Bret for no cover. The fans chant USA for their Canadian champion.

Bret gets a boot up for a BIG pop and a bulldog/jump on his back gets two. Side kick puts Bret right back down as this is bordering on a squash so far. Off to the nerve hold now which is basically a way to waste some time, which in a 9 minute match is rather stupid. Oh and all of Bret’s fans are Hulkamaniacs. Heenan points out the stupidity of the USA chants and is ignored. Bret gets in all the offense he can which is more or less getting him nowhere.

FINALLY he gets something as the buckle is exposed and Yoko’s head goes into it, sending him down to his stomach. Bret puts on a shockingly passable sharpshooter and the crowd is shocked. Mr. Fuji then throws salt into Bret’s eyes allowing Yoko to pin him for the title. Now let’s break down why this ending is so bad. Bret gets the sharpshooter on after Yoko shows no sign of his knees being hurt by Bret’s offense on them. I’ll let that go though as it’s a solid move that would hurt enough for a quick submission.

Fuji has done almost nothing all match. Bret sees him right in front of him as he takes FOREVER to get the salt out and throw it. Are you telling me Bret couldn’t have, I don’t know, CLOSED HIS EYES??? The referee sees Bret holding his eyes, sees the cloud from the thrown salt and sees Fuji holding a package of salt and thinks nothing of this, and to top it off, salt in the eyes is enough to knock Bret out for a pin? Come on now.

Rating: D+. The size difference here was too much, the time was bad, and the finish was insulting to my intelligence. The wrestling is ok, but just barely. Bret fights valiantly for the full nine minutes of this match and yes you read that right. That’s the biggest issue most people have with this match and this Wrestlemania. The biggest match was less than 10 minutes long.

BUT WAIT!!!

Hulk Hogan comes out because he can’t handle a *gasp* young and talented guy taking the spotlight or something evil like that, so he explains to Fumbles McWhoops our referee what happened and apparently Fuji has match making abilities now as tells Hogan that Yoko will put the belt on the line right now. Bret points to the ring which apparently means go for it.

Hulk slides in and we’re off to the races one more time. The fans are happy, but looking back this is beyond stupid. WHY would Fuji put the newly won title on the line against the greatest giant killer of all time after Yoko has had no rest while Hogan has rested for about half at least? And people wonder why the business was in so much of a hole as it was around this time.

WWF Title: Hulk Hogan vs. Yokozuna

Yoko attacks Hogan as he slides in then holds him for more salt. Hogan ducks, nails Fuji, clotheslines Yoko, drops the leg and wins his fifth title. No rating of course.

Hogan poses with the title as we go off the air.

Overall Rating: F+. This show is truly bad and the main reason behind that is the ending. Hulk Hogan had absolutely no need to come in and steal the spotlight all over again. I don’t care how big of a Hulkamaniac you are, and I’m a huge one, but there is no justification for that whatsoever.

Let Yoko leave with the belt and do this on Raw the next night. Aside from that, the rest of the matches are ok at best. There’s a few watchable matches here and there but there’s no reasoning to sit through the rest of the show for them. Wrestlemania isn’t supposed to be something you need to fast forward through to get to the decent stuff. BIG recommendation to avoid here as this might be the worst WM of all time.

Monday Night Raw
Date: March 14, 2011
Location: Scottrade Center, St. Louis, Missouri
Commentators: Michael Cole, Josh Matthews
Guest Star: Snooki

After last week’s pretty good show, we’re here with the first of the final three Raws before Mania.  With 20 days to go, things started to looks up last week as Miz got serious and Cena apparently is done talking to Rock.  Also tonight it’s Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus in a title vs. job match which should be fun.  Let’s get to it.

Oh and Snooki is here tonight too.  Dang it all.

We open with a picture of the Rock and hear him talking to the president.  He makes fun of Cena’s promo last week, saying it wasn’t funny and that Cena talks like a child.  Cena’s music hits and Rock says he’ll have to call the President back.  Rock talks to someone off camera, saying that Cena is a man for coming to see him.

And it’s a kid.  The kid is in a Cena shirt and raps a bit but Rock says that Cena has to talk like an adult.  Rock sits down and makes fun of “Cena”, saying that while Cena has run with the ball since Rock is gone, he hasn’t run that far.  At the end of the day, it comes down to the fact that Cena simply isn’t that talented.

Rock says it doesn’t matter how that makes him feel and Cena starts crying.  Rock says that the fans should be crying after seeing Cena’s movies.  The Rock gives him a gift: a box of Fruity Pebbles.  This is absolutely hilarious by the way.  After sending the kid away, Rock turns to the camera and turns his attention to the Miz.

They haven’t been introduced and Miz claims to be the most must see WWE Champion in history.  Well he’s the Rock, the most electrifying man in all of entertainment.  There’s this ominous music playing in the background at the same time.  Miz hit the People’s Elbow and insulted his family.  That statement means that Miz wants the biggest whipping of all time.  Rock says the time for talking is done and before Mania he will be on Raw.  Cena needs to shut his mouth.  The smack will be laid down, if you smell what he’s cooking.

Trish is in the back with Snooki.  Someone get me my gun that I don’t own.

All three commentators are here and Cole is in his own glass/plastic box.  That’s hilarious.  Oh and it’s called the Cole Mine.  Great stuff.  There’s no top on it.

Here’s Miz and we get a clip of three weeks ago when Miz and Cena won the tag titles.  Also we see the end of the cage match and of last week’s show.  In present time Miz says that Rock’s shirt says I Bring It.  That’s true as he brings bad movies, weak catchphrases and long diatribes of a has been.  Miz runs down Rock’s family because he’s WWE Champion, making him better than them.

Rock likes to make six year olds cry.  Miz says Rock should step into this ring as Miz will make Rock cry.  Rock doesn’t own Cena, the Miz does.  Miz says that he hopes Rock brings it here to St. Louis, but if Rock does he’ll be overshadowed by Miz.  The catchphrase seems to end the commercial but we have an e-mail.

Cole has to leave the box to get to the podium and Lawler blocks his way.  Apparently Jerry is going to read them tonight.  There are two first time ever matches tonight: one for Cena and one for Miz.  Cena faces Alberto Del Rio and Miz faces the Great Khali.  I would have bet on HHH but I guess they’re saving that for Mania.  Miz vs. Khali is next.

The Miz vs. Great Khali

 

Naturally Khali dominates to start.  Cole is already getting on my verves by ignoring Lawler every time he talks.  Khali gets the big overhead chop and locks in the vice less than a minute in.  Miz’s face being all crushed is hilarious.  Miz gets the rope and Riley runs in for the DQ (wasn’t he fired?) at 1:14.  Miz destroys Khali with a chair Austin style post match.  DDT on the chair ends it.  Miz actually BROKE the chair, as in one of the legs is hanging off.  There’s a gash in Khali’s back too which I can’t imagine is fake.

Cole is going to expose Lawler tonight with a special guest.

Orton vs. Ryan later.

We see the HHH video from Smackdown which is designed to make HHH look like a tough guy.  That isn’t that hard to do.

John Morrison is talking to Snooki.  Dang it he had potential.  She offers him a spot of Jersey Shore.  Vickie and Dolph come up and make fun of Snooki.  Apparently Vickie was offered the cover of Playboy.  Snooki makes a fat joke and blocks a slap to hit Vickie and we take a break.

US Title: Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan

 

There’s a graphic with an American flag and fireworks for the US Title.  Cool.  If Sheamus loses he quits.  Gail Kim is with Bryan here.  Sheamus looked angry about the idea of the stipulation even though it was his idea I believe.  Sheamus takes over early as we talk about the possibility of the curse of being King of the Ring.  Bryan moonsaults over Sheamus and tries the LeBell Lock but Sheamus escapes.

