Impact Wrestling – August 8, 2013: Agoobwa

Impact Wrestling
Date: August 8, 2013
Location: Kay Yeager Center, Wichita, Texas
Commentators: Taz, Jeremy Borash

It’s the go home show for Hardcore Justice, which means tonight isn’t likely to be all that interesting. The main story is going to be the fallout from Tito Ortiz debuting last week, meaning expect to hear the word Bellator a lot tonight. I’m not interested in two MMA guys fighting, especially when they’re part of the Mafia vs. Aces feud which isn’t doing much for anyone. Let’s get to it.

Here are the Aces to open things up but it’s only Taz, Ray and Anderson. Taz and Anderson sit down on commentary and yell at JB. There’s no Tenay in sight so I guess JB is taking his place for awhile. Ray talks about how we all saw the August 1 warning last week and it was Tito Ortiz. No one does surprises like Ray, so don’t mess with him or Tito will get smacked. Tonight it’s Team 3D vs. Sabin/a member of the Mafia. It doesn’t matter who the partner is because next week, Sabin is locked inside of a cage with Bully Ray and the title is coming home.

Ray calls Sabin out for a contract signing for next week and says the belt looks horrible on Chris. Sabin says looks can be deceiving because earlier this year, Ray was walking around pretending to be the hero of TNA. A month ago no one would have said Sabin could have beaten Ray except one person: Sabin himself. He didn’t bring the hammer into the ring and next week there won’t be a hammer to swing. Ray tells Hogan to bring the contract out here but gets Brooke instead of Hulk.

Brooke says Hulk is in Dallas tonight researching contracts. She has an email from him which says if Ray loses next week, he never gets another title shot. Ray says he isn’t going to be bullied by a Hogan. Brooke comes to the ring and implies Ray has a small penis. There’s an image I could have done without. Ray and Sabin both sign and this very stupid segment comes to an end.

Bound For Glory Series: Samoa Joe vs. Jeff Hardy

Jeff quickly gets to the ropes to escape a wristlock and sends Joe to the floor via a headscissors. A clothesline off the apron puts Joe down but he comes back in with a running charge in the corner followed by an enziguri. Jeff rolls to the floor and the elbow suicide puts him down as we take a break. Back with Joe hitting a spinebuster and dropping an elbow for two. We hit the chinlock on Hardy before Joe just punches him down in the corner.

Joe powerbombs Hardy down and goes to an STF into the Rings of Saturn into a crucifix for two. Nice sequence. Hardy fights up and hits some clotheslines followed by a basement dropkick for two. The Whisper in the Wind gets the same but Hardy charges into a release Rock Bottom for two. The Muscle Buster is countered into the Twist of Fate which is countered into the Koquina Clutch. Hardy gets out with a jawbreaker and rolls Joe up for the pin at 12:03. Apparently Anderson distracted Joe to let Jeff get out.

Rating: C+. This wasn’t bad but the ending didn’t work for the most part. Anderson could have at least gotten on the apron for a distraction but instead we just saw a closeup of his face. You would have expected these two to have better chemistry but instead it was just going through some good motions until the end.

Daniels doesn’t know why Kaz is being selfish about the Series. He’s the captain of Bad Influence and ahead in the Series, meaning it’s his time and not Kaz’s.

Bound For Glory Series: Magnus vs. Mr. Anderson

Anderson runs him over with a shoulder to start but runs into a big boot to the face. Magnus backdrops him out to the floor but Magnus is sent hard into the steps to put him down. Back in and Anderson drives his shoulder into Magnus’ shoulder before running him over with a shoulder block. Off to a top wristlock for a few moments before Magnus counters a suplex, only to be caught in a DDT on the arm for two.

Back up and Magnus scores with a clothesline followed by something resembling a Snow Plow for no cover. Magnus goes up top but has to fight off a superplex attempt. Instead he knocks Anderson down but TOTALLY misses the top rope elbow. Cue Bobby Roode with a chair to lay out Anderson, giving him the win via DQ at 7:30, meaning Magnus loses ten points.

