Monday Night Raw – April 1, 2013: Everything Is The Same

Monday Night Raw
Date: April 1, 2013
Location: Verizon Center, Washington, D.C.
Commentators: Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, John Bradshaw Layfield

It’s finally the go home show for Wrestlemania which means we’re likely in for a slow evening tonight. These shows tend to be mainly talking with little action, as most of the wrestlers don’t want to risk injuries before the biggest night of the year. These shows don’t tend to do much, but to be fair most of the show on Sunday is already set in stone. Let’s get to it.

The opening video is about the three main events for the PPV and how all six guys will be around tonight to hype up Wrestlemania.

Here’s Cena to open the show. As the crowd is split, Cena talks about how this is a house divided. Just like in Washington DC politics, we have Cenacrats and Rockpublicans here tonight. Cena says that a year ago he would have come out here and made a stupid joke while Rock would have thrown Cena’s shirt in a bowl of Fruity Pebbles. This time the match is serious because Rock has done everything he’s ever set out to do. Therefore, Cena winning is impossible right? Just like Cena winning the Rumble and Cena beating Punk to go to Wrestlemania were impossible tasks right?

This Sunday is going to be different because Rock has already stuck his foot in his mouth. Cena had to put up with Rock establishing a new era in the WWE, but on Sunday in Rock’s first defense he’s losing his own era. However, Cena will continue the People’s Era after the mighty Rock experiences failure. Cena isn’t going to replace the WWE Championship when he wins it because he wants to hold it as a symbol. The fans chant boring for some reason. Cena says he’s going to get the title back and the champ will be here.

We stop for Lawler to make a Tout about who is going to win the match between Rock and Cena on Sunday. Lawler picks Rock.

3MB vs. Randy Orton/Sheamus/Big Show

Orton and Slater start things off with Sheamus quickly coming in to work on Heath as well. Off to McIntyre who gets punched in the face and powerslammed down for no cover. 3MB finally uses their numbers to take Sheamus down in the corner but Slater walks into the Irish Curse. Hot tag brings in Show as everything breaks down. The brogue Kick puts Drew down and the WMD ends Mahal at 3:05.

Rating: C-. Total squash here which was what the entire idea was. The problem with this team is Shield is the only group that could give them a battle. Seeing them beat up 3MB isn’t going to do much good, but at least the match was short and we likely won’t have to see this again until Wrestlemania.

Shield comes down the aisle but stops halfway through. Ambrose congratulates them for such a big win. Rollins says Orton and company are only convincing themselves that they’re on the same page. Justice never lies and Shield knows the truth. That truth is that they’re not looking at a team but the people don’t believe in them. Once Sunday is over, the world will believe in the Shield.

Colter and Swagger were in Washington D.C. earlier today to talk about how America was broken. Swagger is the man to fix this because he’ll take care of the illegal immigrants and get them back to where they came from. He’ll start that at Wrestlemania by breaking the champion’s ankle as well as his spirit.

Del Rio says that America is a land of opportunity and Swagger has the right to free speech. If Del Rio doesn’t like what Swagger is saying, he can do something about it. Tonight it’s Del Rio vs. Colter and Zeb is a pinata with a mustache.

Daniel Bryan vs. Dolph Ziggler

Ziggler grabs an armbar to start as AJ looks like her usual psycho self. Bryan fights back and catches Ziggler in a kind of spinebuster to send him into the corner. Bryan fires off some kicks to a kneeling Dolph and does his moonsault out of the corner. A clothesline puts Ziggler down but he makes the ropes before the NO Lock. Ziggler goes after the knee to take over before sending Bryan into the corner. A charge misses though and Bryan puts Ziggler in an old school Tarantula but has to stop to stare at Langston. Ziggler hits a quick Fameasser for two and we take a break.

Back with Bryan kicking Ziggler in the face out of the corner before firing off some NO kicks to Ziggler’s shoulder and chest. Dolph misses a charge in the corner and Bryan fires off more kicks. A hard kick to the head looks to set up a Swan Dive but Bryan only hits mat. Both guys try cross bodies and crash to the mat as AJ starts skipping around Kane. The distraction lets Langston run over Kane and that distraction lets Ziggler roll up Bryan for the pin at 11:00.