Suicide Dive to the floor takes down Sheamus and a missile dropkick takes down the Irishman for two.  Sheamus hits the floor again and looks lost as we take a break.  Back with Sheamus in control of Bryan, mainly focusing on his back.  Bryan grabs a small package for two and sends Sheamus to the floor.  Sheamus may have hurt his ankle again just like last week.

He makes it back in this week but the Brogue Kick misses and Bryan grabs the LeBell Lock.  Sheamus grabs the ropes and tries the High Cross.  Bryan rolls through it for two and they slug it out with Bryan taking him down.  BIG kick to the head gets a long two.  Bryan goes up but jumps into the Brogue Kick which ends Bryan’s title reign at 9:00.  Sweet ending.

Rating: B. This was a good TV match with both guys coming off looking good.  Sheamus is arguably a bigger star than Bryan so it’s not like this is a major upset.  The kick looked great too so it’s not like some weak move ended it.  Good TV match too and it got some good time with some hard hitting shots.  Good stuff.

Cole says he’s going to commit Regicide (killing of a king) tonight and his guest is up next.

After a recap of last week’s segment with JBL, Cole and Austin.  Cole is in the ring and says that Jerry gets defensive about his family.  Tonight Cole isn’t going to talk about Lawler’s family because Lawler’s family is going to talk about Lawler.  Cue Brian freaking Christopher, looking like a slim Dusty Rhodes with a beard with a distance.  Christopher cuts a total heel promo, saying how Lawler never wanted a family or a son and when Christopher made it to WWE, Lawler didn’t acknowledge that Christopher was his son.

Lawler grabs the mic and says that he’s glad Christopher never went by Brian Lawler, because he’s a bigger screw up than Charlie Sheen, proven by him associating with Michael Cole.  Brian asks his dad how it feels that his son was at Wrestlemania before Lawler did as one of the biggest stars in the company as part of Too Cool (just go with it).  Christopher gets in his face and Lawler just sits there and takes it.  Cole says this proves that Lawler is a loser.

CUE JR of all people who says that Cole has gone too far with everything and that Cole needs to come to his senses.  Cole says that Ross needs to just go away and that he’s the voice of the WWE and not Jim Ross.  Ross has wanted to talk to him about that, because the voice of the WWE is that of the fans, not one person.  Lawler has been carrying Cole like a baby kangaroo in his mother’s pouch.  Ross says Cole isn’t cuddly like a kangaroo though.  He’s a rat bastard.

Cole talks about how this is what he always expected: Ross leaving Cole in his Cole’s ring like a coward.  JR takes the jacket and tie off and is ready to fight.  As he gets ready, Swagger jumps Lawler and then hits the ring to beat up Ross and put on the ankle lock.  Lawler gets up and hammers Swagger but Cole jumps on Lawler and puts the ankle lock on Lawler who taps.  Cole puts the hold on Ross and the evildoers stand tall.  Good stuff here indeed.

Edge and Christian get a tag title shot on Friday.  Cool.

Randy Orton vs. Mason Ryan

 

Huge hometown boy pop for Orton of course.  Orton has punted everyone so far and this is the final one left for Orton to beat.  Punk is on the ramp of course and if Ryan wins he can be in the corner of Punk at Mania.  Ryan uses basic power to take over and hits the sitout Rock Bottom for two.  The referee seemed like he had to stop early there so maybe Orton missed his cue.  Ryan picks him up and another attempt is countered into the RKO to end it at 2:58.  This was nothing for the most part but at least the dismantling of the Nexus is over now.

Orton goes up for Punk on the ramp but turns around and sprints back into the ring to punt Ryan as well.  Punk tries to get in from behind but Orton turns and they lock eyes with both almost on their stomachs.  Punk slithers out.  Ryan is taken out on a stretcher.

We recap Snooki and Vickie from earlier and that slap.

Drew Carey is going into the Hall of Fame.  What do you even say to that?

Cole talks some more about how awesome he is.

Snooki and Trish are up next.  Snooki gets hit on by Zach Ryder and it’s totally pointless.

Snooki comes out and says nothing at all of note.  Way to earn that paycheck!

Vickie Guerero vs. Trish Stratus

 

This is No DQ all of a sudden.  Before the match Vickie yells at Snooki and claims that she was supposed to be on the cover of Rolling Stone instead of Snooki.  Trish works as a brunette too.  Vickie warms up before we get going here so Trish rolls her up for two.  Vickie runs to the floor and loses her shoe.  She gets it back and uses it like a sword.  Then she throws the shoe at Trish and tries to use it like a baseball bat.

Vickie gets spanked by the shoe until Dolph comes in for the save.  Cue Morrison for the second save and a big corkscrew plancha to take down Ziggler.  Laycool comes in and Michelle gets the boot to the face of Trish.  Vickie gets the pin at 2:30.  Just a comedy match here, and yet still longer and better than Hardy vs. Sting.  You knew I’d have to get a shot in at that somewhere.

Laycool gets in Snooki’s face post match and the fight is on.  Trish makes the save.  Snooki raises her arms and the tips of her fingers are equal to the top of Trish’s head.  Vickie makes a challenge for a 6 person/Diva/creature tag at Mania.  Snooki will do it.  Oh sweet goodness I need a blunt object to bash my skull in with.

Sin Cara is still coming.  That looks awesome.

Shawn talks about Undertaker.  I should point out that it’s 10:58 and we have a main event to go still.  Shawn praises Taker as he did HHH last week and nothing of note is said.  There’s an aura to the Streak apparently.

Alberto Del Rio vs. John Cena

 

Del Rio grabs a headlock to start and Cena speeds things up.  Cole says Rock is here tonight in St. Louis.  Del Rio hits the floor and we take a break at 11:05.  Ok then.  Back with Del Rio getting two off an unseen move.  Double knockdown and they slug it out after getting up.  Here come the shoulders and Del Rio is in trouble.  Five Knuckle Shuffle but Brodus runs in for the DQ at 7:25.  Not enough shown to rate again which is rather annoying but that’s life.

Anyway the point here is that Rock’s music plays and HE’S…..someone in a bald wig.  That would be Miz I believe.  Cena beats up Brodus but the numbers catch up to him.  That’s the best bald wig I’ve ever seen.  Cena is sent to the floor and Miz beats on him even more.  A few mic shots to the head put Cena down.  Del Rio and Clay are gone.

Miz suplexes him onto the ramp to mess with his back.  Cena fires back but can’t get the FU.  Miz DDTs him on the stage and Cena is out.  Cena gets rammed into the big WWE sign on the stage as this is going a bit long.  Skull Crushing Finale into the same sign and Cena is out cold to end the show.  Miz’s face is awesome.

Overall Rating: A-. This was one of the best shows I’ve ever seen….for about an hour and ten minutes.  Starting with Orton, the rest of this show just fell apart.  Now that being said, it was still very good overall.  Cena/Miz/Rock is awesome at this point and the Cole vs. Lawler thing is going to be epic when it finally goes off.  This was a very good show and they got things going for Mania even more.  That being said, I loathe “celebrities” like the Jersey Shore people so that was a big black mark for me.  Other than that, good stuff and even more good building for Mania.