Rating: D+. This was slow paced until the end and the arm work never went anywhere at all. Roode is likely trying to set up something later on which is fine but the Aces and 8’s are dragging the show down. We’re 50 minutes in and literally every segment has had the Aces involved. That’s WAY too much and it’s not good for the rest of the show.

Roode says he just changed the landscape and it’s just the beginning.

Magnus says he’ll get the ten points back.

Bromance says they kicked Tara to the curb because it’s Bro Mans before romance. Mickie comes in and says she’ll take care of ODB if they take care of Storm/Gunner.

Video on Tito Ortiz.

Sting and Angle come up to see Sabin in the back for no apparent reason other than for him to tell him about some plan. Ok then.

Here’s Tito Ortiz for his big talk but Kurt Angle interrupts him before anything can be said. Kurt says he respects what Tito has accomplished but he’s in Angle’s world now. Didn’t he say the same stuff to Jackson? Angle has earned the right to be called the greatest of all time. He’ll respect Ortiz’s space as long as Ortiz respects his. Tito says that’s loud and clear and here’s Ray AGAIN. Ray says he doesn’t respect either guy because he could take either guy out with ease. He introduces himself to Ortiz and threatens to slap Ortiz in the face if Tito gets in his way.

Bro Mans/Mickie James vs. Gunner/James Storm/ODB

Storm throws Robbie around to start and hits a running neckbreaker to take him down. Jesse gets in a cheap shot from the corner to take over before coming in legally to fire off shoulders in the corner. Robbie comes back in but gets caught in a Backstabber, allowing for the hot tag off to Gunner. An Irish Curse puts Robbie down and the girls come in for some brawling. Gunner’s torture rack is broken up by Jesse but Storm hits a GREAT superkick to Godderz, setting up the powerslam/neckbreaker combination to Robbie for the pin at 4:17.

Rating: D+. In other words, the team that was supposed to dominate did dominate and the ending was exactly what you would expect it to be. The tag division is somehow more dead than usual here as I can’t think of a fourth tag team at the moment other than these two and Bad Influence. The match was nothing and the girls never even got in.

Gail Kim comes out to brawl with ODB post match.

Kazarian says he’ll win tonight.

Team 3D is ready for the tag match tonight.

Bound For Glory Series: Kazarian vs. Christopher Daniels

Feeling out process with both guys grabbing arm holds to start. Kaz hooks a quick headlock and a rollup for two before it’s back to the headlock. They trade near falls until it breaks into a brief slugout…..and they walk to the ramp for a double countout at 4:03.

Rating: D. Please……let this show just end now. Next.

Post match Roode comes out with the chair but drops it on the ramp. He says everyone is talking about the Mafia and the Aces and the MMA guys. Everyone has been forgetting the three of them who comprise ¼ of the BFG Series. Roode calls the three of them a new force who will own the Series going forward. Yes, they’re actually having ANOTHER stable.

Tito Ortiz will have answers for us next week.

Next week it’s Hardy vs. Styles vs. Kaz vs. Aries in a ladder match for 20 points.

Video on next week’s ten man tag.

Team 3D vs. Chris Sabin/???

The partner is Sting, shocking no one at all. Actually scratch that as Angle sneaks in and becomes the partner instead, still not surprising anyone. It’s a brawl to start with Team 3D being rammed into each other. The fans chant USA, prompting Taz to say the only intelligent thing of the night: “New York City is in the USA.” Angle and D-Von get things going but it’s quickly off to Ray who is armdragged down.

Off to Sabin to stay on the arm for a bit before Angle comes back in. Ray takes him down by the leg and it’s off to D-Von who is taken down easily as well. Sabin comes back in but gets clipped in the knee, setting up What’s Up as we take our last break. Back with D-Von slamming Sabin down so Ray can shout that this is nothing compared to next week.