Rating: C+. Semi-botched ending aside (Bryan’s shoulder looked to be up) this was a hard hitting match. The problem is this doesn’t exactly make me want to see the match on Sunday. Langston looked good but it would be nice to see him in a match, even a squash, before Sunday. This was good for what it was but it didn’t accomplish much.

Post match Langston lays out the tag champions.

Here’s Shawn Michaels who says you can’t have Raw without him. Shawn lists off the major matches before getting around to HHH vs. Brock. He has some doubts about something but here’s HHH to interrupt. HHH says he knows what he’s doing but Shawn says he doesn’t think so. Shawn thinks the situations the two of them in were very different.

When Shawn’s career was on the line, Shawn looked at someone he had great respect for and that respect was mutual. When Shawn lost, he was heartbroken but Undertaker was just as heartbroken. Undertaker never came out here and bragged because Taker cares about Shawn that much. Brock on the other hand respects no one and HHH doesn’t respect him either.

Lesnar is here for the money, but the two of them are here for love of the sport. HHH loves it more than Shawn though because it’s HHH’s life. HHH says Shawn can’t talk him out of it, but that’s not Michaels’ point. Shawn is here to tell HHH that he HAS to do this. He’s going to be in HHH’s corner but before they can do the catchphrase, here are Brock and Heyman. Heyman says Brock has two words for HHH but doesn’t say what they are yet.

HHH is going to have to live with the disappointment of the McMahons because he won’t be able to fight Vince’s battles anymore. He’s used to disappointing his wife and he’s going to disappoint Shawn too. Brock might break Shawn’s arm again because that’s what Lesnar does. HHH should have walked away like Shawn did because now he’s going to have to crawl away. Lesnar has forced HHH to commit professional suicide.

Wade Barrett vs. Zack Ryder

Miz is on commentary and will meet Barrett for the title on the preshow. Barrett kicks him in the ribs to start and gets two off a fast suplex. Ryder goes up top but is pulled down for another two count and Wade drops an elbow. A big boot puts Ryder on the floor but Barrett stops to jaw with Miz. Back in and Ryder hits a flapjack and some hard forearms to the head. The Broski Boot gets two but Barrett blocks the knees in the corner. The Bull Hammer ends Ryder at 3:46.

Rating: C-. Total squash here and a dull one for the most part. Barrett winning is nice but I’m glad the title match is going to be on the preshow as it’s the least interesting match in a long time. Nothing to see here for the most part as it was just there to push the idea of Miz causing problems for Barrett….which he didn’t do.

Santino tells Vickie and Brad Maddox that Vince is here and he’s MAD. Oh and April Fool’s. Santino gets a match as punishment.

Santino Marella vs. Mark Henry

Santino fires off some kicks and goes right for the Cobra, only to be run over by Henry. World’s Strongest Slam and we’re done in 52 seconds.

Post match here’s Ryback but Henry says hang on a second. Henry says that nearly breaking a bench press record doesn’t give Ryback the right to intimidate Henry. Besides, they have a no contact clause. Tonight, all Henry is going to do is smile. Ryback responds by picking up Santino and ramming him into Henry. Mark is knocked to the floor, so Ryback picks Santino up and throws him onto Henry.

Punk says he doesn’t care if he’s disrespecting the memory of Paul Bearer. He’s trying to get inside Undertaker’s head so he can win. Punk says that on Sunday, the only thing people are going to remember is Undertaker losing.

Zeb Colter vs. Alberto Del Rio

Swagger goes after Ricardo and the distraction lets Colter hit Del Rio in the back with a crutch for the DQ at 50 seconds.

Post match Swagger takes out the champion’s knee and beats on him with the crutch.

Here’s Rock with something to say. Rock says he’s here because of the connection between himself and the fans. He’s here to go to Wrestlemania and take it to John Cena before beating him all over Wrestlemania. Rock says he and Cena could change the world if the people will it. He gets on a bizarre tangent about being President someday and that he’s glad he can count on all of the fans’ votes.