Results

Great Khali b. The Miz via DQ when Alex Riley interfered

Sheamus b. Daniel Bryan – Brogue Kick

Randy Orton b. Mason Ryan – RKO

Vickie Guerrero b. Trish Stratus – Guerrero pinned Stratus after a big boot from Michelle McCool

John Cena b. Alberto Del Rio via DQ when Brodus Clay interfered

Wrestlemania 7
Date: March 24, 1991
Location: Los Angeles Sports Arena, Los Angeles, California
Attendance: 16,158
Commentators: Gorilla Monsoon, Bobby Heenan
America The Beautiful: Willie Nelson

Now this was a most interesting show and one that I’ve always liked for some reason. The theme for this show was Stars and Stripes in light of the Gulf War. At the Royal Rumble, Sergeant Slaughter had won the WWF Title with the help of the Macho Man by beating the Ultimate Warrior.

Slaughter was an Iraqi sympathizer and therefore, the epitome of evil at the time. It was clear that a Real American would have to rise up to confront him and take the title back. Fortunately, the WWF had the realest of all Real Americans in Mr. Hulk Hogan.

Your other big match was the previously mentioned Ultimate Warrior vs. Randy Savage. These two would meet on this show in a career ending match. There’s also Mr. Perfect vs. Big Bossman for the IC belt and the Nasty Boys vs. The Harts for the tag belts.

We see the Rockers talking about how the Rockers are going to beat their opponents which is about the same interview that they did for their entire time in the WWF. This is close to the end of the Rockers’ run which mainly is because you can really see the star in Shawn begging to be let out.

The Rockers vs. Haku/Barbarian

Due to Heenan managing the heels, we get Hacksaw Jim Duggan on commentary. Duggan is dressed like Uncle Sam which works fine for him. After running down the two main matches for a bit it’s time to set started.  Shawn vs. Haku opens us up here.  It’s your basic power vs. speed match to start which means it’s solid all things considered.

Everyone is in maybe 90 seconds in though and we get to an interesting part: the Rockers hit a double superkick to both guys, and the heels are up in maybe 4 seconds.  In other words, Sweet Chin Music did nothing at all.  Was it a technique thing that made them better later on?  I’ve never gotten that.  Off to Barbarian vs. Marty now which sounds painfully bad.

Sunset flip doesn’t work for Marty but Barbarian punches mat instead.  The Rockers were rather awesome at this point which is always cool to see.  Now we get to the majority of the match as Marty plays….well Marty, taking a BIG beating from the monsters.  It amazes me how these guys could have the same formula so often and make it work so many times (and yes I know the Expresses did it first).

We get the bearhug as Marty is reeling.  Granted it might be that he’s stoned or drunk but we have no evidence thereof.  Granted it’s Marty so him being sober would be most odd indeed.  Did Barbarian ever not have steady work?  Marty manages to get free but misses a second rope cross body and is caught in a SLICK powerslam to crush him for no cover.

Barbarian misses a top rope headbutt though and amazingly his Samoan head is actually hurt.  It does the needed job though as here comes Shawn off the hot tag.  Shawn manages to fight off both guys for far longer than you would expect him to.  A thumb in the eye doesn’t get Haku anywhere as Shawn gets a sunset flip for two.

Everyone comes in again and the Rockers wake up with double teams all around.  They unleash the high stuff (remember it’s Marty out there) and a cross body from Shawn gets the win.  Very fun match here and it worked rather well.  Duggan leaves since Heenan is going to take over on commentary now.

Rating: B. This was the perfect opener. There’s not much of importance here and that works well. You don’t want your fans to get emotionally invested in the first match and get them worn out in the early going. This match was fun, fast paced, and not too serious. Perfect choice for the opener. On a side note, this makes Shawn 1-2 at WM.

We see Alex Trebek, Regis Philbin and some ugly woman who are the celebrities for WM 7. Seriously, Alex Trebek? Regis I can understand, but this is the best you can do, in Los Angeles? That can’t be a good thing. They really have nothing to say of note.

Texas Tornado vs. Dino Bravo

This should be interesting. Power vs. power here so it’s likely not going to be that good. Bravo uses the absolute worst atomic drop I’ve ever seen. He just drops Tornado and it’s very sad indeed. Bravo hits his finisher and no one really is surprised when Tornado kicks out.

This is one of those matches that is on there for the purposes of filling in the card and everyone knows it.  Bravo is LONG past his point of usefulness and Von Erich just never clicked in this company past a hot debut period.  This is nothing at all and it knows it’s nothing at all.

Tornado locks in his Claw Hold and after about ten seconds the announcers acknowledge it. He then hits the spinning punch of death to pin Bravo as there’s literally no commentary for about 10 more seconds. They really didn’t care and neither do I.

Rating: F. When Gorilla Monsoon, the man that likely cared as much about the WWF than anyone else has nothing to say, you know it sucks.

Slick and Warlord babble about beating up the British Bulldog

British Bulldog and his dog Winston say they can beat the Warlord. You know, if Davey hadn’t had that stupid mascot, he could have been legendary. Everything about him just screams GIVE ME THE TITLE! At least in this interview it does.

Warlord vs. British Bulldog

Warlord has that sweet half mask at this point. The Bulldog hails from Leeds. Just thought I’d throw that out there. Power vs. Power again here, but I’m not as worried as I was about the last one. Considering this is Stars and Stripes Wrestlemania, the Bulldog’s pops are insane. Heck those would be great pops anywhere.

He had the look, the talent, the moves, the fan support, everything he needed to be a mega star. What that never happened is beyond me, but I think it wore yellow and red.  I’m really not wild on having back to back power vs. power matches but this is definitely an upgrade.  Davey runs through Warlord to start us off here and sends him to the floor with some shoulder blocks.

Crucifix doesn’t work as Warlord counters into a Samoan Drop for no cover.  Gorilla and Heenan are stealing the show.  Heenan: “I was knighted by Queen Elizabeth you know.”  Gorilla: “You keep this up I’ll have you crowned as well.”  We get the loudest pop for a bearhug that I’ve EVER heard as this crowd is really quite hot.  Total slugout here for the most part but it’s working.

Warlord gets a belly to belly out of nowhere to take Bulldog down and the crowd will not stop cheering.  This is rather impressive.  Warlord wastes time like the idiot that he is but for once it doesn’t cost him.  On to the weakest chinlock I can remember in a very long time to waste some more time.  Smith fights up and hits a VERY good dropkick to take over.

It amazes me how versatile he was at this time and wouldn’t get his big push for over a year and a half.  Granted some of that was due to Flair showing up and changing the whole thing which can’t be blamed on Vince.  Piledriver attempt by Davey is blocked into a backdrop into a sunset flip for two.

There’s the full nelson from Warlord out of nowhere and Davey is in trouble.  He can’t lock in the fingers though so there’s a chance for escape for our hero.  The fingers aren’t locked and Davey is able to bust out of it in a surprise which hadn’t been done before I don’t think.  A second later, Davey picks Warlord up and walks around with him for a bit and DRILLS him with the powerslam to end it.  This was a miracle.

Rating: B-. I liked it. Bulldog is completely carrying this match though and it’s clear who the top talent here is.  By far and away Warlord’s best match ever and something that I probably have overrated.  It’s awesome for some reason though and I think a lot of it is due to the crowd being WAY into this.  Very fun match indeed.

Jimmy Hart and the most overrated tag team I’ve ever seen, the Nasty Boys, are going to take the tag titles by cracking the foundation. The Harts disagree. Neidhart is pretty good on the mic, but Hitman is clearly the star here. This was at the very end of their run as a tag team and Bret is like Shawn at this point: ready and just waiting to be told to go for it.

Tag Titles: Nasty Boys vs. Hart Foundation

For God knows why, Jimmy Hart is wearing a motorcycle helmet.  Bret and Sags start us off here.  Bret manages to beat up both guys on his own as you can see the singles push dripping and ready to come out.  Anvil vs. Knobbs now.  Who named these two guys?  The Nasty Boys I mean.  Anvil hammers away and Brian is in big trouble early on.

