Smack Em Whack Em – Two Forgotten Classics

Smack Em Whack Em
Host: Lord Alfred Hayes
Commentators: Gorilla Monsoon, Alfred Hayes

It’s another home video, this time from the early 90s. I’d say around early 93 but likely late 92. Either way, we get a profile on Bret Hart including him winning the WWF Title which was at a house show of all things. Also Yokozuna tells us how to cook for the single man. The theme is home repair with the Bushwackers. Oh dear. Let’s get to this.

We start with safety tips from the Bushwackers. They need to make Alfred safe. This is idiotic.

Crush vs. Berzerker

We’re in Erie, Pennsylvania here and apparently this is going to be a classic. Gorilla and I need to have a chat about what it means to be a classic. Hayes likes Berzerker and thinks bCrush should have more of a mean streak. We get a test of strength and the power of Hawaii wins.

Apparently Mr. Fuji has left Berzerker. I’m sure it has nothing to do with that Yoko guy. He misses a big knee drop. Yeah he’s not inspired by Bruiser Brody AT ALL. Crush makes his comeback but manages to mess up an atomic drop. That’s hard to do. He was way over though so I can’t complain. Crush gets the Head Vice for the submission.

Rating: D+. Just a way to get Crush a win to keep him over which is fine. To say he was over is an understatement and this was just a way to get him over. This was short enough to not be that bad though, which helps a lot.

The Bushwackers put in a window. They use a sledgehammer. Draw your own conclusions.

Repo Man vs. Earthquake

Uh…sure. I wonder why this was considered a good match. Maybe it wasn’t I don’t know. Going from Smash to Repo Man is one of the best character changes ever. I was STUNNED when I found out they were the same person. This is mostly Quake of course. Crowd is bored to put it nicely.

Earthquake was an interesting case as he went from evil monster that put Hogan on the shelf for the better part of the summer but once he turned on Jimmy Hart he was awesome. The fans always seemed like they wanted to cheer him but weren’t sure if that was ok or not. They do here though and the Earthquake finishes Repo. Short but harmless I guess.

Rating: D+. I said it was harmless but I didn’t say it was any good. One thing that does have to be considered with these is that they’re just dark matches or house show matches thrown on a tape with no real tying theme. For a match just thrown on a card before a TV taping or something like that, this would have been fine I guess. It’s far from good, but it would have been ok for a quick 5-6 minute match to entertain an audience.

The New Zealand guys are using a saw. They’re still trying to get the window in. They cut through the electrical cords. Alfred gets shocked. The target age here must be like 4.

Cooking For the Single Man With Yokozuna.

Oh dear. Apparently he eats 15,000 calories a day. Apparently he eats three full meals a day. Gene learns to use chopsticks. We start with sushi. Like, a LOT of sushi. Repeat this with a lot of different kinds of food. Apparently that was just the appetizers. We get a hibachi demonstration which is amazing.

Yoko eats steak and shrimp for ten people. This segment is nearly ten minutes long. Seriously is there not a Koko B. Ware match we can go to? Apparently it’s 11 ribeye steaks and 4 pounds of rice. Is there a point to this like AT ALL? This just broke 12 minutes and it’s finally over.

Profile on Bret Hart. This more or less is 2-3 matches of Bret and is the core of the tape. He’s world champion at this time. We get him vs. Flair in the title win and the ORIGINAL ladder match vs. Shawn. Bret jokes that he doesn’t know who would be crazy enough to come up with a match like this. That would be Bret Hart. Well, kind of. He mentioned it to Vince as they had been a staple of Stampede Wrestling back in the day.

Intercontinental Title: Shawn Michaels vs. Bret Hart

This is a ladder match obviously. Like I said these were used back in Stampede and one day Bret suggested to Vince that they use one in WWF. This is the result. This is from about 92 and would be from before Summerslam. Bret is champion for those of you that don’t know your history. Gorilla suggests that the title is vacant at the moment. That’s kind of true actually.