Ray goes after the knee but Sabin finally escapes and makes the hot tag to D-Von. Kurt cleans house and hits the Slam on Ray for two but D-Von breaks up whatever Angle had in mind. Angle charges into a Rock Bottom for two but reverses the Bully Bomb into an ankle lock. Ray kicks Kurt’s head off to put him down but Sabin tags himself in and hits a missile dropkick on Bully.

Sabin ducks a D-Von clothesline to send it into Ray as everything breaks down. Angle takes the 3D and Ray wants the tables. The table is set up in the corner but Ray’s charge misses, sending him through it himself. A high cross body from Sabin is good for the pin on Ray at 16:43.

Rating: C. I’m not going to lie to you: I was so bored by this show that I was barely paying attention to the main event. That NEVER happens and is a really bad sign when they have a big show coming up next week. Sabin is clearly a lame duck champion which is even worse when you consider the biggest show of the year is coming up, making the title change seem pointless. Standard main event tag match here.

Overall Rating: D-. Oh my goodness this was terrible. The first hour literally didn’t have an arena segment without the Aces and 8’s and then the last twenty minutes is an Aces tag match. On top of that there’s ANOTHER alliance formed which is the last thing people have been asking for. Next week should be better but they couldn’t telegraph a new champion harder than they are right now. This show was just boring with nothing of note going on for two hours and a gimmick show next month. There’s just WAY too much time between PPVs and it’s clear we’re just killing time until October. One of the worst shows in a LONG time.


Jeff Hardy b. Samoa Joe – Jawbreaker

Mr. Anderson b. Magnus via DQ when Bobby Roode interfered

Gunner/James Storm/ODB b. Mickie James/Bro Mans – Powerslam/neckbreake combination to Robbie

Christopher Daniels vs. Kazarian went to a double countout

Chris Sabin/Kurt Angle b. Team 3D – High Cross Body to Ray

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  1. Christian Sharp says:

    Sigh…and it sounded like they had it together for a while…

    That tagline has me thinking. Was there a show you would give an overall rating of Agoobwa to? Like New Blood Rising?

    klunderbunker Reply:

    I’ve seen some indy shows that I would say was that bad overall. For a major show……I’m sure some 1999 WCW was that bad. Oh and most ECW PPVs.

    Christian Sharp Reply:

    Yeah, reading how WCW was at that time just boggles me. Have to agree that it was the last year they had a chance, but they really screwed it up.

    By the way, I noticed you haven’t done Starrcade 1999 yet. With some of the stupid stuff that happened there, including a rehash of Montreal, it sounds like it would be interesting to see you review.

    klunderbunker Reply:

    Nah they were LONG dead in 2000. By that point they had nothing to lose so they just threw whatever they felt like out there.

    I’ll try to put it up this weekend.

  2. noahconstrictor says:

    As soon as I saw the Agoobwa, I knew this was gonna be bad. Didn’t realize it was gonna be this bad.

  3. M.R. says:

    Four PPVs isn’t enough. Six seems ideal.

    klunderbunker Reply:

    I think you’re right. At least one between Slammiversary and BFG.

    Killjoy Reply:

    I’ve been saying that for a while and it seems TNA realized it by throwing these “TV Specials”. We should probably expect No Surrender to be announced after this one.

  4. M.R. says:

    Though it won’t happen, I’d love for WWE to drop to six as well, especially with the weekly three-hour format. It would essentially eliminate B-show pay per views.

    klunderbunker Reply:

    Yeah but WWE can support that many. TNA simply doesn’t have the time to develop enough feuds every month. WWE has about three times the TV that TNA has and can develop that many feuds.

    Killjoy Reply:

    Yeah. Funny enough they barely do though.

    M.R. Reply:

    Oh I know the WWE’s capable of it, but think of how great the feuds could be if we were given two months build for every big show. They need to do something to spice up PPVs if they’re going to continue give away big name matches on Raw. What’s the point of ordering a show like Payback?