Both Harts have managed to clear the ring on their own which is always a cool thing to see.  Back off to Bret again as it’s ALL Harts for about the first five minutes or so.  Bret takes a clothesline though to send him to the floor.  Anvil chases Jimmy and let’s talk about Hogan.  To the shock of absolutely no one, Bret gets beaten on for the vast majority of the time he’s in, as is his custom.

Heenan tries to imitate Gorilla’s commentary when he gets all technical about body parts in a funny but too short bit.  Sags gets a chinlock on Bret and cranks on it which gets him nowhere again.  Knobbs plays Monkey See Monkey Do as he locks in the same move which gets him nowhere either.

Neckbreaker gets two for Sags as it’s so cute to see him try to wrestle out there.  He REALLY likes that chinlock as we see it again.  Now Knobbs try it again.  They’ve probably spent 3-4 minutes on that freaking chinlock over and over again.  We get the oldest and one of the best tag moves in the books as Anvil gets the tag but it isn’t seen.

Heel miscommunication sets up the REAL hot tag and Neidhart cleans house.  The Harts were awesome as a team and it’s a shame they’re not credited more than they are.  I know they’re considered great but you don’t hear them talked about much anymore, or at least not enough for my liking.

Everything breaks down one more time and it’s a Hart Attack for Knobbs.  And there comes the infamous Megaphone as Anvil is getting rid of Sags.  Knobbs gets the pin on Bret to steal the titles.  Jimmy’s near orgasm where he rolls all over the ground and kicks his feet and kisses the title is pretty hilarious stuff.

Rating: C-. They were trying, but you can’t sell the Nastys going over the Harts to me no matter what. I think this was their last time teaming together as well as Bret went for singles competition after this.  The Nastys held the titles over the Summer before losing them at Summerslam to the LOD in their first title reign.  Not terrible but the Nastys have never done it for me at all.

We recap Roberts vs. Martel.  Now this match is 90% backstory. Jake Roberts was on the Brother Love Show and for some reason that was never explained, Rick Martel came out and sprayed Jake’s bag with Arrogance, his cologne that he carried everywhere with him and when Jake went to stop him, Jake got hit in the eye with it, allegedly blinding him.

I’ve always assumed Jake had an injury or something because he was out nearly 8 months over this. He finally came back to feud with Martel, and this was the match in which he would get his revenge. To play up on the blindness, both men’s heads have hoods over them from which they allegedly couldn’t see.  This was voted worst match of the year I believe and I think I know why.

Jake Roberts vs. Rick Martel

Remember, neither guy can allegedly see here.  Jake looks somewhat drunk here.  Let the stupidity begin as the crowd has to tell them where the other guy is.  No contact a minute in.  Their feet touch a bit and Martel falls over Jake as we’re in a glorified comedy match.  We get proof they can see as Martel sets for a backdrop and Jake runs around him.  In a kayfabe sense, why would ANYONE do that?

They back into each other and then charge and miss each other.  This is so painfully stupid I can’t imagine what the person that came up with it was on.  Must have been a bondage enthusiast.  Martel gets a slam as the biggest move of the first three and a half minutes then misses an elbow.  Heenan starts repeating Monsoon in a funny bit.

Martel finds the referee twice in a row which gets him nowhere of course.  Jake does a thing where he runs his finger around the ring and the crowd cheers when he points at Martel.  Now he’s clapping.  How are we five minutes into this already?  Heenan: why doesn’t Martel peak?  Gorilla: that’s cheating!  Heenan: so what???  That’s an excellent point actually.

Apparently the snake now weighs 500lbs according to Heenan.  The fans chant DDT.  I think they want the pesticide to kill themselves.  It must be a better treatment than having to watch this.  Martel runs into the bag in the corner and we STILL have had a total of maybe 20 seconds of contact in over six minutes of the match.  I can’t refer to it as wrestling or action as it has been neither.

Jake gets a headlock and is sent to the floor off a counter.  Heenan: HEY MARTEL!  HE’S ON THE FLOOR!  Martel, like an idiot, goes to the floor and grabs a chair which he pokes around with.  He swings the chair at a post and hurts his hand.  They finally find each other, I think out of boredom.  Boston Crab goes on and Jake is in trouble.  Never mind as he kicks him off and gets the DDT to finally end this mess.

Rating: F. What they were thinking here I don’t have a clue, but this was just a terrible match. The fans were into it for some reason but for almost 10 minutes they do nothing but hunt for each other or land a punch or two here and there. Just a complete waste of time.

That woman from earlier is in the locker room as the Nastys celebrate. What is the point of this again?

Undertaker vs. Jimmy Snuka

And so it began. You know where this goes.  No promos or anything as Taker was just squashing people at this point.  We start with a LONG staredown and again no contact.  Bearer is as freaky looking as ever.  Taker drills Snuka and we’re finally getting going here.  The jumping clothesline takes Snuka down and it’s one sided already.

Heenan tries to figure out the Urn which hasn’t been done in nearly 20 years so far but whatever.  Gorilla says people with white coats and a net are coming after Bearer.  That would be after his son actually but who’s counting?  Snuka comes back with pure jobber offense that gets him a grand total of nowhere.  He hotshots himself to the floor though and that should just about do it.  Taker catches a springboard cross body and the Tombstone kills Jimmy with ease.

Rating: D+. This is mostly for historical significance as the match itself is nothing. It’s a squash and a fairly bad one at that. However, no one at the time knew what would come from this. Truly a piece of wrestling history and you have to wonder if anyone could have dreamed that this would be the first in a streak that got Taker what, three or four world titles at Mania?  Remarkable.

We see a video package highlighting the events leading up to the Career Ending Match between Macho Man and Ultimate Warrior. Back when Warrior was champion, Macho Man wanted a title shot and he attacked Warrior to get one. Sherri, in one of the most sexually dripping promos of all time, literally gets on her knees and begs Warrior for a title shot. He says no.

At the 91 Rumble, Warrior defended against Sgt. Slaughter. Sherri came out and got Warrior to chase her, allowing Savage to beat him up. Warrior winds up coming back and almost winning, but here comes Sherri again. He reaches to grab her and Savage pops up and blasts him in the head with his scepter, allowing Slaughter to drop an elbow and pin him for the title. That brings us here.

Ultimate Warrior vs. Randy Savage

If WM 6 was Warrior’s greatest match, this is his second greatest. Before the match though, Bobby Heenan sees none other than Miss Elizabeth sitting in the front row. She hadn’t been seen in the WWF in nearly a year at this point so this was very surprising. Amazingly enough, Heenan can spot her from at least 50 yards away, when the camera can barely recognize her 10 feet away. You have to love kayfabe.

Warrior walks to the ring which freaks everyone out.  I’ve seen this match a few dozen times and it still works every single time.  This feels totally epic which is exactly the idea.  Warrior has the belt on the back of his tights which he never would win again.  Feeling out process to start as of course Warrior has the power advantage.

Warrior overpowers him to start and controls early on, much like Hogan did to Savage two years ago.  In case I forgot this is a career ending match.  How in the world did I forget to say that?  Sherri comes in so Warrior throws Savage at her to send her back to the floor.  We hit the floor where Savage tries to play mind games by throwing in a chair.  That gets him nowhere.

All Warrior so far but it’s incredibly early so it means nothing at all.  Savage finally gets Warrior to make a mistake and Warrior is sent to the floor.  Sherri keeps interfering but thankfully they don’t throw the match out because of it.  This is the largest PPV audience ever which is laughable to think they could know that halfway through the show but whatever.