The ladder is really far away at the moment so it’s really more like a normal match to start us off. Shawn makes a diving save to keep Bret from getting the ladder, which is kind of stupid since there’s no advantage in having the ladder first, but to be fair this is the first go around so there’s no psychology or history to go off of here. Gorilla says breast. I’m scarred for life. Sherri stops Bret from going up but Bret saves it by nailing Shawn.

This is one of those matches that’s hard to critique as they have no idea what they’re doing and more or less are inventing these spots as they go. Also it’s good given the two in there so it’s not like it’s easy to crack jokes. Shawn touches the belt but can’t get there. Why is it so hard for people to realize how tall they are? In nearly every ladder match, someone touches the bottom of the belt for like 15 seconds as they apparently forget that there are more rungs to it.

Bret hits Shawn with a slingshot into the corner. Bret then does it AGAIN. Misjudges the height I mean. Dang dude you knew it like 2 minutes ago. How did you forget it that fast? They both go up at the same time and down it comes. Shawn hits Sweet Chin Music before it’s known as that but it’s a patented move by this point. Instead his finisher is that stupid suplex but whatever. Shawn does the same mistake with the height and Bret dropkicks the ladder so that Shawn gets crotched on the top. Bret climbs up and retains the belt.

Rating: A. This was a great match. Now one thing you have to keep in mind is that they have NO idea what they’re doing here. By today’s standards, this is a weak ladder match. But remember, this had never been done in this company before. They were just trying random stuff out there and it worked. Also, this is more about Bret vs. Shawn rather than the ladder, and that combination is rarely bad. Great match all around though and fun to watch.

Bret and Gorilla talk about his world title defense against Kamala, and we get to see it. Oh and Bret apparently has defended the title more than anyone in history. In other words, holding the belt about 6 months in his first reign, he managed to defend it more in those 6 months than Sammartino did in 7 years. I love WWF hyperbole.

WWF Title: Bret Hart vs. Kamala

Sean Mooney and Hayes are the commentators here. Sean gives analysis. That’s cute. We start with a feeling out sequence and Bret working the arm. Something tells me Bret is going to be the one doing ALL the work here. Sean wants to know why Kim Chee won’t take his mask off, with theories being that he’s a criminal or owes alimony to his wife. Bret actually tries a test of strength but is smarter than that and suckers Kamala in and stomps on his foot.

Kamala takes over and it’s just your standard match at this point. Kamala grabs Bret’s man boob I think. That’s what it looks like at least. A modified form of the 5 Moves of Doom doesn’t work. See what happens when you mess with them? Chee gets up on the apron, Kamala lunges for Bret when he grabs Chee, rollup keeps the belt. Kamala jumps him afterwards but Harvey gets splashed. Don’t worry as he would recover and go on to become women’s champion later on.

Rating: D. This was weak to put it mildly. The grade is ALL Bret. He is the one decent thing in here…which makes this sound better than it was seeing as how there are only two guys in the match but you get the idea. Kamala was just a place holder here and not a very good one at that. Boring match, but the next one makes up for it just a bit.

Bret talks about his one shot at the title and how he was in his home country for it so he had to win it. He says he sprained his ankle and dislocated a finger in the first three minutes of this.

WWF Title: Ric Flair vs. Bret Hart

This is easily one of the biggest WTF moments in WWF history. This was NEVER shown on TV. This is the first place anyone ever saw this match and it’s still hard to track down in its full version to this day. For the life of me I don’t know what they were thinking but here it is.

So more or less they had put the belt back on Flair for about six weeks and one day at a marathon taping session Vince decided he had had enough of Flair as champion and was making a change. The change was Bret. It came out of nowhere. More or less this was the token world title match you got at the end of the show because you needed a main event even though it meant nothing at all. Flair in the black and white robe just works for him to say the least.

