Impact Wrestling – March 23, 2017: That’s a Really, Really Bad Sign

Impact Wrestling
Date: March 23, 2017
Location: Impact Zone, Orlando, Florida
Commentators: Jeremy Borash, D’Angelo Dinero, Josh Matthews

We’re on to week three of the reboot and hopefully last week’s improvements continue here. Last week’s show was a slight upgrade from the borderline disaster of the first week but it’s not clear where things are going. The big story coming out of last week was the announcement of a Tag Team Title tournament which starts next week. Let’s get to it.

We open with a detailed recap of last week’s show.

Opening sequence.

Davey Richards vs. Suicide

Davey, billed as the Lone Wolf, comes out with Angelina Love. Richards is quickly sent to the floor so Suicide can follow him out with a big dive. That’s about it for Suicide though as Davey knocks him around and hits a hard clothesline back inside. Some kicks to the ribs have Suicide in more trouble but Davey stops to kiss Angelina. A springboard missile dropkick sends Davey outside again and, naturally, a suicide dive follows. Back in again with Davey hitting a Saito suplex but missing the top rope stomp. Not that it matters as Creeping Death is good for the pin on Suicide at 6:00.

Rating: C-. Davey and Angelina are a good combination (most married couples are) and I’m digging Richards a bit better this time around. The heel character works better than his long running face character which just felt like a guy in tights who threw a lot of kicks. The next fight with Eddie Edwards should be fun.

Josh yells at JB for saying “she” is here over and over. Josh: “STOP USING PRONOUNS!”

We go to LAX’s headquarters where Konnan talks about bringing violence out of Tijuana.

Laurel Van Ness is still falling apart when Sienna comes in to try and calm them down. She has a surprise for Allie and Braxton Sutter. Sienna also advises a shower but Laurel sings the Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow instead.

Idris Abraham/Fallah Bahh/Mario Bokara vs. Mahabali Shera/Laredo Kid/Garza Jr.

Bahh and Bokara are the Monster Factory Tag Team Champions and from the Philippines/Croatia respectively. Idris and Garza start things off with Garza armdragging him to the mat and stopping to take off his (as in his own) pants. The 400lbs Baah (looks a bit like Yokozuna) comes in and shoves Laredo around before crushing him with a crossbody. It’s off to Mario to rip at the mask as Josh talks about where we can see Schitt’s Creek on demand. Laredo gets in a cutter on Abraham and the hot tag brings in Shera to clean house. A spinebuster plants Bahh and the Sky High ends Mario at 5:21.

Rating: D+. Uh, sure. I’m not entirely clear on why I should care about five people I don’t know and the worthless Shera but at least we don’t have to watch any of those expensive talents again. The match wasn’t even horrible but those might as well have been the Filler Titles instead of the Monster Factory belts.

A limo is here.

Decay vs. Reno Scum

Adam and Steve start things off with Thornstone hitting a standing moonsault, only to have Abyss come in for the staredown with Luster. That means shouting OY a lot and Abyss’ headbutt has no effect. Abyss gets headbutted into the corner and it’s back to Steve as JB says Reno Scum debuted last week (it was two weeks ago).

Thornstone is sent outside for some shots from Rosemary, followed by a lick from Steve. The beating continues with Abyss choking away and saying how good it feels. The hot tag brings in Luster for a fisherman’s buster as everything breaks down. Rosemary mists Steve by mistake and gets thrown onto Abyss. That leaves Luster to hold Steve up for a leapfrog into a double stomp from Adam for the pin at 6:56.

Rating: D. As I said before: I still have no idea why I’m supposed to be interested in Reno Scum because they don’t feel like anything special. Yeah they’re fine and all that jazz but it was basically “here’s a new team you might know from Future Stars of Wrestling”. What’s Future Stars of Wrestling? Eh, some company that we’re just assuming you know and that we’re not going to elaborate on further. Give us some promos or vignettes on these guys and let us know something about them other than their names and hometown.

Fury is unleashed on April 6.

Grand Championship: Eli Drake vs. Moose

Moose is defending Drake has Tyrus in his corner. And never mind as Cody, in a Bullet Club hoodie, has jumped Moose backstage. Cross Rhodes on the ramp leaves Moose laying and there’s no match.

Here’s LAX (with five members) to say they’re here for the Tag Team Titles. Konnan says they’re here to live and die in LAX and Homicide adds 5150.