Warrior cranks it up again and then does something very odd (I’m shocked too).  With Savage down on one knee and with his head down, Warrior goes for a flying tackle which more or less looks like a flying headbutt because Savage is still down.  It was just weird looking and I have no idea what he was thinking at all.  Anyway it lets Savage take over.

Double clothesline puts both guys down though.  And now we pause to look at Sherri’s rather nice figure.  In a nice nod to Mania 3, Savage gets rolled up off a slam but there’s no referee due to Sherri.  There goes said referee so it’s a free for all now.  Sherri takes off the shoe and goes up but it hits Savage in the head by mistake.

Savage gets a rollup for two as Heenan says he can’t even talk anymore which Gorilla doesn’t even reply to.  You can tell he’s into this.  We now hit one of the more famous parts of the match as Savage goes up and hits FIVE elbow drops from the top when I think only Hogan and George Steele (yes that George Steele) had ever kicked out of one.

The reaction from Heenan to the kick out is absolutely excellent.  Savage is SHOCKED.  Warrior Hulks Up and hits four or five clotheslines to take Savage down.  Gorilla Press and splash only get two though and now Warrior is SHOCKED.  Warrior looks up into the sky to ask “his gods” about whether it’s his time to leave and he walks out.

Savage jumps him instead and brings him back and we go on.  Warrior is draped across the barricade but Savage misses and is more or less dead on his feet.  Warrior throws his body back in and hits a bunch of BIG shoulder blocks with Savage selling like no one else could, making himself look like a rag doll.  He hits the floor three times and is just dead.  Warrior puts his foot on the chest and is triumphant.  That’s the basis for KB vs. Sabre for you OCW fans.

Rating: A+. Combining the post match stuff with the match, this is easily the best segment to date in Wrestlemania history and is easily one of the best of all time. It’s a shame it’s almost forgotten today due to Vince’s vendettas against both guys.  This is an absolute classic and DEFINITELY the best Mania match in a very long time.  I’d put it maybe in the top five Mania matches in the WWF Era and easily top ten ever at this show.  Great match and absolutely worth seeing.

The real memory of this match comes afterwards though in what is likely considered the most emotional moment in WWF history. Savage is still out cold in the ring and Sherri comes in and freaks out on him, saying that he ended her career too. Both commentators are saying to give him a break and that no one else, not even Hogan could have taken this kind of a beating and survived.

Sherri starts to kick him with her high heels when Savage couldn’t hold off a toddler at this point. With her beating Savage up, Miss Elizabeth jumps the guard rail and for the first time ever, attacks someone by throwing Sherri out of the ring as the crowd is stunned to see her. Savage tries to get up but doesn’t know who was beating on him. He turns to see Liz and almost falls to the ground again in shock.

The referee tells him it was Sherri kicking him and he’s even more confused. Liz opens her arms and after a few moments Savage hugs her as the crowd absolutely loses it. Savage puts her on his shoulders and there is nothing but cheering and crying from the crowd. Heenan is beside himself at “this sickening display.”

Finally they’re ready to leave and in the ultimate display of his love, Savage refuses to let Liz hold the ropes open for him as she did for years and instead holds them open for her, truly showing he’s a changed man.  This is probably the best emotional moment ever at this point and still holds up to this day.  Incredible stuff and again, definitely something worth seeing.

We go from one of the most emotional moments in wrestling history to… a debate on instant replay. Yes you read that right. Vince McMahon acts on moderator (C.M. > Vince) between Paul McGuire and George Steinbrenner of all people as they argue over instant replay.

During the debate, McGuire calls Steinbrenner a butt head, leading to Vince to call on his instant replay “officials” to review it. As this continues to spiral into udder stupidity, the Bushwackers are the officials. They say that there’s inconclusive evidence, therefore the insult stands. Finally this ends and we go back to the arena. This was somehow stupider than it sounds.

Trebek talks to Demolition who scares him off.

Regis talks to…….GENICHIRO TENRYU?????  He’s here with Kitao who isn’t anyone special but I’ve heard of him.  They can’t understand Regis.

Trebek is scared of Jake.
Demolition vs. Tenryu/Kitao

I know who the two Japanese wrestlers are, but why in the heck are they on Wrestlemania? Demolition was little more than jobbers at this point. After they lost the titles to the Harts at Summerslam 90 Ax had left so this is Smash and Crush. They had also gotten Mr. Fuji back at this point.

Crush and Kitao start us off here.  Kitao is a big old boy too.  Fuji gets a cane shot in almost immediately as it looks like dominance from Demolition to start.  Heenan makes Japanese jokes as this is mostly dominance.  Somehow Kitao is named Fred.  Tenryu comes in and avoids the Decapitator and hits a big powerbomb on Crush to…get the pin?  WOW.  This was Demolition’s last match too.  Odd indeed.

Rating: W. As in what were they thinking here? I know that Tenryu is a Japanese legend, but no one knew who he was at Wrestlemania. The crowd is silent when Demolition lost. This wasn’t even a loss but rather a squash. This whole match made absolutely zero sense.

Big Bossman says he’s coming for Heenan after he gets the IC Title.

Heenan says he’s not afraid of Bossman.

Intercontinental Title: Big Bossman vs. Mr. Perfect

Bossman is insanely over at this point having been running around with Hogan all through the second half of the year. Heenan had been talking trash about Bossman’s mama, and you don’t talk bad about a Southern boy’s mother. Bossman went to war with the Heenan Family and the only person left was their top wrestler, Mr. Perfect.

Considering Bossman weighs more than Kane, the stuff he can do in the ring is mind blowing. He moves like someone Chavo’s size.  All signs point to this being the changing of the title.  Perfect throws the towel at Boss Man so Boss Man spits at Perfect.  Perfect’s selling goes insane of course and it works great.  Boss Man throws some GREAT punches.

I feel like I’m watching a match on fast forward.  A charge misses though and we slow things WAY down all of a sudden.  Boss Man pulls his belt out which is allegedly a foreign object but I’m not sure how.  It would seem perfectly legal to me as he brought it in with him didn’t he?  There’s the abdominal stretch as the belt didn’t get Boss Man very far at all.

There’s that neck snap from Perfect which is always fun to see.  Perfectplex is blocked though but Boss Man can’t get anything going at all.  Perfect gets a reverse neck snap which we would more or less call a Blockbuster today.  He goes up but does the jump into the boot spot to set up Boss Man’s comeback.

Perfect gets the tar punched out of him which doesn’t take much as I don’t think there’s much tar in him for the most part.  Boss Man rams into the steps though and Heenan gets some shots in.  The crowd pops like a cherry though as here comes Andre.  Heenan LOSES IT and Andre grabs the belt just because he wants to.  He DRILLS Perfect with it but the Heenan Family runs in for the save before Boss Man can get the title.  The overly large faces clear the ring.  Odd finish.
Rating: C-. This again is historic as it’s Andre’s last WM appearance. It really is sad to see him in such physically bad shape. He would be dead in less than two years, just after the debut of Monday Night Raw, I believe the day of the third show.  For the life of me I do not get why Boss Man didn’t get the title here as every single sign on the planet would have pointed to it.  No clue what the reasoning was here though.

We see Bossman and Andre saying that the war with Heenan isn’t over. Actually it was.

The following people are here and talked to by Gene:

Lou Ferrigno (the Incredible Hulk)

Donald Trump

Chuck Norris

Henry Winkler (FONZIE!!!!!)

What an odd grouping indeed.
Earthquake vs. Greg Valentine

This is about as close to nothing as you can get. Hammer gets in a few elbows and then goes down with ease to the Earthquake splash.  It was a squash that somehow went three minutes but you get the idea.  There was a powerslam thrown in there somewhere.  Hammer did manage to get Quake down and go for the Figure Four but it went nowhere.  Why in the world is Valentine a face anyway?