Flair has abs. That’s just weird to say and to see. The announcers talk about what a great match Bret vs. Perfect would be. Do these guys never pay attention to PPVs? Whatever. They’ve been going about four minutes but Gorilla thinks it’s been ten. Can no one in this company TELL TIME? Yeah you can see Bret limping a lot as his ankle must be bothering him, especially since Flair hasn’t done any leg work at all.

Bret works on the arm for a good while. We get a reversal as Flair takes over. Why in the world do we always have to see Flair’s trunks pulled down? Seriously you see that as much as you see his face. What’s the deal with that? I love the Flair Flop. It’s a slow build here. That’s the perk of house shows: you have FAR more time and things don’t have to be rushed. Flair starts in on the knee. I love his yelling at referees. That’s always fun.

Bret hooks on a Figure Four of all things. They’ve managed to get the crowd from not that interested to being pretty into the match. That’s a great sign. Flair finally gets the ropes for the break but he was in there a long time. Hayes wants Bret to cheat more. That’s rather amusing. Flair busts out a butterfly suplex. Also his leg is seemingly much better. That’s not a good sign. Flair gets a quick shot in at the knee and there’s the Figure Four from Flair.

Bret turns it but Flair is in the ropes. This is a very old school style match but it’s working very well. Figure Four is countered into a rollup for two. Bret pulls a Bret and plays possum so he can throw Flair off the top. I love that. Bret initiates the ending sequence and even throws in an extra backbreaker because he can. Flair goes for chops and Bret pulls the straps down. UH OH.

Bret hooks a middle rope suplex and goes for the Sharpshooter. To my shock, IT WORKS and Bret wins the belt completely clean. I ask you, WHY WAS THIS NEVER ON TELEVISION??? The roof is blown off the place when he wins it took. Remember, this was a house show. This wasn’t live on TV or anything. This just happened. It’s that strange. Anyway, great match.

Rating: A-. Another classic here and for the life of me I do not get what they were thinking here with putting this on this tape. Think about it: this is on a tape called Smack Em Whack Em. What sense does that make? Anyway, this was a great match and came off as Bret getting launched into being a great wrestler and a legit A-list guy. The problem is NO ONE SAW him win it. If this was on TV, Bret is a much more credible champion. Either way, GREAT match and well worthy of making Bret champion.

The Bushwackers say they’re going to do some plumbing. Guess how well that goes.

Undertaker vs. Razor Ramon

This is a main event anywhere in the world. Then why isn’t it the main event on this card? I think I know why this is so familiar: they did the same match on a tape I have called Invasion of the Bodyslammers. Not the exact same one as Razor wears purple here and black there but it’s the same choreography and moves. I’d bet money Razor drops about 9 elbows and eventually runs away for a countout. Well since he’s on elbow number six I’d think so. Urn to the face does nothing and there’s a chokeslam. Hey I’m right. That’s it.

Rating: D. Just boring as watching paint dry with Razor looking weak. Bad match with a very weak ending to say the least. Razor was just not great yet as they didn’t know what to do with him yet. Taker fits the same thing actually.

Hayes gets to sit in a chair and watch his favorite Coliseum Videos. And the TV blows up to end the tape.

Overall Rating: B. See there’s a weird issue here. We have six matches. Two of them are classics and the other four suck. To me, that makes this well worth seeing. The other four matches you can always fast forward through or watch if you’re REALLY bored. The other two though are both rare and great. What more do you need? You get 40 minutes of Bret vs. Shawn/Flair. Do I need to explain why this is awesome? If you find this in some odd place, first of all let me know and second BUY IT. Definitely recommended.

2 comments

  1. Thriller says:

    I know you say you can’t figure out why the Flair/Hart match was never aired, but has there even been any indication as to why? Like you said, I can’t imagine why it was thrown into a video vault somewhere

    klunderbunker Reply:

    I have no idea. They just kind of did it and one day Bret showed up as world champion. It was really weird.