LAX vs. DCC

It’s Santana/Ortiz for LAX vs. Storm/Bram. Storm gets double teamed to start and Santana drops an assisted moonsault. The comeback is cut off and we take an early break. Back with Storm getting in a Backstabber on Ortiz but Santana keeps him in the corner. Storm finally gets over for the hot tag to Bram so house can be cleaned. Not that it really matters though as it’s back to Storm just a few moments later. We get the stupid make one partner DDT another spot with Storm grabbing a neckrbeaker on Ortiz who DDT’s Santana. Kingston hits Storm by mistake though and a kind of double team belly to back flip suplex puts Storm away at 11:03.

Rating: C+. This is another case where the brand new team is thrown on TV but at least they have a name and gimmick we’re familiar with (assuming you were around years ago) and they were a bit better in the ring. Hopefully this leads to the end of the DCC as it’s been one of the biggest wastes of time in recent memory around here. Storm was wrestling like a face in the match anyway so you can tell they’re on borrowed time.

Post match Storm gets in an argument with Kingston which should signal the beginning of the end.

Earlier this week, Bruce Prichard sat down with Lashley to talk about his wrestling history. He’s wrestled everywhere and is really good. More on this later. Of all the people on the roster, the multiple time World Champion needs a get to know you interview? He was acting like a face here too so maybe he’s turning. Or they don’t know how to do an interview.

DJZ wants to make Impact Wrestling great.

Moose vs. Cody for the Grand Championship is set for next week.

Braxton Sutter and Allie aren’t worried about Sienna’s threats.

Rebel vs. ODB

Rebel knocks her to the floor to start but misses a top rope splash back inside. ODB takes a hit from the flask and there’s a Bronco Buster. ODB: “I’m a classy broad!” Rebel grabs her cowboy hat so Earl Hebner takes it away and kisses her because sexual assault is totally ok. Earl puts the hat on and takes a hit from the flask, earning himself a kiss from ODB. That means a Flair Flop from Earl and a TKO to Rebel for the pin at 4:01.

Rating: F. Oh just…..no. This is one of those matches where the company decides to beat you over the head with “comedy” and if you don’t like it, that’s just too bad. ODB has never done anything for me and that hasn’t changed here. Rebel looks great but, as usual, that’s not enough to warrant her being around.

More from the Lashley interview. He was about to go to the Olympics but was in a bank when a robbery broke out, which caused a knee injury. He’s here now and ready to work as hard as ever. You mean the World Champion is going to work hard?

Lashley vs. Jake Holmes

Non-title. Lashley stomps him down, stomps him down some more, hits a Dominator for two, delays a vertical suplex and hits the spear for the pin at 1:54.

JB is in the ring for the big return of……Karen Jarrett. Karen is full on face here, signing an autograph on the way to the ring. You know, because time can heal all wounds since she was the evil villain before. We get a bunch of pro-Karen chants as she’s overwhelmed by the reaction. Karen talks about all the positive energy around here but gets cut off by a FIRE JOSH chant. Karen keeps going about how special this is but Ethan Carter III cuts her off.

Ethan talks about how awesome the fans are and calls them all his friends. Everyone around here makes this place great but it’s all about the locker room. We all want to make Impact great and he’s done what he can do to so as the greatest original star this company has ever had. He’s going to do it for his own last name though….and here’s Josh to say stop all this.

Josh yells about being put at the table with the JV squad while Karen assembles this team of authority figures like Bruce Prichard and Dutch Mantel. These people are here because they couldn’t afford a ticket so they need to shut up (they edited out the part where he said “couldn’t afford a ticket to NXT”). Josh talks about his problem being with Karen and being married to Madison Rayne. It’s only a matter of time before the Jarrett Family is gone from Impact Wrestling forever. Karen slaps him down to end the show.

Overall Rating: D-. So much for progressing. This was a lot of really uninteresting stuff with most of these new acts being thrown out there with little to no build or set up. I still don’t know who most of them are, nor do I have any real reason to care. Other than that we got to know the four time World Champion a little bit better and then saw a former authority figure come back to yell at the heel announcer. What exactly was accomplished here? I know big stuff can’t happen every week but it’s the third show in a reboot of the company. If they’re already running out of ideas to fill in two hours, they’re in VERY big trouble.

Results

Davey Richards b. Suicide – Creeping Death

Mahabali Shera/Laredo Kid/Garza Jr. b. Idris Abraham/Fallah Bahh/Mario Bokara – Sky High to Bokara

Reno Scum b. Decay – Double stomp to Steve

LAX b. DCC – Double team belly to back flip suplex to Storm

ODB b. Rebel – TKO

Lashley b. Jake Holmes – Spear

 

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