Rating: N/A. Very little here and to have someone as good as Valentine reach this point in his career is kind of sad.  Total squash despite the fact that Earthquake was about to become a tag team guy with Tugboat.

The LOD want the belts from the Nastys and they’re going to make Power and Glory sour and gory.

Legion of Doom vs. Power and Glory

This match lasts less than a minute as LOD destroy Hercules and Paul “I was a Horsemen blast it” Roma.  Back to back squashes though?  Really?  Match ran 59 seconds somehow and the Doomsday Device ended it.

Rating: N/A. The only thing keeping this above failing is the LOD’s music. They were so over it’s not even funny.

We recap the events leading up to DiBiase and Virgil. Over the years, Virgil did every disgusting thing that DiBiase told him to do and finally he snapped. Roddy Piper began encouraging him and we get to this match. At the Rumble Virgil and DiBiase had been a team and Virgil got pinned. DiBiase blamed him and told him to wrap the belt around his waist, but Virgil hit him with it instead.

Virgil vs. Ted DiBiase

DiBiase rarely ever lost at this point so this was viewed as a squash. Virgil actually goes on for ten minutes. Roddy Piper is in his corner on crutches as he had recently been in a motorcycle wreck.  Virgil tags DiBiase with punches to start which are about all he’s got.  DiBiase hits the floor as he’s all frustrated now.

Back in the ring and DiBiase takes down Virgil with a clothesline to get control for a bit.  The common idea here was that Virgil couldn’t wrestle but he had been trained and was a regular wrestler in the indies before he came to WWF and had at least two matches before this one in a WWF ring.  DiBiase gets a Piledriver as Virgil is in trouble.

Beautiful gutwrench suplex gets two.  DiBiase sends him to the floor and then yells at Piper.  He kicks out the crutch from under his leg to send him down because he’s a bad man.  Piper hooks the top rope and Piper hits the floor.  More yelling and shoving of men on crutches ends this though as we have a countout with Virgil winning in a shock.

Rating: C-. This feud was years in the making and the emotion was there, but it was on way too late in the card and the people wanted to see Hogan. Having Virgil get the win was huge though.

Slaughter and General Adnan, a.k.a. the Iron Sheik, say that there’s a new set of rules, and there’s a chance he might accidentally get counted out or DQed tonight.

The Mountie vs. Tito Santana

No point at all to this one but we’ll throw it in here to fill in some time.  Tito runs Mountie around for a few seconds, Mountie can barely do anything, Jimmy slis him the shock stick and Mountie uses it on Santana and pins him. Absolutely no one cares and neither do I. Only significance is Santana continues to have been at every Wrestlemania thus far which I think only Hogan is the other person to do so.

Rating: N/A. Nothing special here as it was a pure filler.

We finally get to the recap for Hogan and Slaughter. The main idea is that Slaughter is threatening to lose on purpose so Hogan doesn’t win the title.  Slaughter is an Iraqi sympathizer so the feud was based off Operation Desert Storm, or as it’s more commonly known, the Gulf War.  Pay no attention to the fact that the war was already over by this point.

WWF World Title: Hulk Hogan vs. Sgt. Slaughter

Hmm.  I think I may have to bet on this Slaughter guy.  It seems likely that he’s going to win it as I think this Hogan chap is overmatched.  Is there any reason as to why Alex Trebek is the guest announcer here?  I mean dude, IT’S ALEX TREBEK!  Anyway, Hogan of course is absolutely insanely over but that pop would start to die off rather soon.

Regis is on commentary for this which is even weirder.  Long feeling out process as they feel out each other’s power.  Hogan sends him to the floor which gets him a few good shots in.  Slaughter begs off back in the ring but gets an eye rake like the evil….American that he is.  Yeah this was kind of a weird setup.  Heenan keeps talking about some party he’s having on Prime Time Wrestling.

Slaughter in control now as Regis shows that he has zero business being a commentator on the main event of Mania, as he has nothing to say.  That’s not his fault of course, but he is just kind of there.  No one wants to come to Bobby’s party.  That’s rather amusing indeed.  Hogan takes over again and does more or less nothing special at all.

A knee to the back sends Slaughter into the buckle.  A slingshot makes him completely miss the post but we’ll say it hit anyway.  After a good long beating, Hogan shows how stupid he can be and goes up to the middle rope which doesn’t work.  He more or less no sells the shot Slaughter gets on him and goes to the top?  What the heck???  Adnan interferes and Hogan pulls a Flair in a funny spot.

Slaughter Cannon sends Hogan to the floor.  He beats the tar out of Hogan with a chair on the floor which gets him somewhere for a change.  The referee won’t count him out or DQ him though.  Well that’s certainly nice of him isn’t it?  Back in the ring now with Slaughter hooking a Boston Crab after pounding away for awhile on the back.

You know this hold would look a bit more realistic and painful if Hogan wasn’t just barely beneath the rope and that by moving maybe 8 inches up the hold would be broken.  Granted that might just be me overthinking this.  Slaughter works on the back forever and gets a chair shot to the head to bust open Hulk.  Can we please just get to him breaking the camel clutch and getting the title back?

THANK YOU!  Slaughter gets his UNBREAKABLE, yes UNBREAKABLE I SAY, hold on Hogan who of course, just like he did to the Sheik, breaks it.  Slaughter gets him down again (to humble him perhaps?) and drapes the Iraqi flag over him because he is a very stupid man.  Hogan kicks out and you can fill in the blanks yourself.

Rating: C+. Easily more about symbolism, but there was one major flaw: the war was already over when this match took place. It was like TNA in levels of being behind the times.  This was a fairly decent match though and I thought it worked well enough for what it was supposed to do.  The Hogan pop was starting to die off though and it would become much clearer in the future.

Overall Rating: C. This really isn’t one of the great Manias but it has one of the best moments of all time. The problem in this Mania is the mid card is just awful. The big midcard match ended in a DQ and was a way to get Andre on the show. There’s just nothing here and with Savage stealing the show from Hogan again, it hurts the show a bit.

The complete lack of drama in the main event doesn’t help things either as Slaughter spent all night talking about losing on purpose and you never once see that in the main event. It’s not a bad show, but it’s far from great. Watch it for the Savage and Hogan matches and if you just need to kill some time, the opener.

Smackdown
Date: March 11, 2011
Location: Toyota Center, Houston, Texas
Commentators: Michael Cole, Josh Matthews, Booker T

Off the top of my head there’s nothing that I know of to expect here.  I think we get Christian vs. Del Rio but I’m not entirely sure.  The show last week was a lot better than the previous ones so hopefully they can continue that mini streak that they’re on.  Also I’d expect more from HHH vs. Taker tonight so that should be good.  Let’s get to it.

Yes I do know my enemies: the people that picked the cast of NXT Season 5.

HHH is on Smackdown for the first time in over a year to respond to Undertaker.

Here’s Edge to a BIG pop.  At least I think it is.  His music sounds like cheering at first.  We recap the contract signing from last week.  Teddy hoping it could go well just once was funny.  Christian made the save.  Edge says a busted nose isn’t going to stop him from getting to Del Rio at Wrestlemania.  Tonight he wants a fight, not a match, and he’s demanding Alberto come out here right now.

Cue Alberto and Brodus with the boss looking all ticked off.  No car for this entrance at least.  Alberto asks if Edge knows who Alberto is.  Edge says Alberto is the Ricky Martin look-a-like trying to reform Menudo with King Hippo over there.  Funny line but in a serious manner.  Albert says he’s going to replace Edge’s legacy with Alberto’s destiny.  Edge says he doesn’t think so and jumps both of them but Brodus gets in a shot and the beatdown is on.