When he’s inaugurated, he’ll start his speed by saying FINALLY he’s come back to Washington D.C. On Sunday, Cena’s time is never and it’s not about passing the torch, because the only way that happens is if Rock lights the belt on fire and puts it inside Cena. On Sunday, Cena is facing both Rock and the MILLIONS, if you smell what he’s cooking.

Chris Jericho vs. Antonio Cesaro

Cesaro throws him around to start but walks into a dropkick for two. A quick chinlock by the US Champion (non-title here of course) is broken up and Jericho loads up a top rope rana for two. Cue Fandango as we take a break. Back with Cesaro holding a cravate as Fandango is scoring Jericho’s moves. Cesaro pounds away for a few two counts and sends Jericho out to the floor before cranking on his neck some more. Antonio yodels a bit before charging into Jericho in the corner to pound away.

Jericho comes back with a top rope ax handle (4 from Fandango) and the bulldog to set up the Lionsault (3). Cesaro counters the Walls in a SWEET spin out into the gutwrench suplex for two. Jericho chops him down and goes up for a cross body (4) but he dropkicks Fandango down, allowing Cesaro to roll Chris up for two. Not that it matters as Jericho hooks the Walls for the tap out at 12:47.

Rating: C. My but this was disappointing. At the end of the day, Cesaro has been depushed harder than anyone I can remember since Zack Ryder and for no apparent reason other than the boredom of the writers. He’s a total jobber at this point and is US Champion for no apparent reason. Jericho better put Fandango over STRONG on Sunday.

Fandango destroys Jericho post match and hits two guillotine legdrops for good measure.

Stephanie McMahon is inducting Trish Stratus into the Hall of Fame.

We get some fan Touts on who wins between Rock vs. Cena.

Bella Twins vs. Funkadactyls

Naomi and we’ll say Brie start things off with Naomi taking the Bella down with the Rear View. I’ll let you figure out what she did there. Off to Nikki to crank on Naomi’s arm with an armbar as Tensai and Brodus play cheerleader. Naomi botches a sunset flip and it’s back to the armbar. She fights back and it’s off to Cameron for a bouncing headscissors on I think Brie. A legdrop hits Brie and a good DDT gets no count as Nikki makes the save. Everything breaks down and Nikki rolls through a Cameron cross body for the Bellas win at 4:46.

Rating: D+. The Bellas are intense and looked good in their tiny outfits, but at the end of the day there’s nothing to be seen in the ring. Cameron was especially bad and brought the athletic Naomi down. The eight person tag on Sunday should be ok but other than that there isn’t much to be seen here.

Here’s Undertaker for his “verbal evisceration” of CM Punk. Punk’s title reign lasted over 400 days but his punishment is going to last for eternity. The disrespect for Paul Bearer will cause Punk to pay the ultimate price. This brings out druids with torches but Undertaker looks surprised to see them. We hear Bearer’s OH YEEEEEES and here’s Heyman in a Bearer disguise.

Taker has had enough and goes up the ramp, only to be stopped by….nothing at all. Instead he beats up the druids to find Punk but picks the wrong one. Punk hits him in the ribs with the Urn and a few shots to the back for good measure. Punk yells that it’s over and that it’s going to be 20-1. With Undertaker down, Punk POURS THE ASHES ONTO UNDERTAKER.

Overall Rating: C. Right in the middle is perfect for this show. It was kind of entertaining and didn’t drag for the most part, but the show didn’t make me want to watch Wrestlemania any more or any less than I already wanted to. It enforced the matches well enough but didn’t do anything to excite me. Therefore, it’s right in the middle.

Results

Randy Orton/Sheamus/Big Show b. 3MB – WMD to Mahal

Dolph Ziggler b. Daniel Bryan – Rollup

Wade Barrett b. Zack Ryder – Bull Hammer

Mark Henry b. Santino Marella – World’s Strongest Slam

Alberto Del Rio b. Zeb Colter via DQ when Colter used a crutch

Chris Jericho b. Antonio Cesaro – Walls of Jericho

Bella Twins b. Funkadactyls – Rollup to Cameron

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