Edge’s shoulder goes into the post and here’s Christian for the save again.  Christian and Brodus are very good additions to this feud as you can only have Alberto and Edge talk to each other and brawl so many times.  With the non-Canadians dominating Teddy Long is here, making the obvious tag team main event.  For some reason this is historic.  I’m not sure why but that’s just what you say in wrestling.

Cole says that he’s a pop icon, not just an announcer.  Tonight he has the “interview of the year” with Cena.

Kane vs. Wade Barrett

 

We get a recap of the Corre vs. Big Show with Kane getting involved in said feud last week.  Barrett says Kane has made some mistakes, including not accepting what Corre did for him recently.  Barrett calls Kane a great big chemical experiment mistake.  Barrett goes right for him and takes over to start us off.  Kane fires back and it’s a brawl in the early going.

And never mind as Corre is here 42 seconds in.  Big Show comes out with a chair for the save and we take a break.

Big Show/Kane vs. Heath Slater/Wade Barrett

 

This is in progress when we get back as Show beats up Slater.  Off to Barrett now who gets beaten down also.  Show chops away at him in the corner and adds a clothesline.  Chokeslam misses though and Barrett goes after the knee.  He stomps Show down and it’s off to Slater.  How did Barrett go from the biggest heel in the company to this in just a few months?

Slater chokes away and Booker doesn’t seem that worried about Show.  Apparently the champion should be listened to as Show gets up and drops Slater on his back to break it up.  Lukewarm tag to Kane who destroys Slater and takes down Barrett also.  Big boot sets up the call for the chokeslam but Corre comes in AGAIN and it’s another DQ at 3:20.

Rating: D+. This was more or less a squash for the whole match.  Show and Kane were never in any real danger as all Barrett was doing to Show was stomping him.  I’m still waiting on Corre to actually do something of note (the tag titles haven’t been noteworthy in forever) and I think I’m waiting in vain.

Big beatdown follows until Show grabs a chair.  Down goes everyone in Corre as Show stands very tall.  And then he takes the chair and cracks Kane over the back with it as payback for last week.

Rey is up next.

Scratch that as instead we’re going to waste about 10 minutes on the Austin/JBL/Cole segment first.  Again, couldn’t we use this time on a wrestling show for, like, wrestling?

Back with Cole comparing that night to being a war correspondent.  That’s almost like comparing 9/11 to a steroids trial.  Wait….

Now Cody is up next?  Was Rey just forgotten or something?

Cody Rhodes vs. JTG

 

Cody is in a suit here.  Well at least he took the jacket and tie off.  JTG, the NXT pro mind you, doesn’t even get an introduction.  We get a clip of Dusty helping his son jump Rey a few weeks ago.  Dusty telling his boy to apologize is kind of funny.  Apparently Cody doesn’t want to be called Dashing anymore.  Cody jumps him to start and hammers away as we get a Texas Outlaws reference.  He hits JTG in the face with a headbutt complete with the loaded mask and then Cross Rhodes ends it in 53 seconds, somehow the second longest match tonight so far.

We waste another 4 minutes or so by showing the HBK thing from Raw where he talks about HHH.  That marks about 14 minutes of this show dedicated to just showing stuff from Raw again, or roughly 1/8 of the total time of the show including commercials.  Great job guys.

Here’s another Raw guy, this time John Cena, for an interview with Michael Cole.  First up, another minute long clip added on from Raw, this time of Miz jumping Cena to end the show.  Cena sends Cole back to the announce table and addresses Miz.  He says he’s done with wasting his time with BS and if Miz wants to make a statement and be the face of the WWE, then Cena’s new goal is breaking the face of the WWE.

Cena gets ready to leave but Cole says he isn’t done yet.  Cole says Cena is underestimating Miz as Miz shut Cole up Monday.  This prompts Cena to rip his shirt off and cue Swagger for the save.  He gets Cena in the ankle lock but winds up taking an FU for his troubles.

Sin Cara video, which is still awesome.

Kaitlyn vs. Layla

 

Kaitlyn is from Houston and therefore a hometown girl.  Booker says quack, quack for some reason.  Are the girls are animals now according to commentators?  Kaitlyn dominates to start as Layla wants help from Michelle.  McCool distracts and Layla gets a kick and the Layout Neckbreaker to end this at 54 seconds.  Have we warped back to Superstars in the 80s and I wasn’t told???

McCool knees Kaitlyn in the back of the head post match.

Rey Mysterio vs. Drew McIntyre

 

The bell rings and Drew kicks Rey’s head off.  All Drew to start as he uses size and power to take over.  He shouts that Rey isn’t going to Wrestlemania as we hit a modified bow and arrow.  Rey fights up and tries the 619 but we head to the floor.  They fight on the apron with Drew shoving him into the post and adding a backbreaker onto the apron which I’ve never seen before.

Back from a break with a modified surfboard on Rey.  Drew continues his dominance by sending Rey into the buckle chest first for two.  He sets for the Futureshock off the top but Rey knocks Drew down for a seated senton.  He tries a rotating cross body but Drew ducks for two.  Drew charges into the post shoulder first and Rey hits the 619 and the top rope splash to end this at 4:30 shown of 8:00.

Rating: C+. Pretty basic match here as the whole idea was about Drew trying to impress people to get a shot at Mania.  This wasn’t a squash as Drew controlled for the most part but I don’t think anyone really thought Rey was in any real trouble.  It does help however that this got a bit of time (yes on Smackdown 8 minutes is now considered time) and Drew got to look decent.

Post match Cody comes out and wants an answer to his challenge.  Rey says he wears the mask with pride and will wear it with pride at Wrestlemania when he beats down Cody Rhodes.  So the match is official.

Here’s HHH to respond to what Undertaker said on Raw.  What you’re not going to show us that too?  Ah instead we get a video on HHH, reminding us of how awesome he is.  Why do I have a feeling this was laying around the office just waiting on a chance to be aired?  He talks about how he saw the two greatest matches he’s ever seen in the last two Wrestlemanias between Undertaker and Shawn Michaels.

The question is why couldn’t Shawn win?  Shawn said on Raw that it was because of emotion.  Shawn went to the ring to not lose rather than win.  HHH’s dark side is going to keep him from having to worry about that.  He can do terrible things to people and not care.  That sounds like a horrible person but it’s true.  HHH says he’ll beat Taker at Wrestlemania because he’ll have no emotion or care about what stands before him.  Things that go bump in the night don’t scare him.  Please, not another “I’m not afraid of the dark” promos.  He thanks Taker for making it no holds barred and we’re done.

Christian is getting ready and Matt Striker asks him what it’s like to have Edge and Christian back together again.  Christian talks about all the things that have happened in the last ten years, listing things like Facebook, Twitter (Christian4Peeps apparently), Charlie Sheen losing his mind and about 15 other things, but we’ve never seen E and C back together.  Tonight we do.  Edge pops up to say nothing of note.

Edge/Christian vs. Alberto Del Rio/Brodus Clay

 

It’s a Ferrari tonight.  No entrance for Brodus but he gets his name read by Ricardo.  Christian vs. Brodus gets us going here.  Christian sticks and moves while firing a lot of right hands.  A corner splash misses and Christian wants the tornado DDT.  Alberto distracts though and it’s a suplex off the top for Brodus to give him control.  Alberto rams Christian into the railing outside but Edge chases him off.

Off to Del Rio as Edge hasn’t been in yet.  He starts in on Christian’s arm and drops a knee to the back for two.  The elbow pad gets ripped off and Christian is in trouble.  To the corner they go and Christian is able to knock him backwards and get a jumping back elbow off the middle rope to get us to even.  Tag in to Edge and Brodus at the same time with Brodus landing a powerslam on Edge for two.

He’s Big Bad Brodus Clay according to Cole.  Booker gets way too excited as usual as Edge gets up to set for the spear.  Instead Brodus flattens him but misses an Umaga-like charge in the corner.  Christian and Del Rio are sent to the floor.  Christian pops back up and hits the tornado DDT so that Edge can drop a top rope elbow on Clay for the pin at 5:53.  Never seen Edge use that before but if it’s a change from the spear I’ll take it.

Rating: C. Just your normal run of the mill main event tag match here.  There was more or less no way Edge and Christian were going to reunite for the first time in forever and lose so it’s not like the ending was ever in doubt.  Still though, this is good as it changes things up a bit, keeping us from having to sit through the same stuff time after time until Mania.

Overall Rating: C+. This is another odd show as the wrestling is incredibly light but a lot of stuff happened.  I can live with the lighter wrestling as they moved some stuff forward and got us a bit more ready for Mania.  This was a good show but with more wrestling and less Raw stuff it could have been a lot better.  I really hope this isn’t the new norm after Mania, because that would be very saddening.

Results

Kane b. Wade Barrett via DQ when the Corre interfered

Kane/Big Show b. Wade Barrett/Heath Slater via DQ when Corre interfered

Cody Rhodes b. JTG – Cross Rhodes

Layla b. Kaitlyn – Layout

Rey Mysterio b. Drew McIntyre – Top rope splash

Edge/Christian b. Alberto Del Rio/Brodus Clay – Top rope elbow to Clay

NXT
Date: March 8, 2011
Location: Toyota Center, Houston, Texas
Commentators: Todd Grisham, William Regal

This is the debut of Season Five of NXT.  There has been no cast or Pros or anything like that announced yet.  All we know is that Maryse is going to be the host which was revealed/announced earlier today.  The rumor for this season was that it would be Legends with their children for this season which could be good for the older fans.  If that’s not the case I’ll edit this out.  Let’s get to it.

As the show opens you see the word “Redemption” everywhere.  Oh I have a bad feeling about this.

William Regal is now a commentator.

Striker and Maryse are now the hosts.  She introduces the Rookies.

Darren Young.  Oh dang it I was afraid of this.

Conor O’Brian

Lucky Cannon (with a big feathery robe)

Byron Saxton

Jacob Novak

Titus O’Neal

That’s it.  I have to watch these guys AGAIN?  The winner of this gets to be on NXT Season 6.  What the heck?  There’s no immunity but rather redemption points which make no sense but sounds like exactly the same thing.  Here are the Pros.

Darren Young gets Chavo Guerrero.  Chavo says Darren is good in the ring but he needs to be more aggressive.  Guerrero wants Young to get noticed.

O’Brian gets Vladimir Kozlov.  This isn’t going to go well.  He says some stuff no one can understand.

Lucky Cannon has Tyson Kidd.  What the heck are they thinking here?  Has Kidd actually won a match in the last two months?  Cannon, who is the reigning FCW Champion and a heel now, needs to be meaner.

Saxton gets Yoshi freaking Tatsu, who is in a suit.  Grisham points out the international flavor of this season.  Tatsu says Saxton needs to relax.

Novak the Worthless gets JTG.  Oh I give up.

Titus O’Neil gets Hornswoggle.  I didn’t listen to his promo/speech as I was writing up my resignation.

Novak vs. Young is up next.

Darren Young vs. Jacob Novak

 

Young has a haircut at least now.  They head to the floor which might have been an accident.  We hit the ropes a few times and Young gets a forearm to take him down.   Regal is a natural on commentary.  Novak with a clothesline in the corner for two so we hit the chinlock.  Young fights back which gets him nowhere for the most part as Novak hits yet another clothesline to take over.  Young hits that spinning full nelson slam to end this at 3:30.

Rating: D+. This was dull again.  Neither of these guys has anything that makes me want to watch them and I feel like I’m watching some weak indy match.  Novak continues to redefine what it means to be worthless.  Young is decent enough but again he’s not someone I would ever stop to watch.

Yoshi talks to Maryse in the back, saying she’ll be a great host.  He has something to tell her but Saxton comes up and says he’d love to talk strategy with his Pro.  She leaves and Tatsu says Saxton’s timing is no good.

Raw ReBound, which recaps the previous week’s show as Rock pretends to be a rapper.  Now we get part of Cena’s “Knockout” last night which was nowhere near his one from two weeks ago.  I still like Cena’s stuff better than Rock’s in this feud.  The aspect about Rock being in the arena once is really all the ammo Cena needs.  We also get Miz’s run in to end the show which was better than anything else in the last segment.  Thankfully this is actually a recap and not just reairing the whole thing.

Conor O’Brian talks about hiding behind a persona last season.  He talks about being poor growing up.  Why does it seem that every wrestler went through torture growing up?

There’s a Boot Camp Obstacle Course up next.

More on the Chaperone.  If I ever want to end myself it’ll be with a marathon of Legendary, Knucklehead and Chaperone.

Snooki is coming to Raw.  Dang it all.  WWE you continue to tick me off.

We do a Boot Camp Obstacle Course and first off my jaw drops at Maryse in camouflage.  I’m not a fan of her but good freaking grief she looks great here.

Titus goes first.  The course is jumping a wall, going under a net on the ground kind of thing, a balance beam, weaving through some polls and picking up a bag to carry across the finish line.  Titus gets 29.8.

Novak shatters it with 24 seconds.  There’s nothing to say here for the most part.

Saxton gets a time of 26.5.

Lucky Cannon in the pink tights, stops to say he won’t be a circus monkey this season because it’s all about him.

Conor is 5^th and gets a time of 27.1.  He stumbled at the beginning which hurt him a lot.

Young goes last and is FLYING.  He wins it with a time of 23 seconds, good for 3 Redemption Points which I’m not sure I understand.  Granted that might be because I thought they were different than Immunity Points.

We reair the majority of the Cole/JBL/Austin thing because these guys can’t have matches right?  Cole on commentary here is still absolutely awesome.  This eats up 8 minutes.

HHH will be on Smackdown.  Also Christian vs. Alberto.

Saxton says he’ll take less for granted because it’s his last chance.

Lucky Cannon vs. Titus O’Neil

After about a minute of jokes about the robe we’re ready to go.  Titus hammers him away in the corner but gets sent outside for his efforts.  And there goes the feed.  Hey tonight isn’t a total loss!  Ah there it is and Cannon has a chinlock.  Regal says Finlay is the best ever from his part of the world.  Cannon is a total heel here but the name is going to hold him back.  Titus gets a belly to back to escape from a headlock.  Titus uses his power but gets taken down.  Horny distracts Tyson and assists Titus to hit a Sky High (D’Lo’s old finisher) powerbomb to end this at 2:57.  Too short to grade but nothing of note.  This ends the show.

Overall Rating: C-. This was just like any other episode of this show, as in nothing special at all.  I have more or less zero desire to watch this season as the biggest named pro is Chavo, the best guy in the group is I guess Young, there’s the stupid Redemption thing and this is to get on the next season of NXT rather than an actual prize, meaning someone will be on three seasons of the show by the end of next season.  It’s going to be a long Spring.

Results

Darren Young b. Jacob Novak – Release Full Nelson Slam

Darren Young won the Boot Camp Obstacle Course

Titus O’Neil b. Lucky Cannon – Sitout Powerbomb